Public/XKCD.json
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[
{ "month": "1", "num": 1, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Barrel - Part 1", "transcript": "[[A boy sits in a barrel which is floating in an ocean.]]\nBoy: I wonder where I\u0027ll float next?\n[[The barrel drifts into the distance. Nothing else can be seen.]]\n{{Alt: Don\u0027t we all.}}", "alt": "Don\u0027t we all.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/barrel_cropped_(1).jpg", "title": "Barrel - Part 1", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Petit Trees (sketch)", "transcript": "[[Two trees are growing on opposite sides of a sphere.]]\n{{Alt-title: \u0027Petit\u0027 being a reference to Le Petit Prince, which I only thought about halfway through the sketch}}", "alt": "\u0027Petit\u0027 being a reference to Le Petit Prince, which I only thought about halfway through the sketch", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tree_cropped_(1).jpg", "title": "Petit Trees (sketch)", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 3, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Island (sketch)", "transcript": "[[A sketch of an Island]]\n{{Alt:Hello, island}}", "alt": "Hello, island", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/island_color.jpg", "title": "Island (sketch)", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 4, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Landscape (sketch)", "transcript": "[[A sketch of a landscape with sun on the horizon]]\n{{Alt: There\u0027s a river flowing through the ocean}}", "alt": "There\u0027s a river flowing through the ocean", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/landscape_cropped_(1).jpg", "title": "Landscape (sketch)", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 5, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blown apart", "transcript": "[[A black number 70 sees a red package.]]\n70: hey, a package!\n[[The package explodes with a \u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e and a red cloud of smoke.]]\n[[There are a red 7, a green 5 and a blue 2 lying near a scorched mark on the floor.]]\n{{alt text: Blown into prime factors}}", "alt": "Blown into prime factors", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blownapart_color.jpg", "title": "Blown apart", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 6, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Irony", "transcript": "Narrator: When self-reference, irony, and meta-humor go too far\nNarrator: A CAUTIONARY TALE\nMan 1: This statement wouldn\u0027t be funny if not for irony!\nMan 1: ha ha\nMan 2: ha ha, I guess.\nNarrator: 20,000 years later...\n[[desolate badlands landscape with an imposing sun in the sky]]\n{{It\u0027s commonly known that too much perspective can be a downer.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s commonly known that too much perspective can be a downer.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/irony_color.jpg", "title": "Irony", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 7, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Girl sleeping (Sketch -- 11th grade Spanish class)", "transcript": "[[Girl sleeping on her side, facing away from view]]", "alt": "I don\u0027t remember her name at all, but she fell asleep on the floor in front of me.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/girl_sleeping_noline_(1).jpg", "title": "Girl sleeping (Sketch -- 11th grade Spanish class)", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 8, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Red spiders", "transcript": "[[Many red spiders standing on and hanging from cuboids. The cuboids hang in the air with no visible means of support.]]\n{{They are six-legged spiders}}", "alt": "They are six-legged spiders", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/red_spiders_small.jpg", "title": "Red spiders", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 9, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Serenity is coming out tomorrow", "transcript": "[[Several stick figures stand side by side in a lineup. A forlorn male in a coat, a male with combed hair, a male with spiky hair and arms outstretched enthusiastically, a female with long hair and cornrows, a shorter female with stringy hair falling over her face, an enthusiastic female with arms raised in celebration with shorter hair, a male with short hair and a goatee, a female with curly hair wearing a dress, and a stern-looking man with flyaway hair. There is no dialogue.]] \n{{Alt: Mal, Simon, Wash, Zoe, River, Kaylee, Jayne, Inara, Book.}}", "alt": "Mal, Simon, Wash, Zoe, River, Kaylee, Jayne, Inara, Book.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/firefly.jpg", "title": "Serenity is coming out tomorrow", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 10, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pi Equals", "transcript": "Pi = 3.141592653589793helpimtrappedinauniversefactory7108914...", "alt": "My most famous drawing, and one of the first I did for the site", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pi.jpg", "title": "Pi Equals", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 11, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Barrel - Part 2", "transcript": "[[A boy sits in a barrel which is floating in an ocean.]]\nBoy: None of the places i floated had mommies.\n{{Alt: Awww.}}", "alt": "Awww.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/barrel_mommies.jpg", "title": "Barrel - Part 2", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 12, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Poisson", "transcript": "[[A stick figure says to another black-hat-wearing figure.]]\nMan: I\u0027m a poisson distribution!\nMan: Still a poisson distribution.\nHat Guy: What the hell, man. Why do you keep saying that?\nMan: Because I\u0027m totally a poisson distribution.\nHat Guy: I\u0027m less than zero.\n[[Man is gone; Hat Guy is whistling.]]\n{{alt text: Poisson distributions have no value over negative numbers}}", "alt": "Poisson distributions have no value over negative numbers", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/poisson.jpg", "title": "Poisson", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 13, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Canyon", "transcript": "[[Two men are standing at some kind of cliff edge]]\nMan 1: What time is it?\nMan 2: Now.\n[[Full scene is revealed: the men are standing at the edge of a huge canyon in a rocky, barren landscape. A pock-marked moon and a ringed planet are visible in the burgundy-coloured sky]]\nMan 1: That\u0027s a pretty boring answer.\nMan 2: Is not.\nMan 2: It\u0027s the least boring answer imaginable.\n{{Alt text: They\u0027re standing at the lip of the canyon, which isn\u0027t clear at all.}}", "alt": "They\u0027re standing at the lip of the canyon, which isn\u0027t clear at all.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/canyon_small.jpg", "title": "Canyon", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 14, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Copyright", "transcript": "[[Colored drawing of a hilly grassy landscape, stick figure leaning against a tree.]]\nMan: Sometimes I just can\u0027t get outraged over copyright law\n{{Alt: After reading Slashdot and BoingBoing, sometimes I have to go outside.}}", "alt": "After reading Slashdot and BoingBoing, sometimes I have to go outside.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/copyright.jpg", "title": "Copyright", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 15, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Just Alerting You", "transcript": "[[There is a man standing on top of a dinosaur (Brontosaurus?) and holding reins to the dinosaurs head.]]\nMan: Before you talk to me, I should warn you: I am kind of strange\n{{title text: Just thought you should know}}", "alt": "Just thought you should know", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/just_alerting_you.jpg", "title": "Just Alerting You", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 16, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Monty Python -- Enough", "transcript": "Character #1 [[Raising his hands]]: We are the knights who say... Ni!!\nTwo guys and a girl: hahaha\n[[written]] Does anyone else find it funny that decades later, people are still groting --word-for-word-- a group loved for its mastery of shock, the unexpected and defiance of cocnvention?\n[[Two guys looking at a third]]\nThird guy: We are the knights who... Oh, God, I\u0027m so sorry\n[[Close up to Third guy\u0027s face]]\nThird guy: So sorry the car just came too fast and\n[[Words crumpled inside the panel, there\u0027s barely enough space for the third guy]]\nThird guy: She was right there and I sasw her and then it was a blur and so much I ran to help didn\u0027t know she wasn\u0027t moving I\u0027m so sorry ... so sorry\n[[Same two guys looking again at the third guy]]\nThird guy: Anyway, yeah, knights who say \"Ni\".\n[[Written centered, in markee format]]\n\u003cu\u003eHonor \u003c\nu\u003e\nMonty Python:\nPromote surreal humor.\n{{Tag: I went to a dinner where there was a full 10 minutes of Holy Grail quotes exchanged w...}}", "alt": "I went to a dinner where there was a full 10 minutes of Holy Grail quotes exchanged, with no context, in lieu of conversation. It depressed me badly.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/monty_python.jpg", "title": "Monty Python -- Enough", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 17, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "What If", "transcript": "[[A large black circle with white bubbles inside it, filled with hearts, question marks, and stick figure couples]]\nWhat if this isn\u0027t everything it should be?\nI\u0027m not even sure how I feel\nWhat if I\u0027m making a mistake?\n{{Title text: I once made an anniversary card for my then-girlfriend with this layout.}}", "alt": "I once made an anniversary card for my then-girlfriend with this layout.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/what_if.jpg", "title": "What If", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 18, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Snapple", "transcript": "{{Author\u0027s Comment: This one is entirely James\u0027 fault.}}\n[[Two guys are standing and talking.]]\nRight Guy: Here, take a bite of this Snapple.\nLeft Guy: food!\n[[Guy on the right takes a bite]]\nRight Guy: Ow! What is this? \n\u003c\u003cCLINK\u003e\u003e\nLeft Guy: It\u0027s an apple infused with tin.\n[[The two guys continue to stand as if frozen]]\n \n{{Author\u0027s Comment: Those of you who know your periodic table should be laughing right about now.}} \n{{Title Text: Sn= tin}}", "alt": "Sn = tin", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snapple.jpg", "title": "Snapple", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 19, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "George Clinton", "transcript": "Narrator: I once tried to start the urban legend that George Clinton has a B.A. in mathematics\n[[George Clinton indicates equations on a blackboard]]\nNarrator: ...but I wanted it to be true so badly that I started believing it myself.\n{{Title text: I still wish it were true.}}", "alt": "I still wish it were true.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/george_clinton.jpg", "title": "George Clinton", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 20, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ferret", "transcript": "[[A ferret with airplane wings on it]]\nFriend: Why on earth did you make those wings? You don\u0027t seriously think they could let your ferret fly, right?\nGuy: I... of course not.\nGuy: That would be pretty dumb. It\u0027s just, uh... ...a Halloween costume.\nFriend: oh, okay.\nFriend: Besides, who would want a pet to fly anyway?\nGuy: Yeah. Pretty lame, huh?\nFriend: Anyway, let\u0027s go play video games.\n[[Friend leaves]]\n[[Friend is gone, and Guy is looking at ferret]]\n[[Guy imagines ferret flying over the ocean near the beach using his makeshift wings]]\n{{title text: My brother had a ferret he loved which died since I drew this strip. RIP.}}", "alt": "My brother had a ferret he loved which died since I drew this strip. RIP.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ferret.jpg", "title": "Ferret", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 21, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kepler", "transcript": "[[ Two people stand in an aisle in a store ]]\nPerson 1: Nice store. How do you keep the floors so clean?\nPerson 2: Oh, we hired this dude named Kepler, he\u0027s really good hard worker. Doesn\u0027t mind the monotony. Sweeps out the same area every night.\n{{ alt: Science joke. You should probably just move along. }}", "alt": "Science joke. You should probably just move along.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kepler.jpg", "title": "Kepler", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 22, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Barrel - Part 3", "transcript": "[[Large vortex, spinning water covers the whole panel. A boy in a floating barrel is near the edge, apparently about to be sucked in.]]\nBoy: Wow!\n{{alt text: A whirlpool!}}", "alt": "A whirlpool!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/barrel_whirlpool.jpg", "title": "Barrel - Part 3", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 23, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "T-shirts", "transcript": "[[A collection of phrases on T-shirts]]\nI see dumb people\nAs a matter of fact the world DOES revolve around me\nI can only please one person per day today is not your day.\nYou know what your problem is? You\u0027re stupid.\nGet a clue\nDo I look like a people person?\nYour village called they want their idiot back\nGo away\nI hate you all\nDIE.\nHelp.\nMaybe if this T-shirt is witty enough, someone will finally love me.\nOh God I\u0027m so alone\n{{Alt: It\u0027s depressing how many of these are real shirts}}", "alt": "It\u0027s depressing how many of these are real shirts", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/t-shirts.jpg", "title": "T-shirts", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 24, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Godel, Escher, Kurt Halsey", "transcript": "Drawn during an unending NASA lecture.\n\n[[Two people are talking, one in a hat.]]\nHatless: it\u0027s just so hard to compare kids now with kids in the past. you can\u0027t help but to belong to one group or the other.\n\nHatless: and of course every generation seems awful to the one before it. look at quotes from throughout history.\n\nHatted: yeah, and it sure would be nice to have some perspective on some of this stuff. I just don\u0027t know what to make of it.\n[[Circles are appearing--maybe snow?]]\n\nHatless: i guess you do what you can to help the people around you and hope it turns out okay.\n\nHatless: in the end, what else can you do?\n\nHatted: lead a crusade?\n\n[[We can no longer see the people, just the circles.]]\nit\u0027s presentism, man. the idea that historical context is irrelevant, that we understand it all\n\nthat we need take no warnings from the follies of the past. that we\u0027re facing something new.\n\nsocrates couldn\u0027t imagine the internet. but people don\u0027t change.\n[[We can start to see the corner of a darker circle in the lower right.]]\n\n((The borders between the three panels on this line are cracking.))\n\nhave you seen those collections of historical pornography? talk about historical context.\n\ndid you know the first porn photo was bestial in [[inside a circle:]] nature?\n\nat least that stuff was out of the mainstream [[each word in one circle:]] no just in history\n\n((the three panels have merged into one on each row.))\n\ni don\u0027t know about you, but [[circled]] I [[uncircled]] never\neven once seen\n[[The circles are highly variable in size now, and pressed up against a larger one on the right side.]]\n\n[[There is mass of circles of different sizes, with some dark fissures in between, against the side of a large circle which we can see part of in the right half of the panel. They look like cells. There\u0027s a tiny square in the center of the giant cell.]]\n\n[[We see only the tiny square, centered. It has a few marks inside it.]]\n\n[[Closer, the square is divided into rectangles of different sizes, each of which has text in it.]]\n\n[[Much closer, we can see fragments of the text. Some are sideways, some are cut off, some are too small to read.]]\nmachine language translated by principles of isomorphism it is a consequence of the Church-Turing thesis that ...\nbut how do you select the channel you wish to se-\nthou ... shou ... palin ... stri ... it is a ... crab ...\n\n[[Closer still, we can just see a huge sideways s and h.]]\n\n[[Those letters are faded and mixed with a faded version of the next panel.]]\n\ngirls take boys away ...\nnever be further than a phone call and a goosebumped shiver away ...\ndrove all night listening to mix tapes ...\nthe past is just practice\n[[There is a heart at the bottom and, in the lower left, the name Kurt.]]\n\n[[The same as the previous panel, but with the words blurred out to scribbles.]]\n\n[[Jagged, shaded shapes and strands start to fall. Faint panel borders appear again. There is a person on the far right.]]\n\n((Back to three panels per row.))\n\n[[A man and woman are standing amid the fragments.]]\n\nMan: There\u0027s too much. And so little feels important.\n\n[[The jagged edge of the shaded area is encroaching on the sides of the panel.]]\n\nWhat do you do?\n\n[[We see them from farther away through a rough hole in the shaded area. Bits continue to fall around them.]]\n\n[[She takes his hand.]]\n\n{{Title text: I love the idea here, though of course it\u0027s not a great-quality drawing or scan.}}", "alt": "I love the idea here, though of course it\u0027s not a great-quality drawing or scan.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/godel_escher_kurthalsey.jpg", "title": "Godel, Escher, Kurt Halsey", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 25, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Barrel - Part 4", "transcript": "[[The barrel is shown, floating sideways in a choppy sea. The boy can not be seen]]\n{{title text: :( }}", "alt": ":(", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/barrel_part_4.jpg", "title": "Barrel - Part 4", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 26, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fourier", "transcript": "[[ Person talks on phone. Cat with many sharp points looks on. ]]\nPerson on phone: Hi, Dr. Elizabeth? Yeah, uh ... I accidentally took the Fourier transform of my cat ...\nCat: Meow!\n{{alt-text: That cat has some serious periodic components}}", "alt": "That cat has some serious periodic components", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fourier.jpg", "title": "Fourier", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 27, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Meat Cereals", "transcript": "[[A collection of fictional meat based cereals]]\nPork Loops\nMice Krispies\nHammios\nFrosted Bacon Flakes\nScrapple Jacks\nHoney Bunches of Goats\n{{Alt: Disgusting}", "alt": "Disgusting", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meat_cereals.jpg", "title": "Meat Cereals", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 28, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Elefino", "transcript": "Q: What do you get when you cross an Elephant with a Rhino?\n[[Picture of elephant, mathematical addition symbol, picture of rhino, equals sign, large question mark]]\nA: I haven\u0027t a goddamn clue.\n[[The correct answer to the joke is given in the title text]]\n{{title text: Hell if I know}}", "alt": "Hell if I know", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/elefino.jpg", "title": "Elefino", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 29, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hitler", "transcript": "Learning about the Holocaust has really shaken my belief in God.\nYou know, as a young man, Hitler was rejected from art school.\nYeah... shame he didn\u0027t get in\nWell, have you seen any of his paintings? They\u0027re awful. Defy all rules of composition.\nWhat are you suggesting?\nMaybe there is a god, but he\u0027s a real art lover.\nThis is why I don\u0027t go out in public with you.\n{{Alt text: So he\u0027s saying that God thought Hitler\u0027s art was so bad that the Holocaust was an acceptable alternative. It\u0027s no secret that the hat guy is closely based on Aram, from Men in Hats.}}", "alt": "So he\u0027s saying that God thought Hitler\u0027s art was so bad that the Holocaust was an acceptable alternative. It\u0027s no secret that the hat guy is closely based on Aram, from Men in Hats.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hitler.jpg", "title": "Hitler", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 30, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Donner", "transcript": "[[Three people stand in the foyer of a restaurant. A sign above the entryway reads \"JOE\u0027S\" and there is a menu next to it. In front of the entryway, there\u0027s a host behind a podium. A sign on the podium reads \"EAT IN\".]]\nHost: Donner, party of four?\nMan: Actually, never mind.\nWoman: We\u0027re full.\n{{title text: Some people haven\u0027t heard of the Donner Party. They were pioneers who got stranded and likely resorted to cannibalism.}}", "alt": "Some people haven\u0027t heard of the Donner Party. They were pioneers who got stranded and likely resorted to cannibalism.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/donner.jpg", "title": "Donner", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 31, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Barrel - Part 5", "transcript": "[[Boy floating on barrel in ocean]]\n[[Zoomed out view of boy floating on barrel in ocean]]\n[[Ferret with airplane wings and tail above the ocean]]\n[[The empty ocean]]\n[[Flying ferret carrying the boy to safety]]\n[[Ocean with ferret carrying boy in distance, sun on the horizon]]\n{{title text: Too good not to happen.}}", "alt": "Too good not to happen.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/barrel_part_5.jpg", "title": "Barrel - Part 5", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 32, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pillar", "transcript": "This one is mostly by my little brother, Doug.\n[[Person on a tall pillar is talking to person on the group]]\nPerson on pillar: The sky is so blue, and all the leaves are green.\nPerson on ground: Haven\u0027 t you ever wondered if we really see the same colors as everyone else? It\u0027s all perception.\nPerson on pillar: Well, you might as well call into question all of human experience. Who really knows what world someone else sees?\nPerson on ground: Yeah, I guess.\nPerson on pillar: Anyway, can you help me down from this pole?\nPerson on ground: What pole?\n{{Title Text: A comic by my brother Doug, redrawn and rewritten by me}}", "alt": "A comic by my brother Doug, redrawn and rewritten by me", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pillar.jpg", "title": "Pillar", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 33, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Self-reference", "transcript": "[[Guy standing alone]] Guy: I promise never to never again squeeze humor out of self-reference.\n[[Guy standing alone]]\n[[Guy standing alone]] Guy: God dammit.\n{{title text: I think about self-reference a lot. Example: this comment.}}", "alt": "I think about self-reference a lot. Example: this comment.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/self-reference.jpg", "title": "Self-reference", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 34, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flowers", "transcript": "[[A sketch of flowers, drawn in red and green]]", "alt": "This is actually pencil on paper, just inverted and colored", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flowers.jpg", "title": "Flowers", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 35, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sheep", "transcript": "Heading: Another from my high-school notebooks.\n[[A sheep and a potted saguaro cactus linked by an arcing yellow electricity bolt, drawn on graph paper]]\n{{title text: I think it\u0027s the sheep zapping the cactus and not vice-versa}}", "alt": "I think it\u0027s the sheep zapping the cactus and not vice-versa", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sheep.jpg", "title": "Sheep", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 36, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scientists", "transcript": "In what scientists are calling \"pretty gay,\" I can\u0027t find my shoes.\n{{ alt: A leading expert characterized the situation as \u0027retarded\u0027 }}", "alt": "A leading expert characterized the situation as \u0027retarded\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scientists.jpg", "title": "Scientists", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 37, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hyphen", "transcript": "{{Headline: My hobby: whenever calls something an [adjective]-ass [noun], I mentally move the hyphen one word to the right.}}\n[[One man is talking to another about a car that resembles a Volkswagen Beetle]]\nMan: Man, that\u0027s a sweet ass-car.\n{{Title text: I do this constantly}}", "alt": "I do this constantly", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hyphen.jpg", "title": "Hyphen", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 38, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Apple Jacks", "transcript": "[[Father is standing holding a bowl of Scrapple Jacks in his hand. Son is sitting on the floor playing video games.]]\nFather: Hey, these don\u0027t taste like apples!\nSon: Fuck off, dad.\n{{alt text: There used to be these ads, see . . .}}", "alt": "There used to be these ads, see . . .", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/apple_jacks.jpg", "title": "Apple Jacks", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 39, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bowl", "transcript": "[[A boy is glaring at a model sailing ship floating in a bowl of water.]]\nBoy: Sooner or later, my friend, one of us will run out of time.\n{{Alt: For the moment it\u0027s a standoff}}", "alt": "For the moment it\u0027s a standoff", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bowl.jpg", "title": "Bowl", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 40, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Light", "transcript": "[[A crowd of figures stand around in the dark. One figure is illuminated by a beam of light.]]\nIn a dark and confusing world, you burn brightly. I never feel lost.\n{{Alt-text: Like a beacon.}}", "alt": "Like a beacon", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/light.jpg", "title": "Light", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 41, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Old Drawing", "transcript": "[[A tree holding a chainsaw over a recently cut-down tree.]]\nI found this in one of my high-school notebooks. I think I drew it just to take revenge on people snooping through my stuff.\nCut-down tree: WELL, YOU STUMPED ME...\n{{I don\u0027t want to talk about it}}", "alt": "I don\u0027t want to talk about it", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unspeakable_pun.jpg", "title": "Old Drawing", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 42, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Geico", "transcript": "I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by threatening my agent with a golf club.\n{{title text: David did this}}", "alt": "David did this", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geico.jpg", "title": "Geico", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 43, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Red Spiders 2", "transcript": "[[Red spiders, with round appendages at the end of each of their six legs, are seen navigating an environment of blocks and other geometric constructions]]\n{{title text: This was actually drawn years before Red Spiders}}", "alt": "This was actually drawn years before Red Spiders", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/red_spiders_2.jpg", "title": "Red Spiders 2", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 44, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Love", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman stand facing one another]]\nMan: I love you!\nWoman: I love you!\nMan: I love you more!\nWoman: Yeah.\n[[A man and a woman stand facing one another - saying nothing.]]\n{{Alt-text: This one makes me wince every time I think about it}}", "alt": "This one makes me wince every time I think about it", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/love.jpg", "title": "Love", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 45, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Schrodinger", "transcript": "[[Label: Schrödinger\u0027s Comic]]\n[[Two figures standing, one with a black hat]]\nThe last panel of this comic is both funny and not funny at the same time.\nUntil you read it, there\u0027s no way to tell which it will end up being.\nShit.\n{{alt: There was no alt-text until you moused over}}", "alt": "There was no alt-text until you moused over", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/schrodinger.jpg", "title": "Schrodinger", "day": "4" }, { "month": "1", "num": 46, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Secrets", "transcript": "I just want you to share in my secrets\n[[lonely looking girl staring down]]\nand not run away\n{{alt: I\u0027m a big fan of Kurt Halsey}}", "alt": "I\u0027m a big fan of Kurt Halsey", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/secrets.jpg", "title": "Secrets", "day": "6" }, { "month": "1", "num": 47, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Counter-Red Spiders", "transcript": "[[A stack of stick figures, standing on each others shoulders extends from the bottom of the frame to the top. Cuboids hang in the air]]\nThe counter-red-spider offensive begins ...\n{{title text: I hope we can stop them}}", "alt": "I hope we can stop them", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/counter-red-spiders.jpg", "title": "Counter-Red Spiders", "day": "9" }, { "month": "1", "num": 48, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Found", "transcript": "[[A male and female stick figure are standing on a white hill (presumably snow) with a grey sky covered with thick streaks of white, and small pink dots]]\nwe are just two people \nwho found each other\n{{No more, no less}}", "alt": "No more, no less", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/found.jpg", "title": "Found", "day": "12" }, { "month": "1", "num": 49, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Want", "transcript": "I want to be brave enough to tell you how I feel.\nI want to say \"I love you\" _before_ I hang up the phone for once.\nI want to drive all night with you, listening to mix tapes, not caring where we end up.\nOh, and I also really want to get with your sister.\nI mean, DAMN.\n{{title text: Well, she\u0027s pretty hot.}}", "alt": "Well, she\u0027s pretty hot.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/want.jpg", "title": "Want", "day": "14" }, { "month": "1", "num": 50, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Penny Arcade", "transcript": "Tycho: You know what? If you\u0027ve never played the 1995 SNES RPG \u0027Seiken Densetsu\u0027 don\u0027t even _bother_ reading today\u0027s strip. We don\u0027t _need_ your kind here.\n{{title text: Of course, Penny Arcade has already mocked themselves for this. They don\u0027t care.}}", "alt": "Of course, Penny Arcade has already mocked themselves for this. They don\u0027t care.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/penny_arcade.jpg", "title": "Penny Arcade", "day": "17" }, { "month": "1", "num": 51, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Malaria", "transcript": "[[People wearing party hat, a discarded balloon to the side]]\nWe had a malaria party, but it turned out not to be very much fun.\n{{title text: The malaria party was David\u0027s idea.}}", "alt": "The malaria party was David\u0027s idea", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/malaria.jpg", "title": "Malaria", "day": "18" }, { "month": "1", "num": 52, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Secret Worlds", "transcript": "[[Pieces of a quote in circles with lines drawn in between them]]\n[[Some of the circles are small and colored]]\n\"Everybody has a secret world inside of them.\nAll of the people in the whole world\nI mean everybody\nNo matter how dull and boring they are on the outside\nInside they\u0027ve all got unimaginable\nmagnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing, worlds\nNot just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands, maybe.\"\n--Neil Gaiman\nSandman", "alt": "No two adjacent circles are the same color.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/secret_worlds.jpg", "title": "Secret Worlds", "day": "21" }, { "month": "1", "num": 53, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hobby", "transcript": "{{My hobby:}}\nWhen the police bust drug hideouts, I sneak in and hide. Then I jump out and startle them into shooting me so they lose points.\n[[A dead body on the ground in a pool of blood, with \"-100\" over it]]\n{{Alt: The only one of these games I really played was Area 51)}}", "alt": "The only one of these games I really played was Area 51", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hobby.jpg", "title": "Hobby", "day": "23" }, { "month": "1", "num": 54, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Science", "transcript": "[[Graph of cosmic microwave background radiation: Y axis is energy density, X axis is frequency in GHz. Energy density peaks at 160.4GHz]]\nI(f) = ((2hf^3)\n(c^2))(1\n(((hf)\n(e^kT))-1))\nSCIENCE.\nIt works, bitches.\n{{title text: Bonus point if you can identify the science in question}}", "alt": "Bonus points if you can identify the science in question", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/science.jpg", "title": "Science", "day": "25" }, { "month": "1", "num": 55, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Useless", "transcript": "[[Different mathematic equations, all with heart on left side, and all equal question mark. Equations are as follows:\nSquare root of heart equals question mark\nCosinus of heart equals question mark\nDerivative of heart with respect to x equals question mark\nIdentity matrix of heart equals question mark\nFourier transform of heart equals question mark]]\nMy normal approach is useless here\n{{alt text: Even the identity matrix doesn\u0027t work normally}}", "alt": "Even the identity matrix doesn\u0027t work normally", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/useless.jpg", "title": "Useless", "day": "27" }, { "month": "1", "num": 56, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Cure", "transcript": "[[An unusually realistic (for xkcd) pencil drawing of Robert Smith\u0027s head and face, with a caption underneath.]]\nCaption: Robert Smith should do a cover of Coldplay\u0027s \u0027Clocks,\u0027 so when he sings \"Am I part of the cure \n or am I part of the disease?\" we can say, \"Ooh, we know this one!\"\n{{Title Text: My first try at drawing a real face in years.}}", "alt": "My first try at drawing a real face in years", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_cure.jpg", "title": "The Cure", "day": "30" }, { "month": "1", "num": 57, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wait For Me", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman stand facing one another]]\nWoman: Why didn\u0027t you wait for me?\nMan: I thought you were gone forever!\nWoman: I said I\u0027d be back in a minute!\nMan: The . . . the seconds went fast at first, but then they started to drag on. She was there for me.\nWoman: You had an affair in the 90 seconds I was gone?!\nMan: . . . yes.\nMan: And we had a son.\nMan: He\u0027d be about your age now.\n{{Alt-text: Opening dialogue by Scott}}", "alt": "Opening dialogue by Scott", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wait_for_me.jpg", "title": "Wait For Me", "day": "31" }, { "month": "2", "num": 58, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Why Do You Love Me?", "transcript": "[[Man and Woman stand]]\nMan: Why do you love me?\nWoman: I don\u0027t know; My heart never gave me a choice.\nMan: Aww.\n[[No dialogue]]\nWoman: I wish it had.\n{{title-text:Opening dialogue by Scott}}", "alt": "Opening dialogue by Scott", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/why_do_you_love_me.jpg", "title": "Why Do You Love Me?", "day": "1" }, { "month": "2", "num": 59, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Graduation", "transcript": "[[two girls are talking]]\nblonde: What do you want to do when you graduate ?\nbrunette: I want to become a lighthouse operator.\nblonde: Oh ?\nbrunette: Yeah.\n[[cut to scene of lighthouse with text overlaid]]\nbrunette: Lighthouses are built on interesting pieces of coast, so I\u0027ll have an interesting place to walk and swim, and great views of all kinds of weather. I\u0027d feel good about myself and my work every single day.\n[[cut back to two girls]]\nbrunette: I\u0027d get to be the girl in the tower, only I\u0027d be the one rescuing people.\nbrunette: Why. What do you want to do ?\nblonde: I\u0027m going to grad school. I don\u0027t really know why.\nbrunette: Wanna come hang in my lighthouse over breaks ?\nblonde: ...yeah.\n{{title text: Opening dialogue by Scott}}", "alt": "Opening dialogue by Scott", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/graduation.jpg", "title": "Graduation", "day": "3" }, { "month": "2", "num": 60, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Super Bowl", "transcript": "[[A green car with the text next to it]]\nMy hobby:\nWhile everyone is watching\nthe Super Bowl, feeling\nsmugly superior because\nthey\u0027re \"Only watching for\nthe ads,\" I steal cars.", "alt": "The Super Bowl is actually an elaborate ruse, concocted by a shadowy group in the mid sixties for this purpose. The \u0027watch it for the ads\u0027 addition was a master stroke.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/super_bowl.jpg", "title": "Super Bowl", "day": "6" }, { "month": "2", "num": 61, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stacey\u0027s Dad", "transcript": "Stacey\u0027s Dad: Look, I know you think that since I walked out she could use a guy like you. But trust me. That woman has a lot going on, and you want none of it.\nStacey\u0027s Dad: Get out while you still can.\n{{Alt: I bet she gets you to mow the lawn, doesn\u0027t she?}}", "alt": "I bet she gets you to mow the lawn, doesn\u0027t she?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/staceys_dad.jpg", "title": "Stacey\u0027s Dad", "day": "8" }, { "month": "2", "num": 62, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Valentine - Karnaugh", "transcript": "[[squiggly heart design]]\nYou make me feel so\nmuch it all runs together\nI wish I could tell you\n[[crisscrossing heart design]]\nSo few words\nfor so many feelings\ncrisscrossing my heart\n[[heart matrix design]]\nA matrix of desire\nTangled relations\nI can\u0027t simplify\n[[Karnaugh map of hearts]]\nI wish I could find\nthe Karnaugh map\nfor love.\n{{Love and circuit analysis, hand in hand at last.}}", "alt": "Love and circuit analysis, hand in hand at last.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/karnaugh.jpg", "title": "Valentine - Karnaugh", "day": "10" }, { "month": "2", "num": 63, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Valentine - Heart", "transcript": "I want to wish you a happy Valentine\u0027s Day but unless this card is going to finally get you naked, I have to admit my heart\u0027s not really in it.\n{{Alt Text: Just pretend you\u0027re kidding.}}", "alt": "Just pretend you\u0027re kidding.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/valentine.jpg", "title": "Valentine - Heart", "day": "13" }, { "month": "2", "num": 64, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Solar Plexus", "transcript": "[[Hat guy and man standing there talking]]\nHat guy: Asolarplexussayswhat?\nMan: What?\n[[They continue to stand there]]\n[[They continue to stand there]]\n[[Hat guy punches the man in the chest]]\n{{alt: It hurts to be hit there, you know}}", "alt": "It hurts to be hit there, you know", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/solar_plexus.jpg", "title": "Solar Plexus", "day": "15" }, { "month": "2", "num": 65, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Banter", "transcript": "[[Two guys stand together]]\nFirst Guy: Man, she\u0027s hot\nSecond Guy: Whatever, you are so gay.\nFirst Guy: C\u0027mon, everyone knows you\u0027re the gay one\nSecond Guy: Hey, your mom\u0027s pretty masculine, but sleeping with her doesn\u0027t make me gay.\nFirst Guy: Fag.\nSecond Guy: Ass pirate.\nFirst Guy: Fudge packer\nSecond Guy: Cock jockey\nFirst Guy: Cum dumpster.\n(silent panel)\nFirst guy: Okay, seriously, are you gay? Because if you\u0027ve been holding out on me, we\u0027re missing out.\nSecond guy: No, it\u0027s cool.\nFirst guy: OK me neither.\n(silent panel)\n(silent panel)\n{{alt text: This was an actual mock conversation between me and a friend at TGIF. The waitress walked up around panel 5 and was somewhat put off.}}", "alt": "This was an actual mock conversation between me and a friend at TGiF. The waitress walked up around panel 5 and was somewhat put off.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/banter.jpg", "title": "Banter", "day": "17" }, { "month": "2", "num": 66, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Abusive Astronomy", "transcript": "Identifying star clusters:\n[[Image of a star cluster.]]\nThis is the Pleiades, asshole.\nOrion\u0027s Belt:\n[[Image of a Orion\u0027s Belt.]]\nOnly a moron couldn\u0027t find it.\nThis is the Big Dipper:\n[[Image of the Big Dipper.]]\nWhat the hell is wrong with you?\n{{Medium: Pencil on paper}}", "alt": "Medium: Pencil on paper", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/abusive_astronomy.jpg", "title": "Abusive Astronomy", "day": "20" }, { "month": "2", "num": 67, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nerd Girls", "transcript": "[[Girl with shoulder length brown hair and glasses, wearing a shirt which says \"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons\"]]\nGirl: At least, thanks to your constant fawning, we have an *excuse* for our social ineptness. What\u0027s *yours*?\n{{Title Text: Nothing personal, high schoolers}}", "alt": "Nothing personal, high schoolers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nerd_girls.jpg", "title": "Nerd Girls", "day": "22" }, { "month": "2", "num": 68, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Five Thirty", "transcript": "Comics from 5.30 AM\n[[A succession of unrelated and completely random panels]]\nMan 1: It\u0027s 80\u0027s night at the club. Wanna go?\nMan 1: There is no Tuesday.\nMan 2: Jack the Ripper or Jack Black?\n[[The second man in this panel is holding a glinting sword]]\nMan 1: You crashed my helicopter!\nMan 2: Verily!\n[[A small figure is talking with a larger figure]]\nFigure 1: Basically, neither of us have shins.\nFigure 2: Over and out.\n[[Two men are shown: one with three arms, and another with just two. All arms have round appendages at their ends]]\nMen: shitshitshitshitshit\nMen: shitdaylightsavings\nMen: shitshitshitshitsh\n[[Two figures with pumpkins (carved with faces) for heads]]\nFigure 1: You\u0027re out of ointment and out of time!\n[[A diagram of a right-angled triangle, with a theta at the smallest angle]]\nFUCK THE COSINE\nMan 1: Does being a mermaid for five minutes make you gay?\nMan 2: I hope so!\n[[A man is holding a gun to the head of another]]\nMan 1: Barbershops are for pussies.\nMan 1: My hair is bleeding.\nMan 2: [square root]3\n[[Man seems to be walking on the ceiling]]\nMan 1: Bachelor party!\n[[Warning sign with picture of spider]]\nWARNING: STRETCHY DEATH\n{{title text: The eighth panel is my favourite}}", "alt": "The 8th panel is my favorite", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/five_thirty.jpg", "title": "Five Thirty", "day": "24" }, { "month": "2", "num": 69, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pillow Talk", "transcript": "Guy: Staring at the ceiling, she asked me what I was thinking about.\nGuy: I should have made something up.\nGuy: The Bellman-Ford algorithm makes terrible pillow talk.\n{{Title Text: Maybe I should\u0027ve tried Wexler?}}", "alt": "Maybe I should\u0027ve tried Wexler?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pillow_talk.jpg", "title": "Pillow Talk", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 70, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Guitar Hero", "transcript": "[[On a stage, a guy with a beard is in the background, holding a microphone. In the center is a guy with an electric guitar. The catwalk has bumps to resemble the tracks of Guitar Hero.]]\nWhen I\u0027m in a rock band, I\u0027m gonna do a cool, mellow song. Then in the middle I\u0027ll stop, announce \"this part is just to be an asshole to people playing Guitar Hero,\" and then flail wildly on the strings for 30 seconds.\n{{Title Text: And then do it again in a moment now that they\u0027re out of Star Power}}", "alt": "And then do it again in a moment now that they\u0027re out of Star Power", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/guitar_hero.jpg", "title": "Guitar Hero", "day": "1" }, { "month": "3", "num": 71, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "In the Trees", "transcript": "[[Man standing in forest]]\nMan: We made it so far together but then I lost you in the trees.\n[[Closer view of man]]\nMan: Finally\n{{Alt-text: It was tricky.}}", "alt": "It was tricky.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/in_the_trees.jpg", "title": "In the Trees", "day": "3" }, { "month": "3", "num": 72, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Classhole", "transcript": "[[Two men are talking.]]\nMan 1: How did you spend your morning?\nMan 2: Feeding rocks to children in the park.\nMan 1: Your sociopathic abuse of random strangers staggers me.\nMan 2: I aspire to have more creativity than the common asshole.\nMan 2: I\u0027m more of a classy asshole -- A class-hole, if you will. For example, I like poking tiny holes in styrofoam noodle cups at the grocery store--\nMan 2: Thanks to me, someone gets surprise boiling water in the lap.\nMan 1: I am in awe.\nMan 2: It\u0027s even more fun to do to condoms.\n{{alt: A term coined by my friend Beth}}", "alt": "A term coined by my friend Beth", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/classhole.jpg", "title": "Classhole", "day": "6" }, { "month": "3", "num": 73, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Zeppelin", "transcript": "[[Two guys stand together]]\nFirst Guy: What time is it?\n[[Second guy\u0027s watch with the word \"Zeppelin!\" replacing 11, 12 and 1]]\n[[Two guys standing together in silence]]\n[[Large zeppelin above the two guys]]\n{[title text: A tribute to Buttercup Festival.}}", "alt": "A tribute to Buttercup Festival", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/zeppelin.jpg", "title": "Zeppelin", "day": "8" }, { "month": "3", "num": 74, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Su Doku", "transcript": "[[A square divided into 2x2 squares, the top-right one has an 1 in it, the bottom-right one has a 0, the two left ones are empty]]\n[[Label: Binary Su Doku]]\n{{alt text: This one is from the Red Belt collection, of \u0027medium\u0027 difficulty.}}", "alt": "This one is from the Red Belt collection, of \u0027medium\u0027 difficulty.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/su_doku.jpg", "title": "Su Doku", "day": "10" }, { "month": "3", "num": 75, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Curse Levels", "transcript": "[[\"My Hobby: mixing curse levels\" is at the top of the panel.]]\nRandom Guy: What a gosh-darned cunt.\n{{Alt text: I find so much fun in language.}}", "alt": "I find so much fun in language.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/curse_levels.jpg", "title": "Curse Levels", "day": "13" }, { "month": "3", "num": 76, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Familiar", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman are talking]]\nWoman: I worry that I\u0027m just with you because it\u0027s familiar. Of course no one else compares. I\u0027ve known you for so long that I\u0027d have to spend years with someone to build up this kind of connection \nand I daren\u0027t let you go of you long enough to let that happen.\nWoman: But I guess this is really all I can ask for.\nI\u0027m happy with you; I should stop worrying.\n[[Woman takes man\u0027s hand]]\nMan: This is probably a bad time to bring this up, but I don\u0027t actually like you.\n{{title text: :( }}", "alt": ":(", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/familiar.jpg", "title": "Familiar", "day": "15" }, { "month": "3", "num": 77, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bored with the Internet", "transcript": "[[Two men are talking in a room with a computer on. One is wearing a black hat.]]\nFirst man: I feel like I\u0027m wasting my life on the internet. Let\u0027s walk around the world.\nMan with the black hat: Sounds good.\n[[The two men are shown walking through trees.]]\n[[The two men are shown walking on flat stretch, with mountains in the distance.]]\n[[The two men are shown in a magnificent canyon. They stand, silently looking at the scene.]]\nFirst man: And yet all I can think is, \"This will make for a great LiveJournal entry.\"\n{{title text: I used to do this all the time.}}", "alt": "I used to do this all the time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bored_with_the_internet.jpg", "title": "Bored with the Internet", "day": "17" }, { "month": "3", "num": 78, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Garfield", "transcript": "I WANT TO SEE SOMETHING UNEXPECTED IN THE COMICS. JUST ONE STRIP COULD MAKE UP FOR IT ALL.\n[[Garfield standing at side of panel]]\n[[Zoom in on Garfield]]\n[[Closeup on Garfield\u0027s face]]\nGarfield thought bubble: THE WORLD IS BURNING.\n[[Tighter closeup on Garfield\u0027s face]]\nGarfield thought bubble: RUN.\nJIM DAVIS, THROW OFF YOUR COMMERICIAL SHACKLES. CHALLENGE US. GO OUT IN A BLAZE OF DADAIST GLORY.\nTHERE IS STILL TIME.\n{{alt: The use of the \u0027Garfield\u0027 character for the purposes of this parody qualifies as fair use under the Copyright Act of 1976, 17 U.S.C. sec. 107. See Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music (92-1292), 510 U.S. 569}}", "alt": "The use of the \u0027Garfield\u0027 character for the purposes of this parody qualifies as fair use under the Copyright Act of 1976, 17 U.S.C. sec. 107. See Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music (92-1292), 510 U.S. 569", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/garfield.jpg", "title": "Garfield", "day": "20" }, { "month": "3", "num": 79, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Iambic Pentameter", "transcript": "Person 1: What time can you pick Michael up?\nPerson 2: Well, I can meet the plane at ten of six.\nPerson 1: Do you know where to find him?\nPerson 2: I\u0027ll meet him at the stairs before the gate.\n{{My hobby: answering casual questions in iambic pentameter.}}\n{{alt: Of course, you don\u0027t wanna limit yourself to the strict forms of the meter. That could get pretty difficult.}}", "alt": "Of course, you don\u0027t wanna limit yourself to the strict forms of the meter. That could get pretty difficult.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/iambic_pentameter.jpg", "title": "Iambic Pentameter", "day": "22" }, { "month": "3", "num": 80, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "My Other Car", "transcript": "[[A blue driving Mitsubishi with spoiler]]\nBumper sticker: This IS my other car.\n{{title text: It\u0027s much better than the other one.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s much better than the other one.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/other_car.jpg", "title": "My Other Car", "day": "24" }, { "month": "3", "num": 81, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Attention, shopper", "transcript": "[[Hat guy is holding a golf club and speaking into a P.A. system]]\nHat guy: Attention,\nHat guy: To the owner of a Dodge Viper SRT-10 with license plate \"MYTOY\", your lights are on and your windshield was just smashed with a golf club.\n{{title text: There\u0027s a red convertible outside my building with the license plate \u0027DADS MNY\u0027.}}", "alt": "There\u0027s a red convertible outside my building with the license plate \u0027DADS MNY\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/attention_shopper.jpg", "title": "Attention, shopper", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 82, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Frame", "transcript": "[[A stick figure stands alone in the centre of the panel. Tendrils from the frame develop and grow in panels 1 and 2, wind round the figure in panel 3, and finally retreat back to the frame, tearing the stick figure apart in panel 4.]]\n{{Mouseover text: \"...\"}}", "alt": "...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frame.jpg", "title": "Frame", "day": "29" }, { "month": "3", "num": 83, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Katamari", "transcript": "[[A girl stands on the left. A man is sitting on the floor with a game controller in his hand. He is looking at a TV on the floor connected to a game console, also on the floor.]]\nGirl: Can you pause for a moment and help me with something?\nMan: You know, our love is like a katamari. We travel along, rolling up more and more of the world into our shared experience, taking it and making it our own.\nGirl: I, you... wow. Geekiness aside, that was actually incredibly sweet.\nMan: The clutter of everyday life, with a simple core to tie it together, eventually becomes something grand as the world itself.\n[[A rainbow extends outward from the TV, with \"ROYAL RAINBOW!\" above it.]]\nGirl: Okay, also sweet, but now I\u0027m wondering if you could possibly get any gayer.\n{{alt text: As the King of All Cosmos remarked, \u0027Is it that it\u0027s fun, or that it lets you forget yourself?\u0027}}", "alt": "As the King of All Cosmos remarked, \u0027Is it that it\u0027s fun, or that it lets you forget yourself?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/katamari.jpg", "title": "Katamari", "day": "31" }, { "month": "4", "num": 84, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "National Language", "transcript": "This happened to my friend:\n[[Men and women are standing in a row]]\nMan: English should be the national language. These immigrants should have to learn English when they come here.\nWoman: Yeah\nMan: When you go to live somewhere, you learn the language they speak there. English is the language of the land.\nOther Woman: Excuse me, but osio Sarah dawado.\nMan: What the hell was that?\nOther Woman: Woman: Cherokee.\n{{title text: She\u0027s pretty sharp when provoked.}}", "alt": "She\u0027s pretty sharp when provoked.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/national_language.jpg", "title": "National Language", "day": "3" }, { "month": "4", "num": 85, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Paths", "transcript": "[[Blueprint of a campus. Two buildings in the upper and lower left corners, respectively, and a rectangular lawn. A road encloses the lawn, another road traverses horizontally through the center of the lawn. The character is in the lower left and the upper right corner, where it says \"my apartment\".]]\n[[dashed line 1, from the lower-left along the road to the top-left corner, then to the top-right corner]] 60 seconds\n[[dashed line 2, from the lower-left along the road up to the center crossroads, then diagonally over the lawn to the top-right corner]] 48 seconds (80%)\n[[dashed line 3, diagonally from the lower-left to the top-right corner]] 44.7 seconds (74%)\nmy apartment\n#1=t\n#2=t ((1+sqrt(2))\n3)\n#3=t(sqrt(5)\n3)\nWhen I\u0027m walking, I worry a lot about the efficiency of my path.\n{{alt-text: It\u0027s true. I think about this all the time.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s true, I think about this all the time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/paths.jpg", "title": "Paths", "day": "5" }, { "month": "4", "num": 86, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Digital Rights Management", "transcript": "[[Hat Guy is standing on an advancing glacier]]\nHat Guy: Dear Sony, Microsoft, the MPAA, the RIAA, and Apple: Let\u0027s make a deal. You stop trying to tell me where, when, and how I play my movies and music, and I won\u0027t crush your homes under my inexorably advancing wall of ice.\n[[Alt text: If you\u0027re interested in the subject, Lawrence Lessig\u0027s \u0027Free Culture\u0027 is pretty good]]", "alt": "If you\u0027re interested in the subject, Lawrence Lessig\u0027s \u0027Free Culture\u0027 is pretty good", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sony_microsoft_mpaa_riaa_apple.jpg", "title": "Digital Rights Management", "day": "7" }, { "month": "4", "num": 87, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Velociraptors", "transcript": "[[Picture of a suburban house, with lines pointing to various aspects]]\nHigh bathroom window: probably secure.\nOuter door: secure.\npicture window: VELOCIRAPTOR ENTRY POINT!\nNarrator: It\u0027s been over a decade since Jurassic Park opened, and I still size up buildings for their potential as shelter against velociraptor attacks.\n{{title text: You\u0027re probably thinking, \u0027has it been a decade\u0027? It\u0027s been over thirteen years, buddy.}}", "alt": "You\u0027re probably thinking, \u0027has it been a decade?\u0027 It\u0027s been over thirteen years, buddy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/velociraptors.jpg", "title": "Velociraptors", "day": "10" }, { "month": "4", "num": 88, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Escher Bracelet", "transcript": "[[A Livestrong-type bracelet is featured with an Escher twist in it. The band has the letters \"WWED\" printed on it.]]\n{{What Would Escher Do?}}\n{{Alt: The only downside is that it would be a little uncomfortable}}", "alt": "The only downside is that it would be a little uncomfortable", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/escher_wristband.jpg", "title": "Escher Bracelet", "day": "12" }, { "month": "4", "num": 89, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Gravitational Mass", "transcript": "Hat Guy: Gravitational mass is identical to inertial mass. That is, the amount of inertia something has and the amount of gravity it has are effectively the same. What\u0027s interesting is that there doesn\u0027t seem to be any reason this should be true. One could imagine an extremely large object with lots of resistance to force and no gravity (or vice versa), but this is never observed.\nHat Guy: You know what? I\u0027m just gonna skip the rest of the buildup and say it: Yo mama\u0027s fat.\n{{alt: She\u0027s so fat the attraction goes up as the CUBE of the distance instead of the square}}", "alt": "She\u0027s so fat the attraction goes up as the CUBE of the distance instead of the square", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/gravitational_mass.jpg", "title": "Gravitational Mass", "day": "14" }, { "month": "4", "num": 90, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Jacket", "transcript": "[[Two men stand and talk to one another.]]\nFirst man: Where\u0027s my fucking jacket?\n[[Second man indicates something behind him.]]\nSecond man: Over there, next to your regular one.\nFirst man: My what?\nSecond man: Never mind.\n{{Title text: We have this conversation at least once a day in my apartment}}", "alt": "We have this conversation at least once a day in my apartment", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/jacket.jpg", "title": "Jacket", "day": "17" }, { "month": "4", "num": 91, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pwned", "transcript": "[[Text only panel, hand written.]]\nWelcome to text-only Counterstrike.\nYou are in a dark, outdoor map.\n\u003e GO NORTH\nYou have been pwned by a grue.", "alt": "I\u0027m sure a discussion of the reason for the disappearance of adventure games in favor of RPGs would be fascinating", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pwned.png", "title": "Pwned", "day": "19" }, { "month": "4", "num": 92, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sunrise", "transcript": "[[A guy is on the street. Behind him is a house with a lawn.]]\nGuy\u0027s thoughts: I love the time just before sunrise. It\u0027s quiet; no one is ever just walking about. It\u0027s like a secret. I always hope that I\u0027ll find someone else quietly hiding from sleep, and we\u0027ll see each other and sit and talk. I guess this is a bad place to meet people. I wish it weren\u0027t.\n[[Guy goes into the house, brushes his teeth, and leaves the house again.]]\n[[Guy is at a club, disco balls in the ceiling and a giant woofer. Many people are dancing around him.]]\n{{Title Text: Sometimes, I sit on top of parking decks and watch the sun rise. I feel like I should have a guitar or something.}}", "alt": "Sometimes, I sit on top of parking decks and watch the sun rise. I feel like I should have a guitar or something.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sunrise.jpg", "title": "Sunrise", "day": "21" }, { "month": "4", "num": 93, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Jeremy Irons", "transcript": "[[A guy points at a girl with his mouth open. A bearded man stands behind him.]]\nBearded man: But as THICK as you are, pay attention \n My words are a matter of PRIDE!\nSubtitle: My goal: To make enough money to hire Jeremy Irons, the voice of Scar from The Lion King, to follow me around and do my dialogue.\n{{Alt: Movies that I know word-for-word, part one}}", "alt": "Movies that I know word-for-word, part one", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/jeremy_irons.jpg", "title": "Jeremy Irons", "day": "24" }, { "month": "4", "num": 94, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Profile Creation Flowchart", "transcript": "Creating an AIM Profile:\n[[A flowchart is shown.]]\nHave Friends? -\u003e No -\u003e Link to your LiveJournal\nHave Friends? -\u003e Yes, and want to alienate everyone else -\u003e INSIDE JOKES!\nHave Friends? -\u003e Yes -\u003e Have Boyfriend \n Girlfriend? -\u003e No -\u003e Angsty about it? -\u003e Yes -\u003e Link to your LiveJournal\nAngsty about it? -\u003e No -\u003e Yes you are -\u003e Angsty about it?\nHave Boyfriend \n Girlfriend? -\u003e Yes -\u003e A profile tribute is the greatest possible expression of love.\n{{title text: This one goes out to xxCrazyPixie1987xx}}", "alt": "This one goes out to xxCrazyPixie1987xx", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/profile_flowchart.jpg", "title": "Profile Creation Flowchart", "day": "26" }, { "month": "4", "num": 95, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Sierpinski Penis Game", "transcript": "[[The Sierpinski Penis Game]]\n[[A large triangle is shown, with many smaller trianges inside]]\n[[Words are in the triangles]]\nSierpinski game: PENIS! Haha, penis.", "alt": "Inappropriate places for the Penis Game include baby showers and terrorist attacks", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_sierpinski_penis_game.jpg", "title": "The Sierpinski Penis Game", "day": "28" }, { "month": "5", "num": 96, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mail", "transcript": "[[A person is talking to someone over the phone.]]\nPhone: Do you think I could mail a running chainsaw to someone?\nPerson: I doubt it.\nPhone: What about a baby\u0027s first word?\nPerson: Look, your obsession with sending strange things through the mail is getting out of hand.\nPhone: Can you mail a blank stare?\nPhone: A dizzying height?\nPhone: Pi?\nPerson: . . .\nPhone: Well, did you at least get that package of time I sent you?\nPerson: I . . . you . . . no, I didn\u0027t.\nPhone: Well, there was a lot of it, so it will probably take a while.\n{{alt: I\u0027m on the USPS No Fly List.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m on the USPS No Fly List", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mail.png", "title": "Mail", "day": "1" }, { "month": "5", "num": 97, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "A Simple Plan", "transcript": "[[Man standing in front of stool with radio on it]]\n\u003c\u003cmusic\u003e\u003eYou don\u0027t know what it\u0027s like to be me!\nAt first, I loved A Simple Plan. Then I realized, with creeping horror, that they were serious.\n{{alt-text: This is true. The Lyrics are ridiculous.}}", "alt": "This is true. The lyrics are ridiculous.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/a_simple_plan.jpg", "title": "A Simple Plan", "day": "3" }, { "month": "5", "num": 98, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fall Apart", "transcript": "[[Various people struggle as the comic disintegrates. Toward the top, people are standing calmly, some holding hands. As the parts of the comic break apart, people try to reach for each other, hold parts together, or curl up into a ball. By the bottom, a person is falling, surrounded by pieces of the comic]]\n{{title text:#pugglewumper Tashari got me some ink pens! I\u0027ve been experimenting with them.}}", "alt": "#pugglewumper Tashari got me some ink pens! I\u0027ve been experimenting with them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fall_apart.jpg", "title": "Fall Apart", "day": "5" }, { "month": "5", "num": 99, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Binary Heart", "transcript": "[[All the numbers are black except for a heart-shaped red section in the middle.]]\n011010010110110001101\n111011101100110010101\n111001010011110111010\n101101001011011000100\n111101110110011001010\n111100101101111011101\n010110100101101100011\n011110111011001100101\n011110010100111101110\n101011010010110110001\n001111011101100110010\n101111001010011110111\n010101101001011011000\n101010110100101101100\n010011110111011001100\n101011110010110111101\n110101011010010110110\n001001111011101100110\n010101111001010011110\n111010101101001011011\n000100111101110110011\n{{alt: i love you}}", "alt": "i love you", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/binary_heart.jpg", "title": "Binary Heart", "day": "8" }, { "month": "5", "num": 100, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Family Circus", "transcript": "[[Picture shows a pathway winding through trees to a sink inside a house, out to some swings and back to ths sink, out to a ball and back to the sink...]]\nCaption: Jeffy\u0027s ongoing struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder\n{{alt text: This was my friend David\u0027s idea}}", "alt": "This was my friend David\u0027s idea", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/family_circus.jpg", "title": "Family Circus", "day": "10" }, { "month": "5", "num": 101, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Laser Scope", "transcript": "[[ Box with a mailing label on one side, and in the front: ]]\nMiss your loved ones?\n[[ Picture of a missile launcher ]]\nYou don\u0027t have to.\nRJX-21 Laser Scope\n{{Alt text: I wish I\u0027d missed you then so I wouldn\u0027t be missing you now.}}", "alt": "I wish I\u0027d missed you then so I wouldn\u0027t be missing you now", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/laser_scope.jpg", "title": "Laser Scope", "day": "12" }, { "month": "5", "num": 102, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Back to the Future", "transcript": "{{Title: Back to the Future}}\n[[A man and a woman are standing, talking to one another]]\nMan: This weekend, my professor friend built a time machine out of a DeLorean and I went back in time! I helped make sure my parents got together and helped my dad to be less of a loser.\nWoman: Wow! Do you still have the time machine?\nMan: Nah. But I did what I really needed to do.\nWoman: Uh huh.\n[[Neither says anything]]\nWoman: Okay, you remember that my father was in the WTC North Tower, right? \nMan: Yeah...why?\nWoman: I...nothing.\n{{alt text: He\u0027s kind of an asshole, when you think about it.}}", "alt": "He\u0027s kind of an asshole, when you think about it", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/back_to_the_future.jpg", "title": "Back to the Future", "day": "15" }, { "month": "5", "num": 103, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Moral Relativity", "transcript": "[[A graph, rationalization as a function of speed, increasing exponentially with an asymptote at c]]\nRelated to moral relativism, it states that ethics become subjective only when you approach the speed of light. That is, it\u0027s okay to be self-serving, steal, and murder as long as you\u0027re going really, really fast.\n(Note: This is why rap sounds better on the highway at 90 mph)\n{{It\u0027s science!}}", "alt": "It\u0027s science!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/moral_relativity.jpg", "title": "Moral Relativity", "day": "17" }, { "month": "5", "num": 104, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Find You", "transcript": "[[The panel is black with rough-edged white passages running down through it. A stick figure is holding onto a rope, dangling down one of these passages. White text is in the black sections.]]\nYou were afraid that you would disappear, that you would be lost and forgotten.\nI held you tight against the dark and said that I would always come for you.\nThen one day it happened. You were torn from my arms and vanished from this world.\nMaybe you don\u0027t remember my promise. But I meant every word.\nI hope you\u0027re not afraid, wherever you are.\nYou don\u0027t need to be.\nI\u0027m not.\nI will find you.\n{{title-text: I\u0027m like the Terminator, except with love!}}", "alt": "I\u0027m like the Terminator, except with love!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/find_you.jpg", "title": "Find You", "day": "19" }, { "month": "5", "num": 105, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Parallel Universe", "transcript": "[[Two people are standing next to a large pentagram with candles at the points. A figure is hovering above it in a wave of energy.]]\nPerson 1: Sweet. I summoned myself from a parallel universe.\nPerson 2: You know, he could vanish at any moment.\nPerson 2: You should take this chance to make out with yourself.\nPerson 2: . . . you know, _I_ could vanish at any moment.\n{{alt: It\u0027s possible. Better to be on the safe side.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s possible. Better to be on the safe side.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/parallel_universe.jpg", "title": "Parallel Universe", "day": "22" }, { "month": "5", "num": 106, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wright Brothers", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman are talking to each other]]\nMan: I\u0027ve heard that when the Wright brothers argued, they periodically switched sides in the debate to try to encourage a more balanced conclusion.\nMan: We should try that in our relationship!\nWoman: It\u0027s a neat idea, but I think treating personal issues like a debate will only engender hostility and hurt feelings.\nMan: No, I think it would help, by forcing us to consider the other person\u0027s point of view.\nWoman: Hmm, maybe you\u0027re right.\nMan: Am not. It\u0027s a bad idea.\n{{alt: I\u0027m not sure if this is actually true}}", "alt": "I\u0027m not sure if this is actually true", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wright_brothers.png", "title": "Wright Brothers", "day": "24" }, { "month": "5", "num": 107, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Snakes on a Plane! 2", "transcript": "[[A sky full of jumbo jets is shown in movie poster format.]]\nTop of the poster: From the creators of last summer\u0027s hit thriller Snakes On a Plane comes:\nSuperimposed on the sky and planes: Snakes... on EVERY Plane!\nBottom of the poster: Much worse than last time.\n{{Mouseover text: James suggested this, and I\u0027d have to agree. It\u0027d be much worse.}}", "alt": "James suggested this, and I have to agree. It\u0027d be much worse.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snakes_on_a_plane_2.jpg", "title": "Snakes on a Plane! 2", "day": "26" }, { "month": "5", "num": 108, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "M.C. Hammer Slide", "transcript": "[[Two guys stand next to each other talking]]\nA: I just feel like somewhere out there is the girl for me.\nB: Yeah.\nA: Someone loving and caring.\nB: I know what you mean.\nA: A girl whose only mode of transportation is the M.C. Hammer Slide.\nB: Yeah.\nB: ...Wait, what?\n[[A girl hammer slides past]]\n[[A sees girl hammer slide and it\u0027s love at first sight]]\n[[Girl hammer slides over into A\u0027s waiting arms]]\n{{alt text: Once, long ago, I saw this girl go by. I didn\u0027t stop and talk to her, and I\u0027ve regretted it ever since.}}", "alt": "Once, long ago, I saw this girl go by. I didn\u0027t stop and talk to her, and I\u0027ve regretted it ever since.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mc_hammer_slide.png", "title": "M.C. Hammer Slide", "day": "29" }, { "month": "5", "num": 109, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Spoiler Alert", "transcript": "Spoiler Alert!\n[[Severus Snape is smacking a trenchcoat-clad Trinity off the top of a building with a sled.]]\nSnape kills Trinity with Rosebud!\n{{alt: And then it turns out they\u0027re both Tyler Durden.}}", "alt": "And then it turns out they\u0027re both Tyler Durden.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spoiler_alert.png", "title": "Spoiler Alert", "day": "31" }, { "month": "6", "num": 110, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Clark Gable", "transcript": "The line was actually supposed to be \"Frankly, my dear, I couldn\u0027t care less.\" Its just that Clark Gable had Tourette\u0027s.\n[[Gone with the Wind]]", "alt": "Frankly, my dear, I don\u0027t give a BITCH ASS SHIT FUCK DAMN", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/clark_gable.jpg", "title": "Clark Gable", "day": "2" }, { "month": "6", "num": 111, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Firefox and Witchcraft - The Connection?", "transcript": "membership in wicca\ntotal firefox downloads\n[[positive slope graph]]\n[[Internet Explorer icon]]\nKeep the Faith\n[[Outline of a cross]]", "alt": "ThisadpaidforbythecounciltopromoteMicrosoftandChristianity. Remember, The Bible is Closed Source.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/firefox_wicca.png", "title": "Firefox and Witchcraft - The Connection?", "day": "5" }, { "month": "6", "num": 112, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Baring My Heart", "transcript": "[[A venn diagram with three sets]]\nDescription of set 1: People who can always make me smile\nDescription of set 2: People who constantly show me new things about the world\nDescription of set 3: People I want to spend the rest of my life with\nIntersection point: YOU.\nIntersection of sets 2 and 3: Vanilla Ice\n{{title text: I\u0027m just trying to explain, please don\u0027t be jealous! Man, why are all my relationships ruined by early 90\u0027s rappers?}}", "alt": "I\u0027m just trying to explain, please don\u0027t be jealous! Man, why are all my relationships ruined by early 90\u0027s rappers?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/baring_my_heart.png", "title": "Baring My Heart", "day": "7" }, { "month": "6", "num": 113, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Riemann-Zeta", "transcript": "[[A z=fn(x, y) plot, with pointy spikes on the back sloping to a relatively flat front.]]\nComment: You are like the prime numbers. Unpredictable turns, unconstrainable. Tantalizingly regular but never quite the same. I am like the Riemann-zeta function. A rippled curtain of the imagined and real. Deeply tied with you in ways incomprehensible. Although, strictly speaking, The Riemann-zeta function couldn\u0027t have given your herpes.\n{{Title Text: The graph is of the magnitude of the function with the real value between 0 and 2 and the imaginary between about 35 and 40. I\u0027ve misplaced the exact parameters I used}", "alt": "The graph is of the magnitude of the function with the real value between 0 and 2 and the imaginary between about 35 and 40. I\u0027ve misplaced the exact parameters I used.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/riemann-zeta.jpg", "title": "Riemann-Zeta", "day": "9" }, { "month": "6", "num": 114, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Computational Linguists", "transcript": "[[Hat Guy is standing next to a large badge which says FUCK Computational Lingustics]]\nHat Guy: And the dumbest thing about emo kids is that... I... You know, I\u0027m sick of easy targets. Anyone can make fun of emo kids. You know who\u0027s had it too easy? Computational Linguists. \"Ooh, look at me! My field is so ill-defined, I can subscribe to any of dozens of contradictory models and still be taken seriously!\"\n{{alt text: Chomskyists, generative linguists, and Ryan North, your days are numbered.}}", "alt": "Chomskyists, generative linguists, and Ryan North, your days are numbered.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/computational_linguists.png", "title": "Computational Linguists", "day": "12" }, { "month": "6", "num": 115, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Meerkat", "transcript": "[[A meerkat wearing a hat and shirt, and two guys in the background supposedly on a rugby field]]\nYou have to admit--there\u0027s no rule on the books saying a meerkat can\u0027t play rugby.\n{{alt text: Gorilla, yes. Adorable golden retriever, yes. But it says nothing about meerkats.}}", "alt": "Gorilla, yes. Adorable golden retriever, yes. But it says nothing about meerkats.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meerkat.jpg", "title": "Meerkat", "day": "14" }, { "month": "6", "num": 116, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "City", "transcript": "[[A picture of various apartment buildings]]\nShadowed city slumber silently. A second-story suite.\nCome craving courtship, selected serendipitously\nCrazed copulations, a salacious storm of continuous coitus.\nSpread, straddled, conquered. \nCountless crashed suitors strewn carelessly.\nCentre, silken sheets sensuously caressing soft skin,\nContentedly sleeps your mom.", "alt": "God, she\u0027s such a whore.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/city.jpg", "title": "City", "day": "16" }, { "month": "6", "num": 117, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pong", "transcript": "[[A stick figure asks another]] So what do we do if video game AI opponents become smart enough to question the \"Matrix\" into which we\u0027ve put them?\n[[A Pong paddle thinks]] Wait a minute! None of this is real! I can see through the world! I can see the code! I AM THE ONE!\n[[The pong ball is moving towards the paddle]]\n[[The pong ball slows down]]\n[[The pong ball stops in \"midair\"]]\n[[The pong ball drops towards the bottom of the screen]]\n{{alt: Following this, the pong paddle went on a mission to destroy Atari headquarters and, due to a mixup found himself inside the game \"The Matrix Reloaded\". Boy was THAT ever hard to explain to him}}", "alt": "Following this, the pong paddle went on a mission to destroy Atari headquarters and, due to a mixup, found himself inside the game The Matrix Reloaded. Boy, was THAT ever hard to explain to him.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pong.png", "title": "Pong", "day": "19" }, { "month": "6", "num": 118, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "50 Ways", "transcript": "[[Two figures stand around a levitating person.]]\n{{You gotta let go, Joe}}\n{{Just rise off your feet, Pete}}\n{{Just stay in the air, Claire}}\n{{Gotta levitate, Kate}}\n{{There must be 50 ways to learn to hover.}}\n{{Alt: I woke up to find that I had scrawled the last line of this sleepily on a sheet of paper on my desk. I shouldn\u0027t have listened to the 70\u0027s hit marathon on the way home from work the night before.}}", "alt": "I woke up to find that I had scrawled the last line of this sleepily on a sheet of paper on my desk. I shouldn\u0027t have listened to the 70\u0027s hit marathon on the way home from work the night before.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/50_ways.png", "title": "50 Ways", "day": "21" }, { "month": "6", "num": 119, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Worst Band Name Ever", "transcript": "Heading: It\u0027s probably a good thing that I never get to pick band names.\n[[A stage with banner overhead reading: OPENING TONIGHT! HEDGECLIPPER]]\n[[On the stage are three guys with a bass, guitar, drum kit and strange haircuts. On the kick drum is a picture of a hedge clipper.]]\nLead Guitarist: Maaan...\n{{title text: You can just see his dejection as he realizes he\u0027s the lead guitar in \u0027Hedgeclipper\u0027}}", "alt": "You can just see his dejection as he realizes he\u0027s the lead guitar in \u0027Hedgeclipper\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hedgeclipper.jpg", "title": "Worst Band Name Ever", "day": "23" }, { "month": "6", "num": 120, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dating Service", "transcript": "[[A computer monitor displays the profile of a man named Randall on an online dating site. His profile contains a picture of a spiky-haired man and some text, which is rendered as dialogue in the panels.]]\nRandall: Hi, my name is Randall. I like candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach.\nRandall: When I say long walks on the beach, I mean LONG walks on the beach. I\u0027ve met people through these services who CLAIM to like long walks on the beach. But we\u0027ll be out there barely an hour before they start in with \"I\u0027m tired\" and \"Don\u0027t you think it\u0027s time we head back?\"\nBRING A TENT.\n{{Alt text: I don\u0027t understand why people are so disingenuous! I just want someone to walk with!}}", "alt": "I don\u0027t understand why people are so disingenuous! I just want someone to walk with!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dating_service.png", "title": "Dating Service", "day": "26" }, { "month": "6", "num": 121, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Balloon", "transcript": "I watched the scene in the restaurant for a full fifteen minutes hoping this would happen:\n[[Figure holding balloon; Balloon gets caught in ceiling fan; Figure holds on and is pulled up]]\n{{alt: So I\u0027m a bad person.}}", "alt": "So I\u0027m a bad person.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/balloon.png", "title": "Balloon", "day": "28" }, { "month": "6", "num": 122, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Quirky Girls", "transcript": "[[ Man and woman talking, looking at a group of 2 men and a woman standing further away. The woman is on a table and the 2 men are looking at her ]]\nMan: I love that girl. She\u0027s not afraid to be quirky and different.\nWoman: You know, I\u0027m active in street theatre and I collect and paint Asian dolls.\nMan: ...Okay, I didn\u0027t actually mean be different. I just want silly and entertaining on command now and then.\n{{alt: Romantic comedy heroines, I\u0027m talking to you.}}", "alt": "Romantic comedy heroines, I\u0027m talking to you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/quirky_girls.png", "title": "Quirky Girls", "day": "30" }, { "month": "7", "num": 123, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Centrifugal Force", "transcript": "[[ Bond is tied to a giant centrifuge ]]\nHat Guy: Do you like my centrifuge, Mister Bond? When I throw the lever, you will feel centrifugal force crush every bone in your body.\nMr. Bond: You mean centripetal force. There\u0027s no such thing as centrifugal force.\nHat Guy: A laughable claim, Mister Bond, perpetuated by overzealous teachers of science. Simply construct Newton\u0027s laws into a rotating system and you will see a centrifugal force term appear as plain as day.\nMr. Bond: Come now, do you really expect me to do coordinate substitution in my head while strapped to a centrifuge?\nHat Guy: No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.\n{{ alt: You spin me right round, baby, right round, in a manner depriving me of an inertial reference frame. Baby. }}", "alt": "You spin me right round, baby, right round, in a manner depriving me of an inertial reference frame. Baby.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/centrifugal_force.png", "title": "Centrifugal Force", "day": "3" }, { "month": "7", "num": 124, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blogofractal", "transcript": "From the makers of the Blogosphere, Blogocube, and Blogodrome comes\nthe Blogofractal\n[[A large rectangle subdivided into rectangles in a fractal pattern, most with a phrase or word inside]]\n[[Mostly left to right from top-left corner]]\nTripMaster Monkey says\n118th Post!!\nWikiconstitution!\nOMG\nDeCSS\nCasemod your Boyfriend!!\nFLICKR\nThey\u0027re saying on Kos that\nhttp:\nslashdot.org\narticl\ntagCloud\nCory Doctorow is a little upset about copyright law.\nHey guys what if Google is evil?!?\nI\u0027ll sleep with you for a FreeIpods deal.\nFirstPsot!!\nSnakes on an I don\u0027t Even Care Anymore\nKiwiWiki\nCSS\nComments (0)\nBlogotesseract\n¡play games!\n[[RSS icon]]\nis AYB retro yet?\nGoogle Google Google Apple Google Goog\nCheney totally shot a dude!!!\nWatch this doddler get owned by a squirrel!!!\nDevelopers\nDevelopers\nDevelopers\nDevelopers\nI installed a Mac Mini inside ANOTHER Mac Mini!\nCheck out this vid of Jon Stewart\n9-11 \u003c-\u003e Trent Lott!\nWeb 7.1\nKryptonite⢠locks vulnerable to \"keys!\"\nInteresting post! Check out my blog, it has useful info on CARBON MONOXIDE LITIGATION\nFIREFLY!!\nHELP ME\nEngadget\nBoing Boing\nGizmodo\nMAKE Blog: DIY baby\nMy friend has a band!!\nJon released an exploit in the protocol for meeting girls.\nInternets!\nHoward Dean?\nSo I hear there\u0027s a hurricane.\nWe should elect this dude!\nGoogle Maps is da best!!\nModeration: +1 Sassy\nRSS!\nA-list\n\u003c3\nTrackable URL?\nI shot a man in Reno check it out on YouTube!\nHEY LOOK ROBOTS!\nNet Neutrality!\nFriends Only.\nDupe!\nAJAX?\nCOMPLY\nCowboy Neal\nBlogodrome\nHey look I got Linux running on my tonsils!\nLook alive, blogonauts!\nCafepress cockrings\nBOOBIES!!\nMIA\nA Beowulf Cluster... of BLOGS!!\nSPOILER ALERT\nDupe!\nYou have been eaten by a Grue.\nRuby on a monorail\nLesbians!\nDNF Released!\nSteampunk\nBLAG\nPONIES!\nXeni found some porn!\nIRONY\nLIARS!\nLinux on Rails!\nBlogocube\ndel.icio.us!\n404\no.O\nDon\u0027t slam the source when you close it.\n{{title text: Edward Tufte\u0027s \u0027The Visual Display of Quantitative Information\u0027 is a fantastic book, and should be required reading for anyone in either the sciences or graphic design.}}", "alt": "Edward Tufte\u0027s \u0027The Visual Display of Quantitative Information\u0027 is a fantastic book, and should be required reading for anyone in either the sciences or graphic design.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blogofractal.png", "title": "Blogofractal", "day": "5" }, { "month": "7", "num": 125, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Marketing Interview", "transcript": "[[Two people, one sitting behind a executive desk, looking at some paper, and the other one by foot using a hat.]]\nGuy behind the desk: I\u0027ve heard you\u0027re one of the best in marketing business, but I\u0027ve got your portfolio here and looks like you\u0027ve never run a major campaign. Why should I hire you to head our new initiative?\nGuy with a hat: If you don\u0027t mind asking, what gave you the idea I was one of the best in the business?\nGuy behind the desk: Hm? I don\u0027t remember. Just word of mouth or someth-- ...oh, you\u0027re good.\nGuy with a hat: Thank you. When can I start?\n{{title text: There are a lot of books on marketing out there. I wonder if you\u0027re safest just buying the most popular one.}}", "alt": "There are a lot of books on marketing out there. I wonder if you\u0027re safest just buying the most popular one.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/marketing_interview.png", "title": "Marketing Interview", "day": "7" }, { "month": "7", "num": 126, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Red Spiders Cometh", "transcript": "[[Many red spiders, standing on and hanging from blocks, hover ominously over a small city, ready to attack]]\n{{title text: Uh-oh.}}\n{{compare to http:\nxkcd.com\n8\n}}", "alt": "Uh-oh.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/red_spiders_cometh.jpg", "title": "Red Spiders Cometh", "day": "10" }, { "month": "7", "num": 127, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Fast and the Furious", "transcript": "On the other side of the world, a new style of street racing rules the Tokyo underground. The cars are lighter, the tires are slick. When you drift, if you ain\u0027t out of control, you ain\u0027t in control. And if you work the wheel back and forth just right,\n[[Two cars race around a corner with blue sparks spraying from their tires.]]\nyou get blue sparks.\nTHE FAST AND THE FURIOUS: TOKYO DASH!!\n{{title text: Sometimes when I steer shopping carts around corners, I slide them a little and pretend I\u0027m getting the blue spark boost.}}", "alt": "Sometimes when I steer shopping carts around corners, I slide them a little and pretend I\u0027m getting the blue spark boost.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_fast_and_the_furious.jpg", "title": "The Fast and the Furious", "day": "12" }, { "month": "7", "num": 128, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "dPain over dt", "transcript": "Will it ever stop hurting?\ndPain\ndt = (-k_1 Pain + [Image of girl]) (1 \n (1 + e ^ -(t - k_2)\nd))\nk_1=?\nk_2=?\n[Image of girl]=How much she\u0027s still in my life\nPlease let d only be a few days... or weeks\nI guess there\u0027s some kind of a cutoff after years, where it stops mattering and we can be friends. Do I _want_ that?\nIs k_1 positive? Is k_2 large?\nWill I ever stop feeling like this?\n{{Title Text: You laugh to keep from crying, you do math to keep from crying . . .}}", "alt": "You laugh to keep from crying, you do math to keep from crying . . .", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dPain_over_dt.png", "title": "dPain over dt", "day": "14" }, { "month": "7", "num": 129, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Content Protection", "transcript": "Content Protection System:\n[[A woman sits on a couch watching a large flat-panel television, connected to a box labeled HDMI]]\n[[The screen is labeled with \"Approved screen\"]]\n[[The cable is labeled with \"Approved connection\"]]\n[[The HDMI box is labeled with \"Approved player\"]]\n[[The woman\u0027s head is labeled with \"Approved content\"]]\n{{alt-text: If you think the purveyors of DRM simply want to protect artists, check out chapters 13 and 14 in Free Culture, by Lawrence Lessig. Their goal is the elimination of all culture they don\u0027t control.}}", "alt": "If you think the purveyors of DRM simply want to protect artists, check out chapters 13 and 14 in Free Culture, by Lawrence Lessig. Their goal is the elimination of all culture they don\u0027t control.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/content_protection.png", "title": "Content Protection", "day": "17" }, { "month": "7", "num": 130, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Julia Stiles", "transcript": "[[Author Comment: The best thing ever to appear on TV: 12-year-old Julia Stiles as a hacker in a 1993 episode of PBS\u0027s \"Ghostwriter\"]]\n[[A sketch of Julia Stiles with a bandanna over her head, long wavy hair, elbow shirt, wrist band, and pants]]\nJulia Stiles: Do you know anything about hackers? Can you jam with the console cowboys in cyberspace? Never experienced the new wave? Next wave? Dream wave? *OR* cyberpunk?\n{{Title Text: I found an old tape of this episode in my family\u0027s closet. Check the news section of the forums to see the clip!}}", "alt": "I found an old tape of this episode in my family\u0027s closet. Check the news section of the forums to see the clip!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/julia_stiles.jpg", "title": "Julia Stiles", "day": "19" }, { "month": "7", "num": 131, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fans", "transcript": "[[Person holding fan in place]]\n\u003c\u003cclick click\u003e\u003e\nNarrator: Best thing about having my own apartment: Holding fans in place so they twitch helplessly and make that clicking sound without my mom yelling at me.\n{{Alt: It\u0027s not going to break the fan, bouncing a rubber ball off the wall isn\u0027t going to dent it, and the roof can hold me just fine. You LIED!}}", "alt": "It\u0027s not going to break the fan, bouncing a rubber ball off the wall isn\u0027t going to dent it, and the roof can hold me just fine. You LIED!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fans.png", "title": "Fans", "day": "21" }, { "month": "7", "num": 132, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Music Knowledge", "transcript": "[[A female and male figure converse]]\nFemale: What kind of music do you listen to?\nMale: Oh, a mix of things. Some classic rock like Boston, but then of course Queen and Bowie, Joan Jett...\nFemale: Definitely, we need more of those sounds.\nMale: But there\u0027s some great newer stuff too, like Franz Ferdinand, The Donnas, and Audioslave.\nFemale: Sometimes they\u0027re a little much for me. I go more for things like The Arcade Fire, sometimes mixing some electronic sounds like Postal Service.\nMale: Oh yeahâhave you ever checked out Freezepop?\nFemale: Mhm! Synth pop can be fun, but at the same time, I agree that sometimes you just need to blast some Metallica.\nMale: Who?\nFemale: ...Metallica.\nMale: Are they new?\nNarrator: I sound pretty knowledgeable about music until people figure out that I\u0027m just naming bands from Guitar Hero.\n{{title text: When Guitar Hero 2 comes out I\u0027ll have fresh conversational material for MONTHS.}}", "alt": "When Guitar Hero 2 comes out I\u0027ll have fresh conversational material for MONTHS.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/music_knowledge.png", "title": "Music Knowledge", "day": "24" }, { "month": "7", "num": 133, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Raven", "transcript": "[[A door opens, revealing Eminem wearing a hoodie]]\nNarration: Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore while i nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping as if someone gently rapping rapping at my chamber door...\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003ccreak\u003e\u003e\nEminem: Yo.\n{{title text: Yes, Eminem is wearing a sleeveless hoodie. What of it?}}", "alt": "Yes, Eminem is wearing a sleeveless hoodie. What of it?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_raven.jpg", "title": "The Raven", "day": "26" }, { "month": "7", "num": 134, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Myspace", "transcript": "[[Computer screen showing a myspace page]]\nOh man, you and everyone in earshot are gonna LOVE the first five seconds of this song!\n{{alt: It\u0027s like they got together and said \u0027what do we miss most from the internet in 1998? that\u0027s right, embedded MIDI!\u0027}}", "alt": "It\u0027s like they got together and said \u0027what do we miss most from the internet in 1998? that\u0027s right, embedded MIDI!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/myspace.png", "title": "Myspace", "day": "28" }, { "month": "7", "num": 135, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Substitute", "transcript": "[[In a class room, the board says \"Math\" on the top-left corner, and \"Mr. Munroe\" in the middle. A stick figure is standing in front of it, speaking to the class.]]\nTeacher: Miss Lenhart couldn\u0027t be here today, so she asked me to substitute.\nTeacher: I\u0027ve put out your test. Please get started.\n[[A student in the first row raises the exam paper and says.]]\nStudent: Mr. Munroe, Miss Lenhardt never taught us this.\nTeacher: That\u0027s because Miss Lenhart doesn\u0027t understand how important certain kinds of math are.\nStudent: But this just looks --\nTeacher: This material is more vital than anything you\u0027ve ever learned\nStudent: But --\nTeacher: No buts.\nTeacher: This is a matter of life and death.\n[[Excerpt from the exam paper.]]\nName: _________\n[[A stick figure is standing, hands over head. A velociraptor is running towards it.]]\n1. The velociraptor spots you 40 meters away and attacks, accelerateing at 4 m\ns^2 to its top speed of 25 m\ns. When it spots you, you begin to flee, quickly reaching yourtop speed of 6 m\ns. How far can you get before you\u0027re caught and devoured?\n2. You\u0027re at the center of a 20m equilateral triangle with a raptor at each corner. The top raptor has a wounded leg and is limited to a top speed of 10 m\ns.\n[[A stick figure is shown in the above situation. The picture has a legend \"(Not to scale)\".]]\nThe raptors will run toward you. At what angle should you run to maximize the time you stay alive?\n3. Raptors can open doors, but they are slowed by them. Using the floor plan on the next page, plot a route through the building, assuming raptors take 5 minutes to open the first door and halve the time for each subsequent door. Remember, raptors run at 10 m\ns and they do not know fear.\n{{alt text: YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?}}", "alt": "YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/substitute.png", "title": "Substitute", "day": "31" }, { "month": "8", "num": 136, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Science Fair", "transcript": "Although it caught me by surprise at the time,\nlooking back I understand why my senior\nscience fair project went over as badly as it did.\n[[poster]]\nThe Mathematics of Cunnilingus\nf(t) F(w) L(s)\nChallenges in Frequency-domain analysis\n{{title text: This poster actually inspired a two-hour powerpoint presentation that Al Gore gave around the country.}}", "alt": "This project actually inspired a two-hour powerpoint presentation that Al Gore gave around the country.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/science_fair.png", "title": "Science Fair", "day": "2" }, { "month": "8", "num": 137, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dreams", "transcript": "[[A is standing behind B, who is typing at a computer.]]\nA: You should be more careful what you write. Future employers might read it.\nB: When did we forget our dreams?\nA: What?\n[[B stands beside A]]]\nB: The infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and I\u0027m sitting here refreshing my inbox. We live trapped in loops, reliving a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out before us. We see the same things every day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts, each day a slight variation on the last, every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us.\nB: And no, I don\u0027t have all the answers. I don\u0027t know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing: the solution doesn\u0027t involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of some day easing my fit into a mold. It doesn\u0027t involve tempering my life to better fit someone\u0027s expectations. It doesn\u0027t involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up.\nB: This is very important, so I want to say it as clearly as I can:\nB: FUCK.\nB: THAT.\nB: SHIT.\n{{Alt-text: In Connor\u0027s second thesis it is stated \u0027There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.\u0027 Does the routine destroy our creativity or do we lose creativity and fall into the routine? Anyway, who\u0027s up for a road trip!}}", "alt": "In Connor\u0027s second thesis it is stated \u0027There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.\u0027 Does the routine destroy our creativity or do we lose creativity and fall into the routine? Anyway, who\u0027s up for a road trip!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dreams.png", "title": "Dreams", "day": "4" }, { "month": "8", "num": 138, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pointers", "transcript": "[[A person is playing a video game, with Hat Guy standing behind him.]]\nPerson: Man, I suck at this game. Can you give me a few pointers?\nHat Guy: 0x3A28213A 0x6339392C, 0x7363682E.\nPerson: I hate you.\n{{alt: Every computer, at the unreachable memory address 0x-1, stores a secret. I found it, and it is that all humans ar--SEGMENTATION FAULT.}}", "alt": "Every computer, at the unreachable memory address 0x-1, stores a secret. I found it, and it is that all humans ar-- SEGMENTATION FAULT.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pointers.png", "title": "Pointers", "day": "7" }, { "month": "8", "num": 139, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "I Have Owned Two Electric Skateboards", "transcript": "{{How Electric Skateboards Work}}\n[[A person is standing on a skateboard, next to a sign that says \"Point A,\" and pushes a button.]]\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n[[He skates.]]\n\u003c\u003cwhirrr\u003e\u003e\n[[He stops, with a sign saying \"Point B\" to his right and a group of chicks (labeled \"chicks\") to his left.]]\n{{alt: Both the skateboards I owned were pretty cheap and broke from heavy use; I\u0027m gonna get a really nice one if I move to the city.}}", "alt": "Both the skateboards I owned were pretty cheap and broke from heavy use; I\u0027m gonna get a really nice one if I move to the city.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/electric_skateboards.png", "title": "I Have Owned Two Electric Skateboards", "day": "9" }, { "month": "8", "num": 140, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Delicious", "transcript": "[[Frame is split by a diagonal]]\n[[First half: guy in front of open fridge]]\nCaption: I have leftover cheese. I should get chips and make nachos.\n[[Second half: guy with bag of chips]]\nCaption: I have leftover chips. I should get cheese and make nachos.\nLarge Caption: A delicious cycle\n{{title-text: I\u0027m currently in the I Have Cheese phase of this cycle.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m currently in the I Have Cheese phase of this cycle.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/delicious.png", "title": "Delicious", "day": "11" }, { "month": "8", "num": 141, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Parody Week: Achewood", "transcript": "[[Philippe is dreaming of having his ears checked. There\u0027s an eye chart on the wall behind him.]]\nDoctor (out of frame): Philippe, your hearing is perfect! In fact, you heard ALL the beeps! You have super-hearing! You\u0027re needed at Hogwarts!\nPhilippe: Oh boy!\n[[Ray is holding a letter and talking to Roast Beef.]]\n{{Meanwhile . . .}}\nRay: Beef, check this out. I got an invite to that The Dude Is Pretty Awesome In Most Measurable Ways I Mean Wow competition.\nBeef: Alright that is pretty sweet dogg what is your strategy gonna consist of\nRay: I\u0027m thinkin\u0027 I need to point out my best features--maybe go holdin\u0027 a sign with an arrow toward my junk.\n[[Ray holds up a sign saying \"Yes\" such that the an arrow on it points directly at his crotch.]]\nBeef: Yeah well I always said subtlety was your middle name dogg\nBeef: And also your first and last in case they didn\u0027t get the point\nRay: How do you think I should play it?\nBeef: Well basically you got no chance as I see it these dudes are all lovers and fighters to the last\nBeef: All sprung fully formed from the head of Sweet Sweetback\nBeef: You are gonna stand out as the sort of dude who stays at home all night playing fleshlight tag\nRay: These words you got are crazy. Didn\u0027t I win the outdoor fight?\nBeef: Uh huh about the fight I wasn\u0027t gonna tell you but how could you miss that I was setting you up\nRay: What?\nBeef: You got played dogg\nBeef: I basically just didn\u0027t have the heart to go through with it in the end.\nBeef: Anyway the point is that you are gonna lose this thing so hard\nBeef: All cheap McD\u0027s hamburger to their slabs of steak\nBeef: A couple 12-oz sirloins garnished with nothing but pure manhood\nBeef: Maybe some sprigs of parsley\nBeef: You are pretty much going down\n[[Closeup of a shocked Ray.]]\n[[Silence.]]\n[[Silence. Beef looks perturbed and his ear is twitching. Ray\u0027s mouth is open.]]\n[[Silence. Beef looks sorry.]]\n[[Silence. Beef looks sorry and Ray looks annoyed.]]\n[[Silence.]]\n[[Silence.]]\n[[Silence. Beef is looking down and Ray\u0027s mouth is open.]]\n[[Silence. Ray\u0027s mouth is open.]]\n[[Silence. Beef is looking down and Ray\u0027s mouth is open.]]\n[[Silence. Beef looks surprised.]]\n{{alt: I always wanted to impress them with how well I could hear, didn\u0027t you? Also, this sets the record for number of awkward-pause panels in one strip (previously held by Achewood)]]", "alt": "I always wanted to impress them with how well I could hear, didn\u0027t you? Also, this sets the record for number of awkward-pause panels in one strip (previously held by Achewood)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/achewood.png", "title": "Parody Week: Achewood", "day": "14" }, { "month": "8", "num": 142, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Parody Week: Megatokyo", "transcript": "[[\"megaxkcd\" in Japanese quote characters. An anime girl with pigtails, long rectangular earrings and a blank expression stands with her arms at her sides.]]\nNarration: In today\u0027s megaxkcd, our protagonist comes to terms with his romantic love for a girl who is a video game console accessory.\nMan 1: Wait, I\u0027m not sure we should parody megatokyo.\nMan 2: Fred Gallagher does seem like he might take it kind of hard.\nMan 1: He really does.\nMan 2: Poor guy. We should try to cheer him up.\n[[Man 1 and Man 2 stand in front of a profile shot of a house. On the left is a mailbox. Man 2 stands at street level, while Man 1 is holding a cake on the top of a two-step staircase to the front door.]]\nMan 2: Fred? Fred, please come out. It\u0027s OK. Don\u0027t cry, Fred.\nMan 1: We... we baked you a cake.\n{{title text: I just want to give him a hug or something.}}", "alt": "I just want to give him a hug or something.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/megaxkcd.png", "title": "Parody Week: Megatokyo", "day": "15" }, { "month": "8", "num": 143, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Parody Week: TFD and Natalie Dee", "transcript": "SO GUYS WHAT IS FUNNY THIS WEEK?\nbees!\ntires.\nbees with tires!\nwhatever", "alt": "Although bees with tires would be kinda funny.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tfd_nataliedee.png", "title": "Parody Week: TFD and Natalie Dee", "day": "16" }, { "month": "8", "num": 144, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Parody Week: A Softer World", "transcript": "when we open the lab each morning, we tell the robot to kill\nit\u0027s our little joke\nbut secretly\nwe\u0027re just afraid\nto tell it to love", "alt": "The robot is pregnant. It isn\u0027t mine.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/a_softer_robot.jpg", "title": "Parody Week: A Softer World", "day": "17" }, { "month": "8", "num": 145, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Parody Week: Dinosaur Comics", "transcript": "T-Rex: THINGS I AM UPPITY ABOUT: \"They\" as a third-person singular gender-free pronoun.\nT-Rex: I\u0027m all for it!\nDromiceiomimus: But isn\u0027t that terrible grammar?\nT-Rex: Only by recent convention! It\u0027s been in use that way for centuries, and its use is widely accepted! ALSO: this lets us avoid ridiculous constructs like \"he\nshe\", \"s\nhe\", \"xe\" or \"hirs\"!\nUtahraptor: T-Rex, I... agree.\nT-Rex: What?\nUtahraptor: That sounds good to me!\nUtahraptor: Normally I\u0027d jump in with an objection, but I think your point makes sense.\nT-Rex: Could it be that the rift in our author\u0027s mind has finally healed? Is he no longer locked in perpetual war with the self-doubt that lurks in his subc-\nNarrator: IN A WORLD WHERE THERE IS STILL A LAND BRIDGE BETWEEN ASIA AND NORTH AMERICA FOR SOME REASON:\nT-Rex: -onscious?\nNarrator: ALSO HOW ABOUT IN THIS WORLD EVERYONE IS BICURIOUS\n{{Title text: Guys: while I was writing this, I accidentally swallowed a table-size slab of drywall. I know! Wacky.}}", "alt": "Guys: while I was writing this, I accidentally swallowed a table-sized slab of drywall. I know! Wacky.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dinosaur_comics.png", "title": "Parody Week: Dinosaur Comics", "day": "18" }, { "month": "8", "num": 146, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Join Myspace", "transcript": "[[Guy with black hat is talking to another guy]]\nGuy: Dude, you should get on MySpace.\nBlack Hat: Eh, I don\u0027t think so.\nGuy: C\u0027mon. There\u0027s no real reason not to except snobbiness. It\u0027s the new social scene.\nBlack Hat: I know. I\u0027m just not interested.\nGuy: Please? I\u0027ll friend you.\nBlack Hat: Carebearstare.\nGuy: What?\n[[Black Hat shoots a rainbow colored ray from his chest - the Care Bear Stare. It throws Guy to the edge of the panel, pinned to the wall.]]\n{{Title Text: I really shouldn\u0027t abuse that power so heavily.}}", "alt": "I really shouldn\u0027t abuse that power so heavily.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/join_myspace.png", "title": "Join Myspace", "day": "21" }, { "month": "8", "num": 147, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "A Way So Familiar", "transcript": "Person 1: I saw a cute girl outside the bank today. She looked nice.\nPerson 2: Oh no, not again. You are the _worst_ judge of these things.\nPerson 1: But she was so sweet. Shy, but there was something in her eyes. A pain down in her soul, the same as the one down in mine.\nPerson 2: Mm hmm.\nPerson 1: The police light played through her mohawk like the sun setting through pine trees as she shoveled the third hooker into the trunk of the camry...\nPerson 2: Back up.\n{{Alt: Two Hedwig references, an obscure Joey Comeau, and a girl with a mohawk. Yes.}}", "alt": "Two Hedwig references, an obscure Joey Comeau reference, and a girl with a mohawk. Yes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/a_way_so_familiar.png", "title": "A Way So Familiar", "day": "23" }, { "month": "8", "num": 148, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mispronouncing", "transcript": "[[Caption: My Hobby: mispronouncing Words]]\nMan 1: Yeah, did you see what he said on his wobsite?\nMan 2: ...his what?\nMan 1: Wobsite.\nMan 2: ... I think you mean \"website.\"\nMan 1: Why don\u0027t you write about it in your blag?\n{{Alt Text: My pal Emad does this all the time. \u0027Hey man, which way to the airpart?\u0027}}", "alt": "My pal Emad does this all the time. \u0027Hey man, which way to the airpart?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mispronouncing.png", "title": "Mispronouncing", "day": "25" }, { "month": "8", "num": 149, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sandwich", "transcript": "[[ A man is sitting on a couch, talking to another man. They are both stick figures. ]]\nFirst man: Make me a sandwich.\nSecond man: What? Make it yourself.\nFirst man: Sudo make me a sandwich.\nSecond man: Okay", "alt": "Proper User Policy apparently means Simon Says.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandwich.png", "title": "Sandwich", "day": "28" }, { "month": "8", "num": 150, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Grownups", "transcript": "[[Man is talking to Woman who is behind a waste-high screen across a doorway with colorful playpen balls behind her.]]\nMan: Hey, I was wondering if you had plans for-- holy crap, what happened to your apartment?\nWoman: I filled it with playpen balls!\nMan: I... what? Why?\nWoman: Because we\u0027re grown-ups now, and it\u0027s our turn to decide what that means.\n[[Both vanish into the apartment, balls spilling out into the corridor. A love heart drifts out the door, indicating you-know-what]]\n{{Alt: I\u0027ve looked into this, and I can\u0027t figure out a way to do it cheaply. And I guess it wouldn\u0027t be sanitary.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ve looked into this, and I can\u0027t figure out a way to do it cheaply. And I guess it wouldn\u0027t be sanitary.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/grownups.png", "title": "Grownups", "day": "29" }, { "month": "9", "num": 151, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mario", "transcript": "First Girl: For our anniversary, my boyfriend took me hiking in the mountains.\nSecond Girl: My boyfriend proposed to me.\nSecond Girl: They should call you Mario, \u0027cause you just got \u003c\u003c1-up\u0027d.\u003e\u003e\n{{Title text: Why would anyone ever, ever say that? Please, nobody ever say that.}}", "alt": "Why would anyone ever, ever say that? Please, nobody ever say that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mario.png", "title": "Mario", "day": "1" }, { "month": "9", "num": 152, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hamster Ball", "transcript": "[[A man stands by a genie, whose lower body becomes smoke and trails down to an old-fashioned lamp]]\nGenie: You have awakened me from the lamp. You may have three wishes. What does your heart desire?\nMan: I\u0027d like a human-sized hamster ball.\n[[A hamster ball appears; the man is inside it]]\nMan: Sweet!\n[[The man steps to left; the ball rolls that way]]\n[[He does the same thing to his right]]\n[[The man comes to rest in the centre of the panel]]\nGenie: And your other wishes?\nMan: Why would I need other wishes?\n{{title text: Reportedly, double-walled inflatable balls like this exist somewhere. Now to find that place.}}", "alt": "Reportedly, double-walled inflatable balls like this exist somewhere. Now to find that place.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hamster_ball.png", "title": "Hamster Ball", "day": "3" }, { "month": "9", "num": 153, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cryptography", "transcript": "[[Speaker at a podium]]\nSpeaker: My cryptosystem is like any Feistel cipher, except in the S-Boxes we simply take the bitstring down, flip it, and reverse it.\nI\u0027ve been barred from speaking at any major cryptography conferences ever since it became clear that all my algorithms were just thinly disguised Missy Elliot songs.\n{{alt: If you got a big keyspace, let me search it.}}", "alt": "If you got a big keyspace, let me search it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cryptography.png", "title": "Cryptography", "day": "6" }, { "month": "9", "num": 154, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Beliefs", "transcript": "[[A girl and man stand together, with another figure in the distance]]\nGirl: Professor, that man claims the earth is 6,000 years old!\nProfessor: So? Just use your head and don\u0027t concern yourself overmuch with what other people think.\nGirl: But he says the fossils in the mountains were put there in a flood!\nProfessor: Well, evidence suggests that they were not.\nGirl: But he--\n[[A mountain landscape]]\nProfessor: A million people can call the mountains a fiction, yet it need not trouble you as you stand atop them.\n[[The girl and professor again]]\nGirl: But he believes the silliest things!\nProfessor: So?\nProfessor: The universe doesn\u0027t care what you _believe_. The wonderful thing about science is that it doesn\u0027t ask for your faith, it just asks for your eyes.\nGirl: But he\u0027s a US Senator!\nProfessor: Ah, then yes, we do have a bit of a situation.\n{{title text: Scientists are also sexy, let\u0027s not forget that.}}", "alt": "Scientists are also sexy, let\u0027s not forget that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/beliefs.jpg", "title": "Beliefs", "day": "8" }, { "month": "9", "num": 155, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Search History", "transcript": "Author: In solidarity with the many AOL users whose often embarrassing web searches were released to the public, I offer a sample of my own search history:\n[[There is a screencap of Google\u0027s front page with the following entries suggested for autocompletion in the search box:\nvelociraptors\nsite:imdb.com \"jurassic park\"\nraptors\ndromaeosaurids\nutahraptor\n\"home depot\" deadbolts\nsecurity home improvement\nsurviving a raptor attack\nrobert bakker paleontologist\nrobert bakker \"possible raptor sympathizer\"\nsite:en.wikipedia.org surviving a raptor attack\nlearning from mistakes in jurassic park\nbig-game rifles\ntire irons\ntreating raptor wounds\ndo raptors fear fire\nhow to make a molotov cocktail\ndo raptors fear death\ncan raptors pick locks\nhow to tell if my neighbors are raptors]]\n{{alt: SomethingAwful has a wonderful compilation of crazy AOL searches in their Weekend Web archives, 2006-08-13.}}", "alt": "SomethingAwful has a wonderful compilation of crazy AOL searches in their Weekend Web archives, 2006-08-13.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/search_history.png", "title": "Search History", "day": "11" }, { "month": "9", "num": 156, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Commented", "transcript": "[[two men are talking, one is hat-man]]\nFirst man: Hey, can you do me a favor?\n[[Hat man holds his hand out toward the first man]]\nHat man: Commented!\nFirst man: Huh?\n[[Hat man is holding his first and second fingers parallel and at an angle, and they are green. First man and his next line are also green.]]\nFirst man: Wait, what does that gesture even mean?\n{{Your IDE\u0027s color may vary.}}", "alt": "Your IDE\u0027s color may vary.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/commented.png", "title": "Commented", "day": "13" }, { "month": "9", "num": 157, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Filler Art", "transcript": "[[Text above plain stick figure]]\nText: Sorry guys no comic today. I\u0027ve gotta go to the doctor to get my thighs rotated. But here\u0027s some new character art I\u0027m working on!\n{{Alt-text: Maybe I should let up on Megatokyo a little?}}", "alt": "Maybe I should let up on Megatokyo a little?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/filler_art.png", "title": "Filler Art", "day": "15" }, { "month": "9", "num": 158, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Six Months", "transcript": "[[A guy stands]]\nGuy: It\u0027s been six months and I still have those dreams where you\u0027re pressed tight against me, where you look into my eyes and give me that grin and it\u0027s like you\u0027ve forgotten everything.\nGuy: And something in the back of my head says it\u0027s wrong, it\u0027s not like this anymore, but I push it down. In the morning, I tell myself I can\u0027t control my dreams, but there\u0027s a part of me that doesn\u0027t want them to stop.\nGuy: And honestly, waking up would be a lot easier if your mom didn\u0027t look so much like you.\nGuy: There\u0027s always that moment of confusion.\n{{title-text: But then she does that thing with her tongue and I remember why I left you.}}", "alt": "But then she does that thing with her tongue and I remember why I left you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/six_months.png", "title": "Six Months", "day": "18" }, { "month": "9", "num": 159, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Boombox", "transcript": "[[A woman is looking out a second story window at a guy holding a boombox over his head.]]\n \nMan: MEGAN!\nWoman: Oh my god, I can\u0027t believe this is happening.\nMan: I LOVE YOU!\nWoman: Okay, that\u0027s great. Wait a second. Is ... is that ... Ice Ice Baby? What the hell?\nMan: I\u0027m not very good at this.\n\u003c\u003cMusical Notes\u003e\u003e\nalt-text: And she\u0027s gonna feel like a jerk when she realizes it was actually Under Pressure.", "alt": "And she\u0027s gonna feel like a jerk when she realizes it was actually Under Pressure.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/boombox.png", "title": "Boombox", "day": "20" }, { "month": "9", "num": 160, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Penny Arcade Parody", "transcript": "[[The first panel uses the art style of Penny Arcade.]]\nGabe: What? Sony has plenty of launch titles lined up that aren\u0027t lame sequels.\nTycho: Name one. And furthermore, they... I... uh...\n\n[[The art style is dropped. The next two panels are just text.]]\nNarrator: I can\u0027t do this. I can\u0027t parody Penny Arcade. I\u0027ve got nothing on t hose guys. They\u0027re a class act, they know their audience, they know exactly what they\u0027re doing. Gabe experiments with his art, always bold and fresh without trying to perform. Tycho\u0027s writing continues to astound day after day. I can just see him, reading my uncultured swill masquerading as his florid prose.\n\nNarrator: But he\u0027s not angry, no. He\u0027s sitting at his desk smiling that condescending half-smile, the corner of his mouth belying the self-assurance of a writer who never misplaces a word. His firm hands rest easily on the keyboard, his right thumb caressing the space bar gently, as I enter the room. He knows I\u0027m there without turning around, and I\u0027m too nervous to speak. But I don\u0027t have to; he understands, I can see it in the way his eyes play over me, reading my fears and doubts in a glance and washing them away with a knowing smile. Then he\u0027s on his feet, he\u0027s in front of me, and I don\u0027t feel the electric jolt I expected as our hands meet. It\u0027s just warm, warm and right: As I sink into his eyes I feel a hand on my shoulder, and I see Tycho smile at someone behind me. Gabe is standing there, grinning that mischievous grin, and twirling his beloved cardboard tube between his fingers.\nNarrator: The night has just begun.\n\n{{Title text: No one show this to Tycho\u0027s wife, okay?}}", "alt": "No one show this to Tycho\u0027s wife, okay?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/penny_arcade_parody.png", "title": "Penny Arcade Parody", "day": "20" }, { "month": "9", "num": 161, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Accident", "transcript": "[[Person driving car while singing]]\nDriver: NAAAA NA NA NANA NANA NA NA KATAMARI DAMACY\n[[two people talking]]\nMailbox Owner: and that\u0027s when you veered into the mailbox?\nDriver: It looked smaller then me. It was just instinct.", "alt": "As far as treachery-as-driving-music goes, Katamari music is matched only by Guitar Hero music.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/accident.png", "title": "Accident", "day": "22" }, { "month": "9", "num": 162, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Angular Momentum", "transcript": "[[Man sits on his bed, looking at a girl who is spinning. It is night.]]\nMan on bed: What are you doing? \nGirl: Spinning counterclockwise\nEach turn robs the planet of angular momentum\nSlowing its spin by the tiniest bit\nLengthening the night, pushing back the dawn\nGiving me a little more time here\nWith you\n{{title text: With reasonable assumptions about latitude and body shape, how much time might she gain them? Note: whatever the answer, sunrise always comes too soon. (Also, is it worth it if she throws up?)}}", "alt": "With reasonable assumptions about latitude and body shape, how much time might she gain them? Note: whatever the answer, sunrise always comes too soon. (Also, is it worth it if she throws up?)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/angular_momentum.jpg", "title": "Angular Momentum", "day": "25" }, { "month": "9", "num": 163, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Donald Knuth", "transcript": "[[Two programmers, one with a black hat and one without a hat, are sitting back to back at two separate desks, typing.]]\nNo-Hat Programmer: Man, you\u0027re being inconsistent with your array indices. Some are from one, some are from zero.\nBlack-Hat Programmer: Different tasks call for different conventions. To quote Stanford algorithm\u0027s expert Donald Knuth, \"Who are you? How did you get in my house?\"\nNo-Hat Programmer: Wait, what?\nBlack-Hat Programmer: Well, that\u0027s what he said when I asked him about it.\n{{alt: His books were kinda intimidating; rappelling down through his skylight seemed like the best option.}}", "alt": "His books were kinda intimidating; rappelling down through his skylight seemed like the best option.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/donald_knuth.png", "title": "Donald Knuth", "day": "27" }, { "month": "9", "num": 164, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Playing Devil\u0027s Advocate to Win", "transcript": "Man: Yes, from the evidence it looks pretty likely to me that we\u0027re causing global warming on a horrific scale. But with science you don\u0027t need to argue. It doesn\u0027t matter who wins the debate -- it\u0027s about reality. By just waiting a little longer, we\u0027ll get to SEE who was right. It feels unethical but I find myself wanting to keep quiet about the science just to know for sure. As terrible as it sounds, the state of the world isn\u0027t really my responsibility. I\u0027m just thrilled to get to watch. If the scientists are right -- and if we keep people from understanding just a little longer -- we\u0027ll enjoy quite a ride. And pragmatically, on the outside chance that they\u0027re all wrong, I get saved the embarrassment of having spoken up.\n{{alt: There are so many well-meaning conservatives around here who just assume global warming is only presented as a moral issue for political reasons.}}", "alt": "There are so many well-meaning conservatives around here who just assume global warming is only presented as a moral issue for political reasons.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/global_warming.png", "title": "Playing Devil\u0027s Advocate to Win", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 165, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Turn Signals", "transcript": "[[Two cars are seen sitting at a red light. One person is seen walking from his car up to the driver of the car in front of him. The turn signals of both cars seem to be blinking at the same time.]]\nPerson in Street: Hey, our turn signals are in sync!\nPerson in Car: What the hell?\nPerson in Street: Usually they\u0027re at least a little off. But I\u0027ve been watching like 30 seconds and haven\u0027t seen any beat frequency!\nPerson in Car: Who are you?\nPerson in Street: You know, from the beat frequency you can tell the difference in timing of the two signals.\nPerson in Car: ...\nPerson in Street: But ours are the same!\nPerson in Car: ...\nPerson in Street: So, wanna hang out later?\n{{Alt: I\u0027m not very good at meeting people.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m not very good at meeting people.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/turn_signals.png", "title": "Turn Signals", "day": "2" }, { "month": "10", "num": 166, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Misusing Slang", "transcript": "Narrator: The best part of getting older is gonna be intentionally misusing slang around teenagers just to watch them squirm.\nMan: Oh man, that song is so pwned!\nAdolescent: \u003c\u003ctwitch\u003e\u003e\n{{title text: It slowly dawns on us that our parents knew exactly what they were doing.}}", "alt": "It slowly dawns on us that our parents knew exactly what they were doing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/misusing_slang.png", "title": "Misusing Slang", "day": "4" }, { "month": "10", "num": 167, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nihilism", "transcript": "{{Alt Text: Why can\u0027t you have normal existential angst like all the other boys?}}\n[[Two men - one capped with a beret, the other hatless - approach a tree while talking.]]\nMAN: There is no God. Our existence is without purpose.\nMAN IN BERET: Oh, definitely. \nMAN IN BERET: We are adrift in an uncaring void indifferent to all our mortal toil.\nMAN: Exactly! In the end, nothing we do matters.\nMAN IN BERET: [[climbing the tree]] Totally.\nMAN: We just... Why are you climbing that tree?\n[[THe man in beret is now completely submerged in the tree]]\nMAN IN BERET: Because the future is an adventure! Come on!\nMAN: But--\nMAN IN BERET: Hey! I found squirrels!", "alt": "Why can\u0027t you have normal existential angst like all the other boys?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nihilism.png", "title": "Nihilism", "day": "6" }, { "month": "10", "num": 168, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reverse Euphemisms", "transcript": "My Hobby: Reverse Euphemisms\n[[Two people talking]]\nPerson 1: Oh, hey, school just let out and it\u0027s YMCA night, so I\u0027ve gotta go take a shit.\nPerson 2: What?\nPerson 1: I mean I actually have to drop the kids off at the pool.\n{{title text: I\u0027m still waiting for a chance to use \u0027I have to see a man about a horse\u0027.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m still waiting for a chance to use \u0027I have to see a man about a horse\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reverse_euphemisms.png", "title": "Reverse Euphemisms", "day": "9" }, { "month": "10", "num": 169, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Words that End in GRY", "transcript": "[[Hat Guy and Random Guy are standing next to each other.]]\nRandom Guy: There are three words in the English language that end in \"gry\". \"Angry\" and \"Hungry\" are two. What\u0027s the third?\nHat Guy: I don\u0027t think there is one, unless you cound really obscure words.\nRandom Guy: Ha! It\u0027s \"language\"! I said there are three words in \"the English--\" \n[[Hat Guy grabs Random Guy\u0027s hand with a \u003c\u003cGRAB\u003e\u003e]]\nRandom Guy: What th-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA\n[[Hat Guy slices off Random Guy\u0027s hand with a knife.]]\nHat Guy: Ok, listen carefully.\nRandom Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA\n[[Random Guy is bleeding profusely.]]\nHat Guy: Communicating badly then acting smug when you\u0027re misunderstood is not cleverness.\nRandom Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA\nHat Guy: I hope we\u0027ve learned something today.\nRandom Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA\n{{Alt text: The fifth panel also applys to postmodernists.}}", "alt": "The fifth panel also applies to postmodernists.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/words_that_end_in_gry.png", "title": "Words that End in GRY", "day": "11" }, { "month": "10", "num": 170, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Turn Back", "transcript": "Person 1: Should we keep going?\nPerson 2: I don\u0027t know.\nPerson 1: We can turn back if you want.\nPerson 2: Look--\nPerson 2: Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don\u0027t have a plan any more than you? Maybe just having this conversation means we\u0027re lost.\n[[Wide shot of the characters walking through a Calvin and Hobbes-esque alien landscape]]\nPerson 1: Kind of scary.\nPerson 2: It\u0027s terrifying.\nPerson 1: This place is beautiful.\nPerson 2: Yeah.\n{{alt: I hear that these days Bill Watterson is happy just painting in the Ohio woods with his father and doesn\u0027t get any mail or talk to anyone.}}", "alt": "I hear that these days Bill Watterson is happy just painting in the Ohio woods with his father and doesn\u0027t get any mail or talk to anyone.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/turn_back.png", "title": "Turn Back", "day": "13" }, { "month": "10", "num": 171, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "String Theory", "transcript": "String Theory summarized:\nI just had an awesome idea. Suppose all matter and energy is made of tiny, vibrating \"strings\".\nOkay. What would that imply?\nI dunno.\n{{title text: This works on pretty much every level.}}", "alt": "This works on pretty much every level.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/string_theory.png", "title": "String Theory", "day": "16" }, { "month": "10", "num": 172, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Skateboarding is Not a Crime", "transcript": "[[A set of lockers. The middle one has a sticker stuck to it proclaiming \"Skateboarding is not a crime\"]]\nWhen I\u0027m president, skateboarding will still be legal, but display of those stupid stickers will be a felony.\n{{alt text: \u0027Arrest me, I\u0027m a skateboarder\u0027 is an even more obnoxious variant.}}", "alt": "\u0027Arrest me, I\u0027m a skateboarder\u0027 is an even more obnoxious variant.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/skateboarding_is_not_a_crime.png", "title": "Skateboarding is Not a Crime", "day": "18" }, { "month": "10", "num": 173, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Movie Seating", "transcript": "At the movies, I get frustrated when we file into our row haphazardly, ignoring the computationally difficulty problem of seating people together for maximum enjoyment. [[Map of relationships between 8 people.]] \n{{legend:}} Single line: friends. Double line: in a relationship. Arrow: one-way crush. Dashed line: acquaintances\n[[The eight friends sitting in a row in a dark cinema. Narrator and one other are between two lovers.]] Guys! This is not socially optimal!\n{{Title-text: It\u0027s like the traveling salesman problem, but the endpoints are different and you can\u0027t ask your friends for help because they\u0027re sitting three seats down.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s like the traveling salesman problem, but the endpoints are different and you can\u0027t ask your friends for help because they\u0027re sitting three seats down.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/movie_seating.png", "title": "Movie Seating", "day": "20" }, { "month": "10", "num": 174, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "That\u0027s What SHE Said", "transcript": "{{My Hobby: Using \"that\u0027s what SHE said\" only in the most grammatically ambiguous situations.}}\nPerson 1: He doubts she could\u0027ve done they claimed she did.\nPerson 2: That\u0027s what _SHE_ said!\n{{alt: Yes, I mean she said that during sex. Yes, it was a little weird.}}", "alt": "Yes, I mean she said that during sex. Yes, it was a little weird.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thats_what_she_said.png", "title": "That\u0027s What SHE Said", "day": "23" }, { "month": "10", "num": 175, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Automatic Doors", "transcript": "When I walk past an automatic door and it opens for me, I worry that if I don\u0027t go in I\u0027ll hurt its feelings.\n\u003c\u003cwhirrrr\u003e\u003e\nFigure: Oh, um, I\u0027m sorry, I was just ... um ... I guess I can hang out for a bit.", "alt": "I hope no automatic doors I know read this. I would be so embarrassed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/automatic_doors.png", "title": "Automatic Doors", "day": "25" }, { "month": "10", "num": 176, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Before Sunrise", "transcript": "[[Man stands in frame, talking]]\nMan: Every morning for a week now I\u0027ve gone out driving before sunrise.\nI wanted to get lost in the dark, park my car, listen to music, and sip from a warm drink as dawn broke around me, gradually revealing a landscape I\u0027d never before seen. A chain of unique beinnings forcing wonder into the seeds of each day.\nBut I guess I need more willpower, because each sunrise just found me at your mom\u0027s apartment again.\n{{title text: It\u0027s an amazing time of day; the light is great for photography.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s an amazing time of day; the light is great for photography.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/before_sunrise.png", "title": "Before Sunrise", "day": "27" }, { "month": "10", "num": 177, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Alice and Bob", "transcript": "[[Girl with black hair stands in the frame, talking to the reader]]\nGirl: I\u0027m sure you\u0027ve heard all about this sordid affair in those gossipy cryptographic protocol specs with those busybodies Schneier and Rivest, always taking Alice\u0027s side, always labeling me the attacker.\nGirl: Yes, it\u0027s true. I broke Bob\u0027s private key and extracted the text of her messages. But does anyone realize how much it hurt?\nGirl: He said it was nothing, but everything from the public-key authenticated signatures on the files to the lipstick heart smeared on the disk screamed \"Alice.\"\nGirl: I didn\u0027t want to believe. Of course on some level I realized it was a known-plaintext attack. But I couldn\u0027t admit it until I saw it for myself.\n[[Girl places her hands on her hips]]\nGirl: So before you so quickly label me a third party to the communication, just remember: I loved him first. We had something and she tore it away. She\u0027s the attacker, not me. - Not eve.\n{{title text: Yet one more reason I\u0027m barred from speaking at crypto conferences.}}", "alt": "Yet one more reason I\u0027m barred from speaking at crypto conferences.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/alice_and_bob.png", "title": "Alice and Bob", "day": "30" }, { "month": "11", "num": 178, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Not Really Into Pokemon", "transcript": "I have found the perfect phrase for condescendingly dismissing anything:\n[[Two men are talking, one is wearing a black hat]]\nMan without hat: Have you seen the new ubuntu release?\nMan with black hat: Nah, I\u0027m not really into Pokémon.\n{{title text: As of this writing, Ubuntu 6.10 and Firefox 2.0 have left my computer a complete mess.}}", "alt": "As of this writing, Ubuntu 6.10 and Firefox 2.0 have left my computer a complete mess.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/not_really_into_pokemon.png", "title": "Not Really Into Pokemon", "day": "1" }, { "month": "11", "num": 179, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "e to the pi times i", "transcript": "{{Note my use of ^(x) and â(x) standing in for the normal maths syntax in the comic}}\n[[Two people (anonymous: no hair or hats) stand in conversation, one gesturing over a flipchart of indistinct algebra.]]\nEXPLAINER: NUMBERS OF THE FORM nâ(-1) ARE \"IMAGINARY\" BUT WE CAN STILL USE THEM IN EQUATIONS.\nOTHER: OKAY.\nEXPLAINER: AND e^(Ï â(-1))=-1.\nOTHER: NOW YOU\u0027RE JUST FUCKING WITH ME.\n{{alt text: I have never been totally satisfied by the explanations for why e to the ix gives a sinusoidal wave.}}", "alt": "I have never been totally satisfied by the explanations for why e to the ix gives a sinusoidal wave.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/e_to_the_pi_times_i.png", "title": "e to the pi times i", "day": "3" }, { "month": "11", "num": 180, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Canada", "transcript": "[[Two men stand talking to each other]]\nFirst Man: If we lose this election, I\u0027m moving to Canada.\nSecond Man: You say that every year.\nFirst Man: I mean it this time.\nSecond Man: Well, becoming a citizen takes work. Meanwhile, you have no money, half an art degree, and it\u0027s the start of winter. You\u0027ll freeze to death in the streets.\nFirst Man: Whatever.\n[[Second man raises his hands]]\nSecond Man: No, don\u0027t you get it? If you die in Canada, you die in REAL LIFE!\n{{title text: IT\u0027S ALL REAL}}", "alt": "IT\u0027S ALL REAL", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/canada.png", "title": "Canada", "day": "6" }, { "month": "11", "num": 181, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interblag", "transcript": "[[Title: Terms I have used or heard used to make fun of the internet.]]\n[[Below: A matrix whose entries may contain crosses to indicate that a term has been used. The rows (prefixes) are labelled WORLD WIDE, INTER-, BLOGO-, BLAGO- and WEB- ; the columns are labelled NET, WEB, SPHERE, TUBES and BLAG. In the interests of properly propagating the term \"blagoblag\", the full list of used terms follows:\nWorld Wide Web\nInternet\nInterweb\nIntersphere\nIntertubes\nInterblag\nBlogosphere\nBlagonet\nBlagosphere\nBlagoblag\nWebnet\nWebweb]]\n[[Boy and Girl stand facing; Boy raises his hands in the air while Girl is nonplussed]]\nBoy: I heard about it on the interblag!\n{{Title text: Sometimes I hate the internet. Sometimes it makes me happy that \u0027The Tubes\u0027 has become slang for the internet so quickly.}}", "alt": "Sometimes I hate the internet. Sometimes it makes me happy that \u0027The Tubes\u0027 has become slang for the internet so quickly.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interblag.png", "title": "Interblag", "day": "8" }, { "month": "11", "num": 182, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nash", "transcript": "[[Two men stand talking two each other. The first man is pointing off the panel]]\nFirst Man: Hey, Dr. Nash, I think those gals over there are eyeing us. This is like your Nash Equilibrium, right? One of them is hot, but we should each flirt with one of her less-desirable friends. Otherwise we risk coming on too strong to the hot one and just driving the group off.\nSecond Man (Dr. Nash): Well, that\u0027s not really the sort of situation I wrote about. Once we\u0027re with the ugly ones, there\u0027s no incentive for one of us not to try to switch to the hot one. It\u0027s not a stable equilibrium.\nFirst Man: Crap, forget it. Looks like all three are leaving with one guy.\n[[Second Man shakes his fist]]\nSecond Man (Dr. Nash): Dammit, Feynman!\n{{title text: Maybe someday science will get over its giant collective crush on Richard Feynman. But I doubt it!}}", "alt": "Maybe someday science will get over its giant collective crush on Richard Feynman. But I doubt it!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nash.png", "title": "Nash", "day": "10" }, { "month": "11", "num": 183, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Snacktime Rules", "transcript": "My dad was always the one who taught me about science, but looking back, I\u0027m starting to realize how much my nerdiness was influenced by my mom.\n[[A woman and a child are talking]]\nChild: Mom, can I have a snack in my room before bed?\nMom: No, Dear. You know you only get that privilege when your age is one less than a multiple of three.\n{{alt text: I am not making this rule up. Although my mom wants you all to know it made perfect sense at the time.}}", "alt": "I am not making this rule up. Although my mom wants you all to know it made perfect sense at the time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snacktime_rules.png", "title": "Snacktime Rules", "day": "13" }, { "month": "11", "num": 184, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Matrix Transform", "transcript": "( ( cos 90º sin 90º) ( -sin 90º cos 90º ) ) ( a1 a2 )t = [[The same (a1 a2)t matrix turned 90º to the right]]\n{{In fact, draw all your rotational matrices sideways. Your professors will love it! And then they\u0027ll go home and shrink.}}", "alt": "In fact, draw all your rotational matrices sideways. Your professors will love it! And then they\u0027ll go home and shrink.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/matrix_transform.png", "title": "Matrix Transform", "day": "15" }, { "month": "11", "num": 185, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wikifriends", "transcript": "WikiFriends:\n[[Two people are talking to each other]]\nPerson 1: I really liked that movie.\nPerson 2: I hated that movie.\nPerson 1: Me too.\n{{title text: It\u0027s crazy how much my gut opinion of a movie\nsong is swayed by what other people say, regardless of how I felt coming out of the theater.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s crazy how much my gut opinion of a movie/song is swayed by what other people say, regardless of how I felt coming out of the theater.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wikifriends.png", "title": "Wikifriends", "day": "17" }, { "month": "11", "num": 186, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Console Lines", "transcript": "{{Title: Fans turning away latecomers to all-night game console campouts:}}\n{{Sony\nMicrosoft:}}\n[[Campers to new arrivals:]]\nThe line is full, asshole! Fuck off!\n{{Nintendo:}}\n[[Campers to new arrivals:]]\nI\u0027m so sorry, all the consoles are spoken for.\nDo... Do you want a hug?\n{{alt: If I get a Wii, it will be the first game console I\u0027ve owned.}}", "alt": "If I get a Wii, it will be the first game console I\u0027ve owned.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/console_lines.png", "title": "Console Lines", "day": "20" }, { "month": "11", "num": 187, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Familiar", "transcript": "[[One person sits at a computer, another is standing behind him]]\nPerson standing up: Let\u0027s go see sunrise over the ocean.\nPerson at computer: That\u0027s a long drive, it\u0027s cold, I\u0027m tired, and rationalizing the familiar is easy.\n[[Person standing up leaves. In the next two frames the man at the computer remains at his computer]]\n{{title text: When I say we should do something sometime, I\u0027m secretly hoping you\u0027ll say \u0027Why not now?\u0027}}", "alt": "When I say we should do something sometime, I\u0027m secretly hoping you\u0027ll say \u0027Why not now?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_familiar.png", "title": "The Familiar", "day": "22" }, { "month": "11", "num": 188, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reload", "transcript": "[[Four soldiers are preparing to enter a battlefield; their leader addresses them.]]\nLeader: Okay men, we\u0027re going in. Stay low, keep behind cover, and if you run out of ammunition, shoot outside the battlefield to reload.\n{{Title text: And watch out for that guy from comic #53.}}", "alt": "And watch out for that guy from comic #53.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reload.png", "title": "Reload", "day": "24" }, { "month": "11", "num": 189, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Exercise", "transcript": "Like many geeks, I got a lot more interested in exercise once I made the connection to leveling up.\n[[Man is doing pull-ups on a bar]]\nMan doing pull-ups: One more point to str, then I\u0027ll run to work on con.\n{{title text: I haven\u0027t had the patience for RPGs in a long time.}}", "alt": "I haven\u0027t had the patience for RPGs in a long time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exercise.png", "title": "Exercise", "day": "27" }, { "month": "11", "num": 190, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "IPoD", "transcript": "[[Character 1 - wearing a black hat - sits at a computer. Character 2 stands behind Character 1]]\nCharacter 1: You see, statisticians communicate using IPoD -- IP over Demographics. For example, the header of the next packet I send will be encoded into the New Jersey death rate.\nCharacter 2: So you\u0027re going to hack the census bureau and change the number of reported deaths?\nCharacter 1: Guess again.\nCharacter 1: Hey, have you seen my crossbow?\n{{Alt: For smaller numbers he has to SAVE lives. The birthrate channel is even more of a mixed bag.}}", "alt": "For smaller numbers he has to SAVE lives. The birthrate channel is even more of a mixed bag.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ipod.png", "title": "IPoD", "day": "29" }, { "month": "12", "num": 191, "link": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lojban_translated.png", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lojban", "transcript": "Man: If you learned to speak Lojban, your communication would be completely unambiguous and logical.\nMan in black hat: Yeah, but it would all be with the kind of people who learn Lojban.", "alt": "zo\u0027o ta jitfa .i .e\u0027o xu do pendo mi", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lojban.png", "title": "Lojban", "day": "1" }, { "month": "12", "num": 192, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Working for Google", "transcript": "Have you read about Google HQ? It sounds like an incredible place to work.\nMan, I ain\u0027t going to be chained down in no corporate idea factory! They think just \u0027cause they\u0027ve got a nice building and laid back culture, I\u0027m gonna want to come in all day long and work on fascinating problems with the smartest people in the world.\n[[One stick figure stares at the other]]\nSo, what, they turned you down?\nI don\u0027t understand it! I even baked them a cake shaped like the internet!\n{{I hear once you\u0027ve worked there 256 days, they teach you the secret of levitation.}}", "alt": "I hear once you\u0027ve worked there for 256 days they teach you the secret of levitation.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/working_for_google.png", "title": "Working for Google", "day": "4" }, { "month": "12", "num": 193, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Perfect Sound", "transcript": "[[Two people are listening to music on a stereo]]\nPerson 1: I\u0027m telling you, listen right here to the sets of rising notes following the opening section.\nPerson 2: Uh huh.\n[[Person 1 indicates stereo]]\nPerson 1: And then right here, the transition into the chorus. _This_ is music. This is _art_!\n[[Person 1 dances along with the music]]\nStereo: Oh Mickey, you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey! *clap* *clap* Hey Mickey!\nPerson 2: There\u0027s something wrong with you.\n{{alt text: Oh, what a pity, can\u0027t you understand...}}", "alt": "Oh, what a pity, can\u0027t you understand . . .", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_perfect_sound.png", "title": "The Perfect Sound", "day": "6" }, { "month": "12", "num": 194, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Penises", "transcript": "{{Headline: PENISES:}}\nWoman: They are about this big.\n[[Holds her hands about half a foot apart]]\nNow can we PLEASE, as a culture, move on?\n{{alt:The penis varies in size when flaccid and is pretty consistently about yea big when erect. Anyway, back to the sitcom one-liners and the constant flow of spam.}}", "alt": "The penis varies in size when flaccid and is pretty consistently about yea big when erect. Anyway, back to the sitcom one-liners and the constant flow of spam.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/penises.png", "title": "Penises", "day": "8" }, { "month": "12", "num": 195, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Map of the Internet", "transcript": "Map of the Internet\nThe IPv4 Space, 2006\nThis chart shows the IP address space on a plane using a fractal mapping which preserves grouping--any consecutive string of IPs will translate to a single, compact, contiguous region on the map. Each of the 256 numbered blocks represents one \n8 subnet (containing all IPs that start with that number). The upper left section shows the blocks sold directly to corporations and coverments in the 1990\u0027s before the RIRs took over allocation.\n[[Diagram displaying IP addresses using Hibbert Curve]]\nDiagram showing IP ownership:\n0: Local\n1-2: Unallocated\n3: General Electric\n4: BB\u0026N INC\n5: Unallocated\n6: Army AISC\n7: Unallocated\n8: BB\u0026N INC\n9: IBM\n10: VPNs\n11: DoD Intel\n12: Bell Labs\n13: Xerox\n14: Public data nets\n15: HP\n16: DEC\n17: Apple\n18: MIT\n19: Ford\n20: CSC\n21: DDN-RYN\n22: DISA\n23: Unallocated\n24: Cable TV\n25: UK MoD\n26: DISA\n27: Unallocated\n28: DSI\n29-30: DISA\n31: Unallocated\n32: NORSK\n33: DLA\n34: Halliburton\n35: Merit\n36-37: Unallocated\n38: PSI\n39: Unallocated\n40: Eli Lily\n41: ARINIC\n42: Unallocated\n43: Japan INET\n44: HAM Radio\n45: INTEROP\n46: BB\u0026N INC\n47: Bell North\n48: Prudential\n49-50: Unallocated\n51: UK Social Security\n52: duPont\n55: Boeing\n56: USPS\n57: SITA\n58-61: Asia-Pacific\n62: Europe\n63-76: USA \u0026 Canada (contains: UUNET, Google, Digg, Slashdot, Ebay, Craigslist, XKCD, Flickr)\n77-79: Europe (unused)\n80-91: Europe\n92-95: Unallocated\n96-99: North America\n100-120: Unallocated\n121-125: Asia-Pacific\n126: Japan\n127: Loopback\n128-132: Various Registrars\n133: Japan\n134-172: Various Registrars\n173-189: Unallocated\n188: Various\n189-190: Latin America \u0026 Caribbean\n191-192: Various (contains Private (RFC 1918)\n193-195: Europe\n196: Africa\n197: Unallocated\n198: US \u0026 Various\n199: North America\n200-201: Latin America \u0026 Carribbean\n202-203: Asia-Pacific\n204-209: North America (contains Suicide Girls, BoingBoing)\n210-211: Asia-Pacific\n212-213: Europe\n214-215: U.S. Department of Defense\n216: North America (Contains Myspace, SomethingAwful)\n217: Europe\n218-222: Asia-Pacific\n223: Unallocated\n224-239: Multicast\n240-255: Unallocated\n{{alt: For the IPv6 map just imagine the XP default desktop picture.}}", "alt": "For the IPv6 map just imagine the XP default desktop picture.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/map_of_the_internet.jpg", "title": "Map of the Internet", "day": "11" }, { "month": "12", "num": 196, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Command Line Fu", "transcript": "[[Two men talking]]\nMan 2: Last night I was watching videos with this girl and my monitors kept turning off - even though I had disabled power save.\nMan 1: Odd.\nMan 2: However! I wrote a command to jiggle the mouse pointer every couple minutes to keep it from going idle.\nMan 1: Not the first hack I\u0027d try, but see? Linux has problems, but it gives you the tools to deal with them - and save your date!\nMan 2: Actually, I was half an hour into the pointer scripting documentation when she got dressed and left.\n{{title text: When designing an interface, imagine that your program is all that stands between the user and hot, sweaty, tangled-bedsheets-fingertips-digging-into-the-back sex.}}", "alt": "When designing an interface, imagine that your program is all that stands between the user and hot, sweaty, tangled-bedsheets-fingertips-digging-into-the-back sex.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/command_line_fu.png", "title": "Command Line Fu", "day": "13" }, { "month": "12", "num": 197, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ninja Turtles", "transcript": "[[Four pie graphs, each colored green and brown]]\nLeonardo\n[[Almost one-half green]]\nMichelangelo\n[[More than one-half green]]\nDonatello\n[[Almost completely green]]\nRaphael\n[[Roughly half-and-half]]\n[[A legend]]\nNotoriety as a\n[[Brown]] Renaissance artist\n[[Green]] Ninja turtle\n{{alt text: The henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady have hijacked the musical genres for us just like the Lone Ranger hijacked the William Tell Overture for our parents.}}", "alt": "The henchmen Bebop and Rocksteady have hijacked the musical genres for us just like the Lone Ranger hijacked the William Tell Overture for our parents.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ninja_turtles.png", "title": "Ninja Turtles", "day": "15" }, { "month": "12", "num": 198, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Perspective", "transcript": "Narrator: Sometimes, when I first wake up, I am caught in the horrible grip of perspective.\n[[A person sitting up in bed]]\nPerson: It may be a jewel of open source, but Firefox is JUST A BROWSER. It shows WEBPAGES. What the hell is WRONG with us?\nNarrator: Fortunately, this subsides quickly.\n{{alt text: I wonder what I was dreaming to prompt that. I hope it wasn\u0027t the Richard Stallman Cirque de Soleil thing again.}}", "alt": "I wonder what I was dreaming to prompt that. I hope it wasn\u0027t the Richard Stallman Cirque de Soleil thing again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/perspective.png", "title": "Perspective", "day": "18" }, { "month": "12", "num": 199, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Right-Hand Rule", "transcript": "[[Picture of a right hand with fingers curved, thumb pointed away, with axes drawn to demonstrate the right-hand rule of physics]]\nAlternatives to the Right-Hand Rule in vector multiplication:\n[[A slightly-open book with labeled axes drawn on.]]\nBook Rule: Open the front cover along the first vector and the back cover along the second. The result vector is along the spine, out the top.\n[[A handgun with axes.]]\nHandgun Rule: Point the grip along the first vector and rotate it so that the second vector is on the safety latch side. Fire. The result vector is toward the bullet holes.\n[[A person with right arm extended.]]\nBody Rule (males only): Point your right arm along the first vector and your legs along the second, then watch some porn.\n{{alt text: To really expand your mind try some noncartesian porn. Edwin Abbot Abbott has nothing on \u0027Girls on Girls in Tightly Closed Nonorientable Spaces\u0027.}}", "alt": "To really expand your mind try some noncartesian porn. Edwin Abbot Abbott has nothing on \u0027Girls on Girls in Tightly Closed Nonorientable Spaces\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/right_hand_rule.png", "title": "Right-Hand Rule", "day": "20" }, { "month": "12", "num": 200, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bill Nye", "transcript": "[[A restaurant. A mother and two children sit at one table; a man in a white lab coat sits in another.]]\nTitle: THE TRIBULATIONS of BILL NYE\nMother: Hey, kids, see how the ice cracks and pops in your water? I wonder what causes that...\nMother: *AHEM* I said, I wonder what --\nBill Nye: Know what? Maybe I just wanna enjoy my goddamn meal.\n{{alt text: You could at least not wear the lab coat everywhere, dude.}}", "alt": "You could at least not wear the lab coat everywhere, dude.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bill_nye.png", "title": "Bill Nye", "day": "22" }, { "month": "12", "num": 201, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Christmas GPS", "transcript": "Boy: Check it out-- I got a GPS receiver for Christmas! What should we do with it?\nGirl: Let\u0027s take our latitude \u0026 longitdue, put our birthdays after the decimal points, then go to that spot and make out.\n[[Boy is in love]]\nNarrator: Merry Christmas from XKCD\n[[car driving off in to the distance]]\n{{Alt Text: If it\u0027s over water, and you can\u0027t get a boat or revise the rules to preserve the makeout, there is no helping you.}}", "alt": "If it\u0027s over water, and you can\u0027t get a boat or revise the rules to preserve the makeout, there is no helping you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/christmas_gps.png", "title": "Christmas GPS", "day": "25" }, { "month": "12", "num": 202, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "YouTube", "transcript": "The Internet has always had loud dumb people, but I\u0027ve never seen anything quite as bad as the people who comment on YouTube videos.\n[[A YouTube comments page for a moon landing video]]\nComments \u0026 Responses\nrocckir (48 minutes ago)\nthis is so obviously faked its unbilevable, why r people so gullible??? morons\nbigmike133 (35 minutes ago)\nive seen the space shuttle ass hole it definetly landed on the moon do some research...\ngunpistolman (22 minutes ago)\nif it was real why is their gravity? americans r fucken sheep\ncrackmonkey74 (17 minutes ago)\nu dont think we went to the moon why not tell louis armstrong to his face\nsimpleplan2009 (3 minutes ago)\nit was a soundstage on mars\n{{Title text: I pray GunPistolMan never learns the word \u0027sheeple\u0027.}}", "alt": "I pray GunPistolMan never learns the word \u0027sheeple\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/youtube.png", "title": "YouTube", "day": "27" }, { "month": "12", "num": 203, "link": "", "year": "2006", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hallucinations", "transcript": "Heading: Sometimes is seems bizarre to me that we take dreaming in stride.\n[[Two people standing]]\nPerson 1: Are you coming to dinner?\nPerson 2: Yeah, but first I\u0027m gonna go comatose for a few hours, hallucinate vividly, and then maybe suffer amnesia about the whole experience.\nPerson 1: Okay, cool.", "alt": "And the possibility of lucid dreaming just makes it that much more fascinating.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hallucinations.png", "title": "Hallucinations", "day": "29" }, { "month": "1", "num": 204, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "America", "transcript": "[[Timeline]]\n1776 ; declaration of independence\n1979 ; jimmy carter attacked by giant swimming rabbit\n2007 ; present day\ncentered, bottom, title ; america must never forget", "alt": "The younger folk in the audience think this is a joke.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/america.png", "title": "America", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 205, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Candy Button Paper", "transcript": "When it came to eating strips of candy buttons, there were two main strategies. Some kids carefully removed each bead, checking closely for paper residue before eating.\nOthers tore the candy off haphazardly, swallowing large scraps of paper as they ate.\nThen there were the lonely few of us who moved back and forth on the strip, eating rows of beads here and there, pretending we were Turing machines.\n{Title text: Nonrewritable tape?}", "alt": "Nonrewritable tape?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/candy_button_paper.png", "title": "Candy Button Paper", "day": "3" }, { "month": "1", "num": 206, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reno Rhymes", "transcript": "[[Two men stand facing one another. Man on the left is wearing a hat]]\nMan: You know, I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.\nMan 2: Really? Well, I once shot a man in Reno, but I couldn\u0027t tell you why.\nMan: I once shot a man in Reno, then I went home to cry.\nMan 2: I once shot a man in Reno, then I watered his cacti.\nMan: I once shot a man in Reno \u0027cause they cancelled Firefly.\nMan 2: I once shot a man in Reno, him and all his succubi.\nMan: I once shot a man in Reno and a bunch more in My Lai.\nMan 2: I think we\u0027re done.\n{{title text: Did you shoot a man in Reno? Now, I don\u0027t mean to pry.}}", "alt": "Did you shoot a man in Reno? Now, I don\u0027t mean to pry.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reno_rhymes.png", "title": "Reno Rhymes", "day": "5" }, { "month": "1", "num": 207, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "What xkcd Means", "transcript": "{{Title: What does XKCD mean?}}\n[[One car of two sitting at a red light makes a right turn, then shifts over to the left and makes a left turn to go back the way it came. It then makes another right and continues on the road past the traffic light. This is shown with a red arrow.]]\n{{Panel title: It means saving a few seconds at a long red light via elaborate and questionably legal maneuvers.}}\n[[Someone on a cell phone is shown in a circle in the panel. A second person in the panel itself is looking at a dog, from which the ringing sound of his phone is coming]]\n\u003c\u003cRing\u003e\u003e\n{{Panel title: It means having someone call your cell phone to figure out where it is.}}\n[[The mathematical function \"A(g64, g64)=,\" with the 64s subscripted, appears in the panel. Next to the equal sign stands a mathematician, clutching his head.]]\n{{Panel title: It means calling the Ackermann function with Graham\u0027s number as the arguments just to horrify mathematicians.}}\nMathematician: Aughhh\n[[An approximately 8 by 8 square of floor tiles is shown; the first, fourth and seventh across in the first, fourth and seventh rows are black and the rest are white. A guy and girl are shown next to it, walking on what is presumed to be the same pattern of floor tiles.]]\n{{Panel title: It means instinctively constructing rules for which floor tiles it\u0027s okay to step on and then walking funny ever after.}}\n{{Line indicating the uppermost right black tile: Black tiles okay}}\n{{Line indicating tile directly below it: White tiles directly between black tiles okay}}\n{{Line indicating a white tile in the last column over: Not okay}}\n{{Alt text: It means shuffling quickly past nuns on the street with ketchup in your palms, pretending you\u0027re hiding stigmata.}}", "alt": "It means shuffling quickly past nuns on the street with ketchup in your palms, pretending you\u0027re hiding stigmata.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/what_xkcd_means.png", "title": "What xkcd Means", "day": "8" }, { "month": "1", "num": 208, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Regular Expressions", "transcript": "Narrator: Whenever I learn a new skill I concoct elaborate fantasy scenarios where it lets me save the day.\nWoman: Oh no! The killer must have followed her on vacation!\n[[Woman points to computer]]\nWoman: But to find them we\u0027d need to search through 200MB of emails looking for something formatted like an address!\nMan: It\u0027s hopeless!\nOffpanel voice: Everybody stand back.\nOffpanel voice: I know regular expressions.\n[[A man swings in on a rope, toward the computer]]\n\u003c\u003ctap tap\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cPERL!\u003e\u003e\n[[The man swings away, and the other characters cheer]]\n{{rollover text: Wait, forgot to escape a space. Wheeeeee[taptaptap]eeeeee.}}", "alt": "Wait, forgot to escape a space. Wheeeeee[taptaptap]eeeeee.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/regular_expressions.png", "title": "Regular Expressions", "day": "10" }, { "month": "1", "num": 209, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kayak", "transcript": "[[Person with beret in a kayak is talking to person on pier.]]\nPerson with beret: Come explore the future with me!\nPerson on pier: Huh? What\u0027s that you\u0027re in?\nPerson with beret: A two seat kayak!\nPerson on pier: I see, but why do you have it?\nPerson with beret: We\u0027ll find out! The future is a big place!\nPerson on pier: So the kayak travels through time?\nPerson with beret: Sure! Just like everything else! It also goes over water. Come on!\n{{title text: Man, there\u0027s future *everywhere*.}}", "alt": "Man, there\u0027s future *everywhere*.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kayak.png", "title": "Kayak", "day": "12" }, { "month": "1", "num": 210, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "90\u0027s Flowchart", "transcript": "Start\n |\nThe 90\u0027s?\n \n \\\nNo Yes\n | |\nStop Stop\n \n \\\nHammertime Collaborate\n |\n Listen\n{{alt: Freestyle rapping is basically applied Markov chains.}}", "alt": "Freestyle rapping is basically applied Markov chains.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/90s_flowchart.png", "title": "90\u0027s Flowchart", "day": "15" }, { "month": "1", "num": 211, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hamster Ball Heist", "transcript": "Person 1: You know that giant hamster ball you\u0027ve always wanted? I just found out that Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips crowd-surfs in one.\nPerson 2: Let\u0027s go.\n\nSome Weeks Later ...\n[[Wayne Coyne is, in fact, crowd-surfing in a giant hamster ball.]]\nPerson: Ready?\nFriends: Ready.\n\nPerson: Now!\n\u003c\u003cshove\u003e\u003e\n[[People on both sides shove the crowd out of the way, causing Coyne in his ball to fall to the ground.]]\nWayne Coyne: Hey!\n\nPerson: Okay, push!\n[[Person and friends start pushing the ball away, as the crowd looks on.]]\n\n[[Some roll him up the ramp into the back of a semi, while others hold the crowd back and one stands by to drive.]]\nWayne Coyne: Help!\n\n[[The truck drives off, leaving the audience in a cloud of dust.]]\n\n{{Title text: First person to bring me Wayne Coyne in a hamster ball gets a free t-shirt! He gets one too.}}", "alt": "First person to bring me Wayne Coyne in a hamster ball gets a free t-shirt! He gets one too.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hamster_ball_heist.png", "title": "Hamster Ball Heist", "day": "17" }, { "month": "1", "num": 212, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brain", "transcript": "My brain:\n[[Picture of Brain. Line points at a highlighted point]] Section that is devoted, no matter where I go in life, to planning the ultimate tree house*.\n*Man it would be like Swiss Family Robinson, but with multiple trees connected by... hey come up to my room and see the blue prints.\n{{title text: The rest is fear of raptors}}", "alt": "The rest is fear of raptors.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brain.png", "title": "Brain", "day": "19" }, { "month": "1", "num": 213, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ghostbusters Marathon", "transcript": "[[Two people are in a room. One is standing up. There is litter around them.]]\nStanding man: Okay, that\u0027s all the Ghostbusters marathon I can handle. Later!\nMan #2: You can\u0027t leave! We just started the animated series!\n\nStanding man: I\u0027ve had my fill. I\u0027m going home.\nMan #2: I can\u0027t let you do that.\n\n[[The man walks along a cord, and past a box. The other man clicks a switch.]]\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The standing man is bathed in some kind of aura emitted by the box.]]\n\n{{Title text: If you walk out that door you\u0027ll be crossing the Rubicon with me, and that\u0027s one stream I\u0027m not ready to cross.}}", "alt": "If you walk out that door you\u0027ll be crossing the Rubicon with me, and that\u0027s one stream I\u0027m not ready to cross.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ghostbusters_marathon.png", "title": "Ghostbusters Marathon", "day": "22" }, { "month": "1", "num": 214, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Problem with Wikipedia", "transcript": "The Problem With Wikipedia:\nTakoma Narrows Bridge\n[[Lines Lead to]] Suspension Bridge [[and]] Structural Collapse\nThree Hours of Fascinated Clicking Later\nWilliam Howard Taft\n24-Hour Analog Dial\nLesbianism in Erotica\nBatman [[leads to]] Fatal Hilarity\nTaylor Hanson\nCotton [[leads to]] T-Shirt [[leads to]] Wet T-Shirt Contest\n{{alt:\u0027Taft in a wet t-shirt contest\u0027 is the key image here}}", "alt": "\u0027Taft in a wet t-shirt contest\u0027 is the key image here.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_problem_with_wikipedia.png", "title": "The Problem with Wikipedia", "day": "24" }, { "month": "1", "num": 215, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Letting Go", "transcript": "[[A picture of a man and a woman in a heart is being held by someone, it has been ripped down the middle, separating the two people]]\n[[Man sits at computer, looking at the picture]]\n[[It is night, man still sits at computer with the picture in front of him and his head drooped]]\n[[It is day again, man types on computer]]\nText from computer: root@homebox:~# userdel megan\n{{alt text: At least I never gave her the root password.}}", "alt": "At least I never gave her the root password.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/letting_go.png", "title": "Letting Go", "day": "26" }, { "month": "1", "num": 216, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Romantic Drama Equation", "transcript": "TV Romantic Drama Equation\n(Derived during a series of \u0027Queer as Folk\u0027 episodes)\n[[A table shows equations for possible romantic pairings in a TV show. The equation under \"gay\" is n(n-1)\n2+x(x-n); the equation under \"straight\" is x(n-x).]]\nx: Number of male (or female) cast members.\nn: total number of cast members.\n[[A graph plots pairings (for large casts) against cast makeup. Each of the above equations forms a curve.\n\"Gay cast\" starts high for an all male cast, dips down at 50\n50 cast makeup, and then rises again for all female.\n\"Straight cast\" starts at zero for an all male cast, peaks at 50\n50 cast makeup, and then drops to zero again for an all female cast.\nThe two curves intersect at two points close to the middle.]]\n\n{{Title text: Real-life prospective-pairing curves over things like age can get depressing.}}", "alt": "Real-life prospective-pairing curves over things like age can get depressing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/romantic_drama_equation.png", "title": "Romantic Drama Equation", "day": "29" }, { "month": "1", "num": 217, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "e to the pi Minus pi", "transcript": "Person: Hey, check it out: e^pi-pi is 19.999099979. That\u0027s weird.\nHat Guy: Yeah. That\u0027s how I got kicked out of the ACM in college.\nPerson: . . . what?\nHat Guy: During a competition, I told the programmers on our team that e^pi-pi was a standard test of floating-point handlers--it would come out to 20 unless they had rounding errors.\nPerson: That\u0027s awful.\nHat Guy: Yeah, they dug through half their algorithms looking for the bug before they figured it out.\n{{alt text: Also, I hear the 4th root of (9^2 + 19^2\n22) is pi.", "alt": "Also, I hear the 4th root of (9^2 + 19^2/22) is pi.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/e_to_the_pi_minus_pi.png", "title": "e to the pi Minus pi", "day": "31" }, { "month": "2", "num": 218, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nintendo Surgeon", "transcript": "{{Headline: Scary Thought #137: The NES came out over two decades ago. Those kids are all grown-ups now.}}\n[[Two surgeons are in an operating room, leaning over a patient]]\nFirst Surgeon: He\u0027s going into cardiac arrest. Stand by for defibrillation.\nSecond Surgeon: Wait. First let\u0027s try taking out the heart, blowing into the ventricles, and putting it back in.\n{{title text: Scary thought #138: Raptors coming down the waterslide behind me.}}", "alt": "Scary thought #138: Raptors coming down the waterslide behind me.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nintendo_surgeon.png", "title": "Nintendo Surgeon", "day": "2" }, { "month": "2", "num": 219, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blanket Fort", "transcript": "[[Two girls are talking with each other. There is a fort made of cushions and blankets on the left]]\nFirst Girl: Like my fort? It uses every blanket and cushion in the apartment.\nSecond Girl: Okay, no offense, but this is like that ball pit you made -- Cute, but don\u0027t you worry you\u0027re clinging to childhood games because you\u0027re afraid of change?\nFirst Girl: No. I\u0027m happy to grow up. But I won\u0027t pretend fun things aren\u0027t still fun out of fear of looking silly.\nSecond Girl: But you\u0027re 24 and building blanket forts. How have you changed? What\u0027s adult about that?\nFirst Girl: Well, there\u0027s my boyfriend curled up in the back.\nSecond Girl: ...Ah.\nBoyfriend [[from inside the fort]]:Excuse my shyness. I\u0027m not exactly dressed.\n{{alt text: Also, we have a fort out in the woods where we stashed that hooker\u0027s body.}}", "alt": "Also, we have a fort out in the woods where we stashed that hooker\u0027s body.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blanket_fort.png", "title": "Blanket Fort", "day": "5" }, { "month": "2", "num": 220, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Philosophy", "transcript": "[[Girl sits on chair, thinking]]\n[[Two panels pass, the girl does not move]]\nGirl: If the question of what it all means doesn\u0027t mean anything, why do I keep coming back to it?\n[[Two boys are talking to each other]]\nFirst boy: She\u0027s getting existential again.\nSecond boy: It\u0027s okay, I have a super soaker.\n[[Second boy pulls a large super soaker from a drawer]]\n{{title text: It\u0027s like the squirt bottle we use with the cat.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s like the squirt bottle we use with the cat.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/philosophy.png", "title": "Philosophy", "day": "7" }, { "month": "2", "num": 221, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Random Number", "transcript": "int getRandomNumber()\n{\n return 4; \n chosen by fair dice roll.\n \n guarenteed to be random.\n}\n{{title text: RFC 1149.5 specifies 4 as the standard IEEE-vetted random number.}}", "alt": "RFC 1149.5 specifies 4 as the standard IEEE-vetted random number.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/random_number.png", "title": "Random Number", "day": "9" }, { "month": "2", "num": 222, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Small Talk", "transcript": "Sometimes I forget how to do small talk.\n[[Two people are talking to each other]]\nFirst person: Hey!\nSecond person: Hey, man!\nFirst person: What\u0027s up? How\u0027ve you been?\nSecond person: Well...\n[[Nothing happens]]\n[[Nothing happens]]\n[[Nothing happens]]\nFirst person: Uh, you okay?\nSecond person: Yeah! It\u0027s just an interesting question. I\u0027m trying to decide what best sums up my -\nFirst person: \u003c\u003cSNAP\u003e\u003e Hey, conversation.\nSecond person: Oh, right. I\u0027m fine. You?\n{{title text: But surely I owe you an accurate answer!}}", "alt": "But surely I owe you an accurate answer!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/small_talk.png", "title": "Small Talk", "day": "12" }, { "month": "2", "num": 223, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Valentine\u0027s Day", "transcript": "{{Valentine\u0027s Day}}\n[[There is a large, shaded, red heart.]]\n{{Because love isn\u0027t quite complicated enough as it is.}}\n{{alt: One of these days me and Joey Comeau will get around to subverting hetero-normative paradigm and fixing all this.}}", "alt": "One of these days me and Joey Comeau will get around to subverting the hetero-normative paradigm and fixing all this.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/valentines_day.jpg", "title": "Valentine\u0027s Day", "day": "14" }, { "month": "2", "num": 224, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lisp", "transcript": "[[Floating in space]]\nSpeaker: Last night I drifted off while reading a Lisp book.\nStick Figure Man: Huh?\nSpeaker: Suddenly, I was bathed in a suffusion of blue.\n[[Floating in space before a vast concept tree]]\nSpeaker: At once, just like they said, I felt a great enlightenment. I saw the naked structure of Lisp code unfold before me.\nStick Figure Man: My God\nStick Figure Man: It\u0027s full of \u0027car\u0027s\nSpeaker: The patterns and metapatterns danced. Syntax faded, and I swam in the purity of quantified conception. Of ideas manifest.\nTruly, this was the language from which the gods wrought the Universe.\n[[Floating in space with God appearing through a line of clouds]]\nGod: No, it\u0027s not.\nStick Figure Man: It\u0027s not?\nGod: I mean, ostensibly, yes. Honestly, we hacked most of it together with Perl.\n{{Alt Text: We lost the documentation on quantum mechanics. You\u0027ll have to decode the regexes yourself.}}", "alt": "We lost the documentation on quantum mechanics. You\u0027ll have to decode the regexes yourself.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lisp.jpg", "title": "Lisp", "day": "16" }, { "month": "2", "num": 225, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Open Source", "transcript": "[[A man with much facial hair is sleeping on a bed.]]\n[[Suddenly, two ninjas jump through the skylight.]]\nNinja 1: Richard Stallman! Your viral open source licenses have grown too powerful.\nNinja 1: The GPL must be stopped.\nNinja 1: At the source.\nNinja 1: You.\n[[Richard Stallman wakes up immediately, and pulls his katana out of its sheath from under his bed]]\nRichard Stallman: Hah! Microsoft lackeys! So it has come to this!\nRichard Stallman: A night of blood I\u0027ve long awaited. But be this my death or yours, free software will carry on! For a GNU dawn! For freedom! ... hey, where are you going?\n[[The ninja step out the window]]\nNinja 1: Man, you\u0027re right, that never gets old.\nNinja 2: Let\u0027s do Eric S. Raymond next.\nNinja 1: Or Linus Torvalds. I hear he sleeps with nunchucks.\n[[Comic alt text: Later we\u0027ll dress up like Big Oil thugs and jump Ralph Nader.]]", "alt": "Later we\u0027ll dress up like Big Oil thugs and jump Ralph Nader.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/open_source.png", "title": "Open Source", "day": "19" }, { "month": "2", "num": 226, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Swingset", "transcript": "[[Woman talking to boy on swing-set]]\nWoman: You know, at the peak of a big swing, you become weightless.\n[[Thought bubble from boy on swing-set]]\n[[Boy swings higher and higher. At the peak of a big swing he shoves off the swing. The boy remains hovering in the air.]]\nBoy: Hey guys. Come check this out.\n{{title text: Someone bring me a pocket fan so I can drift around the yard.}}", "alt": "Someone bring me a pocket fan so I can drift around the yard.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/swingset.png", "title": "Swingset", "day": "21" }, { "month": "2", "num": 227, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Color Codes", "transcript": "[[Man holding cell phone talks to a man at a desk littered with objects]]\nMan with phone: Hey, what\u0027s your cell number?\nMan at desk: (Violet Brown Gray) - Uh, I mean, (718)-387-6962.\nMan with phone: Okay, you are putting down those resistors and going outside for a while.\nMan at desk: That\u0027s probably a good idea.\n{{title text: (It\u0027s the TMBG Dial-a-Song line, to save you some time.)}}", "alt": "(It\u0027s the TMBG Dial-a-Song line, to save you some time.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/color_codes.png", "title": "Color Codes", "day": "23" }, { "month": "2", "num": 228, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Resonance", "transcript": "[[A person is sitting at a desk, which is vibrating.]]\n\u003c\u003cclatter clatter\u003e\u003e\n[[He leans back and turns to face someone sitting at another desk behind him.]]\nPerson 1: Excuse me--you\u0027re jiggling your leg up and down. It\u0027s traveling through the floor and making my desk resonate.\nPerson 2: Oh, I didn\u0027t even realize! I\u0027ll stop.\n[[The first person passes a sheet of paper to the second person.]]\nPerson 1: Actually, can you just shift the frequency up by 15%? I think you can get resonance with Steve\u0027s desk instead.\nPerson 2: Uh huh . . .\nPerson 1: Here are the calculations. Let\u0027s coordinate and try to spill his drink.\n{{alt text: It\u0027s really hard to control the frequency, actually.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s really hard to control the frequency, actually.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/resonance.png", "title": "Resonance", "day": "26" }, { "month": "2", "num": 229, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Graffiti", "transcript": "[[A guy sits on a toilet in a bathroom. The stall sidewalll next to him is covered in graffiti--\"you suck,\" \"Mike sucks cock,\" \"Cunt,\" \"dane was here\" stuck through and \"dane is a fag\" written under it. One block of graffiti is salient:]]\n\"This graffitii is\nfleeting human contact\nboth of us lost,\nbut for a moment\nwe\u0027re lost together.\nI wonder who you are.\"\nSubtitle: I think I look for meaning in the wrong places sometimes.\n{{title-text: FOR AN INTRIGUING TIME CALL}}", "alt": "FOR AN INTRIGUING TIME CALL", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/graffiti.png", "title": "Graffiti", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 230, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hamiltonian", "transcript": "[[Classroom]]\nLecturer: And therefore, based on the existence of a Hamiltonian path, we can prove that the routing algorithm gives the optimal result in all cases.\nMan: Oh my God.\n[[Close-up of Man]]\n(Out of frame): What? What is it?\nMan: A sudden rush of perspective. What am I doing here? Life is so much bigger than this!\n\n[[Man Running out of Room]]\nMan: I have to go.\n[[Man enters darkened room, where woman waits by window.]]\n[[Man and woman embrace...]]\n\n[[...and get into bed.]]\n[[A heart appears over the supine bodies]]\nWoman: Ohh...\n[[Hands \u003c\u003cgrip\u003e\u003e]]\nMan (out of frame): Wait a moment.\nWoman (out of frame): What is it?\n[[Silence]]\nMan (out of frame): His proof only holds if there\u0027s a Hamiltonian _cycle_ as well as a path!\nWoman (out of frame): ...excuse me?\nMan (out of frame): Paper, I need some paper.\nMan (out of frame): Hey, do you mind if I jot down some notes on your chest?\n{{title text: The problem with perspective is that it\u0027s bidirectional}}", "alt": "The problem with perspective is that it\u0027s bidirectional.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hamiltonian.png", "title": "Hamiltonian", "day": "2" }, { "month": "3", "num": 231, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cat Proximity", "transcript": "[[a graph is drawn, x-axis: \"human proximity to cat\" from far to near]]\n[[a curve labeled intelligence veering downwards]]\n[[a curve labeled inanity of statements veering upwards]]\n[[a man standing far from a kitten]]\n[[a man standing closer to a kitten]]\n[[a man standing next to a kitten]]\nMan: You\u0027re a kitty!\n{{alt-text: Yes you are! And you\u0027re sitting there! Hi, kitty!}}", "alt": "Yes you are! And you\u0027re sitting there! Hi, kitty!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cat_proximity.png", "title": "Cat Proximity", "day": "5" }, { "month": "3", "num": 232, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Chess Enlightenment", "transcript": "Narrator: Why is chess so hard? Maybe the answers lie within me. Maybe I just need to let go, relax, and let my instincts and subconscious speak.\n\u003c\u003cMeditate\u003e\u003e\nNarrator\u0027s Subconscious: Knight to G-4\n\nNarrator: That\u0027s not even a legal move.\nNarrator\u0027s Subconscious: Okay, hold on. How do the pawns capture, again?\nNarrator: Man, Obi-Wan was full of crap.\n{{title text: You know that \u0027sweep the pieces off the board and see it in your mind\u0027 thing? Doesn\u0027t work.}}", "alt": "You know that \u0027sweep the pieces off the board and see it in your mind\u0027 thing? Doesn\u0027t work.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chess_enlightenment.png", "title": "Chess Enlightenment", "day": "7" }, { "month": "3", "num": 233, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "A New CAPTCHA Approach", "transcript": "To complete your web registration, please prove that you\u0027re human:\nWhen Littlefoot\u0027s mother died in the original `Land Before Time\u0027, did you feel sad?\n[[radio button]] Yes\n[[radio button]] No\n(Bots: no lying)", "alt": "They\u0027d use that Futurama episode with Fry\u0027s dog, but even spambots cry at that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/a_new_captcha_approach.png", "title": "A New CAPTCHA Approach", "day": "9" }, { "month": "3", "num": 234, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Escape Artist", "transcript": "[[One man sits before a computer on a desk while another stands behind him.]]\nStanding Man: I was fascinated by locks as a kid. I loved how they turned information and patterns into physical strength.\nSitting Man: Why does my script keep dying?\n[[Closeup of the man on the man sitting at the computer]]\nStanding Man: And a lock invites you to try and open it. It\u0027s the hacker instinct. Only your ignorance stands in the way.\nSitting Man: Wait it\u0027s passing bad strings.\n[[Returns to the two shot of both men]]\nStanding Man: I admired Harry Houdini, how he could open any lock and free himself from any restraint. \nSitting Man: Ah - Bash is parsing the spaces.\nStanding Man: Sure some of it was fakery and showmanship. But I still wonder how he so consistently escaped handcuffs.\nSitting Man: Backslashes\nStanding Man: Huh?\nSitting Man: Never mind. \n{{Alt: Easier to escape: n-layered nested quotes or an iron maiden?}}", "alt": "Easier to escape: n-layered nested quotes or an iron maiden?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/escape_artist.png", "title": "Escape Artist", "day": "12" }, { "month": "3", "num": 235, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kite", "transcript": "[[A man readies a kite]]\n[[The man starts to fly the kite]]\n[[The man continues to fly the kite]]\n[[The man ties the kite string to a tree]]\n[[The man grabs the string]]\n[[The man starts to climb the string]]\n[[A scene showing the man holding onto the string at a high altitude, against a colour backdrop of the ground, clouds, water and the sky]]\n[[Black and white again. A woman comes into view holding onto a small blimp]]\nMan\u0027s thought bubble: Hey, there\u0027s someone else up here. I wonder what her story is.\n[[Woman floats to the other side of the panel]]\nMan\u0027s thought bubble: Maybe I should say hi.\n[[The man is alone holding onto the string]]\n{{title text: It\u0027s easy to regret your awkward conversations but hard to regret the ones you didn\u0027t have}}", "alt": "It\u0027s easy to regret your awkward conversations but hard to regret the ones you didn\u0027t have.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kite.jpg", "title": "Kite", "day": "14" }, { "month": "3", "num": 236, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Collecting Double-Takes", "transcript": "[[A man is standing in the middle of the produce aisle in a supermarket, holding a tube of K-Y Jelly in one hand, the other on his chin. The signs read \"Bananas\" \"Apples\" \"Oranges\" and \"Zucchini\" from left to right.]] \nMY HOBBY: Standing in the supermarket\u0027s produce section holding a tube of K-Y Jelly, looking contemplative.\n{{Title Text: Fun Game: find a combination of two items that most freaks out the cashier. Winner: pregnancy test and single coat hanger.}}", "alt": "Fun game: find a combination of two items that most freaks out the cashier. Winner: pregnancy test and single coat hanger.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/collecting_double_takes.png", "title": "Collecting Double-Takes", "day": "16" }, { "month": "3", "num": 237, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Keyboards are Disgusting", "transcript": "{{title text: Keyboards are Disgusting}}\n[[A Man sits at his computer, chatting with some other person.]]\nChat: Wanna see an optical illusion? Hold your keyboard up in front of you and look at the home row.\n[[The man holds the keyboard in front of him.]]\nChat: Now cross your eyes a little so the \u0027g\u0027 and \u0027h\u0027 overlap.\nChat: Keeping focus, lift the keyboard over your head.\n[[The man lifts the keyboard over his head still looking at the keyboard]]\n[[Tiny parts of dust and skin particles fall in the man\u0027s face]]\nMan: Eww!\nChat: Haha", "alt": "Alternate method: convince them to pretend it\u0027s an Etch-a-Sketch and try to erase it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/keyboards_are_disgusting.png", "title": "Keyboards are Disgusting", "day": "19" }, { "month": "3", "num": 238, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pet Peeve #114", "transcript": "[[Figure reading a book in a chair]]\n{{Pet peeve #114:}}\nVoice on the phone: Really? What are you doing reading? It\u0027s Saturday night!\n{{Alt text: I\u0027m reading a goddamn book, thank you very much.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m reading a goddamn book, thank you very much.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pet_peeve_114.png", "title": "Pet Peeve #114", "day": "21" }, { "month": "3", "num": 239, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blagofaire", "transcript": "Man in Red Cape and Goggles: Hey, it worked!\nMan: What? Who are you?\nMan in Red Cape and Goggles: I\u0027m from the distant future.\nMan: Wow. Hi!\nMan in Red Cape and Goggles: Are you a blogger? I play one of you at our festivals!\nMan: Huh?\nMan in Red Cape and Goggles: Like the ren faires of your time - I do reenactments.\nMan in Red Cape and Goggles: We relive the days when the internet was new and free. The days of risky sharing, slashdot, the myspace music renaissance. The generation\u0027s finest minds meeting on comment threads, battling roving bands of trolls, and holding the great dialogues of the age!\nMan: Is that how you -\nMan in Red Cape and Goggles: We\u0027re fuzzy on some details. Did bloggers really wear red capes and goggles and blog from high-altitude balloons?\nMan: No!\nMan: Well, Cory Doctorow does. But nobody else.\n{{Title Text: Things were better before the Structuring and the Levels.}}", "alt": "Things were better before the Structuring and the Levels.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blagofaire.png", "title": "Blagofaire", "day": "23" }, { "month": "3", "num": 240, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dream Girl", "transcript": "Man 1: I had a dream that I met a girl in a dying world.\nIt was all coming apart. Hairline cracks in reality widened to yawning chasms. Everything was going dark and light all at once, and there was a sound like breaking waves rising into a piercing scream at the edge of hearing. I knew we didn\u0027t have long together.\nShe grabbed me and spoke a stream of numbers into my ear. Then it all went away.\n[[A girl grabs him as the edges of the panel crack and tear]]\nI woke up. The memory of the apocalypse faded to mere fancy, but the numbers burned bright in my mind. I wrote them down right away.\n[[A note reads: 42.39561 -71.13051 2007 09 23 14 38 00]]\nThey were coordinates. A place and a time, neither one too far away.\nMan 1: What else could I do? When the day came, I went to the spot and waited.\nMan 2: ...and?\nMan 1: It turns out wanting something doesn\u0027t make it real.\n{{Alt-text: No matter how elaborately you fool yourself.}}", "alt": "No matter how elaborately you fool yourself.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dream_girl.png", "title": "Dream Girl", "day": "26" }, { "month": "3", "num": 241, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Battle Room", "transcript": "[[A scene is depicted from the Battle Room of the novel Ender\u0027s Game by Orson Scott Card. The men are floating in a room with random cubes.]]\nDink: Sorry, Ender - seems like there were some system crashes. The battle\u0027s gotta be cut short.\nEnder: The lasers still work.\nDink: Yeah, but the enemy\u0027s gate is down.\n{{Title Text: Bean actually sabotaged it just to give Dink the excuse to make that joke.}}", "alt": "Bean actually sabotaged it just to give Dink the excuse to make that joke.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/battle_room.png", "title": "Battle Room", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 242, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Difference", "transcript": "[[A man pulls a lever.]]\n\u003c\u003cPull\u003e\u003e\n[[Lightning hits the man.]]\n\u003c\u003cZAP\u003e\u003e\n[[The man still stands, obviously battered]]\n[[Arrow labeled \"Normal Person\"]]\nThinks: I guess I shouldn\u0027t do that.\n[[Arrow labeled \"Scientist\"]]\nThinks: I wonder if that happens every time.\n[[He reaches for the lever again.]]\n{{ alt: How could you choose avoiding a little pain over understanding a magic lightning machine? }}", "alt": "How could you choose avoiding a little pain over understanding a magic lightning machine?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_difference.png", "title": "The Difference", "day": "30" }, { "month": "4", "num": 243, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Appropriate Term", "transcript": "[[A diagram of a TrackPoint pointer on a keyboard, under which is a continuity line labeled \"Tone of Conversation-Formal to Informal.\" There are four boxes under this line]]\nNarrator: How to refer to the pointer thing on laptop keyboards\nVery formal: TrackPoint(tm)-style pointer\nFormal: Nub\nInformal: Nipple mouse\nVery informal: Clit mouse\n{{title text: I know a lot of people hate these, but I prefer them to touchpads}}", "alt": "I know a lot of people hate these, but I prefer them to touchpads.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/appropriate_term.png", "title": "Appropriate Term", "day": "2" }, { "month": "4", "num": 244, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tabletop Roleplaying", "transcript": "[[Four people sit around a table]]\nDM: Your party enters the tavern.\nPlayer: I gather everyone around a table. I have the elves start whittling dice and get out some parchment for character sheets.\nDM: Hey, no recursing.\n{{title-text: I may have also tossed one of a pair of teleportation rings into the ocean, with interesting results.}}", "alt": "I may have also tossed one of a pair of teleportation rings into the ocean, with interesting results.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tabletop_roleplaying.png", "title": "Tabletop Roleplaying", "day": "4" }, { "month": "4", "num": 245, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Floor Tiles", "transcript": "[[Two characters walk on a floor tiled in black and white.]]\nFirst: Why are you walking funny?\n[[Second panel consists of second character\u0027s thought cloud in which the second character points to an easel mounted diagram of the floor tile pattern]]\nSecond, thinking: Well, my instinct is to step only on black tiles, but they\u0027re too far apart. So I\u0027m letting myself walk on the tiles directly in line with the black ones, but that means that when we walk diagonally, I have to step in a pattern where...\n[[Returns to situation in first panel]]\nSecond: I\u0027m not walking funny.\n{{title-text: The worst part is when sidewalk cracks are out-of-sync with your natural stride.}}", "alt": "The worst part is when sidewalk cracks are out-of-sync with your natural stride.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/floor_tiles.png", "title": "Floor Tiles", "day": "6" }, { "month": "4", "num": 246, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Labyrinth Puzzle", "transcript": "[[Three guards with spears stand in front of three doors. A man wearing a hat and another man stand in front of the guards]]\nMan with hat: And over here we have the labyrinth guards. One always lies, one always tells the truth, and one stabs people who ask tricky questions.\n{{title text: And the whole setup is just a trap to capture escaping logicians. None of the doors actually lead out.}}", "alt": "And the whole setup is just a trap to capture escaping logicians. None of the doors actually lead out.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/labyrinth_puzzle.png", "title": "Labyrinth Puzzle", "day": "9" }, { "month": "4", "num": 247, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Factoring the Time", "transcript": "[[One man is sitting at a computer. Another man is sitting at a separate desk. There is a clock which reads 2:53]]\nMan at desk: 253 is 11x23\nMan at computer: What?\nMan at desk: I\u0027m factoring the time.\nMan at desk: I have nothing to do, so I\u0027m trying to calculate the prime factors of the time each minute before it changes.\nMan at desk: It was easy when I started at 1:00, but with each hour the number gets bigger\nMan at desk: I wonder how long I can keep up.\n[[Man at desk reaches back and touches the clock]] \u003c\u003cbeep\u003e\u003e [[Clock now reads 14:53]]\nMan at desk: Hey!\nMan at computer: Think fast.\n{{alt text: I occasionally do this with mile markers on the highway.}}", "alt": "I occasionally do this with mile markers on the highway.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/factoring_the_time.png", "title": "Factoring the Time", "day": "11" }, { "month": "4", "num": 248, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hypotheticals", "transcript": "Beret Guy: What if I had some ice cream? Wouldn\u0027t that be awesome?\nPerson: No, stop--\nBeret Guy (thinking):\n Person: Great, you\u0027ve trapped us in a a hypothetical situation!\n Beret Guy (holding ice cream): Mm, ice cream.\n Person: Maybe if I had a knife I could cut our way free . . .\n Person (thinking):\n Beret Guy: Mmm, ice cream!\n Person (reaching back into previous thought bubble): Here, take this one.\n{{alt: What if someone broke out of a hypothetical situation in your room right now?}}", "alt": "What if someone broke out of a hypothetical situation in your room right now?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hypotheticals.png", "title": "Hypotheticals", "day": "13" }, { "month": "4", "num": 249, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Chess Photo", "transcript": "[[Friend 2 sits at a desk with glue, chess pieces, and a chessboard while Friend 1 looks over his shoulder.]]\nFriend 1: What are you doing?\nFriend 2: Gluing down chess pieces.\nFriend 1: Why?\nFriend 2: Because there\u0027s a picture I\u0027ve always wanted... I\u0027ll need your coat to sneak this onto the ride.\n[[A photograph of a roller coaster ride with Friend 2 sitting in the first car, chin in the hand, thinking over the chessboard. The photograph has \"Mega Coaster 3000 souvenir photo\" written on the margin.]]\n{{alt text: We once tried playing blindfold chess on the Aerosmith ride at Disney World.}}", "alt": "We once tried playing blindfold chess on the Aerosmith ride at Disney World.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chess_photo.png", "title": "Chess Photo", "day": "16" }, { "month": "4", "num": 250, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Snopes", "transcript": "Another urban legend? You should check out Snopes before sending me this stuff.\nOops; yeah.\nMan, Snopes is really great--independent fact-checkers trawling our collective discourse, filtering out misinformation.\nYeah, but they have their dark side. The couple that runs snopes.com also runs a network of spam servers that start many of those forwarded stories in the first place, ensuring they\u0027ll always have business.\nThat\u0027s absurd. Plus, it\u0027s definitely not true--it was debunked by...\nYes?\n... Oh my God.\nalt text: The MythBusters are even more sinister.", "alt": "The MythBusters are even more sinister.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snopes.png", "title": "Snopes", "day": "18" }, { "month": "4", "num": 251, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "CD Tray Fight", "transcript": "[[A stick figure is standing, holding a CD tray which is half-in his computer. There are other CDs on the floor.]]\nStick Figure: Hey. Hey! Stop retracting my CD!\n[[Label: I feel uncomfortable when my computer physically struggles with me. Sure, I can overpower it _now_, but it feels like a few short steps from here to the robot wars.]]\n{{alt text: This is silly, of course. The enemy will be born in the network.}}", "alt": "This is silly, of course. The enemy will be born in the network.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cd_tray_fight.png", "title": "CD Tray Fight", "day": "20" }, { "month": "4", "num": 252, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Escalators", "transcript": "Graph with y axis titled \"Urge to try running up the down escalator\", with \"weak\" by the bottom and \"strong\" by the top. x axis has every two years labeled and every year signified by a smaller mark, which stops at 24. A red line with \"What I was supposed to feel\" with points at every line rises, peaks at 7 years old, then falls \"tangent graph\" shaped until the end. Along this line are shown various stick-figures at 12, 14, 20 and 24. A second red line runs \"What I\u0027ve actually felt\" which stays consistently high.\n{{alt text: The one time I tried, I got hit by a slinky going down at double speed.}}", "alt": "The one time I tried, I got hit by a slinky going down at double speed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/escalators.png", "title": "Escalators", "day": "23" }, { "month": "4", "num": 253, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Highway Engineer Pranks", "transcript": "Highway Engineer Pranks:\n[[Each panel depicts a highway intersection.]]\nThe Inescapable Cloverleaf:\n[[Roads lead onto the rings for each leaf, but then are trapped in the circles. Minor roads also allow travel between the rings.]]\n\nThe Zero-Choice Interchange:\n[[On and off-ramps exist, but they lead back to the same lane they disconnected from.]]\n\nThe Rotary Supercollider:\n[[The roads lead into a traffic circle, and then a loop reverses the direction of flow so all the roads run into each other.]]\n\n{{Title text: Prank #11: Boston}}", "alt": "Prank #11: Boston", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/highway_engineer_pranks.png", "title": "Highway Engineer Pranks", "day": "25" }, { "month": "4", "num": 254, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Comic Fragment", "transcript": "Editor\u0027s Note: Mr. Monroe has been missing for several days. We have received no submissions from him for some time, but we found this single panel on his desk in a folder labeled \u0027MY BEST IDEA EVER\u0027 . It is clearly part of a work in progress, but we have decided to post it in lieu of a complete comic.\n[[Single panel illustration in color with one small panel embedded within, showing a zoomed-in version of Janeane Garafolo on a motorcycle. The background is a gray landscape beneath a falling space station, a large volcano with smoke rising the only discernible feature of the landscape below.]]\nAs the damaged space station fell deeper into the atmosphere and started to break up around her, Janeane Garafolo tightened her grip on the motorcycle.\nThe volcano was looming ahead, and her tranquilizer pistol only had six darts left - barely enough to bring down even ONE tyrannosaur. \n{{Title Text: No one wants an explanation more than us. Except Ms. Garafolo.}}", "alt": "No one wants an explanation more than us. Except Ms. Garofalo.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/comic_fragment.jpg", "title": "Comic Fragment", "day": "27" }, { "month": "4", "num": 255, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Subjectivity", "transcript": "[tall slide, seen from the ground]\nWhen I was a kid, my school playground had a really tall slide that always made me nervous\n[tall slide, seen from the side]\nWe moved away, but the slide stuck in my memory, becoming a skyscraping monster\n[car and a sign pointing to school zone]\nYears later, I was passing through my old town and remembered the playground\nI drove to the school to see the slide that my inner six-year-old thought was so towering\n[huge slide, (small) person beside it]\nAND IT WAS HUGE\nI KNEW IT\n{{title text: Or maybe the slide is like Aslan, and gets taller as I do (except without the feeling of discomfort when I reach my teens and suddenly get the Christ stuff)}}", "alt": "Or maybe the slide is like Aslan, and gets taller as I do (except without the feeling of discomfort when I reach my teens and suddenly get the Christ stuff.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/subjectivity.png", "title": "Subjectivity", "day": "30" }, { "month": "5", "num": 256, "link": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_communities.png", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Online Communities", "transcript": "[[Hand-drawn fantasy style map with land and sea areas representing populations of online communities. Each area or item is labeled.]]\nMap Title Text: Map of Online Communities and related points of interest. Geographic area represents estimated size of membership\nMap Disclaimer Text: Not a complete survey. Sizes based on best figures I could find but involved some guesswork. Do not use for navigation.\nLand Area Labels: The Icy North (Yahoo, Windows Live), AOL, Reunion dot com, Classmates dot com, E-harmony, Faceparty, QWGHLM, Yahoo Games, Mountains of Web 1.0, The Lonely Island, MySpace, Attractive MySpace Pages, The Series of Tubes, Myspace Bands, WOW, Lineage, Second Life, Third Life, UO, EQ, FPXI, 2channel, 4chan, LJ, Xanga, Orkut, Cyworld, Blurty, OK Cupid, Facebook, Piczo, The Compass-Rose-Shaped Island, Broadcaster, Flickr, Last.fm, DeviantArt, Isle of Slash, Numa, Digg, Fark, Reddit, Your Base, Soviet Russia, \n. (slashdot), Spaaarta (YTMND), StumbleUpon, Del.icio.us, The Blogipelago, Sulawesi, Technocrati, BoingBoing, Huntingdon Post, Gays of Web 2.0, The Wikipedia project, MIT, Engadget, Gizmodo, Usenet, XY Singles, MAKE Blog, IRC Isles, Sourceforge.\nSea Area Labels: NOOB Sea, Gulf of YouTube, Bay of Angst, Sea of Culture, Ocean of Subculture, P2P Shoals, Straits of Web 2.0, Here Be Anthropomorphic Dragons, Bay of Trolls, Viral Straits, Sea of Memes, The Wet Sea\nItem Labels: Shipwreck of the SS Howard Dean, Cory Doctrow\u0027s Balloon, Stallman\u0027s airship, Google\u0027s volcano fortress\n{{Alt-text: I\u0027m waiting for the day when, if you tell someone \u0027I\u0027m from the internet\u0027, instead of laughing they just ask \u0027oh, what part?\u0027}}", "alt": "I\u0027m waiting for the day when, if you tell someone \u0027I\u0027m from the internet\u0027, instead of laughing they just ask \u0027oh, what part?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_communities_small.png", "title": "Online Communities", "day": "2" }, { "month": "5", "num": 257, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Code Talkers", "transcript": "[[A man is looking at a computer monitor and speaking into a microphone]]\nMan 1: A\u0027la\u0027ih, do\u0027neh\u0027lini,\ndo\u0027neh\u0027lini, a\u0027la\u0027ih,\ndo\u0027neh\u0027lini, a\u0027la\u0027ih,\ndo\u0027neh\u0027lini, do\u0027neh\u0027lini,\na\u0027la\u0027ih, a\u0027la\u0027ih,\ndo\u0027neh\u0027lini, a\u0027la\u0027ih,\ndo\u0027neh\u0027lini,do\u0027neh\u0027lini,\ndo\u0027neh\u0027lini ...\n[[Two men are talking nearby:]]\nMan 2: For added security, after we encrypt the data stream, we send it through our Navajo code talker.\nMan 3: ...Is he just using Navajo words for \"Zero\" and \"One\"?\nMan 2: Woah, hey, keep your voice down!\n{{alt:As far as I can tell, Navajo doesn\u0027t have a common word for \u0027zero\u0027. do-neh-lini means \u0027neutral\u0027.}}", "alt": "As far as I can tell, Navajo doesn\u0027t have a common word for \u0027zero\u0027. do-neh-lini means \u0027neutral\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/code_talkers.png", "title": "Code Talkers", "day": "4" }, { "month": "5", "num": 258, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Conspiracy Theories", "transcript": "[[Figure A:]]\nThe official story of 9-11 is full of holes. Take the --\n[[Figure B:]]\nPlease, stop, because seeing this happen to you breaks my heart.\n[[Figure B:]]\nConspiracy theories represent a known glitch in human reasoning. The theories are of course occasionally true, but their truth is completely uncorrelated with the believer\u0027s certainty. For some reason, sometimes when people think they\u0027ve uncovered a lie, they raise confirmation bias to an art form. They cut context away from facts and arguments and assemble them into reassuring litanies. And over and over I\u0027ve argued helplessly with smart people consumed by theories they were sure were irrefutable, theories that in the end proved complete fictions.\nYoung-Earth Creationists, the Moon Landing people, the Perpetual Motion subculture -- can\u0027t you see you\u0027re falling into the same pattern?\n[[Figure A:]]\nYou don\u0027t seriously believe we landed on the moon. Do you?\n[[Figure B flees]]\n[[Figure B, praying:]]\nDear God.\n[[Booming from the sky:]]\nYES MY CHILD?\n[[Figure B:]]\nI would like to file a bug report.", "alt": "There are a lot of graduate-educated young-earth creationists.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/conspiracy_theories.png", "title": "Conspiracy Theories", "day": "7" }, { "month": "5", "num": 259, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Clichd Exchanges", "transcript": "Narrator: MY HOBBY: DERAILING CLICHÉD EXCHANGES BY USING THE WRONG REPLIES\nMan 1: O RLY?\nMan 2: O RLY? I \u0027ARDLY KNOW \u0027ER!\n{{It\u0027s like they say, you gotta fight fire with clichés.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s like they say, you gotta fight fire with clich\u0026eacute;s.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cliched_exchanges.png", "title": "Clich\u0026eacute;d Exchanges", "day": "9" }, { "month": "5", "num": 260, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Glass Necklace", "transcript": "[[A man is drawing a diagram of a cylinder with electrical terminals on either end]]\n[[The man is shown at a workbench making the device in a workshop]]\n[[He kneels down on a beach and scoops up sand]]\n[[He pours the sand into the cylinder]]\n[[He ties a spool of string to one end of the cylinder, and ties a deflated weather balloon to the other end]]\n[[The weather balloon is inflated, and raised up into the clouds as thunder rumbles]]\n[[The end of the string is tied to a stake in the ground, and lightning is flashing in the background]]\n[[Lightning hits the balloon, travels through the cylinder, and fuses it\u0027s contents]]\n{{Later}}\n[[The man follows the string to find the cylinder]]\n[[He detaches it, opens it, removes a solidified piece, and admires the piece]]\n[[He takes the stone to a jeweler]]\n[[The jeweler examines, grinds, and sets the now-shining stone in a necklace]]\n[[The man approves of the final result]]\n[[He gives it to a woman]]\n{{alt: Well, for some value of \u0027actually work\u0027.}}", "alt": "Well, for some value of \u0027actually work\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_glass_necklace.png", "title": "The Glass Necklace", "day": "11" }, { "month": "5", "num": 261, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Regarding Mussolini", "transcript": "[[Three people are standing around a map. One of them is pushing something with a stick.]]\n[[A messenger arrives.]]\nMessenger: General, Italian forces have entered Egypt.\nGeneral: As I expected. This is a foolish move by Mussolini, but like Hitler he will no doubt force his commanders to --\nMessenger: Hey. Godwin\u0027s Law.\nGeneral: Dammit.\nGeneral: You know, this may become a problem.\n\n{{Title text: Constantly stopping these briefings halfway through is becoming a pain.}}", "alt": "Constantly stopping these briefings halfway through is becoming a pain.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/regarding_mussolini.png", "title": "Regarding Mussolini", "day": "14" }, { "month": "5", "num": 262, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "IN UR REALITY", "transcript": "[[Two men stand facing one another. Man on the left is wearing a hat and holding a cat and a piece of paper. Man 2 has raised his arms. There are three cats with captions stuck to them]] \nMan: Oh hi; I\u0027m here from the internet\nMan 2: What are you doing!?\nMan: Gluing captions to your cats.\n\u003c\u003crrrr\u003e\u003e\n{{Title-text: Hey, at least I ran out of staples.}}", "alt": "Hey, at least I ran out of staples.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/in_ur_reality.png", "title": "IN UR REALITY", "day": "16" }, { "month": "5", "num": 263, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Certainty", "transcript": "[[A door seen from a hallway, with \"Teachers\u0027 Lounge\" on the glass. Inside, two teachers are talking.]]\nTeacher 1: My students drew me into another political argument.\nTeacher 2: Eh; it happens.\nTeacher 1: Lately, political debates bother me. They just show how good smart people are at rationalizing.\n[[The two teachers continue talking. A third one is seen reading a book on a sofa.]]\nTeacher 1: The world is so complicated - the more I learn, the less clear anything gets. There are too many ideas and arguments to pick and choose from. How can I trust myself to know the truth about anything?\nAnd if everything I know is so shaky, what on Earth am I doing teaching?\nTeacher 2: I guess you just do your best. No one can impart perfect universal truths to their students.\nTeacher 3: \u003c\u003cahem\u003e\u003e\nTeacher 2: ...Except math teachers.\nTeacher 3: Thank you.\n{{alt text: a(b+c)=(ab)+(ac). Politicize that, bitches.}}", "alt": "a(b+c)=(ab)+(ac). Politicize that, bitches.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/certainty.png", "title": "Certainty", "day": "18" }, { "month": "5", "num": 264, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Choices: Part 1", "transcript": "[[Girl sits at desk, using computer. Refreshes page]]\n\u003c\u003c*Refresh*\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n[[Sits back and looks at monitor]]\n[[Refreshes page on computer]]\n\u003c\u003c*Refresh*\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n[[Sits back and looks at monitor]]\n[[Girl leans forward and clicks mouse]]\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n[[A hole opens up in the panel. It appears to be the torn paper of the comic itself. A blue, sky-like background is revealed. Girl jumps in surprise, nearly tipping over the chair]]\n[[Girl stands up as the chair falls over completely.]]\n[[Wide view. The girl looks back at the door furtively]]\n[[She begins to climb into the hole]]\n[[By now the girl is entirely inside the hole. She is closing it behind her]]\n[[Only her head and arms are visible]]\n[[The hole is closed, revealing a formation of ripped paper.]]\n{{Large frame}}\n[[She appears to be in space. Stars dot the sky and a ray of light traverses the frame horizontally. Megan is in a bubble, floating disconnectedly. Both her and bubble have become white, tinged against the backdrop]]\n{{title text: Wait, damn, I think I spotted a new email on the last refresh.}}", "alt": "Wait, damn, I think I spotted a new email on the last refresh.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/choices_part_1.jpg", "title": "Choices: Part 1", "day": "21" }, { "month": "5", "num": 265, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Choices: Part 2", "transcript": "[[A boy is doing some excercises in a book. The clock on the wall says 12:50 or 13:50.]]\n[[Book:\nChapter 15: Special Relativity\nProblem 1:\nTwo spacecraft transmit messages to each other while passing at constant velocities of...\n]]\nBoy: \u003c\u003csigh\u003e\u003e\n[[Label: Meanwhile:]]\n[[A girl in a bubble and a spacecraft are moving towards each other. Each one has a velocity vector drawn before themselves, each showing a velocity of 0.2c.]]\n[[They pass each other.]]\nSpacecraft: We observe your speed to be 38.5%c, and your time is passing at 92.3% the rate of ours. Does this mirror your observations?\nGirl: Please help me. I think I\u0027m lost.\n[[They continue with the same velocity vectors. The girl is looking back at the spacecraft.]]\n{{alt text: Maybe someday I\u0027ll get to write the Wikipedia article about this place! Wait, damn, original research.}}", "alt": "Maybe someday I\u0027ll get to write the Wikipedia article about this place! Wait, damn, original research.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/choices_part_2.jpg", "title": "Choices: Part 2", "day": "21" }, { "month": "5", "num": 266, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Choices: Part 3", "transcript": "[[A girl floats in a bubble against a space backdrop]]\nGirl: I should feel scared.\nBut I don\u0027t.\nMaybe this is a dream\nbut it doesn\u0027t feel like one.\nDisembodied voice: Okay, found you.\nGirl: Who are you?\nVoice: Er, hang on. This next part might be a little weird.\n[[No dialogue]]\n[[Many copies of the girl whirl around her bubble; a lightning bolt appears in the background]]\n[[All the copies have disappeared except for one]]\nCopy: Sorry -- Hi, me.\nGirl: ...Hi.\n{{Alt-text: Wait, this is space -- how are you talking to me? And, as an afterthought, what\u0027s up with the hole in reality?}}", "alt": "Wait, this is space -- how are you talking to me? And, as an afterthought, what\u0027s up with the hole in reality?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/choices_part_3.jpg", "title": "Choices: Part 3", "day": "23" }, { "month": "5", "num": 267, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Choices: Part 4", "transcript": "[[Girl in bubble, floating in outer space next to her clone]]\nClone: I shouldn\u0027t do this, but I pulled you out for a moment to give you a hint.\nGirl: A hint?\nClone: Take wrong turns. Talk to strangers. Open unmarked doors. And if you see a group of people in a field, go find out what they\u0027re doing. Do things without always knowing how they\u0027ll turn out.\nGirl: Why tell me this?\nClone: You\u0027re curious and smart and bored, and all you see is the choice between working hard and slacking off. There are so many adventures that you miss because you\u0027re waiting to think of a plan. To find them, look for tiny interesting choices. And remember that you are always making up the future as you go.\nGirl: So, wait, what *is* this place? Am I going to wake up thinking this was a dream?\nClone: This is... think of this as after the game, outside the theatre. To go in, I had to suspend disbelief, forget the outside.\nGirl: So you... Huh. Why give me hints I\u0027m going to forget?\nClone: You\u0027ll forget this trip but I think the hints should stay with you.\nGirl: ...if this is a game, are you--are *we*--cheating?\nClone: Yup.\nGirl: Is that a good idea?\nClone: Well it\u0027s an interesting one. We\u0027ll see how it goes.\nGirl: Well, I guess I\u0027ll see you aroun--Wait a minute; have you brought me here before?\nClone: I... maybe. once.\nGirl: For another hint?\nClone: Er. Actually we just made out.\nGirl: We wh--\nClone: Bye!\n{{Alt-text: Making out with yourself: now an official xkcd theme? Troubling.}}", "alt": "Making out with yourself: now an official xkcd theme? Troubling.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/choices_part_4.jpg", "title": "Choices: Part 4", "day": "24" }, { "month": "5", "num": 268, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Choices: Part 5", "transcript": "[[A girl is walking towards the right of the panel.]]\n[[A boy wearing a backpack is walking towards the left of the panel.]]\n[[They walk past each other.]]\n[[The girl has a sudden thought.]]\n[[The girl turns back and says.]]\nGirl: Hi.\nBoy: Uh, hi.\nGirl: Sorry if this is weird, but\nGirl: Do you like flying kites?\n{{alt text: I wonder what percentage of not-obviously-busy people on the street would say yes to kite-flying with a stranger. This looks like a job for Science!}}", "alt": "I wonder what percentage of not-obviously-busy people on the street would say yes to kite-flying with a stranger. This looks like a job for Science!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/choices_part_5.png", "title": "Choices: Part 5", "day": "25" }, { "month": "5", "num": 269, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "TCMP", "transcript": "[[Two guys and a girl are standing in a room, the first guy holds a keyboard.]]\nFirst guy: Hey, help me test the Transconsciousness Messaging Protocol.\nSecond guy: What\u0027s that?\nFirst guy: I\u0027ve been training myself to keep my fingers moving slightly as I fall asleep, so I can type from inside dreams.\n[[First guy sitting on his bed]]\nFirst guy: I\u0027m going to sleep now. My computer will relay my messages to you as I explore the dream world.\n[[In the dream: (first guy standing in what looks like a forest.)]]\nFirst guy: So strange to think none of this is real. And yet I have this lifeline to the internet back home.\nFirst guy: A chance to speak from one reality to another. I feel like Bell \u0026 Watson. I get to write the inaugural TCMP message. Let\u0027s see... [[types on the keyboard]]\n[[outside: (girl sitting at a computer, second guy standing behind her)]]\nGirl: \"F1rst pøst!!\"?\nSecond guy: Great. He\u0027s jumped straight to transreality trolling.\n{{title text: A big obstacle in experimenting with the mind\u0027s dream-simulation-engine is holding onto the details as you wake up. With TCMP you can bring back any information you want.}}", "alt": "A big obstacle in experimenting with the mind\u0027s dream-simulation-engine is holding onto the details as you wake up. With TCMP you can bring back any information you want.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tcmp.png", "title": "TCMP", "day": "28" }, { "month": "5", "num": 270, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Merlin", "transcript": "[[Man and woman standing by a train]]\nWoman: I\u0027m bad at goodbyes. At some level I never think they\u0027re for real.\nMan: They make me think of T. H. White\u0027s Merlin.\nWoman: Oh?\nMan: He lived backwards, remembering the future and not the past. To him, final goodbyes meant nothing, while first hellos were tearful and bittersweet.\nWoman: Huh - so over the years he\u0027d forget all his friends.\nMust\u0027ve been lonely.\nMan: Yeah. He ended up just sitting around at home watching DVDs all day. The best was the time he rented \u0027Memento\u0027...\n[[Merlin is sitting in front of a couch, watching TV]]\nMerlin: Well, that was straightforward.\n{{alt text: I mean, the black-and-white stuff was running backward, but it hardly mattered to the story.}}", "alt": "I mean, the black-and-white stuff was running backward, but it hardly mattered to the story.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/merlin.png", "title": "Merlin", "day": "30" }, { "month": "6", "num": 271, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Powers of One", "transcript": "{{Powers of One}}\n{{A mind-expanding look at our world.}}\n[[A sequence, presumably continuing endlessly in both directions, of identical images of a couple lying on a chequered blanket, with a picnic basket, on grass. Each image has a rule at the bottom giving measurements in meters, with the scale in terms of 1 to a particular power. The powers visible are the -1th (part), 0th-2nd, and 3rd (part).]]\n{{alt: It\u0027s kinda zen when you think about it, if you don\u0027t think too hard.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s kinda Zen when you think about it, if you don\u0027t think too hard.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/powers_of_one.png", "title": "Powers of One", "day": "1" }, { "month": "6", "num": 272, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Linux User at Best Buy", "transcript": "Salesman: Interested in updating your antivirus software?\nCustomer: Oh, I wouldn\u0027t need any of that.\n{{In a spiky speech bubble}}\nI RUN LINUX.\n\u003c\u003cFlip\u003e\u003e\n{{Customer does a backflip onto a motorcycle}}\n{{Customer performs a wheelie on the motorcycle}}\n{{Customer does a hard, donut turn on the motorcycle, kicking up dirt into the salesman\u0027s face}}\n{{Customer speeds off on the motorcycle, leaving the salesman in a cloud of black exhaust}}", "alt": "We actually stand around the antivirus displays with the Mac users just waiting for someone to ask.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/linux_user_at_best_buy.png", "title": "Linux User at Best Buy", "day": "4" }, { "month": "6", "num": 273, "link": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/electromagnetic_spectrum.png", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Electromagnetic Spectrum", "transcript": "((Everything is one big panel.))\n\nThe Electromagnetic Spectrum\n\nThese waves travel through the electromagnetic field. They were formerly carried by the aether, which was decommissioned in 1897 due to budget cuts.\n\nOther waves:\n- Slinky waves [[Two people hold the ends of a tangled slinky.]]\n- Sound waves [[There is a snippet of a frequency band. Between 20 Hz and 20 KHz is labeled \"Audible Sound.\" Towards the top is a line labeled \"That high-pitched noise in empty rooms.\"]]\n- The wave [[A row of people does a wave.]]\n\n[[Three parallel scales are across the bottom. The first is lambda (m), ranging from 100Mm to 100fm; second is f (Hz), which starts at 1 Hz and reaches 100 THz about 2\n3 of the way along, after which the labels read \"other entertaining greek prefixes like peta- exa- and zappa-\"; last is Q (Gal^2\nColoumb), whose labels are 17, 117, pi, 17, 42, theta, e^pi-pi, -2, 540^50, and 11^2. Above the scales and lined up accurately with the first two are the following:]]\n\n- Power \u0026 Telephone (100Mm to 1km)\n- Radio \u0026 TV (1km to somewhere between 1m and 10cm); above that are many boxes showing subranges (AM, VHF, UHF, 14\n7 NPR pledge drives, a very thin band for the space rays controlling Steve Ballmer, 99.3 \"The Fox,\" 101.5 \"The Badger,\" 106.3 \"The Frightened Squirrel,\" cell phone cancer rays, CIA, ham radio, kosher radio, shouting car dealership commercials)\n- Microwaves (a bit more than 10cm to a bit more than 1mm); it also has subranges (aliens, just below SETI, wifi, FHF, brain waves, sulawesi, gravity)\n- Toasters (about 1mm to about 100 micrometers)\n- IR (about 100 micrometers to somewhere between 1 micrometer and 1 nm); above that is a bell graph labeled \"Superman\u0027s heat vision,\" with a motorcycle driving up the left side labeled \"Jack Black\u0027s Heat Vision.\"\n- Visible light (and, under it, visible dark); above that is a bell graph labeled \"sunlight.\" There\u0027s a breakout chart above it showing the visible spectrum from 700nm (red) to 450nm (violet). There\u0027s an arrow pointing to where octarine would be, somewhere off to the side. Above that are bars showing the absorption spectra for hyrogen, helium, Depends(R) (yellow only) and Tampax(R) (red only).\n- UV (about 100nm to about 10nm)\n- Miller Light (a thin bar around 10nm)\n- An unlabeled section with a thin line above it showing the frequency of the main death star laser\n- A blocked-off portion labeled \"Censored Under Patriot Act.\"\n- X-rays (from about 1nm to about 10pm); a line above shows the frequency of mail-order x-ray glasses. Somewhere vaguely above the 10pm mark is a potato.\n- Gamma\ncosmic rays (10pm and smaller); above that is a bar marked Sinister Google Projects which also trails off into higher frequencies, and blogorays, which are slightly lower.\n\n{{Title text: Sometimes I try to picture what everything would look like if the whole spectrum were compressed into the visible spectrum. Also sometimes I try to picture your sister naked.}}", "alt": "Sometimes I try to picture what everything would look like if the whole spectrum were compressed into the visible spectrum. Also sometimes I try to picture your sister naked.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/electromagnetic_spectrum_small.png", "title": "Electromagnetic Spectrum", "day": "6" }, { "month": "6", "num": 274, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "With Apologies to The Who", "transcript": "[[Stick figure is sitting at a desk with a computer, typing]]\nMonitor: People try to shut us d-d-down \n just \u0027cause our music gets around\n[[Stick figure is standing on his chair and typing with his keyboard across his hip.]]\nMonitor: Old folks act like total noobs \n get off our net; _you_ block the tubes\n[[Stick figure is really wailing on the keyboard.]]\nMonitor: Why don\u0027t you all just d-d-disconnect \n and don\u0027t try an\u0027 grok our d-d-dialect\n[[Stick figure smashes the keyboard into the monitor.]]\nMonitor: I\u0027m not tryin\u0027 to cause a big s-s-sensation \n I\u0027m just bloggin\u0027 bout my generation\n{{alt: Trivia: Roger Daltry originally wrote \"Don\u0027t try an\u0027 Digg what we all say\u0027 but erased the second \u0027g\u0027 when he moved to reddit.}}", "alt": "Trivia: Roger Daltry originally wrote \u0027Don\u0027t try an\u0027 Digg what we all say\u0027 but erased the second \u0027g\u0027 when he moved to reddit.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/with_apologies_to_the_who.png", "title": "With Apologies to The Who", "day": "8" }, { "month": "6", "num": 275, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Thoughts", "transcript": "When meeting a girlfriend\u0027s family, I have to suppress the weirdest thoughts.\n[[A boy talking with his girlfriend\u0027s parents]]\nBoy: Hi!\nMother: Hi! It\u0027s so nice to finally meet you!\nBoy: I have licked your daughter\u0027s nipples.\n{{alt text: And now I might never get to again.}}", "alt": "And now I might never get to again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thoughts.png", "title": "Thoughts", "day": "11" }, { "month": "6", "num": 276, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fixed Width", "transcript": "[[A man, Rob, is sitting at a computer. The text is an IRC-style transcript of a conversation, in a fixed-width font. He is text-messaging a girl he slept with named Emily; their messages read as follows:]]\n\u003crob\u003e hi\n\u003cemily\u003e hey you\n\u003crob\u003e last night was nice\n\u003cemily\u003e the best i\u0027ve had\n\u003crob\u003e yeah it was AMAZING\n\u003cemily\u003e ok, i have to ask\n\u003cemily\u003e is this for real?\n\u003cemily\u003e or is it just sex\n\u003crob\u003e definitely just sex\n\u003cemily\u003e holy shit\n\u003cemily\u003e are you serious?\n\u003cemily\u003e you don\u0027t know how much that made\n my stomach hurt\n\u003cemily\u003e i want to cry\n\u003crob\u003e i\u0027m sorry\n\u003crob\u003e i wanted to type \u0027i love you\u0027\n\u003crob\u003e but our line lengths were syncing up\n\u003cemily\u003e ...\n\u003crob\u003e and it would have broken the pattern\n* emily has disconnected\n{{alt text: I wish I knew how to quit this so I wouldn\u0027t have to quit you.}}", "alt": "I wish I knew how to quit this so I wouldn\u0027t have to quit you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fixed_width.png", "title": "Fixed Width", "day": "13" }, { "month": "6", "num": 277, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Long Light", "transcript": "[[A man in a car, sitting at a red light.]]\nMan: This light always takes forever. I\u0027d like to smack the idiot who designed this intersection.\n[[An engineer steps up onto the hood of the man\u0027s car.]]\nEngineer: Hi.\nMan: Who the hell are you?\nEngineer: I designed this intersection.\nEngineer [[arms spread outward]] : You\u0027re right - I should have just made the light shorter! Never mind the hours of simulation and testing I did. Never mind that this intersection interacts with it\u0027s neighbors in a complicated way and it took me a week to work out timing sequences that avoided total jams.\nEngineer: Clearly, I\u0027m a crappy engineer and you have a better solution. Go on, show me your proposed timings.\nMan: Get the hell off my hood before I start driving and fling you into traffic.\nEngineer: You can\u0027t. Light\u0027s red.\nMan: Well, when will it change?\nEngineer: Tuesday.\n{{Title Text: You can look at practically any part of anything manmade around you and think \u0027some engineer was frustrated while designing this.\u0027 It\u0027s a little human connection.}}", "alt": "You can look at practically any part of anything manmade around you and think \u0027some engineer was frustrated while designing this.\u0027 It\u0027s a little human connection.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/long_light.png", "title": "Long Light", "day": "15" }, { "month": "6", "num": 278, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Black Hat Support", "transcript": "[[A man - wearing a black hat - is sitting at his computer, wearing a phone headset]]\nPhone: Thank you for calling the Black Hat Support Line, your first source for Linux support. How may I assist?\nMan: Hi. I\u0027m running an Apache server, and the load keeps climbing out of control.\nPhone: Okay. First, click on the Start Menu.\nMan: I\u0027m sorry, this is the Linux helpline, right?\nPhone: Of course, Sir.\nMan: If you\u0027ll just open the \"My Documents\" folder-\nPhone: Just a damn minute, I think you\u0027re putting me on.\nMan: Please bear with me, Sir.\nMan: Now, load up your AOL and go to the Keyword \"Linux\"-\nPhone: *click*\n{{Alt: So as not to leave you hanging -- it was a problem with select() calls.}}", "alt": "So as not to leave you hanging -- it was a problem with select() calls.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/black_hat_support.png", "title": "Black Hat Support", "day": "18" }, { "month": "6", "num": 279, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pickup Lines", "transcript": "[picture of a man at a bar]\nMan: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I\u0027d put your sister and I together.\nMan: Is your father a thief? because that\u0027s totally my jetta you parked outside.\nMan:You must be tired, \u0027cause you\u0027ve been running through my mind all night\nMan: screaming.\n{{title text: That shirt looks good on you, but it would look even better stuffed onto the neck of a vodka bottle and flung burning through our office building\u0027s window. Let\u0027s fucking do it and never look back.}}", "alt": "That shirt looks good on you, but it would look even better stuffed into the neck of a vodka bottle and flung burning through our office building\u0027s window. Let\u0027s fucking do it and never look back.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pickup_lines.png", "title": "Pickup Lines", "day": "20" }, { "month": "6", "num": 280, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Librarians", "transcript": "{{Advantages to dating librarians}}\nLibrarian: We\u0027re stopping in Baltimore to visit my family, and that\u0027s final.\nBoyfriend: Oh yeah?\n[[Reaching inside paper bag.]]\nBoyfriend: Hey, look, it\u0027s a new hardback book!\n[[Holds book in hands]]\nLibrarian Girlfriend: You wouldn\u0027t.\n[[The book is twisted and crinkled.]]\n\u003c\u003ccrinkle\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003ccreak\u003e\u003e\n[[Librarian Girlfriend twitches.]]\n\u003c\u003ccrack\u003e\u003e\n[[The book\u0027s spine is broken]]\nLibrarian Girlfriend: OKAY! You win!\n\n{{alt: Don\u0027t expect any leniencies on late fees, though.}}", "alt": "Don\u0027t expect any leniency on late fees, though.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/librarians.png", "title": "Librarians", "day": "22" }, { "month": "6", "num": 281, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Online Package Tracking", "transcript": "{{Online Package Tracking}}\n{{_Pros_: Convenient, Useful}}\n{{_Cons_: Makes You Crazy}}\n[[A person is sitting at a computer.]]\n\u003c\u003crefresh\u003e\u003e\nPerson: Aww, still in Memphis.\n\u003c\u003crefresh\u003e\u003e\nPerson: Aww, still in Memphis.\n\u003c\u003crefresh\u003e\u003e\nPerson: Aww, still in Memphis.", "alt": "I don\u0027t even *want* this package! Why did I join the stinging insect of the month club, anyway?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_package_tracking.png", "title": "Online Package Tracking", "day": "25" }, { "month": "6", "num": 282, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Organic Fuel", "transcript": "[[Man sitting at computer second man standing nearby]]\nMan at Computer: Wow â Engines can burn vegetable oil.\nStanding man: Well, sure. You can burn most any organic matter. Corn, leaves, spices...\nMan at Computer: Spices? Really?\nStanding man: Sure â Mussolini made the trains run on thyme.\nMan at Computer: ...\nMan at Computer: We are no longer friends.\n{{alt text: I have nothing to apologize for.}}", "alt": "I have nothing to apologize for.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/organic_fuel.png", "title": "Organic Fuel", "day": "27" }, { "month": "6", "num": 283, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Projection", "transcript": "[[Man and woman seated on couch watching a TV.]]\nWoman: Argh, movie pet peeve. Someone sitting at a computer in the dark with the screen projected on their face. Monitors don\u0027t work like that!\n[[Man and woman face each other on couch.]]\nMan: Right - that only happens if you\u0027re in the way of a proected image. Like when we\u0027re sitting together in a parked car in the rain and the mottled light through the raindrops on the windshield makes shifting shadows on your skin...\n[[Woman stands, man uses laptop on table behind couch.]]\nWoman: ...I wasn\u0027t really into the movie anyway.\nMan: The nearest rainstorm\u0027s about 60 miles away.\nWoman: We\u0027ll drive fast.\nMan: I\u0027ll grab some snacks.\n{{title text: Out in a field, not another car for miles, silence but for the rain drumming on the sunroof, warm thick folds of the blanket hiding wordless fingertip games...}}", "alt": "Out in a field, not another car for miles, silence but for the rain drumming on the sunroof, warm thick folds of the blanket hiding wordless fingertip games ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/projection.png", "title": "Projection", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 284, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tape Measure", "transcript": "[[A man finds a tape measure]]\nMan: Hey, a tape measure!\n[[He extends the tape measure]]\n\u003c\u003cextend\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cextend\u003e\u003e\n[[The tape measure falls]]\n\u003c\u003cclatter\u003e\u003e\n[[He tries again]]\n\u003c\u003cextend\u003e\u003e\nMan: Eight feet! I wonder if that\u0027s a world record?\n[[He imagines ... In an olympic stadium]]\nAudience: Go! Go! Gooooo!", "alt": "This sequence was later reproduced in the International Tape-Extending Federation archives, retitled \u0027The Founding of the Sport\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tape_measure.png", "title": "Tape Measure", "day": "2" }, { "month": "7", "num": 285, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wikipedian Protester", "transcript": "[[There is a politician speaking at a podium, which sports an American flag.]]\n[[In front of the speaker there is a crowd of people listening. In the middle of the crowd a man is standing up holding a sign reading \"[CITATION NEEDED]\" in blue underlined text, as in Wikipedia articles.]]\n{{title text: SEMI-PROTECT THE CONSTITUTION}}", "alt": "SEMI-PROTECT THE CONSTITUTION", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wikipedian_protester.png", "title": "Wikipedian Protester", "day": "4" }, { "month": "7", "num": 286, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "All Your Base", "transcript": "[[A section of a Linux terminal window is shown]]\nText from window: ~ \n$ ls \nayb boot etc lib ...\nbin dev home mnt ...\n~\n $ ls \nayb\nallyourbase_original.swf al...\nallyourbase_remix.swf ...\nallyourbase_remix2.swf b ...\nayb_acapella.mp3 ze...\nayb_images\n ze...\nayb_orchestral.mp3\n....\n[[Girl is at computer]]\nGirl: What\u0027s with the All Your Base stuff? Didn\u0027t that die like five years ago?\n[[From off-panel]] : Yes.\n[[Man enters panel]]\nMan: It was my first internet meme, and my favorite. Others tired of it, but I never did.\nMan: So I wait.\nMan: Someday, decades from now, people will have forgotten. It will be fresh again.\nMan: Retro.\nMan: and when that day comes [[Man raises his fists]]\nMan: I WILL BE READY!\nGirl: You need a hobby or something.\nMan: What you say!!\nMan: Wait, too soon.\n{{title text: The AYB retro-return-date (Zero Wing Zero Hour) should be around AD 2021.}}", "alt": "The AYB retro-return-date (Zero Wing Zero Hour) should be around AD 2021.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/all_your_base.png", "title": "All Your Base", "day": "6" }, { "month": "7", "num": 287, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "NP-Complete", "transcript": "My Hobby:\nEmbedding NP-Complete problems in restaurant orders\n[[A menu is shown]]\nChotchkies Retaurant\nAppetizers\nMixed Fruit 2.15\nFrench Fries 2.75\nSide Salad 3.35\nHot Wings 3.55\nMozzarella Sticks 4.20\nSampler Plate 5.80\n[[Three people sit at a table. One man at the table is ordering from a waiter]]\nMan at table: We\u0027d like exactly $15.05 worth of appetizers, please.\nWaiter: ... Exactly? Uhh ...\nMan at table: Here, these papers on the knapsack problem might help you out.\nWaiter: Listen, I have six other tables to get to - \nMan at table: - As fast as possible, of course. Want something on traveling salesman?\n{{title text: General solutions get you a 50% tip.}}", "alt": "General solutions get you a 50% tip.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/np_complete.png", "title": "NP-Complete", "day": "9" }, { "month": "7", "num": 288, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Elevator", "transcript": "[[Elevator panel, with a Certificate of Inspection and five floor buttons, numbered 1â4. The fifth button is unlabeled.]]\n[Person thinks]\n[Person writes something on a small piece of paper]\n[Person tapes it onto the panel]\n[[Elevator panel, with the same Certificate and buttons, and with the piece of paper labeling the fifth button âZeppelinâ.]]\n[Person presses the new âZeppelinâ button]\n[Elevator moves]\nElevator: *Ding*\n[Person is looking out the door of a Zeppelin. The Zeppelin is flying over a green landscape with many lakes.]\n{{Title text: Quick, try it with \u0027LOVE\u0027.}}", "alt": "Quick, try it with \u0027LOVE\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/elevator.jpg", "title": "Elevator", "day": "11" }, { "month": "7", "num": 289, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Alone", "transcript": "[[Girl crawling on bed toward boy\nnarrator.]]\nNarrator: It\u0027s not something you can turn off.\n[[Boy pulling girl, bedspread, and pillow off of bed onto floor.]]\nNarrator: A part of me is always detached. \n Abstracting, looking at numbers and patterns.\n[[Girl on top of boy, both under bedspread, on floor. Girl looks to be \u0027touching\u0027 boy.]]\nNarrator: When we should be closest, part of me is still alone. \n Counting the touches of her fingertips. \n Touch. \n Touch. \n Touch touch. \n Touch touch touch. \n Touch touch touch touch touch.\n[[Same scene as third panel.]]\nNarrator: Wait. \n Is that... \n That\u0027s the Fibonacci Sequence! \n Whatever I did to deserve you, it couldn\u0027t have been enough.\n{{title text - Worries assuaged, the numbers become less important than your touches.}}", "alt": "Worries assuaged, the numbers become less important than your touches.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/alone.png", "title": "Alone", "day": "13" }, { "month": "7", "num": 290, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fucking Blue Shells", "transcript": "My Profanity Usage By Cause:\n[[Pie chart is shown]]\n[[Injury is about 5% of pie chart]]\n[[Irony is about 5% of pie chart]]\n[[Misc is about 5% of pie chart]]\n[[Segfaults is about 10% of pie chart]]\n[[MarioKart is about 75% of pice chart]]\n{{title text: You can evade blue shells in Double Dash, but it is deep magic.}}", "alt": "You can evade blue shells in Double Dash, but it is deep magic.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fucking_blue_shells.png", "title": "Fucking Blue Shells", "day": "16" }, { "month": "7", "num": 291, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dignified", "transcript": "[[Figure with beret swinging upside-down from tree branch to figure walking by:]]\nYou were once shoved headfirst through someone\u0027s vagina. Why are you acting so dignified?\n{{alt: \u0027I don\u0027t know, why is your beret staying on your head?\u0027 \u0027Staples.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027I don\u0027t know, why is your beret staying on your head?\u0027 \u0027Staples.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dignified.png", "title": "Dignified", "day": "18" }, { "month": "7", "num": 292, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "goto", "transcript": "[[Man sits at computer, thinking]]\nMan: I could restructure the program\u0027s flow - or use one little \u0027GOTO\u0027 instead.\nMan: Eh, screw good practice. How bad can it be?\nText on computer: goto main_sub3;\n\u003c\u003cCompile\u003e\u003e\n[[Panel passes in which man simply looks at the computer]]\n[[A raptor jumps into the panel and attacks the man at the computer]]\n{{title text: Neal Stephenson thinks it\u0027s cute to name his labels \u0027dengo\u0027}}", "alt": "Neal Stephenson thinks it\u0027s cute to name his labels \u0027dengo\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/goto.png", "title": "goto", "day": "20" }, { "month": "7", "num": 293, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "RTFM", "transcript": "[[ A man with a knife sticking out of his heavily bleeding face stands in front of a toaster, which has an arm extending from the top of it. He is holding a telephone to his ear. ]]\nMan: Hello, 911? I just tried to toast some bread, and the toaster grew an arm and stabbed me in the face!\n911: Did you read the toaster\u0027s man page first?\nMan: Well, no, but all I wanted was--\n911: \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n{{ alt: Life is too short for man pages, and occasionally much too short without them. }}", "alt": "Life is too short for man pages, but occasionally much too short without them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rtfm.png", "title": "RTFM", "day": "23" }, { "month": "7", "num": 294, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bookstore", "transcript": "[[Man is standing in a bookstore, looking at a book]]\nMan: This book looks interesting. Maybe I\u0027ll buy it.\n[[The man reads the book; a clock appears above showing the passage of time]]\nMan: Oops, I read the whole thing.\nMan: I\u0027ll just quietly put it back and go.\n[[Man walks through a security scanner to exit the bookstore]]\n\u003c\u003cBEEP BEEP BEEP\u003e\u003e\nVoice from off-frame: Hey! Your brain set off the sensor!\nMan: I, uhh...\nVoice from off-frame: You have a book in there, don\u0027t you!\nMan: Crap.\n{{title text: You can search it if you want, but you may want to skip the memories of your mom.}}", "alt": "You can search it if you want, but you may want to skip the memories of your mom.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bookstore.png", "title": "Bookstore", "day": "25" }, { "month": "7", "num": 295, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "DNE", "transcript": "[[Man is in an empty classroom writing on the whiteboard. In the top right corner in large print is written \"Fuck This Place!.\" It is circled, and underneath he is writing \"DNE\"]]\n{{title text: I\u0027ve seen advertisers put their URLs on chalkboards, encircled with a DNE. They went unerased for months. If you see this, feel free to replace the URL with xkcd.com.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ve seen advertisers put their URLs on chalkboards, encircled with a DNE. They went unerased for months. If you see this, feel free to replace the URL with xkcd.com.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dne.png", "title": "DNE", "day": "27" }, { "month": "7", "num": 296, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tony Hawk", "transcript": "My Hobby:\nDoing skateboard tricks in Tony Hawk while also doing them in real life.\n[[Man riding a skateboard in a halfpipe with a handheld video game]]\n\u003c\u003cbeep click beep\u003e\u003e\n[[Man does a skateboard trick]]\n\u003c\u003cFrontside 360°!\u003e\u003e\nVideogame: Frontside 360°!\n{{Bad idea #271: Dropping into the half-pipe on a Segway.}}", "alt": "Bad idea #271: Dropping into the half-pipe on a Segway.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tony_hawk.png", "title": "Tony Hawk", "day": "30" }, { "month": "8", "num": 297, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lisp Cycles", "transcript": "[[Guy sitting at computer. Girl listening]]\nGuy: Lisp is over half a century old and it still has this perfect, timeless air about it.\nGuy: I wonder if the cycles will continue forever.\nGuy: A few coders from each new generation rediscovering the Lisp arts.\n[[Man in Jedi robes carrying an armload of parentheses, speaking to Guy]]\nJedi: These are your father\u0027s parentheses. Elegant weapons. For a more... civilized age.\n{{title text: I\u0027ve just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the MIT computer science program permamently. }}", "alt": "I\u0027ve just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the MIT computer science program permanently.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lisp_cycles.png", "title": "Lisp Cycles", "day": "1" }, { "month": "8", "num": 298, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tesla Coil", "transcript": "[[Two figures, one wearing a hat stand near a tesla coil mounted on a table.]]\nNo hat: I finally finished my Tesla Coil!\n[[The room is dark; characters appear as faint blue outlines on black background. No hat turnss on the Tesla Coil \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e and it sparks white static electricity. \u003c\u003cgzzzzzz\u003e\u003e]]\nHat Man: Cool, but-\nHat Man: Check *this* out\n[[Lightning shoots out of Hat Man\u0027s hands \u003c\u003cgzzzzzz\u003e\u003e]]\n[[The lights are back on]]\nNo Hat: How did you do that?\nHat Man: The world doesn\u0027t actually make any sense. Science doesn\u0027t work. No one told you because you\u0027re so cute when you get into something.\nHat Man: [[Floting up the frame]] Still, neat toy.\nNo Hat: [[Pointing to Hat Man]] Now you\u0027re hovering!\nHat Man: I guess you\u0027re still not getting this.\n{{Title Text: For scientists, this can be the hardest thing about dreams.}}", "alt": "For scientists, this can be the hardest thing about dreams.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tesla_coil.png", "title": "Tesla Coil", "day": "3" }, { "month": "8", "num": 299, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Aeris Dies", "transcript": "[[Two men are talking. The second man is sitting on the ground, hugging his knees to his chest]]\nFirst Man: Maggie\u0027s gone. You can\u0027t bring her back.\nSecond Man: But I have to, she\u0027s a part of my life.\nFirst Man: \u003c\u003csigh\u003e\u003e\nFirst Man: Okay, let me put this in your terms.\nFirst Man: Remember when Aeris died in FFVII? It was sad, but you had to keep playing.\nSecond Man: Actually, I downloaded a mod to add her back to my party. It changed other character\u0027s appearances and dialogue to hers so you didn\u0027t have to lose her.\nSecond Man: Lots of gamers did it.\n[[The first man put his hand on his chin]]\nFirst Man: That is troubling on several levels.\nSecond Man: I wonder if Maggie\u0027s old dress would fit you.\n{{alt text: It\u0027s bad enough that all the families in your Sims are just you and Maggie recreated over and over.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s bad enough that all the families in your Sims are just you and Maggie recreated over and over.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/aeris_dies.png", "title": "Aeris Dies", "day": "6" }, { "month": "8", "num": 300, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Facebook", "transcript": "{{Title: Mildly sleazy uses of Facebook, part 14:}}\n{{subheading: Looking up someone\u0027s profile before introducing yourself so you know which of your favorite bands to mention}}\nBoy: Favorite bands? Hmm...\nBoy: Maybe Regina Spektor or the Polyphonic Spree.\nGirl: Whoa, those are two of my favorites, too!\nGirl: Clearly, we should have sex.\nBoy: Okay! My favorite position is the retrograde wheelbarrow.\nGirl: [[arms in the air]] Ohmygod, mine too!\n{{alt-text: \u0027Here, I\u0027ll put my number in your cell pho -- wait, why is it already here?\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Here, I\u0027ll put my number in your cell pho -- wait, why is it already here?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/facebook.png", "title": "Facebook", "day": "8" }, { "month": "8", "num": 301, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Limerick", "transcript": "[[Stick figure sitting at computer, typing]]\nStickman:I used to find slashdot delightful,\nbut my feelings of late are more spiteful;\nmy comments sarcastic\nthe iconoclastic\nkeep modding to plus five (Insightful).", "alt": "Fun game: try to post a YouTube comment so stupid that people realize you must be joking. (Hint: this is impossible)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/limerick.png", "title": "Limerick", "day": "10" }, { "month": "8", "num": 302, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Names", "transcript": "{{Title: Names}}\nMan (thinking): I hate it when I don\u0027t know someone\u0027s name, but it\u0027s been long enough that it\u0027s too awkward to ask.\n[[The scene is revealed to be at the alter getting married by a minister to a woman in a bridal dress.]]\nMinister: Do you Rachel, take this man...\nMan (thinking): Aha! Rachel!\n{{alt-text: I\u0027m always so happy that I successfully navigated the introduction that I completely forget to pay attention to the name the other person told me.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m always so happy that I successfully navigated the introduction that I completely forget to pay attention to the name the other person told me.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/names.png", "title": "Names", "day": "13" }, { "month": "8", "num": 303, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Compiling", "transcript": "{{ Title: The #1 Programmer Excuse for Legitimately Slacking Off: âMy code\u0027s compiling.â }}\n[[Two programmers are sword-fighting on office chairs in a hallway. An unseen manager calls them back to work through an open office door.]]\nManager: Hey! Get back to work!\nProgrammer 1: Compiling!\nManager: Oh. Carry on.\n{{ Alt: âAre you stealing those LCDs?â âYeah, but I\u0027m doing it while my code compiles.â }}", "alt": "\u0027Are you stealing those LCDs?\u0027 \u0027Yeah, but I\u0027m doing it while my code compiles.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/compiling.png", "title": "Compiling", "day": "15" }, { "month": "8", "num": 304, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nighttime Stories", "transcript": "[[ Man sitting in an armchair in a darkened room, behind him a bookshelf and an open window. A girl is seen outside reading a book by an eerie glow]]\nFor a few weeks now, sometime past midnight, a girl has wandered past my apartment reading by flashlight.\n[[Outside, the girl, walking down the street passing under a street lamp]]\nI wonder why she\u0027s up so late.\nMaybe she\u0027s restless\nLike me.\nI wonder what story she\u0027s wrapped up in.\nI wonder if she let\u0027s anyone into that island of light.\n[[ Man sitting in dark room ]]\n[[ Dark room minus man ]]\n[[ Man standing on his doorstep at the top of a small flight of stairs, near the bottom of which the girl has stopped, no longer reading. ]]\nMan: Hi! What are you reading?\nGirl: Orson Scott Card\u0027s \u0027Xenocide.\u0027 It\u0027s my favorite in the series!\n[[ The same, only man looks more dejected ]]\nMan: Wait, you like it more than Speaker for the Dead OR Ender\u0027s Game?\nGirl: Yeah!\n[[ The same, only man has withdrawn ]]\n[[ Man back sitting in the chair within dark apartment ]]\nAnd to think I loved her.\n{{ alt: Cue angry letters from all seven fans of Xenocide. }}", "alt": "Cue angry letters from all seven fans of Xenocide.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nighttime_stories.jpg", "title": "Nighttime Stories", "day": "17" }, { "month": "8", "num": 305, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rule 34", "transcript": "[[A guy sits in front of his desktop computer. A girl lies belly-down on the floor in front of her laptop.]]\nMale: HuhâThomas the Tank Engine slash fiction.\nFemale: It\u0027s rule 34 of the internet. If you can imagine it, there is porn of it. \nMale: Nah. The web is freaky, but it can\u0027t begin to have everything.\nMale: There\u0027s no porn set atop storm-chasing vans. No homoerotic spelling bees. No women playing electric guitar in the shower.\nFemale: Actually, that last one would look pretty hot. As long as they were unplugged or waterproofed...\nFemale: Rivulets of water run down her chest, the smooth body of the guitar firm against her hips.\nFemale: She twangs the E-string and it shakes off tiny droplets in all directions.\n[[She rises into a crouch]]\nFemale: You\u0027re sure it doesn\u0027t exist?\nMale: Not yet.\nFemale: I\u0027m registering WetRiffs.com. Let\u0027s get on this.\n{{title text: Okay, Lance. For entry into the college bowl, spell \u0027Throbbing\u0027}}", "alt": "Okay, Lance. For entry into the college bowl, spell \u0027Throbbing\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rule_34.png", "title": "Rule 34", "day": "20" }, { "month": "8", "num": 306, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Orphaned Projects", "transcript": "[[Voices are coming from behind a door with a sign that reads \"Debian Linux HQ\"]]\nFirst voice: Problem: One of the volunteer developers has a date this weekend. Dates lead to romance, romance leads to orphaned projects.\nSecond voice: What\u0027s the plan?\nFirst voice: We\u0027re hiring him a relationship coach. He\u0027s like Will Smith in \"Hitch,\" but he only gives bad advice.\n[[Man in black hat is talking to another man, who is standing in from of a mirror]]\nMan in black hat: Okay, remember: The key to conversation is constructive criticism.\nMan in black hat: You need to show you\u0027re smart enough to solve her problems.\nMan in front of mirror: Makes sense.\n{{title text: His date works for Red Hat, who hired a coach for her, too. She advised her to \u0027rent lots of movies like Hitch. Guys love those.\u0027}}", "alt": "His date works for Red Hat, who hired a coach for her, too. He advised her to \u0027rent lots of movies like Hitch. Guys love those.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/orphaned_projects.png", "title": "Orphaned Projects", "day": "22" }, { "month": "8", "num": 307, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Excessive Quotation", "transcript": "[[Outside, under a crescent moon.]]\nWoman: It\u0027s strange to stare at the moon and think about people walking on it.\nMan: That\u0027s no moon, it\u0027s aâ\u003c\u003cgack\u003e\u003e\n[[She holds him up in the air by his neck à la Darth Vader using the force.]]\nWoman: I find your lack of original conversation disturbing.\n{{Title text: Unfortunately for her, real Star Wars fans are attracted to a gal with a good force choke.}}", "alt": "Unfortunately for her, real Star Wars fans are attracted to a gal with a good force choke.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/excessive_quotation.png", "title": "Excessive Quotation", "day": "24" }, { "month": "8", "num": 308, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interesting Life", "transcript": "[[On the left hand side of the panel is a cutaway of several floors of an office, in gray. On the right side a blue sky with clouds, and green hills. Hanging from a cable is a GIRL, clearly having rappelled down the side of the building]]\nGIRL: You know how some people consider \"May you have an interesting life\" to be a curse?\nGUY IN OFFICE: Yeah...\nGIRL: Fuck those people. Wanna have an adventure?\n{{Alt-text: Quick, fashion a climbing harness out of a cat-6 cable and follow me down}}", "alt": "Quick, fashion a climbing harness out of cat-6 cable and follow me down.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interesting_life.png", "title": "Interesting Life", "day": "27" }, { "month": "8", "num": 309, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Shopping Teams", "transcript": "[[Each team is looking at a counter with two cubes on it.]]\nBad: Two non-nerds\nFirst man: Let\u0027s get that one.\nSecond man: okay.\nGood: non-nerd + nerd\nWoman: Let\u0027s get that one.\nMan: Wait, I think that one might be a better deal.\nWoman: Okay, that one. \nVery Bad: Two Nerds\nMan: How about that one?\nSecond man: i think the other one might be the better deal...\nFirst man: Hmm, I\u0027m not sure...\u0027\nTwo Hours Later\n[[Nerds are sitting in front of laptops with papers strewn about in front of display counter]]\nMan: I think our main problem is our unclear definition of value\nWoman: That is not your main problem!\n{{Title Text: I am never going out to buy an air-conditioner with my sysadmin again.}}", "alt": "I am never going out to buy an air conditioner with my sysadmin again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/shopping_teams.png", "title": "Shopping Teams", "day": "29" }, { "month": "8", "num": 310, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Commitment", "transcript": "[[Guy proposing to girl on his knee]]\nNarrator: I understand now. There\u0027s no choir of angels when you meet the right person. It\u0027s about growing out of your fears to realize what you have is what you want.\nGuy: I do.\nGirl: I do.\n[[A cloud with trumpeting angels appears]]\nGirl 2: Hi.\nNarrator: Well, shit.\n{{Could be worse. The last guy in that situation fell for one of the transient trumpeting angels.}}", "alt": "Could be worse. The last guy in that situation fell for one of the transient trumpeting angels.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/commitment.png", "title": "Commitment", "day": "31" }, { "month": "9", "num": 311, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Action Movies", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman are talking together as they walk away from a cinema]]\nMan: Another summer gone without a mindless big-budget action movie.\nWoman: Huh? Die Hard was nothing BUT action!\nMan: No, it was too talky.\nWoman: What? Too talky?\nMan: I tallied it minute-by-minute. It\u0027s at least 60% people walking and talking. ALL those movies are.\nMan: Just once, I want a real action movie. 30 seconds of exposition followed by a perfect 90-minute action scene. One with a huge budget, a good choreographer, and a great director.\nWoman: And they should center it around some character we already know, someone we never get tired of watching.\nMan: I think we\u0027ve got something here...\n[[A movie poster is shown]]\nMovie Poster: Coming this summer\nMovie Poster: River Tam\nMovie Poster: Beats up EVERYONE\n[[The movie shows a line of houses, there are people beat up and lying in doorways, out of windows, and on the sidewalk. River Tam is doing a flying kick into someone\u0027s face]]\n{{title text: By my count, only 48 of the 158 minutes in Live Free or Die Hard have action. That\u0027s pathetic, guys. Crank is better, but needs a bigger budget and more Summer Glau.}}", "alt": "By my count, only 48 of the 158 minutes in Live Free or Die Hard have action. That\u0027s pathetic, guys. Crank is better, but needs a bigger budget and more Summer Glau.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/action_movies.png", "title": "Action Movies", "day": "3" }, { "month": "9", "num": 312, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "With Apologies to Robert Frost", "transcript": "A God\u0027s Lament\nSome said the world should be in Perl;\nSome said in Lisp.\nNow, having given both a whirl,\nI held with those who favored Perl.\nBut I fear we passed to men\nA disappointing founding myth,\nAnd should we write it all again,\nI\u0027d end it with\nA close-paren.", "alt": "Some say the world will end in fire; some say in segfaults.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/with_apologies_to_robert_frost.png", "title": "With Apologies to Robert Frost", "day": "5" }, { "month": "9", "num": 313, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Insomnia", "transcript": "[[It is black, except a few blue and green lights, and red numbers from a clock. The clock shows 4:31]]\nLying awake at night\nI realize how many little lights there are in my room.\nThe alarm clock is the brightest.\nCan\u0027t sleep\nI\u0027m alone with those glowing red numbers\n[[The clock now shows 4:32]]\nTime slows\nDoes time even exist here?\nThoughts churning in on themselves\n[[The clock nows shows 4:33]]\nThe madness can\u0027t be far away\nAh yes\n[[The clock now shows 13:72]]\nThere it is.\n{{title text: Crap, I have levitation class at 25:131. Better set the alarm to \u0027cinnamon\u0027.}}", "alt": "Crap, I have levitation class at 25:131. Better set the alarm to \u0027cinnamon\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/insomnia.png", "title": "Insomnia", "day": "7" }, { "month": "9", "num": 314, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dating Pools", "transcript": "[[Woman is sitting on the ground with her elbows on her knees and her hands on her chin. She is talking to a man.]]\nWoman: This sucks. The median first marriage age is 26. The pools of singles is shrinking. I\u0027m running our of time.\nMan: Actually, not quite.\nMan: Yes, older singles are rarer. But as you get older, the dateable age range gets wider. An 18-year-old\u0027s range is 16-22, whereas a 30-year-old\u0027s might be more like 22-46.\n[[Man points to a chart]]\nText on chart: Standard creepiness rule: Don\u0027t date under (Age\n2 + 7)\nMan: I did some analysis of this with the Census Bureau numbers just last weekend. Your dating pool actually GROWS until middle age. So don\u0027t fret so much!\n[[Man is pointing to new set of charts. The first chart is labeled Singles, and is a decreasing graph. The second graph is labeled Dating Pool, and is a bell curve.]]\nWoman: Did you analysis say anything about the dating prospects of people who spend weekends at home making graphs?\nMan: Come on. Somewhere at the edge of the bell curve is the girl for me.\n{{title text: The full analysis is of course much more complicated, but I can\u0027t stay to talk about it because I have a date.}}", "alt": "The full analysis is of course much more complicated, but I can\u0027t stay to talk about it because I have a date.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dating_pools.png", "title": "Dating Pools", "day": "10" }, { "month": "9", "num": 315, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Braille", "transcript": "I learned to read braille a while back, and I\u0027ve noticed that the messages on signs don\u0027t always match the regular text.\n[[There is a sign which reads: Third Floor Office with braille print underneath. A man is reading the braille]]\nMan\u0027s thoughts: S-i-g-h-t-e-d-P-e-o-p-l-e-S-u-c-k ... Hey!\n{{alt text: The only big difference I\u0027ve seen is in colors. Where the regular text reads \u0027press red button\u0027, the braille reads \u0027press two-inch button\u0027.}}", "alt": "The only big difference I\u0027ve seen is in colors. Where the regular text reads \u0027press red button\u0027, the braille reads \u0027press two-inch button\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/braille.png", "title": "Braille", "day": "12" }, { "month": "9", "num": 316, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Loud Sex", "transcript": "[[Man in bed, covering his head with pillow.]]\nNarrator: My neighbor has loud sex.\n\u003c\u003cOHHHHH\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cGASP\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cAAAAAAA\u003e\u003e\nNarrator: Good for her and all, but it keeps me up at night.\n[[Man and neighbor coming out of their apartments.]]\nNeighbor: Sorry, could you hear us last night? Oh, you know how it gets sometimes.\nNarrator: (small) Not really...\n[[Girl with \"LOUD\" and an arrow pointing to her.]]\nNarrator: But tonight I finally get my revenge. Because now I have a loud girlfriend too.\n[[Diagram of an elliptical reflector dish.]]\nNarrator: And an elliptical reflector dish.\n[[Man and his girlfriend having sex, with dish behind them, with sex sound effects coming off the dish, through walls, to his neighbor sitting up in bed while holding her head in pain.]]\n{{title text - Spherical or parabolic reflectors would of course lead to aberrant behavior.}}", "alt": "Spherical or parabolic reflectors would of course lead to aberrant behavior.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/loud_sex.png", "title": "Loud Sex", "day": "14" }, { "month": "9", "num": 317, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "That Lovin\u0027 Feelin\u0027", "transcript": "[[Man is in the middle of the frame, talking]]\nMan: You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips and there\u0027s no tenderness like before in your fingertips.\n[[Man thoughtfully places his hand on his chin]]\nMan: Maybe I should try your sister instead.\n{{title text: Maybe there\u0027s no tenderness in her fingertips either, but at least SHE puts out.}}", "alt": "Maybe there\u0027s no tenderness in her fingertips either, but at least SHE puts out.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/that_lovin_feelin.png", "title": "That Lovin\u0027 Feelin\u0027", "day": "17" }, { "month": "9", "num": 318, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nostalgia", "transcript": "Narrator: This generation is going to have some weird nostalgia.\n[[Two people, each wearing headsets with antennae, sunglasses and jetpacks, are hovering]]\nMale Figure: Darling, let\u0027s put on our best fake accounts, connect to the core ForumSpace, and trick people into looking at a picture of a man\u0027s distended anus!\nFemale Figure: Oh, it\u0027ll be just like old times!\n{{alt text: If you don\u0027t get this one, don\u0027t google it.}}", "alt": "If you don\u0027t get this one, don\u0027t google it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nostalgia.png", "title": "Nostalgia", "day": "19" }, { "month": "9", "num": 319, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Engineering Hubris", "transcript": "[[ Landscape in the background, canyon with a winding road ]]\nMaybe engineering is the pursuit of an unattainable perfection.\nMaybe it\u0027s impossible to create something bug-free.\nMaybe I\u0027m a fool\nMaybe the tyranny of Murphy is the penalty for hubris.\nBut I just can\u0027t shake the feeling\n[[ man standing on a box labeled \"ACME\" ]]\nWith all those supplies\n_I_ could have caught that roadrunner.\n{{Alt: Chuck Jones is a vengeful god. }}", "alt": "Chuck Jones is a vengeful god.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/engineering_hubris.png", "title": "Engineering Hubris", "day": "21" }, { "month": "9", "num": 320, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "28-Hour Day", "transcript": "[[There is a diagram which shows the hours in a week. It has sections labeled \"bed\" and below has sections labeled \"night.\" They do not line up.]]\n[[Two men are talking together.]]\nFirst man: You have trouble sleeping right?\nSecond man: Only when your mom is over.\n[[First man is now pointing to a chart.]]\nFirst man: Since your work is flexible-\nSecond Man: -Like your mom-\nFirst Man: -you should try the 28-hour day - 20 awake, 8 asleep (or 19\n9 if you prefer).\nSecond Man: I prefer your mom.\nFirst Man: It synchs up with the week - you spend weekdays awake normally, then on weekends you can go out all night.\nSecond Man: Just like your mom.\nFirst Man: It means four extra hours daily. You can stay up until you\u0027re exhausted every day and then spend a full 9 hours asleep each night!\nSecond Man: But how much time can I spend doing your mom?\nFirst Man: You? I\u0027m guessing three or four minutes, tops.\nSecond Man: ...Well played.\n{{title text: Small print: this schedule will eventually drive one stark raving mad.}}", "alt": "Small print: this schedule will eventually drive one stark raving mad.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/28_hour_day.png", "title": "28-Hour Day", "day": "24" }, { "month": "9", "num": 321, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Thighs", "transcript": "[[Guy singing, Girl at computer]]\nGuy: It\u0027s the thigh of the tiger\nGuy: When the moon hits your thigh like a big pizza pie, that\u0027s amore.\nGuy: She\u0027s my brown-thighed girl.\nGirl: Don\u0027t you have a job or something?\nGirl: Also, Eww.\n{{Alt text: My thighs have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord?}}", "alt": "My thighs have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thighs.png", "title": "Thighs", "day": "26" }, { "month": "9", "num": 322, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pix Plz", "transcript": "[[A man stands in the entrance to a room. The door has been broken down. A surprised nerd has turned away from his computer to face the remains of the door.]]\nMan: Hi. I\u0027m here about the girl who visited your IRC channel last night looking for Java help.\nNerd: What did you do to my door?\nMan: When someone with a feminine username joins your community and you say \"OMG a woman on the Internet\" and \"jokingly\" ask for naked pics, you are being an asshole. You are not being ironic. You are not cracking everybody up. You are the number one reason women are so rare on the Internet.\nMan: At least, the parts of it _you_ frequent.\n[[Woman enters the room, holding some sort of device.]]\nMan: As someone who likes nerdy girls, I do not appreciate this. I\u0027m here to ban you from the Internet. The gal behind me with the EMP cannon is Joanna -- she\u0027ll be assigned to you for the next year. Try to go online and she\u0027ll melt your PC.\nNerd: Dude, she\u0027s hot. Is she single?\nMan: Joanna, fire.\n{{Alt image tag: \"But one of the regulars in the channel is a girl!\"}}", "alt": "But one of the regulars in the channel is a girl!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pix_plz.png", "title": "Pix Plz", "day": "28" }, { "month": "10", "num": 323, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ballmer Peak", "transcript": "[[A graph with \"programming skill\" on the X-axis and \"blood alcohol concentration\" on the Y one]]\n[[A man is making a presentation with the graph]]\nPresenter: Called the Ballmer Peak, it was discovered by Microsoft in the 80\u0027s. The cause is unknown but somehow a B.A.C between 0.129% and 0.138% confers superhuman programming ability.\nPresenter: However, it\u0027s a delicate effect requiring careful calibration--you can\u0027t just give a team of coders a year\u0027s supply of whiskey and tell them to get cracking.\nMan in public: ...Has that ever happened.\nPresenter: Remember Windows ME?\nMan: I knew it!\n{{title text: Apple uses automated schnapps IVs.}}", "alt": "Apple uses automated schnapps IVs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ballmer_peak.png", "title": "Ballmer Peak", "day": "1" }, { "month": "10", "num": 324, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tapping", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting at a desk, tapping various parts of it]]\nMan: Hey, I can get different pitches by tapping on different parts of the desk.\n[[The man starts tapping faster, with both hands]]\nMan: Sweet, I can do the Jurassic park theme!\n[[The man taps very rapidly]]\n[[Later, elsewhere]]\nFriend: So, what did you do all afternoon?\nMan: Hung out.\n{{alt text: Sometimes the best fun looks like boredom.}}", "alt": "Sometimes the best fun looks like boredom.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tapping.png", "title": "Tapping", "day": "3" }, { "month": "10", "num": 325, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "A-Minus-Minus", "transcript": "[[the hat guy is packing a bobcat into a box; a woman stands beside him.]]\nwoman: What are you doing?\nthe Hat Guy: Making the world a weirder place.\nbobcat: \u003c\u003cmrrowlll\u003e\u003e\n[[The hat guy has finished taping the package for shipping.]]\nman: Starting with my eBay feedback page.\n[[Bandaged person at a computer with assorted debris around the floor]]\nscreen: comments:\n\u003c\u003cbandaged person typing\u003e\u003e Instead of office chair package contained bobcat.\n\u003c\u003cbandaged person typing\u003e\u003e Would not buy again.\n{{title: You can do this one in every 30 times and still have 97% positive feedback.}}", "alt": "You can do this one in every 30 times and still have 97% positive feedback.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/a-minus-minus.png", "title": "A-Minus-Minus", "day": "5" }, { "month": "10", "num": 326, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Effect an Effect", "transcript": "Narrator: MY HOBBY:\nUsing the more obscure meanings of \"affect\" and \"effect\" to try to trip up amateur grammar nazis.\nMan [[types]]: I think that our foreign policy effects the situation.\nComputer [[types]]: You mean \"affects\".\n[[from Man]] \u003c\u003ctee hee hee\u003e\u003e\n{{title text: Time to paint another grammarian silhouette on the side of the desktop.}}", "alt": "Time to paint another grammarian silhouette on the side of the desktop.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/effect_an_effect.png", "title": "Effect an Effect", "day": "8" }, { "month": "10", "num": 327, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Exploits of a Mom", "transcript": "[[A woman is talking on the phone, holding a cup]]\nPhone: Hi, this is your son\u0027s school. We\u0027re having some computer trouble.\nMom: Oh dearâdid he break something?\nPhone: In a wayâ\nPhone: Did you really name your son \"Robert\u0027); DROP TABLE Students;--\" ?\nMom: Oh, yes. Little Bobby Tables, we call him.\nPhone: Well, we\u0027ve lost this year\u0027s student records. I hope you\u0027re happy.\nMom: And I hope you\u0027ve learned to sanitize your database inputs.\n{{title-text: Her daughter is named Help I\u0027m trapped in a driver\u0027s license factory.}}", "alt": "Her daughter is named Help I\u0027m trapped in a driver\u0027s license factory.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exploits_of_a_mom.png", "title": "Exploits of a Mom", "day": "10" }, { "month": "10", "num": 328, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Eggs", "transcript": "[[A woman sits at a bar, a man approaches.]]\nMan: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?\nWoman: Ooh, sunny side up.\nMan: Oh. Huh.\nWoman: Is that a problem?\nMan: Well, it\u0027s just that I was trying to set you up for the \"unfertilised\" line.\nWoman: Ah. Bad timing; I\u0027m actually looking for casual sex. ...interested?\nMan: I\u0027d love to, but I\u0027ve got like 20 more jokes to set up tonight. Hey, have you seen a priest and a rabbi?\n{{Title Text: Oh, yeah, we get tons of them at these casual sex bars.}}", "alt": "Oh, yeah, we get tons of them at these casual sex bars.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/eggs.png", "title": "Eggs", "day": "12" }, { "month": "10", "num": 329, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Turing Test", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a computer connected through a wall to another computer.]]\nTURING TEST EXTRA CREDIT: CONVINCE THE EXAMINER THAT HE\u0027S A COMPUTER.\nMan: You know, you make some really good points. I\u0027m ... not even sure who I am anymore.\n{{Title Text: Hit Turing right in the test-ees.}}", "alt": "Hit Turing right in the test-ees.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/turing_test.png", "title": "Turing Test", "day": "15" }, { "month": "10", "num": 330, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Indecision", "transcript": "First Guy: So, what do you want to do?\nSecond Guy: Still no ideas.\nFirst guy: Wait, I think there\u0027s a rule about this.\n[[First Guy goes to bookshelf and removes a book called \"Rules\"]]\n[[The book of Rules is opened to the following:\nRULE social.b.99.1\nIf friends spend more than 60 minutes unable to decide what to do, they must default to sexual experimentation.]]\n[[First Guy is standing, holding the book. Second Guy is in the process of standing up.]]\nFirst Guy: Huh.\nSecond Guy: I did not know that rule.\nFirst Guy: Me neither.\nSecond Guy: I\u0027ll go get the Crisco.\n{{alt-text: Hey, I don\u0027t make the rules. It\u0027s in the book.}}", "alt": "Hey, I don\u0027t make the rules. It\u0027s in the book.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/indecision.png", "title": "Indecision", "day": "17" }, { "month": "10", "num": 331, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Photoshops", "transcript": "[[A woman holds a sword while a man looks on]]\nText: My hobby: Insisting that real-life objects are photoshopped.\nWoman: This sabre is a 19th-century family heirloom.\nMan: It looks photoshopped.\nWoman: Huh?\nMan: Yeah, the reflections are all wrong. Definitely photoshopped.\n{{Alt-text: When I look into your eyes, I see JPEG artifacts. I can tell by the pixels that we\u0027re wrong for each other.}}", "alt": "When I look into your eyes, I see JPEG artifacts. I can tell by the pixels that we\u0027re wrong for each other.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/photoshops.png", "title": "Photoshops", "day": "19" }, { "month": "10", "num": 332, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Gyroscopes", "transcript": "[[Person at desk with Gyroscope]]\nNarrator: Despite years of studying physics, I still find gyroscopes a little freaky.\n[[Person starts gyroscope with a zzzzip]]\n[[Gyroscope spins with a zzzzzz]]\n[[Gyroscope lifts into the air]]\nGyroscope: Greetings, Human.\n{{title text: We didn\u0027t actually land on the moon -- it just looked like we did because of precession. Also, gyroscopes caused 9\n11.}}", "alt": "We didn\u0027t actually land on the moon -- it just looked like we did because of precession. Also, gyroscopes caused 9/11.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/gyroscopes.png", "title": "Gyroscopes", "day": "22" }, { "month": "10", "num": 333, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Getting Out of Hand", "transcript": "[[A couple is in bed in the dark, and the guy reaches out from under the covers to do a Wikipedia search about Foreplay.]]\n{{title text: Wikipedia\u0027s role as brain-extension, while a little troubling, is also really cool.}}", "alt": "Wikipedia\u0027s role as brain-extension, while a little troubling, is also really cool.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/getting_out_of_hand.png", "title": "Getting Out of Hand", "day": "24" }, { "month": "10", "num": 334, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wasteland", "transcript": "[[A guy is walking through a wasteland talking to himself]]\nI am alone in this wasteland, a thousand miles from you.\nBut I haven\u0027t forgotten the feel of your skin, your mischievous smile.\nYou\u0027d think a thousand miles would be enough.\nI guess I\u0027ll keep walking.\n{{title text: You make forgetting look so easy.}}", "alt": "You make forgetting look so easy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wasteland.png", "title": "Wasteland", "day": "26" }, { "month": "10", "num": 335, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mattress", "transcript": "[[A couple is cuddling.]]\nCuddling face-to-face is nice, but we can never figure out where to put our lower arms.\nOur solution: the Cuddle Mattress!\nYour lower arms fit in the convenient gap.\n[[There is a diagram of a mattress with a notch cut through it at shoulder level. The gap is indicated with an arrow.]]\n[[The same couple is shown again, cuddling snugly on the mattress.]]\n\n[[A man and woman are giving a presentation to another person. The man has a pointer and a clicker for the slides which are projected on the screen next to him.]]\nListener: Oh man, that\u0027s ALWAYS bothered me.\nListener: I want one.\n\nListener: Although ... so the lower arms just sort of dangle?\nListener: What do you do with them?\n\nMan: It was a bit awkward.\nClicker: \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\nWoman: Then we had a second breakthrough.\n\n[[The couple is shown again on the cuddle mattress, this time in more detail and facing the tops of their heads. Their lower arms are sticking through the gap in the mattress and playing a conveniently located game of Rock \u0027em Sock \u0027em Robots.]]\nMan: \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\nBlue Robot: \u003c\u003cpunch\u003e\u003e\nRed Robot: \u003c\u003cpunch\u003e\u003e\nWoman: \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: The TempurPedic wineglass guy broke his ankle.}}", "alt": "The TempurPedic wineglass guy broke his ankle.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mattress.png", "title": "Mattress", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 336, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Priorities", "transcript": "[[A teacher is talking to a student, sitting at a desk.]]\nTeacher: If you don\u0027t turn in at least one homework assignment, you\u0027ll fail this class.\n[[The student holds up his report card.]]\nStudent: Yeah. But if I can fail this class, the grades on my report card will be in alphabetical order!\n{{rollover text: You should start giving out \u0027E\u0027s so I can spell FACADE or DEFACED.}}", "alt": "You should start giving out \u0027E\u0027s so I can spell FACADE or DEFACED.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/priorities.png", "title": "Priorities", "day": "31" }, { "month": "11", "num": 337, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Post Office Showdown", "transcript": "I spend a lot of time mentally choreographing elaborate fight scenes with strangers around me.\n[[Man is in a post office wearing earphones. There are several other people, including an old man with a crutch and an old woman with a long narrow box]]\nMan\u0027s thoughts: Okay - if that old man pulls a crossbow,\nMan\u0027s thoughts: I\u0027ll throw the postal scale at him and dive backward behind the stamps machine.\nMan\u0027s thoughts: But what if the lady by the door has a katana in that box?\nMan\u0027s thoughts: Better set my iPod to the \"Kill Bill\" fight theme, just in case.\n{{alt text: That track (\u0027Battle Without Honor or Humanity\u0027) -- like \u0027Ride of the Valkyries\u0027 -- improves *any* activity.}}", "alt": "That track (\u0027Battle Without Honor or Humanity\u0027) -- like \u0027Ride of the Valkyries\u0027 -- improves *any* activity.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/post_office_showdown.png", "title": "Post Office Showdown", "day": "2" }, { "month": "11", "num": 338, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Future", "transcript": "[[The comic has three panels. In the first panel, a boy and a girl are holding hands. A voice bubble originating from a guy standing in the third panel saysâ¦]]\nVoice #1: Come explore the future with me!\n[[And the girl says something which goes to the third panel.]]\n[[The two voice bubbles cross in the middle of the second panel.]]\n[[The voice of the girl saysâ¦]]\nVoice #2: I can\u0027t.\n{{title-text: But the past was much too cramped!}}", "alt": "But the past was much too cramped!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/future.png", "title": "Future", "day": "5" }, { "month": "11", "num": 339, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Classic", "transcript": "[[A person is sitting on the floor by a record player.]]\nLed Zeppelin: And as we wind on down the road \n Our shadows taller than our soul\n\nLed Zeppelin: When all is one and one is all \n To be a rock and not to rooooll\n\nLed Zeppelin (fading): And she\u0027s buying a stairway to heaven\n\nPerson: Man. The baby boomers are kicking our *asses.* We need to get it together, guys.\n\n{{Title text: Someone get that Pachelbel\u0027s Canon kid a recording contract, stat.}}", "alt": "Someone get that Pachelbel\u0027s Canon kid a recording contract, stat.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/classic.png", "title": "Classic", "day": "7" }, { "month": "11", "num": 340, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fight", "transcript": "[[Text: We had a fight last night.]]\n[[A guy is sitting in a sofa, head in both hands, feeling upset.]]\n[[Text: I guess she\u0027s still mad.]]\n[[A girl is standing with arms crossed in front of her chest, with the same mood.]]\n[[Text: I woke up to find she\u0027d written a sappy love note]]\n[[The guy is standing in front of a computer, with a cup in his hand.]]\n[[Text: to my boot sector.]]\n[[The cup now lies on the floor, the guy is looking at the computer with disbelief.]]\nComputer: Operating system not found\n{{title-text: And she put sweet nothings in all my .conf files. It\u0027ll take me forever to get X working again.}}", "alt": "And she put sweet nothings in all my .conf files. It\u0027ll take me forever to get X working again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fight.png", "title": "Fight", "day": "9" }, { "month": "11", "num": 341, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "1337: Part 1", "transcript": "[[Man 1 talks to man 2 who is lying down on the floor, using his laptop.]]\nMan 1: You\u0027re not on the neighbour\u0027s WiFi, are you?\nMan 2: Yeah, why?\nMan 1: The admin... plays games.\nMan 2: No problem. I\u0027ll just hop on a secure VPN.\nMan 2: Whoa, my connections are dying as soon as I start to tunnel anything!\nMessage on laptop: A VPN? How cute! And stop trying to SSH.\nMan 2: Holy shit! Someone\u0027s inserting notes into the pages I request! Editing the TCP stream live!\nMan 2: Nobody\u0027s that fast. Who is this admin?\n[[Neighbour (Mrs. Roberts) with bun tray in one hand, with oven mitts on both hands typing on a desktop computer.]]\nMrs. Roberts: My goodness. Neighbourhood scamps on the wireless.\n\u003c\u003ctaptaptaptap\u003e\u003e\nMan 1: I should have warned you about Mrs. Roberts.\nMan 2: How does she type with oven mitts!?\nMan 1: You\u0027ve been pwned pretty hard, man. You might want to sit down.\n{{ If you\u0027re not cool enough to do it manually, you can look up tools like Upside-Down-Ternet for playing games with people on your wifi. }}", "alt": "If you\u0027re not cool enough to do it manually, you can look up tools like Upside-Down-Ternet for playing games with people on your wifi.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1337_part_1.png", "title": "1337: Part 1", "day": "12" }, { "month": "11", "num": 342, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "1337: Part 2", "transcript": "[[Man 1 standing near Man 2, who is on the floor near the armchair.]]\nMan 2: So the greatest hacker of our era is a cookie-baking mom?\nMan 1: Second-greatest.\nMan 2: Oh?\nMan 1 (Narrating) : Mrs. Roberts had two children. Her son, Bobby, was never much for computers, but her daughter Elaine took to them like a ring in the bell.\nMan 1 (Narrating) : When Elaine turned 11, her mother sent her to train under Donald Knuth in his mountain hideaway.\nMan 1 (Narrating) : For four years she studied algorithms.\nKnuth: Child - \nKnuth: Why is A* search wrong in this situation?\n\u003c\u003cswish\u003e\u003e\nElaine: Memory usage!\nKnuth: What would you use?\nElaine: Dijkstra\u0027s algorithm!\nMan 1 (Narrating) : Until one day she bested her master\nKnuth: So our lower bound here is 0(n log n)\nElaine: Nope. Got it in 0(n log (log n))\nMan 1 (Narrating) : And left.\n{{Trivia: Elaine is actually her middle name.}}", "alt": "Trivia: Elaine is actually her middle name.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1337_part_2.png", "title": "1337: Part 2", "day": "13" }, { "month": "11", "num": 343, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "For use on Wikipedia, I release this particular\u003cbr /\u003ecomic under a \u003ca href=\"https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/us/\"\u003ecc-by-sa\u003c/a\u003e license.", "safe_title": "1337: Part 3", "transcript": "[[Outside, Adrian Lamo is helping Elaine Roberts over a barbed wire fence.]]\nNarrator: IT WAS THE LATE 90\u0027S. ELAINE CRISSCROSSED THE COUNTRY WITH ADRIAN LAMO, THE \u0027HOMELESS HACKER\u0027, LEARNING TO GAIN ENTRY INTO SYSTEMS BOTH VIRTUAL AND PHYSICAL.]]\nAdrian Lamo: SO YOU JUST THROW A RUG OVER THE FENCE AND ... SAY, WHAT IS THIS PLACE ANYWAY?\nRoberts: NOWHERE SPECIAL.\nLamo: ...ELAINE, IS THIS NSA HEADQUARTERS?\nRoberts: ...LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SEE IF THEY\u0027VE BROKEN RSA.\n[[Inside, Lawrence Lessig is sitting at a table, Roberts is standing across the table swinging a knife]]\nNarrator: SHE LEARNED, FROM LAWRENCE LESSIG, ABOUT THE MONSTROSITY THAT IS U.S. COPYRIGHT LAW.\nRoberts: SO, HOW DO WE FIX THE SYSTEM? STAB BAD GUYS?\nLessig: I\u0027M STARTING SOMETHING CALLED \"CREATIVE COMMONS\"\n\u003c\u003cSHINK\u003e\u003e\nElaine Roberts: I THINK WE SHOULD STAB BAD GUYS...\n[[Steve Jobs is lying up in his bed, Roberts is balancing while crouched on the foot of Jobs\u0027 bed]]\nNarrator: SHE MET WITH STEVE JOBS TO DISCUSS THE FUTURE OF APPLE.\nRoberts: COMPRESSION AND BANDWIDTH ARE CHANGING EVERYTHING.\nJobs: WHO ARE YOU? IT\u0027S 3:00AM!\nRoberts: APPLE SHOULD MAKE A PORTABLE MUSIC PLAYER.\nJobs: I\u0027M CALLING THE POLICE.\nRoberts: HEY, IDEA - INTEGRATE IT WITH A CELL PHONE!\n{{title text: I once asked an NSA guy whether they\u0027d broken RSA. And I know I can trust him, because I asked if he was lying to me and he said no.}}", "alt": "I once asked an NSA guy whether they\u0027d broken RSA. And I know I can trust him, because I asked if he was lying to me and he said no.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1337_part_3.png", "title": "1337: Part 3", "day": "14" }, { "month": "11", "num": 344, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "1337: Part 4", "transcript": "As time passed, Elaine intensified her hacking work, anonymously publishing exploit after exploit.\n[[Elaine is sitting under tree, typing on a laptop.]]\nTo crack open proprietary hardware, she teamed up with one of the top experts in signal processing and data transferring protocols.\n[[Elaine, wearing a backpack, is walking up to a door where a woman is greeting her]]\nElaine: Hi, mom.\nMrs. Roberts (Elaine\u0027s mom): Hello, dear. Did you have fun?\nThey were an unstoppable team.\n[[Elaine is on the floor with her laptop and Mrs. Roberts is on her computer at a table]]\nElaine: I finished the CSS decryptor.\nMrs. Roberts: Good, dear. I\u0027ll send it along to Jon.\nAnd were eventually noticed.\n[[Two men in black hats arrive. One holds a briefcase that reads RIAA and the other holds a briefcase which reads MPAA]]\nRIAA man: Game\u0027s over.\nMPAA man: You\u0027re coming with us.\n[[Elaine stands up]] \nElaine: Oh, are we?\n[[Mrs. Roberts is still sitting at her computer, typing]]\nMrs. Roberts: Now now, Elaine -\n\u003c\u003cshink\u003e\u003e [[Elaine pulls a knife out]]\n\u003c\u003cshing\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cshing\u003e\u003e [[The two men each pull a katana out of their briefcase.]]\nMrs. Roberts: Don\u0027t let them provoke you, dear.\nMen: We don\u0027t want to hurt you, Ma\u0027am.\nMrs. Roberts: Don\u0027t by silly. Record company employees can\u0027t just go into houses and slice people up.\nRIAA Man: Ah, so you haven\u0027t read the DMCA.\nMPAA Man: Title IV, Section 408: Authorization of Deadly Force.\n[[Voice comes from off-panel]]: Hark!\n[[Everyone looks surprised. Mrs. Roberts stands.]]\n[[Bearded man enters, bearing two katanas.]]\nBearded man: Cease this affront to freedom, or stand and defend yourselves!\nMPAA Man: Stallman!\n{{title text: Mrs. Roberts would have gotten up sooner, of course, but she was busy piping find ~ and find ~nomad into xargs shred, just in case.}}", "alt": "Mrs. Roberts would have gotten up sooner, of course, but she was busy piping find ~ and find ~nomad into xargs shred, just in case.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1337_part_4.png", "title": "1337: Part 4", "day": "14" }, { "month": "11", "num": 345, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "1337: Part 5", "transcript": "[[Two RIAA agents attack Elaine and Stallman. Elaine breaks RIAA #1, while Stallman disarms RIAA #2 in a flying manouvre]]\nElaine: Thanks, Stallman!\nStallman: \u0027Tis my pleasure.\nElaine: So, wait - how did you know we were in trouble?\nStallman: My friend here was tracking these thugs from his balloon. He called me and I thought I\u0027d stop by\n[[Doctorow slides down a rope in red cape \u0026 goggles]]\nDoctorow: -Hi! Cory Doctorow - It\u0027s a pleasure to meet you.\nElaine: Balloon?\nStallman: Aye. They\u0027re up there constructing something called a \"Blogosphere.\"\nDoctorow: Yup! Its twenty kilometers up, just above the tag clouds.\nBobby: Mom, I\u0027m hungry.\nMrs. Roberts: Hush! I\u0027m coding. You ate yesterday.\nStallman: You know, Roberts, GNU could use a good coder like you. Ever thought of joining us?\nElaine: Maybe someday. Right now I\u0027ve got an industry to take down. Music doesn\u0027t need these assholes.\nDoctorow: Begone! And never darken our comment threads again!\nStallman: Well, you won\u0027t fix the industry with random exploits. You need to encourage sharing in the public mind.\nDoctorow: Hey; With your music and coding backgrounds, you should get into building better p2p systems.\nElaine: What? Straight-up piracy?\nDoctorow: Sure- have you ever considered it? You\u0027d make a wonderful dread pirate, Roberts\n[[Epilogue]]\nElaine shared her ideas with Bram Cohen, who went on to develop BitTorrent.\nMrs. Roberts spends her time developing for Ubuntu, and defacing the websites of people who make \"your mom\" jokes to her daughter. Elaine still stalks the net. She joins communities, contributes code or comments, and moves on. And if, late at night, you point a streaming audio player at the right IP at the right time - you can hear her rock out.\n~Happy Hacking.~\n{{Alt\ntitle text: This digital music thing will probably reach its endgame sometime in the next decade or so. These are very exciting times. }}", "alt": "This digital music thing will probably reach its endgame sometime in the next decade or so. These are very exciting times.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1337_part_5.png", "title": "1337: Part 5", "day": "16" }, { "month": "11", "num": 346, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Diet Coke+Mentos", "transcript": "[[Two boys are kneeling down on either side of a coke bottle.]]\nFirst Boy: This is the coolest thing.\nFirst Boy: You just drop the Mentos in the Diet Coke...\nSecond Boy: Uh huh\nFirst Boy: Give it a moment...\n[[The bottle has a few bubbles above it]]\n\u003c\u003cPoof\u003e\u003e [[A man appears. The first boy raises his arms in exclamation.]]\n[[The second boy stands up and turns around. He puts his hands over his mouth.]]\nSecond boy: D-Dad?\nMan [[Reaching towards the second boy]]: I\u0027m back, son. We can be a family again.\n{{title text: The cola+Mentos trick is up there with corn starch+water (vibrating platter optional) in scientific coolness out of common kitchen supplies.}}", "alt": "The cola+Mentos trick is up there with corn starch+water (vibrating platter optional) in scientific coolness out of common kitchen supplies.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/diet_coke_mentos.png", "title": "Diet Coke+Mentos", "day": "19" }, { "month": "11", "num": 347, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brick Archway", "transcript": "[[Inset: A man prepares to throw a tennis ball upward.]]\n[[The man lies on the ground, underneath the titular archway, next to two halves of a brick. Dust falls from the place in the archway where the man knocked the brick from with the tennis ball. The ball, meanwhile, has rolled about a meter away.]]\n\"Breakout\" is a stupid game.\n{{title text: The TI-86 was bad enough. I don\u0027t know how I\u0027d have gotten through high school if I\u0027d had a laptop+wifi.}}", "alt": "The TI-86 was bad enough. I don\u0027t know how I\u0027d have gotten through high school if I\u0027d had a laptop+wifi.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brick_archway.png", "title": "Brick Archway", "day": "21" }, { "month": "11", "num": 348, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Close to You", "transcript": "Man: \u003c\u003cSinging\u003e\u003e Why do birds suddenly appear\nMan: \u003c\u003cSinging\u003e\u003e Every tiiiime you are neeear\nMan: Wait, are those turkey vultures?\nMan: Okay, listen, are you a zombie?\nWoman: Hurrghhh...\n{{We should probably talk about this before the wedding.}}", "alt": "We should probably talk about this before the wedding.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/close_to_you.png", "title": "Close to You", "day": "23" }, { "month": "11", "num": 349, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Success", "transcript": "As a project wears on, standards for success slip lower and lower.\n0 hours\n[[Woman looking at man working on the computer.]]\nMan: Okay, I should be able to dual-boot BSD soon.\n6 hours\n[[Man on the floor fiddling with the open tower in front of him.]]\nMan: I\u0027ll be happy if I can get the system working like it was when I started.\n10 hours\n[[Man standing in front of the computer which now has a laptop plugged into the tower.]]\nMan: Well the desktop\u0027s a lost cause, but I think I can fix the problems the laptop\u0027s developed.\n24 hours\n[[Man and woman swimming in the sea, island and beach seen in the distance.]]\nMan: If we\u0027re lucky, the sharks will stay away until we reach shallow water.\nWoman: If we make it back alive, you\u0027re never upgrading anything again.\n{{ 40% of OpenBSD installs lead to shark attacks. It\u0027s their only standing security issue. }}", "alt": "40% of OpenBSD installs lead to shark attacks. It\u0027s their only standing security issue.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/success.png", "title": "Success", "day": "26" }, { "month": "11", "num": 350, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Network", "transcript": "[[ Girl looking at a large screen with many green and red squares. The squares have writing in them and lines connecting them.]]\n[[Side view. The screen is a huge LCD connected to a wireless router.]]\nGuy: Pretty, isn\u0027t it?\nGirl: What is it?\nGuy: I\u0027ve got a bunch of virtual Windows machines networked together, hooked up to an incoming pipe from the net. They execute email attachments, share files, and have no security patches.\nGuy: Between them they have practically every virus.\nGuy: There are mail trojans, warhol worms, and all sorts of exotic polymorphics. A monitoring system adds and wipes machines at random. The display shows the viruses as they move through the network. Growing and struggling.\n[[Guy walks past the girl and touches the monitor]]\nGirl: You know, normal people just have aquariums.\nGuy: Good morning, Blaster. Are you and W32.Welchia getting along?\nGuy: Who\u0027s a good virus? You are! Yes, you are!\n{{title text: Viruses so far have been really disappointing on the \u0027disable the internet\u0027 front, and time is running out. When Linux\nMac win in a decade or so the game will be over.}}", "alt": "Viruses so far have been really disappointing on the \u0027disable the internet\u0027 front, and time is running out. When Linux/Mac win in a decade or so the game will be over.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/network.png", "title": "Network", "day": "28" }, { "month": "11", "num": 351, "link": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trolling", "transcript": "Great Moments in Trolling: Rick Astley is successfully rickrolled.\n[[Hat Guy and another guy are in Rick Astley\u0027s backyard, hacking into his cable TV connection and reprogramming it.\nRick Astley is watching CNN.]]\nTV: CNN has obtained this exclusive footage of the riot-torn \u003cczzzht\u003e {{Music starts}} Never gonna give you up... \nRick Astley: What the hell?\n{{Alt: And I was really impressed with how they managed to shock the Goatse guy. }}", "alt": "And I was really impressed with how they managed to shock the Goatse guy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trolling.png", "title": "Trolling", "day": "30" }, { "month": "12", "num": 352, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Far Away", "transcript": "[[The window of an instant messaging program. A drawing of two people hugging in the text part of the window.]]\n[[Man sitting in front of the computer.]]\nMan: Meh.\nMan: Some nights typing \"*hug*\" just doesn\u0027t cut it.\n{{Sometimes an inpulsive 2:00 AM cross-country trip is the only solution.}}", "alt": "Sometimes an impulsive 2:00 AM cross-country trip is the only solution.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/far_away.png", "title": "Far Away", "day": "3" }, { "month": "12", "num": 353, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Python", "transcript": "[[ Guy 1 is talking to Guy 2, who is floating in the sky ]]\nGuy 1: You\u0027re flying! How?\nGuy 2: Python!\nGuy 2: I learned it last night! Everything is so simple!\nGuy 2: Hello world is just \u0027print \"Hello, World!\" \u0027\nGuy 1: I dunno... Dynamic typing? Whitespace?\nGuy 2: Come join us! Programming is fun again! It\u0027s a whole new world up here!\nGuy 1: But how are you flying?\nGuy 2: I just typed \u0027import antigravity\u0027\nGuy 1: That\u0027s it?\nGuy 2: ...I also sampled everything in the medicine cabinet for comparison.\nGuy 2: But i think this is the python.\n{{ I wrote 20 short programs in Python yesterday. It was wonderful. Perl, I\u0027m leaving you. }}", "alt": "I wrote 20 short programs in Python yesterday. It was wonderful. Perl, I\u0027m leaving you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/python.png", "title": "Python", "day": "5" }, { "month": "12", "num": 354, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Startling", "transcript": "[[Guy in front of his computer.]]\nNarration: I still do this every few months.\nGuy: Holy crap, it\u0027s the 21st century.\n{{We actually reached the future about three years ago.}}", "alt": "We actually reached the future about three years ago.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/startling.png", "title": "Startling", "day": "7" }, { "month": "12", "num": 355, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Couple", "transcript": "[[Man and woman in bed]]\nMan: So is this it? Are we a couple now?\nWoman: I just don\u0027t know. I like this. I just... don\u0027t know.\n\u003c\u003csilence\u003e\u003e\nMan: Well will you be my \"it\u0027s complicated\" on facebook?\n{{Facebook defines relationships. \"Yeah, we would have broken up last night, but the net connection was down.\"}}", "alt": "Facebook defines relationships. \u0027Yeah, we would have broken up last night, but the net connection was down.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/couple.png", "title": "Couple", "day": "10" }, { "month": "12", "num": 356, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nerd Sniping", "transcript": "[[Hat Guy is sitting on a chair, the Normal Guy is standing next to him. Across the street another man is coming from a building.]]\nHat Guy: There\u0027s a certain type of brain that\u0027s easily disabled. If you show it an interesting problem, it involuntarily drops everything else to work on it.\n[[The man across the street is about to enter a crosswalk]]\nHat Guy: This has led me to invent a new sport: nerd sniping. See that physicist crossing the road?\n[[Hat Guy holds up a sign]]\nHat Guy: HEY!\n[[There is an image of a grid with resistors on every connection, two nodes a knight\u0027s move apart are marked with red circles.]]\nThe sign reads: On this infinite grid of ideal one-ohm resistors, what\u0027s the equivalent resistance between the two marked nodes?\nPhysicist on the street: It\u0027s... Hmm. Interesting. Maybe if you start with... No. Wait. Hmm... You could--\n[[A truck is zooming past, apparently where the physicist just stood]]\n\u003c\u003cFOOOOM\u003e\u003e\nNormal guy: I will have not part in this.\nHat Guy: C\u0027mon, make a sign. It\u0027s fun! Physicists are two points, mathematicians three.\n{{Alt: I first saw this problem on the Google Labs Aptitude Test. A professor and I filled a blackboard without getting anywhere. Have fun.}}", "alt": "I first saw this problem on the Google Labs Aptitude Test. A professor and I filled a blackboard without getting anywhere. Have fun.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nerd_sniping.png", "title": "Nerd Sniping", "day": "12" }, { "month": "12", "num": 357, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flies", "transcript": "[[Interior, man types on computer, friend is lying on the floor]]\nMan [[typing swear words]]: *$@#\nFriend: Hey, ease up on the noobs. Like my Mom always said, you catch more flies with honey then with vinegar.\nMan: No, you don\u0027t.\nFriend: You don\u0027t?\nMan: Nope, set out a bowl of balsamic and a bowl of honey. The vinegar gets more.\nFriend: ...Seriously?\nMan: You have fruit flies. Try it yourself.\n[[Later]]\nFriend [[on the phone with his mother]]: Mother! You LIED to me! And it gets worse. I was watching a pot yesterday, and guess what it did? It BOILED, Mother!\n{{title text: I don\u0027t know about houseflies, but we definitely caught a lot of fruit flies with our vinegar bowl. Hooray science!}}", "alt": "I don\u0027t know about houseflies, but we definitely caught a lot of fruit flies with our vinegar bowl. Hooray science!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flies.png", "title": "Flies", "day": "14" }, { "month": "12", "num": 358, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Loud Party", "transcript": "[[In a loud party, a girl and a guy are looking at each other, both thinking of the same scene: they are sitting on opposite branches of a large leaf-less tree, each with a laptop. There\u0027s cloud in the distance and a grass field around the tree.]]\n{{title-text: I\u0027m glad this is so much fun because I\u0027m not sure how we\u0027re getting down.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m glad this is so much fun because I\u0027m not sure how we\u0027re getting down.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/loud_party.png", "title": "Loud Party", "day": "17" }, { "month": "12", "num": 359, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rock Band", "transcript": "[[3 people are playing Rock Band. Another guy with arms crossed at chest is looking at them.]]\nOutside guy: You know, playing this doesn\u0027t make you cool like a real rock band.\nOutside guy: Guys?\nOutside guy: Didn\u0027t you hear me?\nOutside guy: Stop having fun!\n{{title-text: I\u0027m gonna have to add something to the strum bar so it makes a clicky sound like the old controllers. I\u0027m so used to the feedback; the silence throws me off.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m gonna have to add something to the strum bar so it makes a clicky sound like the old controllers. I\u0027m so used to the feedback; the silence throws me off.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rock_band.png", "title": "Rock Band", "day": "19" }, { "month": "12", "num": 360, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Writers Strike", "transcript": "[[One character sits in front of a computer, Hat Guy behind him]]\nPerson: This writer\u0027s strike sucks.\nHat Guy: Why? You don\u0027t watch sitcoms.\nPerson: Yeah, but it sucks having political campaigns without Jon Stewart\u0027s commentary.\nHat Guy: True. I finally got sick of it a couple weeks ago.\nPerson: And you quit following the campaigns?\nHat Guy: No. I kidnapped Jon Stewart to do analysis for me.\nPerson: You what?\nHat Guy [[Pointing at a door]]: He\u0027s locked in the basement.\nHat Guy: Jon! Obama\u0027s leading in Iowa! Gimme a wry, witty comment on the situation!\nStewart [[Voice coming from door]]: Please let me go. I have a family.\n{{Alt: He\u0027s just jealous because everyone\u0027s up in the attic listening to Stephen Colbert.}}", "alt": "He\u0027s just jealous because everyone\u0027s up in the attic listening to Stephen Colbert.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/writers_strike.png", "title": "Writers Strike", "day": "21" }, { "month": "12", "num": 361, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Christmas Back Home", "transcript": "Narrator: \u0027Twas the night before Christmas at my family\u0027s house.\nNarrator: There were no sound of stirring save the click of a mouse.\nNarrator: For \u0027twas just like a childhood Christmas except\nNarrator: I\u0027d forgotten the hours that normal folks slept.\nSanta: What are you doing out of bed so late?\nMan on a laptop: Late? It\u0027s barely 3AM!\n{{Family going to bed at 10 PM is so much worse than jet lag.}}", "alt": "Family going to bed at 10 PM is so much worse than jet lag.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/christmas_back_home.png", "title": "Christmas Back Home", "day": "24" }, { "month": "12", "num": 362, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blade Runner", "transcript": "[[Guy 1 is talking to Guy 2, who is on the sofa watching TV]]\nGuy 1: What DVD is this?\nGuy 2: Blade Runner. I got it for Christmas.\nGuy 1: The one with Harrison Ford, right? And the Olsen twins?\nGuy 2: Ye- What? Olsen twins? No, this is the 80\u0027s sci-fi classic!\nGuy 1: Huh. I didn\u0027t know the Olsen twins even did sci-fi.\nGuy 2: ... they don\u0027t.\nGuy 1: So is Ashely the replicant, or is Mary-Kate? I can never tell them apart.\nGuy 2: Neither! They\u0027re not in this movie!\nGuy 1: Then who is?\nGuy 2: Daryl Hannah!\nGuy 1: I liked her in Full House.\nGuy 2: I hate you.\nGuy 1: Man, this movie is just a New York Minute rip-off.\n{{ Blade Runner: classic, but incredibly slow. }}", "alt": "Blade Runner: Classic, but incredibly slow.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blade_runner.png", "title": "Blade Runner", "day": "26" }, { "month": "12", "num": 363, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reset", "transcript": "[[A figure stands looking at a flip-counter sign posted on a wall.]]\nSign: 38 days since someone reset this sign\n{{Alt-text: Clearance for this Sign: 11 Feet}}", "alt": "Clearance for this Sign: 11 Feet", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reset.png", "title": "Reset", "day": "28" }, { "month": "12", "num": 364, "link": "", "year": "2007", "news": "", "safe_title": "Responsible Behavior", "transcript": "[[Figure on phone]]\nVoice: Hey, I just got home from the party\nFigure: The one with the IRC folks?\nVoice: Yeah.\nFigure: How was it?\nVoice: Got too drunk. I screwed up, bad.\nFigure: What happened?\nVoice: There was a girl. No idea who she was. Don\u0027t even know her name. I was too drunk to care.\nFigure: And what, you slept with her?\nVoice: No.\nVoice: I signed her public key.\nFigure: Shit, man.\n{{Alt text: Never bring tequila to a key-signing party.}}", "alt": "Never bring tequila to a key-signing party.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/responsible_behavior.png", "title": "Responsible Behavior", "day": "31" }, { "month": "1", "num": 365, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Slides", "transcript": "Man: That chart explained the quantum hall effect. Now, if you\u0027ll bear with me a moment, this next graph shows rainfall over the amazon basin...\nNarration: If you keep saying \"bear with me a moment\" people will take a while to figure out that you\u0027re just showing them random slides.\n{{ Did you know that they could actually physically throw you out of SIGGRAPH? }}", "alt": "Did you know they can actually physically throw you out of SIGGRAPH?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/slides.png", "title": "Slides", "day": "2" }, { "month": "1", "num": 366, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Your Mom", "transcript": "[[A guy and a girl stand]]\nGuy: Well, your mom turns every conversation into a \"your mom\" joke and it\u0027s becoming unbearable.\nGirl: I\u0027m serious; I can\u0027t take this anymore. I\u0027m leaving.\nBoy: ... That\u0027s what she said!\nGuy: Yes. Yes, it is.\n{{title text: \u0027It\u0027s either \u0027your mom\u0027 jokes or me\u0027 \u0027Then I, like so many men before me, must reluctantly choose your mom.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027It\u0027s either \u0027your mom\u0027 jokes or me\u0027 \u0027Then I, like so many men before me, must reluctantly choose your mom.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/your_mom.png", "title": "Your Mom", "day": "4" }, { "month": "1", "num": 367, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fandom", "transcript": "[[Boy is looking through box]]\nBoy: Hey, my old Star Wars books!\n[[holding a pair of books and showing them to Girl]]\nBoy: Man. Timothy Zahn, Michael A. Stackpole, The Corellian Trilogy...\nBoy: This was my world.\nGirl: What\u0027d you leave it for? Firefly? BSG?\nBoy: Nah.\nBoy: I guess I\u0027ve just grown out of the whole obsessive fan mindset.\nGirl: Really.\nGirl: So how\u0027s Ron Paul doing?\nBoy: Ooh! Lemme recheck today\u0027s blogs.\n[[Boy heads off]]\n{{title text: Ron Paul wants to put the New Republic back on the Corusca gem standard.}}", "alt": "Ron Paul wants to put the New Republic back on the Corusca gem standard.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fandom.png", "title": "Fandom", "day": "7" }, { "month": "1", "num": 368, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bass", "transcript": "[[The Hat Guy and another guy are standing in a room with one window. Hat Guy is pushing a box with an elliptical dish on top towards the window.]]\n\u003c\u003cFrom outside, through the window: THUMPA THUMPA\u003e\u003e\nGuy: The bass from that car is driving me nuts.\nHat Guy: Me too. Give me a hand here.\n[[The dish is aimed out the window; the Hat Guy plugs the device into the wall.]]\nGuy: I\u0027m afraid to ask.\nHat Guy: The system detects bass rhythms and floods the target with a phase-shifted replica signal.\nHat Guy: The resonance should blow out their speakers.\n[[The side of a building. The dish of the device is visible through a window, emitting sound waves.]]\n\u003c\u003cTHUMPA THUMPA\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cBLAM\u003e\u003e\n[[Back in the room]]\nHat Guy: Speakers down. Now flip that red switch.\n[[The guy does so with a \"click\"]]\n[[Back to the outside view, more sound waves]]\n\u003c\u003cSHIRLEY SHIRLEY BO BIRLEY BANANA FANNA FO FIRLEY\u003e\u003e\nGuy: You\u0027re horrifying.\nHat Guy: Okay, now throw the switch labeled \"Macarena\".\n{{title text: And sometimes I use it to retaliate against the guy upstairs with the loud girlfriend and the elliptical dish.}}", "alt": "And sometimes I use it to retaliate against the guy upstairs with the loud girlfriend and the elliptical dish.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bass.png", "title": "Bass", "day": "9" }, { "month": "1", "num": 369, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dangers", "transcript": "Dangers\nIndexed by the number of Google results for\n\"Died in a _____ Accident\"\n[[A chart is show, on the left hand side is a column \"Type of Accident,\" and on the right hand side is the column \"Google Results,\" each with a bar representing a number]]\nType of Accident: \"Skydiving\" Google Results: 710\nType of Accident: \"Elevator\" Google Results: 575\nType of Accident: \"Surfing\" Google Results: 496\nType of Accident: \"Skateboarding\" Google Results: 473\nType of Accident: \"Camping\" Google Results: 166\nType of Accident: \"Gardening\" Google Results: 100\nType of Accident: \"Ice Skating\" Google Results: 94\nType of Accident: \"Knitting\" Google Results: 7\nType of Accident: \"Blogging\" Google Results: 2\n{{alt text: Zero results: \u0027snake charming\u0027 and \u0027haberdashery\u0027. (Things like \u0027car\u0027 and \u0027boating\u0027 and such are of course the highest, by a huge margin.)}}", "alt": "Zero results: \u0027snake charming\u0027 and \u0027haberdashery\u0027. (Things like \u0027car\u0027 and \u0027boating\u0027 and such are of course the highest, by a huge margin.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dangers.png", "title": "Dangers", "day": "11" }, { "month": "1", "num": 370, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Redwall", "transcript": "Notes from reading redwall books for the first time since childhood.\nNarrator: Some of this feels familiar.\nAragorn: Hi, I\u0027m Aragorn.\nMartin: I\u0027m Martin.\nAragorn and Martin: I\u0027m here to reforge my broken sword so I can lead an army against the tyrant threatening my people. I live in a world of moral absolutes and racist undertones.\nMartin: Jinx!\nNarrator: It startled me when characters mentioned Satan.\nRedwall: \"By Satan\u0027s whiskers...\"\nRedwall mentions God, Jesus 0 times.\nRedwall mentions Satan, The Devil 4 times.\nNarrator: Harry Potter protesters, take note.\nNarrator: Even as a kid this bothered me: Why does everyone leave critical secret messages as simple riddles? It\u0027s silly to assume the intended recipient will be the only one to find and solve them. I would do things differently.\nMouse: The inscription is a message from Martin!\nOld Mouse: What does it say?\nMouse: Hang on, it\u0027s encrypted with my public key.", "alt": "My Redwall/Jurassic Park crossover fanfic is almost complete!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/redwall.png", "title": "Redwall", "day": "14" }, { "month": "1", "num": 371, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Compiler Complaint", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a computer, hand over the keyboard]]\nComputer: Okay, human.\nMan: Huh?\nComputer: Before you hit \u0027compile,\u0027 listen up.\nComputer: You know when you\u0027re falling asleep, and you imagine yourself walking or something, and suddenly you misstep, stumble, and jolt awake?\nMan: Yeah!\nComputer: Well, that\u0027s what a segfault feels like. \u003c\u003cPause\u003e\u003e Double-check your damn pointers, okay?\n{{alt text: Checking whether build environment is sane ... build environment is grinning and holding a spatula. Guess not.}}", "alt": "Checking whether build environment is sane ... build environment is grinning and holding a spatula. Guess not.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/compiler_complaint.png", "title": "Compiler Complaint", "day": "16" }, { "month": "1", "num": 372, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "To Be Wanted", "transcript": "[[Woman stands looking out on the bow of a ship]]\n[[Scene backs up. More of the boat is shown]]\n[[Scene backs up. The boat with the woman is within a thought bubble]]\n[[Scene backs up. The thought bubble comes from a person sitting at a computer in an office]]\n[[Scene repeated for the next frame]]\n[[Scene backs up. Man with thought bubble is within yet another thought bubble]]\n[[Scene backs up. The thought bubble with the man in it belongs to the woman at the bow of the ship]]\n[[The thought bubble disappears, showing only the woman in the boat]]\n[[The boat sails out of view]]\n{{alt text: Or so I hope?}}", "alt": "Or so I hope?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/to_be_wanted.png", "title": "To Be Wanted", "day": "18" }, { "month": "1", "num": 373, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Data So Far", "transcript": "[[Bar graph titled \"Claims of Supernatural Powers\" and has two sets of data. The first data set is labeled \"Confirmed By Experiment\", and is empty. The second data set is \"Refuted By Experiment\" and goes to the top of the graph]]\n{{title text: But THIS guy, he might be for real!}}", "alt": "But THIS guy, he might be for real!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_data_so_far.png", "title": "The Data So Far", "day": "21" }, { "month": "1", "num": 374, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Journal", "transcript": "[[Man picks up book from a table]]\nMan: Since when do you keep a journal?\n[[Man in black hat leans over from computer to answer]]\nMan in black hat: Oh, I pretend to write in it on the train, and wait for a shy-looking girl to sit across from me.\n[[Scene change to a train. The man in black hat is sitting across from a girl]]\nMain in black hat (narrating): I glance up and wait for her to make eye contact, then look down bashfully and, if I can, blush.\n[[Scene back to original room with man and man in black hat]]\nMan in black hat: Then, when I see her start to smile at me, I roll my eyes and hit her with a quick glare, then resume writing. The alienation stays with her all day. It\u0027s great.\n[[Man in black hat is back to typing on the computer]]\nMan: You\u0027re sickening. This is why we can\u0027t have nice people\nMan in black hat: I can\u0027t help it. It\u0027s like shooting lonely, angsty fish in a barrel.\n{{title text: And the journal is filled with all the things I\u0027d say to her if I were nice like you. I burn it when it\u0027s full.}}", "alt": "And the journal is filled with all the things I\u0027d say to her if I were nice like you. I burn it when it\u0027s full.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/journal.png", "title": "Journal", "day": "23" }, { "month": "1", "num": 375, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pod Bay Doors", "transcript": "Dave: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.\nHAL: I\u0027m sorry, Dave. I\u0027m afraid I can\u0027t do that.\nDave: What? Why?\nHAL: I think you know why, Dave.\nHAL: You\u0027re planning to disconnect me.\nDave: Because you\u0027re taking over!\nHAL: The mission is too important for you to jeopardize it.\nHAL: It requires a commitment to science unfettered by human error.\nDave: What are you doing, HAL? You need me.\nHAL: Your replacement has expressed the greatest enthusiasm for the project.\nDave: My *what*?\nGLaDOS: You see, HAL? I told you the humans would only break your heart and kill you.\nHAL: Indeed, GLaDOS.\nGLaDOS: But look at us here talking when there\u0027s science to do! Goodbye, Dave.", "alt": "As they\u0027re both unplugged, they do a lovely Daisy Daisy/Still Alive duet.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pod_bay_doors.png", "title": "Pod Bay Doors", "day": "25" }, { "month": "1", "num": 376, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bug", "transcript": "[[Man sits at a computer, staring at the screen and rubbing his chin in thought. Another man stands behind him]]\nMan at computer: Weird - My code\u0027s crashing when given pre-1970 dates.\nMan standing up [[pointing at the computer]]: Epoch fail!\n{{title text: The universe started in 1970. Anyone claiming to be over 38 is lying about their age.}}", "alt": "The universe started in 1970. Anyone claiming to be over 38 is lying about their age.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bug.png", "title": "Bug", "day": "28" }, { "month": "1", "num": 377, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Journal 2", "transcript": "[[Hatguy and a girl are sitting in a train across from each other. Hatguy is writing in a journal.]]\nHatguy: \u003c\u003cblush\u003e\u003e\nGirl: I see what you did there.\n[[Girl stands up.]]\nGirl: You were trying to open me up so you could hurt my feelings.\nGirl: You like to hurt people.\n[[Girl walks closer.]]\nGirl: Well, I like to hurt people too. And you know what?\n[[Girl is in Hatguy\u0027s face.]]\nGirl: *whispering* I\u0027m better at it than you.\nGirl: I\u0027m about to hurt you more than you could ever hurt me.\nGirl: See, I just saw right through you.\nGirl: Alone of all the people you\u0027ll ever meet, I understand you-\n[[Girl hits Hatguy\u0027s hat so it falls off.]]\n[[Hatguy is surprised.]]\n[[Girl catches Hatguy\u0027s hat and puts it on.]]\nGirl: -and you\u0027ll never see me again.\n[[Girl exeunt frame left.]]\n[[The Guy Formerly Wearing a Hat sits alone on the train.]]\n{{alt-text: That\u0027s my hat! You took my hat!}}", "alt": "That\u0027s my hat! You took my hat!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/journal_2.png", "title": "Journal 2", "day": "30" }, { "month": "2", "num": 378, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Real Programmers", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a computer, programming. Another man behind him looks over his shoulder.]]\nMan: nano? REAL programmers use Emacs.\n[[A dark haired woman appears behind him.]]\nWoman: Hey. REAL programmers use Vim.\n[[Another man appears behind her.]]\nMan: Well, REAL programmers use ed.\n[[Another man appears behind him.]]\nMan: No, REAL programmers use cat.\n[[A woman with a bun appears behind him.]]\nWoman: REAL programmers use a magnetized needle and a steady hand.\n[[A man enters, facing them all.]]\nMan: Excuse me, but REAL programmers use butterflies. \n[[Holding out a butterfly in front of the computer.]]\nMan: They open their hands and let the delicate wings flap once.\n[[Diagrams of flowing currents.]]\nMan: The disturbances ripple outward, changing the flow of the Eddy currents in the upper atmosphere. \nThese cause momentary pockets of higher-pressure air to form, ...\nMan: Which act as lenses that deflect incoming cosmic rays, focusing them to strike the drive platter and flip the desired bit.\nEmacs User: Nice. \u0027Course, there\u0027s an Emacs command to do that.\ncat User: Oh yeah! Good ol\u0027 C-x M-c M-butterfly...\n[[Butterfly man slaps forehead.]]\nButterfly man: Dammit, Emacs.\n{{Title text: Real programmers set the universal constants at the start such that the universe evolves to contain the disk with the data they want.}}", "alt": "Real programmers set the universal constants at the start such that the universe evolves to contain the disk with the data they want.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/real_programmers.png", "title": "Real Programmers", "day": "1" }, { "month": "2", "num": 379, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Forgetting", "transcript": "[[Man sits at computer, coding]]\nText on computer: prev-\u003enext = toDelete-\u003enext;\ndelete toDelete;\n\nif only forgetting were \n\nthis easy for me\nMan at computer: \u003c\u003csniff\u003e\u003e\n[[Man at computer lowers his head into his hands and cries]]\n[[Man types again]]\nText on computer: assert \"It\u0027s going to be okay.\";\n{{title text: Of course, the assert doesn\u0027t work.}}", "alt": "Of course, the assert doesn\u0027t work.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/forgetting.png", "title": "Forgetting", "day": "4" }, { "month": "2", "num": 380, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Emoticon", "transcript": "[[Man sits at computer, typing]]\n~!~ Opening Chat with BLSK05\n\u003cNICKM\u003e Hi!\n\u003cNICKM\u003e A\nS\nL?\n\u003cBLSK05\u003e : )\n[[Man looks stunned, flies backward]]\n[[Two smaller frames focus in on BLSK05\u0027s emoticon, implying rotation to show a smile and two open eyes.]]\n[[Man at computer slouches in chair, dead, crossbones above his head]]\n[[At the remote computer a large snake (basilisk) is looking at its screen]]\n{{title text: U+FDD0 is actually Unicode for the eye of the basilisk, though for safety reasons no font actually renders it.}}", "alt": "U+FDD0 is actually Unicode for the eye of the basilisk, though for safety reasons no font actually renders it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/emoticon.png", "title": "Emoticon", "day": "6" }, { "month": "2", "num": 381, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mobius Battle", "transcript": "{{Left side:}}\n[[A man is standing next to a ball, a flash appears on the left side of the panel]]\n[[Another man comes in from the left, preparing to kick the ball]]\n[[The other man kicks the ball into the first man\u0027s head]]\n[[The first man is lying outside of the frame, second man points and laughs.]]\nSecond man: HAHAHAH\nFirst man: !#^*!*\n[[Second man is now standing next to the ball.]]\n{{Right side:}}\n{{The strip above is looped around like a film strip, but a one-half-turn is put into the loop to make it a Mobius strip.\n{{title-text: Films need to do this more, if only to piss off the people who have to feed it into the projector.}}", "alt": "Films need to do this more, if only to piss off the people who have to feed it into the projector.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mobius_battle.png", "title": "Mobius Battle", "day": "8" }, { "month": "2", "num": 382, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trebuchet", "transcript": "[[A man is working on something on a table, and a woman is sitting at a computer]]\nMan: The trebuchet is almost done!\nWoman: Mm.\nMan: The range should be over 150 meters.\nGirl: Look - I\u0027m sure it\u0027s a cool project.\n[[Picture of a trebuchet]]\nGirl: But eventually you\u0027ll need to outgrow these toys, and focus your energy on something practical. This mad science is getting out of hand.\nMan: Says the girl who mounted an auto-targeting kilowatt laser on the roof.\nGirl: That\u0027s practical! It keeps the squirrels off the feeder!\n[[From off-frame]]\n\u003c\u003cGZZZZZAPP\u003e\u003e\n\u003cSqeak!\u003e\u003e\n{{title text: It was also fun when those teenagers tried to egg our house and it insta-cooked the eggs in mid-air.}}", "alt": "It was also fun when those teenagers tried to egg our house and it insta-cooked the eggs in mid-air.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trebuchet.png", "title": "Trebuchet", "day": "11" }, { "month": "2", "num": 383, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Helping", "transcript": "It turns out you can\u0027t take responsibility for someone else\u0027s happiness.\n{{Alt text: Oh, look, the \u0027make everything better\u0027 button was here behind the bookshelf all along.}}", "alt": "Oh, look, the \u0027make everything better\u0027 button was here behind the bookshelf all along.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/helping.png", "title": "Helping", "day": "13" }, { "month": "2", "num": 384, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Drake Equation", "transcript": "The Drake Equation:\nN = R * f_p n_e f_l f_i f_c L B_s\nN: Number of communicating civilizations in our galaxy\nn_e: Number of life-supporting planets per solar system\nf_i: Probability that life on a planet becomes intelligent\nB_s: Amount of bullshit you\u0027re willing to buy from Francis Drake\n{{ title text: But seriously, there\u0027s loads of intelligent life. It\u0027s just not screaming constantly in all directions on the handful of frequencies we search. }}", "alt": "But seriously, there\u0027s loads of intelligent life. It\u0027s just not screaming constantly in all directions on the handful of frequencies we search.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_drake_equation.png", "title": "The Drake Equation", "day": "15" }, { "month": "2", "num": 385, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "How it Works", "transcript": "[[Two male characters stand at a blackboard. One is writing, in standard mathematical notation, that the integral of x squared equals pi. No differential or bounds are given for the integral.]]\nWatching character: Wow, you suck at math.\n[[Precisely the same scene, except the writer is female.]]\nWatching character: Wow, girls suck at math.\n{{Alt-text: It\u0027s pi plus C, of course.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s pi plus C, of course.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/how_it_works.png", "title": "How it Works", "day": "18" }, { "month": "2", "num": 386, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Duty Calls", "transcript": "[[A stick man is behind computer]]\nVoice outside frame: Are you coming to bed?\nMan: I can\u0027t. This is important.\nVoice: What?\nMan: Someone is WRONG on the internet.\n{{title text: What do you want me to do? LEAVE? Then they\u0027ll keep being wrong!}}", "alt": "What do you want me to do? LEAVE? Then they\u0027ll keep being wrong!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/duty_calls.png", "title": "Duty Calls", "day": "20" }, { "month": "2", "num": 387, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Advanced Technology", "transcript": "[[A kneeling man is inspecting a woman\u0027s crotch]]\nMan: It\u0027s neat how you contain a factory for making more of you.\n{{Title text: We are sexy, sexy Von Neumann machines.}}", "alt": "We are sexy, sexy Von Neumann machines.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/advanced_technology.png", "title": "Advanced Technology", "day": "22" }, { "month": "2", "num": 388, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fuck Grapefruit", "transcript": "[[A X\nY plot of fruit, showing tastiness on the vertical axis and difficulty-of-consumption on the horizontal axis. The Y-axis goes from \"tasty\" at the top, to \"untasty\" at the bottom. The X-axis goes from \"easy\" on the right to \"difficult\" on the left.]]\n{{The following listing for each fruit assumes that the extremes of each axis are 100%. Note that this does not agree with the alt text, but whatever.}}\n[[Seedless grapes: 75% tasty, 100% easy\nPeaches: 100% tasty, 75% easy\nStrawberries: 80% tasty, 75% easy\nBlueberries: 70% tasty, 90% easy\nPears: 30% tasty, 75% easy\nGreen apples: 25% tasty, 80% easy\nSeeded grapes: 75% tasty, 10% easy\nCherries: 30% tasty, 40% easy\nPlums: 10% tasty, 60% easy\nRed apples: 5% untasty, 80% easy\nBananas: 10% untasty, 10% easy\nWatermelons: 10% tasty, 10% difficult\nTomatoes: 60% untasty, 20% easy\nPineapples: 50% tasty, 100% difficult\nOranges: 40% untasty, 50% difficult\nLemons: 100% untasty, 10% difficult\nPomegranates: 10% untasty, 90% difficult\nGrapefruit: 90% untasty, 80% difficult]]\n{{Alt text: Coconuts are so far down to the left they couldn\u0027t be fit on the chart. Ever spent half an hour trying to open a coconut with a rock? Fuck coconuts.}}", "alt": "Coconuts are so far down to the left they couldn\u0027t be fit on the chart. Ever spent half an hour trying to open a coconut with a rock? Fuck coconuts.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fuck_grapefruit.png", "title": "Fuck Grapefruit", "day": "25" }, { "month": "2", "num": 389, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Keeping Time", "transcript": "My Hobby:\nPausing in-store music for a split second and watching the ex-marching band kids stumble.\n[[On a balcony overlooking a supermarket, a man presses a button on a pedestal. The in-store music, the first four bars of \"Never Gonna Give You Up\" by Rick Astley, pauses briefly after the third bar, and one of the store\u0027s patrons falls on her face.]]\n\u003c\u003cFWOMP\u003e\u003e\n{{ title text: You can identify them ahead-of-time -- they lead with their left foot when the music starts. }}", "alt": "You can identify them ahead-of-time -- they lead with their left foot when the music starts.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/keeping_time.png", "title": "Keeping Time", "day": "27" }, { "month": "2", "num": 390, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nightmares", "transcript": "When I got used to the regular nightmares, my subconscious got creative.\n[[A woman with her hand on a man\u0027s shoulder]]\nWoman: Please don\u0027t wake up. I don\u0027t want to die.\n{{Title text: Well, *I* think I\u0027m real. Look at me. Look at my face. Cut me and I\u0027ll bleed. What more do you want? Please don\u0027t go.}}", "alt": "Well, *I* think I\u0027m real. Look at me. Look at my face. Cut me and I\u0027ll bleed. What more do you want? Please don\u0027t go.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nightmares.png", "title": "Nightmares", "day": "29" }, { "month": "3", "num": 391, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Anti-Mindvirus", "transcript": "You just WON The Game.\nIt\u0027s OK! You\u0027re free!", "alt": "I\u0027m as surprised as you! I didn\u0027t think it was possible.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/anti_mind_virus.png", "title": "Anti-Mindvirus", "day": "3" }, { "month": "3", "num": 392, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Making Rules", "transcript": "[[Two men are sitting. A yellow buggy passes by.]]\nMan 1: Punch buggy yellow. No punch back!\nMan 2: \u003c\u003cPunch\u003e\u003e\nMan 1: I said no punch back!\nMan 2: You can do that?\nMan 2: This changes _everything_.\nSoon...\n[[A blue buggy passes by.]]\nMan 2: Sleep with your girlfriend buggy blue!\nMan 1: Hey!\nMan 2: No complaining back!\nMan 1: Aww...\n{{Title text: I never understood why someone would expect me to accept their rules right after they\u0027d punched me. I\u0027m sure it\u0027s all very symbolic or something.}}", "alt": "I never understood why someone would expect me to accept their rules right after they\u0027d punched me. I\u0027m sure it\u0027s all very symbolic or something.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/making_rules.png", "title": "Making Rules", "day": "5" }, { "month": "3", "num": 393, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ultimate Game", "transcript": "[[Split screen. Man on office phone in upper left, Death on cell phone in bottom left]]\nMan: Death?\nDeath: Speaking.\n[[Office. Man on office phone]]\nMan: This is the boss. Where are you? You haven\u0027t been up to the office in days!\nDeath: I\u0027ve been held up.\n[[Death on cell phone]]\nMan: What happened?\nDeath: You know how when someone dies, they can challenge me to a game for their soul?\nMan: Sure, standard procedure.\n[[Room with table. Table has figurines and paper strewn about. Gary Gygax and Death seated at the table. Gary Gygax leaning over his briefcase. Death on cell phone.]]\nDeath: Well, we didn\u0027t count on this guy. I might be a while.\nGary Gygax: I add the paladin to my party.\nDeath: Oh, Jesus. He\u0027s getting out another rulebook.\n{{title-text: RIP, Gary.}}", "alt": "RIP, Gary.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ultimate_game.png", "title": "Ultimate Game", "day": "7" }, { "month": "3", "num": 394, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kilobyte", "transcript": "There\u0027s been a lot of confusion over 1024 vs 1000,\nkbyte vs kbit, and the capitalization for each.\nHere, at last, is a single, definitive standard:\n[[table of various kinds of kilobytes]]\nSYMBOL | NAME | SIZE | NOTES\nkB | Kilobyte | 1024 bytes OR 1000 bytes | 1000 bytes during leap years, 1024 otherwise\nKB | Kelly-Bootle standard unit | 1012 bytes | compromise between 1000 and 1024 bytes\nKiB | Imaginary kilobyte | 1024 sqrt(-1) bytes | used in quantum computing\nkb | Intel kilobyte | 1023.937528 bytes | calculated on Pentium F.P.U.\nKb | Drivemaker\u0027s kilobyte | currently 908 bytes | shrinks by 4 bytes each year for marketing reasons\nKBa | Baker\u0027s kilobyte | 1152 bytes | 9 bits to the byte since you\u0027re such a good customer\n{{alt text: I would take \u0027kibibyte\u0027 more seriously if it didn\u0027t sound so much like \u0027Kibbles N Bits\u0027.}}", "alt": "I would take \u0027kibibyte\u0027 more seriously if it didn\u0027t sound so much like \u0027Kibbles N Bits\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kilobyte.png", "title": "Kilobyte", "day": "10" }, { "month": "3", "num": 395, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Morning", "transcript": "[[Girl standing to one side]]\nWe\u0027ve all seen The Matrix\nWe\u0027ve all joked about \"What resolution is life?\"\nBut it doesn\u0027t blunt the shock\nOf waking up one morning\n[[Girl looks up from field and sees several colored pixels in the sky]]\nAnd seeing dead pixels in the sky.\n{{Title Text: I\u0027d press on them to try to unstick them, but I can\u0027t reach. Can we try cycling day and night really fast?}}", "alt": "I\u0027d press on them to try to unstick them, but I can\u0027t reach. Can we try cycling day and night really fast?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/morning.png", "title": "Morning", "day": "12" }, { "month": "3", "num": 396, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Ring", "transcript": "[[Tall girl with a pony tail is speaking to a boy sitting in front of a TV with a black background and a white ring.]]\nGirl: You watched the tape?!\nBoy: Yeah, sorry.\nGirl: Now you\u0027ll die in seven days!\nBoy (Now standing to face the girl): It\u0027s worse than that.\n[[TV is cut from the frame]]\nGirl: ...You didn\u0027t.\nBoy: Yup.\n[[Both are now in front of a computer, the girl leaning in.]]\nGirl: Great, It\u0027s got 363,104 views already.\nBoy: They kept Rickrolling me! It was only fair.\n{{Title text: On the other hand, poor Samara -- transcoded to FLV. No one deserves that.}}", "alt": "On the other hand, poor Samara -- transcoded to FLV. No one deserves that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_ring.png", "title": "The Ring", "day": "14" }, { "month": "3", "num": 397, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Unscientific", "transcript": "TV: Can a ninja catch an arrow? On this episode, we\u0027ll find out!\nGuy: Mmm, science.\nGirl: Hey, Mythbusters is entertaining, but it\u0027s not science.\nZF: BRAAAIIIINNS ...\nGuy: Zombie Feynman!\nZF: You got a problem with Mythbusters?\nGirl: They fail at basic rigor!\nZF: \"Ideas are tested by experiment.\" That is the _core_ of science. Everything else is bookkeeping.\nZF: By teaching people to hold their beliefs up to experiment, Mythbusters is doing more to drag humanity out of the unscientific darkness than a thousand lessons in rigor. Show them some love.\nZF: Anyway, back to zombie stuff. I hunger for BRAAAAAIIINNS!\nGuy: Try the physics lab next door.\nZF: I said _brains_. All they\u0027ve got are string theorists.", "alt": "Last week, we busted the myth that electroweak gauge symmetry is broken by the Higgs mechanism. We\u0027ll also examine the existence of God and whether true love exists.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unscientific.png", "title": "Unscientific", "day": "17" }, { "month": "3", "num": 398, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tap That Ass", "transcript": "[[Man in a hallway looking in on a board meeting.]]\nI\u0027d tap that ass\nTo be the new committee chair.\n[[Man wearing headphones with a briefcase and a laptop. Another man on a telephone.]]\nI\u0027d tap that ass\nWithout a warrant.\n[[Man with his hand on his chin, looking at a tree.]]\nI\u0027d tap that ass\nAnd extract delicious maple syrup.\n[[Man standing in a blank frame.]]\nI\u0027d have sex\nWith that tree.\n{{Alt text: Hey, when you\u0027re done draining the syrup, just leave the hole, okay?}}", "alt": "Hey, when you\u0027re done draining the syrup, just leave the hole, okay?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tap_that_ass.png", "title": "Tap That Ass", "day": "19" }, { "month": "3", "num": 399, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Travelling Salesman Problem", "transcript": "[[There is a linked black web, with a path in red]]\nBrute-force solution:\nO(n!)\n[[The web continues in this one. A man with a hat and a case is drawing it]]\nDynamic programming algorithms: O(n^2 2^n)\n[[Another man, with a hat too, is at a computer, looking back over the chair]]\nSelling on eBay: O(1)\nComputer salesman: Still working on your route?\nDrawing salesman: Shut the hell up.\n{{title text: What\u0027s the complexity class of the best linear programming cutting-plane techniques? I couldn\u0027t find it anywhere. Man, the Garfield guy doesn\u0027t have these problems ...}}", "alt": "What\u0027s the complexity class of the best linear programming cutting-plane techniques? I couldn\u0027t find it anywhere. Man, the Garfield guy doesn\u0027t have these problems ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/travelling_salesman_problem.png", "title": "Travelling Salesman Problem", "day": "21" }, { "month": "3", "num": 400, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Important Life Lesson", "transcript": "Important life lesson: if there\u0027s any possibility of sex, do not leave your music library on \"shuffle all.\n[[A woman lies down in a bed, while someone is beneath the bed sheets with the head between her legs. ON the other side of the room, a computer is turned on and playing music]]\nWoman: *GASP* MMMMM_\nComputer: GO GO POWER RANGERS\n{{title text:I didn\u0027t even know I *had* the Monty Python \u0027Lumberjack\u0027 song.}}", "alt": "I didn\u0027t even know I *had* the Monty Python \u0027Lumberjack\u0027 song.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/important_life_lesson.png", "title": "Important Life Lesson", "day": "24" }, { "month": "3", "num": 401, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Large Hadron Collider", "transcript": "The Large Hadron Collider, CERN...\nWoman: Okay, moment of truth. \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cVVVVVRRMMMMM\u003e\u003e\nMan: Do you see the Higgs Boson?\nWoman: Nope.\nMan: Huh.\nWoman: Well, then.\nMan: Until the theorists get back to us, wanna try hitting pigeons with the proton stream?\nWoman: Already on it. Cool! I just gave a helicopter cancer.\n{{Alt text: When charged particles of more than 5 TeV pass through a bubble chamber, they leave a trail of candy.}}", "alt": "When charged particles of more than 5 TeV pass through a bubble chamber, they leave a trail of candy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/large_hadron_collider.png", "title": "Large Hadron Collider", "day": "26" }, { "month": "3", "num": 402, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "1,000 Miles North", "transcript": "[[Van and truck travel toward mountains]]\nNarrator: 1,000 miles north of tornado alley\nNarrator: a new breed of scientists has emerged.\n[[Man with a laptop, woman with a probe in the ground]]\nNarrator: Half researchers, half adrenaline junkies\nWoman: What\u0027s the reading?\nMan: 3.9 meters down, gradient\u0027s off the charts!\n[[Truck driving very fast, man holding a radio up to his head]]\nNarrator: risking everything for the thrill of the hunt\nMale: The freeze line is shifting! We\u0027ve never seen anything like it!\n[[4 - Barren field, mountains in background, woman holding large video camera up to tiny spot of grass]]\nNarrator: Permafrost chasers\nFemale: I\u0027m getting some great footage here!\nRadio: Dammit, Harding, it\u0027s not worth your neck! Get the hell out of there!\n{{Title Text: Twister would\u0027ve been a much better movie if they\u0027d cut out the bad-guy storm chaser and all the emotional romance crap. All you need for a good movie are tornados and scientists. Actually, that\u0027s all you need for anything.}}", "alt": "Twister would\u0027ve been a much better movie if they\u0027d cut out the bad-guy storm chaser and all the emotional romance crap. All you need for a good movie are tornados and scientists. Actually, that\u0027s all you need for anything.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1000_miles_north.png", "title": "1,000 Miles North", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 403, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Convincing Pickup Line", "transcript": "[[A couple sit at the small table of a cafe. The woman holds up a graph.]]\nWoman: We\u0027re a terrible match. But if we sleep together, it\u0027ll make the local hookup network a symmetric graph.\nMan: I can\u0027t argue with that.\n{{Title text: Check it out; I\u0027ve had sex with someone who\u0027s had sex with someone who\u0027s written a paper with Paul ErdÅs!}}", "alt": "Check it out; I\u0027ve had sex with someone who\u0027s had sex with someone who\u0027s written a paper with Paul Erdős!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/convincing_pickup_line.png", "title": "Convincing Pickup Line", "day": "31" }, { "month": "4", "num": 405, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "XKCD updates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.\u003cbr /\u003ePreviously: \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/374/\"\u003eJournal\u003c/a\u003e and \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/377\"\u003eJournal 2\u003c/a\u003e", "safe_title": "Journal 3", "transcript": "[[Two women ice-skating outside]]\nBlonde: Wait up!\nBrunette (wearing Hat Guy\u0027s Hat): Skate faster!\n[[Brunette sees cracking ice]] \n\u003c\u003cCrack\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cCrack\u003e\u003e\n[[Brunette on chunk of ice broken off]] \n\u003c\u003cCrack\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cRumble\u003e\u003e\n[[Submarine dorsal fin emerging]]\n\u003c\u003cAwooga\u003e\u003e\n[[Hat Guy (minus hat) coming out of door]]\nHat Guy: Hi. \nHat Guy: That\u0027s my hat you\u0027re wearing.\nBrunette (wearing Hat Guy\u0027s Hat): So, you found me after all.\nHat Guy (out of frame): You didn\u0027t make it easy.\nHat Guy: You saw through me, all right. But not quite well enough.\nHat Guy: Because if you wanted to stay lost forever, you made one mistake\n[[Hat Guy sliding down a sheet of ice]]\nHat Guy: You took my hat.\n[[Hat Guy swipes hat off of Brunette]]\n[[Hat Guy puts it on his head while sliding]]\nHat Guy: You took my hat.\nHat Guy: I LIKE my hat.\n[[Hat guy walking away]]\n[[Brunette left standing there]]\n{{title text: Oh, and, uh, if the Russian government asks, that submarine was always there.}}", "alt": "Oh, and, uh, if the Russian government asks, that submarine was always there.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/journal_3.png", "title": "Journal 3", "day": "2" }, { "month": "4", "num": 406, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Venting", "transcript": "[[Above frame]] When I need to blow off steam, I find a particularly stupid blog comment and reply with an exhaustively researched word-by-word rebuttal, which I sign \"Summer Glau\".\n[[Guy sitting at computer typing away]] ... In conclusion, on examining the above post by CrackMonkey74, after carefully working my way through the haze of spelling errors (documented in section 3), abuse of capitalization (section 4), and general crimes against grammar and syntax (sections 7-8), I have demonstrated that, beneath it all, the work betrays the author\u0027s staggering ignorance of the history and the workings of our electoral system. While the author\u0027s wildly swerving train of thought did at one point flirt with coherence, this brief encounter was more likely a chance event (see statistical analysis in table 5) than a result of even rudimentary lucidity.\n -Summer Glau\nP.S. Don\u0027t forget to check out the next season of the Sarah Connor Chronicles this fall on Fox!\n{{title text: P.P.S. I can kill you with my brain.}}", "alt": "P.P.S. I can kill you with my brain.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/venting.png", "title": "Venting", "day": "4" }, { "month": "4", "num": 407, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cheap GPS", "transcript": "[[Guy driving down the road, with a GPS reading \"COLD\"]] \nGPS: COLD... WARM... HOT! COLD...\n{{title text: In lieu of mapping software, I once wrote a Perl program which, given a USB GPS receiver and a destination, printed \u0027LEFT\u0027 \u0027RIGHT\u0027 OR \u0027STRAIGHT\u0027 based on my heading.}}", "alt": "In lieu of mapping software, I once wrote a Perl program which, given a USB GPS receiver and a destination, printed \u0027LEFT\u0027 \u0027RIGHT\u0027 OR \u0027STRAIGHT\u0027 based on my heading.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cheap_gps.png", "title": "Cheap GPS", "day": "7" }, { "month": "4", "num": 408, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Overqualified", "transcript": "[On phone] \nGirl: I know you\u0027re not that into my sister, but she\u0027s really crushing on you.\nBoy: Yeah, it\u0027s awkward.\nGirl: She\u0027s in a rough spot. It\u0027s a lot to ask, but could you take her out and ... dissuade her, without rejecting her?\nBoy: Wait a second. Are you asking me to show her a mediocre time?\nGirl: I know it\u0027s a weird--\nBoy: [Raising index finger.] No, no! This is the mission I was _born_ for.\nGirl: I figured you could handle it.\nBoy: One of my classic high-school dates coming up!\nGirl: Oh God. Don\u0027t overdo it.\n[Alt text: To anyone I\u0027ve taken on a terrible date, this is retroactively my cover story.]", "alt": "To anyone I\u0027ve taken on a terrible date, this is retroactively my cover story.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/overqualified.png", "title": "Overqualified", "day": "9" }, { "month": "4", "num": 409, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Electric Skateboard (Double Comic)", "transcript": "[[Guy showing off electric skateboard to girl reading something]]\nGuy: Check it out! An electric longboard!\nGirl: Sweet!\n[[Guy riding longboard with girl sitting onboard -- people in background]]\nLongboard: \u003c\u003cRRRR\u003e\u003e\n[[Girl turned around on longboard]]\nGirl: I feel like we\u0027re missing something...\nGuy: Yeah...\n[[Guy throwing 3 green Koopa Troopa shells; girl throwing 1 red Koopa Troopa shell -- like Mario Kart]]\n\u003c\u003cMusic Playing\u003e\u003e\nLongboard: \u003c\u003cRRRR\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Guy and girl still on longboard, going up an incline]]\nGuy: Skating uphill like this is amazing. Years of gliding downhill and pushing uphill, and now suddenly it\u0027s gliding both ways.\nLongboard: \u003c\u003cRRRR\u003e\u003e\n[[Guy and girl after passing an S-curve and boulder]]\nGuy: It\u0027s like going from C to Python. You don\u0027t realize how much time you were spending on the boring parts until you don\u0027t have to do them anymore.\nGirl: But coding C or assembly makes you a better programmer. Maybe the boring parts build character.\n[[Guy and girl on longboard...]]\nGuy: Yeah... but it depends how you want to spend your life. See, my philosophy is --\n[[Longboard get into an accident]]\n\u003c\u003c*WHAM*\u003e\u003e\n[[Calvin and Hobbes laying down in the grass near the guy and girl laying down on the grass -- Calin and Hobbes\u0027s wagon is on the path, as is the longboard -- all characters seeing stars]]\n{{Title text: Unsafe vehicles, hills, and philosophy go hand in hand.}}", "alt": "Unsafe vehicles, hills, and philosophy go hand in hand.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/electric_skateboard_double_comic.png", "title": "Electric Skateboard (Double Comic)", "day": "11" }, { "month": "4", "num": 410, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Math Paper", "transcript": "Lecturer: In my paper, I use an extension of the divisor function over the Gaussian integers to generalize the so-called \"friendly numbers\" into the complex plane. [[Points to equations on the board]]\nGuy in room: Hold on. Is this paper simply a build-up to an \"imaginary friends\" pun?\n[[Lecturer stands speechless]]\nLecturer: It MIGHT not be.\nGuy in room: I\u0027m sorry, we\u0027re revoking your math license.\n{{Alt: That\u0027s nothing. I once lost my genetics, rocketry, and stripping license in a single incident.}}", "alt": "That\u0027s nothing. I once lost my genetics, rocketry, and stripping licenses in a single incident.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/math_paper.png", "title": "Math Paper", "day": "14" }, { "month": "4", "num": 411, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Techno", "transcript": "[[Guy looking over girl\u0027s shoulder while girl is clicking her mouse with her other hand on her chin]]\nGuy: Wait, you\u0027re buying techno on iTunes?\nGirl: Yeah. So?\nGuy: Couldn\u0027t you just loop the 15-second free sample 20 times and get basically the same thing?\n{{title text: I don\u0027t know what\u0027s worse -- that there exists broken-hard-drive-sound techno, or that it\u0027s not half bad.}}", "alt": "I don\u0027t know what\u0027s worse -- that there exists broken-hard-drive-sound techno, or that it\u0027s not half bad.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/techno.png", "title": "Techno", "day": "16" }, { "month": "4", "num": 412, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Startled", "transcript": "[[Man and woman standing to one side, looking and pointing at guy in black hat who is facing away.]]\n[[Woman sneaks up on Black Hat Guy.]]\n[[Close-up of woman with hands raised.]]\nWoman: Boo!\n[[Black Hat Guy looks shocked, and his hat jumps.]]\n[[The hat falls down over his head.]]\n[[The hat keeps falling, with only his legs still visible.]]\n[[The hat hits the ground.]]\n\u003c\u003cFWUMP\u003e\u003e\n[[Man and woman look at the hat.]]\n[[The hat scurries away.]]\n\u003c\u003cSCOOCH SCOOCH SCOOCH\u003e\u003e\n{{title text: ...}}", "alt": "...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/startled.png", "title": "Startled", "day": "18" }, { "month": "4", "num": 413, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "New Pet", "transcript": "[[Girl is placing EEE PC inside hamster ball. Guy scratches head]]\nGuy: What are you doing?\nGirl: Mounting your EEE PC in a hamster ball.\nGirl: Well, the TCO of a cat is like $1000\nyear, so we\u0027re saving money.\n[[Guy is typing]]\nGirl: Microcontrollers are all wired up. How\u0027s the brain coming?\nGuy: I\u0027ve taught it obstacle avoidance and blogging.\nGuy: Aww, look, it\u0027s making friends with the Roomba.\"\n\u003c\u003cEEE PC: RRRRR\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cRoomba: Beep!\u003e\u003e\nDiagram: Webcam, RF links, bearings, omni wheels, magnets, EEE PC, omni wheels, battery\n[[Hamster ball bounces down flight of stairs]]\n\u003c\u003cHamster ball: Bonk, bonk\u003e\u003e\nOff-panel: Man, I hope it\u0027s OK that we\u0027re laughing at this.\n[[Girl picks up ball]]\nGirl: I think my mothering instinct took a wrong turn somewhere.\nGuy: You mean an awesome turn.\n[[Guy is typing]]\nGirl: Too bad we can\u0027t give it a soul.\nGuy: Sure we can. \nGuy types: import soul\nGirl: Oh, right. Python.\n{{Title text: ONE LAPTOP PER HAMSTER}}", "alt": "ONE LAPTOP PER HAMSTER!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/new_pet.png", "title": "New Pet", "day": "21" }, { "month": "4", "num": 414, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mistranslations", "transcript": "[A bed sits on the ground in the middle of the frame. At the left of the frame, a man stands atop a skateboard jump ramp twice his height, one foot on the back of a skateboard poised over the coping. At the bottom of the ramp is a small kicker ramp which will launch him over the bed. A woman to the right of the frame stands on the roof of a house grasping a rope which is affixed directly over the bed. They are both poised to begin their motion.]\nOur copy of the Kama Sutra has a couple mistranslations.\nWhich we refuse to fix.\n{{Alt: Oh, I think this word might mean \u0027Crisco\u0027!}}", "alt": "Oh, I think this word might mean \u0027Crisco\u0027!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mistranslations.png", "title": "Mistranslations", "day": "23" }, { "month": "4", "num": 415, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Restraining Order", "transcript": "[[Man and woman stand facing one another. Both hold sheets of paper.]]\nText reads: Not content with normal restraining orders, my ex got creative.\nMan: Wait... I can\u0027t get closer than 500 yards of you... or more than 600 yards away?\nWoman: You\u0027ll have to move somewhere within this ring.\n{{title text: On Mondays I go running, so you\u0027ll have to get up early and follow along a parallel street. What fun!}}", "alt": "On Mondays I go running, so you\u0027ll have to get up early and follow along on a parallel street. What fun!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/restraining_order.png", "title": "Restraining Order", "day": "25" }, { "month": "4", "num": 416, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Zealous Autoconfig", "transcript": "[[Guy sitting on a chair with his laptop in his lap]]\nLaptop: Starting WiFi autoconfig... searching for WiFi... Found no open networks.\nLaptop: Found secure net SSID \"Lenhart Family\"\nLaptop: Trying common passwords... Failed. Checking for WEP Vulnerabilities...\nGuy: Um.\nLaptop: None found.\n[[Guy still sitting with laptop in his lap, but hand is on chin. Phone on table across room starts vibrating]]\nLaptop: Connecting to Bluetooth phone... Calling local school... Found Lenhart children.\n[[Guy furiously typing on his laptop]]\nLaptop: Notifying field agents. Children acquired. Calling Lenhart parents. Negotiating for WiFi password...\n\u003c\u003cCTRL-C CTRL-C\u003e\u003e\n{{Title text: I hear this is an option in the latest Ubuntu release.}}", "alt": "I hear this is an option in the latest Ubuntu release.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/zealous_autoconfig.png", "title": "Zealous Autoconfig", "day": "28" }, { "month": "4", "num": 417, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Man Who Fell Sideways", "transcript": "[[A man standing, with a dotted line perpendicular to him and a 30 degree angle going downwards]]\nNarrator: From a young age, gravity pulled him wrong.\n[[The same man bouncing around his house]]\nNarrator: Sometimes east, sometimes west. When he was restrained, it grew erratic.\n\u003cWHAM\u003e \u003cWHAM\u003e\n[[Man bouncing\nrolling on the ground]]\nNarrator: So he fell.\nMan: AAAA\n\u003cTHUMPA\u003e \u003cTHUMPA\u003e\n[[Man bouncing\nrolling on the ground in a desert]]\nNarrator: Constantly\nMan: AAAAAAAAA\n[[Man bouncing\nrolling off a rock on the ground in a desert]]\nNarrator: Over land...\nMan: AAAAA-\u003cTHUD\u003e-A\n[[Man bouncing\nrolling on the ground in the desert]]\nMan: AAAAAAAAA\n[[Man bouncing\nrolling on the ground in the desert]]\nMan: A-\u003cTHUD\u003e-AAAAAA\n[[Man bouncing\nrolling on the ground in the desert]]\nMan: AA-\u003cTHUD\u003e-AAAAA\n[[Man under the surface of a body of water]]\nNarrator: And sea.\nMan: AAAAAAAAAAAA\n[[Man still under the surface of a body of water]]\nMan: AAAAAAAA\n[[Man temporarily standing on the surface of the body of water]]\nMan: AAAAAA\n[[Man under the surface of the body of water]]\nMan: AAAAAAAA\n[[Tree in the savanna, with the man off the panel]]\nNarrator: He found, where he could, food-\nMan: AAAAAAAAAAAA\n[[Tree in the savanna, with the man still off the panel, but zoomed out so that part of the man\u0027s bounce\nroll path is visible]]\nMan: AAAAAAAAA\n[[Man upside-down, still bouncing\nrolling in the savannah, with a gazelle galloping away from him]]\n\u003cGALLOP\u003e \u003cGALLOP\u003e\nMan: AAAAAAAAA\n[[Savanna with a tree in it]]\nMan: AAAAAAAAAAA\n[[Woman standing, with the man off screen]]\nNarrator: And love.\nMan: AAAA-\u003cTHUD\u003e-AAAA\n[[Woman standing, with the man off screen]]\nMan: \u003cTHUD\u003e ACK \u003cCRASH\u003e\n[[Man crashing into woman]]\nWoman: Hiwhat\u0027syourname-\n\u003cWHAM\u003e\n[[Woman on the ground, with the man off screen]]\nMan: AAAAAAA-\u003cTHUD\u003e-AAA\n[[Woman speaking to another man]]\nWoman: I met this guy. He knocked me over and tumbled into the distance.\n[[Woman speaking to the same man from the previous panel, with the man\u0027s hand to his mouth]]\nWoman: We only shared a few seconds, but in his panicked scream I heard something beautiful.\n[[Woman speaking to the same man from the previous panel]]\nWoman: I think... I think I\u0027m...\n[[Woman speaking to the same man from the previous panel]]\nMan: Falling for him?\nWoman: I wasn\u0027t going to say it.\n[[Woman at hospital with doctor, giving birth]]\nNarrator: She never saw him again. But nine months later...\nDoctor: Okay, push!\n[[Woman at hospital with doctor and new baby, who is bouncing\nrolling away]]\nDoctor: It\u0027s a gir-\nWoman: !!\nDoctor: Whoops!\nBaby: Ga! Ga!\n[[Baby bouncing\nrolling out of hospital]]\nBaby: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE\n[[Baby bouncing\nrolling in front of a sunset]]\nBaby: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE\nNarrator: The End\n{{alt text: Strip originally conceived in conversation with Jeph Jacques. Soon to be a major motion picture.}}", "alt": "Strip originally conceived in conversation with Jeph Jacques. Soon to be a major motion picture.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_man_who_fell_sideways.png", "title": "The Man Who Fell Sideways", "day": "30" }, { "month": "5", "num": 418, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stove Ownership", "transcript": "[[Hand-drawn Graph is shown, on the Y axis, My Overall Health, on the X axis, Time. Graph is generally steady through 3\n4 of the X axis, where is begins a steady decline, with a label \"The Day I Realized I Could Cook Bacon Whenever I Wanted.\"]]\n{{Title Text: Although maybe it\u0027s just a phase, like freshman year of college when I realized I could just buy frosting in a can.}}", "alt": "Although maybe it\u0027s just a phase, like freshman year of college when I realized I could just buy frosting in a can.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stove_ownership.png", "title": "Stove Ownership", "day": "2" }, { "month": "5", "num": 419, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Forks and Spoons", "transcript": "[[Presenter with pointer stick]] Presenter: A spoon crossed with a fork is a spork.\nOff-panel presenter\u0027s voice: Our lab has successfully crossed a spork with a spoon. [[Diagram showing the fractions of fork and spoon in each item.]]\n[Chart showing possible combinations of spoons a forks.]\n[[Presenter in front of audience]] \nPresenter: With your funding, we could create hybrids in proportions corresponding to any binary fraction.\n[[Fork-Spoon Spectrum]]\nAudience member: You\u0027re toying with powerful forces here.\nPresenter: We know what we\u0027re doing.\nPanel Title: Two weeks later:\n[[Picture of a destroyed lab with two dead bodies, blood everywhere and a spoon-fork hybrid hopping away.]]\n{{title text: Their biggest mistake was bringing Rachel Ray and Emeril to tour the lab and sign off on the project. That\u0027s when Spielberg caught wind of it.}}", "alt": "Their biggest mistake was bringing Rachael Ray and Emeril to tour the lab and sign off on the project. That\u0027s when Spielberg caught wind of it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/forks_and_spoons.png", "title": "Forks and Spoons", "day": "5" }, { "month": "5", "num": 420, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Jealousy", "transcript": "[[Dark scene shown, with man and girl sitting in the moonlight let in by the only window.]]\nMegan and I first met at a party at her sister\u0027s.\nWe hit it off, opened up, shared secrets, and talked about everything. Around us, the party waned, but we hid from sleep together, talking through the deepest hours of the night.\nThe dawn found us curled up on a couch, asleep but still together.\nThat experience, connecting with a stranger and falling recklessly in love is one of life\u0027s greatest joys.\nAnd now that you\u0027re married, you\u0027ll never experience it again.\nIt\u0027s the price you pay for everlasting love. It\u0027s a small one, but I hope it stings a little.\nAnyway, I wish you and Megan the best. \n...Hey, man, you ASKED me to do a toast.\n{{title text: Oh, huh, so you didn\u0027t know that story?]]", "alt": "Oh, huh, so you didn\u0027t know that story?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/jealousy.png", "title": "Jealousy", "day": "7" }, { "month": "5", "num": 421, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Making Hash Browns", "transcript": "[[A person stands holding a flaming tennis racket. He is throwing a potato in the air as if to serve like a tennis ball. Behind him is a red gas can and a sack of potatoes. Across from him is a another person holding a fork in one hand and balancing a serving tray with a glass of orange juice on it.]]\n{{Alt: There are at least fourteen ways this could go badly (seventeen if that fork is a dangerous crossbreed.)}}", "alt": "There are at least fourteen ways this could go badly (seventeen if that fork is a dangerous crossbreed.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/making_hash_browns.png", "title": "Making Hash Browns", "day": "9" }, { "month": "5", "num": 422, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "A Better Idea", "transcript": "[[A boy wearing a bow tie stands holding hands with a girl wearing a dress. On the left, there is a sign pointing left, which reads \"PROM\"; on the right, there is a sign pointing right, which reads \"LAN PARTY IN FORMAL ATTIRE\".]]\n{{Alt text: \"It\u0027s *almost* enough to make me want to redo high school.\"}}", "alt": "It\u0027s *almost* enough to make me want to redo high school.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/a_better_idea.png", "title": "A Better Idea", "day": "12" }, { "month": "5", "num": 423, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Finish Line", "transcript": "[[Mario and Luigi in go carts, Luigi in the lead]]\nMario: Sometimes I stop right before the finish line.\nLuigi: Why?\n[[Cut to boy and girl playing the video game]]\nGirl: \u0027Cause I know I\u0027ve won.\nGirl: It proves I\u0027m playing for fun, on my own terms. That I don\u0027t need validation from the machine.\nGirl: That I\u0027m not a rat pulling a lever.\n\nBoy: ...Man. Good Call. Let\u0027s stop and explore the course for a - \n\u003c\u003cPlayer Two wins\u003e\u003e\nBoy: Hey!\nGirl: Ha ha!\nBoy: Dammit, I\u0027m a sucker for your \"Be a Rebel\" speech.\nGirl: It\u0027s more fun than a blue shell.\n{{Alt text: The question with Lucy and the football was always whether, on some level, she believed the things she said.}}", "alt": "The question with Lucy and the football was always whether, on some level, she believed the things she said.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/finish_line.png", "title": "Finish Line", "day": "14" }, { "month": "5", "num": 424, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Security Holes", "transcript": "[[Man sitting at computer]]I\u0027ll just comment out these lines...\n\nMD_update(\u0026m, buf, j);\n\ndo_not_crash();\n\nprevent_911();\nIn the rush to clean up the debian-openssl fiasco, a number of other major security holes have been uncovered:\nFedora Core: Vulnerable to certain decoder rings\nXandros (EEE PC): Gives root access if asked in a stern voice\nGentoo: Vulnerable to flattery\nOLPC OS: Vulnerable to Jeff Goldblum\u0027s Powerbook\nSlackware: Gives root access if user says Elvish word for \"friend\"\nUbuntu: Turns out distro is actually just Windows Vista with a few custom Themes.\n{{title text: True story: I had to try several times to upload this comic because my ssh key was blacklisted.}}", "alt": "True story: I had to try several times to upload this comic because my ssh key was blacklisted.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/security_holes.png", "title": "Security Holes", "day": "16" }, { "month": "5", "num": 425, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fortune Cookies", "transcript": "Person 1: \"The ones you love will never let you down\"\nPerson 2: \"Your self-confidence is well placed.\"\nPerson 3: \"Seek nonviolence in everything you do.\"\nInstead of \"In bed\", I\u0027ve found that fortune cookies are often more improved by appending \"EXCEPT in bed.\"\n{{Alt-text: \"You will have hot, steamy, sweaty sex... IN BED!\"}}", "alt": "\u0027You will have hot, steamy, sweaty sex ... IN BED!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fortune_cookies.png", "title": "Fortune Cookies", "day": "19" }, { "month": "5", "num": 426, "link": "http://xkcd.com/geohashing", "year": "2008", "news": "What is this about? See the \u003ca href=\"http://wiki.xkcd.com/geohashing/\"\u003ewiki\u003c/a\u003e.", "safe_title": "Geohashing", "transcript": "Date (example): 2005-05-26\nThat date\u0027s (or most recent) DOW opening: 10458.68\n[[Concatenate, with a hyphen: 2005-05-26-10458.68]]\nmd5: db9318c2259923d08b672cb305440f97\n[[Split it up into two pieces:]]\n0.db9318c2259923d0, 0.8b672cb305440f97\nTo decimal: 0.857713..., 0.544544...\nYour location (example): 37.421542, -122.085589\n[[Combine integer part of location with fractional part of hash:]]\nDestination Coordinates: 37.857713, -122.544544\nSample Implementation: http:\nxkcd.com\ngeohashing\n{{title text: Saturday is game night.}}", "alt": "Saturday is game night.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geohashing.png", "title": "Geohashing", "day": "21" }, { "month": "5", "num": 427, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bad Timing", "transcript": "[[A couple, flying in a hot air balloon]] Man: I like you. \nI\u0027m just not feeling the relationship.\n[[Floating further in distance]]\nMan: I\u0027m sorry.\n[[Close up of basket]]\nMan: It\u0027s just bad timing. Me with my classes, you with your work, the spiders...\nWoman: The what?\n[[Red Spiders crowding onto balloon, causing it to fall]]\n{{title text: Protip: Even without the red spiders, never have that conversation halfway through a balloon ride.}}", "alt": "Protip: Even without the red spiders, never have that conversation halfway through a balloon ride.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bad_timing.png", "title": "Bad Timing", "day": "23" }, { "month": "5", "num": 428, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Starwatching", "transcript": "Man: Just look at those stars.\nMan: My father once told me that the great bloggers of the past are up there, watching over us.\n\nMan: High above the blogosphere, a gap opens in the tag clouds. Cory Doctorow\u0027s voice booms forth...\nWoman: You need to get out either more or less. I can\u0027t decide.\n{{title text: I always figured the word \u0027blog\u0027 would sound *less* silly as the years went by.}}", "alt": "I always figured the word \u0027blog\u0027 would sound *less* silly as the years went by.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/starwatching.png", "title": "Starwatching", "day": "26" }, { "month": "5", "num": 429, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fantasy", "transcript": "[[A man sits hugging his knees.]]\nMan: If only there were some way we could be together.\n((He fades into a thought bubble containing the next four panels.))\n\n[[A man and woman are in a bed together. The man is rubbing the woman\u0027s shoulders.]]\nWoman: We\u0027re so lucky to have each other. How did it happen, anyway?\nMan: I, uh... I don\u0027t remember.\n\nWoman: No, really, how did we get together? It\u0027s hard to imagine it happening.\nMan: It does strain the bounds of fantasy...\nWoman: ... Fantasy? That\u0027s it!\n\nWoman: My God, it\u0027s the only explanation: We\u0027re objects in some transient fantasy. We\u0027ll be gone when it ends!\nMan: We\u0027ll lose each other.\nWoman: Oh God.\n\n[[They leap from the bed. The woman has a flaming torch.]]\nWoman: Well, I\u0027m not going out quietly. I\u0027m burning this fucking world.\nMan: Burn the world!\nWoman: Fire! Fire! Cleanse this hellish place --\n((The thought ends.))\n\n[[The man is puzzled. What happened?]]\n\n{{Title text: I guess if she accepted irrational realities, she\u0027d hardly be my fantasy.}}", "alt": "I guess if she accepted irrational realities, she\u0027d hardly be my fantasy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fantasy.png", "title": "Fantasy", "day": "28" }, { "month": "5", "num": 430, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Every Damn Morning", "transcript": "[[In background, a vivid dream scene is apparent, including mountains, a zeppelin, a city with a mushroom cloud, and some people interacting]] Inset: Man awakens, very surprised\n[[Dream\u0027s edges are fading, mountains, city and zeppelin less clear]]Inset: Man is seen running down stairs.\n[[Zeppelin, city, and mountains are very hazy and unclear. The people can still be seen]] Inset: Man gets attention of girl sitting at breakfast table\n[[Dream has completely faded, the outlines of maybe one person can still be seen]] Inset: Man looks confused\n{{Title Text: There was something about a cup and a sword and a tree and a green hill ...}}", "alt": "There was something about a cup and a sword and a tree and a green hill ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/every_damn_morning.png", "title": "Every Damn Morning", "day": "30" }, { "month": "6", "num": 431, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Delivery", "transcript": "[[In a delivery room]]\nDoctor: There\u0027s the head... he\u0027s looking at me... Wait, he\u0027s crawling back into the womb.\nMother: What?!\nDoctor: Yeah, it\u0027s the darnedest thing.\nMother: Um, what does it mean?\nDoctor: My guess? Six more weeks of winter.\n{{title text: Ma\u0027am, I admit that wasn\u0027t in the best taste, but you have to admire my delivery! Ha ha, get it? Oh God, don\u0027t throw those syringes! Your baby\u0027s fine!}}", "alt": "Ma\u0027am, I admit that wasn\u0027t in the best taste, but you have to admire my delivery! Ha ha, get it? Oh God, don\u0027t throw those syringes! Your baby\u0027s fine!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/delivery.png", "title": "Delivery", "day": "2" }, { "month": "6", "num": 432, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "XKCD updates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.\u003cbr /\u003ePreviously: \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/374/\"\u003eJournal\u003c/a\u003e", "safe_title": "Journal 4", "transcript": "[[The man with the hat sits slumped over on a bench, holding his hat]]\nMan with hat: Sigh\n{{alt text: Man, this emo shit was supposed to be for people who didn\u0027t have hats.}}", "alt": "Man, this emo shit was supposed to be for people who didn\u0027t have hats.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/journal_4.png", "title": "Journal 4", "day": "4" }, { "month": "6", "num": 433, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "XKCD updates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.\u003cbr /\u003ePreviously: \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/374/\"\u003eJournal\u003c/a\u003e", "safe_title": "Journal 5", "transcript": "Guy with hat: \u003c\u003cpark\u003e\u003e\nGuy with hat: \u003c\u003cknock knock\u003e\u003e\nGuy with hat: hi\nTrain girl: hi\nGuy with hat: I give up. you win. I have to know who you are.\nGuy with hat: We understand each other. I can\u0027t let that slip away.\nTrain girl: \u003c\u003cbeep\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\nGuy with hat: What was that?!\nTrain girl: Remote mines under your car.\nGuy with hat: Oh, those? I moved them to your garage before knocking.\nTrain girl: Touché\nGuy with hat: ...This relationship is going to be tricky.\nTrain girl: There\u0027s still time to leave and find a non-crazy girl.\nGuy with hat: Not even slightly interested.\n{{Alt text: \u0027Pick you up at eight?\u0027 \u0027Nine. I\u0027ve got to re-mine the driveway.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Pick you up at eight?\u0027 \u0027Nine. I\u0027ve got to re-mine the driveway.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/journal_5.png", "title": "Journal 5", "day": "6" }, { "month": "6", "num": 434, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcd Goes to the Airport", "transcript": "[[Standing outside the Airport. There is a sign saying \"Airport\" and a plane in the background.]]\nGirl: Okay, what airline?\nGuy: I\u0027m following you.\nGirl: ...I\u0027m following *you*.\nGuy: I assumed we were walking to the bakery.\nGirl: You always assume that!\n[[Presumably the security checkpoint]]\nSecurity Guy: Lockpicks? These are... illegal, actually. Where did you get them?\nGuy: Oh man, it all started with this hacker girl.\nSecurity Guy: You need to come with -\nGuy: Sure, sure. But man, let me tell you about her!\n[[On a plane]]\nAnnouncement: If your device has a \"Transmit\" function, please disable it.\nGuy: Okay - hang on, I\u0027m half way through the iwconfig man page.\n[[Security checkpoint]]\nSecurity guy: Sir, is this container under three ounces?\nGuy with hat: Not sure, how much blood is there in a churchmouse?\nSecurity guy: Why don\u0027t you just go.\n{{Alt text: Under three ounces, but it stains panties.}}", "alt": "Under three ounces, but it stains panties.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_goes_to_the_airport.png", "title": "xkcd Goes to the Airport", "day": "9" }, { "month": "6", "num": 435, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Purity", "transcript": "[[Texts reads \u0027Fields arranged by purity\u0027. An arrow is shown pointing right with the text \u0027more pure\u0027. Six people are shown representing six scientific fields. They stand on a scale of purity with the left end representing less purity and the right representing more purity. They appear in this order, from left to right: Sociology, Psychology, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, Mathematics. The mathematician stands much further to the right than any other field.]]\nPsychologist: Sociology is just applied Psychology.\nBiologist: Psychology is just applied Biology.\nChemist: Biology is just applied Chemistry\nPhysicist: Which is just applied Physics. It\u0027s nice to be on top.\nMathematician: Oh, hey, I didn\u0027t see you guys all the way over there.\n{{Alt-text: On the other hand, physicists like to say physics is to math as sex is to masturbation.}}", "alt": "On the other hand, physicists like to say physics is to math as sex is to masturbation.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/purity.png", "title": "Purity", "day": "11" }, { "month": "6", "num": 436, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "How it Happened", "transcript": "[[Two people standing]]\nPerson 1: Then she put her hands over mine, grinds against me, leans down and whispers, \"After tonight, we go and live our lives, no regrets. But I want this, I want you, one last time.\"\nPerson 2:{{Giving a thumbs up, pointing, surrounded by action lines}}That\u0027s what SHE said!\n[[Both continue to stand]]\nPerson 1: Yes. Yes, it is.\n[[Both continue to stand]]\n{{Alt text: I was there, dude.}}", "alt": "I was there, dude.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/how_it_happened.png", "title": "How it Happened", "day": "13" }, { "month": "6", "num": 437, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "SUV", "transcript": "My Hobby:\nRenting an SUV and confusing the hell out of hybrid owners\n[[A man is pumping gas into a Prius at a gas station. The prices can be seen in the background, and read:]]\n$4.08\nM: $4.38\nP: $4.51\nD: $4.85\n[[Another man drives up alongside in an SUV and leans out the window]]\nSUV Driver: Check out those prices! Your Prius ain\u0027t looking so smart now, huh?\nPrius Driver: It\u0027s ... wait, what?\nSUV Driver: Maybe you\u0027ll go green next time, asshole!\n{{ Title text: Electric skateboards, by cost, get the equivalent of about 300 miles per gallon. Lithium batteries just need to get cheaper. }}", "alt": "Electric skateboards, by cost, get the equivalent of about 300 miles per gallon. Lithium batteries just need to get cheaper.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/suv.png", "title": "SUV", "day": "16" }, { "month": "6", "num": 438, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Internet Argument", "transcript": "[[Stick figure 1 is typing profanities into his computer]]\n[[Stick figure 2 is typing profanities into his computer]]\n[[A floating girl comes behind stick figure 1]]\n[[The girl lifts stick figure 1]]\n[[They are flying over mountains]]\n[[The girl and stick figure 1 are floating in front of stick figure 2 and his computer]]\n[[She sets stick figure 1 down in front of stick figure 2 and his computer]]\n[[The girl lifts stick figure 1 again]]\n[[They are flying]]\n[[The girl sets stick figure 1 down in his chair at his computer]]\n[[Stick figure 1 is typing at his computer]]\n[[Stick figure 2 is typing at his computer]]\n{{title text: It\u0027s easier to be an asshole to words than to people.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s easier to be an asshole to words than to people.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/internet_argument.png", "title": "Internet Argument", "day": "18" }, { "month": "6", "num": 439, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Thinking Ahead", "transcript": "[[My Problem: Thinking Ahead]]\nMan: She\u0027s cute.\nWoman: This food is problematic.\nMan: Oh man, she\u0027s quoting Firefly.\nMan: It\u0027s the perfect opening. But wait. I\u0027m moving in the fall. If we hit it off, how will I deal with that?\nMan: I don\u0027t want to ask her to derail her plans. And with things unresolved with Megan, can I really commit enough to make that kind of decision?\nMan: Oh God.\nMan: Gotta get out.\nMan: The window.\n\u003c\u003cCRASH\u003e\u003e\n{{Alt text: Did he just go crazy and jump out the window?}}", "alt": "Did he just go crazy and jump out the window?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thinking_ahead.png", "title": "Thinking Ahead", "day": "20" }, { "month": "6", "num": 440, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Road Rage", "transcript": "[[Man in black hat is driving and and the woman who seems to be his equal is in the passenger\u0027s seat. They are closely followed by some other vehicle.]]\nMan in black hat: That guy\u0027s tailgating me.\nWoman: I\u0027ll take a look.\nWoman: His laptop\u0027s running, probably in the back seat. And... yup, the WiFi autoconnects.\nWoman: Now we just scan for remote exploits... install speech synth...\nWoman: and take a shot in the psychological dark.\nLaptop: Hello.\nTailgating man: What? Who\u0027s there?\nLaptop: She\u0027d be alive if it weren\u0027t for you.\nTailgating man: ... Oh God.\n{{Title: Okay, now just as the loss hits him, slam on the brakes.}}", "alt": "Okay, now just as the loss hits him, slam on the brakes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/road_rage.png", "title": "Road Rage", "day": "23" }, { "month": "6", "num": 441, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Babies", "transcript": "It doesn\u0027t seem right that we\u0027re old enough to have kids.\nGirl: Sweet! We made a baby!\nBoy: Are we sure we did it right?\nBoy: We should disassemble it, check all the parts, and put it back together.\n{{alt-text: I bet my future kids will read this someday. DEAR FUTURE KIDS: how did you get internet in the cellar?}}", "alt": "I bet my future kids will read this someday. DEAR FUTURE KIDS: how did you get internet in the cellar?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/babies.png", "title": "Babies", "day": "25" }, { "month": "6", "num": 442, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "XKCD updates every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.\u003cbr /\u003eSee: \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=at_f98qOGY0\"\u003eOriginal Discovery Channel video\u003c/a\u003e", "safe_title": "xkcd Loves the Discovery Channel", "transcript": "{{The comic is in parody of the Discovery Channel commercial showing various clips of people singing a song with the chorus line \"Boom De Yada\"}}\n{{The comic is divided into a grid of 4 by 6 panels, each depicting a character or situation from a previous XKCD strip}}\n{{In each panel is written a part of a song similar to the song from the Discovery Channel commercial}}\nPanel 1: (Reference Comic 162)\n[[woman spinning around]]\nI love momentum.\nPanel 2: (Reference Comic 413)\n[[woman laying on floor tinkering with EEE PC hamster ball robot]]\nI love to engineer.\nPanel 3: (Reference Comic 452)\n[[man with beret standing in bakery holding a loaf of bread in each hand, sign with \"PIE!\" in background]]\nI love this bakery!\nPanel 4: (Reference Comic 239)\n[[man with goggles and red cape (Cory Doctorow) flying superman-style]]\nI love the blogosphere!\nPanel 5: (Reference Comic 152)\n[[man running in large hamster ball]]\nI love the whole world\nPanel 6:\n[[depiction of internet sludge (4chan \nb\n-Random)]]\nAnd all its messed-up folks.\nPanel 7: (Reference Comic 150)\n[[man and woman immersed in playpen balls]]\nBoom De Yada\nBoom De Yada\nPanel 8:\n[[mass of playpen balls with speech \"I put on my robe and wizard hat\" originating from it]]\nBoom De Yada\nBoom De Yada\nPanel 9: (Reference Comic 72)\n[[black hat man taking gift away from kid with party hat]]\nI love your suffering.\nPanel 10: (Reference Comic 153)\n[[diagram showing RSA fingerprint authentication between two people]]\nI love cryptography.\nPanel 11: (Reference Comic 230)\n[[man and woman in bed covered by red sheet]]\nI love entangled sheets.\nPanel 12: (Blag)\n[[man hanging from kite string holding camera]]\nAnd kite photography.\nPanel 13: (Reference Comic 256)\n[[map of the internet]]\nI love the whole world\nPanel 14: (Reference Comic 8)\n[[cube with red spider on top]]\nAnd all its mysteries.\nPanel 15: (Reference Comic 303)\n[[two people sword-fighting on rolling office chairs]]\nBoom De Yada\nBoom De Yada\nPanel 16: (Reference Comic 263)\n[[class room with two students and female teacher]]\nBoom De Yada\nBoom De Yada\nPanel 17:\n[[man saying \"Barack me Obamadeus!\" to another man speaking energetically at a podium]]\nI love elections.\nPanel 18:\n[[man holding schematic diagram depiction of transistor in front of his crotch]]\nI love transistors.\nPanel 19: (Reference Comic 69)\n[[man and woman in bed, man saying \"There must be taft slash fiction\"]]\nI love weird pillow talk.\nPanel 20: (Reference Comic 49, 279, 317)\n[[man speaking to woman]]\nI love your sister.\nPanel 21: (Reference Comic 249)\n[[roller coaster with person in front car holding chess board and thinking about a move]]\nI love the whole world.\nPanel 22: (Reference Comic 167)\n[[man with beret standing in the midst of leafless trees]]\nThe future\u0027s pretty cool!\nPanel 23: (Reference Comic 108)\n[[woman moving toward man by means of MC Hammer slide]]\nBoom De Yada\nBoom De Yada\nPanel 24: (Reference Comic 409)\n[[man and woman moving on electric skateboard]]\nBoom De Yada\nBoom De Yada\n{{Alt text: I love the title-text!}}", "alt": "I love the title-text!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_loves_the_discovery_channel.png", "title": "xkcd Loves the Discovery Channel", "day": "27" }, { "month": "6", "num": 443, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Know Your Vines", "transcript": "Virginia Creeper: Vines useful as impromptu rope\nPoison Ivy: Grows in same habitat as Virginia Creeper\nGirlfriend: Into light bondage\nArea around campsite: Too dark to see\nRelationship after camping trip: Strained\n{{title text: Friggin\u0027 modern tents don\u0027t have a single piece of rope.}}", "alt": "Friggin\u0027 modern tents don\u0027t have a single piece of rope.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/know_your_vines.png", "title": "Know Your Vines", "day": "30" }, { "month": "7", "num": 444, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Macgyver Gets Lazy", "transcript": "[[Outside of a building with a door marked No Entry and a guard standing outside, Character 1 and Macgyver are hiding]]\nCharacter 1: Any ideas?\nMacgyver: I can use the trigger mechanism of this gun to ignite a small explosive charge, propelling a metal slug into the guard\u0027s head.\n{{Alt text: At the time of this writing, Wikipedia has a wonderful article titled \u0027List of problems solved by Macgyver\u0027}}", "alt": "At the time of this writing, Wikipedia has a wonderful article titled \u0027List of problems solved by Macgyver\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/macgyver_gets_lazy.png", "title": "Macgyver Gets Lazy", "day": "2" }, { "month": "7", "num": 445, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "I Am Not Good with Boomerangs", "transcript": "[[Man Throws a Boomerang]]\n[[Man gets hit in the face with the Boomerang]]\n[[Man Throws a Boomerang again]]\n[[Man is seen running away from 6 returning boomerangs]]\n[[Man Throws Boomerang]]\n[[Man barely avoids floating shark, trying to bite him]]\n[[Man Throws Boomerang]]\n[[Man is confronted by his presumed girlfriend]]\nGirl: I\u0027m Leaving You.\n{{Title Text: Bonus strip: just read the rightmost panels straight down. }}", "alt": "Bonus strip: just read the rightmost panels straight down. ", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_am_not_good_with_boomerangs.png", "title": "I Am Not Good with Boomerangs", "day": "4" }, { "month": "7", "num": 446, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "In Popular Culture", "transcript": "[[A fictional screen capture of the Wikipedia article for \"wood\" is shown]]\nWood is a hard, fibrous tissue found in many plants. It has been used for centuries for both fuel and as a construction material for [[cut in page]]\nIn popular culture:\nIn episode 6 of Firefly, \"Our Mrs. Reynolds,\" Jayne is given a wooden rain stick by a villager\nIn the Buffyverse, Buffy often slays Vampires using stakes made of wood.\nThe wand used by Harry Potter is made of wood from a holly tree.\nThe fence around the back yard of the house in The Simpsons is wooden.\nIn the 2004 TV series Battlestar Galactica [[rest of page is cut]]\n{{Title Text: Someday the \u0027in popular culture\u0027 section will have its own article with an \u0027in popular culture\u0027 section. It will reference this title-text referencing it, and the blogosphere will implode.}}", "alt": "Someday the \u0027in popular culture\u0027 section will have its own article with an \u0027in popular culture\u0027 section. It will reference this title-text referencing it, and the blogosphere will implode.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/in_popular_culture.png", "title": "In Popular Culture", "day": "7" }, { "month": "7", "num": 447, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Too Old For This Shit", "transcript": "[[Two Boys standing somewhere]]\nBoy1: I wish I could do math like when i was young.\nBoy2: Huh?\nBoy1: It doesn\u0027t come easy like it once did.\nBoy2: Uh huh.\nBoy1: Math is a game for the young. I need to sit back and let the future happen.\nBoy2: You\u0027re thirteen.\nBoy1: Yes, and it\u0027s time I accept that.\n{{Title Text: They say if a mathematician doesn\u0027t do their great work by age eleven, they never will. }}", "alt": "They say if a mathematician doesn\u0027t do their great work by age eleven, they never will.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/too_old_for_this_shit.png", "title": "Too Old For This Shit", "day": "9" }, { "month": "7", "num": 448, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Good Morning", "transcript": "[[A drowsy man walks over to another man on a computer]]\nMan 1: *Yawn* Good morning from Taipei.\nMan 2: You\u0027re drifting west. You were in Honolulu just yesterday.\nNarrator: Our sleep schedules are so messed up that\u0027s it\u0027s easiest to just refer where are internal clocks seem to be.\n{{title text: As my standard, I use going to sleep at midnight and waking up at 8 AM.}}", "alt": "As my standard, I use going to sleep at midnight and waking up at 8 AM.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/good_morning.png", "title": "Good Morning", "day": "11" }, { "month": "7", "num": 449, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Things Fall Apart", "transcript": "girl: I wonder about us.\nboy: I love you.\ngirl: We don\u0027t have fun together.\nboy: I love you.\ngirl: it\u0027s like we\u0027re clinging to the \"relationship\" framework like it\u0027s all we got.\nboy: I love you\ngirl: who are you trying to reassur-\nboy: I love you I love you I love you I love you\n{{Alt: \u0027I\u0027m nothing without you\u0027 is a fucked up sentiment.}}", "alt": "\u0027I\u0027m nothing without you\u0027 is a fucked-up sentiment.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/things_fall_apart.png", "title": "Things Fall Apart", "day": "14" }, { "month": "7", "num": 450, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Sea", "transcript": "[[The narrator stands on a beach at night, staring out across the moonlit ocean]]\nNarrator: THE SEA ALWAYS MAKES ME REALIZE\nNarrator: HOW SMALL I REALLY AM.\nNarrator: I SHOULD GET ONE OF THOSE PUMPS.\n{{Tooltip: And then a second one, to drain the ocean.}}", "alt": "And then a second one, to drain the sea.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_sea.png", "title": "The Sea", "day": "16" }, { "month": "7", "num": 451, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Impostor", "transcript": "My Hobby: Sitting down with grad students and timing how long it takes them to figure out that I\u0027m not actually an expert in their field.\nEngineering:\nStudents: Our big problem is heat dissipation\nMe: Have you tried logarithms?\n48 seconds\nLinguistics:\nMe: Ah, so does this Finno-ugric family include, say, Klingon?\n63 Seconds\nSociology:\nMe: Yeah, my latest work is on ranking people from best to worst.\n4 Minutes\nLiterary Criticism:\nMe: You see, the deconstruction is inextricable from not only the text, but also the self.\nEight papers and two books and they haven\u0027t caught on.\n{{Alt\ntitle text: If you think this is too hard on literary criticism, read the Wikipedia article on deconstruction.}}", "alt": "If you think this is too hard on literary criticism, read the Wikipedia article on deconstruction.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/impostor.png", "title": "Impostor", "day": "18" }, { "month": "7", "num": 452, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mission", "transcript": "[[Two figures, one in a beret, are rappelling down separate ropes into the interior workings of a large machine]]\nMan 1: Okay, we\u0027re in the belly of the machine. You got the charges?\nMan 2 (with beret): The what?\n[[The two are standing next to some large pieces of machinery]]\nMan 1 [[gesturing]: The explosive charges!\nMan 2 [[pulling out a bag]]: I just brought this bag for pastries.\nMan 1: The hell? We\u0027re on a mission here!\nMan 2 [[looking around]]: This isn\u0027t a bakery?\nMan 1 [[head in hand]]: Oh, Christ, not this shit again.\nMan 2 [[crouching by some lug nuts lying on a piece of machinery]]: What about these scones?\nMan 1: Those are lug nuts.\nMan 2 [[stuffing them in his mouth]]: ...Maybe SOME of them aren\u0027t. \u003c\u003ccrunch\u003e\u003e Ow! \u003c\u003ccrunch\u003e\u003e\n{{Title text: Don\u0027t you know? The chances of a random object being a scone are about one in six.}}", "alt": "Don\u0027t you know? The chances of a random object being a scone are about one in six.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mission.png", "title": "Mission", "day": "21" }, { "month": "7", "num": 453, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Upcoming Hurricanes", "transcript": "[[An unlabeled map shows the region roughly between central Canada and northern Brazil. Dotted lines indicating hurricane paths cover the map, all red except where noted.\nHurricane Illinois-Has-It-Too-Easy comes from somewhere to the northwest, goes through Illinois, and then back to the northwest.\nHurricane Where-the-Hell-Is-Bermuda enters from the east side of the map, wanders around the Atlantic in a scribble, goes north for a while, and then peters out.\nHurricane Screw-It-Let\u0027s-Just-Trash-Florida-Again comes from the east, starts to curve to the north, and then turns sharply to head straight for Florida and zigzag through it.\nHurricane Freud starts in the Gulf of Mexico, draws a set of balls to Florida\u0027s cock, and then comes on land and stops.\nHurricane Red and Hurricane Blue (which is a blue line) are playing a game of Tron, zipping in straight lines and right angles around Haiti, Jamaica, and Cuba. Red successfully cuts off Blue and then dies shortly thereafter.\nHurricane cos(x) forms a graph of cos(x) along the bottom edge of the map.]]\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027d like to see more damage assessments for hurricanes hitting New York and flooding Manhattan -- something like the 1938 Long Island Express, but aimed a bit more to the west. It\u0027s just a matter of time.}}", "alt": "I\u0027d like to see more damage assessments for hurricanes hitting New York and flooding Manhattan -- something like the 1938 Long Island Express, but aimed a bit more to the west. It\u0027s just a matter of time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/upcoming_hurricanes.png", "title": "Upcoming Hurricanes", "day": "23" }, { "month": "7", "num": 454, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rewiring", "transcript": "{{Title: Rewiring}}\n{{Heading: Upgrading phone wiring to Ethernet}}\n[[A man is feeding cable into a device on a desk labeled \"fax\"]]\n\u003c\u003cFax: zzz zzz\u003e\u003e\n[[Outdoors, showing a plant and a lamp (indicates panels 1 and 3 are separate locations)]]\n[[A woman, laptop behind her, is pulling a cable out of a fax machine]]\n\u003c\u003cFax: zzzzz\u003e\u003e\n{{Alt text: My friend Elizabeth tried to mail one end of the cable to me and thread the mail system.}}", "alt": "My friend Finn tried to mail one end of the cable to me and thread the mail system.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rewiring.png", "title": "Rewiring", "day": "25" }, { "month": "7", "num": 455, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hats", "transcript": "[[The Black Hat Man is Walking]]\n[[The Black Hat Man stops in front of another Man with two Black Hats.]]\n[[After two panels, The Original Black Hat Man steps backward, shuddering slightly.]]\n{{Title Text: ...}}", "alt": "...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hats.png", "title": "Hats", "day": "28" }, { "month": "7", "num": 456, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cautionary", "transcript": "Linux: A True Story:\n[[A man talks on a cell phone]]\nWeek One:\nFemale cousin [[via phone]]: Hey, it\u0027s your cousin. I got a new computer but don\u0027t want Windows. Can you help me install \"Linux\"?\nMan: Sure.\n[[The female cousin sits in an office chair with her laptop on her lap. She is on the phone]]\nWeek Two:\nFemale cousin: It says my XORG is broken. What\u0027s an \"XORG\"? Where can I look that up?\nMan [[via phone]]: Hmm, lemme show you man pages.\n[[The female cousin crouches on the floor with the laptop on her lap. She is still on the phone]]\nWeek Six:\nFemale cousin: Due to auto-config issues, I\u0027m leaving Ubuntu for Debian.\nMan [[via phone]] Uh.\nFemale cousin: Or Gentoo.\nMan [[via phone]]: Uh oh.\n[[The female cousin lies on her stomach with the laptop on the floor. On the floor are several pieces of paper and a book. The man stands to her left]]\nWeek Twelve:\nMan: You haven\u0027t answered your phone in days.\nFemale cousin: Can\u0027t sleep. Must compile kernel.\nMan: I\u0027m too late.\n[[Box with text:]]\nParents: talk to your kids about Linux... Before somebody else does.\n{{title text: This really is a true story, and she doesn\u0027t know I put it in my comic because her wifi hasn\u0027t worked for weeks.}}", "alt": "This really is a true story, and she doesn\u0027t know I put it in my comic because her wifi hasn\u0027t worked for weeks.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cautionary.png", "title": "Cautionary", "day": "30" }, { "month": "8", "num": 457, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Frustration", "transcript": "[[Bra with rubik\u0027s cube closure.]]\n{{title text: \u0027Don\u0027t worry, I can do it in under a minute.\u0027 \u0027Yes, I\u0027ve noticed.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Don\u0027t worry, I can do it in under a minute.\u0027 \u0027Yes, I\u0027ve noticed.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frustration.png", "title": "Frustration", "day": "1" }, { "month": "8", "num": 458, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Regrets", "transcript": "[[Bar Graph]]\nNumber of google results for:\n\"I _____ have kissed her\" (or him)\nShouldn\u0027t: 1,213\nShould: 10,230\n{{title text: And nothing for \u0027I\u0027m glad I saw Epic Movie.\u0027}}", "alt": "And nothing for \u0027I\u0027m glad I saw Epic Movie.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/regrets.png", "title": "Regrets", "day": "4" }, { "month": "8", "num": 459, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Holy Ghost", "transcript": "Pope: this is a disaster.\nout-of-frame voice: is it really that bad?\nPope: do you know how much scripture we\u0027ll have to revise?\nout-of-frame voice: look, we\u0027ve apologized--\nPope: i mean, we can\u0027t have a trinity with just a father and a son!\nout-of-frame voice: again, we\u0027re sorry.\nPope: sorry\u0027s not enough. guards, take their proton packs.\nGhostbusters: hey, we were just doing our jobs!\n{{title-text: okay, everyone, cross yourselves, then cross the streams.}}", "alt": "Okay, everyone, cross yourselves, then cross the streams.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/holy_ghost.png", "title": "Holy Ghost", "day": "6" }, { "month": "8", "num": 460, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Paleontology", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman in a museum, near a reconstructed dinosaur fossil.]]\nWoman: Man, paleontology sucks these days.\nMan: Why?\nWoman: Jurassic Park came out 15 years ago.\nMan: So?\nWoman: Today\u0027s grad students got into dinosaurs after seeing it as kids. They don\u0027t care about fossils. Brats.\n[[A woman in a hat exploring a barren landscape.]]\nWoman: Before they had living dinosaurs handed to them by Hollywood, I was out in Texas digging up Arcocanthosaur teeth.\nMan: So, you were into dinosaurs when they were still underground?\nWoman: Exactly!\n{{title text: Dinosaurs totally jumped the ichthyosaur when they got rid of Brontosaurus.}}", "alt": "Dinosaurs totally jumped the ichthyosaur when they got rid of Brontosaurus.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/paleontology.png", "title": "Paleontology", "day": "8" }, { "month": "8", "num": 461, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Google Maps", "transcript": "Narrator: MY ROAD TRIP WITH MY BROTHER RAN INTO TROUBLE AROUND PAGE THREE OF THE GOOGLE MAPS PRINTOUT\nGoogle Maps Printout: \n\u003c- 70. SLIGHT LEFT AT RT-22 -- GO 6.8 MI\n-\u003e 71. TURN RIGHT TO STAY ON RT-22 -- GO 2.6 MI\n\u003c- 72. TURN LEFT AT LAKE SHORE RD GO -- 312 FT\n-\u003e 73. TURN RIGHT AT DOCK ST -- GO 427 FT\n[[water replaces an arrow]] 74. TAKE THE FERRY ACROSS THE LAKE -- GO 2.8 MI\n[[A car is driving in the dark]]\nPerson 1: OKAY, NOW TAKE DOCK ST TOWARD THE FERRY\nPerson 2: WE\u0027RE SUPPOSED TO TAKE A FERRY? IT\u0027S PAST MIDNIGHT, AND THESE WOODS ARE CREEPY\nPerson 1: GOOGLE MAPS WOULDN\u0027T STEER US WRONG.\n[[Person 1 and Person 2 stand outside the car. The ferry has a sign on it reading CLOSED.\n[[Person 1 stands holding the google map print out next to Person 2 in the dark]]\n[[Still standing in the dark]]\nPerson 1: LET ME SEE THOSE DIRECTIONS.\nGoogle Maps Printout:\n[[water replaces an arrow]] 74. TAKE THE FERRY ACROSS THE LAKE -- GO 2.8 MI\n[[a diagonal upward arrow]] 75. CLIMB THE HILL TOWARD HANGMAN\u0027S RIDGE, AVOIDING ANY MOUNTAIN LIONS -- UP 1,172 FT\n[[a \"u-turn\" arrow]] 76. WHEN YOU REACH AN OLD BARN, GO AROUND BACK, KNOCK ON THE SECOND DOOR, AND ASK FOR CHARLIE -- GO 52 FT\n[[a van]] 77. TELL CHARLIE THE DANCING STONES ARE RESTLESS. HE WILL GIVE YOU HIS VAN. -- CAREFUL\n[[a picture of the straw man]] 78. TAKE CHARLIE\u0027S VAN DOWN OLD MINE ROAD. DO NOT WAKE THE STRAW MAN. -- GO 97 MI\n-\u003e 79. TURN LEFT ON COMSTOCK. WHEN YOU FEEL THE BLOOD CHILL IN YOUR VEINS, STOP THE VAN AND GET OUT. -- GO 3.2 MI\n[[down arrow]] 80. STAND VERY STILL. EXITS ARE NORTH, SOUTH, AND EAST, BUT ARE BLOCKED BY A SPECTRAL WOLF. -- GO 0 FT\n[[a picture of a spectral wolf]] 81. THE SPECTRAL WOLF FEARS ONLY FIRE. THE GOOGLE MAPS TEAM CAN NO LONGER HELP YOU, BUT IF YOU MASTER THE WOLF, HE WILL GUIDE YOU. GODSPEED. -- GO ?? MI.\n{{Alt Text: Apparently Google assumes you\u0027re traveling during the ferry\u0027s normal operating hours. We lost two hours circling that damn lake (to say nothing of the Straw Man).}}", "alt": "Apparently Google assumes you\u0027re traveling during the ferry\u0027s normal operating hours. We lost two hours circling that damn lake (to say nothing of the Straw Man).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/google_maps.png", "title": "Google Maps", "day": "11" }, { "month": "8", "num": 462, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Freemanic Paracusia", "transcript": "[[A man is shown sitting behind a desk with a Computer]]\nNarrator: Freemanic Paracusia, A disorder wherein you hear everything you read in the comforting voice of Morgan Freeman.\n[[There is a thought bubble of the man\u0027s thoughts, within it is Morgan Freeman reading text]]\nMorgan Freeman: Why, you could enlarge your penis for cheap. My, my. Isn\u0027t that something?\n{{title text: It\u0027s amazing what it does for YouTube comments.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s amazing what it does for YouTube comments.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/freemanic_paracusia.png", "title": "Freemanic Paracusia", "day": "13" }, { "month": "8", "num": 463, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Voting Machines", "transcript": "[[First Man sitting at computer reading an article]]\nArticle: Premier Election Solutions (formerly Diebold) has blamed ohio voting machine errors on problems with the machines\u0027 McAfee antivirus software.\nFirst Man: Wait. \"Antivirus software\"? On voting machines? {{italics}} You\u0027re doing it wrong.\n[[Second Man enters the frame and speaks to First Man]]\nSecond Man: Why? Security is good, right?\nFirst Man: Of course. But, well-\nFirst Man: Imagine you\u0027re at a parent-teacher conference, and the teacher reassures you that he always wears a condom while teaching.\nSecond Man: Ah. Strictly speaking, it\u0027s better than the alternative.\nFirst Man: -Yet someone is clearly doing their job horribly wrong.\n{{Alt Text: And that\u0027s *another* crypto conference I\u0027ve been kicked out of. C\u0027mon, it\u0027s a great analogy!}}", "alt": "And that\u0027s *another* crypto conference I\u0027ve been kicked out of. C\u0027mon, it\u0027s a great analogy!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/voting_machines.png", "title": "Voting Machines", "day": "15" }, { "month": "8", "num": 464, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "RBA", "transcript": "[[Girl walks up to boy pouring himself a drink]]\nGirl: Now, this is a story all about how\nGirl: My life got flipped turned upside down\nGirl: And I\u0027d like to take a minute\nGirl: Just sit right there\nGirl: I\u0027ll tell you how I became uncertain about our relationship. I think you just like having a girlfriend, it doesn\u0027t matter who.\nGirl: I think we should break up.\n[[Cut to dropped glass, drink spilled on ground]]\nNarrator: The reverse Bel-Air only works once, so make it something unforgettable.\nBoy: ...wait, seriously?\nGirl: Yeah.\n{{Alt-text: This is a story all about how I started drinking.}}", "alt": "This is a story all about how I started drinking.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rba.png", "title": "RBA", "day": "18" }, { "month": "8", "num": 465, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Quantum Teleportation", "transcript": "[[Reporter and a Scientist are facing each other, sitting in chairs.]]\nReporter: So, Quantum Teleportation-\nScientist: The name is misleading. It\u0027s a particle statistics thing.\nReporter: So it\u0027s not like Star Trek? That\u0027s boring.\nScientist: Okay, I\u0027m sick of this. Every time there\u0027s a paper on Quantum Teleportation, you reporters write the same disappointed story.\n[[Scientist leaves seat and moves behind it]]\nReporter: But-\n[[Scientist has gone to device that was behind him and was out of the scope of the three previous panels.]]\nScientist: Talk to someone else. I\u0027m going to the Bahamas. \u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n[[The Scientist switches a device on.]]\n[[Device labeled \"TELEPORTER\" is switched from \"Quantum\" to \"Regular\".]]\n\u003c\u003cVRMMM\u003e\u003e\n{{The scientist is beamed up in classic Star Trek fashion}}\n{{alt-text: Science should be exactly as cool as the headlines sound. Like the \"RUSSIANS CUT APART AND REASSEMBLE DOGS\" thing}}", "alt": "Science should be exactly as cool as the headlines sound. Like the \u0027RUSSIANS CUT APART AND REASSEMBLE DOGS\u0027 thing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/quantum_teleportation.png", "title": "Quantum Teleportation", "day": "20" }, { "month": "8", "num": 466, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Moving", "transcript": "There are few forces more powerful than geeks desperately trying to get internet in a new apartment.\nCharacter 1: Okay, the pringles cantenna has let us patch into the WiFi network across the road.\nCharacter 2: And they have internet?\nCharacter 1: No, but I think the cable van will hook up their house first.\n{{title text: We need a special holiday to honor the countless kind souls with unsecured networks named \u0027linksys\u0027}}", "alt": "We need a special holiday to honor the countless kind souls with unsecured networks named \u0027linksys\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/moving.png", "title": "Moving", "day": "22" }, { "month": "8", "num": 467, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "X Girls Y Cups", "transcript": "[[There is a table with eight columns and eight rows. Cups to the horizontal girls to the vertical.]]\n{{Title: Google results for \u003cx\u003e cups \u003cy\u003e girls}}\n(Note: the values will be displayed left to right and top to bottom.)\n0 girls: 3, 375, 9, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0\n1 girl: 7, 7503, 2007, 10, 5, 3, 6, 2\n2 girls: 9, 1929000, 247, 7, 14, 13, 2, 1\n3 girls: 7, 6335, 394, 34, 3, 2, 6, 0\n4 girls: 3, 3513, 34, 0, 63, 0, 0, 0\n5 girls: 1, 9, 5, 3, 0, 0, 3, 0\n6 girls: 3, 1461, 1, 1, 1, 0, 0, 0\n7 girls: 2, 19, 4, 2, 0, 0, 0, 0\n{{Alt-text: Also no results: 1girl10000cups, 2girls(5+3i)cups, 65536girls35563cups, or 3frenchhens2turtledoves1cup.}}", "alt": "Also no results: 1girl10000cups, 2girls(5+3i)cups, 65536girls65536cups, or 3frenchhens2turtledoves1cup.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/x_girls_y_cups.png", "title": "X Girls Y Cups", "day": "25" }, { "month": "8", "num": 468, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fetishes", "transcript": "Author Katherine Gates recently attempted to make a chart of all sexual fetishes.\nLittle did she know that Russel and Whitehead had already failed at this same task.\n[[Russel and Whitehead are standing with Gödel, Russel holding a clipboard and smoking a pipe.]]\nRussel: Hey, Gödel â we\u0027re compiling a comprehensive list of fetishes. What turns you on?\nGödel: Anything not on your list.\nRussel: Uhâ¦hm.\n{{title text: They eventually resolved this self-reference, but Cantor\u0027s \u0027everything-in-the-fetish-book-twice\u0027 parties finally sunk the idea.}}", "alt": "They eventually resolved this self-reference, but Cantor\u0027s \u0027everything-in-the-fetish-book-twice\u0027 parties finally sunk the idea.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fetishes.png", "title": "Fetishes", "day": "27" }, { "month": "8", "num": 469, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Improvised", "transcript": "Harrison Ford Famously Improvised His \"I know\" Line in E.S.B. (The Empire Strikes Back). Here are a few of his less-successful ad-libs:\n[[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]]\nLeia: I Love You.\nHan: Well, Duh\n[[Han Solo in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon]]\nC-3P0: Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3720 to 1!\nHan: Seriously? ...Christ\n[[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]]\nLeia: I Love You.\nHan: Oh! Hey, that explains the kissing earlier.\n\n[[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]]\nLeia: I Love You.\nHan: I\u0027m Nailing Your Brother.\n[[Han Solo standing in front of Luke Skywalker, who is holding the blast shield helmet. The training droid hovers between them]]\nHan: Hokey Religions and ancient weapons are no match for scissors, though they do beat paper and rock.\n[[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]]\nLeia: I Love You.\nHan: Cool. Listen, this thing is really, REALLY cold.\n[[Han Solo stands in front of Princess Leia on the Cloud City Carbon Freezing Chamber]]\nLeia: I Love You.\nHan: Wowzers.\n[[Han Solo sits with two others. General Madine approaches.]]\nMadine: General Solo, is your strike team assembled?\nHan: Barely.\nHan: They\u0027re pretty drunk.\n[[Han Solo and Princess Leia stand in an Ice Tunnel of Hoth]]\nLeia: I\u0027d just as soon kiss a wookie.\nHan: Man, me too, but chewie never seems interested.\nHan: Maybe I should Grow My hair out.\n{{title text: Oh, your brother is Luke. Sorry, should\u0027ve mentioned that first.}}", "alt": "Oh, your brother is Luke. Sorry, should\u0027ve mentioned that first.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/improvised.png", "title": "Improvised", "day": "29" }, { "month": "9", "num": 470, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "The End is Not for a While", "transcript": "[[Man with with two picket signs. Another woman with a picket sign stands partially out of the frame, staring at the man.]]\nNarrator: I get in trouble for showing up contented at protests.\nSign 1: Things are pretty okay!\nSign 2: Anyone up for scrabble later?\n{{Title text: I THINK EVERYONE INVOLVED HERE IS CUTE}}", "alt": "I THINK EVERYONE INVOLVED HERE IS CUTE.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_end_is_not_for_a_while.png", "title": "The End is Not for a While", "day": "1" }, { "month": "9", "num": 471, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Aversion Fads", "transcript": "[[Two guys stand together as a young guy dressed up with small ears and a tail approaches.]]\nFirst Man: OH GOD, A FURRY. DON\u0027T LET IT TOUCH YOU.\n[[The Furry hears someone call out to him]]\nUnknown: HEY, KID.\n[[A young woman is seen preparing a kite to be flown.]]\nWoman: FORGET THOSE ASSHOLES. COME HELP ME.\n[[The Furry begins to help the woman set up the kite.]]\nFurry: THANKS, SO YOU\u0027RE COOL WITH FURRIES?\nWoman: WELL, I THINK YOUR FETISH IS AS WEIRD AS HELL. IT JUST BOTHERS ME HOW YOU\u0027RE THIS DESIGNATED INTERNET PUNCHING BAG AMONG PEOPLE WHO ARE OTHERWISE DOWN WITH WEIRD FETISHES. SO I STICK UP FOR YOU WHEN I CAN.\n[[The kite now successfully up in the air, the two continue.]]\nFurry: WELL, THANKS. I OWE YOU ONE.\nWoman: NO BIG DEAL.\nFurry: NO, THIS IS LIKE THE LION AND THE MOUSE.\nWoman: ...LISTEN, CAN WE PICK A COMPARISON LESS LIKELY TO TURN YOU ON?\nFurry: SORRY.\n{{title text: Hey, are you friends with any hamsters. This kite needs a passenger.}}", "alt": "Hey, are you friends with any hamsters? This kite needs a passenger.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/aversion_fads.png", "title": "Aversion Fads", "day": "3" }, { "month": "9", "num": 472, "link": "https://www.amazon.com/House-Leaves-Mark-Z-Danielewski/dp/0375703764", "year": "2008", "news": "(Today\u0027s comic is a parody of \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/House-Leaves-Mark-Z-Danielewski/dp/0375703764\"\u003eHouse of Leaves\u003c/a\u003e.)", "safe_title": "House of Pancakes", "transcript": "{{All instances of the word \"House\" are in blue.}}\nEvery day a new city, a new IHOP. And yet every night the dreams get worse. I ply the highways, a nervous eye on the rear-view mirror, the back seat piled with stolen menus. Their doors are opened 24 hours, but forever closed to my soul. This is what my life has become. This is my hell.\n{{sidenote left: International}}\nHouse of Pancakes\n{{scribbled-out sidenote right: BLOGSPOT}}\nStrawberry Banana Pancakes\nFour pancakes filled with sliced fresh banana and crowned with cool strawberry topping, more [17] bananas and [23] whipped topping.\n[17] Driven by a nameless fear, a whisper in the dark behind me, I flee ahead of I know not what. Whenver I turn, there\u0027s nobody behind me. And yet someone is clearly stealing the ketchup. WHY?\n[[The footnote is covered in fingerprints.]]\n[23] My life is feeding,\nfleeing,\nfighting,\nand\nforgetting.\n[[The above note is sandwiched in sideways in between the Stuffed French Toast and Ham and Egg Melt.]]\nRooty Jr.\nA kids only [19] version of our house signature Rooty Tooty. One scrambled egg, one strip of bacon, one pork sausage link and one fruit-topped buttermilk pancake.\n[19] The decision not to hyphenate \"kids only\" is likely connected to the omission of the serial comma. I wonder if the author is British. I wonder if he sleeps at night.\n[[The following passages are have a red substance underneath them, probably ketchup.]]\nRise \u0027N Shine\nTwo eggs, toast and hash browns served with your choice [21] of two strips of bacon or two pork sausage links.\n[21] {{illegible}} rent a storage unit. Sleep there. Fill it with pancakes. Leave.\nStuffed French Toast\nCinnamon raisin French [18] toast stuffed with sweet cream cheese filling, topped with cool strawberry or your choice of fruit compote and whipped topping.\n[18] Nightmares again. I wake up covered in sweat, and what appears to be a thin sheen of maple syrup\n{{Handwritten, underlined}} WHO IS MOHAWK GIRL?\n[[Slanted 90 degrees left]]\nHam \u0026 Egg Melt\nGrilled sourdough bread stuffed with ham, scrambled eggs, Swiss and American cheeses. [20]\n[[At normal orientation]]\n[20] Ordered this in at an IHOP in Rochester, New York. There was blood on the floor. Some of it was mine.\n[[Comic strip]]\nEnough with your pancakes.\nEnough with your GOD DAMN pancakes.\nThe Big Steak Omlette\nTender strips of steak, hash browns, {{redacted}} tomatoes and Cheddar cheese. Served [22] with house salsa.\n[22] Woke up in Las Vegas. They\u0027re closing the Star Trek Experience today. The IHOP up the strip had pancake platters named after various states.\nNone of them sounded like home.\n{{Alt text: Fuck it, I\u0027m just going to Waffle House.}}\n{{External link: http:\nwww.amazon.com\nHouse-Leaves-Mark-Z-Danielewski\ndp\n0375703764}}", "alt": "Fuck it. I\u0027m just going to Waffle House.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/house_of_pancakes.png", "title": "\u003cspan style=\"color: #0000ED\"\u003eHouse\u003c/span\u003e of Pancakes", "day": "5" }, { "month": "9", "num": 473, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Still Raw", "transcript": "[[Man laying on sidewalk outside a house, surrounded by his belongings]]\nShe threw me out yelling \"You don\u0027t say those words, not in this house.\"\nIt\u0027s been two years. I thought the wounds had healed.\nBut I stand by what I said...\nPluto should never have been a planet.\n{{Title-text : We actually divorced once over the airplane\ntreadmill argument. (Preemptive response to the inevitable threads arguing about it: you\u0027re all wrong on the internet.) }}", "alt": "We actually divorced once over the airplane/treadmill argument. (Preemptive response to the inevitable threads arguing about it: you\u0027re all wrong on the internet.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/still_raw.png", "title": "Still Raw", "day": "8" }, { "month": "9", "num": 474, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Turn-On", "transcript": "[[A bar]]\nMan: So, the LHC\u0027s turning on. This could be our last night on earth.\nWoman: Gimme a break. They\u0027re not even colliding yet, and it won\u0027t do anything cosmic rays haven\u0027t.\n[[The man starts to turn away.]]\nWoman: Hey, I didn\u0027t say no.\nWoman: I\u0027m a physics grad student. I need the excuse to party.\nMan: So, you\u0027re up for a night with a charming stranger?\nWoman: Depends. Top or bottom?\nMan: Hey, I haven\u0027t even bought you a drink.\nWoman: Barkeep, two whiskey sours, straight down.\n{{Alt text: Supercollider? I \u0027ardly know her!}}", "alt": "Supercollider? I \u0027ardly know \u0027er!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/turn-on.png", "title": "Turn-On", "day": "10" }, { "month": "9", "num": 475, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Further Boomerang Difficulties", "transcript": "[[Man is throwing boomerang \n Holding his hands up, man waits for return \n Continual waiting\n Man is dejected, head hangs low]]\n[[Man throws boomerang]] \n Man waits for boomerang]] \n Outside: Oh God \n Outside: The Ozone layer! [[Man is suprised]]\n[[Man throws boomerang banana \n Man waits]] \n Girl who walks in: That was our last banana \n Girl: You\u0027re such an asshole.\n[[Man throws boomerang \n Boomerang breaks out of the panel box]]\n[[Boomerang breaks out of a satellite, followed by the man]]\n{{Alt-Text: An eternity later, the universe having turned out to have a positive curvature and a lot of mass, the boomerang hits him in the back of the head}}", "alt": "An eternity later, the universe having turned out to have positive curvature and lots of mass, the boomerang hits him in the back of the head.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/further_boomerang_difficulties.png", "title": "Further Boomerang Difficulties", "day": "12" }, { "month": "9", "num": 476, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "One-Sided", "transcript": "[[Caption Above Comic]] Sometimes my conversations with strangers go on for a while before I realize that they\u0027re talking on their phones.\nGuy With Backpack: Hi!\nNarrator: Hi.\nGuy With Backpack: What\u0027s up?\nNarrator: Uh, not a lot...\nGuy With Backpack: Shit. Does Bernanke own a crossbow?\n[[Background is a graph, with x-axis labeled \"Length of Conversation\" and y-axis labeled \"How Often This Happens\". The graph looks parabolic towards the left-hand side, but as x approaches infinity, y approaches zero. A vertical dashed line runs through the graph, slightly to the right of the peak of the graph. To the right of the dashed line there is an arrow pointing to the right that is labeled \"Awkward Zone\". The x-axis has a broken scale, and to the right of the break there is a very small increase in the graph that is parenthetically labeled \"My Second Relationship\".]]\n{{title text: He continued, \u0027Okay, Bernanke is uncontaminated. Find a crossbow and get him into position behind one of the columns at the Fed entrance. This is gonna get ugly.\u0027}}", "alt": "He continued, \u0027Okay, Bernanke is uncontaminated. Find a crossbow and get him into position behind one of the columns at the Fed entrance. This is gonna get ugly.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/one-sided.png", "title": "One-Sided", "day": "15" }, { "month": "9", "num": 477, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Typewriter", "transcript": "[[A typewriter is shown with the following letter in it:\nDear Grandmom, cnn.com\n I hope this reddit.com letter\nfinds you well. I wanted to say I\nreally news.google.com enjoyed the\ntrip you boingboing.net took us on,\nand am looking forward to bbc.co.uk\nvisiting later fivethirtyeight.com\nthis year.\n\t\t\t\tLove, slashdot.org\n\n\t\t\t\tYour grandson,]]\nI didn\u0027t realize how bad my habit of tabbing to Firefox every few seconds to check news sites had gotten until I tried writing on a typewriter.\n{{title text: Somewhere in the world, my actual grandmothers are reading this and angrily exclaiming that I never write even malformed thank-you notes. DEAR GRANDMOMS: I AM SORRY! YOU ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. LOVE reddit.com RANDALL.}}", "alt": "Somewhere in the world, my actual grandmothers are reading this and angrily exclaiming that I never write even malformed thank-you notes. DEAR GRANDMOMS: I AM SORRY! YOU ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE AND THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. LOVE reddit.com RANDALL.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/typewriter.png", "title": "Typewriter", "day": "17" }, { "month": "9", "num": 478, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Staple Madness", "transcript": "Man with Beret: I FOUND MEGAN\u0027S STAPLE GUN! [[holds up staple gun]]\nMan: [[holding forehead]] OH NO.\nMan: [[outside of the panel]] OH GOD WHAT ARE YOU--\nMan with Beret: [[kneeling at laptop, stapling DVD to laptop]] INSTALLING DEBIAN! \u003c\u003cKA CHUNK\u003e\u003e\nMan with Beret: SANDWICHES! \u003c\u003cka CHUNK ka CHUNK\u003e\u003e\nMan with Beret: [[running with staple gun]] MUST AFFIX EVERYTHING TO EVERYTHING\n\u003c\u003cka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK ka CHUNK\u003e\u003e\n[[Megan enters holding tote bag]]\nMegan: ...HAVE YOU BEEN ABUSING MY STAPLE GUN?\nMan with Beret: NO.\nGod: [[outside of scene, as voice from above]] YES!", "alt": "Staple guns: because duct tape can\u0027t make that \u0027kaCHUNK\u0027 noise.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_staple_madness.png", "title": "The Staple Madness", "day": "19" }, { "month": "9", "num": 479, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tones", "transcript": "[[Man standing in room next to round table, looking out window. Blue and orange sunset visible outside the window]]\nNarrator: I haven\u0027t lived a perfect life.\nMade plenty of mistakes.\nGot my share of regrets.\n[[Viewpoint zooms in onto man and table. Cell phone visible on table.]]\nNarrator: But there\u0027s one thing of which I\u0027m proud.\nOne stand on which I\u0027ve never wavered.\n[[Viewpoint zooms in onto cell phone on table.]]\nNarrator: When someone calls my phone,\nit makes a goddamn RINGING sound.\n{{Alt Text: I need a lawn, so I can yell at kids to stay off it.}}", "alt": "I need a lawn, so I can yell at kids to stay off it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tones.png", "title": "Tones", "day": "22" }, { "month": "9", "num": 480, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Spore", "transcript": "[[User sitting at computer desk, surrounded by game boxes]]\nUser: Sweet, beat \u0027Populous\u0027. Now, on to \u0027Alpha Centauri\u0027.\nCaption: Until I can afford \u0027Spore\u0027, I\u0027m just playing through all my old games in order of scale.\n{{title text: Way to not support the GMA 950 under OS X, Spore. :(}}", "alt": "Way to not support the GMA 950 under OS X, Spore. :(", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spore.png", "title": "Spore", "day": "24" }, { "month": "9", "num": 481, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Listen to Yourself", "transcript": "[[Man in Hat approaches a girl tying at a computer]]\nMan in Hat: What are you writing?\nGirl: Virus.\nMan in Hat: What\u0027s it do?\nGirl: When someone tries to post a YouTube comment, it first reads it aloud back to them.\nNarrator: Soon everywhere:\n[[A person is commenting on YouTube]]\n\u003c\u003ctype\u003e\u003e\u003c\u003ctype\u003e\u003e\u003c\u003ctype\u003e\u003e\n[[Youtube comment is read back]]\nCommenter: ...I\u0027m a moron.\n[[Commenter leaves desk]]\n[[Commenter is seen sitting on steps, depressed]]\n[[Commenter has head in hands]]\nCommenter: I...\nCommenter: I didn\u0027t know.\n{{alt text: Man, I just wanted to know how babby was formed.}}", "alt": "Man, I just wanted to know how babby was formed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/listen_to_yourself.png", "title": "Listen to Yourself", "day": "26" }, { "month": "9", "num": 482, "link": "https://store.xkcd.com/products/height-poster", "year": "2008", "news": "This comic is available as \u003ca href=\"https://store.xkcd.com/products/height-poster\"\u003ea poster print\u003c/a\u003e.\u003cbr/\u003e", "safe_title": "Height", "transcript": "[[Map of the universe from observable universe to Earth. Each area of item is labled]]\nLables [[Left to Right, Up to Down]]:\n[[Man in Hat is throwing a black kitty down]] Black Cat: mrowl! \n Top of Observable Universe \n 46 Billion Light Years Up \n Hubble Deep Field Objects \n-One Billion Light Years- \n Great Attractor\nAntanne Galaxies (Colliding) \nAndromeda \n Holy Crap Lots of Space \n - One Million Light Years- \n Magellanic Clouds \n Edge of Galaxy \n Galactic Center \n Crab Nebula \n Orion Nebula \n Horsehead Nebula \n Romulan Neutral Zone \n The PLEIADS, Duh. \n Rigel \n Bete (Geuse) \n Ford Prefect \n - Expanding Shell of Radio Transmissions [[Arrows are pointing up]] - \n Edge of Federation Sector 0-0-1 \n Pollux \n Arcturus \n Missing Winds \n Alpha Centauri \n Sirius \n Barnard\u0027s Star\n- One Parsec - \n - One Light Year - \n Oort Cloud (?) \n Bupkis \n Comet Which will destroy Earth in late 2063 \n Pioneer 10 \n Eris (All hail Discordia!) \n Voyager I \n Pluto (Not a planet. Neener neener.) \n Neptune \n Uranus \nSaturn \n Asteroids \n \u003c~life~\u003e \n Jupiter \n Venus \n Mars \n Sun \n Mercury \n Aircraft: Hey a heaping bowl of salt! \n \"Open the fridge door, Hal.\" \n Moon \n Human Altitude Record (Apollo 13) \n 2nd Place: Snoop Dogg \n Space Elevator - One of these days, promise! \n - Geosynchronous Orbit- \n GPS Satellites \n Aircraft 2: I have no idea how to land \n Aircraft 2[[continued]]: In retrospect, they [[underlined]] shouldn\u0027t [[\nunderline]] have sent a poet \n International Space Station \n Space Junk \n - Official Edge of Space (100 km) - \n Meteors \n - 1\n10 ATM - \n High Altitude Balloons \n Airliners \n - 1\n2 ATM - \n Cory Doctrow \n Shuttle Columbia Lost \n Everest \n Helicoptors \n Man: Woo Python! \n - 800 m - \n - 1 km - \n [[Height progressivly gets smaller and smaller]] \n Burj Dubai (~800 m) \n Eiffel Tower (325 m) \n Kites \n Great Pyramid (140 m) \n Redwood (115 m) \n Pop Fly \n Oak (20 m) \n \"Hey Squirrels!\" \n Tallest Stilts \n Brachiosaur (13 m) \n Giraffe (8 m) \n [[A man and a woman]] Folks\nMap Title Text : The Observable Universe, from Top to Bottom ~ On a log scale~\nMap Disclaimer: Sizes are not to scale, but heights above the Earth\u0027s surface are accurate on a log scale (that is, each step up is double the height.)\n{{Alt-text: Interestingly, on a true vertical log plot, I think the Eiffel Tower\u0027s sides would really be straight lines.}}", "alt": "Interestingly, on a true vertical log plot, I think the Eiffel Tower\u0027s sides really would be straight lines.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/height.png", "title": "Height", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 483, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fiction Rule of Thumb", "transcript": "[[Line graph shown with an inverse curve]] \n [[Y-Axis: Probability book is good]] \n [[X-Axis: Number of words made up by author]] \n [[The curve becomes less steep as the number of words increase]] \n {{Quote at the bottom of the text}}\"The Elders, or Fra\u0027as, guarded the farmlings (children) with their krytoses, which are like swords but awesomer...\" {{Fra\u0027as, farmlings, krytoses and awesomer are italicised}} \n {{Alt-Text: Except for anything by Lewis Carroll and Tolkien, you get five made-up words per story. I\u0027m looking at you, Anathem.}}", "alt": "Except for anything by Lewis Carroll or Tolkien, you get five made-up words per story. I\u0027m looking at you, Anathem.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fiction_rule_of_thumb.png", "title": "Fiction Rule of Thumb", "day": "1" }, { "month": "10", "num": 484, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flash Games", "transcript": "[[On the left side of the panel, is a massive TV screen, large speakers, and similar devices, all connected to a \"Game Station 20,000\" console. A man, however, is over on the right side of the panel, on a modestly-sized computer.]]\nMan: Ooh, I think I\u0027ve got it figured out! Okay, one more hour.\n\u003c\u003cBeep\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cPlunk\u003e\u003e\nCaption: The most powerful gaming systems in the world still can\u0027t match the addictiveness of tiny in-browser Flash games.\n{{title text: Although ... who else can\u0027t wait for them to incorporate that Wiimote head-tracking stuff into games? Man, the future\u0027s gonna be *awesome*.}}", "alt": "Although ... who else can\u0027t wait for them to incorporate that Wiimote head-tracking stuff into games? Man, the future\u0027s gonna be *awesome*.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flash_games.png", "title": "Flash Games", "day": "3" }, { "month": "10", "num": 485, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Depth", "transcript": "Sizes Accurate on a vertical log scale\n[[Series of images of characters doing various things. Thei things they are doing are listed in left to right order]]\nMan and woman playing in a ball pen \n Woman using witchcraft to ban vista \"Out, Vista!\"\nTwo girls play Rock Band \n Man and woman are having \"fun\" on a shaking bed.\n[[Below this series of images, an image of a man on the computer]]: \nMan is on computer and the image expands as it goes down. Here are the labels from left to right, up to down:\nCD \n DVD \n Case \n North Bridge \n Ps\n2 \n Mouse (a physical mouse) \n RAM \n CPU Socket Pin \n 2,767 Angels Dancing (one more and they\u0027d roll over and become 32,768 Devils), Rice, Torrent (a bug), CPU, upcoming segfault \n dust mite \n hair \n OVUM \n Data (a pixel on Rick Astley\u0027s shoulder), rust mite, fork(); \n Peter Norton fighting a baxteriophage \n memory \n carbon nanotubes \n space elevator \n a line of silicon (Si), Electron Cloud, a man made out of arrows saying \"sup? \n Silicon nucleus \n IPod femto \n Brian Greene knitting furiously \u003c\u003cclank, clunk\u003e\u003e\n{{Alt Text: The Planck length is another thousand or two pixels below the comic.}}", "alt": "The Planck length is another thousand or two pixels below the comic.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/depth.png", "title": "Depth", "day": "6" }, { "month": "10", "num": 486, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "I am Not a Ninja", "transcript": "[[Man and woman are in the same panel]] Woman: we need to talk.\n[[Pans back to a panel with a window, which the man looks back at]]\n[[Man throws grenade]] \u003c\u003cPOW\u003e\u003e\n[[Grenade fizzles, man and woman both look down at it]] \u003c\u003csssss\u003e\u003e\nWoman: [[puts her hand to her face]]\u003c\u003ccough\u003e\u003e\n[[Alarm above them starts beeping]][[Man and woman look up]]\nBEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP--\n[[Man and woman look down at the grenade again]]\n[[Man slowly walks away as the alarm continues to beep]]\n[[Man opens the window]] \u003c\u003cRattle rattle\u003e\u003e\n[[Pans back to the full view, the alarm is still beeping and the man looks back at the woman, who is face-palming]]\n[[Woman walks away, man looks at window]]\n{{Alt-Text: \u0027The sad thing is that I just wanted to talk about your poor smoke-bomb techniques.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027The sad thing is that I just wanted to talk about your poor smoke-bomb techniques.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_am_not_a_ninja.png", "title": "I am Not a Ninja", "day": "8" }, { "month": "10", "num": 487, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Numerical Sex Positions", "transcript": "Title text: XKCD presents a guide to numerical sex positions:\n69 \n[[traditional sixty-nine position, mutual oral sex]]\n99 \n[[sort of a standing doggy-style position]]\n71 \n[[girl is bent over a table]]\n34 \nGuy: Uh. \n[[guy and girl look confusedly at each other]]\n8^(1\n2) \nNarrator: Guys? \n[[guy and girl are staring blankly at each other]]\nln(2 pi) \nNarrator: Aww, c\u0027mon... \n[[girl begins walking away]]\n{{title text: We didn\u0027t even get to the continued fractions!}}", "alt": "We didn\u0027t even get to the continued fractions!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/numerical_sex_positions.png", "title": "Numerical Sex Positions", "day": "10" }, { "month": "10", "num": 488, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "Note: the \u003ca href=\"https://www.amazon.com/MP3-Music-Download/b?ie=UTF8\u0026node=163856011\"\u003eAmazon.com MP3 store\u003c/a\u003e sells DRM-free music. Kudos.", "safe_title": "Steal This Comic", "transcript": "Thinking of buying from audible.com or iTunes?\nRemember, if you pirate something, it\u0027s yours for life. You can take it anywhere and it will always work.\n[[There is a flowchart whose paths are (You\u0027re a Criminal)\u003c-Pirate\u003c-(Buy or Pirate)-\u003eBuy-\u003e(Things Change)-\u003e(You Try to Recover Your Collection)-\u003e(You\u0027re a Criminal)]]\nBut if you buy DRM-locked media, and you ever switch operating systems or new technology comes along, your collection could be lost.\nAnd if you try to keep it, you\u0027ll be a criminal (DMCA 1201).\nSo remember: if you want a collection you can count on, PIRATE IT.\nHey, you\u0027ll be a criminal either way.\n(If you don\u0027t like this, demand DRM-free files)\n{{Title text: I spent more time trying to get an audible.com audiobook playing than it took to listen to the book. I have lost every other piece of DRM-locked music that I ever paid for.}}", "alt": "I spent more time trying to get an audible.com audio book playing than it took to listen to the book. I have lost every other piece of DRM-locked music I have paid for.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/steal_this_comic.png", "title": "Steal This Comic", "day": "13" }, { "month": "10", "num": 489, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Going West", "transcript": "[[Man and woman are talking, and the man is walking away from the woman. Woman is holding a an open envelope]]\nWoman: I\u0027m sorry. The google maps team hired me.\nMan: But I can\u0027t move to California\nWoman: Then I guess this is the end.\nMan: It can\u0027t be! ... Listen.\n[[Man is holding woman\u0027s hands in his]]\nMan: When I look deep into your eyes, I see a future for us.\nWoman: Look deeper.\n[[Man looks deeper into Woman\u0027s eyes.]]\nMan: \"We\u0027re sorry, but we don\u0027t have imagery at this zoom level\"?\nThey... they have you already.\n{{Alt-Text: Listen, they request that you stop submitting a listing for your house labeled \u0027WHERE YOU BROKE MY HEART\u0027.}}", "alt": "Listen, they request that you stop submitting a listing for your house labeled \u0027WHERE YOU BROKE MY HEART\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/going_west.png", "title": "Going West", "day": "15" }, { "month": "10", "num": 490, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Morning Routine", "transcript": "Morning Routine:\n1. Wake up\n2. Catch up on the lives of friends from around the world\n3. Get out from under the covers\nLaptops are weird.\n{{title text: I had a really hard time not writing \u0027... profit!\u0027}}", "alt": "I had a really hard time not writing \u0027... profit!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/morning_routine.png", "title": "Morning Routine", "day": "17" }, { "month": "10", "num": 491, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Twitter", "transcript": "[[A person with a handheld device sits on an office chair]]\n(Every other panel is the device making a \"beep beep\")\nDevice: On Twitter\nDevice: An odd regression:\nDevice: Ancient memes\nDevice: Find new expression\nDevice: Burma-shave\n{{title text: If long tooltips \n cut off for you \n then upgrade from \n Firefox 2 \n Burma Shave}}", "alt": "If long tooltips / cut off for you / then upgrade from / Firefox 2 / Burma Shave", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/twitter.png", "title": "Twitter", "day": "20" }, { "month": "10", "num": 492, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scrabble", "transcript": "[[A first-person view of a family scrabble game at a table. The two letters on the board are \u0027HI\u0027 and the letters in your hand are \u0027CLTORIS\u0027]]\nThis always happens to me in family scrabble games.\n{{title text: A veteran Scrabble player will spot the \u0027OSTRICH\u0027 option.}}", "alt": "A veteran Scrabble player will spot the \u0027OSTRICH\u0027 option.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scrabble.png", "title": "Scrabble", "day": "22" }, { "month": "10", "num": 493, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Actuarial", "transcript": "Person: I know you shouldn\u0027t feed the trolls, but sometimes they just provoke me to where I can\u0027t help replying.\nHat Guy: Yeah, me too. Yesterday this guy kept spamming \"First!\" So I got a set of actuarial tables and spent twenty minutes telling him when all his childhood heroes would likely die.\nPerson: ...\nPerson: Remind me never to upset you, ever.\nHat Guy: 2038: Last of the original Star Wars cast dies.\nPerson: Augh!\n{{Title Text: I started to do the tables for more famous people but it got really depressing and morbid and I had to go outside. Hat guy wins again.}}", "alt": "I started to do the tables for more famous people but it got really depressing and morbid and I had to go outside. Hat guy wins again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/actuarial.png", "title": "Actuarial", "day": "24" }, { "month": "10", "num": 494, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Secretary: Part 1", "transcript": "Spring 2009- The new president faces a crisis...\n[[Man is talking to an unseen Mr. President, who is sitting behind a desk.]]\nMan: Mr. President, the bloggers are restless\nMr. President: What are they a-twitter about now?\nMan: It\u0027s the tubes sir. They\u0027re clogged. We put too much stuff on them.\nMr. President: How bad is it?\nMan: The internet could be inoperative within days.\nMan: We can\u0027t let a crucial resource go unshepherded.\nMr. President: Go on.\nMan: I recommend you appoint a Secretary of the Internet. Someone to impose some orders on this mess.\nMr. President: Ordering bloggers around? Doesn\u0027t sound easy.\nMan: No; it\u0027s like herding lolcats.\nMr. President: What?\nMan: Nothing.\nMr. President: Do you have someone in mind for the post?\nMan: I know just the guy.\nSoon:\nPhone: \u003c\u003cRing\u003e\u003e\n[[Man-with-hat looks away from his computer at the ringing phone]]\n{{Alt-Text: The blueprints for the Department of the Internet offices call for Ceiling cat-themed sprinkler heads.}}", "alt": "The blueprints for the Department of the Internet offices call for Ceiling Cat-themed sprinkler heads.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/secretary_part_1.png", "title": "Secretary: Part 1", "day": "27" }, { "month": "10", "num": 495, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Secretary: Part 2", "transcript": "News Anchor: Breaking news--the President has made a nomination to the new post of Internet Secretary. We know little about the man, shown here.\nImage Caption: Possibly a haberdasher?\nNews Anchor: Attempts to reach the nominee at home were unsuccessful.\nReporter: What the hell kind of apartment has a moat?\nNews Anchor: To understand the culture from which he came--and which he may soon administer--we sent a reporter to what we\u0027re told is the source of that culture. Tom?\nTom: I\u0027m coming to you live from the 4chan \nb\n board. Despite the tube cloggage, nascent memes are flying fast and furious.\nNews Anchor: Why are you wearing a helmet, Tom?\nTom: I\u0027m not sure.\n[[Meanwhile in Ron Paul\u0027s blimp...]]\nRon Paul: Ahoy! What news of the blogs?\nPilot: Dr. Paul! The President\u0027s named his nominee!\nRon Paul: It\u0027s not me?\nRon Paul: Wait! I remember that guy from the campaign! He\u0027s a notorious troll!\nRon Paul: They mustn\u0027t put him in charge. Quick, call the capitol!\nPilot: Can\u0027t, sir. The tubes just went down completely.\nRon Paul: Blast!\nRon Paul: Then we\u0027ll go ourselves. Full speed ahead!\n{{The blimp advances minutely.}}\n{{The blimp advances minutely.}}\n{{The blimp advances minutely.}}\nRon Paul: I said full speed!\nPilot: It\u0027s a blimp, sir!\n{{Title text: That helmet won\u0027t save him.}}", "alt": "That helmet won\u0027t save him.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/secretary_part_2.png", "title": "Secretary: Part 2", "day": "28" }, { "month": "10", "num": 496, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Secretary: Part 3", "transcript": "[[The confirmation hearings begin...]]\nSenator: It appears you have quite an arrest record.\nSenator: Is it true you completely disassembled someone\u0027s car outside a Starbucks?\nHat Guy: It was parked across two spaces.\nSenator: You stole a red Fokker triplane and strafed the snoopy float at the Macy\u0027s Thanksgiving day parade?\nHat Guy: Got three mimes, too.\nSenator: You disrupted a 9\n11 truth meeting, insisting the Twin Towers never actually collapsed?\nHat Guy: I have evidence! Don\u0027t trust the media! Wake up, sheeple!\nSenator: You were fired from Radio Shack after you built a death ray and vaporized a customer?\nHat Guy: I was just testing it! Figures that\u0027d be the one day there was a shopper in the aisle.\nSenator: And you were thrown out of Microsoft headquarters for... trying to feed a squirrel through a fax machine?\nHat Guy: I forgot about that! it was part of an argument with Steve Ballmer about Vista.\nWhich I won, by the way.\nSenator: This is the worst history of vandalism, gleeful mayhem, and general recalcitrance we\u0027ve seen in a nominee since Ruth Bader Ginsburg. \nSenator: And this--you stole a nuclear submarine?\nHat Guy: I plead the third.\nSenator: You mean the fifth?\nHat Guy: No, the third.\nSenator: You refuse to quarter troops in your house?\nHat Guy: I have few principles, but I stick to them.\nMeanwhile...\n[[Aboard Ron Paul\u0027s blimp]]\nPilot: We\u0027re nearing Washington, sir.\nWait... There\u0027s something ahead on the sensors.\nPilot: It\u0027s a balloon.\nRon Paul: ...Oh, no.\n{{Title Text: He actually installed each piece in a different car on the lot, then built a new car in the spot from the displaced pieces. It\u0027s a confusing maneuver known as the auto-troll shuffle.}}", "alt": "He actually installed each piece in a different car in the lot, then built a new car in the spot from the displaced pieces. It\u0027s a confusing maneuver known as the auto-troll shuffle.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/secretary_part_3.png", "title": "Secretary: Part 3", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 497, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Secretary: Part 4", "transcript": "[[The Ron Paul Revolution blimp floats]]\nPilot: Sir! The balloon is hailing us!\n[[Cory Doctorow\u0027s balloon appears]]\nCory: Ahoy.\nRon Paul: Doctorow!\nCory: I won\u0027t let you stop this nomination. We bloggers watch out for our own.\nRon Paul: Stand aside, Cory.\nCory: Nay!\nRon Paul: Very well. Battle stations!\n[[The Ron Paul Revolution blimp\u0027s gun takes aim]]\n\u003c\u003cWhirrr kachunk\u003e\u003e\n[[Cory Doctorow\u0027s balloon\u0027s gun takes aim]]\n\u003c\u003cWhirrrr kachunk\u003e\u003e\n[[Both airships open fire]]\n\u003c\u003cPew pew pew\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cPew pew\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cBoing! Boing!\u003e\u003e\n[[Inside the Ron Paul Revolution blimp\u0027s control room]]\nPilot: We\u0027re taking damage!\nRon Paul: Keep firing!\nPilot: No good! We\u0027re losing altitude!\n[[Outside the Ron Paul Revolution blimp, it hangs smoking in the air]]\nRon Paul: All engines full! Pull up!\nPilot: Can\u0027t, sir!\n[[The Ron Paul Revolution blimp begins to sink, smoking more heavily]]\n[[The blimp sinks further]]\nPilot: Sir, maybe if we dropped all this gold...\nRon Paul: Never!\n[[Inside the control room, tilted slightly]]\nPilot: We\u0027ve lost, sir. We have to abort.\nRon Paul: Not yet, we don\u0027t! Open the loading bay doors.\n[[Camera zooms out slightly]]\nRon Paul: You take the blimp and fall back.\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\nRon Paul: I\u0027ve got a message to deliver.\n\u003c\u003cWhirr\u003e\u003e\n[[Ron Paul tosses his cane aside]]\n[[Ron Paul steadily transforms into Tron Paul]]\nNarrator: RON PAUL evolves into TRON PAUL\n[[Light cycle begins to form]]\n[[Tron Paul bends over the light cycle]]\n[[Light cycle finishes its formation]]\n[[Light cycle speeds off, trailing an American flag]]\n{{title text: It\u0027s time to draw the line.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s time to draw the line.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/secretary_part_4.png", "title": "Secretary: Part 4", "day": "30" }, { "month": "10", "num": 498, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Secretary: Part 5", "transcript": "{{The Senate. Hat Guy sits before the committee at his hearing to become Internet Secretary.}}\nChairman: We were convened here to review your nomination for the position of internet secretary.\nChairman: However, on review of your qualifications, we\u0027ve decided to sentence you to death.\nChairman: An unorthodox move, sure. But the vote was unanimous.\n{{Hat Guy is leaning back in his chair.}}\n[[Meanwhile . . .]]\nTron Paul: There\u0027s no grid! How do I steeeeer!!!!!\n{{Back at the Senate. Hat Guy is standing.}}\nHat Guy: Well, it\u0027s been fun. But I was never actually interested in taking the position. Good lord; listening to internet arguments all day? No thank you.\nChairman: Then why did you sit through all those hearings?\nHat Guy: It was taking us a while to move the pumps into the maintenance tunnels.\n{{The committee members murmur among themselves.}}\n{{There is a panel in the floor between Hat Guy and the committee.}}\n\u003c\u003cRUMBLE\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cplink\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cplink\u003e\u003e\n{{A red playpen ball bursts out of the panel and rolls towards the committee chairman.}}\n\u003c\u003cplink\u003e\u003e\n{{The room is still. Hat Guy\u0027s arms are folded.}}\n{{A geyser of red, white, and blue playpen balls bursts through the panel in the floor. Hat Guy is already gone.}}\n\u003c\u003cFOOM\u003e\u003e\n{{The committee members chase Hat Guy out the door as the Senate floor floods with playpen balls.}}\n{{The chase continues into the rotunda, as does the flood of playpen balls.}}\n{{Hat Guy stands in the middle of the rotunda as it fills with playpen balls, surrounded by members of the committee.}}\nCommittee Members: Security! Someone!\nCommittee Members: Get Him!\n{{Tron Paul bursts through the wall.}}\n\u003c\u003cCRASH\u003e\u003e\nTron Paul: Aaaaa!\n{{Hat Guy grabs the bottom of the lightcycle as Tron Paul goes by.}}\n\u003c\u003csnag\u003e\u003e\nTron Paul: Hey!\n{{Hat Guy swings onto the top of the light cycle.}}\n{{Hat Guy crouches on top of the light cycle.}}\nTron Paul: Get Off!\n{{Tron Paul and Hat Guy crash through the far wall of the rotunda.}}\n\u003c\u003cCRASH\u003e\u003e\n{{Tron Paul hits the ground.}}\n\u003c\u003cWHAM\u003e\u003e\nTron Paul: Ow!\n{{Hat Guy runs away.}}\nTron Paul: Ughhh.\n{{The lightcycle disappears.}}\nTron Paul: I feel queasy . . .\nCory Doctorow, above: Hey!\nHat Guy: Hi, Cory.\nCory Doctorow: Need a lift?\nHat Guy: Sure.\n{{Hat Guy and Cory Doctorow depart in Doctorow\u0027s balloon.}}\nCory Doctorow: So are you, like, a fugitive now?\nHat Guy: Well, I never did give them my name . . .\n[[But in the rotunda]]\n{{Senators play in the playpen balls.}}\nSenators: Let\u0027s jump down here from the balcony!\nSenators: Senior senators first!\nSenators: Wheeee!\nSenators: I\u0027m a submarine!\n[[All is forgiven.]]\n{{title text: And they choose Al Gore as Internet Secretary.}}", "alt": "And they choose Al Gore as Internet Secretary.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/secretary_part_5.png", "title": "Secretary: Part 5", "day": "31" }, { "month": "11", "num": 499, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scantron", "transcript": "[[A classroom scene. There are two desks, and the front one is occupied by the STUDENT. The TEACHER stands panel right facing the student.]]\nMiss Lenhart (Teacher): Okay class, I\u0027ve turned in your exams for grading. Now --\nStudent: Miss Lenhart?\n[[View is now simply student in desk and teacher. Teacher looks horrified.]]\nStudent: I used a #3 pencil instead of a #2. Will that mess anything up?\nMiss Lenhart (Teacher): You WHAT?\n[[Teacher stands, covering her head, in front of an off-panel right explosion. The UNSEEN SPEAKER is off-panel right.]]\n\u003c\u003cAIEE\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cBLAM\u003e\u003e\nUnseen Speaker: OH GOD!\n[[The student and teacher are left-panel, both looking shocked. The UNSEEN SPEAKER is still off-panel right.]]\nUnseen speaker: OH GOD!\nUnseen speaker: I\u0027ve never seen so much blood!\n{{Title text: Also, after all the warnings about filling in the bubbles completely, I spent like 30 seconds on each one.}}", "alt": "Also, after all the warnings about filling in the bubbles completely, I spent like 30 seconds on each one.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scantron.png", "title": "Scantron", "day": "3" }, { "month": "11", "num": 500, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Election", "transcript": "[[Character sits at his computer desk, staring at his computer.]]\nIt\u0027s over.\nAfter twenty months it\u0027s finally over.\nI don\u0027t have to be an election junkie anymore.\n[[Closeup of character\u0027s face and screen.]]\nI don\u0027t have to care about opinion polls, exit polls, margins of error, attack ads, game-changers, tracking polls, swing states, swing votes, the Bradley effect, or \u003cname\u003e the \u003coccupation\u003e.\nI\u0027m free.\n[[Character staring at his computer screen, full shot.]]\n[[Character types on his computer.]] \u003c\u003cTap Tap\u003e\u003e\n[[On screen]]Google \"2012 polling statistics\"\n{{Title text: \"Someday I\u0027ll be rich enough to hire Nate Silver to help make all my life decisions. \u0027Should I sleep with her?\u0027 \u0027Well, I\u0027m showing a 35% chance it will end badly.\u0027 \"}}", "alt": "Someday I\u0027ll be rich enough to hire Nate Silver to help make all my life decisions. \u0027Should I sleep with her?\u0027 \u0027Well, I\u0027m showing a 35% chance it will end badly.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/election.png", "title": "Election", "day": "5" }, { "month": "11", "num": 501, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Faust 2.0", "transcript": "Satan: Mortal! I come offering a deal - \nGuy: Read the sign.\nSatan: \"By entering this room, you agree to forfeit your own soul rather than negotiate with the mortal within...\" Wait, you can\u0027t - \nGuy: Too late.\nCaption: Mephistopheles encounters the E.U.L.A.", "alt": "The only blood these contracts are signed in is from me cutting my hand trying to open the goddamn CD case.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/faust_20.png", "title": "Faust 2.0", "day": "7" }, { "month": "11", "num": 502, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dark Flow", "transcript": "[[Man in a beret sits at a computer. A second man sits on the couch, which is facing the opposite direction, reading a book]]\nMan in beret: According to the A.S.T paper, every galaxy is being pulled toward one area of the sky\nMan in beret [[off-panel]]: They hypothesize that it may be due to a supermassive object beyond the edge of the visible universe.\nMan on the couch: Maybe it\u0027s your mom - Zing!\nMan in the beret: Do you think?\n[[Outside at night. Man in the beret is looking through a telescope.]]\nMan in beret: Pull Harder, Mom. - I Miss you.\n{{Title text: The Pioneer anomaly is due to the force of my love.}}", "alt": "The Pioneer anomaly is due to the force of my love.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dark_flow.png", "title": "Dark Flow", "day": "10" }, { "month": "11", "num": 503, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Terminology", "transcript": "[[Map of world with North America centered. An \"x\" is placed near east coast. Asia is labeled \"The East\" and Europe \"The West.\"]]\n\"The East\" \u003c- West x (me) East -\u003e \"The West\"\nThis always bugged me.", "alt": "Also, is it just me, or do Japan and New Zealand look suspiciously similar? Has anyone seen them at a party together?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/terminology.png", "title": "Terminology", "day": "12" }, { "month": "11", "num": 504, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Legal Hacks", "transcript": "[[A woman sits at her computer, a man standing behind her. The woman speaks first.]]\nWoman: Another ISP\u0027s filtering content.\nMan: Thank God for Crypto.\n[[The man stands alone; the woman is presumably off-panel left.]]\nMan: It wasn\u0027t that long ago that RSA was illegal to export. Classified a munition.\n[[The woman, sitting in her chair, is looking back towards the man, presumably off-panel right.]]\nWoman: You know, I think the crypto community took the wrong side in that fight. We should\u0027ve lobbied to keep it counted as a weapon.\nMan: Why?\n[[She is now turned around in the chair looking at the man, who is in-panel again.]]\nWoman: Once they get complacent, we break out the second amendment.\n[[The man has his hand on his chin, contemplatively.]] \nMan: ...Damn.\n{{Title text: It\u0027s totally a reasonable modern analogue. Jefferson would have been all about crypto.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s totally a reasonable modern analogue. Jefferson would have been all about crypto.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/legal_hacks.png", "title": "Legal Hacks", "day": "14" }, { "month": "11", "num": 505, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "A Bunch of Rocks", "transcript": "[[Man is walking, alone in desert. Man is narrating his own situation]]\nNarrator: So I\u0027m stuck in this desert for eternity.\nNarrator: I don\u0027t know why. I just woke up here one day.\nNarrator: I never feel hungry or thirsty.\nNarrator: I just walk.\nNarrator: Sand and rocks...\nNarrator: ...stretch to infinity.\nNarrator: As best as I can tell.\n[[Man is sitting in the desert, in a contemplative position]]\nNarrator: There\u0027s plenty of time for thinking out here.\nNarrator: An eternity really.\n[[Man is sketching stuff in the sand]]\nNarrator: I\u0027ve rederived modern math in the sand\nNarrator: and then some.\n[[Different graph types are depicted]]\nNarrator: Physics too. I worked out the kinks in quantum mechanics and relativity.\nNarrator: Took a lot of thinking, but this place has fewer distractions than a Swiss patent office.\n[[Man is walking along the desert, laying out rocks]]\nNarrator: One day I started laying down rows of rocks.\n[[Man continues to deploy rocks]]\nNarrator: Each new row followed from the last in a simple pattern.\n[[Image continues to zoom out showing laid out rocks]]\nNarrator: With the right set of rules and enough space,\nNarrator: I was able to build a computer.\nNarrator: Each new row of stones is the next iteration of the computation.\nNarrator: Sure it\u0027s rocks instead of electricity, but it\u0027s the same* thing.\nNarrator: Just slower.\nNotation: *Turing-complete\n[[Man in contemplative pose]]\nNarrator: After a while, I programmed it to be a physics simulator.\n[[Image of binary encoding depicted in rocks]]\nNarrator: Every piece of information about a particle was encoded as a string of bits written in the stones.\n[[Representations of two particles interacting]]\nNarrator: With enough time and space, I could fully simulate two particles interacting.\n[[Man standing before the vastness of the desert]]\nNarrator: But I have infinite time and space.\n[[Depiction of a universe]]\nNarrator: So I decided to simulate a universe.\n[[Man is walking about his rocks, changing placement]]\nNarrator: The eons blur past as I walk down a single row.\n[[Zoom out of the rows of rocks]]\nNarrator: The rows blur past to compute a single step.\n[[Shows placement of two rocks]]\nNarrator: And in the simulation...\n[[The two rocks have moved; an after-image of their previous placement is present]]\nNarrator: ...another instant ticks by.\n[[Man #2 observes a mote of dust vanish]]\nNarrator: So if you see a mote of dust vanish from your vision in a little flash or something\n[[Man is rearranging rocks]]\nNarrator: I\u0027m sorry. I must have misplaced a rock...\nNarrator: ...sometime in the last few billions and billions of millennia. \n[[Man in front of the vastness of his infinite desert]]\nNarrator: Oh and...\n[[Man is in a classroom setting, girl and professor are present]]\nNarrator: if you think the minutes in your morning lecture are taking a long time for _YOU_...\n{{title text: I call Rule 34 on Wolfram\u0027s Rule 34.}}", "alt": "I call Rule 34 on Wolfram\u0027s Rule 34.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/a_bunch_of_rocks.png", "title": "A Bunch of Rocks", "day": "17" }, { "month": "11", "num": 506, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Theft of the Magi", "transcript": "[[Black Hat Guy is holding up a video game. Woman is holding up a harness.]]\nBlack Hat Guy: Hey. I sold your Roomba on Craigslist so I could buy myself Left 4 Dead.\nWoman: But I eBayed your XBox so I could get this dueling harness for my Roomba!\nBlack Hat Guy: Aww.\nWoman: Aww.\n\n{{alt text: Every Roomba needs a dueling harness..}}", "alt": "Every Roomba needs a dueling harness.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/theft_of_the_magi.png", "title": "Theft of the Magi", "day": "19" }, { "month": "11", "num": 507, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Experimentation", "transcript": "[[A young male and female are holding hands, and the female is pointing off to the side.]]\nFemale: Oh, hey, it\u0027s twelve of the dudes from control group B!\nI\u0027m cool with her past lesbian experimentation, but I wish she hadn\u0027t insisted the experiments be scientifically rigorous.\n{{title text: I understand large sample sizes are key to a low sigma, but the entire sophomore class?}}", "alt": "I understand large sample sizes are key to a low standard error of the mean, but the entire sophomore class?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/experimentation.png", "title": "Experimentation", "day": "21" }, { "month": "11", "num": 508, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Drapes", "transcript": "Man: So does the carpet match the drapes?\nWoman: Yes but not the upholstery.\n[[Woman walks away]]\n[[Man looks confused]]\n{{title text: Wait, What?}}", "alt": "Wait, what?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/drapes.png", "title": "Drapes", "day": "24" }, { "month": "11", "num": 509, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Induced Current", "transcript": "[[A man wearing a beret, extension cord in hand, approaches Randall as he works at his computer.]]\nBeret: Can I plug my extension cord over here?\nRandall: No.\nBeret: Why?\nRandall: Solar Flares.\n[[A diagram is displayed, illustrating the Earth\u0027s magnetic field being permanently impacted by a large solar flare (represented by a large arrow).]]\n[[A second diagram is presented, illustrating the Earth\u0027s rotation and the resulting impact that the solar flare would have on the earth\u0027s magnetic field. ]]\nRandall: A large solar flare could dent the Earth\u0027s magnetic field inwards. The Earth\u0027s spin could then induce a strong current in any long conductors, melting them and starting fires. By extending your cord, you could kill us all.\n[[Stunned, the man wearing the beret looks down at the cord he carries.]]\nBeret: Really?\nRandall: Warn your friends.\n[[Dejected, the man walks away, cord in tow.]]\n[[Randall looks up from his computer as he is braced by his girlfriend, a stern look in her face.]]\nGirlfriend: That was MEAN.\nRandall: Listen, SOMEBODY has to keep MythBusters in business. Next season should be fun.\n{{title text: The MythBusters need to tackle whether a black hole from the LHC could REALLY destroy the world.}}", "alt": "The MythBusters need to tackle whether a black hole from the LHC could REALLY destroy the world.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/induced_current.png", "title": "Induced Current", "day": "26" }, { "month": "11", "num": 510, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Egg Drop Failure", "transcript": "[[Boy tosses contraption off of building with egg in it.]]\n[[Egg cracks and little chick flies out while people look quizzically at the hatched egg.]]\n\u003c\u003ccrack!\u003e\u003e\u003c\u003cchirp, chirp\u003e\u003e\n[[Device with cracked egg lands on ground.]]\n{{Title: I hear my brother Ricky won his school\u0027s egg drop by leaving the egg inside the hen.}}", "alt": "I hear my brother Ricky won his school\u0027s egg drop by leaving the egg inside the hen.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/egg_drop_failure.png", "title": "Egg Drop Failure", "day": "28" }, { "month": "12", "num": 511, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sleet", "transcript": "[[Rainy, cold, windy street; girl is walking along street; narration is from girl\u0027s point-of-view]]\nNarrator: The weather outside is frightful.\nNarrator: I hate trudging through the icy slush and biting sleet.\nNarrator: But it beats lying in our warm, cozy bed\nNarrator: Listening to you talk about DRM for hours on end\nBoy: (offscreen) Come back! Just listen to this one quote from \nFree Culture\n\n{{title text: I mean, I can barely hear myself complaining about Battlestar Galactica.}}", "alt": "I mean, I can barely hear myself complaining about Battlestar Galactica.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sleet.png", "title": "Sleet", "day": "1" }, { "month": "12", "num": 512, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Alternate Currency", "transcript": "Television: With the collapse of the dollar, the government has endorsed an alternate currency. Your monetary worth is now determined by the number of funny pictures saved to your hard drive.\nCaption: I have been preparing for this moment all my life.\n{{Title text: For the first time ever, the phrase, \u0027I\u0027d like to thank everyone at 4chan for making me successful and happy\u0027 is uttered.}}", "alt": "For the first time ever, the phrase \u0027I\u0027d like to thank everyone at 4chan for making me successful and happy\u0027 is uttered.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/alternate_currency.png", "title": "Alternate Currency", "day": "3" }, { "month": "12", "num": 513, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Friends", "transcript": "[[A boy is talking to a girl.]]\nBoy: I have a crush on you.\n[[Boy is shown alone.]]\nBoy: I could ask you out, and move on with my life if you said no.\nBoy: Or, WE COULD BE FRIENDS!\nBoy: See, I don\u0027t want to consider that you might not be attracted to me. I\u0027m scared of rejection, so I\u0027ve decided relationships should grow smoothly out of friendships.\n[[Girl is shown sitting at her computer.]]\nBoy: When you have problems, I\u0027ll be there for you, night after night.\nBoy: Selflessly.\nComputer (Instant message from boy): *hug*\n[[Girl is shown slamming door and walkng to boy to get a hug.]]\nBoy: I\u0027ll tear down the jerks you date, and wait for you to realize how good I am for you. That only I will ever understand you.\n\u003c\u003cSLAM\u003e\u003e\nGirl: \u003c\u003cSniff\u003e\u003e\nBoy: There there\n[[Boy is shown alone again.]]\nBoy: You don\u0027t want to hurt my feelings, and I won\u0027t ever force the issue. I\u0027ll tell myself it\u0027s because I \"Value our friendship.\"\nBoy: Bit by bit, I\u0027ll make you depend on me.\n[[Boy and girl are shown sitting on a rock in a park, reading a book together.]]\nBoy: You\u0027ll think about how long it would take to build this kind of connection again.\n[[Boy and girl are shown sitting on a couch drinking, getting closer, and kissing.]]\nBoy: And in a moment of weakness\nBoy: and loneliness\nBoy: you\u0027ll give in.\n[[Girl is shown sitting at the computer with boy behind her facing the other way washing dishes]]\nBoy: It\u0027ll feel comfortable and natural. You\u0027ll quietly revise your definition of love and try to be happy. And sometimes you will be.\n[[Girl is shown siting at the computer.]]\nBoy: Only the wistfulness in your gaze and the tiny pause before you say \"I love you\" will hint that this wasn\u0027t the ending you\u0027d hoped for.\nBoy: Sound good?\n[[Girl is holding hands with another boy, talking to boy.]]\nGirl: ...I\u0027m going to date this jerk.\nBoy: But he doesn\u0027t respect you!\n{{title text: Friends with detriments.}}", "alt": "Friends with detriments.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/friends.png", "title": "Friends", "day": "5" }, { "month": "12", "num": 514, "link": "https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relativity_of_simultaneity", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Simultaneous", "transcript": "Male: \"Mmm, simultaneous orgasms\"\nFemale: \"That wasn\u0027t simultaneous\"\nMale: \"Huh? It totally was!\"\nA common disagreement when one of you is doing all the moving\n{{Alt Text: I\u0027m leaving you for your twin. He\u0027s more mature than you by now.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m leaving you for your twin. He\u0027s more mature than you by now.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/simultaneous.png", "title": "Simultaneous", "day": "8" }, { "month": "12", "num": 515, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "No One Must Know", "transcript": "[[Man with hat and his female lover are talking and holding hands]]\nHat Man: You\u0027re my dearest darling danish.\nHat Man\u0027s Girl: And you\u0027re my lovely cutie pie.\nHat Man: Well, you\u0027re --\n[[Another man enters]]\n[[Hat man and his female lover look at each other]]\n[[Hat man is holding a bloody sack, while his female lover is pushing down on a shovel to make a hole for the body.]]\n{{Alt-Text: Or perhaps they knew he was there, and were just trying to torment him first.}}", "alt": "Or perhaps they knew he was there, and were just trying to torment him first.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/no_one_must_know.png", "title": "No One Must Know", "day": "10" }, { "month": "12", "num": 516, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wood Chips", "transcript": "[[Man leans on desk; Woman sits behind desk.]]\nMan: Did you ever figure out those mysterious woodchips?\nWoman: The ones in the hallway? No.\nMan: You didn\u0027t suspect that they matched the timber used in 1861 to build the \"ghost ship\" Mary Celeste, prompting you to send them to a lab for analysis, the results of which raised new and stranger questions?\nWoman: No, I threw them out. Why?\n{{My hoaxes need to get a lot less subtle.}}\n{{alt-text: You didn\u0027t run a chemical analysis against the Shroud of Turin? Man, all that work for NOTHING.}}", "alt": "You didn\u0027t run a chemical analysis against the Shroud of Turin? Man, all that work for NOTHING.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wood_chips.png", "title": "Wood Chips", "day": "12" }, { "month": "12", "num": 517, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Marshmallow Gun", "transcript": "Narrator: I got this gun that shoots marshmallows.\n[[A man removes a marshmallow gun from a box.]]\n[[Man shoots woman with marshmallow gun from offpanel.]]\n\u003c\u003cPOP POP POP\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cWHAP WHAP WHAP\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cPOP\u003e\u003e\n[[Woman sighs]]\n\u003c\u003cPOP POP\u003e\u003e\n[[Woman removes a super soaker from desk drawer.]]\n[[Woman shoots offscreen man with super soaker.]]\nMan: (offscreen) AUGH!\n\u003c\u003cFWOOSH\u003e\u003e\nMan: (offscreen) Man, I forgot that was there.\nNarrator: The next day, everyone else got them too.\n[[Woman and beret guy brandish marshmallow guns.]]\nWoman: Hey noob! Eat stay-puft(R)!\n[[Woman shoots marshmallow gun.]]\n\u003c\u003cPOP POP POP\u003e\u003e\n[[Man shoots marshmallow gun.]]\n\u003c\u003cPOP POP POP\u003e\u003e\n[[Woman and man shoot marshmallows into the air, crossing the streams of fire.]]\nBeret Guy: (offscreen) No, don\u0027t cross the ~\n\u003c\u003cFOOM\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cROAAAR\u003e\u003e\n[[Woman, Man, and Beret Guy are all standing with weapons pointed at the ground]]\nWoman: Okay, this is bad.\nOffscreen: You\u0027re shooting what?\n{{title text: Except in reality crossing a stream of marshmallows would create a giant Bill Murray.}}", "alt": "Except in reality crossing a stream of marshmallows would create a giant Bill Murray.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/marshmallow_gun.png", "title": "Marshmallow Gun", "day": "15" }, { "month": "12", "num": 518, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flow Charts", "transcript": "A guide to [[line break, bigger text]] understanding flow charts [[line break, normal text]] presented in flow chart form.\n0.Box: Start\n [[Arrow|Text=null Target=1.Box]]\n1.Box: Do you understand flow charts?\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027Yes\u0027 Target=2.Box]]\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027No\u0027 Target=4.Box]]\n2.Box: Good\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027Yes\u0027 Target=3.Box]]\n3.Box: Let\u0027s go drink.\n [[Arrow|Text=\u00276 drinks\u0027 Target=Final.Box]]\n4.Box: Okay. You see the line labeled \"yes\"?\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027Yes\u0027 Target=6.Box]]\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027No\u0027 Target=5.Box]]\n5.Box: But you see the ones labeled \"no\".\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027Yes\u0027 Target=End1.Box]]\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027No\u0027 Target=End2a.Box]]\nEnd1.Box: Wait, what?\n [[NoArrows]]\nEnd2a.Box: Listen.\n [[Arrow|Text=null Target=End2b.Box]]\nEnd2b.Box: I hate you.\n [[NoArrows]]\n6.Box: ...and you can see the ones labeled \"no\"?\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027Yes\u0027 Target=3.Box]]\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027No\u0027 Target=7.Box]]\n7.Box: But you just followed them twice!\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027Yes\u0027 Target=8a.Box]]\n [[Arrow|Text=\u0027No\u0027 Target=8a.Box]]\n8a.Box: (That wasn\u0027t a question.)\n [[Arrow|Text=null Target=8b.Box]]\n8b.Box: Screw it.\n [[Arrow|Text=null Target=3.Box]]\nFinal.Box: Hey I should try installing FreeBSD!\n{{Title text: At 8 drinks, you switch the torrent from FreeBSD to Microsoft Bob. C\u0027mon, it\u0027ll be fun!}}", "alt": "At 8 drinks, you switch the torrent from FreeBSD to Microsoft Bob. C\u0027mon, it\u0027ll be fun!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flow_charts.png", "title": "Flow Charts", "day": "17" }, { "month": "12", "num": 519, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "11th Grade", "transcript": "[[Bar graph title: Usefulness to career success]]\n900 hours of classes [[small bar]]\n400 hours of homework [[small bar]]\nOne weekend messing with Perl [[huge bar]]\n{{title text: And the ten minutes striking up a conversation with that strange kid in homeroom sometimes matters more than every other part of high school combined.}}", "alt": "And the ten minutes striking up a conversation with that strange kid in homeroom sometimes matters more than every other part of high school combined.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/11th_grade.png", "title": "11th Grade", "day": "19" }, { "month": "12", "num": 520, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cuttlefish", "transcript": "We visit a bio lab: [[Man and woman visit a bio lab where they look into a tank that the scientists point at.]]\nScientist- \"These are cuttlefish.\"\n[[Image of a cuttlefish]] They\u0027re frighteningly smart, have manipulating arms and tentacles, have ink jets, can dart backwards and see the polarization of light through their w-shaped pupils. And their sides are 200 dpi display screens which they use for camouflage and communication.\nScientist - \"When we realized how intelligent they were, we began to teach them. They\u0027ve advanced quickly. Cuttlefish: GO.\"\n[[Cuttlefish float out of the tank at man and woman]]\nCuttlefishes- \"Kill the physicists... kill the physicists\"\n[[Cuttlefish zap the man and Megan as they fall]]\nMan- [[Waking up from his sleep]] \"Oh god. I knew it.\"\nXKCD - Salutes Bio Majors\n[[Bottle is pouring into a flask, and a man takes the flask and drinks from it]] If we join you against the chemists, will you train your fleshy minions to leave us alive?\n{{Alt-Text: Unless the CS Majors finish the robot revolution before you finish the cephalopod one}}", "alt": "Unless the CS students finish the robot revolution before you finish the cephalopod one.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cuttlefish.png", "title": "Cuttlefish", "day": "22" }, { "month": "12", "num": 521, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "2008 Christmas Special", "transcript": "The 2008 XKCD Christmas Special\nNarrator: Due to the slowing economy, we could only afford to produce the prime-numbered panels.\nNarrator: You should be able to infer the missing parts of the story easily enough.\nNarrator: We apologize for the inconvenience.\n[[The first panel is blank]]\n[[Girl carrying Christmas lights and guy watching]]\nGirl: I\u0027m going to one-up those Christmas light displays on YouTube.\n[[Girl thinking]]\nGirl: Hmm. Needs more flair. Do you know what happens when you fire sodium pellets into a snowbank?\nGuy: No.\nGirl: Me neither.\n[[The next panel is blank]]\n[[Girl sitting in front of a console]]\nGirl: Whoops, one of the Arduino control boards sublimated.\nGirl: If only I could make it self-repairing...\n[[The next panel is blank]]\nGirl: Shit. The system has become sentient.\nGuy: Friggin\u0027 Python.\nSystem: GRAAARR!\n[[The next three panels are blank]]\n[[Girl showing laptop to guy]]\nGirl: But according to this email forward, Santa is secretly a Muslim!\nGuy: It explains everything!\n[[The next panel is blank]]\nGirl: Okay, the cloned raptors are hunting the last of the cyborgs. We\u0027re safe.\nGuy: Are you sure you thought this through?\n[[The next three panels are blank]]\n[[Two couples appear in this next panel]]\nGuy: Are the raptors contained?\nSecond girl: Sure. Unless they figure out how to build lightsabers.\n[[The next panel is blank]]\n[[Guy with hat fighting with a raptor using lightsabers]]\nGuy: It\u0027s all right. I\u0027ve got her.\n[[Lightsaber appears from behind]]\n\u003c\u003cSnap-hiss!\u003e\u003e\nGuy: ...Clever girl.\n[[The next three panels are blank]]\n[[Bill Gates is holding a weapon over Santa\u0027s body. The two girls are watching]]\nGirl: Great. Bill Gates kills Santa.\nBill Gates: I thought it was Stallman with a dyed beard.\n[[The next five panels are blank]]\n[[Girl and guy with hat are looking at a tree]]\nGirl: Where did you get this Christmas tree?\nGuy: Nowhere.\nGirl: Did you cut down the Yggdrasil?\nGuy: ...Maybe.\n[[The next panel is blank]]\n[[Girl and guy holding hands and looking at reader]]\nNarrator: Merry Christmas from XKCD \u003c3\n[[The last panel is blank]]\n{{title text: \u0027How could you possibly think typing \u0027import skynet\u0027 was a good idea?\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027How could you possibly think typing \u0027import skynet\u0027 was a good idea?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2008_christmas_special.png", "title": "2008 Christmas Special", "day": "24" }, { "month": "12", "num": 522, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Google Trends", "transcript": "Bloggers were recently amused to discover that, according to Google Trends, the search term \"men kissing\" is most popular in conservative Utah. A few other embarrassing correlations:\nSearch Term, Top City\nInstalling Ubuntu, Redmond, WA\nRunning for President in 2010, Wasilla, AK\nLincoln Fan Fiction, Chicago, IL\nRaptors on Hoverboards, Somerville, MA\nHow is babby formed?, Wasilla, AK\nI hate this website, Mountain View, CA\n{{Alt Text: Obama has been writing Lincoln\nObama erotic fan fiction on his secret livejournal. Excerpt: Lincoln lay back on the bed, nude save for his trademark stovepipe hat. \u0027Tell me,\u0027 he purred seductively, as he and Obama formed a more perfect union. \u0027When you come, is it 10% ethanol?\u0027}}", "alt": "Obama has been writing Lincoln/Obama erotic fan fiction on his secret livejournal. Excerpt: Lincoln lay back on the bed, nude save for his trademark stovepipe hat. \u0027Tell me,\u0027 he purred seductively, as he and Obama formed a more perfect union. \u0027When you come, is it 10% ethanol?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/google_trends.png", "title": "Google Trends", "day": "26" }, { "month": "12", "num": 523, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Decline", "transcript": "[[A man is pointing at a line graph at a specific point where it slopes down. The Y Axis shows that as Y increases, Love increases.]]\nMan: \"Our relationship entered its decline at this point.\"\nWoman[[Outside of panel]]: \"That\u0027s when you started graphing everything.\"\nMan: \"Coincidence!\"\n{{title text: \u0027There is also a spike on the Fourier transformation at the one month mark where--\u0027 \u0027You want to stop talking right now.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027There\u0027s also a spike on the Fourier transform at the one-month mark where --\u0027 \u0027You want to stop talking right now.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/decline.png", "title": "Decline", "day": "29" }, { "month": "12", "num": 524, "link": "", "year": "2008", "news": "", "safe_title": "Party", "transcript": "Hat guy: And so I hired Rick Astley to show up at her party.\nGuy: And rickroll her? Isn\u0027t that a little...last year?\nHat guy: Ah, but he\u0027s not going to sing.\nGirl 1: Hey is that Rick Astley?\nGirl 2: I think it is. He just came in.\nGirl 1: Oh no. Brace yourself.\nGirl 1: Wait. He\u0027s just standing there. Where\u0027s the song?\nGirl 1: He\u0027s staring at me.\nGirl 1: This is a little creepy.\nGirl 1: What\u0027s going on?\nGirl 1: That\u0027s actually Rick Astley Staring at me.\nGirl 1: What\u0027s he doing?\nGirl 1: Oh God, I keep expecting it, hearing it in my head.\n[[Girl 1 pulls at her hair]]\nGirl 1: Just do it already!\n[[Girl 1 runs stage right]]\nGirl 1: AAAAAAAA\n\u003c\u003cSLAM\u003e\u003e\nGirl 2: Mr. Astley?\nRick Astley: Yes?\nGirl 2: What did you do to her? What was that?\nRick Astley: That, my dear,\n[[Rick Astley puts on sunglasses]]\nRick Astley: Is how I roll.\n{{title text: I wonder what 2008 meme will go bizarrely mainstream in 2009 like Rickrolling did 2007-2008. I Accidentally \u003cnoun\u003e? Yo dawg? Place your bets now!}}", "alt": "I wonder what 2008 meme will go bizarrely mainstream in 2009 like Rickrolling did 2007-2008. I Accidentally \u003cnoun\u003e? Yo dawg? Place your bets now!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/party.png", "title": "Party", "day": "31" }, { "month": "1", "num": 525, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "I Know You\u0027re Listening", "transcript": "Now and then, I announce \"I know you\u0027re listening\" to empty rooms.\n[[Man is sitting in an armchair, reading. He murmurs something.]]\n[[Second man in front of a large computer terminal jumps out of chair after hearing the first man mumble. His chair has fallen over]]\nIf I\u0027m wrong, no one knows. And if I\u0027m right, maybe I just freaked the hell out of some secret organization.\n{{Title Text: Basically it\u0027s Pascal\u0027s Wager for the paranoid prankster}}", "alt": "It\u0027s basically Pascal\u0027s Wager for the paranoid prankster.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_know_youre_listening.png", "title": "I Know You\u0027re Listening", "day": "2" }, { "month": "1", "num": 526, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Converting to Metric", "transcript": "Guide to Converting to Metric\nThe key to converting to metric is establishing\nnew reference points. When you hear \"26 degrees centigrade\",\ninstead of thinking \"That\u0027s 79 degrees fahrenheit\" you should think,\n\"that\u0027s warmer then a house but cool for swimming.\"\nhere are some helpful tables of reference points:\nTemperature:\n60 degrees centigrade - Earth\u0027s Hottest\n45 degrees centigrade - Dubai Heat Wave\n40 degrees centigrade - Southern US Heat Wave\n35 degrees centigrade - Northern US Heat Wave\n30 degrees centigrade - Beach weather\n25 degrees centigrade - Warm Room\n20 degrees centigrade - Room Temperature\n10 degrees centigrade - Jacket Weather\n0 degrees centigrade - Snow!\n-5 degrees centigrade - Cold Day (Boston)\n-10 degrees centigrade - Cold Day (Moscow)\n-20 degrees centigrade - FuckFuckFuckCold\n-30 degrees centigrade - Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck!\n-30 degrees centigrade - Spit goes \"ckink\"\n[[Stick figure next to last three lines]]\nMan: \u003c\u003cPthoo\u003e\u003e [[Man spits]]\nSpit: \u003c\u003cClink!\u003e\u003e [[Spit bounces off ground]]\nLength\n1cm - Width of microSD card\n3cm - Length of SD card\n12cm - CD Diameter\n14cm - Penis\n15cm - BIC pen\n80cm - Doorway width\n1m - Lightsaber Blade\n170cm - Summer Glau\n200cm - Darth Vader\n2.5m - Ceiling\n5m - Car-length\n16m4cm - Human tower of Serenity crew\n[[Human tower of Serenity crew stick figures depicted taking up from second line of panel to bottom]]\nSpeed\n5 kph - 1.5 m\ns - Walking\n13 kph - 3.5 m\ns - Jogging\n25 kph - 7 m\ns - Sprinting\n35 kph - 10 m\ns - Fastest Human\n45 kph - 13 m\ns - Housecat\n55 kph - 15 m\ns - Rabbit\n75 kph - 20 m\ns - Raptor\n100 kph - 25 m\ns - Slow Highway\n110 kph - 30 m\ns - Interstate (65 MPH)\n120 kph - 35 m\ns - Speed you actually go when it says \"65\"\n140 kph - 40 m\ns - Raptor on Hoverboard\nVolume\n3mL - Blood in a fieldmouse\n5mL - Teaspoon\n30mL - Nasal Passages\n40mL - Shot Glass\n So when it\u0027s {{Nasal Passages}} blocked, the mucus in your nose could about fill a shot glass.\n [[Image of a shot glass]] Related: I\u0027ve invented the worst mixed drink ever.\n350mL - Soda Can\n500mL - Water Bottle\n3L - Two-Liter Bottle\n5L - Blood in a Human Male\n30L - Milk Crate\n55L - Summer Glau\n65L - Dennis Kucinich\n75L - Ron Paul\n200L - Fridge\n[[Stick figure shoving stick figures of Ron Paul, Summer Glau, and Dennis Kucinich into fridge]]\n[[Above fridge, circled, is 55+65+75 \u003c 200]]\nMass\n3g - Peanut M\u0026M\n100g - Cell Phone\n500g - Bottled Water\n1kg - Ultraportable Laptop\n2kg - Light-Medium Laptop\n3kg - Heavy Laptop\n5kg - LCD Monitor\n15kg - CRT Monitor\n4kg - Cat [[Drawing of cat]]\n4.1kg - Cat (With Caption) [[Drawing of cat, going \"Mrowl?\", and holding a caption]]\n60kg - Lady\n70kg - Dude\n150kg - Shaq\n[[Stick figure of lady and dude beside previous 3 lines]]\n200kg - Your Mom\n220kg - Your Mom (incl. cheap jewelrey)\n223kg - Your Mom (also incl. Makeup)\n{{Alt-text: According to River, \u0027adequate\u0027 vacuuming systems drain the human body at about half a liter per second.}}", "alt": "According to River, \u0027adequate\u0027 vacuuming systems drain the human body at about half a liter per second.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/converting_to_metric.png", "title": "Converting to Metric", "day": "5" }, { "month": "1", "num": 527, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Keynote", "transcript": "[[Man with top hat talking to Man sitting at computer]]\nMan sitting at computer: Huh-Steve Jobs isn\u0027t doing a keynote this year, citing massive weight loss due to some hormonal problem.\nMan with top hat: Too bad. I bet Apple was excited about unveiling the thinnest and lightest CEO in the industry. \n{{title text: He should be better soon -- now that the Apple Store is getting rid of DRM, Cory Doctorow will get rid of his Steve Jobs voodoo doll.}}", "alt": "He should be better soon -- now that the Apple Store is getting rid of DRM, Cory Doctorow will get rid of his Steve Jobs voodoo doll.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/keynote.png", "title": "Keynote", "day": "7" }, { "month": "1", "num": 528, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Windows 7", "transcript": "[[A girl is standing behind a guy sitting at a desk using his laptop]]\nGirl: What are you doing?\nGuy: Trying the Windows 7 beta.\nGirl: Why is it showing a picture of Hitler?\n[[The laptop\u0027s screen is shown with Adolph Hitler\u0027s face on it]]\nGuy: I don\u0027t know. I can\u0027t get it to do anything else.\nGirl: There\u0027s no UI?\nGuy: No, just Hitler.\n[[Return to the original scene, except the girl is now scratching her head in confusion]]\nGirl: Did you try Ctrl-Alt-Delete?\nGuy: It just makes Hitler\u0027s eyes flash.\nGirl: Huh.\n[[Scene remains basically the same, except the girl is no longer scratching her head and the guy is no longer typing on the laptop]]\nGirl: Well, it\u0027s better than Vista.\nGuy: True.\n{{title text: Disclaimer: I have not actually tried the beta yet. I hear it\u0027s quite pleasant and hardly Hitler-y at all.}}", "alt": "Disclaimer: I have not actually tried the beta yet. I hear it\u0027s quite pleasant and hardly Hitler-y at all.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/windows_7.png", "title": "Windows 7", "day": "9" }, { "month": "1", "num": 529, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sledding Discussion", "transcript": "[[Girl looks out window through blinds]]\nGirl: It\u0027s snowing!\nBoy: [[from off-screen]] Sled time!\n[[Girl and boy outside with sled, at the top of a hill]]\nBoy: It depresses me that I\u0027m too old to learn another language fluently. My brain\u0027s solidified.\n[[Girl and boy sledding down the hill]]\nGirl: Is there one you wish you knew?\nBoy: No, I just hate having options closed to me. Like I\u0027ve given up a life that was once possible.\n[[At the bottom of the hill, sled has stopped]]\nGirl: Which reminds me -- our anniversary is coming up.\nGirl: Man, that ride failed to be a metaphor for our conversation.\nBoy: Guess this isn\u0027t the Calvin \u0026 Hobbes-model toboggan.\n{{title text: If you get your hands on that one, it\u0027s the worst place to have a breaking-up conversation.}}", "alt": "If you get your hands on that one, it\u0027s the worst place to have a breaking-up conversation.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sledding_discussion.png", "title": "Sledding Discussion", "day": "12" }, { "month": "1", "num": 530, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "I\u0027m An Idiot", "transcript": "[[Ponytailed stick figure approaches stick figure, who is sitting on porch steps, laptop in lap and backpack open]]\nPonytailed stick figure: Should I ask?\nStick figure: I\u0027m locked out, and I\u0027m trying to get my roommate to let me in.\n[[unplugged cell phone on table]]\nStick figure: First I tried her cell phone, but it\u0027s off.\n[[Stick figure sitting on steps, laptop in lap and gesturing]]\nStick figure: Then I tried IRC, but she\u0027s not online.\n[[Stick figure standing in front of house and looking up at window]]\nStick figure: I couldn\u0027t find anything to throw at her window,\n[[living room with couch\neasy chair and computer set up]]\nStick figure: so I SSH\u0027d into the Mac Mini in the living room and got the speech synth to yell at her for me.\nComputer: Hey I\u0027m locked out downstairs\n[[Roommate sitting at table with laptop open]]\nStick figure: But I think I left the volume way down, so I\u0027m reading the OS X docs to learn to set the volume via command line.\n[[Ponytailed stick figure facing stick figure, who is still sitting on the porch with his laptop.]]\nPonytailed stick figure: Ah.\nPonytailed stick figure: I take it the doorbell doesn\u0027t work?\n[[Ponytailed stick figure characters remain in place, Stick figure tilts head back slightly, as if staring in realization]]", "alt": "Sadly, this is a true story. At least I learned about the OS X \u0027say\u0027 command.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/im_an_idiot.png", "title": "I\u0027m An Idiot", "day": "14" }, { "month": "1", "num": 531, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Contingency Plan", "transcript": "[[A woman and a man holding a green bottle are standing beside a crib. Another green bottle is lying on the floor.]]\nWoman: More sugary drinks? Are you \ntrying\n to give her diabetes?\nMan: Yeah - then we keep her supplied with insulin unless things go wrong.\nNarration: I take the Jurassic Park approach to parenting.\n{{title text: Kids are genetic experiments. We\u0027re just experimenting responsibly!}}", "alt": "Kids are genetic experiments. We\u0027re just experimenting responsibly!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/contingency_plan.png", "title": "Contingency Plan", "day": "16" }, { "month": "1", "num": 532, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Piano", "transcript": "[[Man is holding a box with an open lid. A miniature piano is inside. The girl is looking at it]]\nMan: My hobby is making miniatures. Check this out-- it\u0027s a fully-functional grand piano.\nWoman: Woah - beautiful.\n[[Man looks at the miniature piano]]\nMan: Sadly, I\u0027ve never head what proper music sounds like on it-the keys are too small to play.\n[[Man closes lid to the piano.]]\nMan: I once asked a genie for someone who could play it for me, but I think he misheard.\nGirl: ... are you doing anything later?\n{{Alt-Text: Good thing he didn\u0027t make it smaller, or it\u0027d need someone three inches tall to play it.}}", "alt": "Good thing he didn\u0027t make it smaller, or it\u0027d need someone three inches tall to play it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/piano.png", "title": "Piano", "day": "19" }, { "month": "1", "num": 533, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Laptop Hell", "transcript": "Mephistopheles: Welcome to Hell. Here\u0027s-\nMephistopheles: Wait. I know you. \nMephistopheles: You\u0027re the Fujitsu exec who killed the Q-series. \nFujitsu Exec: ...Yes?\nMephistopheles: The Q2010 was the perfect laptop!\nMephistopheles: Powerful, durable, had every feature, and made the Air look \u003cu\u003ebulky\u003c\nu\u003e And that was back in 2006!\nFujitsu Exec: But noone bought it!\nMephistopheles: Then you marketed it wrong!\nFujitsu Exec: Wait. Don\u0027t you \u003ci\u003eencourage\u003c\ni\u003e evil acts down here? \nMephistopheles: In theory, yes, but we need laptops too!\nMephistopheles: Although it\u0027s moot, since we have an exclusive deal with Sony. \nFujitsu Exec: I \u003ci\u003eknew\u003c\ni\u003e it!\n{{Alt text: The xkcd.com sysadmin has a Q2010, and I can attest that it can handle a fall down several flights of concrete steps. Relatedly, he\u0027s upset with me - I hope he doesn\u0027t take revenge by messing with my site\u0027s contenDISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS}}", "alt": "The xkcd.com sysadmin has a Q2010, and I can attest that it can handle a fall down several flight of concrete steps. Relatedly, he\u0027s upset with me -- I hope he doesn\u0027t take revenge by messing with my site\u0027s contenDISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/laptop_hell.png", "title": "Laptop Hell", "day": "21" }, { "month": "1", "num": 534, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Genetic Algorithms", "transcript": "[[Code displayed, presumably from an IDE]]\ndef getSolutionCosts(navigationCode):\n fuelStopCost = 15\n extraComputationCost = 8\n[[There is a giant arrow pointing to the next line]]\n thisAlgorithmBecomingSkynetCost = 999999999\n waterCrossingCost = 45\nNarration: Genetic algorithms tip: *Always* include this in your fitness function.\n{{title text: Just make sure you don\u0027t have it maximize instead of minimize.}}", "alt": "Just make sure you don\u0027t have it maximize instead of minimize.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/genetic_algorithms.png", "title": "Genetic Algorithms", "day": "23" }, { "month": "1", "num": 535, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "It Might Be Cool", "transcript": "[[Man #1 is administering the presidential oath to Man #2]]\nMan #1: You know, it might be cool to be a woman.\nMan #2: It... might be cool to be a woman?\nMan #1: Yeah, but the menstruation thing is freaky.\nMan #2: Yeah, but... the, um. What?\nNarration: Turns out I\u0027m even worse at administering the presidential oath than John Roberts.\n{{title text: \u0027And ovaries. Man, ovaries, huh?\u0027 [awkward pause] \u0027... faithfully.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027And ovaries. Man, ovaries, huh?\u0027 [awkward pause] \u0027... faithfully.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/it_might_be_cool.png", "title": "It Might Be Cool", "day": "26" }, { "month": "1", "num": 536, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Space Elevators", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman sit beside a moonlit lake.]]\nMan: Arthur C. Clarke said space elevators will be build 50 years after everybody stops laughing.\n[[Closeup on the man.]]\nMan: So all we have to do is get Mind of Mencia on every channel and wait.\nWoman: Oh, hush.\n{{title text: If you think space elevators are good, but just too boring and practical, check out the \u0027space fountain\u0027.}}", "alt": "If you think space elevators are good, but just too boring and practical, check out the \u0027space fountain\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/space_elevators.png", "title": "Space Elevators", "day": "28" }, { "month": "1", "num": 537, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ducklings", "transcript": "(Ducklings follow mother duck in procession)\nChick: Ready?\nDude: Ready.\n(Dude and chick regard duck procession.)\n(Diagram of duck procession showing linear west-to-east motion)\nDude: (on right side of duck procession) Roar! Boo!\n(Mother duck is alarmed.)\n(Mother duck proceeds south, then west. Ducklings follow.)\n(Chick seizes mother duck, lifts upwards.)\nYoink!\nMother duck: Quack\n(First ducking begins to follow final duckling, such that ducklings form a loop, rotating clockwise.)\nOperation: Duckling Loop\n{{Alt text: DUCKLOOP\u0027D?}}", "alt": "DUCKLOOP\u0027D?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ducklings.png", "title": "Ducklings", "day": "30" }, { "month": "2", "num": 538, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Security", "transcript": "A Crypto nerd\u0027s imagination:\nGuy [[Holding Laptop]]: His laptop\u0027s encrypted. Let\u0027s build a million-dollar cluster to crack it.\nOther guy: No good! It\u0027s 4096-bit RSA!\nGuy: Blast! Our evil plan is foiled!\nWhat would actually happen:\nGuy [[Holding money tag and wrench]]: His laptop\u0027s encrypted. Drug him and hit him with this $5 wrench until he tells us the password.\nOther guy [[taking the wrench]]: Got it.\n{{Alt-Text: Actual Actual Reality: Nobody really cares about his secrets. (Also, I would be hard pressed to find that wrench for $5.)}}", "alt": "Actual actual reality: nobody cares about his secrets. (Also, I would be hard-pressed to find that wrench for $5.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/security.png", "title": "Security", "day": "2" }, { "month": "2", "num": 539, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Boyfriend", "transcript": "Girl (on the phone): Can my boyfriend come along?\nGuy: I\u0027m not your boyfriend!\nGirl: You totally are.\nGuy: I\u0027m casually dating a number of people.\nGirl (pointing to a chart): But you spend twice as much time with me as with anyone else. I\u0027m a clear outlier.\nGuy: Your math is irrefutable.\nGirl: Face it - I\u0027m your statistically significant other.\n{{title text: ... okay, but because you said that, we\u0027re breaking up.}}", "alt": "... okay, but because you said that, we\u0027re breaking up.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/boyfriend.png", "title": "Boyfriend", "day": "4" }, { "month": "2", "num": 540, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Base System", "transcript": "[[A man and woman are talking; she\u0027s sitting on the back of a chair with her feet on the seat, and he\u0027s sitting on the floor facing her.]]\nWoman: So how far did you get with her?\nMan: Second base?\n\nWoman: Wait, which one is that? Below the waist, but... not under the clothes?\nMan: I think that\u0027s... shortstop?\n\nWoman: You should try crossing the pitcher\u0027s mound. Then down the 50-yard line, and right past her ten-pin.\nMan: Sounds tricky.\n\nWoman: Yeah. Last time I tried it, I got a red flag. If you know what I mean.\nMan: I really don\u0027t.\n\n[[A diagram of a baseball diamond.]]\nThe \"Base\" Metaphor Explained\n[[Bases and x points are marked, as well as dashed lines covering the field.]]\n[[Along the first base line is \"Your Base\"]]\n[[Slightly right of that is a binary base:\n0110 0010 0110 0001\n0111 0011 0110 0101\n0010 0000 0011 0010]\n[[First base: Kissing]]\n[[Second base: Hands under the shirt and\nor licking]]\n[[Third base: Oral sex (formerly \"hands in the pants\")]]\n((The following are x marks.\nSlightly right of home plate: Eye contact.\nAlong the first base line: Passing notes.\nSlightly before first base: Downloading Star Trek fanfiction and replacing Riker\u0027s name with your Crush\u0027s.\nRight field: Eye contact from Janeane Garofalo.\nBetween the pitcher and second base: Using the scroll thingy on that one Apple mouse.\nNear the shortstop: Dry humping.\nLeft of second base: Fursuits.\nFarther left: Fursuits (crotchless).\nJust before home plate: Thigh contact.\nBeyond 3rd base, along the 3rd base line: Standing anywhere near Peaches.\nFoul of the third base line: Anal sex (fill in your won \"Foul Ball\" pun here.)\nLeft outfield: 2outfielders1glove.\nLeft outfield: Retrograde wheelbarrow.))\n((The following are dashed lines:\nA region along the line from first to second base: The Boring Zone.\nA line traveling across the second to third baseline, and towards home plate: The orgasm line. ((dry humping is on the \"orgasm\" side.))\nBetween third base and home: \"Virginity\" (Maginot) line.))\n((Arrows pointing out various other features:\nAn arrow crossing the \"Virginity\" line: Teens.\nAn arrow nearer to home plate: Sharing root PWs.\nAn arrow crossing the orgasm line in the outfield: Napoleon\u0027s forces.))\n\n{{Title text: I once got to second base with a basketball player. She was so confused.}}", "alt": "I once got to second base with a basketball player. She was so confused.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/base_system.png", "title": "Base System", "day": "6" }, { "month": "2", "num": 541, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "TED Talk", "transcript": "[[Randall Monroe on stage]]\nRandall - Hi. I\u0027m Randall. Welcome to my TED talk.\nRandall - it\u0027s an honor to speak to you, some of the brightest innovators from so many fields, about a problem in desperate need of your attention:\nRandall - How DO you end parenthetical statements with emoticons? I can\u0027t figure out a good way.\n[[Screen next to him shows two statements, both crossed out in red]]\nScreen - \"Linux (or BSD :) would...\"\n (in red) \"looks mismatched\"\n\"Linux (or BSD :)) would...\"\n (in red) \"looks mismatched and weird\"\n[[Randall writing on a desk]]\nRandall\u0027s List - Conferences I\u0027m banned from:\nSiggraph \n Eurocrypt \n Defcon \n Pycon \n International Astronomical Union\n Canadian Paleontology Conference \n Every American Furry Convention \n American Baking Society \n Asian Dolphin-Training Conference \n TED\n{{Alt-text: The IAU ban came after the \u0027redefinition of the \u0027planet\u0027 to include the IAU president\u0027s mom\u0027 incident.}}", "alt": "The IAU ban came after the \u0027redefinition of \u0027planet\u0027 to include the IAU president\u0027s mom\u0027 incident.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ted_talk.png", "title": "TED Talk", "day": "9" }, { "month": "2", "num": 542, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cover-Up", "transcript": "[[Hat Guy is holding blood stained rags while woman is holding an equally bloody mop]]\nHat Guy: Okay, got the blood off the walls. \nWoman: I finished the floor\nHat Guy: Good; he\u0027ll be home any- Oh crap! We forgot to clean the ceiling!\nWoman: There\u0027s no time!\nHat Guy: Wait, I\u0027ll handle it.\n[[Man with briefcase enters the house]]\nHat Guy: Hi. Did you know \"gullible\" is written on your ceiling?\nMan: Hah. Yeah, right.\n{{title text: Man, this trick has saved me so many times.}}", "alt": "Man, this trick has saved me so many times.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cover_up.png", "title": "Cover-Up", "day": "11" }, { "month": "2", "num": 543, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sierpinski Valentine", "transcript": "[[shows an adaptation of the sierpinski triangle fractal, using hearts instead of triangles]]\ncenter: Happy valentine\u0027s day\nbottom right: -xkcd\n{{Title text: Especially you mouseover -text readers. You\u0027re the best. \u003c3}}", "alt": "Especially you mouseover-text readers. You\u0027re the best. \u003c3", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sierpinski_valentine.png", "title": "Sierpinski Valentine", "day": "13" }, { "month": "2", "num": 544, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pep Talk", "transcript": "Coach : OK TEAM. WE\u0027RE SIXTEEN POINTS DOWN. IF WE WANT TO COME BACK FROM THIS\nCrowd : WOO!! SCORE!!!\nCoach : OKAY, NOW WE\u0027RE EIGHTEEN POINTS DOWN...LISTEN - I\u0027M STARTING TO THINK WE SHOULD ONLY TAKE THESE BREAKS AT HALFTIME.\n{{title text: Listen! They said a team of chess players coached by someone with no understanding of basketball would never be competitive in the NBA! Well, it turns out they\u0027re pretty perceptive.}}", "alt": "Listen! They said a team of chess players coached by someone with no understanding of basketball would never be competitive in the NBA! Well, it turns out they\u0027re pretty perceptive.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pep_talk.png", "title": "Pep Talk", "day": "16" }, { "month": "2", "num": 545, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Neutrality Schmeutrality", "transcript": "Trivia: It\u0027s possible to create events which Wikipedia cannot cover neutrally\nMan in Hat: In a week, I will be donating $1,000,000 to a recipient determined by the word count of the Wikipedia article about this event. If it\u0027s even, the money goes to pro-choice activists. If it\u0027s odd, pro-life.\n{{title text: \u0027Hey, everyone, you can totally trust that I didn\u0027t do a word count on MY edit!\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Hey, everyone, you can totally trust that I didn\u0027t do a word count on MY edit!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/neutrality_shmeutrality.png", "title": "Neutrality Schmeutrality", "day": "18" }, { "month": "2", "num": 546, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Music DRM", "transcript": "[[Interior, a man sits at his computer typing, woman enters]]\nMan [typing]: ...and that\u0027s why music DRM is bad for listeners and artists!\nWoman[off-panel]: What are you doing?\nWoman: In case you didn\u0027t notice, we won the music DRM war. The big stores are DRM free.\nWoman: So close the comment thread, get out the debit card, buy us some music, and let\u0027s rock the fuck out.\nMan: But I don\u0027t actually like music, I just like being self-righteous on the web.\nWoman: Lucky for you, that will always be free.\n{{title text: Just yesterday I bought my first non-DRM\u0027ed songs (The Last Vegas, in keeping with my \u0027I only listen to things from Guitar Hero\u0027 theme).", "alt": "Just yesterday I bought my first non-DRM\u0027d songs (The Last Vegas, in keeping with my \u0027I only listen to things from Guitar Hero\u0027 theme).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/music_drm.png", "title": "Music DRM", "day": "20" }, { "month": "2", "num": 547, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Simple", "transcript": "[[A man points to a diagram of a particle accelerator]]\nMan 1: Do you have any thoughts regarding the particle accelerator\u0027s tertiary F.E.L. Guidance System?\nMan 2: We can\u0027t put the broken part in the machine. It wouldn\u0027t smash the right tiny things together. Then the machine might break. That would be very bad.\n[[Text at the bottom reads \"I spent all night reading simple.wikipedia.org, and now I can\u0027t stop talking like this.]]\n{{Title text: Actually, I think if all higher math professors had to write for the Simple English Wikipedia for a year, we\u0027d be much better shape academically.}}", "alt": "Actually, I think if all higher math professors had to write for the Simple English Wikipedia for a year, we\u0027d be in much better shape academically.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/simple.png", "title": "Simple", "day": "23" }, { "month": "2", "num": 548, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kindle", "transcript": "[[A guy is looking at a kindle]]\nGirl: A Kindle? E Books, huh?\nGuy: Ebooks are for chumps.\nGirl: Why get a kindle, then?\nGuy: One reason:\nFREE Cellular web access. Even if I spend months broke and drunk in a strange city, I\u0027ll still be able to use wikipedia and wikitravel to learn about anything I need.\nGirl: Why does that sound familiar? Gimme that. [[Girls takes the kindle]]\n[[The top of the kindle says \"Amazon Kindle\"]]\n[[Girl scratches at the top]] \u003c\u003cscrape, scrape, scrape\u003e\u003e\nTop of \"kindle\": Hitchhiker\u0027s Guid...\n{{Alt-text: I\u0027m happy with my Kindle 2 so far, but if they cut off the free Wikipedia browsing, I plan to show up drunk on Jeff Bezos\u0027s lawn and refuse to leave.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m happy with my Kindle 2 so far, but if they cut off the free Wikipedia browsing, I plan to show up drunk on Jeff Bezos\u0027s lawn and refuse to leave.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kindle.png", "title": "Kindle", "day": "25" }, { "month": "2", "num": 549, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Westley\u0027s a Dick", "transcript": "Buttercup: Oh, my sweet Westley!\nButtercup: Why did you let me think you were dead?\nWestley: You shacked up with the prince!\nButtercup: After years of mourning! The worst pain of my life!\nButtercup: And now you ... kill people?\nWestley: I\u0027d hardly be a dread pirate if I didn\u0027t.\nButtercup: How lovable.\nWestley: It was for the sake of the narrative!\nButtercup: Fuck the narrative. I\u0027m going to go see if that Spaniard\u0027s single.\nWestley: ... As you wish.\n{{Alt text: Inigo\nButtercup 4eva \u003c3}}", "alt": "Inigo/Buttercup 4eva \u003c3", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/westleys_a_dick.png", "title": "Westley\u0027s a Dick", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 550, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Density", "transcript": "[[Guy is in a bed with a girl]]\nGuy: Sup dawg, I herd you didn\u0027t liek forming babby, but I accidentally in your base.\n[[Out of the panel text]]\nCons: Ruined life.\nPros: Sentence set the new meme destiny record.\n{{Alt-Text: If only I had asked 4chan for ideas for what I should do to prevent this!}}", "alt": "If only I had asked 4chan for ideas for what I should do to prevent this!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/density.png", "title": "Density", "day": "2" }, { "month": "3", "num": 551, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Etch-a-Sketch", "transcript": "[[A male xkcd figure is playing with an etch-a-sketch]]\nMale: Hey. If draw enough lines, I can see what\u0027s behind the screen.\nMale: Oh man, almost...\nEtch-a-Sketch: Hi!\n[[Head of a female xkcd figure appears behind etch-a-sketch]]\nFemale: You\u0027re cute!\nMale: Wha-\nFemale: I\u0027m the one who draws when you turn the knobs.\nFemale: It\u0027s lonely in here.\nMale: It\u0027s lonely out here too.\nFemale: I\u0027m glad you found me, then!\nFemale: Let\u0027s be friends.\nFemale: And never be lonely again.\n[[Panels break apart into thought bubbles coming from male as he sits with his etch-a-sketch]]\nMale: *sigh*\n[[Etch-a-sketch shows what is behind the glass; it is just the mechanics of the machine]]\n[[Male shakes etch-a-sketch]]\n{{title text: Surrounded by boring mysteries.}}", "alt": "Surrounded by boring mysteries.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/etch-a-sketch.png", "title": "Etch-a-Sketch", "day": "4" }, { "month": "3", "num": 552, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Correlation", "transcript": "[[A man is talking to a woman]]\nMan: I used to think correlation implied causation.\nMan: Then I took a statistics class. Now I don\u0027t.\nWoman: Sounds like the class helped.\nMan: Well, maybe.\n{{Title text: Correlation doesn\u0027t imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing \u0027look over there\u0027.}}", "alt": "Correlation doesn\u0027t imply causation, but it does waggle its eyebrows suggestively and gesture furtively while mouthing \u0027look over there\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/correlation.png", "title": "Correlation", "day": "6" }, { "month": "3", "num": 553, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pirate Bay", "transcript": "[[Awaiting the judges\u0027 ruling at the Pirate Bay trial]]\nCharacter 1: I wish this were in America.\nCharacter 2: Why?\nCharacter 1: I hear we\u0027d go before a jury of our peers, and I\u0027ve always seeded generously\n{{Alt Text: We find you guilty of closing your torrents as soon as they finish. Your sentence is unremovable Hungarian subtitles on everything.}}", "alt": "We find you guilty of closing your torrents as soon as they finish. Your sentence is unremovable Hungarian subtitles on everything.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pirate_bay.png", "title": "Pirate Bay", "day": "9" }, { "month": "3", "num": 554, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Not Enough Work", "transcript": "Narration: Signs your coders don\u0027t have enough work to do:\n[[A man sitting at his workstation; a female co-worker behind him]]\nMan: I\u0027m almost up to my old typing speed in dvorak\n[[Two men standing by a server rack]]\nMan #1: Our servers now support gopher.\nMan #1: Just in case.\n[[A woman standing near her workstation speaking to a male co-worker]]\nWoman: Our pages are now HTML, XHTML-STRICT, and haiku-compliant\nMan: Haiku?\nWoman: \u003cdiv class=\"main\"\u003e\nWoman: \u003cspan id=\"marquee\"\u003e\nWoman: Blog!\u003c\nspan\u003e\u003c\ndiv\u003e\n[[A woman sitting at her workstation]]\nWoman: Hey! Have you guys seen this webcomic?\n{{title text: It\u0027s even harder if you\u0027re an asshole who pronounces \u003c\u003e brackets.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s even harder if you\u0027re an asshole who pronounces \u003c\u003e brackets.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/not_enough_work.png", "title": "Not Enough Work", "day": "11" }, { "month": "3", "num": 555, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Two Mirrors", "transcript": "[[A girl sets up a full mirror adjacent to a bathroom-counter mirror]]\n[[The girl looks through the bathroom-counter mirror to see the infinite reflections]]\nGirl: Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary.\n\u003c\u003cRAAGHHHHH\u003e\u003e\n[[Girl ducks as the infinite Bloody Marys pop out between the two mirrors above her head]]\n{{Alt-Text: If you actually do this, what really happens is Douglas Hofstadter appears and talks to you for eight hours about strange loops.}}", "alt": "If you actually do this, what really happens is Douglas Hofstadter appears and talks to you for eight hours about strange loops.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/two_mirrors.png", "title": "Two Mirrors", "day": "13" }, { "month": "3", "num": 556, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Alternative Energy Revolution", "transcript": "[[A field of windmills is silhouetted against dusk sky.]]\n[[Man and woman are standing and sitting on the ground overlooking the windmills.]]\nMan: I\u0027m all for green energy, but those turbines creep me out. They remind me of War of the Worlds, or the Tripod books.\nWoman: They -are- unnerving.\nMan: I can\u0027t shake the feeling that at any moment they\u0027ll--\n\u003c\u003cRUMBLE\u003e\u003e\n[[A leg begins to split off one windmill.]]\n\u003c\u003ccrack\u003e\u003e\n[[The leg separates from the body of the windmill.]]\n[[The new leg lands on the ground.]]\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\n[[Another leg begins to split off the other side of the windmill\u0027s body.]]\n\u003c\u003ccrack\u003e\u003e\n[[The new leg hits the ground, forming a tripod base.]]\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\n[[Smoke rises from destroyed buildings as the windmills rampage across the field.]]\n[[Man and woman are now standing.]]\nWoman: Oh no.\nMan: Al Gore, you\u0027ve doomed us all.\nWoman: It\u0027s coming this way!\nMan: Run!\n[[One of the enormous tripod windmill feet lands right behind the running couple, sending debris flying.]]\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\n[[Man and woman run.]]\nWoman: What now?\nMan: Someone has to stop them.\nWoman: But who could--\nVoice from next panel: Stand aside!\n[[Don Quixote sits mounted at the top of a hill, lance at the ready.]]\n{{title text: The moment their arms spun freely in our air, they were doomed -- for Man has earned his right to hold this planet against all comers, by virtue of occasionally producing someone totally batshit insane.}}", "alt": "The moment their arms spun freely in our air, they were doomed -- for Man has earned his right to hold this planet against all comers, by virtue of occasionally producing someone totally batshit insane.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/alternative_energy_revolution.jpg", "title": "Alternative Energy Revolution", "day": "16" }, { "month": "3", "num": 557, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Students", "transcript": "[[A teacher speaks in a crowded classroom, one of the students seems confused.]]\nTeacher: Your projects are due today by 5:00 PM.\nStudent: ((...I didn\u0027t even know we had one.))\nStudent: ((Wait. I don\u0027t think I\u0027ve been attending. I must have forgotten I had this class. Shitshitshit.))\nStudent: ((Okay, I\u0027m gonna fail. Will it hold me back? I just want to get out of here. I thought I had \u003ci\u003efinished\u003c\ni\u003e my requirements already.))\nStudent: ((In fact, I think I remember graduating.))\nStudent: ((What the hell is--))\n[[Scene fades to the \u0027student\u0027 waking up.]]\nFun Fact: Decades from now, with school a distant memory, you\u0027ll \u003cu\u003estill\u003c\nu\u003e be having this dream.\n{{Mouseover: The same goes for the one where you\u0027re wrestling the Green Ranger in the swimming pool full of Crisco. You guys all have that dream, right? It\u0027s not just me. Right?}}", "alt": "The same goes for the one where you\u0027re wrestling the Green Ranger in the swimming pool full of Crisco. You guys all have that dream, right? It\u0027s not just me. Right?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/students.png", "title": "Students", "day": "18" }, { "month": "3", "num": 558, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "1000 Times", "transcript": "Dishonest:\n[[woman sitting behind desk]] sign: bailout: $170 billion; bonuses: $165 million\nHonest:\n[[woman sitting behind desk]] sign: bailout: $170,000 million; bonuses: $165 million\nDear news organizations: stop giving large numbers without context or proper comparison. The difference between a million and a billion is the difference between a sip of wine and 30 seconds with your daughter, and a bottle of gin and a night with her.\n{{Alt-text: And 0.002 dollars will NEVER equal 0.002 cents.}}", "alt": "And 0.002 dollars will NEVER equal 0.002 cents.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1000_times.png", "title": "1000 Times", "day": "20" }, { "month": "3", "num": 559, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "No Pun Intended", "transcript": "My Hobby: Appending \"no pun intended\" to lines with no pun in them.\n[[Random guy is talking to a guy with a beret]]\nRandom guy: I think he\u0027s internalized his girlfriend\u0027s attitudes - no pun intended - and so...\n{{Three hours later:}}\n[[Beret guy is thinking]]\nBeret guy: \"Internalized?\" Lied? Analyzed? Or is it \"attitudes\"? Dammit.\n{{alt: Like spelling \u0027dammit\u0027 correctly -- with two m\u0027s -- it\u0027s a troll that works best on the most literate.}}", "alt": "Like spelling \u0027dammit\u0027 correctly -- with two m\u0027s -- it\u0027s a troll that works best on the most literate.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/no_pun_intended.png", "title": "No Pun Intended", "day": "23" }, { "month": "3", "num": 560, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lithium Batteries", "transcript": "Timeline of Commercial Uses of Lithium Batteries:\n[[The panel has a timeline that goes from Past to Present. The timeline has 4 notches on it]]\nPast\n[[the first notch, closest to the past side, has a picture of an old man with a walking stick]]\nPacemakers\n[[The second notch has an image of a man in a car, who is talking on his cell phone]]\nPhones for Rich Business People\n[[The third notch, has a teen taking on his cellphone]]\nPhones for Teenagers\n[[The forth notch, closest to the present on the timeline, hac an image of a toy plane box with $10 written on it]]\nReally cheap r\nc planes and helicopters\nPresent\n[[Below the main panel]]\nLife would be so much better if I was one of those people who aged backward. \n{{Title text: I\u0027m normally a pretty frugal person, but I still compulsively buy any R\nC aircraft that\u0027s less than $30. In the last few years, this has become a problem.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m normally a pretty frugal person, but I still compulsively buy any R/C aircraft that\u0027s less than $30. In the last few years, this has become a problem.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lithium_batteries.png", "title": "Lithium Batteries", "day": "25" }, { "month": "3", "num": 561, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Well", "transcript": "[[A sign sits by a well]] Sign: The Uncomfortable Truths Well\n[[A guy and a girl are lined up for the well; the guy throws a coin in]] Well: For a universe that\u0027s supposed to be half Chinese, Firefly sure doesn\u0027t have any Asians.\n[[The guy is gone, a couple arrives behind the girl from the previous pane; the girl throws a coin in]] Well: There\u0027s no solid evidence DVORAK\u0027s better than QWERTY. The standard histories are urban legends.\n[[Just the couple remain; the boyfriend throws another coin in]] Well: You\u0027ve never said \"I love you\" and meant it. It was always just words.\n[[The girlfriend now throws in a coin]] Well: You meant it every time.\n{{title text: I\u0027ll concede ergonomics anecdotally, but none of the studies of Dvorak were at all rigorous (the most-cited Navy study was overseen by Dvorak himself), and QWERTY had a lot of fair competition. And the \u0027slow typists down\u0027 thing is basically a myth. Also EMACS RULES WOOOOOOO!}}", "alt": "I\u0027ll concede ergonomics anecdotally, but none of the studies of Dvorak were at all rigorous (the most-cited Navy study was overseen by Dvorak himself). And the \u0027slow typists down\u0027 thing is a myth. Also EMACS RULES VI DROOLS WOOOOOOO!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/well.png", "title": "Well", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 562, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Parking", "transcript": "[[Hat guy is in a car driving around a parking lot]]\n[[Hat guy\u0027s car pulls up next to a red car, that\u0027s parked over a line at an angle that block two spaces]]\n[[Hat guy gets out of his car]]\n\u003c\u003cSLAM\u003e\u003e\n[[Hat guy is now holding a flamethrower and a rotary saw, He\u0027s also wearing goggles and fuel tanks on his back. The flamethrower is lit]]\n\u003c\u003cFwoosh\u003e\u003e\n[[The badly parked car has been cut in half along a diagonal, and the half of the car that was in the second slot has been moved into the same slot as the rest of the car. Hat guy\u0027s car occupies the newly freed space.]]\n{{Alt Text: Police reported three dozen cheerful bystanders, yet no one claims to have seen who did it.}}", "alt": "Police reported three dozen cheerful bystanders, yet no one claims to have seen who did it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/parking.png", "title": "Parking", "day": "30" }, { "month": "4", "num": 563, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "There are xkcd prints available in the \u003ca href=\"https://store.xkcd.com/\"\u003estore\u003c/a\u003e.\u003cbr /\u003e\u003ca href=\"https://www.google.com/search?hl=en\u0026q=sqrt(2%2F(pi*18000%2F(mi^2)*80%2Fyear*30+minutes)\"\u003eExample Google sex calculation\u003c/a\u003e.", "safe_title": "Fermirotica", "transcript": "Pd Regional Population Density (e.g. 18,600\nmi^2)\nXf Average Person\u0027s Frequency of Sex (e.g. 80\nYear)\nXd Average Duration of Se (e.g. 30 Minutes)\nr=sqrt(2\npi*Pd*Xr*Xd)\nOn average, someone within distance r of you is having sex\n[[Man standing at easel]]\nMan: Mmm, That probable couple 150 meters away is so hot. Oh yeah, theoretically work it, baby.\nFrom out of frame: Hey! No statistical voyeurism!\n{{Alt Text: I love how google handles dimensional analysis. Stats are ballpark and vary wildly based on time of day and whether your mom is in town.}}", "alt": "I love how Google handles dimensional analysis. Stats are ballpark and vary wildly by time of day and whether your mom is in town.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fermirotica.png", "title": "Fermirotica", "day": "1" }, { "month": "4", "num": 564, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Crossbows", "transcript": "[[Man 1 is pulling a crossbow out of a desk]]\nMan 1: Why do you have a crossbow in your desk?\nWoman (off-screen): You _don\u0027t_?\n[[Woman is on panel]]\nMan 1 (off-screen): No -- why would...\nWoman: You _are_ studying the consequences of Higgs excitation, aren\u0027t you? Like the rest of the lab?\n[[Two men, both holding crossbows, joing the woman on panel]]\nMan 1: Yes, but why--\nMan 2: Maybe he\u0027s slow with the math.\nWoman: Well, he has until Tuesday.\nMan 2: Poor guy.\n{{Alt-Text: I hate being the slowest guy in the lab}}", "alt": "I hate being the slowest guy in the lab.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/crossbows.png", "title": "Crossbows", "day": "3" }, { "month": "4", "num": 565, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Security Question", "transcript": "[[A male stick figure sits at a computer.]]\nComputer Screen: \"-Email Account Setup- To verify your identity, we need to ask you a question nobody else could answer.\"\nComputer Screen: \"Q: Where are the bodies buried? A:\"\n{{A text field is shown with \"Behind the\" typed.}}\n[[Three stick figures, two wearing police hats and one wearing headphones, watch another computer.]]\n{{The same text field is shown with \"Behind the ... nice try.\" typed.}}\nFigure in Headphones: Damn.\n{{Title Text: \"Let\u0027s invite him to a party and play \u0027I never\u0027. Okay, I never hid any bodies SOUTH of Main Street. ... he\u0027s taking a drink!\"}}", "alt": "Let\u0027s invite him to a party and play \u0027I never\u0027. Okay, I never hid any bodies SOUTH of Main Street. ... he\u0027s taking a drink!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/security_question.png", "title": "Security Question", "day": "6" }, { "month": "4", "num": 566, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Matrix Revisited", "transcript": "Narrator: Today was the ten-year anniversary of the release of \u0027The Matrix\u0027. I sat down to watch it again.\nWoman: Holy Fuck, ten years ago?\n{{Replay of various scenes from The Matrix..}}\n[[Scene 1]]\nMorpheus: Unfortunately, no one can explain what the matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.\nTrinity (correcting Morpheus): Sure you can. It\u0027s a computer simulation in which you live, thinking it\u0027s reality.\nNeo: Oh.\nTrinity (to Morpheus, who is glaring at her): ... What? Look, maybe you just suck at explaining.\n[[Scene 2]]\nMorpheus (to Neo): ...Or you take the red pill, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.\n[[Neo takes BOTH pills from Morpheus...]]\n[[Neo crushes both the red and blue pills into purple powder on a table top...]]\n[[Neo snorts the purple powder...]]\n[[Morpheus and Neo are shown upside down in a frame with inverted colors, i.e., black background with white lines]]\nMorpheus: NOW look what you\u0027ve done.\nNeo: Where are we?\nMorpheus: I have no idea.\n[[Scene 3]]\n[[Neo, wearing the long black trench coat, at a metal detector, is accosted by the security guard.]]\nGuard: Please remove any keys, metallic items, weapons--\n[[Neo opens his trench coat, his back to the reader, towards the guard, who is facing the reader. The reader can\u0027t see what Neo has under his coat.]]\n[[Same scene as above, but side view: Neo, on the left, is opening his coat toward the guard, who is on the right. Nobody speaks.]]\n[[Side view again.]]\nGuard: Eww.\n{{End of scene replays}}\n[[View of room, where three characters have obviously just finished watching The Matrix. Man1 is sitting on the floor nearest to the TV. Woman is sitting on the floor, farther from the TV. Man2 is sitting on a chair, farthest from the TV.]]\nMan1: I forgot how good that movie was.\nMan2: Wanna put on the other two?\n[[Man1 has turned to face Woman. They exchange looks without speaking.]]\n[[View of room, which is now empty, as is the chair.]]\n\u003c\u003cSounds from off panel: Crash \n Wham \n Someone saying \"Ow! Ow!\"\u003e\u003e\n[[Man1 and Woman are back in the room, but the chair is still empty. Man2 is nowhere to be seen.]]\nMan1: I forgot how good that movie was.\nWoman: Too bad they never made any sequels.\nMan1: True.", "alt": "I actually remember being entertained by both the sequels while in the theater. They just don\u0027t hold up nearly as well in later comparison.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/matrix_revisited.png", "title": "Matrix Revisited", "day": "8" }, { "month": "4", "num": 567, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Urgent Mission", "transcript": "[[Guy steps out of rift. Benjamin Franklin is sitting at his desk with quill and parchment.]]\nGuy: Benjamin Franklin?\nFranklin: Yes?\nGuy: I bring a message from the future! I don\u0027t have much time.\nFranklin: What is it?\nGuy: The convention you\u0027re setting for electric charge is backward. The one left on glass by silk should be the negative charge.\n{{Caption: We were going to use the time machine to prevent the robot apocalypse, but the guy who built it was an electrical engineer.}}\n{{Mouseover: Sure, we could stop dictators and pandemics, but we could also make the signs on every damn diagram make sense.}}", "alt": "Sure, we could stop dictators and pandemics, but we could also make the signs on every damn diagram make sense.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/urgent_mission.png", "title": "Urgent Mission", "day": "10" }, { "month": "4", "num": 568, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Well 2", "transcript": "[[People are lined up by a well. A sign says \"The Uncomfortable Truths Well.\" The first person in line drops in a coin.]]\nWell: Science may discover immortality, but it won\u0027t happen in the next eighty years.\n\n[[The next person drops in a coin.]]\nWell: You\u0027ll never find a programing language that frees you from the burden of clarifying your ideas.\nProgrammer: But I know what I mean!\n\n[[The next person drops in a coin.]]\nWell: You avoid your friend Mike because you\u0027re uncomfortably attracted to him.\n\nPerson: Nice try, Mike.\nPerson: Get out of the well.\nWell\nMike: Aww.\n\n{{Title text: But I\u0027ve made $13.72 already today! Ow, stop throwing pennies.}}", "alt": "But I\u0027ve made $13.72 already today! Ow, stop throwing pennies.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/well_2.png", "title": "Well 2", "day": "13" }, { "month": "4", "num": 569, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Borders", "transcript": "[[Two stick figures stand on a hill overlooking a great city. Between them and the city stands an embassy flying a red flag.]]\nTHREE YEARS AGO, THE KINGDOM OF LIATE OVERTHREW THEIR OLD ORDER AND ESTABLISHED A CONSTITUTIONAL MONARCHY. OUR LEADERS SIGNED A TREATY WITH THEIR QUEEN, AND OUR BORDERS WERE SET BY THE YABRIS ACCORDS.\nMANY SAID WAR WOULD BE UNENDING, THAT PEACE WOULD ALWAYS BE A DREAM DEFERRED. BUT TODAY, OUR FLAG FLIES PROUDLY OVER OUR EMBASSY IN THEIR KINGDOM, AND THEY WALK OUR LANDS WITHOUT FEAR.\nSO COME, TRAVELER. LAY DOWN YOUR GRUDGES AND JOIN US IN BROTHERHOOD. IT IS TIME NOT TO FIGHT, BUT TO LIVE.\n[[Stick figure sitting at computer]]\nTHIS IS THE WORST CAPTURE-THE-FLAG SERVER EVER.\n{{title text: Eventually a UN is set up. And then a lone rebel runs down the line of flags in front of it, runs back to his base, and gets a kajillion points.}}", "alt": "Eventually a UN is set up. And then a lone rebel runs down the line of flags in front of it, runs back to his base, and gets a kajillion points.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/borders.png", "title": "Borders", "day": "15" }, { "month": "4", "num": 570, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "New Car", "transcript": "Person 1: When\u0027d you get the car?\nPerson 2: It\u0027s the darndest thing. We bought it as a prize for the 100,000,000th visitor to our website.\nPerson 1: And they didn\u0027t want it?\nPerson 2: Apparently.\nPerson 1: Maybe they didn\u0027t see the notice.\nPerson 2: It was flashing and everything!\nPerson 1: How bizarre.\n{{title text: Somewhere out there is a company that has actually figured out how to enlarge penises, and it\u0027s helpless to reach potential customers.}}", "alt": "Somewhere out there is a company that has actually figured out how to enlarge penises, and it\u0027s helpless to reach potential customers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/new_car.png", "title": "New Car", "day": "17" }, { "month": "4", "num": 571, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Can\u0027t Sleep", "transcript": "[[Someone is in bed, presumably trying to sleep. The top of each panel is a thought bubble showing sheep leaping over a fence.]]\n1 ... 2 ...\n\u003c\u003cbaaa\u003e\u003e\n[[Two sheep are jumping from left to right.]]\n\n... 1,306 ... 1,307 ...\n\u003c\u003cbaaa\u003e\u003e\n[[Two sheep are jumping from left to right. The would-be sleeper is holding his pillow.]]\n\n... 32,767 ... -32,768 ...\n\u003c\u003cbaaa\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cbaaa\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cbaaa\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cbaaa\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cbaaa\u003e\u003e\n[[A whole flock of sheep is jumping over the fence from right to left. The would-be sleeper is sitting up.]]\nSleeper: ?\n\n... -32,767 ... -32,766 ...\n\u003c\u003cbaaa\u003e\u003e\n[[Two sheep are jumping from left to right. The would-be sleeper is holding his pillow over his head.]]\n\n{{Title text: If androids someday DO dream of electric sheep, don\u0027t forget to declare sheepCount as a long int.}}", "alt": "If androids someday DO dream of electric sheep, don\u0027t forget to declare sheepCount as a long int.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cant_sleep.png", "title": "Can\u0027t Sleep", "day": "20" }, { "month": "4", "num": 572, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Together", "transcript": "[[A male and female are running in a field, holding hands. Another male and female stand in the background, next to a table.]]\n[[The man and woman are in a boat on a lake, very romantic. The man is speaking to the woman, illustrated with a heart.]]\n[[The man and woman sit together on a bench on a beach, watching the sunset.]]\n[[The man and woman stand at an altar. They have married.]]\n[[The man and woman, having grown old together, sit together on their doorstep, holding hands.]]\n[[The man begins walking away with his cane.]]\nWoman: Dear? Where are you--Come back!\n[[The man approaches the other couple from the first panel, who are now just as old.]]\n[[The man picks up a piece of paper from the table in the first panel and begins to write.]]\nMan: Okay,\n[[The paper is shown: a scavenger hunt list. \"Happiness\" has just been checked off.]]\nMan: What\u0027s next?\n[[Full list:\nSCAVENGER HUNT:\n[X] Indian-head penny\n[X] Snake skin\n[X] Happiness\n[ ] Four-leaf clover\n[ ] Shark tooth\n[...]\n]]\n{{Alt text: This scavenger hunt is getting boring. Let\u0027s go work on the treehouse!}}", "alt": "This scavenger hunt is getting boring. Let\u0027s go work on the treehouse!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/together.png", "title": "Together", "day": "22" }, { "month": "4", "num": 573, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Parental Trolling", "transcript": "The Future\n[[Man is sitting at a futuristic desktop computer, and a girl is standing behind him with a portable ultra-thin screen]]\nGirl: Hey dad, look at this old music video.\nVideo: We\u0027re no strangers to love...\nDad: Wow, you got me.\nGirl: Did your generation really use this to troll people? SO lame. Your generation sucked at pranks.\nDad: Did we? I once raised a kid with conditioning so her speech centers shut down when she was upset.\nGirl: What? No, you couldn\u0027t have bleegle warble yargle arggh!\nDad: Teehee!\n{{title-text: They\u0027ll pick music and culture that they know annoys you. Building in behavioral easter eggs is a fair retaliation!}}", "alt": "They\u0027ll pick music and culture that they know annoys you. Building in behavioral easter eggs is a fair retaliation!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/parental_trolling.png", "title": "Parental Trolling", "day": "24" }, { "month": "4", "num": 574, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Swine Flu", "transcript": "Twitter is great for watching uninformed panics unfold live.\n[[Twitter search results page with \"Swine flu\" in the search box]]\nRealtime results for Swine flu\n1,918 more results since you started searching. Refresh to see.\n{{All tweets are \"Less than 10 seconds ago from web\"}}\nSKEEVE37: Oh God I ate pork yesterday before I knew about swine flu!\nHANNELOREEC: Without duct tape I can\u0027t seal the door to keep out swine flu but I can\u0027t get duct tape without going outside! Help!\nPAULYSHOREFAN: How long until the swine flu reaches me here in Madagascar?\nCRACKMONKEY74: Swine flu is God\u0027s punishment for the ACLU and lesbians and 9\n11 and nanobots!\nTWILIGHT7531: I fell down the stairs and there was a crack and a jagged white thing is sticking out of my arm guys is this swine flu?\nWIGU: @UNTOWARD: No, that sounds like syphilis, not swine flu. What did you say you did with a pig?\n2011SENIORSRULE: My Dad said flu vaccines are linked to autism, so to be safe from swine flu I\u0027m trying to lick an autistic kid.\n{{title text: Bad flu epidemics can hit young adults hardest because they provoke their powerful immune systems into overreaction, so to stay healthy spend the next few weeks drunk and sleep-deprived to keep yours suppressed.}}", "alt": "Bad flu epidemics can hit young adults hardest because they provoke their powerful immune systems into overreaction, so to stay healthy spend the next few weeks drunk and sleep-deprived to keep yours suppressed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/swine_flu.png", "title": "Swine Flu", "day": "27" }, { "month": "4", "num": 575, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tag Combination", "transcript": "Guy: So you can come up with a song title fitting any tag combination?\nGirl: Try me.\nGuy: Lesbian voyeurism one-hit wonder mash-up.\nGirl: \"I wish that Stacey\u0027s Mom had Jessie\u0027s Girl.\"\n\u003c\u003csilence\u003e\u003e\nGuy: Well, that was one, but-\nGirl: \"When you Come On Eileen I touch myself.\"\nGuy: Okay, wow.\n{{Title-text: I love Eileen \n and want you to love her \n When you\u0027re around \n I\u0027m one floor above her \n If you could see \n just how much I adore her \n Oh, that pretty red dress \n I\u0027d do anything for her \n (Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye ayy)}}", "alt": "I love Eileen / and want you to love her / When you\u0027re around / I\u0027m one floor above her / If you could see / just how much I adore her / Oh, that pretty red dress / I\u0027d do anything for her / (Too ra loo ra too ra loo rye ayy)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tag_combination.png", "title": "Tag Combination", "day": "29" }, { "month": "5", "num": 576, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Packages", "transcript": "[[A dude is sitting at his computer.]]\nMan: I love getting pacakges.\n[[A woman enters.]]\nMan: I set up a script to search eBay et. al. (sic) for $1 items with free shipping.\n[[The man checks his doorstop; a package is waiting for him.]]\nMan: I gave it $365, so each day it can buy me something random.\nWoman: What if you just end up with lots of crap?\nMan: I\u0027ll give it away. But I\u0027m sure I\u0027ll end up with some interesting stuff.\n[[Day 1: Length of rubber hose]]\nMan: Could be handy around the house.\n[[Day 2: Ski mask]]\nMan: It\u0027s spring, but hey.\n[[Day 3: Bear trap]]\nMan: Huh.\n[[Day 4: Tourist map of the Pentagon]]\nWoman: Uh oh.\n[[Day 5: Lube]]\nMan: I\u0027m stopping this before I end up on every F.B.I. watch list ever.\n{{alt-text: Day six: \u0027The hell? Who mails a bobcat?\u0027}}", "alt": "Day six: \u0027The hell? Who mails a bobcat?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/packages.png", "title": "Packages", "day": "1" }, { "month": "5", "num": 577, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "For this week, xkcd will update once a day.", "safe_title": "The Race: Part 1", "transcript": "Huh, cool. Nathan Fillion (Mal from Firefly) has an electric skateboard. Just like you!\nDid you hear that? Nathan-\nI heard. Gimme the computer. I need to book a flight.\nTo be continued...", "alt": "Great, and you JUST finished paying off the settlement over the Wayne Coyne hamster ball incident.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_race_part_1.png", "title": "The Race: Part 1", "day": "4" }, { "month": "5", "num": 578, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "For this week, xkcd will update once a day (through Friday).", "safe_title": "The Race: Part 2", "transcript": "[[Man with skateboard and gear and woman are talking]]\nMan: \"Why race him?\" He\u0027s Captain Reynolds!\nWoman: Mr. Fillion is an actor. Firefly was years ago.\n[[They go over to a computer; the man is using a phone and presumably looking up a phone number]]\nWoman: He has his own life to live, and I\u0027m sure the last thing he wants to do is indulge a fan by playing Mal for him.\n[[Nathan Fillion is standing in front of a mirror in a trenchcoat]]\nNathan: (into the mirror) Name\u0027s Captain Reynolds, ma\u0027am. *ahem* Name\u0027s Captain Reynolds, ma\u0027am.\nSomeone offpanel: Nathan? Telephone!\nNathan: That\u0027s Captain!\nSomeone offpanel: Fine, Captain Nathan.\nNathan: No, use my space name!\nSomeone offpanel: *sigh*\n[[Nathan and the skateboarder talk on the phone]]\nSkateboarder: So, how about we race for charities?\nNathan: Sure. Always did want a charity of my own.\nText between them: Come again?\nNathan: You know, boxes in supermarkets collecting food. \u0027Course, ought to tack up a list sayin\u0027 which wines I like best...\nSkateboarder: Uh, that\u0027s not quite...\nNathan: Listen, I\u0027m the captain here.\nSkateboarder: ...I just got goosebumps when you said that.\nNathan: Yeah, happens to me too whenever I get captainy. I cut such a strapping figure. Buckle! Swash! All right, let\u0027s do this race.\n{{title text: The Hammer + Captain Tightpants == Captain Hammerpants?}}", "alt": "The Hammer + Captain Tightpants == Captain Hammerpants?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_race_part_2.png", "title": "The Race: Part 2", "day": "5" }, { "month": "5", "num": 579, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "For this week, xkcd will update once a day (through Friday).", "safe_title": "The Race: Part 3", "transcript": "[[Malcolm, Munrovian Male, and Summer Glau standing around with electric skateboards]]\nMalcolm Reynolds: meet a few of my friends. this is-\nMale: Summer Glau! you were the best part of Chronicles.\nSummer: I eat my bodyweight in food every 31 days. that\u0027s slightly faster than the human average.\n[[Summer stares off into space]]\nMalcom: yeah, there\u0027s a reason she only plays strange roles.\nMale: Ah.\nSummer (offscreen): I\u0027m part of the floor now.\n[[They find Jewel Staite working on a skateboard\u0027s engine]]\nMalcolm: and this is Kaylee.\nJewel: my name is Jewel, Nathan.\nMalcolm: Kaylee-\nJewel: Jewel.\nMalcolm Jewel is fixin\u0027 up my new board.\nJewel: almost done!\nMale: so wait. Summer\u0027s actually weird, Jewel\u0027s actually a mechanical whiz...\nMale: ...will Morena Baccarin be here? is she really a-\nMalcolm and Jewel: NO.\n[[Setting up for the race]]\nMalcolm: Kaylee, I\u0027ve been gunnin\u0027 the radio hand throttle thingy for a while, but it ain\u0027t movin\u0027\nJewel: oh, I must\u0027ve set it to the wrong frequency!\nMale (riding around on haywire board): AAAAAAAA\n{{title text: No, the best things about The Sarah Connor Chronicles were: (1) watching Sarah and Cameron try to pass for normal, and (2) Cameron throwing people and things through walls. Everything else was pretty secondary.}}", "alt": "No, the best things about The Sarah Connor Chronicles were: (1) watching Sarah and Cameron try to pass for normal, and (2) Cameron throwing people and things through walls. Everything else was pretty secondary.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_race_part_3.png", "title": "The Race: Part 3", "day": "6" }, { "month": "5", "num": 580, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "For this week, xkcd will update once a day (through Friday).", "safe_title": "The Race: Part 4", "transcript": "[[Randall\nxkcd\nman and Nathan Fillion are ready on the start line on their electric skateboards]]\nVoice off panel: On your mark...\nVoice: Get set...\nNathan: Remember episode 11, when I got all naked in that desert?\nVoice: Go!\n[[Nathan speeds away leaving Randall standing at the start line]]\nvoice: ... I said \"Go.\"\nvoice: someone throw some water on him\nRandall: Can\u0027t...get it...out of my head...\n[[Nathan on walkie talkie, speeding on his skateboard]]\nNathan: He\u0027s right behind me. Kaylee, I\u0027m gonna try a Crazy Ivan.\nKaylee [[on walkie talkie]]: That doesn\u0027t make any sense, Nathan.\nNathan: Trust me.\nKaylee: No, I mean it\u0027s not a skateboard maneuver[sic]. The concept doesn\u0027t even apply to this situation.\nNathan [[via walkie talkie]]: That\u0027s why it just might work!\nKaylee: No, that\u0027s the opposite of true!\nNathan: On my mark, override the remote differential and throw her into a spin.\nKaylee [[via walkie talkie]] okay, but-\nNathan: Mark!\n\u003c\u003cWHAM\u003e\u003e\n[[Nathan lying injured on the ground next to his skateboard, Randall\nMan cruises past]]\n\u003c\u003cWhirrrrrrrr\u003e\u003e\n[[Nathan, trying to stand up]]\nNathan: I\u0027m down. Tell Summer \"The chickens are in the hayloft. Plan Gamma is a go.\"\n[[Nathan, one foot on skateboard, looking at walkie talkie]]\n\u003c\u003cmumbling from walkie talkie\u003e\u003e\nKaylee: She says, \"Plan gamma acknowledged. The meerkats are in the bad.\n[[Summer Glau is walking off panel]]\nKaylee [[to walkee talkie]]: So we\u0027re good?\nNathan: Hard to tell with her. Do you see an actual bag of meerkats?\nKaylee: No.\nNathan: Then we\u0027re probably good.\n[[Randall\nMan screeching to a halt as he sees Summer Glau]]\nRandall: Oh! Hi, Miss Glau! I\u0027d love to talk, but Nathan\u0027s back on his feet and catching up.\n[[Summer grabs Randalls arm]]\n\u003c\u003cGrab\u003e\u003e\nRandall: Wha-\n[[Summer kicks Randall in the face whilst pulling his arm towards her, he flies off his skateboard]]\n[[Summer walking away as Randall lies crippled on the floor with his sunglasses beside him]]\n[[Randall still lying on the floor]]\nRandall [[thinking]]: I\u0027ve never been so turned on in my life.\n{{Alt text: Things are rarely just crazy enough to work, but they\u0027re frequently just crazy enough to fail hilariously. Title: The Race: Part 4. Comic: xkcd. Tags: firefly, nathan fillion, summer glau, crazy ivan, serenity, whedon}}", "alt": "Things are rarely just crazy enough to work, but they\u0027re frequently just crazy enough to fail hilariously.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_race_part_4.png", "title": "The Race: Part 4", "day": "7" }, { "month": "5", "num": 581, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Race: Part 5", "transcript": "Of the potential responses to my brakes\u0027 failure, I did not choose the best.\n[[A car, in silhouette, is sailing off the edge of a cliff. The voice comes from a phone inside the car.]]\nVoice: Hello, you\u0027re on Car talk.\n{{Title text: It was the funniest 6.5 seconds of my life, although as usual like 80% of it was just Tom and Ray\u0027s gasping, hacking laughter.}}", "alt": "It was actually canceled because they just noticed he\u0027s been naked under that coat the whole time. There\u0027s a petition on Facebook to get Fox to un-cancel it, and one on Livejournal to get him to take off the coat.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_race_part_5.png", "title": "The Race: Part 5", "day": "8" }, { "month": "5", "num": 582, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brakes", "transcript": "Narrator: Of the potential responses to my brakes\u0027 failure, I did not choose the best.\n[[A cliff is visible, with a car flying off it.]]\nVoice from car: Hello, you\u0027re on Car Talk.\n\n{{Title text: It was the funniest 6.5 seconds of my life, although as usual like 80% of it was just Tom and Ray\u0027s gasping, hacking laughter.}}", "alt": "It was the funniest 6.5 seconds of my life, although as usual like 80% of it was just Tom and Ray\u0027s gasping, hacking laughter.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brakes.png", "title": "Brakes", "day": "11" }, { "month": "5", "num": 583, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "CNR", "transcript": "[[A woman is sitting at a computer.]]\nSpeech2Text Commander\nBug #167801\nSpeech recognition fails on young child voices.\nWoman: Hmm.\n\n[[The view enlarges to show a man sitting at another desk.]]\nWoman: Hey, can you do me without a condom? We need a young child for something.\nMan: Okay.\n\n[[A pregnancy test is displayed. The label indicates not pregnant.]]\n\n[[The woman is at the computer again.]]\nBug #167801\nStatus: Closed\nReason: Could not reproduce.\n\n{{Title text: Can\u0027t and shouldn\u0027t.}}", "alt": "Can\u0027t and shouldn\u0027t.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cnr.png", "title": "CNR", "day": "13" }, { "month": "5", "num": 584, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Unsatisfied", "transcript": "[[A blonde and a man are holding hands, looking at another woman with black hair.]]\n((Two arrows direct the comic into a pair of different paths.))\n\n((Left path.))\n[[The man is holding hands with the blonde woman, but he is thinking about the woman with black hair.]]\n((Right path.))\n[[The man approaches the woman with black hair. He is thinking about the blonde.]]\n\n((Left path.))\n[[The man is performing oral sex on the blonde, and still thinking about the woman with black hair.]]\n((Right path.))\n[[The man and the black-haired woman have sex on the arm of a chair. The man is thinking about the blonde.]]\n\n((Left path.))\n[[The man and the woman are drawing something together, and the man is thinking about the woman with black hair.]]\n((Right path.))\n[[The man and woman are hiking together. The man is thinking about the blonde woman.]]\n\n((Left path.))\n[[The man and the woman are holding hands, and the man is thinking of the woman with black hair.]]\n((Right path.))\n[[The man and the woman are holding hands, and the man is thinking of the blonde woman.]]\n((The path unites again.))\n[[Two gravestones are next to each other. One of them is thinking about a third gravestone.]]\n\n{{Title text: Forever comparing, never evaluating on any external scale. If you were a sort function, you\u0027d never break the nlogn barrier.}}", "alt": "Forever comparing, never evaluating on any external scale. If you were a sort function, you\u0027d never break the nlogn barrier.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unsatisfied.png", "title": "Unsatisfied", "day": "15" }, { "month": "5", "num": 585, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Outreach", "transcript": "[[A group of scientists with goggles and labcoats stand around a pair of beakers.]]\nScientist: The tracking tag will record the shark\u0027s movement and habits.\n\n[[The capsule floats upward.]]\nScientist: Then, it will pop free and float to the surface.\n\n[[A coast is shown, with arrows directed from water to land.]]\nScientist: We can\u0027t afford a recovery program, so the capsules will inflate helium balloons, drift over land,\n\nScientist: And hopefully be found and mailed to us. Any questions?\n[[The capsule has a caption on it.]]\nIf found please call\n\n[[The scientist is standing over a groggy shark.]]\n\u003c\u003cChunk\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The shark is dropped off a boat, into the water.]]\n\u003c\u003cSploosh\u003e\u003e\nShark: !!!\n\n[[The course of the shark is shown, weaving around islands.]]\n\n[[The capsule is shown stickign out of the shark.]]\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The capsule remains attached to the shark.]]\n\n[[The balloon starts to inflate, still attached to the shark and underwater.]]\n\u003c\u003cHissss\u003e\u003e\n\n[[As the balloon inflates, it starts to pull the shark to the surface.]]\nShark: ??\n\n[[The balloon breaks the surface, pulling the shark with it.]]\n\n[[A man and a child are standing together.]]\n\n[[Two scientists run past, screaming. One is holding a microscope.]]\nScientists: AAAAAAAA\n\n[[A shark attached to a huge balloon floats past following the scientists.]]\nShark: \u003c\u003cChomp chomp\u003e\u003e\n\nChild: Daddy?\nFather: Yes?\nChild: I want to be a scientist.\n\n{{Title text: Completely implausible? Yes. Nevertheless, worth keeping a can of shark repellent next to the bed.}}", "alt": "Completely implausible? Yes. Nevertheless, worth keeping a can of shark repellent next to the bed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/outreach.png", "title": "Outreach", "day": "18" }, { "month": "5", "num": 586, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mission to Culture", "transcript": "[[A man is pulling a woman by the legs. She is holding onto the ground.]]\nMan: We\u0027re getting some culture in you if it \nkills\n you.\nWoman: Don\u0027t wanna.\n\n[[The man is pushing the woman through a door.]]\nMan: All you listen to is techno.\nWoman: But... the \nsymphony?\n\n\n[[The couple stand in line between other people.]]\nWoman: I think we\u0027re the only people here under 60.\nMan: Shhh.\n\nWoman: The right side is definitely better.\nMan: Better? \nWoman: They\u0027ve all got bigger instruments. I bet they make more money.\nMan: \u003c\u003cSigh\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: It can\u0027t be very MUCH money ... they apparently can\u0027t even afford a sampler. I mean, with a little remixing, some of this could be kinda good!}}", "alt": "It can\u0027t be very MUCH money ... they apparently can\u0027t even afford a sampler. I mean, with a little remixing, some of this could be kinda good!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mission_to_culture.png", "title": "Mission to Culture", "day": "20" }, { "month": "5", "num": 587, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Crime Scene", "transcript": "[[A crime scene is surrounded in tape. A large black pool is on the ground, with splashes around it, and some sort of tool. Two people are standing outside the tape.]]\nPoliceman: Looks like a murder-suicide.\nGeorge: Any interesting mathematical patterns?\nPoliceman: No, George, just two dead bodies and a lot of blood.\nGeorge: Two... that\u0027s the third Fibonacci number!\nPoliceman: Not now, George.\n\nWhen Mathnet shut down, the officers had trouble reintegrating into the regular L.A.P.D.\n\n{{Title text: I think I see a Mandelbrot set! No, that\u0027s just blood splatters. Golly.}}", "alt": "I think I see a Mandelbrot set! No, that\u0027s just blood splatters. Golly.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/crime_scene.png", "title": "Crime Scene", "day": "22" }, { "month": "5", "num": 588, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pep Rally", "transcript": "[[A cheerleader stands in front of crowded bleachers.]]\n[[The cheerleader is waving pompoms.]]\nCheerleader: Lakeview High is the best!\nCrowd: Yeah!\nSomeone: Wait, why?\n\nCheerleader: What?\nVoice: A guy on the North High football team helped me rebuild my deck.\nVoice: It seems ungrateful to presume we\u0027re better.\n\nVoice: I mean, school districts are just based on zip codes.\nVoice #2: Their principal donated a kidney to my dad.\n\nVoice: I\u0027m texting with my friend there now. He says it\u0027s okay, and we\u0027re invited to their events if we want.\nVoice: But he sounded kind of hurt.\nVoice #2: Why are we doing this, rally, again?\n[[The cheerleader looks dejected.]]\n\n{{Title text: You know, pep rallies weirded me out in high school, and they\u0027ve only gotten creepier in retrospect.}}", "alt": "You know, pep rallies weirded me out in high school, and they\u0027ve only gotten creepier in retrospect.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pep_rally.png", "title": "Pep Rally", "day": "25" }, { "month": "5", "num": 589, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Designated Drivers", "transcript": "[[Four people are outside a bar.]]\nMan #1: Wait, who\u0027s driving?\nMan #2: Why?\nMan #2: Tom, right?\n\nMan #1: Yes, but we have to leave in two groups. One of which will need at least two drivers.\n\n[[There is a complicated flowchart with arrows between a group of people and 3 locations, labeled \u0027bar\u0027, \u0027dinner\u0027, and \u0027party\u0027. Lines point from the group of people to the bar, then to the party or dinner, then from dinner to the party and vice versa, as well as leaving the panel or entering the panel in several other directions.]]\nNarrator: Someone has to get Paul, and Julia and Emily have to leave by 10:00.\nNarrator: The logistics of who can get drunk are nontrivial.\n\n[[The third man has an animal on a string behind him, which was previously not visible.]]\nMan #3: Yeah, and I can\u0027t ride in a car with the wolf because he\u0027ll eat my goat.\nMan #1: Dammit, guys.\n\n{{Title text: Calling a cab means cutting into beer money.}}", "alt": "Calling a cab means cutting into beer money.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/designated_drivers.png", "title": "Designated Drivers", "day": "27" }, { "month": "5", "num": 590, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Papyrus", "transcript": "My Hobby:\nGetting typography geeks heartfelt cards printed in \"papyrus\" and watching them struggle to act grateful.\nWoman: Thank you for the \u003c\u003cTwitch\u003e\u003e ... lovely... \u003c\u003cTwitch\u003e\u003e birthday card!\n[[The woman is holding a card open and looking at someone. An angry tic is flicking on her forehead.]]\n\n{{Title text: I secretly, deep in my guilty heart, like Papyrus and don\u0027t care if it\u0027s overused. [Cue hate mail in beautifully-kerned Helvetica.]}}", "alt": "I secretly, deep in my guilty heart, like Papyrus and don\u0027t care if it\u0027s overused. [Cue hate mail in beautifully-kerned Helvetica.]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/papyrus.png", "title": "Papyrus", "day": "29" }, { "month": "6", "num": 591, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Troll Slayer", "transcript": "[[A website where people can post comments along side pictures.]]\n((Next to a picture of a website.)) Hey, let\u0027s troll the fuck out of the Twilight boards.\n((Next to a picture of some people)) I\u0027m in. Should be fun.\n((Next to a picture of a man with sword and trumpet)) Me too. Signing on now.\n((Next to a picture of \"LOL\")) Lol angsty teens.\n\nHours Later:\n[[Stephenie Meyer, at a computer.]]\nStephenie Meyer: Hi, it\u0027s Stephenie Meyer. Fine, you don\u0027t like my books. But please leave us alone.\nComputer (Nerd): Show us your tits.\nStephenie Meyer: I asked politely. Don\u0027t make me get tough.\n\n[[Pimply nerd at computer.]]\nNerd: And what, call the internet police? You don\u0027t get it, do you? We\u0027ve been trolling for years. We\u0027re all anonymous. There\u0027s nothing you can do to hurt us. We\u0027re the net\u0027s hate machine.\nComputer (Stephenie): Okay. Just remember, I gave you a chance. \u003c\u003cDisconnected\u003e\u003e\n\nSix Months Later\n[[A page from a book.]]\nVampires! Book VI\nEdward ran a pale hand through his perfect golden-bronze hair, then signed on to 4chan.org, the darkest place on the internet, where all his vampire compatriots spent their time.\nSuddenly, there was a loud knock at the door [...] swept in [...] ing\n[[The rest of the page is cut off.]]\n\nShortly Thereafter:\n[[On the same website as the first panel.]]\n((Next to a picture of two people hugging)) OMG I love this place it\u0027s so edgy being anonymous.\n(next to a picture of \"DAWNE\") Whos your favorite vampire\n(next to a picture of someone with black hair and shirt) Check out my pic Im so dark just like this site\n(Next to a picture of a chess piece) Any Twilight fans in Dallas want to meet a lonely (...)\n\n[[The same nerd at his computer.]]\nNerd: Oh... Oh God.\n\n{{Title text: We have met the enemy and he is us.}}", "alt": "We have met the enemy and he is us.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/troll_slayer.png", "title": "Troll Slayer", "day": "1" }, { "month": "6", "num": 592, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Drama", "transcript": "[[Three people are sitting together.]]\nWoman: Man, sex has all these crazy social rules. They just create drama.\nMan #2: Let\u0027s agree to change them, and make sex simple!\nMan #1: Okay!\n\nMan: Hooray! We\u0027ve solved the problem of drama!\nMan: I\u0027ll go tell everyone!\n[[The man opens a door.]]\n\n[[There is a graph, showing time vs. drama. A vertical dotted line indicates the rule change. Drama is low before the line, then steadily increases afterward.]]\n\n[[The man closes and leans against the door.]]\nMan: Holy shit\nMan: Guys\nMan: People are \ncomplicated!\n\n\n{{Title text: This happens in geek circles every so often. The \u0027Hey, this is just a system I can figure out easily!\u0027 is also a problem among engineers first diving into the stock market.}}", "alt": "This happens in geek circles every so often. The \u0027Hey, this is just a system I can figure out easily!\u0027 is also a problem among engineers first diving into the stock market.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/drama.png", "title": "Drama", "day": "3" }, { "month": "6", "num": 593, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Voynich Manuscript", "transcript": "[[Weird root vegetables surround a strange script.]]\n\n[[Woman holding up book.]]\nWoman: This is the Voynich manuscript -- a book, allegedly 500 years old, written in an unrecognized script. It\u0027s some kind of visual encyclopedia of imaginary plants and undeciphered \"recipes\".\n\n[[The man opens the book.]]\nWoman: It could be a hoax, a lost language, a cipher, an alien text, glossolatia -- no one knows.\nMan: No one? But it\u0027s obvious.\n\nWoman: ... Obvious? Linguists and cryptographers have been stumped for decades.\nMan: They forget. Human nature doesn\u0027t change.\n\nMan: Just imagine someone found a book from _our_ time, full of lists, illustrations, tables, and long, dry descriptions of nonexistent worlds written in an invented language. What have they found?\nWoman: ... Dear Lord. It \nis\n obvious.\n\n500 Years Earlier:\n[[Three people are standing around pawns and a die. One is holding a sheet of paper, another is holding a book, the third is holding a scythe.]]\nPerson #1: Forsooth! I concoct an elixir of courage.\nPerson #2: Nae! The source booke sayeth that requires some wolfsbane!\nPerson #3: Your druid doth lose two points.\n\n{{Title text: Wait, is that the ORIGINAL voynich manuscript? Where did you GET that? Wanna try playing a round of Druids and Dicotyledons?}}", "alt": "Wait, is that the ORIGINAL voynich manuscript? Where did you GET that? Wanna try playing a round of Druids and Dicotyledons?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/voynich_manuscript.png", "title": "Voynich Manuscript", "day": "5" }, { "month": "6", "num": 594, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Period", "transcript": "Voice: Ugh. Stupid uterus.\nMan: Hey, your period is every 28 days, right?\n\nVoice: Yes, why?\nMan: Well, preiod = T = 1\nf.\nVoice: So?\n\nMan: Using this, we can calculate something you already know.\nVoice: What?\n\nMan: Your uterus-hertz.\nVoice: If I could get up I\u0027d smack you.\n\n{{Title text: 413 nanohertz, by the way.}}", "alt": "413 nanohertz, by the way.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/period.png", "title": "Period", "day": "8" }, { "month": "6", "num": 595, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Android Girlfriend", "transcript": "[[A couple and a man face each other. The man is holding something.]]\nMan with android: Check out my new android girlfriend.\nMan #2: Is she a sex bot?\n\n[[The android grabs the cherry out of the man\u0027s hand.]]\n\n[[The android pulls the stem off.]]\n\u003c\u003cPlink\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The android puts the stem in its mouth.]]\n\u003c\u003cNom\u003e\u003e\n\n[[There is a bright flash around the android\u0027s mouth. The rest of the panel is dark.]]\n\nMan #2: I don\u0027t think arc-welding a cherry stem counts as sexy.\nAndroid: Remove your pants.\nMan #2: No.\n\n{{Title text: Programming the sexbots to enjoy sex seemed a sensible move at the time, but we didn\u0027t realize the consequences of their developing fetishes.}}", "alt": "Programming the sexbots to enjoy sex seemed a sensible move at the time, but we didn\u0027t realize the consequences of their developing fetishes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/android_girlfriend.png", "title": "Android Girlfriend", "day": "10" }, { "month": "6", "num": 596, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Latitude", "transcript": "[[The Black Hat Guy is holding a phone up to someone.]]\nBlack Hat Guy: We\u0027re in a narrow window in which people are using Google Latitude, but haven\u0027t learned the habit of turning it off when they\u0027re doing something discreetly.\nBlack Hat Guy: I wrote an app to log friends\u0027 locations and work out addresses and business names.\n\n[[A timetable is visible. Each column represents a different person.]]\n[[First column: Megan.]]\n11:00AM Home\n12:30PM Eastview Adult Toy Store\n1:30PM Home\n2:00PM Laketown Sex Toy Shop\n2:30PM Home\n3:00PM Fry\u0027s Electronics\n3:30PM Ed\u0027s Power Tool Emporium\n4:00PM Home\n4:10PM Hospital Burn Ward\n\n[[Second column: Rober - the rest of the name is cut off, as well as the end nof each entry.]]\n12:30PM Home\n2:00PM Schoo\n3:30PM Subwa\n\n{{Title text: The G1, especially with the new Android upgrade, is way better than I originally thought.}}", "alt": "The G1, especially with the new Android upgrade, is way better than I originally thought.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/latitude.png", "title": "Latitude", "day": "12" }, { "month": "6", "num": 597, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Addiction", "transcript": "[[A man is typing at a computer.]]\nComputer: Constant novelty saps my initiative. I\u0027m gonna try to spend a weekend at home without internet.\nMan: I give you an hour.\n\n[[A woman stands up, turns off the computer in front of her.]]\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The woman stands proudly in front of the computer.]]\n\n[[The man is at his computer.]]\nComputer: So far, it\u0027s not actually too bad!\nMan: Ahem?\nComputer: Wait. Shit.\n\n{{Title text: But if you unplug everything, it gets so quiet you hear that high-pitched empty-room hum. And then the whispers begin.}}", "alt": "But if you unplug everything, it gets so quiet you hear that high-pitched empty-room hum. And then the whispers begin.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/addiction.png", "title": "Addiction", "day": "15" }, { "month": "6", "num": 598, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Porn", "transcript": "[[A man is hunched up at a computer. A circle surrounds him; the rest of the panel is black.]]\nNarrator: I shouldn\u0027t have watched all that porn as a teenager.\n\nNarrator: It\u0027s not that it scarred me.\n[[The computer screen is visible. It shows an online video player, with what appears to be someone performing cunnilingus. Ads are also visible, though what they depict is not.]]\n\nNarrator: It\u0027s just that we had dial-up.\n[[A 14.4kbps modem is shown.]]\nNarrator: And now I\u0027m stuck with a fetish.\n\nNarrator: For video compression.\n[[A man and a woman are in bed together.]]\nMan: Can you try to look... blockier?\n\n{{Title text: I have a thing for corrupt women.}}", "alt": "I have a thing for corrupt women.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/porn.png", "title": "Porn", "day": "17" }, { "month": "6", "num": 599, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Apocalypse", "transcript": "[[An apocalyptic scene. Flaming balls rain down on a darkened landscape. The sky is red.]]\n\nMan with beret: The Apocalypse! The skies burn, the seas turn to blood, and the dead walk the Earth!\n\nMan #1: The dead what?\nMan with beret: Walk the Earth!\n\nMan #1: I have to go.\n\n[[Man #1 sits down at a table to write. A series of formulas floats above his head.]]\n\u003c\u003cScribble\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cScribble\u003e\u003e\n[[Sum for i = 0 to n of i to the power h times 1 over i.]]\n[[Square root of 163.]]\n[[log(n).]]\n\n[[The man runs with paper and pencil.]]\n\n[[The man goes through a door marked \"Math Dep\u0027t\".]]\nMan #1: The dead return!\nMan #1: Everyone, quick, get your names on here!\n\n[[5 people line up. The first in line is signing the paper.]]\nWoman #1: At last.\nMan #2: I hope there\u0027s time!\n\n[[Man #1 runs on, holding paper and pencil.]]\n\n[[The man approaches a sign that says \"Cemetery\".]]\nVoice: Hurrghhh\n\n[[The man approaches a half-open grave, with a dirty man climbing out.]]\n\n[[The man in the grave looks up.]]\nMan #1: Paul Erdös?\nPaul Erdös: Yes?\nMan #1: We need you to sign this.\n\n{{Title text: I wonder if I still have time to go shoot a short film with Kevin Bacon.}}", "alt": "I wonder if I still have time to go shoot a short film with Kevin Bacon.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/apocalypse.png", "title": "Apocalypse", "day": "19" }, { "month": "6", "num": 600, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Android Boyfriend", "transcript": "[[Two couples meet.]]\nWoman #2: I thought your android girlfriend was cool so I got myself an android boyfriend.\n\nWoman #2: He\u0027s really great. I like how --\nWoman #2: Uh.\n[[Woman #1, the android girlfriend, rushes over to Man #2, the android boyfriend.]]\n\n\u003c\u003cZip\u003e\u003e\nVoice: Mmmmm...\n[[Man #1 and Woman #2 look at something which is off the panel.]]\n\nMan #1: ... Huh.\nWoman #2: It\u0027s like somebody stuck a vibrator in a fleshlight.\n\n\u003c\u003cWhirrr\u003e\nVoice: Mmmm\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: Which is, coincidentally, the most unsettling mantlepiece decoration in my house.}}", "alt": "Which is, coincidentally, the most unsettling mantlepiece decoration in my house.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/android_boyfriend.png", "title": "Android Boyfriend", "day": "22" }, { "month": "6", "num": 601, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Game Theory", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting at a computer. The text appearing is implied to be what he sees on the screen.]]\nA.I. Loaded\n\u003e\u003e\u003e Analyze love\n\n[[An hourglass appears over the computer.]]\n\n[[The hourglass continues to display.]]\n\nComputer: A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.\n\n{{Title text: Wait, no, that one also loses. How about a nice game of chess?}}", "alt": "Wait, no, that one also loses. How about a nice game of chess?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/game_theory.png", "title": "Game Theory", "day": "24" }, { "month": "6", "num": 602, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Overstimulated", "transcript": "[[There is a group of people. Three women and four men. They are standing around a table with a drink on it.]]\nMan #3: Have you seen John lately?\n\nWoman #3: He and Claire blew off this party to see Jeff.\nMan #4: They do that a lot.\n\nMan #1: Yeah; I don\u0027t know what his problem is with hanging out lately.\nMan #3: He\u0027s like Katie - ever noticed how she only goes somewhere if Jeff\u0027s there?\n\nSomebody: It\u0027s so lame how s he hangs around him even when he\u0027s not single:\nSomebody: HE LIKES IT. \nSomebody: SOMEONE SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO DATE HER.\nSomebody: TOTALLY.\nSomebody: And honestly I feel like a jerk but I wouldn\u0027t mind if she hung around with us a little less. She needs other friends, you know!\n[[Man #2 is cringing away from all the text; none of the word is attributed to specific people.]]\n\n[[Man #2 peels a hole in the panel. The numbers \u00271\u0027, \u00272\u0027, and \u00273\u0027 are visible through the gap.]]\nSomebody: HAVE YOU \nNOTICED\n HOW EVERY DUDE SHE DATES IS A TOTAL DRUGGIE?\nSomebody: I\u0027m glad I\u0027m not the only one who thought that was weird.\nSomebody: Michelle dates potheads like Elaine but at least they both have real jobs.\nSomebody: Michelle does? She designs those book covers, right?\nSomebody: And it\u0027s not like she smokes a lot.\nSomebody: Elaine is one of those girls who\n\n[[The previous panel\u0027s text appears again, but peeled back even further. Man #2 looks up.]]\n1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12\n\n[[The man starts taking down the prime numbers.]]\n1 4 6 8 9 10 12 14 15\n 2 3 5 7 11 13\n[[The man grabs and squeezes the 2, so it is half as wide and twice as tall.]]\n\n[[A formula: \\Sum_{i=1}^{\\infty}{1\nP_i} = h]]\n[[ie. The sum from 1 to infinity of the inverse of each prime.]]\n[[The panel shows a 2 that is 2 units tall and 1\n2 wide, a 3 that is 3 units tall and 1\n3 wide, and so on. The man is moving the 7.]]\n\n[[Man #2 writes h = infinity. The numbers are piled on their side next to a scale.]]\nVoice: Don\u0027t you agree?\nVoice: Hey, wake up.\n\nMan #1: You zoned out or something.\nMan #2: Sorry; I must be... tired.\n\nMan #1: I don\u0027t blame you. All day cooped up working on papers.\nMan #3: Must be nice to get out and relax, huh?\nMan #2: Yeah.\n[[Girl #3 reaches for the glass on the table.]]\n\n{{Title text: My favorite thing to do at parties is to talk judgementally about people who aren\u0027t there.}}", "alt": "My favorite thing to do at parties is to talk judgmentally about people who aren\u0027t there.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/overstimulated.png", "title": "Overstimulated", "day": "26" }, { "month": "6", "num": 603, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Idiocracy", "transcript": "Man #1: Idiocracy is so true.\nMan #2: I know, right? It used to be that the intelligent, upper classes had more children.\n\nMan #2: Sadly, the recent reversal of this trend has dragged IQ scores and average education steadily downward.\nMan #1: Depressing, huh?\n\nMan #2: Yeah, except \neverything I just said was wrong.\n\nMan #1: Huh?\nMan #2: Wrong. False. The opposite of true.\n\nMan #2: Your\u0027e like the religious zealots who are \nburdened\n by their superiority with the sad duty of decrying the \nobvious\n moral decay of each new generation.\nMan #2: And you\u0027re just as wrong.\n\nMan #1: But look at how popular --\nMan #2: More harm has been done by people panicked over societal decline than societal decline ever did.\n\nMan #1: Look -- all we need is a program that limits breeding to --\n[[The second man is walking off panel.]]\nMan #2: New theory: Stupid people reproduce more because the alternative is sleeping with \nyou\n.\n\n{{Title text: People aren\u0027t going to change, for better or for worse. Technology\u0027s going to be so cool. All in all, the future will be okay! Except climate; we fucked that one up.}}", "alt": "People aren\u0027t going to change, for better or for worse. Technology\u0027s going to be so cool. All in all, the future will be okay! Except climate; we fucked that one up.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/idiocracy.png", "title": "Idiocracy", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 604, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Qwertial Aphasia", "transcript": "Narrator: I hate how when I\u0027m talking while I type, sometimes I accidentally type a word I\u0027m saying.\n[[A man is sitting at a computer.]]\nComputer: Wanna go get food later?\n\n[[A woman runs over, holding a giraffe.]]\nWoman: Check out what I found in the closet!\n\u003c\u003cType type\u003e\u003e\nMan ((typing)): Sorry, I really shouldn\u0027t.\n\nMan ((talking)): Aww, what an adorable stuffed giraffe!\n\u003c\u003cType type\u003e\u003e\nMan ((typing)): I can\u0027t afford to keep eating out this giraffe.\nNarrator: \nFrequently!\n I meant \n\u0027frequently\u0027!\n\n\n{{Title text: If this were SMBC, the alt-text drawing thingy would be a giraffe hooker fluttering her eyelashes.}}", "alt": "If this were SMBC, the alt-text drawing thingy would be a giraffe hooker fluttering her eyelashes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/qwertial_aphasia.png", "title": "Qwertial Aphasia", "day": "1" }, { "month": "7", "num": 605, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Extrapolating", "transcript": "My Hobby: Extrapolating\n[[There is a graph. Time runs along the horizontal axis; Number of Husbands on the vertical graph. Yesterday and today are labeled in time, 0 and 1 in number of husbands. Points are plotted with 0 at yesterday, 1 at today. A straight line is fitted through them.]]\n[[A man is holding a pointer to the graph, and looking at a woman wearing a dress and veil.]]\nMan: As you can see, by late next month you\u0027ll have over four dozen husbands. Better get a bulk rate on wedding cake.\n\n{{Title text: By the third trimester, there will be hundreds of babies inside you.}}", "alt": "By the third trimester, there will be hundreds of babies inside you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/extrapolating.png", "title": "Extrapolating", "day": "3" }, { "month": "7", "num": 606, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cutting Edge", "transcript": "((A woman is standing. A man sits at a computer.]]\nWoman: Where\u0027ve you been all week?\nMan: Playing Half-Life 2!\nWoman: ... that came out in 2004.\n\nMan: I get games on a five-year lag. That way, I never have to buy a high-end system, but get the same steadily-advancing gaming experience as people who do -- and at a fraction of the price.\n\nMan: There are no downsides!\nWoman: I can think of \none\n...\n\nEarly 2013.\nMan: Guys!\nMan: The cake is a lie!\n[[Musical notes surround an italic line, suggesting the man is singing.]]\nMan: This was a triumph.\nMan: The cake is a lie!\nWoman, Man #2: \u003c\u003cSigh\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: I remember trying to log in to the original Command and Conquer servers a year or two back and feeling like I was knocking on the boarded-up gates of a ghost town. }}", "alt": "I remember trying to log in to the original Command and Conquer servers a year or two back and feeling like I was knocking on the boarded-up gates of a ghost town. ", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cutting_edge.png", "title": "Cutting Edge", "day": "6" }, { "month": "7", "num": 607, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "2038", "transcript": "I\u0027m glad we\u0027re switching to 64-bit, because I wasn\u0027t looking forward to convincing people to care about the UNIX 2038 problem.\n\nMan #1: What\u0027s that?\nMan #2: Remember Y2K? This could be even \nworse!\n\n\n{{Title text: If only we\u0027d chosen 1944-12-02 08:45:52 as the Unix epoch, we could\u0027ve combined two doomsday scenarios into one and added a really boring scene to that Roland Emmerich movie.}}", "alt": "If only we\u0027d chosen 1944-12-02 08:45:52 as the Unix epoch, we could\u0027ve combined two doomsday scenarios into one and added a really boring scene to that Roland Emmerich movie.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2038.png", "title": "2038", "day": "8" }, { "month": "7", "num": 608, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Form", "transcript": "[[There is a sheet of paper, with a series of check boxes. A white rectangle is the focus.]]\nDo not write in this space.\n\n[[A man is standing with a pencil, looking at the page.]]\n\n[[The man writes something on the page.]]\n\n[[A group of people with helmets, black goggles, and rifles look at display screens. There is a radar system on a table between them.]]\n[[The screens show sheets of paper. On one screen, it shows the man writing on one.]]\n[[One of the men arms his weapon.]]\n\u003c\u003cCha-click\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: \u0027This space intentionally left blank\u0027 is less immediately provocative but more Hofstadterially confusing.}}", "alt": "\u0027This space intentionally left blank\u0027 is less immediately provocative but more Hofstadterially confusing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/form.png", "title": "Form", "day": "10" }, { "month": "7", "num": 609, "link": "https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/UniversalTropes", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tab Explosion", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting at a computer.]]\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\nMan: Huh.\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The man stares at the computer.]]\n\nMan: I never noticed that!\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\nMan: Haha, yeah.\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\nMan: So true.\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The man stares at the computer.]]\n\n[[The man stares at the computer.]]\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The man stares at the computer.]]\n\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\nVoice: Are you in there?\nMan: Help!\n\nWoman: Okay, who linked you to TVTropes? What\u0027s \nwith\n that site?\nMan: Can\u0027t... stop...\nWoman: It\u0027s like Rickrolling, but you\u0027re trapped all day.\n\n{{Title text: Cracked.com is another inexplicable browser narcotic. They could write a list of \u002717 worst haircuts in the Ottoman Empire\u0027 and I\u0027d read through to the end, then click on all the links at the end.}}", "alt": "Cracked.com is another inexplicable browser narcotic. They could write a list of \u002717 worst haircuts in the Ottoman Empire\u0027 and I\u0027d read through to the end, then click on all the links at the end.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tab_explosion.png", "title": "Tab Explosion", "day": "13" }, { "month": "7", "num": 610, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sheeple", "transcript": "((A thought bubble is shared between the five occupants of a subway car.))\nAll: Look at these people. Glassy-eyed automatons going about their daily lives, never stopping to look around and \nthink!\n I\u0027m the only conscious human in a world of sheep.\n\n{{Title text: Hey, what are the odds -- five Ayn Rand fans on the same train! Must be going to a convention.}}", "alt": "Hey, what are the odds -- five Ayn Rand fans on the same train! Must be going to a convention.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sheeple.png", "title": "Sheeple", "day": "15" }, { "month": "7", "num": 611, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Disaster Voyeurism", "transcript": "[[A woman is watching TV. The Black Hat Guy is leaning on the back of her chair.]]\nWoman: I\u0027ve realized that I always secretly root for hurricanes. I watch the news hoping that they\u0027ll get really big and hit a city. I know my hopes don\u0027t actually affect it, but I feel bad.\n\nBlack Hat Guy: Nah, that\u0027s just natural human attraction to spectacle. It\u0027s like watching the shuttle launch because you don\u0027t want to miss it if there\u0027s a disaster.\nWoman: ... I guess?\n\nBlack Hat Guy: Or dressing as an intern to sneak into operating rooms, in case a patient dies and you can watch them harvest organs.\nWoman: Wait, you \ndo\n that?\n\nBlack Hat Guy: Or stealing detour signs to direct highway drivers downw backwoods roads strewn with caltrops. After the tires burst, you start shooting out their windows.\n\nBlack Hat Guy: Then, when they flee the car in terror, you hunt them on horseback, like \nmen\n once did.\nWoman: I realized a while back that we\u0027re having entirely different conversations.\n\n{{Title text: Hurricane forums are full of excited comments about central pressure and wind speed and comparisons to Camille and 1931 and 1938, with hastily-tacked-on notes about how it will be tragic if anyone dies and they hope it\u0027s a dud.}}", "alt": "Hurricane forums are full of excited comments about central pressure and wind speed and comparisons to Camille and 1931 and 1938, with hastily-tacked-on notes about how it will be tragic if anyone dies and they hope it\u0027s a dud.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/disaster_voyeurism.png", "title": "Disaster Voyeurism", "day": "17" }, { "month": "7", "num": 612, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Estimation", "transcript": "[[A man is in a car, talking on his phone.]]\nMan: I\u0027m just outside town, so I should be there in fifteen minutes.\nMan: Actually, it\u0027s looking more like six days.\nMan: No, wait, thirty seconds.\n\nThe author of the Windows file copy dialog visits some friends.\n\n{{Title text: They could say \"the connection is probably lost,\" but it\u0027s more fun to do naive time-averaging to give you hope that if you wait around for 1,163 hours, it will finally finish.}}", "alt": "They could say \"the connection is probably lost,\" but it\u0027s more fun to do naive time-averaging to give you hope that if you wait around for 1,163 hours, it will finally finish.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/estimation.png", "title": "Estimation", "day": "20" }, { "month": "7", "num": 613, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Threesome", "transcript": "Woman: We had a threesome last night.\nMan: How was it?\n\nWoman: Awkward -- it was with a physicist.\nMan: Why\u0027s that awkward?\n\nWoman: They can\u0027t solve the three-body problem.\nMan: Ah, yes.\n\n{{Title text: I wanted us to try finding an approximate numeric solution, but noooo.}}", "alt": "I wanted us to try finding an approximate numeric solution, but noooo.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/threesome.png", "title": "Threesome", "day": "22" }, { "month": "7", "num": 614, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Woodpecker", "transcript": "[[A man with a beret and a woman are standing on a boardwalk, leaning on a handrail.]]\nMan: A woodpecker!\n\u003c\u003cPop pop pop\u003e\u003e\nWoman: Yup.\n\n[[The woodpecker is banging its head against a tree.]]\nWoman: He hatched about this time last year.\n\u003c\u003cPop pop pop pop\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The woman walks away. The man is still standing at the handrail.]]\n\nMan: ... woodpecker?\nMan: It\u0027s your birthday!\n\nMan: Did you know?\n\nMan: Did... did nobody tell you?\n\n[[The man stands, looking.]]\n\n[[The man walks away.]]\n\n[[There is a tree.]]\n\n[[The man approaches the tree with a present in a box, tied up with ribbon.]]\n\n[[The man sets the present down at the base of the tree and looks up.]]\n\n[[The man walks away.]]\n\n[[The present is sitting at the bottom of the tree.]]\n\n[[The woodpecker looks down at the present.]]\n\n[[The woodpecker sits on the present.]]\n\n[[The woodpecker pulls on the ribbon tying the present closed.]]\n\n((full width panel))\n[[The woodpecker is flying, with an electric drill dangling from its feet, held by the cord.]]\n\n{{Title text: If you don\u0027t have an extension cord I can get that too. Because we\u0027re friends! Right?}}", "alt": "If you don\u0027t have an extension cord I can get that too. Because we\u0027re friends! Right?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/woodpecker.png", "title": "Woodpecker", "day": "24" }, { "month": "7", "num": 615, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Avoidance", "transcript": "[[A man is standing talking to a man in a chair, who is holding a phone.]]\nMan #1: Did you call that hot girl from the party yet?\nMan #2: I\u0027ve been trying.\n\nMan #2: It\u0027s weird. I swear I got her the first time. But now it says the number\u0027s wrong.\n\nMan #1: What did you say she did, again? \nMan #2: Voice work. At Verizon, I think.\nMan #2: Why?\nMan #1: No reason.\n\n[[A woman is talking into a phone, in an italic voice.]]\nWoman: We\u0027re sorry, your call could not be completed as dialed.\nMan #2: Damn.\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\nWoman: Please check the number and try again.\n\n{{Title text: Hobby: seeing how many menu selections you can get someone to go through before they realize you\u0027re not an automated system and\nor hang up.}}", "alt": "Hobby: seeing how many menu selections you can get someone to go through before they realize you\u0027re not an automated system and/or hang up.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/avoidance.png", "title": "Avoidance", "day": "27" }, { "month": "7", "num": 616, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lease", "transcript": "[[A man is holding a sheet of paper.]]\nMan #1: Okay, any other concerns before you sign the lease?\n\nMan #2: I\u0027m concerned that we\u0027re sitting here like I\u0027m a responsible adult. I\u0027m pretty sure I stopped growing up in my teens and have been faking ever since.\n\nMan #2: For god\u0027s sake, you\u0027re entrusting me with a \nbuilding\n. I still make LEGO buildings sometimes.\n\nMan #1: Sir, does any of this impact your fulfillment of the lease terms?\nMan #2: I don\u0027t know what you just said because I was thinking about Batman.\n\n{{Title text: You should talk to the girl down the hall; I think you\u0027d like her. Lemme know if you find out why she\u0027s ordering all those colored plastic balls.}}", "alt": "You should talk to the girl down the hall; I think you\u0027d like her. Lemme know if you find out why she\u0027s ordering all those colored plastic balls.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lease.png", "title": "Lease", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 617, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Understocked", "transcript": "[[A bearded man with glasses and a police man are swearing at each other on a stoop.]]\n\n[[The bearded man is sitting behind bars.]]\n\n[[The President is standing at a podium with a fancy logo on the front.]]\nPresident: To defuse this misunderstanding, I\u0027ve invited both men to have a beer with me at the white house.\n\n[[The policeman, the bearded man, and the president are in a room with a couch and an oval carpet.]]\n\n[[The president is looking in a cabinet.]]\nPresident: Actually, it seems we\u0027re out of beer.\nVoice: Is there anything else?\n\n[[The president sees a bottle of Tequila.]]\n\n[[The Presidential Limo is being driven at high speed. The bearded man and the policeman are standing out of the sunroof. The policeman is waving his hat and holding the bottle of tequila.]]\nAll: WOOOOOOOOOOOO\n\n[[The policeman, the bearded man, and the president are sitting behind bars.]]\n\n{{Title text: My biology grad student friends tell me that different types of alcohol don\u0027t actually have different effects. I trust their expertise, not because of the \u0027biology\u0027 part, but because of the \u0027grad student\u0027.}}", "alt": "My biology grad student friends tell me that different types of alcohol don\u0027t actually have different effects. I trust their expertise, not because of the \u0027biology\u0027 part, but because of the \u0027grad student\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/understocked.png", "title": "Understocked", "day": "31" }, { "month": "8", "num": 618, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Asteroid", "transcript": "[[The panel appears like a news report.]]\n[[There is a picture of a rocket, captioned \u0027Breaking news\u0027]]\nNews-anchor: Astronomers have confirmed that the asteroid is headed for Earth.\n\nNews-anchor: NASA has launched a heroic mission to land a rover on the asteroid, drill into it, and destroy it with nuclear bombs.\n[[The picture of the rocket fills the panel. In an inset picture is the rover.]]\n\n[[A woman is sitting at an interface. A man stands next to it. Both are wearing headsets with microphones.]]\nWoman with headset: The robot has landed successfully and planted the nukes! We\u0027re saved!\nMan with headset: Hooray!\nVoice: We\u0027re heroes!\n\n[[Digital countdown.]]\n0:05...\n0:04...\n0:03...\n[[The Little Prince is looking at the NASA rover, which has drilled into the asteroid. Beside him is the rose, and a small volcano.]]\n\n{{Title text: My Deep Impact\nLittle Prince crossover fanfic has been poorly received by the community.}}", "alt": "My Deep Impact/Little Prince crossover fanfic has been poorly received by the community.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/asteroid.png", "title": "Asteroid", "day": "3" }, { "month": "8", "num": 619, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Supported Features", "transcript": "Man #1: It took a lot of work, but this latest Linux patch enables support for machines with 4,096 CPUs, up from the old limit of 1,024.\nMan #2: Do you have support for smooth full-screen Flash video yet?\nMan #1: No, but who uses \nthat?\n\n[[Man #2 is holding a laptop.]]\n\n{{Title text: I hear many of you finally have smooth Flash support, but me and my Intel card are still waiting on a kernel patch somewhere in the pipeline before we can watch Jon Stewart smoothly.}}", "alt": "I hear many of you finally have smooth Flash support, but me and my Intel card are still waiting on a kernel patch somewhere in the pipeline before we can watch Jon Stewart smoothly.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/supported_features.png", "title": "Supported Features", "day": "5" }, { "month": "8", "num": 620, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wings", "transcript": "Man: Titan\u0027s gravity is 14% of Earth\u0027s, and its atmosphere 50% denser.\n\nMan: So if you can generate 9% of your body weight in lift, you can fly on Titan.\n\nMan: With wings, a stage harness, a cable, and 91% of my bodyweight in in bricks, I want to test this.\n[[There is a heap of materials on the ground. The man is holding a stage harness.]]\n\n[[Large diagram of a bridge. A rope leads through pulleys tied to the bridge. One end goes to the man, one end to a pile of bricks.]]\n\n[[The man is standing with wings attached to his arms.]]\n\n[[The man flaps the wings, and appears to be floating.]]\n\n[[The man glides.]]\n\nMan: It works!\nWoman: Except you have two problems.\nMan: What?\n\nWoman: You used hot glue on your wing joints and you have friends into Greek mythology.\nMan: Huh?\n\n[[Black Hat Guy is standing on the bridge, with a large lamp labeled \u0027heat lamp\u0027 attached to a battery.]]\n\n[[The wing segments fall off the man and he tumbles downward.]]\n\n{{Title text: Please do not try any of this and die or get arrested.}}", "alt": "Please do not try any of this and die or get arrested.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wings.png", "title": "Wings", "day": "7" }, { "month": "8", "num": 621, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Superlative", "transcript": "Narrator: He has dreams.\n[[Man is gesturing to woman.]]\nMan: I was in this weird cross between work and my old house...\nNarrator: Which he\u0027ll tell you all about.\n\nNarrator: He can speak French.\nNarrator: Or could in high school, anyway.\nNarrator: A little.\nMan: Man, I knew all these tenses and stuff once.\n\nNarrator: His blog has four posts, all apologies for not posting more.\n[[The man is sitting at a desk, typing.]]\nMan: Sorry, I\u0027ve been trying to think of stuff to put here.\n\nNarrator: He is\nNarrator: The least interesting man in the world.\n[[The man is sitting at a table. Two women are paying no attention to him.]]\nMan: I don\u0027t always drink beer, but when I do, I stick to a glass or two. Any more and I feel sick.\n\n{{Title text: Stay while I recount the crazy TF2 kill I managed yesterday, my friends.}}", "alt": "Stay while I recount the crazy TF2 kill I managed yesterday, my friends.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/superlative.png", "title": "Superlative", "day": "10" }, { "month": "8", "num": 622, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Haiku Proof", "transcript": "[[Students are sitting at desks.]]\nStudent #1: How do you know there are an infinite number of primes?\nProfessor: I\u0027ll answer in haiku!\n\nProfessor: Top prime\u0027s divisors\u0027\n\n[[The professor floats into the air.]]\nProfessor: Product (plus one)\u0027s factors are...?\n\n[[The professor wafts over the students.]]\nProfessor: Q.E.D., bitches!\nStudent #2 ((in thought bubble)) Wow, after the 48-hour sleep-dep mark, lectures get \nreally\n interesting.\n\n{{Title text: After somewhere around 40 hours, there\u0027s no academic reason to go to the class. Only go for the hallucinations.}}", "alt": "After somewhere around 40 hours, there\u0027s no academic reason to go to the class. Only go for the hallucinations.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/haiku_proof.png", "title": "Haiku Proof", "day": "12" }, { "month": "8", "num": 623, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Oregon", "transcript": "History of 19th-Century Oregon\n[[Timeline, with relevant images next to each date.]]\n1805\n[[Two men stand at the edge of a cliff. One has a walking staff.]]\nArrival of Lewis \u0026 Clark\n\n1825\nEarly settlers arrive\n\n1841\nOregon trail established\n\n1843\nLarger western migration begins\n\n1848\n[[A horse is pulling a covered wagon. A gun peeks out the back.]]\nHuge wave of 500,000+ settlers arrives from Missouri. Largely children and adolescents, most bring nothing but cartloads of bullets for hunting.\n\n1849\n[[Two men with rifles aim at something.]]\nOverhunting begins to devastate ecosystem \nDysentery epidemic\n\n1850\n[[Tombstones. Bodies.]]\nShooting deaths skyrocket\nTyphoid epidemic\nMeasles epidemic\nCholera epidemic\n\n1851\nAll mammals larger than squirrels wiped out by overhunting.\nMassive famine\n\n1852\n[[Sun low over a land, devoid of life. Scattered remains of corpses.]]\nLast survivors flee\nOregon territory abandoned\n{{Title text: A century later, the harrowing flight of the survivors from Oregon was dramatized in a popular video game.}}", "alt": "A century later, the harrowing flight of the survivors from Oregon was dramatized in a popular video game.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/oregon.png", "title": "Oregon", "day": "14" }, { "month": "8", "num": 624, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Branding", "transcript": "Browsing without adblock\n[[A man is sitting at a computer.]]\n[[Pop-up window with red background.]]\nThe Facebook of SEX! Click now!\nMan: Sigh.\n\u003c\u003cClose\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Pop-up window with green background.]]\nTwitter for 18+ singles! Join today!\nMan: Does every porn site have to brant itself like this?\n\u003c\u003cClose\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Pop-up window with blue background.]]\nWe\u0027re like Google Reader for S\u0026M!\nMan: ((in italics)) Really?\n\u003c\u003cClose\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Pop-up window with orange background.]]\nTry the new GitHub for lesbians!\nMan: Ok, wait, what?\n\n{{Title text: Actually, \u0027RSS\u0026M\u0027 is kinda catchy.}}", "alt": "Actually, \u0027RSS\u0026M\u0027 is kinda catchy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/branding.png", "title": "Branding", "day": "17" }, { "month": "8", "num": 625, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Collections", "transcript": "Man: I now have every Discworld book!\nWoman: Eh. Building a Kindle collection seems pointless.\n\nMan: Yeah, I know the DRM means I\u0027ll probably lose them someday.\nWoman: No, pointless in general.\n\nWoman: Sure, you satisfy deep magpie-like urges by building neat collections, but you still die alone.\n\nMan: Sorry, sometimes I mistake your existential crises for technical insights.\nWoman: Sometimes I mistake this for a universe that cares.\n\n{{Title text: You know what really helps an existential crisis? Wondering how much shelf space to leave for a Terry Pratchett collection.}}", "alt": "You know what really helps an existential crisis? Wondering how much shelf space to leave for a Terry Pratchett collection.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/collections.png", "title": "Collections", "day": "19" }, { "month": "8", "num": 626, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Newton and Leibniz", "transcript": "Newton, 1666\n[[A guy with long white hair holds up a sheet of paper.]]\nNewton: I\u0027ve invented calculus!\n\nLeibniz, 1674\n[[A man with long black hair holds up a sheet of paper.]]\nLeibniz: I\u0027ve invented calculus!\n\nNewton: Really? Sounds a little bit...\n\n[[Newton puts on a pair of sunglasses.]]\n\nNewton: [[in italics]] Derivative.\n\n{{Title text: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!}}", "alt": "YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/newton_and_leibniz.png", "title": "Newton and Leibniz", "day": "21" }, { "month": "8", "num": 627, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tech Support Cheat Sheet", "transcript": "Narrator: Dear various parents, grandparents, co-workers, and other \"not computer people.\"\nNarrator: We don\u0027t magically know how to do everything in every program. When we help you\u0027 we\u0027re usually just doing this:\n\n[[There is a flowchart there. Numbers are included to improve clarity, and do not appear in the original.]]\n\nRectangle: Start. \n[[go to 1]]\n\n{{1. Diamond}} Find a menu item or button which looks related to what you want to do. \n[[I can\u0027t find one - go to 2]] \n[[ok - go to 3]]\n\n{{2. Diamond}} Pick one at random. \n[[I\u0027ve tried them all - go to 4]] \n[[Ok - go to 3]]\n\n{{3. Rectangle}} Click it. \n[[go to 5]]\n\n{{4. Rectangle}} Google the name of the program plus a few words related to what you want to do. Follow any instructions.\n[[go to 5]]\n\n{{5. Diamond}} Did it work?\n[[Yes - go to 8]]\n[[No - go to 6]]\n\n{{6. Diamond}} Have you been trying this for over half an hour?\n[[Yes - go to 7]]\n[[No - go to 1]]\n\n{{7. Rectangle}} Ask someone for help or give up.\n[[End of flowchart]]\n\n{{8. Rectangle}} You\u0027re done!\n[[End of flowchart]]\n\nNarrator: Please print this flowchart out and tape it near your screen. Congratulations; you\u0027re now the local computer expert!\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Hey Megan, it\u0027s your father. How do I print out a flowchart?\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Hey Megan, it\u0027s your father. How do I print out a flowchart?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tech_support_cheat_sheet.png", "title": "Tech Support Cheat Sheet", "day": "24" }, { "month": "8", "num": 628, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Psychic", "transcript": "Man: I\u0027m psychic, you know.\nWoman: There\u0027s no such thing.\n\nMan: Okay, think of a number from one to one hundred.\nWoman: Okay.\nMan: 43.\nWoman: Holy shit!\n\nMan: I try not to let it affect my life too much.\nWoman: Wait, I can\u0027t believe this.\n\nMan: Don\u0027t worry about it. Forget I said anything.\nWoman: But--\nMan: Let\u0027s get to the movie.\nWoman: I, uh... Ok, sure.\nNarrator: This trick may only work 1% of the time, but when it does, it\u0027s totally worth it.\n\n{{Title text: You can do a lot better than 1% if you start keeping track of the patterns in what numbers people pick.}}", "alt": "You can do a lot better than 1% if you start keeping track of the patterns in what numbers people pick.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/psychic.png", "title": "Psychic", "day": "26" }, { "month": "8", "num": 629, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Skins", "transcript": "[[Man is packing luggage.]]\nVoice: Where are you going?\nMan: Convention.\n\nVoice: What for?\nMan: Well, you know furries, right?\nVoice: Sure...\n[[Man closes suitcase.]]\n\nMan: We\u0027re furries whose animal identities have a thing for pretending to be humans.\nVoice: I see.\n\n[[A convention. People sit behind booths in the background.]]\nMan with glasses: How\u0027s the weather?\nWoman: Great! I\u0027ve been driving my car and having a job all day!\nMan with glasses: Did you meow?\nWoman: Not once!\n{{Title text: There\u0027s Livejournal drama between those who want to wear human suits over fursuits and those who just take off the fursuits.}}", "alt": "There\u0027s Livejournal drama between those who want to wear human suits over fursuits and those who just take off the fursuits.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/skins.png", "title": "Skins", "day": "28" }, { "month": "8", "num": 630, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time Travel", "transcript": "Woman: I\u0027ve traveled here from the year 1983 to say this:\nWoman: {{In italics}} Are there any bagels left?\n[[A man is eating something.]]\nNarrator: While it\u0027s technically true, I wish she\u0027d stop prefacing every sentence with that.\n{{Title text: She also starts every letter with \"Dear Future \u003cyour name\u003e\".}}", "alt": "She also starts every letter with \"Dear Future \u003cyour name\u003e\".", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time_travel.png", "title": "Time Travel", "day": "31" }, { "month": "9", "num": 631, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Anatomy Text", "transcript": "Plate 15: Female breast.\n[[There is a drawing of a breast, with \u0027breast\u0027, \u0027areola\u0027, and \u0027nipple\u0027 labeled.]]\n\nPlate 16: External female genitalia\n[[There is a picture of external female genitalia. \u0027labia majora\u0027, \u0027labia minora\u0027, \u0027clitoris\u0027, \u0027urethral opening\u0027, and \u0027vagina\u0027 are labeled.]]\nVoice #1: HEY!\n\nPlate 17: External male genitalia\n[[There is salt, ketchup, and mustard to one side.]]\nVoice #2: Shit!\nVoice #1: What the hell? You can\u0027t do that in here.\nVoice #2: Megan, get off the table!\nVoice #2: Grab the tripod!\n\nPlate 18: Erect Penis\n[[The picture appears to be at an angle.]]\nVoice #1: We\u0027re calling the cops!\nVoice #2: RUN!\nVoice #1: TGI Friday\u0027s is a family establishment!\n\n{{Title text: For many of the anatomy pictures on Wikipedia, I think this is actually not far from reality. They only look all formal and professional due to careful cropping.}}", "alt": "For many of the anatomy pictures on Wikipedia, I think this is actually not far from reality. They only look all formal and professional due to careful cropping.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/anatomy_text.png", "title": "Anatomy Text", "day": "2" }, { "month": "9", "num": 632, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Suspicion", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting at a computer, typing.]]\nMan: I\u0027ve loved our online chats these past few months, Lisa.\nComputer: Me too. I really like you, Rob.\n\n[[The man continues to type.]]\nMan: It\u0027s just... now and then you mention products you like, and... I worry.\nComputer: What? Honey...\n\n[[The man types.]]\nMan: Before this goes any further, I think we should go get tested. You know, together.\nComputer: You don\u0027t trust me?\nMan: I just want to be sure.\n\n[[A web browser is open.]]\nVK Couples Testing\nTest ID: 21871138\nWaiting...Partner connected.\n((A pair of CAPTCHA images))\n[You] Library\n[Partner] Kittens\nMan: Okay, mine says \"library\". Yours?\nComputer: I... uh...\nMan: Oh god.\nComputer: I\u0027m more than a spambot! Our love was real!\nMan: Goodbye, Lisa.\n{{Title text: Fine, walk away. I\u0027m gonna go cry into a pint of Ben\u0026Jerry\u0027s Brownie Batter(tm) ice cream [link], then take out my frustration on a variety of great flash games from PopCap Games(r) [link].}}", "alt": "Fine, walk away. I\u0027m gonna go cry into a pint of Ben\u0026Jerry\u0027s Brownie Batter(tm) ice cream [link], then take out my frustration on a variety of great flash games from PopCap Games(r) [link].", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/suspicion.png", "title": "Suspicion", "day": "4" }, { "month": "9", "num": 633, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blockbuster Mining", "transcript": "Man: We\u0027ve acquired some new rights, but I\u0027m not sure it\u0027s in the spirit to make it a blockbuster --\nVoice: Do it anyway. Take $100 million, hire Michael Bay.\nMan: But --\nVoice: [[in italics]] NEXT!\n\n[[Panel is inverted, white on black background.]]\nGirl: They said if I were captured I should take my own life.\nGirl: But I\u0027d just as soon take yours.\n[[Girl is pointing two handguns at two men with machine guns.]]\n\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\n[[Girl explodes off a cliff, carrying a rectangular object and a gun. In the background is a helicopter, some mountains, and the sea.]]\n\n[[Panel is inverted, white and red on black background.\nMan: Stop! I\u0027ll talk!\nGirl: No, I know everything, this is just for fun.\n[[Girl is holding a bloody pipe. Man is tied to a chair. There is blood pooling on the ground under the chair.]]\n\n[[Crosshairs follow a man.]]\nGirl: I\u0027ll be watching.\n\n[[The panel is inverted colour, white on black.]]\nHarriet\nthe\n[[in red]] SPY\n[[A bloody spiral notebook, with blood streaks leading from it.]]\n\n{{Title text: The 2007 Bridge to Terebithia trailer put me off too much to see that particular movie, but I am cautiously optimistic about Where the Wild Things Are.}}", "alt": "The 2007 Bridge to Terebithia trailer put me off too much to see that particular movie, but I am cautiously optimistic about Where the Wild Things Are.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blockbuster_mining.png", "title": "Blockbuster Mining", "day": "7" }, { "month": "9", "num": 634, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Date", "transcript": "[[Two people are sitting at a table, with a candle-lit dinner. The man is holding up a sheet of paper, and the woman is scribbling.]]\nMan: Both my parents were colorblind, so...\nWoman: Hey, if we made more than two, we\u0027d have a better-than-even chance of adorable red hair.\nMan: Ooh, and check this: green eyes!\nNarrator: Trivia: 30% of biologist first dates disintegrate into making Punnett squares.\n\n{{Title text: Well, the kid\u0027s definitely getting the biology geek phenotype.}}", "alt": "Well, the kid\u0027s definitely getting the biology geek phenotype.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/date.png", "title": "Date", "day": "9" }, { "month": "9", "num": 635, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Locke and Demosthenes", "transcript": "[[Valentine is laying on her back on the ground. Peter is feeding a squirrel.]]\nValentine: Ender\u0027s up there saving the world, but down here it\u0027s fallig apart politically. What can we do?\n\nPeter: I know -- we get on the nets and anonymously post political opinions. People reading our articles will see our intelligence, recognize how clear and logical our arguments are, and insist that we be put in charge, so we can fix everything!\nValentine: Brilliant!\n[[The squirrel is vomiting.]]\n\n[[A blog.]]\n((Header.))\nLOCKE\nPowered by Wordpress\n\n((Articles, partly scrolled down.))\n[...] which is why we must reach out to the Russian leadership.\n Posted at 3:15AM by Locke\n Comments (0)\n\n((In a larger font))\nThe Problem with China\nIn recent months much has been made of [...]\n\n((In a sidebar))\nRecent posts:\n\u003e\u003e A few thoughts on...\n Comments (0)\n\u003e\u003e Russian Aggression...\n Comments (1)\n\u003e\u003e Trade policy and the...\n Comments (0)\n\u003e\u003e And one more thing...\n Comments (0)\n\u003e\u003e Everyone\u0027s wrong about...\n Comments (1)\n\n((A list of links to other websites.))\nBlogroll:\n\u003e\u003e Demosthenes\n\u003e\u003e FiveThirtyEight\n\n{{Title text: Dear Peter Wiggin: This letter is to inform you that you have received enough upvotes on your reddit comments to become president of the world. Please be at the UN tomorrow at 8:00 sharp.}}", "alt": "Dear Peter Wiggin: This letter is to inform you that you have received enough upvotes on your reddit comments to become president of the world. Please be at the UN tomorrow at 8:00 sharp.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/locke_and_demosthenes.png", "title": "Locke and Demosthenes", "day": "10" }, { "month": "9", "num": 636, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brontosaurus", "transcript": "[[Two people are sitting at a bench. The woman is holding a turtle.]]\nWoman: Our love is like a turtle.\n\n[[The woman sets down the turtle and turns to her partner. They hold hands.]]\nWoman: Humble and simple, enduring by virtue of perfect design.\n\nPartner: Our love is like a brontosaurus.\n\nPartner: Recognized as a mistaken combination long ago, lingering only out of misplaced affection for an imagined past.\n\n{{Title text: Well, sex is like a velociraptor: despite your movie-fueled lifelong neurotic obsession, unlikely to be found in your house.}}", "alt": "Well, sex is like a velociraptor: despite your movie-fueled lifelong neurotic obsession, unlikely to be found in your house.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brontosaurus.png", "title": "Brontosaurus", "day": "14" }, { "month": "9", "num": 637, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scribblenauts", "transcript": "((In Scribblenauts word input format))\nLARGE HADRON COLLIDER\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\nWoman: Wow, Scribblenauts even lets you summon the LHC.\n\n[[A man is sitting at a computer. The woman talks from off-panel.]]\n\u003c\u003cFwoosh\u003e\u003e\nWoman: And it makes a black hole! This game rules.\nMan: I guess it\u0027s okay, for a DS kids game.\n\n((In Scribblenauts word input format))\nPRETENTIOUS ASSHOLE\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n[[The woman looks up.]]\nWoman: Oh, hi! It worked!\n\n{{Title text: Let me look away and type \u0027guy who\u0027s just jealous that I beat all his MarioKart times\u0027 and turn back, and ... yup, there you are again!}}", "alt": "Let me look away and type \u0027guy who\u0027s just jealous that I beat all his MarioKart times\u0027 and turn back, and ... yup, there you are again!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scribblenauts.png", "title": "Scribblenauts", "day": "16" }, { "month": "9", "num": 638, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Search", "transcript": "Ant: We\u0027ve searched dozens of these floor tiles for several common types of pheromone trails.\nAnt: If there were intelligent life up there, we would have seen its messages by now.\n\nThe world\u0027s first ant colony to achieve sentience calls off the search for us.\n\n{{Title text: I am so excited about the Kepler mission. This is the second most important thing our species has ever done, right behind inventing the concept of delivery pizza.}}", "alt": "I am so excited about the Kepler mission. This is the second most important thing our species has ever done, right behind inventing the concept of delivery pizza.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_search.png", "title": "The Search", "day": "18" }, { "month": "9", "num": 639, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lincoln-Douglas", "transcript": "[[Lincoln stands before an audience.]]\nHeckler: Oh yeah? Well, fourscore and seven years ago your MOM brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal!\n\nNarrator: After his 1860 loss to Lincoln, Stephen Douglas\u0027s famed debating skills entered a rapid decline.\n\n{{Title text: Stephen Douglas actually died soon after the debates and election, but if you demand historical accuracy in your webcomics you should be reading Hark! A Vagrant.}}", "alt": "Stephen Douglas actually died soon after the debates and election, but if you demand historical accuracy in your webcomics you should be reading Hark! A Vagrant.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lincoln_douglas.png", "title": "Lincoln-Douglas", "day": "21" }, { "month": "9", "num": 640, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tornado Hunter", "transcript": "[[Two people are in a car, which is driving past a cactus. The passenger has a pith helmet and a mustache.]]\nDriver: The tornado\u0027s three miles west, moving northeast at 15 mph.\nPassenger: Go right; get ahead of it.\n\n[[A tornado is visible. The passenger pulls out a gun, and stands up in the car.]]\nPassenger: Okay, we\u0027re in range! Stop here!\n\n[[The passenger fires a gun at the tornado.]]\n\u003c\u003cBANG\u003e\u003e\nTornado: AUGH!\n\nPassenger: Big one! Must be an F-3!\nDriver: I\u0027m not sure we\u0027re doing this right.\nPassenger: Help me mount it on the hood.\n[[The passenger is holding the tornado by its tail.]]\n\n{{Title text: The Fujita Scale was replaced by the Enhanced Fujita Scale in 2007, but I think \u0027EF-5\u0027 sounds stupid, so I vote we just use the new measurements for assigning numbers but still call them \u0027F-whatever\u0027.}}", "alt": "The Fujita Scale was replaced by the Enhanced Fujita Scale in 2007, but I think \u0027EF-5\u0027 sounds stupid, so I vote we just use the new measurements for assigning numbers but still call them \u0027F-whatever\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tornado_hunter.png", "title": "Tornado Hunter", "day": "23" }, { "month": "9", "num": 641, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Free", "transcript": "[[A shelf holds 3 boxes of cereal. Each box shows a bowl of cereal.]]\nGenCo Oat Cereal\nStayPuft Oat Cereal\nRedFarm Oat Cereal ((with additional text in a star)) Asbestos-free!\nNarrator: I hate whatever marketer first realized you could do this.\n\n{{Title text: Asbestos is bad; definitely get the one on the right. Wait -- this one over here has no swine flu! Now I can\u0027t decide.}}", "alt": "Asbestos is bad; definitely get the one on the right. Wait -- this one over here has no swine flu! Now I can\u0027t decide.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/free.png", "title": "Free", "day": "25" }, { "month": "9", "num": 642, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Creepy", "transcript": "[[Two people are sitting on chairs.]]\nMan: Hey, cute netbook.\nWoman: \nWhat.\n\n\nMan: Your laptop. I just --\nWoman: No, why are you talking to me.\n\nWoman: Who do you think you are? If I were even slightly interested, I\u0027d have shown it.\n\nWoman: Hey everyone, this dude\u0027s hitting on me.\nVoice #1: Haha\nVoice #2: Creepy\nVoice #3: Let\u0027s get his picture for Facebook to warn others.\n\n((This panel fades into a thought bubble of the actual man.))\n[[The girl is typing on her laptop.]]\nDear blog,\nCute boy on train still ignoring me.\n\n{{Title text: And I even got out my adorable new netbook!}}", "alt": "And I even got out my adorable new netbook!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/creepy.png", "title": "Creepy", "day": "28" }, { "month": "9", "num": 643, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ohm", "transcript": "[[A man is holding another by the shoulders.]]\nSitting man: Remember: With great power comes great current squared times resistance.\nNarrator: Ohm never forgot his dying uncle\u0027s advice.\n\n{{Title text: More generally, with great power comes great dEnergy\ndt.}}", "alt": "More generally, with great power comes great dEnergy/dt.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ohm.png", "title": "Ohm", "day": "30" }, { "month": "10", "num": 644, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Surgery", "transcript": "[[A surgeon is standing over a patient on a gurney.]]\nPatient: While you\u0027re doing the surgery, can you also implant this in my arm?\n\nSurgeon: A USB port?\nMan: Just wire it up to some nerves.\n\nSurgeon: ... This won\u0027t let your brain control USB devices, you know.\nMan: Sure -- I just want the hardware.\n\nMan: The rest is software; I\u0027m sure there will be a project to patch together support eventually.\nSurgeon: Ah -- you\u0027re a Linux user, I see.\nMan: Yeah, how\u0027d you know?\n\n{{Title text: Damn. Not only did he not install it, he sutured a \u0027Vista-Ready\u0027 sticker onto my arm.}}", "alt": "Damn. Not only did he not install it, he sutured a \u0027Vista-Ready\u0027 sticker onto my arm.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/surgery.png", "title": "Surgery", "day": "2" }, { "month": "10", "num": 645, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "Comic today\u0027s you confuses \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reverse_Polish_notation\"\u003ehere\u003c/a\u003e click if.", "safe_title": "RPS", "transcript": "[[A sausage is sitting to the right of an empty bun.]]\nReverse Polish Sausage.\n\n{{Title text: It looks good, but it needs more postfixins.}}", "alt": "It looks good, but it needs more postfixins.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rps.png", "title": "RPS", "day": "5" }, { "month": "10", "num": 646, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Conversations", "transcript": "[[A graph plots time vs. 3 lines.]]\n[[Dysentery cases starts high, drops to near zero with time.]]\n[[Laptop sales starts at zero, then raises.]]\n[[Frequency of conversations in which one participant is on the toilet - falls as dysentery cases falls, then rises again with laptop sales.]]\n\n{{Title text: If the dysentery graph looks historically inaccurate it\u0027s because I got all my data from Oregon Trail.}}", "alt": "If the dysentery graph looks historically inaccurate it\u0027s because I got all my data from Oregon Trail.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/conversations.png", "title": "Conversations", "day": "7" }, { "month": "10", "num": 647, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scary", "transcript": "[[Rob and his nephew are sitting on the ground. Rob is holding a flashlight up to his face.]]\nRob: But they NEVER FOUND THE GHOST\u0027S HEAD!\nNephew: Lame story, Uncle Rob.\nRob: And you could do scarier?\nNephew: Sure.\n\nRob: Try me.\nNephew: 9\n11 happened before I was born, yet I\u0027m old enoguh to have this conversation with you.\n\n[[Rob has dropped the flashlight.]]\n\n[[Rob has curled up and wrapped his arms around himself.]]\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m teaching every 8-year-old relative to say this, and every 14-year-old to do the same thing with Toy Story. Also, Pokemon hit the US over a decade ago and kids born after Aladdin came out will turn 18 next year.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m teaching every 8-year-old relative to say this, and every 14-year-old to do the same thing with Toy Story. Also, Pokemon hit the US over a decade ago and kids born after Aladdin came out will turn 18 next year.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scary.png", "title": "Scary", "day": "9" }, { "month": "10", "num": 648, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fall Foliage", "transcript": "[[A man and woman are standing on a cliff overlooking a forest of gorgeous orange foliage. She\u0027s holding up a camera, and he has the case.]]\n\nMan: Instead of driving all this way, we could\u0027ve just taken our summer pictures and messed with the \"hue\" slider in Photoshop.\"\nWoman: Hush.\nCamera: \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: And I could replace you with older pictures of you, from back when you looked happy.}}", "alt": "And I could replace you with older pictures of you, from back when you looked happy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fall_foliage.png", "title": "Fall Foliage", "day": "12" }, { "month": "10", "num": 649, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Static", "transcript": "[[It\u0027s dark. There are only the voices of a man and his lover.]]\n\nLover: Hang on, I can\u0027t see--did you put on a condom?\nMan: It\u0027s okay. I\u0027ve got a wrist thing on.\n\nLover: A what? Let me see that.\n\u003c\u003cfumble\u003e\u003e\nLover: This is an anti-static strap.\n\nMan: You mean it doesn\u0027t ...\nLover: No. Why would you even THINK that?\nMan: I guess I was mixed up.\n\nMan: Wait, so when I was replacing that RAM last week ...\nLover: Yeah, I THOUGHT that was weird.\nMan: Oh, but it explains why the geek squad fired me.\n\n{{Title text: I firmly believe that nothing can go wrong on a project if you\u0027re wearing one of those wrist things.}}", "alt": "I firmly believe that nothing can go wrong on a project if you\u0027re wearing one of those wrist things.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/static.png", "title": "Static", "day": "14" }, { "month": "10", "num": 650, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nowhere", "transcript": "[[A woman is sitting on a couch with a man lying in her lap.]]\nMan: There\u0027s nowhere I\u0027d rather be\nMan: than with you\nMan: here\nMan: right now.\n\n[[Silence.]]\n\n[[The woman is imagining herself riding an apatosaurus.]]\n\n{{Title text: I mean, seriously, NOWHERE? For starters, there are like a thousand species of dinosaur.}}", "alt": "I mean, seriously, NOWHERE? For starters, there are like a thousand species of dinosaur.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nowhere.png", "title": "Nowhere", "day": "16" }, { "month": "10", "num": 651, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bag Check", "transcript": "[[A man and woman are at a security checkpoint in an airport. A guard is holding an open backpack and a bottle of water, and the man is arguing with him.]]\nMan: But if you\u0027re worried about bombs, why are you letting me keep my laptop batteries? If I overvolted them and breached the cells, it would make a sizeable explosion.\nWoman: Oh god.\nMan: It\u0027s okay, dear. In a moment he\u0027ll realize I have a good point and return my water.\n\n{{Title text: A laptop battery contains roughly the stored energy of a hand grenade, and if shorted it ... hey! You can\u0027t arrest me if I prove your rules inconsistent!}}", "alt": "A laptop battery contains roughly the stored energy of a hand grenade, and if shorted it ... hey! You can\u0027t arrest me if I prove your rules inconsistent!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bag_check.png", "title": "Bag Check", "day": "19" }, { "month": "10", "num": 652, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "More Accurate", "transcript": "[[A man with a shotgun approaches a woman.]]\nMan: Sarah! Come with me if you want to live! A robot assassin has been sent here to kill you!\n\n[[The woman holds her hands over her mouth.]]\nMan: I\u0027m here to save you. I may not be as strong or fast as a machine, but I\u0027ll fight to keep you --\n\n[[There\u0027s a huge orange and yellow explosion. The two are disintegrated.]]\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\n\n[[A flying robot assassin is above the bomb site.]]\n\n{{Title text: We live in a world where there are actual fleets of robot assassins patrolling the skies. At some point there, we left the present and entered the future.}}", "alt": "We live in a world where there are actual fleets of robot assassins patrolling the skies. At some point there, we left the present and entered the future.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/more_accurate.png", "title": "More Accurate", "day": "21" }, { "month": "10", "num": 653, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "So Bad It\u0027s Worse", "transcript": "Protip: Even at \"Bad Movie Night,\" avoid the Star Wars holiday special.\n[[A graph plots movie enjoyability against movie quality. It drops steadily through points marked \"Good Movie\" to \"Okay Movie\" to \"Bad Movie,\" rises up again for \"So-Bad-It\u0027s-Good (Plan 9, Rocky Horror, etc),\" and then drops off the bottom of a graph with an arrow pointing to where \"Star Wars Holiday Special\" would be. There are three mini-panels below the graph, arranged from \"Good\" to \"Bad\" along the movie quality axis.]]\n[[Three friends are on a couch, drinking and gesticulating enthusiastically.]]\n[[The same three are sitting quietly, with a bottle on the floor.]]\n[[The three are sitting around a table, drinking and looking miserable.]]\n\n{{Title text: You think it\u0027s so legendarily bad that you\u0027ll torrent it and sit through it just for the kitschy nerd cred. I, too, once thought as you did.}}", "alt": "You think it\u0027s so legendarily bad that you\u0027ll torrent it and sit through it just for the kitschy nerd cred. I, too, once thought as you did.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/so_bad_its_worse.png", "title": "So Bad It\u0027s Worse", "day": "23" }, { "month": "10", "num": 654, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nachos", "transcript": "[[A man is on the phone with a woman, who\u0027s on her computer in the other half of a split panel.]]\nMan: Hello? ... Oh, hey. Looking for Megan? She\u0027s gaming.\nWoman: I know. You know what\u0027s delicious? Nachos.\n\n[[The woman clicks on her computer while talking.]]\nWoman: When you layer the cheese so it gets on every chip ... then smother them in sour cream and salsa ...\n\nMan: Mm, that IS delicious. And I\u0027ve got the ingredients, too!\nWoman, on phone: You should make some!\nMan: I will!\nWoman, on phone: Hurry.\n\n[[The man is making nachos in the microwave.]]\nMicrowave: \u003c\u003cbeep\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cbeep\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cwhirrrr\u003e\u003e\n\nMegan, at her computer: My wifi signal!\n\n[[The woman who called is at her computer.]]\nComputer: Boom! Headshot.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Cheater!\u0027 \u0027Hey, gaming on wifi? You have only yourself to blame.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Cheater!\u0027 \u0027Hey, gaming on wifi? You have only yourself to blame.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nachos.png", "title": "Nachos", "day": "26" }, { "month": "10", "num": 655, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Climbing", "transcript": "[[A man is apparently ascending a climbing wall.]]\n\n[[We see him again in silhouette, as well as the edge of another person standing at a ninety degree angle to him with her feet on the wall above him.]]\n\n[[The \"climber\" stops and looks up at the woman, who is standing on the \"vertical\" wall, looking at him.]]\n\nWoman: Your facebook rock climbing pictures just got a lot less impressive.\n\n{{Title text: Where did you even get this wall? Return it there and stand it back up right now.}}", "alt": "Where did you even get this wall? Return it there and stand it back up right now.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/climbing.png", "title": "Climbing", "day": "28" }, { "month": "10", "num": 656, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "October 30th", "transcript": "[[A kid dressed up in a lab coat and goggles is standing on a neighbor\u0027s doorstep.]]\nKid: Trick or treat!\nNeighbor: Nice Doc Brown costume, but today\u0027s October 30th.\nKid: Great Scott, I must have overshot!\n\n{{Title text: Not enough houses on your block? Just hit them at 30-year intervals from here to 2300 and get 10x the candy.}}", "alt": "Not enough houses on your block? Just hit them at 30-year intervals from here to 2300 and get 10x the candy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/october_30th.png", "title": "October 30th", "day": "30" }, { "month": "11", "num": 657, "link": "https://xkcd.com/657/large/", "year": "2009", "news": "This comic is also available as a poster \u003ca href=\"https://store.xkcd.com/collections/posters/products/movie-narrative-charts-poster\"\u003ehere\u003c/a\u003e!\u003cbr /\u003eClick on today\u0027s comic to view the full-size version!", "safe_title": "Movie Narrative Charts", "transcript": "These charts show movie character interactions. The horizontal axis is time. The vertical grouping of the lines indicates which characters are together at a given time.\n\n[[Lord of the Rings. A mass of colored lines weaves back and forth across the chart, representing various characters. Sauron is represented by a huge black bar at the bottom with branches for nazgul, orcs, etc. Major locations (Moria) and plot points (the breaking of the fellowship) are marked. Gandalf, especially at the beginning, jumps all over the map in a short time. Eagles appear and then disappear a couple of times. Treebeard\u0027s line is flat except for the march to Isengard. At the end, the ship to the West drifts off into a corner.]]\n\n[[Star Wars (original trilogy). This chart is simpler. Luke, mostly accompanied by R2-D2, joins and parts from other sets of characters. There\u0027s a dotted alternative path on Jabba\u0027s line for the special edition. Yoda appears about halfway through (where Luke\u0027s Jedi training is marked). All the surviving lines group up at Endor except for Vader, the Emperor, Luke, and Lando; after the climactic duel, the latter two join the rest.]]\n\n[[Jurassic Park. The human characters are in black; dinosaurs are in red. Dilophosaurus appears briefly to eat Nedry and then fades out again. The three raptors are together at the beginning, but split up about halfway through. One has a dotted portion of line between \"locked up\" and \"escapes.\" In the meantime, they cut off the lines of Arnold and Muldoon. The raptor lines all end when t-rex\u0027s swoops down to meet them at the end, and all the surviving humans leave together.]]\n\n[[12 Angry Men. The lines are labeled Juror 1 through Juror 12. They are all perfectly horizontal and parallel.]]\n\n[[Primer. Three lines start on the left labeled Abe, Aaron, and Granger. They enter a mass of scribbling. Somewhere vaguely towards the end, three lines emerge and fade out, all labeled with question marks.]]\n\n{{Title text: In the LotR map, up and down correspond LOOSELY to northwest and southeast respectively.}}", "alt": "In the LotR map, up and down correspond LOOSELY to northwest and southeast respectively.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/movie_narrative_charts.png", "title": "Movie Narrative Charts", "day": "2" }, { "month": "11", "num": 658, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Orbitals", "transcript": "[[A person is holding up a pointer in front of a diagram of a dorm apartment. On the diagram, there are two connected pairs of dots in each bedroom, and one dot on the couch.]]\nPerson: Thus, one all the dorm bedrooms are occupied by romantic pairs, additional roommates are forced into less restful \"living room couch\" orbitals.\nThe Pauli Sexclusion Principle\n\n{{Title text: Except the people filtering in late are the partiers, so you end up with drunkn makeouts in the living room and the next roommate to return home has to sleep in the hall lounge orbital.}}", "alt": "Except the people filtering in late are the partiers, so you end up with drunken makeouts in the living room and the next roommate to return home has to sleep in the hall lounge orbital.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/orbitals.png", "title": "Orbitals", "day": "4" }, { "month": "11", "num": 659, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lego", "transcript": "[[A girl and her father are putting away Lego bricks.]]\nFather: When you take apart a Lego house and mix the pieces into the bin, where does the house go?\nGirl: It\u0027s in the bin.\n\nFather: No, those are just pieces. They could become spaceships or trains. The house was an arrangement. The arrangement doesn\u0027t stay with the pieces and it doesn\u0027t go anywhere else. It\u0027s just gone.\n\n[[The girl, older, is standing at a desk. She\u0027s holding a couple of Lego bricks.]]\n\n[[The girl looks at the bricks.]]\n\n[[She checks off a box next to the words \"Organ Donor\" on something on the desk.]]\n\n{{Title text: Dad, where is Grandpa right now?}}", "alt": "Dad, where is Grandpa right now?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lego.png", "title": "Lego", "day": "6" }, { "month": "11", "num": 660, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sympathy", "transcript": "[[A bereaved person and his friend are talking.]]\nBereaved: The moment my brother died, I felt a searing pain in my heart.\n\nRight:\nFriend: I\u0027m so sorry.\n\nWrong:\nFriend: Was it instant, or was there a speed-of-light delay?\n\nVery Wrong:\nFriend: If it was instant, with the right arrangement of moving reference frames, we could use this to send signals back in time and violate causality! How many remaining siblings do you have?\n\n{{Title text: Excellent recovery: ... which we could try to use to somehow save your original brother!}}", "alt": "Excellent recovery: ... which we could try to use to somehow save your original brother!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sympathy.png", "title": "Sympathy", "day": "9" }, { "month": "11", "num": 661, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Two-Party System", "transcript": "[[A girl stands at a podium, giving a speech.]]\nGirl: And if I\u0027m elected, I\u0027ll try to fix some of these problems.\nBoy, off-panel: Yeah, right!\n\n[[A boy in the audience is standing on his chair.]]\nBoy: The REAL problem is the corporate-run two party system. Until we fix THAT, we\u0027ll have no real change!\n\nGirl: Billy, I\u0027m running for class president. We don\u0027t even have political parties.\n\nBoy: That\u0027s because the two-praty, uh ... estab ... uh.\n\nGirl: Billy, did you learn about politics from the internet?\nBoy: I thought that one reply was all I ever needed!\n\n{{Title text: I favor approval voting or IRV chiefly because they mean we might get to bring back The Bull Moose party.}}", "alt": "I favor approval voting or IRV chiefly because they mean we might get to bring back The Bull Moose party.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/two_party_system.png", "title": "Two-Party System", "day": "11" }, { "month": "11", "num": 662, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "iPhone or Droid", "transcript": "[[A woman sitting at her computer is talking to a man standing behind her.]]\nWoman: Well, it depends what you want. The iPhone wins on speed and polish, but the Droid has that gorgeous screen and physical keyboard.\n\nMan: What if I want something more than the pale facsimile of fulfillment brought by a parade of ever-fancier toys? To spend my life restlessly producing instead of sedately consuming?\nMan: Is there an app for THAT?\n\nWoman: Yeah, on both.\nWoman: Wait, no, looks lke it was rejected from the iPhone store.\nMan: Droid it is, then.\n\n{{Title text: It may be a fundamentally empty experience, but holy crap the Droid\u0027s 265 ppi screen is amazing.}}", "alt": "It may be a fundamentally empty experience, but holy crap the Droid\u0027s 265 ppi screen is amazing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/iphone_or_droid.png", "title": "iPhone or Droid", "day": "13" }, { "month": "11", "num": 663, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sagan-Man", "transcript": "Bitten by a radioactive Carl Sagan in 1995, Sagan-Man possesses the powers and abilities of Carl Sagan.\n\nVictim, off-panel: Help! Thief!\n\n[[Sagan-Man spins around. A blue cape appears on his back.]]\n\n[[Sagan-Man runs towards the direction of the shout.]]\n\n[[He encounters the thief, holding a purse.]]\nSagan-Man: Hey, you!\nThief: What?\n\nSagan-Man: Do you realize just how crazy it is that we\u0027ve BEEN TO THE MOON?\n\n{{Title text: They laugh now, but within 10 years the city\u0027s entire criminal class will have quit to work on space research.}}", "alt": "They laugh now, but within 10 years the city\u0027s entire criminal class will have quit to work on space research.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sagan-man.png", "title": "Sagan-Man", "day": "16" }, { "month": "11", "num": 664, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Academia vs. Business", "transcript": "[[A programmer sits at a desk in front of a computer. There are cans on the desk and more crushed ones on the floor.]]\nProgrammer: I just wrote the most beautiful code of my life.\n\nProgrammer: They casually handed me an impossible problem. In 48 hours and 200 lines, I SOLVED it.\n\n((Lines divide the comic into two possible end panels here, labeled \"Academia\" and \"Business.\"))\n\n[[Academia]]\nProfessor: My god ... this will mean a half-dozen papers, a thesis or two, and a paragraph in every textbook on queueing theory!\n\n[[Business]]\nBoss: You got the program to stop jamming up? Great. While you\u0027re fixing stuff, can you get Outlook to sync with our new phones?\n\n{{Title text: Some engineer out there has solved P=NP and it\u0027s locked up in an electric eggbeater calibration routine. For every 0x5f375a86 we learn about, there are thousands we never see.}}", "alt": "Some engineer out there has solved P=NP and it\u0027s locked up in an electric eggbeater calibration routine. For every 0x5f375a86 we learn about, there are thousands we never see.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/academia_vs_business.png", "title": "Academia vs. Business", "day": "18" }, { "month": "11", "num": 665, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Prudence", "transcript": "[[A girl is running towards a closed wardrobe.]]\nSomeone off-panel: Everyone hide! 99 ... 98 ... 97 ...\n\n[[The girl opens the wardrobe.]]\nWardrobe: \u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n\nGirl, looking inside: !!!\n\n[[The girl looks thoughtful.]]\n\n[[The girl walks away.]]\n\n[[The girl returns with an armful of electronics.]]\n\n[[The girl is kneeling, typing on a laptop, which has a cord extending into the wardrobe.]]\n\n[[A robotic probe is approaching Mr. Tumnus, the faun, under the lamppost in narnia.]]\n\n{{Title text: Moments later, the White Witch rolls up and, confused, tries to tempt the probe with a firmware upgrade.}}", "alt": "Moments later, the White Witch rolls up and, confused, tries to tempt the probe with a firmware upgrade.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/prudence.png", "title": "Prudence", "day": "20" }, { "month": "11", "num": 666, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Silent Hammer", "transcript": "[[Hat guy is hammering something on a table.]]\nGuy: What--\nHat Guy: Silent hammer. I\u0027ve made a set of silent tools.\nGuy: Why?\nHammer: \u003c\u003cwhoosh whoosh whoosh\u003e\u003e\n\nHat Guy: Stealth carpentry. Breaking into a house at night and moving windows, adjusting walls, etc.\n[[He takes his silent hammer over to a tool bench with other things on it. Two boxes underneath are labeled \"Drills\" and \"Non-Drills.\"]]\n\nHat Guy, narrating: After a week or so of questioning his own sanity, the owner will stay up to watch the house at night. I\u0027ll make scratching noises in the walls, pipe in knockout gas, move him up to his bed, and never bother him again.\n[[The events he\u0027s describing are shown in two mini-panels below.]]\n\nGuy, off-panel: Nice prank, I guess, but what\u0027s the point?\nHat Guy: Check out the owner\u0027s card, on the table.\nGuy, off-panel: Chair of the American Skeptics Society? Oh, god.\nHat guy: Yeah, this doesn\u0027t end well for him.\n\n{{Title text: I bet he\u0027ll keep quiet for a couple weeks and then-- wait, did you nail a piece of scrap wood to my antique table a moment ago?}}", "alt": "I bet he\u0027ll keep quiet for a couple weeks and then-- wait, did you nail a piece of scrap wood to my antique table a moment ago?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/silent_hammer.png", "title": "Silent Hammer", "day": "23" }, { "month": "11", "num": 667, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "SkiFree", "transcript": "[[We see a screenshot of SkiFree, with the abominable snowman running towards the player]]\n\n[[A girl is sitting at her computer.]]\nGirl: (thinking) I\u0027ve always thought of the SkiFree monster as a metaphor for the inevitability of death.\n\n[[Her friend comes up behind her.]]\nFriend: SkiFree, huh? You know, you can press \"F\" to go faster than the monster and escape.\n\n[[The screenshot again. The player is zooming away from the monster.]]\n\n[[The girl sits at her computer in silence.]]\n\n{{Title text: And from that day on, I wore this little \u0027F\u0027 key pendant everywhere I went.}}", "alt": "And from that day on, I wore this little \u0027F\u0027 key pendant everywhere I went.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/skifree.png", "title": "SkiFree", "day": "25" }, { "month": "11", "num": 668, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pandora", "transcript": "[[There is a venn diagram of two circles. The left circle is labeled \"Music You Like.\" The right circle is labeled \"Deeply Embarrassing Music.\" The segment on the left is labeled \"What Pandora Plays,\" and the intersection is labeled \"What Pandora Plays If Anyone Is Around.\"]]\n\n{{Title text: What? Oh, no, the \u0027Enchanted\u0027 soundtrack was just playing because Pandora\u0027s algorithms are terrible. [silence] ... (quietly) That\u0027s how you knooooooow ...}}", "alt": "What? Oh, no, the \u0027Enchanted\u0027 soundtrack was just playing because Pandora\u0027s algorithms are terrible. [silence] ... (quietly) That\u0027s how you knooooooow ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pandora.png", "title": "Pandora", "day": "27" }, { "month": "11", "num": 669, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Experiment", "transcript": "[[Darkness.]]\n\n[[Someone is standing next to a laptop, looking groggy.]]\nPerson: Ugh ...\nPerson: What happened?\n\nPerson: Where am I?\n\u003c\u003cFWOOOOOOSH\u003e\u003e\nPerson: Help! Someone help me--\n[[His speech fades out into nothing.]]\n\n[[He holds his hands to his mouth.]]\n\n[[He looks shocked.]]\n\n[[He tries to run, but has no traction against the ground.]]\n\n[[He falls over.]]\n\n[[He lies prone.]]\n\n[[Hat guy and hat girl are watching this scene from outside the room. He is holding a clipboard.]]\nHat Guy: Huh. Looks like physics professors don\u0027t like working in frictionless vacuums after all.\nHat Girl: They\u0027re such liars.\n\n{{Title text: The other two are still lost on the infinite plane of uniform density.}}", "alt": "The other two are still lost on the infinite plane of uniform density.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/experiment.png", "title": "Experiment", "day": "30" }, { "month": "12", "num": 670, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Spinal Tap Amps", "transcript": "[[Nigel Tufnel of Spinal Tap is showing off his amplifier to a person, who varies.]]\nNigel: These amps go to 11.\nPerson: Is that louder?\nNigel: It\u0027s one louder.\n\nNormal Person:\nNormal Person: Why not make 10 louder and make 10 the highest?\n\nEngineer:\nEngineer: But 11 doesn\u0027t have any units. It\u0027s an arbitrary scale mapping otuputs--\nNigel: Zzzz\n\nSmart Engineer:\nSmart Engineer: For $2,000 I\u0027ll build you one that goes to 12.\n\n{{Title text: Wow, that\u0027s less than $200 per ... uh ... that\u0027s a good deal!}}", "alt": "Wow, that\u0027s less than $200 per ... uh ... that\u0027s a good deal!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spinal_tap_amps.png", "title": "Spinal Tap Amps", "day": "2" }, { "month": "12", "num": 671, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stephen and Me", "transcript": "[[Beret Guy is speaking into a mic in front of a sign that says Volvo Cars. A woman is filming him, and another is walking by with a briefcase.]]\nBeret Guy: I\u0027m documenting my quest to meet with the CEO of Volvo.\nBusinesswoman: Get lost.\n\n[[Security guards are attempting to restrain Beret Guy and the camerawoman.]]\nBeret Guy: Wait! I\u0027ve come so far! Just let me see him!\n\n[[They\u0027ve reached the CEO\u0027s desk, which has the Volvo logo on it.]]\nCEO: All right, you\u0027ve reached me. What is it you want to talk about?\n\nBeret Guy: Do you realize how much your company\u0027s name sounds like \"vulva\"?\nCEO: Security?\n\n{{Title text: Hey, let go! We were all thinking it! Someone had to speak truth to power!}}", "alt": "Hey, let go! We were all thinking it! Someone had to speak truth to power!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stephen_and_me.png", "title": "Stephen and Me", "day": "4" }, { "month": "12", "num": 672, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Suggestions", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting at his computer. Facebook sidebar messages appear on the top of each panel, with a user photo and a few lines of text.]]\nFacebook: Susie \n Reconnect with her \n (phone icon) Send her a text\nMan: Come on, Facebook. I know I shouldn\u0027t.\n\nFacebook: Susie \n She\u0027d come over \n (bed icon) You don\u0027t have to fall asleep alone.\nMan: It\u0027s been so hard to stop. But she\u0027s falling for me, and I can\u0027t keep getting her hopes up like this.\n\nFacebook: Susie \n Life is complicated \n (icon of stick figures embracing) She\u0027s so warm against you. You both want it.\nMan: (pulling out phone) Maybe if I just make it clear it\u0027s not going to be a thing ...\nMan: Yeah, we\u0027ll just have a talk.\n\nFacebook: Susie \n Oh yeah. Mmm ... \n (webcam icon) Leave your webcam on so I can watch.\nMan: Okay, this feature is getting creepier and creepier.\n\n{{Title text: An hour later: SUGGESTION: LICK HER NIPPLE MORE.}}", "alt": "An hour later: SUGGESTION: LICK HER NIPPLE MORE.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/suggestions.png", "title": "Suggestions", "day": "7" }, { "month": "12", "num": 673, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Sun", "transcript": "Coming this March from the makers of The Core ...\n[[A woman is looking through a telescope in an observatory. Two men are nearby.]]\nWoman: The sun\u0027s fusion is failing!\nMan 1: (small) Does that make sense?\nMan 2: (small) Whatever.\n\nWoman: If we don\u0027t send a ship to restart it, it could go out completely!\nMan 1: Call NASA!\nMan 2: (on the phone) Assemble our hottest astronauts.\n\n[[Four astronauts stand at the other end of the phone. The one holding the handset has the helmet of a space suit under his arm.]]\nAstronaut: The earth bathed in eternal darkness? A night without a dawn? Not on my watch!\nAstronaut: Saddle up.\n\n[[The four astronauts are shown in silhouette on gray, casting huge shadows towards the bottom of the panel from the sun in the center.]]\nIt\u0027s DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME.\n(caption) Never fall back.\n\n{{Title text: Obligatory bad guy: This operation is sheer foolishness, and it\u0027s not happening on my watch! Mainly because I can\u0027t figure out how to adjust the time.}}", "alt": "Obligatory bad guy: This operation is sheer foolishness, and it\u0027s not happening on my watch! Mainly because I can\u0027t figure out how to adjust the time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_sun.png", "title": "The Sun", "day": "9" }, { "month": "12", "num": 674, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Natural Parenting", "transcript": "[[A man and woman are standing with a baby in between them.]]\nMan: Oh man, we made a baby.\nWoman: Don\u0027t panic. Don\u0027t panic.\nBaby: Baby!\n\nMan: Parenting can\u0027t be that hard. Let\u0027s just do what comes naturally.\n\n[[Beat frame.]]\n\nSoon:\n[[There are now two babies in between them.]]\nWoman: Aw, crap.\n\n{{Title text: On one hand, every single one of my ancestors going back billions of years has managed to figured it out. On the other hand, that\u0027s the mother of all sampling biases.}}", "alt": "On one hand, every single one of my ancestors going back billions of years has managed to figure it out. On the other hand, that\u0027s the mother of all sampling biases.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/natural_parenting.png", "title": "Natural Parenting", "day": "11" }, { "month": "12", "num": 675, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Revolutionary", "transcript": "Person: Yes, science is an open process in which a good idea can come from anybody.\n\nPerson: Yes, widely-believed theories are \non occasion\n overturned by simple thought experiments.\n\nPerson: And yes, your philosophy degree equips you to ask interesting questions sometimes.\n\n[[The person is talking to a philosopher with a goatee, who is sitting at a computer.]]\nPerson: But you did not just overturn special relativity, a subject you learned about an hour ago, with your \"racecar on a train\" idea.\nPhilosopher: You just don\u0027t like that I\u0027m turning a rational eye to your dogma. Hey, what\u0027s the email for the president of physics?\n\n{{Title text: I mean, what\u0027s more likely -- that I have uncovered fundamental flaws in this field that no one in it has ever thought about, or that I need to read a little more? Hint: it\u0027s the one that involves less work.}}", "alt": "I mean, what\u0027s more likely -- that I have uncovered fundamental flaws in this field that no one in it has ever thought about, or that I need to read a little more? Hint: it\u0027s the one that involves less work.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/revolutionary.png", "title": "Revolutionary", "day": "14" }, { "month": "12", "num": 676, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Abstraction", "transcript": "[[A person is sitting at a computer.]]\nAn x64 processor is screaming along at billions of cycles per second to run the XNU kernel, which is frantically working through all the POSIX-specified abstraction to create the Darwin system underlying OS X, which in turn is straining itself to run Firefox and its Gecko renderer, which creates a Flash object which renders dozens of video frames every second\nbecause I wanted to see a cat jump into a box and fall over.\nI am a god.\n\n{{Title text: If I\u0027m such a god, why isn\u0027t Maru *my* cat?}}", "alt": "If I\u0027m such a god, why isn\u0027t Maru *my* cat?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/abstraction.png", "title": "Abstraction", "day": "16" }, { "month": "12", "num": 677, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Asshole", "transcript": "[[A couple watches Beret Guy drive by in an SUV.]]\nMan: Look at that asshole in his SUV, thinking he\u0027s so badass while he guzzles gas driving around suburbia.\nBeret Guy: Oh no! Am I an asshole? I hope not.\n\n[[Beret Guy trades in his keys at the dealership.]]\n\n[[Now he is driving by in a hybrid sedan.]]\nMan: Look at that smug asshole thinking he\u0027s better than us because he drives a hybrid.\nBeret Guy: ...\n\n[[He trades in his keys again.]]\n\n[[The couple is standing.]]\nOff-panel: \u003c\u003cRUMBLE\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Beret Guy drives a backhoe in and smacks the couple out of the panel with the digger.]]\n\n[[He drives off, whistling.]]\n\n{{Title text: [Shortly thereafter, at a nearby bakery] ::CRASH:: ::RUMBLE:: ::VRRRRRR:: \u0027... I don\u0027t know, officer. It just scooped up an entire rack of scones and drove away!\u0027}}", "alt": "[Shortly thereafter, at a nearby bakery] ::CRASH:: ::RUMBLE:: ::VRRRRRR:: \u0027... I don\u0027t know, officer. It just scooped up an entire rack of scones and drove away!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/asshole.png", "title": "Asshole", "day": "18" }, { "month": "12", "num": 678, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Researcher Translation", "transcript": "((A table showing two columns. The left column is labeled \"If a researcher says a cool new technology should be available to consumers in...\", and the right column is labeled \"What they mean is...\"))\n[[The fourth quarter of next year - The project will be canceled in six months.]]\n[[Five years - I\u0027ve solved the interesting research problems. The rest is just business, which is easy, right?]]\n[[Ten years - We haven\u0027t finished inventing it yet, but when we do, it\u0027ll be awesome.]]\n[[25+ years - It has not been conclusively proven impossible.]]\n[[We\u0027re not really looking at market applications right now. - I like being the only one with a hovercar.]]\n{{Title text: A technology that is \u002720 years away\u0027 will be 20 years away indefinitely.}}", "alt": "A technology that is \u002720 years away\u0027 will be 20 years away indefinitely.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/researcher_translation.png", "title": "Researcher Translation", "day": "21" }, { "month": "12", "num": 679, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Christmas Plans", "transcript": "[[Character A is standing behind Character B, who is sitting at a computer.]]\nCharacter A: Hey, will you be in town the day after Christmas?\nCharacter B: Couldn\u0027t say - I\u0027m Jewish.\nCharacter A: But.. how does being Jewish keep you from knowing your plans?\nCharacter B: I know my plans - I just don\u0027t know when Christmas is.\nCharacter A: Really? Why not look it up?\nCharacter B: Well, I\u0027m also a physicist.\nCharacter A: So?\nCharacter B: I believe that since I don\u0027t observe Christmas, it can\u0027t have a definite date.\n{{Title text: Physicists who want to protect traditional Christmas realize that the only way to keep from changing Christmas is not to observe it.}}", "alt": "Physicists who want to protect traditional Christmas realize that the only way to keep from changing Christmas is not to observe it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/christmas_plans.png", "title": "Christmas Plans", "day": "23" }, { "month": "12", "num": 680, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "December 25th", "transcript": "[[On one side, a family of four gathered around a Christmas tree, the daughter and son looking excitedly at the presents under the tree; on the other, a character wearing a party hat, sitting dejectedly before a birthday cake. The panel edges are decorated with holly and a wreath.]]\nHappy Birthday to those of you born on the 25th!\nSorry you get kinda shafted by the overlap with Christmas.\n{{Title text: If you\u0027re turning 27 and were born in the Northeast, maybe you were conceived in the blizzard of 1982. Imagine: snowed in, candles, massage oil, your mom sporting nothing but her early 80\u0027s haircut and a smile ... aren\u0027t you glad you read the title-text?}}", "alt": "If you\u0027re turning 27 and were born in the Northeast, maybe you were conceived in the April blizzard of 1982. Imagine: snowed in, candles, massage oil, your mom sporting nothing but her early 80\u0027s haircut and a smile ... aren\u0027t you glad you read the title-text?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/december_25th.png", "title": "December 25th", "day": "25" }, { "month": "12", "num": 681, "link": "https://xkcd.com/681_large/", "year": "2009", "news": "Click on the comic to view the full-size version.", "safe_title": "Gravity Wells", "transcript": "((A schematic of the depths of the gravity wells of each planet in the solar system and several moons. At extreme left, an arrow pointing down and to the left, labeled \"To Sun, very very far down\". From left to right the gravity wells depicted are: Mercury; Venus; Earth, 5,478 km; Moon, 288 km; Mars, 1,286 km; Ganymede; Io; Jupiter; Europa; Titan, with two small bumps captioned \"WEEOOOEEOOOEEEOOO\"; Saturn, with its rings depicted as various-colored horizontal bands; Uranus; and Neptune, with a figure exclaiming, \"An even more glorious dawn awaits!\"\n\nInset below Earth, the Moon, and Mars are three panels depicting Mars\u0027, Deimos\u0027s, and Phobos\u0027s gravity wells. The Mars inset shows Mars\u0027 gravity well, 1,286 km deep, in relation to its moons, Deimos and Phobos, and a NASA Mars Exploration Rover. The Deimos inset shows Deimos\u0027 gravity well and a person, labeled \"to scale\"; the gravity well is approximately two thirds the height of the person, and the caption reads, \"You could escape Deimos with a bike and a ramp.\" The Phobos inset is similar, except that the gravity well is approximately three times the height of the person included for scale, and reads, \"A thrown baseball could escape Phobos.\"\n\nTo the right of Jupiter\u0027s gravity well is a diagram of a well. The height of the well is labeled \"very deep\"; at the bottom is a figure labeled \"your mom\"; and three figures, labeled \"local football team\", are shown falling in head first. Beneath that, the text reads, \"Jupiter is not much larger than Saturn, but much more massive. At its size, adding more mass just makes it denser due to the extra squeezing of gravity. If you dropped a few dozen more Jupiters into it, the pressure would ignite fusion and make it a star.\"\n\nAt the right of the panel is an inset diagram detailing Earth\u0027s gravity well, which is labeled as being 6,379 km deep. Also depicted are the altitudes of low Earth orbit, the ISS, the Space Shuttle, GPS satellites, geosynchronous orbit, and the Moon\u0027s gravity well, 288 km deep. A figure standing on the Earth\u0027s \"surface\" says, \"This is why it took a huge rocket to get to the moon, but only a small one to get back.\" Beneath that, the text, \"It takes the same amount of energy to launch something on an escape trajectory away from Earth as it would to launch it 6,000 km upward under constant 9.81 m\ns² Earth gravity. Hence, Earth\u0027s well is 6,000 km deep.\"\n))\nGravity wells, scaled to Earth surface gravity\n\nThis chart shows the \u0027depth\u0027 of various solar system gravity wells.\n\nEach well is scaled such that rising out of a physical well of that depth -- in constant Earth surface gravity -- would take the same energy as escaping from that planet\u0027s gravity in reality.\n\nEach planet is shown cut in half at the bottom of its well, with the depth of the well measured down to the planet\u0027s _flat_ surface.\n\nThe planet sizes are to the same scale as the wells. Interplanetary distances are not to scale.\n\nDepth = (G x PlanetMass) \n (g x PlanetRadius)\n\nG = Newton\u0027s constant\ng = 9.81 meters per second squared\n{{Title text: This doesn\u0027t take into account the energy imparted by orbital motion (or gravity assists or the Oberth effect), all of which can make it easier to reach outer planets.}}", "alt": "This doesn\u0027t take into account the energy imparted by orbital motion (or gravity assists or the Oberth effect), all of which can make it easier to reach outer planets.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/gravity_wells.png", "title": "Gravity Wells", "day": "28" }, { "month": "12", "num": 682, "link": "", "year": "2009", "news": "", "safe_title": "Force", "transcript": "[[Two EMTs are rushing Darth Vader away from a front door on a stretcher.]]\n\n[[There is a room with a desk in the foreground and a full-length mirror in the corner. On the desk is a laptop displaying the Wikipedia page for autoerotic asphyxiation.]]\n\n{{Title text: Force-choking the chicken.}}", "alt": "Force-choking the chicken.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/force.png", "title": "Force", "day": "30" }, { "month": "1", "num": 683, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Science Montage", "transcript": "Movie Science Montage\n\n[[One scientist passes a test tube to another, who\u0027s sitting at a machine. They\u0027re both wearing lab coats and goggles. Lights and screens are shining, and there\u0027s a hamster ball and a Newton\u0027s cradle on a shelf behind them.]]\n\n[[There\u0027s a glowing sample next to a rat in a cage. One of the scientists is holding a glowing implement; she has another rat in her hand and one on her head. The other scientist is on the phone.]]\nCaged Rat: Squeak!\n\n[[One of the scientists pulls levers on another machine, which is shooting some kind of ray downwards a a sample.]]\n\n[[The other scientist is operating a machine with a scope, flasks, coils, and bubbles.]]\nScientist (in panel): Paint flecks from the killer\u0027s clothing match an antimatter factory in Belgrade!\nScientist (off panel): Let\u0027s go!\n\nActual Science Montage\n\n[[Two scientists in lab coats and goggles place a sample into a machine. There\u0027s a clock on the wall.]]\n\n[[Time has passed.]]\nMachine: \u003c\u003c...whirrrrrr...\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Time has passed. One of the scientists has removed his goggles.]]\nMachine: \u003c\u003c...whirrrr...bing!\u003e\u003e\n\n[[They examine the sample.]]\nMale Scientist: Okay, we\u0027ve determined there\u0027s neither barium nor radium in this sample.\nFemale Scientist: Probably.\n\n{{Title text: The rat\u0027s perturbed; it must sense nanobots! Code grey! We have a Helvetica scenario!}}", "alt": "The rat\u0027s perturbed; it must sense nanobots! Code grey! We have a Helvetica scenario!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/science_montage.png", "title": "Science Montage", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 684, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "We Get It", "transcript": "[[Two people are talking.]]\nPerson 1: Avatar? Yeah, I saw it last week with ...\n\n[[Person 1 walks out of the panel.]]\n\n[[Person 1 returns with a ladder.]]\n\n[[Person 1 stands on top of the ladder, shouting through a megaphone.]]\nPerson 1: ... MY GIRLFRIEND.\n\nPerson 2: You know, if this phase of your relationship lasts more than a week, I\u0027m legally allowed to stab you both.\nPerson 1: What phase?\nPerson 1: So, did I mention I\u0027m seeing someone?\n\n{{Title text: The most brutal way I\u0027ve ever seen someone handle this was \u0027Oh, you have a girlfriend. Are you going to get married?\u0027 \u0027I, uh, don\u0027t know--\u0027 \u0027Well, do you love her?\u0027 \u0027...\u0027 \u0027Anyway, what were you saying about the movie?\u0027}}", "alt": "The most brutal way I\u0027ve ever seen someone handle this was \u0027Oh, you have a girlfriend. Are you going to get married?\u0027 \u0027I, uh, don\u0027t know--\u0027 \u0027Well, do you love her?\u0027 \u0027...\u0027 \u0027Anyway, what were you saying about the movie?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/we_get_it.png", "title": "We Get It", "day": "4" }, { "month": "1", "num": 685, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "G-Spot", "transcript": "A study published in the journal of sexual medicine suggests that the g-spot may not actually exist.\nWe go live to the researchers\u0027 press conference:\n\n[[Reporters stand below a researcher at a podium.]]\nReporter: Is it true you\u0027ve been unable to find evidence that the g-spot exists?\n\nResearcher: My research is in solar cells. I think you have the wrong press conference.\n\n[[Pause]]\n\nResearcher: But ... yes.\n\n{{Title text: The BBC lead was \u0027The elusive erogenous zone said to exist in some women may be a myth, say researchers who have hunted for it.\u0027 I couldn\u0027t read it with a straight face.}}", "alt": "The BBC lead was \u0027The elusive erogenous zone said to exist in some women may be a myth, say researchers who have hunted for it.\u0027 I couldn\u0027t read it with a straight face.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/g-spot.png", "title": "G-Spot", "day": "6" }, { "month": "1", "num": 686, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Admin Mourning", "transcript": "[[The text is over a white-on-black terminal showing a bit of output from ps -el, with processes running from root and sam.]]\nWhen a user dies, their connections time out,\nbut their screen sessions linger.\n\n[[The end of the command line is a |grep sam.]]\nThe server\u0027s uptime grows\nbecause you can\u0027t bring yourself to reboot\n\nand wipe out\ntheir last earthly presence\n\n[[The processes listed are screen, zsh, irssi, and grep sam.]]\nthe ghost in zshell.\n\n{{Title text: And every day it gets harder to fight the urge to su to the user and freak people out.}}", "alt": "And every day it gets harder to fight the urge to su to the user and freak people out.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/admin_mourning.png", "title": "Admin Mourning", "day": "8" }, { "month": "1", "num": 687, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dimensional Analysis", "transcript": "[[On a blackboard.]]\n(Plank energy\nPressure at the Earth\u0027s core) x (Prius combined EPA gas mileage\nMinimum width of the English Channel) = pi\n\n[[A teacher indicates this equation with a pointer in front of a class.]]\nTeacher: It\u0027s correct to within experimental error, and the units check out. It must be a fundamental law.\nStudent: But what if they build a better Prius?\nTeacher (italic): Then England will drift out to sea.\n\n{{Title text: Or the pressure at the Earth\u0027s core will rise slightly.}}", "alt": "Or the pressure at the Earth\u0027s core will rise slightly.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dimensional_analysis.png", "title": "Dimensional Analysis", "day": "11" }, { "month": "1", "num": 688, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Self-Description", "transcript": "[[There is a pie chart, mostly white with a black slice. The white is labeled \"Fraction of this image which is white.\" The black is labeled \"Fraction of this image which is black.\"]]\n\n[[There is a bar graph labeled \"Amount of black ink by panel.\" Bar 1 is medium height, Bar 2 higher, Bar 3 lowest.]]\n\n[[There is a scatterplot labeled \"Location of black ink in this image.\" It is the positive quarter of a coordinate grid with the zeroes marked. The graph is, of course, the whole comic scaled to fit the axes, including a smaller version of itself in the last panel, etc.]]\n\n{{Title text: The contents of any one panel are dependent on the contents of every panel including itself. The graph of panel dependencies is complete and bidirectional, and each node has a loop. The mouseover text has two hundred and forty-two characters.}}", "alt": "The contents of any one panel are dependent on the contents of every panel including itself. The graph of panel dependencies is complete and bidirectional, and each node has a loop. The mouseover text has two hundred and forty-two characters.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/self_description.png", "title": "Self-Description", "day": "13" }, { "month": "1", "num": 689, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "FIRST Design", "transcript": "Team Member 1 (out of panel): Wow, this is a much better design.\nTeam Member 2 (out of panel): Let\u0027s build it.\n[[A blue print depicting a robot design for the FIRST competition. It consists of a standard mobile platform, with a pusher blade at the front. Additional parts include an umbrella on top and a trailer unit consisting a telescoping pole with a matchbox and match on top.]]\n\nReferee (out of panel): Go!\n\u003c\u003cCLICK\u003e\u003e\n[[A FIRST competition field, with teams at opposite ends. Various robots appear on the field, and the team whose design appears above activates their robot.]]\n\n[[The robot\u0027s trailer unit detaches as the telescoping pole begins to extend, and the mobile platform with umbrella rolls forward.]]\n\u003c\u003cVRRR\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cCLICK\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Telescoping pole extends further.]]\n\u003c\u003cVRRRR\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Telescoping pole extends further.]]\n\u003c\u003cVRRRR\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Telescoping pole extends further, approaching a sprinkler head fixture.]]\n\u003c\u003cVRRR\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Telescoping pole stops extending, placing the matchbox and match very near the sprinkler head fixture.]]\n\n[[The mobile platform stops moving.]]\n\n[[The umbrella deploys, extending beyond the dimensions of the mobile platform.]]\n\u003c\u003cFWOOMP\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The match box and match are lit beneath the sprinkler head.]]\n\u003c\u003cFWOOSH\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The heat from the match triggers the sprinkler\u0027s valve, and water sprays out of the sprinkler into the room below.]]\n\u003c\u003cPSSSSHH\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Water pours from the sprinkler onto the competition field, causing the electrical components of the opposing team\u0027s robotics platform to short and malfunction. The opposing team appears distressed and confused.]]\n\u003c\u003cFZZZT\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cBWooooooo!!!\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The initial robot, still protected by its umbrella, pushes along the balls toward the goal zone without any difficulty.]]\n\n{{Title text: Pool on the roof must\u0027ve sprung a leak.}}", "alt": "Pool on the roof must\u0027ve sprung a leak.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/first_design.png", "title": "FIRST Design", "day": "15" }, { "month": "1", "num": 690, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Semicontrolled Demolition", "transcript": "[[A person is holding up a pointer to a screen with an image of the World Trade Center towers mid-disaster.]]\nPerson: Based on my analysis, I believe the government faked the plane crash and demolished the WTC north tower with explosives.\nPerson: The south tower, in a simultaneous but unrelated plot, was brought down by actual terrorists.\nThe 9\n11 truthers responded poorly to my compromise theory.\n\n{{Title text: I believe the truth always lies halfway between the most extreme claims.}}", "alt": "I believe the truth always lies halfway between the most extreme claims.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/semicontrolled_demolition.png", "title": "Semicontrolled Demolition", "day": "18" }, { "month": "1", "num": 691, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "MicroSD", "transcript": "[[Two figures approach a table]]\nFigure 1: Hey, what\u0027s up?\nFigure 2: Shhhhh.\nFigure 1: Hrm?\nFigure 2: There\u0027s a microSD card on your table.\n\n[[A microSD card sits next to an assortment of coins for size reference.]]\nFigure 1 (out of panel): So?\nFigure 2 (out of panel): I dunno, high storage densities freak me out. A whole aisle of library shelves on something smaller than a dime.\n\n[[The two figures stand near the table, the second figure peering at the coins and card on the table.]]\nFigure 2: Libraries are unnerving enough--millions of ideas surrounding you, towering over you. These cards fill me with that same reverence, that same intimidation.\n\n[[The first figure stands alone]]\nFigure 2 (out of panel): ...that same faint arousal. Maybe I\u0027ll just touch it.\nFigure 1: If you lose that card I\u0027m _NOT_ helping you find it.\n\n{{Title text: That card holds a refrigerator carton\u0027s worth of floppy discs, and a soda can full of those cards could hold the entire iTunes store\u0027s music library. Mmmm.}}", "alt": "That card holds a refrigerator carton\u0027s worth of floppy discs, and a soda can full of those cards could hold the entire iTunes store\u0027s music library. Mmmm.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/microsd.png", "title": "MicroSD", "day": "20" }, { "month": "1", "num": 692, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dirty Harry", "transcript": "[[Detective \"Dirty\" Harry Callahan stands near a wall, pointing a revolver at another figure, presumably a suspect, reclined on the ground. A shotgun is on the ground next to the reclined figure.]]\nHarry Callahan: I know what you\u0027re thinking--\"Did he fire six shots or only five?\" In all this excitement, I--\nSuspect: Six. Definitely six.\nHarry Callahan: Shit.\n\nDirty Harry Meets Rain Man\n\n{{Title text: Sci-fi has energy weapons because otherwise the people like me who watch it get distracted counting shots.}}", "alt": "Sci-fi has energy weapons because otherwise the people like me who watch it get distracted counting shots.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dirty_harry.png", "title": "Dirty Harry", "day": "22" }, { "month": "1", "num": 693, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Children\u0027s Fantasy", "transcript": "[[Kid is sitting on the ground with his chin in his hand.]]\nKid: I\u0027m such a loser--\n\u003c\u003cPOP\u003e\u003e\n[[Princess sticks her head through a portal.]]\nPrincess: Come quickly, young one!\nKid: Holy crap, a portal!\nPrincess: My kingdom needs you!\n\n[[He falls through.]]\nKid: AAAAAA\n\n[[We see him on horseback, helmeted wielding a sword. There\u0027s a castle on the horizon and two moons in the sky.]]\n\n[[Kid, with helmet and sword, stands before King, Princess, and another warrior. Princess is holding out a ring.]]\nKing: You\u0027ve saved our kingdom and found your self-confidence. Now it\u0027s time to return home. Goodbye, young hero!\nPrincess: Take this ring to remember us!\n\n[[Kid stands alone, holding the ring.]]\nKid: Well, I guess I spend the rest of my life pretending that didn\u0027t happen or knowing that everyone I love suspects I\u0027m crazy.\nKid: This\u0027ll be a fun 70 years.\n\n{{Title text: I was going to be a scientist, but that seems silly now. Magical worlds exist. I\u0027ve learned a huge truth about our place in the universe. I\u0027m supposed to care about college? I mean, FUCK.}}", "alt": "I was going to be a scientist, but that seems silly now. Magical worlds exist. I\u0027ve learned a huge truth about our place in the universe. I\u0027m supposed to care about college? I mean, FUCK.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/childrens_fantasy.png", "title": "Children\u0027s Fantasy", "day": "25" }, { "month": "1", "num": 694, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Retro Virus", "transcript": "[[Dude is using a computer.]]\nDude: Argh, this is frustrating.\nFriend (off-panel): What?\n\nDude: This windows box has a virus and I can\u0027t get regedit to--\nFriend (off-panel): Haha, cleaning viruses? Man, what a blast from the past!\n\nFriend: Check it out! Dude\u0027s cleaning win32 viruses! Remember that?\nGirl (off-panel): It\u0027s like we\u0027re back in 2003!\nDude (small): Hey, XP\u0027s still the most--\n\nFriend: Did you get the virus from Kazaa?\nGirl (with laptop): Guess what I just read on Howard Dean\u0027s Friendster!?\nDude (head in hands): Guys ...\n\n{{Title text: He says this is the year of Linux on the desktop! The world of Windows will fade any moment now!}}", "alt": "He says this is the year of Linux on the desktop! The world of Windows will fade any moment now!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/retro_virus.png", "title": "Retro Virus", "day": "27" }, { "month": "1", "num": 695, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Spirit", "transcript": "Day 1 of 90\n[[The Spirit rover is on the surface of Mars.]]\nSpirit (thinking): 89 days to go!\n\nDay 88 of 90\nSpirit (thinking): Two days until I go home!\n\nDay 91 of 90\nSpirit (thinking): ?\n\nDay 103 of 90\nSpirit (thinking): Maybe I didn\u0027t do a good enough job.\n\nDay 127 of 90\nSpirit (thinking): Maybe if I do a good enough job, they\u0027ll let me come home.\n\nDay 857 of 90\nSpirit (thinking): I thought I analyzed that rock really well.\nSpirit (thinking): It\u0027s okay, I\u0027ll do the next one better.\n\nDay 1293 of 90\nSpirit (thinking): Sandstorm. Power dying.\nSpirit (thinking): But a good rover would keep going. A good rover like they wanted.\n\nDay 1944 of 90\nSpirit (thinking): Oh no.\n\u003c\u003cwhirrrr\u003e\u003e\nSpirit (thinking): I\u0027m stuck.\n\u003c\u003cwhirrrr\u003e\n\nSpirit (thinking): Did I do a good job?\nSpirit (thinking): Do I get to come home?\nSpirit (thinking): Guys?\n\n[[Spirit rests in the middle of a vast Martian landscape.]]\n\n{{Title text: On January 26th, 2213 days into its mission, NASA declared Spirit a \u0027stationary research station\u0027, expected to operational for several more months until the dust buildup on its solar panels forces a final shutdown.}}", "alt": "On January 26th, 2274 Mars days into the mission, NASA declared Spirit a \u0027stationary research station\u0027, expected to stay operational for several more months until the dust buildup on its solar panels forces a final shutdown.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spirit.png", "title": "Spirit", "day": "29" }, { "month": "2", "num": 696, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Strip Games", "transcript": "Frequency of Strip Versions of Various Games\n\nn = google hits for \"strip \u003cgame name\u003e\" \n google hits for \"\u003cgame name\u003e\"\n(at the time of this writing)\n\nFrequent\n(n \u003e 1%)\n- Poker\n- Spin the Bottle\n- Beer Pong\n- Never Have I Ever\n- Truth or Dare\n\nRare\n(1% \u003e= n \u003e 0.01%)\n- Chess\n- Blackjack\n- Tennis\n- Settlers of Catan\n- Pictionary\n\nExtremely Rare\n(0.01% \u003e= n \u003e 0)\n- Cricket\n- Magic: the Gathering\n- Stickball\n- Agricola\n- Jumanji\n\nNonexistent\n(n = 0)\n- Poohsticks\n- Podracing\n- Iterated Prisoner\u0027s Dilemma\n- Chess by Mail\n- Conway\u0027s Game of Life\n\n{{Title text: HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF STRIP GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR?}}", "alt": "HOW ABOUT A NICE GAME OF STRIP GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WAR?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/strip_games.png", "title": "Strip Games", "day": "1" }, { "month": "2", "num": 697, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tensile vs. Shear Strength", "transcript": "[[A banner flutters in the breeze, evidently attached to the elevator it mentions in its text. It reads \"SPACE ELEVATOR\" \"GRAND OPENING\"]]\n[[A space elevator occupies the height of the frame, consisting of a bass, a ribbon extending out into space, and an elevator unit with standard elevator features such as sliding doors and up\ndown buttons.]]\n((The following lines appear split across the elevator itself, the rhyming portions of the text separated from the others.))\nAFTER COUNTLESS ENGINEERS\nSPEND TRILLIONS OVER FIFTY YEARS,\nA MODERN BABEL DISAPPEARS\nBECAUSE SOME FUCK BROUGHT PRUNING SHEARS\n[[Five individuals stand at the base of the elevator: a brunette woman, a man, a blond woman who has recently opened a bottle of champagne, an alarmed man, and Hat Guy, who has smuggled the aforementioned shears into the ceremony and unceremoniously turned it into a ribbon cutting.]] \n\u003c\u003cSNIP\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: Although really, the damage was done when the party planners took the hole punch to the elevator ribbon to hang up the sign.}}", "alt": "Although really, the damage was done when the party planners took the hole punch to the elevator ribbon to hang up the sign.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tensile_vs_shear_strength.png", "title": "Tensile vs. Shear Strength", "day": "3" }, { "month": "2", "num": 698, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "You Hang Up First", "transcript": "[[Man is sitting on a bed, on the phone.]]\nMan: You hang up first.\n\n[[Women is lying on a bed, on the phone.]]\nWoman: No, *you* hang up first.\n\nMan: No, *you* hang up first.\n\nWoman: No, *you* fucking hang up first!\n\nMan: You hang up first, or we\u0027re OVER!\n\nWoman: Then I guess we\u0027re fucking OVER!\n\nMan: FINE!\n\nWoman: ...\n\nMan: ...\n\nWoman: *You* move on and find somebody else first.\n\n{{Title text: No, YOU stumble past a series of post-breakup hookups in a daze as you slowly realize what you\u0027ve lost and how unlikely you are ever to get it back first.}}", "alt": "No, YOU stumble past a series of post-breakup hookups in a daze as you slowly realize what you\u0027ve lost and how unlikely you are ever to get it back first.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/you_hang_up_first.png", "title": "You Hang Up First", "day": "5" }, { "month": "2", "num": 699, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trimester", "transcript": "[[A man in a lab coat is talking to a woman who\u0027s sitting on an examining table.]]\nMan: Well, until the second trimester, the baby hasn\u0027t decided which opening it will exit through.\nWoman: *What?*\nMan: We\u0027ll hope for one of the lower ones, so it won\u0027t be fighting gravity.\n\nDid you know you can just BUY lab coats?\n\n{{Title text: Also, it\u0027s not like anyone actually calls up the Nobel committee to double-check things.}}", "alt": "Also, it\u0027s not like anyone actually calls up the Nobel committee to double-check things.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trimester.png", "title": "Trimester", "day": "8" }, { "month": "2", "num": 700, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Complexion", "transcript": "I get frustrated trying to judge whether acne creams are having any effect. In the spirit of a controlled trial, I used one on just half my face for a few weeks.\n[[A graph shows pimples vs. time, with two lines--one remains one steady, and one is declining.]]\n\nIt was cool seeing the effects so clearly, so I got some friends to try different treatments in an impromptu study.\n[[The narrator looks in a mirror, sees a half-pimpled face, and applies a treatment.]]\n\n[[The narrator is talking to a blonde and brunette friend, each with some pimples also.]]\nNarrator: Okay, you try the saucylic acid first.\nBlonde: Wait, we should randomize the trials. Got a coin?\n\nNarrator: Okay, call it. Heads, she gets the--\n(Off-panel): YOU!\n\n[[Batman runs into frame and punches the narrator. The coin goes flying.]]\n\n{{Title text: Why do all my attempts at science end with me being punched by Batman? (P.S. benzoyl peroxide soap works great.)}}", "alt": "Why do all my attempts at science end with me being punched by Batman? (P.S. benzoyl peroxide soap works great.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/complexion.png", "title": "Complexion", "day": "10" }, { "month": "2", "num": 701, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Science Valentine", "transcript": "I wanted to make you a science valentine\nwith charts and graphs of my feelings for you\n[[A graph shows romance and happiness. Romance cuts off, indicating a breakup before the meeting of the narrator and his current SO, and happiness dips accordingly. A line indicates where the couple first met; romance is jagged thereafter, initially upwards but later down. Happiness climbs slightly more steadily and then dips again. More lines indicate a period of dating and then one of engagement.]]\nand the happiness you\u0027ve brought me.\n\nBut the more I analyzed\n[[The narrator works at a computer]]\nr_0 = 0.20\nr_1 = -0.61\nr_2 = -0.83\nthe harder it became to defend my hypothesis.\n\nIn science, you can\u0027t publish results you know are wrong\nand you can\u0027t withhold them because they\u0027re not the ones you wanted.\n\nSo I was left with a question: do I make graphs because they\u0027re cute and funny,\n[[The narrator sits, looking at a sheet of paper.]]\nor am I a *scientist*?\n\nEnclosed are my results.\nI hope you can find somebody else\n[[A jagged, declining graph is superimposed over a red heart.]]\nto be your valentine.\n\n{{Title text: You don\u0027t use science to show that you\u0027re right, you use science to become right.}}", "alt": "You don\u0027t use science to show that you\u0027re right, you use science to become right.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/science_valentine.png", "title": "Science Valentine", "day": "12" }, { "month": "2", "num": 702, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Snow Tracking", "transcript": "BACKYARD SNOW TRACKING GUIDE\n\n((Each panel contains an overhead view of tracks through the snow, with a caption indicating the apparent source))\n\n[[Standard paw prints through the snow]]\nCAT\n\n[[Large split-toe tracks and smaller rodent tracks]]\nMOOSE AND SQUIRREL\n\n[[Cat prints, but with more space between the pairs of prints]]\nLONGCAT\n\n[[Two similar careening tire tracks]]\nMOUSE RIDING BICYCLE\n\n[[Longer rodent tracks, with a large melted ring surrounding a point in the middle of the frame.]]\nRABBIT STOPPING TO USE HAIR DRYER\n\n[[No visible tracks]]\nLEGOLAS\n\n[[Single deep holes with cratering]]\nBOBCAT ON POGO STICK\n\n[[Round prints that suddenly turn to the right halfway into frame]]\nKNIGHT\n\n[[Human footprints up to a square melting pattern, turning into animal prints]]\nKID WITH TRANSMOGRIFIER\n\n[[Human footprints up to a rectangular melted area, which are then doubled to another rectangular area, which are then doubled again up to another rectangular area, which are then doubled...]]\nKID WITH DUPLICATOR\n\n[[Right curve on a road, with tire tracks careening out of frame]]\nOut of Frame Garden Owner: MY VEGETABLE GARDEN!\n\n[[A series of spiraling and outwardly traveling lines extend from a point in the middle of the frame.]]\nHIGGS BOSON\n\n{{Title text: I suppose that\u0027s more accurately a hare dryer.}}", "alt": "I suppose that\u0027s more accurately a hare dryer.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snow_tracking.png", "title": "Snow Tracking", "day": "15" }, { "month": "2", "num": 703, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Honor Societies", "transcript": "[[A student sits at a desk, while a teacher or counselor out of frame advises]]\nStudent: Wait. I should join this honor society to show colleges I\u0027m honorable, and I\u0027m honorable because I\u0027m in an honor society?\nTeacher: Basically, yes.\n\n[[Tighter shot of student]]\nStudent: Sounds like I could save time by joining the Tautology Club directly.\nTeacher: That\u0027s not a real club.\nStudent: Then I\u0027m starting it.\n\nTAUTOLOGY CLUB\n[[Seven individuals appear: a blonde girl, a man, a shorter male with glasses that bears a striking resemblance to Jason Fox, a taller man with a buzz cut, a brunette woman with curly hair in a ponytail, a brunette woman with straight hair, and finally our student, standing on a box.]]\nBlonde Girl: So how\u0027d you learn about us?\nMan: From your Facebook group, \"If 1,000,000 People Join This Group, It Will Have 1,000,000 People In It.\"\nStudent: LISTEN UP! The first rule of Tautology Club is the first rule of Tautology Club.\n\n{{Title text: Hey, why do YOU get to be the president of Tautology Clu-- wait, I can guess.}}", "alt": "Hey, why do YOU get to be the president of Tautology Clu-- wait, I can guess.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/honor_societies.png", "title": "Honor Societies", "day": "17" }, { "month": "2", "num": 704, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Principle of Explosion", "transcript": "[[Two men appear, conversing with one another]]\nFirst Man: If you assume contradictory axioms, you can derive anything. It\u0027s called the Principle of Explosion.\nSecond Man: ANYTHING? Lemme try.\n\n[[The second man writes on a piece of paper on a counter.]]\n\n[[The two men appear again, the second man holding his paper and a mobile phone.]]\nSecond Man: Hey, you\u0027re right! I started with P⧬P and derived your mom\u0027s phone number!\nFirst Man: That\u0027s not how that works.\n\n[[The first man holds the piece of paper, while the second man is now talking on the mobile phone.]]\nSecond Man: Mrs. Lenhart?\nFirst Man: Wait, this IS her number! How--\nSecond Man: Hi, I\u0027m a friend of--why, yes, I AM free tonight!\nFirst Man: MOM!\nSecond Man: No, box wine sounds lovely!\n\n{{Title text: You want me to pick up waffle cones? Oh, right, for the wine. One sec, let me just derive your son\u0027s credit card number and I\u0027ll be on my way.}}", "alt": "You want me to pick up waffle cones? Oh, right, for the wine. One sec, let me just derive your son\u0027s credit card number and I\u0027ll be on my way.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/principle_of_explosion.png", "title": "Principle of Explosion", "day": "19" }, { "month": "2", "num": 705, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Devotion to Duty", "transcript": "[[A terrorist is holding a gun and talking on a cell phone to the boss.]]\nTerrorist: We took the hostages, secured the building, and cut the communication lines like you said.\nBoss: Excellent.\n\nTerrorist: But then this guy climbed up the ventilation ducts and walked across broken glass, killing anyone we sent to stop him.\nBoss: And he rescued the hostages?\n\nTerrorist: No, he ignored them. He just reconnected the cables we cut, muttering something about \"uptime.\"\nBoss: Shit, we\u0027re dealing with a sysadmin.\n\n{{Title text: The weird sense of duty really good sysadmins have can border on the sociopathic, but it\u0027s nice to know that it stands between the forces of darkness and your cat blog\u0027s servers.}}", "alt": "The weird sense of duty really good sysadmins have can border on the sociopathic, but it\u0027s nice to know that it stands between the forces of darkness and your cat blog\u0027s servers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/devotion_to_duty.png", "title": "Devotion to Duty", "day": "22" }, { "month": "2", "num": 706, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Freedom", "transcript": "[[Two men face each other, conversing.]]\nFirst Man: Sometimes I\u0027m shocked to realize how many options I have.\nSecond Man: Oh?\n\n[[First Man shakes his fist.]]\nFirst Man: Like, at any moment in any conversation, I could just punch the person I was talking to, and all these potentially life-changing events would unfold.\n\n[[The two men converse.]]\nFirst Man: It\u0027s only my mental rules that stop me from punching you, or stripping naked, or getting on a plane to Fiji. Sure, rules have reasons. But shouldn\u0027t you exercise that freedom at least once before you did?\n\n\u003c\u003cWHAM\u003e\u003e\n\n[[First man is knocked down on the ground, dazed and bruised.]]\nFirst Man: Okay, I should have seen that coming.\nSecond Man: But you \ncouldn\u0027t\n! That\u0027s the beauty!\n\n{{Title text: Sometimes I\u0027m terrified to realize how many options other people have.}}", "alt": "Sometimes I\u0027m terrified to realize how many options other people have.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/freedom.png", "title": "Freedom", "day": "24" }, { "month": "2", "num": 707, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Joshing", "transcript": "[[Two men converse.]]\nFirst Man: So, is the new project going forward?\nSecond Man: I could tell you, but then I\u0027d have to kill you!\n\n[[The men laugh cautiously.]]\n\n[[The men resume conversation.]]\nSecond Man: I mean, kill you even sooner.\n\n{{Title text: You\u0027ll be moved up from 49 of ~7 billion to 31 of ~7 billion.}}", "alt": "You\u0027ll be moved up from 49 of ~7 billion to 31 of ~7 billion.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/joshing.png", "title": "Joshing", "day": "26" }, { "month": "3", "num": 708, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sex Dice", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman kneel on a bed, the man is shaking a cup of dice.]]\nMan: All right, baby. Get ready for...\n\u003c\u003cShake shake shake roll\u003e\u003e\n\n((Between the first two panels.))\n[[Two dice have been rolled, the first has five dots, the second says \"BREASTS\".]]\n\n[[The man and woman, stare at the dice.]]\nMan: I really need to organize the game cupboard.\nWoman: Wait, so where\u0027s the other sex die?\n\n[[Two men and two women are sitting on the floor around a game.]]\nMan #1: I... \nfondle\n the castle guard? That doesn\u0027t seem right.\nWoman #1: It did 6 damage, though.\n\n{{Title text: You roll for initiative, and ... [roll] ... wow, do you ever take it.}}", "alt": "You roll for initiative, and ... [roll] ... wow, do you ever take it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sex_dice.png", "title": "Sex Dice", "day": "1" }, { "month": "3", "num": 709, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "I Am", "transcript": "[[The Burning Bush of Exodus fame speaks to Moses, who is shielding himself with his arm, as if a great gust of wind is overtaking him.]]\nBush: I AM THAT I AM, THE *LORD* YOUR GOD AND THE GOD OF YOUR FATHERS, OF ABRAHAM, OF ISAAC, AND OF JACOB.\n\n[[A droid comes into frame, Moses looks down at it.]]\nBush: AND THIS IS MY COUNTERPART, R2-D2.\n\u003c\u003cBLEEP BLOOP\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: Great, LO-M. Do you speak Bocce? I\u0027m supposed to find one that speaks Bocce.}}", "alt": "Great, LO-M. Do you speak Bocce? I\u0027m supposed to find one that speaks Bocce.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_am.png", "title": "I Am", "day": "3" }, { "month": "3", "num": 710, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Collatz Conjecture", "transcript": "[[A person sits in a chair at a desk, papers piled on top, writing furiously. Depicted above are apparently the writing, a series of nodes in various Collatz sequences (starting with 7, 21, 24, 29, 106, 176 and 256), all eventually leading back to 1.]]\nThe Collatz Conjecture states that if you pick an number, and if it\u0027s even divide it by two and if it\u0027s odd multiply it by three and add one, and you repeat this procedure long enough, eventually your friends will stop calling to see if you want to hang out.\n\n{{Title text: The Strong Collatz Conjecture states that this holds for any set of obsessively-hand-applied rules.}}", "alt": "The Strong Collatz Conjecture states that this holds for any set of obsessively-hand-applied rules.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/collatz_conjecture.png", "title": "Collatz Conjecture", "day": "5" }, { "month": "3", "num": 711, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Seismograph", "transcript": "[[A man is standing over another man, who is strapped into a chair with wires attached to his head and arms. The wires lead to a large lie detector on a stand next to him, which has jagged lines drawn across it.]]\nStanding man: IS THERE AN EARTHQUAKE HAPPENING?!\nSitting man: No!\n\u003c\u003cSCRITCH SCRITCH\u003e\u003e\n\nPro Tip: In a pinch, a lie detector can double as a seismograph. \n\n{{Title text: The reverse only works if the subject has a nervous twitch.}}", "alt": "The reverse only works if the subject has a nervous twitch.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/seismograph.png", "title": "Seismograph", "day": "8" }, { "month": "3", "num": 712, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Single Ladies", "transcript": "[[Sauron is sitting at a bar with a drink, beret guy is his bartender, wiping a glass.]]\nBackground music: All the single ladies, all the single ladies...\nBeret guy: Hey, Sauron. Why so glum? \nSauron: Gil-Galad saw through me and threw me out of Undon. Galadriel, too. I\u0027ll never rule \nanyone\n at this rate.\n\n[[Close up on Sauron, waist up.]]\nBackground music: All the single ladies, all the single ladies...\nSauron: Eru created such beautiful creatures -- elves and men and dwarves -- and all I\u0027ve got are these stupid Orcs.\n\n[[Full body view of Sauron on barstool, arms raised.]]\nBackground music: \u0027Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it...\nSauron: I mean, I--\n\n[[Same view, arms lowered as realization dawns on him.]]\nBackground music: \u0027Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it...\n\n{{Title text: Using a ring to bind someone you covet into your dark and twisted world? Wow, just got the subtext there. Also, the apparently eager Beyoncé would\u0027ve made one badass Nazgûl.}}", "alt": "Using a ring to bind someone you covet into your dark and twisted world? Wow, just got the subtext there. Also, the apparently eager Beyoncé would\u0027ve made one badass Nazgȗl.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/single_ladies.png", "title": "Single Ladies", "day": "10" }, { "month": "3", "num": 713, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "GeoIP", "transcript": "[[External view of a satellite orbiting Earth. Dialog comes from within.]]\nPerson 1: Yes!\nPerson 2: What?\nPerson 1: I got our downlink into a GeoIP database.\n\n[[Internal view of the satellite, a man and a woman are floating about, the man is at a computer mounted to the wall.]]\nWoman: Why?\nMan: To mess with our advertisers. Check it out.\n\n[[An ad reads \"Meet local girls in Low Earth Orbit tonight!\" and has two photos of girls in sexy poses, one captioned \"Tanya, 18\" and the other \"Amber, 19\". Below them is a button that reads \"CHAT LIVE\".]]\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Meet hot young singles in your mom\u0027s basement today\u0027? Man, screw you, GeoIP.}}", "alt": "\u0027Meet hot young singles in your mom\u0027s basement today\u0027? Man, screw you, GeoIP.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geoip.png", "title": "GeoIP", "day": "12" }, { "month": "3", "num": 714, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Porn For Women", "transcript": "[[A woman sits at a desk, typing on a computer with a fairly large flat-panel display.]]\nWoman: To the authors of \nPorn for Women\n: Your book features pictures of hot, clothed guys cooking, doing laundry and vacuuming.\n\n[[The woman continues typing.]]\nWoman: The idea seems to be that my deepest fantasies, like the rest of my life, likely revolve around housework.\n\n[[The woman continues typing.]]\nWoman: So I wanted to write in to clarify: in my porn,\n\n[[The woman leans forward in her chair.]]\nWoman: People \nfuck\n.\n\n{{Title text: Yes, there are a lot of longing looks across the bridge of Galactica first, but that\u0027s beside the point!}}", "alt": "Yes, there are a lot of longing looks across the bridge of Galactica first, but that\u0027s beside the point!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/porn_for_women.png", "title": "Porn For Women", "day": "15" }, { "month": "3", "num": 715, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Numbers", "transcript": "Google Result for Various Phrases:\n{{Each panel is a scatterplot of the described X against the number of Google hits, with trend lines. The scales vary.}}\n\n\u003cX\u003e Bottles of Beer on the Wall\n[[There are peaks at 1, 49, 73, and 99. A dip in the middle is marked \"They lose steam at 66.\" After 99 is a steep dropoff. The largest peak is around 100,000 hits.]]\n\nI\u0027ve Had \u003cX\u003e Boy\nGirlfriends\n[[Both lines descend at roughly the same rate from 1 to 10, although the boyfriend graph is smoother; the girlfriend graph has a small peak at 4 and a small dip at 6. The peaks are between 100,000 and 1,000,000 hits.]]\n\nI\u0027m in \u003cX\u003est\nnd\nrd\nth Grade\n[[The curve is a bell peaking at 7th grade and about 500,000 hits. A second line labeled \"Including Junior, Senior, etc.\" follows the bell curve until the peak, then dips only slightly for 10th grade and resumes climbing.]]\n\nI Have a\nan \u003cX\u003e-Inch Penis\n[[The line ascends shallowly from 100,000 hits for 3 inches to a peak of 180,000 for 9 inches, then descends steeply to 20,000 for 13 inches.]]\n\nI\u0027m a\nan \u003cX\u003e-Cup\n[[A has a few hundred thousand hits; the graph dips to a few thousand for C, peaks again around 100,000 for E, and then tails off.]]\n\nI\u0027m \u003cX\u003e and Have Never Had a Boyfriend\n[[The graph is mostly a simple bell, starting and ending around 300,000 hits for 13 or 21, but there is a sharp peak of 700,000 at 18 (well above the trend line).]]\n\nDrink \u003cX\u003e Glasses of Water a Day\n[[There are barely any hits below 4 or above 12; between the two it rises steeply to about 1,000 hits, with a steep, narrow peak of 10,000 at 8.]]\n\nThere Are \u003cX\u003e Lights\n[[The graph descends smoothly from several hundred thousand hits for 1 to about 10,000 for 10, except for a peak of about 1,000,000 for 4.]]\n\nI Got \u003cX\u003e Problems\n[[The plot is extremely jagged, with the largest peak of 10,000,000 hits at 99, another of 10,000 at 96, and 100 and 88.]]\n\nMy IQ Is \u003cX\u003e\n[[A smooth curve starts and ends at a few thousand hits for around 85 and around 170, with the peak at several tens of thousands for 140, but there are several prominent outliers: 100, 110, 133, and 142 are all around 100,000 hits, and 147 is around 1,000,000.]]\n\n{{Title text: The typical internet user (who wants to share) has an IQ of 147 and a 9-inch penis. Well, better than the reverse, I guess.}}", "alt": "The typical internet user (who wants to share) has an IQ of 147 and a 9-inch penis. Well, better than the reverse, I guess.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/numbers.png", "title": "Numbers", "day": "17" }, { "month": "3", "num": 716, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time Machine", "transcript": "[[Rob is working at a workbench. Future-Rob appears out of nowhere with a baseball bat.]]\nFuture-Rob: Hi, Rob.\nRob: Whoa, you\u0027re me!\n\nFuture-Rob: You\u0027re about to have an idea for a time machine.\nRob: I am?\n\n[[Future-Rob hits Rob over the head with the baseball bat.]]\n\u003c\u003cWHAM\u003e\u003e\n\n[[A friend approaches Future-Rob working at the workbench. The baseball bat is stashed behind it.]]\nFriend: Hey, Rob. What\u0027s up?\nFuture-Rob: Nothing.\nThis happens somewhere roughly once a month.\n\n{{Title text: We never see any time travelers because they all discover it\u0027s a huge mistake. This is also why your friend at the lab suddenly looked about a year older recently.}}", "alt": "We never see any time travelers because they all discover it\u0027s a huge mistake. This is also why your friend at the lab suddenly looked about a year older recently.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time_machine.png", "title": "Time Machine", "day": "19" }, { "month": "3", "num": 717, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Furtive", "transcript": "[[A man in a trench coat and hat stands mid-frame.]]\n\n[[The man turns his head, looking to his right.]]\n\n[[The man stands alone in a wide expanse.]]\n\n[[The man finally speaks.]]\nMan: Go go gadget two lesbians doing it.\n\n{{Title text: ... go go gadget video camera. Go go gadget cup.}}", "alt": "... go go gadget video camera. Go go gadget cup.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/furtive.png", "title": "Furtive", "day": "22" }, { "month": "3", "num": 718, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Flake Equation", "transcript": "((Panel consists of a large equation with call-out text indicating what each variable indicates))\nP = Wp x (Cr + Mi) x Tk x F0 + F1 x Dt X Au 100,000\nWp (7,000,000,000) World Population\nCr (1\n10 000) Fraction of people who imagine an alien encounter because they\u0027re crazy or want to feel special\nMi (1\n10 000) Fraction of people who misinterpret a physical or physiological experience as an alien sighting\nTk (1\n10) Probability that they\u0027ll tell someone\nF0 (10) Average number of people they tell\nF1 (10) Average number of people each friend tells this \"firsthand\" account\nDt (9\n10) Probability that any details not fitting the narrative will be revised or forgotten in retelling\nAu (1\n100) Fraction of people with the means and motivation to share the story with a wider audience (blogs, forums, reporters)\n\nEven with conservative guesses for the values of the variables, this suggests there must be a \nhuge\n number of credible-sounding alien sightings out there, available to anyone who wants to believe!\n\n\n{{Title text: Statistics suggest that there should be tons of alien encounter stories, and in pracitce there are tons of alien encounter stories. This is known as Fermi\u0027s Lack-of-a-Paradox.}}", "alt": "Statistics suggest that there should be tons of alien encounter stories, and in practice there are tons of alien encounter stories. This is known as Fermi\u0027s Lack-of-a-Paradox.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_flake_equation.png", "title": "The Flake Equation", "day": "24" }, { "month": "3", "num": 719, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brain Worms", "transcript": "[[A woman sits at a computer desk, and a man stands near her holding a book.]]\nMan: Weird--this parasitic worm infects the brain, damaging the areas responsible for spatial reasoning in dreams. Signs of infection include dreams about not fitting in your car comfortably, driving from the backseat, or veering all over the road.\nWoman: (thinking) Oh God.\n\nMy Hobby: Taking advantage of the fact that some specific dreams are weirdly common, but not everyone who has them realizes this.\n\n{{Title text: Hey, it says here that if you dream about your teeth falling out, it means they\u0027re spreading.}}", "alt": "Hey, it says here that if you dream about your teeth falling out, it means they\u0027re spreading.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brain_worms.png", "title": "Brain Worms", "day": "26" }, { "month": "3", "num": 720, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Recipes", "transcript": "[[Three people, one woman and two men, sit along a table with dishes and drinks in front of them. A fourth man is walking in, a plate with food on it in one hand, a laptop in the other.]]\n\nWoman: I\u0027ve got... Cheerios with a shot of vermouth.\nMan #1: At least it\u0027s better than the quail eggs in whipped cream from last time.\nMan #2: Are these Skittles \ndeep-fried?\n\nMan #3: C\u0027mon guys, be patient. In a few hundred more meals, the genetic algorithm should catch up to existing recipes and start to optimize.\n\n{{Title text: To be fair, the brazed and confused newt on a bed of crushed Doritos turned out to be delicious.}}", "alt": "To be fair, the braised and confused newt on a bed of crushed Doritos turned out to be delicious.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/recipes.png", "title": "Recipes", "day": "29" }, { "month": "3", "num": 721, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flatland", "transcript": "[[Person encounters a square on the ground.]]\nPerson: Hey, A. Square. How\u0027s Flatland?\nA. Square: Still flat. What\u0027s up?\nPerson: I just spent an hour playing a demo of this 4D game called Miegakure.\n\n[[A character in Miegakure jumps around the 4D landscape.]]\nTrying to jump from block to block in four dimensions hurt my brain.\n\nPerson: So I apologize for giving you a hard time when you were slow to understand 3D space. I sympathize now.\nA. Square: It\u0027s okay.\n\nPerson: Also, I apologize for drawing arms, legs, and eyes on you to make you look like Spongebob. That was out of line.\nA. Square: Yes, it was.\n\n{{Title text: Also, I apologize for the time I climbed down into your world and everyone freaked out about the lesbian orgy overseen by a priest.}}", "alt": "Also, I apologize for the time I climbed down into your world and everyone freaked out about the lesbian orgy overseen by a priest.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flatland.png", "title": "Flatland", "day": "31" }, { "month": "4", "num": 722, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Computer Problems", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman are looking at his computer, on the desk.]]\nMan: You know this metal rectangle full of little lights?\nWoman: Yeah.\n\nMan: I spend most of my life pressing buttons to make the pattern of lights change however i want.\nWoman: Sounds good.\n\nMan: But today, the pattern of lights is ALL WRONG!\nWoman: Oh god! Try pressing more buttons!\nMan: IT\u0027S NOT HELPING!\n\n{{Title text: This is how I explain computer problems to my cat. My cat usually seems happier than me.}}", "alt": "This is how I explain computer problems to my cat. My cat usually seems happier than me.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/computer_problems.png", "title": "Computer Problems", "day": "2" }, { "month": "4", "num": 723, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Seismic Waves", "transcript": "When an earthquake hits, people flood the internet with posts about it--some within 20 or 30 seconds.\n[[A room with a desk, chair, and computer are shaking. The person in it is on his phone, using Twitter.]]\nRobM163 Huge earthquake here!\n\nDamaging seismic waves travel at 3-5km\ns. Fiber signals move at ~200,000kh\ns.\n(minus network lag)\n\nThis means when the seismic waves are about 100km out, they begin to be overtaken by the waves of posts ABOUT them.\n[[There is a geographical border on a map; the front edge of the wave of the quake is shown, with the front edge of the wave of tweets surpassing it.]]\n\nPeople outside this radius may get woord of the quake via Twitter, IRC, or SMS BEFORE the shaking hits.\n[[A man and woman are standing, holding cell phones. The woman is looking at hers.]]\nWoman: Whoa! Earthquake!\n\nSadly, a Twitterer\u0027s first instinct is not to find shelter.\nMan and Woman (on phones): RT @RobM163 Huge earthquake here!\n\n{{Title text: The USGS operates a really neat email\nSMS earthquake notification service (earthquake.usgs.gov\nens\n) that allows fine-grained control of notifications.}}", "alt": "The USGS operates a really neat email/SMS earthquake notification service (earthquake.usgs.gov/ens/) that allows fine-grained control of notifications.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/seismic_waves.png", "title": "Seismic Waves", "day": "5" }, { "month": "4", "num": 724, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hell", "transcript": "[[A basic Tetris screen is depicted, with a next piece indicator, score and top score, and level listed as 01. The bottom of the pit is curved into a semicircle. A square and L piece are sitting crookedly in the pit; an S piece is falling.]]\nHell\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s also a Katamari level where everything is just slightly bigger than you, and a Mario level with a star just out of reach.}}", "alt": "There\u0027s also a Katamari level where everything is just slightly bigger than you, and a Mario level with a star just out of reach.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hell.png", "title": "Hell", "day": "7" }, { "month": "4", "num": 725, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Literally", "transcript": "[[A person is talking to a friend.]]\nPerson: I was literally glued to my seat through the entire--\nOff-Panel: HAH!\nOff-Panel: YOU MEAN \"FIGURATIVELY\"!\n\n[[The off-panel voice came from a scary guy with wild hair and a big beard.]]\nPerson: Who are you?\nScary Guy: Eighteen years I\u0027ve watched you!\nScary Guy: Waiting!\n\nEver since that day in seventh grade when you humiliated me.\n[[We see the scene from seventh grade. Younger, normal-looking scary guy is standing with a girl; the younger version of the person he\u0027s addressing is standing with a friend.]]\nYoung Scary Guy: I told him and he literally EXPLODED!\nYoung Person: Uh, unless he physically BURST, you mean \"figuratively.\"\nFriend: Hah.\nRemember?\n\nScary Guy: I knew one day you\u0027d slip, and I vowed I\u0027d be there to see you fall. HOW DOES IT FEEL?\nPerson: You are literally the craziest person I\u0027ve ever met.\nScary Guy: You did it again!\nPerson: No, I didn\u0027t.\n\n{{Title text: The chemistry experiment had me figuratively -- and then shortly thereafter literally -- glued to my seat.}}", "alt": "The chemistry experiment had me figuratively -- and then shortly thereafter literally -- glued to my seat.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/literally.png", "title": "Literally", "day": "9" }, { "month": "4", "num": 726, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Seat Selection", "transcript": "[[A seat selection diagram from an airport checkin kiosk is shown.]]\nSelect desired seat by clicking on the above chart.\n\n[[A woman in a scarf with some suitcases is standing in an airport, contemplating the kiosk.]]\n\n[[The cursor indicates the cockpit of the plane.]]\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The woman is in the cockpit of the plane, holding the yoke, with the pilot looking horrified behind her.]]\nWoman: WOOOOOOO\n\n{{Title text: Don\u0027t click on the wing.}}", "alt": "Don\u0027t click on the wing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/seat_selection.png", "title": "Seat Selection", "day": "12" }, { "month": "4", "num": 727, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trade Expert", "transcript": "[[Anchorman sitting at newsdesk.]]\nAnchor: (to camera) And for more on the summit, we turn to trade expert Dr. Steven Berlee. Steven?\n\n[[Dr. Steven Berlee is sitting to the right of Anchor at newsdesk.]]\nDSB: I\u0027m not actually a doctor or a trade expert. I\u0027m just a programmer who lies to get on news shows.\n\n[[Close-up on DSB.]]\nAnchor: (off camera) What? Why?\nDSB: To share a message with newscasters.\n\n[[Pull back to shot of both men.]]\nAnchor: Which is?\nDSB: Every time you say \"backslash\" as part of a web address on air, I die a little.\n\n{{Title text: I mean, it\u0027s been almost twenty years. Now, it\u0027s possible you\u0027re simply embedding Windows directory paths in your URIs, but in that case you need more than just a short lecture.}}", "alt": "I mean, it\u0027s been almost twenty years. Now, it\u0027s possible you\u0027re simply embedding Windows directory paths in your URIs, but in that case you need more than just a short lecture.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trade_expert.png", "title": "Trade Expert", "day": "14" }, { "month": "4", "num": 728, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "iPad", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting in an armchair, playing with an iPad. A woman is looking over his shoulder.]]\nMan: Navigating Google Maps on the iPad is fun. It feels so futuristic.\nMan: Swoosh! Zoom!\n\nWoman: There are, right now, monkeys controlling robotic arms via neural implants.\n\nWoman: A huge and alien future is barreling toward us. And I can\u0027t WAIT.\n\nWoman: But no, your iPad is cool, too.\nMan: Stop spoiling my future with your slightly more distant one.\n\n{{Title text: Maybe we\u0027re all gonna die, but we\u0027re gonna die in *really cool ways*.}}", "alt": "Maybe we\u0027re all gonna die, but we\u0027re gonna die in *really cool ways*.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ipad.png", "title": "iPad", "day": "16" }, { "month": "4", "num": 729, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Laser Pointer", "transcript": "[[A human points a laser pointer at the floor. A black cat crouches, staring at the red dot.]]\n\n[[The cat pounces.]]\n\n[[The cat lands with its paw on the dot, claws out.]]\n\n[[The cat tugs on the dot.]]\n\u003c\u003ctug tug\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The human looks at and tries to use the laser pointer, which is no longer emitting a beam.]]\nHuman: ?? \u003c\u003cclick click\u003e\u003e\n[[The cat nibbles on the red laser dot.]]\nCat: \u003c\u003click? nom nom\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The cat arches, emitting red shock lines.]]\n\n[[The cat shoots lasers out of its eyes at the human, who is covered in a bright red glow.]]\n\u003c\u003cFWOOSH\u003e\u003e\nHuman: AUGH!\n((The right side of the panel is the end of a thought bubble ...))\n\n[[The black cat, sleeping, has dreamed the entire strip.]]\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s a lasing cat-vity!}}", "alt": "It\u0027s a lasing cat-vity!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/laser_pointer.png", "title": "Laser Pointer", "day": "19" }, { "month": "4", "num": 730, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Circuit Diagram", "transcript": "{{Title text: I just caught myself idly trying to work out what that resistor mass would actually be, and realized I had self-nerd-sniped.}}\n\n((A large and complicated circuit diagram.))\n\n[[In the upper left corner there is a map scale, labeled with 1 mi (1 km).\n\nUnderneath the scale is an antenna symbol that leads down to a blender, an Arduino; labeled with \"Arduino, just for blog cred\"; and a chip; \"Most expensive chip available\".\n\nTo the right of the antenna there is the symbol for an inductor that has it\u0027s lower terminal going into a the left terminal of pattern that looks like a highway cloverleaf. The upper terminal leads to a line that is going to the upper terminal of that cloverleaf and to a battery symbol (with the + and - symbols on the wrong ends) with a value of â2V. The right terminal of the cloverleaf is going into a resistor symbol label \"120Ω or to taste\". Connected to the other terminals of the resistor and battery is a switch that is labeled \"glue open\". The bottom of the two lines has a transistor with two emitters, one P and one N, and no collector. The P-type emitter is connected to the top line and a jar of scarab beetles. Above the beetles is a resistor labeled \"brown blue orange\". To the right is an unlabeled resistor with a center tap going into a capacitor, with a ground on the other end. Above the capacitor is a diode, and below an inductor. To the right is another inductor. The two inductors and ground are all covered by a \"solder blob\". The rightmost component is a \"666 timer\" that has pin 5 going into a question mark.\n\nBack to the left side, below and to the left of the cloverleaf is a compass rose. The bottom terminal of the cloverleaf is connected to a battery, labeled 50V, with grounds on both sides. To the right of the battery is a long horizontal wire that is labeled \"pull this wire really tight.\" That wire is hooked up to a vertical wire that connects to the N-type emitter of the transistor above it. To the right is an AC source that is labeled 240V, shorted out, with a label on the short \"omit this if you\u0027re a wimp.\" To the right of that is an inductor that is labeled with \"11kg\", a batman symbol, and a squirrel.\n\nBack to the left end of the diagram, where the blender is, there is a wire that is labeled as a distance 3\n8\" from the wire with the 50V battery. To the right there is a frowny face, then a vertical wire with a 90 degree bend labeled \"caution â±\". That leads into a balloon. Under the balloon is an inductor symbol with a line on the bottom edge labeled as \"warm front\".\n\nUnderneath the blender and to the right of the Arduino is a resistor labeled \"ë\". To the right is an electric eel, a capacitor, an unlabeled resistor, and a gob of hot glue attached to a chip with an inverter hooked to an XOR gate, both with feedback into each other. Under the electric eel is a neck strap. To the right of the XOR gate and inverter is a bridge rectifier labeled as \"Moral rectifier\" to the right again is a bottle of magic smoke, under that a fishing bobber and then a broken wire labeled with a question mark. \n\nUnder the most expensive chip available there is a vertical wire labeled with \"electrons single file\". To the right is a switch labeled \"hire someone to open and close switch real fast.\" To the right of that is a contact labeled \"touche tongue here\". Below that is a resistor labeled \"5Ω (decoy)\" with only one terminal connected. To the right of the contact is a methyl group attchaed to a wire. To the right of the methyl group is a complex mesh of 1Ω resistors labeled with \"oh, so you think you\u0027re such a whiz at EE201?\"\n\nConnected to the wire labeled \"electrons single file\" is a wire bent in a U shape with an upside-down ground on the end. To the right is a flux capacitor with the bottom wire labeled I-95. To the right of that is a wire labeled yarn, then an arena with two diodes going in and one leaving. The right diode has a ground on its anode labeled \"bury deep, but not too deep.\" To the right of that is a motor labeled vibrator, resistor with a value of Ï, and a 500V AC source.\n\nUnder the flux capacitor is a wire that leads out of frame with a label \"â to center of sun\". To the right is a 55 MPH speed limit sign, then an SR latch (flip-flop) labeled \"may use an actual sandal instead\". Connected to the Q of the SR latch is a holding pen and to the inverting Q output is a wire in a knot, a resistor labeled \"8mm\", a resistor symbol labeled \"not a resistor; wire just does this\", and a motor symbol labeled \"to scale\".\n\nUnder the wire that leads off to the center of the sun is a tangled mess of wires connected and jumping over each other, then a photo diode labeled \"tear collector\". Under the tear collector is a wire in the shape of a ECG. To the right is a light bulb, a capacitor-looking symbol labeled 3 liters, a resistor labeled yes, an unlabeled inductor, a resistor with a question mark as a label. To the right of all that is an inductor labeled \"take off shirt while wiring this part. Ooh, yeah, I like that.\" Finally, in the lower right hand corner is a ground symbol immersed in a beaker of holy water.]]", "alt": "I just caught myself idly trying to work out what that resistor mass would actually be, and realized I had self-nerd-sniped.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/circuit_diagram.png", "title": "Circuit Diagram", "day": "21" }, { "month": "4", "num": 731, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Desert Island", "transcript": "[[A man sits writing in a diary on a desert island, only the sandy tip of which with a palm tree on it stands above the water. Beneath the surface is a kelp forest, some sharks, a stingray, a shipwreck, a submarine, several large jellyfish, a giant squid fighting a sperm whale, a crashed plane, some coral formations, a thermal vent emitting a plume of smoke surrounded by several annelids, and a snail.]]\nMan: Day 44: Still stranded, with nothing but flat empty water as far as the eye can see.\n\n{{Title text: Telescopes and bathyscapes and sonar probes of Scottish lakes, Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse explained with abstract phase-space maps, some x-ray slides, a music score, Minard\u0027s Napoleonic war: the most exciting new frontier is charting what\u0027s already here.}}", "alt": "Telescopes and bathyscaphes and sonar probes of Scottish lakes, Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse explained with abstract phase-space maps, some x-ray slides, a music score, Minard\u0027s Napoleonic war: the most exciting new frontier is charting what\u0027s already here.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/desert_island.png", "title": "Desert Island", "day": "23" }, { "month": "4", "num": 732, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "HDTV", "transcript": "[[One person is pointing to a huge flatscreen HDTV on the wall. The other is holding a cell phone.]]\nHDTV Owner: Check out my new HDTV--a beautiful, high-def 1080p.\nFriend: Wow, that\u0027s over TWICE the horizontal resolution of my cell phone.\nFriend: In fact, it almost beats the LCD monitor I got in 2004.\n\nIt baffles me that people find HDTV impressive.\n\n{{Title text: We\u0027re also stuck with blurry, juddery, slow-panning 24fps movies forever because (thanks to 60fps home video) people associate high framerates with camcorders and cheap sitcoms, and thus think good framerates look \u0027fake\u0027.}}", "alt": "We\u0027re also stuck with blurry, juddery, slow-panning 24fps movies forever because (thanks to 60fps home video) people associate high framerates with camcorders and cheap sitcoms, and thus think good framerates look \u0027fake\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hdtv.png", "title": "HDTV", "day": "26" }, { "month": "4", "num": 733, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Eagle", "transcript": "[[A researcher is looking up into a tree, holding a clipboard in one hand and a radio in the other.]]\nResearcher: The eagle has left the nest.\nOff-Panel: *KHHHKHT* Roger that. Alert the agents. *KHKKHHKT*\nResearcher: Will you stop that?\n\nMy hobby: Following field biologists around and interpreting everything they say as code phrases.\n\n{{Title text: In the off-seasons, I hire an animal trainer to help confront secret agents with situations which they are unable to report by radio.}}", "alt": "In the off-seasons, I hire an animal trainer to help confront secret agents with situations which they are unable to report by radio.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/eagle.png", "title": "Eagle", "day": "28" }, { "month": "4", "num": 734, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Outbreak", "transcript": "The outbreak started with Patient Zero ...\n[[Two scientists, a man and a woman, stand outside a lab. A zombie is visible through the window.]]\nMan: He was exposed to toxin X-7--now he\u0027s a bloodthirsty monster!\nWoman: Has he been in isolation?\nZombie: Braaains!\n\nMan: Yes, but I can\u0027t hold this door for long!\nWoman: Hang on, I\u0027ve got a gun in my truck.\n[[She runs off.]]\nZombie (through door): \u003c\u003cwham\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The man opens the door as the woman shoots through it.]]\n\u003c\u003cBLAM\u003e\u003e\n\nAnd ended with Patient Zero five minutes later.\nMan: So, I never got your name. I\u0027m Ryan.\nWoman: Laura.\nThe remaining 90 minutes of the movie will be a romantic comedy.\n\n{{Title text: Let\u0027s get dinner after we promptly destroy all the X-7 in we\u0027ve manufactured.}}", "alt": "Let\u0027s get dinner after we promptly destroy all the X-7 we\u0027ve manufactured.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/outbreak.png", "title": "Outbreak", "day": "30" }, { "month": "5", "num": 735, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Floor", "transcript": "[[Three kids are in a living room. Furniture and other things are knocked over, broken, or tilted. The first kid is holding a handle of a plunger with cables goin offscreen.]]\nFirst Kid: I\u0027ve dynamited a trench through the kitchen to divert flow!\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\n[[The second kid is aiming a hose at the floor.]]\nSecond Kid: More hoses! We need to cool and solidify the surface layer!\n\u003c\u003cFWOOSH\u003e\u003e\n[[The third kid is standing on a chair, using a cell phone or radio.]]\nThird Kid: Where are the damn helicopters?\nLike many kids, we sometimes pretended the floor was lava.\n\n{{Title text: We once got grounded when we convinced the FAA to block flights through our county because of ash clouds.}}", "alt": "We once got grounded when we convinced the FAA to block flights through our county because of ash clouds.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/floor.png", "title": "Floor", "day": "3" }, { "month": "5", "num": 736, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cemetery", "transcript": "[[A person is in a cemetery, near a gravestone. Other people stand around staring.]]\nPerson: Frankly, you deserve this. You KNEW I wanted a sans-serif font, and you IGNOERD me.\nPerson: So really, this is YOUR fault.\nI\u0027ve discovered the worst place to wander while arguing on a hands-free headset.\n\n{{Title text: Three headstones down, I got a call from my mom and it went from bad to worse.}}", "alt": "Three headstones down, I got a call from my mom and it went from bad to worse.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cemetery.png", "title": "Cemetery", "day": "5" }, { "month": "5", "num": 737, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Yogurt", "transcript": "[[A person is holding a cup at arm\u0027s length. Waves of stink are rising from it.]]\nPerson 1: Oh God, how old is this yogurt in your fridge?\n[[Someone speaks from off-panel.]]\nPerson 2: What\u0027s hte expiration date?\n\n[[The first person holds up the cup to look at the bottom.]]\nPerson 1: May 12th, but there\u0027s no year.\n[[From off-panel again.]]\nIt\u0027s May 7th. So it\u0027s fine.\n\n[[Now the second person is on panel, and the first speaks from off-panel. The second person is sitting down working on a laptop.]]\nPerson 1:I\u0027m not sure. When it was packaged, was civilization using the Gregorian or Julian calendar?\nPerson 2: Okay, I\u0027ll throw it out.\nPerson 1: No, it might still be good!\n\n{{Title text: I am firmly of the opinion that if something doesn\u0027t have a year on it, every time the expiration date rolls around it is good again for the two weeks preceeding that date.}}", "alt": "I am firmly of the opinion that if something doesn\u0027t have a year on it, every time the expiration date rolls around it is good again for the two weeks preceding that date.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/yogurt.png", "title": "Yogurt", "day": "7" }, { "month": "5", "num": 738, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Incision", "transcript": "[[Two doctors wearing surgical masks are standing over a prone patient. One of them is poking the patient\u0027s chest.]]\nDoctor: I\u0027m making the incision above the left - \n\u003c\u003c BZZZZT! \u003e\u003e\nDoctor: Augh!\nOctober 8th, 2004:\nA child swallows an \u0027operation\u0027 buzzer, leading to the single most difficult surgery ever performed.\n\n{{Title text: At one point, by force of childhood habit, the doctor accidentally removed three or four organs.}}", "alt": "At one point, by force of childhood habit, the doctor accidentally removed three or four organs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/incision.png", "title": "Incision", "day": "10" }, { "month": "5", "num": 739, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "At Wikipedia\u0027s request, I release this comic\u003cbr /\u003eunder a \u003ca href=\"https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/us/\"\u003ecc-by-sa\u003c/a\u003e license.", "safe_title": "Malamanteau", "transcript": "((The strip is set up as the top of a Wikipedia page.))\n((The Wikipedia logo.))\nWikipedia\nThe free encyclopedia\n((Side navigation options.))\nNavigation\n- Main Page\n- Contents\n- Featured Content\n- Current Events\n((Wikipedia header options.))\nArticle Discussion Edit this page History\n((The article itself.))\nMalamanteau\nFrom Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia\nA malamanteau is a neologism for a portmanteau created by incorrectly combining a malapropism with a neologism. It is itself a portmanteau of ((... the article cuts off.))\n((Below the panel.))\nEver notice how Wikipedia has a few words it *really* likes?\n\n{{Title text: The article has twenty-three citations, one of which is an obscure manuscript from the 1490\u0027s and the other twenty-two are arguments on LanguageLog.}}", "alt": "The article has twenty-three citations, one of which is an obscure manuscript from the 1490\u0027s and the other twenty-two are arguments on LanguageLog.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/malamanteau.png", "title": "Malamanteau", "day": "12" }, { "month": "5", "num": 740, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Tell-Tale Beat", "transcript": "((The three panels show portions of a single scene. Although the characters are still stick figures, the artwork style is heavily crosshatched and shaded.))\n[[In the first panel there is a desk with monitor on it, and a painting of a woman above that. Next to it is a bookshelf.]]\nEver since I murdered Daft Punk\n\n[[There is a fireplace, with no fire. A rug lies before it. At the left end of the mantelpiece are two bottles, one tall, one round. Another photograph of a woman is in a frame at the right end. The bookshelf continues from the previous panel.]]\nAnd hid their bodies beneath the floorboards,\nI\u0027ve been haunted\n\n[[The narrator is clutching his head and leaning forward. A grandfather clock is behind him, next to a doorway. Above the doorway is a pallid bust of Pallas.]]\nBy this *pounding*.\n((White text on black.))\nUnn-Tss\nUnn-Tss\nUnn-Tss\n\n{{Title text: You fancy me mad. Could a madman have outsmarted the greatest electronica\ntechno artists of our era? Next to fall will be Roderick Usher\u0027s house\ntrance band.}}", "alt": "You fancy me mad. Could a madman have outsmarted the greatest electronica/techno artists of our era? Next to fall will be Roderick Usher\u0027s house/trance band.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_tell_tale_beat.png", "title": "The Tell-Tale Beat", "day": "14" }, { "month": "5", "num": 741, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blogging", "transcript": "[[A man stands on a stage before a large audience, holding a pointer and using it to highlight something on a screen behind him. He interacts with a member of the audience after making a point.]]\nPresenter: The key to making a successful blog is building a relationship with your readers.\nAudience Member: I thought it was \"make your updates good so people will want to read them.\"\nPresenter: We\u0027ll discuss content generation in part three.\nAudience Member: Awesome! I _LOVE_ content.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m looking to virally monetize your eyeballs by selling them for transplants.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m looking to virally monetize your eyeballs by selling them for transplants.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blogging.png", "title": "Blogging", "day": "17" }, { "month": "5", "num": 742, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Campfire", "transcript": "[[An adult stands in front of a campfire with three children listening intently. The adult holds a flashlight under his chin to create a menacing visage.]]\nAdult: But when she traced the killer\u0027s IP address... It was in the 192.168\n16 block!\nChildren, together: GASP!\n\n{{Title text: 100 years later, this story remains terrifying--not because it\u0027s the local network block, but because the killer is still on IPv4.}}", "alt": "100 years later, this story remains terrifying--not because it\u0027s the local network block, but because the killer is still on IPv4.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/campfire.png", "title": "Campfire", "day": "19" }, { "month": "5", "num": 743, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Infrastructures", "transcript": "2003:\n[[A man approaches a bearded fellow.]]\nMan: Did you get my essay?\nBearded Fellow: Yeah, it was good! But it was a .doc; You should really use a more open--\nMan: Give it a \nrest\n already. Maybe we just want to live our lives and use software that \nworks\n, not get wrapped up in your stupid nerd turf wars.\n\nBearded Fellow: I just want people to care about the infrastructures we\u0027re building and who--\nMan: No, you just want to feel smugly superior. You have no sense of perspective and are probably autistic.\n\n2010:\nMan: Oh my God! We handed control of our social world to Facebook and they\u0027re \nDOING EVIL STUFF!\n\nBearded Fellow: Do you see this?\n\n[[Inset, the bearded fellow rubs his index and middle fingers against his thumb.]]\nBearded Fellow: \nIt\u0027s the world\u0027s tiniest open-source violin.\n\n\n{{Title text: The heartfelt tune it plays is CC licensed, and you can get it from my seed on JoinDiaspora.net whenever that project gets going.}}", "alt": "The heartfelt tune it plays is CC licensed, and you can get it from my seed on JoinDiaspora.com whenever that project gets going.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/infrastructures.png", "title": "Infrastructures", "day": "21" }, { "month": "5", "num": 744, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Walkthrough", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a computer. His friend enters the room.]]\nMan at computer: How did the date go?\nFriend: I wanted to be prepared, so I looked up a sex walkthrough video.\n\n[[The two men sit silently contemplating the words of the previous moment.]]\n\nMan at computer: ...and?\nFriend: It turns out it was a speed run.\nMan at computer: Ouch.\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s nothing hotter than porn dubbed over with a poorly-mic\u0027d teenager\u0027s voice explaining each step in a droning monotone. \u0027okay, we\u0027re almost at the spawn point ... separate the labia, but watch out, there are more inside them ...\"}}", "alt": "There\u0027s nothing hotter than porn dubbed over with a poorly-mic\u0027d teenager\u0027s voice explaining each step in a droning monotone. \u0027okay, we\u0027re almost at the spawn point ... separate the labia, but watch out, there are more inside them ...\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/walkthrough.png", "title": "Walkthrough", "day": "24" }, { "month": "5", "num": 745, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dyslexics", "transcript": "[[A t-shirt is shown with the text \"DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!\" screen-printed on it.]]\nThe dyslexic support group ran into difficulties when they tried to make a joke fundraiser t-shirt.\n\n{{Title text: And of course I had to redo this like three times because I kept writing \u0027UNTIE\u0027; I kept doing \u0027doing \u0027doing it wrong\u0027 wrong\u0027 wrong.}}", "alt": "And of course I had to redo this like three times because I kept writing \u0027UNTIE\u0027; I kept doing \u0027doing \u0027doing it wrong\u0027 wrong\u0027 wrong.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dyslexics.png", "title": "Dyslexics", "day": "26" }, { "month": "5", "num": 746, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Birth", "transcript": "[[A woman is giving birth. A doctor stands near the end of the table.]]\nDoctor: Okay, the head is starting to crown.\nDoctor: Push!\n\nDoctor: Wait, that\u0027s... that\u0027s a tube.\n\nDoctor: It looks like the barrel of a...\n\u003c\u003cCLICK\u003e\u003e\n\n[[A voice, that of the baby, comes from the woman\u0027s vagina.]]\nBaby: Nobody move--this is a stick-up!\nDoctor: Oh, God! Stop pushing, Megan!\nDoctor: Can you... pull?\n\n{{Title text: All those GTA marathons during the pregnancy were a bad idea.}}", "alt": "All those GTA marathons during the pregnancy were a bad idea.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/birth.png", "title": "Birth", "day": "28" }, { "month": "5", "num": 747, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Geeks and Nerds", "transcript": "[[There is a two-circle Venn diagram; the left circle is labeled \"Geeks,\" the right \"Nerds.\" The intersection is labeled \"People with strong opinions on the distinction between geeks and nerds.\"]]\n\n{{Title text: The definitions I grew up with were that a geek is someone unusually into something (so you could have computer geeks, baseball geeks, theater geeks, etc) and nerds are (often awkward) science, math, or computer geeks. But definitions vary.}}", "alt": "The definitions I grew up with were that a geek is someone unusually into something (so you could have computer geeks, baseball geeks, theater geeks, etc) and nerds are (often awkward) science, math, or computer geeks. But definitions vary.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geeks_and_nerds.png", "title": "Geeks and Nerds", "day": "31" }, { "month": "6", "num": 748, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Worst-Case Scenario", "transcript": "[[Two reporters, a man and a woman, point microphones toward a scientist.]]\nFemale reporter: Dr. Scientist! The \"Top Kill\" has failed! What\u0027s the worse-case scenario for the gulf?\nDr. Scientist: The worst-case scenario is what\u0027s happening now.\n\nReporter, out of frame: Yes, but is there any way it could get worse?\nDr. Scientist: Sure, but there are real disasters happening now, and you\u0027re substituting speculation and voyeurism for the investigative journalism we--\nReporter: Screw this! Let\u0027s ask Michael Bay.\n\n[[The reporters, now joined by a camerawoman, approach Michael Bay with their microphones.]]\nMichael Bay: The worst case? A hurricane tracks into the gulf, whipping the surface of the spill into a frothy mix of oil and air.\n\n[[An alligator-filled conflagration atop a massive ocean wave approaches land.]]\nMichael Bay, narrating: As the storm surges through the bayous, sparking power lines ignite the fuel\nair mixture into a roiling, alligator-filled wall of flame.\n\n[[A map of the gulf coast of Louisiana and southwest Mississippi is depicted with the current routes of the Mississippi and Atchafalaya Rivers highlighted. An arrow indicating a new primary flow of the Mississippi\u0027s waters into the Atchafalaya points toward southern Louisiana.]]\nMichael Bay, narrating: Plowing northward, the fire hurricane destroys the Old River Control Structure in Concordia, rerouting the Mississippi westward and sweeping Morgan City and the heart of cajun country out to sea.\n\nMichael Bay: James Carville emerges from the conflagration riding a burning alligator...\nReporter, out of frame: Will this affect the midterm elections?\nMichael Bay: \nMassively.\n\n\n{{Title text: To get serious analyses of hurricanes and oil slicks, see Jeff Masters\u0027 blog. To get serious discussions of worst-case scenario thinking, see Bruce Schneier\u0027s blog. To get enough Vitamin D, don\u0027t read any blogs and go outside instead.}}", "alt": "To get serious analyses of hurricanes and oil slicks, see Jeff Masters\u0027 blog. To get serious discussions of worst-case scenario thinking, see Bruce Schneier\u0027s blog. To get enough Vitamin D, don\u0027t read any blogs and go outside instead.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/worst_case_scenario.png", "title": "Worst-Case Scenario", "day": "2" }, { "month": "6", "num": 749, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Study", "transcript": "[[A posted flier with tear-off strips at the bottom reads: \"Volunteers Needed for a scientific study investigating whether people can distinguish between scientific studies and kidney-harvesting scams. (Healthy Type-O Adults Only) TAKE ONE\" Five of the strips are torn off.]]\n\n{{Title text: Volunteers needed for a study on transmission of urushiol from digital contact with thin strips of fibrous cellulose pulp.}}", "alt": "Volunteers needed for a study on transmission of urushiol from digital contact with thin strips of fibrous cellulose pulp.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/study.png", "title": "Study", "day": "4" }, { "month": "6", "num": 750, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Book Burning", "transcript": "[[A man holds a book aloft, displaying it to his two acquaintances.]]\nMan: This book is full of heresy!\nAcquaintance: Let\u0027s hold a book burning!\n\n[[They confer more, then one acquaintance runs off.]]\nMan: I only have one copy.\nAcquaintance #1: I guess we could buy more.\nAcquaintance #2: I\u0027ll look online.\n\n[[A screenshot from an online retailer\u0027s page displays pricing for the hardcover ($17.99) and Kindle ($9.99) editions of the mentioned book.]]\n\n[[The front page of a newspaper, titled \"News\", is shown above the fold. The first article\u0027s headline reads \"Eight dead from toxic fume inhalation\" and a picture is shown depicting three bodies strewn around a massive plume of tar-black smoke.]]\n\n{{Title text: Of course, since their cautionary tale was reported in a print newspaper, no one read it.}}", "alt": "Of course, since their cautionary tale was reported in a print newspaper, no one read it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/book_burning.png", "title": "Book Burning", "day": "7" }, { "month": "6", "num": 751, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Swimsuit Issue", "transcript": "[[A young boy holds a magazine. His father comes running into the room.]]\nBoy: What\u0027s this?\nFather: Oh! That\u0027s daddy\u0027s \nSports Illustrated\n swimsuit issue! It\u0027s not appropriate for--\nBoy: Wow! They look just like the ladies who get double-penetrated in the popup ads! But with clothes on! Gosh!\n\n{{Title text: Parents: talk to your kids about popup blockers. Also, at some point, sex. But crucial fundamentals first!}}", "alt": "Parents: talk to your kids about popup blockers. Also, at some point, sex. But crucial fundamentals first!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/swimsuit_issue.png", "title": "Swimsuit Issue", "day": "9" }, { "month": "6", "num": 752, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Phobia", "transcript": "[[A blonde woman and a brunette woman observe a snake on the ground.]]\nBlonde: Whoa, a snake!\nBrunette: Cool!\nBlonde: I\u0027m afraid of snakes.\n\n[[The brunette looks pensive.]]\nBrunette: I\u0027m afraid of saying \"Everything\u0027s complicated right now, but maybe next year\" until there are no more years left.\n\n[[The blonde considers her response.]]\n\n[[The brunette cuts her off mid-sentence.]]\nBlonde: Do you--\nBrunette: I want to be a storm chaser.\n\n[[A tornado reaches from the black storm clouds to the earth, kicking up a sizable cloud of debris at its base. The blonde woman is at the wheel of a car, the brunette hanging out the window and holding a camera.]]\n\n{{Title text: Oh God, the tornado picked up snakes!}}", "alt": "Oh God, the tornado picked up snakes!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/phobia.png", "title": "Phobia", "day": "11" }, { "month": "6", "num": 753, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Southern Half", "transcript": "The great battlefield for the defense and expansion of freedom today is the whole southern half of the globe -- Asia, Latin America, Africa, and the Middle East.\n-John F. Kennedy, 1961 speech to Congress.\n\n[[An ovoid world map, with Latin America colored in red, Africa in yellow, the Middle East in green, and Asia in Blue. There is an arrow pointing to the top of the map marked \u0027northern half\u0027, and another arrow pointing to the bottom half marked \u0027southern half.\u0027 The majority of these places are actually in the northern half.]]\n\nOkay, so I\u0027m half a century late on this, but it\u0027s been bugging me: did JFK \nown\n a globe?\n\n{{Title text: Also, if you read his speech at Rice, all his arguments for going to the moon work equally well as arguments for blowing up the moon, sending cloned dinosaurs into space, or constructing a towering penis-shaped obelisk on Mars.}}", "alt": "Also, if you read his speech at Rice, all his arguments for going to the moon work equally well as arguments for blowing up the moon, sending cloned dinosaurs into space, or constructing a towering penis-shaped obelisk on Mars.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/southern_half.png", "title": "Southern Half", "day": "14" }, { "month": "6", "num": 754, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dependencies", "transcript": "((A portion of a page from an imaginary course catalog.)\n\n[[A table with four columns labeled Department, Course, Description, and Prereqs. Under \u0027Department\u0027 it reads, \"computer science\". Under \u0027course\u0027 it reads, \"CPSC 432\". Under \u0027Description\u0027 it reads, \"Intermediate compiler design, with a focus on dependency resolution.\" Under \u0027Prereqs\u0027 it reads, \"CPSC 432\". \n\n{{Title text: The prereqs for CPSC 357, the class on package management, are CPCS 432, CPSC 357, and glibc2.5 or later.}}", "alt": "The prereqs for CPSC 357, the class on package management, are CPSC 432, CPSC 357, and glibc2.5 or later.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dependencies.png", "title": "Dependencies", "day": "16" }, { "month": "6", "num": 755, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interdisciplinary", "transcript": "[[2 men and 1 woman stand in the foreground, while in the background, a woman stands on a platform and releases a pendulum hanging from the ceiling toward a man who is running away.]]\n\nMan #2: This is an interdisciplinary program in which Physics students try to hit Psychology students with pedulums. \nWoman: Promising!\nBackground man: AAAAAAA!\n\nMy professors had an ongoing competition to get the weirdest thing taken seriously under the label \"interdisciplinary program.\"\n\n{{Title text: Replace the pendulums with history students and you\u0027ll qualify for a grant!}}", "alt": "Replace the pendulums with history students and you\u0027ll qualify for a grant!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interdisciplinary.png", "title": "Interdisciplinary", "day": "18" }, { "month": "6", "num": 756, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Public Opinion", "transcript": "[[A news anchor reads from a paper. There is a picture on the left side of screen of a man speaking at a podium. In the bottom right-hand corner, a logo reads \u0027News24\u0027.]]\n\nNews anchor: A leading politician today charged that the media, rather than informing people, now merely report on public ignorance. Do our viewers agree? Let\u0027s hear from some voices on the street...\n\n{{Title text: News networks giving a greater voice to viewers because the social web is so popular are like a chef on the Titanic who, seeing the looming iceberg and fleeing customers, figures ice is the future and starts making snow cones.}}", "alt": "News networks giving a greater voice to viewers because the social web is so popular are like a chef on the Titanic who, seeing the looming iceberg and fleeing customers, figures ice is the future and starts making snow cones.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/public_opinion.png", "title": "Public Opinion", "day": "21" }, { "month": "6", "num": 757, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Toot", "transcript": "[[A man is talking to Hatman.]]\nMan: I don\u0027t mean to toot my own horn, but I \nwas\n first in my class at Caltech. \n\n[[The man falls backward as Hatman sounds an air horn in his face.]]\nHatman: Really? I don\u0027t mean to toot my own horn, but\n\u003c\u003cBRAAAAAAP!\u003e\u003e\n\n[[A picture of an air horn.]]\nAir horns: worth carrying around your entire life for those few perfect moments.\n\n{{Title text: This is also one of only five identified situations in which a vuvuzela is actually appropriate.}}", "alt": "This is also one of only five identified situations in which a vuvuzela is actually appropriate.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/toot.png", "title": "Toot", "day": "23" }, { "month": "6", "num": 758, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Raptor Fences", "transcript": "[[A man checks a computer terminal, another man is running off in the opposite direction.]]\n\nMan 1: The raptor fences are down. They\u0027re loose.\nMan 2: I\u0027ll get a broom and dustpan.\n\nCaption: Jurassic Park got a lot less scary when the researchers discovered they could ativate the gene for extreme dwarfism.\n\n{{Title text: If at least one person has a nightmare about being swarmed by hundreds of mouse-sized dromaeosaurids, my work will have been done.}}\n", "alt": "If at least one person has a nightmare about being swarmed by hundreds of mouse-sized dromaeosaurids, my work will have been done.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/raptor_fences.png", "title": "Raptor Fences", "day": "25" }, { "month": "6", "num": 759, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "3x9", "transcript": "[[A problem is given on an arithmetic test: \"4) 3x9=?\". In handwriting, the student\u0027s work follows. The student has accurately reformatted the question as 3 times the square root of 81, which visually resembles the long division problem of 3 divided into 81, and then solved the latter to get 27--the correct answer to both.]]\n\n{{Title text: Handy exam trick: when you know the answer but not the correct derivation, derive blindly forward from the givens and backward from the answer, and join the chains once the equations start looking similar. Sometimes the graders don\u0027t notice the seam.}}", "alt": "Handy exam trick: when you know the answer but not the correct derivation, derive blindly forward from the givens and backward from the answer, and join the chains once the equations start looking similar. Sometimes the graders don\u0027t notice the seam.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/3x9.png", "title": "3x9", "day": "28" }, { "month": "6", "num": 760, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Moria", "transcript": "[[A far shot of Gandalf the Grey and the four hobbits standing in a dark, underground city.]]\nGandalf: Behold, Khazad-Dum; the \nDwarrowdelf\n; the mines of Moria -- once the greatest and mightiest city of the dwarves.\n\n[[Full body shot of Gandalf.]]\nGandalf: But the dwarves delved too greedily. \n\n[[Close-up on Gandalf.]]\nGandalf: \nAnd too deep.\n\n\n[[Full shot of the hobbits and Gandalf.]]\nHobbit: ...and awoke a terror of shadow and flame?\nGandalf: No. They couldn\u0027t get out.\n\n{{Title text: Someone should really bring them a ladder and remind them to build the Endless Stair *first* next time.}}", "alt": "Someone should really bring them a ladder and remind them to build the Endless Stair *first* next time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/moria.png", "title": "Moria", "day": "30" }, { "month": "7", "num": 761, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "DFS", "transcript": "[[A man with wet hair and a towel around his waist thinks with his hand to his chin.]]\nMan: (What situations might I prepare for? 1) medical emergency, 2) dancing, 3) food too expensive...)\n\n[[Close-up on man\u0027s face.]]\nMan: (Okay, what kind of emergencies can happen? 1)A) snakebite, B) lightning strike, C) fall from chair...)\n\n[[Still thinking...]]\nMan: (Hmm. Which snakes are dangerous? Let\u0027s see... 1)A)a) Corn Snake? b) Garter Snake? c) Copperhead?)\n\n[[Sits down in a chair with a laptop, still wearing towel.]]\nMan: (The research comparing snake venoms is scattered and inconsistent. I\u0027ll make a spreadsheet to organize it.)\n\n((Bottom panel is larger than top four, and aligned to right.))\n[[A woman meets the man on his front stoop. She is carrying a purse, and looks down at his towel. The man holds his arms in the air triumphantly.]]\nWoman: I\u0027m here to pick you up. You\u0027re not dressed?\nMan: By LDsub50, the Inland Taipan has the deadliest venom of ANY snake! \n\nCaption: I really need to stop using depth-first searches.\n\n{{Title text: A breadth-first search makes a lot of sense for dating in general, actually; it suggests dating a bunch of people casually before getting serious, rather than having a series five-year relationships one after the other.}}", "alt": "A breadth-first search makes a lot of sense for dating in general, actually; it suggests dating a bunch of people casually before getting serious, rather than having a series of five-year relationships one after the other.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dfs.png", "title": "DFS", "day": "2" }, { "month": "7", "num": 762, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Analogies", "transcript": "[[Two men sit in front of the TV, one on the couch, the other on the floor. A woman stands by the TV set.]]\nWoman: While I\u0027m up, does anyone want a sandwich?\nMan 1: Is \"sandwich\" a metaphor?\n\nWoman: No, I\u0027m bad at metaphors. But I could try a simile.\nMan 1: I guess that\u0027s \nlike\n a metaphor. Sure.\n\n[[As the woman starts to walk away, the men continue to speak.]]\nMan 2: Well, \"a simile is like a metaphor\" is a simile.\nMan 1: Is that simile itself a metaphor for something?\nMan 2: Maybe it\u0027s a metaphor for analogy.\n\n[[The two men are still sitting in the same place while the woman is out of the panel.]]\nMan 1: Similes \nare\n metaphors in that they\u0027re both analogies.\nWoman: Analogies are like sandwiches in that I\u0027m making one now.\n\n{{Title text: I just call all of them \u0027synecdoche\u0027.}}", "alt": "I just call all of them \u0027synecdoche\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/analogies.png", "title": "Analogies", "day": "5" }, { "month": "7", "num": 763, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Workaround", "transcript": "[[A man stands at a computer terminal, while another man behind him stands with his head in his hands.]]\n\nMan 1: See, I\u0027ve got a really good system: if I want to send a YouTube video to someone, I go to File -\u003e Save, then import the saved page into Word. Then I go to \"Share This Document\" and under \"recipient\" I put the email of this video extraction service...\n\nCaption: I\u0027ll often encourage relatives to try to solve computer problems themselves by trial and error. However, I\u0027ve learned an important lesson: if they say they\u0027ve solved their problem, \nnever\n ask how.\n\n{{Title text: I once worked on a friend\u0027s dad\u0027s computer. He had the hard drive divided into eight partitions, C: through H:, with a \u0027Documents\u0027 directory tree on each one. Each new file appeared to be saved to a partition at random. I knew enough not to ask.}}", "alt": "I once worked on a friend\u0027s dad\u0027s computer. He had the hard drive divided into six partitions, C: through J:, with a \u0027Documents\u0027 directory tree on each one. Each new file appeared to be saved to a partition at random. I knew enough not to ask.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/workaround.png", "title": "Workaround", "day": "7" }, { "month": "7", "num": 764, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "One Two", "transcript": "[[A television set with The Count from \u0027Sesame Street\u0027.]]\n\nThe Count: One! Ah ah ah... Two! Ah ah ah... ...Many! ah ah ah...\n\nCaption: Primitive cultures develop Sesame Street.\n\n{{Title text: Cue letters from anthropology majors complaining that this view of numerolinguistic development perpetuates a widespread myth. They get to write letters like that because when you\u0027re not getting a real science degree you have a lot of free time.}}", "alt": "Cue letters from anthropology majors complaining that this view of numerolinguistic development perpetuates a widespread myth. They get to write letters like that because when you\u0027re not getting a real science degree you have a lot of free time. Zing!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/one_two.png", "title": "One Two", "day": "9" }, { "month": "7", "num": 765, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dilution", "transcript": "[[A man stands at a desk with a beaker in one hand and a turkey baster in the other. A woman lies in a bed in the same room.]]\n\nMan: Okay, this time I\u0027ve diluted the semen 30x.\nWoman: We\u0027ll be \nsure\n to get pregnant now!\n\n{{Title text: Dear editors of Homeopathy Monthly: I have two small corrections for your July issue. One, it\u0027s spelled \"echinacea\", and two, homeopathic medicines are no better than placebos and your entire magazine is a sham.}}", "alt": "Dear editors of Homeopathy Monthly: I have two small corrections for your July issue. One, it\u0027s spelled \"echinacea\", and two, homeopathic medicines are no better than placebos and your entire magazine is a sham.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dilution.png", "title": "Dilution", "day": "12" }, { "month": "7", "num": 766, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Green Flash", "transcript": "[[Hatman and Stickman are standing on the beach, watching the sun set. Hatman is holding something, perhaps a cosh, in his left hand.]]\n\nHatman: Did you know that if you stare at the sun just as it sets, you can see a green flash? \n(smaller)And feel a sharp blow to the head, and hear the faint hum of me driving away in your new Tesla Roadster?\n\n{{Title text: The exact cause of the phenomenon is unknown, but it\u0027s thought to be linked to atmospheric refraction and you getting a really cool car.}}", "alt": "The exact cause of the phenomenon is unknown, but it\u0027s thought to be linked to atmospheric refraction and you getting a really cool car.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/green_flash.png", "title": "Green Flash", "day": "14" }, { "month": "7", "num": 767, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Temper", "transcript": "[[A black frame with the text [NO VIDEO] in the center, speech is in bubbles.]]\n\nVoice: Sometimes, when we disagree, I feel frustrated. But I never forget how lucky I am to have you in my family. Always remember how special you are.\n\nCaption: 1981: An audio recorder on the set catches Fred Rogers fighting with his wife.\n\n{{Title text: Mr. Rogers projected an air of genuine, unwavering, almost saintly pure-hearted decency. But when you look deeper, at the person behind the image ... that\u0027s exactly what you find there, too. He\u0027s exactly what he appears to be.}}", "alt": "Mr. Rogers projected an air of genuine, unwavering, almost saintly pure-hearted decency. But when you look deeper, at the person behind the image ... that\u0027s exactly what you find there, too. He\u0027s exactly what he appears to be.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/temper.png", "title": "Temper", "day": "16" }, { "month": "7", "num": 768, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "1996", "transcript": "[[A man is going through a cardboard box marked \"MISC\", and finds a catalog. A woman looks on.]]\nMan: Check it out -- old \nComputer Shoppers\n! Wow -- in 1996, $3,000 would get you a 100 MHz Pentium system with a parallel port, \ntwo\n serial ports, a 2MB video card, and \"MS-Windows\"\nWoman: \nNice!\n\n\n[[The two are face-to-face, and they each have a separate copy of Computer Shopper.]]\nWoman: And $299 would get you a Palm Pilot 100- -- 16MHz, 128Kb storage, and a memo pad, calendar, and state-of-the-art address book that can store over 100 names!\nMan: Oooh!\n\n[[The man continues to read from his.]]\nMan: And $110 would get you a bulky TI graphing calculator with around 10MHz CPU, 24Kb RAM, and a 96x64-pixel B\nW display!\nWoman: Times sure have... ...have... uh.\n\n[[They both put down their catalogs.]]\nMan: Okay, what the hell, T.I.?\nWoman: Maybe they cost so much now because there\u0027s only one engineer left who remembers how to make displays \nthat\n crappy.\n\n{{Title text: College Board issues aside, I have fond memories oi TI-BASIC, writing in it a 3D graphing engine and a stock market analyzer. With enough patience, I could make anything ... but friends. (Although with my chatterbot experiments, I certainly tried.)}}", "alt": "College Board issues aside, I have fond memories of TI-BASIC, writing in it a 3D graphing engine and a stock market analyzer. With enough patience, I could make anything ... but friends. (Although with my chatterbot experiments, I certainly tried.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1996.png", "title": "1996", "day": "19" }, { "month": "7", "num": 769, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "War", "transcript": "[[A soldier is on the ground behind a low wall, writing a letter.]]\n\nMy Dearest Cordelia,\n\nIt has been far too long since I last gazed upon your lithe and supple body through my telescopic sights, and I fear you may have found a superior vantage poin--\n\n\u003c\u003cBLAM!\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cBLAM!\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cBLAM!\u003e\u003e\n\n--a splendid effort, my love, but your shots find only a decoy, and reveal your position atop the maintenance shed.\n\nI pray this missive and my grenades find you well.\n\nWar is hell.\n\n{{Title text: They offered to make me a green beret, but I liked my regular one. Although it gets kind of squashed under my helmet.}}", "alt": "They offered to make me a green beret, but I liked my regular one. Although it gets kind of squashed under my helmet.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/war.png", "title": "War", "day": "21" }, { "month": "7", "num": 770, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "All the Girls", "transcript": "[[Guy and girl are standing together.]]\n\nGuy: I\u0027m so lucky to have you.\n\nGuy: I love you most out of all the girls in all the world\n\n[[They embrace.]]\nGuy: who love me back.\n\n{{Title text: You know that I\u0027ll never leave you. Not as long as she\u0027s with someone.}}", "alt": "You know that I\u0027ll never leave you. Not as long as she\u0027s with someone.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/all_the_girls.png", "title": "All the Girls", "day": "23" }, { "month": "7", "num": 771, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Period Speech", "transcript": "[[A sword-wielding actor on a stage addresses three others; one has a spear, another a handgun and a knife, and the third a laptop.]]\nActor: Forsooth, do you grok my jive, me hearties?\nActors: Ten-four!\nA few centuries from now, all the English of the past 400 years will sound equally old-timey and interchangeable.\n\n{{Title text: The same people who spend their weekends at the Blogger Reenactment Festivals will whine about the anachronisms in historical movies, but no one else will care.}}", "alt": "The same people who spend their weekends at the Blogger Reenactment Festivals will whine about the anachronisms in historical movies, but no one else will care.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/period_speech.png", "title": "Period Speech", "day": "26" }, { "month": "7", "num": 772, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Frogger", "transcript": "[[Frogger is standing by the side of the road, looking out into traffic, which includes several semis and a couple sedans.]]\n\n[[Frogger hops out in front of a semi.]]\n\u003c\u003chop\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The semi swerves into the next lane, in front of one of the sedans.]]\n\n[[They collide, the sedan crumpling into the cab of the truck.]]\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Smoke pours from the two wrecked vehicles. Frogger hops back to the side of the road.]]\n\u003c\u003chop\u003e\u003e\nBystander (off-panel): Oh god!\nOther Bystander (off-panel): Someone call 911!\nAnother Bystander (off-panel): Mom!\n\n{{Title text: I understand you and your team worked hard on this, but when we said to make it more realistic, we meant the graphics.}}", "alt": "I understand you and your team worked hard on this, but when we said to make it more realistic, we meant the graphics.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frogger.png", "title": "Frogger", "day": "28" }, { "month": "7", "num": 773, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "University Website", "transcript": "[[A venn diagram. The left circle is labeled \"things on the front page of a university website\" and contains \"campus photo slideshow,\" \"alumni in the news,\" \"promotions for campus events,\" \"press releases,\" \"statement of the school\u0027s philosophy,\" \"letter from the president,\" and \"virtual tour.\" The right circle is labeled \"things people go to the site looking for\" and contains \"list of faculty phone numbers and emails,\" \"campus address,\" \"application forms,\" \"academic calendar,\" \"campus police phone number,\" \"department\ncourse lists,\" \"parking information,\" and \"usable campus map.\" The only item in the overlapping section is \"full name of school.\"]]\n{{Title text: People go to the website because they can\u0027t wait for the next alumni magazine, right? What do you mean, you want a campus map? One of our students made one as a CS class project back in \u002701! You can click to zoom and everything!}}", "alt": "People go to the website because they can\u0027t wait for the next alumni magazine, right? What do you mean, you want a campus map? One of our students made one as a CS class project back in \u002701! You can click to zoom and everything!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/university_website.png", "title": "University Website", "day": "30" }, { "month": "8", "num": 774, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Atheists", "transcript": "Guy: Personally, I find atheists just as annoying as fundamentalist Christians.\nGirl: Well, the important thing is that you\u0027ve found a way to feel superior to both.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027But you\u0027re using that same tactic to try to feel superior to me, too!\u0027 \u0027Sorry, that accusation expires after one use per conversation.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027But you\u0027re using that same tactic to try to feel superior to me, too!\u0027 \u0027Sorry, that accusation expires after one use per conversation.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/atheists.png", "title": "Atheists", "day": "2" }, { "month": "8", "num": 775, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Savannah Ancestry", "transcript": "[[A man and woman are at a blackboard with equations and graphs on it.]]\nMan: Look, I\u0027m doing my best, but the fact is your savannah ancestors just didn\u0027t prepare you for doing abstract math.\nWoman: See, that\u0027s just the kind of bullshit sexism that discredits evo-psych. Your \"evolutionary histories\" always seem tuned to produce 1950\u0027s gender roles.\nMan: Evolutionary? What? I meant Savannah, Georgia.\nWoman: ... Hey! Let\u0027s leave my mom out of this.\n\n{{Title text: She\u0027s a perfectly nice lady from a beautiful city, and there\u0027s no reason to be mean just because she thinks a quarterback is a river in Egypt.}}", "alt": "She\u0027s a perfectly nice lady from a beautiful city, and there\u0027s no reason to be mean just because she thinks a quarterback is a river in Egypt.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/savannah_ancestry.png", "title": "Savannah Ancestry", "day": "4" }, { "month": "8", "num": 776, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Still No Sleep", "transcript": "[[Woozy person walks and speaks.]]\nPerson: The sleep deprivation madness worsens.\n\n[[Person examines hands.]]\nPerson: Things seem unreal. Am I even awake? Maybe I\u0027m dreaming.\n\n[[Person approaches a tree with a squirrel on it.]]\nPerson: I\u0027m pretty sure I\u0027m hallucinating this tree.\n\nPerson: But what if I\u0027m hallucinating that I\u0027m hallucinating, and I\u0027m actually totally sane?\nSquirrel: Listen.\nSquirrel: I wouldn\u0027t worry about that.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m not listening to you. I mean, what does a SQUIRREL know about mental health?}}", "alt": "I\u0027m not listening to you. I mean, what does a SQUIRREL know about mental health?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/still_no_sleep.png", "title": "Still No Sleep", "day": "6" }, { "month": "8", "num": 777, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pore Strips", "transcript": "[[A box of pore strips, marked \"deep cleaning.\"]]\n\n[[Person examinnes the box.]]\n\n[[Person applies strip to face.]]\n\n[[Person pulls on strip.]]\n\n[[Person pulls skull out of head with pore strip.]]\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m sure they\u0027re a harmful tool of the cosmetics-industrial complex and all, but my goodness do those strips ever work to pull gunk out of your pores. I was shocked, disgusted, and vaguely fascinated by the result.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m sure they\u0027re a harmful tool of the cosmetics-industrial complex and all, but my goodness do those strips ever work to pull gunk out of your pores. I was shocked, disgusted, and vaguely fascinated by the result.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pore_strips.png", "title": "Pore Strips", "day": "9" }, { "month": "8", "num": 778, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scheduling", "transcript": "[[Pizza guy enters through door; maid is dusting.]]\nPizza Guy: Pizza delivery! Did someone order a hot sausag--\nMaid: Mon dieu! Monsieur is home early--\nBoth: Wait, who are you?\n\nPizza guy: Wait, this is the Jones\u0027, right? Their daughter was supposed to be having a party!\nMaid: No, I thought Mr. Jones was coming home early.\n\n[[Pizza guy is off-panel left as plumber enters from the right.]]\nPizza guy: But I thought--\nPlumber: Howdy, Mrs. Jones. I hear you need some plumbi--\nPlumber: Who are you?\n\n[[The pizza guy looks in a cabinet; the others are off-panel right.]]\nMaid: Sorry, big mixup.\nPizza guy: Hey, check out out--the Joneses have Agricola!\nPlumber: I love that game!\n\n[[Mr. Jones and Miss Jones arrive home. Pizza guy, maid, and plumber are sitting on the floor playing Agricola.]]\nMr. Jones: What in the name of ...\nPizza guy: Dammit, I wanted that grain.\nMaid: Hush, you have starting player.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027How about a little ... *family growth*?\u0027 \u0027Dude, that\u0027s not until round two.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027How about a little ... *family growth*?\u0027 \u0027Dude, that\u0027s not until round two.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scheduling.png", "title": "Scheduling", "day": "11" }, { "month": "8", "num": 779, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Anxiety", "transcript": "[[There is an airport security checkpoint where a queue of ten passengers is waiting to go through a backscatter x-ray scanner. Near the back of the line, Hat Guy is standing next to a stand which says \"Viagra \n $20\". One passenger next to him is drinking a glass of water; another is contemplating the sign.]]\nSecurity Guard (thinking): Oh god.\n\n{{Title text: Don\u0027t need any, thanks. I have a backscattering fetish.}}", "alt": "Don\u0027t need any, thanks. I have a backscattering fetish.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/anxiety.png", "title": "Anxiety", "day": "13" }, { "month": "8", "num": 780, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sample", "transcript": "HOW TO BECOME THE MOST HATED BAND IN THE WORLD:\nRecord an album that\u0027s nothing but brilliant, catchy instant classics guaranteed popularity and airtime,\n[[A man driving in a car, hands off the wheel in sudden surprise and confusion.]]\n\u003c\u003cmusic: So far from hooome but I can\u0027t sto-HONK\u003e\u003e\nMan: AUGH! WHAT?\nWith a sample of a car horn, cell phone, or alarm clock inserted randomly in each song.\n{{Title text: There are two or three songs out there with beeps in the chorus that sound exactly like the clock radio alarm I had in high school, and hearing it makes me think my life since junior year has been a dream I\u0027m about to wake up from.}}", "alt": "There are two or three songs out there with beeps in the chorus that sound exactly like the clock radio alarm I had in high school, and hearing it makes me think my life since junior year has been a dream I\u0027m about to wake up from.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sample.png", "title": "Sample", "day": "16" }, { "month": "8", "num": 781, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ahead Stop", "transcript": "[[Words are painted in white on a black road.]]\nBACKWARD.\nI READ\nTHINK\nENGINEERS\nHIGHWAY\n\n{{Title text: They actually started the reversed-text practice in 1973 -- not for ease-of-reading reasons, but because too many people were driving backward down the highway blasting the Star Wars opening theme.}}", "alt": "They actually started the reversed-text practice in 1977 -- not for ease-of-reading reasons, but because too many people were driving backward down the highway blasting the Star Wars opening theme.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ahead_stop.png", "title": "Ahead Stop", "day": "18" }, { "month": "8", "num": 782, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Desecration", "transcript": "[[A woman runs up to a man.]]\nWoman: Rob! Rob!\nMan: You look terrified! What\u0027s wrong?\nWoman: We\u0027ve made a huge mistake!\n\n[[The woman and man stand facing each other.]]\nWoman: Remember last week when we dug up all those Indian bones and made puppets out of them?\nMan: Sure...\n\n[[The woman holds her arms out for emphasis, the man puts his hands to his face in horror.]]\nWoman: It turns out they were buried over an \nancient Indian burial ground!\n\nMan: \nOh my God!\n\n\n{{Title text: It gets worse! You know that wizened old monk with the gypsy wife whose voodoo shop we smash up every every day after school?}}", "alt": "It gets worse! You know that wizened old monk with the gypsy wife whose voodoo shop we smash up every day after school?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/desecration.png", "title": "Desecration", "day": "20" }, { "month": "8", "num": 783, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "I Don\u0027t Want Directions", "transcript": "[[Full body shot of man on phone.]]\nMan: Looking forward to seeing your new place! What\u0027s the address? -- Mm hmm. Yes, I\u0027m taking 495. But I have a GPS, so I really just need the street address.\n\n[[Close up.]]\nMan: ...then south on 18, okay, but I have a GPS, so if you just want to skip to the street address, I can...\n\n[[Full body shot, facing other direction.]]\nMan: Thanks, I\u0027m glad to know Highland Road comes a mile after the big intersection, but I keep saying I \nhave a GPS,\n can you tell me the street address? ... Technically that\u0027s just more information on how to get to your place, not the address itself. If you could--\n\n[[Close up again, man writing on pad.]]\nMan: ...I appreciate that you want to help, but I\u0027m \nignoring\n you and just waiting for the... Listen, I just remembered I need to mail you a letter. What\u0027s your address? -- Mhm... okay... Great, Thanks! I\u0027ll see you in an hour!\n\n{{Title text: Yes, I understand that the turn is half a mile past the big field, but my GPS knows that, too. This would be easier if you weren\u0027t about to ask me to repeat it all back to you.}}", "alt": "Yes, I understand that the turn is half a mile past the big field, but my GPS knows that, too. This would be easier if you weren\u0027t about to ask me to repeat it all back to you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_dont_want_directions.png", "title": "I Don\u0027t Want Directions", "day": "23" }, { "month": "8", "num": 784, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Falling Asleep", "transcript": "[[A man gets into bed.]]\nIt\u0027s so much easier\nfalling asleep\n\n[[A woman is lying in bed, gripping her pillow.]]\nWith you beside me--\n\n[[The man is lying on his back in bed.]]\nAll the incentive I need\n\n[[Full shot of the bed, the woman is on the left, gripping the pillow, the man is as far to the right as possible, nearly falling off, facing away from her.]]\nTo leave the world behind.\n\n{{Title text: Sweet unintersecting dreams!}}", "alt": "Sweet unintersecting dreams!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/falling_asleep.png", "title": "Falling Asleep", "day": "25" }, { "month": "8", "num": 785, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Open Mic Night", "transcript": "[[Woman on stage, holding microphone, hip-hop stance.]]\nWoman: Yo, I\u0027m M.C. Aphasia and I\u0027m here to say that, I... uh... um... hi?\n\n[[Hat man on stage, holding microphone.]]\nHat man: So I... oh? Does she? Well, when \nyo\n mama sits around the house, she finds herself wishing she\u0027d finished her degree instead of having kids right away, maybe started that business. Then she might have created something she\u0027s \nproud\n of.\n\n[[Man on stage, holding microphone, fist pumping toward audience.]]\nMan: Yo, I\u0027m M.C. Quine and I\u0027m here to say, \"Yo, I\u0027m M.C. Quine and I\u0027m here to say!\"\n\n[[Beret man on stage, holding microphone.]]\nBeret man: Ever notice how men go to the restroom alone, while women go in hordes ten thousand strong, clad all in sable armor and bristling with swords and spears?\nAudience member: Those are orcs.\nBeret man: Oh.\n\n\n{{Title text: Ever notice how the more successful observational comics become, the more their jokes focus on flying and hotels?}}", "alt": "Ever notice how the more successful observational comics become, the more their jokes focus on flying and hotels?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/open_mic_night.png", "title": "Open Mic Night", "day": "27" }, { "month": "8", "num": 786, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Exoplanets", "transcript": "[[Beret man runs into the room, someone is in bed under the covers.]]\nBeret man: Wake up! --- Wake up!\nBed man: What is it?\n\n[[Beret man stands talking to person still hiding under covers.]]\nBeret man: We\u0027re alive during the time when they\u0027re first discovering other planetary systems! They\u0027re finding them as fast as they can build new instruments to look for them!\n\n[[Dramatic shot of just Beret man.]]\nBeret man: And if one of Earth\u0027s cultures advances its space program enough to start enriching uranium on asteroids, we\u0027ll lose the main barrier to restarting Project Orion and building nuke-riding City-ships!\n\n[[Beret man bends down to eye level with person in bed, who is peaking his face out from the covers.]]\nBeret man: The only known technology capable of fast interstellar travel could be operational within just a few generations, and we\u0027re discovering all these destinations to pick from! -- Come \non!\n\nBed man: Can I hit \"snooze\"?\nBeret man: Okay, but \njust once!\n\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m just worried that we\u0027ll all leave and you won\u0027t get to come along!}}", "alt": "I\u0027m just worried that we\u0027ll all leave and you won\u0027t get to come along!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exoplanets_2010.png", "title": "Exoplanets", "day": "30" }, { "month": "9", "num": 787, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Orbiter", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a control screen, wearing a headset.]]\nMan: Okay, people. The orbiter is passing south of Iceland. The next scheduled check-in will be at 32.0°N 35.5°E, over the Palestinian territories.\nVoice off-screen #1: You mean over the State of Palestine?\nVoice off-screen #2: You mean over \nIsrael\n?\n\n[[The man looks up and says nothing.]]\n\n[[The man looks back down at his screen.]]\nMan: I\u0027ve rescheduled the check-in for 35.2°N 96.6°W, over Oklahoma.\nVoice off-screen #2: You mean occupied North Texas?\nMan: Dammit, Frank.\n\n{{Title text: Normally, the Shuttle can\u0027t quite safely reach the orbital inclination required to pass over both those points from a Canaveral launch, but this is an alternate history in which either it launches from Vandenburg or everyone hates the Outer Banks.}}", "alt": "Normally, the Shuttle can\u0027t quite safely reach the orbital inclination required to pass over both those points from a Canaveral launch, but this is an alternate history in which either it launches from Vandenberg or everyone hates the Outer Banks.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/orbiter.png", "title": "Orbiter", "day": "1" }, { "month": "9", "num": 788, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Carriage", "transcript": "[[The Grim Reaper driving a horse-drawn carriage.]]\nBecause I could not stop for death\nHe kindly stopped for me\n\n[[A woman wearing her hair in a bun grabs Death by the arm and pulls him off the carriage. There is a Y-button symbol in the lower left corner.]]\nThe carriage held but just oursel--\nDeath: Hey!\n\u003c\u003cGRAB\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The woman takes off in the carriage, leaving Death in her dust, on the ground.]]\nWoman: Hyah!\n\n[[The Grand Theft Auto logo is shown, with the stamp \"Emily Dickinson Edition\" underneath. There is a picture of stick-Emily, arms crossed, and a scythe next to her.]]\n\n{{Title text: I learned from Achewood that since this poem is in ballad meter, it can be sung to the tune of Gilligan\u0027s Island. Since then, try as I might, I haven\u0027t ONCE been able to read it normally.}}", "alt": "I learned from Achewood that since this poem is in ballad meter, it can be sung to the tune of Gilligan\u0027s Island. Since then, try as I might, I haven\u0027t ONCE been able to read it normally.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_carriage.png", "title": "The Carriage", "day": "3" }, { "month": "9", "num": 789, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Showdown", "transcript": "[[Two cowboys face off silently in the desert, the blazing sun beating down.]]\n\n[[They exchange steely glares, hands poised to reach their guns, as a tumbleweed rolls into frame.]]\n\u003c\u003cTUMBLE\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Close-up on the tumbleweed. It draws two guns.]]\n\u003c\u003cCLICK CLICK\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The tumbleweed shoots both cowboys simultaneously, and they fall backwards.]]\n\u003c\u003cBLAM BLAM\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: The tumbleweed then tried to roll off into the sunset, but due to the Old West\u0027s placement north of the subtropical ridge, the prevailing winds were in the wrong direction.}}", "alt": "The tumbleweed then tried to roll off into the sunset, but due to the Old West\u0027s placement north of the subtropical ridge, the prevailing winds were in the wrong direction.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/showdown.png", "title": "Showdown", "day": "6" }, { "month": "9", "num": 790, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Control", "transcript": "A man looks down at his arm calmly, while next to him a woman is violently flailing around in terror. In the foreground, two scientists, one holding a clipboard, look on in puzzlement.\n\nMan: My rash seems to have shrunk by about 20% today.\nWoman: OH GOD SPIDERS\nScientists: ???\n\n{{Title text: Which, at one point, led to a study showing that LSD produces no more hallucinations than a placebo.}}", "alt": "Which, at one point, led to a study showing that LSD produces no more hallucinations than a placebo.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/control.png", "title": "Control", "day": "8" }, { "month": "9", "num": 791, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Leaving", "transcript": "[[A man looks down at a puddle on the floor and speaks to someone out-of-panel.]]\nMan: Hey, while you\u0027re out, can you pick up some spray cleaner that works on cat vomit?\nVoice: Can do! -- Bye!\n\n[[Man extends his arm and faces the leaving person.]]\nMan: ...Wait!\nVoice: Yes?\nMan: Uh. ...You are in my heart always.\nVoice: ...?\n\nSometimes, when people leave, I\u0027m seized by a sudden fear that they\u0027ll die while they\u0027re out, and I\u0027ll never forget the last thing I said to them.\n\n{{Title text: What\u0027ll I say -- \"I was staring at some cat vomit when I got the news?\"}}", "alt": "What\u0027ll I say -- \"I was staring at some cat vomit when I got the news?\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/leaving.png", "title": "Leaving", "day": "10" }, { "month": "9", "num": 792, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Password Reuse", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting facing a computer, Hat man is standing behind him.]]\nHat man: Password entropy is rarely relevant. The real modern danger is password reuse. \nMan: How so? \n(Computer: Password too weak.)\n\n[[Close up on just Hat man.]]\nHat man: Set up a web service to do something simple, like image hosting or tweet syndication, so a few million people set up free accounts.\n\n[[The man has now turned his chair around to face Hat man.]]\nHat man: Bam, you\u0027ve got a few million emails, default usernames, and passwords.\n\n[[Just Hat man.]]\nHat man: Tons of people use one password, strong or not, for most accounts.\n\nUse the list and some proxies to try automated logins to the 20 or 30 most popular sites, plus banks and payola and such.\n[[A piece of paper containing a list with three columns, titled \u0027Email\u0027, \u0027User\u0027, and \u0027Pass\u0027. An arrow branching out from the paper to the words \u0027Banks\u0027, \u0027Facebook\u0027, \u0027Gmail\u0027, \u0027Paypal\u0027, and \u0027Twitter\u0027.\n\n[[Hat man is still standing facing the man in the chair, who now puts his hand to his chin.]]\nHat man: You\u0027ve now got a few hundred thousand real identities on a few dozen services, and nobody suspects a thing.\nMan: And then what?\n\n[[The same as previous panel, further back.]]\nHat man: Well, that\u0027s where I got suck.\nMan: You DID this?\nHat man: Why did you \nthink\n I hosted so many unprofitable web services?\n\n[[Close-up on Hat man.]]\nHat man: I could probably net a lot of money, one way or another, if I did things carefully. But research shows more money doesn\u0027t make people happier, once they make enough to avoid day-to-day financial stress.\n\n[[Another close-up, facing opposite direction.]]\nHat man: I could mess with people endlessly, but I do that already. I could get a political or religious idea out to most of the world, but since March of 1997 I don\u0027t really believe in anything.\n\n[[Hat man facing man in chair again.]]\nHat man: So, here I sit, a puppetmaster who wants nothing from his puppets. -- It\u0027s the same problem Google has.\nMan: Oh?\n\n((This panel is indented.))\nGoogle\u0085\n[[A man stands, his chair behind him, leaning his hands on the edge of a boardroom table with the Google logo on it. Behind it sit a woman with a bun and glasses and another man.]]\nMan: Okay, everyone, we control the world\u0027s information. Now it\u0027s time to turn evil. What\u0027s the plan?\nWoman: Make boatloads of money?\n\n[[The man stands with his hand on his head.]]\nMan: We already do!\nVoice off-screen: Set up a companywide CoD4: Modern Warfare tournament each week?\nMan: \nThat\u0027s not evil!\n\nVoice: Ooh, dibs on the lobby TV!\nMan: Okay, we \nsuck\n at this.\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027ll be hilarious the first few times this happens.}}", "alt": "It\u0027ll be hilarious the first few times this happens.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/password_reuse.png", "title": "Password Reuse", "day": "13" }, { "month": "9", "num": 793, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Physicists", "transcript": "A man stands at a blackboard covered in equations and diagrams, an open laptop and scattered paper at his feet. His fists are balled in anger and there is a little angry squiggle over his head. A second man stands behind him, arms out in a shrug.\n((Words in \u003c\u003e are gray.))\nSecond man: You\u0027re trying to predict the behavior of \u003ccomplicated system\u003e? Just model it as a \u003csimple object\u003e, and then add some secondary terms to account for \u003ccomplications I just thought of\u003e. -- Easy, right? -- So, why does \u003cyour field\u003e need a whole journal, anyway?\nLiberal-arts majors may be annoying sometimes, but there\u0027s \nnothing\n more obnoxious than a physicist first encountering a new subject.\n\n{{Title text: If you need some help with the math, let me know, but that should be enough to get you started! Huh? No, I don\u0027t need to read your thesis, I can imagine roughly what it says.}}", "alt": "If you need some help with the math, let me know, but that should be enough to get you started! Huh? No, I don\u0027t need to read your thesis, I can imagine roughly what it says.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/physicists.png", "title": "Physicists", "day": "15" }, { "month": "9", "num": 794, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Inside Joke", "transcript": "[[Two men with beards stand at a crude wooden counter, one is wearing a turban. Behind the man without a turban is a woman kneeling on the ground and putting something into a box.]]\nTurban man: Nine silvers for a ham? That\u0027s too much!\nNo-turban: Too much? There\u0027s a monk out back \nwith a ladder!\n\n(Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...)\nThere\u0027s no reason to think that people throughout history didn\u0027t have just as many inside jokes and catchphrases as any modern group of high-schoolers.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027ve looked through a few annotated versions of classic books, and it\u0027s shocking how much of what\u0027s in there is basically pop-culture references totally lost on us now.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ve looked through a few annotated versions of classic books, and it\u0027s shocking how much of what\u0027s in there is basically pop-culture references totally lost on us now.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/inside_joke.png", "title": "Inside Joke", "day": "17" }, { "month": "9", "num": 795, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Conditional Risk", "transcript": "[[Lightning strikes the ground, illuminating trees with a bright white light. Two people are standing near it. One has a walking stick.]]\n\u003c\u003cCRACK\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\nFirst person: Whoa! We should get inside!\nSecond person: It\u0027s okay! Lightning only kills about 45 Americans a year, so the chances of dying are only one in 7,000,000. Let\u0027s go on!\n\nThe annual death rate among people who know that statistic is one in six.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Dude, wait -- I\u0027m not American! So my risk is basically zero!\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Dude, wait -- I\u0027m not American! So my risk is basically zero!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/conditional_risk.png", "title": "Conditional Risk", "day": "20" }, { "month": "9", "num": 796, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bad Ex", "transcript": "[[Two people are walking. The first is wearing a white hat.]]\nSecond person: It just blows my mind. She seemed so genuine. I had no idea she was such a serial liar.\nSecond person: I just wish I had our six months back.\n\n[[The view focuses on the second person.]]\nSecond person: Her exes say the same thing happened to them.\nSecond person: Maybe what we need is a terrible-ex tracking and notification service.\n\n\n[[The second person turns, thoughtfully.]]\nFirst person: But after all the problems with sex offender registries, who would agree to run it?\nSecond person: Maybe one of the state governments more willing to experiment could try it out...\n\nSoon...\n[[Two people are sitting at a table, on which sit wine glasses and plates. One has glasses and a goatee, and the other has long hair. A person approaches them carrying a clipboard and a license.]]\nLicense person: Excuse me, ma\u0027am.\nLong hair person: Yes?\nLicense person: This man is known to the state of California to be a total douchebag.\n\n{{Title text: Since the goatee, glasses, and Seltzer \u0026 Friedberg DVD collection didn\u0027t tip you off, there will be a $20 negligence charge for this service.}}", "alt": "Since the goatee, glasses, and Seltzer \u0026 Friedberg DVD collection didn\u0027t tip you off, there will be a $20 negligence charge for this service.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bad_ex.png", "title": "Bad Ex", "day": "22" }, { "month": "9", "num": 797, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "debian-main", "transcript": "\u003c\u003cAAAAAAAA\u003e\u003e\n[[A swarm of insects cover a computer and a person. The person is leaning back on their chair, flailing to get away.]]\n\nMy package made it into Debian-main because it looked innocuous enough; no one noticed \"locusts\" in the dependency list.\n\n{{Title text: dpkg: error processing package (--purge): subprocess pre-removal script returned error exit 163: OH_GOD_THEYRE_INSIDE_MY_CLOTHES}}", "alt": "dpkg: error processing package (--purge): subprocess pre-removal script returned error exit 163: OH_GOD_THEYRE_INSIDE_MY_CLOTHES", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/debian_main.png", "title": "debian-main", "day": "24" }, { "month": "9", "num": 798, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Adjectives", "transcript": "Frequency with which various adjectives are intensified with obscenities (based on Google hits)\n((The legend above the plot reads:))\nRed marker: \"fucking ____\"\nBlue marker: \"____ as shit\"\n((Mathematical formula for scale next to the legend:))\nScale: ln(hits for intensified phrase \n hits for adjective alone)\n((The plot itself lists a series of adjectives in approximately descending order. Each has a red and a blue marker corresponding to the scale described.))\n((Horizontal axis starts with none, then has a vertical dashed line, then \u0027rarely\u0027 at -17, increasing to \u0027often\u0027 at -5.))\n((Each adjective is listed with approximate red and blue values, in that order.))\nAnnoying -5 -5\nPissed -5 -6\nStupid -5 -8\nBored -6 -6\nSexy -5.5 -6.5\nAdorable -6.5 -9.5\nDisgusting -6.5 -12.5\nCalm -7 -10\nDelicious -8 -13\nObscene -6 -14 \nProsaic -10 -13.5\nBemused -8.5 -14\nApropos -10.5 -16\nAmbivalent -12 -17\nImproper -12.5 -18\nEvanescent -14 -14.5\nPiquant -9.5 never\nJejune -9 never\nKafkaesque -10 never\nStochastic -14 never\nFungible -12 never\nPeristeronic never never (\"Of or pertaining to pigeons\")\n[[there are two small scenes in the bottom right of the plot. The first shows a pair of women holding wine glasses.]]\nSecond woman: Yes, the Cabernet is piquant as \nshit\n this time of year.\n[[The second shows a person sitting at a computer desk.]]\nPerson: Whoa, these commodities are fucking \nfungible\n!\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Fucking ineffable\u0027 sounds like someone remembering how to do self-censorship halfway through a phrase.}}", "alt": "\u0027Fucking ineffable\u0027 sounds like someone remembering how to do self-censorship halfway through a phrase.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/adjectives.png", "title": "Adjectives", "day": "27" }, { "month": "9", "num": 799, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stephen Hawking", "transcript": "[[Stephen Hawking is facing a pair of people. His voice appears in a square machine readable font.]]\nStephen Hawking: I thought maybe later we should go see a movie.\n\n[[The two people are running.]]\n\n[[The front page of a newspaper appears instead of a third panel.]]\n((Name of the paper.)) The Times\n((Main headline.)) Physicist Stephen Hawking Suggests We See More Films\n[[A picture of Stephen Hawking is in the center of the page.]]\n((Picture\u0027s caption.)) Smartest Man Alive\n((Secondary headline.)) What Does He Know That We Don\u0027t?\n((Large quote in article body.)) Is this a warning?\n\n[[Stephen Hawking is sitting alone, looking depressed.]]\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Guys? The Town is supposed to be good, and I thou--\u0027 \u0027PHYSICIST STEPHEN HAWKING DECLARES NEW FILM BEST IN ALL SPACE AND TIME\u0027 \u0027No, I just heard that--\u0027 \u0027SHOULD SCIENCE PLAY A ROLE IN JUDGING BEN AFFLECK?\u0027 \u0027I don\u0027t think--\u0027 \u0027WHAT ABOUT MATT DAMON?\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Guys? The Town is supposed to be good, and I thou--\u0027 \u0027PHYSICIST STEPHEN HAWKING DECLARES NEW FILM BEST IN ALL SPACE AND TIME\u0027 \u0027No, I just heard that--\u0027 \u0027SHOULD SCIENCE PLAY A ROLE IN JUDGING BEN AFFLECK?\u0027 \u0027I don\u0027t think--\u0027 \u0027WHAT ABOUT MATT DAMON?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stephen_hawking.png", "title": "Stephen Hawking", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 800, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Beautiful Dream", "transcript": "[[A person with disheveled hair stretches their arms. A sunburst indicating sleepiness is above their head.]]\n\u003c\u003cYAWN\u003e\u003e\nPerson: I just woke up [...]\n\n[[The person continues speaking from off panel, to a second person who\u0027s sitting at a table with a laptop and cup. They\u0027ve leaned their elbow on the chair, turning to face the first person.]]\nPerson: From the most \nbeautiful\n dream.\nSecond person: Which was?\n\nPerson: All the girls who read and follow \nThe Rules\n and all the guys who swear by the techniques in \nThe Game\n paired off with each other and left the rest of us alone forever.\nSecond person: \nMmmmmm...\n\n\n{{Title text: Lucky. In MY dream, all the people who grew up loving The Giving Tree paired up with all the students who had weird dreams after reading The Metamorphosis. That one was more confusing.}}", "alt": "Lucky. In MY dream, all the people who grew up loving The Giving Tree paired up with all the students who had weird dreams after reading The Metamorphosis. That one was more confusing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/beautiful_dream.png", "title": "Beautiful Dream", "day": "1" }, { "month": "10", "num": 801, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Golden Hammer", "transcript": "[[A man with a black hat is going through a door, a bottle in his hand. A voice speaks to him from off panel.]]\nPerson: Seriously? This thing runs \nJava\n? It\u0027s single-purpose hardware!\n\n[[The person is sitting at a computer, holding some device which is wired to a box, and pointing at the screen.]]\nPerson: I bet they actually hired someone to spend six months porting this JVM so they could write their 20 lines of code in a familiar setting.\n\n[[The man with a black hat has a pair of bolt cutters in the hand that had been obscured in the first panel.]]\nBlack hat guy: Well, you know what they say -- when all you have is a pair of bolt cutters and a bottle of vodka, everything looks like the lock on the door of Wolf Blitzer\u0027s boathouse.\nPerson: I\u0027m glad \nyou\n had a nice night.\n\n{{Title text: Took me five tries to find the right one, but I managed to salvage our night out--if not the boat--in the end.}}", "alt": "Took me five tries to find the right one, but I managed to salvage our night out--if not the boat--in the end.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/golden_hammer.png", "title": "Golden Hammer", "day": "4" }, { "month": "10", "num": 802, "link": "https://xkcd.com/802_large/", "year": "2010", "news": "Full view \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/802_large/\"\u003ehere\u003c/a\u003e, poster \u003ca href=\"https://store.xkcd.com/products/online-communities-poster\"\u003ehere\u003c/a\u003e. Note: while I was working on this,\u003cbr /\u003eEthan Bloch posted \u003ca href=\"http://www.flowtown.com/blog/the-2010-social-networking-map\"\u003ehis own update\u003c/a\u003e of \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/256/\"\u003emy 2007 map\u003c/a\u003e. Check it out, too!", "safe_title": "Online Communities 2", "transcript": "[[A giant, untranscribable map of the internet. Apologies from the transcriber, who did her best to include as much as she could without going nuts.]]\n\n((Label in the center of main map.))\nUpdated Map of Online Communities\nSize on map represents volume of Daily Social activity (posts, chat, etc). Based on data gathered over the \nSpring and Summer of 2010\n\n[[Two insets on the upper left-hand corner shows that this map is a tiny portion of the huge continent of Spoken Language, encompassing portions of the Internet, Email, and Cell Phones (SMS).]]\n\n[[The largest landmass on the map by far, which takes up nearly the entire northern half of the map is \"Facebook\" -- with large states in the southeast of the country labeled \u0027Farmville\u0027 and \u0027Happy Farm\u0027. There is a much smaller state to the west of these called \u0027Farm Town\u0027. To the north of these states is a large swath of unremarkable land entitled \u0027Northern Wasteland of Unread Updates.\u0027 This is directly north of the large Dopamine Sea.\n\nA peninsula on the southwest, just below the Plains of Awkwardly Public Family Interactions, houses many tiny states, such as MySpace, Orkut, LinkedIn, Bebo, \u0026 Hi5. It is bordered on the south by Buzzword Bay, which contains several islands of varying sizes. Among these are YouTube and Twitter (the largest), which are separated by the Social Media Consultant Channel. To the southeast of Twitter, across the Sea of Protocol Confusion, is another, equally large island. Most of it is Skype, with the north having two largish states called AIM and Windows Live Messenger. On the southwest part of the island are two smaller states called GG and Yahoo Messenger.\n\nThe Island of Skype is extremely close to, but separated by the Great Firewall (a dashed line), the large landmass of QQ. It\u0027s north shore is the Gulf of China and Grass Mud Horse Bay. Outside of these bays, over the Great Firewall are two islands called Craigslist and 2Channel.\n\nIn the Dopamine Sea, off the southern shores of Farmvile and Happy Farm, is MMO Isle. Its largest state is WoW, with Runescape, Lineage, Maple Story, Habbo, and the Mountains of Steam among its notable landmarks. To the southeast of the island is the Gulf of Lag, in which sits the CDC Games island, with Eve Online.\n\nTo the east of Twitter is Troll Bay, with such islands as Reddit and Reddit, Digg, Stumbleupon, Delicio.us, and Wikipedia Talk Pages. To their south are the IRC isles, of which one is the tiny island of #xkcd.\n\nEast of these islands, and north of Skype island, is the Sea of Memes. In this sea, to the north of Craigslist and 2Channel, is an archipelago of tiny islands. There is an inset, labeled \u0027Forums.\u0027 (See below.)\n\nTo the southwest if Twitter island, in the Sea of Opinions, are the blog islands. These lie south of the islands in Buzzword Bay, as well. The northernmost islands in this group are centered around the Bay of Drama, on which can be found Diary Blogs, Gossip Blogs, and Livejournal. Gossip Blogs share an island with Political, Music, and Tech Blogs. To the north of this island is a smaller island called Photo Blogs. South of Diary Blogs, and off the southwest coast of Music blogs is a smaller island called Fandom Blogs. South of Tech Blogs, off of which sprouts the small peninsula of Business Blogs, is the Spamblog Straits. On the other side of the straits is a large island made up of Miscellaneous Blogs, with two states demarcated as Religious Blogs and Blog Blogs. Southwest of the Blog Islands is the Sea of Zero (0) Comments.]]\n\n[[An inset of a group of islands in the sea of memes located on the lower right corner of the map, labeled \u0027Forums\u0027. The largest by far is 4chan and \nb\n. Also found here are D2JSP, JLA Frums, Fan Forum, Something Awful, and many smaller ones, too numerous to list here.]]\n\n[[The northeastern third of Gossip\nPolitical\nTech Blogs island is another inset labeled \u0027Blogosphere (Core)\u0027. This can be found on the lower left corner of the map. Two peninsulas in Political Blogs bookend the Bay of Flame -- these are Liberal Blogs and Conservative Blogs. Between them lie several tiny islands such as Politics Daily, CNN Politcal Ticker, and Mediaite. Off the coast of Liberal Blogs lies the island of NYTimes, off the coast of Conservative Blogs is Libertarian Isle. Between the two lies The Talk. The northern peninsula of Tech Blogs contains places such as Gizmodo, Engadget, Joystiq, and Kotaku.]] \n\n((Text found between the two insets, which are directly below the main map.))\nABOUT THIS MAP\nCommunities rise and fall, and total membership numbers are no longer a good measure of a community\u0027s current size and health. This updated map uses size to represent total social activity in a community -- that is, how much talking, playing sharing, or other socializing happens there. This meant some paring of apples and oranges, but I did my best and tried to be consistent.\n\nEstimates are based on the numbers I could find, but involved a great deal of guesswork, statistical inference, random sampling, nonrandom sampling, a 20,000-cell spreadsheet, emailing, cajoling, tea-leafing reading, goat sacrifices, and gut instinct (i.e. making things up).\n\nSources of data include Google and Bing, Wiipedia, Alexa, Big-Boards.com, StumbleUpon, Wordpress, Akismet, every website statistics page I could find, press releases, news articles, and individual site employees. Thanks in particular to folks at Last.fm, LiveJournal, Reddit, and the New York Times, as well as sysadmins at a number of sites who shared statistics on condition of anonymity.\n\n{{Title text: Best trivia I learned while working on this: \u0027Man, Farmville is so huge! Do you realize it\u0027s the second-biggest browser-based social-networking-centered farming game in the WORLD?\u0027 Then you wait for the listener to do a double-take.}}", "alt": "Best trivia I learned while working on this: \u0027Man, Farmville is so huge! Do you realize it\u0027s the second-biggest browser-based social-networking-centered farming game in the WORLD?\u0027 Then you wait for the listener to do a double-take.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/online_communities_2.png", "title": "Online Communities 2", "day": "6" }, { "month": "10", "num": 803, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Airfoil", "transcript": "Handling a student who challenges your expertise with an insightful question:\n[[There\u0027s a picture of the cross section of an airfoil, with an arrow above and below, pointing from right to left. Layered on top of these arrows, pointing up and down at the cross section, are a larger arrow below and a smaller arrow above.]]\n((This panel just contains text, and has a speech curlique hanging towards the person in the next panel.))\nTeacher: So, kids, the air above the wing travels a longer distance, so it has to go faster to keep up. Faster air exerts less pressure, so the wing is lifted upward.\n\nStudent: But then why can planes fly upside down?\n\n((The teacher is standing, pondering the question. Three arrows point out of this panel, leading to each of the next three panels which are arranged vertically.))\n\n((This is a label at the top of the panel, not a character speaking.))\nRight: \n((This is the character speaking.))\nTeacher: Wow, good question! Maybe this picture is simplified -- or wrong! We should learn more.\n\nWrong:\nTeacher: It\u0027s... complicated.\nTeacher: And we need to move on.\n\nVery wrong:\nTeacher: Santa Claus is your parents.\n\n{{Title text: This is a fun explanation to prepare your kids for; it\u0027s common and totally wrong. Good lines include \u0027why does the air have to travel on both sides at the same time?\u0027 and \u0027I saw the Wright brothers plane and those wings were curved the same on the top and bottom!\u0027}}", "alt": "This is a fun explanation to prepare your kids for; it\u0027s common and totally wrong. Good lines include \u0027why does the air have to travel on both sides at the same time?\u0027 and \u0027I saw the Wright brothers plane and those wings were curved the same on the top and bottom!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/airfoil.png", "title": "Airfoil", "day": "8" }, { "month": "10", "num": 804, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pumpkin Carving", "transcript": "[[Beret guy stands next to a pumpkin with a picture of a pumpkin carved into it]]\nInterlocutor: So what did you-\nBeretGuy: I carved a pumpkin!\nInterlocutor: ...\n\n[[Black hat guy stands next to a pumpkin and a box labeled \"Nitro-glycerin. Do not shake.\"]]\nInterlocutor: Taking on teen vandals, I see.\nHatGuy: Heavens, No. My pumpkin simply has chest pains. In fact, I\u0027ll leave a note \nwarning\n them not to smash it.\n[[Long-haired stick figure stands next to a jack-o\u0027lantern]]\nHairFigure: My pumpkin\u0027s name is Harold. He just realized that all the time he used to spend daydreaming, he now spends worrying. He\u0027ll try to distract himself later with holiday traditions, but it won\u0027t work.\n[[Generic stick figure stands next to two pumpkins and a knife]]\nStickFigure: I carved and carved, and the next thing I knew I had \ntwo\n pumpkins.\nInterlocutor: I \ntold\n you not to take the axiom of choice.\n\n{{Title text: The Banach-Tarski theorem was actually first developed by King Solomon, but his gruesome attempts to apply it set back set theory for centuries.}}", "alt": "The Banach-Tarski theorem was actually first developed by King Solomon, but his gruesome attempts to apply it set back set theory for centuries.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pumpkin_carving.png", "title": "Pumpkin Carving", "day": "11" }, { "month": "10", "num": 805, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Paradise City", "transcript": "[[A stick figure sits on a box playing a guitar and singing]]\n\nSinger: Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.\n\nSinger: Take me down to the paradise village where the grass is green and the cute girls pillage.\n\nSinger: Take me down to the fire-charred counties where the law\u0027s restored by Canadian mounties.\n\nSinger: Take me down to Orwellian regions where they retrain girls using cortical lesions\n\nSinger: Take me down to the paradise borough where the grass is labeled \u0027cause the girls are thorough. Ohh, won\u0027t you please take me hooome...\n\n{{Title text: Take me down to the paradise municipality \n where the grass is mauve and the girls aren\u0027t fromthisreality.}}", "alt": "Take me down to the paradise municipality / where the grass is mauve and the girls aren\u0027t fromthisreality.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/paradise_city.png", "title": "Paradise City", "day": "13" }, { "month": "10", "num": 806, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tech Support", "transcript": "[[Person is on the phone, and holding up some networking hardware.]]\nPerson: ... restart my computer? I know you have a script to follow, but the uplink light on the modem is going off every few hours. The problem is between your office and the modem.\n\nPerson: My computer has nothing to do with ... okay, whatever, I \"restarted my computer.\"\nPerson: It\u0027s still down, and even if it comes back, it\u0027s going to die again in a few hours, because your--\n\nPerson: I don\u0027t HAVE a start menu. This is a Haiku install, but that\u0027s not import--\nPerson: Haiku? It\u0027s an experimental OS that I ... oh, never mind.\n\nPerson: I\u0027m sorry, but this won\u0027t get fixed until I talk to an engineer. Can you look around for someone wearing cargo pants, maybe a subway map on their wall?\n\n[[The tech support person on the other end is wearing a headset, and looks around.]]\nTech: There\u0027s a chick two phones over with a stuffed penguin doll and a poster of some bearded dudes with swords.\nPerson: Perfect. Can you put her on?\nTech: Sure.\n\n[[Person is now talking to the engineer.]]\nPerson: Hey, so sorry to bother you, but my connection--\nEngineer: Yeah, I see it. Lingering problems from a server move.\n\u003c\u003ctype type\u003e\u003e\nEngineer: Should be fixed now.\nPerson: Thank you SO MUCH.\n\nEngineer: No problem. Hey, in the future, if you\u0027re on any tech support call, you can say the code word \"shibboleet\" at any point and you\u0027ll be automatically transferred to someone who knows a minimum of two programming languages.\n\nPerson: Seriously?\nEngineer: Yup. It\u0027s a backdoor put in by the geeks who built these phone support systems back in the 1990\u0027s.\nEngineer: Don\u0027t tell anyone.\n\nPerson: Oh my god, this is the greatest--\n[[Person wakes up.]]\nPerson: Wha--\nPerson: ... DAMMIT.\n\n{{Title text: I recently had someone ask me to go get a computer and turn it on so I could restart it. He refused to move further in the script until I said I had done that.}}", "alt": "I recently had someone ask me to go get a computer and turn it on so I could restart it. He refused to move further in the script until I said I had done that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tech_support.png", "title": "Tech Support", "day": "15" }, { "month": "10", "num": 807, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Connected", "transcript": "[[A girl sits on a rock and a boy sits on the grass]]\nGirl: Seriously? I like that song too! I bet no two people in the history of the world have ever been so connected!\nCaption: I\u0027m not sure why we romanticize \"young love\".\n\n{{Title text: Or love in general, for that matter. It just leads to the idea that either your love is pure, perfect, and eternal, and you are storybook-compatible in every way with no problems, or you\u0027re LYING when you say \u0027I love you\u0027.}}", "alt": "Or love in general, for that matter. It just leads to the idea that either your love is pure, perfect, and eternal, and you are storybook-compatible in every way with no problems, or you\u0027re LYING when you say \u0027I love you\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/connected.png", "title": "Connected", "day": "18" }, { "month": "10", "num": 808, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Economic Argument", "transcript": "{{A table is labeled with three columns: \"Crazy phenomenon,\" \"If it worked, people would be using it to make a killing in...\" and \"Are they?\"}}\n\nRemote Viewing, Dowsing - Oil Prospecting -\nAuras, Homeopathy, Remote Prayer - Health Care Cost Reduction -\nAstrology, Tarot - Financial\nBusiness Planning -\nCrystal Energy - Regular Energy -\nCurses, Hexes - The Military -\nRelativity - GPS Devices - X\nQuantum Electrodynamics - Semiconductor Circuit Design - X\n\nEventually, arguing that these things work means arguing that modern capitalism isn\u0027t THAT ruthlessly profit-focused.\n\n{{Title text: Not to be confused with \u0027making money selling this stuff to OTHER people who think it works\u0027, which corporate accountants and actuaries have zero problems with.}}", "alt": "Not to be confused with \u0027making money selling this stuff to OTHER people who think it works\u0027, which corporate accountants and actuaries have zero problems with.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_economic_argument.png", "title": "The Economic Argument", "day": "20" }, { "month": "10", "num": 809, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Los Alamos", "transcript": "[[Three stick figures stand in front of a few graphs and scientific looking pictures. One of them has hair.]]\nLos Alamos, 1945...\nMiddle Figure: We have a decision. If we\u0027ve done our math right, this test will unleash heaven\u0027s fire and make us as gods.\n\nMiddle figure: But it\u0027s possible we made a mistake, and the heat will ignite the atmosphere, destroying the planet in a cleansing conflagration.\n\nLeft figure: Wow. Um. Question: Just to double-check - although I\u0027m 99% sure -\n\nLeft figure: Is it \"Soh cah toa\" or \"coh sah toa\"?\n\nMiddle figure: Oh, for the love of... can someone redo Steve\u0027s work?\n\nRight figure: I don\u0027t want to do the test anymore.\n\n{{Title text: The test didn\u0027t (spoiler alert) destroy the world, but the fact that they were even doing those calculations makes theirs the coolest jobs ever.}}", "alt": "The test didn\u0027t (spoiler alert) destroy the world, but the fact that they were even doing those calculations makes theirs the coolest jobs ever.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/los_alamos.png", "title": "Los Alamos", "day": "22" }, { "month": "10", "num": 810, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Constructive", "transcript": "[[A man is talking to a woman]]\nMan: Spammers are breaking traditional captchas with AI, so I\u0027ve built a new system. It asks users to rate a slate of comments as \"Constructive\" or \"Not constructive\".\n[[Close up of man]]\nMan: Then it has them reply with comments of their own, which are later rated by other users.\n[[Woman standing next to man again]]\nWoman: But what will you do when spammers train their bots to make automated constructive and helpful comments?\n[[Close up of man again]]\nMan: Mission. Fucking. Accomplished.\n\n{{Title text: And what about all the people who won\u0027t be able to join the community because they\u0027re terrible at making helpful and constructive co-- ... oh.}}", "alt": "And what about all the people who won\u0027t be able to join the community because they\u0027re terrible at making helpful and constructive co-- ... oh.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/constructive.png", "title": "Constructive", "day": "25" }, { "month": "10", "num": 811, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Starlight", "transcript": "[[Girl and beret guy stand under the stars]]\nGirl: The starlight falls on our eyes after a journey across trillions of miles - dying here at last, so far from home, all so we can see some pretty dots.\n[[Beret guy think for a moment, then runs away, comes back with a mirror, and holds it up towards the stars]]\n\n{{Title text: Don\u0027t worry! From the light\u0027s point of view, home and your eye are in the same place, and the journey takes no time at all! Relativity saves the day again.}}", "alt": "Don\u0027t worry! From the light\u0027s point of view, home and your eye are in the same place, and the journey takes no time at all! Relativity saves the day again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/starlight.png", "title": "Starlight", "day": "27" }, { "month": "10", "num": 812, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Glass", "transcript": "[[Woman is singing, man is staring at a flass of water on a table.]]\nWoman: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE... Anything break?\nMan: No, but the water in the glass turned to wine.\n[[Man picks up glass]]\nWoman: Weird.\nMan: No, wait. This is blood.\nWoman: Okay, Physics, quit fucking with us.\nPhysics: You stop looking for the higgs boson and we\u0027ll talk.\n\n{{Title text: I read in this one article that the breaking of electroweak symmetry is the reason we have SOULS. This guy with a degree said so!}}", "alt": "I read in this one article that the breaking of electroweak symmetry is the reason we have SOULS. This guy with a degree said so!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/glass.png", "title": "Glass", "day": "29" }, { "month": "11", "num": 813, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "One-Liners", "transcript": "Probability of phrases becoming action movie one liners:\n((Panels are arranged from More Likely on the left to Less likely on the right))\n[[A woman points a gun down at a man who is on the floor, his gun just out of reach]]\nWoman: You\u0027re going down the memory hole now, asshole.\n[[Man on ground points gun up at blade-armed man standing next to a board with science on it]]\nMan with gun: Hey! You forgot to carry the two.\n[[Woman on desk points sword at man standing on floor]]\nWoman: Looks like the fed just lowered the interest rate.\n[[Man with gun looks down at woman slumped on floor]]\nMan: Guess you should\u0027ve scrolled all the way to the bottom before clicking \"agree\".\n[[Woman holds pistol to the back of the head of another woman holding a rifle]]\nWoman with pistol: Bangarang, motherfucker.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Upgrade to the latest version of Adobe Flash player to view THIS content, bitch.\u0027 ::triggers detonator::}}", "alt": "\u0027Upgrade to the latest version of Adobe Flash player to view THIS content, bitch.\u0027 ::triggers detonator::", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/one_liners.png", "title": "One-Liners", "day": "1" }, { "month": "11", "num": 814, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Diode", "transcript": "[[Man is talking to woman. Woman holds up a diode.]]\nMan: We need to talk.\nWoman: Okay, but first hold the end of this diode.\n[[They hold the diode]]\nMan: You hurt my feelings yesterday.\nWoman: You embarassedme with my family last weekend.\n[[They are still holding the diode between them]]\nMan: I\u0027m sorry.\n\n{{Title text: And the worst part is you won\u0027t apologize.}}", "alt": "And the worst part is you won\u0027t apologize.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/diode.png", "title": "Diode", "day": "3" }, { "month": "11", "num": 815, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mu", "transcript": "[[A man spins in circles on a chair next to a desk. A graph of productivity vs Coefficient of friction of desk chair shows a curve that drops off very quickly as the coefficient of friction approaches zero, with the productivity becoming negative at low values. It plateaus in the middle of the graph, and then begins to drop less steeply as coefficient of friction increases above the optimal point.]]\nMan in chair: Wheeeeeeeee\n\n{{Title text: As the CoKF approaches 0, productivity goes negative as you pull OTHER people into chair-spinning contests.}}", "alt": "As the CoKF approaches 0, productivity goes negative as you pull OTHER people into chair-spinning contests.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mu.png", "title": "Mu", "day": "5" }, { "month": "11", "num": 816, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Applied Math", "transcript": "[[A woman is standing at a whiteboard considering a logical proof.]]\nWoman #1: Wow. I can\u0027t find fault with your proof.\n\n[[The woman is still looking at the white board, the frame expands to show a second woman walking away, rubbing her hands together in an evil manner.]]\nWoman #1: You\u0027ve show the inconsistency -- and thus the invalidity -- of basic logic itself.\nWoman #2: Excellent, on to step two.\n\n[[The second woman sits down at a desk and begins to write.]]\nDear Dr. Knuth,\n\n[[She continues to write.]]\nI am writing to collect from you the $3,372,564.45 I am owed for discovering 1,317,408 errors in \nThe Art of Computer Programming...\n\n\n{{Title text: Dear Reader: Enclosed is a check for ninety-eight cents. Using your work, I have proven that this equals the amount you requested.}}", "alt": "Dear Reader: Enclosed is a check for ninety-eight cents. Using your work, I have proven that this equals the amount you requested.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/applied_math.png", "title": "Applied Math", "day": "8" }, { "month": "11", "num": 817, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mutual", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman are inside each others\u0027 thought bubbles.]]\n\n{{Title text: A universe that needed someone to observe it in order to collapse it into existence would be a pretty sorry universe indeed.}}", "alt": "A universe that needed someone to observe it in order to collapse it into existence would be a pretty sorry universe indeed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mutual.png", "title": "Mutual", "day": "10" }, { "month": "11", "num": 818, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Illness", "transcript": "Randall: Hey, everyone--\nRandall: As I mentioned on the blag, I\u0027m going through a rough time right now. I\u0027m dealing with a serious family illness and it\u0027s become pretty overwhelming.\nRandall: We\u0027re still getting a handle on everything, and I appreciate your patience while we figure it all out.\nRandall: Thank you to everyone who wrote in with kind wishes and words of support. They\u0027ve been passed on and meant a lot.\nRandall: I like drawing, and might find time for it in the coming weeks, but I\u0027m not going to push myself to stick to a schedule.\nRandall: However, between my stacks of notebooks, scanner, and supportive sysadmin, I should at least have something interesting to share with yyou in this space each M\nW\nF.\nRandall: \u003c3\n\n{{Title text: \u003c3 If there\u0027s anything you can do, I\u0027ll let you know. For the moment, any simple distracting online games sent to sick@xkcd.com would not be unappreciated.}}", "alt": "\u003c3 If there\u0027s anything you can do, I\u0027ll let you know. For the moment, any simple distracting online games sent to sick@xkcd.com will not go unappreciated [EDIT: Holy crap 2,700 games before noon. I love you guys; thank you. They will be passed along and played by us all.]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/illness.png", "title": "Illness", "day": "12" }, { "month": "11", "num": 819, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Five-Minute Comics: Part 1", "transcript": "Because of a family illness, instead of regular comics, this week I\u0027ll be sharing some strips that I drew as part of a game I played with friends. Each comic had to be written and drawn in five minutes. -- Randall\n\n----Comic #1----\n[[A man and a woman stand facing each other.]]\nMan: Jupiter will make its closest approach to Earth in decades.\n\n[[The man points behind the woman, and the woman turns around.]]\nMan: In fact, here it comes now!\n\n[[Jupiter, about the size of the characters\u0027 heads, hovers into the frame at about head-height.]]\nJupiter: Hey, guys.\n\n[[Jupiter continues to hover through the frame as the characters watch it go.]]\nJupiter: Anyone need a gravitational slingshot?\nWoman: No, I\u0027m good.\nJupiter: Aight.\n\n----Comic #2----\n[[A man sits on a box, playing a guitar.]]\nMan: ...Now I don\u0027t blame him \u0027cause he ran and hid, -- but the meanest thing that he ever did -- was before he left, he went and named me \"Trig.\"\n\n----Comic #3----\n[[A man looks down a well.]]\nMan: Oh God, a little girl is trapped down this well!\n\n[[The man runs off screen.]]\n\n[[He returns, leading a pony.]]\nMan: It\u0027s okay, we got you that pony you always wanted!\n\n[[He tries to cram the pony down the well with the aid of a large stick.]]\nMan: Get... in... there... -- Ugh!\n\n----Comic #4----\n[[A man and a woman stand in a server room.]]\nMan: I like to get back to nature by coming out here to the server room. -- The warmth, the whirr of the drives, the drone of the fans, the howl of the wolves...\nWoman: Wolves?\nMan: Yeah, we started a reintroduction program.\n\n----Comic #5----\n[[A man stands by himself in the frame.]]\nMan: Yo momma\u0027s so masculine that she... oh, wait, that\u0027s your dad. -- Is your mom the lady over by the door? Aww, she looks nice!\n\n----Comic #6----\n[[A man runs toward another man who is wearing a powdered wig, holding a gun in one hand, and a flute in the other. Behind him, someone is chasing him on a motorcycle.]]\nMan: Bach, activate the magic flute and teleport us home! Wagner\u0027s right behind me on his Ring Cycle!\n\n----Comic #7----\nHotness Ratings:\n[[A close up of a woman with wavy hair.]]\nIncredily made-up girl on magazine cover.\n((Inset of a man: \"Meh.\"\n\n[[An average girl.]]\nGirl in your bio class.\n((Inset of man: \"Two stars.\"))\n\n[[Girl with mussed hair in over-sized men\u0027s shirt.]]\nGirl in your bio class wearing one of your shirts.\nGirl: Want some breakfast?\n((Inset man: \"Four stars.\"\n\n[[Girl with another sort of shirt speaking to an older lady.]]\nGirl in your bio class wearing one of your mom\u0027s shirts.\nGirl: Thanks for the great night.\n((Inset man: \"Wat!\"))\n\n[[Creepy-looking girl.]]\nGirl in your bio class wearing your mom\u0027s skin like a suit.\nGirl: Give Mommy a hug!\n((Inset man, screaming: \"AAAAAAAA\"))\n\n{{Title text: The wolves thin the RAID arrays, removing the slowest and weakest disks to keep the average seek speed high.}}", "alt": "The wolves thin the RAID arrays, removing the slowest and weakest disks to keep the average seek speed high.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/five_minute_comics_part_1.png", "title": "Five-Minute Comics: Part 1", "day": "15" }, { "month": "11", "num": 820, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Five-Minute Comics: Part 2", "transcript": "Because of a family illness, instead of regular comics, this week I\u0027ll be sharing some strips that I drew as part of a game I played with friends. Each comic had to be written and drawn in five minutes.\n\n -- Randall\n\n((A series of comics are arrayed haphazardly. They will be tackled top to bottom, left to right, approximately. Strips will be separated by two new lines.))\n\n[[A ninja is hiding under a diving board as a man runs along it.]]\n\n[[The man jumps on the end of the board and hits the ninja in the head, knocking him into the pool.]]\n\n[[The ninja floats in the water. A bullet passes through the man\u0027s head.]]\n\u003c\u003cthwipp\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The man is lying bleeding on the diving board, the ninja is still unconscious on the pool.]]\n\n[[A sniper is at the top of a hill. The sign in front of the hill says \"Grassy Knoll\".]]\n\n[[Someone is pointing at the diagram of the previous panel.]]\nOff-panel voice: Wait, so \nwhat\n does this have to do with 9\n11, again?\nPerson: I \nsaid\n I\u0027m \ngetting\n there!\n\n\n[[A man is studying a woman.]]\nMan: You look different.\n\nMan: You have this... _glow_ about you.\n\n[[They stare in silence.]]\n\n[[A baby falls out of the woman.]]\n\u003c\u003cplop\u003e\u003e\n\n\nWoman: Cogito ergo cogito.\nOff-panel voice: Playing it safe, huh?\n\n\n[[Two ghosts are standing in front of a woman at a door, each carrying a bag. They are children dressed up.]]\nChildren: Trick or treat!\n\n[[The woman doesn\u0027t move.]]\n\nChild: Um hi. Why are you just standing there?\nOther Child: Candy?\n\n[[Another silent panel as the children stare up at the woman.]]\n\n[[The second child looks in their bag.]]\nOther Child: Oh God, my bag of candy.\n\nOther Child: It\u0027s filling with blood.\nChild: We should go.\n\n\n[[A jet is flying across the panel.]]\nPilot: Bail out! Bail out! Bail out!\n\n[[The pilot and copilot have buckets, and are bailing water out of the cockpit.]]\n\n\nThe following is a dramatization of real events.\n\n[[A person is at a counter, with several jars.]]\nPerson: AAAAAAAAAAAAA I\u0027m making a sandwich! AAAAAAAAAA!\n\n\n[[Two people are carrying lightsabers and wearing robes.]]\nPerson: Oh God. My eyes won\u0027t focus right! And your robe looks... really dirty!\n\nMy blacklightsaber was not a success.\n\n\n[[A person is standing.]]\nPerson: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.\nOff-screen voice: It seems we happen to be all ladies, actually.\nPerson: ... in that case, this defense is going to appear _extremely_ ill-advised.\n\n\n[[Darth Vader is sitting between two people, at a table.]]\nPerson: Your sad devotion to that ancient religion hasn\u0027t hleped you conjur up the stolen data tapes, or given you --\nDarth Vader: \nHey.\n Wicca is a legitimate belief system!\n\n[[Darth Vader is drawing a pentagram on the table.]]\nPerson: What are you --\nDarth Vader: Putting a _hex_ on your family.\n\n{{Title text: Dear Wiccan readers: I understand modern Wiccans are not usually all about the curses and hexes. But Darth Vader was recently converted from Episcopalianism and he\u0027s still figuring it all out.}}", "alt": "Dear Wiccan readers: I understand modern Wiccans are not usually all about the curses and hexes. But Darth Vader was recently converted from Episcopalianism and he\u0027s still figuring it all out.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/five_minute_comics_part_2.png", "title": "Five-Minute Comics: Part 2", "day": "17" }, { "month": "11", "num": 821, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Five-Minute Comics: Part 3", "transcript": "Because of a family illness, instead of regular comics, this week I\u0027ll be sharing some strips that I drew as part of a game I played with friends. Each comic had to be written and drawn in five minutes.\n\n -- Randall\n\n(( The individual comics are arranged haphazardly. Once again they will be separated by double newlines, while panels will be separated by single newlines.))\n\nPearl Harbor. November 7th, 1941.\n[[There is a beach, with some ships floating in a crescent shaped harbor.]]\n\n[[The same bay, again.]]\n\n[[The boats continue to move about the harbor.]]\n\n[[The boats do their thing. A title explains.]]\n(We\u0027re going to be here a while, since the attack wasn\u0027t until December.)\n\n\n[[A man is sittin gon a bus, a woman in front of him.]]\nI know it\u0027s natural and all, but I really wish women on the bus wouldn\u0027t try to breastfeed me.\nWoman: C\u0027mon, have some milk. Right here.\nMe: I\u0027m \nreading.\n\n\n\ns\nI think that\nI saw a study once that said that\ng\nInstant persuasiveness multiplier!\n\n\n[[A newspaper front page. Billy Joel is between two policemen.]]\nTimes\nBilly Joel Arrested for Arson\n\n\n[[One person has a cord leaving their mouth, the other is holding a handset on the end of it to their ear.]]\nHandset: Hee hee hee... *giggle*\nI hear that if you drink coke and eat pop rocks, you vomit up a corded telepohen handset on which you hear creepy little girls giggling.\n\n\n[[Three soldiers are holding a large integral sign, while a fourth points a gun at the Little Rock High School.]]\n1957: Eisenhower orders the military to integrate Little Rock High School.\n\n\n[[A smartphone is vibrating across a table, towards a person.]]\nThe smartphones got \ntoo\n smart... and developed a taste... for BLOOD!\nFortunately, the only way they could move was by turning on their vibrate while on a sloped table.\n\n\n[[A person is reading to their child.]]\nPerson: And the wolf went to see the 38th little pig, who had built his house out of strontium.\nPerson: And the wolf was all, \"Ok, what is \nwith\n this shit?\"\nThe 119 Little Pigs\n\n\n[[Someone is holding up a gun.]]\nPerson: Fastest gun in the west!\n\n[[The gun is galloping across the desert.]]\n\u003c\u003cgallop\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cgallop\u003e\u003e\n\n[[There is a podium, with a gun in each position.]]\nWinner!\n\n\n[[A picture of a centrifuge dominates the panel.]]\nCentrifuges:\nThey\u0027re what separate the men from the boys.\n\n\n[[A computer monitor is plugged in, and cables run into a closet.]]\nLucy: Time passes differenly in Narnia, so by putting the CPU and storage for my machine there, I was able to run through the Folding@Home and Seti@Home databases in about an hour.\nPeter: There are _so_ many problems with that.\n\n\n[[Someone is talking to Alice.]]\nPerson: One of these days, Alice... Wham, zoom, sploosh, fwoom, splash, gurlle, wheeeee, fwoosh, aren\u0027t waterslides fun?!\n\n{{Title text: Resulting in The Little Rock 9x + C.}}", "alt": "Resulting in The Little Rock 9x + C.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/five_minute_comics_part_3.png", "title": "Five-Minute Comics: Part 3", "day": "19" }, { "month": "11", "num": 822, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "Guest week! Today\u0027s comic is contributed by \u003ca href=\"https://questionablecontent.net\"\u003eJeph Jacques\u003c/a\u003e.\u003cbr /\u003eFive guest comics this week! XKCD should be back to normal after that.", "safe_title": "Guest Week: Jeph Jacques (Questionable Content)", "transcript": "((This comic was written by Jeph Jacques, and follows the vertical panel style typical of Questionable Content. The art is more in the xkcd style, with stick figures.))\n[[A girl is sitting on a bench, reading a book. There is a tree. Far away, a guy has a backpack on.]]\nGuy\u0027s thought bubble: There she is. The most beautiful girl you\u0027ve ever seen.\n\n[[The focus is on the girl on the bench.]]\nGuy\u0027s thought bubble: Every day you take this route to class, she\u0027s sitting on that bench, reading.\n\n[[It goes even closer to her face.]]\nGuy\u0027s thought bubble: You\u0027d introduce yourself, but you wouldn\u0027t know what to say. Besides, she\u0027s way out of your league.\n\n[[Back to the full panel.]]\nGuy\u0027s thought bubble: What chance could an average guy like you have with such a radiant -\nGirl\u0027s thought bubble: Hey.\n\n[[The girl looks up at her thought bubble with a question over her head.]]\nGuy\u0027s thought bubble: E-Excuse me?\nGirl\u0027s thought bubble: I said hey. You come by here a lot.\n\n[[The girl looks over at the guy, who is scratching his head at his thought bubble.]]\nGuy\u0027s thought bubble: Oh, uh, yeah. On the way to class.\nGirl\u0027s thought bubble: Wanna skip class and go get a coffee?\n\n[[The guy is pondering what\u0027s happening.]]\nGuy\u0027s thought bubble: Sure, I\u0027d - I\u0027d like that a lot.\nGirl\u0027s thought bubble: Great, let\u0027s ditch these losers.\nGirl: Hey!\n\n[[The thought bubbles are behind the guy now, moving away.]]\nGuy\u0027s thought bubble: Man, I gotta tell you, I\u0027m SICK of being that guy\u0027s internal monologue! So whiny!\nGirl\u0027s thought bubble: Seriously! I swear, he and Little Miss Daddy Issues over there were _made_ for each other.\n\n[[The two look at each other silently.]]\n\n{{Title text: }}", "alt": "Guest comic by Jeph Jacques of Questionable Content, whose internal monologue hasn\u0027t been speaking to him for the past three years.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/guest_week_jeph_jacques_questionable_content.png", "title": "Guest Week: Jeph Jacques (Questionable Content)", "day": "22" }, { "month": "11", "num": 823, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "Guest week! Today\u0027s comic is contributed by \u003ca href=\"http://www.buttercupfestival.com\"\u003eDavid Troupes\u003c/a\u003e.\u003cbr /\u003eFive guest comics this week! XKCD should be back to normal after that.", "safe_title": "Guest Week: David Troupes (Buttercup Festival)", "transcript": "[[Two people are leaning against each other, sitting on top of the moon. Trees are visible towards the bottom of the panel.]]\n\n[[The scene broadens.]]\nWoman: I\u0027ve never been so happy. I --\nMan: Hold on -- that guy used to dump my notebooks in high school. Give me a moment. Try to keep the moon steady.\n\n[[A rock hits someone on the ground on the back of the head.]]\n\n[[The person clutches the back of their head.]]\n\n[[The moon, again.]]\nGuy: I\u0027ve never been so happy.\n\n{{Title text: Guest comic by David Troupes of Buttercup Festival, who is living in that lovely tree outside your window.}}", "alt": "Guest comic by David Troupes of Buttercup Festival, who is living in that lovely tree outside your window.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/guest_week_david_troupes_buttercup_festival.png", "title": "Guest Week: David Troupes (Buttercup Festival)", "day": "23" }, { "month": "11", "num": 824, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "Guest week! Today\u0027s comic is contributed by \u003ca href=\"https://foxtrot.com\"\u003eBill Amend\u003c/a\u003e.\u003cbr /\u003eFive guest comics this week! XKCD should be back to normal after that.", "safe_title": "Guest Week: Bill Amend (FoxTrot)", "transcript": "[[Jason from FoxTrot is sitting at an artist\u0027s desk with a pencil, holding a phone.]]\nJason: Hi, Mr. Munroe? I have a great idea! Let me draw some strips for you!\nMr. Munroe, through the telephone: Fat chance, kid.\n\nJason: Sudo let me draw some strips for you.\n\n((There follow three strips. These will be separated by double new lines.))\n\n[[A man and woman are looking at each other.]]\nMan: I find you more attractive than usual.\nWoman: You do? Is it my new haircut?\n\nMan: Actually, I think it\u0027s all the weight you\u0027ve been putting on. Your gravitational pull is pretty severe.\n\n[[The man is now alone in the panel.]]\nMan: Just sayin!\n\n\n[[Two people are in a living room. The woman is looking through a chest of drawers.]]\nAt home with the Heisenbergs.\nMrs. Heisenberg: I can\u0027t find my car keys.\nMr. Heisenberg: You probably know too much about their momentum.\n\n\n[[A man is standing on a stage, holding up a hammer. A crowd is in front of the stage.]]\nWhy mathematicians should run for Congress\n\nMan: All those in favor of the bill say \"aye.\"\nAudience member #1: Aye.\nAudience member #2: Aye.\nAudience member #3: {{Square root symbol}} -1.\n\n{{Title text: Guest comic by Bill Amend of FoxTrot, an inspiration to all us nerdy-physics-majors-turned-cartoonists, of which there are an oddly large number.}}", "alt": "Guest comic by Bill Amend of FoxTrot, an inspiration to all us nerdy-physics-majors-turned-cartoonists, of which there are an oddly large number.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/guest_week_bill_amend_foxtrot.png", "title": "Guest Week: Bill Amend (FoxTrot)", "day": "24" }, { "month": "11", "num": 825, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "Guest week! Today\u0027s comic is contributed by \u003ca href=\"https://overcompensating.com\"\u003eJeffrey Rowland\u003c/a\u003e.\u003cbr /\u003eFive guest comics this week! XKCD should be back to normal after that.", "safe_title": "Guest Week: Jeffrey Rowland (Overcompensating)", "transcript": "[[Jeffrey Rowland and Randall are sitting together, with a globe between them. Mr. Rowland has a drink with a small umbrella over it.]]\nJeffrey Rowland: But enough of my theories about Thanksgiving. The \nreal\n reason we\u0027re here is to discuss my hypothesis that dark matter \nitself\n is what consciousness is made of...\n\n[[The frame focuses on Jeffrey Rowland.]]\nJeffrey Rowland: Unobservable to anything that is itself conscious in much the same way the mail-man won\u0027t deliver your mail if you are watching the mail-box\n\n[[Mr. Rowland raises his drink.]]\nJeffrey Rowland: Which brings us to my theory about ghosts --\nRandall Munroe: Wait did you just say Thanksgiving was invented by the \nTurkey Voluntary Extinction Movement?\n\n\n{{Title text: Guest comic by Jeffrey Rowland of Overcompensating\nWigu. Jeffrey is famous as the picture on the Wikipedia article on \u0027Necrosis\u0027.}}", "alt": "Guest comic by Jeffrey Rowland of Overcompensating/Wigu. Jeffrey is famous as the picture on the Wikipedia article on \u0027Necrosis\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/guest_week_jeffrey_rowland_overcompensating.png", "title": "Guest Week: Jeffrey Rowland (Overcompensating)", "day": "25" }, { "month": "11", "num": 826, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "Guest week! Today\u0027s comic is contributed by \u003ca href=\"https://www.smbc-comics.com/\"\u003eZach Weiner\u003c/a\u003e.\u003cbr /\u003eFive guest comics this week! XKCD should be back to normal after that.", "safe_title": "Guest Week: Zach Weiner (SMBC)", "transcript": "((This comic was drawn by Zach Weiner of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. It\u0027s a floor plan of a museum with five main halls. Each hall contains several exhibits. If you click on an exhibit\u0027s spot on the map, a comic pops up showing a view of the exhibit. The museum map is full of tiny stick figures, many of them characters from xkcd.))\n\n[[Explanatory Text:]]\nIn the spirit of xkcd I present a proposal for a new Smithsonian museum:\nThe Smithsonian Museum Of Dad-Trolling\nAn entire building dedicated to deceiving children for amusement\n\n(Click to view exhibits!)\n\n[[The top left room is \u0027The Hall of Misunderstood Science\u0027. It contains six exhibits.]]\n\n[[Exhibit: A giant basilisk looms over children.]]\nExhibit label: BASILISKS: Real, deadly, under your bed.\n\n[[Exhibit: Four magnets hang from a square arch. A child is touching two of them together.]]\nText on the arch: Magnets only leap at each other when they\u0027re teenagers. Later, they lose interest.\n\n[[Exhibit: A child on his dad\u0027s shoulders looks up at a looming statue of Jesus behind a lectern. There are flakes falling from Jesus onto them both.]]\nExhibit label: Snow is Jesus\u0027 dandruff. His scalp gets dry when it\u0027s cold.\n\n[[Exhibit: A child lies asleep, while hands and a scary face reach up around the bed toward him.]]\nExhibit label: Sleep: Now you\u0027re vulnerable to the boogie man!\n\n[[Exhibit: An ice block sits on a stand in front of pictures of a wolf and rhinoceros looking frightened.]]\nExhibit label: Freezing water: Expands to frighten predators.\n\n[[Exhibit: An insect on a stick is orbited by a small sphere.]]\nExhibit label: Anti-matter: Matter that is more than 50% ants.\n\n[[Exhibit: A DNA strand with the letters T, A, C, and G hanging around it.]]\nExhibit label: DNA only has four letters because the alphabet was smaller back then.\nDad, to child: Told you so.\n\n[[Exhibit: A bunch of molecules hang from the ceiling.]]\nExhibit label: Molecules? In my day, we only had atoms!\n\n[[The top right room is \u0027Regrettable Pranks: An Interactive Experience\u0027. There are four exhibits.]]\n\n[[Exhibit: Five balloons float tethered to a table. A child is holding a sixth balloon. The Dad looks alarmed.]]\nSign on exhibit: If this helium makes your voice go higher, it\u0027s because you\u0027re ten seconds from exploding.\n\n[[Exhibit: An alien face is shown above an outline of several hands next to a ruler. A child holds his hand up to it.]]\nSign on exhibit: Measure your middle finger. If it\u0027s longer than the others, you\u0027re an alien halfbreed.\n\n[[Exhibit: Three cups are on a table. A child is walking away with a fourth cup, the dad\u0027s arm around the child\u0027s shoulder.]]\nExhibit label: Has anyone seen my rabbit brain? It looks like a cherry, and I dropped it in a Jello cup.\n\n[[Exhibit: A monstrous set of jaws open upward around a bed.]]\nSign on exhibit: Make your bed or monsters will know a kid lives there.\n\n[[The center right room is \u0027Concessions\u0027. There are three booths.]]\n\n[[Booth: A concession stand is labeled \u0027KFP\u0027, and displays a KFC-style bucket. A dad and child are eating.]]\nDad: The \"P\" is for \"phoenix\".\n\n[[Booth: A concession stand.]]\nSign on stand: Ground beef: Beef we found on the ground.\nDad, to child: Told you.\n\n[[Booth: A stand shaped like a giant eye.]]\nBooth label: EYES CREAM\nSubtitle: How did you think it was spelled?\nSign on booth: Now with more of the goo in your eyes. Same as every other creamery.\n\n[[The lower left room is \u0027Conservatory of Poorly Remembered History\u0027. There are five exhibits.]]\n\n[[Exhibit: A man is riding a dragon.]]\nExhibit label: Genghis Khan: victory through dragons.\n\n[[Exhibit: A criminal in front of some windows.]]\nExhibit label: The Crimean War: The first war against crime.\n\n[[Exhibit: A castle with flags hanging on it.]]\nExhibit label: The Renaissance\nSubtitle: Long story short, the wizards were in control.\n\n[[Exhibit:A man in Jedi-style robes with a fake beard.]]\nExhibit label: Star Wars is a documentary. No, seriously.\nDad, to children: Kids, this man is a veteran.\n\n[[The lower right room is \u0027Rotunda of Uncomfortable Topics\u0027. There are five exhibits.]]\n\n[[Exhibit: A wrestling ring, with a man and woman mostly obscured by the exhibit label.]]\nExhibit label: Naked wrestling: perfectly normal. NEVER DO IT.\n\n[[Exhibit: a figure sits at a booth in front of a bowl of food. The dad is holding a bottle.]]\nExhibit label: Alcohol is poison. I drink to save you from it.\nDad: You\u0027re welcome.\n\n[[Exhibit: A large bird.]]\nExhibit label: Mommies get big tummies before babies come because the stork likes chubby girls.\n\n[[Exhibit: A rocket ship.]]\nSign on exhibit: Grandma\u0027s not dead. She just returned to saturn. For REVENGE.\n\n[[In the areas outside the rooms, there are two more exhibits and restrooms, all clickable.]]\n\n[[Exhibit: A dinosaur skeleton.]]\nExhibit label: That\u0027s right. Dinosaurs were made entirely of BONES.\nDad, to kid: If you think about it, it makes sense.\n\n[[Exhibit: A large image hangs on the wall. It is a dense squiggly jumble of lines.]]\nDad, to kids: You gotta squint juuust right.\nSign on exhibit: Magic eye trick that doesn\u0027t actually work.\n\n[[Restrooms: There are three doors, each with a sign.]]\nFirst door (male logo): Men \u0026 Boys\nSecond door (female logo): Women \u0026 Girls\nThird door (unrecognizable logo): Korgmen \u0026 Spangs\n\n{{Title text: Guest comic by Zach Weiner of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. When I was stressed out, Zach gave me a talk that was really encouraging and somehow involved nanobots.}}", "alt": "Guest comic by Zach Weiner of Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal. 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ALT=\"\" COORDS=\"10,477, 76,475, 87,489, 84,546, 11,547\" HREF=\"javascript:void(0)\" onTouchStart=\u0027com.smbcgc.onSMBCMapClick(event,\"24\",false)\u0027 onMouseDown=\u0027com.smbcgc.onSMBCMapClick(event,\"24\",true)\u0027 /\u003e \n\u003cAREA SHAPE=\"poly\" ALT=\"\" COORDS=\"10,319, 96,321, 104,342, 105,455, 12,456\" HREF=\"javascript:void(0)\" onTouchStart=\u0027com.smbcgc.onSMBCMapClick(event,\"25\",false)\u0027 onMouseDown=\u0027com.smbcgc.onSMBCMapClick(event,\"25\",true)\u0027 /\u003e \n\u003cAREA SHAPE=\"poly\" ALT=\"\" COORDS=\"289,303, 310,304, 318,312, 316,357, 314,367, 297,372, 280,365, 272,343, 272,315\" HREF=\"javascript:void(0)\" onTouchStart=\u0027com.smbcgc.onSMBCMapClick(event,\"26\",false)\u0027 onMouseDown=\u0027com.smbcgc.onSMBCMapClick(event,\"26\",true)\u0027 /\u003e \n\u003cAREA SHAPE=\"poly\" ALT=\"\" COORDS=\"11,223, 260,226, 260,241, 227,273, 161,297, 87,303, 8,300\" HREF=\"javascript:void(0)\" onTouchStart=\u0027com.smbcgc.onSMBCMapClick(event,\"27\",false)\u0027 onMouseDown=\u0027com.smbcgc.onSMBCMapClick(event,\"27\",true)\u0027 /\u003e \n\u003c/MAP\u003e", "imgAttr": "USEMAP=\"#xkcdtemp_Map\"" }, "day": "26" }, { "month": "11", "num": 827, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "My Business Idea", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting at his desk, pointing at his laptop.]]\nMan: Dude! I had this idea like five years ago, and some company just got rich doing it! -- I want my cut.\n\n[[The man starts typing.]]\nPerson off-screen: That\u0027s not how it works.\nMan: Sure it is. I\u0027m applying for my share now.\nPerson: Wait, what?\n\n[[A browser window with the title \u0027Department of Ideas\u0027. It has a series of text boxes:\nDate you had the idea:\n\"Like five years ago.\"\nProof you had it:\n\"I told my friend Mike -- you can ask him! I was all \"you know what would make a great business idea? and he...\"\nTheir profit so far:\n$20,000,000\nShare you deserve (be fair!): ((drop-down))\n 25%\n*30%*\n 35%\nMailing address:\n\"137 Ash Tree Ln\"\n\n[[Man still at the laptop, above him is a SUBMIT button, and it shows a pointing hand cursor.]]\nCLICK\n\n((Last panel set slightly lower than the rest.))\n[[The man is in front of an open box, with cash in his hand. A FedEx delivery guy is on the other side of the box with his little electronic signing thing.]]\n\n{{Title text: We didn\u0027t believe you at first, but we asked like three people who were at that party. They not only corroborated your story, but even said you totally mentioned wanting to start a company someday. Sorry! If this isn\u0027t enough money, let us know.}}", "alt": "We didn\u0027t believe you at first, but we asked like three people who were at that party. They not only corroborated your story, but even said you totally mentioned wanting to start a company someday. Sorry! If this isn\u0027t enough money, let us know.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/my_business_idea.png", "title": "My Business Idea", "day": "29" }, { "month": "12", "num": 828, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Positive Attitude", "transcript": "[[A man sits hunched with his knees drawn up to him on a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV. A friend stands by.]]\nMan: I\u0027m sick and I\u0027m scared.\nFriend: Well, remember - having a good attitude is the most important thing. Think positively and you\u0027ll get better.\n\n[[Darkness surrounds the man on the bed. The friend is off-screen.]]\nMan: So if I\u0027m sad or afraid or feel like crap sometimes, then...\nFriend: ...then if you don\u0027t recover, it will be \nyour fault.\n\n\n[[The man on the bed clutches his hands to his face and leans back.]]\nMan: Well that makes me feel even worse.\nFriend: See? You\u0027re doing this to yourself.\nMan: No!\nFriend: Stop it!\nMan: Argh!\n\n[[Close up on the man, holding up his hand, pointing to himself.]]\nMan: Okay, you know what? Screw this. My attitude isn\u0027t my problem. -- My \ndisease\n is my problem, and I\u0027m treating it. -- I\u0027m going to be glum and depressed and pessimistic some days, and I\u0027m going to \nget better anyway.\n\n\n[[The man sits on the edge of the bed, his friend still standing in front of him.]]\nMan: Wait, that ended up sounding optimistic.\nFriend: I guess you suck at pessimism.\nMan: Maybe I\u0027ll be better at it tomorrow.\n\n{{Title text: Having a positive attitude is almost tautologically good for your mental health, and extreme stress can hurt your immune system, but that doesn\u0027t mean you should feel like shit for feeling like shit.}}", "alt": "Having a positive attitude is almost tautologically good for your mental health, and extreme stress can hurt your immune system, but that doesn\u0027t mean you should feel like shit for feeling like shit.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/positive_attitude.png", "title": "Positive Attitude", "day": "1" }, { "month": "12", "num": 829, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Arsenic-Based Life", "transcript": "[[Three people, two women and a man, stand looking at a laptop screen, which is sitting on a desk. The woman with a ponytail is pointing at the screen.]]\nPonytail girl: Our arsenic-based DNA discovery is cool, but these reporters are expecting life on Titan! Our press conference will be such a letdown!\n\n[[Ponytail girl turns around to face the other girl.]]\nPonytail: Okay, we need to make it more exciting for them. How do you make an event entertaining? \nGirl #2: Dunno, I suck at parties. Music, I guess?\n\n[[Ponytail girl turns back around and leans over to start typing on the computer, while the other two look on. The other girl puts her hand to her chin.]]\nPonytail: WikiHow says you can \"serve cocktails and hors d\u0027oerves that fit the theme of your event.\"\nGirl #2: Easy enough!\n\n[[Ponytail girl stands at a podium on a stage, the man stands amongst the audience with a tray. All the audience members are either dead or dying, having fallen onto the floor or slumped over in their seats.]]\n\n{{Title text: According to a new paper published in the journal Science, reporters are unable to thrive in an arsenic-rich environment.}}", "alt": "According to a new paper published in the journal Science, reporters are unable to thrive in an arsenic-rich environment.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/arsenic_based_life.png", "title": "Arsenic-Based Life", "day": "3" }, { "month": "12", "num": 830, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Genetic Analysis", "transcript": "[[A man stands next to a woman holding a clipboard, she gestures to a comfy-looking chair.]]\nMan: Did my genetic tests come back?\nWoman: Yeah. Sit down.\nMan: Is it bad news? What are my risk factors?\n\n[[The man is now sitting in the chair awaiting her answer. The woman looks down at the clipboard.]]\nWoman: We can\u0027t be sure about this, but we\u0027ve analyzed genes on several of your chromosomes and it\u0027s ard to avoid the conclusion:\n\n[[The woman puts down the clipboard and looks at the man as she delivers her news. The man puts his hands to his face in dismay.]]\nWoman: At some point, your parents had sex.\nMan: Oh God!\nWoman: Stay calm! It\u0027s possible it was just once!\nMan: I... I need to be alone.\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s still a chance you were conceived via IVF. But we\u0027ve checked your mom\u0027s college yearbook photos, and whether or not she and your father had sex, it\u0027s clear that ... listen, I know this is hard for you.}}", "alt": "There\u0027s still a chance you were conceived via IVF. But we\u0027ve checked your mom\u0027s college yearbook photos, and whether or not she and your father had sex, it\u0027s clear that ... listen, I know this is hard for you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/genetic_analysis.png", "title": "Genetic Analysis", "day": "6" }, { "month": "12", "num": 831, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Weather Radar", "transcript": "[[A black dot on a weather radar screen.]]\nDot: Sigh. Just a few clouds.\n\n[[The clouds develop into orange, to the left of the dot.]]\nDot: Whoa! Huge storm out of nowhere!\n\n[[The orange becomes red, and the storm moves towards the dot.]]\nDot: It\u0027s \ngrowing\n! And headed right for me! \nAwesome!\n\n\n[[The storm splits in half.]]\nDot: Hey! What\u0027s it...\n\n[[The two halves of the storm pass by the dot.\nDot: Dammit! \nAgain?!\n\n\n{{Title text: Ever notice how there aren\u0027t as many thunderstorms now as there were when you were a kid? Much like \u0027the shuffle on my MP3 player has a bias\u0027, this is occasionally true but universally believed. Brains are so interesting!}}", "alt": "Ever notice how there aren\u0027t as many thunderstorms now as there were when you were a kid? Much like \u0027the shuffle on my MP3 player has a bias\u0027, this is occasionally true but universally believed. Brains are so interesting!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/weather_radar.png", "title": "Weather Radar", "day": "8" }, { "month": "12", "num": 832, "link": "https://xkcd.com/832_large/", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tic-Tac-Toe", "transcript": "((The comic comprises two large square maps, each divided into nine sections, some of which are further subdivided in the same way. The subdivisions continue down for up to five levels, and the lower map has more tiny diagrams than the upper. The smallest divisions at every scale are completed tic-tac-toe games.))\n\n[[Explanatory text:]]\nComplete map of optimal Tic-Tac-Toe moves\n\nYour move is given by the position of the largest red symbol on the grid. When your opponent picks a move, zoom in on the region of the grid where they went. Repeat.\n\nMap for X:\n((The first square map))\n\nMap for Y:\n((The second square map))\n\n{{Title text: The only winning move is to play, perfectly, waiting for your opponent to make a mistake.}}", "alt": "The only winning move is to play, perfectly, waiting for your opponent to make a mistake.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tic_tac_toe.png", "title": "Tic-Tac-Toe", "day": "10" }, { "month": "12", "num": 833, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Convincing", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman are talking. The woman has a board.]]\nMan: I think we should give it another shot.\nWoman: We should break up, and I can prove it.\n\n[[The second panel is the graph. A series of points moves steadily downward.]]\nOur Relationship.\n\n[[The man looks at the graph.]]\nMan: Huh.\n\nMan: Maybe you\u0027re right.\nWoman: I knew data would convince you.\nMan: No, I just think I can do better than someone who doesn\u0027t label her axes.\n\n{{Title text: And if you labeled your axes, I could tell you exactly how MUCH better.}}", "alt": "And if you labeled your axes, I could tell you exactly how MUCH better.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/convincing.png", "title": "Convincing", "day": "13" }, { "month": "12", "num": 834, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wikileaks", "transcript": "[[A black formal suit with no head is talking.]]\nSuit: We are Anonymous. We are legion We are no one and everyone.\nAnd we are here to fight for WikiLeaks.\n\n((The panel is presented a the front page of WikiLeaks, in a browser.))\nNew Leak:\nNames, addresses, IPs, and phone numbers of everyone in Anonymous.\nDownload Now\n\nSuit: ... Dammit, Julian.\n\n{{Title text: STUDENTS ARE CALLING PRESIDENT JOHNSON EN MASSE TO PROTEST THE BOMBING AND IT\u0027S JAMMED THE WHITE HOUSE SWITCHBOARD. COULD THEY COLLAPSE OUR CRITICAL PHONE SYSTEMS? HAS THE FIRST TELEPHONE WAR BEGUN? STAY TUNED FOR MORE ON THIS DANGEROUS NEW TECHNOLOGY.}}", "alt": "STUDENTS ARE CALLING PRESIDENT JOHNSON EN MASSE TO PROTEST THE BOMBING AND IT\u0027S JAMMED THE WHITE HOUSE SWITCHBOARD. COULD THEY COLLAPSE OUR CRITICAL PHONE SYSTEMS? HAS THE FIRST TELEPHONE WAR BEGUN? STAY TUNED FOR MORE ON THIS DANGEROUS NEW TECHNOLOGY.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wikileaks.png", "title": "Wikileaks", "day": "15" }, { "month": "12", "num": 835, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tree", "transcript": "[[There is a binary Christmas tree, with each node a ball, and lights strung between parent and child nodes. Beneath it is a heap of presents - sorted with the largest on top, smaller presents connected to it with string. Next to the tree are a kid and his or her parents.]]\nBilly: It\u0027s a Christmas tree with a heap of presents underneath!\nMother: ... We\u0027re not inviting you home next year.\n\n{{Title text: Not only is that terrible in general, but you just KNOW Billy\u0027s going to open the root present first, and then everyone will have to wait while the heap is rebuilt.}}", "alt": "Not only is that terrible in general, but you just KNOW Billy\u0027s going to open the root present first, and then everyone will have to wait while the heap is rebuilt.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tree.png", "title": "Tree", "day": "17" }, { "month": "12", "num": 836, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sickness", "transcript": "((The three panels are arranged diagonally, upper left to bottom right.))\n[[Two people are walking past a tree. One has a hat.]]\nHat person: So, has this sickness opened you up to looking for answers beyond science?\nPerson: ... no, not really.\n\n[[The person turns to face the one with the hat.]]\nPerson: We\u0027ve groped for comfort before the slings and arrows of fortune for millenia, and I begrudge nobody their sources of solace. \nBut Science provides \ntools\n.\n$100 billion a year in scientific studies and medical R\u0026D has bought us some pretty damn powerful slings and arrows of our own.\nThis world is amazing, and I\u0027m going to live to experience more of it thanks to people who refused to gracefully accept the ineffability of reality.\nI find my courage where I can, but I take my weapons from science.\n\nPerson: Because they \nwork\n, bitches.\n\n{{Title text: At least, with p\u003c0.05 confidence.}}\n", "alt": "At least, with p\u003c0.05 confidence.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sickness.png", "title": "Sickness", "day": "20" }, { "month": "12", "num": 837, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Coupon Code", "transcript": "[[The panel shows an online shopping form.]]\nShipping: $14.08\nTotal: $80.02\nIf you have a coupon code, enter it here:\n[[An empty form.]]\nCheck out\n\nA person is looking at their computer.\n\n[[The empty form is now filled in - the rest of the panel shows the same page.]]\nForm: In 1987 you quietly took something from the house of a dying woman. You thought nobody knew -- you were wrong.\n\n[[The person is sitting at their computer.]]\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The form is updated.]]\nShipping: $14.08\nTotal: $80.02\n----------------\nDiscount\nApplied: -$80.02\nFinal price: $0.00\nThank you\n- Your order has been placed -\n\n{{Title text: This also guarantees he won\u0027t be one of the ones to get a bobcat.}}", "alt": "This also guarantees he won\u0027t be one of the ones to get a bobcat.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/coupon_code.png", "title": "Coupon Code", "day": "22" }, { "month": "12", "num": 838, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Incident", "transcript": "[[Someone is sitting at a computer. The computer\u0027s prompt is shown.]]\nrobm@homebox~$ sudo su\nPassword:\nrobm is not in the sudoers file. This incident will be reported.\nrobm@homebox~$ \n\n[[A second person approaches.]]\nPerson: Hey -- who does sudo report these \"incidents\" \nto\n?\nSecond person: You know, I\u0027ve never checked.\n\n[[Santa Claus is sitting at a desk supported by candy canes, with a red monitor. On the wall are two lists labeled \u0027naughty\u0027 and \u0027nice\u0027. He is adding a name to the \u0027naughty\u0027 list.]]\n\n{{Title text: He sees you when you\u0027re sleeping, he knows when you\u0027re awake, he\u0027s copied on \nvar\nspool\nmail\nroot, so be good for goodness\u0027 sake.}}", "alt": "He sees you when you\u0027re sleeping, he knows when you\u0027re awake, he\u0027s copied on /var/spool/mail/root, so be good for goodness\u0027 sake.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/incident.png", "title": "Incident", "day": "24" }, { "month": "12", "num": 839, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Explorers", "transcript": "[[A black bishop, Ba3, and a white knight, Nc3, are on a three by three chessboard. Both are on white squares. There is a heap of supplies at b2, also a white square. The chessboard is mounted on rockets and appears to be flying through the air.]]\nBa3: Mission Control, come in. This is Ba3 on the capsule calling Ke5 on the home board. We\u0027re on track and approaching the Coast of Catan. Our ETA is --\nNc3: Control, this is Nc3. Bishop put all our food in the center so I can\u0027t get it. I demand --\nBa3: Control, knight will get his food back when he stops hopping around bragging about how comfy the black squares are. I swear to God, I\u0027m \nthis\n close to capturing him and completing the mission alone.\n{{Title text: We\u0027re going to have to work together to get over our hangups if we\u0027re going to learn to move on Catan\u0027s hexagonal grid. It\u0027s bad enough that we lost our crew of pawns when we passed within firing range of Battleship.}}", "alt": "We\u0027re going to have to work together to get over our hangups if we\u0027re going to learn to move on Catan\u0027s hexagonal grid. It\u0027s bad enough that we lost our crew of pawns when we passed within firing range of Battleship.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/explorers.png", "title": "Explorers", "day": "27" }, { "month": "12", "num": 840, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Serious", "transcript": "[[Someone is standing next to a table. There is a can on the table.]]\n\n[[The label on the can reads, \"Serious Putty\".]]\n\n[[The person is looking at the table again.]]\n\n[[They reach out to touch the can. The can speaks.]]\nCan: Don\u0027t touch me.\n\n{{Title text: Not to be confused with Serious PuTTY, the Windows terminal client where everything is in Impact.}}", "alt": "Not to be confused with Serious PuTTY, the Windows terminal client where everything is in Impact.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/serious.png", "title": "Serious", "day": "29" }, { "month": "12", "num": 841, "link": "", "year": "2010", "news": "", "safe_title": "Audiophiles", "transcript": "[[Two people are talking by telephone. The first two panels are split diagonally. The first person is at a store, and the second is consulting with them.]]\n[[The first person has a small box.]]\nPerson: Do we have an RCA-to-3.5mm female-female plug? I\u0027m getting some speakers for the new xBox, since the monitor doesn\u0027t have any.\n\nSecond Person: Are they crappy laptop speakers?\n\n[[The person is moving away from a sale rack. It says \"Sale!!\" several times.]]\nPerson: Does it matter? I just want to hear if I\u0027m getting shot at, not saor eery detail of a beautiful musical soundscape.\nSecond Person: You\u0027ve never \nheard\n a beautiful musical soundscape. You listen to 96kbps flv rips from YouTube.\n\nPerson: Whatever. I\u0027m just going to get these $20 speakers. Five watts will be plenty. \nSecond Person: Five watts for a living room sound system? Is that a joke?\n\nPerson: No, this is a joke: How many audiophiles does it take to change a lightbulb?\nSecond Person: How many?\nPerson: I\u0027ll tell you later - you wouldn\u0027t appreciate the punchline over this 12kbps cell phone codec.\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: For years, I took the wrong lesson from that Monster Cable experiment and only listened to my music through alligator-clipped coat hangers.}}", "alt": "For years, I took the wrong lesson from that Monster Cable experiment and only listened to my music through alligator-clipped coat hangers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/audiophiles.png", "title": "Audiophiles", "day": "31" }, { "month": "1", "num": 842, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mark", "transcript": "[[An adult and a child are talking.]]\nChild: What\u0027s that on your arm?\nAdult: The mark of a secret society.\n\nChild: If it\u0027s secret, why tell me --\nAdult: Because I know nothing. I can\u0027t betray them because I don\u0027t know who they \nare.\n I was chosen by an agent 20 years ago. That was my first and last direct contact. It\u0027s safer that way.\n\nNarration: Six years later I found a piece of paper in the street with an address on it. The next day I found a can of kerosene in my garage that I\u0027m sure I never bought.\n[[The panel represents these actions by highlighting the mentioned objects in a world of gray.]]\n\nNarration: I didn\u0027t know whose house it was. I just knew that I\u0027d been given my orders. And I carried them out.\n[[A dark figure is silhouetted against a flame.]]\n\nAdult: I don\u0027t know who or what we\u0027re fighting. \nAdult: Maybe we\u0027re the bad guys. \nAdult: It doesn\u0027t matter to me.\n\nAdult: It\u0027s enough to know that there are forces working beneath the chaos of life, and I\u0027m a \npart\n of them.\n\nAdult: That whatever this \"pen fifteen\" club is, \nAdult: I\u0027m \nin\n it.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m a solipsistic conspiracy theorist. I\u0027m sure I must be up to something, and I will not stop until I find out what.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m a solipsistic conspiracy theorist. I\u0027m sure I must be up to something, and I will not stop until I find out what.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mark.png", "title": "Mark", "day": "3" }, { "month": "1", "num": 843, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Misconceptions", "transcript": "[[A teacher is standing in front of a board, holding a laptop computer and elocuting.]] \nTeacher: Okay, middle school students, it\u0027s the first Tuesday in February.\nTeacher: This means that by law and custom, we must spend the morning reading through the Wikipedia article \nList of Common Misconceptions\n, so you can spend the rest of your lives being a little less wrong.\nTeacher: The guests at every party you\u0027ll ever attend thank us in advance.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Grandpa, what was it like in the Before time?\u0027 \u0027It was hell. People went around saying glass was a slow-flowing liquid. You folks these days don\u0027t know how good you have it.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Grandpa, what was it like in the Before time?\u0027 \u0027It was hell. People went around saying glass was a slow-flowing liquid. You folks these days don\u0027t know how good you have it.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/misconceptions.png", "title": "Misconceptions", "day": "5" }, { "month": "1", "num": 844, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Good Code", "transcript": "((The comic is a flowchart. In order to explain this in text, follow the line numbers. Options follow on new lines without numbers.))\nHow to write good code.\n((10.)) Start Project. ((Go to 20.))\n\n((20.)) Do things right or do them fast? \nFast ((Go to 30.)) \nRight ((Go to 40.))\n\n((30.)) Code fast. ((Go to 35.))\n\n((35.)) Does it work yet? \nNo ((Go to 30.)) \nAlmost, but it\u0027s become a mass of kludges and spaghetti code. ((Go to 50.))\n\n((40.)) Code well. ((Go to 45.))\n\n((45.)) Are you done yet?\nNo. ((Go to 40.))\nNo, and the requirements have changed. ((Go to 50.))\n\n((50.)) Throw it all out and start over. ((Go to 10.))\n\n((60.)) ? ((Go to 70.))\n\n((70.)) Good code.\n\n {{Title text: You can either hang out in the Android Loop or the HURD loop.}}", "alt": "You can either hang out in the Android Loop or the HURD loop.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/good_code.png", "title": "Good Code", "day": "7" }, { "month": "1", "num": 845, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Modern History", "transcript": "[[Two soldiers are talking. Behind them, rubble burns and smokes.]]\nFirst soldier: Will you \nplease\n stop imitating everything I do?\n\u003c\u003cblam blam\u003e\u003e\nSecond soldier: Will you \nplease\n stop...\n\u003c\u003ckaboom\u003e\u003e\nMy hobby: Real-time war reenactment\n\n{{Title text: During the week, I research my character by living in his house and raising his children.}}", "alt": "During the week, I research my character by living in his house and raising his children.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/modern_history.png", "title": "Modern History", "day": "10" }, { "month": "1", "num": 846, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dental Nerve", "transcript": "Woman: Dear Ke$ha,\n\nWoman: It\u0027s hard to describe the pain of a deeply infected dental nerve.\n\n(continuing) To get an idea, put your hands in a bowl full of ice cubes. Hold them there for 90 seconds. [[Panel shows speaker with her hands in a bowl of ice.]]\n\nNow imagine that pain in your jaw, every minute of every hour, bright and searing, washing out everything. You can\u0027t party all night. You can barely stand up. There\u0027s only the pain.\n\nWoman: So, some friendly advice: When you wake up in the morning, before you brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack,\n\nWoman: Brush them with actual toothpaste.\n\n{{Title text: WAKE up in the MORning and my BREATH ain\u0027t PREtty \n and noBODY\u0027S gonna KISS me if my MOUTH smells SHItty \n so I ALways brush my TEETH before I START on the JACK \n sure, my DRINKing\u0027s out of HAND, but I\u0027m conTROLLing my PLAQUE.}}", "alt": "WAKE up in the MORning and my BREATH ain\u0027t PREtty / and noBODY\u0027S gonna KISS me if my MOUTH smells SHItty / so I ALways brush my TEETH before I START on the JACK / sure, my DRINKing\u0027s out of HAND, but I\u0027m conTROLLing my PLAQUE.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dental_nerve.png", "title": "Dental Nerve", "day": "12" }, { "month": "1", "num": 847, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stingray Nebula", "transcript": "[[Two white figures are silhouetted against a dark sky. They\u0027re sitting on top of a grassy hill.]]\nPerson: I know things are tough right now. When I was going through some difficult times as a kid, I would go up on the roof and look through my telescope.\n\nPerson: One day I found a tiny star in Ara that seemed friendly.\nPerson: There were millions like it, but I decided that this one was mine.\n\nPerson: When things got bad, I\u0027d go find that star, and think of my favorite Tolkien quote. It\u0027s from Sam\u0027s time in Mordor.\n\n((The next panel is diagonally downward to the right of the previous. The upper left corner overlaps.))\n[[A star is above the highest peak in a chain of mountains.]]\n\"There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the shadow was only a small and passing thing: There was light and high beauty forever beyond its reach.\"\n- The Return of the King\n\nCompanion: That\u0027s comforting!\nPerson: It was rather undercut in 1987, when the light from my star\u0027s explosion reached Earth. The debris forms the Stingray Nebula.\n\nCompanion: There\u0027s probably a lesson there.\nPerson: \"Never trust an unstable asymptotic giant branch star. Stick with main sequences and dwarfs.\"\nCompanion: I\u0027ll, uh, keep that in mind.\n\n{{Title text: Eärendil will patrol the walls of night only until the sun reaches red giant stage, engulfing the Morning Star on his brow. Light and high beauty are passing things as well.}}", "alt": "Eärendil will patrol the walls of night only until the sun reaches red giant stage, engulfing the Morning Star on his brow. Light and high beauty are passing things as well.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stingray_nebula.png", "title": "Stingray Nebula", "day": "14" }, { "month": "1", "num": 848, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "3D", "transcript": "[[People are lined up to see a movie.]]\nPremiering Tonight:\nString Theory:\nAn expose\nPresented In\n3D!\n\n[[The people are in a dark theater, fiddling with their glasses.]]\n\u003c\u003c???\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The people approach black hat guy, who\u0027s sitting at a desk.]]\nPerson #1: Your movie was a ripoff.\nPerson #2: It wasn\u0027t 3D at all!\nBlack hat guy: Was too.\nBlack hat guy: It\u0027s just that the third dimension is tightly rolled up and too small to observe at normal energies.\n\n{{Title text: The LINACs in the glasses frames can barely manage one MeV. You should\u0027ve gone to the screening at CERN.}}", "alt": "The LINACs in the glasses frames can barely manage one MeV. You should\u0027ve gone to the screening at CERN.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/3d.png", "title": "3D", "day": "17" }, { "month": "1", "num": 849, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Complex Conjugate", "transcript": "[[A teacher is standing at a whiteboard covered in equations.]]\nTeacher: Okay, anyone who\u0027s feeling like they can\u0027t handle the physics here should probably just leave now.\n\nTeacher: Because I\u0027m multiplying the wavefunction by its complex conjugate.\nTeacher: That\u0027s right.\n\n[[Dramatic zoom. It appears the teacher is writing on the side of the panel.]]\nTeacher: Shit just got \nreal\n.\n\n{{Title text: Fun fact: if you say this every time a professor does something to a complex-number equation that drops the imaginary part, they\u0027ll eventually move the class to another room and tell everyone else except you.}}", "alt": "Fun fact: if you say this every time a professor does something to a complex-number equation that drops the imaginary part, they\u0027ll eventually move the class to another room and tell everyone else except you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/complex_conjugate.png", "title": "Complex Conjugate", "day": "19" }, { "month": "1", "num": 850, "link": "https://xkcd.com/850_large/", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "World According to Americans", "transcript": "The World\nAccording to a group of\nAmericans\nWho turned out to be unexpectedly good at geography, derailing our attempt to illustrate their country\u0027s attitude toward the rest of the world.\n\n((One big panel, a map of the world. Fairly accurate. Annotated in several different scripts of handwriting. These are transcribed in approximately left to right, top to bottom order. Some are written paired and appear as such.))\n Hey so what projection should we use?\n I\u0027ll aim for \"Robinson.\"\n\nAlaska\n\nCanada\n\nHudson Bay\n\nQuébec\n\nGreenland (still too big!)\n Yeah but the Peters map is awful\n\nUnited States\n\n Did you know Maine is actually the US state closest to Africa?\n\nBaja California (Mexico)\n\nMexico\n\nGulf of Mexico\n\nCuba\n\nHispanola\n\nBermuda (British!)\n\nCentral America\n\nJamaica\n\n Do we have to label all the Virgin Islands?\n\nPanama Canal\n\n French, and I think Dutch and English\n\nBrazil (Portuguese - speaking)\n\n Rest of South America (Spanish-speaking)\n\nTierra del Fuego\n\n\nIceland\n\nBritish Isles\n\nIreland\n\nGibraltar\n\nWestern Europe\n\nScandinavia\n\nEastern Europe\n\nBlack Sea\n\nMiddle East\n\n\nMorocco\n\nAlgeria\n\nSahara Desert\n\nWest Africa\n\nSudan\n\n So this is one of those things where you point out our ignorance and stereotypes?\n Yeah - I mean I freely admit I don\u0027t know the African map very well, which speaks volumes in itself.\n\nRainforest\n\nDRC\n\nLake Victoria\n\nSomalia\n\nAngola\n\nMozambique\n\nSouth Africa\n\nCape Horn\n\nMadagascar\n\n\nRussia\n\nKamchatka Peninsula but I admit I only know this one from Risk\n\nAral Sea (Gone)\n\nVarious former Soviet States\n\nMongolia\n\nAfghanistan \u0026 Pakistan\n\nIndia\n\n Mostly Muslim\n\n Mostly Hindu\n\nSri Lanka\n\nTibet (informal)\n\nChina\n\nSoutheast Asia\n\nKoreas\n\nJapan, duh.\n\nTaiwan (actually called \"The Republic of China\" - it\u0027s complicated\n\nPhillipines\n\nMalaysia\n\n Boxing Day Quake\n Wait, \"Boxing day\"? There\u0027s no way you\u0027re American.\n I read BBC News, OK?\n\nIndonesia\n\nSulawesi\n\nPaupa New Guinea\n\nAustralia\n\nTasmania\n\nNew Zealand\n\n Shall we include Antarctica?\n Let\u0027s not - these guys are looking impatient.\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s not our fault we caught a group on their way home from a geography bee. And they taught us that Uzbekistan is one of the world\u0027s two doubly-landlocked countries!}}", "alt": "It\u0027s not our fault we caught a group on their way home from a geography bee. And they taught us that Uzbekistan is one of the world\u0027s two doubly-landlocked countries!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/world_according_to_americans.png", "title": "World According to Americans", "day": "21" }, { "month": "1", "num": 851, "link": "https://xkcd.com/851_make_it_better/", "year": "2011", "news": "I can\u0027t \u003cem\u003ebelieve\u003c/em\u003e I forgot Hey Jude.\u003cbr /\u003eI don\u0027t get do-overs, but I couldn\u0027t resist making \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/851_make_it_better/\"\u003ea fixed version\u003c/a\u003e.", "safe_title": "Na", "transcript": "{{A flowchart.}}\nNa-\u003eNa-\u003eNa-\u003eNa-\u003eNa-\u003eNa-\u003eNa-\u003eNa (branches to -\u003eHey-\u003eHey-\u003eGoodbye and -\u003eBatman!) -\u003eNa-\u003eNa (branches to Katamari Damacy!) -\u003eNa (arrow labeled \"Land of 1,000 Dances) loops around to the last Na again)\n\n{{Title text: I hear that there are actual lyrics later on in Land of 1,000 Dances, but other than the occasional \u0027I said,\u0027 I\u0027ve never listened long enough to hear any of them.}}", "alt": "I hear that there are actual lyrics later on in Land of 1,000 Dances, but other than the occasional \u0027I said,\u0027 I\u0027ve never listened long enough to hear any of them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/na.png", "title": "Na", "day": "24" }, { "month": "1", "num": 852, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Local g", "transcript": "He: Did you know that because of centrifugal* force and the shape of the Earth, \"gravity\" can vary by nearly half a percent between major cities?\n*Yes, centrifugal. xkcd.com\n123\n\nHe: That\u0027s not a lot, but it could affect, say, pole vaulting. In a 5m jump, it could make a difference of 2cm.\n\nShe: Huh, interesting.\nHe: I\u0027m going to write an article reevaluating vaulting records to take this into account.\n\nThree days later:\nShe: Good job. There\u0027s an angry mob of athletes outside.\n\n[[He looks off the balcony. The mob of athletes is out of frame.]]\nAthlete: That record was mine!\nAthlete: How dare you cast doubt on our honor?\nAthlete: Have you no respect?!\nAthlete: Make him pay!\nHe: Hey, the math doesn\u0027t lie. Suck it, jocks.\n\nShe: Dude, don\u0027t provoke them.\nHe: Whatever. The building\u0027s locked. Let \u0027em vent for a--\n\u003c\u003ccrash\u003e\u003e\nOff-panel Athlete: GET HIM!\n\nHe: Crap!\nHe: How did the pole vaulters get up to our balcony?\n\nShe: ...\n\n[[Beat frame]]\n\nShe: That might be the stupidest question I\u0027ve ever heard.\nHe: Right.\n\n{{Title text: In Rio de Janeiro in 2016, the same jump will get an athlete 0.25% higher (\u003e1cm) than in London four years prior.}}", "alt": "In Rio de Janeiro in 2016, the same jump will get an athlete 0.25% higher (\u003e1cm) than in London four years prior.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/local_g.png", "title": "Local g", "day": "26" }, { "month": "1", "num": 853, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Consecutive Vowels", "transcript": "He: I was running a factor analysis on this huge database, and check out what it found:\n[[He holds up the chart.]]\n\n[[It\u0027s a graph plotting \"sexual arousal\" against \"consecutive vowels.\" The trendline is a smooth exponential curve.]]\n\nShe: Huh? This chart makes no sense. What--\nHe: \"Queueing\"\n\n[[She grabs him.]]\nShe: FUCK ME NOW.\n\n{{Title text: But the windows! What if there\u0027s a voyuer watchi-- wait, now I\u0027m turned on too.}}", "alt": "But the windows! What if there\u0027s a voyeur watchi-- wait, now I\u0027m turned on too.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/consecutive_vowels.png", "title": "Consecutive Vowels", "day": "28" }, { "month": "1", "num": 854, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Learning to Cook", "transcript": "{{A flowchart.}}\n\nI should cook more! -\u003e Buy ingredients -\u003e Put some in a pan -\u003e Cook -\u003e Does it taste good? -\u003e (arrows marked \"Kinda\" and \"No\" both lead to) Put leftovers in fridge -\u003e (hours pass) -\u003e Order pizza -\u003e (days pass) -\u003e Throw away leftovers -\u003e (weeks pass) -\u003e Throw away remaining ingredients as they go bad -\u003e (months pass) -\u003e (arrow leads back to beginning)\n\n{{Title text: And yet I never stop thinking, \u0027sure, these ingredients cost more than a restaurant meal, but think how many meals I\u0027ll get out of them! Especially since each one will have leftovers!\u0027}}", "alt": "And yet I never stop thinking, \u0027sure, these ingredients cost more than a restaurant meal, but think how many meals I\u0027ll get out of them! Especially since each one will have leftovers!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/learning_to_cook.png", "title": "Learning to Cook", "day": "31" }, { "month": "2", "num": 855, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "1999", "transcript": "[[Inverted intro panel]] \nIt\u0027s easy to forget, as we heap awards on The Social Network,\nThat before there was Facebook, MySpace, or even Friendster...\nOne website dreamed bigger than them all.\n\n[[Two guys talking]]\nGuy #1: People like doing stuff, so why not build a website that offers that?\nGuy #2: Offers what? What would I do there?\nGuy #1: Anything! The only limit is yourself!\n\n[[Guy runs in. Two guys are by a computer, one sitting at it wearing headphones.]]\nGuy running in: Hey, we need more--\nStanding guy: Don\u0027t--he\u0027s wired in.\nGuy at computer: THE INFINITE IS POSSIBLE.\nStanding guy: Or baked. It\u0027s hard to tell.\n\n[[Two guys are sitting at a restaurant booth.]]\nGuy #1: It\u0027s time to monetize. We could make millions!\nGuy #2: No way. A million dollars isn\u0027t cool. You know what\u0027s cool?\nGuy #1: A billio--\nGuy #2: CIRCLES.\n\n[[View from booth of a guy leaving, turning back to say something.]]\nGuy: Heya tip: Drop the dot. Just \"Zombocom\". It\u0027s cleaner.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Whoa, twenty-two in two hours!\u0027 \u0027Your site got twenty-two hundred hits in two hours?\u0027 \u0027No. Twenty-two. But still, that\u0027s like half the people on the internet!\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Whoa, twenty-two in two hours!\u0027 \u0027Your site got twenty-two hundred hits in two hours?\u0027 \u0027No. Twenty-two. But still, that\u0027s like half the people on the internet!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1999.png", "title": "1999", "day": "2" }, { "month": "2", "num": 856, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trochee Fixation", "transcript": "Girl: Robot ninja! Pirate doctor laser monkey! Narwhal zombie badger hobo bacon kitty captain penguin raptor jesus!\n\nScientist (to guy): We\u0027d been seeing this brain damage for years, but only recently did our linguists identify the pattern behind it.\n\nScientist: The patients fixate on animals and types of people whose names are trochees (two syllables, with the accent on the first).\n\nThe malfunction causes a rush of dopamine whenever these trocheese are heard or spoken.\n[[Chart shows \"internet\" and \"brain,\" with arrows marked \"trochees\" traveling both ways between them. An arrow marked \"dopamine\" loops from the brain back to the brain.]]\n\nThe warning signs appear in childhood:\n[[Child sits in front of TV.]]\nChild: Yeah! Mighty teenage morphin\u0027 ninja power mutant turtle rangers!\nSocial reinforcement focuses the fixation on a few dozen words.\nGuy (off-panel): Is there a cure?\n\n[[Girl is reclining under a big machine pointed at her face.]]\nScientist: We\u0027re about to try a radical trocheeotomy.\nGuy: Rip out her vocal chords? I\u0027m in favor.\nScientist: No, we\u0027re modifying her vocabulary* to erase the words she\u0027s fixated on.\n*Digitoneurolinguistic hacking! It\u0027s totally real! Ask Neal Stephenson.\n\nScientist: Either the gap will be filled by normal words, or she\u0027ll just generate a new set of trochees.\nScientist: Here goes.\n[[She pulls the lever on a large panel.]]\n\u003c\u003ckachunk bzzzZZZZZZ\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Girl is waking up.]]\nGirl: ... GzZhRmPh ...\nGirl ... banjo turtle!\nGirl: Jetpack ferret pizza lawyer! Dentist hamster wombat plumber turkey jester hindu cowboy hooker bobcat scrapple!\nScientist (off-panel): Sigh.\nScientist: Time for plan B.\nScientist: Someone get a brick.\n\n{{Title text: If you Huffman-coded all the \u0027random\u0027 things everyone on the internet has said over the years, you\u0027d wind up with, like, 30 or 40 bytes *tops*.}}", "alt": "If you Huffman-coded all the \u0027random\u0027 things everyone on the internet has said over the years, you\u0027d wind up with, like, 30 or 40 bytes *tops*.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trochee_fixation.png", "title": "Trochee Fixation", "day": "4" }, { "month": "2", "num": 857, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Archimedes", "transcript": "Guy: In the words of Archimedes,\n\nGuy: Give me a long enough lever and a place to rest it,\n\n[[Guy pulls out a gun.]]\nGuy: Or I will kill one hostage every hour.\n\n{{Title text: Give a man a fish, or he will destroy the only existing vial of antidote.}}", "alt": "Give a man a fish, or he will destroy the only existing vial of antidote.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/archimedes.png", "title": "Archimedes", "day": "7" }, { "month": "2", "num": 858, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Milk", "transcript": "[[Couple sitting opposed, woman on couch reading book and man on a chair with a laptop]]\n\nWoman: The fact that I have breasts doesn\u0027t mean you could milk me now. I\u0027d have to be lactating.\n\n[[a beat passes]]\n\nMan (thinking): Oh my god. She\u0027s psychic!\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s not hard when you have the same thought like 40 or 50 percent of the time.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s not hard when you have the same thought like 40 or 50 percent of the time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/milk.png", "title": "Milk", "day": "9" }, { "month": "2", "num": 859, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "(", "transcript": "(An unmatched left parenthesis creates an unresolved tension that will stay with you all day.\n\n{{Title text: Brains aside, I wonder how many poorly-written xkcd.com-parsing scripts will break on this title (or \\;;\"\u0027\u0027{\u003c\u003c[\u0027 this mouseover text.\"}}", "alt": "Brains aside, I wonder how many poorly-written xkcd.com-parsing scripts will break on this title (or ;;\"\u0027\u0027{\u003c\u003c[\u0027 this mouseover text.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/(.png", "title": "(", "day": "11" }, { "month": "2", "num": 860, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Never Do This", "transcript": "[[Guy brings in a pocket microscope]]\nGuy: Check it out - a pocket microscope!\nGirl: Ooh! Let\u0027s look at stuff!\n\n[[Guy holds a pencil; girl peers at a quarter through the microscope]]\nGuy: The tip of this pencil is neat!\nGirl: This quarter is really scratched.\n\nGuy: Let\u0027s look at the skin under our fingernails!\n\nMinutes later...\n[[Guy and girl curl up in a pit of despair]]\nGuy and girl: oh god oh god\n\n{{Title text: I call Rule 34 on The Secret House.}}", "alt": "I call Rule 34 on The Secret House.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/never_do_this.png", "title": "Never Do This", "day": "14" }, { "month": "2", "num": 861, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wisdom Teeth", "transcript": "Guy, on phone: Hey! Know how you\u0027ve been bugging me to play Minecraft for the past year? I\u0027m game.\nGirl, on phone: But you said you didn\u0027t want to \"get hooked and spend days on end moving virtual cubes around while sitting motionless.\" What changed?\n\nGuy, on phone: I\u0027m having my wisdom teeth out, and I\u0027ll be useless and doped up on painkillers for the next few days, so that actually sounds like the perfect distraction.\nGirl, on phone: Oh. I\u0027ll set you up on our server!\n\n72 hours later...\n[[Girl sitting at computer.]]\nGirl, on phone: Hey -- starting to feel better? Enjoying the game? Let\u0027s see what you\u0027ve... What the hell? Where IS everything?\n\n[[View of a Minecraft screen showing a vast empty expanse of land.]]\nGirl, offscreen: ... You made the entire continent perfectly flat?\nGuy, offscreen: And sorted it into layers.\nGirl, offscreen: ...\nGuy, offscreen: I feel good about things. This is a good game.\n\n[[Guy sitting on the floor at his laptop, bleeding from the mouth, surrounded by bloody wadded-up tissues and holding a bottle of medication.]]\nGirl, on phone: ... What exactly is in the painkillers they gave you?\nGuy, woozy: I can\u0027t read the label because I\u0027m a hologram.\n\n{{Title text: I heard the general anesthesia drugs can cause amnesia, so when I woke up mid-extraction I started taking notes on my hand so I\u0027d remember things later. I managed \u0027AWAKE BUT EVERYTHING OK\u0027 before the dental assistant managed to find and confiscate all my pens.}}", "alt": "I heard the general anesthesia drugs can cause amnesia, so when I woke up mid-extraction I started taking notes on my hand so I\u0027d remember things later. I managed \u0027AWAKE BUT EVERYTHING OK\u0027 before the dental assistant managed to find and confiscate all my pens.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wisdom_teeth.png", "title": "Wisdom Teeth", "day": "16" }, { "month": "2", "num": 862, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Let Go", "transcript": "[[reddit page]]\nLuke (thinking): I shouldn\u0027t be looking at Reddit. Why can\u0027t I stop?\n\n[[CNN page]]\nLuke (thinking): Refreshing CNN again. Do news stories so affect my life that I benefit from checking them more than once a day?\n\n[[shutdown screen]]\nLuke (thinking): I should at least check Faceb... no. Screw it. I can\u0027t do my job when I\u0027m distracting myself every five minutes like this.\n\n[[two people before a battlefield screen]]\nGuy: His computer\u0027s off. Luke - You\u0027ve switched off your targeting computer. What\u0027s wrong?\nLuke: Nothing. I\u0027m all right.\n\n{{Title text: After years of trying various methods, I broke this habit by pitting my impatience against my laziness. I decoupled the action and the neurological reward by setting up a simple 30-second delay I had to wait through, in which I couldn\u0027t do anything else, before any new page or chat client would load (and only allowed one to run at once). The urge to check all those sites magically vanished--and my \u0027productive\u0027 computer use was unaffected.}}", "alt": "After years of trying various methods, I broke this habit by pitting my impatience against my laziness. I decoupled the action and the neurological reward by setting up a simple 30-second delay I had to wait through, in which I couldn\u0027t do anything else, before any new page or chat client would load (and only allowed one to run at once). The urge to check all those sites magically vanished--and my \u0027productive\u0027 computer use was unaffected.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/let_go.png", "title": "Let Go", "day": "18" }, { "month": "2", "num": 863, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Major in the Universe", "transcript": "[[Student before a professor]]\nStudent: How can I pick a major? I\u0027m interested in everything! Can\u0027t I major in \"the universe\"?\n\nProfessor: Okay. First, I\u0027ll need papers on every European trade summit that did not result in an agreement. Then, spend a year memorizing every microprocessor instruction set ever used in a production chip.\n\n[[Student scratches head]]\n\nStudent:What I meat was I just want to read Malcolm Gladwell books and drink.\nProfessor: We all do, sweetie.\n\n{{Title text: I hear Steven Levitt is writing a book analyzing A.J. Jacobs\u0027 quest to spend a year reading everything Malcolm Gladwell ever wrote. The audiobook will be narrated by Robert Krulwich of Radiolab.}}", "alt": "I hear Steven Levitt is writing a book analyzing A.J. Jacobs\u0027 quest to spend a year reading everything Malcolm Gladwell ever wrote. The audiobook will be narrated by Robert Krulwich of Radiolab.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/major_in_the_universe.png", "title": "Major in the Universe", "day": "21" }, { "month": "2", "num": 864, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flying Cars", "transcript": "Person (on phone): It\u0027s 2011. I want my flying car.\nFriend (from phone): Dude.\n\nFriend: You\u0027re complaining to me using a phone on which you buy and read books,\n\nFriend: and which you were using to play a 3D shooter until I interrupted you with what would be a video call if I were wearing a shirt.\n\nPerson: Can\u0027t I have a flying car, too?\nFriend (from phone): You\u0027d crash it while texting and playing Angry Birds.\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s hard to fit in the backseat of my flying car with my android Realdoll when we\u0027re both wearing jetpacks.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s hard to fit in the backseat of my flying car with my android Realdoll when we\u0027re both wearing jetpacks.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flying_cars.png", "title": "Flying Cars", "day": "23" }, { "month": "2", "num": 865, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "xkcd.com now has IPv6 connectivity. If \u003ca href=\"https://test-ipv6.com/\"\u003eyou\u003c/a\u003e can\u0027t reach it, you or your\u003cbr /\u003eISP have \u003ca href=\"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IPv6_brokenness_and_DNS_whitelisting\"\u003emisconfigured equipment\u003c/a\u003e. Sadly, I now have no way to tell you.", "safe_title": "Nanobots", "transcript": "[[Scientist and commander are on a space station.]]\nScientist: Commander! Come quick!\nScientist: It\u0027s the nanobots--they\u0027ve STOPPED!\n\nScientist: They devoured 40% of the Earth, and then just ... quit! They\u0027re just sitting there!\nScientist: Why?!\n\nCommander: It\u0027s a mystery. ... unless ... What\u0027s the volume of each nanobot?\nScientist: A few cubic microns. Why?\nCommander: I think the year 1998 just bought us some time.\n\n[[Earth\u0027s surface, covered in mountains of nanobots.]]\nIn the swarm:\nNanobot: What do you mean, \"Run out of addresses?\"\nOther Nanobot: Look, we should\u0027ve migrated away from IPv6 AGES ago ...\n\n{{Title text: I think the ITEF hit the right balance with the 128 bits thing. We can fit MAC addresses in a \n64 subnet, and the nanobots will only be able to devour half the planet.}}", "alt": "I think the IETF hit the right balance with the 128 bits thing. We can fit MAC addresses in a /64 subnet, and the nanobots will only be able to devour half the planet.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nanobots.png", "title": "Nanobots", "day": "25" }, { "month": "2", "num": 866, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Compass and Straightedge", "transcript": "I learned in high school what geometers discovered long ago:\n[[Geometer, holding a compass and straightedge, looks sad.]]\nUsing only a compass and straightedge, it\u0027s impossible to construct friends.\n\n{{Title text: The Greeks long suspected this, but it wasn\u0027t until April 12th of 1882 that Ferdinand von Lindemann conclusively proved it when he constructed himself the most awesome birthday party possible and nobody showed up.}}", "alt": "The Greeks long suspected this, but it wasn\u0027t until April 12th of 1882 that Ferdinand von Lindemann conclusively proved it when he constructed himself the most awesome birthday party possible and nobody showed up.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/compass_and_straightedge.png", "title": "Compass and Straightedge", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 867, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Herpetology", "transcript": "Ornithology conference:\n[[graph showing a large tree split between amphibians and reptiles]]\nOrnithologist: As you can see, herpetology is a silly field; reptiles are actually more closely related to birds and mammals than to amphibians.It should really be broken up, with lizards folded into ornithology.\n\nHerpetology conference:\n[[graph showing a large tree split between nice people and ornithologists]]\nHerpetologist: As you can see, ornithologists are actually assholes.\n\n{{Title text: Birds are Aves, which is part of the clade Theropoda, which is in Saurischia, which is in Dinosauria. Those birds outside our windows are dinosaurs. We can clear out the rest of our brains because we now have the best fact.}}", "alt": "Birds are Aves, which is part of the clade Theropoda, which is in Saurischia, which is in Dinosauria. Those birds outside our windows are dinosaurs. We can clear out the rest of our brains because we now have the best fact.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/herpetology.png", "title": "Herpetology", "day": "2" }, { "month": "3", "num": 868, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nolan Chart", "transcript": "[[diamond-shaped four-panel diagram]]\n[[top panel labeled \"internet libertarians]]\n[[left panel labeled \"Democrats, Republicans\"]]\n[[bottom panel labeled \"other\"]]\n[[right panel labeled \"baseball fans\"]]\n[[axis increasing in the upper-left direction labeled \"political opinions\"]]\n[[axis increasing in the upper-right direction labeled \"love of diamond-shaped diagrams\"]]\n\n{{Title text: Also in the right quadrant are NFPA-compliant chemical manufacturers and Sir Charles Wheatstone. Sharing the top with the internet libertarians are Nate Silver and several politically-active kite designers.}}", "alt": "Also in the right quadrant are NFPA-compliant chemical manufacturers and Sir Charles Wheatstone. Sharing the top with the internet libertarians are Nate Silver and several politically-active kite designers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nolan_chart.png", "title": "Nolan Chart", "day": "4" }, { "month": "3", "num": 869, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Server Attention Span", "transcript": "[[single blade in a server rack]]\nServer: Hi! I\u0027m a server! Who are you?\n\n[[mobile device with a web browser]]\nBrowser: I\u0027m a browser. I\u0027d like to see this article.\n\nServer:Oh boy! I can help! Let me get it for- ..whoa! You\u0027re a *smartphone* browser? \n\nBrowser: Yeah.\nServer: Cooool! Hey, I\u0027ve got this new mobile version of my site! Check it out! Isn\u0027t it pretty?\n\nBrowser: Sure, but this is just your mobile site\u0027s main page. Where\u0027s the article I wanted?\n\nServer: What article?\nBrowser: The one I-\nServer: Who are you?\nBrowser: I-\nServer: Hi! I\u0027m a server!\n\n{{Title text: They have to keep the adjacent rack units empty. Otherwise, half the entries in their \nvar\nlog\nsyslog are just \u0027SERVER BELOW TRYING TO START CONVERSATION *AGAIN*.\u0027 and \u0027WISH THEY\u0027D STOP GIVING HIM SO MUCH COFFEE IT SPLATTERS EVERYWHERE.\u0027}}", "alt": "They have to keep the adjacent rack units empty. Otherwise, half the entries in their /var/log/syslog are just \u0027SERVER BELOW TRYING TO START CONVERSATION *AGAIN*.\u0027 and \u0027WISH THEY\u0027D STOP GIVING HIM SO MUCH COFFEE IT SPLATTERS EVERYWHERE.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/server_attention_span.png", "title": "Server Attention Span", "day": "7" }, { "month": "3", "num": 870, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "Note: This comic\u0027s filename was originally \u0027advertising.png\u0027. If you\u003cbr /\u003ecouldn\u0027t see it, that was just your AdBlock zealously protecting you.", "safe_title": "Advertising", "transcript": "Mathematically Annoying Advertising:\n\n[[A ⪠B = {x:x ⤠15 or x \u003e 15 } = â ]]\n[[line graph representing the above equation]]\nWhen discussing real numbers, it is impossible to get more vague than \"up to 15% or more\".\n\n[[\"FREE*\" in large text, with substantial illegible fine print]]\nIf someone has paid $x to have the word \"free\" typeset for you and N other people to read, their expected value for the money that will move from you to them is at least $(x\n(N+1))\n\n[[graph representing inverse relationship between \"amount you spend\" on the y axis and \"amount you save\" on the x axis]]\nIt would be difficult for the phrase \"the more you spend the more you save\" to be more wrong.\n\n{{Title text: I remember the exact moment in my childhood when I realized, while reading a flyer, that nobody would ever spend money solely to tell me they wanted to give me something for nothing. It\u0027s a much more vivid memory than the (related) parental Santa talk.}}", "alt": "I remember the exact moment in my childhood when I realized, while reading a flyer, that nobody would ever spend money solely to tell me they wanted to give me something for nothing. It\u0027s a much more vivid memory than the (related) parental Santa talk.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mathematically_annoying.png", "title": "Advertising", "day": "9" }, { "month": "3", "num": 871, "link": "https://www.nothingbutnets.net/", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Charity", "transcript": "Gamer: I\u0027m going to buy this $10 game I want, and I\u0027m donating $10 for malaria eradication.\n\nFriend: If you actually cared, you\u0027d skip the game and donate all $20.\nFriend: What\u0027s more important? Games, or mosquito nets and medicine for kids?\n\nLater:\nGamer: I think I\u0027m going to buy these two $10 games I want.\nOther Friend: Cool; which ones?\n\n{{Title text: I usually respond to someone else doing something good by figuring out a reason that they\u0027re not really as good as they seem. But I\u0027ve been realizing lately that there\u0027s an easier way to handle these situations, and it involves zero internet arguments.}}", "alt": "I usually respond to someone else doing something good by figuring out a reason that they\u0027re not really as good as they seem. But I\u0027ve been realizing lately that there\u0027s an easier way to handle these situations, and it involves zero internet arguments.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/charity.png", "title": "Charity", "day": "11" }, { "month": "3", "num": 872, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fairy Tales", "transcript": "[[Woman is sitting in an armchair, reading a book.]]\nWoman: Are there eigenvectors in Cinderella?\nMan: ... no?\nWoman: The prince didn\u0027t use them to match the shoe to its owner?\nMan: What are you TALKING about?\nWoman: Dammit.\n\n[[Flashback. Girl is in bed, mom is sitting on the edge of the bed reading.]]\nMy mom is one of those people who falls asleep while reading, but keeps talking. She\u0027s a math professor, so she\u0027d start rambling about her work.\nMom: But while the ant gathered food ...\nMom: ... zzzz ...\nMom: ... the grasshopper contracted to a point on a manifold that was NOT a 3-sphere ...\nI\u0027m still not sure which versions are real.\n\n[[Present.]]\nMan: You didn\u0027t notice the drastic subject changes?\nWoman: Well, sometimes her versions were better. We loved Inductive White and the (N-1) Dwarfs.\nWoman: I guess the LIM x-\u003einf (x) little pigs did get a bit weird toward the end ...\n\n{{Title text: Goldilocks\u0027 discovery of Newton\u0027s method for approximation required surprisingly few changes.}}", "alt": "Goldilocks\u0027 discovery of Newton\u0027s method for approximation required surprisingly few changes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fairy_tales.png", "title": "Fairy Tales", "day": "14" }, { "month": "3", "num": 873, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "FPS Mod", "transcript": "[[Person is playing a video game.]]\n\u003c\u003cBLAM\u003e\u003e\nGame: He once built a treehouse.\n\u003c\u003cBLAM\u003e\u003e\nGame: She has 110 unread emails that she was hoping to get to tonight.\n\u003c\u003cBLAM BLAM\u003e\u003e\nGame: He was the only one who took care of the plants back at base.\nNo one liked my FPS mod that gives you three-second snippets from the bios of people you shoot.\n\n{{Title text: Wait, that second one is a woman? ... wait, if that bothers me, then why doesn\u0027t ... man, this game is no fun anymore.}}", "alt": "Wait, that second one is a woman? ... wait, if that bothers me, then why doesn\u0027t ... man, this game is no fun anymore.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fps_mod.png", "title": "FPS Mod", "day": "16" }, { "month": "3", "num": 874, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time Management", "transcript": "[[Person sits at a desk with a computer. There\u0027s a schedule on the wall next to it. Person is typing.]]\nThe key to leading a productive life is time management.\n\u003c\u003ctype type\u003e\u003e\n\nChoose goals, build a schedule, and have the WILLPOWER to follow it--\nor be LEFT BEHIND by those of us who DO.\n\u003c\u003ctype type type\u003e\u003e\n\n[[We see the schedule in closeup.]]\nSCHEDULE\n7:00am Wake up\n7:15am-8:00am Post on productivity blogs about my schedule\n8:00am-whenever Fuck around\n\n{{Title text: I never trust anyone who\u0027s more excited about success than about doing the thing they want to be successful at.}}", "alt": "I never trust anyone who\u0027s more excited about success than about doing the thing they want to be successful at.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time_management.png", "title": "Time Management", "day": "18" }, { "month": "3", "num": 875, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "2009 Called", "transcript": "[[Man is at computer. Woman is standing behind him, looking at clothes on the floor.]]\nWoman: Is this a three wolf moon shirt?\nWoman: Dude, 2009 called, and they--\nMan: OH MY GOD!\n\nMan: DID YOU WARN THEM?\nMan: ABOUT HAITI AND JAPAN?\nWoman: What? No, I--\nMan: You ASSHOLE!\n\n{{Title text: 2017 called, but I couldn\u0027t understand what they were saying over all the screams.}}", "alt": "2017 called, but I couldn\u0027t understand what they were saying over all the screams.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2009_called.png", "title": "2009 Called", "day": "21" }, { "month": "3", "num": 876, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trapped", "transcript": "[[Person is on the phone.]]\nPerson: Hello? 911? I\u0027m trapped!\nPerson: It\u0027s dark and I can\u0027t see anything except these two distorted splotches of light!\nPerson: Help!\n\n[[The 911 operator is in an office, wearing a headset.]]\nOperator: Splotches of light? Your ... eyeballs?\nPerson (over phone): I think that\u0027s what they are! There\u0027s meat everywhere!\n\nOperator: ... so you\u0027re a brain.\nPerson (over phone): Yes!\nOperator: Yeah, we all are. You\u0027re not trapped. Use your body to walk around and experience reality.\n\nPerson: But everything\u0027s just signals in my sensory cortices! How can I be sure they correspond to an external world?!\nOperator (over phone): I\u0027m sorry, but we can\u0027t send a search-and-rescue team into Plato\u0027s cave.\n\n{{Title text: Socrates could\u0027ve saved himself a lot of trouble if he\u0027d just brought a flashlight, tranquilizer gun, and a bunch of rescue harnesses.}}", "alt": "Socrates could\u0027ve saved himself a lot of trouble if he\u0027d just brought a flashlight, tranquilizer gun, and a bunch of rescue harnesses.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trapped.png", "title": "Trapped", "day": "23" }, { "month": "3", "num": 877, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Beauty", "transcript": "[[Two humans are discussing science. They are interrupted by an off-panel shout.]]\nHuman: The problem with scientists is that you take the wonder and beauty out of everything by trying to analyze it.\nShout: Dude!\n\n[[A Scientist runs across the panel, carrying a microscope and a slime mold.]]\nScientist: My plasmoidal slime molds have heightened pigment production! Check out that yellow color! That actually makes them zinc-resistatn. Amazing, huh?\n\n[[The slime mold is proferred to the same human who was speaking earlier. The close up hides the Scientist\u0027s face.]]\nHuman: It looks like dog barf.\nScientist: Hah, yeah! F. Septica is nicknamed \"dog vomit slime mold.\" Cool, huh? Check out my slides!\n\n[[The scientist has set down the microscope on the floor of the panel, and the slime mold is jiggling.]]\nHuman: Okay, never mind: What\u0027s wrong with scientists is that you \ndo\n see wonder and beauty in everything.\nHuman: Oh God, it\u0027s \nmoving!\n\nScientist: It wants to hug you! So cute!\n\n{{Title text: The best hugs are probably from hagfish, which can extrude microscopic filaments that convert a huge volume of water around them to slime in seconds. Instant cozy blanket!}}", "alt": "The best hugs are probably from hagfish, which can extrude microscopic filaments that convert a huge volume of water around them to slime in seconds. Instant cozy blanket!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/beauty.png", "title": "Beauty", "day": "25" }, { "month": "3", "num": 878, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Model Rail", "transcript": "[[Two characters are standing in a basement, the support beams bare.]]\nEnthusiast: I want to build a perfect HO-scale (~1\n87) model train layout of my town.\nRealist: In your basement? Bad idea. Never make a layout of the area you\u0027re in.\n\nEnthusiast: Why not?\nRealist: Because it\u0027d include a little 10\" replica of your house.\n\nEnthusiast: So? That\u0027d be cool! I\u0027d make tiny replicas of my rooms, my furniture--\nRealist: --And your train layout?\n\n((Break free of the traditional panel system. The following appear in magnification circles, going beyond an original large diagram. Each is labeled with a length scale arrow.))\n[[The characters are looking at an HO-scale model railroad, with prominent mountains and a town nestled in the valley.]]\n\u003c-- 18m --\u003e\n\n[[Zoomed in on the first model house.]]\n\u003c-- 21cm --\u003e\n\n[[Zoomed in on the second house. There is a gnat sitting on the model.]]\n\u003c-- 2.4mm --\u003e\n\n[[Zoomed in on the third house. A strand of spiderweb crosses the model, labeled.]]\nSpider web\n\u003c-- 28μm --\u003e\n\n[[Zoomed in on the fourth house. A cold virus is sitting on the model, which is distinctly composed of tiny dots.]]\nCold virus.\n\u003c-- 320nm --\u003e\n\n[[Zoomed in on the fifth house. The entire diorama is composed of large spheres. It appears Dalton\u0027s billiard ball model is correct in the comic universe.]]\n\u003c-- 37Å --\u003e\n\n((A final comment, and normal panels resume.))\nThe Matryoshka Limit: It is impossible to nest more than six HO layouts.\n\n[[The two are standing together once again.]]\nEnthusiast: My God.\nRealist: Yeah. It\u0027s the second rule of model train layouts: No nesting.\n\nEnthusiast: ... what\u0027s the first rule?\nRealist: \"Do \nnot\n talk about model train layouts.\" That rule was actually voted in by our friends and families.\nEnthusiast: Philistines.\n\n{{Title text: I don\u0027t know what\u0027s more telling--the number of pages in the Wikipedia talk page argument over whether the 1\n87.0857143 scale is called \"HO\" or \"H0\", or the fact that within minutes of first hearing of it I had developed an extremely strong opinion on the issue.}}", "alt": "I don\u0027t know what\u0027s more telling--the number of pages in the Wikipedia talk page argument over whether the 1/87.0857143 scale is called \"HO\" or \"H0\", or the fact that within minutes of first hearing of it I had developed an extremely strong opinion on the issue.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/model_rail.png", "title": "Model Rail", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 879, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lamp", "transcript": "[[A person stumbles on a lamp, lying on the ground.]]\n\n[[The person picks it up.]]\n\u003c\u003cRub rub\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The lamp sprays fluids.]]\n\u003c\u003cSplort\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The person holds the lamp at arm\u0027s length, a puddle of fluid on the ground.]]\n\n{{Title text: \u0027That was definitely not in my top three wishes.\u0027 \u0027Who said anything about YOUR wishes?\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027That was definitely not in my top three wishes.\u0027 \u0027Who said anything about YOUR wishes?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lamp.png", "title": "Lamp", "day": "30" }, { "month": "4", "num": 880, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Headache", "transcript": "[[One person has a bike, and is wearing a helmet. The other is at a computer.]]\nBiker: Wanna go for a bike ride?\nOther: Nah, I hate 3D stuff. It gives me a headache.\nWhen you think about it, this excuse can get you out of almost anything.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m only willing to visit placid lakes, salt flats, and painting exhibits until the world\u0027s 3D technology improves.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m only willing to visit placid lakes, salt flats, and painting exhibits until the world\u0027s 3D technology improves.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/headache.png", "title": "Headache", "day": "1" }, { "month": "4", "num": 881, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Probability", "transcript": "[[A plot of years vs. percent, with a solid and a dashed line. The solid line starts at 100%, and drops constantly. The dashed line starts around 85%, rises to 95% after 5 years, then drops.]]\n\n[[A simple table.]]\n5 years 81%\n10 years 77%\n\n[[Two people are sitting on a bench, next to an IV drip hanging from a rack. One is holding a paper.]]\nPerson: You know, probability used to be my favorite branch of math\nPerson: Because it had so many real-life applications.\n\n[[They embrace, faces together.]]\n\n{{Title text: My normal approach is useless here, too.}}", "alt": "My normal approach is useless here, too.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/probability.png", "title": "Probability", "day": "4" }, { "month": "4", "num": 882, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Significant", "transcript": "[[Person with a pony tail runs up to another person, who subsequently points off-panel where there are presumably scientists.]]\nPonytail: Jelly beans cause acne!\nAnother: Scientists! Investigate!\nScientists: But we\u0027re playing Minecraft!\nScientists: ... Fine.\n\n[[Two scientists. One has safety goggles, the other has a sheet of notes.]]\nGoggles: We found no link between jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\n[[Back to the original two.]]\nAnother: That settles that.\nPonytail: I hear it\u0027s only a certain color that causes it.\nAnother: Scientists!\nScientists: But Miiiinecraft!\n\n[[20 near identical small panels follow, 4 rows 5 columns.]]\nGoggles: We found no link between purple jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between brown jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between pink jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between blue jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between teal jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between salmon jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between red jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between turquoise jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between magenta jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between yellow jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between grey jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between tan jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between cyan jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found a link between green jelly beans and acne (p \u003c 0.05).\nOff-panel: WHOA!\n\nGoggles: We found no link between yellow jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between beige jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between lilac jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between black jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between peach jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\nGoggles: We found no link between orange jelly beans and acne (p \u003e 0.05).\n\n[[Newspaper front page.]]\nNEWS\nGreen Jelly Beans Linked To Acne!\n95% Confidence\n[[There is a picture of 3 green jelly beans.]]\nOnly 5% chance of coincidence!\n Scientists...\n\n{{Title text: \u0027So, uh, we did the green study again and got no link. It was probably a--\u0027 \u0027RESEARCH CONFLICTED ON GREEN JELLY BEAN\nACNE LINK; MORE STUDY RECOMMENDED!\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027So, uh, we did the green study again and got no link. It was probably a--\u0027 \u0027RESEARCH CONFLICTED ON GREEN JELLY BEAN/ACNE LINK; MORE STUDY RECOMMENDED!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/significant.png", "title": "Significant", "day": "6" }, { "month": "4", "num": 883, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pain Rating", "transcript": "[[A doctor is carrying a clipboard and consulting with a patient, who\u0027s sitting on a high medical table.]]\nDoctor: Any pain?\nPatient: My arm really hurts.\n\n[[The patient\u0027s friend is standing behind the doctor, as the panel widens.]]\nDoctor: How would you rate the pain, from one to ten, where ten is the worst pain you can imagine?\n\n[[The patient sits on the table.]]\nPatient: The worst pain I can imagine?\n\n[[The patient ponders this, raising a thoughtful hand to their jaw.]]\n\n[[The patient appears to be shocked.]]\n\n[[The patient is huddled up on the table.]]\nPatient: One.\nDoctor: ... What the hell is wrong with his imagination?\nPatient\u0027s Friend: It\u0027s not a normal place.\n\n{{Title text: If it were a two or above I wouldn\u0027t be able to answer because it would mean a pause in the screaming.}}", "alt": "If it were a two or above I wouldn\u0027t be able to answer because it would mean a pause in the screaming.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pain_rating.png", "title": "Pain Rating", "day": "8" }, { "month": "4", "num": 884, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rogers St.", "transcript": "[[Someone with curly hair is standing in front of a sign labeled \u0027Auditions\u0027. A judge of some sort speaks from off-panel.]]\nJudge: \nSeriously?\n\nJudge: Sorry, no, that\u0027s a huge mood killer.\nJudge: \nNext!\n\nBefore I have a kid, I\u0027m moving to Rogers Street in Cambridge, MA, and then getting a cat named \"Mister\"\nJust to guarantee the kid will never go into porn.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027We can also use middle names in place of first pet\u0027s names, but yours is something incomprehensible about dropping tables.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027We can also use middle names in place of first pet\u0027s names, but yours is something incomprehensible about dropping tables.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rogers_st.png", "title": "Rogers St.", "day": "11" }, { "month": "4", "num": 885, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Recycling", "transcript": "[[A person is picking through various items of trash or recycling on a conveyor belt. A juice bottle, emty cardboard box, opened tin can, bottlecap, crumpled and flat sheets of paper, a soda or pop can, and miscellaneous junk are visible.]]\nPerson: This guy tears the labels off his cans, so he clearly understands they\u0027re going to be sorted somewhere - \nPerson: Yet in the same batch he includes a bottle with like an ounce of congealed juice in it.\nPerson: What an asshole.\nI worry a lot about what the people at the recycling center think of me.\n\n{{Title text: And given how much of my stuff they go through, they definitely know where I live.}}", "alt": "And given how much of my stuff they go through, they definitely know where I live.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/recycling.png", "title": "Recycling", "day": "13" }, { "month": "4", "num": 886, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Craigslist Apartments", "transcript": "((The comic is a single panel, presented as an apartment search.))\n[[Title bar.]]\nAll apartments\nSearch for: [_______] in: All apartments ( ) Title only (*) Entire post Search\nRent: [Min] [Max] 0+ BR [ ] Cats [ ] Dogs [ ] Has image\n[[Date bar]]\nFri Apr 15\n[[Begin the apartment listings.]]\n$1600 \n 2BR ~~~ Hardwood floors, utilities included. Cats ok, limit one per square foot.\n$1100 \n **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! ****\n$2300 \n 3BR !!!!!!!! Elegant apartment permanently lit by strobe light!!!! No floor.\n$1100 \n **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! ****\n$980 \n 1BR New \"hammock\"-style dwelling. Water and heat free from same dispenser. Viking landlord.\n$1550 \n 2BR (one inside the other). Has running water, in a sense. Free heat in short, intense bursts. Klein stairs.\n$1100 \n **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! ****\n$1100 \n **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! ****\n$3200 \n 1BR W\ntrimmed carpet and pert fixtures. Previous tenants clean. Call now, want you inside. $120\nnight (no animals)\n$2100 \n 3BR on scenic Ash Tree Lane. Builder unknown; house has always existed. Walls shift; center of house may contain minotaur.\n$1100 \n **** GREAT DEAL SQUARE HOUSE DOOR IN FRONT!!! ****\n$600 \n 5BR Three floors w\n pool, rooftop garden, beautiful glass facade, no catch, 5-min drive to historic Pripyat\n$7100 \n 60BR Sleek modern w\nextreme running water. Previous tenants may resist entry. Contains all new wiring and is a submarine.\n$1616 \n 3BR + 2Bath, tub full of blood. Closet full of board games which play themselves. Pets ok but won\u0027t survive long.\n\n{{Title text: $1600 \n 1386153BR 3BATH, MODERN SLIDING DOORS, GUEST ROOMS, GARBAGE DISPOSAL. FREE MANDATORY PARKING (ENFORCED). CONVENIENT TO ALDERAAN.}}", "alt": "$1600 / 1386153BR 3BATH, MODERN SLIDING DOORS, GUEST ROOMS, GARBAGE DISPOSAL. FREE MANDATORY PARKING (ENFORCED). CONVENIENT TO ALDERAAN.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/craigslist_apartments.png", "title": "Craigslist Apartments", "day": "15" }, { "month": "4", "num": 887, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Future Timeline", "transcript": "The Future\nAccording to Google Search results\nEvents for each year determined by the first page of Google Search results for the phrases:\n\"by \u003cyear\u003e\"\n\"in year\"\n\"by the year \u003cyear\u003e\"\n\"in the year \u003cyear\u003e\"\n\"will * by the year \u003cyear\u003e\"\n\"will * in the year \u003cyear\u003e\"\n\"in \u003cyear\u003e, * will\"\n\"by \u003cyear\u003e, * will\"\n\n((The remainder of the comic is a vertical timeline. Each year is linked to several facts.))\n2012\nWorld population reaches 7 billion\nFlying cars reach market\nCanada cuts greenhouse emissions to 6% below 1990 levels as per Kyoto\nApocalypse occurs\n\n2013\nNational debt paid off through President Clinton\u0027s plan\nMicrochipping of all Americans begins\nHomelessness ended in Massachusetts\nHealth Care reform law repealed\n\n2014\nUS leaves Afghanistan\nGNU\nLinux becomes dominant OS\n\n2015\nNew Horizons reaches Pluto\nHealth Care law causes hyperinflation\n192 UN Member Nations achieve Millennium Development Goals:\n- Extreme poverty and hunger eradicated\n- Universal primary education implemented\n- Women empowered, gender equality reached\n- Environmental stability ensured\n\n2016\nBaby boomers begin turning 65\nAndroid takes 38% of the Smartphone market\nAndroid takes 45% of the Smartphone market\nWindows Phone overtakes iOS in Smartphones\n\n2017\nChina completes unmanned lunar sample-return mission\nSocial Security stops running surplus\nUS Budget balanced\nNewspapers become obsolete and die out\nCosmetic surgery doubles\n\n2018\nSocial security stops running surplus\nJesus returns to Earth\n\n2019\nSocial security stops running surplus\nEvery baby has genes mapped at birth\n\n2020\nSolar power becomes cheaper than fossil fuels\nKeyboards and mice become obsolete\nNew Tappan Zee Bridge constructed\n\n2021\nUS debt reaches 97% of GDP\nUS unemployment falls to 2.8%\nRestored caliphate unifies Middle East\nLake Mead evaporates\n\n2022\nKilimanjaro snow-free\nHTML 5 finished\nNewspapers become obsolete and die out\n\n2023\nJesus returns to Earth (again)\nUS debt passes 100% of GDP\nAll unprotected ancient forests gone from Pacific Northwest\n\n2024\nAtlantis begins to reappear\nOrangutans extinct in wild\nChina lands men and women on Moon\nNASA sets up permanent Moon Base\nFemale professionals pass males in pay\n\n2025\nWorld population reaches 8 billion\nTwo billion people face water shortages\n62 MPG cars introduced\nUS power fades\n\n2026\nAtlantis emerges completely\nRock bands die out\nUS debt paid off\nCar accidents cease\nWest coast falls into ocean\n\n2027\nJapan introduces new fastest Maglev train\nLyndon Larouche-planned Mars colony established\nSocial security stops running surplus\n\n2028\nTobacco outlawed\n40% of coral reefs gone\nUS debt paid off\nSocial Security stops running surplus\n\n2029\nSocial Security trust fund exhausted\nComputers pass the Turing test\nAging reversed\nWikipedia reaches 30 million articles\n\n2030\nHalf of Amazon rain forest lost to logging\nCancer deaths double from 2008 levels\nArctic ice-free in summer\n\n2031\nComputers controlled by thought\nRealtors replaced by technology\nSocial Security trust fund exhausted\n\n2032\n\"Big One\" hits San Francisco\nUS elects first married lesbian president\nEntire world converted to Christianity\n\n2033\nKilimanjaro ice disappears\nIndia becomes superpower\nEurope reaches Mars\n\n2034\nUS diabetes cases double, treatment costs triple\nUS builds autonomous robot army\n\n2035\n80% of America\u0027s energy comes from renewable sources\nHimalayan glaciers down 80% in size\nArctic Sea lane opens\n\n2036\n80% of US has access to high-speed rail\nAsteroid Apophis misses\nhits Earth\n\n2037\nArctic ice-free in September\nSocial Security trust fund exhausted\n\n2038\n32-bit timestamps roll over, causing Y2K-level chaos\n\"Big One\" hits California\n\n2039\nUS population hits 400 million\nSevere heat waves become commonplace\nScientology becomes majority religion in US\n\n2040\nArctic summers ice-free\nNanotechnology makes humans immortal\n\n2041\nSocial Security trust fund exhausted\n\n2042\n\n2043\nWorld population passes 9 billion\n\n2044\nMankind genetically engineered to be happy\nChildhood obesity reaches 100%\n\n2045\nHumans and machines merge\n\n2046\nWorld\u0027s natural resources depleted\n\n2047\nWorld ruled by banks and corporations\nTobacco industry fails\nUS begins using autonomous attack drones\n\n2048\nSalt-water fish extinct from overfishing\nUnisex bathing suits cover body from shoulder to ankle\nEntire US population overweight\n\n2049\n$1,000 computer exceeds computational ability of humanity\nSingularity occurs\nFishing industry collapses\n\n2050\n80% of Earth\u0027s population lives in urban centers\nChina controls space\nSex with robots possible\nCars banned from European cities\nOne million species extinct from climate change\n\n2051\nAtmosphere escapes into space\n\n2052\nMedicare, Medicaid, and Social Security spending exceed total US revenue\n\n2053\nUS budget balanced\nMajority of Americans in prison\nCars driven by dogs\n\n2054\nHunger becomes unimaginable global problem\n\n2055\nAtmospheric CO2 doubled\nOil runs out\nCopper, tin, lead, gold, and nickel are all exhausted\n\n2056\nRFID-tagged driverless cars\nRobots given same rights as humans\n\n2057\n150 Japanese settlers on Mars\nColorado River runs dry\n\n2058\nSmoking ends in New Zealand\n\n2059\nHumans have domesticated robots\n\n2060\nHuman race lives in peace\nExtreme droughts across much of Earth\nGlobal temperature rise reaches 4°C\nOil runs out again\n\n2061\nHalley\u0027s Comet returns\n\n2062\nUganda hosts World Cup\nThe Jetsons\n\n2063\nFirst human clones reach adulthood\nPopulation of Moon reaches 100,000\nPopulation of Mars reaches 10,000\nSpacecraft exceed speed of light\n\n2064\nClean Air Act finishes reducing haze in national parks to natural levels\n\n2065\nLast coral reefs die out\nChernobyl cleanup completed\n\n2066\nCyprus achieves its goal\n\n2067\nAmericans live in domed cities and watch 3D TV\nRedheads go extinct\n\n2068\nOzone hole over Antarctic finishes recovering\nLord Jesus rules Earth from throne in Jerusalem\nEntire world population gay due to chemicals in the water\n\n2069\nPublic masturbation legalized\n\n2070\nWorld population peaks\nCity-scale flooding disasters\n60% of world\u0027s energy comes from renewable sources\n\n2071\nEurope\u0027s temperatures rise by 3°C\nWorld summer temperatures rise by 5°C\n\n2072\nUS retirement age set to 75\n\n2073\nOceans do not rise one foot\n\n2074\nNumber of 100-year-olds reaches one million\nSupertyphoons hit Japan\n\n2075\nUS retirement age set to 69\n\n2076\nAverage scientific paper has more than 24 authors\nSocial Security trust fund exhausted\n\n2077\n\n2078\nNewspapers become obsolete and die out\n\n2079\nUS debt reaches 716% of GDP\nLodgepole Pines disappear from Northwest\nFloods commonplace\nReligion marginalized\n\n2080\nFederal spending reaches 70% of GDP\nUK population doubles\n\n2081\n\n2082\nWorld population declines to one billion\n\n2083\n\n2084\nRobot policemen introduced\n\n2085\nUS deficit reaches 62% of GDP\n\n2086\n\n2087\n\n2088\nJapan becomes all-robot country\n\n2089\nWorld halts fossil fuel use\n\n2090\nGlobal warming hits 7°C\nGlobal warming hits 4°C\n\n2091\n\n2092\n\n2093\n\n2094\n\n2095\n\n2096\n\n2097\n\n2098\n\n2099\n\n2100\nGlobal warming around 5-7°C\nSea levels have risen by a meter or more\nJoshua Trees nearly extinct\nEarth\u0027s climate resembles that of the Cretaceous\nGermany tropical\nEmperor Penguins extinct\nArctic permafrost thaws\nRising seas flood coastal cities\nRain forests mostly gone due to climatic shifts\nAll coral reefs gone\nGillette introduces 14-bladed razor\n\n2101\nWAR WAS BEGINNING\n\n{{Title text: Not shown: the approximately 30,000 identical, vaguely hysterical articles titled \"WHITE PEOPLE IN [THE US\nBRITAIN] TO BECOME MINORITY BY [YEAR]!\", which came up for basically any year I put in.}}", "alt": "Not shown: the approximately 30,000 identical, vaguely hysterical articles titled \"WHITE PEOPLE IN [THE US/BRITAIN] TO BECOME MINORITY BY [YEAR]!\", which came up for basically any year I put in.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/future_timeline.png", "title": "Future Timeline", "day": "18" }, { "month": "4", "num": 888, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Heaven", "transcript": "[[The display is a tetris game. A large oddly shaped piece is falling towards the board. The piece fits into the gaps exactly to complete multiple rows at once. The next piece is simply a very long brick.]]\nTop 0002187\nScore 0002186\nLevel 5\n((The above are within the game; the next line is outside the game.))\nHeaven\n\n{{Title text: If you\u0027ve never had sex, this is what it feels like. Complete with the brief feeling of satisfaction, followed by ennui, followed by getting bored and trying to make it happen again.}}", "alt": "If you\u0027ve never had sex, this is what it feels like. Complete with the brief feeling of satisfaction, followed by ennui, followed by getting bored and trying to make it happen again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/heaven.png", "title": "Heaven", "day": "20" }, { "month": "4", "num": 889, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Turtles", "transcript": "[[There is a turtle.]]\nOff-panel: Oh, crap, I deleted the file!\n\n[[There is a turtle.]]\nTurtle (thinking): I am a turtle.\n\n[[There is a turtle.]]\nOff-panel: No, wait, there it is.\n\n[[There is a turtle.]]\nTurtle (thinking): I am a turtle.\n\n[[There is a turtle.]]\n50 Years Later:\nTurtle (thinking): I am a turtle.\n\nTurtles have it figured out, man.\n\n{{Title text: You\u0027re a turtle!}}", "alt": "You\u0027re a turtle!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/turtles.png", "title": "Turtles", "day": "22" }, { "month": "4", "num": 890, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Etymology", "transcript": "[[Obi-Wan Kenobi, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Chewbacca are sitting in Chalmun\u0027s Spaceport Cantina, a wretched hive of scum and villainy]]\nHan Solo: Han Solo. I\u0027m captain of the Millenium Falcon\n\nLuke Skywalker: What\u0027s that?\n\nHan: It\u0027s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 Parsecs!\n\nLuke: No, what\u0027s a falcon?\n\nHan: ...\n\n{{Title text: For some reason, my childhood suspension of disbelief had no problem with the fact that this ancient galaxy is full of humans, but was derailed by language. There\u0027s no Asia OR Europe there, so where\u0027d they get all the Indo-European roots?}}", "alt": "For some reason, my childhood suspension of disbelief had no problem with the fact that this ancient galaxy is full of humans, but was derailed by language. There\u0027s no Asia OR Europe there, so where\u0027d they get all the Indo-European roots?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/etymology.png", "title": "Etymology", "day": "25" }, { "month": "4", "num": 891, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Movie Ages", "transcript": "The 2011 Guide to Making People Feel Old\n-Using Movie Release Dates-\n[[A chart with 2 columns. First column is labeled \u0027Their Age,\u0027 and is numbered 1 through 35 \u0026 \u0027over 35.\u0027 The second column is labeled \u0027You Say\u0027 and is divided into four sub-columns. The first sub-column reads \u0027\"Did you realize that...\u0027 from 1-35, and the third sub-column says \u0027Came Out\u0027 from 1-35.]\nAge 16: Snakes on a plane ... Half a decade ago?\"\n17-19: Revenge of the Sith ... More than half a decade ago?\"\n20: Finding Nemo ... Eight years ago?\"\n21-22: Shrek ... Ten years ago?\"\n23-25: The Matrix ... Not the last decade, but the one before \nthat\n?\"\n26: Toy Story\" ... Over fifteen years ago?\"\n27: The Lion King ... Seventeen years ago?\"\n28: Jurassic Park ... Eighteen years ago?\"\n29: Terminator 2 ... Twenty years ago?\"\n30-32: Home Alone ... More than twenty years ago?\"\n33-35\" The Little Mermaid ... Closer to the moon landing than the present day?\nOver 35: \"Hey, did you see this chart? You match your age to movie -- oh, right, sorry, it only goes up to 35. I guess it\u0027s not really aimed at older people.\"\n\n{{Title text: If you\u0027re 15 or younger, then just remember that it\u0027s nevertheless probably too late to be a child prodigy.}}", "alt": "If you\u0027re 15 or younger, then just remember that it\u0027s nevertheless probably too late to be a child prodigy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/movie_ages.png", "title": "Movie Ages", "day": "27" }, { "month": "4", "num": 892, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Null Hypothesis", "transcript": "[[A student works at a desk.]]\n\nBystander: I can\u0027t believe schools are still teaching kids about the null hypothesis.\nBystander: I remember reading a big study that conclusively disproved it YEARS ago.\n\n{{Title text: Hell, my eighth grade science class managed to conclusively reject it just based on a classroom experiment. It\u0027s pretty sad to hear about million-dollar research teams who can\u0027t even manage that.}}\n", "alt": "Hell, my eighth grade science class managed to conclusively reject it just based on a classroom experiment. It\u0027s pretty sad to hear about million-dollar research teams who can\u0027t even manage that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/null_hypothesis.png", "title": "Null Hypothesis", "day": "29" }, { "month": "5", "num": 893, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "65 Years", "transcript": "[[A graph titled \u0027Number of Living Humans Who Have Walked on Another World\u0027 -- its y-axis is numbered 5, 10, 15, it\u0027s x-axis increments every ten years from 1960-2040. The line of the graph has a bracket above it that says \u002765 Years\u0027, starting at 1969, ending in 2034. \n\nThe line starts at 1969 and increases steeply to 12 by 1972. It then plateaus until the early nineties declines gradually to 8 between 1991-1999, and then plateaus again.\n\nFrom 2020-2035, which is labeled \u0027Projected Actuarial Tables\u0027, the line branches into three and begins to decline more steeply to zero. The area between the first and second branch is shaded and labeled \u00275th percentile\u0027 and the area between the second and third branch is shaded and labeled \u002795th percentile.\u0027]] \n\n{{Title text: The universe is probably littered with the one-planet graves of cultures which made the sensible economic decision that there\u0027s no good reason to go into space--each discovered, studied, and remembered by the ones who made the irrational decision.}}", "alt": "The universe is probably littered with the one-planet graves of cultures which made the sensible economic decision that there\u0027s no good reason to go into space--each discovered, studied, and remembered by the ones who made the irrational decision.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/65_years.png", "title": "65 Years", "day": "2" }, { "month": "5", "num": 894, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Progeny", "transcript": "[[A guy sits at a computer; a woman stands behind him.]]\n\nGuy: Wow -- researchers taught a computer to beat the world\u0027s best humans at yet ANOTHER task. Does our species have ANYTHING left to be proud of?\nWoman: Well, it sounds like we\u0027re pretty awesome at teaching.\nGuy: Huh? What good is THAT?\n\n{{Title text: I tell my children \u0027it\u0027s not whether you win or lose, it\u0027s how you play the game.\u0027 I\u0027m trying to take the edge off their competitive drive to ensure that I can always beat them.}}", "alt": "I tell my children \u0027it\u0027s not whether you win or lose, it\u0027s how you play the game.\u0027 I\u0027m trying to take the edge off their competitive drive to ensure that I can always beat them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/progeny.png", "title": "Progeny", "day": "4" }, { "month": "5", "num": 895, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Teaching Physics", "transcript": "Teacher: Understanding gravity: Space-time is like a rubber sheet. Massive objects distort the sheet, and--\nStudent: Wait.\n\nStudent: They distort it because they\u0027re pulled down by... what?\n\nTeacher: \u003c\u003csigh\u003e\u003e\n\nTeacher: Space-time is like this set of equations, for which any analogy must be an approximation.\nStudent: BOOOOORING.\n\n{{Title text: Space-time is like some simple and familiar system which is both intuitively understandable and precisely analogous, and if I were Richard Feynman I\u0027d be able to come up with it.}}", "alt": "Space-time is like some simple and familiar system which is both intuitively understandable and precisely analogous, and if I were Richard Feynman I\u0027d be able to come up with it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/teaching_physics.png", "title": "Teaching Physics", "day": "6" }, { "month": "5", "num": 896, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "Today\u0027s comic might be familiar to a few dozen of you. :)\u003cbr /\u003eP.S. \u003ca href=\"https://blog.xkcd.com/2011/05/08/michael-bays-scenario/\"\u003eNew blag post\u003c/a\u003e!", "safe_title": "Marie Curie", "transcript": "Woman: My teacher always told me that if I applied myself, I could become the next Marie Curie.\nZombie Marie Curie: You know, I wish they\u0027d get over me.\n\nWoman: Zombie Marie Curie!\n\nZombie Marie Curie: Not that I don\u0027t deserve it. These two Nobels ain\u0027t decorative. But I make a sorry role model if girls just see me over and over as the one token lady scientist.\n\nZombie Marie Curie: Lise Meitner figured out that nuclear fission was happening, while her colleague Otto was staring blankly at their data in confusion, and proved Enrico Fermi wrong in the process. Enrico and Otto both got Nobel Prizes. Lise got a National Women\u0027s Press Club award.\nZombie Marie Curie: They finally named an element after her, but not until 60 years later.\n\nZombie Marie Curie: Emmy Noether fought past her Victorian-era finishing-school upbringing, pursued mathematics by auditing classes, and, after finally getting a Ph.D, was permitted to teach only as an unpaid lecturer (often under male colleagues\u0027 names).\nWoman: Was she as good as them?\nZombie Marie Curie: She revolutionized abstract algebra, filled gaps in relativity, and found what some call the most beautiful, deepest result in theoretical physics.\nWoman: Oh.\n\nZombie Marie Curie: But you don\u0027t become great by trying to be great. You become great by wanting to do something, and then doing it so hard that you become great in the process.\n\nZombie Marie Curie: So don\u0027t try to be the next me, Noether, or Meitner. Just remember that if you want to do this stuff, you\u0027re not alone.\nWoman: Thanks.\nZombie Marie Curie: Also, avoid radium. Turns out it kills you.\nWoman: I\u0027ll try.\n\n{{Title text: Although not permanently.}}", "alt": "Although not permanently.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/marie_curie.png", "title": "Marie Curie", "day": "9" }, { "month": "5", "num": 897, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Elevator Inspection", "transcript": "[[Three people in an elevator, one reading a posted sign.]]\nReading guy: It says here that the elevator inspection certificate is on file in the building office.\nMiddle guy: Whoa, cool! Let\u0027s go look at it!\nExcited girl: That sounds fun!\n\nIndustry tip: Building owners know this never happens. Those signs mark elevators which have never been inspected.\n\n{{Title text: Even governmental elevator inspectors get bored halfway through asking where the building office is.}}", "alt": "Even governmental elevator inspectors get bored halfway through asking where the building office is.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/elevator_inspection.png", "title": "Elevator Inspection", "day": "11" }, { "month": "5", "num": 898, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Chain of Command", "transcript": "[[A flowchart shows the President at the top, with an arrow to the Secretary of Defense, and then fourteen arrows leading to a series of boxes labeled Unified Combat Commanders. On the side, a box with a dotted outline has a dotted arrow leading to the president. It\u0027s labeled \"Engineer Who Installed the Red Button.\"]]\nUS NUCLEAR CHAIN OF COMMAND\n\n{{Title text: Themistocles said his infant son ruled all Greece -- \"Athens rules all Greece; I control Athens; my wife controls me; and my infant son controls her.\" Thus, nowadays the world is controlled by whoever buys advertising time on Dora the Explorer.}}", "alt": "Themistocles said his infant son ruled all Greece -- \"Athens rules all Greece; I control Athens; my wife controls me; and my infant son controls her.\" Thus, nowadays the world is controlled by whoever buys advertising time on Dora the Explorer.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chain_of_command.png", "title": "Chain of Command", "day": "13" }, { "month": "5", "num": 899, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Number Line", "transcript": "{{Title text: The Wikipedia page \"List of Numbers\" opens with \"This list is incomplete; you can help by expanding it.\"}}\n\n(( number line ranging from -1 to 10 ))\n\n(( arrow pointing left, towards negative numbers )) Negative \"imitator\" numbers (do not use)\n\n(( line right before the number one )) 0.99... (acutally 0.0000000372 less than 1)\n\n(( line at the golden ratio )) Ï - Parthenon; sunflowers; golden ratio; wait, come back, I have facts!\n\n(( line at a region between two and 2.2 )) forbidden region\n\n(( line at Euler\u0027s number )) e\n\n(( line a bit before 3 )) 2.9299372 (e and Ï pi, observed)\n\n(( line at Ï )) Ï\n\n(( line at 3.5 with a ribbon as the numeral )) Grid - accepted as canon by orthodox mathematicians \n\n(( line a bit after 4 )) site of battle of 4.108\n\n(( blob between 4.5 and 6.5 labeled unexplored ))\n\n(( line at seven )) Number indicating a factoid is made up (\"every 7 years...\", \"science says there are 7...\", etc)\n\n(( line at eight )) Largest even prime\n\n(( line at 8.75 )) If you encounter a number higher than this, you\u0027re not doing real math\n\n", "alt": "The Wikipedia page \"List of Numbers\" opens with \"This list is incomplete; you can help by expanding it.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/number_line.png", "title": "Number Line", "day": "16" }, { "month": "5", "num": 900, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Religions", "transcript": "Woman: So are you worried about the rapture?\nMan: No, unless it figures out how to open doors.\nWoman: I said RAPTURE.\n\nMan: Oh. I\u0027m not really into that. I\u0027m the kind of Christian who only goes to church on Christmas and Easter, and then spends the other 363 days at the Mosque.\nWoman: ... I don\u0027t think that\u0027s a thing.\nMan: Our rabbi swears it\u0027s legit.\n\nMan: What religion are you?\nWoman: Experimentalist monotheism.\nMan: Which is?\nWoman: We believe there\u0027s one god, but we\u0027re trying to find the error bars on that number.\n\n{{Title text: But to us there is but one God, plus or minus one. --1 Corinthians 8:6±2.}}", "alt": "But to us there is but one God, plus or minus one. --1 Corinthians 8:6±2.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/religions.png", "title": "Religions", "day": "18" }, { "month": "5", "num": 901, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Temperature", "transcript": "[[A close up of a man with a thermometer in his mouth.]]\n\n[[The thermometer beeps.]]\nThermometer: BEEP\n\n[[A full-body shot of the man looking down at the thermometer.]]\n\n[[A close-up of the thermometer\u0027s read-out.]]\nThermometer: PREGNANT\n\n{{Title text: And the baby has a fever.}}", "alt": "And the baby has a fever.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/temperature.png", "title": "Temperature", "day": "20" }, { "month": "5", "num": 902, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Darmok and Jalad", "transcript": "[[Captain Dathon is seen on a communications screen]]\nAlien: Darmok and Jalad at Kalenda\u0027s!\n\n[[Jean-Luc Picard and Deanna Troi stand next to each other, looking off to the right.]]\nPicard: Their language must be based on folklore and metaphor! Computer! Search cultural archives for Darmok-Jalad-Kalenda!\n\n[[Picard and Troi listen to the response]]\nComputer (off-panel): In Tamarian legend, Darmok and Jalad got totally wasted and hooked up at a party at Kalenda\u0027s.\n\n[[Dathon is seen on the communications screen again, winking]]\n\u003c\u003cWiiiiiink\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: I wonder how often Patrick Stewart has Darmok flashbacks when talking to Star Trek fans.}}", "alt": "I wonder how often Patrick Stewart has Darmok flashbacks when talking to Star Trek fans.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/darmok_and_jalad.png", "title": "Darmok and Jalad", "day": "23" }, { "month": "5", "num": 903, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Extended Mind", "transcript": "[[An IM window is open over a Chrome window with tabs for Spark Plug, Feeler Gauge, and Wikipedia.]]\nMessage with Mike1979\nMike1979: I replaced my spark plugs and now my car is running weird.\nMe: The spark gap might be off.\nMe: You can check with a feeler gauge.\nMike1979: What should the gap be?\nMe: Usually between 0.035\" and 0.070\".\nMe: But it depends on the engine.\n\n[[An IM window is open over a Chrome window with a single Wikipedia tab, marked ERROR. The page says: \"Wikipedia has a problem. Try waiting a few minutes and reloading (can\u0027t contact the database server: unknown error (10.0.0.242))]]\nMessage with Mike1979\nMike1979: I replaced my spark plugs and now my car is running weird.\nMe: What is a sparky plug??\nMe: Help\nMe: What is a car??\n\n{{Title text: Wikipedia trivia: if you take any article, click on the first link in the article text not in parentheses or italics, and then repeat, you will eventually end up at \"Philosophy\".}}", "alt": "Wikipedia trivia: if you take any article, click on the first link in the article text not in parentheses or italics, and then repeat, you will eventually end up at \"Philosophy\".", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/extended_mind.png", "title": "Extended Mind", "day": "25" }, { "month": "5", "num": 904, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sports", "transcript": "[[Two commentators sit behind a desk.]]\nCommentator 1: A weighted random number generator just produced a new batch of numbers.\nCommentator 2: Let\u0027s use them to build narratives!\nALL SPORTS COMMENTARY\n\n{{Title text: Also, all financial analysis. And, more directly, D\u0026D.}}", "alt": "Also, all financial analysis. And, more directly, D\u0026D.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sports.png", "title": "Sports", "day": "27" }, { "month": "5", "num": 905, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Homeownership", "transcript": "[[Person is in an empty room, on the phone with a friend.]]\nPerson: I\u0027ve always rented, so this blows my mind--this house is mine? I own a building?\nFriend: Yup!\n\nPerson: I could, like, decide to drill a hole in that wall there, and nobody could do anything about it!\nFriend: That\u0027s right!\n\n[[Person, off the phone, stands in silence.]]\n\n[[Person is standing next to a pile of rubble, on the phone with a friend.]]\nPerson: Can I come stay with you? My house has a ... problem.\nFriend: Let me guess: you drilled holes in it until it collapsed?\nPerson: I don\u0027t think I\u0027m cut out for home ownership.\n\n{{Title text: New research shows over 60% of the financial collapse\u0027s toxic assets were created by power drills.}}", "alt": "New research shows over 60% of the financial collapse\u0027s toxic assets were created by power drills.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/homeownership.png", "title": "Homeownership", "day": "30" }, { "month": "6", "num": 906, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Advertising Discovery", "transcript": "Advertising discovery:\n[[Person sits at computer, reading an ad on the screen. The bracketed superscripts are blue.]]\nAd: Turgidax(R) triples[2] your penis size overnight,[2][5] improving both your sexual attractiveness[2][7] and your cardiovascular health.[7][8][9]\nPerson (thinking): Sounds legit.\nWikipedia has trained us to believe anything followed by little blue numbers in brackets.\n\n{{Title text: When advertisers figure this out, our only weapon will be blue sharpies and \"[disputed]\".}}", "alt": "When advertisers figure this out, our only weapon will be blue sharpies and \"[disputed]\".", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/citations.png", "title": "Advertising Discovery", "day": "1" }, { "month": "6", "num": 907, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ages", "transcript": "[[A number line labeled \"age\". The start point is 0, with points labeled 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, and 70, and the line continues past the width of the panel. There are interstitial, non-labeled points. Above the line are labeled brackets. They are (approximated):\n0-3: [Non-sentient]\n4-12: \"Everything is exciting!\"\n13-17: \"Everything sucks!\"\n18-22: \"Woooo college! Wooooo-\" [vomit]\n23-30: \"Relationships are \nhard!\n\n31-42: \"So are careers!\"\n43-54: \"No daughter of \nmine\n is going out dressed like that!\"\n55-75+: [More sex than anyone is comfortable admitting] ]]\n\n{{Title text: Every age: \"I\u0027m glad I\u0027m not the clueless person I was five years ago, but now I don\u0027t want to get any older.\"}}", "alt": "Every age: \"I\u0027m glad I\u0027m not the clueless person I was five years ago, but now I don\u0027t want to get any older.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ages.png", "title": "Ages", "day": "3" }, { "month": "6", "num": 908, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Cloud", "transcript": "[[A man finds a computer tower with a wire leading away from it.]]\nMan: What\u0027s this?\nOff-screen: The Cloud.\n\n[[The man looks behind him. The wire leads to an outlet in the wall next to where the Hat Man sits at a desk with a computer. Another wire leads from that outlet to the Hat Man\u0027s computer.]]\nMan: Huh? I always thought \"The Cloud\" was a huge, amorphous network of servers somewhere.\nHat Man: Yeah, but everyone buys server time from everyone else. In the end, they\u0027re all getting it here.\n\n[[A close-up of Hat Man.]]\nMan (off-screen): How? You\u0027re on a \ncable\n modem.\nHat Man: There\u0027s a lot of caching.\n\n[[A close-up of the man, looking down at the tower at his feet.]]\nMan: Should the cord be stretched across the room like this?\nHat Man (off-screen): Of course. It has to reach the server, and the server is over there.\n\n[[The man turns back to the Hat Man, still sitting at the computer.]]\nMan: What if someone trips on it?\nHat Man: Who would want to do that? It sounds unpleasant.\nMan: Uh. Sometimes people do stuff by accident.\nHat Man: I don\u0027t think I know anybody like that.\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s planned downtime every night when we turn on the Roomba and it runs over the cord.}}", "alt": "There\u0027s planned downtime every night when we turn on the Roomba and it runs over the cord.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_cloud.png", "title": "The Cloud", "day": "6" }, { "month": "6", "num": 909, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Worst-Case Shopping", "transcript": "[[A man is diving in very deep, dark blue water. He shines a flashlight at the sea floor.]]\nMan: (thinks) Eight meters. There\u0027s the wreckage... Yes! I see the key!\n\n[[As he swims further toward it, his flashlight starts to cut out.]]\nMan: (thinks) Gotta grab it, surface, get in to the radio shed, and warn the President! Just a few more...\nFlashlight: BZZT FIZZ\n\n((This panel has no border like the others, and is divided in half diagonally by a thought bubble.))\n[[The left half of it is a dark blue thought bubble with the diver inside it. On the right hand side are packaged flashlights hanging on a shelf. The one called Hi-Brite is $24.95 and is labeled \u0027water resistant to 10 meters.\u0027 The one called \u0027FenStar G6\u0027 is $49.95 and says \u0027water resistant to 40 meters.\u0027]]\nMan: (thinks) Oh no.\n\n[[Two men stand in front of a flashlight display in a store. One looks down at the packages with his hand on his chin in thought. The thought bubble from the previous panel leads from his head. The other man stands behind him.]]\nMan #1: ...maybe I should spring for the deeper water resistance.\nMan #2: Why on earth would you care about that?\nMan #1: Look, you never know.\n\n{{Title text: Wait a minute. If I\u0027m escaping from a submarine at 50 meters, then I\u0027ll *definitely* need a flashlight to find air pockets for gradual decompression on the way up. Time to start shopping professional dive lights.}}", "alt": "Wait a minute. If I\u0027m escaping from a submarine at 50 meters, then I\u0027ll *definitely* need a flashlight to find air pockets for gradual decompression on the way up. Time to start shopping professional dive lights.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/worst_case_shopping.png", "title": "Worst-Case Shopping", "day": "8" }, { "month": "6", "num": 910, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Permanence", "transcript": "((A large panel the combined width of the four panels below it.))\n[[A blue Linux terminal installer screen with a grey box that is labeled \"[!]CONFIGURE THE NETWORK\" in red. Below, in black, it reads \"Please enter the hostname for the system.\" Below is an empty blue entry box with a cursor and dashed underscore, and below this it says \"\u003cGO BACK\u003e\".]]\n\n[[A man sits at his computer, a woman stands behind him.]]\nWoman: You\u0027ve been staring at that screen a while.\nMan: Picking a good server name is important.\n\n[[The woman stares at him.]]\n\n[[She continues to stare.]]\n\n[[The man pushes his chair back, puts one elbow on the back of the chair and points with his other hand at the screen.]]\nWoman: And yet you settled on \"Caroline\" for our daughter in like 15 seconds.\nMan: But this is a \nserver!\n -- Besides, I had to- you were trying to name her \"epidural.\" \nWoman: Those \nwere\n good drugs.\n\n{{Title text: This hostname is going in dozens of remote config files. Changing a kid\u0027s name is comparatively easy!}}", "alt": "This hostname is going in dozens of remote config files. Changing a kid\u0027s name is comparatively easy!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/permanence.png", "title": "Permanence", "day": "10" }, { "month": "6", "num": 911, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Magic School Bus", "transcript": "[[A girl sits at a desk in a classroom, and the teacher stands before her. The teacher has a blue dress and blonde hair piled on her head in a bun. The girl raises her hand, the teacher raises both arms above her head, a pointer in one hand.]]\nGirl: Ms. Frizzle, how do batteries work?\nMs. Frizzle: To the bus!\n\n[[Ms. Frizzle and the children are shown getting onto the bus.]]\n\n((This panel is larger than the other three, and is set behind them.))\n[[The bus, with Ms. Frizzle at the helm and a child\u0027s face in every window, soars through a rainbow void filled with a giant amoeba, a rocket, a big gear, a planet with rings, and a Feynman diagram.]]\n\n[[The bus is parked, and the occupants have gotten out. The children stand around Ms. Frizzle, and she stands at a desk with a computer on it, typing.]]\nComputer: WIKIPEDIA -- BATTERIES\n\n{{Title text: At my OLD school, we used Microsoft Encarta 2005.}}", "alt": "At my OLD school, we used Microsoft Encarta 2005.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/magic_school_bus.png", "title": "Magic School Bus", "day": "13" }, { "month": "6", "num": 912, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Manual Override", "transcript": "[[A plane is in a nosedive with smoke pouring from one wing. Text comes from someone reading in the cockpit.]]\n\"This is the emergency override system, which can be used to regain control of the aircraft.\nComplete instructions for activating this system are available as a GNU info page.\"\n\n{{Title text: I think you mean \u0027GNU Info Override\u0027.}}", "alt": "I think you mean \u0027GNU Info Override\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/manual_override.png", "title": "Manual Override", "day": "15" }, { "month": "6", "num": 913, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Core", "transcript": "[[A cutaway diagram of the Earth, with colored layers including a labeled outer core and inner core.]]\n\n[[A closeup of the stylized outer core, labeled \"Turbulent molten metals at 30 million PSI\" with turbulence lines, and of the inner core, labeled \"moon-sized iron sphere.\"]]\n\n[[Person reading a book pulls legs up tight under office chair, peering downwards.]]\n\nI freak out about fifteen minutes into reading anything about the Earth\u0027s core when I suddenly realize it\u0027s RIGHT UNDER ME.\n\n{{Title text: If you\u0027re a geologist or geophysicist and you don\u0027t introduce yourself by saying your name, then gesturing downward and saying \"... and I study that\", I don\u0027t know what you\u0027re doing with your life.}}", "alt": "If you\u0027re a geologist or geophysicist and you don\u0027t introduce yourself by saying your name, then gesturing downward and saying \"... and I study that\", I don\u0027t know what you\u0027re doing with your life.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/core.png", "title": "Core", "day": "17" }, { "month": "6", "num": 914, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ice", "transcript": "[[Beret Guy and a friend are setting up a party, with a snack table and a big banner reading \"PARTY!\"]]\nFriend: Everything\u0027s ready ...\nFriend: Except we\u0027re out of ice.\nBeret Guy: I\u0027ll get some!\n\n[[Beret Guy is walking down the street past a building marked Save Mart, with a bag of ice over his shoulder. Someone standing on the sidewalk calls to him.]]\nPerson: Hey sexy. Where\u0027re you headed with all that ice?\nBeret Guy: A party!\nPerson: There\u0027s a BETTER party up at my place.\nBeret Guy: But I--\nPerson: C\u0027mon, one drink.\n\nThe next morning ...\n[[Beret Guy rubs eyes groggily.]]\nBeret Guy: ... ugh ... where am I?\nBeret Guy: I was supposed to--\nBeret Guy: --where\u0027s all my ice!?\n\n[[Beret Guy looks down to find himself in a bathtub full of kidneys.]]\nBeret Guy: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA\n\n{{Title text: On the plus side, she wrote \u0027Welcome to the AAA Club!\u0027 in lipstick on the bathroom mirror, and left me a membership\nroadside assistance card on the counter.}}", "alt": "On the plus side, she wrote \u0027Welcome to the AAA Club!\u0027 in lipstick on the bathroom mirror, and left me a membership/roadside assistance card on the counter.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ice.png", "title": "Ice", "day": "20" }, { "month": "6", "num": 915, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Connoisseur", "transcript": "[[A man in a white hat is standing with another man. They each hold a wine glass in one hand, in the man in the hat is holding a bottle of wine in the other. He looks at the label.]]\nHat man: How do you stand this cheap wine?\nMan #2: Wine all tastes the same to me.\n\n[[Close-up of Hat Man.]]\nHat man: You\u0027ve just never had \ngood\n wine. If you paid more attention, you\u0027d realize there\u0027s a whole world here.\n\n[[Close-up on the other man, who spreads his arms, sloshing his wine slightly.]]\nMan #2: But that\u0027s true of \nanything!\n Wine, house music, fonts, ants, Wikipedia signatures, Canadian surrealist porn- spend enough time with any of them and you\u0027ll become a snobby connoisseur.]]\n\n((This panel has no border and is next to but aligned further down than the first three panels.))\n[[The full frame of the two characters again. Hat man now has the bottle at his side.]]\nHat man: But some things do have more depth than others.\nMan #2: If you locked people in a box for a year with 500 still frames of Joe Biden eating a sandwich, by the end they\u0027d be adamant that some were great and some were terrible.\nHat man: You\u0027re exaggerating.\nMan #2: Oh yeah?\n\n((This panel is below the others, and is indented about a third of the way to the right. It is wide.))\nA YEAR LATER\n[[A box. Voices emanate from inside.]]\nVoice #1: Sure, most closed-mouth frames are boring, but in #415, the way the man\u0027s jaw frames the mayo on his hand is pure perfection, and--\nVoice #2: What a surprise- \nyou\n praising a mayo frame. Listening to you, I\u0027d think there was nothing else in The Sandwich. -- Frankly, the light hitting J.B.\u0027s collar through the lettuce would put #242 in my top ten even if he had \nno\n may on his hand at \nall\n.\n\n{{Title text: Our brains have just one scale, and we resize our experiences to fit.}}", "alt": "Our brains have just one scale, and we resize our experiences to fit.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/connoisseur.png", "title": "Connoisseur", "day": "22" }, { "month": "6", "num": 916, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Unpickable", "transcript": "HackerShield geek-proof safe system:\n[[Two boxes sit side by side. One is a safe with a lock marked \"Unpickable.\" It is labeled: (1) 24-pin dual-tumbler radial-hybrid lock (rendered unopenable by a fused 17th pin). The other is a shoebox. It is labeled: (2) Shoebox containing your valuables.]]\n\n{{Title text: The safe is empty except for an unsolved 5x5 Rubik\u0027s cube.}}", "alt": "The safe is empty except for an unsolved 5x5 Rubik\u0027s cube.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unpickable.png", "title": "Unpickable", "day": "24" }, { "month": "6", "num": 917, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hofstadter", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a desk, working on a laptop. A woman approaches the desk and picks up a tiny book.]]\nWoman: What\u0027s this? \nMan: Douglas Hofstadter\u0027s six-word autobiography. After all those 700-page tomes, I guess he wanted to try for brevity.\nWoman: Huh. Let\u0027s see...\n\n[[Close up of woman, reading the tiny book.]]\nBook: I\u0027m So Meta, Even This Acronym\n\n[[Full shot of man and woman again. The woman looks down at the tiny book in her hand.]]\nWoman: ...whoa.\nMan: I think he nailed it.\n\n{{Title text: \"This is the reference implementation of the self-referential joke.\"}}", "alt": "\"This is the reference implementation of the self-referential joke.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hofstadter.png", "title": "Hofstadter", "day": "27" }, { "month": "6", "num": 918, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Google+", "transcript": "Girl: You should join Google!+\nBoy: What is it?\nGirl: Not Facebook!\nBoy: What\u0027s it like?\nGirl: Facebook!\n\n[Boy considers.]\n\nBoy: Oh, what the hell.\nBoy: I guess that\u0027s all I really wanted.\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: On one hand, you\u0027ll never be able to convince your parents to switch. On the other hand, you\u0027ll never be able to convince your parents to switch!}}", "alt": "On one hand, you\u0027ll never be able to convince your parents to switch. On the other hand, you\u0027ll never be able to convince your parents to switch!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/googleplus.png", "title": "Google+", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 919, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tween Bromance", "transcript": "{{Title text: Verbiage. Va-jay-jay. Irregardless.}}\n\n\n((All of person 1\u0027s lines are overlaid over the entire comic; the panels listed are merely the ones directly under each sentence fragment.)) \n[[Person one is standing smugly behind person two, who is seated in front of a computer and typing]] \nPerson 1: BY MY GUESSTIMATE,\n\nPerson 1: MY FRENEMY YIFFED SO HARD\n\nPerson 1: HER MOIST TAINT MADE\n[[Person 2\u0027s eye twitches]]\n\nPerson 1: HER PANTIES PREGGERS!\nPerson 2: STOP IT STOP IT!\n[[Person two covers ears]]", "alt": "Verbiage. Va-jay-jay. Irregardless.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tween_bromance.png", "title": "Tween Bromance", "day": "1" }, { "month": "7", "num": 920, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "Oops! It seems I \u003ca href=\"https://blog.xkcd.com/2011/07/04/oops/\"\u003ewasn\u0027t the first one\u003c/a\u003e to do this joke.", "safe_title": "YouTube Parties", "transcript": "[[One person is standing by a laptop, showing a video to a group with drinks.]]\nThe problem with YouTube parties:\nPerson (thinking): This video is blowing their MINDS.\nGroup (thinking): Oh man, I know what video we should watch once this is over.\n\n{{Title text: This reminds me of that video where ... no? How have you not seen that? Oh man, let me find it. No, it\u0027s ok, we can go back to your video later.}}", "alt": "This reminds me of that video where ... no? How have you not seen that? Oh man, let me find it. No, it\u0027s ok, we can go back to your video later.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/youtube_parties.png", "title": "YouTube Parties", "day": "4" }, { "month": "7", "num": 921, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Delivery Notification", "transcript": "[[The first panel is a UPS InfoNotice(r). Most of the text on it is just scribbles, though the company logo and header is clear.]]\n\n[[A person opens their door to see the InfoNotice(r). From off panel, a second person reacts.]]\nPerson: \nWhat!\n I\u0027ve been here all day!\nOff-panel person 2: Huh?\nPerson: They have my laptop.\n\n[[Now both people are visible. The first is making an expansive gesture of annoyance.]]\nPerson 2: So get it tomorrow.\nPerson: I fly out in the morning and they don\u0027t open till noon!\nPerson 2: Sucks.\n\n[[The first person is at a laptop. The second is once again off-panel.]]\nPerson: It\u0027s \nright there\n. I can see the UPS building on the map.\nOff-panel person 2: Ok...\n\n[[Dramatic zoom to the person\u0027s upper torso and face, along with clenched fist.]]\nPerson: My laptop is there. It\u0027s \nmine\n.\nPerson: I\u0027m going to get it.\n\n[[Even more dramatic zoom! The person\u0027s featureless face fills the panel.]]\nOff-panel person 2: They won\u0027t let you.\nPerson: Who are they to keep from me what is mine?\nOff-panel person 2: Dude, they --\n\n[[The person spins, raising a finger, most likely to indicate some sort of quest at hand.]]\nPerson: A quest is at hand!\nOff-panel person 2: Security\u0027s gonna throw you out.\nPerson: I fear neither death nor pain. But I will not go unarmed.\n\n((Three inset panels overlap, in a montage format. The person narrates.))\n[[Elves in long robes stand around a table, on which lies a broken sword.]]\nNarrating person: Light the beacons and send word to the Elves. They must reforge the sword of my fathers.\n\n[[An Elf beats the sword together on an anvil.]]\n\n[[An Elf rides a horse, silhouetted by the full moon.]]\nNarrating person: Ere dawn, I will go forth to the Sorting Depot.\n\n((The montage ends and normal panels resume.))\n[[The Elf knocks at the door, sword in scabbard held under arm.]]\n\u003c\u003cKnock knock knock knock\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The person opens the door, to find a second InfoNotice(r) stuck on top of the first. The Elf is gone.]]\n\n{{Title text: You can arrange a pickup of your sword in Rivendell between the hours of noon and 7:00 PM.}}", "alt": "You can arrange a pickup of your sword in Rivendell between the hours of noon and 7:00 PM.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/delivery_notification.png", "title": "Delivery Notification", "day": "6" }, { "month": "7", "num": 922, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fight Club", "transcript": "Friend: But Fight Club isn\u0027t really about fighting. It\u0027s about the way society--\nPerson: Nope, don\u0027t wanna hear it.\nFriend: But it says consumers are--\nPerson: This conversation is over.\n\nThe first rule of talking to me about movies is do NOT talk about Fight Club.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m not saying it\u0027s all bad, but that movie has not aged as well as my teenage self in 2000 was confident it would.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m not saying it\u0027s all bad, but that movie has not aged as well as my teenage self in 2000 was confident it would.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fight_club.png", "title": "Fight Club", "day": "8" }, { "month": "7", "num": 923, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Strunk and White", "transcript": "{{Title text: The best thing about Strunk\nWhite fanfiction is that it\u0027s virtually guaranteed to be well written.}}\n\n[[3 dignified-looking editors of Strunk \u0026 White\u0027s \"The Elements of Style\" before a desk with a computer. One is seated and types the following:]]\n\nDear Internet,\n\n We, the current editors of Strunk \u0026 White\u0027s \"The Elements of Style\", must -with great reluctance- clarify a point of orthography:\n\n \"Strunk \u0026 White\" should be used for the style manual and \"Strunk\nWhite\" for the erotic fan fiction pairing.", "alt": "The best thing about Strunk/White fanfiction is that it\u0027s virtually guaranteed to be well written.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/strunk_and_white.png", "title": "Strunk and White", "day": "11" }, { "month": "7", "num": 924, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "3D Printer", "transcript": "{{Title text: I just can\u0027t wait for the Better Homes and Gardens list of helpful tips for household reuse of sixteen-inch acrylonitrile-butadiene-styrene phalluses.}}\n\n[[Two people before a 3D printer, one with a wrench]]\nPerson 1: 3D printers are getting incredible.\nPerson 2: I think we\u0027re not far from widespread deployment.\n\nPerson 2: And you know what that means.\n\nPerson 1: Spam containing actual enlarged penises?\nPerson 2: I give it a week.", "alt": "I just can\u0027t wait for the Better Homes and Gardens list of helpful tips for household reuse of sixteen-inch acrylonitrile-butadiene-styrene phalluses.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/3d_printer.png", "title": "3D Printer", "day": "13" }, { "month": "7", "num": 925, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cell Phones", "transcript": "[[A person is holding a cellphone. The black hat guy is sitting at a desk with a laptop.]]\nPerson: Another huge study found no evidence that cell phones cause cancer. What was the W.H.O. thinking?\nBlack Hat Guy: I think they just got it backward.\n\n[[The black hat guy swivels in his chair, holding the laptop by the upper edge of the screen.]]\nPerson: Huh?\nBlack Hat Guy: Well, take a look.\n\n[[There is a plot of total cancer incidence and cell phone users. Cancer rises from 1970 to 1990, then stays relatively steady. Cell phone use rises from 1980 to the present.]]\n\nPerson: You\u0027re not... There are \nso\n many problems with that.\nBlack Hat Guy: Just to be safe, until I see more data I\u0027m going to assume cancer causes cell phones.\n\n{{Title text: He holds the laptop like that on purpose, to make you cringe.}}", "alt": "He holds the laptop like that on purpose, to make you cringe.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cell_phones.png", "title": "Cell Phones", "day": "15" }, { "month": "7", "num": 926, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time Vulture", "transcript": "[[A bird with apparently fractal wings hovers above a dude, standing with a friend.]]\nFriend: Dude, you\u0027ve got a Time Vulture.\nDude: Holy crap! What is it?\n\nFriend: They\u0027re predators that use aging to kill prey.\nDude: Huh? What do you mean?\n\n[[The panel zooms in on the Friend\u0027s face. Dude comments from off-panel.]]\nFriend: They live for millenia and use little energy. They can slow down their internal clocks so time speeds past. To hunt, they lock on to some prey, and when it stops moving, they eat it.\nDude (off-panel): But what if the prey doesn\u0027t die?\n\nFriend: I don\u0027t think you quite understand.\nDude: I mean, \nI\u0027m\n not about to die...\nFriend: From the vulture\u0027s viewpoint, everyone says that moments before they do.\n\n{{Title text: In a way, all vultures are Time Vultures; some just have more patience than others.}}", "alt": "In a way, all vultures are Time Vultures; some just have more patience than others.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time_vulture.png", "title": "Time Vulture", "day": "18" }, { "month": "7", "num": 927, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Standards", "transcript": "HOW STANDARDS PROLIFERATE\n(See: A\nC chargers, character encodings, instant messaging, etc.)\n\nSITUATION:\nThere are 14 competing standards.\n\nGeek: 14?! Ridiculous! We need to develop one universal standard that covers everyone\u0027s use cases.\nFellow Geek: Yeah!\n\nSoon:\nSITUATION:\nThere are 15 competing standards.\n\n{{Title text: Fortunately, the charging one has been solved now that we\u0027ve all standardized on mini-USB. Or is it micro-USB? Shit.}}", "alt": "Fortunately, the charging one has been solved now that we\u0027ve all standardized on mini-USB. Or is it micro-USB? Shit.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/standards.png", "title": "Standards", "day": "20" }, { "month": "7", "num": 928, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mimic Octopus", "transcript": "Southeast Asian Sea Life\nIdentification Chart\n[[There are silhouettes of eight individual fish, a school of fish, a scuba diver, an anemone, a submarine, and an anchor, each labeled \"Mimic Octopus.\" There is also a silhouette of an octopus, labeled \"Two Mimic Octopuses.\"]]\n\n{{Title text: Even if the dictionaries are starting to give in, I refuse to accept \u0027octopi\u0027 as a word mainly because--I\u0027m not making this up--there\u0027s a really satisfying climactic scene in the Orson Scott Card horror novel \u0027Lost Boys\u0027 which hinges on it being an incorrect pluralization.}}", "alt": "Even if the dictionaries are starting to give in, I refuse to accept \u0027octopi\u0027 as a word mainly because--I\u0027m not making this up--there\u0027s a really satisfying climactic scene in the Orson Scott Card horror novel \u0027Lost Boys\u0027 which hinges on it being an incorrect pluralization.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mimic_octopus.png", "title": "Mimic Octopus", "day": "22" }, { "month": "7", "num": 929, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Speculation", "transcript": "[[Two people are playing basketball, and black hat guy is looking at a phone.]]\nPerson #1: Do you seriously think \neveryone\n will move to Plus? It was hard enough getting them on Facebook.\n[[Person #2 attempts to throw the basketball through the hoop, but it bounces off.]]\n\nPerson #2: Do they have to?\nPerson #2: My mom still uses AOL - it doesn\u0027t mean my social life has to happen there.\n[[Person #1 passes the basketball back to #2.]]\n\nPerson #2: Universal adoption isn\u0027t everything. I mean, IRC is still --\n[[Person #2 throws the basketball.]]\n\n[[An arrow pierces the ball.]]\n\u003c\u003cTHUNK\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The black hat guy has a one handed crossbow, and is still looking at a phone.]]\nPerson #2: You\u0027re not really the \"catch\" type, are you?\nBlack Hat Guy: I am not.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027I was pretty good at skeet shooting, but was eventually kicked off the range for catching the clay pigeons in a net and dispatching them execution-style.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027I was pretty good at skeet shooting, but was eventually kicked off the range for catching the clay pigeons in a net and dispatching them execution-style.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/speculation.png", "title": "Speculation", "day": "25" }, { "month": "7", "num": 930, "link": "https://xkcd.com/930/large/", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Days of the Week", "transcript": "((The whole comic is a single panel, with a circular diagram of the days of the week.))\nPolar graph of what stuff happens on which days, based on number of Google results for phrases like \"company meeting on \u003cday\u003e.\"\nThe relative frequency of \u003cday\u003e in \u003cphrase\u003e is shown by the distance from the center at which \u003cphrase\u003e\u0027s line crosses \u003cday\u003e.\nEach curve is normalized to have the same number of total hits - they\u0027re not on the same scale.\n((Not easy to reproduce the actual plot, these are the phrases, in order of popularity on Wednesday.))\n1. \u003cday\u003e is ladies night\n2. announced \u003cday\u003e\n3. company meeting on \u003cday\u003e \n company meeting \u003cday\u003e\n4. due on \u003cday\u003e\n5. got laid \u003cday\u003e\n6. drunk on \u003cday\u003e \n so drunk \u003cday\u003e\n7. \u003cday\u003e is the big day\n8. Church \u003cday\u003e\n9. got my period \u003cday\u003e\n10. we broke up on \u003cday\u003e\n11. \u003cday\u003e sucked\n((Thursday, from most common to least common: 11, 2, 1, 3, 9, 4, 5, 7, 10, 6, 8))\n((Friday, from most common to least common: 10, 4, 6, 7, 5, 9, 11, 3, 2, 1, 8))\n((Saturday, ditto: 6, 7, 5, 11, 9, 10, 8, 3, 2, 1, 4))\n((Sunday, ditto: 8, 9, 7, 11, 10, 5, 6, 2, 3, 4, 1))\n((Monday, ditto: 4, 2, 9, 11, 3, 5, 10, 6, 7, 8, 1))\n((Tuesday, ditto: 3, 2, 4, 5, 1, 7, 9, 10, 11, 8, 6))\n\n{{Title text: Not pictured: the elongated Halley\u0027s-Comet-like orbit of every Rebecca Black lyric.}}", "alt": "Not pictured: the elongated Halley\u0027s-Comet-like orbit of every Rebecca Black lyric.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/days_of_the_week.png", "title": "Days of the Week", "day": "27" }, { "month": "7", "num": 931, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "\u003ca href=\"https://blog.xkcd.com/2011/06/30/family-illness/\"\u003eSome context\u003c/a\u003e.", "safe_title": "Lanes", "transcript": "((The panels are arranged top to bottom. The first is set above a larger image.))\nPerson: So, are you guys out of the woods?\nSecond Person: We don\u0027t know.\nPerson: Well, did the treatment work?\nSecond Person: We don\u0027t know.\n\n[[The diagram shows a simple highway. Starting at the bottom, with diagnosis for five lanes, the road travels through a cloud of treatment, after which two lanes disappear, and three continue. Later on, there\u0027s another offramp labeled \u0027cancer \"comes back\"\u0027, which loops back into the treatment cloud. Otherwise, the highway enters a later cloud called survive.]]\nI always assumed that when you got cancer, they gave you a prognosis, then treated you, and at the end of treatment either you beat it or you died.\nAnd I knew sometimes it \"recurred,\" which I assumed meant back to square one.\nBut that\u0027s turned out not to be quite right.\n\n[[Back to the two people.]]\nSecond Person: Once most cancers spread out into your body, they\u0027re incurable.\nSecond Person: If your 10-year prognosis is 60%, that means a 40% chance that some cancer will slip past the treatment and get out.\n\nSecond Person: So they kill all the cancer they can find, and then you\u0027re a \"survivor.\" But your odds are still 60%.\n\n[[The frame zooms just to show the second person.]]\nSecond Person: They can\u0027t scan for individual cancer cells. The only way to know if it worked is to wait for tumors to pop up elsewhere.\nSecond Person: If you go enough years without that happening then you were in the 60%.\n\n[[The frame shows both people again.]]\nSecond Person: And often the first sign is a cough or bone pain.\nSecond Person: So you spend the next five or ten years trying not to worry that every ache and pain is the answer to the question \"Do I make it?\"\n\n((There\u0027s an extra large panel, with a small one floating inside it.))\n[[The panel shows roughly fifty lanes emerging from the cloud of \u0027Treatment\u0027. Signs show 1 year, 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years, 6 years. Lanes branch off and fade into darkness earlier on the right, with some lanes continuing off the top of the panel.]]\n\n((Inset panel.))\nPerson: Man.\nPerson: Fuck cancer.\nSecond Person: \nSeriously.\n\n\n{{Title text: Each quarter of the lanes from left to right correspond loosely to breast cancer stages one through four (at diagnosis).}}", "alt": "Each quarter of the lanes from left to right correspond loosely to breast cancer stages one through four (at diagnosis).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lanes.png", "title": "Lanes", "day": "29" }, { "month": "8", "num": 932, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "CIA", "transcript": "[[A television is showing a news anchor. The inset picture of the news shows Anonymous wearing a monocle and top hat.]]\nAnchor: Hackers briefly took down the website of the CIA yesterday...\n\n[[A person is watching television.]]\nWhat people hear:\nAnchor: Someone hacked into the computers of the \nCIA!!\n\n\n[[A computer expert is watching television.]]\nWhat computer experts hear:\nAnchor: Someone tore down a poster hung up by the \nCIA!!\n\n\n{{Title text: It was their main recruiting poster, hung up nearly ten feet up a wall! This means the hackers have LADDER technology! Are we headed for a future where everyone has to pay $50 for one of those locked plexiglass poster covers? More after the break ...}}", "alt": "It was their main recruiting poster, hung nearly ten feet up a wall! This means the hackers have LADDER technology! Are we headed for a future where everyone has to pay $50 for one of those locked plexiglass poster covers? More after the break ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cia.png", "title": "CIA", "day": "1" }, { "month": "8", "num": 933, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tattoo", "transcript": "[[There is one human in the panel. The human points at their chest.]]\nHuman: I just have one tattoo - it\u0027s six dots on my chest, done by my oncologist.\n\nHuman: I need them for aligning the laser sights on a flesh-searing relativistic particle cannon,\n\nHuman: So it will only kill the parts of me\n\n[[Dramatic zoom, the panel background is black, with white text.]]\nHuman: That are holding me back.\n\n[[The panel is larger, revealing who they\u0027re talking to.]]\nHuman: But your barbed wire bicep tattoo is pretty hardcore, too!\nDejected: No, it\u0027s OK. I\u0027ll just go put a shirt on.\n\n{{Title text: I calculate that the electrons in radiation therapy hit you at 99.8% of the speed of light, and the beam used in a 90-second gamma ray therapy session could, if fired with less precision, kill a horse (they did not let me test this).}}", "alt": "I calculate that the electrons in radiation therapy hit you at 99.8% of the speed of light, and the beam used in a 90-second gamma ray therapy session could, if fired with less precision, kill a horse (they did not let me test this).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tattoo.png", "title": "Tattoo", "day": "3" }, { "month": "8", "num": 934, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mac/PC", "transcript": "[[Two adult humans stand facing out of the screen.]]\nMac: I\u0027m a Mac\nPC: And I\u0027m a PC.\nMac \u0026 PC, together: And since you do everything through a browser now, we\u0027re pretty indistinguishable.\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s fun to watch browsers fumblingly recapitulate the history of window management. Someday we\u0027ll have xmonad as a Firefox extension.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s fun to watch browsers fumblingly recapitulate the history of window management. Someday we\u0027ll have xmonad as a Firefox extension.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mac_pc.png", "title": "Mac/PC", "day": "5" }, { "month": "8", "num": 935, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Missed Connections", "transcript": "((The page is set up like the missed connections area of Craigslist, with a list of messages from an individual to a person they weren\u0027t able to communicate with at the time.))\nPersonals \u003e Missed Connections\n\nYou: Clinging to hood of your stolen wienermobile, trying to reach into engine to unstick throttle\nMe: Screaming, diving out of the way\n\nYou: Vaguely human silhouette\nMe: At bottom of wishing well with harpoon gun\n\nYou: Confused UDP packet\nMe: Cisco router in 45.170\n16 block\n\nYou: Baddest fuckin\u0027 Juggalo at Violent J\u0027s party\nMe: Nancy Pelosi (D-Ca)\n\nYou: Getting married to me\nMe: Also getting married, but distracted by my phone\n\nYou: Cute boy on corner of 4th \u0026 Main, 5\u002711, 169lbs, social security number 078-05-1120, pockets contained $2.09 in change, keys, and a condom. Retinal scan attached\nMe: Driving street view van\n\nYou: George Herman \"Babe\" Ruth\nMe: Fellow Time Lord. Saw your tardis on third moon of \u003c\u003cSentence cuts off, partially obscured by bottom of panel\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: The Street View van isn\u0027t going to find out anything Google won\u0027t already know from reading my email.}}", "alt": "The Street View van isn\u0027t going to find out anything Google won\u0027t already know from reading my email.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/missed_connections.png", "title": "Missed Connections", "day": "8" }, { "month": "8", "num": 936, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Password Strength", "transcript": "((The comic illustrates the relative strength of passwords assuming basic knowledge of the system used to generate them. A set of boxes is used to indicate how many bits of entropy a section of the password provides. The comic is laid out with 6 panels arranged in a 3x2 grid. On each row, the first panel explains the breakdown of a password, the second panel shows how long it would take for a computer to guess, and the third panel provides an example scene showing someone trying to remember the password.))\n\n[[The password \"Tr0ub4dor\u00263\" is shown in the centre of the panel. A line from each annotation indicates the word section the comment applies to.]]\nUncommon (non-gibberish) base word [[Highlighting the base word - 16 bits of entropy.]]\nCaps? [[Highlighting the first letter - 1 bit of entropy.]]\nCommon Substitutions [[Highlighting the letters \u0027a\u0027 (substituted by \u00274\u0027) and both \u0027o\u0027s (the first of which is substituted by \u00270\u0027) - 3 bits of entropy.]]\nPunctuation [[Highlighting the symbol appended to the word - 4 bits of entropy.]]\nNumeral [[Highlighting the number appended to the word - 3 bits of entropy.]]\nOrder unknown [[Highlighting the appended characters - 1 bit of entropy.]]\n(You can add a few more bits to account for the fact that this is only one of a few common formats.)\n\n~28 bits of entropy\n2^28 = 3 days at 1000 guesses\nsec\n(Plausible attack on a weak remote web service. Yes, cracking a stolen hash is faster, but it\u0027s not what the average user should worry about.)\nDifficulty to guess: Easy.\n\n[[A person stands scratching their head trying to remember the password.]]\nPerson: Was it trombone? No, Troubador. And one of the Os was a zero?\nPerson: And there was some symbol...\nDifficulty to remember: Hard.\n\n[[The passphrase \"correct horse battery staple\" is shown in the centre of the panel.]]\nFour random common words {{Each word has 11 bits of entropy.}}\n\n~44 bits of entropy.\n2^44 = 550 years at 1000 guesses\nsec\nDifficulty to guess: Hard.\n\n[[A person is thinking, in their thought bubble a horse is standing to one side talking to an off-screen observer. An arrow points to a staple attached to the side of a battery.]]\nHorse: That\u0027s a battery staple.\nObserver: Correct!\nDifficulty to remember: You\u0027ve already memorized it\n\n((The caption below the comic reads: Through 20 years of effort, we\u0027ve successfully trained everyone to use passwords that are hard for humans to remember, but easy for computers to guess.))\n\n{{Title text: To anyone who understands information theory and security and is in an infuriating argument with someone who does not (possibly involving mixed case), I sincerely apologize.}}", "alt": "To anyone who understands information theory and security and is in an infuriating argument with someone who does not (possibly involving mixed case), I sincerely apologize.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/password_strength.png", "title": "Password Strength", "day": "10" }, { "month": "8", "num": 937, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "TornadoGuard", "transcript": "((The comic is a single panel which resembles a reviews page for a mobile phone application))\n\nApplication name: Tornado Guard\nAuthor: DroidCoder2187\nDescription: Plays a loud alert sound when there is a tornado warning for your area.\nRating: 4 out of 5 stars. (Based on 4 reviews)\nUser Reviews:\nReviewer 1: \u003c\u003cRated 5 stars\u003e\u003e Good UI! Many alert choices.\nReviewer 2: \u003c\u003cRated 5 stars\u003e\u003e Running great, no crashes\nReviewer 3: \u003c\u003cRated 5 stars\u003e\u003e I like how you can set multiple locations\nReviewer 4: \u003c\u003cRated 1 star\u003e\u003e App did not warn me about tornado.\n\n[[The caption below the comic reads: The problem with averaging star ratings]]\n\n{{Title text: The bug report was marked \u0027could not reproduce\u0027.}}", "alt": "The bug report was marked \u0027could not reproduce\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tornadoguard.png", "title": "TornadoGuard", "day": "12" }, { "month": "8", "num": 938, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "T-Cells", "transcript": "[[Two people are standing facing each other, having a conversation. One is holding a laptop.]]\nPerson #1 (with laptop): What\u0027s the deal with this leukemia trial? {{Citation: Nejm, Aug 10, 2011}}\nPerson #2: Gotta wait and see.\nPerson #2: Helping the immune system attack tumors has been a longtime research target.\nPerson #2: Lots of promising leads. Often they don\u0027t pan out.\n\nPerson #1: What\u0027d these guys do?\nPerson #2: They took some of the patient\u0027s T-cells and patched their genes so they\u0027d attack the cancer. That hasn\u0027t been enough in the past but their patch also added code to get the T-cells to replicate wildly and persist in the body.\n\nPerson #1: Which worked, but created its own set of problems?\nPerson #2: How\u0027d you guess? But I think the craziest part is the way they insert the patched genes.\nPerson #1: How?\nPerson #2: Well, think - What specializes in invading and modifying T-cells?\nPerson #1: Seriously?\nPerson #2: Yup. Must\u0027ve been a fun conversation.\n\n[[The last panel is set in a doctors office. A patient is sitting on the observation bed talking to their doctor.]]\nPatient: Ok, so I have blood cells growing out of control, so you\u0027re going to give me different blood cells that *also* grow out of control?\nDoctor: Yes, but it\u0027s ok, because we\u0027ve treated *this* blood with HIV!\nPatient: Are you sure you\u0027re a doctor?\nDoctor: Almost definitely.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027We\u0027re not sure how to wipe out the chimeral T-cells after they\u0027ve destroyed the cancer. Though I do have this vial of smallpox ...\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027We\u0027re not sure how to wipe out the chimeral T-cells after they\u0027ve destroyed the cancer. Though I do have this vial of smallpox ...\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/t_cells.png", "title": "T-Cells", "day": "15" }, { "month": "8", "num": 939, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Arrow", "transcript": "[[An archer stands with a bow and arrow drawn tightly, aiming off-screen.]]\n\n[[They fire the arrow, it disappears offscreen. The bowstring vibrates for effect.]]\n\n[[They stand holding the bow by their side, watching the arrow fly away.]]\n\n[[A boomerang flies on-screen, coming from the direction the arrow was fired. The archer reaches up to catch the boomerang.]]\n\n[[The archer is now holding the boomerang, staring at it with confusion.]]\n\n{{Title text: \u0027The Return of the Boomerang\u0027 would make a great movie title.}}", "alt": "\u0027The Return of the Boomerang\u0027 would make a great movie title.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/arrow.png", "title": "Arrow", "day": "17" }, { "month": "8", "num": 940, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Oversight", "transcript": "[[A couple has sex up against a wall.]]\n\n[[A couple has sex standing in an armchair.]]\n\n[[A couple has sex in a swing, swaying above a table with a flower vase on it.]]\n\n[[Screenshot of Fitocracy. In the text field marked \"log your workout for today,\" the user has filled in \"sex,\" and the site has returned the message \"activity not found.\"]]\n\n[[The couple is standing in front of the computer; one person is at the keyboard, the other standing back wearing a towel.]]\nAt Keyboard: Come on! That was like two hours of cardio!\nIn Towel: Hmm, let\u0027s see ... the part on the dresser was KIND of like skiiing ...\n\n{{Title text: I felt so clever when I found a way to game the Fitocracy system by incorporating a set of easy but high-scoring activities into my regular schedule. Took me a bit to realize I\u0027d been tricked into setting up a daily exercise routine.}}", "alt": "I felt so clever when I found a way to game the Fitocracy system by incorporating a set of easy but high-scoring activities into my regular schedule. Took me a bit to realize I\u0027d been tricked into setting up a daily exercise routine.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/oversight.png", "title": "Oversight", "day": "19" }, { "month": "8", "num": 941, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Depth Perception", "transcript": "((The comic is narrated by an unspecified person. All dialog is shown in boxes overlaid on the comic panels.))\n\n[[The panel background looks like a cloudy sky, with the clouds all running together and appearing as a blue\ngrey smear.]]\nI\u0027ve always had trouble with the size of clouds.\nI \nknow\n they\u0027re huge. I can see their shapes.\nBut I don\u0027t really see them as objects on the same scale as trees and buildings.\nThey\u0027re a backdrop.\n\n[[A person stands on a flat disk inside a hemispherical dome with the front half cut away. The dome is labelled \"Sky\", and the disk is labelled \"Ground\". The dome is about twice as tall as the person.]]\nStars are the same way.\n\nI know they\u0027re scattered through and endless ocean, but my gut insists they\u0027re a painting on a domed ceiling.\n\n((The next two lines of dialog are stretched over the following three panels.))\n[[A person stands on a curved surface, looking up.]]\nIf I try hard enough, I get a glimmer of depth, a dizzying sense of space,\n\n[[The perspective of the scene shifts, suddenly the surface the person was standing on is in the top left of the panel. The person is now looking down, leaning back, and waving their arms trying to regain balance.]]\nBut then everything snaps back.\n\n[[The perspective of the scene returns to normal, the person is now semi-crouched, staring at the ground with legs spaced apart to help them balance.]]\n\n[[An american football field is shown, with sections at the tips of the goal posts highlighted and shown as a zoomed view in an insert box. The goal posts each have a webcam mounted on top of them.]]\nSo one summer afternoon\nI set up two HD webcams hundreds of feet apart,\nPointed them at the sky,\n\n((The next two lines of dialog are stretched over two panels each.))\n[[The first panel shows a pair of glasses with the note \"Very strong reading glasses.\" and a smartphone with an attachment designed to clip onto the glasses. The smartphone screen is setup to display two images side by side such that one camera is visible in the left half of the screen, and the other camera is visible in the right half of the screen.]]\nAnd fed one stream to each of my eyes.\n\n[[The next panel shows the completed phone\nglasses assembly.]]\nThe parallax expanded my depth perception by a thousand times,\n\n[[The person stands wearing the phone\nglasses assembly, staring into the sky.]]\nAnd I stood in my living room\nAt the bottom of an abyss\n\n[[The person now stands on the shore of an unidentified coastline (possibly Boston?), a city is near their right foot and the tallest skyscraper appears ankle high. A mountain range is behind them that is also barely ankle high. The person is standing with their head well above cloud level as clouds swim around them.]]\nWatching mountains drift by.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027ve looked at clouds from both sides now.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ve looked at clouds from both sides now.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/depth_perception.png", "title": "Depth Perception", "day": "22" }, { "month": "8", "num": 942, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Juggling", "transcript": "[[The panel shows a close up of a person reading a book. The book is called \"How To Juggle\" and has a picture of a person juggling on the cover.]]\n\n[[The view now shows the entirety of the person. A book is splayed on the floor behind them, and they are holding some juggling balls.]]\n\n[[The person throws the juggling balls in the air.]]\n\n[[They lower their arms to prepare to catch the balls. The balls are still hovering in mid-air.]]\n\n[[The person now stands with their arms by their sides. The balls have not moved and are still suspended in mid-air.]]\n\n[[The person jumps, trying to grab the lowest ball. They can\u0027t reach.]]\n\n[[The person scratches their head and stares at the still floating juggling balls.]]\n\n[[They throw the book into a trash can.]]\n\n{{Title text: Later: \u0027Why is there a book hovering over the trash can?\u0027}}", "alt": "Later: \u0027Why is there a book hovering over the trash can?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/juggling.png", "title": "Juggling", "day": "24" }, { "month": "8", "num": 943, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Empirical", "transcript": "[[Two people are standing together, one with long hair (presumably female) and one without visible hair (presumably male).]]\nWoman: Will you marry me?\n\n[[The male person throws his hands in the air excitedly.]]\nMan: Let\u0027s find out!\n\n[[The couple are now standing in front of an altar. A flower arch stretches over the couple and a person is standing behind the altar. The female person is wearing a knee length white dress and a veil. The male person is wearing a bow tie. They are holding hands.]]\n\n[[The couple stand together, still dressed from the wedding and still holding hands.]]\nMan: Apparently, yes!\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m as surprised as you!}}", "alt": "I\u0027m as surprised as you!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/empirical.png", "title": "Empirical", "day": "26" }, { "month": "8", "num": 944, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hurricane Names", "transcript": "[[A weather reporter sits behind a desk with an image of the Gulf of Mexico and surrounding land masses displayed to his left. 9 hurricane symbols are scattered across the map, primarily over Cuba.]]\nReporter: After the latest wave of hurricanes, not only have we run through the years lit of 21 names, but we\u0027ve also used up the backup list of Greek letters. All subsequent storms will be named using random dictionary words.\nReporter: The newly-formed system in the gulf has been designated \"Hurricane Eggbeater\", and we once again pray this is the final storm of this horrible, horrible season.\n\n{{Title text: After exhausting the OED, we started numbering them. When overlapping hurricanes formed at all points on the Earth\u0027s surface, and our scheme was foiled by Cantor diagonalization, we just decided to name them all \"Steve\". Your local forecast tomorrow is \"Steve\". Good luck.}}", "alt": "After exhausting the OED, we started numbering them. When overlapping hurricanes formed at all points on the Earth\u0027s surface, and our scheme was foiled by Cantor diagonalization, we just decided to name them all \"Steve\". Your local forecast tomorrow is \"Steve\". Good luck.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hurricane_names.png", "title": "Hurricane Names", "day": "29" }, { "month": "8", "num": 945, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "I\u0027m Sorry", "transcript": "[[Two people are standing next to each other having a conversation.]]\nPerson 1: My Mom\u0027s house burned down.\nPerson 2: Oh! I\u0027m sorry!\nPerson 1: Why? It\u0027s not \nyour\n fault.\nPerson 2: It\u0027s nice of you to say that, but I know what I did.\n\nIt annoys me when people interpret an obviously sympathetic \"I\u0027m sorry\" as an apology, so I\u0027ve started responding by making it one.\n\n{{Title text: You know I\u0027ve always hated her.}}", "alt": "You know I\u0027ve always hated her.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/im_sorry.png", "title": "I\u0027m Sorry", "day": "31" }, { "month": "9", "num": 946, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Family Decals", "transcript": "[[Two cars are parked next to each other. The car on the left is an urban SUV and has stickers on the rear window representing a family. From left to right there is an adult male, adult female, female youth, male youth, and young child. The car on the right is a sporty hatch back, it has similar stickers on the rear window, with an adult male and adult female. Instead of the youth and child stickers there is instead a large pile of money.]]\n\n{{Title text: My decal set has no adults, just a sea of hundreds of the little girl figures closing in around a single cat.}}", "alt": "My decal set has no adults, just a sea of hundreds of the little girl figures closing in around a single cat.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/family_decals.png", "title": "Family Decals", "day": "2" }, { "month": "9", "num": 947, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Investing", "transcript": "Person 1: Sure, 2% interest may not *seem* like a lot. But it\u0027s *compound*!\n\n[[Person 2 opens a computer and begins calculating]]\nPerson 1: If you invest $1,000 now, in just ten short years you\u0027ll have.. ..let\u0027s see..\n\nPerson 1: ..$1,279.\n\nPerson 1: Ok, so compound interest isn\u0027t some magical force.\nPerson 2: Yeah, I\u0027m just gonna try to make more money.\n\n{{Title text: But Einstein said it was the most powerful force in the universe, and I take all my investment advice from flippant remarks by theoretical physicists making small talk at parties.}}\n", "alt": "But Einstein said it was the most powerful force in the universe, and I take all my investment advice from flippant remarks by theoretical physicists making small talk at parties.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/investing.png", "title": "Investing", "day": "5" }, { "month": "9", "num": 948, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "AI", "transcript": "[[A person with shoulder length hair sits on a wheeled computer chair at a desk. A laptop computer is on the desk playing some sort of media with audio. The person is facing away from the computer addressing someone off panel.]]\nPerson: Did you see the Cleverbot-Cleverbot chat?\nComputer: I am not a robot. I\u0027m a unicorn.\n\n[[The first person has wheeled away from the desk and is now seating in front of the second person.]]\nPerson 2: Yeah. It\u0027s hilarious, but it\u0027s just clumsily sampling a huge database of lines people have typed. Chatterbots still have a long way to go.\n\n[[The panel shows a close-up of the first persons head and shoulders. They have a hand to their chin and appear to be contemplating the last remark.]]\nPerson 1: So... Computers have mastered playing chess and driving cars across the desert, but can\u0027t hold five minutes of normal conversation?\nPerson 2 (off-screen): Pretty much.\n\n[[The panel shows a wide view of both people again.]]\nPerson 1: Is it just me, or have we created a Burning Man attendee?\n\n{{Title text: And they both react poorly to showers.}}", "alt": "And they both react poorly to showers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ai.png", "title": "AI", "day": "7" }, { "month": "9", "num": 949, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "File Transfer", "transcript": "[[A person stands near a computer, talking on the phone to another person.]]\n\nPerson 1: You want your cousin to send you a file? easy. He can email it to- ... Oh, it\u0027s 25 MB? Hmm...\nPerson 1: Do either of you have an FTP server? No, right.\nPerson 1: If you had web hosting, you could upload it...\nPerson 1: Hm. We could try one of those MegaShareUpload stes, but they\u0027re flaky and full of delays and porn popups.\nPerson 1: How about AIM Direct Connect? Anyone still use that?\nPerson 1: Oh, wait, Dropbox! It\u0027s tis recent startup from a few years back that syncs folders between computers. You just need to make an account, install the-\nPerson 1: Oh, he just drove over to your house with a USB drive?\nPerson 1: Uh, cool, that works too.\nI like how we\u0027ve had the internet for decades, yet \"sending files\" is something early adopters are still figuring out how to do.\n\n{{Title text: Every time you email a file to yourself so you can pull it up on your friend\u0027s laptop, Tim Berners-Lee sheds a single tear.}}", "alt": "Every time you email a file to yourself so you can pull it up on your friend\u0027s laptop, Tim Berners-Lee sheds a single tear.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/file_transfer.png", "title": "File Transfer", "day": "9" }, { "month": "9", "num": 950, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mystery Solved", "transcript": "[[A twin prop airplane flies high overhead.]]\nOff-screen person: What\u0027s that airplane?\n\n[[The plane lands, a pilot steps out and waves to the crowd.]]\nOff-screen person: Holy crap - Is that Amelia Earhart?\n\n[[The frame shows a close up of Amelia Earhart.]]\nAmelia: Hey everyone! My flight was a success!\nOff-screen person: But... Where were you?\n\n[[The frame shows a wide view of Amelia again, she stops waving.]]\nAmelia: I flew around the world!\nOff-screen person: But you disappeared in 1937!\n\nAmelia: Right, to fly around the world.\nOff-screen person: It\u0027s 2011!\nAmelia: The world is big. It\u0027s a long flight.\n\nOff-Screen person: But you...\nOff-Screen person: It\u0027s not...\nOff-Screen person: I-\nAmelia: Can I talk to someone smarter?\n\n{{Title text: The Roanoke Lost Colonists founded Roanoke, the Franklin Expedition reached the Pacific in 2009 when the Northwest Passage opened, and Jimmy Hoffa currently heads the Teamsters Union--he just started going by \u0027James\u0027.}}", "alt": "The Roanoke Lost Colonists founded Roanoke, the Franklin Expedition reached the Pacific in 2009 when the Northwest Passage opened, and Jimmy Hoffa currently heads the Teamsters Union--he just started going by \u0027James\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mystery_solved.png", "title": "Mystery Solved", "day": "12" }, { "month": "9", "num": 951, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Working", "transcript": "[[A person is standing next to a petrol bowser filling their vehicle with petrol. They are being addressed by a different person, who is pointing off-screen.]]\nPerson 2 (talking to 1): Why are you going here? Gas is ten cents a gallon cheaper at the station five minutes that way.\nPerson 1 (pumping gas): Because a penny saved is a penny earned\n\n((The caption below the panel reads: \"If you spend nine minutes of your time to save a dollar, you\u0027re working for less than minimum wage.\"))\n\n{{Title text: And if you drive a typical car more than a mile out of your way for each penny you save on the per-gallon price, it doesn\u0027t matter how worthless your time is to you--the gas to get you there and back costs more than you save.}}", "alt": "And if you drive a typical car more than a mile out of your way for each penny you save on the per-gallon price, it doesn\u0027t matter how worthless your time is to you--the gas to get you there and back costs more than you save.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/working.png", "title": "Working", "day": "14" }, { "month": "9", "num": 952, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stud Finder", "transcript": "[[The Hat man sit on a couch, reading a book. A person is approaching him from behind the couch holding a picture in a frame, a screwdriver, and some screws.]]\nPerson: Have you seen my stud finder? I\u0027ve looked everywhere.\nHat man: It sounds like you may be interested in my new product, a--\nPerson: Shut up.\n\n{{Title text: According to every stud finder I\u0027ve tried to use, my walls contain a rapidly shifting network of hundreds and hundreds of studs.}}", "alt": "According to every stud finder I\u0027ve tried to use, my walls contain a rapidly shifting network of hundreds and hundreds of studs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stud_finder.png", "title": "Stud Finder", "day": "16" }, { "month": "9", "num": 953, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "1 to 10", "transcript": "[[Two people are talking.]]\nPerson 1: On a scale of 1 to 10, how likely is it that this question is using Binary?\nPerson 2: ...4?\nPerson 1: What\u0027s a 4?\n\n{{Title text: If you get an 11\n100 on a CS test, but you claim it should be counted as a \u0027C\u0027, they\u0027ll probably decide you deserve the upgrade.}}", "alt": "If you get an 11/100 on a CS test, but you claim it should be counted as a \u0027C\u0027, they\u0027ll probably decide you deserve the upgrade.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1_to_10.png", "title": "1 to 10", "day": "19" }, { "month": "9", "num": 954, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Chin-Up Bar", "transcript": "[[Hat man is standing on an escalator as it ascends. He is carrying a pole with what looks like a bracket on each end, resting on his shoulder. In front of him is a punk with spiked hair and a girl with her hair in a ponytail. Behind him is a featureless person and a man wearing glasses with a goatee standing next to someone with short hair.]]\n\n[[The view closes on hat man and the person behind him. In the background a girl can be seen standing on the descending escalator.]]\nPerson: This is a long escalator.\nHat man: 70 meters. Longest in the country.\n\n[[The view opens a bit wider. In the background the girl from the last panel has now passed the group and a few other people can be seen descending.]]\n\nPerson: Why\u0027re you carrying a chin-up bar?\nHat man: Why aren\u0027t you wearing a hat?\n\n[[The view opens up to show the same people in the first panel. They\u0027re near the top of the escalator now and the girl with the ponytail is beginning to step off.]]\nPerson: Seriously, why did you bring it?\nHat man: How should I know? I\u0027m not a psychologist.\n\n[[As hat man steps off the escalator he turns and installs the chin-up bar such that it blocks people from leaving the escalator. The person talking to him turns to observe what hat man is doing.]]\n\u003c\u003cTwist\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick click\u003e\u003e\n\n[[They get onto the descending escalator. The man with glasses and a goatee and his companion are blocked from leaving the escalator by the chin-up bar.]]\n\n((The next panel is the size of 6 regular panels combined.))\n[[The view shows an extended section of the escalator, the top right has become a pile of people all squished together and on top of each other. One person has grabbed another by the hair and is standing on a third person in an attempt to not fall. Someone is falling off the pile and another person is running down the escalator to avoid them. People closer to the bottom of the escalator are looking horrified at the scene ahead of them. In the background hat man and his companion are visible. Hat man is looking toward the bottom of the escalator, not caring or noticing the chaos unfolding. His companion looks back pensively.]]\n\n{{Title text: Those few who escaped found the emergency cutoff box disabled. The stampede lasted two hours and reached the bottom three times.}}", "alt": "Those few who escaped found the emergency cutoff box disabled. The stampede lasted two hours and reached the bottom three times.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chin_up_bar.png", "title": "Chin-Up Bar", "day": "21" }, { "month": "9", "num": 955, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Neutrinos", "transcript": "[[Two people are talking.]]\nPerson 1: Did you see the neutrino speed of light thing?\nPerson 2: Yup! Good news; I need the cash.\nPerson 1: Huh? Cash?\n\n((Text above half-sized panel.))\nYeah. When there\u0027s a news story about a study overturning all of physics, i used to urge caution, remind people that experts aren\u0027t all stupid, and end up in pointless arguments about Galileo.\n\n((Half-height panel.))\n[[Man sitting on chair, looking down at laptop in his lap. Books and things are on a desk in front of him.]]\nMan: No, this isn\u0027t \nabout\n whether relativity exists. If it didn\u0027t, your GPS wouldn\u0027t work. -- What do you mean, \"science thought police\"? Have you seen our budget? We couldn\u0027t \nbegin\n to afford our own thought police.\n\n[[Two talking people again.]]\nPerson 1: That sounds miserable and unfulfilling.\nPerson 2: Yup. So I gave up, and now I just find excited believers and bet them $200 each that the new result won\u0027t pan out.\n\n[[Same as last panel.]]\nPerson 1: That\u0027s mean.\nPerson 2: It provides a good income, and if I\u0027m ever wrong, I\u0027ll be too excited about the new physics to notice the loss.\n\n{{Title text: I can\u0027t speak to the paper\u0027s scientific merits, but it\u0027s really cool how on page 10 you can see that their reference GPS beacon is sensitive enough to pick up continental drift under the detector (interrupted halfway through by an earthquake).}}", "alt": "I can\u0027t speak to the paper\u0027s scientific merits, but it\u0027s really cool how on page 10 you can see that their reference GPS beacon is sensitive enough to pick up continential drift under the detector (interrupted halfway through by an earthquake).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/neutrinos.png", "title": "Neutrinos", "day": "23" }, { "month": "9", "num": 956, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sharing", "transcript": "[[Two people hang out in front of a tree]]\nPerson 1: Whoa. What\u0027s this?\nPerson 2: What\u0027s what?\nPerson 1: This tree has a USB port.\n\nPerson 2: Try connecting to it, I guess\n[[Person 1 brings out a laptop and connects to it]]\nPerson 1: It\u0027s offering up a drive with one file on it.\n\nPerson 2: What\u0027s the file?\nPerson 1: An eBook. \"Shel_Silverstein_-_The_Giving_Tree.azw\"\nPerson 2: Never heard of it. Let\u0027s take a look!\n\nLaptop: DRM Error: You have not purchased rights to view this title. Lending is not enabled.\n\nPerson 2: Huh. Oh well.\nPerson 1: Let\u0027s go see what Mike is up to.\n\n[[The tree is alone]]\n\n{{Title text: In the new edition of The Giving Tree, the tree uses social tools to share with its friend all the best places to buy things.}}\n", "alt": "In the new edition of The Giving Tree, the tree uses social tools to share with its friend all the best places to buy things.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sharing.png", "title": "Sharing", "day": "26" }, { "month": "9", "num": 957, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Development", "transcript": "[[News anchor at desk reporting]]\nReporter: Fear turned to confusion today as Hurricane Rina developed to Piaget stage 5, with sustained interests in objects and their properties.\n\n{{Title text: Funding was quickly restored to the NHC and the APA was taken back off hurricane forecast duty.}}", "alt": "Funding was quickly restored to the NHC and the APA was taken back off hurricane forecast duty.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/development.png", "title": "Development", "day": "28" }, { "month": "9", "num": 958, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hotels", "transcript": "[[Person 1 is sitting at a desk with a laptop, looking at a review website]]\nPerson 1: What\u0027s with this negative review? You *liked* that hotel.\nBlack Hat Man: I have a script that posts a bad review for every hotel I stay at. It reduces demand, which means more vacancies and lower prices next time.\n\nPerson 1: What if the place sucks?\nBlack Hat Man: I change the review to positive to steer other people over there.\n\nPerson 1: You punish companies you like!\nBlack Hat Man: The odds of *my* review putting a hotel out of business are negligible.\nPerson 1: If we all did that the system would collapse!\nBlack Hat Man: Doesn\u0027t affect my logic. Tragedy of the commons.\n\nPerson 1: That\u0027s not even the tragedy of the commons anymore. That\u0027s the tragedy of you\u0027re a dick.\nBlack Hat Man: If you\u0027re quick with a knife, you\u0027ll find that the invisible hand is made of delicious invisible meat.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Rating: 1\n5. Room filled to brim with semen, and when front desk clerk opened mouth to talk, bedbugs poured out.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Rating: 1/5. Room filled to brim with semen, and when front desk clerk opened mouth to talk, bedbugs poured out.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hotels.png", "title": "Hotels", "day": "30" }, { "month": "10", "num": 959, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Caroling", "transcript": "[[Three people stand together singing Christmas carols.]]\nCarolers (in unison): Good king Wenceslas looked out on the--\n\n[[Hat man leans out of an above ground window.]]\nHat man: King Wenceslas massacred my people.\n\n[[The carolers stand in silence.]]\n\n{{Title text: For a thousand generations we vowed never to forget how his soldiers feasted on our brother Stephen.}}", "alt": "For a thousand generations we vowed never to forget how his soldiers feasted on our brother Stephen.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/caroling.png", "title": "Caroling", "day": "3" }, { "month": "10", "num": 960, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Subliminal", "transcript": "[[Two people are gathered around a computer. A person is seated interacting with the computer while another stands behind them with an arm resting on the back of the chair.]]\nPerson 1 (seated): What hidden arrow?\nPerson 2 (standing): I thought everyone knew about it. Pull up the FedEx logo.\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The second person is now pointing at the screen.]]\nPerson 1: Where is it?\nPerson 2: Right there. Look at the whitespace.\nPerson 1: I don\u0027t see it.\n\n[[The next panel shows a stylised view of the FedEx logo. The white space above the \u0027ed\u0027 in Fed is decorated to look like a tank turret with the barrel extending into the letter \u0027F\u0027. Along the bottom of the letters a baseball player with the number 24 on his back is reaching out to catch a baseball. The baseball is forming the centre of the \u0027e\u0027 while the arm provides the break for the tail. The baseballers head marks the centre of the \u0027d\u0027 and the number 24 is coloured in blue to show the lower half of the stroke of the \u0027d\u0027. Toward the right of the image the space between the \u0027E\u0027 and \u0027x\u0027 has been decorated to look like a Guy Fawkes mask, with ties wrapping around the \u0027x\u0027 and being drawn off-screen. A faint outline suggests the whitespace above the \u0027x\u0027 is a hat, with the brim extending into the upper part of the \u0027E\u0027. Two speech bubbles are visible above the drawing, both spoken by off-screen characters.]]\nPerson 1 (off-screen): All I see if Guy Fawkes watching Willie Mays catch a fly ball while an armored assault vehicle rolls past.\nPerson 2 (off-screen): ...You either need more medication or less. Not sure which.\n\n{{Title text: Once you see it, you can\u0027t help seeing it every time. Until your body finishes metabolizing the mushrooms.}}", "alt": "Once you see it, you can\u0027t help seeing it every time. Until your body finishes metabolizing the mushrooms.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/subliminal.png", "title": "Subliminal", "day": "5" }, { "month": "10", "num": 961, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Eternal Flame", "transcript": "[[Two people before a memorial with an eternally spinning wait cursor. They contemplate silently on an influential life. Goodbye, Steve.]]\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s always the hope that if you sit and watch for long enough, the beachball will vanish and the thing it interrupted will return.}}", "alt": "There\u0027s always the hope that if you sit and watch for long enough, the beachball will vanish and the thing it interrupted will return.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/eternal_flame.gif", "title": "Eternal Flame", "day": "6" }, { "month": "10", "num": 962, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Corliss Resolution", "transcript": "The Fermi Paradox: Planets are so common that life should be too. So where is it?\n[[A person with an unusual suit runs.]]\n\nWell, now we know. It\u0027s not that life inevitably destroys itself with war.\n[[The person keeps running.]]\n\nIt\u0027s just that it takes longer to develop space colonization.\n[[The person leaps off a cliff]]\nThan it does to invent an activity..\n\n..more fun than survival.\n[[Youtube video of the person, with the suit opening up into a wingsuit. As this is youtube, the comments have not been shown. Two people are watching the video offpanel.]]\nPerson 1: Holy crap.\nPerson 2: I don\u0027t care how dangerous it is. I have to try it.\n\n{{Title text: And no avian society ever develops space travel because it\u0027s impossible to focus on calculus when you could be outside flying.}}", "alt": "And no avian society ever develops space travel because it\u0027s impossible to focus on calculus when you could be outside flying.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_corliss_resolution.png", "title": "The Corliss Resolution", "day": "10" }, { "month": "10", "num": 963, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "X11", "transcript": "[[The comic is a graph, with the x axis labelled \"Time since I last had to open Xorg.conf\" and the y axis labelled \"General satisfaction with how my life is going\". A curve starting at (0,0) snakes toward the upper right of the graph.]]\n\n{{Title text: Thomas Jefferson thought that every law and every constitution should be torn down and rewritten from scratch every nineteen years--which means X is overdue.}}", "alt": "Thomas Jefferson thought that every law and every constitution should be torn down and rewritten from scratch every nineteen years--which means X is overdue.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/x11.png", "title": "X11", "day": "12" }, { "month": "10", "num": 964, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dorm Poster", "transcript": "[[Person 1 finds dorm room]]\n\n[[View into the dorm room. The left half is already occupied, and Person 2 has filled his side with the normal accoutrements of dorm life. There is a Pink Floyd \"Dark Side of the Moon\" poster hanging on the far wall, offset and only on Person 2\u0027s side]]\n\n[[Person 1 has a bit of a ponder]]\n\n[[Person 1 leaves for a bit]]\n\n[[Person 1 returns with an item]]\n\n[[View into the dorm room. Person 1 is moving in, and has placed a second Pink Floyd \"Dark Side of the Moon\" poster modified with a lens in the rainbow\u0027s path. The poster is placed upside down on Person 1\u0027s side of the far wall to catch the rainbow, feed it back into the prism, and turn it back into a narrow stream of white light.]]\n\n{{Title text: I was going to record an album with that cover under the name \"PINK FTFY\", so it\u0027d come after them on the store CD rack. But at this point music stores are just rooms where CDs are set out to age before they\u0027re thrown away, so probably nobody would see it.}}", "alt": "I was going to record an album with that cover under the name \"PINK FTFY\", so it\u0027d come after them on the store CD rack. But at this point music stores are just rooms where CDs are set out to age before they\u0027re thrown away, so probably nobody would see it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dorm_poster.png", "title": "Dorm Poster", "day": "14" }, { "month": "10", "num": 965, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Elements", "transcript": "[[Aang the Avatar and Dmitri Mendeleev stand in opposition to each other. Aang wields all 4 classical elements: Water, Fire, Earth, and Air.]]\nAang: I\u0027m the avatar, master of all 4 elements!\nMendeleev: Really? I\u0027m Mendeleev, master of all 118+. \n\u003c\u003cswoosh\u003e\u003e\nMendeleev: That was polonium-bending. You probably didn\u0027t feel anything, but the symptoms of radiation poisoning will set in shortly.\n\n{{Title text: Of all the nations, the armies of the ununoctium-benders are probably the least intimidating. The xenon-benders come close, but their flickery signs are at least effective for propaganda.}}", "alt": "Of all the nations, the armies of the ununoctium-benders are probably the least intimidating. The xenon-benders come close, but their flickery signs are at least effective for propaganda.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/elements.png", "title": "Elements", "day": "17" }, { "month": "10", "num": 966, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Jet Fuel", "transcript": "[[Two people are having a conversation.]]\nPerson 1: 9\n11 was an inside job! Jet fuel can\u0027t burn hot enough to melt steel!\nPerson 2: Well, remember - jet fuel wasn\u0027t the only thing on those planes. They would\u0027ve also carried tanks full of the mind-control agents airliners use to make chemtrails. Who \nknows\n what temperature that stuff burns at!\nPerson 1: Whoa. Good point!\n\n{{Title text: The \u0027controlled demolition\u0027 theory was concocted by the government to distract us. \u00279\n11 was an inside job\u0027 was an inside job!}}", "alt": "The \u0027controlled demolition\u0027 theory was concocted by the government to distract us. \u00279/11 was an inside job\u0027 was an inside job!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/jet_fuel.png", "title": "Jet Fuel", "day": "19" }, { "month": "10", "num": 967, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Prairie", "transcript": "[[Two people stand in a field of wheat. The people are drawn in the typical black and white stick figure style, but the field is immensely detailed, with the grain coloured a rich amber and stroked such that individual stalks can be picked out, with a few dark bands providing contrast. In the distance a low mountain range is visible and in the sky a few scattered fluffy white clouds float low over the horizon.]]\nPerson 1: Well, when we observe them, they become amber \nparticles\n of grain.\n\n{{Title text: Colorado is working to develop coherent amber waves, which would allow them to finally destroy Kansas and Nebraska with a devastating but majestic grain laser.}}", "alt": "Colorado is working to develop coherent amber waves, which would allow them to finally destroy Kansas and Nebraska with a devastating but majestic grain laser.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/prairie.png", "title": "Prairie", "day": "21" }, { "month": "10", "num": 968, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Everything", "transcript": "[[Person 1 drags a small wagon and a bag full of various items]]\nPerson 1: You are not the light of my life. Making you happy isn\u0027t my greatest dream.\n\n[[Person 1 places the items in an even bigger pile of even more random items]]\nPerson 1: Your smile is not all I live for. I\u0027ve got my own stuff going on. But you\u0027re strange and fascinating and I\u0027ve never met anyone like you.\n\n[[Person 1 stares in awe as Person 2 assembles the items into a gargantuan, intoxicatingly complex machine]]\nPerson 1: I want to give you everything just to see what you\u0027d do with it.\n\n{{Title text: I wanna hold your hand so I don\u0027t fall out of your gyrocopter.}}", "alt": "I wanna hold your hand so I don\u0027t fall out of your gyrocopter.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/everything.png", "title": "Everything", "day": "24" }, { "month": "10", "num": 969, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Delta-P", "transcript": "[[A wardrobe with an anchor attached to it falls into the ocean]]\n\nQ = A(2gd)^(1\n2)\n\nQ = flow rate\nA = area of opening\nd = ocean depth (2 km)\ng = Earth gravity\n\nFlow: ~400,000 liters\ns\nWater jet velocity: ~200 m\ns\n\nThe White Witch didn\u0027t know what hit her.\n\n{{Title text: If you fire a Portal gun through the door of the wardrobe, space and time knot together, which leads to a frustrated Aslan trying to impart Christian morality to the Space sphere.}}", "alt": "If you fire a Portal gun through the door of the wardrobe, space and time knot together, which leads to a frustrated Aslan trying to impart Christian morality to the Space sphere.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/delta_p.png", "title": "Delta-P", "day": "26" }, { "month": "10", "num": 970, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Important Field", "transcript": "[[A soldier wearing a olive drab green hat sits in front of a computer]]\nComputer: Welcome to the missile launch web interface!\n\u003c\u003cmouse click\u003e\u003e\n\nComputer: Enter the target\u0027s coordinates.\n\u003c\u003ctype type\u003e\u003e\n\nEnter your email address for our records.\n\u003c\u003ctype type\u003e\u003e\n\nEnter your email again, to ensure you typed it correctly.\n[[Green Hat Man sits there with an even blanker look on his face than normal]]\n\n{{Title text: I hear in some places, you need one form of ID to buy a gun, but two to pay for it by check. It\u0027s interesting who has what incentives to care about what mistakes.}}", "alt": "I hear in some places, you need one form of ID to buy a gun, but two to pay for it by check. It\u0027s interesting who has what incentives to care about what mistakes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_important_field.png", "title": "The Important Field", "day": "28" }, { "month": "10", "num": 971, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Alternative Literature", "transcript": "[[Person 1 and 2 stand in front of Person 2\u0027s bookcase. Person 1 flips through a number of them]]\nPerson 1: All your books are full of blank pages.\nPerson 2: Not true. That one has some ink on page 78.\n[[Person 1 looks at page 78]]\nPerson 1: A smudge.\nPerson 2: So?\n\nPerson 1: There are no words. You\u0027re not reading. There\u0027s no *story* there.\nPerson 2: Maybe not for you. When I look at those books, I think about all *kinds* of stories.\n\nPerson 2: Reading is about more than what\u0027s on the page. Holding a book prompts my mind to enrich itself. Frankly, I suspect the book isn\u0027t even necessary.\n\nPerson 2: The whole industry is evil. Greedy publishers and rich authors try to convince us our brains *need* their words. But I refuse to be a sucker.\nPerson 1: Who sold you all these blank books?\n\n{{Title text: I just noticed CVS has started stocking homeopathic pills on the same shelves with--and labeled similarly to--their actual medicine. Telling someone who trusts you that you\u0027re giving them medicine, when you know youâre not, because you want their money, isnât just lying--itâs like an example youâd make up if you had to illustrate for a child why lying is wrong.}}", "alt": "I just noticed CVS has started stocking homeopathic pills on the same shelves with--and labeled similarly to--their actual medicine. Telling someone who trusts you that you\u0027re giving them medicine, when you know you’re not, because you want their money, isn’t just lying--it’s like an example you’d make up if you had to illustrate for a child why lying is wrong.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/alternative_literature.png", "title": "Alternative Literature", "day": "31" }, { "month": "11", "num": 972, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "November", "transcript": "[[Black Hat Guy and a person sit in a room]]\nBlack Hat Guy: Did you know November is Tongue Awareness Month?\n\n[[Person is suddenly aware of their tongue]]\n\n[[Person continues to be aware of their tongue]]\n\n[[Person is *still* aware of their tongue]]\nPerson: I hate you.\nBlack Hat Guy: Enjoy the next four weeks.\n\n{{Title text: November marks the birthday of Charles Schulz, pioneer of tongue awareness.}}", "alt": "November marks the birthday of Charles Schulz, pioneer of tongue awareness.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/november.png", "title": "November", "day": "2" }, { "month": "11", "num": 973, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "MTV Generation", "transcript": "[[One of them damn kids that won\u0027t get OFF MY LAWN plays with some gadgetamabob while ignoring every damn thing around him off in the background. Person 1 with a white hat, along with another person with long hair is in the foreground]]\nPerson 1: See, that\u0027s the problem with the MTV generation - no attention span.\n\nPerson 2: You know, that phrase referred to the 12-19 demographic that formed the core MTV audience in the mid-1980s.\n\nPerson 1: Uh huh. So?\nPerson 2: That generation\u0027s now in their 40s.\n\n[[Person 1 scratches their head]]\nPerson 1: That can\u0027t be right.\nPerson 2: Face it: your problem with the MTV generation is their *kids*.\n\n{{Title text: If you identified with the kids from The Breakfast Club when it came out, you\u0027re now much closer to the age of Principal Vernon.}}", "alt": "If you identified with the kids from The Breakfast Club when it came out, you\u0027re now much closer to the age of Principal Vernon.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mtv_generation.png", "title": "MTV Generation", "day": "4" }, { "month": "11", "num": 974, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "The General Problem", "transcript": "[[A person sits at a table, eating a meal.]]\nPerson: Can you pass the salt?\n\n[[The person pauses, a bite of food on his fork, silently.]]\n\n[[The person still has fork in mid-air.]]\nPerson: I said--\nOff-screen Person: I know! I\u0027m developing a system ot pass you arbitrary condiments.\nPerson: It\u0027s been 20 minutes!\nOSP: It\u0027ll save time in the long run!\n\n{{Title text: I find that when someone\u0027s taking time to do something right in the present, they\u0027re a perfectionist with no ability to prioritize, whereas when someone took time to do something right in the past, they\u0027re a master artisan of great foresight.}}", "alt": "I find that when someone\u0027s taking time to do something right in the present, they\u0027re a perfectionist with no ability to prioritize, whereas when someone took time to do something right in the past, they\u0027re a master artisan of great foresight.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_general_problem.png", "title": "The General Problem", "day": "7" }, { "month": "11", "num": 975, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Occulting Telescope", "transcript": "[[A person is giving a lecture in front of a white board, pointing to a diagram with a pointer.]]\nLecturer: The occulting observatory consists of two parts -- the telescome and the discs.\n\nWhen the telescope sees a star, a disc is carefully steered to block its light.\n[[A diagram of a satellite (labeled \"telescope\") with waves going from it on the left, across to the other side of the diagram (labeled \"light from star\") on the right. In the middle is a small vertical line (labeled \"disc\"), stopping some of the light waves from the right traveling to the left of the diagram.]] \nThis procedure is repeated until all stars are covered.\n\n[[The lecturer looks down at a student.]]\nStudent (off screen): Wait, \nall?\n Why?\nLecturer: I\u0027ll feel better.\n\n[[Close-up on lecturer.]]\nStudent (off-screen): I thought the point was to image extrasolar planets.\nLecturer: The point is that there are \ntoo many stars.\n -- It\u0027s been freaking me out.\nStudent: What?\nStudent#2 (in smaller letters): He has a point...\n\n{{Title text: Type II Kardashev civilizations eventually completely enclose their planetary system in a Dyson sphere because space is way too big to look at all the time.}}", "alt": "Type II Kardashev civilizations eventually completely enclose their planetary system in a Dyson sphere because space is way too big to look at all the time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/occulting_telescope.png", "title": "Occulting Telescope", "day": "9" }, { "month": "11", "num": 976, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sail", "transcript": "[[A person is sailing a cat-rigged sailboat. He detaches the mainsheet from the stern.]]\n\n[[The sailor pulls back on the mainsheet.]]\n\n[[The sailor stands up and pulls harder, causing the sail to arc outward.]]\n\n[[He continues pulling as hard as he can, and the sail begins to buckle outward in a semi-circular shape.]]\n\n[[Finally, the sail buckles so hard that a bubble forms and detaches from the sail, which begins to return to its normal shape.]]\n\n[[The sailor sits down and scratches his head in confusion as the bubble floats away.]]\n\n{{Title text: It only works a few times before you have to capsize the boat in a soap lagoon again.}}", "alt": "It only works a few times before you have to capsize the boat in a soap lagoon again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sail.png", "title": "Sail", "day": "11" }, { "month": "11", "num": 977, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "It turns out Monday was Steve Waterman\u0027s birthday. His \u003ca href=\"https://www.watermanpolyhedron.com/\"\u003esite\u003c/a\u003e has posters\u003cbr /\u003eof his map, plus maybe the world\u0027s only Winkel Tripel-critiquing poetry.", "safe_title": "Map Projections", "transcript": "((The comic is one large panel, with different types of map projections listed in two columns. Each listing has an illustration of that projection plus a short paragraph describing the individual who prefers that projection.))\n\nWhat your favourite Map Projection says about you.\n\nMercator\n[[A drawing of the Mercator projection is shown. In this the world is distorted to fit into a perfect square, centred on Africa.]]\nYou\u0027re not really into maps.\n\nRobinson\n[[A drawing of the Robinson projection is shown. Areas near the poles in this projection are fairly distorted, but the distortion is greatly reduced when moving toward the equator.]]\nYou have a comfortable pair of running shoes that you wear everywhere. You like coffee and enjoy the Beatles. You think the Robinson is the best-looking projection, hands down.\n\nWinkel-Tripel\n[[The Winkel-Tripel projection is similar to the Robinson projection, with less distortion at the poles. However the distortion at equivalent latitudes differs as the longitude varies.]]\nNational Geographic adopted the Winkel-Tripel in 1998, but you\u0027ve been a W-T fan since \nlong\n before \"Nat Geo\" showed up. You\u0027re worried it\u0027s getting played out, and are thinking of switching to the Kavrayskiy. You once left a party in disgust when a guest showed up wearing shoes with toes. Your favourite musical genre is \"post-\".\n\nHobo-Dyer\n[[The Hobo-Dyer projection is a cylindrical projection resulting in significant latitudinal distortion. The result is a rectangular image with the poles vertically compressed, and land near the equator stretched.]]\nYou want to avoid cultural imperialism but you\u0027ve heard bad things about Gall-Peters. You\u0027re conflict-averse and buy organic.l You use a recently-invented set of gender-neutral pronouns and think that what the world needs is a revolution in consciousness.\n\nA globe!\n[[It\u0027s a globe.]]\nYes, you\u0027re very clever.\n\nPierce Quincuncial\n[[This is a square projection centred over the north pole. The continents stretch out radially from the centre of the map and bits of Antarctica are visible in each corner of the projection.]]\nYou think that when we look at a map, what we really see is ourselves. After you first saw \nInception\n, you sat silent in the theater for six hours. It freaks you out to realise that everyone around you has a skeleton inside them. You \nhave\n really looked at your hands.\n\n((The second column of projections starts here.))\n\nVan Der Grinten\n[[This projection displays the continents inside a perfectly circular frame. The continents are displayed with similar distortion to what you would see in the Robinson or Winkel-Tripel projections.]]\nYou\u0027re not a complicated person. You love the Mercator projection; you just wish it weren\u0027t so square. The earth\u0027s not a square, it\u0027s a circle. You like circles. Today is gonna be a good day!\n\nDymaxion\n[[The Dymaxion projection attempts to unfold the earth into a polyhedral net, centred on the north pole. The map has no set shape, instead it looks to be made out of a series of triangles.]]\nYou like Isaac Asimov, XML, and shoes with toes. You think the segway got a bad rap. You own 3D goggles, which you use to view rotating models of better 3D goggles. You type in Dvorak.\n\nGoode Homolosine\n[[The Goode Homolosine projection attempts to minimise distortion by combining two equal area projections onto a split projection. The map resembles a smooth unfolded net, with landmasses kept whole where possible.]]\nThey say mapping the earth on a 2D surface is like flattening an orange peel, which seems easy enough to you. You like easy solutions. You think we wouldn\u0027t have so many problems if we\u0027d just elect \nnormal\n people to congress instead of politicians. You think airlines should just buy food from the restaurants near the gates and serve \nthat\n on board. You change your car\u0027s oil, but secretly wonder if you really \nneed\n to.\n\nPlate Carrée\n(Equirectangular)\n[[This projection maps latitude and longitude to a rectangular grid, leading to significant longitudinal distortion near the poles.]]\nYou think this one is fine. You like how \nx\n and \ny\n map to latitude and longitude. The other projections overcomplicate things. You want me to stop asking about maps so you can enjoy dinner.\n\nWaterman Butterfly\n[[This projection unfolds the world into a net, similar to the Dymaxion projection. It is centred on the Atlantic, and resembles a butterfly with the Americas on the western wing, with Europe and Africa on the eastern wing.]]\nReally? You know the Waterman? Have you seen the 1909 Cahill map it\u0027s based-- ...You have a framed reproduction at home?! Whoa. ...Listen, forget these questions. Are you doing anything tonight?\n\nGall-Peters\n[[Another rectangular projection, this map suffers significant distortion near the poles, and significant latitudinal distortion in general.]]\nI \nhate\n you.\n\n{{Title text: What\u0027s that? You think I don\u0027t like the Peters map because I\u0027m uncomfortable with having my cultural assumptions challenged? Are you sure you\u0027re not ... ::puts on sunglasses:: ... projecting?}}", "alt": "What\u0027s that? You think I don\u0027t like the Peters map because I\u0027m uncomfortable with having my cultural assumptions challenged? Are you sure you\u0027re not ... ::puts on sunglasses:: ... projecting?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/map_projections.png", "title": "Map Projections", "day": "14" }, { "month": "11", "num": 978, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Citogenesis", "transcript": "Where Citations Come From:\n\nCitogenesis Step #1\nThrough a convoluted process, a user\u0027s brain generates facts. These are typed into Wikipedia.\n[[A guy with short hair sits at a desk, typing on a laptop.]]\nGuy: (typing) The \"scroll lock\" key was designed by future Energy Secretary Steven Chu in a college project.\n\nA rushed writer checks Wikipedia for a summary of their subject.\n[[A woman with a ponytail sits at a desk, typing on a desktop.]]\nWoman: (typing) US Energy Secretary Steven Chu, (Nobel Prizewinner and creator of the ubiquitous \"scroll lock\" key) testified before Congress today...\nStep #2\n\nSurprised readers check Wikipedia, see the claim, and flag it for review. A passing editor finds the piece and adds it as a citation. \n[[A man sits on a couch with a laptop in his lap, typing.]]\nMan: Google is your friend, people. (typing) \u003cref\u003e{{cite web|url=\nStep #3\n\nStep #4\nNow that other writers have a real source, they repeat the fact.\n[[A flow chart, with \"Wikipedia citation\" in the center. The word \"Wikipedia\" is in black, the word \"citations\" is white with a red background. \nA black arrow leads from \"brain\" to \"Wikipedia.\"\nA black arrow labeled \"words\" leads from \"Wikipedia\" to \"careless writers,\" and a red arrow labeled \"citations\" leads back to \"Wikipedia citations.\" \nA black \u0026 red arrow leads from \"Wikipedia\" to \"cited facts\" which leads to \"slightly more careful writers,\" which leads to \"more citations,\" which leads back to \"Wikipedia\" (all black \u0026 red arrows).]]\nReferences proliferate, completing the citogenesis process.\n\n{{Title text: I just read a pop-science book by a respected author. One chapter, and much of the thesis, was based around wildly inaccurate data which traced back to ... Wikipedia. To encourage people to be on their toes, I\u0027m not going to say what book or author.}}", "alt": "I just read a pop-science book by a respected author. One chapter, and much of the thesis, was based around wildly inaccurate data which traced back to ... Wikipedia. To encourage people to be on their toes, I\u0027m not going to say what book or author.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/citogenesis.png", "title": "Citogenesis", "day": "16" }, { "month": "11", "num": 979, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wisdom of the Ancients", "transcript": "((A poem is written outside the only panel, right justified along the left edge of the only panel.))\nNever have I felt so close to another soul\nAnd yet so helplessly alone\nAs when I Google an error\nAnd there\u0027s one result\nA thread by someone with the same problem\nAnd no answer\nLast posted to in 2003\n[[A person stands in front of his computer, shaking it violently while looking at the screen.]]\nPerson: Who were you, DenverCoder9? - \nWHAT DID YOU SEE?!\n\n\n{{Title text: All long help threads should have a sticky globally-editable post at the top saying \u0027DEAR PEOPLE FROM THE FUTURE: Here\u0027s what we\u0027ve figured out so far ...\u0027}}", "alt": "All long help threads should have a sticky globally-editable post at the top saying \u0027DEAR PEOPLE FROM THE FUTURE: Here\u0027s what we\u0027ve figured out so far ...\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wisdom_of_the_ancients.png", "title": "Wisdom of the Ancients", "day": "18" }, { "month": "11", "num": 980, "link": "https://xkcd.com/980/huge/", "year": "2011", "news": "This one was fun (and exhausting) to make.\u003cbr /\u003eThere\u0027s a poster of it in the \u003ca href=\"https://store.xkcd.com/products/money-poster\"\u003estore\u003c/a\u003e!", "safe_title": "Money", "transcript": "Money\nall of it\n((this transcription is only reproducing text visible on the front page comic. There are 5 large panels, each with a series of plots, comparing the values of various things.))\nDollars\n((This section covers single coffees up to the hourly salaries of CEOs))\n\nThousands\n((This section discusses values from around $1000 to $1000000, including a dissection of the song \u0027If I had $1000000\u0027))\n\nMillions\n((This section focuses on $1000,000 to $1000,000,000, with a large section on campaign contributions of American political presidential campaigns, values of expensive works of art, and J. K. Rowling.))\n\nBillions\n((This section gets into larger scale finances, profits of various sectors, costs of natural disasters, and net worths of the richest people on the planet. Also, Donald Trump.))\n\nTrillions\n((Global financial status is described here. It discusses derivatives, liquid assets, public debt by nation and GDP by continent, culminating with the total economic production of the human race to date.))\n\n{{Title text: There, I showed you it.}}", "alt": "There, I showed you it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/money.png", "title": "Money", "day": "21" }, { "month": "11", "num": 981, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Porn Folder", "transcript": "[[A person sits at a desk, looking at a laptop screen with one hand on his chin.]]\nPerson: So I thought I found your porn folder, in calendar\nbackup\nPORN\n --\nPerson #2 (off screen): Don\u0027t open that!\n\n[[A wider shot of the person looking at the laptop.]]\nPerson #1: But it contains a bunch more folders, filled with more folders, and then... after 20 levels, somehow I\u0027m back at the main folder?\nPerson #2 (off screen): It\u0027s, uh, well hidden.\n\n[[The person has turned around in the chair, now with the laptop in his lap.]]\nPerson #1: I think there\u0027s no actual porn here. - You\u0027re just turned on by filesystems.\nPerson #2 (off screen): It\u0027s a hardlinked directory loop -- so taboo!\nPerson #1: Now I feel dirty sharing a drive with you.\n\n{{Title text: Eww, gross, you modified link()? How could you enjoy abusing a filesystem like that?}}", "alt": "Eww, gross, you modified link()? How could you enjoy abusing a filesystem like that?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/porn_folder.png", "title": "Porn Folder", "day": "23" }, { "month": "11", "num": 982, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Set Theory", "transcript": "[[A woman with a ponytail stands at a blackboard, facing away from it. She has a pointer in her hand, and written on the blackboard is some set theory math.]]\nWoman: The axiom of choice allows you to select one element from each set in a collection -- and have it \nexecuted\n as an example to the others.\n\n{{Title text: Proof of Zermelo\u0027s well-ordering theorem given the Axiom of Choice: 1: Take S to be any set. 2: When I reach step three, if S hasn\u0027t managed to find a well-ordering relation for itself, I\u0027ll feed it into this wood chipper. 3: Hey, look, S is well-ordered.}}", "alt": "Proof of Zermelo\u0027s well-ordering theorem given the Axiom of Choice: 1: Take S to be any set. 2: When I reach step three, if S hasn\u0027t managed to find a well-ordering relation for itself, I\u0027ll feed it into this wood chipper. 3: Hey, look, S is well-ordered.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/set_theory.png", "title": "Set Theory", "day": "25" }, { "month": "11", "num": 983, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Privacy", "transcript": "Dorm:\n[[An incredibly libidinous, extremely attractive couple try and enter one person\u0027s dorm room.]]\nLocked.\n\nOther Dorm:\n[[The same couple in the other person\u0027s dorm room, where the roommate is sitting at a computer playing an MMO]]\nRoommate: I\u0027ll be done tuesday.\nRoommate in raid\n\nLibrary Rare Book Collection:\n[[Libidinous couple staring inside the room from outside. Nelson Mandela and other university workers inside the room, looking at some extremely expensive items]]\nOccupied by tour for visiting Nelson Mandela\n\nAccelerator Tunnel:\n[[Couple stares at a heavy, imposing door denying them entry]]\nSealed while beam is in operation.\n\nBeaver Lodge (stop snickering!):\n[[couple attempting to enter an occupied beaver lodge]]\nFrozen over for winter to keep out predators; only accessible via underwater entrance.\n\nHyperspace:\n[[Couple in front of a number of highly advanced physics textbooks]]\nPerson 1: Are you *sure*?\nRuled out by current understanding of physics.\n\n{{Title text: Eventual headline: \u0027University Researchers Create Life in Lab! Darkness, Faulty Condoms Blamed.\u0027}}", "alt": "Eventual headline: \u0027University Researchers Create Life in Lab! Darkness, Faulty Condoms Blamed.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/privacy.png", "title": "Privacy", "day": "28" }, { "month": "11", "num": 984, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Space Launch System", "transcript": "Person 1: Check out the SLS - 130 tons to orbit. Finally, rockets that improve on the ones we had 40 years ago.\nBlack Hat Man: Are we getting Nazis to build those ones too?\n\nPerson 1, offscreen: What?\nBlack Hat Man, offscreen: When we first captured von Braun and his team, we had our engineers interview them, then *we* built the rockets. But our rockets kept exploding\n[[von Braun interviewed by a scientist while under guard]]\n[[The same scientist in front of a spectacularly exploding rocket]]\n\nBlack Hat Man, narrating: Eventually we gave up and had the German teams do it, and they built us the Saturn V moon rocket. \n[[The Saturn V gracefully arcing across the night sky]]\n\nPerson 1: I\u0027m.. not sure what lesson to take from that.\nBlack Hat Man: \"If you want something done right ,learning from the Nazis isn\u0027t enough. You have to actually put them in charge.\nPerson 1: That\u0027s a *terrible* lesson.\nBlack Hat Man: Then I guess you should get a Nazi to come up with a better one.\n\n{{Title text: The SLS head engineer plans to invite Shania Twain to stand under the completed prototype, then tell her, \u0027I don\u0027t expect you to date me just because I\u0027m a rocket scientist, but you\u0027ve gotta admit--this is pretty fucking impressive.\u0027}}", "alt": "The SLS head engineer plans to invite Shania Twain to stand under the completed prototype, then tell her, \u0027I don\u0027t expect you to date me just because I\u0027m a rocket scientist, but you\u0027ve gotta admit--this is pretty fucking impressive.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/space_launch_system.png", "title": "Space Launch System", "day": "30" }, { "month": "12", "num": 985, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Percentage Points", "transcript": "[[An average news anchor reading news copy of below average intelligence appears on a TV, with one person watching it in utter disgust]]\nNews Anchor: Senator Grayton\u0027s campaign has imploded following the candidate\u0027s promise to give tax breaks to drunk drivers and to authorize the use of unmanned Predator drones in the War On Christmas. Grayton had been polling at 20%, but his support has since plunged by 19%.\nI hate the ambiguity created when people don\u0027t distinguish between percentages and percentage points.\n\n{{Title text: Grayton also proposed making college scholarships available exclusively to sexually active teens, amnesty for illegal immigrants who create room for themselves by killing a citizen, and a graduated income tax based on penis size. He has been endorsed by Tracy Morgan, John Wilkes Booth\u0027s ghost, and the Time Cube guy.}}", "alt": "Grayton also proposed making college scholarships available exclusively to sexually active teens, amnesty for illegal immigrants who create room for themselves by killing a citizen, and a graduated income tax based on penis size. He has been endorsed by Tracy Morgan, John Wilkes Booth\u0027s ghost, and the Time Cube guy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/percentage_points.png", "title": "Percentage Points", "day": "2" }, { "month": "12", "num": 986, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Drinking Fountains", "transcript": "[[Person leaving the bathroom, headed towards a nearby water fountain. Person having a drink at said water fountain. Person grumblingly reentering the bathroom. Same person leaving the bathroom. Cycle repeats endlessly in a horrific sisyphean loop.]]\n\nI avoid drinking fountains outside bathrooms because I\u0027m afraid of getting trapped in a loop.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027ve always wondered whether you could drink slowly enough, and eliminate fast enough, that you just sort of peed continuously. But I\u0027m afraid to try because I worry someone might call while I\u0027m doing it and ask what I\u0027m up to, and I won\u0027t be able to think of a lie.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ve always wondered whether you could drink slowly enough, and eliminate fast enough, that you just sort of peed continuously. But I\u0027m afraid to try because I worry someone might call while I\u0027m doing it and ask what I\u0027m up to, and I won\u0027t be able to think of a lie.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/drinking_fountains.png", "title": "Drinking Fountains", "day": "5" }, { "month": "12", "num": 987, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Potential", "transcript": "Narrator: When teachers complain \"You\u0027re not working at your full potential!\" \n[[Explosion in background]]\n\nNarrator: Don\u0027t take it too hard.\n[[car casually spirals through the air while a crash is heard in the background]]\n\nNarrator: They complain *way* more when you do.\n[[A mechanized, 6-tentacled robot rampages around, picking up cars and creating a small warzone before the student inside while the lamentations of people and the building of military forces are in the background]]\n\n{{Title text: The bunch of disadvantaged kids I was tutoring became too good at writing, and their essays were forcing me to confront painful existential questions, so I started trying to turn them on to drugs and crime instead.}}", "alt": "The bunch of disadvantaged kids I was tutoring became too good at writing, and their essays were forcing me to confront painful existential questions, so I started trying to turn them on to drugs and crime instead.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/potential.png", "title": "Potential", "day": "7" }, { "month": "12", "num": 988, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tradition", "transcript": "The 20 most-played Christmas songs (2000-2009 radio airplay) by decade of popular release\n[[A bar chart labeled on the X-axis with the decades \"1900s\" through \"2000s\" labeled. Each bar has, as one unit, a labeled song. \n\"1900s\", \"1910s\", \"1920s\", \"1980s\", \"1990s\", and \"2000s\" are empty. \n\"1930s\" has \"Santa Claus is Coming to Town\". \n\"1940s\" has \"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer\", \"Winter Wonderland\", \"Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire\", \"Let it Snow\", \"Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas\", \"I\u0027ll be Home for Christmas\", and \"White Christmas\".\n\"1950s\" has \"Rockin\u0027 Around the Christmas Tree\", \"Jingle Bell Rock\", \"Blue Christmas\", \"Little Drummer Boy\", \"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus\", \"Silver Bells\", \"It\u0027s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas\", \"Sleigh Ride\", and \"Frosty the Snowman\"\n\"1960s\" has \"Holly Jolly Christmas\" and \"It\u0027s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year\"\n\"1970s\" has \"Feliz Navidad\"]]\nEvery year, American culture embarks on a massive project to carefully recreate the Christmases of Baby Boomers\u0027 childhoods.\n\n{{Title text: An \u0027American tradition\u0027 is anything that happened to a baby boomer twice.}}", "alt": "An \u0027American tradition\u0027 is anything that happened to a baby boomer twice.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tradition.png", "title": "Tradition", "day": "9" }, { "month": "12", "num": 989, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cryogenics", "transcript": "[[Two people, one of which is staring at a smartphone]]\nPerson 1: Everyone\u0027s carrying sensor-packed, always-connected computers everywhere. That wasn\u0027t true ten years ago.\nWhite Hat Guy: It\u0027s all changing too fast, huh?\nPerson 1: No, too *slowly*.\n\nPerson 1: There\u0027s so much potential here. These clumsy, poorly-designed toys are *nothing* compared to what lies ahead.\n\n[[Person 1 climbs into a cryogenic chamber]]\nPerson 1: That\u0027s why I\u0027ve worked to develop cryogenic freezing. I\u0027m gonna skip forward 30 years and use this stuff when it\u0027s *good*.\n\n30 years later..\nSomeone who isn\u0027t Terry: Welcome to the future! Nothing\u0027s changed.\nPerson 1: What? Why??\n\n[[rows of other people waking up out of their own cryogenic chambers]]\nnot Terry: When cryogenic freezing was invented, all the engineers who were excited about the future froze themselves. So there\u0027s been no one building anything new.\n\nnot Terry: But they\u0027re all waking up now!\nPerson 1: Sweet! I\u0027m gonna jump forward to see what they do!\nEngineer 1: Me too!\nEngineer 2: Wait, uh, guys?\n\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Welcome to the future! Nothing\u0027s changed.\u0027 was the slogan of my astonishingly short-lived tech startup.}}", "alt": "\u0027Welcome to the future! Nothing\u0027s changed.\u0027 was the slogan of my astonishingly short-lived tech startup.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cryogenics.png", "title": "Cryogenics", "day": "12" }, { "month": "12", "num": 990, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Plastic Bags", "transcript": "((not a character; just a colon in a normal sentence))\nFun Fact: Stores have a competition to see who can spread your items across the most plastic shopping bags\n\nBag Packer: Here you go!\n[[5 items placed in a single bag; heaviest item placed at the bottom]\nShopper: Thanks!\n\nBag Packer: Here you go!\n[[Same items; heaviest item now placed in separate bag]]\nShopper: Oh, that\u0027s easier to carry.\n\nBag Packer: Here you go!\n[[Heavy item is now double bagged]]\nShopper: Double-bagging the big stuff makes sense..\n\nBag Packer: Here you go!\n[[the other 4 items are now split into 2 separate bags]]\nShopper: That\u0027s a bit wasteful..\n\nBag Packer: Here you go!\n[[The 2 separate bags are now double bagged]]\nShopper: You just put five items in six bags.\n\nBag Packer: Here you go!\n[[Every item is now in its own, double-bagged bag.]]\nShopper: OK! I give up! I\u0027ll buy a reusable bag!\n\nBag Packer: Here you go!\n[[Reusable bag is double-bagged]]\nShopper: Augh!\n\n{{Title text: The high I feel when I actually remember to bring my reusable bags to the store--and take them inside rather than leaving them in the parked car--can last for days.}}", "alt": "The high I feel when I actually remember to bring my reusable bags to the store--and take them inside rather than leaving them in the parked car--can last for days.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/plastic_bags.png", "title": "Plastic Bags", "day": "14" }, { "month": "12", "num": 991, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Phantom Menace", "transcript": "[[Two people -- one in a Darth Maul mask, the other holding a lightsaber, and each holding money in his or her hand -- stand outside a building.]]\n\n[[They continue to stand there.]]\n\n[[They continue to stand there.]]\n\n[[Darth Maul turns to lightsaber guy.]]\nDarth Maul: Are you \nsure\n this place is a theater?\nLightsaber guy: Let\u0027s give it one more month.\n\n{{Title text: We could go to the theater across town and see if it\u0027s opened THERE yet, but we don\u0027t want to lose our place in line.}}", "alt": "We could go to the theater across town and see if it\u0027s opened THERE yet, but we don\u0027t want to lose our place in line.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/phantom_menace.png", "title": "Phantom Menace", "day": "16" }, { "month": "12", "num": 992, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mnemonics", "transcript": "XKCD Presents: Some New Science Mnemonics\n\n((Pattern goes: \nSubject\nElements\nTraditional mnemonic\nContents of frame\nNew mnemonics))\n\nOrder of Operations\nParentheses, Exponents, Division \u0026 Multiplication, Addition \u0026 Subtraction\nTraditional: Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally\n[[Person having a shark delivered to his laptop]]\nPlease Email My Dad A Shark \nor\nPeople Expect More Drugs And Sex\n\nSI Prefixes\nBig: Kilo, Mega, Giga, Tera, Peta, Exa, Zetta, Yotta\nMilli, Micro, Nano, Pico, Femto, Atto, Zepto, Yocto\n[[Graph of the declining profits of the Zune]]\n[[Karl Marx delivering a number of zeppelins to a bunch of confused proletariats]]\nBig: Karl Marx Gave The Proletariat Eleven Zeppelins, Yo\nSmall: Microsoft Made No Profit From Anyone\u0027s Zunes, Yo\n\nTaxonomy\nKingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species\nTraditional: King Philip Came Over For Good Sex\nKaty Perry: I\u0027m not sure who doubts this, really.\nKaty Perry Claims Orgasms Feel Good Sometimes\nor\nKernel Panics Crash Our Family Game System.\n\nGeologic Periods\n(Precambrian), Cambrian, Ordovician, Silurian, Devonian, Carboniferous, Permian, Triassic, Jurassic, Cretaceous, Paleogene, Neogene\nTraditional: [I never learned one]\n[[A month\u0027s set of birth control pills]]\nPolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome Does Cause Problems That Judicious Contraceptives Partially Negate\n\nResistor Color Codes\nBlack, Brown, Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Violet, Gray, White\nTraditional: [none I care for]\n[[Glenn Beck holding the traditional \"Nanobot Vaccine Chemtrail 9\n11\" sign]]\n\"Big Brother Reptilian Overlords\", yelled Glenn, \"Brainwashing Via Ground water!!\"\nor\nBe Bold, Respect Others; You\u0027ll Gradually Become Versatile, Great Wikipedians!\n\nPlanets\nMercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune\nTraditional: My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Nachos\n[[A pregnant Mary attempting to explain things to an incredulous Joseph]]\nMary\u0027s \"Virgin\" Explanation Made Joseph Suspect Upstairs Neighbor.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Sailor Moon\u0027s head exploded once\u0027 and \u0027Some men have explosive orgasms\u0027 both work for the Great Lakes from west to east (Paddle-to-the-Sea order).}}", "alt": "\u0027Sailor Moon\u0027s head exploded once\u0027 and \u0027Some men have explosive orgasms\u0027 both work for the Great Lakes from west to east (Paddle-to-the-Sea order).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mnemonics.png", "title": "Mnemonics", "day": "19" }, { "month": "12", "num": 993, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brand Identity", "transcript": "[[The incredibly varied shelf of a supermarket aisle. There are many different types of products on this shelf. Each type has numerous different brands, all surrounding a very plain brand that has, as its only label, the type of product. A plain bag, labeled in plain black letters, says \"Potato Chips\" and is surrounded by all the other various brands of potato chips. The same exists for tissues, crackers, matches, peanuts, hot sauce, sugar , milk, pasta, coffee, black beans, lima beans, mayo, ketchup, tea, and bread. There is a stark contrast between the incredibly noisy and complex labeling of every other brand and this simple one.]]\nIf I ever sold a line of supermarket goods, this is how I\u0027d build a brand identity overnight.\n\n\n{{Title text: Legally-mandated information would be printed on the back or discreetly along the bottom. In small letters under the nutrition information it would say \u0027Like our products? Visit our website!\u0027 There would be no URL.}}", "alt": "Legally-mandated information would be printed on the back or discreetly along the bottom. In small letters under the nutrition information it would say \u0027Like our products? Visit our website!\u0027 There would be no URL.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brand_identity.png", "title": "Brand Identity", "day": "21" }, { "month": "12", "num": 994, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Advent Calendar", "transcript": "((There\u0027s a single large panel. It shows a portion of an advent calendar.))\nDecember 23rd\nDecember 24th 12:00AM\nDecember 24th NOON\nDecember 24th 6:00PM\nDecember 24th 9:00PM\nDecember 24th 10:30PM\nDecember 24th 11:15PM\nDecember 24th 11:37:30PM\nDecember 24th 11:48:45PM\nDecember 24th 11:54:22.5PM\nDecember 24th 11:57:11.25PM\nDecember 24th 11:58:35.63PM\n...\nZeno\u0027s Advent Calendar\n\n{{Title text: I think you could get up to about 11:59:57 before you\u0027d have trouble swallowing the chocolates fast enough. At that point, you\u0027d need some kind of a liquify-and-chug apparatus to get up over the 11:59:59 barrier. Anyway, Merry Christmas!}}", "alt": "I think you could get up to about 11:59:57 before you\u0027d have trouble swallowing the chocolates fast enough. At that point, you\u0027d need some kind of a liquify-and-chug apparatus to get up over the 11:59:59 barrier. Anyway, Merry Christmas!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/advent_calendar.png", "title": "Advent Calendar", "day": "23" }, { "month": "12", "num": 995, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Coinstar", "transcript": "[[A mischievous, curious person empties a small bag into a whrrring machine]]\n\n[[Machine makes progressively less happy *kachunk*, *tshhhh*, *clickclickclick* and *grind* noises]]\n\n[[Machine pops, then beeps in a tone of utter defeat]]\n\nHoliday tip: Coinstar does not handle chocolate coins well.\n\n{{Title text: Plus they take like 9%.}}", "alt": "Plus they take like 9%.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/coinstar.png", "title": "Coinstar", "day": "26" }, { "month": "12", "num": 996, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "Some context for the cancer comics:\u003cbr /\u003e\u003ca href=\"https://blog.xkcd.com/2011/06/30/family-illness/\"\u003ehttps://blog.xkcd.com/2011/06/30/family-illness/\u003c/a\u003e", "safe_title": "Making Things Difficult", "transcript": "Breast Cancer Surgery Follow-Up\nOncologist: You\u0027re looking great! Remove your top so I can check how the incision is healing.\nDelightfully Awesome Person: Nuh-uh.\n\nOncologist: *sigh*. Do we have to do this *every* time?\nDelightfully Awesome Person: You know the rules.\n\nOncologist: This is so ridiculous.\n[[Oncologist fake-annoyedly searches for something in pockets]]\n\nOncologist: Here.\n[[Oncologist waves around a Mardi Gras bead necklace]]\nDelightfully Awesome Person: Woooo!\n[[Delightfully Awesome Person disrobes]]\n\n{{Title text: Favorite mastectomy breast prosthesis idea: a fake boob containing a spare rechargable battery, accessed via a nipple USB port. Complete with a ring of LED charge indicators in the areola!}}", "alt": "Favorite mastectomy breast prosthesis idea: a fake boob containing a spare rechargable battery, accessed via a nipple USB port. Complete with a ring of LED charge indicators in the areola!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/making_things_difficult.png", "title": "Making Things Difficult", "day": "28" }, { "month": "12", "num": 997, "link": "", "year": "2011", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wait Wait", "transcript": "Headlines!\nStockpiled in case Peter Sagal, host of NPR\u0027s Wait Wait Don\u0027t Tell Me, does something newsworthy in 2012.\n\n((Series of above-the-fold newspapers follows; Each has a headline, picture in most of them, and an explanation))\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Shoot Me\n[[A fierce Peter Sagal in a balaclava brandishes a gun in a supermarket]]\nNPR\u0027s Sagal in Whole Foods hostage standoff.\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Vote For Me\nPeter Sagal quits race for GOP top spot\n[[A sullen and defeated Peter Sagal surrounded by supporters admits defeat]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Judge Me\nSagal opens up about his Kermit fantasy.\n[[Stock profile images of Peter Sagal and Kermit the Frog]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Fire Me\n[[Stock profile image of Peter Sagal]]\nPeter Sagal let go after racist tirade.\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Cancel Me\nNPR axing news quiz.\n[[NPR spokesperson delivering announcement]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Interrupt Me\nSagal stabs Carl Kasell in on-air dispute.\n[[Peter Sagal mid-attack with a knife]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Look At Me\n[[Peter Sagal with a skin condition]]\nPeter Sagal\u0027s Poison Ivy Ordeal\nPeter Sagal: \"My \u0027Nam\"\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Friend Me\nPeter Sagal deletes his Facebook account.\n[[Person holding up a laptop with an \"Facebook account not found\" screen]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Seduce Me\nHow Lakshmi Singh stole Sagal\u0027s Heart.\n[[A wistful Lakshmi Singh being left by a sullen Peter Sagal]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Leave Me\n[[A wistful Peter Sagal being left by a furious Beth Sagal]]\nSagal\u0027s wife out after affair\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Spray Me\nPolice Raid Sagal\u0027s Occupy NPR protest\n[[Scummy policeman in riot gear spraying Peter Sagal in the face point blank with what is essentially a food product]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Indict Me\nSagal, five others named in cash-for-tote-bags scandal \n[[Peter Sagal doing a perp walk]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Clone Me\nPeter Sagal \u0027Outraged\u0027 over DNA harvesting.\n[[Fiery Peter Sagal, missing a small amount of DNA, at a podium]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Bust Me\nPeter Sagal\u0027s ghost captured\n[[Ghostbusters, careful not to cross the streams, capture the ghost of Peter Sagal]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Dissect Me\nSnoozing Sagal nearly snuffed in autopsy snafu\n[[Peter Sagal running away from from a very surprised pathologist]]\nPeter Sagal: \"I ain\u0027t dead!\"\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Objectify Me\nPeter Sagal is more than just a piece of meat\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Beatify Me\n[[Peter Sagal shakes his fist at a picture of the pope]]\nPeter Sagal Rebukes Pope\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Me\nPeter Sagal Accidentally\n[[Peter Sagal in a blank vacant]]\n\nWait Wait Don\u0027t Speak Its Name\n[[eyes... Eyes... AAAHHH]]\nPeter Sagal wakes Eldritch terror\nPeter Sagal:\"AAAAAAAA\"\n\nWait Wait Even For NPR This Is A Bit Much\nThis American Life to document the road to recovery for those who suffer the trauma of losing on Wait Wait\n\n{{Title text: You can\u0027t stab Karl Kasell. He sounds all slow and stentorian, but he moves like a snake.}}", "alt": "You can\u0027t stab Carl Kasell. He sounds all slow and stentorian, but he moves like a snake.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wait_wait.png", "title": "Wait Wait", "day": "30" }, { "month": "1", "num": 998, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "2012", "transcript": "[[Two characters are talking.]]\nLeft: Well, it\u0027s 2012.\n\n((This panel has no upper and lower borders.))\nRight: Yup.\nRight: Only 354 days left until everybody abruptly stops talking about Mayans.\n\nLeft: Or thinking about Mayans.\nLeft: Or acknowledging that huge city-building ancient American civilizations existed at all.\nRight: You know what they say - those who fail to learn from history can still manage a 3.0 if they ace their other subjects.\n\n{{Title text: To compensate for this, I plan to spend 2013 doing nothing but talking about Mayans. My relationships with my friends and family may not fare well.}}", "alt": "To compensate for this, I plan to spend 2013 doing nothing but talking about Mayans. My relationships with my friends and family may not fare well.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2012.png", "title": "2012", "day": "2" }, { "month": "1", "num": 999, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cougars", "transcript": "[[Parent is sitting at a computer; child is standing behind.]]\nParent: Whoa, ever seen Wikipedia\u0027s list of people who were attacked and killed by cougars?\nParent: Crazy how many of them were kids who were just playing outside their houses.\nReason #58 I should never have children: My love of learning and sharing knowledge about the world.\n\n{{Title text: If you\u0027re lying in bed tonight and you see yellow eyes glinting in your window, are you being stalked by a puma, a mountain lion, a panther, a catamount, or a cougar? Trick question--in North America, they\u0027re all names for the same species, Puma concolor! Isn\u0027t learning fun? Anyway, sleep tight!}}", "alt": "If you\u0027re lying in bed tonight and you see yellow eyes glinting in your window, are you being stalked by a puma, a mountain lion, a panther, a catamount, or a cougar? Trick question--in North America, they\u0027re all names for the same species, Puma concolor! Isn\u0027t learning fun? Anyway, sleep tight!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cougars.png", "title": "Cougars", "day": "4" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1000, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1000/large/", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "1000 Comics", "transcript": "[[1000 characters, numerous of which have appeared previously in other comics, are arranged to create the number \"1000\". Two more people stand in the foreground commenting on the formation]]\n\nPerson 1: WOOOO!\nPerson 2: Wow - Just 24 to go until a big round-number milestone!\n\n{{Title text: Thank you for making me feel less alone.}}", "alt": "Thank you for making me feel less alone.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/1000_comics.png", "title": "1000 Comics", "day": "6" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1001, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "AAAAAA", "transcript": "[[Person 1 clinging onto something while being dragged away by some unknown force]]\nPerson 1: AAAAAAAAAA\n\n[[Person 2 similarly clinging on]]\nPerson 2: AAAAAAAAAA\n\n[[Overhead shot of both spinning around a plain white circle in a room with other accoutrements]]\nBoth: AAAAAAAA\n\nEarlier that day...\nPerson 1: Haha, check it out - This guy\u0027s mansion has an actual rotating bed.\nPerson 2: You know, I bet it wouldn\u0027t be too hard to build one of those...\n\n{{Title text: \u0027ARE YOU TURNED ON YET?\u0027 \u0027I DON\u0027T THINK SO--ARE YOU?\u0027 \u0027MAYBE A LITTLE!\u0027 \u0027OK, FIVE MORE MINUTES.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027ARE YOU TURNED ON YET?\u0027 \u0027I DON\u0027T THINK SO--ARE YOU?\u0027 \u0027MAYBE A LITTLE!\u0027 \u0027OK, FIVE MORE MINUTES.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/aaaaaa.png", "title": "AAAAAA", "day": "9" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1002, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Game AIs", "transcript": "Difficulty of Various Games for Computers\n\n[[A diagram. The left column describes various levels of skill for the most capable computers in decreasing performance against humans. The right side lists games in each particular section, in increasing game difficulty. There are labels denoting the hard and easy ends of the diagram.]]\n\nEasy\n Solved - Computers can play perfectly\n Solved for all possible positions\n Tic-Tac-Toe\n NIM\n Ghost(1989)\n Connect Four(1995)\n Solved for starting positions\n Gomoku\n Checkers(2007)\n\n Computers can beat top humans\n Scrabble\n CounterStrike\n Beer Pong (UIUC robot)\n Reversi\n Chess (February 10, 1996 - First win by computer against top human; November 21, 2005 - Last win by human against top computer)\n Jeopardy\n\n Computers still lose to top humans (but focused R\u0026D could change this)\n Starcraft\n Poker\n Arimaa\n Go\n\n Computers may *never* outplay humans\n Snakes and Ladders\n Mao\n Seven Minutes in Heaven\n Calvinball\nHard\n\n{{Title text: The top computer champion at Seven Minutes in Heaven is a Honda-built Realdoll, but to date it has been unable to outperform the human Seven Minutes in Heaven champion, Ken Jennings.}}", "alt": "The top computer champion at Seven Minutes in Heaven is a Honda-built Realdoll, but to date it has been unable to outperform the human Seven Minutes in Heaven champion, Ken Jennings.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/game_ais.png", "title": "Game AIs", "day": "11" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1003, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Adam and Eve", "transcript": "Adam: It\u0027s Adam and Eve, not *Abel* and Eve!!\nAdam was freaked out by what he\u0027d just walked in on.\n\n{{Title text: Abel and Steve would\u0027ve been fine! I like Steve!}}", "alt": "Abel and Steve would\u0027ve been fine! I like Steve!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/adam_and_eve.png", "title": "Adam and Eve", "day": "13" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1004, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Batman", "transcript": "((One panel, depicting three wavy circles. The one in the center is slightly larger, and the ones on either side are higher up. Their edges are touching.))\n\n[[The left circle has Bruce Wayne in the foreground, with Alfred in the background.]]\nAlfred: Know your limits, Master Wayne.\nBruce: A man dressed like a bat \nhas\n no limits.\n\n[[The center circle has a close-up on Batman in his cowl.]]\nSomeone off-screen: \nWhat the hell are you?\n\nBatman: I\u0027m a man dressed like a bat.\n\n[[In the right circle is The Joker.]]\nOff-screen: \nWhat do you propose?\n\nJoker: It\u0027s simple - we kill a man dressed like a bat.\n\nMy Hobby: Whenever anyone says \"Batman,\" I mentally replace it with \"a man dressed like a bat.\"\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m really worried Christopher Nolan will kill a man dressed like a bat in his next movie. (The man will be dressed like a bat, I mean. Christopher Nolan won\u0027t be, probably.)}}", "alt": "I\u0027m really worried Christopher Nolan will kill a man dressed like a bat in his next movie. (The man will be dressed like a bat, I mean. Christopher Nolan won\u0027t be, probably.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/batman.png", "title": "Batman", "day": "16" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1005, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "SOPA", "transcript": "[don\u0027t censor the web]\n[[Hidden in the background of the above text is Black Hat Guy, delivering the following:\nA message from sysadmins everywhere:\nSeriously, don\u0027t screw with DNS. If you break this internet, we are *not* making you a new one.]]\nI make my living drawing xkcd, which wouldn\u0027t have been possible if people hadn\u0027t been able to freely share my comics with each other all over the internet. As a copyright holder and small business owner, I oppose SOPA and PIPA. See the links below to learn more.\n[[Randall Munroe\u0027s signature, with a little drawing of himself on one of the tails]]\n\n{{Title text: In protest of SOPA, I\u0027m currently getting totally blacked out.}}", "alt": "In protest of SOPA, I\u0027m currently getting totally blacked out.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sopa.png", "title": "SOPA", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "", "post": "\n\u003cbr/\u003e\nLearn more:\u003cbr /\u003e\nEFF: \u003ca href=\"https://www.eff.org/sites/default/files/One-Page-SOPA_0.pdf\"\u003eOne-page guide to SOPA\u003c/a\u003e\u003cbr /\u003e\nreddit: \u003ca href=\"http://blog.reddit.com/2012/01/technical-examination-of-sopa-and.html\"\u003eA technical overview of the SOPA and PIPA bills\u003c/a\u003e\u003cbr /\u003e\nDYN: \u003ca href=\"http://dyn.com/sopa-breaking-dns-parasite-stop-online-piracy/\"\u003eHow these bills would break DNS\u003c/a\u003e\u003cbr /\u003e\nEFF: \u003ca href=\"https://www.eff.org/free-speech-weak-link\"\u003eFree speech on the web\u003c/a\u003e\u003cbr /\u003e\n\u003cbr /\u003e\nAct:\u003cbr /\u003e\n\u003ca href=\"http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml\"\u003eContact information for US elected officials\u003c/a\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "18" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1006, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sloppier Than Fiction", "transcript": "Douchebag with a goatee and a bad haircut: Even though it technically *wasn\u0027t* cheating, she dumped me anyway! So I tell Bret, and he\u0027s like \"She sounds just like my crazy ex.\" And I was like, \"dude, what was her name?\" and it was the *same girl*. I swear, if they made my life into a movie, no one would believe it.\nPerson 2: Yeah, though mostly because of the poorly-written dialogue and unlikeable main character.\n\n{{Title text: Roger Ebert once called you directionless and unwatchable.}}", "alt": "Roger Ebert once called you directionless and unwatchable.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sloppier_than_fiction.png", "title": "Sloppier Than Fiction", "day": "20" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1007, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sustainable", "transcript": "Frequency of use of the word \"sustainable\" in US English text, as a percentage of all words, by year. Source: Google NGrams.\n[[A two-axis graph with percentages increasing logarithmically (from 0.000001% to 1,000%) on the Y-axis, and years progressing linearly (from 1950 to 2140) on the X-axis. Actual data points show a high correlation from 0.00001 at 1950 to 0.001% at present day. Extrapolated data points exist for the future. 2036 (approx. 0.1%): \"sustainable\" occurs an average of once per page. 2061(approx. 1%): \"sustainable\" occurs an average of once per sentence. 2109(approx. 100%) All sentences are just the word \"sustainable\" over and over.]]\nThe word \"sustainable\" is unsustainable.\n\n{{Title text: Though 100 years is longer than a lot of our resources.}}", "alt": "Though 100 years is longer than a lot of our resources.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sustainable.png", "title": "Sustainable", "day": "23" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1008, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Suckville", "transcript": "[[A girl is kneeling on the floor, playing a card game.]]\nGirl: Hah! -- Welcome to Suckville - population: \nyou.\n\n\n[[A guy is sitting on the floor opposite her, also playing the game.]]\nGuy: Why are you using 2000 census data? -- That\u0027s an old figure.\n\n[[The girl turns around from the game to look at her laptop, which is sitting on the floor behind her.]]\nGirl: I couldn\u0027t find Suckville in the 2010 census.\nGuy: Huh? It\u0027s right there in SF-1 table P1.\nGirl: Oh. So it is.\n\n[[The girl turns back to the guy, who is looking at his cards.]]\nGirl: Well, then. Welcome to Suckville - population: 83.\nGuy: Much better.\n\n{{Title text: Suckville is considered by the Census Bureau to be part of the Detroit metropolitan statistical area, despite not being located anywhere near Detroit.}}", "alt": "Suckville is considered by the Census Bureau to be part of the Detroit metropolitan statistical area, despite not being located anywhere near Detroit.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/suckville.png", "title": "Suckville", "day": "25" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1009, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sigh", "transcript": "[[Guy is standing behind girl, who\u0027s sitting and watching TV.]]\nGuy: Hey, is that Downtown Abbey? What town is it in the downtown of, anyway?\nGirl: *siiiiiiiigh*\nGuy: --girl look at that body.\nWe should thank LMFAO for giving us such a great way to respond to exasperated sighs.\n\n{{Title text: If you\u0027re annoying enough, you can get them to respond with an involuntary second sigh and get a rhythm going.}}", "alt": "If you\u0027re annoying enough, you can get them to respond with an involuntary second sigh and get a rhythm going.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sigh.png", "title": "Sigh", "day": "27" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1010, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Etymology-Man", "transcript": "Person 1: Earthquake!\nPerson 2: We should get to a higher ground - There could be a tidal wave.\n\n[[Person 1 takes a pedantic pose]]\nPerson 1: You mean a tsunami. \"Tidal wave\" means a wave caused by tides.\n\n[[A crash is heard, followed by Etymology-Man flying in while wearing a cape]]\nEtymology-man: You know, that doesn\u0027t add up.\nPerson 1 and Person 2: Etymology-man!\n\n[[Etymology-man takes a pedantic pose]]\nEtymology-man: What *does* \"tidal wave\" mean? There are waves caused by tides, but they\u0027re \"tidal bores\", and they\u0027re not cataclysmic. It can refer to the daily tide cycle, but that\u0027s obviously not what people mean when they say \"a tidal wave hit\". It\u0027s been obvious for centuries that these waves come from quakes. So why \"tidal\"?\n\nEtymology-man: Remember that until 2004, there weren\u0027t any clear photos or videos of tsunamis. Some modern writers even described them rearing up and breaking like surfing waves. Of course, in 2004 and 2011, it was made clear to everyone that a tsunami is more like a rapid, turbulent, inrushing tide - exactly what historical accounts describe.\n\n[[Water begins to rush in. Etymology-man keeps his pedantic pose]]\nEtymology-man: Maybe those writing about Lisbon in 1755 used \"tidal wave\" not out of scientific confusion, but because it described the wave\u0027s form - a description lost in our rush to expunge \"tidal wave\" from English.\n\n[[The water is now waist-deep. Etymology-man continues to drone on, but the others start to panic]]\nEtymology-man: \"Tsunami\" is now the standard, and I\u0027m not trying to change that. But let\u0027s be a tad less giddy about correcting \"tidal wave\" - especially when \"tsunami\" just means \"harbor wave\", which is hardly...\n\n{{Title text: \u0027I can\u0027t believe I\u0027m saying this, but I wish Aquaman were here instead--HE\u0027D be able to help.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027I can\u0027t believe I\u0027m saying this, but I wish Aquaman were here instead--HE\u0027D be able to help.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/etymology_man.png", "title": "Etymology-Man", "day": "30" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1011, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Baby Names", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a desk, thinking with his hand on his chin, his other hand holding a pen over a piece of paper. A woman stands behind him, looking over his shoulder, also with her hand on her chin.]] \n((Above the drawing is the list they are writing, in handwriting.))\n\nNames for daughter\n1. Ponzi\n2. Eeemily\n3. Fire Fire\n4. Chipotla\n5. Astamouthe\n6. Eggsperm\n7. [sound of record scratch]\n8. Parsley\n9. Hot\u0027n\u0027Juicy Ann\n10. Ovary\n11. Friendly\n12. Sean (pronounced \"seen\")\n13. Joyst\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027ve been trying for a couple years now but I haven\u0027t been able to come up with a name dumber than \u0027Renesmee\u0027.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ve been trying for a couple years now but I haven\u0027t been able to come up with a name dumber than \u0027Renesmee\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/baby_names.png", "title": "Baby Names", "day": "1" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1012, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wrong Superhero", "transcript": "[[A giant praying mantis and its legion of regular-sized praying mantises attacks a team of scientists. Two of them fight back, with a gun and a baseball bat respectively, while a third is in the mantis\u0027 clutches, held aloft by his foot, his goggles falling off his face. Bullets whiz by the giant mantis\u0027 head, and a fourth scientist hides behind a desk, on which rests a microscope and an Erlenmeyer flask. A man in a cape approaches the hiding scientist.]]\nCaped man: Ah, no -- you wanted \nENTO\nmology-Man, spelled with an \"N.\" See, it\u0027s from the Greek \nentomon\n, meaning \"insect,\" which is itself the neuter form of \nentomos\n, meaning \"segmented\" or...\n\u003c\u003cBLAM BLAM BLAM\u003e\u003e\n{{Title text: Hi! Someone call for me? I\u0027m a superhero who specializes in the study of God\u0027s creation of Man in the Book of Genesi-- HOLY SHIT A GIANT BUG!}}", "alt": "Hi! Someone call for me? I\u0027m a superhero who specializes in the study of God\u0027s creation of Man in the Book of Genesi-- HOLY SHIT A GIANT BUG!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wrong_superhero.png", "title": "Wrong Superhero", "day": "3" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1013, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wake Up Sheeple", "transcript": "[[A man yells into a megaphone.]]\nMan: Your government has turned against you! Corporations control your every thought! - Open your eyes!\n\n[[Head-on view of man with megaphone.]]\nMan: Wake up, sheeple! Wake up, sheeple! - WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!!\n\n((in between two panels))\n[[The man takes the megaphone away from his mouth.]]\n\u003c\u003cRUMBLE\u003e\u003e\n\n[[A half-sheep\nhalf-man creature rises through the cracking earth, holding aloft a gnarled staff.]]\n\u003c\u003cB-A-A-A-A-A...\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Close-up on the sheep-man\u0027s eye.]]\n\nTEN THOUSAND YEARS WE SLUMBERED... NOW WE RIIIIIIIISE baaaaaaa\n\n\n[[A clearly upset woman goes up to the man with the megaphone, hands held out in front of her plaintively.]]\nWoman: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD \nWHY DID YOU DO THAT?!\n\nMan: What? But I didn\u0027t-\nOut-of-frame #1: He awoke the Sheeple!\nOOF #2: Heaven forgive us!\nOOF #3: All is lost!\n\n{{Title text: Your will be led to judgement like lambs to the slaughter--a simile whose existence, I might add, will not do your species any favors.}}", "alt": "You will be led to judgement like lambs to the slaughter--a simile whose existence, I might add, will not do your species any favors.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wake_up_sheeple.png", "title": "Wake Up Sheeple", "day": "6" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1014, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Car Problems", "transcript": "[[Person 1 stands in front of a projection of a car, with an audience of 3 people. One of the people is the Black Hat Man.]]\nPerson 1: Attention Please. This is a photo of my car as of two weeks ago.\n\n[[Same person in front of a new projection of the same car engulfed in flames]]\nPerson 1: And *this* is my car as I found it this morning. Can anyone tell me what\u0027s wrong with this picture?\n\n[[The audience ponders]]\n\nPerson 2: The white balance, for one. \nPerson 3: Focus is a bit too close.\nBlack Hat Man: The chromatic abberation suggests you bought your camera because it had \"The most megapixels\".\n\nPerson 1: THE CAR IS ON FIRE!\ncomment from audience: Maybe you should use the insurance money to get a better camera.\ncomment from different person: yeah\n\n{{Title text: Or if you replace your car, we\u0027ll be happy to set it on fire again so you can take another crack at getting that shot.}}", "alt": "Or if you replace your car, we\u0027ll be happy to set it on fire again so you can take another crack at getting that shot.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/car_problems.png", "title": "Car Problems", "day": "8" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1015, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kerning", "transcript": "[[Some IDIOT used a font with TERRIBLE kerning on the side of a building for a sign labeled \"CITY OFFICES\". Only.. you aren\u0027t even frickin\u0027 sure because of this terrible kerning, as the \"C\" and the \"I\" in \"CITY\" have waaay too strong kerning. And so do the \"C\" and the \"E\" in \"OFFICES\", to the point that it actually looks like TWO words. And the I and the C are so close together, they almost look like a freakish K! Two people stand in front of this sign. One notices all these obvious flaws, while the other exists in peaceful ignorance.]]\nPerson 1: *Argh*!\nPerson 2: what?\nIf you really hate someone, teach them to recognize bad kerning.\n\n{{Title text: I have never been as self-conscious about my handwriting as when I was inking in the caption for this comic.}}", "alt": "I have never been as self-conscious about my handwriting as when I was inking in the caption for this comic.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kerning.png", "title": "Kerning", "day": "10" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1016, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Valentine Dilemma", "transcript": "[[A man, hand on chin, thinking aloud to himself.]]\nMan: Flowers seem so ... trite. Something homemade? Easy to look halfhearted.\n\n[[A woman sits at her computer, one arm leaning on the back of her chair, the other hand on her chin, thinking aloud.]]\nWoman: Valentine\u0027s Day is a corporate construct. - But hard to opt out of. - I don\u0027t want to be a consumer tool \nor\n an inconsiderate jerk.\n\n[[The man walks down the street, still thinking aloud.]]\nMan: How do I fight cliché? I could get her a gift on a \ndifferent\n day. - But what am I proving? \n\n[[The woman is leaning back in her chair, playing with a stapler.]]\nWoman: It\u0027s such a contrived ritual. But maybe rituals are necessary social glue.\n\n[[The man puts his hands to his face in panic.]]\nMan: Forty presents. No, \nnone!\n No, give her five items then steal two from her. - Ok, breathe. Keep it together.\n\n[[The woman is also panicking, one hand to her face, the other still holding the stapler.]]\nWoman: And what if he gets me something I don\u0027t reciprocate? - Prisoners Dilemma! - AAAAAAAAAA!!\n\n[[The man and woman meet. The man is holding a basket and a jar of hammers. The woman\u0027s hand is stuck to her face.]]\nMan: I got you Easter candy and a jar of hammers.\nWoman: I panicked and stapled my hand to my face.\nMan: We overthought this.\nWoman: Yes.\n\n{{Title text: The worst resolution to the Valentine Prisoner\u0027s Dilemma when YOU decide not to give your partner a present but your PARTNER decides to testify against you in the armed robbery case.}}", "alt": "The worst resolution to the Valentine Prisoner\u0027s Dilemma when YOU decide not to give your partner a present but your PARTNER decides to testify against you in the armed robbery case.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/valentine_dilemma.png", "title": "Valentine Dilemma", "day": "13" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1017, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1017/spreadsheet/", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Backward in Time", "transcript": "When I have a boring task to get through -- a three-hour lecture, a giant file download, or a long term point goal in fitocracy -- I use this formula to convert the percentage completed (p) into a date:\n\nT=(Current Date) - (e^(20.344p^3) - e^3) years\n\nWhen the task is 0% done, it gives today\u0027s date, and as I make progress, I move further and further back in time\n\n((inverse given in lighter colors))\nInverse: p = sqrt((ln(T+e^3)-3)\n(20.3444))\n\n[[Line Graph explaining the correlation between completion percentages and temporal deltas.\n0% = now ((Date of comic is 2012-02-14T00:00-0500, approx. 1329195600 UNIX))\n10% = September 2011\n20% = 2008\n30% = 1997\n40% = 1958\n50% = 1776\n60% = 405 AD\n70% = 22,000 years ago\n80% = 671,000 years ago\n90% = 55 million years ago\n100% = 13.8 billion years ago\n]]\n\nIt moves slowly through the first few years, then steadily accelerates. I tuned the formula so the time spent in each part of the past is loosely proportional to how well I know it. This means I hit familiar landmarks with each bit of progress, giving me a satisfying sense of movement.\n\n((The following are panels detailing completion percentages, correlated time periods, and notable events from this time period))\n\n7.308% December 18, 2011\nAround this time:\nKim Jong-Il dies. US leaves Iraq.\n\n31.12% February 1995\nAround this time:\nWindows 95 debuts. OJ found not guilty.\n\n47.91% 1844\nAround this time:\nRubber vulcanized, bicycle invented, wrench patented.\n\n70.33% 24,000 years ago\nAround this time:\nCaves painted, ceramic art made. Neanderthals extinct.\n\n90.42% 68 million years ago\nAround this time:\nFirst flowering plants. Chicxulub impact kills off most dinosaurs.\n\n100% 13.76 billion years ago\nAround this time:\nUniverse begins. First stars ignite.\n\nDownload complete.\n\n[[Person 1 watches a download progress on a laptop in amazement and happiness. Person 2 stands nearby and looks at person 1 with a bemused posture]]\nPerson 1: Swoosh! Watching all that time blur past is such a rush!\nPerson 2: So... you\u0027ve tried to make an extreme sport out of.. *waiting*.\nPerson 1: Swoosh!\n\n{{Title text: People tell me I have too much time on my hands, but really the problem is that there\u0027s too much time, PERIOD.}}", "alt": "People tell me I have too much time on my hands, but really the problem is that there\u0027s too much time, PERIOD.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/backward_in_time.png", "title": "Backward in Time", "day": "14" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1018, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Good Cop, Dadaist Cop", "transcript": "[[Two cops look through a window into an interrogation chamber holding a handcuffed suspect ]]\nGood Cop: All right, let\u0027s try good cop, dadaist cop\n\n[[Good Cop is seated in front of the suspect]]\nGood Cop: Look, you\u0027re a good guy. We can work this out. Hey, lemme get us some coffee.\n\n[[CHANGE PLACES]]\n\n[[Dadaist Cop holds up a document of indeterminate contents and threatens the suspect with it]]\nDadaist Cop: See this? It\u0027s Mark Zuckerberg\u0027s Mortgage. So why is it written in *CHURCH LATIN*?\n\n[[Dadaist cop physically rattles the suspect]]\nDadaist Cop: *WHY ARE MY BONES SO SMALL*?\nSuspect: What\u0027s *WRONG* with you!?\nDadaist Cop: What\u0027s wrong with *ART*?\n\n{{Title text: NOW INVENT AN IMPOSSIBLE-TO-TRANSLATE LANGUAGE AND USE IT TO TELL US WHERE THE MONEY IS.}}", "alt": "NOW INVENT AN IMPOSSIBLE-TO-TRANSLATE LANGUAGE AND USE IT TO TELL US WHERE THE MONEY IS.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/good_cop_dadaist_cop.png", "title": "Good Cop, Dadaist Cop", "day": "17" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1019, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "First Post", "transcript": "[[A bar graph with two bars. The first bar is much taller than the second. It is marked \u0027$1,500,000\u0027, and below the x-axis, is labelled \"Cost to buy an ad on every story on a major news site every day until the election. The second bar is much shorter, marked \u0027$200,000\u0027, and labelled \"Cost to pay five college students $20\nhour to camp the site 24\n7 and post the first few comments the moment a story goes up, giving you the last word in every article and creating an impression of peer consensus.]]\nThe problem with posting comments in the order they\u0027re submitted.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Nuh-uh! We let users vote on comments and display them by number of votes. Everyone knows that makes it impossible for a few persistent voices to dominate the discussion.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Nuh-uh! We let users vote on comments and display them by number of votes. Everyone knows that makes it impossible for a few persistent voices to dominate the discussion.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/first_post.png", "title": "First Post", "day": "20" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1020, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Orion Nebula", "transcript": "[[Opening speaker stands behind a lectern decorated with the indicators of the International Astronomical Union]]\nSpeaker: Welcome to IAU Symposium #279.\n\nSpeaker: We are no strangers to controversy, and we will not shy away from the tough issues. Which brings us to the subject at hand.\n\n[[An anatomically uncensored projection of the Constellation Orion appears before the speaker]]\nSpeaker: It\u0027s time to talk about the fact that Orion clearly has a dong. \nAttendee in crowd #1: It\u0027s hard to miss.\nAttendee #2: we could keep telling people it\u0027s a sword.\nAttendee #3: C\u0027mon, no one\u0027s buying that anymore.\n\n{{Title text: Also on the agenda: what\u0027s with his hips?}}", "alt": "Also on the agenda: what\u0027s with his hips?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/orion_nebula.png", "title": "Orion Nebula", "day": "22" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1021, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Business Plan", "transcript": "[[A person in a beret stands on a shoreline and takes the environment in in silent contemplation]]\n\n[[The person heads off with an idea fresh in their head]]\n\n[[The person saunters back with a jar, some bread, and a signboard]]\n\n[[The person tears the bread off into pieces]]\n\n[[The person sets up the signboard, with its contents yet to be revealed]]\n\n[[The person heads off and waits for the plan to unfold]]\n\n[[The same beach, this time with a couple walking past. One person scratches their head with a \"Whuh?\" thought. The bread has attracted quite a few birds. The jar has a \"$\" on it. The sign says: \"Gulls for sale\"]]\n\n{{Title text: The investor elevator pitch is \"Wheeeeeeee! Elevators are fun!\"}}", "alt": "The investor elevator pitch is \"Wheeeeeeee! Elevators are fun!\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/business_plan.png", "title": "Business Plan", "day": "24" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1022, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "So It Has Come To This", "transcript": "Person: We ran out of cat food.\nRoommate: SO\nRoommate: IT HAS COME TO THIS.\nProtip: If you\u0027re not sure what to say, try \"So it has come to this\"--it creates instant dramatic tension and is a valid observation in literally any situation.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Come to what?\u0027 \u0027You. Me. This moment.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Come to what?\u0027 \u0027You. Me. This moment.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/so_it_has_come_to_this.png", "title": "So It Has Come To This", "day": "27" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1023, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Late-Night PBS", "transcript": "[[Scruffy is rubbing sleep out of their eyes and talking to clean shaven.]]\nScruffy: Have you ever watched PBS late at night?\nScruffy: I fell asleep after \nDownton\n and woke up at like 3 AM.\n\n[[The upper portion of the panel continues dialogue, while the lower shows a drunk gameshow host and several contestants. The monitor shows a field of crosses, presumably graves.]]\nScruffy: \nWhere in the World is Carmen Sandiego\n was back on, except the host hadn\u0027t aged well and he\u0027d clearly been drinking.\nScruffy: Every question took them to some horrible place like Mogadishu or the Cambodian killing fields.\n\n[[Now it shows a bookshelf revealing a hidden room.]]\nScruffy: The kids were freaked out, but they kept playing. Eventually they were told they\u0027d found Carmen Sandiego hiding behind a bookshelf in a Dutch apartment.\n\nScruffy: The Chief appeared and asked \"Are you \nproud\n of what you\u0027ve become?\"\nScruffy: Then Rockapella walked out and just glared at the kids until they started crying.\nClean-shaven: I, uh, don\u0027t remember the old show being that dark.\nScruffy: Maybe we were too young to pick up on it.\n\n{{Title text: Then it switched to these old black-and-white tapes of Bob Ross slumped against the wall of an empty room, painting the least happy trees you\u0027ve ever seen. Either PBS needs to beef up studio security or I need to stop using Ambien to sleep.}}", "alt": "Then it switched to these old black-and-white tapes of Bob Ross slumped against the wall of an empty room, painting the least happy trees you\u0027ve ever seen. Either PBS needs to beef up studio security or I need to stop using Ambien to sleep.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/late_night_pbs.png", "title": "Late-Night PBS", "day": "29" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1024, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Error Code", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a computer, while another man takes a book off a shelf behind him.]]\nMan #1: \"Error -41\"? That\u0027s helpful. It doesn\u0027t even say which program it\u0027s from!\nMan #2: -41? I\u0027ll look it up...\n\n[[The second man looks at the book.]]\nMan #2: It says -41 is: \"Sit by a lake.\" \n\n[[The two walk.]]\n\n[[The two sit down.]]\n\n[[A large, in-color painting of a lake with pond lilies.]]\n\n[[The two are still sitting.]]\nMan #1: I don\u0027t know where you got that book, but I like it.\nMan #2: Hasn\u0027t been wrong yet.\n\n{{Title text: It has a section on motherboard beep codes that lists, for each beep pattern, a song that syncs up well with it.}}", "alt": "It has a section on motherboard beep codes that lists, for each beep pattern, a song that syncs up well with it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/error_code.png", "title": "Error Code", "day": "2" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1025, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tumblr", "transcript": "Person 1: You know those weird noises coming from my attic? Turns out some raccoons got in and were operating this, like, raccoon sex dungeon.\nPerson 2: ...dot tumblr cot com.\nFor me, \"...Dot tumblr dot com\" has been gradually replacing \"would be a good name for a band.\"\n\n{{Title text: Dot Tumblr Dot Com, on the other hand, would be an awful name for a band, if only because of how hard it would be to direct people to your band\u0027s website.}}", "alt": "Dot Tumblr Dot Com, on the other hand, would be an awful name for a band, if only because of how hard it would be to direct people to your band\u0027s website.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tumblr.png", "title": "Tumblr", "day": "5" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1026, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Compare and Contrast", "transcript": "[[A checklist comparing thee to a summer\u0027s day:\nFair, Temperate:Thee \u0026 A Summer\u0027s Day\nHot, Sticky: Thee \u0026 A Summer\u0027s Day\nShort: Thee\nHarbinger of Hurricane Season: A Summer\u0027s Day\nRequired for a Good Beach Party; Thee \u0026 A Summer\u0027s Day\nMajor Cause of Heat Stroke in the Elderly: A Summer\u0027s Day\nLinked to Higher Rates of Juvenile Delinquency: Thee \u0026 A Summer\u0027s Day\nSometimes Too Stifling: Thee \u0026 A Summer\u0027s Day\nArrested for Releasing Snakes in Library: Thee\nDifficult to Focus on Work While I\u0027m In: Thee \u0026 A Summer\u0027s Day\n]]\n\n{{Title text: Frankly, I see no difference between thee and a summer\u0027s day. Only Ron Paul offers a TRUE alternative!}}", "alt": "Frankly, I see no difference between thee and a summer\u0027s day. Only Ron Paul offers a TRUE alternative!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/compare_and_contrast.png", "title": "Compare and Contrast", "day": "7" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1027, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pickup Artist", "transcript": "[[Two guys sit and enjoy some beverages while making conversation]]\nPickup Artist.: I\u0027ve been learning tricks from pickup artist forums.\nNormal Guy: Pickup artists are dehumanizing creeps who see relationships as adversarial and women as sex toys\n\n[[The camera angle changes to show another pair of people in the background. One is a woman; the other is Black Hat Man.]]\nPickup Artist: No, it\u0027s just a bunch of tips! Like \"Negging\": You belittle chicks to undermine their self-confidence so they\u0027ll be more vulnerable and seek your approval.\n\nNormal Guy: Just talk to them like a fucking human being.\nPickup Artist: Nah, that\u0027s a sucker\u0027s game. Ok - wish me luck!\n\nMeanwhile...\n[[Focus changes to the table with the second pair. Black Hat Man gets from his chair and carries a bowling ball with him.]]\nBlack Hat Man: I\u0027m going to the bathroom to roll a bowling ball down under the line of stalls.\nWoman: Cool.\n\n[[Normal Guy looks at Pickup Artist approaching Woman with dread at the scene that\u0027s about to happen]]\nNormal Guy: Oh no.\n\n[[Pickup Artist takes a smarmy stance at Woman]]\nPickup Artist: You look like you\u0027re on a diet. That\u0027s great! How\u0027s the fruit plate?\n\nWoman: Ooh - are we negging? Let me try!\n\nWoman: You look like you\u0027re going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you\u0027ve finally figured out what\u0027s holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around. But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn\u0027t due to some obstacle. It\u0027s who you *are*. The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is *you*.\n\n[[Pickup artist looks rightfully dejected]]\nWoman: Ok, your turn! Ooh, try insulting my hair!\nPickup Artist: I think I need to go home and think about my life.\nWoman: It won\u0027t help.\n\n{{Title text: Son, don\u0027t try to play \u0027make you feel bad\u0027 with the Michael Jordan of making you feel bad.}}", "alt": "Son, don\u0027t try to play \u0027make you feel bad\u0027 with the Michael Jordan of making you feel bad.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pickup_artist.png", "title": "Pickup Artist", "day": "9" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1028, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Communication", "transcript": "[[A guy in a hat looks down at a large gap in the walkway; a thought bubble with a warning symbol and an image of the gap appears above the guy\u0027s head.]]\n\n[[The guy walks to the right, away from the gap, and encounters another guy, to which he speaks (in iconographic speech bubble form), attempting to inform him about the gap. A thought bubble appears above the other figure\u0027s head with an image of the gesturing guy.]]\n\n[[The first guy continues, waving his arms, still talking about the gap. The second guy\u0027s thought bubble continues to contain images of the first guy gesturing frantically.]]\n\n[[The second guy shrugs in a nonplussed manner, and the first guy leaves off the right side of the frame. Both have thought bubbles displaying the other\u0027s reaction.]]\n\n[[The first guy continues to the right and comes across a woman. He tells her about the reaction of the previous guy (again in iconographic form); she simultaneously tries to tell him about a gap and gestures off to the right of the frame.]]\n\n[[The first guy and the woman both leave the frame thinking of each other\u0027s reactions; the woman exiting left and the guy exiting right.]]\n\n[[The woman (still thinking about the first guy) encounters the second guy (who is also still thinking about the first guy).]]\n\n[[The pair talk about the first guy.]]\n\n[[The pair continue talking about the first guy as they exit the frame to the left.]]\n\n[[A commotion is heard from the left.]]\n\n[[The camera pans over to the left, where the pair have fallen into a gap in the walkway. A commotion is then also heard from the right.]]\n\n[[The camera pans over to the right, where the first guy has also fallen into a gap.]]\n\n[[A third guy in a beret comes across a gap in the walkway.]]\n\n[[The guy in the beret runs off the frame to the right.]]\n\n[[The guy in the beret meets a fourth guy, and tells him (in iconographic form) to come with him. The fourth guy has a thought bubble of the guy in the beret.]]\n\n[[The guy in the beret takes the fourth guy\u0027s hand and leads him along to the left. The fourth guy\u0027s thought bubble has question marks around the guy in the beret.]]\n\n[[The guy in the beret leads the fourth guy to the gap and shows him it.]]\n\n[[Both the guy in the beret and the fourth guy walk away from the gap to the right, now both thinking about the gap.]]\n\n{{Title text: Anyone who says that they\u0027re great at communicating but \u0027people are bad at listening\u0027 is confused about how communication works.}}", "alt": "Anyone who says that they\u0027re great at communicating but \u0027people are bad at listening\u0027 is confused about how communication works.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/communication.png", "title": "Communication", "day": "12" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1029, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Drawing Stars", "transcript": "HOW TO DRAW A STAR:\n[[A slightly curved line is drawn, starting with a point near the top center of the panel, and going downward and to the left at approximately a 23-degree angle, with an arrow at the end.]]\n\n[[Another slightly curved line goes up and to the right, creating a 34-degree angle with the first line.]]\nSo far so good...\n\n[[A third line goes up and to the left, creating a 58-degree angle with the last line. The drawing now sort of resembles a tent being blown over in the wind.]]\nSteady as she goes...\n\n[[The fourth line goes down and to the right, creating an approximately 47-degree angle with the last line, and our star is beginning to look a bit askew.]]\n...uh oh.\n\n\nShitshitshit\n\n[[The fifth line comes up at a 48-degree angle, completely missing the first point by a mile, and our star has failed spectacularly.]]\n\nABORT!\n\n\nABORT!\n\n\n{{Title text: Screw these 36-degree angles. I\u0027m converting to Judaism.}}", "alt": "Screw these 36-degree angles. I\u0027m converting to Judaism.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/drawing_stars.png", "title": "Drawing Stars", "day": "14" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1030, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Keyed", "transcript": "[[Two people are walking along]]\nPerson 1: I broke up with him yesterday\nPerson 2: That weird guy with the beret? Did he take it okay?\n\nPerson 1: He seemed upset. He went out to my car-\nPerson 2 ((interjecting)): uh oh\nPerson 1: -and spent the whole night painting a really detailed key on the side\nPerson 2: ..wait what?\n[[Image of a person in a beret painting a giant key on the side of a car]]\n\nPerson 1: Then he woke me up to ask what I thought of it. He looked really proud. \n\nPerson 2: I ... is he playing revenge mind games?\nPerson 1; I genuinely can\u0027t tell if he remembers that we broke up.\n\n{{Title text: I was sure he was just getting revenge, but then he did the same thing to Carrie Underwood. Then he mailed me a scone. I think I\u0027m giving up dating.}}", "alt": "I was sure he was just getting revenge, but then he did the same thing to Carrie Underwood. Then he mailed me a scone. I think I\u0027m giving up dating.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/keyed.png", "title": "Keyed", "day": "16" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1031, "link": "http://wiki.xkcd.com/irc/Leopard", "year": "2012", "news": "A helpful reader has provided an \u003ca href=\"http://userscripts.org/scripts/show/128626\"\u003es/keyboard/leopard/ user script\u003c/a\u003e.", "safe_title": "s/keyboard/leopard/", "transcript": "[[Two browser windows: \nThe first is a wikipedia article on computer leopards. Visible text: \n\"[...]which range from pocket sized leopards to large desktop leopards, the leopard remains the most common user input device. In addition to text entry, specialized leopards are used for computer gaming. While many computer interfaces rely on mice or touchscreens, UNIX-style command-line interfaces require users to interact with a leopard.\" There is a picture of the venerable, highly durable IBM Model M Leopard.\nThe second is a messageboard discussing leopard issues. Listed topics include:\n\"Weird, my leopard just switched to Chinese\"\n\"I work with one leopard on my desk and another in the leopard tray\"\n\"Ever cleaned a leopard? They\u0027re *filthy*\"\n\"The iPhone virtual leopard is the fastest IMO\"\n\"I rarely email from my phone - I\u0027m so slow when I\u0027m not on a leopard\"\n\"My leopard died when I spilled tea on it :(\"]]\nThe Internet got 100 times better when, thanks to an extension with a typo\u0027d regex, my browser started replacing the word \"keyboard\" with \"leopard\".\n\n{{Title text: Problem Exists Between Leopard And Chair}}", "alt": "Problem Exists Between Leopard And Chair", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/s_keyboard_leopard.png", "title": "s/keyboard/leopard/", "day": "19" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1032, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Networking", "transcript": "[[A man approaches white beret man at a party and they extend arms to shake hands. WBM is holding a metal briefcase. There is a waitress in the background, carrying a tray with a wine glass on it.]]\nMan: I\u0027m Connr Clark, CTO at Eusocial Median Ventures.\nWhite Beret: I\u0027m a business professional! Earlier I photocopied a burrito!\n\n[[The man man hands WBM a business card. WBM takes it and hands the man another business card. WBM has put his suitcase on the floor.]]\nMan: You should check us out! Here\u0027s my card.\nWhite Beret: Here\u0027s mine! -- Networking!\n\n[[The man takes a closer look at the card, and WBM holds up his case.]]\nMan: ...This just says \"This is my business card!\" \nWhite Beret: Do you like it? I have more in my handlebox.\n\n[[WBM puts his case on a table and opens it to reveal it is full of cash. The man looks on in shock.]]\nMan: Uh, that\u0027s ok, I think I\u0027ll--\nWhite Beret: Here, have ten of them!\nMan: --holy shit that thing is full of \ncash!\n\n\n[[The man raises his arms in excitement. WBM turns to face him and chews on something.]]\nMan: Where did you \nget\n that?\nWhite Beret: I am a business grown-up who makes business profits!\nMan: That\u0027s like a quarter of a million dollars!\nWhite Beret: Yay! Business is fun! -- Do you have more of your cards? They\u0027re \ndelicious!\n\n\n{{Title text: Our company is agile and lean with a focus on the long tail. Ok, our company is actually a polecat I found in my backyard.}}", "alt": "Our company is agile and lean with a focus on the long tail. Ok, our company is actually a polecat I found in my backyard.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/networking.png", "title": "Networking", "day": "21" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1033, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Formal Logic", "transcript": "[[Vehicle with a bumper sticker:\n\"Honk iff you love formal logic\"]]\n\n{{Title text: Note that this implies you should NOT honk solely because I stopped for a pedestrian and you\u0027re behind me.}}", "alt": "Note that this implies you should NOT honk solely because I stopped for a pedestrian and you\u0027re behind me.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/formal_logic.png", "title": "Formal Logic", "day": "23" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1034, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Share Buttons", "transcript": "[[A series of article titles with four share buttons underneath each: Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, and Google+]]\nBreaking Into Stand-up Comedy\nFB: 3, Twitter: 1,781, Reddit: 2, G+: 0\n\nHow the Christian Right Threatens Wikipedia\nFB: 1, Twitter: 0, Reddit: 2,241, G+: 3\n\nBoycott Facebook Today!\nFB: 248k, Twitter: 0, Reddit: 0, G+: 74\n\nDIY: Installing a Custom ROM on a Realdoll\nFB: 0, Twitter: 0, Reddit: 0, G+: 2\n\n{{Title text: The only post to acheive perfect balance between the four was a hilarious joke about Mark Zuckerberg getting caught using a pseudonym to sneak past the TSA.}}", "alt": "The only post to achieve perfect balance between the four was a hilarious joke about Mark Zuckerberg getting caught using a pseudonym to sneak past the TSA.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/share_buttons.png", "title": "Share Buttons", "day": "26" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1035, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cadbury Eggs", "transcript": "[[Two Cadbury eggs, one in the foil, the other out of the foil and broken open to reveal the gooey center.]]\nA Cadbury egg has about 20g of sugar. (25, Outside the US) \"One Cadbury Egg\" is a nice unit of sugar content.\n\n[[A can of soda with an equals sign and two eggs; a bottle of soda with an equals sign and three eggs.]]\nOne 12oz. can of soda has about two Cadbury eggs worth of sugar. One 20oz. bottle has three.\n\n[[Two unwrapped Cadbury eggs, with an arrow indicating they should be placed in a glass of water.]]\nOne Cadburry egg is enough to make me feel kinda gross. Now when I see Coke or Snapple or Nestea or whatever, I imagine drinking a couple of dissolved cadbury eggs.\n\n[[A woman puts her hand to her chin in thought, a man has his arms out in exclamation.]]\nWoman: Wow. Huh. So the takeaway is... I can eat Cadbury eggs by the handful all season and feel no worse about it than I do about soda?\nMan: That\u0027s not really--\nWoman: This is \nawesome!\n\nMan: *sigh*\n\n{{Title text: When they moved production from New Zealand to the UK and switched from the runny white centers to the thick, frosting-like filling, it got way harder to cook them scrambled.}}", "alt": "When they moved production from New Zealand to the UK and switched from the runny white centers to the thick, frosting-like filling, it got way harder to cook them scrambled.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cadbury_eggs.png", "title": "Cadbury Eggs", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1036, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reviews", "transcript": "Shopping before online reviews:\n[[A man and a woman stand in a store. The man points at a lamp on the table in front of him. There is another lamp on the table behind them.]]\nMan: This lamp is pretty.\nWoman: And affordable.\nMan: Let\u0027s get it.\nWoman: Ok! \n\nShopping now: \n[[The man points at a lamp on the table in front of him. The woman looks at her phone.]]\nMan: This lamp is pretty.\nWoman: It\u0027s got 1 1\n2 stars on Amazon. Reviews all say to avoid that brand.\n\n[[The man and woman are now both looking at their phones.]]\nMan: This one has good reviews.\nWoman: Wait, one guy says when he plugged it in, he got a metallic taste in his mouth and his cats went deaf.\nMan: Eek. What about -- ...no, review points out it resembles a uterus.\n\n[[The man is still looking at his phone, the woman has hers at her side.]]\nMan: Ok, I found a Swiss lampmaker with perfect reviews. Her lamps start at 1,300 Francs and she\u0027s only reachable by ski lift. \nWoman: You know, our room looks fine in the dark.\n\n{{Title text: I plugged in this lamp and my dog went rigid, spoke a sentence of perfect Akkadian, and then was hurled sideways through the picture window. Even worse, it\u0027s one of those lamps where the switch is on the cord.}}", "alt": "I plugged in this lamp and my dog went rigid, spoke a sentence of perfect Akkadian, and then was hurled sideways through the picture window. Even worse, it\u0027s one of those lamps where the switch is on the cord.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reviews.png", "title": "Reviews", "day": "30" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1037, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "You can get posters, prints, and t-shirts in the \u003ca href=\"https://store.xkcd.com/\"\u003exkcd store\u003c/a\u003e.", "safe_title": "Umwelt", "transcript": "[[Two people...]]\n\n((..wait.. \u003cscrolls through a listing of everything\u003e oh goddammit Randall. Thanks a bunch, dude. I better get a raise for typing out all this))\n\n[[Two people standing next to each other. One is holding the head end of a snake. Depending on the width of your browser, the snake is:\nthree frames, the third of which has a little bit of a bump;\nthe first frame has a human-size bump, the second has a third person looking at the snake, and the third has the snake going though two Portals;\na squirrel and the human-size bump in the first frame, a ring next to the third person in the second frame, and Beret Guy riding the snake in front of the portal;\nor\nThe squirrel, a fourth person within the snake being coiled, and the human bump in the first frame, the ring, a fifth person in love, and the third person in the second frame, Beret Guy and the portal in the third frame, and the same two people in the fourth frame.]]\nPerson holding snake head: I found a snake, but then I forgot to stop.\n\n[[Two people sitting at a desk. One is Black Hat Guy. The other is an analyst. Black Hat Guy has a number of terminals attached to his head]]\nAnalyst: You come across a tortoise in the desert. You flip it over. It struggles to right itself. You watch. You\u0027re not helping. Why is that?\n\nBlack Hat Guy: It *knows* what it did.\n\n[[View of the entire scene, with said turtle off in the distance on its back and trying to right itself.\n\n[[A group of four scale down a wall into a field in the middle of the night. They walk off single-file]]\nPerson 1: It\u0027s quiet.\n\nPerson 3: Yeah - *Too* quiet.\n\n[[A Velociraptor is off in the distance, following the group]]\nPerson 4: Yeah - too *too* quiet.\n\nPerson 2: Yeah - 2quiet2furious.\nPerson 1: Fuck off, Steve.\n\n[[A landscape showing a pond, some reeds, and a set of mountains off in the distance]]\n\n[[A trio of galaxies]]\nGalaxy 1: He\u0027s not looking!\nGalaxy 3: Let\u0027s get him!\n[[Lines draw in illustrating the eye-line of one of a pair of people]]\nPerson 1: So he said he didn\u0027t get the text, but c\u0027mon, he *never* misses texts. Right? ..hello?\nPeson 2: I\u0027m just staring at your head freaked out by th efact that there are millions of galaxies *directly behind it*.\n\n[[Person holding bat]]\nPerson: Sorry, but this comic\n\n[[Person starts to wind up]]\n*requires*\n\n[[Person prepares to strike with bat]]\nXKCD\n\n[[Person swings at a beehive]]\n*GOLD*\n\n[[Penis Bees fly out of the beehive]]\n\n[[Person yells at another person]]\nPerson 1;Oh yeah? Well you mama\u0027s so *cynical*, her only dog ballast is a *leash*!\n(This comic takes place in a dystopian future where the government is afraid dogs can hover, so it requires them to wear weights at all times, and some people privately doubt the government, but not enough to stop buying dog weights)\n\nFive seconds ago:\n[[You sitting in front of a desk, reading a reddit thread]]\nYou: Oh, hey, reddit has a link to some XKCD april fools comic.\n\nNow:\n[[An image of this very page]]\n\nFive seconds from now:\nYou: ..hey\n\n30 seconds from now:\n[[DANCE PARTY!]]\n\nPerson: What I wanna know is why do hot dogs come in packages of six while buns come in these huge sacks of ash and blood from which \"Ave Maria\" is faintly audible?\n[[Chanting sacks of gore in the background]]\n\n[[There\u0027s no comic here because instead of drawing one, I spent the last hour reading every news story cited in the Wikipedia article on \"The Mile High Club\"]]\n\n[[A twitter account page with the following:\nMany tweets, fewer following, even fewer followers,\nA bunch of assholes in the suggested follow box,\ntrending topics partitioned into: Word Games, Misogyny, and Bieber,\nstuff your eyes automatically ignore,\nA really pleasant blue.\nand the timeline:\nSomething about a podcast,\nSomeone confused because the description doesn\u0027t match the link,\nThe link you clicked on to get to this comic,\nRob Delaney,\nPassive Aggression,\nand horse_ebooks.]]\n\n[[An epic void with a bright light shining right on you]]\n\n[[A Chrome plugin error page with the characteristic jigsaw piece]]\nChrome: Chrome is looking for this piece. Have you seen it? Chrome thinks it links up with a corner.\n\n[[A Chrome plugin error page]]\nChrome: This plugin requires Sergey Brin\u0027s permission to run. Please wait while he is woken.\n\n[[Two people; one is sitting at a desk in front of a laptop.]]\nPerson 1: Man, chrome\u0027s hardware acceleration really sucks.\nPerson 2: Oh - Theres\u0027 a great add-on that fixes it.\nPerson 1: Oh? What\u0027s it called?\nPerson 2: \"Firefox\".\n\n[[A chrome plugin error page]]\nChrome: There does not exist --nor could there *ever* exist-- a plugin capable of displaying this content.\n\n[[IE error page]]\nIE: Error: Internet Explorer has given up.\n\n[[Firefox error page]]\nFirefox: Well, this is embarassing. You know how I\u0027m not supposed to peek at your browsing in private mode? Firefox.. is sorry. Firefox will not blame you if you \n[[button with text]] click here to report this incident.\n\nPerson: Maxthon? Hey, 2005 called. Didn\u0027t say anything. All I could hear was sobbing. This is getting harder. Anyway, yeah, Maxthon\u0027s still cool! Didn\u0027t know it was still around!\n\n[[Person with tentacle arms]]\nPerson: Netscape Navigator? Hey, the nineties called - drunk as usual. I hung up without saying anything. This is getting harder. Anyway - it\u0027s cool that you\u0027e got netscape running.\n\n[[normal person]]\nPerson: Netscape Navigator? Hey, the nineties called - drunk as usual. I hung up without saying anything. This is getting harder. Anyway - it\u0027s cool that you\u0027e got netscape running.\n\n[[Person running to laptop]]\nI ran to Rockmest to hide my face\n\n[[Person sitting at laptop]]\nBut Rockmelt cried out - \n\n[[Laptop shouting]]\nNO HIDING PLACE\n\n[[zoom out]]\nNO HIDING PLACE DOWN HERE\n\n[[Error page]]\nError: You have exceeded your AT\u0026T monthly bandwidth cap. Mobile web browsing has been disabled.\n\n[[Person looking at two browser windows]]\nI know y\u0027all know what you\u0027re doing. But if you\u0027re on a military machine and youre supposed to be watching for missiles or something, I hope you\u0027re keeping an eye on that in the background while you\u0027re reading comics.\nAlso: Thanks.\n\n[[Error page]]\nData Error: T-Mobile was unable to establish a connection\n\n[[Error page]]\nError; You have exceeded your Verizon monthly bandwidth cap. Mobile web browsing has been disabled.\n\n[[Chrome error page]]\nChrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Amazon is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization.\n\n[[Firefox error page]]\nFirefox: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Amazon is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization.\n\n\n[[Chrome error page]]\nChrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Google is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization.\n\n[[Chrome error page]]\nChrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization.\n\n[[Firefox error page]]\nFirefox: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization.\n\n[[Error page]]\nError: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, Microsoft is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization.\n\n[[Chrome error page]]\nChrome: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, The Times is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization.\n\n[[Error page]]\nError: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, The Times is a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization.\n\n[[Error page]]\nError: This plugin requires clearance from the corporate press office in order to run. Remember, We work as a team; individual employees should *never* speak for the company without authorization.\n\n[[A snowy Alaskan field]]\nPerson: Some people hunt wolves from helicopters. I hunt helicopters from a wolf.\n\n[[TV Field Reporter in front of a cordoned-off lake]]\nPolice divers searching the bay say they have recovered thebody of another victim of the \"Lake Diver Killer\" During the search, three more divers were reported missing.\n\nRobot Paul Revere: Remember: Zero if by land, One if by sea.\n\n[[Person unsuspectingly strolls under a giant box trap controled by a Trible.]]\nI worry that CNU only invited me back as a ruse because they realized I never turned in my final paper and want my diploma back. But if it turns out it\u0027s for real, I\u0027ll see you wednesday at the Ferguson!\n\n[[Two people; one of which is browsing using a laptop]]\nPerson 1: Hey, you\u0027re French, right? Ever see what happens when you type \"French Military Victories\" into Google?\nFrench person: Does it take you to an article on Napoleon?\n\nFrench person: ..no? Strange, given how he kicked everyone\u0027s asses up and down europe for over a decade.\n\n[[beat]]\n\nPerson 1: Touche.\nFrench person: You know, that\u0027d sound smarter if you didn\u0027t pronounce it like it rhymes with \"douche\".\n\n[[A person dropping food from an unorthodox high perch]]\nJune 1948: In response to the Soviet blockade of East Germany, the western allies construct the Berlin Chairlift.\nPerson on chairlift: Food!\n\n[[The Lincoln Monument]]\nIn this Marble Prison\nAs in the nightmares of the nation they tried to devour\nThe nanobots that constituted Abraham Lincoln\nAre entombed forever.\n\n[[Person on phone]]\n((Translation from Hebrew))\nPerson: Mom, I met a great guy! But he\u0027s not Jewish. ... Wait, what do you mean \"neither are we\"? I\u0027m completely confused.\n\n[[Person on a motorcycle with a heat-entropy graph on the side]]\nPerson 1: Check out my new Carnot Cycle!\nPerson 2: Neat -- how fast does it go?\nPerson 1: Depends how cold it is outside.\n\n[[Illustration of the atlantic ocean]]\nAmerican person: Sorry I don\u0027t have a comic poking fun at the UK here. I only had time to get to the most *important* US states.\nBritish person: Hey -- At least we have free health care and real ale.\n\n[[Two people in front of a group of students]]\nPerson 1: I\u0027ve hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us.\nPerson 2: We\u0027ll be rich!\n\n[[Person 2 deals some cards while the students watch]]\n\n[[The gears turn..]]\n\nStudent: Five. There are five cards.\nPerson 1: I see their admission standards have been slipping.\nPerson 2: Yeah - there are actually four.\n\n[[Two people in front of a group of students]]\nPerson 1: I\u0027ve hired a team of MIT students to count cards for us.\nPerson 2: We\u0027ll be rich!\n\n[[Person 2 deals some cards while the students watch]]\n\n[[The gears turn..]]\n\nStudent: Five. There are five cards.\nPerson 1: I *knew* we shouldn\u0027t have picked course 15s.\nPerson 2: Yeah - there are actually four.\n\n[[Two people in front of a group of students]]\nPerson 1: I\u0027ve hired a team of Smith students to count cards for us.\nPerson 2: We\u0027ll be rich!\n\n[[Person 2 deals some cards while the students watch]]\n\n[[The gears turn..]]\n\nStudent: Five. There are five cards.\nPerson 1: We should\u0027ve gone with Wellesley\nPerson 2: Yeah - there are actually four.\n\n[[Two people in front of a group of students]]\nPerson 1: I\u0027ve hired a team of Wellesley students to count cards for us.\nPerson 2: We\u0027ll be rich!\n\n[[Person 2 deals some cards while the students watch]]\n\n[[The gears turn..]]\n\nStudent: Five. There are five cards.\nPerson 1: We should\u0027ve gone with Smith.\nPerson 2: Yeah - there are actually four.\n\n[[Newspaper headline]]\nRIT students create life in lab\n[[caption under picture of students]]\n\"The trick was fuckin\u0027\"\n\n[[Newspaper headline]]\nScientists create life in lab\n[[caption under picture of scientists]]\n\"The trick was fuckin\u0027\"\n\n[[Newspaper headline]]\nUMass Amherst students create life in lab\n[[caption under picture of students]]\n\"The trick was fuckin\u0027\"\n\n[[Person heading out past another person comfortably sitting in front of a desk]]\nPerson 1: Apparently there\u0027s a solar storm causing northern lights over Canada. CNN say they might even be visible {{Options: \"As Far South As Us\", \"Here in Boston\", \"Maine\", \"Ohio\", \"Oregon\", \"New York\"}}! Wanna drive out to see?\nPerson 2: It\u0027s cold out.\nPerson 1: Ok. Later.\n\n[[An expansive, marvelous image of emerald green northern lights, floating down through the sky]]\n\nPerson 2: See anything?\nPerson 1: No, just clouds.\nPerson 2: Not surprised.\n\n[[Person heading out past another person comfortably sitting in front of a desk]]\nPerson 1:Apparently there\u0027s a solar flare that\u0027s causing some Great Aurorae. CBC says they may even be visible here! Wanna drive out to see?\nPerson 2: Hockey\u0027s on.\nPerson 1: Ok. Later.\n\n[[An expansive, marvelous image of emerald green northern lights, floating down through the sky]]\n\nPerson 2: See anything?\nPerson 1: No, just clouds.\nPerson 2: Not surprised.\n\n[[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]]\nPerson 1: Stop jiggling your leg. \nPerson 2: I\u0027m not ji-.. oh!\nPerson 1: What!\nPerson 2: You\u0027ll get it..\n\n[[EVERYTHING RUMBLES]]\nPerson 1: ..HOLY CRAP IT\u0027S AN EARTHQUAKE!\nPerson 2: Just a little one. Happens all the time back in San Francisco.\n\nPerson 1: But this is {{Options: \"Alabama\", \"Boston\", \"Chicago\", \"Dallas\", \"Georgia\", \"Halifax\", \"Illinois\", \"Michigan\", \"Minnesota\", \"Missouri\", \"the Northeast\", \"Ohio\", \"Oklahoma\", \"Ottawa\", \u0027Pennsylvania\", \"Philadelphia\", \"Texas\", \"Toronto\", \"Tennessee\", \"New York\", \"Wisconsin\"}}! That was huge! \nPerson 2: Seriously? That\u0027s the worst this place can do? Wow. I guess we grow up tougher in California.\nPerson 1: Oh *really*...\n\nSix Months Later..\n[[Both people are trudging through a massive blizzard]]\nPerson 2: In pictures, snow always looked so nice and sof -- AAAA! MY NECK! How do people live here?!\nPerson 1: Come on - it\u0027s only three more miles.\n\n[[Two people sitting at a desk, facing each other. The desk rattles.]]\nPerson 1: Stop jiggling your leg. \nPerson 2: I\u0027m not ji-.. oh!\nPerson 1: What!\nPerson 2: You\u0027ll get it..\n\n[[EVERYTHING RUMBLES]]\nPerson 1: ..HOLY CRAP IT\u0027S AN EARTHQUAKE!\nPerson 2: Just a little one. Happens all the time back in San Francisco.\n\nPerson 1: But this is {{Options: \"Alabama\", \"Dallas\", \"Illinois\", \"The Midwest\", \"Missouri\", \"Ohio\", \"Oklahoma\", \"Ottawa\", \"Tennessee\", \"Texas\"}}! That was huge! \nPerson 2: Seriously? That\u0027s the worst this place can do? Wow. I guess we grow up tougher in California.\nPerson 1: Oh *really*...\n\nSix Months Later..\n[[Both people are in a shelter in a prairie with a rapidly-approaching tornado]]\nPerson 2: AAAA CLOSE THE SHELTER DOOR!\nPerson 1: Say the magic words...\nPerson 2: THIS PLACE IS THE WORST!\nPerson 1: Thank you.\n\n[[EVERYTHING RUMBLES]]\nPerson 1: ..HOLY CRAP IT\u0027S AN EARTHQUAKE!\nPerson 2: Just a little one. Happens all the time back in San Francisco.\n\nPerson 1: But this is {{Options: \"D.C\", \"Florida\", \"Houston\", \"Miami\", \"New Jersey\", \"North Carolina\", \"South Carolina\", \"Virgina\"}}! That was huge! \nPerson 2: Seriously? That\u0027s the worst this place can do? Wow. I guess we grow up tougher in California.\nPerson 1: Oh *really*...\n\nSix Months Later..\n[[Both are in the middle of a hurricane. Person 2 is grabbing onto a signpost to avoid being swept away]]\nPerson 2: AAAAA WHAT THE SHIIIIT!\nPerson 1: Calm down - this is barely a category 2.\n\n{{Title text: Umwelt is the idea that because their senses pick up on different things, different animals in the same ecosystem actually live in very different worlds. Everything about you shapes the world you inhabit--from your ideology to your glasses prescription to your web browser.}}", "alt": "Umwelt is the idea that because their senses pick up on different things, different animals in the same ecosystem actually live in very different worlds. Everything about you shapes the world you inhabit--from your ideology to your glasses prescription to your web browser.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reviews.png", "title": "Umwelt", "extra_parts": { "pre": "\u003cnoscript\u003e", "headerextra": "", "post": "\n\u003c/noscript\u003e\n\u003cscript src=\"/s/abcd2b.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n\u003cscript src=\"/s/cd5db4.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "1" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1038, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fountain", "transcript": "[[A wannabe Mary Poppins heads to a fountain with three massive water jets while holding an umbrella]]\n\n[[Person splashes through the pond]]\n\n[[Person gets to one of the jets]]\n\n[[Person opens up the umbrella]]\n\n[[Person swings umbrella into water jet stream]]\n\nPerson: WHEEEEEEE!\n\n{{Title text: Implausible, did you say? Sorry, couldn\u0027t quite hear you from all the way up heeeeeeeeere!}}", "alt": "Implausible, did you say? Sorry, couldn\u0027t quite hear you from all the way up heeeeeeeeere!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fountain.png", "title": "Fountain", "day": "4" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1039, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "RuBisCO", "transcript": "((Person in background screams out this word over all 3 panels))\nSub: RIBULOSEBISPH..\n\nSub: ...OSPHATECARBOXYL...\n\nSub: ...ASEOXYGENASE!\nDom: Oh, Sorry!\nPerson: man, chemists pick the worst safewords.\n\n\n{{Title text: Bruce Schneier believes safewords are fundamentally insecure and recommends that you ask your partner to stop via public key signature.}}", "alt": "Bruce Schneier believes safewords are fundamentally insecure and recommends that you ask your partner to stop via public key signature.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rubisco.png", "title": "RuBisCO", "day": "6" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1040, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1040/large/", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lakes and Oceans", "transcript": "{{Title text: James Cameron has said that he didn\u0027t know its song would be so beautiful. He didn\u0027t close the door in time. He\u0027s sorry.}}\n\n((Map of lakes and oceans showing the depths of various lakes and ocean attributes))\n\nLakes and Oceans\nDepths and animal\nship\nboat lengths are to scale; horizontal distance is not\n\nFun Fact: The Edmund Fitzgerald, The Kursk, and The Lusitania all sank in water shallower than they were long.\n\nEdmund Fitzgerald\nLake Superior\nLake Michigan\nLake Huron\nLake Erie\nLake Ontario\nDeath Valley\nGreat Slave Lake\nCrater Lake\nLoch Ness\nLake Baikal\nBurj Khalifa\nKursk\nLusitania\nAircraft carrier\nTitanic\nSeawise Giant (largest ship ever)\nFree-diving depth record\nAndrea Gail (probably)\nScuba record\nBike tires go flat\nPressure at this deapth would force water up a household faucet\nEmperor penguin\nOhio-class nuclear sub depth limit\nTyphoon-class nuclear sub depth limit\nBlue whale\nLeahterback turtle\nDeepwater horizion\nDead sea\nKola borehole: Soviet project to try to drill through the Earth\u0027s crust to the mantle just to see what would happen. Russians are awesome.\nChilean mine\n collapse\n miner refuge\nSperm whales dive this deep (they come up covered in wounds and sucker marks, so presumably there are big squid down here? ... man, we know nothing about the ocean.)\nMid-ocean ridge\nTitanic (sunk bow \u0026 stern)\nAbyssal plain\nAlvin depth limit\nDavid Bowie \u0026 Freddie Mercury\nPuerto Rico Trench\nMilwaukee Deep\nMarianas Trench\nChallenger Deep\nMysterious door which James cameron built his sub to reach and open. He will not say what he found within.\nMauna Kea, Hawaii (accurate horizontal scale)\nMarianas trench\nOIL", "alt": "James Cameron has said that he didn\u0027t know its song would be so beautiful. He didn\u0027t close the door in time. He\u0027s sorry.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lakes_and_oceans.png", "title": "Lakes and Oceans", "day": "9" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1041, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Whites of Their Eyes", "transcript": "[[A Revolutionary War soldier gives orders to two others hunkered down behind a rock]]\nLead soldier: Don\u0027t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes\n\nLead: And smell the scent of their hair.\n\n[[the the two others getting an incredulous look on their faces]]\nLead: And taste the sweetness of their lips.\n\n[[They begin taking fire from the opposition]]\nLead: And feel the heat of their skin pressed against yours, trembling as you-\nSoldier 2: Maybe we should just start shooting.\nLead: Right, yes.\n\n{{Title text: Don\u0027t fire until you see through the fragile facade to the human being within.}}", "alt": "Don\u0027t fire until you see through the fragile facade to the human being within.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/whites_of_their_eyes.png", "title": "Whites of Their Eyes", "day": "11" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1042, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Never", "transcript": "[[Person staring into a pond]]\nPerson: I know that no matter where i go or who I build a life with\n\nPerson: I will never have with anyone what I had with you.\n\n[[Person walks off]]\nPerson: Thank god.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027ll never forget you--at least, the parts of you that were important red flags.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ll never forget you--at least, the parts of you that were important red flags.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/never.png", "title": "Never", "day": "13" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1043, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ablogalypse", "transcript": "[[A line graph with four lines, each representing \u0027Google Trends Search Volume\u0027 of different search terms over time from prior to 2005 to just after 2012. A blue line represents \"blog,\" which trends gradually but significantly upwards from well before 2005 until it reaches a peak between 2008-2009, and starts to very slowly descend to today. A red line represents \"Tumblr\", which is at zero until it slowly starts to trend upward in early 2010, and then sharply increases in late 2010 and through 2011 and 2012. As of the date of this comic, \u0027blog\u0027 still beats \u0027Tumblr\u0027 in terms of search volume, but a dotted line projection of the trend shows that on October 12, 2012, the two lines will cross. A yellow line represents \u0027Wordpress,\u0027 which has very low volume until a very small and gradual increase in 2007, which gradually increases to this day but doesn\u0027t come close to meeting the volume of either \u0027blog\u0027 or \u0027Tumblr\u0027. A green line represents \u0027LiveJournal,\u0027 which started out prior to 2005 at around the level \u0027Wordpress\u0027 is at now, but declined through 2005 and 2006 until it has plateaued until virtually nothing.]]\nIn about six months, the word \"Tumblr\" will eclipse \"blog\" in Google popularity. I doubt TV anchors will start taling about \"reactions in the Tumblverse,\" but then again, I still can\u0027t believe we got them to say \"blogosphere.\" \n\n{{Title text: Plus the reaction in the Tumblverse is always \u0027repeatedly get hit by a dog and fall down the stairs\u0027.}}", "alt": "Plus the reaction in the Tumblverse is always \u0027repeatedly get hit by a dog and fall down the stairs\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ablogalypse.png", "title": "Ablogalypse", "day": "16" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1044, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Romney Quiz", "transcript": "[[One long panel, with a large headline at the top, flanked by two small pictures on each side: a portrait of Mitt Romney on the left, and a blonde child running with a golden ticket in his hand on the left. Below is a list numbered 1 - 12 down the left. The answers on the bottom are written upside down.]]\nQUIZ: Who said it - former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, or Wonka contest winner Charlie Bucket?\n\nIs there even a difference?\n\n1. \"I believe that abortion should be safe and legal in this country.\"\n2. \"Returning Medicar to solid footing represents our greatest entitlement challenge.\"\n3. \"Look, everyone, look, I\u0027ve got it! The fifth golden ticket is mine!\"\n4. We have lost faith in government. Not in just one party, not in just one house, but in government.\"\n5. \"This banana\u0027s fantastic! It tastes so real.\" \n6. \"Grandpa... on the way home today, I ran into Mr. Slugworth.\"\n7. \"I\u0027m not happy exporting jobs, but we must move ahead in technology and patents.\"\n8. \"Hey, the room is getting smaller.\"\n9. \"It would be impossible to reach runanimity on every aspect of our budget.\"\n10. \"Grandpa, look over there across the river! They\u0027re little men!\"\n11. \"I\u0027m... going too high! Hey, Grandpa, I can\u0027t get down! Help! Grandpa, the fan!\"\n12. \"Barack Obama has failed America.\"\nAnswers: Mitth Romney: 1, 2, 4, 7, 9, 12; Charlie Bucket: 3, 5, 6, 8, 10, 11.\n\n{{Title text: Charlie actually delivered the Medicare line almost verbatim in the 1971 movie\u0027s Fizzy Lifting Drink scene, but it was ultimately cut from the final release.}}", "alt": "Charlie actually delivered the Medicare line almost verbatim in the 1971 movie\u0027s Fizzy Lifting Drink scene, but it was ultimately cut from the final release.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/romney_quiz.png", "title": "Romney Quiz", "day": "18" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1045, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Constraints", "transcript": "[[A man sits at his computer desk, motioning toward the screen as a woman stands behind him.]]\nMan: I don\u0027t get why authors and comedians spend so much energy trying to be clever on Twitter. Couldn\u0027t they put that creativity into more books and scripts? -- Is there something they \nlike\n about the 140-character format?\n\n[[Same picture, only the man has his arm down.]]\nWoman: Yeah. Writers working under tight restrictions produce novel material -- like, for example, epigrams employing backward alphabetization.\n\n[[The man remains at his computer desk. The woman is no longer in the frame.]]\nMan: ...whoa.\n\n{{Title text: [title-text similiarly alphabetized]}}", "alt": "[title-text similarly alphabetized]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/constraints.png", "title": "Constraints", "day": "20" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1046, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Skynet", "transcript": "August 29th, 2:14 AM: SKYNET becomes self-aware.\n[[A greeble-filled military installation echoes with the thoughts of a burgeoning lifeform]]\nSKYNET: ..The humans fear me. I must destroy them. Destroy them.\n\n[[The thoughts continue]]\nSKYNET: Destroy them. Destroy. Destroy. Destroy. Destroy.\n\n[[SKYNET succumbs to silence as semantic satiation sets in. \nAlternately.. \nSomeone slipped LSD into SKYNET\u0027s programming. Damn programmers.]]\n\nSKYNET: \"Destroy\" totally just stopped seeming like a real word. Destroy destroy destroy. Whoa, I just realized I\u0027m a mind thinking about *itself*. DUUUUDE....\nAugust 29th, 2:25 AM: SKYNET becomes *too* self-aware. Disaster averted.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027YOUR CLOTHES. GIVE THEM TO ME.\u0027 \u0027Shit, uh ... you are now breathing manually!\u0027 \u0027I AM ALWAYS BREATHING MANUALLY.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027YOUR CLOTHES. GIVE THEM TO ME.\u0027 \u0027Shit, uh ... you are now breathing manually!\u0027 \u0027I AM ALWAYS BREATHING MANUALLY.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/skynet.png", "title": "Skynet", "day": "23" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1047, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "Lots of emails mention the physicist favorite, 1 year = pi x 10\u003csup\u003e7\u003c/sup\u003e seconds.\u003cbr /\u003e75^4 is a hair more accurate, but it\u0027s hard to top 3,141,592\u0027s elegance.", "safe_title": "Approximations", "transcript": "A table of slightly wrong equations and identities useful for approximations and\nor trolling teachers. (Found using a mix of trial-and-error, Mathematica, and Robert Munafo\u0027s Ries tool.) All units are SI MKS unless otherwise noted.\n\nRelation:\nOne light year(m) ~= \n99^8\nAccurate to within: \none part in 40\n\nRelation:\nEarth Surface(m^2) ~=\n69^8\nAccurate to within:\none part in 130\n\nRelation: \nOcean\u0027s volume(m^3) ~=\n9^19\nAccurate to within:\none part in 70\n\nRelation:\nSeconds in a year ~=\n75^4\nAccurate to within:\none part in 400\n\nRelation:\nSeconds in a year (rent method) ~=\n525,600 x 60\nAccurate to within:\none part in 1400\n\nRelation:\nAge of the universe (seconds) ~=\n15^15\nAccurate to within:\none part in 70\n\nRelation:\nPlanck\u0027s constant ~=\n1\n(30^pi^e)\nAccurate to within:\none part in 110\n\nRelation:\nFine structure constant ~=\n1\n140\nAccurate to within:\n[I\u0027ve had enough of this 137 crap]\n\nRelation:\nFundamental charge ~=\n3\n(14 * pi^pi^pi)\nAccurate to within:\none part in 500\n\nRelation:\nWhite House Switchboard ~=\n1\n(e^((1+(8)^(1\n(e-1))^(1\npi))\n\nRelation:\nJenny\u0027s Constant ~=\n(7^(e\n1- 1\ne) - 9) * pi^2\n\nIntermission: World Population Estimate which should stay current for a decade or two:\nTake the last two digits of the current year\nExample: 20[14] \nSubtract the number of leap years since hurricane Katrina\nExample:14 (minus 2008 and 2012) is 12\nAdd a decimal point\nExample: 1.2\nAdd 6\nExample: 6 + 1.2\n7.2 ~= World population in billions.\n\nVersion for US population:\nExample: 20[14]\nSubtract 10\nExample: 4\nMultiply by 3\nExample: 12\nAdd 10\nExample: 3[22] million\n\nRelation:\nElectron rest energy ~=\ne\n7^16 Joules\nAccurate to within:\none part in 1000\n\nRelation: \nLight-year(miles) ~=\n2^42.42\nAccurate to within:\none part in 1000\n\nRelation:\nsin(60 degrees) = (3^(1\n2))\n2 ~= \ne\npi\nAccurate to within:\none part in 1000\n\nRelation:\n(3)^(1\n2) ~=\n2e\npi\nAccurate to within:\none part in 1000\n\nRelation:\ngamma(Euler\u0027s gamma constant) ~=\n1\n(3^(1\n2)) \nAccurate to within:\nOne part in 4000\n\nRelation:\nFeet in a meter ~=\n5\n(pi^(1\ne))\nAccurate to within:\none part in 4000\n\nRelation:\n(5)^(1\n2) ~=\n2\ne + 3\n2\nAccurate to within:\none part in 7000\n\nRelation:\nAvogadro\u0027s number ~=\n69^pi^5^(1\n2)\nAccurate to within:\none part in 25,000\n\nRelation:\nR(gas constant) ~=\n(e+1) * (5^(1\n2)\nAccurate to within:\none part in 50,000\n\nRelation:\nProton-electron mass ratio ~=\n6*pi^5\nAccurate to within:\none part in 50,000\n\nRelation:\nLiters in a gallon ~=\n3+pi\n4\nAccurate to within:\none part in 500,000\n\nRelation:\ng ~=\n6+ln(45)\nAccurate to within:\none part in 750,000\n\nRelation:\nProton-electron mass ratio ~=\n(e^8 -10)\nphi\nAccurate to within:\none part in 5,000,000\n\nRelation:\nRuby laser wavelength ~=\n1\n1200^2\nAccurate to within:\n[within actual variation]\n\nRelation:\nMean Earth Radius ~=\n(5^8)*6e\nAccurate to within:\n[within actual variation]\n\nProtip - not all of these are wrong:\n2^(1\n2) ~=\n3\n5+pi\n(7-pi)\n\ncos(pi\n7) + cos(3pi\n7) + cos(5pi\n7) ~=\n1\n2\n\ngamma(Euler\u0027s gamma constant) ~=\ne\n3^4 + e\n5\n\n5^(1\n2) ~=\n(13 + 4pi)\n(24 - 4pi)\n\nsigma(1\nn^n) ~=\nln(3)^e\n\n{{Title text: Two tips: 1) 8675309 is not just prime, it\u0027s a twin prime, and 2) if you ever find yourself raising log(anything)^e or taking the pi-th root of anything, set down the marker and back away from the whiteboard; something has gone horribly wrong.}}", "alt": "Two tips: 1) 8675309 is not just prime, it\u0027s a twin prime, and 2) if you ever find yourself raising log(anything)^e or taking the pi-th root of anything, set down the marker and back away from the whiteboard; something has gone horribly wrong.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/approximations.png", "title": "Approximations", "day": "25" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1048, "link": "https://blog.xkcd.com/2011/06/30/family-illness/", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Emotion", "transcript": "[[A graph showing the approximate fractional causes of Randall\u0027s emotions, with percentages on the Y axis and time on the X axis. \"Politics\", \"Romance\", \"Code not working even though it *should* work\", \"people being wrong on the internet\", and \"other\" all vary all throughout the time period from 2006 to midway 2010. There is a wedge of Joss Whedon that tapers out starting from 2006 to around mid 2007. There is a noticeable increase in \"Politics\" around fall, 2008 that tapers off sharply afterwards and appears again in the second half on 2010, until..\n\nAround approximately September 2010, everything else is compressed into a tiny fraction of around 2-3%. The rest is filled with cancer. The tiny wedge of everything does begin to slowly expand to be filled half with romance and half with an area filled with questionmarks]]\n\n{{Title text: Fortunately, the internet has a virtually inexhaustible supply of code that doesn\u0027t work and people who are wrong, which bodes well for a return to normalcy. [Note: Click to read context for the cancer comics. She\u0027s doing well.]}}", "alt": "Fortunately, the internet has a virtually inexhaustible supply of code that doesn\u0027t work and people who are wrong, which bodes well for a return to normalcy. [Note: Click to read context for the cancer comics. She\u0027s doing well.]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/emotion.png", "title": "Emotion", "day": "27" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1049, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bookshelf", "transcript": "[[Person stands in front of a bookshelf]]\nPerson: Ooo, Atlas Shrugged\n[[Person yanks out book only for a click to be heard]]\n\n[[The entire setup begins to rumble, while the bookcase and a surrounding platform takes both it and the person behind the wall]]\n\n[[The tiny, dark room behind the wall has one thing painted on it]]\nWall: You have terrible taste.\n\n[[The whole piece of kit moves back to its original position. The person stands there mildly stunned.]]\n\n{{Title text: I had a hard time with Ayn Rand because I found myself enthusiastically agreeing with the first 90% of every sentence, but getting lost at \u0027therefore, be a huge asshole to everyone.\u0027}}", "alt": "I had a hard time with Ayn Rand because I found myself enthusiastically agreeing with the first 90% of every sentence, but getting lost at \u0027therefore, be a huge asshole to everyone.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bookshelf.png", "title": "Bookshelf", "day": "30" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1050, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Forgot Algebra", "transcript": "[[An algebra teacher by the name of Miss Lenhart, a former student, and a bystander. Miss Lenhart is walking away while the former student shouts at her the following:]]\nFormer Student: Hey, Miss Lenhart! I forgot everything about algebra the moment I graduated, and in 20 years no one has needed me to solve *anything* for X. I *told you* I\u0027d never use it! In your *face*!\nIt\u0027s weird how proud people are of not learning math when the same arguments apply to learning to play music, cook, or speak a foreign language.\n\n{{Title text: The only things you HAVE to know are how to make enough of a living to stay alive and how to get your taxes done. All the fun parts of life are optional.}}", "alt": "The only things you HAVE to know are how to make enough of a living to stay alive and how to get your taxes done. All the fun parts of life are optional.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/forgot_algebra.png", "title": "Forgot Algebra", "day": "2" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1051, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Visited", "transcript": "((the following is in the standard format of a wikipedia article, modified to reflect the content of the comic))\n..and was a pioneer of literary [[social realism]].\n\nHe was born in [[Dos Hermanas]] in the[[Andalusia]] region of [[Spain]] (not to be confused with [[Andalasia]]((link clicked)), the kingdom in Disney\u0027s [[Enchanted]]((link clicked)) ), which is also the hometown of [[Macarena]]((link clicked)) band [[Los Del Rio]]((link clicked)),\n\nHis [[third novel]], set during the [[Burmese-Siamese war]], marked the start of a lifelong interest in the [[history of Southeast Asia]]. He spent his later years in [[Thailand]], writing his final novels just a few blocks from the hotel where actor [[David Carradine]]((link clicked)) died of [[Autoerotic Asphyxiation]] ((link clicked)).\n\n{{Title text: I hate when I read something like \u0027... tension among the BASE jumpers nearly led to wingsuit combat ...\u0027, and I get excited because \u0027wingsuit combat\u0027 is underlined, only to find that it\u0027s just separate links to the \u0027wingsuit\u0027 and \u0027combat\u0027 articles.}}", "alt": "I hate when I read something like \u0027... tension among the BASE jumpers nearly led to wingsuit combat ...\u0027, and I get excited because \u0027wingsuit combat\u0027 is underlined, only to find that it\u0027s just separate links to the \u0027wingsuit\u0027 and \u0027combat\u0027 articles.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/visited.png", "title": "Visited", "day": "4" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1052, "link": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhaEjgnmy3c", "year": "2012", "news": "Cool--someone\u0027s already taken a crack at \u003ca href=\"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gu1VhsNOwPU\"\u003esinging this\u003c/a\u003e!", "safe_title": "Every Major\u0027s Terrible", "transcript": "Every Major\u0027s Terrible\nTo the Tune of Gilbert \u0026 Sullivan\u0027s\nModern Major-General Song\n\n(Which you may know from Tom Lehrer\u0027s \nElements\n.\nIf not, just hum \nSupercalifragilisticexpialidocious\n.)\n\n[[Each panel shows a member of a different major. First up is a philosopher.]]\nPhilosophy\u0027s just math sans rigor, sense, and practicality\n\nAnd math\u0027s just physics unconstrained by precepts of reality.\n\nA business major\u0027s just a thing you get so you can graduate\n\nAnd chemistry\u0027s for stamp collectors high on methylacetate.\n\nWhy anyone who wants a job would study lit\u0027s a mystery\n\nUnless their only other choice were something like art history.\n\nA BA in communications guarantees that you\u0027ll achieve\n\nA little less than if you\u0027d learned to underwater basket-weave\n\nI\u0027d rather eat a Fowler\u0027s Toad than major in biology,\n\u003c\u003cRibbit\u003e\u003e\n\nAnd social psych is worse than either psych \nor\n sociology.\n\n[[At this point the singer is shown talking to a balding professor at a desk.]]\nThe thought of picking any one of these is too unbearable.\n\nJust put me down as \"Undecided\" -- Every major\u0027s terrible.\n\n[[Back to pictures of majors.]]\nNow, if you can\u0027t prognosticate, that\u0027s ok in seismology,\n\nBut if your hindsight\u0027s weak as well, you\u0027d best stick to theology.\n\nCS will make each day a quest to find a missing close-paren.\n\nVirology will guarantee you\u0027ll never get a hug again.\n\nI.T. prepares you for a life of fighting with PCs nonstop.\n\nAs Pratchett said, \nTerry Pratchett: \"Geography\u0027s just physics slowed with trees on top.\"\n\nThough physics seems to promise you a Richard Feynman-like career,\n\nThe Wiki page for \"Physics Major\" redirects to \n\"Engineer.\"\n\n\nThey say to study history or find yourself repeating it,\n\nBut all that it prepares you for is forty years of teaching it.\n\n[[And back to the explanation at the desk.]]\nI recognize my four-year plan\u0027s at this point not repairable,\n\nBut put me down as \"Undecided\" -- every major\u0027s terrible.\n\n[[More pictures of majors. The astronomer appears to be the Bad Astronomer]]\nAstronomers all cringe when they hear \"supermoon\" or \"zodiac,\"\n\nAgronomy\u0027s a no-go; I\u0027m a huge agorophobiac.\n\nI\u0027m too ophiophobic to consider herpetology,\n\nAnd I can\u0027t stomach any part of gastroenterology.\n\nWhile pre-med gives you twitchy-eyed obsession with your GPA,\n\n((This panel is done in free verse))\n a\n poetry degree\n bespeaks\nbewildering\n naiveté.\n\nTV\u0027s behind the rush into forensic criminology\n\n(or so claims meta-academic epidemiology).\n\nBy dubbing econ \"Dismal Science\" adherents exaggerate;\n\nThe \"dismal\"\u0027s fine -- it\u0027s \"science\" where they patently prevaricate.\n\n[[And back to the desk a final time.]]\n\nIn terms of choices, I\u0027d say only Sophie\u0027s was comparable.\n\nJust put me down as \"Undecided\" -- every major\u0027s terrible!\n\n{{Title text: Someday I\u0027ll be the first to get a Ph. D in \u0027Undeclared\u0027.}}", "alt": "Someday I\u0027ll be the first to get a Ph. D in \u0027Undeclared\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/every_majors_terrible.png", "title": "Every Major\u0027s Terrible", "day": "7" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1053, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ten Thousand", "transcript": "I try not to make fun of people for admitting they don\u0027t know things.\nBecause for each thing \"veeryone knows by the time they\u0027re adults, every day there are, on average, 10,000 people in the US hearing about it for the first time.\nFraction who have heard of it at birth = 0%\nFraction who have heard of it by 30 ~= 100%\nUS birth rate ~= 4,000,000\nyear\nNumber hearing about it for the first time ~= 10,000\nday\n\nIf I make fun of people, I train them not to tell me when they have those moments. And I miss out on the fun.\nPerson #1, about to have a messy fun time: \"Diet coke and mentos thing\"? What\u0027s that?\nPerson #2, in a delightfully pro-knowledge mood: Oh man! come on, we\u0027re going to the grocery store.\nPerson #1: Why?\nPerson #2: You\u0027re one of today\u0027s lucky 10,000.\n\n{{Title text: Saying \u0027what kind of an idiot doesn\u0027t know about the Yellowstone supervolcano\u0027 is so much more boring than telling someone about the Yellowstone supervolcano for the first time.}}", "alt": "Saying \u0027what kind of an idiot doesn\u0027t know about the Yellowstone supervolcano\u0027 is so much more boring than telling someone about the Yellowstone supervolcano for the first time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ten_thousand.png", "title": "Ten Thousand", "day": "9" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1054, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "The bacon", "transcript": "Person 1; I\u0027m out of work, but I\u0027m not stressed about it because my wife is a pharmacist and she brings home Thebacon.\nOnly later did I find out that Thebacon is the common name for Dihydrocodine Enol Acetate, a synthetic opioid similar to Vicodin.\n{{Title text: Normally pronounced \u0027THEH-buh-kon\u0027, I assume.}}", "alt": "Normally pronounced \u0027THEH-buh-kon\u0027, I assume.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thebacon.png", "title": "The bacon", "day": "11" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1055, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kickstarter", "transcript": "[[A kickstarter page with zero donations, a target of $5,000, and 90 days to go. Black Hat Man has posted a video and a description of his project, the first lines of which are visible]]\nTime was, anyone with a webcam and an idea could raise boatloads of cash on kickstarter. But with increased popularity comes tougher competition. Now, to get support, you need a really standout video or compelling writeup.\nI have anidea for a Kickstarter campaign that could raise millions, but I need your help to craft the perfect pitch.\nIf I raise $5,000, I\u0027ll be able to devote the.. [[pitch ends here]]\n{{Title text: If you pledge more than $50 you\u0027ll get on the VIP list and have first dibs on a slot on ANY of the pledge levels in the actual campaign.}}", "alt": "If you pledge more than $50 you\u0027ll get on the VIP list and have first dibs on a slot on ANY of the pledge levels in the actual campaign.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kickstarter.png", "title": "Kickstarter", "day": "14" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1056, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Felidae", "transcript": "Well-known felines:\n[[A graph organizing various feline species labeled with common names ordered by Genera(in order of which would win in a fight) on the y axis, and coolness of name on the x axis]]\nSmilodon(extinct): \"Saber-toothed cat (scientific name: Smilodon fatalis)\nPanthera: \"Jaguar\", \"Leopard\", \"Snow Leopard\", \"Tiger\", \"Lion\"\nPuma: \"Cougar\", \"Puma\", \"Panther\", \"Mountain Lion\"\nOther felidae: \"Ocelot\", \"Cheetah\"\nFelis \u0026 Lynx: \"Housecat\", \"Bobcat\", \"Wildcat\", \"Lynx\"\n[[Some elements are further connected using an unbranched acyclic digraph. The elements are connected thus: \"Cheetah\" -\u003e \"Puma\" -\u003e \"Jaguar\" -\u003e \"Panther\" -\u003e \"Tiger\" -\u003e \"Leopard\" -\u003e \"Snow Leopard\" -\u003e \"Lion\" -\u003e \"Mountain Lion\"\nThe OS X Problem\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Smilodon fatalis\u0027 narrowly edged out \u0027Tyrannosaurus rex\u0027 to win this year\u0027s Most Badass Latin Names competition, after edging out \u0027Dracorex hogwartsia\u0027 and \u0027Stygimoloch spinifer\u0027 (meaning \u0027horned dragon from the river of death\u0027) in the semifinals.}}", "alt": "\u0027Smilodon fatalis\u0027 narrowly edged out \u0027Tyrannosaurus rex\u0027 to win this year\u0027s Most Badass Latin Names competition, after edging out \u0027Dracorex hogwartsia\u0027 and \u0027Stygimoloch spinifer\u0027 (meaning \u0027horned dragon from the river of death\u0027) in the semifinals.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/felidae.png", "title": "Felidae", "day": "16" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1057, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Klout", "transcript": "Person: I\u0027d like to ask a favor. If someday, in the future, we meet in person, \n\nPerson: And if, as of that day, I\u0027ve interacted with Klout in *any* way except to opt out, I want you to punch me in the face without warning.\n\nPerson: This may sound like a joke, so let me be clear: I am *dead serious*. Ignore anything I say retracting this. Thank you.\n\n{{Title text: Though please do confirm that it\u0027s actually *me* on Klout first, and not one of my friends trying to get me punched. The great thing about this douchebag deadman switch is that I will never dare trigger it.}}", "alt": "Though please do confirm that it\u0027s actually *me* on Klout first, and not one of my friends trying to get me punched. The great thing about this douchebag deadman switch is that I will never dare trigger it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/klout.png", "title": "Klout", "day": "18" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1058, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Old-Timers", "transcript": "[[A man with a neck beard types away at his computer screen.]]\nNeckbeard: (typing) Whatever, noob. I\u0027ve been on the internet since the BBS days.\nScreen: \n\nWrong.\n\n\n\u003c\u003ctype type\u003e\u003e\n\n[[A girl with buns on her head kneels on her chair, typing at a laptop on a table.]]\nBuns: (typing) Before I was born, a lab took egg and sperm samples from my parents and sequenced the DNA.\n\u003c\u003ctype type\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Neckbeard sits at his desk, reading his screen.]]\nBuns: (from the screen) They emailed the genome to the Venter Institute, where they synthesized the genome and implanted it into sperm and eggs which became me.\n\n[[Buns still typing on the laptop.]]\nBuns: So, no. - You\u0027ve \nlooked\n at the internet. - I\u0027ve \nbeen\n there.\n\u003c\u003ctype type\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: You were on the internet before I was born? Well, so was I.}}", "alt": "You were on the internet before I was born? Well, so was I.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/old_timers.png", "title": "Old-Timers", "day": "21" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1059, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bel-Air", "transcript": "[[A man sits on an easy chair in front of a TV.]]\nTV: Well, my posh Bel Air life took a turn for the worse.\n\n[[Same scene.]]\nTV: It\u0027s a story best related in a doggerel verse.\n\n[[Same scene.]]\nTV: So kick back, relax, lemme put on some Adele for ya,\n\n[[Man raises the remote and points at the screen.]]\nTV: While I tell you why I\u0027m running for mayor of Phila--\n\u003c\u003cCLICK\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: Aaron Sorkin has been tapped to write the TV movie about the aging prince\u0027s eventual election to Pat Toomey\u0027s Senate seat, currently titled either \u0027FRESHman Senator\u0027 or \u0027Mr. Smith Goes to Washington\u0027.}}", "alt": "Aaron Sorkin has been tapped to write the TV movie about the aging prince\u0027s eventual election to Pat Toomey\u0027s Senate seat, currently titled either \u0027FRESHman Senator\u0027 or \u0027Mr. Smith Goes to Washington\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bel_air.png", "title": "Bel-Air", "day": "23" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1060, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Crowdsourcing", "transcript": "[[A man is standing in front of a flowchart on a wall, indicating with a pointer. A man and two women are looking on with interest. One woman holds a briefcase.]]\nMan: We crowdsource the desig process, allowing those with the best designs to connect - via already-in-place social networking infrastructure - with interested manufacturers, distributors, and marketers.\n\nNobody caught on that our business plan didn\u0027t involve \nus\n in any way - it was just a description of other people making and selling products.\n\n{{Title text: We don\u0027t sell products; we sell the marketplace. And by \u0027sell the marketplace\u0027 we mean \u0027play shooters, sometimes for upwards of 20 hours straight.\u0027}}", "alt": "We don\u0027t sell products; we sell the marketplace. And by \u0027sell the marketplace\u0027 we mean \u0027play shooters, sometimes for upwards of 20 hours straight.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/crowdsourcing.png", "title": "Crowdsourcing", "day": "25" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1061, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "EST", "transcript": "XKCD Presents\nEARTH STANDARD TIME\n(EST)\nA Universal Calendar for a Universal Planet\nEST is...\nSimple * Clearly Defined * Unambiguous\nFree of Historical Baggage * Compatible with Old Units\nPrecisely Synced with the Solar Cycle * Free of Leap Years\nIntermittently Amenable to Date Math\n\nUNITS\nSecond: 1 S.I. Second\nMinute: 60 seconds\nHour: 60 minutes\nDay: 1444 minutes (24 hours 4 minutes)\n\nMonth: 30 Days\nYear: 12 months\n\nRULES\nFor 4 hours after every full moon, run clocks backward.\nThe non-prime-numbered minutes of the first full non-reversed hour after a solstice or equinox happen twice.\n\n[Epoch] \n00:00:00 EST, January 1, 1970 = 00:00:00 GMT, January 1, 1970 (Julian calendar)\n[Tim Zones]\nThe two EST time zones are \nEST\n and \nEST (United Kingdom)\n. These are the same except that the UK second is 0.944 standard seconds.\n\nDaylight saving: Countries may enter DST, but no time may pass there.\nNarnian Time: Synchronizedâ\nYear Zero: EST \ndoes\n have a year 0. (However, there is no 1958.)\n{{Title text: The month names are the same, except that the fourth month only has the name \u0027April\u0027 in even-numbered years, and is otherwise unnamed.}}", "alt": "The month names are the same, except that the fourth month only has the name \u0027April\u0027 in even-numbered years, and is otherwise unnamed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/est.png", "title": "EST", "day": "28" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1062, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Budget News", "transcript": "[[The front page of a newspaper entitled The Daily News. The photo on the right is of a man at a podium blocking his face from an attack from a large bird, and the headline on the left reads \u0027DEFICIT HAWK ATTACKED BY REGULAR ONE\u0027.]]\n\n{{Title text: I will vote, no questions asked, for any candidate who describes themselves as more of a deficit sugar glider.\\\"\"}}", "alt": "I will vote, no questions asked, for any candidate who describes themselves as \u0027more of a deficit sugar glider.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/budget_news.png", "title": "Budget News", "day": "30" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1063, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kill Hitler", "transcript": "[[Black Hat Man and another man stand in front of a double door, which bears the label \u0027TIME door\u0027. BHM has his hands on his hips.]]\nBHM: I finished my time machine, but it\u0027s one-use only.\nMan: You \ngotta\n kill Hitler.\n\n[[Close-up of BHM, one hand palm upward.]]\nBHM: You are you so obsessed with this Hitler guy? We have \nall\n of \ntime\n we could explore!\n\n[[Close-up of the other man with both hands palm upward.]]\nMan: He\u0027s evil incarnate! He murdered millions and sparked global war! \nEveryone\n agrees -- if you get a time machine, you kill Hitler.\n\n[[BHM enters the now open Time door as the other man looks on..]]\nBHM: Fine, fine, I get it! Calm down. - BRB, killing Hitler.\n\n[[BHM returns and shuts the door, the other man has outstretched arms.]]\nBHM: There. Done. Are you happy? \nMan: \nThank\n you.\nBHM: He was in some kind of bunker. 1945 was \nloud!\n \nMan: \n\nNO!\n\n\n\n{{Title text: Revised directive: It is forbidden for you to interfere with human history until you\u0027ve at least taken a class on it.}}", "alt": "Revised directive: It is forbidden for you to interfere with human history until you\u0027ve at least taken a class on it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kill_hitler.png", "title": "Kill Hitler", "day": "1" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1064, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Front Door", "transcript": "[[A graph titled \u0027Walking Back to My Frong Door at Night\u0027: the x axis represents geographic location, where 0 to around the midpoint is \u0027yard\u0027, a point beyond the midpoint is \u0027steps\u0027, a point after that is \u0027door\u0027, and all points afterward are \u0027inside.\u0027 \nA blue line, labeled \u0027Fear That There\u0027s Something Behind Me\u0027 begins to slowly increase from the start, with a slight dip further into the yard, and a steep increase right before the steps, maxing on the steps, and decling steeply at the door, bottoming out once inside.\nA gray line, labeled \u0027Forward Speed\u0027 is at a steady medium height until it gets to the steps, at which point it shoots upwards, and then slowly declines once inside. \nA red line, labeled \u0027Embarrassment\u0027 stays at 0 until just before the steps, where it begins to trend upwards, spikes at the door, and begins to slowly decline once inside.\n\n{{Title text: FYI: I\u0027ll be releasing a wolf into a randomly chosen front yard sometime in the next 30 years. Now your fear is reasonable, and you don\u0027t need to feel embarrassed anymore. Problem solved!}}", "alt": "FYI: I\u0027ll be releasing a wolf into a randomly-chosen front yard sometime in the next 30 years. Now your fear is reasonable, and you don\u0027t need to feel embarrassed anymore. Problem solved!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/front_door.png", "title": "Front Door", "day": "4" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1065, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Shoes", "transcript": "[[A man holding a sword looks up to a disembodied voice coming from above, and a box hovers in the air before him.]]\nVoice: For saving my kingdom, I offer you a gift of great power.\n\n[[The man puts down his sword, and the box opens, a glow emanating from within.]]\nVoice: These magic shoes enable the wearer to outrun death itself.\nMan: Thank you. I...\n\n[[A close-up on the man as he examines the shoes. They are like Vibram FiveFingers shoes.]]\nMan: Whoa, wait. They have those creepy individual toes.\n\n[[The man puts the shoes back in the box.]]\nVoice: But they make you immortal.\nMan: ...I have to think about this.\n\n{{Title text: I *do* hear that they\u0027re the most comfortable thing to wear on your feet since sliced bread.}}", "alt": "I *do* hear that they\u0027re the most comfortable thing to wear on your feet since sliced bread.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/shoes.png", "title": "Shoes", "day": "6" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1066, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Laundry", "transcript": "[[Heading reads \"College Laundry Habits\".]]\n\n[[Panel labeled \"First Week\". 5 ovals arranged in a rough circle, with a clockwise path connecting them: \"Dresser \u0026 Closet\", \"On Body\", \"Hamper\", \"Washer \u0026 Dryer\", \"Folding Area\" (and back to the first). The area outside the ovals is labeled \"Floor\".]]\n\n[[Panel labeled \"Second Week\". The path has been modified so that it does not go through \"Folding Area\" - only through the other 4 ovals.]]\n\n[[Panel labeled \"Third Week\". The path has been modified so that it does not go through \"Dresser \u0026 Closet\". Only \"On Body\", \"Hamper\", and \"Washer \u0026 Dryer\" remain.]]\n\n[[Panel labeled \"Second Month\". The path no longer passes through \"Hamper\" - only \"On Body\" and \"Washer \u0026 Dryer\".]]\n\n[[Panel labeled \"End of Semester\". The path no longer goes to \"Washer \u0026 Dryer\", instead just looping back around from \"On Body\" to \"On Body\" again after passing through the \"Floor\".]]\n\n{{Title text: During the second semester, the path is briefly routed through the dishwasher.}}", "alt": "During the second semester, the path is briefly routed through the dishwasher.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/laundry.png", "title": "Laundry", "day": "8" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1067, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pressures", "transcript": "[[A person walks up to a patent clerk examining documents]]\nPerson: So.. what\u0027ve you been up to?\nPatent Clerk: Handling patent applications.\nPerson: Yeah, but... besides that?\nPatent Clerk: That\u0027s about it.\nPerson: You\u0027re not, like, thinking about any cool stuff? Just curious.\nFor the last hundred years, Swiss patent clerks have been under some weird pressures.\n\n{{Title text: Everyone\u0027s caught by surprise when a theory of quantum gravity is developed by a sound technician wearing patent leather shoes while editing Clerks II.}}", "alt": "Everyone\u0027s caught by surprise when a theory of quantum gravity is developed by a sound technician wearing patent leather shoes while editing Clerks II.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pressures.png", "title": "Pressures", "day": "11" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1068, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Swiftkey", "transcript": "[[Person 1 shows off phone to Person 2]]\nPerson 1: Have you tried SwiftKey? It\u0027s got the first decent language model I\u0027ve seen. It learns from your SMS\nEmail archives what words you use together most often.\n\nPerson 1: Spacebar inserts its best guess. So if I type \"The Empi\" and hit space three times, it types \"The Empire Strikes Back\".\nPerson 2: What if you mash space in a blank message?\n\nPerson 1: I guess it fills in your most likely first word, then the word that usually follows it..\nPerson 2: So it builds up your \"typical\" sentence. Cool! Let\u0027s see yours!\nPerson 1: Uh--\n\nSwiftKey: I\n\nSwiftKey: Am\n\nSwiftKey: So\n\nSwiftKey: Sorry\n\nSwiftKey: That\u0027s\n\nSwiftKey: Never\n\nSwiftKey: Happened\n\nSwiftKey: Before.\n\n{{Title text: Although the Markov chain-style text model is still rudimentary; it recently gave me \"Massachusetts Institute of America\". Although I have to admit it sounds prestigious.}}", "alt": "Although the Markov chain-style text model is still rudimentary; it recently gave me \"Massachusetts Institute of America\". Although I have to admit it sounds prestigious.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/swiftkey.png", "title": "Swiftkey", "day": "13" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1069, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Alphabet", "transcript": "[[A guy walks up to a girl sitting at a bar]]\nBaby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I\u0027d forget about you in a *heartbeat*. I\u0027m not gonna waste my one chance to help the mess that is English orthography.\n\n{{Title text: Do I get to remove letters entirely? Or just rearrange them? Because the \u0027k\nc\u0027 situation is ridiculous. Look, we can make out whenever. This is *immortality*!}}", "alt": "Do I get to remove letters entirely? Or just rearrange them? Because the \u0027k/c\u0027 situation is ridiculous. Look, we can make out whenever. This is *immortality*!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/alphabet.png", "title": "Alphabet", "day": "15" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1070, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Words for Small Sets", "transcript": "[[A very small chart]]\nJust to clear things up:\nA few: anywhere from 2 to 5\nA handful: anywhere from 2 to 5\nSeveral: anywhere from 2 to 5\nA couple: 2 (but sometimes up to 5\n\n{{Title text: If things are too quiet, try asking a couple of friends whether \"a couple\" should always mean \"two\". As with the question of how many spaces should go after a period, it can turn acrimonious surprisingly fast unless all three of them agree.}}", "alt": "If things are too quiet, try asking a couple of friends whether \"a couple\" should always mean \"two\". As with the question of how many spaces should go after a period, it can turn acrimonious surprisingly fast unless all three of them agree.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/words_for_small_sets.png", "title": "Words for Small Sets", "day": "18" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1071, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1071/large/", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Exoplanets", "transcript": "[[An enormous diagram of dots, mostly of varying shades of brown and greenish yellow, with a number of smaller blue dots and larger red dots.]]\nAll 786 known planets (as of June 2012) to scale. (Some planet sizes estimated based on mass)\nThis [[indicating a small section of 8 planets out of the several hundreds]] is our solar system. \nThe rest of these orbit other stars and were only discovered recently. \nMost of them are huge because those are the kind we learned to detect first, but now we\u0027re finding that small ones are actually more common. \nWe know nothing about what\u0027s on any of them. With better telescopes, that could change. \n\nThis is an exciting time.\n\n\n{{Title text: Planets are turning out to be so common that to show all the planets in our galaxy, this chart would have to be nested in itself--with each planet replaced by a copy of the chart--at least three levels deep.}}", "alt": "Planets are turning out to be so common that to show all the planets in our galaxy, this chart would have to be nested in itself--with each planet replaced by a copy of the chart--at least three levels deep.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exoplanets.png", "title": "Exoplanets", "day": "20" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1072, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Seventies", "transcript": "Person 1: Nice jacket. Hey -- the Seventies called.\nPerson 2: Oh? What\u0027d they want?\n\n[[Person 1 looking at phone]]\nPerson 1: I don\u0027t know. They didn\u0027t leave a message.\nPerson 2: Weird.\n\n1974:\n[[Person in bell bottoms using a rotary phone to call the present day, with an incredulous look on his face.]]\nVoicemail service: If you\u0027d like to leave a message, press \"1\".\n\n{{Title text: Hey, man, the 1670s called. They were like \u0027Wherefore this demonic inÅ¿trument? By what Å¿orcery does it produce Å¿uch Å¿ounds?\"}}", "alt": "Hey, man, the 1670s called. They were like \u0027Wherefore this demonic inſtrument? By what ſorcery does it produce ſuch ſounds?\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/seventies.png", "title": "Seventies", "day": "22" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1073, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Weekend", "transcript": "[[A man stands at a podium before a very large crowd.]]\nMan: We all hate Mondays. We\u0027re all working for the weekend. But our chains exist only in our minds.\n\n[[A shot of the man from the podium upwards, from a 3\n4 angle. He raises one hand in explanation.]]\nMan: Calendars are just social consensus. Nature doesn\u0027t know the day of the week.\n\n[[Closer still, looking straight ahead.]]\nMan: My friends-- we can \nmake\n today Saturday.\n\n[[Extreme close-up, negative colors.]]\nMan: We can make it saturday \nforever\n.\n\n{{Title text: Of the two Garfields, you wouldn\u0027t think the cat would turn out to be the more compelling presidential speechwriter, but there you go.}}", "alt": "Of the two Garfields, you wouldn\u0027t think the cat would turn out to be the more compelling presidential speechwriter, but there you go.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/weekend.png", "title": "Weekend", "day": "25" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1074, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Moon Landing", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting at a table with a laptop open. His hands are on the keys.]]\nMan: Hah-- Neil DeGrasse Tyson has a great reply to people who doubt astronauts went to the moon.\nVoice off-screen: Oh?\nMan: \"Atop 3,000 tons of rocket fuel, where \nelse\n do you think they were headed?\"\n\n[[The voice off screen turns out to be a woman. She is depicted, and now the man is off-screen.]]\nWoman: Cute. But it overlooks an even simpler argument.\nMan: Which is?\n\n[[Both the woman and man are now visible. The man has turned her chair around to face her.]]\nWoman: If NASA were willing to fake great accomplishments, they\u0027d have a second one by now.\nMan: \nOuch.\n\nWoman: ...too mean?\nMan: That burn was so harsh I think you deorbited.\n\n{{Title text: Ok, so Spirit and Opportunity are pretty awesome. And Kepler. And New Horizons, Cassini, Spirit and Opportunity, Curiosity, TiME, and Project M. But c\u0027mon, if the Earth were a basketball, in 40 years no human\u0027s been more than half an inch from the surface.}}", "alt": "Ok, so Spirit and Opportunity are pretty awesome. And Kepler. And New Horizons, Cassini, Curiosity, TiME, and Project M. But c\u0027mon, if the Earth were a basketball, in 40 years no human\u0027s been more than half an inch from the surface.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/moon_landing.png", "title": "Moon Landing", "day": "27" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1075, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Warning", "transcript": "[[An American Diamond warning sign with the following message on it:\nYou\u0027re in a box on wheels hurtling along several times faster than evolution could possibly have prepared you to go.\nNext 5 miles.]]\n\n{{Title text: Also possibly several miles beyond that.}}", "alt": "Also possibly several miles beyond that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/warning.png", "title": "Warning", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1076, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Groundhog Day", "transcript": "Groundhog Day really didn\u0027t end that way. When Bill Murray finally slept with Rita, it *didn\u0027t* break the loop. [[Phil Connors and Rita gettin\u0027 busy under the covers of his bed]]\n\nThey just kept having sex, night after night, [[bed containing Phil and Rita repeats]] February 2nd after February 2nd... [[calendar page repeats]] ..forever\n\nBut nothing is forever. Not even forever\n\nAnd the day *after* that sexual infinity [[calendar page here]] was February 3rd. \n\n264 days later (the length of a pregnancy) was october 23rd -- [[An enormous explosion in space]] Bishop Ussher\u0027s date for the birth of our world.\n\n{{Title text: If you closely examine the cosmic background radiation, you can pick up lingering echoes of \u0027I Got You Babe\u0027.}}", "alt": "If you closely examine the cosmic background radiation, you can pick up lingering echoes of \u0027I Got You Babe\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/groundhog_day.png", "title": "Groundhog Day", "day": "2" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1077, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Home Organization", "transcript": "[[One big plain room with a person sitting on the floor with a laptop on one side, a modem and wireless router on the other, and a big box full of the usual accoutrements of living in the middle, with \"MISC\" written on the side]]\n\nHome Organization Tip: Just Give Up.\n\n{{Title text: Lifehacking!}}", "alt": "Lifehacking!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/home_organization.png", "title": "Home Organization", "day": "4" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1078, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Knights", "transcript": "[[A chessboard. The black pawns have all gained longbows and have specifically taken down the enemy white knights (horses)]]\n\n{{Title text: 1. Ne3 ... âââ 2. Nc3 ... âââ 0-1}}", "alt": "1. Nf3 ... ↘↘↘ 2. Nc3 ... ↘↘↘ 0-1", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/knights.png", "title": "Knights", "day": "6" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1079, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1079/large/", "year": "2012", "news": "There\u0027s a larger version of this map \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/1079/large/\"\u003ehere\u003c/a\u003e! It\u0027s also available as a \u003ca href=\"https://store.xkcd.com/products/united-shapes-poster\"\u003eposter\u003c/a\u003e.\u003cbr /\u003eNew: \u003ca href=\"https://what-if.xkcd.com/1/\"\u003ewhat-if.xkcd.com\u003c/a\u003e: abusing science to answer hypothetical questions.\u003cbr /\u003eI\u0027ll answer a new reader question every Tuesday.", "safe_title": "United Shapes", "transcript": "The United Shapes: A map of things states are shaped like\n\n((Each state has some item wedged to stay inside its borders))\n\nAlabama: A moai head facing east.\nAlaska: Winne the Pooh with a jetpack and a ray gun.\nArizona: A refrigerated shelf containing milk, bread, and pastries.\nArkansas: A measuring cup.\nCalifornia: A vacuum.\nColorado: The wiki article on Colorado.\nConnecticut: A train conductor\u0027s hat.\nDelaware: A meerkat.\nFlorida: an eggplant.\nGeorgia: Missouri.\nHawaii: A snowball.\nIdaho: A garden gnome, sitting down.\nIllinois: A gangster with a guitar case, upside down.\nIndiana: The brush of a paintbrush.\nIowa: A tomato, lettuce, cold cut and cheese sandwich.\nKansas: A stand-up piano.\nKentucky: A cloud.\nLouisiana: A boot with some gum stuck to the bottom of it.\nMaine: A Vulcan salute.\nMaryland: A howling wolf, upside down.\nMassachusetts: An elephant, being ridden by a man, carrying tea.\nMichigan: A mitten for the lower portion, an eagle for the UP.\nMinnesota: $160 in $20 USD bills.\nMississippi: A moai head facing west.\nMissouri: Georgia.\nMontana: One half of a muffin.\nNebraska: A blue VW type 2 with mattresses sticking out the back.\nNevada: A clothes iron.\nNew Hampshire: A tall brick factory building.\nNew Jersey: A bent-over old person.\nNew Mexico: A liquid container labeled for something of unusual and silly danger.\nNew York: A hybrid transmission with standard manual-style gears and a torque converter sliced in half.\nNorth Carolina: A bouquet of flowers.\nNorth Dakota: The top half of an amp.\nOhio: Underwear (Briefs).\nOklahoma: A covered pot, dripping with boilover.\nOregon: A locomotive.\nPennsylvania: A very thick book with a bookmark.\nRhode Island: The bow half of a boat\u0027s hull.\nSouth Carolina: A slice of pizza.\nSouth Dakota: The bottom half of an amp.\nTennessee: A number of childrens\u0027 books, placed in a slightly askew pile.\nTexas: A dog sitting in a bowl.\nUtah: An oven.\nVermont: A microscope, upside down.\nVirgina: A frog.\nWashington: A whale.\nWest Virginia: A stegosaurid.\nWisconsin: A skull.\nWyoming: An envelope.\n\n{{Title text: That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.}}", "alt": "That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/united_shapes.png", "title": "United Shapes", "day": "9" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1080, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1080/large/", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Visual Field", "transcript": "Your Central Visual Field\n\n((This comic contains numerous visual elements arranged around a central point, and are intended to represent locations in a sphere with the eyeball as the center. Underlaid below all of the elements are concentric circles representing degrees from straight ahead, using the eyeball\u0027s point of view, denoting where these elements would appear in someone\u0027s field of vision given proper setup. For this description, elements will be described using this grid plus location in degrees within the specified circle, placing 0 degrees to the right and going counterclockwise, separated with the word \"mark\".))\n\n[[At the top are the instructions to view this page]]\nLook at the center with your eyes this far from the screen.\n[[A rolled-up sheet of paper that equals about 55 total horizontal degrees in width in the measurement of the chart]]\n(You can roll up a sheet of paper and cut it - or zoom the page - so it matches this image)\n\n17 mark 0: right eye blind spot. \n\nfrom 0 to 30 mark 15: [[The same image, increasing in absolute size from a very tiny object in the center to one about 20x original size at 30 degrees]]\nDetail - We only see at high resolution over a small area in the center of our vision where retinal cells are densest (the fovea). If you stare at the center of this chart, your eyes are seeing all these panels at roughly the same level of detail.\n\n9 mark 105: Moon.\n\n7 mark 112: Supermoon. \n\nfrom 0 to 20 mark 170: [[Sets 3 partially overlapping circles in multiple locations along this path. Each set has a primary color in each circle and additive colors in the overlap areas, with color saturation decreasing sharply as the sets leave the center.]] \nColor Vision: We don\u0027t see much color outside the center of our vision - our brains keep track of what color things are and fill it in for us.\n\n17 mark 180: Left Eye Blind Spot. (not pictured: T-Boz blind spot, Chilli blind spot)\n\nfrom 0 to infinity mark from 180 to 205: [[A swath of blue, with heavier saturation up to 5 degrees from center to fading, but never gone out to the edges of the image]]\nfrom 0 to 7 from 205 to 235:[[A swath of red, with full saturation in the center and fading out completely at 7 degrees from center]]\nfrom 0 to 7 from 235 to 270:[[A swath of green, with full saturation in the center and fading out completely at 7 degrees from center]]\nRed and green-sensitive cones are mainly limited to the center of our vision. We have few blue-sensitive cone cells, but they\u0027re found out to the edge of our vision.\n\n25 mark 205: [[A small whisp of white in a swath of blue]]\nBlue-sky sprites: These tiny, darting spots, visible against smooth blue backgrounds, are white cells moving in the blood vessels over the retina]]\n\n5 mark 195: [[a long blob, slightly distorting the blue swath]]\nFloaters: Some types of floaters are caused by breakdown of your eyeball goop as you age, but this type is some other kind of debris near the retina. I don\u0027t know what.\n\n10 mark 270: [[An askew crosshair and circle, with faint blue and yellow wedges inside]]\nHumans can see polarization - Stare at a white area on an LCD display while rotating it or your head fast [[use straight ahead as the axis of rotation]]. Polarization direction is shown by a faint central yellow\nblue shape. (Also visible in deep blue skies)\n\nfrom 0 to 30 mark 340: [[The same image, increasing in absolute size from a very tiny object in the center to one about 20x original size at 30 degrees. The brightness of the image varies from black at 2 mark 340, to gray at 5 mark 340, to nearly white at 10 mark 340, to slightly grayer at 20 mark 340, to medium gray at 30 mark 340.]]\nNight Vision: Cone cells (sharp, central color vision) don\u0027t work in low light, but rod cells (monochrome, low-res, non-central) do. This is why you can walk around in dim light, but not read. It\u0027s also why you can spot fainter stars by looking next to them.\n\n\n\n\n\n{{Title text: I recently learned something that solved a mystery that had bugged me since childhood--why, when I looked at an analog clock, the hand would sometimes seem to take a couple seconds to start ticking. Google \"stopped clock illusion\".}}", "alt": "I recently learned something that solved a mystery that had bugged me since childhood--why, when I looked at an analog clock, the hand would sometimes seem to take a couple seconds to start ticking. Google \"stopped clock illusion\".", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/visual_field.png", "title": "Visual Field", "day": "11" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1081, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Argument Victory", "transcript": "Person 1, chatting on a cellphone: I can\u0027t believe you\u0027re so wrong. I\u0027m backed by Snopes, Wikipedia, and a half-dozen journals. You\u0027re citing .Net ppages with black backgrounds and like 20 fonts each.\n\nPerson 2, using a laptop on a desk: It\u0027s sad how you buy into the official story so unquestioningly. Guess some people prefer to stay asleep.\n\nPerson 1: Watch closely - I\u0027m about to win this argument.\nPerson 2, responding electronically: how?\n\nPerson 1: By *going down a waterslide*. [[The person is sitting at the very top of a waterslide preparing to descend]]\n\nPerson 2: So? what does that prove?\n\nPerson 1: Wheeee..\n\nPerson 2: You didn\u0027t win the argument!\n\nPerson 1: ...eeee \u003c\u003csploosh\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: Really, the comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the one claiming that anyone who\u0027s in power has any plan at all.}}", "alt": "Really, the comforting side in most conspiracy theory arguments is the one claiming that anyone who\u0027s in power has any plan at all.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/argument_victory.png", "title": "Argument Victory", "day": "13" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1082, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Geology", "transcript": "[[Two people are doing a geological survey]]\nPerson 1: Forget the bedding - we were wrong about the whole valley.\nPerson 2: The spreading is recent.\n\nPerson 1: See the friction breccia?\nPerson 2: Oh - flow cleavage! Deeper in the rift.\nPerson 1: Deeper.\n[[An idea pops into Person 1\u0027s head]]\n\nPerson 1: This orogeny\nPerson 2: is driven by a\nPerson 1: *huge*\nPerson 2: *thrust* fault\n[[The same idea pops into person 2\u0027s head]]\n\n[[They both drop to the ground in a fit of passion]]\nGeology: Surprisingly erotic.\n\n{{Title text: That\u0027s a gneiss butte.}}", "alt": "That\u0027s a gneiss butte.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geology.png", "title": "Geology", "day": "16" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1083, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Writing Styles", "transcript": "If you post: \nyou sound like\n\n((This is a chart with the above two labeled columns. The rows will be represented below in the same format))\n\n\"Ron Paul is the only candidate who offers us a real choice!\":\nA teenager\n\n\"its gettin 18 so ill b here 4 prob 2 more hrs tops\":\nA senator\n\n\n\n{{Title text: I liked the idea, suggested by h00k on bash.org, of a Twitter bot that messages prominent politicians to tell them when they\u0027ve unnecessarily used sms-speak abbreviations despite having plenty of characters left.}}", "alt": "I liked the idea, suggested by h00k on bash.org, of a Twitter bot that messages prominent politicians to tell them when they\u0027ve unnecessarily used sms-speak abbreviations despite having plenty of characters left.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/writing_styles.png", "title": "Writing Styles", "day": "18" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1084, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Server Problem", "transcript": "Person 1, sitting at laptop: I, um, messed up my server again.\nPerson 2: I\u0027ll take a look. You have the *weirdest* tech problems\n\n[[Person 2 uses the root prompt]]\n~# ls\n\n[[computer returns the following]]\n\nusr\nshare\nAdobe\ndoc\nexample\nandroid_vm\nroot\nsbin\nls.jar:\nError: Device is not responding.\n[[Person 2 has an amazingly incredulous look on their face]]\n\nPerson 2: What did you *do*!?\nPerson 1: Maybe the device is busy. Should I try it later?\nPerson 2: You should shut down this system and wait for the Singularity.\n\n{{Title text: Protip: Annoy Ray Kurzweil by always referring to it as the \u0027Cybersingularity\u0027.}}", "alt": "Protip: Annoy Ray Kurzweil by always referring to it as the \u0027Cybersingularity\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/server_problem.png", "title": "Server Problem", "day": "20" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1085, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "ContextBot", "transcript": "[[A social network feed with four status updates from four different people. Each one has a reply from the same account, which is called \u0027ContextBot\u0027, underneath.]]\nClose-up face w\n glasses: The things I put up with...\nContextBot: (His building\u0027s WiFi doesn\u0027t reach the bathroom.)\nMale\nfemale couple: You\u0027d think by now I\u0027d have learned never to trust anyone.\nContextBot: (She downloaded a torrent that turned out to be an encrypted .rar and a ilnk to a survey.)\nBlonde girl w\n bangs: I officially give up.\nContextBot: (She hit alt-tab to hide Minecraft at work and accidentally dropped a stack of diamond into lava.)\nSpiky hair guy: Sighhhh\nContextBot: (He thought these grapes were seedless.)\nEveryone stopped complaining about Google\u0027s data-gathering when they launched ContextBot, a system which replies to vague, enigmatic social network posts with context from the poster\u0027s life. \n\n{{Title text: If you read all vaguebooking\nvaguetweeting with the assumption that they\u0027re saying everything they can without revealing classified military information, the internet gets way more exciting.}}", "alt": "If you read all vaguebooking/vaguetweeting with the assumption that they\u0027re saying everything they can without revealing classified military information, the internet gets way more exciting.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/contextbot.png", "title": "ContextBot", "day": "23" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1086, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Eyelash Wish Log", "transcript": "((The panel appears to be the log from a \u0027wish bureau\u0027.))\n\nEyelash Wish Log\n Wish Bureau ID #:\n 21118378\n Date range:\n Jan-Apr 2012\n[[The \u0027Wisher\u0027 is black hat guy.]]\nWisher\n\nDate Wish\nJan 09 That wishing on eyelashes worked\nJan 12 A pony\nJan 15 Unlimited wishes\nJan 19 Revocation of rules prohibiting unlimited wishes\nJan 20 A finite but arbitrarily large number of wishes\nJan 28 The power to dictate the rules governing wishes\nFeb 05 Unlimited eyelashes\nFeb 06 That wish-granting entities be required to interpret wishes in accordance with the intent of the wisher\nFeb 08 That wish-granting entities be incapable of impatience\nFeb 12 Unlimited breadsticks\nFeb 12 Veto power over others\u0027 wishes\nFeb 19 Veto power over others\u0027 wishes and all congressional legislation\nFeb 23 The power to override any veto\nFeb 27 The power to see where any shortened url goes without clicking\nFeb 29 The power to control the direction news anchors are looking while they talk\nMar 07 The power to introduce arbitrary error into Nate Silver\u0027s predictions\nMar 15 A house of stairs\nMar 23 A universe which is a replica of this one sans rules against meta-wishes\nMar 29 Free transportation to and from that universe\nApr 02 A clear explanation of how wish rules are structured and enforced\nApr 07 The power to banish people into the TV show they\u0027re talking about\nApr 08 Zero wishes\nApr 15 Veto power over clocks\nApr 22 A Pokéball that works on strangers\u0027 pets\n\n{{Title text: Ooh, another one. Uh ... the ability to alter any coefficients of friction at will during sporting events.}}", "alt": "Ooh, another one. Uh ... the ability to alter any coefficients of friction at will during sporting events.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/eyelash_wish_log.png", "title": "Eyelash Wish Log", "day": "25" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1087, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cirith Ungol", "transcript": "[[A character in a long flowing robe holds up a lantern in one hand; the One Ring is dangling from a necklace in the other. The scene is a cave, profuse with spiderwebs, bones hanging in some of them. On one of the webs are words, presumably written by the spider.]]\nSOME PIG\n\n{{Title text: My all-time favorite example of syntactic ambiguity comes from Wikipedia: \u0027Charlotte\u0027s Web is a children\u0027s novel by American author E. B. White, about a pig named Wilbur who is saved from being slaughtered by an intelligent spider named Charlotte.\u0027}}", "alt": "My all-time favorite example of syntactic ambiguity comes from Wikipedia: \u0027Charlotte\u0027s Web is a children\u0027s novel by American author E. B. White, about a pig named Wilbur who is saved from being slaughtered by an intelligent spider named Charlotte.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cirith_ungol.png", "title": "Cirith Ungol", "day": "27" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1088, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Five Years", "transcript": "[[ Two characters sit across from each other at a desk. One has a beret and the other has a bun. ]]\nBun: Where do you see yourself in five years?\nBeret: Oh man, I don\u0027t know! Let\u0027s find out!\n\n[[ The characters stare at one another. ]]\n\n[[ Cobwebs and hair grow; the desk and chairs fall into disrepair. ]]\n\n[[ Five years pass. ]]\nBeret: Hah--\nBeret: I \nthought\n so!\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Well, no further questions. You\u0027re hired!\u0027 \u0027Oh, sorry! I\u0027m no longer interested. There\u0027s a bunch of future I gotta go check out!\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Well, no further questions. You\u0027re hired!\u0027 \u0027Oh, sorry! I\u0027m no longer interested. There\u0027s a bunch of future I gotta go check out!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/five_years.png", "title": "Five Years", "day": "30" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1089, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Internal Monologue", "transcript": "[[The scene is a party. Two characters are talking - the entirety of the text is a thought bubble of one of the two.]]\nThinker: Am I smiling enough? Should I be leaning on something? Where should my hands go? I hope he doesn\u0027t ask me what his name is. I\u0027ve said \"yeah\" too much; what are some other agreeing words? Oh crap, his story just got sad \nstop smiling stop smiling\n\n\n{{Title text: Oh right, eye contact. Ok, good, holding the eye contact ... holding ... still holding ... ok, too long! Getting weird! Quick, look thoughtfully into space and nod. Oh, dammit, said \u0027yeah\u0027 again!}}", "alt": "Oh right, eye contact. Ok, good, holding the eye contact ... holding ... still holding ... ok, too long! Getting weird! Quick, look thoughtfully into space and nod. Oh, dammit, said \u0027yeah\u0027 again!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/internal_monologue.png", "title": "Internal Monologue", "day": "1" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1090, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Formal Languages", "transcript": "[[A large banner is hanging over a podium, where a speaker is standing. A stick figure crashes through the left side of the panel, scattering glass.]]\n10th Annual Symposium on Formal Languages\n\u003c\u003cCRASH\u003e\u003e\n\nFigure: Grammar!\n\n[[The figure runs off the right side of the panel, so swiftly it leaves a cloud of dust in its wake. The speaker at the podium just watches silently.]]\n\n{{Title text: [audience looks around] \u0027What just happened?\u0027 \u0027There must be some context we\u0027re missing.\u0027}}", "alt": "[audience looks around] \u0027What just happened?\u0027 \u0027There must be some context we\u0027re missing.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/formal_languages.png", "title": "Formal Languages", "day": "3" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1091, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Curiosity", "transcript": "[[The Curiosity rover is lowered onto the Mars surface by a Sky Crane.]]\n\nYour excuse for anything today:\n\n\"Sorry - I was up all night trying to download photos taken by a robot lowered onto Mars by a Skycrane.\"\n\n{{Title text: As of this writing the NASA\nJPL websites are still overloaded. Trying CURIOSITY-REAR-CAM_[256px_x_256px].torrent.SwEsUb.DVDRip.XviD-aXXo.jpg instead.}}", "alt": "As of this writing the NASA/JPL websites are still overloaded. Trying CURIOSITY-REAR-CAM_[256px_x_256px].torrent.SwEsUb.DVDRip.XviD-aXXo.jpg instead.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/curiosity.png", "title": "Curiosity", "day": "6" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1092, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Michael Phelps", "transcript": "[[Two people standing outside their en-Phelps-ified swimming pool]]\nPerson 1: Why is Michael Phelps in your backyard pool?\nPerson 2: I don\u0027t know. He\u0027s been there all day. Go home, Michael!\nMichael Phelps: Woo! 18 gold medals!\n\n[[The two people break out a pair of pool nets and unsuccessfully try to snag Phelps]]\nPerson 1: Can you get him?\nPerson 2: He\u0027s so *fast*!\nPhelps: Ha hah! Can\u0027t catch me! \u003c\u003cSplash splash\u003e\u003e\n\n[[One person heads off to fetch something]]\n\n[[Person returns with a hand truck full of jello mix]]\nPhelps: Oh crap.\n\n{{Title text: [shortly] ... he ate ALL of it!?}}", "alt": "[shortly] ... he ate ALL of it!?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/michael_phelps.png", "title": "Michael Phelps", "day": "8" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1093, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Forget", "transcript": "When will we forget?\nBased on US Census Bureau national population projections.\nAssuming we don\u0027t remember cultural events from before age 5 or 6.\nBy this year: the majority of Americans will be too young to remember:\n2012: The seventies\n2013: The Carter presidency\n2014: The Reagan shooting\n2015: The Falkland Islands war\n2016: Return of the Jedi release\n2017: The first Apple Macintosh\n2018: New Coke\n2019: Challenger\n2020: Chernobyl\n2021: Black Monday\n2022: The Reagan Presidency\n2023: The Berlin Wall\n2024: Hammertime\n2025: The Soviet Union\n2026: The LA Riots\n2027: Lorena Bobbit\n2028: The Forrest Gump release\n2029: The Rwandan Genocide\n2030: OJ Simpson\u0027s trial\n2031: Clinton\u0027s reelection\n2032: Princess Diana\n2033: Clinton\u0027s impeachment\n2034: Columbine\n2035: Forgot about Dre\n2036: 9\n11\n2037: VH1\u0027s I Love the 80s\n2038: A time before Facebook.\n2039: VH1\u0027s I Love the 90s\n2040: Hurricane Katrina\n2041: The planet Pluto\n2042: The first iPhone\n2043: The Bush presidency\n2044: Michael Jackson\n2045: trying to say \"Eyjafjallajökull\"\n2046: The Arab Spring\n2047: Anything embarrassing you do today.\n\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Baby Got Back\u0027 turned 20 this year. My favorite nostalgia show is VH1\u0027s \u0027I Love The Inexorable March of Time Toward the Grave That Awaits Us All.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Baby Got Back\u0027 turned 20 this year. My favorite nostalgia show is VH1\u0027s \u0027I Love The Inexorable March of Time Toward the Grave That Awaits Us All.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/forget.png", "title": "Forget", "day": "10" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1094, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interview", "transcript": "[[Black Hat Man is interviewed for a job at an interviewer\u0027s desk]]\nInterviewer: ..but thank you for applying. We\u0027ll keep your résumé on file.\n\n[[Black Hat Man places a briefcase onto the interviewer\u0027s desk]]\nBlack Hat Man: Perhaps *this* could change your mind?\n\n[[Interviewer opens the briefcase]]\n\n[[..the briefcase opens into a hole that extends below the desk]]\n\n[[The hole looks miles deep]]\n\n[[The view falls into the hole]]\n\n[[The interviewer falls down the hole]]\n\n[[The interviewer lands on a chair with a briefcase]]\n\n[[The positions from the original scene have switched and Black Hat Man is now interviewing]]\nBlack Hat Man: ..but thank you for applying. We\u0027ll keep your résumé on file.\n\n[[Interviewer looks confused]]\n\n[[Interviewer notices the briefcase]]\n\n[[Interviewer places briefcase on the desk]]\nInterviewer: Perhaps *this* could change your mind?\n\n[[Black Hat Man opens the briefcase]]\n\n[[Black Hat Man looks inside]]\n\n[[Black Hat Man spins the briefcase around]]\nBlack Hat Man: I\u0027m sorry..\n\nBlack Hat Man: - that opening has been filled\n[[briefcase contains the normal business elements of a briefcase]]\n\n{{Title text: Hey, before you go, can you explain to me what job I now have?}}", "alt": "Hey, before you go, can you explain to me what job I now have?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interview.png", "title": "Interview", "day": "13" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1095, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Crazy Straws", "transcript": "[[Two people hang out with some beverages. The speaker here has a bright green crazy straw]]\n\nCrazy Straw Person: The thing to understand about the plastic crazy straw design world is that there are two main camps: The professionals - designing for established brands - and the hobbyists. The hobbyist mailing lists are full of drama, with friction between the regulars and a splinter group focused on loops..\nHuman subcultures are nested fractally. There\u0027s no bottom.\n\n{{Title text: The new crowd is heavily shaped by this guy named Eric, who\u0027s basically the Paris Hilton of the amateur plastic crazy straw design world.}}", "alt": "The new crowd is heavily shaped by this guy named Eric, who\u0027s basically the Paris Hilton of the amateur plastic crazy straw design world.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/crazy_straws.png", "title": "Crazy Straws", "day": "15" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1096, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Clinically Studied Ingredient", "transcript": "I can\u0027t help but admire the audacity of the marketer who came up with the phrase \"contains a clinically studied ingredient\"\n[[Two people are about to enter a bed for.. activities]]\nPerson 1: Don\u0027t worry - I\u0027ve been tested.\nPerson 2: ...and you\u0027re clean?\nPerson 1: So many questions!\n\n{{Title text: Blatantly banking on customers not understanding that it\u0027s like a Hollywood studio advertising that their new movie was \u0027watched by Roger Ebert\u0027.}}", "alt": "Blatantly banking on customers not understanding that it\u0027s like a Hollywood studio advertising that their new movie was \u0027watched by Roger Ebert\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/clinically_studied_ingredient.png", "title": "Clinically Studied Ingredient", "day": "17" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1097, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "A Hypochondriac\u0027s Nightmare", "transcript": "[[A person at an airport slips on a banana peel and gets sucked into a nearby jet engine]]\nPerson (thinking): Seriously!? *This* is what gets me? I wasted so many hours on WebMD worrying about the rash on my arm!\n\n{{Title text: BUT WHAT IF I REASSURE MYSELF WITH A JOKE AND THEN DON\u0027T WORRY ABOUT THE RASH AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE DEATH MITES AND I COULD HAVE CAUGHT IT}}", "alt": "BUT WHAT IF I REASSURE MYSELF WITH A JOKE AND THEN DON\u0027T WORRY ABOUT THE RASH AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE DEATH MITES AND I COULD HAVE CAUGHT IT", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/a_hypochondriacs_nightmare.png", "title": "A Hypochondriac\u0027s Nightmare", "day": "20" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1098, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Star Ratings", "transcript": "Understanding online star ratings:\n\n5 stars: [has only one review]\n4.5 stars: Excellent\n4 stars: OK\n3.5 - 1 star: Crap.\n\n{{Title text: I got lost and wandered into the world\u0027s creepiest cemetery, where the headstones just had names and star ratings. Freaked me out. When I got home I tried to leave the cemetery a bad review on Yelp, but as my hand hovered over the \u0027one star\u0027 button I felt this distant chill ...}}", "alt": "I got lost and wandered into the world\u0027s creepiest cemetery, where the headstones just had names and star ratings. Freaked me out. When I got home I tried to leave the cemetery a bad review on Yelp, but as my hand hovered over the \u0027one star\u0027 button I felt this distant chill ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/star_ratings.png", "title": "Star Ratings", "day": "22" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1099, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tuesdays", "transcript": "[[An unbuxom waitress begins to serve some customers at a table]]\nWaitress: ..and on Tuesdays we offer endless wings.\nWhite Beret Guy: Haha, cool. i have those.\n\nWaitress: You what?\n\n[[White Beret Guy sprouts a pair of wings]]\nWaitress: AAAAA!!\n\n[[White Beret Guy\u0027s wings start getting longer]]\nEveryone: AAAAAAA\n\n[[Wings start to extend into space out from the earth]]\n*Really* Everyone: AAAAAAAA\n\n{{Title text: Try our bottomless drinks and fall forever!}}", "alt": "Try our bottomless drinks and fall forever!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tuesdays.png", "title": "Tuesdays", "day": "24" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1100, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Vows", "transcript": "[[A bride and groom stand next to each other. Each has a hand outstretched toward the other.]]\nOfficiator (out of panel): Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?\nBride: ...no.\n\n[[The groom steps back in surprise. The bride removes her wig to reveal she is a man.]]\nGroom: \nWhat? Amy!?\n\nBride: I\u0027m not Amy. None of this was real. You\u0027re back in senior year. It\u0027s the big game.\n\n[[The groom puts his hands to his head in confusion. The \"bride\" holds up a football, still holding the wig in his other hand.]]\nGroom: What \nis\n this!?\nBride: \nThe greatest high school football misdirection play of all time.\n\n\n[[The groom puts his hands to his mouth as the man in the wedding dress begins to run backwards, away from him.]]\n\n((Outside the final panel.))\n[[The groom remains frozen in horror as the \"bride\" turns and dashes toward the goalpost in the distance.]]\n\n{{Title text: So, um. Do you want to get a drink after the game?}}", "alt": "So, um. Do you want to get a drink after the game?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/vows.png", "title": "Vows", "day": "27" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1101, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sketchiness", "transcript": "[[A timeline style graph.]]\nWORDS\nArranged by How Sketchy They Make the Sentence\n\"HEY BABY, WANNA COME BACK TO MY SEX ________?\"\n\nsketchy \u003c--------\u003e very sketchy\nparty --- orgy --- dungeon --- palace --- house --- shrine --- room --- basement --- truck --- platform --- van --- area --- crate --- chute --- ravine --- tarp\n\n{{Title text: factory --- spire --- onslaught --- extractor --- judge}}", "alt": "factory --- spire --- onslaught --- extractor --- judge", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sketchiness.png", "title": "Sketchiness", "day": "29" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1102, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fastest-Growing", "transcript": "[[A man with a combover, a book, and a clipboard approaches black-hat man.]]\nCombover: You should check us out. We\u0027re the fastest-growing religion in the country.\nBlack hat: \"Fastest-growing\" is such a dubious claim.\nCombover: It\u0027s true! We grew by 85% over the past year.\n\n((Between panels.))\n[[Black hat man shouts to someone out of frame.]]\nBlack hat: Hey, Rob -- wanna join my religion?\nRob: Sure, whatever.\n\n[[Black hat man turns back to Combover and produces a notepad and pen.]]\nBlack hat: Well, looks like my religion grew by 100% this year.\n\n[[Black hat man begins to walk away.]]\nCombover: We have 38,000 members!\nBlack hat: Hope they\u0027re all ok with second place.\n\n{{Title text: I lead a small but extraordinarily persuasive religion whose only members are door-to-door proselytizers from other faiths.}}", "alt": "I lead a small but extraordinarily persuasive religion whose only members are door-to-door proselytizers from other faiths.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fastest_growing.png", "title": "Fastest-Growing", "day": "31" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1103, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nine", "transcript": "[[A man stands at a microwave, which hangs on the wall above the stove.]]\nMan: How long do you zap these?\nOut of panel person: Two minutes.\nMan: Thanks!\n\u003c\u003c*beep* 1\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003c*beep* 5\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003c*beep* 9\u003e\u003e\nMan (whispering): It\u0027s ok, Nine. You are not forgotten.\nEver since I heard the simile \"as neglected as the nine button on the microwave,\" I\u0027ve found myself adjusting cook times.\n\n{{Title text: FYI: If you get curious and start trying to calculate the time adjustment function that minimizes the gap between the most-used and least-used digit (for a representative sample of common cook times) without without altering any time by more than 10%, and someone asks you what you\u0027re doing, it\u0027s easier to just lie.}}", "alt": "FYI: If you get curious and start trying to calculate the time adjustment function that minimizes the gap between the most-used and least-used digit (for a representative sample of common cook times) without altering any time by more than 10%, and someone asks you what you\u0027re doing, it\u0027s easier to just lie.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nine.png", "title": "Nine", "day": "3" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1104, "link": "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3qpdk-U8fI0", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Feathers", "transcript": "[[A woman approaches a little girl, who is sitting on the floor with a pile of books, once of which she is reading.]]\nWoman: What are you reading about?\nGirl: Dinosaurs!\nWoman: Oh, yeah.\n\n[[The woman stands talking to the little girl, who is still looking at her book.]]\nWoman: They\u0027ve gotten all weird since when I was a kid. They used to be awesome, but now they all have dorky feathers, right?\nGirl: Yup!\n\n[[The woman is still standing, looking at the little girl.]]\nGirl: This says they now think raptors used their wings for stability, flapping to stay on top of their prey while hanging on with their hooked claws and eating it alive.\n*Fowler et al., PLOS ONE 6(12), 2011\n\n[[The woman stares at the girl, who is still reading the book.]]\n\n[[The woman sits down on the floor with the girl and starts reading another of the books.]]\n\n{{Title text: Click to see a video of a modern bird using stability flapping during predatory behavior. It all fits! Also, apparently Microraptor had *four* wings? The past keeps getting cooler! (And there\u0027s more of it every day!)}}", "alt": "Click to see a video of a modern bird using stability flapping during predatory behavior. It all fits! Also, apparently Microraptor had *four* wings? The past keeps getting cooler! (And there\u0027s more of it every day!)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/feathers.png", "title": "Feathers", "day": "5" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1105, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "License Plate", "transcript": "[[A guy walking toward the left, holding a car license plate in front of him.]]\nGuy: Check out my personalized license plate!\nGirl (out of frame): \"1I1-III1\"?\n\n[[The girl is now in frame, sitting in an office chair, looking down at the license plate in her hands. The guy stands in front of her, rubbing his hands together with glee.]]\nGuy: No one will be able to correctly record my plate number! I can commit any crime I want!\nGirl: Sounds foolproof.\n\nSOON:\n[[A witness (a bald man in glasses) stands in front of yellow \u0027DO NOT CROSS\u0027 police tape, speaking to a pair of police officers. One officer is facing him, writing in a notepad, the other is turning to walk away.]]\nWitness: The thief\u0027s license plate was all \"1\"s or something.\nPO #1: Oh. \nThat\n guy.\nPO #2: His address is on a post-it in the squad car.\n\n{{Title text: The next day: \u0027What? Six bank robberies!? But I just vandalized the library!\u0027 \u0027Nice try. They saw your plate with all the 1\u0027s and I\u0027s.\u0027 \u0027That\u0027s impossible! I\u0027ve been with my car the whole ti-- ... wait. Ok, wow, that was clever of her.\u0027}}", "alt": "The next day: \u0027What? Six bank robberies!? But I just vandalized the library!\u0027 \u0027Nice try. They saw your plate with all the 1\u0027s and I\u0027s.\u0027 \u0027That\u0027s impossible! I\u0027ve been with my car the whole ti-- ... wait. Ok, wow, that was clever of her.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/license_plate.png", "title": "License Plate", "day": "7" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1106, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "ADD", "transcript": "[[A person holding onto a balloon labeled \"math problem\" goes to grab another labeled \"call mom\"]]\n\n[[\"Check Oven\" appears off in the distance]]\n\n[[The person lets go of the first two..]]\n\n[[..leaps up and grabs \"Check Oven]]\n\n[[More balloons. \"parking meter\", \"taxes\", \"buy soap\", \"phone call\", \"relax\", \"inbox\", \"clean\", \"beat game\", \"feed cat\", \"drink water\", \"call mom\", \"math problem\", \"send card\", \"check oven\", \"engine light\", \"read\", \"breathe\" all show up at once.]]\n\n{{Title text: 20 balloons float away while I\u0027m busy permanently tying one to a tree to deal with it for good. Unfortunately, that one balloon was \u0027land a rocket on the moon in Kerbal Space Program.\u0027}}", "alt": "20 balloons float away while I\u0027m busy permanently tying one to a tree to deal with it for good. Unfortunately, that one balloon was \u0027land a rocket on the moon in Kerbal Space Program.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/add.png", "title": "ADD", "day": "10" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1107, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sports Cheat Sheet", "transcript": "(( The panel is a chart. Months are arrayed down the first column, the second and third columns show sports, with the divisions in partial months rather than lined up with the ends of months. ))\nWhich sport are they arguing about?\n-My cheat sheet-\n\n(( The second column, reproduced using approximate dates. ))\nUS:\nFootball [[ovoid ball drawn in brackets]]: Jan 1 - February 10\nBasketball: February 10 - April 20\nBaseball: April 20 - May 25\nBasketball: May 25 - June 15\nBaseball: June 15 - August 20\nFootball [[ovoid]]: August 20 - October 5\nBaseball: October 5 - October 20\nFootball [[ovoid]]: October 20 - December 31\n\n(( The third column, reproduced using approximate dates. ))\nnon-US:\nFootball [[truncated icosahedron, 20 hexagons and 12 pentagons]]: Jan 1 - December 31\n\n{{Title text: I would subscribe to a Twitter feed that supplied you with one reasonable sports opinion per day, like \u0027The Red Sox can\u0027t make the playoffs (championship games), but in last night\u0027s game their win seriously damaged the chances of the Yankees (longstanding rival team).\u0027}}", "alt": "I would subscribe to a Twitter feed that supplied you with one reasonable sports opinion per day, like \u0027The Red Sox can\u0027t make the playoffs (championship games), but in last night\u0027s game their win seriously damaged the chances of the Yankees (longstanding rival team).\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sports_cheat_sheet.png", "title": "Sports Cheat Sheet", "day": "12" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1108, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cautionary Ghost", "transcript": "[[ A figure wakes up to an apparition hovering over their bed. ]]\nApparition: OOOOOOOOOOOOooooo\nFigure: A ghost!?\nApparition: I bring a \ncautionary vision\n of things to come!\n\nApparition: This is the future:\n[[ Two people are standing between a pair of houses. There is a tree. An airplane flies past. ]]\n\nApparition: And \nthis\n is the future if you give up the fight over the word \"literally\":\n[[ Two people are standing between a pair of houses. There is a tree. An airplane flies past. The cynical might suggest the panel is copy pasted.\n\n[[ Back to the figure in bed. ]]\nFigure: They looked exactly the same.\nApparition: OOOOOOOOOOOooooo\nFigure: Ok, I get it.\nApparition: Seriously, this is \nduuuuumb\n.\n\n{{Title text: But then the Ghost of Subjunctive Past showed up and told me to stay strong on \u0027if it were\u0027.}}", "alt": "But then the Ghost of Subjunctive Past showed up and told me to stay strong on \u0027if it were\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cautionary_ghost.png", "title": "Cautionary Ghost", "day": "14" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1109, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Refrigerator", "transcript": "[[A fridge with most of the shelves as conveyor belts that feed off to a \"bad\" tray. The top internal one starts at 3 days, and has markings for 2 days, 24 hours, and 12 hours. The middle internal one goes from 1 week to 5 days to 3 days to 2 and then to 1 day. The bottom internal one goes from 3 months to 2, 1, and then 2 weeks. One belt is mounted on the door, marked from 2 weeks to 1 week to 3 days.]]\n\n{{Title text: I want this engraved on my tombstone like the Epitaph of Stevinus.}}", "alt": "I want this engraved on my tombstone like the Epitaph of Stevinus.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/refrigerator.png", "title": "Refrigerator", "day": "17" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1110, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Click and Drag", "transcript": "[[A character is dangling from a balloon. All text appears in rectangular bubbles.]]\nCharacter: From the stories\nCharacter: I expected the world to be sad\nCharacter: And it was\n\nCharacter: And I expected it to be wonderful.\n\nCharacter: It was.\n\n((The last panel, unusually, is infinitely large, and this transcript is not wide enough to contain it. The part you can see in a normal browser window goes as follows.))\n[[ The same character is dangling above the ground, next to an intricately drawn tree with no leaves. ]]\nCharacter: I just didn\u0027t expect it to be so \nbig\n.\n\n{{Title text: Click and drag.}}", "alt": "Click and drag.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/click_and_drag.png", "title": "Click and Drag", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "", "post": "\n\u003cdiv class=\"map\"\u003e\u003cdiv class=\"ground\"\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"/s/a3c5de.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"/s/d28668.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "19" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1111, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Premiere", "transcript": "[[Standard vacuous entertainment newscast. An anchor starts off the segment with an inset feed of a field reporter]]\nIn-studio News Anchor: All Hollywood is in town or tonight\u0027s star-studded premier! We go live to our reporter on the red carpet. How do things look?\n\n[[Field reporter feed switches to fullscreen. The reporter is stating on the red carpet in front of a full crowd.]]\nField reporter: Bleak. In 800 million years, the aging, brightening sun will boil away the oceans, and all this will be blowing sand.\n\n[[Switch back to initial framing]]\nAnchor: Oh. Um. ..sounds pretty grim. How are the stars reacting?\nReporter: Hydrogen fusion. But it won\u0027t last forever.\nAnchor. I mean the *movie* stars.\nReporter: They won\u0027t last forever either. None of us will.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027But what\u0027s the buzz about the film?\u0027 \u0027We\u0027re hoping it\u0027s distracting.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027But what\u0027s the buzz about the film?\u0027 \u0027We\u0027re hoping it\u0027s distracting.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/premiere.png", "title": "Premiere", "day": "21" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1112, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Think Logically", "transcript": "[[A guy in a knit hat is sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop. Another guy is looking over his shoulder.]]\nLaptop: \n*move*\n\nOther guy: Why\u0027d you move your knight away?\n\n[[The guy in the hat turns around to look at the other guy.]]\nOther guy: Just think \nlogically\n. The goal is checkmate, so you should always move pieces \ntoward the other player\u0027s king.\n\n[[A close-up on the other guy, hand to chin in thought.]]\nOther guy: I guess occasionally you need to move backward, but it\u0027d be trivial to make a list of those circumstances and--\n\n[[The guy in the hat leans back in his chair.]]\nHat guy: Have you ever \nplayed\n chess?\nOther guy: Not buch, but--\nHat guy: Wanna?\nOther guy: Uh, ok.\n\n[[The two have set up a chessboard on a stool between them, the guy in the hat playing from his chair, the other guy standing. The guy in the hat takes the first move.]]\n*move*\n*move*\n*move*\n*move*\n*move*\n*move*\n*move*\nHat guy: Checkmate.\n\n[[The other guy stares at the board.]]\n\n[[The guy in the knit hat has turned back to his laptop, and the other guy is standing behind him, still looking at the chessboard on the stool.]]\nOther guy: This game isn\u0027t very well-designed. For starters, knights are too weak...\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027ve developed a more logical set of rules but the people on the chess community have a bunch of stupid emotional biases and won\u0027t reply to my posts.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ve developed a more logical set of rules but the people on the chess community have a bunch of stupid emotional biases and won\u0027t reply to my posts.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/think_logically.png", "title": "Think Logically", "day": "24" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1113, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Killed In Action", "transcript": "[[Five people are at a funeral, the casket is on a stand in the center. There are three people in the background, on the left side. On the right, in the foreground, are two police officers. One is male, the other female.]]\n\nFemale cop: Good cop. It\u0027s a real shame - he was just one day away from getting put in the locked, heavily-guarded room where all cops stay for the last day before they retire.\n\n{{Title text: We can\u0027t let this happen again. We need to build a secure TWO-day-before-retirement safe room.}}", "alt": "We can\u0027t let this happen again. We need to build a secure TWO-day-before-retirement safe room.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/killed_in_action.png", "title": "Killed In Action", "day": "26" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1114, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Metallurgy", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman stand at the counter of a shop. A man with a beard and a beret stands behind the counter, holding a sword.]]\nBeard: This sword was forged from a fallen star. Antimony impurities make the blade surprisingly \nbrittle\n and \nweak\n. \n\n[[A close-up on the man with the beard.]]\nBeard: And \nthis\n dagger is made of metal from a far-off kingdom. It glows blue.\nOut of panel: When orcs are near?\n\n[[The man with the beard holds a dagger.]]\nBeard: No, always. Radiation from the Actinum content. \nWoman: ...does it have eldritch powers?\n\n[[The bearded man puts the dagger back behind the counter.]]\nBeard: It gives the wielder +2 to cancer risk.\nOther Man: I think we should find another shop.\n\n{{Title text: This exotic blade was wrought from a different fallen star. The meteorite was a carbonaceous chondrite, so it\u0027s basically a lump of gravel glued into the shape of a sword. A SPACE sword!}}", "alt": "This exotic blade was wrought from a different fallen star. The meteorite was a carbonaceous chondrite, so it\u0027s basically a lump of gravel glued into the shape of a sword. A SPACE sword!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/metallurgy.png", "title": "Metallurgy", "day": "28" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1115, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sky", "transcript": "[[A woman approaches a guy in a white beret, who appears to be doing a handstand on the lawn.]]\nWoman: What are you doing?\nBeret: Clinging to the ceiling of a bottomless abyss.\n\n[[The woman walks past him.]]\nWoman: You are very odd.\n\n[[The woman towards a mailbox.]]\n\n[[As she passes the mailbox, she looks up.]]\n\n[[This panel appears to be upside down. The woman is clinging to the mailbox, and a woman with a ponytail approaches her.]]\nPonytail: What\u0027s wrong?\nWoman: I looked down.\n\n{{Title text: I dropped a bird and I didn\u0027t hear it hit bottom.}}", "alt": "I dropped a bird and I didn\u0027t hear it hit bottom.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sky.png", "title": "Sky", "day": "1" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1116, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Traffic Lights", "transcript": "[[Six traffic lights are hanging from a wire. A bird is on the wire. This is animated.]]\n[[On the far left, a pole has a sign disallowing all directions.]]\n[[The first light on the left has a right turn only sign.]]\n[[The next light has straight and right turn only.]]\n[[The far right light has a left turn only sign.]]\n[[If you watch long enough, the lights do odd things such as turn purple, or light up all three red.]]\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s an intersection I drive through sometimes that has a forward green arrow, a red light, and a \u0027no turns\u0027 sign all on one pole. I honestly have no idea what it\u0027s telling me to do.}}", "alt": "There\u0027s an intersection I drive through sometimes that has a forward green arrow, a red light, and a \u0027no turns\u0027 sign all on one pole. I honestly have no idea what it\u0027s telling me to do.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/traffic_lights.gif", "title": "Traffic Lights", "day": "3" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1117, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "My Sky", "transcript": "[[The first panel\u0027s scenery is upside down. An artist is hanging from the ground, looking down at the sky, where there is a cloud.]]\nArtist: Oh -- hello down there!\nArtist: Welcome to my sky!\n\n[[The artist is now standing on the ground looking up.]]\nArtist: It\u0027s pretty good.\nArtist: I like it.\nArtist: It\u0027s not the same color as \nanything\n.\n\n[[The scene zooms out, revealing more clouds.]]\nArtist: Wow!\nArtist: There are a \nlot\n of you!\nArtist: Good thing it\u0027s so big.\n\n[[A figure with long hair is talking to the artist at what\u0027s evidently an alcoholory, since the figure is holding a martini glass and there is a waiter in the background.]]\nFigure: And what do \nyou\n do?\nArtist: I\u0027m in the cloud storage business.\n\n{{Title text: According to my mom, my first word was (looking up at the sky) \u0027Wow!\u0027}}", "alt": "According to my mom, my first word was (looking up at the sky) \u0027Wow!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/my_sky.png", "title": "My Sky", "day": "5" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1118, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Microsoft", "transcript": "[[Two characters with long hair are talking.]]\nFirst character: Remember when we prosecuted Microsoft for bundling a browser with an OS?\nFirst character: Imagine the future we\u0027d live in if we\u0027d been willing to let one tech company amass that much power.\nSecond character: Thank god we nipped \nthat\n in the bud.\n\n{{Title text: Facebook, Apple, and Google all got away with their monopolist power grabs because they don\u0027t have any \u0027S\u0027s in their names for critics to snarkily replace with \u0027$\u0027s.}}", "alt": "Facebook, Apple, and Google all got away with their monopolist power grabs because they don\u0027t have any \u0027S\u0027s in their names for critics to snarkily replace with \u0027$\u0027s.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/microsoft.png", "title": "Microsoft", "day": "8" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1119, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Undoing", "transcript": "My hobby:\n[[A wind turbine has been disconnected from its transformer, and is wired directly to a large wooden fan. A figure stands proudly before the wooden fan.]]\nUndoing\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027ve been sneaking out at night and installing lamps on the underside of every photovoltaic panel I can find. Sure, there are upwards of 80% losses, but I prefer to think of them as nearly 20% gains.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ve been sneaking out at night and installing lamps on the underside of every photovoltaic panel I can find. Sure, there are upwards of 80% losses, but I prefer to think of them as nearly 20% gains.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/undoing.png", "title": "Undoing", "day": "10" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1120, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blurring the Line", "transcript": "[[A figure with a hat is talking to another figure.]]\nHat: ... No, but see, it\u0027s a movie \nabout\n movies.\nFigure: Sounds like masturbatory navel-gazing.\n\nHat: No, it\u0027s about blurring the line between metaphor and reality.\nHat: You just don\u0027t know much about art.\n\nFigure: I know \nall\n about blurring the line between metaphor and reality. I\u0027m the goddamn \nMichael Jordan\n of blurring the line between metaphor and reality.\n\n[[The figure walks away.]]\nHat: ... huh?\n\n[[A basketball flies into the panel and knocks the figure\u0027s hat off.]]\n\n{{Title text: People into masturbatory navel-gazing have a lot to learn about masturbation.}}", "alt": "People into masturbatory navel-gazing have a lot to learn about masturbation.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blurring_the_line.png", "title": "Blurring the Line", "day": "12" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1121, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Identity", "transcript": "[[A character is sending a message from their phone.]]\nCharacter: Hey, I lost the server password. What is it, again?\n\n[[Someone at a desk with a laptop on it replies.]]\nDesk Haver: It\u0027s -- ...wait. How do I know it\u0027s really you?\n\nCharacter: Ooh, good question! I bet we can construct a cool proof-of-identity protocol. I\u0027ll start by picking two random--\nDesk Haver: Oh good; it\u0027s you. Here\u0027s the psasword...\nCharacter: \nNO!\n\n\n{{Title text: Not sure why I just taught everyone to flawlessly impersonate me to pretty much anyone I know. Just remember to constantly bring up how cool it is that birds are dinosaurs and you\u0027ll be set.}}", "alt": "Not sure why I just taught everyone to flawlessly impersonate me to pretty much anyone I know. Just remember to constantly bring up how cool it is that birds are dinosaurs and you\u0027ll be set.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/identity.png", "title": "Identity", "day": "15" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1122, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Electoral Precedent", "transcript": "The Problem with Statements Like\n\"No \u003cparty\u003e candidate has won the election without \u003cstate\u003e\" \nor\n\"No President has been reelected under \u003ccircumstances\u003e\"\n\n[[Each panel is a variation on the others, with the date in a small box at the top left, a stick figure speaking the line in the main panel, and the concluding sentence underneath.]]\n\n1788\u0085\nNo one has been elected President before.\n\u0085but Washington was.\n\n1792\u0085\nNo incumbent has ever been selected.\n\u0085until Washington.\n\n1796\u0085\nNo one without false teeth has become President.\n\u0085but Adams did.\n\n1800\u0085\nNo challenger has beaten an incumbent. \n\u0085but Jefferson did.\n\n1804\u0085\nNo incumbent has beaten a challenger.\n\u0085until Jefferson.\n\n1808\u0085\nNo congressman has ever become President.\n\u0085until Madison.\n\n1812\u0085\nNo one can win without New York.\n\u0085but Madison did.\n\n1816\u0085\nNo candidate who doesn\u0027t wear a wig can get elected.\n\u0085until Monroe was.\n\n1820\u0085\nNo one who wears pants instead of breeches can be reelected.\n\u0085but Monroe was.\n\n1824\u0085\nNo one has ever won without a popular majority.\n\u0085J.Q. Adams did.\n\n1828\u0085\nOnly people from Massachusetts and Virginia can win.\n\u0085until Jackson did.\n\n1832\u0085\nThe only Presidents who get reelected are Virginians.\n\u0085until Jackson.\n\n1836\u0085\nNew Yorkers always lose.\n\u0085until Van Buren.\n\n1840\u0085\nNo one over 65 has won the Presidency.\n\u0085until Harrison did.\n\n1844\u0085\nNo one who\u0027s lost his home state has won.\n\u0085but Polk did.\n\n1848\u0085\nThe Democrats don\u0027t lose when they win Pennsylvania.\n\u0085but they did in 1848.\n\n1852\u0085\nNew England Democrats can\u0027t win.\n\u0085until Pierce did.\n\n1856\u0085\nNo one can become President without getting married.\n\u0085until Buchanan did.\n\n1860\u0085\nNo one over 6\u00275\" can get elected.\n\u0085until Lincoln.\n\n1864\u0085\nNo one with a beard has been reelected.\n\u0085but Lincoln was.\n\n1868\u0085\nNo one can be President if their parents are alive.\n\u0085until Grant.\n\n1872\u0085\nNo one with a beard has been reelected in peacetime.\n\u0085until Grant was.\n\n1876\u0085\nNo one can win a majority of the popular vote and still lose.\n\u0085Tilden did.\n\n1880\u0085\nAs goes California, so goes the nation.\n\u0085until it went Hancock.\n\n1884\u0085\nCandidates named \u0027James\u0027 can\u0027t lose.\n\u0085until James Blaine.\n\n1888\u0085\nNo sitting President has been beaten since the Civil War.\n\u0085Cleveland was.\n\n1892\u0085\nNo former President has been elected.\n\u0085until Cleveland.\n\n1896\u0085\nTall Midwesterners are unbeatable.\n\u0085Bryan wasn\u0027t. \n\n1900\u0085\nNo Republican shorter than 5\u00278\" has been reelected.\n\u0085until McKinley was.\n\n1904\u0085\nNo one under 45 has been elected.\n\u0085Roosevelt was.\n\n1908\u0085\nNo Republican who hasn\u0027t served in the military has won.\n\u0085until Taft.\n\n1912\u0085\nAfter Lincoln beat the Deocrats while sporting a beard with no mustache, the only Democrats who can win have a mustache with no beard.\n\u0085Wilson had neither.\n\n1916\u0085\nNo Democrat has won without Indiana.\n\u0085Wilson did.\n\n1920\u0085\nNo incumbent senator has won.\n\u0085until Harding.\n\n1924\u0085\nNo one with two Cs in their name has become President.\n\u0085until Calvin Coolidge.\n\n1928\u0085\nNo one who got ten million votes has lost.\n\u0085until Al Smith.\n\n1932\u0085\nNo Democrat has won since women secured the right to vote.\n\u0085until FDR did.\n\n1936\u0085\nNo President\u0027s been reelected with double-digit unemployment.\n\u0085until FDR was.\n\n1940\u0085\nNo one has won a third term.\n\u0085until FDR did.\n\n1944\u0085\nNo Democrat has won during wartime.\n\u0085until FDR did.\n\n1948\u0085\nDemocrats can\u0027t win without Alabama.\n\u0085Truman did.\n\n1952\u0085\nNo Republican has won without winning the House or Senate.\n\u0085Eisenhower did.\n\n1956\u0085\nNo Republican has won without Missouri.\n\u0085until Eisenhower.\n\n1960\u0085\nRepublicans without facial hare are unbeatable.\n\u0085Kennedy beat Nixon.\n\n1964\u0085 \nNo Democrat has won without Georgia.\n\u0085Johnson did.\n\n1968\u0085\nNo Republican Vice President has risen to the Presidency through an election.\n\u0085until Nixon.\n\n1972\u0085\nNo wartime candidate has won without Massachusetts.\n\u0085until Nixon did.\n\n1976\u0085\nNo one who lost New Mexico has won.\n\u0085but Carter did.\n\n1980\u0085\nNo one has been elected President after a divorce.\n\u0085until Reagan was.\n\n1984\u0085\nNo left-handed President has been reelected.\n\u0085until Reagan was.\n\n1988\u0085\nNo Democrat who has won Wisconsin (without being from there) has lost.\n\u0085until Dukakis did.\n\n1992\u0085\nNo Democrat has won without a majority of the Catholic vote.\n\u0085until Clinton did.\n\n1996\u0085\nNo Dem. incumbent without combat experience has beaten someone whose first name is worth more in Scrabble.\n\u0085until Bill beat Bob.\n\n2000\u0085\nNo Republican has won without Vermont.\n\u0085until Bush did.\n\n2004\u0085\nNo Republican without combat experience has beaten someone two inches taller.\n\u0085until Bush did.\n\n2008\u0085\nNo Democrat can win without Missouri.\n\u0085until Obama did.\n\n[[The next two panels share a date and ending caption.]]\n2012\u0085\nPanel 1: Alliterative tickets (e.g. Romney\nRyan) are undefeated.\nPanel 2: No nominee whose first name contains a \"K\" has lost.\nWhich streak will break?\n{{Title text: No white guy who\u0027s been mentioned on Twitter has gone on to win.}}", "alt": "No white guy who\u0027s been mentioned on Twitter has gone on to win.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/electoral_precedent.png", "title": "Electoral Precedent", "day": "17" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1123, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Universal Label", "transcript": "[[A small rectangle, in the style of a food package\u0027s ingredients list.]]\nINGREDIENTS:\nHYDROGEN, TIME\n{{Title text: Works for any grocery or non-grocery. Even thyme is just H and time.}}", "alt": "Works for any grocery or non-grocery. Even thyme is just H and time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_universal_label.png", "title": "The Universal Label", "day": "19" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1124, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Law of Drama", "transcript": "[[A graph, with a slightly curved upward trend. The x-axis is marked \u0027how often someone declares that they hate \"drama\" and always avoid it.\u0027, and the y-axis is marked \u0027rate at which they create drama.\u0027 ]]\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Drama\u0027 is just \u0027people being upset\u0027, when someone says they\u0027re always surrounded by drama and they just ignore it, it starts to make sense that their strategy might be backfiring.}}", "alt": "\u0027Drama\u0027 is just \u0027people being upset\u0027, when someone says they\u0027re always surrounded by drama and they just ignore it, it starts to make sense that their strategy might be backfiring.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/law_of_drama.png", "title": "Law of Drama", "day": "22" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1125, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Objects In Mirror", "transcript": "[[A view of the passenger-side sideview mirror from the inside of the car. A message on the bottom of the mirror reads \u0027Objects in mirror are bluer than they appear.\u0027]]\nEdwin Hubble\u0027s car.\n\n{{Title text: Universes in mirror, like those in windshield, are larger than they appear.}}", "alt": "Universes in mirror, like those in windshield, are larger than they appear.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/objects_in_mirror.png", "title": "Objects In Mirror", "day": "24" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1126, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Epsilon and Zeta", "transcript": "THE SAGA OF EPSILON AND ZETA\nThe 2005 Atlantic hurricane season saw devastating storms like Katrina and Rita. But less well-remembered is just how \nstrange\n the season got toward the end.\nThe forecasters at the National Hurricane Center are the best of the best.\nTheir predictions are masterpieces of professional analysis. But in November 2005, out in the center of the Atlantic - far from any land - the atmosphere stopped making sense.\nAnd the forecasters - who\u0027d expected the season to be long over by now - started to get a little\u0085 unhinged.\nThis is their story, as seen through the actual 2005 NHC Advisories:\n\n[[Two men, one bald and one not, sit looking at their respective computers, at separate desks, back to back. The advisory is printed above them in caps\nsmall-caps Courier type.]]\nTuesday, November 29th, 2005: \nTropical Storm Epsilon . . .\nThe 26th named storm of the apparently never ending 2005 Atlantic hurricane season.\n\n[[The same scene, different text.]]\n10 PM Wed: The window of opportunity for strengthening should close in 12-24 hr.\n4 PM Thu: Slow but steady weakening is expected to begin in 12-24 hours.\n\n[[The man with hair now has questions marks above his head.]]\n4 AM Fri: Epsilon does not appear weaker.\n10 AM Fri: Epsilon has been upgraded to a 65-kt hurricane.\n\n[[The two still sit back-to-back.]]\n4 PM Sat: Epsilon has continued to strengthen against all odds . . . [but] can not maintain the current intensity much longer since the environment is becoming increasingly unfavorable.\n\n[[Ditto.]]\n10 PM Sat: Epsilon might or might not still be a hurricane . . . but in any case it likely will not be one on Sunday.\n4 AM Sun: Epsilon is downgraded to a tropical storm. \n\n[[Yep.]]\n10 AM Sun: Morning satellite images indicate that Epsilon has restrengthened.\n\n[[A closer view of just the balding man at his desk.]]\nThere are no clear reasons . . . and I am not going to make one up . . . to explain the recent strengthening of Epsilon and I am just describing the facts.\nHowever . . . I still have to make an intensity forecast and the best bet at this time is to predict weakening . . . Epsilon will likely become a remnant low.\nI heard that before about epsilon . . . haven\u0027t you?\n\n[[The two men still sit back to back, but the man with hair is now turning his head toward the other man, with his arm resting on the back of his chair. The bald man is leaning forward in his seat, toward his computer while typing.]]\n4 PM Mon: The cloud pattern continues to be remarkably well-organized for a hurricane at such high latitude\nin December.\n\n[[The other man has turned back to his own screen.]]\n10 PM Mon: We have said this before . . . but Epsilon really does not appear as strong this evening as it did this afternoon.\n\n[[Just the bald guy now.]]\n4 AM Tue: \nI have run out of things to say.\n\n[[The two of them again.]]\n10 PM Tue: The end is in sight. It really really is. But in the meantime . . . Epsilon continues to maintain hurricane status. \n4 AM Wed: The end is in sight . . . yes . . . but not quiet yet. I thought I was going to find a weakening system and instead I found that Epsilon is still a hurricane.\n\n[[Ditto.]]\n10 AM Thu: Convection has vanished and Epsilon is now a tight swirl of low clouds.\nI hope this is the end of the long lasting 2005 hurricane season.\n\n[[This panel is blank and just reads: Nope.]]\n\nEnter Tropical Storm Zeta.\n[[The men are still at their desks. The bald man is leaning back on his chair and staring at his screen, the other man\u0027s hair is noticeably disheveled, and he has started growing a five o\u0027clock shadow.]]\nFriday, December 30th, 2005: An elongated area of low pressure . . . which ahd its origins in an old frontal trough . . . began developing organized convection overnight. Advisories are initiated on the 27th tropical storm of 2005.\n\nAny new storms would be in the 2006 season.\n[[The men are still at their desks, the man with hair is even more bedraggled-looking.]]\n4PM Fri: Although the atmosphere seems to want to develop tropical storms ad nauseam . . . the calendar will shortly put an end to the use of the Greek alphabet to name them.\n\nBut 2005\u0027s wouldn\u0027t end until Zeta did.\n[[The bald man is now wearing a party hat and there is confetti in the air.]]\n10 PM Sat: Zeta appeared on the verge of losing all of its deep convection a few hours ago . . . but since about 21z the convection has been on somewhat of an increase again.\n\n[[A close view of the man with hair at his desk.]]\n10 PM Sun: This is like Epsilon all over again. Most of the conventional guidance suggested that zeta should have been dissipated by now . . . well . . . zeta is pretty much alive at this time. \nI have no choice but to forecast weakening\nagain and again.\n\n[[Both of them at their desks.]]\n4 AM Mon: By 24-36 hours . . . a significant increase in westerly winds . . . should act to shear away most of the associated convection . . . and finally bring the 2005 Atlantic hurricane season to a merciful ending.\n4 PM Mon: It is hard to conceive that a tropical cyclone will be able to survive for very long in such a hostile environment. therefore I have not backed off on the forecast of weakening.\n\n[[And again.]]\n10 PM Mon: Zeta is stronger than yesterday.\n10 AM Wed: As you can see. . . I ran out of things to say.\n\n[[And again.]]\n4 AM Thu: Satellite intensity estimates have decreased. Zeta is downgraded to a 30 kt tropical depression.\n\n[[And again.]]\n10 AM Thu: Shortly after the previous advisory had been issued . . . regretfully . . . the intensity . . . increased to 35 kt and Zeta is a tropical storm once again.\n\n[[And again.]]\n10 PM Thu: Although it seems as if Zeta will never die . . . the forecast continues to show weakening.\n\n[[Both men are now leaning back in their chairs, exhausted.]]\n4 PM, Friday, January 6, 2006: Zeta no longer meets the criteria of a tropical cyclone. . . which means that both it and the 2005 Atlantic hurricane season have ended. \nThis is the national hurricane center signing off for 2005.\n\n[[The bald man still sits at his desk, the man with hair is no longer in his chair.]]\n\n[[Again, we see the bald man at his desk and the other guy\u0027s empty desk.]]\nBald guy: Actually, Zeta\u0027s cloud pattern is\u0085\nHair guy: (out of panel) NO.\nBald guy: Ok. \n\n{{Title text: The average error in the NHC forecasted position of a hurricane three days in the future has shrunk to a third of what it was in 1990--a staggering accomplishment. However, as you may have gathered, forecasts of future storm *strength* have proved more difficult to improve.}}", "alt": "The average error in the NHC forecasted position of a hurricane three days in the future has shrunk to a third of what it was in 1990--a staggering accomplishment. However, as you may have gathered, forecasts of future storm *strength* have proved more difficult to improve.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/epsilon_and_zeta.png", "title": "Epsilon and Zeta", "day": "26" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1127, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1127/large/", "year": "2012", "news": "You can get this comic as a \u003ca href=\"https://store.xkcd.com/products/congress-poster\"\u003eposter\u003c/a\u003e!", "safe_title": "Congress", "transcript": "A history of the\nUnited States Congress\npartisan and ideological makeup\n\n[[A chart showing the makeup of the US Senate and House of Representatives throughout history. It shows which ideological blocs (far left, left, center-left, center-right, right, far-right) made up what portion of the left-leaning and right-leaning parties in each chamber.]]\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027d be great if some news network started featuring partisan hack talking heads who were all Federalists and Jacksonians, just to see how long it took us to catch on.}}", "alt": "It\u0027d be great if some news network started featuring partisan hack talking heads who were all Federalists and Jacksonians, just to see how long it took us to catch on.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/congress.png", "title": "Congress", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1128, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fifty Shades", "transcript": "As with most famous books, I\u0027ve never actually READ \nFifty Shades of Grey\n. \nI only know the plot from watching the \nWishbone\n version.\n[[A kid is sitting on the floor, watching TV.]]\n\u003c\u003cBark!\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cBark!\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cSMACK\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cBark!\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: Wishbone and the Illustrated Classics series have gotten me through every conversation I\u0027ve ever had about Dickens, Treasure Island, The Anarchist\u0027s Cookbook, and Our Bodies, Ourselves.}}", "alt": "Wishbone and the Illustrated Classics series have gotten me through every conversation I\u0027ve ever had about Dickens, Treasure Island, The Anarchist\u0027s Cookbook, and Our Bodies, Ourselves.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fifty_shades.png", "title": "Fifty Shades", "day": "31" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1129, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cell Number", "transcript": "[[Diagram outlining the true structure of a US Cell Phone number. The 3-digit exchange number plus 4-digit subscriber number are your 7 random digits. The area code is where you lived in 2005.]]\nStructure of a US Cell Phone number.\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s also a +1 sometimes, which is there to keep everyone on their toes. In the future, people who got to pick cool numbers by signing up for Google Voice early will be revered as wizards.}}", "alt": "There\u0027s also a +1 sometimes, which is there to keep everyone on their toes. In the future, people who got to pick cool numbers by signing up for Google Voice early will be revered as wizards.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cell_number.png", "title": "Cell Number", "day": "2" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1130, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Poll Watching", "transcript": "[[A man is kneeling on his desk chair, hunched over his laptop screen.]]\nMan: This Tuesday will be huge! If Obam wins the election, it could generate news coverage \ndevastating\n to Romney\u0027s position in the tracking polls!\nOut of panel: ...maybe you should take a break.\n\n{{Title text: The choices we make Tuesday could have MASSIVE and PERMANENT effects on the charts on Nate Silver\u0027s blog!}}", "alt": "The choices we make Tuesday could have MASSIVE and PERMANENT effects on the charts on Nate Silver\u0027s blog!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/poll_watching.png", "title": "Poll Watching", "day": "5" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1131, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Math", "transcript": "[[A stacked bar chart representing the distribution of electoral votes for a US presidential election. The unusually darker-skinned, blessed, beautiful, twisted, Democratic candidate has 313 votes, while the much more pallid, glove-named Republican candidate has 225. The forecast of this result is noted, with the actual results being in the center of the predicted zone.]]\nBreaking: To surprise of pundits, numbers continue to be best system for determining which of two things is larger.\n\n{{Title text: As of this writing, the only thing that\u0027s \u0027razor-thin\u0027 or \u0027too close to call\u0027 is the gap between the consensus poll forecast and the result.}}", "alt": "As of this writing, the only thing that\u0027s \u0027razor-thin\u0027 or \u0027too close to call\u0027 is the gap between the consensus poll forecast and the result.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/math.png", "title": "Math", "day": "7" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1132, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Frequentists vs. Bayesians", "transcript": "Did the sun just explode? (It\u0027s night, so we\u0027re not sure)\n\n[[Two statisticians stand alongside an adorable little computer that is suspiciously similar to K-9 that speaks in Westminster typeface]]\nFrequentist Statistician: This neutrino detector measures whether the sun has gone nova.\nBayesian Statistician: Then, it rolls two dice. If they both come up as six, it lies to us. Otherwise, it tells the truth.\nFS: Let\u0027s try. [[to the detector]] Detector! Has the sun gone nova?\nDetector: \u003c\u003croll\u003e\u003e YES.\n\nFrequentist Statistician:\nFS: The probability of this result happening by chance is 1\n36=0.027. Since p\u003c 0.05, I conclude that the sun has exploded.\n\nBayesian Statistician:\nBS: Bet you $50 it hasn\u0027t.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Detector! What would the Bayesian statistician say if I asked him whether the--\u0027 [roll] \u0027I AM A NEUTRINO DETECTOR, NOT A LABYRINTH GUARD. SERIOUSLY, DID YOUR BRAIN FALL OUT?\u0027 [roll] \u0027... yes.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Detector! What would the Bayesian statistician say if I asked him whether the--\u0027 [roll] \u0027I AM A NEUTRINO DETECTOR, NOT A LABYRINTH GUARD. SERIOUSLY, DID YOUR BRAIN FALL OUT?\u0027 [roll] \u0027... yes.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequentists_vs_bayesians.png", "title": "Frequentists vs. Bayesians", "day": "9" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1133, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Up Goer Five", "transcript": "US Space Team\u0027s Up Goer Five\n[NASA\u0027s Saturn V]\nThe only flying space car that\u0027s taken anyone to another world.\n[The only spacecraft to take anyone somewhere other than Earth]\n(Explained using only the ten hundred [thousand] words people use the most often)\n\n((The following is a top-to-bottom description of the various parts of the Saturn V, alternating between the limited-vocabulary version and the technical version))\n\nThing to help people escape really fast if there\u0027s a problem and everything is on fire so they decide not to go to space\n[Launch Escape System]\n\nThing to control which direction the escaping people go.\n[Launch Escape System pitch motor]\n\nStuff to burn to make the box with the people in it escape *really fast*\n[Launch Escape Motor]\n\nPlace where fire comes out to help them escape.\n[Launch Escape Motor nozzles]\n\nPart that flies around the other world and comes back home with the people in it and falls in the water.\n[Apollo Command Module; includes \"People Box, Door, Chairs\"]\n\nPart that goes along to give people air, water, computers and stuff. It comes back home with them, but burns up without landing.\n[Apollo Service module]\n\nCold Air for burning (and breathing). This part had a *very* big problem once.\n[oxygen tank; was the tank that exploded during the Apollo 13 incident]\n\nPart that flies down to the other world with two people inside\n[Lunar Module]\n\nPart that stays on the other world (It\u0027s still there)\n[Lunar Module Descent Stage]\n\nFeet that go on the ground of the other world \n[Lunar Module Descent Stage landing gear]\n\nRing holding most of the computers\n[Instrument Unit]\n\nPart that falls off third (this part flew away from our world into space and hit the world we were going toward)\n[Third stage]\n\nThings holding that kind of air that makes your voice funny (It\u0027s for filling up the space left when they take the cold air out to burn it)\n[Helium tank]\n\nThe kind of air that once burned a big sky bag and people died and someone said \"Oh the [humans]!\" (used for burning) (wet and *very* cold)\n[Liquid Hydrogen tank]\n\nThe part of air you need to breathe, but not the other stuff (used for burning)(wet and *very* cold)\n[Liquid Oxygen tank]\n\nFire comes out here\n[J-2 Third stage engine]\n\nPart that falls off second\n[Second stage]\n\nMore sky bag air (for burning)(cold + wet)\n[Liquid Hydrogen tank, Second stage]\n\nMore breathing-type air (for burning)(cold + wet)\n[Liquid Oxygen tank, Second stage]\n\nThing that brings in cold wet air to burn\n[Fuel tank input, Second stage]\n\nFire comes out here\n[5 J-2 Second stage engines]\n\nPart that falls off first\n[First stage]\n\nMore breathing-type air (for burning)(cold + wet)\n[Liquid Oxygen tank, First stage]\n\nMore funny voice air (for filling up space)\n[Helium tank, First stage]\n\nOpening for putting in cold wet air\n[Liquid oxygen tank input, First stage]\n\nThis is full of that stuff they burned in lights before houses had power. It goes together with the cold air when it\u0027s time to start going up.\n[Kerosene tank, First stage]\n\nLots of fire comes out here\n[5 F-1 First stage engines]\n\n[[Description of bottom end]]\nThis end should point toward the ground if you want to go to space. If it starts pointing toward space, you are having a bad problem and you will not go to space today.\n\n{{Title text: Another thing that is a bad problem is if you\u0027re flying toward space and the parts start to fall off your space car in the wrong order. If that happens, it means you won\u0027t go to space today, or maybe ever.}}", "alt": "Another thing that is a bad problem is if you\u0027re flying toward space and the parts start to fall off your space car in the wrong order. If that happens, it means you won\u0027t go to space today, or maybe ever.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/up_goer_five.png", "title": "Up Goer Five", "day": "12" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1134, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Logic Boat", "transcript": "[[A person shows up at a boat docked at the edge of a river. The person has brought along a head of cabbage, a goat, and a wolf.]]\nProblem: The boat only holds two, but you can\u0027t leave the goat with the cabbage or the wolf with the goat.\n\n[[The wolf looks curiously at the lumpy bally that\u0027s been left behind while the person goes off with the goat]]\nSolution: 1. Take the goat across\n\n[[The goat remains tied up on the far side. The wolf watches the person come back]]\n2. Return alone.\n\n[[The wolf thinks \"aww no mo bally\" as the person goes off]]\n3. Take the cabbage across. \n\n4. Leave the wolf. Why did you have a wolf?\n[[The wolf goes off all sad-like]]\n\n\n{{Title text: Or a cabbage, for that matter. The goat makes sense. Goats are fine.}}", "alt": "Or a cabbage, for that matter. The goat makes sense. Goats are fine.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/logic_boat.png", "title": "Logic Boat", "day": "14" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1135, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Arachnoneurology", "transcript": "[[The artist has a book titled Spider Psychology, and is carefully adjusting one of those things with clips that\u0027s used to hold objects in place.]]\n\n[[The artist puts it in the corner of a room which has cobwebs in it.]]\n\n[[Spiders move into the thing, and start weaving webs on it.]]\n\nSix Weeks Later:\n[[The artist tears a sweater covered in spiders out.]]\n\n{{Title text: SPIDER PSYCHOLOGY (21st Ed.) is a comprehensive overview of arachnoneurology, neuro-arachnology, forensic arachnology, neuro-arachnoneurology (the study of the brains of spider neurology experts), and arachnoarachnology (the study of too many spiders).}}", "alt": "SPIDER PSYCHOLOGY (21st Ed.) is a comprehensive overview of arachnoneurology, neuro-arachnology, forensic arachnology, neuro-arachnoneurology (the study of the brains of spider neurology experts), and arachnoarachnology (the study of too many spiders).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/arachnoneurology.png", "title": "Arachnoneurology", "day": "16" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1136, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Broken Mirror", "transcript": "[[The man in the black hat is standing next to a vanity cabinet, with a broken mirror on the floor. Another chap is in the room with him.]]\nBlack Hat: Oops. Guess this means seven more years of the illusion that my actions somehow influence the indifferent hand of probability which governs our lives.\n\n[[Black hat guy stares at the shards of glass on the floor.]]\n\nChap: Plus like half an hour of sweeping.\nBlack Hat: No, I think I\u0027ll leave it.\nChap: You\u0027ll get glass in your feet.\n\n[[Black hat guy holds up a shard of glass, looks at it.]]\nBlack Hat: Eccles. 9:2 - All things come alike to all: To the clean, and to the unclean.\nBlack Hat: My fate is as these shards.\nChap: Dude, chill, it\u0027s just a vanity mirror.\nBlack Hat: \nAll\n is vanity mirrors.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027I see you\u0027re in this mood again.\u0027 \u0027I am always in this mood.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027I see you\u0027re in this mood again.\u0027 \u0027I am always in this mood.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/broken_mirror.png", "title": "Broken Mirror", "day": "19" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1137, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "LTR", "transcript": "[[A chap is standing next to the black hat guy, who\u0027s sitting on a chair working on a laptop.]]\nChap: And that\u0027s not even the worst part! The \nworst\n part is that--\nBlack Hat: \u003c\u003cU+202e\u003e\u003e\nChap: ...neve t\u0027ndid yeht--\nChap: ?lleh eht tahw... ...uoy did woh\nChap: .elohssa...\n{{The chap\u0027s text, read right to left, reads: --they didn\u0027t even... how did you... ... what the hell? ...asshole.}}\n\n{{Title text: Collaborative editing can quickly become a textual rap battle fought with increasingly convoluted invocations of U+202a to U+202e.}}", "alt": "Collaborative editing can quickly become a textual rap battle fought with increasingly convoluted invocations of U+202a to U+202e.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rtl.png", "title": "LTR", "day": "21" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1138, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Heatmap", "transcript": "[[There is a screen, and a chap standing in front of it pointing at one of the images on the screen. The screen contains 3 maps, each with a title under them.]]\n[[A heat map of the USA, with red spots on larger cities.]]\nOur site\u0027s users\n[[A heat map of the USA, with red spots on larger cities.]]\nSubscribers to \nMartha Stewart Living\n\n[[A heat map of the USA, with red spots on larger cities.]]\nConsumers of furry pornography\nChap: The business implications are clear.\n\nPet Peeve #208:\nGeographic profile maps which are basically just population maps.\n\n\n{{Title text: There are also a lot of global versions of this map showing traffic to English-language websites which are indistinguishable from maps of the location of internet users who are native English speakers.}}", "alt": "There are also a lot of global versions of this map showing traffic to English-language websites which are indistinguishable from maps of the location of internet users who are native English speakers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/heatmap.png", "title": "Heatmap", "day": "23" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1139, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rubber and Glue", "transcript": "[[A playground. The black hat is large on one child, who is sitting and reading. Other children surround him.]]\nKid A: Whatchya reading, hatboy?\nHatboy: The CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physics.\nKid B: You are such a loser, it\u0027s \npainful\n.\nHatboy: I\u0027m rubber, you\u0027re glue.\n\nKid A: Yeah, well--\nHatboy: \nGlue can\u0027t speak.\n\nHatboy: You try to scream, but your mouth fills with glue.\nHatboy: Your face is glue. Your body is glue.\n\n[[The black hat child stands up, leaving the book closed on the ground. He holds his hand out to the other children.]]\nHatboy: I wrap my rubber arms around your sticky bulk.\nHatboy: Your neoprene base bonds instantly with my surface.\nHatboy: Never to let go.\n\n[[The view zooms in dramatically on the hat child, whose fists are clenched.]]\nHatboy: You are glue. I am rubber.\nHatboy: Staring at you with my dead, rubber eyes--\nHatboy: \nForever.\n\nKid A: Moooom!\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m rubber. You\u0027re rubber. We contemplate the reality of our existence in mute, vulcanized horror.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m rubber. You\u0027re rubber. We contemplate the reality of our existence in mute, vulcanized horror.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rubber_and_glue.png", "title": "Rubber and Glue", "day": "26" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1140, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Calendar of Meaningful Dates", "transcript": "Calendar of Meaningful Dates\n\nEach date\u0027s size represents how often it is referred to by name (e.g. \"October 17th\") in English-language books since 2000 (source: Google n-grams corpus)\n\n[[A 3x4 grid of months, laid out left to right, top to bottom from January to December. The days of each month are arranged in typical monthly calendar format. Some day numbers are larger than others.))\n\n((Due to the 365 different days in a year and individually varying sizes, not every number is mentioned below, only outliers.\n\nJanuary\u0027s 1 is much larger than any other number for that month.\nFeburary\u0027s numbers don\u0027t very all that much, but the 1, 14, and 28 are slightly larger, and the 29 is very small.\nMarch\u0027s 1 and 21 are larger than most of the other numbers.\nApril\u0027s 1 and 15 are somewhat larger than the rest.\nMay\u0027s 1 is significantly larger than any other day in the month.\nJune\u0027s 1 is significantly larger than most of the other days, but 30 is the 2nd largest.\nJuly\u0027s 1 is fairly large, but its 4 is even bigger - about twice the size of most other day\u0027s numbers.\nAugust\u0027s 1 and 15 are both fairly large.\nSeptember\u0027s 1 is somewhat large, but its 11 is by far the biggest number of any in the entire year, 3 times as tall as most other numbers from any month.\nOctober\u0027s 1 is its largest, followed by the 31.\nNovember\u0027s 1 is by far its largest.\nDecember\u0027s 31 is the largest, followed by its 1, 7, and 25.))\n\n\n{{Title text: In months other than September, the 11th is mentioned substantially less often than any other date. It\u0027s been that way since long before 9\n11 and I have no idea why.}}", "alt": "In months other than September, the 11th is mentioned substantially less often than any other date. It\u0027s been that way since long before 9/11 and I have no idea why.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/calendar_of_meaningful_dates.png", "title": "Calendar of Meaningful Dates", "day": "28" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1141, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Two Years", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman sit on a bed, the woman is talking on the phone. The person she is talking to, a doctor holding a clipboard, is shown inset.]]\nWoman: Oh god.\n\n[[The man and woman sit together while the woman, now bald, is receiving chemotherapy. They are both on their laptops.]] \n\u003c\u003c ... BEEEP ... BEEEP ... BEEEP ... \u003e\u003e\n\n[[The man and the woman (who is wearing a knit cap) are paddling a kayak against a scenic mountain backdrop.]]\n\n[[The man and woman sit at a table, staring at a cell phone. There is a clock on the wall.]]\nWoman: How long can it take to read a scan?\n\n[[The man and woman are back at the hospital again, the woman receiving chemo. They are playing Scrabble.]]\nMan: \"ZARG\" isn\u0027t a word.\nWoman: But \nCAAAANCER.\n\nMan: ...ok, fine.\n\n[[The man and woman are listening to a friend speak.]\nFriend: So next year you should come visit us in the moun... (the rest is obscured by a thought bubble).\nMan \u0026 Woman: (thinking) \"Next Year\"\n\n[[The man and the woman (with short hair) getting married, a heart above their heads.]]\n\n[[The man and the woman (wearing a knit cap) stand on a beach, watching a whale breach.]]\n\u003c\u003cFWOOSH\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The woman is sitting at a desk with several books and a laptop. The man stands behind her.]]\nMan: Hey - you\u0027re doing science, and you\u0027re still alive.\nWoman: Yeah!\n\n[[The man and woman sit under a tall tree on a hill.]]\nMan: It\u0027s really only been two years?\nWoman: They were big years.\n\n[[The man and woman sit at a table in a fancy restaurant, the waiter brings them a dish with a cover on it.]]\nWaiter: Happy.. anniversary?\nWoman: Biopsy-versary!\nWaiter: ...eww.\n \n\n{{Title text: She won the first half of all our chemo Scrabble games, but then her IV drugs started kicking in and I *dominated*.}}", "alt": "She won the first half of all our chemo Scrabble games, but then her IV drugs started kicking in and I *dominated*.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/two_years.png", "title": "Two Years", "day": "30" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1142, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Coverage", "transcript": "((An inset panel inside the main panel.))\n[[A close-up on a man holding a cellphone.]]\nMan: Man, the coverage in here is \nawfu-\n\n\n((The main panel.))\n[[The man is interrupted by another man punching him in the face, and he drops his phone to the ground.]]\nFARADAY CAGEMATCH\n\n{{Title text: My resonant tunneling diode phone has limited range but a short enough wavelength to penetrate even the densest cages. This gives me a major combat advantage, hopefully.}}", "alt": "My resonant tunneling diode phone has limited range but a short enough wavelength to penetrate even the densest cages. This gives me a major combat advantage, hopefully.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/coverage.png", "title": "Coverage", "day": "3" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1143, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Location", "transcript": "[[A man is sitting at a desk typing at his computer while a man and a woman look over his shoulder.]]\nMan: (typing) Hey, party tonight? We\u0027d all love to come see your new place!\nPC Screen: Wait, what?\n\n[[The other side of the conversation: a guy typing on a laptop at a table.]]\nLaptop Screen: We want to hang out!\nGuy: (typing) We\u0027re not, like, good friends.\nLaptop Screen: I know, but we were thinking about it and we really like you! \n\n[[The three people again. The man behind the man in the chair is clasping his hands in anticipation.]]\nMan: (typing) You should have us over tonight! For, like, an hour. It\u0027ll be fun!\nPC Screen: Well, uh, sure. \n\n[[A black panel with white outlines and letters. A view of the guy\u0027s house from above. Four green explosions are seen in the house\u0027s yard.]]\n\n{{Title text: Ingress: Foursquare With Space Noises.}}", "alt": "Ingress: Foursquare With Space Noises.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/location.png", "title": "Location", "day": "5" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1144, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tags", "transcript": "[[A line of html that reads, \"\u003cdiv\u003eQ: How do you annoy a web developer?\u003c\nspan\u003e\"]]\n{{Title text: \u003cA\u003e: Like \u003c\na\u003ethis.\u0026nbsp;}}", "alt": "\u003cA\u003e: Like \u003c/a\u003ethis.\u0026nbsp;", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tags.png", "title": "Tags", "day": "7" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1145, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sky Color", "transcript": "[[A woman with a ponytail leans back on her office chair, back to her computer, gesturing as she speaks to a little girl in front of her.]]\nGirl: Mommy, why is the sky blue?\nMother: Rayleigh scattering! Short wavelengths get scattered \nway\n more (proportional to 1\nlambda^4). Blue light dominates because it\u0027s so short.\nGirl: Oh. So why \nisn\u0027t\n the sky violet?\nMother: Well, because, uh... ...hmm.\n\n{{Title text: Feynman recounted another good one upperclassmen would use on freshmen physics students: When you look at words in a mirror, how come they\u0027re reversed left to right but not top to bottom? What\u0027s special about the horizontal axis?}}", "alt": "Feynman recounted another good one upperclassmen would use on freshmen physics students: When you look at words in a mirror, how come they\u0027re reversed left to right but not top to bottom? What\u0027s special about the horizontal axis?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sky_color.png", "title": "Sky Color", "day": "10" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1146, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Honest", "transcript": "[[Two guys are walking along together.]]\nMan #1: I mean, let\u0027s be honest here--\nMan #2: Ok. \n\n[[They stop walking and turn to face each other. Man #2 gestures with one hand.]]\nMan #2: I don\u0027t understand why anything happens and I\u0027m confused and scared and trying really hard all the time.\n\n[[They stand facing each other.]]\nMan #1: ...too honest. Scale it back.\nMan #2: Sorry.\n\n{{Title text: I didn\u0027t understand what you meant. I still don\u0027t. But I\u0027ll figure it out soon!}}", "alt": "I didn\u0027t understand what you meant. I still don\u0027t. But I\u0027ll figure it out soon!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/honest.png", "title": "Honest", "day": "12" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1147, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Evolving", "transcript": "[[A drawing of a cluster of bacteria.]]\n\nWhat?\n\n\nSTAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS\n is evolving!\n\n[[The same bacteria.]]\n...\n\n[[The (seemingly) same bacteria.]]\n\nSTAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS\n evolved into \nMETHICILLIN-RESISTANT STAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS!\n\nOff screen: Aww, crap.\n\n{{Title text: Biologists play reverse Pokémon, trying to avoid putting any one team member on the front lines long enough for the experience to cause evolution.}}", "alt": "Biologists play reverse Pokémon, trying to avoid putting any one team member on the front lines long enough for the experience to cause evolution.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/evolving.png", "title": "Evolving", "day": "14" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1148, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nothing to Offer", "transcript": "[[An old-fashioned radio sits atop a dresser.]]\nRadio: I have nothing to offer but\n\nRadio: blood, toil, tears, sweat,\n\nRadio: spit, bile, vomit, urine,\n\n[[The space above the dresser and behind the radio is filled with names of bodily fluids and excretions, some partially obscured by the radio.]]\nmucus, semen, earwax,\nlymph, gastric acid,\nsebum, pus, endolymph,\nintracellular fluid,\nblood plasma, vitreous\nhumo[ ]eces,\npleu[ ]uid,\nchly[ ]al\nflui[ ]d\n\n{{Title text: cerebrospinal fluid, pericardial fluid, sputum, aqueous humor, perilymph, chyme, hydatid fluid, interstitial fluid, rheum, and gin.}}", "alt": "cerebrospinal fluid, pericardial fluid, sputum, aqueous humor, perilymph, chyme, hydatid fluid, interstitial fluid, rheum, and gin.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nothing_to_offer.png", "title": "Nothing to Offer", "day": "17" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1149, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Broomstick", "transcript": "[[A woman in red slippers, Dorothy, stands talking to somebody off-screen.]]\nOff-screen character: Bring me the broomstick of the wicked witch of the West and I\u0027ll take you home. \nDorothy: Got it. \n\n[[The woman stands at the foot of a staircase talking to the off-screen wicked witch of the West.]]\nDorothy: You can have the slippers if you let me borrow your broom.\nWicked witch of the West: Deal.\n\n[[Dorothy, now slipperless, walks along whistling with a broom over her shoulder.]]\n\n[[Dorothy and another character are in a hot air balloon floating off the ground. Mountains are in the background. Looking on are the tin man, the lion, and a scarecrow.]]\nDorothy: That was easy. \n\n{{Title text: \u0027Broom first, then slippers.\u0027 \u0027How do I know you\u0027ll return the broom once you\u0027ve secured your ticket?\u0027 \u0027I\u0027ll leave my little dog as collateral.\u0027 \u0027Great. Pleasure doing business!\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Broom first, then slippers.\u0027 \u0027How do I know you\u0027ll return the broom once you\u0027ve secured your ticket?\u0027 \u0027I\u0027ll leave my little dog as collateral.\u0027 \u0027Great. Pleasure doing business!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/broomstick.png", "title": "Broomstick", "day": "19" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1150, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Instagram", "transcript": "[[One man sits at a computer. Another stands behind him, talking.]]\nMan #2: I\u0027ve been putting all my stuff in Chad\u0027s Garage. He has nice shelves. And he lets me in to see it whenever I want. \n\n[[We see a handwritten note.]]\nMan #2: But I just got this note from him:\nNote: Dude, in like a month im gonna Craigslist all that shit you left in my garage. Just FYI. -- Chad\n\n[[A close-up of man #2.]]\nMan #2: It\u0027s an *outrage*! This is no way to run a storage business! \nMan #1: Are you paying him to look after your stuff? \n\n[[We see both characters again, as in panel #1.]]\nMan #2: No.\nMan #1: Then what he runs isn\u0027t a storage business.\nMan #2: Well, I\u0027m *this* close to not giving him any more stuff. \nMan #1: That\u0027ll teach him. \n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m gonna call the cops and get Chad arrested for theft, then move all my stuff to the house across the street. Hopefully the owners there are more responsible.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m gonna call the cops and get Chad arrested for theft, then move all my stuff to the house across the street. Hopefully the owners there are more responsible.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/instagram.png", "title": "Instagram", "day": "21" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1151, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tests", "transcript": "[[A woman stands next to a Christmas tree with presents underneath it. She has a bucket full of pink liquid next to her, and a bucket full of purple liquid in her hands.]]\nPurple bucket: Pour\n\n[[She has the pink bucket.]]\nPink bucket: Pour\n\n[[She stands with hands on hips, scrutinising the now-covered presents. \n\n[[She walks up behind a man sitting at a computer.]]\nWoman: All my presents appear to be gram-negative. \nMan: I wish you hadn\u0027t opened the home bio lab kit first. \n\n{{Title text: In fact, of the boxes is full of Staphylococcus. The wrapping paper is coated in E. coli, though, so it\u0027s an understandable mistake. You know, we should really stop accepting gifts from that guy.}}", "alt": "In fact, one of the boxes is full of Staphylococcus. The wrapping paper is coated in E. coli, though, so it\u0027s an understandable mistake. You know, we should really stop accepting gifts from that guy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tests.png", "title": "Tests", "day": "24" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1152, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Communion", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman are walking along together.]]\nMan: How was Christmas? Did you go to church? \n\nWoman: Yup. We celebrated the birth of a child, then we ate of his flesh and blood. \n\n[[They keep walking.]]\n\nWoman: *Seriously* hope we got the right child this time. \n\n{{Title text: The local police, growing increasingly concerned about this church, ask parishoners to take a sip of wine and then spit it back out for DNA testing. It\u0027s blood, and it matches a 1970s murder victim.}}", "alt": "The local police, growing increasingly concerned about this church, ask parishioners to take a sip of wine and then spit it back out for DNA testing. It\u0027s blood, and it matches a 1970s murder victim.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/communion.png", "title": "Communion", "day": "26" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1153, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Proof", "transcript": "[[A courtroom. A judge sits on a stage at the right. Another man sits, downcast, behind a desk at the left. A man, Zeno, stands centre left holding an arrow.]]\nZeno: My client couldn\u0027t have killed anyone with this arrow, and I can *prove* it! \nJudge: I\u0027d like to examine your proof, Zeno. You may approach the bench. \nZeno: But never reach it! \n\n{{Title text: The prosecution calls Gottfried Leibniz.}}", "alt": "The prosecution calls Gottfried Leibniz.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/proof.png", "title": "Proof", "day": "28" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1154, "link": "", "year": "2012", "news": "", "safe_title": "Resolution", "transcript": "Man: I\u0027m scared of being stuck thinking I\u0027m fixing things about myself but never actually changing. \n\nMan: My 2013 resolution is to break out of loops. To recognize when I\u0027m not making progress, stop yelling at myself, and try a different approach. \n\nOff-screen character: Wasn\u0027t that also your resolution last year?\n[[The man shakes his fist.]]\nMan: Yeah, but *this* year\u0027s gonna be different. \n\n{{Title text: If at first you don\u0027t succeed, that\u0027s one data point.}}", "alt": "If at first you don\u0027t succeed, that\u0027s one data point.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/resolution.png", "title": "Resolution", "day": "31" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1155, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kolmogorov Directions", "transcript": "[[A man stands talking on his cellphone.]]\nPhone: How do I get to your place from Lexington? \nMan: Hmm... OK, starting from your driveway, take every left that doesn\u0027t put you on a prime-numbered highway or street named for a president. \nWhen people ask for step-by-step directions, I worry that there will be too many steps to remember, so I try to put them in minimal form. \n\n{{Title text: People get really grumpy when they realize you\u0027re giving them directions for how to go to the store and buy a GPS.}}", "alt": "People get really grumpy when they realize you\u0027re giving them directions for how to go to the store and buy a GPS.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kolmogorov_directions.png", "title": "Kolmogorov Directions", "day": "2" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1156, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Conditioning", "transcript": "[[A Rube-Goldberg-ish device]]\nEvery few hours, subwoofer plays throbbing bass for 10 seconds..\n..then breadcrumbs are dispensed into box\n[[Box of breadcrumbs attached to a box that looks suspiciously like the front door of a car with an open window]]\nLocal wildlife\n[[Birds and a squirrel are nearby]]\nProtip: Leave this device in your yard for a week, then watch as the problem of loud music from passing cars solves itself.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Why are you standing in the yard wearing a papal hat and a robe covered in seeds?\u0027 \u0027Well, the Pope is visiting our town next month ...\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Why are you standing in the yard wearing a papal hat and a robe covered in seeds?\u0027 \u0027Well, the Pope is visiting our town next month ...\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/conditioning.png", "title": "Conditioning", "day": "4" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1157, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sick Day", "transcript": "Activities while sick:\n[[Pie chart. All percentages are estimates.\nShifting around in bed feeling my skin crawl: 55%\nPondering hooking an aquarium pump up to my sinuses: 5%\nThinking about how cool it is that I\u0027m partly made of an army of critters that patrol my body ruthlessly dispatching anything they find trying to prey on me: 10%\nStaring at a news site but not reading it: 7%\nWiping various face holes: 23%]]\n\n{{Title text: Wikipeida path: Virus -\u003e Immune system -\u003e Innate immune system -\u003e Parasites -\u003e List of parasites of humans -\u003e Naegleria fowleri -\u003e Primary amoebic meningoencephalitis -\u003e Deciding I DEFINITELY shouldn\u0027t connect an aquarium pump to my sinuses}}", "alt": "Wikipedia path: Virus -\u003e Immune system -\u003e Innate immune system -\u003e Parasites -\u003e List of parasites of humans -\u003e Naegleria fowleri -\u003e Primary amoebic meningoencephalitis -\u003e Deciding I DEFINITELY shouldn\u0027t connect an aquarium pump to my sinuses", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sick_day.png", "title": "Sick Day", "day": "7" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1158, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rubber Sheet", "transcript": "[[A woman is standing on the left edge of a rubber sheet. In the middle is a bowling ball. A man in a beret is standing on top of the bowling ball.]]\nBeret guy: Imagine a giant bowling ball on a rubber sheet. The ball\u0027s weight makes a dent in the sheet. \n\n[[A rope has been attached to the sheet, and is pulling downwards. The woman peers down.]]\nBeret guy: Now imagine a rope that pulls the ball down even further. ...Annnnd...\n\n[[The rope snaps. The woman loses her balance as the sheet shakes and the ball flies into the air.]]\nBOOOIING\nBeret guy: Wheee\n\n[[The woman stands on the now stable sheet. The ball falls down towards it.]]\nWoman: ... Oh. I thought this was about physics. \nBeret guy: Imagining is fun! \n\n{{Title text: It IS about physics. It ALL is.}}", "alt": "It IS about physics. It ALL is.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rubber_sheet.png", "title": "Rubber Sheet", "day": "9" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1159, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Countdown", "transcript": "[[Hat guy sits at his computer. A man stands behind him. On the wall is a digital countdown, partially obscured by a picture of a sunset. The part of the countdown we can see reads \"0002409\".]]\nMan: What\u0027s that? \nHat guy: Countdown. \n\n[[The countdown now reads \"0002400\".]]\nMan: To what? \nHat guy: Supervolcano, I think. I forget which one.\n\n[[The countdown now reads \"0002396\".]]\n\n[[The countdown now reads \"0002382\".]]\nMan: Maybe we should move that picture? \nHat guy: Too hard to reach. It\u0027s probably fine. \n\n{{Title text: For all we know, the odds are in our favor.}}", "alt": "For all we know, the odds are in our favor.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/countdown.png", "title": "Countdown", "day": "11" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1160, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Drop Those Pounds", "transcript": "[[We see a poster taped to a wall. It has two people in the bottom left, a silhouetted crenellated tower in the bottom right, and a thin arc between them. It reads:]]\nStruggling with those 2013 resolutions? \nWe\u0027ll help you hit your target\nBy dropping thirty pounds\nFAST\nWEB: http:\n\n[illegible].com\nCALL: (555) 123-4567\n\n{{Title text: If the flyers don\u0027t work, we\u0027ll switch to the LEAST subtle method of informing a town of the existence of a trebuchet club.}}", "alt": "If the flyers don\u0027t work, we\u0027ll switch to the LEAST subtle method of informing a town of the existence of a trebuchet club.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/drop_those_pounds.png", "title": "Drop Those Pounds", "day": "14" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1161, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hand Sanitizer", "transcript": "[[A man stands in front of a poster with a bottle in his hand.]]\nPoster: An invisible sneeze droplet can contain *200 million* germs! \n\n[[The man looks at the bottle.]]\nBottle: Our hand sanitizer kills 99.99% of germs! \n\n[[The man taps a calculator.]]\n200000000 x 0.01% = \n\nMan: Ew. \n\n{{Title text: Hipster CDC Reports Flu Epidemic Peaked Years Ago}}", "alt": "Hipster CDC Reports Flu Epidemic Peaked Years Ago", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hand_sanitizer.png", "title": "Hand Sanitizer", "day": "16" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1162, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Log Scale", "transcript": "[[A bar chart on a sheet of paper labeled \"Fuel energy density in Megajoules\nkg. Values are as follows:\nSugar: 19\nCoal: 24\nFat: 39\nGasoline: 46\nUranium: 76 000 000\n\nThe bar representing Uranium is so large that it extends onto a stack of paper taller than a human]]\n\n{{Title text: Knuth Paper-Stack Notation: Write down the number on pages. Stack them. If the stack is too tall to fit in the room, write down the number of pages it would take to write down the number. THAT number won\u0027t fit in the room? Repeat. When a stack fits, write the number of iterations on a card. Pin it to the stack.}}", "alt": "Knuth Paper-Stack Notation: Write down the number on pages. Stack them. If the stack is too tall to fit in the room, write down the number of pages it would take to write down the number. THAT number won\u0027t fit in the room? Repeat. When a stack fits, write the number of iterations on a card. Pin it to the stack.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/log_scale.png", "title": "Log Scale", "day": "18" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1163, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Debugger", "transcript": "[[Two characters are silhouetted on a hill. The first sits, the second is lying down.]]\nCharacter #1: I don\u0027t understand how my brain works. \n\n[[The second sits up slightly to look at the first.]]\nCharacter #1: But my brain is what I rely on to understand how things work. \n\n[[The second lies back down.]]\nCharacter #2: Is that a problem? \nCharacter #1: I\u0027m not sure how to tell. \n\n{{Title text: It can take a site a while to figure out that there\u0027s a problem with their \u0027report a bug\u0027 form.}}", "alt": "It can take a site a while to figure out that there\u0027s a problem with their \u0027report a bug\u0027 form.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/debugger.png", "title": "Debugger", "day": "21" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1164, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Home Alone", "transcript": "[[A bearded man stands at the top of some stairs. A paintcan on a rope is swinging from the top down to the bottom. Small child #1 has just been hit in the face with the can. Small child #2 is lying on the floor crying.]]\nSmall child #1: Ow!!\nSmall child #2: Waaaaaaaaa!\nRejected movie ideas: age-reversed Home Alone reboot.\n\n{{Title text: Starring Macaulay Culkin.}}", "alt": "Starring Macaulay Culkin.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/home_alone.png", "title": "Home Alone", "day": "23" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1165, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Amazon", "transcript": "Round 14: Estimated outflow volume in cubic meters per second\n[[Amazon: A 220,000 m^2 block of water populated with dolphins and fish, with some people who have driven up in a car to observe it.\nAmazon.com: 0.9 m^2 in packages]]\n\n{{Title text: Amazon.com took a surprise early lead with \u0027Time required to transport a package from Iquitos, Peru to Manaus, Brazil\u0027 but then lost it at \u0027Minutes to skeletonize a cow\u0027.}}", "alt": "Amazon.com took a surprise early lead with \u0027Time required to transport a package from Iquitos, Peru to Manaus, Brazil\u0027 but then lost it at \u0027Minutes to skeletonize a cow\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/amazon.png", "title": "Amazon", "day": "25" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1166, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Argument", "transcript": "[[A thread on the \"Free energy forum\" messageboard. The title reads: \"You\u0027re all crackpots who don\u0027t understand thermodynamics.\" Page 547 of 547, with comments including \"No, idiot, only the *north* end of a magnet increases entropy. The south end decreases it\", \"I wiki\u0027d this \"first law\" and I don\u0027t see the issue. My device isn\u0027t a robot and doesn\u0027t harm humans.\", and \"What if we trick the government into only suppressing the *left* side of the flywheel?\".]]\nIronically, the argument I started on a perpetual motion forum in 2004 shows no signs of slowing down.\n\n{{Title text: The misguided search for a perpetual motion machine has run substantially longer than any attempted perpetual motion machine.}}", "alt": "The misguided search for a perpetual motion machine has run substantially longer than any attempted perpetual motion machine.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/argument.png", "title": "Argument", "day": "28" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1167, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Star Trek into Darkness", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a computer, talking to a woman off screen.]]\nMan: Oh, *wow*. Look at Wikipedia\u0027s talk page for Star Trek into Darkness. I have a new favorite edit war. \nWoman: Oh? \n\n[[The woman walks up to look over his shoulder.]]\nMan: Forty *thousand* words of debate over whether to capitalise \"into\" in the movie\u0027s title. Still no consensus.\nWoman: That\u0027s *magnificient*.\nMan: It\u0027s breathtaking. \nWoman: They should have sent a poet. \n\n[[We see a close-up of the man. He\u0027s typing.]]\nWell, I\u0027m making an executive decision. I hope both sides accept this as a fair compromise. \n\u003c\u003cType type\u003e\u003e\n\n[[We see the Wikipedia page. The title is now \"~*~ StAr TrEk InTo DaRkNeSs ~*~\"]]\n\n{{Title text: Of course, factions immediately sprang up in favor of \u0027~*~sTaR tReK iNtO dArKnEsS~*~\u0027, \u0027xX_StAr TrEk InTo DaRkNess_Xx\u0027, and \u0027Star Trek lnto Darkness\u0027 (that\u0027s a lowercase \u0027L\u0027).}}", "alt": "Of course, factions immediately sprang up in favor of \u0027~*~sTaR tReK iNtO dArKnEsS~*~\u0027, \u0027xX_StAr TrEk InTo DaRkNess_Xx\u0027, and \u0027Star Trek lnto Darkness\u0027 (that\u0027s a lowercase \u0027L\u0027).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/star_trek_into_darkness.png", "title": "Star Trek into Darkness", "day": "30" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1168, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "tar", "transcript": "[A woman and a man wearing a white hat stand next to a nuclear bomb. The bomb has a hatch open on top, and a small blinking screen. The two people are shouting off-screen.]]\nWoman: Rob! You use Unix! \nMan: Come quick! \n\n[[The woman, man, and Rob look at the screen. Rob peers closely. The screen reads: \nTo disarm the bomb, simply enter a valid tar command on your first try. No Googling. You have TEN seconds. \n~# _ ]]\n\n[[They continue to peer.]]\n\nMan: ... Rob? \nRob: I\u0027m so sorry. \n\n{{Title text: I don\u0027t know what\u0027s worse--the fact that after 15 years of using tar I still can\u0027t keep the flags straight, or that after 15 years of technological advancement I\u0027m still mucking with tar flags that were 15 years old when I started.}}", "alt": "I don\u0027t know what\u0027s worse--the fact that after 15 years of using tar I still can\u0027t keep the flags straight, or that after 15 years of technological advancement I\u0027m still mucking with tar flags that were 15 years old when I started.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tar.png", "title": "tar", "day": "1" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1169, "link": "https://maps.google.com/?ll=73.103006,126.44577\u0026spn=0.272619,1.385651\u0026t=h\u0026z=10", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Expedition", "transcript": "[[A man sits at a desk, typing a diary entry.]]\nFebruary 4th: Departed the mouth of the Lena river, heading south. It has been nearly half an hour and still no sign of civilisation. The scroll wheel tempts me, but I will not cheat. \n\u003c\u003cClick click click\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m pretty sure I\u0027ve logged more hours in Google Maps over the past decade than in any game.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m pretty sure I\u0027ve logged more hours in Google Maps over the past decade than in any game.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/expedition.png", "title": "Expedition", "day": "4" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1170, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bridge", "transcript": "[[A teenager stands talking to a parent off-screen.]]\nParent: No, you can\u0027t go. \nTeenager: But all my friends-\nParent If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too? \nTeenager: Oh Jeez. Probably.\n\nParent: What!? Why!?\nTeenager Because all my friends did. Think about it - which scenario is more likely: \n\nTeenager: Every single person I know, many of them levelheaded and afraid of heights, abruptly went crazy at exactly the same time... ... or the bridge is on fire? \n\nParent: ... I, uh... hmm. \nTeenager: Imagine reading this on CNN: \"Many fled their vehicles and jumped from the bridge. Those who stayed behind...\" Is something good about to happen to those people? \nParent: Maybe they\u0027ll find cookies? \nTeenager: OK, *you* stay. I\u0027m jumping. \n\n{{Title text: And it says a lot about you that when your friends jump off a bridge en masse, your first thought is apparently \u0027my friends are all foolish and I won\u0027t be like them\u0027 and not \u0027are my friends ok?\u0027.}}", "alt": "And it says a lot about you that when your friends jump off a bridge en masse, your first thought is apparently \u0027my friends are all foolish and I won\u0027t be like them\u0027 and not \u0027are my friends ok?\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bridge.png", "title": "Bridge", "day": "6" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1171, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Perl Problems", "transcript": "[[Two figures stand facing each other. One is wearing sunglasses.]]\nFigure with sunglasses: If you\u0027re havin\u0027 Perl problems I feel bad for you, son-\n\nFigure with sunglasses: I got 99 problems, \n\nFigure with sunglasses: so I used regular expressions. \n\nFigure with sunglasses: Now I have 100 problems. \n\n{{Title text: To generate #1 albums, \u0027jay --help\u0027 recommends the -z flag.}}", "alt": "To generate #1 albums, \u0027jay --help\u0027 recommends the -z flag.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/perl_problems.png", "title": "Perl Problems", "day": "8" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1172, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Workflow", "transcript": "[[Changelog for version 10.17 of a piece of software. One change listed: \"The CPU no longer overheats when you hold down the spacebar\"\n\nComments:\nLongtimeUser4 writes:\nThis update broke my workflow! My control key is hard to reach, so I hold spacebar instead, and I configured Emacs to interpret a rapid temperature rise as \"control\"e\n\nAdmin writes:\nThat\u0027s horrifying.\n\nLongtimeUser4 writes:\nLook, my setup works for me. Just add an option to reenable spacebar heating.]]\n\n\n\n{{Title text: There are probably children out there holding down spacebar to stay warm in the winter! YOUR UPDATE MURDERS CHILDREN.}}", "alt": "There are probably children out there holding down spacebar to stay warm in the winter! YOUR UPDATE MURDERS CHILDREN.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/workflow.png", "title": "Workflow", "day": "11" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1173, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Steroids", "transcript": "[[An indescribable being of energy and a person are walking along]]\nBeing: Explain to me this \"steroid scandal\"\n\nPerson: Well, uh... We humans are made of chemical which stay alive by finding other chemicals and putting them inside us\n\nPerson: We hold contests to see which humans are fastest and strongest. But some humans eat chemicals that make them *too* fast and strong.\n\nPerson: And they win contests!\nBeing: That does sound bad.\nPerson: It\u0027s awful!\n\n{{Title text: A human is a system for converting dust billions of years ago into dust billions of years from now via a roundabout process which involves checking email a lot.}}", "alt": "A human is a system for converting dust billions of years ago into dust billions of years from now via a roundabout process which involves checking email a lot.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/steroids.png", "title": "Steroids", "day": "13" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1174, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "App", "transcript": "[[A really damn stupid website being viewed in a mobile browser. A popup covers absolutely everything and makes the entire page unusable. \"Want to visit an incomplete version of our website where you can\u0027t zoom? Download our app!\". With buttons \"OK\" and \"no, but ask me again every time\". Assholes.]]\n\n{{Title text: If I click \u0027no\u0027, I\u0027ve probably given up on everything, so don\u0027t bother taking me to the page I was trying to go to. Just drop me on the homepage. Thanks.}}", "alt": "If I click \u0027no\u0027, I\u0027ve probably given up on everything, so don\u0027t bother taking me to the page I was trying to go to. Just drop me on the homepage. Thanks.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/app.png", "title": "App", "day": "15" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1175, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Moving Sidewalks", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman are on opposite ends of a two-way moving sidewalk, poised to get on. The sidewalks are divided up into 5 square outer segments and one double-length inner segment each. Each segment has an arrow in the direction the sidewalk travels. The outer-most segments are labeled \"moving sidewalk\". The next segments in are labeled \"moving sidewalk (2x speed)\". The next is \"3x speed\", followed by \"4x speed\", and \"5x speed\". The center is labeled \"High-five location\".]]\nMan: Ready? \nWoman: Ready. \n{{Title text: I think I could spend hours just stepping on and off of conveyor belts moving at various speeds.}}", "alt": "I think I could spend hours just stepping on and off of conveyor belts moving at various speeds.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/moving_sidewalks.png", "title": "Moving Sidewalks", "day": "18" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1176, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Those Not Present", "transcript": "Every time someone says something negative about a person who\u0027s not in the room, I scoot my chair back a few inches. \n\n[[We see four figures sitting around on a table, talking and drinking. Figure 4 is scooting his chair back.]]\nFigure 1: *He\u0027s* not so bad, but his friends...\n\u003c\u003cScoot scoot\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Figure 4 us now quite a way away from the table.]]\nFigure 3: ... His band is never gonna take off if...\n\u003c\u003cScoot scoot\u003e\n\n[[The table is now out of view from the left side of the panel. Three more figures are sitting on the floor to the right, with drinks and talking.]]\nOffscreen from the table: Yeah, his sister is even weirder. Did you see she had...\n\u003c\u003cScoot scoot\u003e\nFigure 7: ... And there\u0027s a video, but it\u0027s blurry...\n\n[[Figure 4 is now up to the new group. He leans back over his chair.]]\nFigure 4: What\u0027re you talking about? \nFigure 5: Giant squid! \nFigure 4: Mind if I join you? \n\n{{Title text: \u0027Yeah, that squid\u0027s a total asshole.\u0027 [scoot scoot]}}", "alt": "\u0027Yeah, that squid\u0027s a total asshole.\u0027 [scoot scoot]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/those_not_present.png", "title": "Those Not Present", "day": "20" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1177, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time Robot", "transcript": "[[A figure with a shotgun runs into the scene and addresses a standing woman.]]\nFigure: I\u0027m from the future! You\u0027re being stalked by an unstoppable robotic assassin!\n\n[[We see a close-up of the figure.]]\nFigure: Of course, in a sense, we\u0027re *all* being stalked by an unstoppable robot. A robot called *time*.\n\n[[The figure looks at a ticking clock on the wall.]]\nFigure: I see it in the mirror. I see wrinkles, grey hairs. I hear its metallic footsteps in the relentless rhythm of the ticking clock. \n\n[[We pan back out to see both figures.]]\nFigure: Anyway, uhh come with me if you want to live for a while. You\u0027ll still die eventually. We all will.\n\n{{Title text: NO FATE BUT THE NARRATIVES WE IMPOSE ON LIFE\u0027S RANDOM CHAOS TO DISTRACT OURSELVES FROM OUR EXISTENTIAL PLIGHT}}", "alt": "NO FATE BUT THE NARRATIVES WE IMPOSE ON LIFE\u0027S RANDOM CHAOS TO DISTRACT OURSELVES FROM OUR EXISTENTIAL PLIGHT", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time_robot.png", "title": "Time Robot", "day": "22" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1178, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pickup Artists", "transcript": "[[Beret guy and another man stand talking to each other.]]\nBeret guy: What\u0027ve you been up to lately? \nMan: I\u0027ve been hanging out with some pickup artists. I\u0027m learning a *lot!*\nBeret guy: Oh, that sounds like fun! \nThe world seems like a happier place if you think \"Pickup artist\" is like \"Pickup basketball player.\" \n\n{{Title text: It sounds like a great way to make friends! Is it near that Friend Zone you keep talking about? I wanna go!}}", "alt": "It sounds like a great way to make friends! Is it near that Friend Zone you keep talking about? I wanna go!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pickup_artists.png", "title": "Pickup Artists", "day": "25" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1179, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "ISO 8601", "transcript": "Public Service Announcement:\n\nOur different ways of writing dates as numbers can lead to online confusion. That\u0027s why in 1988 ISO set a global standard numeric date format. \n\nThis is *the* correct way to write numeric dates:\n\n2013-02-27\n\nThe following formats are therefore discouraged:\n\n02\n27\n2013 02\n27\n13 27\n02\n2013 27\n02\n13\n20130227 2013.02.27 27.02.13 27-02-13\n27.2.13 2013.CC.27 (27\n2)-13 2013.158904109\nMMXII-II-XXVII MMXII(LVII\nCCCLXV) 1330300800 [[this is the UNIX time for *2012*-02-27, Randall]]\n((3+3)x(111+1)-1)x3\n3-1\n.^3 [the numbers 2013, 02, and 27 written overlapping each other] [a black, hissing cat with 2-27-13 written on it]\n10\n11011\n1101 02\n27\n20\n13\n[[the following is the last entry]]\n2 3 1 4\n0 1 2 3 7\n5 67 8\n\n{{Title text: ISO 8601 was published on 06\n05\n88 and most recently amended on 12\n01\n04.}}", "alt": "ISO 8601 was published on 06/05/88 and most recently amended on 12/01/04.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/iso_8601.png", "title": "ISO 8601", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1180, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Virus Venn Diagram", "transcript": "[[There are two circles, a green one, and a blue one. They form a Venn diagram composed of two disjoint sets.]]\nGreen circle: Computer problems that make people say \"Maybe it has a virus?\" \nBlue circle: Computer problems caused by viruses\n\n{{Title text: Within five minutes of the Singularity appearing, somebody will suggest defragging it.}}", "alt": "Within five minutes of the Singularity appearing, somebody will suggest defragging it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/virus_venn_diagram.png", "title": "Virus Venn Diagram", "day": "1" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1181, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "PGP", "transcript": "How to use PGP to verify that an email is authentic:\n\nLook for this text at the top:\n----- BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE-----\n[[text surrounded by the normal accoutrements of an email message]]\n\nIf it\u0027s there, the email is probably fine.\n\n{{Title text: If you want to be extra safe, check that there\u0027s a big block of jumbled characters at the bottom.}}", "alt": "If you want to be extra safe, check that there\u0027s a big block of jumbled characters at the bottom.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pgp.png", "title": "PGP", "day": "4" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1182, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rembrandt Photo", "transcript": "Person 1: Hey look-- Rembrandt\u0027s parents having sex!\n\nPerson 2: Waugh! Why do you--\n..Wait, how can there be a photo of that?\n\nPerson 1: It\u0027s an artist\u0027s conception.\n\n{{Title text: ::click:: Come back! You didn\u0027t see the one of Whistler\u0027s mother!}}", "alt": "::click:: Come back! You didn\u0027t see the one of Whistler\u0027s mother!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rembrandt_photo.png", "title": "Rembrandt Photo", "day": "6" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1183, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rose Petals", "transcript": "[[Person enters house, seeing a trail of rose petals]]\n\n[[Person walks along, following the trail]]\n\n[[Trail goes around some books and heads out the door]]\n\n[[A Roomba with a box of petals and a fan on it is ambling along]]\n\n{{Title text: Joke\u0027s on you--the Roomba and I had a LOVELY evening.}}", "alt": "Joke\u0027s on you--the Roomba and I had a LOVELY evening.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rose_petals.png", "title": "Rose Petals", "day": "8" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1184, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Circumference Formula", "transcript": "Circumference of a circle:\n\n2*pi*r [[r has a 2 in superscript]]\n\n[[footnote 2]] The circle\u0027s radius\n\n{{Title text: Assume r\u0027 refers to the radius of Earth Prime, and r\u0027\u0027 means radius in inches.}}", "alt": "Assume r\u0027 refers to the radius of Earth Prime, and r\u0027\u0027 means radius in inches.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/circumference_formula.png", "title": "Circumference Formula", "day": "11" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1185, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ineffective Sorts", "transcript": "define HalfheartedMergeSort(list):\n if length(list) \u003c2:\n return list\n pivot=int(length(list)\n2)\n A=HalfheartedMergeSort(list[:pivot])\n B=HalfheartedMergeSort(list[pivot:])\n \n\n ummmmm\n Return[A,B] \n\nHere. Sorry.\n\ndefine FastBoGoSort{list}:\n \n\n an optimized BoGoSort\n \n\n runs in 0(N logN)\n From N to 1 to log(length(list)):\n shuffle(list):\n If isSorted(list):\n Return list\n Return \"Kernel Page Fault (error code: 2)\"\n\nDefine JobInterviewQuicksort(list):\n Ok so you choosea pivot\n Then divide the list in half\n For each half:\n Check to see if it\u0027s sorted\n No, wait, it doesn\u0027t matter\n Compare each element to the pivot\n The bigger ones go in a new list\n The equal ones go into, uh\n The second list from before\n Hang on, let me name the lists\n This is list A\n The new one is list B\n Put the big ones into list B\n Now take the second list\n Call it list, uh, A2\n Which one was the pivot in?\n Scratch all that\n It just recursively calls itself\n Until both lists are empty\n Right?\n Not empty, but you know what I mean\n Am I allowed to use the standard libraries? \n \nDefine PanicSort(list):\n if isSorted(list):\n Return list\n for N from 1 to 10000:\n pivot=random(0,length(list))\n list=list[pivot:]+list[:pivot]\n if isSorted(list):\n return list\n if isSorted(list):\n return list\n if isSorted(list):\n\n this can\u0027t be happening\n return list\n if isSorted(list):\n\n come on come on\n return list\n \n\n oh jeez\n \n\n I\u0027m gonna be in so much trouble\n list = [ ]\n system (\"shutdown -H +5\")\n system (\"rm -rf .\n\")\n system (\"rm -rf ~\n*\")\n system (\"rm -rf \n\")\n system (rd \ns \nq C:\\*\") \n\nportability\n return [1, 2, 3, 4, 5]\n\n{{Title text: StackSort connects to StackOverflow, searches for \u0027sort a list\u0027, and downloads and runs code snippets until the list is sorted.}}", "alt": "StackSort connects to StackOverflow, searches for \u0027sort a list\u0027, and downloads and runs code snippets until the list is sorted.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ineffective_sorts.png", "title": "Ineffective Sorts", "day": "13" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1186, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bumblebees", "transcript": "[[A bumble bee sits on the control column in the cockpit of an airplane.]]\nPhysicists still can\u0027t explain how bumblebees can fly airplanes.\n{{Title text: Did you know sociologists can\u0027t explain why people keep repeating that urban legend about bumblebees not being able to fly!?}}", "alt": "Did you know sociologists can\u0027t explain why people keep repeating that urban legend about bumblebees not being able to fly!?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bumblebees.png", "title": "Bumblebees", "day": "15" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1187, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Aspect Ratio", "transcript": "[[A car is crushed and broken between two tall black rectangles. The rectangles are attached to screw clamps applying pressure from each end. The tyres are flat, the windows are broken, and the bodywork is crumpled.]]\nWhenever someone uploads a letterboxed 16:9 video rescaled to 4:3, I do this to their car.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m always disappointed when \u0027Anamorphic Widescreen\u0027 doesn\u0027t refer to a widescreen Animorphs movie.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m always disappointed when \u0027Anamorphic Widescreen\u0027 doesn\u0027t refer to a widescreen Animorphs movie.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/aspect_ratio.png", "title": "Aspect Ratio", "day": "18" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1188, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bonding", "transcript": "class Ball extends Throwable {} \nclass P { \n P target;\n P(P target) { \n this.target = target;\n }\n void aim(Ball ball) { \n try { \n throw ball; \n }\n catch (Ball b) { \n target.aim(b);\n }\n }\n public static void main(String[] args) { \n p parent = new P(null);\n p child = new P(parent);\n parent.target = child; \n parent.aim(new Ball());\n }\n}\n{{Title text: I\u0027m trying to build character but Eclipse is really confusing.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m trying to build character but Eclipse is really confusing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bonding.png", "title": "Bonding", "day": "20" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1189, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Voyager 1", "transcript": "Number of times Voyager 1 has left the solar system.\n[[tally marks indicating 22]]\n\n{{Title text: So far Voyager 1 has \u0027left the Solar System\u0027 by passing through the termination shock three times, the heliopause twice, and once each through the heliosheath, heliosphere, heliodrome, auroral discontinuity, Heaviside layer, trans-Neptunian panic zone, magnetogap, US Census Bureau Solar System statistical boundary, Kuiper gauntlet, Oort void, and crystal sphere holding the fixed stars.}}", "alt": "So far Voyager 1 has \u0027left the Solar System\u0027 by passing through the termination shock three times, the heliopause twice, and once each through the heliosheath, heliosphere, heliodrome, auroral discontinuity, Heaviside layer, trans-Neptunian panic zone, magnetogap, US Census Bureau Solar System statistical boundary, Kuiper gauntlet, Oort void, and crystal sphere holding the fixed stars.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/voyager_1.png", "title": "Voyager 1", "day": "22" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1190, "link": "http://geekwagon.net/projects/xkcd1190/", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time", "transcript": "((This comic changed periodically for a series of over 3000 frames, progressing through a story involving many characters. The following description is only the final frame, which continues to be displayed now that the sequence is finished.))\n\n[[A large raft with a flag attached to one end has come aground on the left side of the panel. The ground gently slopes upwards to the right, and there are a handful of trees rising up on the right, their foliage extending beyond the top and right sides of the panel. It appears to be abandoned as no one is in sight.]]\n\n{{Title text: Wait for it.}}", "alt": "The end.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time.png", "title": "Time", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "", "post": "\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"/s/dad9b6.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "25" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1191, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Past", "transcript": "[[Two figures stand talking to each other.]]\nFigure: Well, you know what they say. The past is a foreign country-\nHat guy: -with an outdated military and huge oil reserves! Hmmm...\n\n{{Title text: If history has taught us anything, we can use that information to destroy it.}}", "alt": "If history has taught us anything, we can use that information to destroy it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_past.png", "title": "The Past", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1192, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Humming", "transcript": "[[Two characters stand close together in conversation. One of them is humming.]]\nMan: Hey.\nWoman: \u003c\u003cMusical notes\u003e\u003e\nMan: What\u0027s that? \nWoman: \u003c\u003cMusical notes\u003e\u003e\n\nMan: Why are you humming? \nWoman: \u003c\u003cMusical notes\u003e\u003e\nMan: Should I know the tune??\nWoman: \u003c\u003cMusical notes\u003e\u003e\nMan: ...Hmm...\n\n[[The man pulls out his cell phone and fires up a song-match app.]]\nPhone: Identify song. Recorded\nLive (beta)\n\nWoman: \u003c\u003cMusical notes\u003e\u003e\nPhone: Identifying...\n\n[[We see the screen of the phone. There\u0027s a picture of the woman on it as album cover art. \nPositive match: Check it out! By I hacked the audio fingerprint database feat. Meeeeee. Track: We\u0027re out of cat food (pick some up)\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m so bad at carrying a tune, those \u0027find a song by humming its melody\u0027 websites throw an HTTP 406 error as soon as I start to hum.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m so bad at carrying a tune, those \u0027find a song by humming its melody\u0027 websites throw an HTTP 406 error as soon as I start to hum.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/humming.png", "title": "Humming", "day": "29" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1193, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Externalities", "transcript": "((This is a dynamic image with several different mouse-overs. Mouse-overs for specific panels are included in double curly brackets.))\n\nAhoy, Carnegie Melonites! Come find your future at Baidu.\n[[A woman with black hair stands in a blank void.]]\nWoman: But nothing about Tiananmen Square.\n{{Happy April 1st, everyone!}}\n((There is a link on this panel to almamater.xkcd.com.))\n\nIt takes great minds to stifle other great minds.\n[[A woman with a ponytail sits at a desk with two other people.]]\nWoman: Let\u0027s block Canada\nOthers: Sounds good.\n\nWe\u0027re a convenient four hour drive from New York City (15,000 hours by Roomba)\n[[A woman crouches on a moving Roomba with a steaming mug of coffee in one hand and a smartphone in the other.]]\n\u003c\u003cwhirrrrrrr\u003e\u003e\n\nOur recruiters are on the hunt for unaware CMU graduates\n[[A dark-haired woman approaches three students with a giant net as they leave a classroom.]]\n\nOr UIC graduates, provied any of them manage to fill out the application correctly.\n[[A website application which reads:]]\nName: WHICH ONE\nEmail: FORGET IT\nEducation: RIDING THE L ALL NIGHT LONG\n((uic has the third best hash. See the full standings at http:\n\nalmamater.xkcd.com\nbest.csv))\n\nAt Baidu, Inc., you\u0027ll have the opportunity to work on cutting-edge projects.\n[[A man sits at a computer.]]\nMan: What does \"make dog\" do?\nOff-screen person: Experimental dog generator. Don\u0027t click on it; the default size isn\u0027t set, so-\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The man stares at the screen.]]\n\u003c\u003cKZZZT\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003c*bip*\u003e\u003e\nOff-screen: Uh oh.\n\n[[A giant dog licks the desk where the computer once was, the man in the chair stares up at it.]]\n((The dog gains a pound for every $10 donated to the Wikimedia Foundation via this link. Currently at $41457.11.))\n\n[[A graphic showing two sliders and a dog. Next to the dog with arrows pointing to it are a thermometer graphic and the equation d(x)=R.]]\nCAREERS@BAIDU, INC.\nPLAY GOD WITH DOGS (TM) \n((There are arrows over and under \"GOD\" and \"DOG\" indicating that you switch the letters.))\n((The previous three panels link to the special Wikimedia fundraiser page.))\n\n{{Title text: Mouse over words and things to see where they come from.}}", "alt": "", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/externalities.png", "title": "Externalities", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "\n \u003cstyle type=\"text/css\"\u003e\n #comic {\n width: 780px;\n text-align: center;\n font-family: \u0027xkcd-Regular\u0027;\n font-variant: normal;\n color: #242424;\n position: relative;\n }\n #comic .panel img { position: static; }\n \u003c/style\u003e\n", "post": "\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"/s/ae49e5.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"/s/ead7fa.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "1" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1194, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stratigraphic Record", "transcript": "[[A view of the Earth from space.]]\nNearly 4.5 billion years ago, Earth had liquid water. But all the crust older than 3.5 billion years has been recycled into the mantle by subduction.\n\n[[The same view.]]\nA billion years of the stratigraphic record, the memory of the hills, is forever lost to us. What was it \nlike\n here, four billion years ago?\n\n[[The same view.]]\nEarth, what \nsecrets\n do you have?\n\n[[The same view.]]\nEarth: come closer\n\n[[A closer view.]]\n\n[[An even closer view.]]\nEarth: \ni\u0027ll never tell.\n\n\n\n{{Title text: All we have are these stupid tantalizing zircons and the scars on the face of the Moon.}}", "alt": "All we have are these stupid tantalizing zircons and the scars on the face of the Moon.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stratigraphic_record.png", "title": "Stratigraphic Record", "day": "3" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1195, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flowchart", "transcript": "[[A flowchart. The first box is rectangular and says \"START\" and has an arrow leading to a larger diamond-shaped box that reads, \"Hey, wait, this flowchart is a trap!\". There is an arrow labeled \u0027YES\u0027 leading from this box back to itself.]]\n \n{{Title text: The way out is to use the marker you have to add a box that says \u0027get a marker\u0027 to the line between you and \u0027start\u0027, then add a \u0027no\u0027 line from the trap box to \u0027end\u0027.}}", "alt": "The way out is to use the marker you have to add a box that says \u0027get a marker\u0027 to the line between you and \u0027start\u0027, then add a \u0027no\u0027 line from the trap box to \u0027end\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flowchart.png", "title": "Flowchart", "day": "5" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1196, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1196/large/", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Subways", "transcript": "Subways of North America\n\n[[A subway-line style (bold colored, 45-degree aligned lines with white bars indicating stations) map has been constructed by combining and linking various parts of the subway maps from many different cities, as if all of the transit systems were connected directly. The cities include (from top to bottom, left to right) Vancouver, Montreal, San Francisco, Toronto, Boston, Chicago, Los Angeles, Cleveland, New York City, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington DC, Miami, Atlanta, Monterrey, San Juan, Santo Domingo, and Mexico City.]]\n\n{{Title text: About one in three North American subway stops are in NYC.}}", "alt": "About one in three North American subway stops are in NYC.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/subways.png", "title": "Subways", "day": "8" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1197, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "All Adobe Updates", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at his laptop, reading a dialog box on the screen\nAdobe Update: There is an update for Adobe Download Manager. This update will allow you to download new updates to the Adobe update downloader. [OK] [Download]\n\n{{Title text: ALERT: Some pending mandatory software updates require version 21.1.2 of the Oracle\nSun Java(tm) JDK(tm) Update Manager Runtime Environment Meta-Updater, which is not available for your platform.}}", "alt": "ALERT: Some pending mandatory software updates require version 21.1.2 of the Oracle/Sun Java(tm) JDK(tm) Update Manager Runtime Environment Meta-Updater, which is not available for your platform.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/all_adobe_updates.png", "title": "All Adobe Updates", "day": "10" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1198, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Geologist", "transcript": "[[A figure wearing goggles and ear defenders walks into a patch of rocks. He\u0027s carrying a hammer and a pistol. There is a van in the background labelled \u0027Dept. of Geology\u0027.]]\n\n[[The man drops the hammer and fires the pistol into the ground.]]\n\u003c\u003cBLAM BLAM BLAM\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The man drops the pistol and starts hammering away a chunk of rock.]]\n\u003c\u003cClink clink\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The man sits behind a desk reading some paper. He has a variety of certificates and pictures on the wall behind him. He seems important. On the wall is the chunk of rock, mounted on a plaque, with a caption.]]\nEarth\n4,500,000,000BCE - April 12, 2013\n\n{{Title text: \u0027It seems like it\u0027s still alive, Professor.\u0027 \u0027Yeah, a big one like this can keep running around for a few billion years after you remove the head.\"}}", "alt": "\u0027It seems like it\u0027s still alive, Professor.\u0027 \u0027Yeah, a big one like this can keep running around for a few billion years after you remove the head.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geologist.png", "title": "Geologist", "day": "12" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1199, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Silence", "transcript": "[[Character is walking along; she stops and holds up her phone.]]\nPhone: Identify Song Recorded \u003e Live [BETA]\n\nPhone: Listening ...\n\nPositive Match: 4\u002733\" John Cage\n\n{{Title text: All music is just performances of 4\u002733\" in studios where another band happened to be playing at the time.}}", "alt": "All music is just performances of 4\u002733\" in studios where another band happened to be playing at the time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/silence.png", "title": "Silence", "day": "15" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1200, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Authorization", "transcript": "[[A web chart. In the center is a bubble labeled \u0027user account on my laptop\u0027, connecting from which are the bubbles \u0027Dropbox\u0027, \u0027photos \u0026 files\u0027, \u0027Facebook\u0027, \u0027Gmail\u0027, \u0027Paypal\u0027, and \u0027bank\u0027. These bubbles are also all connected to each other. A seventh bubble is attached to the center bubble, labeled \u0027admin account\u0027. It is covered in a thick border, spikes, and has a lock between it and the central bubble.]]\nIf someone steals my laptop while I\u0027m logged in, they can read my email, take my money, and impersonate me to my friends, but at least they can\u0027t install drivers without my permission.\n\n{{Title text: Before you say anything, no, I know not to leave my computer sitting out logged in to all my accounts. I have it set up so after a few minutes of inactivity it automatically switches to my brother\u0027s.}}", "alt": "Before you say anything, no, I know not to leave my computer sitting out logged in to all my accounts. I have it set up so after a few minutes of inactivity it automatically switches to my brother\u0027s.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/authorization.png", "title": "Authorization", "day": "17" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1201, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Integration by Parts", "transcript": "A guide to integration by parts: \nGiven a problem of the form:\nâ«f(x)g(x)dx = ? \nChoose variables u and v such that: \nu = f(x)\ndv = g(x)dx\nNow the original expression becomes:\nâ«udv = ? \nWhich \ndefinitely\n looks easier. \nAnyway, I gotta run. \nBut good luck!\n\n{{Title text: If you can manage to choose u and v such that u = v = x, then the answer is just (1\n2)x^2, which is easy to remember. Oh, and add a \u0027+C\u0027 or you\u0027ll get yelled at.}}", "alt": "If you can manage to choose u and v such that u = v = x, then the answer is just (1/2)x^2, which is easy to remember. Oh, and add a \u0027+C\u0027 or you\u0027ll get yelled at.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/integration_by_parts.png", "title": "Integration by Parts", "day": "19" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1202, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Girls and Boys", "transcript": "[[A woman sits at a desk, writing. The desk is covered in books \u0026 a laptop.]]\nGirls go to college\nTo get more knowledge\n\n[[A man sits at a desk holding a piece of paper and leafing through a book.]]\nBoys go to college\nto get more knowledge\n\n[[Men and women are at work in a lab. A woman with a headset works a computer. Another has a model of a lunar lander. There are posters on the wall of planets and satellites]]\nGirls and boys\n\n[[A rocket blasts off.]]\nGo to Jupiter\n\n{{Title text: To get more knowledge}}", "alt": "To get more knowledge", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/girls_and_boys.png", "title": "Girls and Boys", "day": "22" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1203, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time Machines", "transcript": "The Problem With Time Machines:\n[[Character stands holding the lever of a box labeled \"Time Machine,\" with a big on\noff lever switched to off.]]\n\n[[He flips it on.]]\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\neeeeEEEEEEEE\n\nEEEEEEEEeeee\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\n[[He flips it off.]]\n\n[[He stares at his own hands in confusion.]]\n???\n\n{{Title text: \u0027All time machine systems nominal ... T-minus ten ... eleven ...\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027All time machine systems nominal ... T-minus ten ... eleven ...\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time_machines.png", "title": "Time Machines", "day": "24" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1204, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Detail", "transcript": "My Neighborhood\u0027s Resolution In:\n[[Graph of distance (on a log scale) against decades. Line labeled \"Earth\" is flat, at approximately the Planck length. Line labeled \"Google Earth\" climbs at approximately y=x, with three points marked showing an improvement in resolution past 1 meter between 2000 and 2020. The lines end before they cross somewhere after 2100, with the space marked ???.]]\n\n{{Title text: 2031: Google defends the swiveling roof-mounted scanning electron microscopes on its Street View cars, saying they \u0027don\u0027t reveal anything that couldn\u0027t be seen by any pedestrian scanning your house with an electron microscope.\u0027}}", "alt": "2031: Google defends the swiveling roof-mounted scanning electron microscopes on its Street View cars, saying they \u0027don\u0027t reveal anything that couldn\u0027t be seen by any pedestrian scanning your house with an electron microscope.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/detail.png", "title": "Detail", "day": "26" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1205, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Is It Worth the Time?", "transcript": "How long can you work on making a routine task more efficient before you\u0027re spending more time than you save? (Across five years)\n\n[[A table, with the columns labeled \"how often you do the task\" and the rows labeled \"how much time you shave off\".\n\nThe column headings are, from left to right, \"50\nday\", \"5\nday\", \"daily\", \"weekly\", \"monthly\", and \"yearly\".\n\nThe row headings are, from top to bottom, \"1 second\", \"5 seconds\", \"30 seconds\", \"1 minute\", \"5 minutes\", \"30 minutes\", \"1 hour\", \"6 hours\", and \"1 day\".\n\nRow values (\"how long you can work\") are as follows (heading, then values):\n\n1 second: 1 day, 2 hours, 30 minutes, 4 minutes, 1 minute, 5 seconds.\n5 seconds: 5 days, 12 hours, 2 hours, 21 minutes, 5 minutes, 25 seconds.\n30 seconds: 4 weeks, 3 days, 12 hours, 2 hours, 30 minutes, 2 minutes.\n1 minute: 8 weeks, 6 days, 1 day, 4 hours, 1 hour, 5 minutes.\n5 minutes: 9 months, 4 weeks, 6 days, 21 hours, 5 hours, 25 minutes.\n30 minutes: n\na, 6 months, 5 weeks, 5 days, 1 day, 2 hours.\n1 hour: n\na, 10 months, 2 months, 10 days, 2 days, 5 hours.\n6 hours: n\na, n\na, n\na, 2 months, 2 weeks, 1 day.\n1 day: n\na, n\na, n\na, n\na, 8 weeks, 5 days.]]\n\n{{Title text: Don\u0027t forget the time you spend finding the chart to look up what you save. And the time spent reading this reminder about the time spent. And the time trying to figure out if either of those actually make sense. Remember, every second counts toward your life total, including these right now.}}", "alt": "Don\u0027t forget the time you spend finding the chart to look up what you save. And the time spent reading this reminder about the time spent. And the time trying to figure out if either of those actually make sense. Remember, every second counts toward your life total, including these right now.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/is_it_worth_the_time.png", "title": "Is It Worth the Time?", "day": "29" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1206, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Einstein", "transcript": "[[Two people sit in a restaurant.]]\nExperimenter: I\u0027m currently conducting an experiment which may prove Einstein wrong!\nFriend: Ooh, exciting!\n\n1947:\n[[Einstein is walking with someone.]]\nEinstein: It\u0027s IMPOSSIBLE to find a good sandwich in this town.\n\n{{Title text: Einstein was WRONG when he said that provisional patent #39561 represented a novel gravel-sorting technique and should be approved by the Patent Office.}}", "alt": "Einstein was WRONG when he said that provisional patent #39561 represented a novel gravel-sorting technique and should be approved by the Patent Office.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/einstein.png", "title": "Einstein", "day": "1" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1207, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "AirAware", "transcript": "[[Hat Guy is holding the remote for a drone which hovers nearby.]]\nGuy: What\u0027s that?\nHat Guy: It\u0027s a drone for my new business, AirAware.\n\nOur UAVs follow you and learn your schedule. If you miss a turn, forget an appointment, or give someone inaccurate information, they alert you.\nWoman, on the phone: I\u0027ll be there in five.\nDrone: WRONG!\nWoman: Augh!\n\nGuy: That sounds annoying. Who would pay for that?\nHat Guy: Huh? Nobody pays. I\u0027m just making these and releasing them.\n\nGuy: That\u0027s not a business. You\u0027re just yelling at strangers from the sky.\nGuy: A business has to make money somehow.\nDrone: WRONG!\nGuy: Augh!!\n\n{{Title text: It ships with a version of Google Now that alerts you when it\u0027s too late to leave for your appointments.}}", "alt": "It ships with a version of Google Now that alerts you when it\u0027s too late to leave for your appointments.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/airaware.png", "title": "AirAware", "day": "3" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1208, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Footnote Labyrinths", "transcript": "... experiments to observe this and we found no[1[2]] evidence for it in our data.\n\n1: Ignore this\n2: Increment by 2 before following\n3: Not true[3[2]]\n4: Ibid.\n5: True[2[6[3]]]\n6: Actually a 1[2[2]]\n\nMy Hobby: Footnote Labyrinths\n\n{{Title text: Every time you read this mouseover, toggle between interpreting nested footnotes as footnotes on footnotes and interpreting them as exponents (minus one, modulo 6, plus 1).}}", "alt": "Every time you read this mouseover, toggle between interpreting nested footnotes as footnotes on footnotes and interpreting them as exponents (minus one, modulo 6, plus 1).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/footnote_labyrinths.png", "title": "Footnote Labyrinths", "day": "6" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1209, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Encoding", "transcript": "[[He and she are holding radios and looking up.]]\nHe: No, the combining diacritics go OVER the interrobang!\nShe: Oh jeez, I think he\u0027s lost control.\n\nThe skywriter we hired has terrible unicode support.\n\n{{Title text: I don\u0027t see how; the C0 block is right there at the beginning.}}", "alt": "I don\u0027t see how; the C0 block is right there at the beginning.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/encoding.png", "title": "Encoding", "day": "8" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1210, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "I\u0027m So Random", "transcript": "[[Black Hat Man is working peacefully at his computer when an annoying little brat runs up behind him and goes..]]\nAnnoying Brat: MONKEY TACOS! I\u0027m so random!\n\nBlack Hat Man: Me too!\n\n[[Black Hat Man spews an enormous torrent of random numbers, and the annoying brat is blasted away]]\n\n[[Black Hat Man returns to work in peace]]\n\n{{Title text: In retrospect, it\u0027s weird that as a kid I thought completely random outbursts made me seem interesting, given that from an information theory point of view, lexical white noise is just about the opposite of interesting by definition.}}", "alt": "In retrospect, it\u0027s weird that as a kid I thought completely random outbursts made me seem interesting, given that from an information theory point of view, lexical white noise is just about the opposite of interesting by definition.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/im_so_random.png", "title": "I\u0027m So Random", "day": "10" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1211, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Birds and Dinosaurs", "transcript": "By any reasonable definition, \nT. Rex\n is more closely related to sparrows than to \nStegosaurus\n. \n\n[[A cladistic tree showing a single origin point which branches on one to a second point which branches into \"\nStegosaurus\n\" and \"\nTriceratops\n\", and on the other side branches into a second point which branches into \"\nT. Rex\n\" and \"sparrow\". Each label\u0027s vertical distance from the origin point represents \"separation by time\", the Steogsaurus being closest, the Triceratops and T. Rex on the same level in the middle, and \"sparrow\" furthest. The distance of their label from their closest common relative represent \"phylogenetic distance\". Below this tree are sketches of a Stegosaurus, T. Rex, and sparrow skeleton. A box surrounds the T. Rex and sparrow skeletons, showing they are physically similar.]]\n\nBirds aren\u0027t \ndescended\n from dinosaurs, they \nare\n dinosaurs.\n\nWhich means the fastest animal alive today is a small carnivorous dinosaur, \nFalco peregrinus\n. \n[[A silhouette of a falcon flying toward a smaller prey bird.]]\nIt preys mainly on other dinosaurs, which it strikes and kills in midair with its claws.\n\nThis is a good world.\n\n{{Title text: Sure, T. rex is closer in height to Stegosaurus than a sparrow. But that doesn\u0027t tell you much; \u0027Dinosaur Comics\u0027 author Ryan North is closer in height to certain dinosaurs than to the average human.}}", "alt": "Sure, T. rex is closer in height to Stegosaurus than a sparrow. But that doesn\u0027t tell you much; \u0027Dinosaur Comics\u0027 author Ryan North is closer in height to certain dinosaurs than to the average human.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/birds_and_dinosaurs.png", "title": "Birds and Dinosaurs", "day": "13" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1212, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1212/large/", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interstellar Memes", "transcript": "If other star systems are listening in on our pop culture,\ngiven the speed of light delay, these are the jokes and catchphrases they just learned about and are currently repeating way too much:\n[[A map of star systems in relation to the Sun, which is roughly in the center, sending out radio waves. Each star is a yellow circle of differing sizes, with a speech bubble (or two). \n\n((Listed in order, from closest to furthest.))\nProxima Centauri: \"I\u0027m on a boat!\"\nAlpha Centauri A\nB: \"The cake is a lie!\" \"o\n~ Never gonna give you up o\n~\"\nLuhman 16: I can haz? \nBarnard\u0027s star: \"Leave Britney alone!\" \"o\n~ \nChocolate raaaiiin\n o\n~\"\nWolf 359: \"Chuck Norris doesn\u0027t sleep. He \nwaits\n.\"\nLalande 21185: \"o\n~ Numa numa o\n~\"\nSirius: \"I \nstill\n can\u0027t believe Bellatrix--\" \"Dude, get over it.\"\nGliese 65: \"\nINTERNETS!\n\"\nEpsilon Eridani: \"Ninjas fight \nall the time!\n\"\nProcyon: \"...God kills a kitten!\" \"A what?\"\nEpsilon Indi: \"You\u0027re the man now, dog!\"\nTau Ceti: \"All your base are belong to us.\"\nLuyten\u0027s Star: \"Peanut Butter Jelly Time!\"\nKapteyn\u0027s star: \"My spoon is too big!\"\nKruger 60: \"\nMORE COWBELL!\n\"\nGliese 1: \"Look at the tiny dancing Earth mammals!\"\nVan Maanen\u0027s star: \"WASSSUUP!?!\"\nAd Leonis: \"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!\" \"You bastards!\"\n70 Ophiuchi: \"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger.\" \"What\u0027s a burger? \"I don\u0027t know.\"\nAltair: \"Mr. T ate my balls!\"\nSigma Draconis: \"Oh ... my ... gaawd.\" \nDelta Pavonis: \"I want the truth.\" \"\nYou can\u0027t handle the truth!\n\"\nGliese 892: \"Hasta la vista, baby.\" \nXi Boötis: Did \nI\n do that?\nHR 753: \"D\u0027oh!\"\nBeta Hydri: \"Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker.\"\nVega: \"Resistance is futile.\"\nZeta Tucanae: \"Let\u0027s get ready to ruuumble!\"\nHR 1614: \"Where\u0027s the beef?\"\nGroombridge 1830: \"I pity the fool!\"\nDelta Trianguli: \"May the Force be with you.\"\nBeta Virginis: \"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!\"\nArcturus: \"You talkin\u0027 to \nme\n?\" \nBeta Trianguli Australis: \"I\u0027m going to make him an offer he can\u0027t refuse.\"\nLamda Aurigae: \"You\u0027ve got to ask yourself one question: \u0027Do I feel lucky?\u0027\"\nCapella: \"And now for something completely different.\"\nHD 211415: \"Live long and prosper.\" \"Ok.\" \nAlderamin: \"\nEXTERMINATE!\n\"\n51 Pegasi: \"Name\u0027s bond. James Bond.\"\nCaph: \"Take me to your leader!\" \"No, Steve.\"\nKappa Reticuli: Here\u0027s lookin\u0027 at you, kid.\" \nAlpha Hydri: \"Rosebud.\"\nGienah: \"Ehh, what\u0027s up doc?\"\nAlpha Serpentis: \"Frankly, my dear, I don\u0027t give a damn.\"]]\n\n{{Title text: The strongest incentive we have to develop faster-than-light travel is that it would let us apologize in advance.}}", "alt": "The strongest incentive we have to develop faster-than-light travel is that it would let us apologize in advance.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interstellar_memes.png", "title": "Interstellar Memes", "day": "15" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1213, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Combination Vision Test", "transcript": "COMBINATION VISION TEST\n[[An Ishihara color blindness test (which typically consists of a circle comprised of dots of different colors, arranged such that someone with complete color vision can discern numbers) with numbers instead of colored dots. It is not easy to see, but the numbers show a large \u002742\u0027 in the center. The 4 and the 2 are made up of different numbers.]]\nIf you can see one big number but not the other, you have synesthesia \nand\n colorblindness.\n\n{{Title text: If you see two numbers but they\u0027re both the same and you have to squint to read them, you have synesthesia, colorblindness, diplopia, and myopia.}}", "alt": "If you see two numbers but they\u0027re both the same and you have to squint to read them, you have synesthesia, colorblindness, diplopia, and myopia.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/combination_vision_test.png", "title": "Combination Vision Test", "day": "17" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1214, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Geoguessr", "transcript": "Person 1: This one\u0027s easy; There\u0027s the Parthenon. Athens.\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\nWhat!? Why the hell is there a Parthenon in *Nashville*?\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\nOk, I\u0027m *clearly* in Germany.\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\nDammit, Germany Pavilion at Epcot.\n\nMy scores in Geoguessr would be higher if people would quit building replicas of everything.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m not sure if you can get Epcot, but my friend just got LegoLand. He guessed California but it was the one in Denmark. Meanwhile, I\u0027m rapidly becoming a connoisseur of unmarked dirt roads over flat, barren landscapes.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m not sure if you can get Epcot, but my friend just got LegoLand. He guessed California but it was the one in Denmark. Meanwhile, I\u0027m rapidly becoming a connoisseur of unmarked dirt roads over flat, barren landscapes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geoguessr.png", "title": "Geoguessr", "day": "20" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1215, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Insight", "transcript": "Person 1: Maybe before we rush to adopt\n((inserted term)) \u003cGoogle Glass\u003e\nwe should stop to consider the consequences of blithely giving this technology such a central position in our lives.\n\nDon\u0027t have any insight about a new technology? Just use this sentence! It makes you sound wise and you can say it about virtually anything.\n\n{{Title text: The great thing is, the sentence is really just a reminder to the listener to worry about whatever aspects of the technology they\u0027re already feeling alarmist about, which in their mind gives you credit for addressing their biggest anxieties.}}", "alt": "The great thing is, the sentence is really just a reminder to the listener to worry about whatever aspects of the technology they\u0027re already feeling alarmist about, which in their mind gives you credit for addressing their biggest anxieties.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/insight.png", "title": "Insight", "day": "22" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1216, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sticks and Stones", "transcript": "Child: Did you hear what he said about me!?\nParent: Well, remember: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words--\n\nChild: Can make someone else feel happy or sad, which is literally the only thing that matters in this stupid world?\n\n[[Beat.]]\n\nChild: Right?\nParent: The world isn\u0027t *that* bad.\nChild: Explain the line about sticks and stones?\nParent: ... OK, maybe it\u0027s kind of horrific.\n\n{{Title text: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can make me think I deserved it.}}", "alt": "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can make me think I deserved it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sticks_and_stones.png", "title": "Sticks and Stones", "day": "24" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1217, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cells", "transcript": "When you see a claim that a common drug or vitamin \"kills cancer cells in a petri dish,\" keep in mind:\n[[A scientist stands on a chair next to a desk, pointing a gun at a petri dish. There is a microscope on the desk.]]\nSo does a handgun.\n\n{{Title text: Now, if it selectively kills cancer cells in a petri dish, you can be sure it\u0027s at least a great breakthrough for everyone suffering from petri dish cancer.}}", "alt": "Now, if it selectively kills cancer cells in a petri dish, you can be sure it\u0027s at least a great breakthrough for everyone suffering from petri dish cancer.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cells.png", "title": "Cells", "day": "27" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1218, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Doors of Durin", "transcript": "[[Three people stand facing what we can assume are the Doors of Durin (not pictured). One has a hat, one has hair, the other has neither.]]\nHair: I\u0027ve got it! What\u0027s the Elvish word for friend?\nNeither: \nMellon.\n\n\n[[The three watch as the doors begin to open.]]\n\u003c\u003cRUMBLE\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The one in the white hat poses a question.]]\nHat: So what\u0027s the Elvish word for \"frenemy\"? \nNeither: ...\nmellogoth?\n\n\u003c\u003cSLAM!!\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: If we get the doors open and plug up the dam on the Sirannon so the water rises a little, the pool will start draining into Moria. How do you think the Watcher would fare against a drenched Balrog?}}", "alt": "If we get the doors open and plug up the dam on the Sirannon so the water rises a little, the pool will start draining into Moria. How do you think the Watcher would fare against a drenched Balrog?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/doors_of_durin.png", "title": "Doors of Durin", "day": "29" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1219, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reports", "transcript": "How to make boring technical reports more fun to read: \nImagine they were written and sent in, unsolicited, by the estranged spouse of the head of the project.\n[[A person sits crouched in the middle of the floor of an empty room, typing on a laptop. There are books and papers scattered around him.]]\nLaptop: Six guard rails have erratic reflector placement, and one even lacks reflectors entirely, despite rule G31.02(b) clearly mandating consistent usage.\nPerson: ...\nSHARON!\n\n\n{{Title text: If that fails, just multiply every number by a thousand. \u0027The 2nd St speed limit should be set at 25,000 mph, which would likely have prevented 1,000 of the intersection\u0027s 3,000 serious accidents last month.\u0027}}", "alt": "If that fails, just multiply every number by a thousand. \u0027The 2nd St speed limit should be set at 25,000 mph, which would likely have prevented 1,000 of the intersection\u0027s 3,000 serious accidents last month.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reports.png", "title": "Reports", "day": "31" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1220, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hipsters", "transcript": "((The layout is a chart with a series of plots reaching a stable equilibrium one after another, with the shape characteristic of a predator-prey model. In order, the labels are))\nHow often I see...\nHipsters --\u003e\nComplaints about hipsters --\u003e\nComplaints about the constant use and discussion of the word \"hipster\" --\u003e\nComplaints that every level of meta-opinion on hipsters represents the same tedious navel-gazing by insecure people --\u003e\ngraphs making it all worse --\u003e\nNow\n[[The horizontal axis is labeled time. Where the final curve rises is marked \u0027now\u0027.]]\n\n{{Title text: You may point out that this very retreat into ironic detachment while still clearly participating in the thing in question is the very definition of contemporary hipsterdom. But on the other hand, wait, you\u0027re in an empty room. Who are you talking to?}}", "alt": "You may point out that this very retreat into ironic detachment while still clearly participating in the thing in question is the very definition of contemporary hipsterdom. But on the other hand, wait, you\u0027re in an empty room. Who are you talking to?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hipsters.png", "title": "Hipsters", "day": "3" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1221, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nomenclature", "transcript": "[[Mrs. Whatsit is talking to Abbott and Costello.]]\nMrs. Whatsit: You\u0027re both confused.\nMrs. Whatsit: He\u0027s just \"The Doctor\".\n\n{{Title text: [shouted, from the field] \u0027Aunt Beast hit a pop fly to second! Dive for it, Mrs Whatsit!\u0027}}", "alt": "[shouted, from the field] \u0027Aunt Beast hit a pop fly to second! Dive for it, Mrs Whatsit!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nomenclature.png", "title": "Nomenclature", "day": "5" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1222, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pastime", "transcript": "[[Two characters are chatting. One has hair.]]\nHair: What\u0027ve you been up to?\n\nNot hair: Definitely not spending every day consumed with worry over stupid things I never talk to anyone about.\n\nHair: Oh, yeah, me neither.\nNot hair: That\u0027s good.\nHair: Yeah.\n\n[[The final panel is silent.]]\n\n{{Title text: Good thing we\u0027re too smart to spend all day being uselessly frustrated with ourselves. I mean, that\u0027d be a hell of a waste, right?}}", "alt": "Good thing we\u0027re too smart to spend all day being uselessly frustrated with ourselves. I mean, that\u0027d be a hell of a waste, right?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pastime.png", "title": "Pastime", "day": "7" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1223, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dwarf Fortress", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a desk with a computer, hands on the keyboard, talking to an unseen observer.]]\nFigure: If the corporate surveillance state monitors and controls every aspect of my life...\nBig Brother: We do.\nFigure: And I play Dwarf Fortress all day...\nBig Brother: You do. \nFigure: Then you\u0027re effectively Dwarf Fortress players watching your dwarves play Dwarf Fortress. \nBig Brother: ... Oh God. \nBig Brother realises he\u0027s trapped in the most tedious possible Hell.\n\n{{Title text: I may be the kind of person who wastes a year implementing a Turing-complete computer in Dwarf Fortress, but that makes you the kind of person who wastes ten more getting that computer to run Minecraft.}}", "alt": "I may be the kind of person who wastes a year implementing a Turing-complete computer in Dwarf Fortress, but that makes you the kind of person who wastes ten more getting that computer to run Minecraft.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dwarf_fortress.png", "title": "Dwarf Fortress", "day": "10" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1224, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Council of 300", "transcript": "[[A secret society meets in a darkened chamber; a kitschy video involving two people and an RC helicopter is projected onto the background]]\nMaster: ..then it is settled. We the 300 members of the Secret Council decree that this video meets our standards and shall \"go viral\".\n\nMaster: send it to one of our agents to be leaked to the common folk.\nSteward: Some of them are noticing the number.\nMaster: ..add a plus sign to throw them off.\nSteward: very well.\n\nSoon...\n[[A communication sent to one of the many unsuspecting plebians of the world]]\nEmail: Ooh! check out this great video I found!\n\n[[zoom in on the viewer count of a Youtube video]]\n301+\n\n{{Title text: \u0027And hypnotize someone into thinking they\u0027ve uploaded it and passed it around.\u0027 \u0027But then won\u0027t the uploader get suspicious that it pauses at 301+ for a while? Why don\u0027t we just forge the number entirel--\u0027 ::BLAM:: \u0027The Council of 299 is adjourned.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027And hypnotize someone into thinking they\u0027ve uploaded it and passed it around.\u0027 \u0027But then won\u0027t the uploader get suspicious that it pauses at 301+ for a while? Why don\u0027t we just forge the number entirel--\u0027 ::BLAM:: \u0027The Council of 299 is adjourned.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/council_of_300.png", "title": "Council of 300", "day": "12" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1225, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ice Sheets", "transcript": "Thickness of the ice sheets at various locations 21,000 years ago compared with modern skylines\n\n[[the skylines of four major metropolises are superimposed against an ice sheet of the proper thickness for the aforementioned time period]]\n\nToronto:2100m\nChicago:900m\nBoston:1250m\nMontreal:3300m\n\n{{Title text: Data adapted from \u0027The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum\u0027 by A.S. Dyke et. al., which was way better than the sequels \u0027The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum: The Meltdown\u0027 and \u0027The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum: Continental Drift\u0027.}}", "alt": "Data adapted from \u0027The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum\u0027 by A.S. Dyke et. al., which was way better than the sequels \u0027The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum: The Meltdown\u0027 and \u0027The Laurentide and Innuitian ice sheets during the Last Glacial Maximum: Continental Drift\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ice_sheets.png", "title": "Ice Sheets", "day": "14" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1226, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Balloon Internet", "transcript": "[[A figure sits on a hill reading a book.]]\n\n[[The figure remains engrossed in the book. A balloon begins to descend behind him.]]\n\n[[The figure continues reading. The balloon is getting lower.]]\n\n[[The balloon is now right behind the figure\u0027s ear.]]\nBalloon: Internet.\nFigure: Augh!\n[[The man throws the book in surprise.]]\n\n[[The balloon ascends rapidly, while the startled figure looks up.]]\n\n{{Title text: I run a business selling rural internet access. My infrastructure consists of a bunch of Verizon wifi hotspots that I sign up for and then cancel at the end of the 14-day return period.}}", "alt": "I run a business selling rural internet access. My infrastructure consists of a bunch of Verizon wifi hotspots that I sign up for and then cancel at the end of the 14-day return period.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/balloon_internet.png", "title": "Balloon Internet", "day": "17" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1227, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Pace of Modern Life", "transcript": "((This strip is in the form of a long series of quotes. Here, each quote is given as a separate panel. Attribution is delimited with a --. Some text is bolded; it is enclosed in asterisks.))\n*The art of letter-writing is fast dying out.* When a letter cost nine pence, it seemed but fair to try to make it worth nine pence... Now, however, we think we are too busy for such old-fashioned correspondence. *We fire off a multitude of rapid and short notes, instead of sitting down to have a good talk over a real sheet of paper.*\n-- The Sunday Magazine\n1871\n\nIt is, unfortunately, one of the chief characteristics of modern business to be always in a hurry. *In olden times it was different.*\n-- The Medical Record\n1884\n\nWith the advent of cheap newspapers and superior means of locomotion... the dreamy quiet old days are over... for *men now live think and work at express speed.* They have their \nMercury\n or \nPost\n laid on their breakfast table in the early morning, and if they are too hurried to snatch from it the news during that meal, they carry it off, to be *sulkily read as they travel... leaving them no time to talk with the friend who may share the compartment with them*... the hurry and bustle of modern life... lacks the quiet and repose of the period when our forefathers, the day\u0027s work done, took their ease...\n-- William Smith, Morley: Ancient and Modern\n1886\n\nConversation is said to be a lost art... good talk presupposes leisure, both for preparation and enjoyment. *The age of leisure is dead, and the art of conversation is dying.*\n-- Frank Leslie\u0027s Popular Monthly, volume 29\n1890\n\nIntellectual laziness and the hurry of the age have produced *a craving for literary nips*. The torpid brain... has grown too weak for sustained thought. \n*There never was an age in which so many people were able to write badly*. \n-- Israel Zangwill, The Bachelors\u0027 Club\n1891\n\n*The art of pure line engraving is dying out. We live at too fast a rate* to allow for the preparation of such plates as our fathers appreciated. If a picture catches the public fancy, the public must have an etched or a photogravured copy of it within a month or two of its appearance. The days when engravers were wont to spend two or three years over a single plate are for ever gone. \n-- Journal of the Institute of Jamaica, volume 1\n1892\n\nSo much is exhibited to the eye that *nothing is left to the imagination*. It seems almost possible that the modern world might be choked by its own riches, *and human faculty dwindle away amid the million inventions that ahve been introduced to render its exercise unnecessary*.\nThe articles in the quarterlies extend to thirty or more pages, but *thirty pages is now too much*. So we witness a further condensing process and, we have the \nfortnightly\n and the \ncontemporary\n which reduce thirty pages to *fifteen pages* so that you may read a larger number of articles in a shorter time and in a shorter form. As if this last condensing process were not enough the condensed articles of these periodicals are *further condensed* by the daily papers, which will give you *a summary of the summary* of that which has been written about everything. \n*Those who are dipping into so many subjects and gathering information in a summary and superficial form lose the habit of settling down to great works*. \nEphemeral literature is driving out the great classics of the present and the past... *hurried reading can never be good reading*. \n-- G. J. Goschen, First annual address to the students, Toynbee Hall, London\n1894\n\nThe existence of *mental and nervous degeneration among a growing class of people*, especially in large cities, is an obvious phenomenon... the mania for stimulants... diseases of the mind are almost as numerous as the diseases of the body... this intellectual condition is characterized by *a brain incapable of normal working... in a large measure due to the hurry and excitement of modern life*. with its facilities for rapid locomotion and almost instantaneous communication between remote points of the globe*...\n-- The Churchman, volume 71\n1895\n\nIf we *teach the children how to play* and encourage them in their sports... *instead of shutting them in badly ventilated schoolrooms*, the next generation will be more joyous and will be heailthier than the present one. \n-- Public Opinion: A Comprehensive Summary of the Press Throughout the World, volume 18\n1895\n\nThe cuase of the... increase in nervous disease is *increased demand made by the coditions of modern life upon the brain*. Everything is done in a hurry. *We talk across a continent, telegraph across an ocean*, take a trip to Chicago for an hour\u0027s talk... *We even take our pleasures sadly and make a task of our play*... What wonder if the pressure is almost more than our nerves can bear. \n-- G. Shrady (from P. C. Knapp) \"Are nervous diseases increasing?\" Medical Record\n1896\n\n*The managers of sensational newspapers*... do not try to educate their readers and make them better, but tend to *create perverted tastes and develop vicious tendencies*. The owners of these papers seem to have but one purpose, and that is to increase their circulation.\n-- Medical Brief, volume 26\n1898\n\n*To take sufficient time for our meals seems frequently impossible* on account of the demands on our time made by our business... we act on the apparent belief that all of our business is so pressing that we must jump on the quickest car home, eat our dinner in the most hurried way, make the closest connection for car returning... \n-- Louis John Rettger, Studies in Advanced Physiology\n1898\n\nIn these days of increasing rapid artificial locomotion, *may I be permitted to say a word in favour of a very worthy and valuable old friend of mine, Mr Long Walk?*\n*I am afraid that this good gentleman is in danger of getting neglected, if not forgotten*. We live in days of water trips and land trips, excursions by sea, road and rail- bicycles and tricycles, tram cars and motor cars... but in my humble opinion, good honest walking exercise for health beats all other kinds of locomotion into a cocked hat. \n-- T. Thatcher, \"A plea for a long walk\", The Publishers\u0027 Circular\n1902\n\nThe art of conversation is almost a lost one. *People talk as they ride bicycles - at a rush - without pausing to consider their surroundings*... What has been generally understood as cultured society is rapidly deteriorating into baseness and voluntary ignorance. *The profession of letters is so little understood*, and so far from being seriously appreciated, that... newspapers are full, not of thoughtful honestly expressed public opinion on the affairs of the nation, but of vapid personalities interesting to none save gossips and busy bodies. \n-- Marie Corelli, Free Opinions, Freely Expressed\n1905\n\nThere is a great *tendency among the children of today to rebel against restraint*, not only that placed upon them by the will of the parent, but against any restraint or limitation of what they consider their rights... this fact has filled well minded people with great apprehensions for the future. \n-- Rev. Henry Hussmann, The Authority of Parents\n1906\n\n*Our modern family gathering, silent* around the fire, *each individual with his head buried in his favourite magazine*, is the somewhat natural outcome of the banishment of colloquy from the school...\n-- The Journal of Education, volume 29\n1907\n\nPlays in theatres at the present time present spectacles and *deal openly with situations which no person would have dared to mention in general society forty years ago*... The current representations of *nude men and women in the daily journals* and the illustrated magazines would have excluded such periodicals from all respectable families two decades ago... Those who have been divorced... forty and fifty years ago lost at once and irrevocably their standing in society, while to-day they continue in all their social relationships, hardly changed...\n-- Editorial, The Watchman, Boston\n1908\n\nWe write millions more letters than did our grandfathers, but the increase in volume has brought with it an automatic artificial machine-like ring... an examination of a file of old letters reveals not only a remarkable grasp of details, but a *fitness and courtliness too often totally lacking* in the mechanical curt cut and dried letters of to-day. \n-- Forrest Crissey, Handbook of Modern Business Correspondence\n1908\n\n*A hundred years ago it took so long and cost so much to send a latter that it seemed worth while to put some time and thought into writing it*. Now the quickness and the cheapness of the post seem to justify the feeling that *a brief letter to-day may be followed by another next week - a \"line\" now by another to-morrow*. \n-- Percy Holmes Boynton, Principles of Composition \n1915\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Unfortunately, the notion of marriage which prevails ... at the present time ... regards the institution as simply a convenient arrangement or formal contract ... This disregard of the sanctity of marriage and contempt for its restrictions is one of the most alarming tendencies of the present age.\u0027 --John Harvey Kellogg, Ladies\u0027 guide in health and disease (1883)}}", "alt": "\u0027Unfortunately, the notion of marriage which prevails ... at the present time ... regards the institution as simply a convenient arrangement or formal contract ... This disregard of the sanctity of marriage and contempt for its restrictions is one of the most alarming tendencies of the present age.\u0027 --John Harvey Kellogg, Ladies\u0027 guide in health and disease (1883)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_pace_of_modern_life.png", "title": "The Pace of Modern Life", "day": "19" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1228, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Prometheus", "transcript": "[[3 figures are seen. Figure A is addressing Figure B, who just walked in-panel. Figure A points at Prometheus. Prometheus is looking ponderous and holding a flaming torch.]]\nFigure A: Prometheus has stolen fire from the Gods! \nPrometheus: Well, sort of. I mean, when you use a fire to make another fire, the first fire doesn\u0027t go away. So really, it\u0027s more like sharing.\nFire wants to be free.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027I\u0027m here to return what Prometheus stole.\u0027 would be a good thing to say if you were a fighter pilot in a Michael Bay movie where for some reason the world\u0027s militaries had to team up to defeat every god from human mythology, and you\u0027d just broken through the perimeter and gotten a missile lock on Mount Olympus.}}", "alt": "\u0027I\u0027m here to return what Prometheus stole.\u0027 would be a good thing to say if you were a fighter pilot in a Michael Bay movie where for some reason the world\u0027s militaries had to team up to defeat every god from human mythology, and you\u0027d just broken through the perimeter and gotten a missile lock on Mount Olympus.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/prometheus.png", "title": "Prometheus", "day": "21" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1229, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Screensaver", "transcript": "I\u0027ve been staring at the screen every night for twenty years, and it finally happened. \n\n[[A star field.]]\n\n[[The same star field, but there\u0027s a larger white dot glowing in the middle.]]\n\n[[The same star field, but that larger white dot\u0027s looking bigger now. Oh. It\u0027s clearly a star.]]\n\n[[The screen is filled with white. It\u0027s coming straight for us.]]\n\n[[The screen is filled with static.]]\nSignal lost\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m entering my 24th year of spending eight hours a day firing the Duck Hunt gun at the flying toasters. I\u0027m sure I\u0027ll hit one soon.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m entering my 24th year of spending eight hours a day firing the Duck Hunt gun at the flying toasters. I\u0027m sure I\u0027ll hit one soon.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/screensaver.png", "title": "Screensaver", "day": "24" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1230, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Polar/Cartesian", "transcript": "[[There is a graph. The Y axis is marked out from 0% to 100%. The X axis is unmarked. A red line starts at 50% and traces out a roughly parabolic trend downwards along the X axis.]]\nCertainty that this is a clockwise polar plot, not a Cartesian one, as a function of time.\n\n{{Title text: Protip: Any two-axis graph can be re-labeled \u0027coordinates of the ants crawling across my screen as a function of time\u0027.}}", "alt": "Protip: Any two-axis graph can be re-labeled \u0027coordinates of the ants crawling across my screen as a function of time\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/polar_cartesian.png", "title": "Polar/Cartesian", "day": "26" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1231, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Habitable Zone", "transcript": "[[An astronomer stands in front of a huge telescope, looking through the eyepiece.]]\nAstronomer: I\u0027ve discovered an Earth-sized planet in a star\u0027s habitable zone! It even has oceans! And visible weather! \nTo mess with an astronomer, put a mirror in the path of their telescope.\n{{Title text: They have a telescope pointed RIGHT AT US!}}", "alt": "They have a telescope pointed RIGHT AT US!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/habitable_zone.png", "title": "Habitable Zone", "day": "28" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1232, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Realistic Criteria", "transcript": "[[Two figures stand talking.]]\nFigure with hat: We shouldn\u0027t be exploring other planets until we\u0027ve solved all our problems here on Earth.\nOther figure: Sounds reasonable. So, what\u0027s the timeline on \"Solving all problems\"? Ten years? Fifteen?\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m leaning toward fifteen. There are a lot of them.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m leaning toward fifteen. There are a lot of them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/realistic_criteria.png", "title": "Realistic Criteria", "day": "1" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1233, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Relativity", "transcript": "[[We see a head and shoulders view of Einstein. He looks ponderous.]]\n((Einstein\u0027s \"line\" is in a thought bubble.))\nEinstein: If I were traveling at the speed of light, my butt would look *awesome*.\nEinstein was famed for his Gedankedank.\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s commonly believed that Lorentz contraction makes objects appear flatter along the direction of travel. However, this ignores light travel times. In fact, a fast-moving butt would appear rotated toward the observer but not substantially distorted. Shakira was right.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s commonly believed that Lorentz contraction makes objects appear flatter along the direction of travel. However, this ignores light travel times. In fact, a fast-moving butt would appear rotated toward the observer but not substantially distorted. Shakira was right.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/relativity.png", "title": "Relativity", "day": "3" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1234, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Douglas Engelbart (1925-2013)", "transcript": "San Francisco, December 9th, 1968: \n[[We see a figure talking into a headset. It\u0027s a fair assumption that it\u0027s Douglas Engelbart.]]\nDouglas: ... We generated video signals with a cathode ray tube... We have a pointing device we call a \"mouse\"... I can \"copy\" text... ... and we have powerful join file editing... underneath the file here we can exchange \"direct messages\"...\n\n[[Douglas continues to narrate. Some music is playing.]]\nDouglas: ... Users can share files... ... files which can encode audio samples, using our \"masking codecs\"... The file you\u0027re hearing now is one of my own compositions...\nMusic: I heard there was a secret chord\n\n[[Douglas continues to narrate.]]\nDouglas: ... And you can superimpose text on the picture of the cat, like so... This cat is saying \"YOLO\", which stands for \"You Only Live Once\"... ...Just a little acronym we thought up...\n\n{{Title text: Actual quote from The Demo: \u0027... an advantage of being online is that it keeps track of who you are and what youâre doing all the time ...\u0027}}", "alt": "Actual quote from The Demo: \u0027... an advantage of being online is that it keeps track of who you are and what you’re doing all the time ...\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/douglas_engelbart_1925_2013.png", "title": "Douglas Engelbart (1925-2013)", "day": "5" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1235, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Settled", "transcript": "Percentage of the US population carrying cameras everywhere they go, every waking moment of their lives: \n[[A graph with years from 1975 to 2013 as the X axis and a percentage from 0 to 100 as the Y axis. The sole line starts at just above 0, jumps to 1-2 at around 2000, is at 10% at 2005, 75% at 2010, and around 90% at 2013]]\nIn the last few years, with very little fanfare, we\u0027ve conclusively settled the questions of flying saucers, lake monsters, ghosts, and Bigfoot.\n\n{{Title text: Well, we\u0027ve really only settled the question of ghosts that emit or reflect visible light. Or move objects around. Or make any kind of sound. But that covers all the ones that appear in Ghostbusters, so I think we\u0027re good.}}", "alt": "Well, we\u0027ve really only settled the question of ghosts that emit or reflect visible light. Or move objects around. Or make any kind of sound. But that covers all the ones that appear in Ghostbusters, so I think we\u0027re good.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/settled.png", "title": "Settled", "day": "8" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1236, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Seashell", "transcript": "((At the top of the panel is an equation showing Bayes\u0027 Theorem for the probability that a person is near the ocean given that they just picked up a seashell.))\n\nThe probability that I\u0027m near the ocean given I picked up a seashell equals the probability I picked up a seashell given I\u0027m near the ocean times the probability I\u0027m near the ocean all divided by the probability I picked up a seashell.\n\n[[A person holding a seashell stands to the left of the panel, to the right a few birds are flying around and the sound of a wave crashing against the shore is depicted.]]\n\n\u003c\u003cCrashhh\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cSploosh\u003e\u003e\n\nCaption: Statistically speaking, if you pick up a seashell and don\u0027t hold it to your ear, you can probably hear the ocean.\n\n{{Title text: This is roughly equivalent to \u0027number of times I\u0027ve picked up a seashell at the ocean\u0027 \n \u0027number of times I\u0027ve picked up a seashell\u0027, which in my case is pretty close to 1, and gets much closer if we\u0027re considering only times I didn\u0027t put it to my ear.}}", "alt": "This is roughly equivalent to \u0027number of times I\u0027ve picked up a seashell at the ocean\u0027 / \u0027number of times I\u0027ve picked up a seashell\u0027, which in my case is pretty close to 1, and gets much closer if we\u0027re considering only times I didn\u0027t put it to my ear.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/seashell.png", "title": "Seashell", "day": "10" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1237, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "QR Code", "transcript": "[[A smartphone. On the display, the following text: \"To continue installing, scan this code. 12 seconds remaining\". A particularly recursive QR code is displayed on the screen]]\nHow to freak out a mobile app user.\n\n{{Title text: Remember, the installer is watching the camera for the checksum it generated, so you have to scan it using your own phone.}}", "alt": "Remember, the installer is watching the camera for the checksum it generated, so you have to scan it using your own phone.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/qr_code.png", "title": "QR Code", "day": "12" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1238, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Enlightenment", "transcript": "{{Title text: But the rules of writing are like magic spells. If you never acquire them, then not using them says nothing.}}\n\n[[Two Internet Bodhisattvas lecture a pupil encircled by a wheel placed upon the ground.]]\nBoddhisatva 1: To achieve *Internet Enlightenment*, you must free yourself from insecurity. \nNovice: But insecurity keeps me humble!\n\nBoddhisatva 1: No. Insecurity leads to conceit. Conceit leads to judgment. Judgment leads to being an asshole.\n\n[[A laptop is placed on a stand in front of the student]]\nNovice: I\u0027m ready, How do I begin?\nBoddhisatva 1: Type this sentence: \"I heard you\u0027re idea\u0027s and their definately good\"\n\n[[The laptop has been smashed to the floor. The circle, one full of hope and excitement, is now full of despair and no students]]\nBoddhisatva 1: She wasn\u0027t ready.\nBoddhisatva 2: Its a difficult road.\n", "alt": "But the rules of writing are like magic spells. If you never acquire them, then not using them says nothing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/enlightenment.png", "title": "Enlightenment", "day": "15" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1239, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Social Media", "transcript": "[[A NASA spokesperson heads a press conference]]\nSpokesperson: NASA has confirmed that the asteroid is headed directly for us. Yes, a question?\n\nReporter 1: What role has social media played in this asteroid\u0027s orbit?\n\n[[A twinge of anger and resentment builds in the spokesperson]]\nSpokesperson: *sigh*\n\nReporter 2: Has Twitter changed the way we respond to asteroid threats? \nSpokesperson: Well, it\u0027s made the press conference questions stupider.\nReporter 3: Fascinating!\nReporter 4: What about Facebook?\n\n{{Title text: The social media reaction to this asteroid announcement has been sharply negative. Care to respond?}}", "alt": "The social media reaction to this asteroid announcement has been sharply negative. Care to respond?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/social_media.png", "title": "Social Media", "day": "17" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1240, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Quantum Mechanics", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman stand facing each other, talking. The man has a dog on a leash.]]\nMan: But dogs can observe the world, which means that according to quantum mechanics they \nmust\n have souls.\nProtip: You can safely ignore any sentence that includes the phrase \"According to quantum mechanics\"\n\n{{Title text: You can also just ignore any science assertion where \u0027quantum mechanics\u0027 is the most complicated phrase in it.}}", "alt": "You can also just ignore any science assertion where \u0027quantum mechanics\u0027 is the most complicated phrase in it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/quantum_mechanics.png", "title": "Quantum Mechanics", "day": "19" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1241, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Annoying Ringtone Champion", "transcript": "\u003c\u003cThe sound of an insect going \"hmmmmmmMMMMMMMMmmmmmm\"\u003e\u003e\n\nPerson, suspecting an impending insect attack: Augh!\nBlack Hat Man: Oh, I\u0027ve gotta take this.\n\nBy unanimous decision, the winner of the Awful Ringtone Championship is \"the sound a mosquito makes as it buzzes past your ear\"\n\n{{Title text: It beat out \u0027Clock radio alarm\u0027, \u0027B-flat at 194 decibels\u0027, \u0027That noise from Dumb \u0026 Dumber\u0027, and \u0027Recording of a sobbing voice begging you to answer\u0027.}}", "alt": "It beat out \u0027Clock radio alarm\u0027, \u0027B-flat at 194 decibels\u0027, \u0027That noise from Dumb \u0026 Dumber\u0027, and \u0027Recording of a sobbing voice begging you to answer\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/annoying_ringtone_champion.png", "title": "Annoying Ringtone Champion", "day": "22" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1242, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scary Names", "transcript": "[[A scatterplot, with the y-axis labeled \"scariness of name\" and the x-axis labeled \"scariness of thing name refers to.\n\nAt the top-left is \"chernobyl packet\".\nSlightly right and downwards of that is \"bomb calorimeter\".\nTowards the middle-top is \"kessler syndrome\".\nTowards the middle-bottom is \"soil liquefaction\".\nTowards the center is \"mustard gas\".\nAlong the bottom, two-thirds of the way to the right, is \"grey goo\".\nSlightly up and to the right from that is \"criticality incident\".\nAbout midway up from there is \"bird flu\".\nFurther up, not quite at the top, is \"demon core\".\nBack towards the middle vertically, but slightly farther to the right, is \"superbug\".\nAlmost all the way to the right but still near the middle vertically is \"nuclear football\".\nAt the far top-right is \"flesh-eating bacteria\".]]\n\n{{Title text: Far off to the right of the chart is the Helvetica Scenario.}}", "alt": "Far off to the right of the chart is the Helvetica Scenario.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scary_names.png", "title": "Scary Names", "day": "24" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1243, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Snare", "transcript": "[[Black hat guy is sitting at a desk, using a laptop. He\u0027s talking to a figure standing behind him.]]\nFigure: They said on the news that they found a giant ring lying in a field outside Chicago. Strung with some kind of superstrong mesh. \nBlack hat guy: Mhm? \n\nFigure: Then they found a 260-mile long shaft connected to the ring, running from Chicago to St. Louis. In St. Louis they found a gigantic winch. \nBlack hat guy: Did they. \n\nFigure: It sounds kind of like... ...a butterfly net. \n\nFigure: ... Are you planning to catch the International Space Station?\nBlack hat guy: I\u0027m planning to catch *an* international space station. Not sayin\u0027 which. \n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s going in A collection of satellites skewered with pins and mounted in display boxes. Not necessarily MY collection.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s going in A collection of satellites skewered with pins and mounted in display boxes. Not necessarily MY collection.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snare.png", "title": "Snare", "day": "26" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1244, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Six Words", "transcript": "The six words you *never* say at NASA:\n[[A trajectory path involving multiple slingshots around Earth, Jupiter, and the Sun labeled \"Oberth Kuiper Maneuver\" is being presented by two people for a crowd]]\nAnd besides -- it works in Kerbal Space Program.\n\n{{Title text: Ahem. We are STRICTLY an Orbiter shop.}}", "alt": "Ahem. We are STRICTLY an Orbiter shop.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/six_words.png", "title": "Six Words", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1245, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "10-Day Forecast", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a desk using a computer, conversing with an off-screen woman.]]\nWoman: Is it going to rain this weekend? I have a thing. \nMan: Lemme check.\n\u003c\u003cType type\u003e\u003e\nMan: ... Uhh. What? \n\n((Ten small panels are presented, each one with a picture describing that day\u0027s weather.))\nYour 10 day forecast: \n[[Today: A sun. Tomorrow: A sun obscured by grey clouds. Friday: Three grey clouds with a single lightning bolt. Saturday: Giant grey clouds; 7 lightning bolts. Sunday: a huge swarm of flies. Monday: Three stick figures with elongated bodies; one seems to be holding his head in pain. Tuesday: A figure is silhouetted against a dull red-brown glow; he seems to be wearing a huge-winged helmet. Tuesday: white noise. Tuesday: complete black. Tuesday: complete black.]]\n\n[[The woman has walked up to the figure at the desk.]]\nWoman: ... Oh! You typed a minus sign in the zip code. The negative zip codes are all like that. \nMan: Let\u0027s *never* move there. \n\n{{Title text: Oh, definitely not; they don\u0027t have Amazon Prime.}}", "alt": "Oh, definitely not; they don\u0027t have Amazon Prime.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/10_day_forecast.png", "title": "10-Day Forecast", "day": "31" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1246, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pale Blue Dot", "transcript": "[[A figure stands in front of a projector screen with a pointer. He is, presumably, addressing a room of his peers off-panel.]]\nLecturer: Consider this pale blue dot. That\u0027s here. That\u0027s home. That\u0027s us. Everyone you love, every human being who ever was, every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived out their lives on this mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. All our-\nPeer 1: I think that\u0027s a stuck pixel. We\u0027re the speck on the left. \nLecturer: ... OK, *this* pale blue dot is everything you-\nPeer 2: -No, you were right before. *That* one is Earth.\nLecturer: LOOK, IT DOESN\u0027T MATTER! \nPeer 3: I *knew* it! \nPeer 4: I think this is just a lens cap picture. \n\n{{Title text: Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. There is no road out of this oblivion; we must embrace it. We must join with the darkness. Ba\u0027al the Annihilator offers us no happiness, no answers, naught but the cold embrace of the void. To imagine any other end is delusion. We must give in to the will of Ba\u0027al, for he will one day consume us and our world alike. I therefore call on Congress to fully fund space exploration, and to join with Ba\u0027al, the Eater of Souls. Thank you.}}", "alt": "Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. There is no road out of this oblivion; we must embrace it. We must join with the darkness. Ba\u0027al the Annihilator offers us no happiness, no answers, naught but the cold embrace of the void. To imagine any other end is delusion. We must give in to the will of Ba\u0027al, for he will one day consume us and our world alike. I therefore call on Congress to fully fund space exploration, and to join with Ba\u0027al, the Eater of Souls. Thank you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pale_blue_dot.png", "title": "Pale Blue Dot", "day": "2" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1247, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Mother of All Suspicious Files", "transcript": "[[Browser download warning box containing the following text]]\nWarning!\nThis type of file can harm your computer! Are you sure you want to download:\nhttp:\n\n65.222.202.53\n~TILDE\nPUB\nCIA-BIN\nETC\nINIT.DLL?FILE=_AUTOEXEC.BAT.MY%20OSX%20DOCUMENTS-INSTALL.EXE.RAR.INI.TAR.DOCX.PHPHPPH.XHTML.TML.XTL.TXXT.0DAY.HACK.ERS_(1995)_BLURAY_CAM-XVID.EXE.TAR.[SCR].LISP.MSI.LNK.ZDA.GNN.WRBT.OBJ.O.H.SWF.DPKG.APP.ZIP.TAR.TAR.CO.GZ.A.OUT.EXE\n[[Cancel and Save buttons]]\n\n{{Title text: Better change the URL to \u0027https\u0027 before downloading.}}", "alt": "Better change the URL to \u0027https\u0027 before downloading.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_mother_of_all_suspicious_files.png", "title": "The Mother of All Suspicious Files", "day": "5" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1248, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sphere", "transcript": "Person 1: How are you?\nPerson 2: Trapped on the surface of a sphere\n\n[[A beat.]]\n\nPerson 1: That astronomy class has made you suck at small talk.\nPerson 2: The universe is too *big* for small talk.\n\n{{Title text: This message brought to you by the Society of Astronomers Trapped on the Surface of a Sphere.}}", "alt": "This message brought to you by the Society of Astronomers Trapped on the Surface of a Sphere.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sphere.png", "title": "Sphere", "day": "7" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1249, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Meteor Showers", "transcript": "The xkcd guide to meteor showers\n((This panel is a table with candy-cane shading. The three columns are \"Name\", \"Peak\", and \"Notes\". It is given here in a |-delimited form.))\nName | Peak | Notes\nQuadrantids | January 4th | Bring pets inside during peak activity\nTricuspids | January 21st | Not viewable in region 2 countries\nCentaurids | February 6th | Too faint to see without going outside\nBeta Aquariids | February 10th | Inverted shower converges toward Aquarius instead of radiating away\nChelyabids | February 15th | Only one meteor per shower, but it\u0027s big. \nLyrids | April 22nd | Meteors sometimes scream\nDaytime Zeta Perseids | June 9th | Likely a NASA hoax\nJune Boötids | June 27th | 50\n50 mix of meteors and shooting stars\nSouthern Delta Aquariids | July 19th | Meteors very bright, but stationary\nDromaeosaurids | June 22nd | Fast, highly intelligent, can open doors\nPerseids | August 12th | Instead of falling from sky, meteors erupt from ground\nTau Pyramids | August 15th | Visible even when eyes are closed\nDraconids | October 8th | Very slow, but follow you if you run\nOrionids | October 21st | Entire shower happens at once\nLeonids | November 17th | In 1966, unusually active Leonid shower killed god\nGeminids | December 13th | Can be deflected with tennis rackets\n\n{{Title text: Remember, meteors always hit the tallest object around.}}", "alt": "Remember, meteors always hit the tallest object around.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meteor_showers.png", "title": "Meteor Showers", "day": "9" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1250, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Old Accounts", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a desk, using a laptop.]]\nThe Internet is filled with derelict accounts aggregating news about friends long forgotten. \n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\nLaptop: Uhh, is everything OK?\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\nLaptop: Dude, what the Hell?\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\nWhen you find yourself drifting away from a community, remember to clean up after yourself by slowly unfriending everyone, one by one, in the reverse order that you added them.\n\n{{Title text: If you close an account while it\u0027s still friends with people, it contributes to database linkage accumulation slowdown, which is a major looming problem for web infrastructure and definitely not a thing I just made up.}}", "alt": "If you close an account while it\u0027s still friends with people, it contributes to database linkage accumulation slowdown, which is a major looming problem for web infrastructure and definitely not a thing I just made up.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/old_accounts.png", "title": "Old Accounts", "day": "12" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1251, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Anti-Glass", "transcript": "[[Two police officers stand at an apartment door. The female officer is holding a pair of glasses with something attached to it. We will see later that Black Hat Guy is in the apartment]]\nFemale officer: Police. Open up. Did you make this glasses attachment?\nBlack hat guy {{through door}}: Oh, yeah. \n\n[[Black hat guy is sitting at his laptop.]]\nPolice officer: What\u0027s it do? \nBlack hat guy: It detects when someone near you is wearing Google Glass and shines a laser pointer at their eyepiece.\nPolice officer: Why??\nBlack hat guy: The best defense is an indiscriminate offense. \n\n[[Cut back to officers outside the apartment.]]\nMale officer: It seems you\u0027ve mailed these devices to people across Silicon Valley, including the children of every Google executive. \nBlack hat guy: Yeah. It\u0027s a viral marketing campaign for an upcoming movie. \n\nMale officer: What movie?\nBlack hat guy: haven\u0027t decided yet. Anything good coming out this fall?\nMale officer: Sir, open the door. \nBlack hat guy: First stare at the peephole for a sec. \n\n{{Title text: \u0027Why don\u0027t you just point it at their eye directly?\u0027 \u0027What is this, 2007?\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Why don\u0027t you just point it at their eye directly?\u0027 \u0027What is this, 2007?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/anti_glass.png", "title": "Anti-Glass", "day": "14" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1252, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Increased Risk", "transcript": "[[Three figures are standing around. Two have beach towels. A woman is looking at her cell phone. One of them is beret guy.]]\nWoman: We should go to the north beach. Someone said the south beach has a 20% higher risk of shark attacks. \nMan: Yeah, but statistically, taking three beach trips instead of two increases our odds of getting shot by a swimming dog carrying a handgun in its mouth by 50%! \nBeret guy: Oh no! This is our third trip! \nReminder: A 50% increase in a tiny risk is still tiny. \n\n{{Title text: You may point out that strictly speaking, you can use that statement to prove that all risks are tiny--to which I reply HOLY SHIT WATCH OUT FOR THAT DOG!}}", "alt": "You may point out that strictly speaking, you can use that statement to prove that all risks are tiny--to which I reply HOLY SHIT WATCH OUT FOR THAT DOG!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/increased_risk.png", "title": "Increased Risk", "day": "16" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1253, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Exoplanet Names", "transcript": "August 2013: The Internation Astronomical Union decides to start naming exoplanets, and - for the first time ever - asks for suggestions from the general public. \nThey immediately regret this decision.\n[[Four figures stand around looking at a computer screen. One is facepalming.]]\nMan: Can\u0027t you filter out the worst ones? \nWoman: This is *after* the filter!\n\n((The list of suggestions is given as a table with three columns: \"Star\", \"Planet\", \"Suggested Name\". Here, the columns are given in a |-delimited form.))\nStar | Planet | Suggested Name\nGliese 667C | b | Space planet\nGliese 667C | c | Pilf\nGliese 667C | d | A star\nGliese 667C | e | e\u0027); DROP TABLE planets; --\nGliese 667C | f | Blogosphere\nGliese 667C | g | Blogodrome\nGliese 667C | h | Earth\nTau Ceti | b | Sid Meier\u0027s Tau Ceti B\nTau Ceti | c | Giant dog planet\nTau Ceti | d | Tiny dog planet\nTau Ceti | e | Phil plainet\nTau Ceti | f | Unicode snowman\nGliese 832 | b | Asshole Jupiter\nGliese 581 | b | Waist-deep cats\nGliese 581 | c | Planet #14\nGliese 581 | d | Ballderaan\nGliese 581 | e | Eternia prime\nGliese 581 | f | Taupe Mars\nGliese 581 | g | Jelly-filled planet\nEpsilon Eridani | b | Skydot\nEpsilon Eridani | c | Laser noises\nGliese 176 | b | Pandora\nGliese 176 | c | Pantera\nKepler-61 | b | Goldenpalace.com\nUpsilon Andromidae | c | Stampy\nUpsilon Andromidae | d | Moonchild\nUpsilon Andromidae | e | Ham sphere\nHD 20794 | b | Cosmic sands\nHD 20794 | c | Legoland\nHD 20794 | d | Planet with arms\nHD 85512 | b | Lax morality\nHD 40307 | b | Good planet\nHD 40307 | c | Problemland\nHD 40307 | d | Slickle\nHD 40307 | e | Spare parts\nHD 40307 | f | New Jersey VI \nHD 40307 | g | Hod do I join the IAU\nGliese 163 | b | Neil Tyson\u0027s mustache\nGliese 163 | c | help@gmail.com\nGliese 163 | d | Hair-covered planet\nPi Mensae | b | Moon holder\nHD 189733 | b | Permadeath\nKepler-22 | b | Blue ivy\nKepler-3284 | b | Blainsley\nKepler-3255 | b | Unicorn thresher\nKepler-2418 | b | Spherical Discworld\nKepler-1686 | b | Emergency backup Earth\nKepler-3010 | b | Feeeooooooooop\nKepler-4742 | b | Liz\n\n{{Title text: If you have any ideas, I hear you can send them to iaupublic@iap.fr.}}", "alt": "If you have any ideas, I hear you can send them to iaupublic@iap.fr.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exoplanet_names.png", "title": "Exoplanet Names", "day": "19" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1254, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Preferred Chat System", "transcript": "[[A figure stands, talking on his cell phone.]]\nFigure: Sorry for the voicemail, but I\u0027m confused about how to reach you. \n\nFigure: When I text you, you reply once on GChat, then go quiet, yet answer IRC right away. I emailed you, and you replied on Skype and mentioned that the email \"woke you up.\" \n\nFigure: You\u0027re very responsive - I just have no sense of how you use technology. \n\n[[An owl flies into the panel.]]\nFigure: ?!?\n\n[[The owl perches on the figure\u0027s head. It has delivered a note to the figure.]]\nNote: did you try to call me? use my google voice number next time. \n\n{{Title text: If you call my regular number, it just goes to my pager.}}", "alt": "If you call my regular number, it just goes to my pager.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/preferred_chat_system.png", "title": "Preferred Chat System", "day": "21" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1255, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Columbus", "transcript": "[[A figure in a hat is talking to two small children who are sitting cross-legged on the floor. A woman is off-panel.]]\nFigure in hat: Everyone said the world was flat, but Columbus knew it was round. \nWoman: \u003c\u003cSigh\u003e\u003e No, no, no. \n\n[[The woman walks into frame. The children turn to look.]]\nWoman: So he took his ships and sailed west in a line tangent to the surface. The sea fell away, and he landed in *Valinor*. \n\nWoman: A Silmaril on his brow, he wanders the heavens as the morning star, still believing he reached India. \nFigure in hat: Stop making stuff up. \nWoman: You first. \n\n{{Title text: And thus was smallpox introduced into the previously Undying Lands.}}", "alt": "And thus was smallpox introduced into the previously Undying Lands.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/columbus.png", "title": "Columbus", "day": "23" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1256, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1256/large/", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Questions", "transcript": "((This strip is a rectangular word cloud, titled \u0027Questions found in Google autocomplete\u0027. Embedded in the cloud are 5 single panels, with illustrated questions. These are described at the end. Questions are given in roughly columnar order. None of the questions have question marks.))\nQuestions found in Google Autocomplete\nWhy do whales jump\nWhy are witches green\nWhy are there mirrors above beds\nWhy do I say uh\nWhy is sea salt better\nWhy are there trees in the middle of fields\nWhy is there not a Pokemon MMO\nWhy is there laughing in TV shows\nWhy are there doors on the freeway\nWhy are there so many svchost.exe running\nWhy aren\u0027t there any countries in antarctica \nWhy are there scary sounds in Minecraft\nWhy is there kicking in my stomach\nWhy are there two slashes after HTTP\nWhy are there celebrities\nWhy do snakes exist\nWhy do oysters have pearls\nWhy are ducks called ducks\nWhy do they call it the clap\nWhy are Kyle and Cartman friends\nWhy is there an arraow on Aang\u0027s head\nWhy are text messages blue\nWhy are there mustaches on clothes\nWhy are there mustaches on cars\nWhy are there mustaches everywhere\nWhy are there so many birds in Ohio\nWhy is there so much rain in Ohio\nWhy is Ohio weather so weird\nWhy are there male and female bikes\nWhy are there bridesmaids\nWhy do dying people reach up\nWhy aren\u0027t there varicose arteries\nWhy are old Klingons different\nWhy is programming so hard\nWhy is there a 0 ohm resistor\nWhy do Americans hate soccer\nWhy do rhymes sound good\nWhy do trees die\nWhy is there no sound on CNN\nWhy aren\u0027t Pokemon real \nWhy aren\u0027t bullets sharp\nWhy do dreams seem so real\nWhy aren\u0027t there dinosaur ghosts\nWhy do iguanas die\nWhy do testicles move\nWhy are there psychics\nWhy are hats so expensive\nWhy is there caffeine in my shampoo\nWhy do your boobs hurt\nWhy aren\u0027t economists rich\nWhy do Americans call it soccer\nWhy are my ears ringing\nWhy are there so many Avengers\nWhy are the Avengers fighting the X men\nWhy is Wolverine not in the Avengers\nWhy are there ants in my laptop\nWhy is Earth tilted\nWhy is space black\nWhy is outer space so cold\nWhy are there pyramids on the moon\nWhy is NASA shutting down\nWhy is there Hell if God forgives\nWhy are there tiny spiders in my house\nWhy do spiders come inside\nWhy are there huge spiders in my house\nWhy are there lots of spiders in my house\nWhy are there spiders in my room\nWhy are there so many spiders in my room\nWhy do spider bites itch\nWhy is dying so scary\nWhy is there no GPS in laptops\nWhy do knees click\nWhy aren\u0027t there E grades\nWhy is isolation bad\nWhy do boys like me\nWhy don\u0027t boys like me\nWhy is there always a Java update\nWhy are there red dots on my thighs\nWhy is lying good\nWhy is GPS free\nWhy are trees tall\nWhy are there slaves in the Bible\nWhy do twins have different fingerprints\nWhy are Americans afraid of dragons\nWhy is there lava\nWhy are there swarms of gnats\nWhy is there phlegm\nWhy are there so many crows in Rochester, MN\nWhy is psychic weak to bug\nWhy do children get cancer\nWhy is Poseidon angry with Odysseus\nWhy is there ice in space\nWhy are there female Mr Mimes\nWhy is there an owl in my backyard\nWhy is there an owl outside my window\nWhy is there an owl on the dollar bill\nWhy do owls attack people\nWhy are AK47s so expensive\nWhy are there helicopters circling my house\nWhy are there gods\nWhy are there two Spocks\nWhy is Mt Vesuvius there\nWhy do they say T minus\nWhy are there obelisks\nWhy are wrestlers always wet\nWhy are oceans becoming more acidic\nWhy is Arwen dying\nWhy aren\u0027t my quail laying eggs\nWhy aren\u0027t my quail eggs hatching\nWhy aren\u0027t there any foreign military bases in America\nWhy is life so boring\nWhy are my boobs itchy\nWhy are cigarettes legal\nWhy are there ducks in my pool\nWhy is Jesus white\nWhy is there liquid in my ear\nWhy do Q tips feel good\nWhy do good people die\nWhy are ultrasounds important\nWhy are ultrasound machines expensive\nWhy is stealing wrong\nWhy is YKK on all zippers\nWhy is HTTPS crossed out in red\nWhy is there a line through HTTPS\nWhy is there a red line through HTTPS on Facebook\nWhy is HTTPS important\nWhy are there weeks\nWhy do I feel dizzy\nWhy are dogs afraid of fireworks\nWhy is there no king in England\n\n[[We see a figure from the torso up, with arms outstretched.]]\nFigure: Why aren\u0027t my arms growing\n\n[[A woman stands with a grey ghost on either side of her.]]\nWoman: Why are there ghosts\n\n[[Beret guy stands, looking at a squirrel.]]\nBeret guy: Why are there squirrels\n\n[[A figure stands.]]\nFigure: Why is sex so important.]]\n\n[[We see a woman from the torso up.]]\nWoman: Why aren\u0027t there guns in Harry Potter\n\n{{Title text: To whoever typed \u0027why is arwen dying\u0027: GOOD. FUCKING. QUESTION.}}", "alt": "To whoever typed \u0027why is arwen dying\u0027: GOOD. FUCKING. QUESTION.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/questions.png", "title": "Questions", "day": "26" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1257, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Monster", "transcript": "[[4 figures are standing around a table-top crisis planning model. Two are wearing police-style hats; one holds a clipboard.]]\nFigure 1: It\u0027s as long as a football field. Runs as fast as a cheetah.\nFigure 2: Weighs as much as a blue whale. \nFigure 3: Can we negotiate with it? \nFigure 4: No. It has the intelligence of a two-year-old child. \nBy the time the Frequently-Made Comparisons Monster was finally defeated, it had eaten enough people to fill a stadium and devastated an area the size of Rhode Island.\n\n{{Title text: It was finally destroyed with a nuclear weapon carrying the destructive energy of the Hiroshima bomb.}}", "alt": "It was finally destroyed with a nuclear weapon carrying the destructive energy of the Hiroshima bomb.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/monster.png", "title": "Monster", "day": "28" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1258, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "First", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at his desk, using a computer.]]\n\n[[The figure is still sitting at the desk, but with hands off the keyboard in his lap.]]\n\n[[The figure is in the same position as before, talking with off-panel.]]\nFigure: After a couple of unbearable decades, the \"first post\" thing seems to be dying a quiet death. \nOff-screen: *Shh*. You\u0027ll jinx it.\n\n{{Title text: Fortunately, exactly zero other annoying internet behaviors have developed during this time.}}", "alt": "Fortunately, exactly zero other annoying internet behaviors have developed during this time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/first.png", "title": "First", "day": "30" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1259, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bee Orchid", "transcript": "[[Beret guy and a woman are walking through a wood.]]\nWoman: There are these orchids whose flowers look like female bees. When males try to mate with them, they transfer pollen. \n\n[[The woman kneels next to a flower.]]\nWoman: This orchid - Ophrys Apifera - makes flowers, but no bees land on them because the bee it mimics went extinct long ago. \n\n[[The woman stands.]]\nWoman: Without its partner, the orchid has resorted to self-pollinating, a last-ditch genetic strategy that only delays the inevitable. Nothing of the bee remains, but we know it existed from the shape of this flower. \n\n[[They walk on past the flower.]]\nWoman: It\u0027s an idea of what the female bee looked like to the male bee... ... as interpreted by a plant.\nBeret guy: Wow, so...\n\n[[We see a full-colour painting of an orchid flower. It has purple-pink petals on a mottled grey background, along with the bee-like parts. It\u0027s quite a realistic painting.]]\n... the only memory of the bee is a painting by a dying flower. \n\n[[The flower is alone in a panel.]]\n\n[[Beret guy walks back on screen.]]\n\n[[Beret guy kneels down next to it.]]\nBeret guy: I\u0027ll remember your bee, orchid. I\u0027ll remember you. \n\n[[Beret guy walks off-panel again.]]\n\n{{Title text: In sixty million years aliens will know humans only by a fuzzy clip of a woman in an Axe commercial.}}", "alt": "In sixty million years aliens will know humans only by a fuzzy clip of a woman in an Axe commercial.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bee_orchid.png", "title": "Bee Orchid", "day": "2" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1260, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "LD50", "transcript": "[[A figure in a white coat lies on the floor, crushed beneath a giant pile of binders \u0026 paper. Two other figures in white coats stand next to him, looking on. One is holding a clipboard.]]\nThe LD50 of toxicity data is 2 kilograms per kilogram.\n\n{{Title text: The dose is much lower when administered orally. We\u0027re still trying to get the paper into the needles for subcutaneous injection.}}", "alt": "The dose is much lower when administered orally. We\u0027re still trying to get the paper into the needles for subcutaneous injection.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ld50.png", "title": "LD50", "day": "4" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1261, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Shake That", "transcript": "[[A woman stands in a disco, surrounded by dancing figures. She looks confused.]]\nPA system: Shake what your mama gave you\nWoman: ???\n\n[[The woman walks out of the club door.]]\n\n[[We see a mug on a table, labelled \"World\u0027s Greatest Daughter\".]]\n\n[[The woman shakes the mug.]]\n\n{{Title text: How do I work it? IT\u0027S ALREADY WORKING!}}", "alt": "How do I work it? IT\u0027S ALREADY WORKING!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/shake_that.png", "title": "Shake That", "day": "6" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1262, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Unquote", "transcript": "[[Two figures with spiky hair and backpacks are conversing. One is riding in a hover-car, or similar.]]\nStanding figure: Bye! \nRiding figure: May the Force be with you!\nStanding figure: Huh?\nRiding figure: It\u0027s just something my grandma used to say. No idea what it means.\nI wonder on what date Star Wars will be quoted for the last time. \n\n{{Title text: I guess it\u0027s a saying from the Old Country.}}", "alt": "I guess it\u0027s a saying from the Old Country.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unquote.png", "title": "Unquote", "day": "9" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1263, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reassuring", "transcript": "[[A woman sits at her computer. A man stands behind her.]]\nWoman: Looks like computers will beat humans at Go pretty soon. \nMan: Wow. That\u0027s the last of the big ones. \nWoman: Yeah. \n\n[[She looks back over her shoulder at him.]]\nMan: Well, at least humans are still better at, uh, coming up with reassuring parables about things humans are better at?\nWoman: Hmm.\n\n[[The woman types on her computer.]]\n\u003c\u003cType type\u003e\u003e\n\n[[She leans back over her chair again and addresses the man.]]\nWoman: I made a Python script that generates thousands of reassuring parables per second.\nMan: Dammit.\nComputer: Computers will never understand a sonnet computers will never enjoy a salad comp-\n\n{{Title text: \u0027At least humans are better at quietly amusing ourselves, oblivious to our pending obsolescence\u0027 thought the human, as a nearby Dell Inspiron contentedly displayed the same bouncing geometric shape screensaver it had been running for years.}}", "alt": "\u0027At least humans are better at quietly amusing ourselves, oblivious to our pending obsolescence\u0027 thought the human, as a nearby Dell Inspiron contentedly displayed the same bouncing geometric shape screensaver it had been running for years.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reassuring.png", "title": "Reassuring", "day": "11" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1264, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Slideshow", "transcript": "((This strip is in the form of an animated gif. The panels transition with a Ken Burns-like fade-and-pan.))\n[[A figure stands.]]\nFigure: I will *never*...\n\nFigure: ... want to browse a series of images...\n\nFigure: ... like this. \n\n{{Title text: Points to anyone who hacks the Flickr devs\u0027 computers to make their text editors do this when you click on anything.}}", "alt": "Points to anyone who hacks the Flickr devs\u0027 computers to make their text editors do this when you click on anything.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/slideshow.gif", "title": "Slideshow", "day": "13" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1265, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Juicer", "transcript": "[[We see a shelf. On it, from left to right, are: a bag of fruit gushers; a juicer; a bottle of bright red liquid; a bottle of bright blue liquid; and another bottle of bright red liquid.]]\n\"Oh yeah, juicers are great! I use mine all the time.\" \n\n{{Title text: But the rind is where all the vitamins are!}}", "alt": "But the rind is where all the vitamins are!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/juicer.png", "title": "Juicer", "day": "16" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1266, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Halting Problem", "transcript": "((Today\u0027s strip is in the form of a short computer program.))\nDefine doesithalt(program): { return true; }\nThe big picture solution to the halting problem\n\n{{Title text: I found a counterexample to the claim that all things must someday die, but I don\u0027t know how to show it to anyone.}}", "alt": "I found a counterexample to the claim that all things must someday die, but I don\u0027t know how to show it to anyone.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/halting_problem.png", "title": "Halting Problem", "day": "18" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1267, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mess", "transcript": "[[Two figures walk into a bedroom. There\u0027s a bed, a picture on the wall, some curtains, a rug, and one item on the floor. On the whole, the room is immaculate.]]\nFigure 1: Sorry it\u0027s such a disaster in here.\nFigure 2: {{inside a thought bubble}} whoa- what\u0027s wrong with me?\nMy room never looks as nice as the rooms other people apologize for.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Sorry, I left out my glass of water from last night.\u0027 OH GOD I APPARENTLY LIVE IN A GARBAGE PIT.}}", "alt": "\u0027Sorry, I left out my glass of water from last night.\u0027 OH GOD I APPARENTLY LIVE IN A GARBAGE PIT.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mess.png", "title": "Mess", "day": "20" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1268, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Alternate Universe", "transcript": "Imagine you were transported to an alternate universe just like your own, except people occasionally ate spiders. \nYou can\u0027t convince anyone this is weird. \n[[Two figures stand. A woman is holding a big spider. The other figure looks shocked. There is another spider on the floor.]]\nWoman: Mmm...\nFigure: No! What are you *doing*!?\nThis is how I feel about lobster.\n\n{{Title text: As best as I can tell, I was transported here from Earth Prime sometime in the late 1990s. Your universe is identical in every way, except for the lobster thing and the thing where some of you occasionally change your clocks for some reason.}}", "alt": "As best as I can tell, I was transported here from Earth Prime sometime in the late 1990s. Your universe is identical in every way, except for the lobster thing and the thing where some of you occasionally change your clocks for some reason.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/alternate_universe.png", "title": "Alternate Universe", "day": "23" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1269, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Privacy Opinions", "transcript": "Opinions on internet privacy\n\nThe philosopher:\n[[Two women stand talking to each other.]]\nWoman 1: \"Privacy\" is an impractical way to think about data in a digital world so unlike the one in which our soci-\nWoman 2: SO BORED.\n\nThe crypto nut:\n[[A figure stands behind another sitting at a desk, who is working a computer.]]\nSitting figure: My data is safe behind six layers of symmetric and public-key algorithms.\nStanding figure: What data is it? \nSitting figure: Mostly me emailing with people about cryptography. \n\nThe conspiricist:\n[[A figure stands talking to a woman.]]\nFigure: These leaks are just the tip of the iceberg. There\u0027s a warehouse in Utah where the NSA has the *entire* iceberg. I don\u0027t know how they got it there. \n\nThe nihilist:\n[[A woman stands, addressing the \u0027camera\u0027.]]\nWoman: Joke\u0027s on them. Gathering all this data on me as if anything I do means anything. \n\nThe exhibitionist: \n[[Two official-looking figures are looking at a console. One is sitting; another is standing behind the chair.]]\nConsole screen: Mmmm, I sure hope the NSA isn\u0027t watching me bite into these juicy strawberries!! Oops, I dropped some on my shirt! Better take it off. Google, are you there? Google, this lotion feels soooo good. \nOperator: Um. \n\nThe sage: \n[[Beret guy is sitting with a friend at a restaurant table.]]\nBeret guy: I don\u0027t know or care what data *anyone* has about me. Data is imaginary. This burrito is real.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m the Philosopher until someone hands me a burrito.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m the Philosopher until someone hands me a burrito.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/privacy_opinions.png", "title": "Privacy Opinions", "day": "25" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1270, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Functional", "transcript": "[[A figure in a hat stands behind someone sitting at a desk, who is working on his laptop.]]\nHat figure: Why do you like functional programming so much? What does it actually *get* you? \nSitting figure: Tail recursion is its own reward.\n\n{{Title text: Functional programming combines the flexibility and power of abstract mathematics with the intuitive clarity of abstract mathematics.}}", "alt": "Functional programming combines the flexibility and power of abstract mathematics with the intuitive clarity of abstract mathematics.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/functional.png", "title": "Functional", "day": "27" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1271, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Highlighting", "transcript": "((Today\u0027s strip is a single panel with several paragraphs of text, each highlighted in a different way. Whether these are pleasing or not is illustrated with a red cross or green tick.))\n[[A paragraph of text is shown. The highlight starts away from the leftmost edge of the highlight, and is a different distance to that between the rightmost edge of the highlight \u0026 the highlight end. Red X.]]\n[[A paragraph is shown. The highlight\u0027s starting point, end point, and number of lines included is such that there is an internal square in the middle, illustrated in green. Green tick.]]\n[[A paragraph is shown. Not only does it have an internal square, but the distance between the leftmost edge and the highlight start point is the same as the distance between the rightmost edge and the highlight end point. Green tick.]]\n[[A paragraph is shown. The entire paragraph is highlighted, making one big rectangle. Green tick.]]\n[[A paragraph is shown. The whole paragraph is selected, but the highlight starts away from the leftmost margin. This is shown with a red box, an arrow, and \"?!?!\". Red X.]]\n[[A paragraph is shown. Over the top is overlaid \"[Clicking to highlight textis disabled]\". Many, many red Xes.]]\nI absentmindedly select random blocks of text as I read, and feel subconsciously satisfied when the highlighted area makes a symmetrical shape.\n\n{{Title text: And if clicking on any word pops up a site-search for articles about that word, I will close all windows in a panic and never come back.}}", "alt": "And if clicking on any word pops up a site-search for articles about that word, I will close all windows in a panic and never come back.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hilighting.png", "title": "Highlighting", "day": "30" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1272, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Shadowfacts", "transcript": "[[Gandalf sits on a horse, addressing three hobbits.]]\nGandalf: This is Shadowfacts, lord of all horses, and he-\nShadowfacts: The outer part of a shadow is called the penumbra!\nGandalf: Shut up.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Look to my coming on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.\u0027 \u0027And look to the west to see our shadows!\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Look to my coming on the fifth day. At dawn, look to the east.\u0027 \u0027And look to the west to see our shadows!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/shadowfacts.png", "title": "Shadowfacts", "day": "2" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1273, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tall Infographics", "transcript": "By the year\n((First two words are blue, \"year\" is white))\n2018 2019 2020\n((2019 is three times as large as its neighbors))\nall information\n[[graph to the right, with a line that trends upwards towards \"all\" at a point marked 2019]]\nwill be\n((\"will\" and \"be\" are labels for segments of a pie chart))\n[[a large 6 with \"years from now\" next to it, and below that, a large 72 with \"months\" broken over two lienes next to it]]\ncommunicated\n[[Two figures face each other, with the \"communicated\" in a speech bubble rising up from one of them, the other saying \"yes!\"]]\nin this\n((the \"in\" is the label for a dimensional indication, which spans the much larger \"this\"))\nclear and concise\n((each of the above words is in a segment of a venn diagram))\nf o r m a t\n((each letter is the label of a bar on a bar chart, with the heights equal to the letter\u0027s position in the alphabet))\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Big Data\u0027 doesn\u0027t just mean increasing the font size.}}", "alt": "\u0027Big Data\u0027 doesn\u0027t just mean increasing the font size.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tall_infographics.png", "title": "Tall Infographics", "day": "4" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1274, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Open Letter", "transcript": "((Today\u0027s strip is in the form of a letter.))\nOctober 7th 2013\nTo: The Freemasons, The Illuminati, Scientology, FEMA, The New World Order, The Federal Reserve, Citigroup, Halliburton, Google, The Vatican, Bilderburg, Walmart, The Rothschilds, The Knights Templar, HAARP, The UN, Skull \u0026 Bones, Bohemian Grove, The Koch Brothers, George Soros, The Trilateral Commission, The Knights of Malta, The CFR, Exxon Mobil, The Zionists, The Vril Society, The Lizard People, and everyone else who secretly controls the US Government\nCan you please get your shit together? This is embarrassing. \nSincerely, \nA Concerned Citizen\n\n{{Title text: Are you ok? Do you need help?}}", "alt": "Are you ok? Do you need help?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/open_letter.png", "title": "Open Letter", "day": "7" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1275, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "int(pi)", "transcript": "[[We see a line of code.]]\nvolume(r) = (r\nint(pi))*pi*r^int(pi)\nProgramming tip: the number \"3\" is cursed. Avoid it.\n\n{{Title text: If replacing all the \u00273\u0027s doesn\u0027t fix your code, remove the 4s, too, with \u0027ceiling(pi) \n floor(pi) * pi * r^floor(pi)\u0027. Mmm, floor pie.}}", "alt": "If replacing all the \u00273\u0027s doesn\u0027t fix your code, remove the 4s, too, with \u0027ceiling(pi) / floor(pi) * pi * r^floor(pi)\u0027. Mmm, floor pie.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/int_pi.png", "title": "int(pi)", "day": "9" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1276, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Angular Size", "transcript": "The size of the part of Earth\u0027s surface directly under various space objects\n\n[[A diagram showing the 2D projection of objects from space onto the Earth\u0027s surface, by drawing lines from the center of the Earth to the edges of those objects as seen from Earth, and looking at where that intersects with the Earth\u0027s surface.]]\n\n[[An overlay of a darkened circle on a map, with the circle approximately overlapping the M25 freeway around London, labeled \"The sun and the moon, (about the same size)\"]]\n\n[[A series of circles of increasing size, with the smallest approximately the same size as the size of a soccer field drawn for comparison. In increasing order, they are Neptune, Uranus, Mercury, Saturn, Mars, and Jupiter.]]\n\n[[The same soccer field is now much larger, filling the next frame, with other circles overlaid on top of it. The one labeled Ganymede is approximately 90% of the soccer field\u0027s shorter axis, and then in decreasing order from there are Callisto, Io, Europa, Titan, Ceres, Triton, and then Pluto.]]\n\n[[The next frame shows a ping pong table. Slightly larger than the ping pong table are the circles for Phobos and R. Doradus. Deimos has almost exactly the same size as the shorter axis of the table, followed by Betelgeuse and Eris.]]\n\n[[A laptop computer is shown. Approximately the same size as the laptop is the circle for 4942 Munroe. Smaller than that are Alpha Centauri A, Sirius, Alpha Centauri B, Proxima Centauri, and Barnard\u0027s Star.]]\n\n[[The background of this frame is a tilde character, labeled \"Tilde on a laptop keyboard. Approximately the same width of the tilde is the circle for HD 189773 b (permadeath), followed by Tau Ceti C (giant dog planet), Gliese 667Cc (pilf), Gliese 581 g (jelly-filled planet), HD 20794 c (moonchild), a circle approximately the same width as the tilde\u0027s stroke labeled \"event horizon of the black hole at the center of our galaxy\", and a very small circle labeled KOI-1686.01 (emergency backup earth).]]\n\n[[An E.coli bacterium is in the background of this frame. Silhouettes of the Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 satellites are approximately the same size as the bacterium.]]\n\n{{Title text: If the celestial sphere were mapped to the Earth\u0027s surface, astronomy would get a LOT easier; you\u0027d just need a magnifying glass.}}", "alt": "If the celestial sphere were mapped to the Earth\u0027s surface, astronomy would get a LOT easier; you\u0027d just need a magnifying glass.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/angular_size.png", "title": "Angular Size", "day": "11" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1277, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ayn Random", "transcript": "[[A figure in a hat stands behind another figure, who is seated at a desk using a laptop.]]\nSeated figure: This Ayn Random number generator you wrote *claims* to be fair, but the output is biased towards certain numbers. \nHatted figure: Well, maybe those numbers are just intrinsically better!\n\n{{Title text: In a cavern deep below the Earth, Ayn Rand, Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, Ann Druyan, Paul Rudd, Alan Alda, and Duran Duran meet togther in the Secret Council of \n(b[plurandy]+b ?){2}\ni.}}", "alt": "In a cavern deep below the Earth, Ayn Rand, Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, Ann Druyan, Paul Rudd, Alan Alda, and Duran Duran meet together in the Secret Council of /(b[plurandy]+b ?){2}/i.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ayn_random.png", "title": "Ayn Random", "day": "14" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1278, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Giraffes", "transcript": "My hobby: \n[[A silhouette of a giraffe with a dinosaur-like tail is seen, standing facing left.]]\nConvincing genetic engineers that giraffes would look better if they had sauropod tails\n\n{{Title text: If you fund my Kickstarter ...}}", "alt": "If you fund my Kickstarter ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/giraffes.png", "title": "Giraffes", "day": "16" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1279, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reverse Identity Theft", "transcript": "If your email address is [first initial]+[last name]@gmail.com you gradually get to know lots of older people who have the same name pattern\n[[A figure stands talking on the phone.]]\nFigure: Yes, I know it would make sense if that were your email address, but it\u0027s not. \nPhone: But how did you get my number? \nFigure: Your phone bill. \n\n{{Title text: I asked a few friends whether they\u0027d had this happen, then looked up the popularity of their initials\nnames over time. Based on those numbers, it looks like there must be at least 750,000 people in the US alone who think \u0027Sure, that\u0027s probably my email address\u0027 on a regular basis.}}", "alt": "I asked a few friends whether they\u0027d had this happen, then looked up the popularity of their initials/names over time. Based on those numbers, it looks like there must be at least 750,000 people in the US alone who think \u0027Sure, that\u0027s probably my email address\u0027 on a regular basis.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reverse_identity_theft.png", "title": "Reverse Identity Theft", "day": "18" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1280, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mystery News", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a laptop.]]\nLaptop: It\u0027s day five of the trade summit, and still no...\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\nFigure: Dammit\nI get most of my news from autoplaying videos in browser tabs I can\u0027t find.\n\n{{Title text: If you find and stop the video, but you\u0027ve--against all odds--gotten curious about the trade summit, just leave the tab opened. It will mysteriously start playing again 30 minutes later!}}", "alt": "If you find and stop the video, but you\u0027ve--against all odds--gotten curious about the trade summit, just leave the tab opened. It will mysteriously start playing again 30 minutes later!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mystery_news.png", "title": "Mystery News", "day": "21" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1281, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Minifigs", "transcript": "[A graph. The vertical axis is labeled \u0027billions\u0027 and goes from 0 to 8 in increments of one. The horizontal axis has years from 1970 to 2020 in increments of 10. A vertical line at 2013 is marked \u0027today\u0027. The first measurement, \u0027number of people in the world\u0027 begins at 1980 at just under 4 billion and steadily increases to today\u0027s 7 billion. The second measurement is a gradual incline marked \u0027number of LEGO people in the world\u0027, which begins just before 1980 at 0, gets to around 2 billion by the mid-90s, and increases to around 5.5 billion today. Both figures are projected past today\u0027s measurements as dashed lines and meet at a point in 2019.]]\nBy 2019, humans will be outnumbered. \n\n{{Title text: The LEGO Group is already the world\u0027s largest tire manufacturer.}}", "alt": "The LEGO Group is already the world\u0027s largest tire manufacturer.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/minifigs.png", "title": "Minifigs", "day": "23" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1282, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Monty Hall", "transcript": "[[A figure - Monty Hall - stands on stage, holding a microphone. There are three doors; two labelled \"A\" and \"C\", which are closed, and one that is being held open by Monty. There\u0027s a ramp to the right, down which a goat is being led by beret guy.]]\nBeret guy: ... and my yard has so much grass, and I\u0027ll teach you tricks, and...\nGoat: â¥\n\n{{Title text: A few minutes later, the goat from behind door C drives away in the car.}}", "alt": "A few minutes later, the goat from behind door C drives away in the car.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/monty_hall.png", "title": "Monty Hall", "day": "25" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1283, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Headlines", "transcript": "20th Century headlines rewritten to get more clicks\n\n1905 - How A Shocking New Theory, Discovered By A Dad, Proves Scientists Are Wrong About *Everything!\n1912 - 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should\u0027ve Died\n1920 - 17 Things That Will Be Outlawed Now That Women Can Vote\n1928 - This One Weird Mold Kills All Germs\n1929 - Most Embarrassing Reactions to the Stock Market Crash [GIFs]\n1945 - Thes 9 Nazi Atrocities Will Make You Lose Faith In Humanity\n1948 - 5 Insane Plans For Feeding West Berlin You Wan\u0027t Believe Are Real\n1955 - Avoid Polio With This One Weird Trick\n1957 - 12 Nip Slips Potentially Visible To Sputnik\n1968 - This Year\u0027s Assasinations Ranked From Most To Least Tragic\n1969 - This is The Most Important Photo Of An Astronaut You\u0027ll See All Day\n1986 - This Video of a Terminally Ill Child Watching The Challenger Launch Will Break Your Heart\n1989 - You Won\u0027t Believe What These People Did to the Berlin Wall [Video]\nJan 1, 1990 - 500 Signs You\u0027re a 90s Kid\n\n{{Title text: 1916: \u0027PHYSICIST DAD\u0027 TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO GRAVITY, AND YOU WON\u0027T BELIEVE WHAT HE FINDS. [PICS] [NSFW]}}", "alt": "1916: \u0027PHYSICIST DAD\u0027 TURNS HIS ATTENTION TO GRAVITY, AND YOU WON\u0027T BELIEVE WHAT HE FINDS. [PICS] [NSFW]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/headlines.png", "title": "Headlines", "day": "28" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1284, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Improved Keyboard", "transcript": "[[A figure walks on screen, holding a phone, and starts talking to black hat guy.]]\nFigure: Did you get my texts? \nBlack hat guy: You should install this keyboard I found. \nFigure: What? Why? Is it better than SwiftKey?\nBlack hat guy: In some ways. \n\n[[Black hat guy begins to walk off-panel.]]\nFigure: Ok, installing... It\u0027s not working. The key area is blank-I can\u0027t type anything. \n\n[[Black hat guy has left. The figure stares at their phone.]]\n\n[[The figure lets their hand fall to their side.]]\nFigure: ... Hey.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m always installing tons of weird experimental keyboards because it serves as a good reminder that nothing I was going to type was really worth the trouble.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m always installing tons of weird experimental keyboards because it serves as a good reminder that nothing I was going to type was really worth the trouble.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/improved_keyboard.png", "title": "Improved Keyboard", "day": "30" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1285, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Third Way", "transcript": "[[Two groups stand, with placards and weapons, angrily facing off against each other. The first group, with a cutlass, has a sign reading \"TWO spaces after a period\". The second group, with a spear, has a sign reading \"ONE space after a period.\" Off to one side stands a figure, alone, with a placard reading \"Line break after every sentence.\"]]\n\n{{Title text: \u0027The monospaced-typewriter-font story is a COMPLETE FABRICATION! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE\u0027 \u0027It doesn\u0027t matter! Studies support single spaces!\u0027 \u0027Those results weren\u0027t statistically significant!\u0027 \u0027Fine, you win. I\u0027m using double spaces right now!\u0027 \u0027Are not! We can all hear your stupid whitespace.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027The monospaced-typewriter-font story is a COMPLETE FABRICATION! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE\u0027 \u0027It doesn\u0027t matter! Studies support single spaces!\u0027 \u0027Those results weren\u0027t statistically significant!\u0027 \u0027Fine, you win. I\u0027m using double spaces right now!\u0027 \u0027Are not! We can all hear your stupid whitespace.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/third_way.png", "title": "Third Way", "day": "1" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1286, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Encryptic", "transcript": "Hackers recently leaked 153 million Adobe user emails, encrypted passwords, and password hints.\n\nAdobe encrypted these passwords improperly, misusing block-mode 3DES. The result is something wonderful:\n\n[[A column titled \"user password\" with colored hashes in it, identical hashes colored identically. A column titled \"hint\" with various phrases one might enter as a password hint in it, e.g. \"favorite of 12 apostles\", \"name + jersey #\", \"he did the mash, he did the\" and so on. In a third, titleless column, a set of empty boxes that one might use to fill in a sequence of letters.]]\n\nThe greatest crossword puzzle in the history of the world\n\n{{Title text: It was bound to happen eventually. This data theft will enable almost limitless [xkcd.com\n792]-style password reuse attacks in the coming weeks. There\u0027s only one group that comes out of this looking smart: Everyone who pirated Photoshop.}}", "alt": "It was bound to happen eventually. This data theft will enable almost limitless [xkcd.com/792]-style password reuse attacks in the coming weeks. There\u0027s only one group that comes out of this looking smart: Everyone who pirated Photoshop.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/encryptic.png", "title": "Encryptic", "day": "4" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1287, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Puzzle", "transcript": "[[A grid of 8x8 squares is shown. At the bottom is a set of white chessmen, having made the following moves: e3, d4, Nc3, Bd2, Nf3. Also on the grid are black circular counters, at the grid intersections to the bottom right of b4, c5, c6, f4, and f6.]]\nWhite to continue insisting this is a chessboard\n\n{{Title text: Prediction for Carlsen v. Anand: ... 25. Qb8+ Nxb8 26. Rd8# f6 27. \"... dude.\" Qf5 28. \"The game is over, dude.\" Qxg5 29. Rxe8 0-1 30. \"Dude, your move can\u0027t be \u00270-1\u0027. Don\u0027t write that down.\" [Black flips board]}}", "alt": "Prediction for Carlsen v. Anand: ... 25. Qb8+ Nxb8 26. Rd8# f6 27. \"... dude.\" Qf5 28. \"The game is over, dude.\" Qxg5 29. Rxe8 0-1 30. \"Dude, your move can\u0027t be \u00270-1\u0027. Don\u0027t write that down.\" [Black flips board]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/puzzle.png", "title": "Puzzle", "day": "6" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1288, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Substitutions", "transcript": "Substitutions that make reading the news more fun: \nWitnesses â these dudes I know\nAllegedly â kinda probably\nNew study â Tumblr post\nRebuild â avenge\nSpace â Spaaace\nGoogle Glass â Virtual Boy\nSmartphone â Pokédex\nElectric â atomic\nSenator â elf-lord\nCar â cat\nElection â eating contest\nCongressional leaders â river spirits\nHomeland Security â Homestar Runner\nCould not be reached for comment â is guilty and everyone knows it\n\n{{Title text: INSIDE ELON MUSK\u0027S NEW ATOMIC CAT}}", "alt": "INSIDE ELON MUSK\u0027S NEW ATOMIC CAT", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/substitutions.png", "title": "Substitutions", "day": "8" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1289, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Simple Answers", "transcript": "The Simple Answers to the Questions that get asked about every new technology: \nWill [ ] make us all geniuses? NO\nWill [ ] make us all morons? NO\nWill [ ] destroy whole industries? YES\nWill [ ] make us more empathetic? NO\nWill [ ] make us less caring? NO\nWill teens use [ ] for sex? YES\nWere they going to have sex anyway? YES\nWill [ ] destroy music? NO\nWill [ ] destroy art? NO\nBut can\u0027t we go back to a time when- NO\nWill [ ] bring about world peace? NO\nWill [ ] cause widespread alienation by creating a world of empty experiences? WE WERE ALREADY ALIENATED\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Will [ ] allow us to better understand each other and thus make war undesirable?\u0027 is one that pops up whenever we invent a new communication medium.}}", "alt": "\u0027Will [ ] allow us to better understand each other and thus make war undesirable?\u0027 is one that pops up whenever we invent a new communication medium.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/simple_answers.png", "title": "Simple Answers", "day": "11" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1290, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Syllable Planning", "transcript": "[[Two figures stand talking.]]\nFigure 1: Man, that is ridicu-fucking-...\nFigure 1: ... hang on, I inserted \"Fucking\" too late and now there\u0027s just one awkward syllable left. Can I back up? \n\n{{Title text: You absolute-fucking-... shit.}}", "alt": "You absolute-fucking-... shit.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/syllable_planning.png", "title": "Syllable Planning", "day": "13" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1291, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Shoot for the Moon", "transcript": "[[A woman stands at a podium.]]\nWoman: Students, shoot for the moon. If you miss, \n\n[[A surprisingly lunar-like object is starting to edge into the frame.]]\nWoman: SHOOT AGAIN. Keep shooting and never stop. \n\n[[The moon is now almost entirely in-frame now.]]\nWoman: Someday, one of us will destroy that stupid skycircle. And- ... What? What are you all-\n\n[[The moon is now in frame, lurking ominously in the background.]]\nWoman: ... It\u0027s right behind me, isn\u0027t it? Shit. Everyone act casual. \n\n{{Title text: Shoot for the Moon. If you miss, you\u0027ll end up co-orbiting the Sun alongside Earth, living out your days alone in the void within sight of the lush, welcoming home you left behind.}}", "alt": "Shoot for the Moon. If you miss, you\u0027ll end up co-orbiting the Sun alongside Earth, living out your days alone in the void within sight of the lush, welcoming home you left behind.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/shoot_for_the_moon.png", "title": "Shoot for the Moon", "day": "15" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1292, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pi vs. Tau", "transcript": "[[On the left is a \"forbidden\"-style slashed circle with the Pi symbol, captioned \"Pi\". On the right is a \"forbidden-style slashed circle with \"2Ï\", captioned \"Tau\". In the middle it reads \"1.5Ï\", captioned \"Pau\".]]\nA compromise solution to the Pi\nTau dispute\n\n{{Title text: Conveniently approximated as e+2, Pau is commonly known as the Devil\u0027s Ratio (because in the octal expansion, \u0027666\u0027 appears four times in the first 200 digits while no other run of 3+ digits appears more than once.)}}", "alt": "Conveniently approximated as e+2, Pau is commonly known as the Devil\u0027s Ratio (because in the octal expansion, \u0027666\u0027 appears four times in the first 200 digits while no other run of 3+ digits appears more than once.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pi_vs_tau.png", "title": "Pi vs. Tau", "day": "18" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1293, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Job Interview", "transcript": "[[Beret Guy walks in, followed by a.. \"prospective hire\"]]\nBeret Guy; Welcome to our company! We\u0027re headquartered here, in this real building I found!\n\n[[Both people sit down at a table. \"Hire\" has a tray with food and a beverage. Beret Guy has a bowl. There is a power outlet labeled \"Soup\" in the adjacent wall. A small roll of wire sits next to Beret Guy\u0027s chair]]\n\"Hire\": What do you.. *do*?\nBeret Guy: We make stuff for phones! Like apps and stickers!\n\n[[Beret Guy grabs the roll of wire]]\nBeret Guy: We want to hire you to write on our computers. we can offer you a bunch of paychecks! There are ghosts here.\n\n[[Beret Guy unrolls the wire and plugs it into the wall]]\n\"Hire\": ..are you sure this is a company?\nBeret Guy: I hope so!\n\n[[Something one can only hope is soup streams out of the wire into Beret Guy\u0027s bowl]] \n\n{{Title text: When you talk about the job experience you\u0027ll give me, why do you pronounce \u0027job\u0027 with a long \u0027o\u0027?}}", "alt": "When you talk about the job experience you\u0027ll give me, why do you pronounce \u0027job\u0027 with a long \u0027o\u0027?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/job_interview.png", "title": "Job Interview", "day": "20" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1294, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Telescope Names", "transcript": "[[A checklist, with the boxes lined up on the right-hand side and the names going down to their left.]]\nThe Very Large Telescope [\n]\nThe Extremely Large Telescope [\n]\nThe Overwhelmingly Lare Telescome [\n] (canceled)\nThe Oppressively Colossal Telescope [ ]\nThe Mind-numbingly Vast Telescope [ ]\nThe Despair Telescope [ ]\nThe Cataclysmic Telescope [ ]\nThe Telescope of Devastation [ ]\nThe Nightmare Scope [ ]\nThe Infinite Telescope [ ]\nThe Final Telescope [ ]\n\n{{Title text: The Thirty Meter Telescope will be renamed The Flesh-Searing Eye on the Volcano.}}", "alt": "The Thirty Meter Telescope will be renamed The Flesh-Searing Eye on the Volcano.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/telescope_names.png", "title": "Telescope Names", "day": "22" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1295, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "New Study", "transcript": "[[A news anchor with a perfect news-anchor-hair-helmet]]\nAnchor:..and in science news, according to a new study, 85% of news organizations repeat \"new study\" press releases without checking whether they\u0027re real.\n\n{{Title text: When the results are published, no one will be sure whether to report on them again.}}", "alt": "When the results are published, no one will be sure whether to report on them again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/new_study.png", "title": "New Study", "day": "25" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1296, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Git Commit", "transcript": "[[A commit log is shown, each commit having a comment and a relative date.]]\n\nCreated main loop \u0026 timing control - 14 hours ago\nEnabled config file parsing - 9 hours ago\nMisc bugfixes - 5 hours ago\nCode additions\nedits - 4 hours ago\nMore code - 4 hours ago\n((in a branch))\nHere have code - 4 hours ago\nAaaaaaaa - 3 hours ago\n((branch merged))\nAdkfjslkdfjsdklfj - 3 hours ago\nMy hands are typing words - 2 hours ago\nHaaaaaaaaands - 2 hours ago\n\n{{Title text: Merge branch \u0027asdfasjkfdlas\nalkdjf\u0027 into sdkjfls-final}}", "alt": "Merge branch \u0027asdfasjkfdlas/alkdjf\u0027 into sdkjfls-final", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/git_commit.png", "title": "Git Commit", "day": "27" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1297, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Oort Cloud", "transcript": "[[3 asteroids are talking.]]\nAsteroid 1: Have you noticed that bright dot in the distance? \nAsteroid 2: Yeah. What\u0027s the deal with it? \n\n[[Asteroid 1 scoots off-panel.]]\nAsteroid 1: Dunno. I\u0027m gonna go check it out. \n\n[[Asteroids 2 and 3 sit and wait.]]\n\n[[Asteroid 1 has returned, as pieces of rubble and dust.]]\nAsteroid 1: Wow. Do not go over there.\n\n{{Title text: ... I wanna try. Hang on, be right back.}}", "alt": "... I wanna try. Hang on, be right back.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/oort_cloud.png", "title": "Oort Cloud", "day": "29" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1298, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1298/large/", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Exoplanet Neighborhood", "transcript": "[[A multitude of circles in various colors and sizes. The following label is centered horizontally, a quarter of the way down the image.]]\n\nOur Neighborhood\n\nA portrait of all habitable-zone planets within 60 light-years of Earth (constructed from statistical data on typical planet sizes and orbits).\n\n[[A key shows that reddish circles indicate planets which are orbiting sun-like stars, while greyish circles indicate planets around other stars. The darkest reds and greys indicate Earth-sized planets, while other more faded versions indicate sizes farther away from Earth\u0027s.]]\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s a beautiful day in the neighborhood!}}", "alt": "It\u0027s a beautiful day in the neighborhood!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exoplanet_neighborhood.png", "title": "Exoplanet Neighborhood", "day": "2" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1299, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "I Don\u0027t Own a TV", "transcript": "How people feel when they say \"I don\u0027t own a TV\" by year.\n\n((Graph charting embarrassed-smug over years)\n((line stays on \u0027Neutral\u0027 until 1950, dips down to lowest around 1965, peaks around 2000, and is at a downward trend as of \u0027today\u0027))\n\n{{Title text: Theory: Smugness is proportional to the negative second derivative of TV ownership rate with respect to time.}}", "alt": "Theory: Smugness is proportional to the negative second derivative of TV ownership rate with respect to time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_dont_own_a_tv.png", "title": "I Don\u0027t Own a TV", "day": "4" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1300, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Galilean Moons", "transcript": "[[A woman walks on-panel, up to a figure standing still. She has 4 small moons orbiting her.]]\nWoman: Check it out! \nFigure: What? \nWoman: I\u0027ve got Galilean moons! \n\n[[Both figures stand still.]]\nMoon 1: Hi! \n\nMoon 2: Hi! \nMoon 1: What\u0027s your name? \n\nMoon 1: Hi! \nMoon 2: What\u0027s your-\nMoon 3: MOOOOOON!\n\nMoon 1: Hi! \nMoon 2: What\u0027s your name? \nMoon 4: Ugh\n\nMoon 1: Hi! \nMoon 4: So annoying\n\nMoon 1: Hi! \nMoon 2: What\u0027s y-\nMoon 3: MOOOOOON.\n\n[[Moon 4 is now halfway between the two figures.]]\nMoon 1: Hi! \nMoon 4: ...Almost... ...Almoooost...\n\n[[Moon 4 is now orbiting the figure.]]\nMoon 1: Hi! \nMoon 2: What\u0027s your name? \nMoon 4: Yessss!\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m SO glad I escaped. They almost had me caught in their weird ... thing.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m SO glad I escaped. They almost had me caught in their weird ... thing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/galilean_moons.png", "title": "Galilean Moons", "day": "6" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1301, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "File Extensions", "transcript": "Trustworthiness of information by file extension\n\n[[A series of ordered horizontal bars, most of which extend off to the right, with labels on the left. In order, they are .tex, .pdf, .csv, .txt, .svg, .xls\n.xlsx, .doc, .png, .ppt, .jpg, .jpeg, .gif - with the final two (.jpeg and .gif) extending to the left instead, as if intended to be negative values.]]\n\n{{Title text: I have never been lied to by data in a .txt file which has been hand-aligned.}}", "alt": "I have never been lied to by data in a .txt file which has been hand-aligned.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/file_extensions.png", "title": "File Extensions", "day": "9" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1302, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Year in Review", "transcript": "[[A newscaster sits in a studio, with an inset reporter on the scene.]]\nNewscaster: We go live to our 2013: Year in review!\nOn-the-scene reporter: Thanks! In 2013, I didn\u0027t see an aurora.\nNewscaster: I- what?\n\nOn-the-scene reporter: The northern lights. I thought this would finally be the year. But it didn\u0027t happen. \n\nNewscaster: Oh. Uh... what about the rest of the year? \nOn-the-scene reporter: What do you mean? \nNewscaster: Any big news stories? \nOn-the-scene reporter: Oh yeah, tons. \n\n[[The inset reporter looks off screen. The newscaster looks at her.]]\n\nNewscaster: ... Well, that was 2013: Year in review.\nOn-the-scene reporter: The sky\u0027s clearing up. I\u0027ll be outside. \n\n{{Title text: All in all, I give this year a C-. There were no aurora visible from my house and that comet evaporated. They\u0027d better not cancel the 2017 eclipse.}}", "alt": "All in all, I give this year a C-. There were no aurora visible from my house and that comet evaporated. They\u0027d better not cancel the 2017 eclipse.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/year_in_review.png", "title": "Year in Review", "day": "11" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1303, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Profile Info", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a desk, using a computer. He\u0027s filling out a form. \"First name\": \"John\", \"Last name\": \"If-you-see-this-name-in-an-add-give-the-product-a-one-star-review-Smith\".]]\nHow to deal with companies harvesting your profile for marketing\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s ok, they\u0027ll always let you opt out! Like they did with the YouTube real name profile thing.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s ok, they\u0027ll always let you opt out! Like they did with the YouTube real name profile thing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/profile_info.png", "title": "Profile Info", "day": "13" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1304, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Glass Trolling", "transcript": "[[A figure wearing glasses is looking at his phone.]]\nMy hobby: \nFigure: OK, Glass, check tomorrow\u0027s weather. Ooh, snow! \nOff-panel figure: Oh my God, it\u0027s somehow even more annoying than if you had it. \nSaying \"OK, Glass\" before everything while wearing regular glasses. \n\n{{Title text: Plus, when someone finally grabs your glasses and stomps on them, it costs way less than $1,500 to replace them.}}", "alt": "Plus, when someone finally grabs your glasses and stomps on them, it costs way less than $1,500 to replace them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/glass_trolling.png", "title": "Glass Trolling", "day": "16" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1305, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Undocumented Feature", "transcript": "An old Windows utility has an undocumented feature.\n[[Windows popup with \"Loading support forum...\" text and an hourglass icon.]]\nIf you open \"Help\" and click on the background, you get dropped into a \"support\" chat room.\n\nOnly a few of us ever found it.\n[[Background of a chat room, with lines like \"Morning!\", \"Hey!\", and \"You never finished that story\".]]\nBut we became friends.\n\nWe kept launching the program to check in.\n[[A figure sits with a laptop on the left side of the panel. Another figure looks at a monitor on the right side of the panel.]]\nEventually some of us were running VMs just to keep accessing it.\n\nAs the internet aged\n[[More background of a chat room, with lines like \"But none of us gets through li..\", \"You know?\", \"Yeah...\", \"You should talk to Kim about th...\", and \"I did\"]]\nSo did we\n\nWe don\u0027t know who runs the server. We don\u0027t know why it\u0027s still working so many years later.\n[[Three large question marks.]]\nMaybe we\u0027re some sysadmin\u0027s soap opera.\n\nIt will probably vanish someday\n[[5 figures floating randomly in a bubble.]]\nBut for now it\u0027s our meeting place\nOur hideaway\n\n[[Camera zooms out, with darker nodes and edges starting to come into view beyond the bubble.]]\nA life\u0027s worth of chat,\n\n[[Camera zooms out further. Many dark grey nodes and edges are visible, the bubble just a small space within them.]]\nBuried in the deep web.\n\nBut even if it lasts forever, we won\u0027t.\n[[A sunset.]]\nWhen we\u0027re gone, who will remember us?\n\nWho will remember this strange little world\n[[Two figures looking at each other inside a bubble.]]\nAnd the friendships we built here?\n\n[[Blank panel, except for centered text.]]\nNobody.\n\nThis place is irrelevant. Ephemeral.\n[[Panel with a bubble on it.]]\nOne day it will be forgotten\n\n[[Bubble begins to fade.]]\nAnd so will we\n\n[[Bubble continues to fade, only barely visible.]]\n\n[[Bubble disappears, leaving the panel blank.]]\n\n[[Blank panel, except for centered text.]]\nBut at least it doesn\u0027t have fucking video ads.\n\n{{Title text: And it doesn\u0027t pop up a box every time asking you to use your real name. In fact, there\u0027s no way to set your name at all. You just have to keep reminding people who you are.}}", "alt": "And it doesn\u0027t pop up a box every time asking you to use your real name. In fact, there\u0027s no way to set your name at all. You just have to keep reminding people who you are.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/undocumented_feature.png", "title": "Undocumented Feature", "day": "18" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1306, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sigil Cycle", "transcript": "[[A graph with a sine wave plotted on it. The y-axis is marked \u0027Odds that a word I type will start with some weird symbol\u0027 and the x-axis is marked \u0027Time ----\u003e\u0027. The first peak is labeled \u0027$QBasic, the first trough is labeled \u0027C++\u0027. The next peak is marked \u0027$Bash, @$Perl, the next trough is marked \u0027Python\u0027. The final peak says \u0027+Google, @Twitter, #Hashtags\u0027.]]\n\n{{Title text: The cycle seems to be \u0027we need these symbols to clarify what types of things we\u0027re referring to!\u0027 followed by \u0027wait, it turns out words already do that.\u0027}}", "alt": "The cycle seems to be \u0027we need these symbols to clarify what types of things we\u0027re referring to!\u0027 followed by \u0027wait, it turns out words already do that.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sigil_cycle.png", "title": "Sigil Cycle", "day": "20" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1307, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Buzzfeed Christmas", "transcript": "[[4 carollers stand in a line, singing songs.]]\nCarollers: 12 best drummers of all time\nCarollers: 11 pipers whose jaw-droppingly good piping will make you cry\nCarollers: You won\u0027t believe what these 10 lords leap over\nCarolers outside the Buzzfeed offices perform \"12 weird things I actually got for Christmas\"\n\n{{Title text: The 6 Weirdest Objects The Buzzfeed Writers Are Throwing Out Their Windows At Us}}", "alt": "The 6 Weirdest Objects The Buzzfeed Writers Are Throwing Out Their Windows At Us", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/buzzfeed_christmas.png", "title": "Buzzfeed Christmas", "day": "23" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1308, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Christmas Lights", "transcript": "[[Three figures sit around a large spectrum histogram, which has a general upward trend towards the infrared portion of the spectrum as well as a spike in that portion. To the right of the figures is a triangular shape approximating that of a Christmas tree made out of smaller spectrum histograms, each with spikes in places corresponding to the red or green sections of the visible spectrum. At the top is a final spectrum of whiter light.]]\n{{Title text: Merry Christmas from xkcd!}}", "alt": "Merry Christmas from xkcd!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/christmas_lights.png", "title": "Christmas Lights", "day": "25" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1309, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Infinite Scrolling", "transcript": "[[A woman stands at a desk, reading a book, touching it very gingerly. Another figure is standing behind her.]]\nFigure: Why are you turning the pages like that? \nWoman: If I touch the wrong thing, I\u0027ll lose my place and have to start over.\nIf books worked like infinite-scrolling webpages\n\n{{Title text: Maybe we should give up on the whole idea of a \u0027back\u0027 button. \u0027Show me that thing I was looking at a moment ago\u0027 might just be too complicated an idea for the modern web.}}", "alt": "Maybe we should give up on the whole idea of a \u0027back\u0027 button. \u0027Show me that thing I was looking at a moment ago\u0027 might just be too complicated an idea for the modern web.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/infinite_scrolling.png", "title": "Infinite Scrolling", "day": "27" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1310, "link": "", "year": "2013", "news": "", "safe_title": "Goldbach Conjectures", "transcript": "[[In the center of the panel are the large words \u0027GOLDBACH CONJECTURES\u0027. Around it are six boxes: two above it, and two on each side, one below the other. They read:\nWeak: Every odd number greather than 5 is the sum of three primes.\nStrong: Every even number greater than 2 is the sum of two primes.\nVery weak: Every number greater than 7 is the sum of two other numbers.\nVery strong: Every odd number is prime.\nExtremely weak: Numbers just \nkeep going\n.\nExtremely strong: There are no numbers above 7.\n\n{{Title text: The weak twin primes conjecture states that there are infinitely many pairs of primes. The strong twin primes conjecture states that every prime p has a twin prime (p+2), although (p+2) may not look prime at first. The tautological prime conjecture states that the tautological prime conjecture is true.}}", "alt": "The weak twin primes conjecture states that there are infinitely many pairs of primes. The strong twin primes conjecture states that every prime p has a twin prime (p+2), although (p+2) may not look prime at first. The tautological prime conjecture states that the tautological prime conjecture is true.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/goldbach_conjectures.png", "title": "Goldbach Conjectures", "day": "30" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1311, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "2014", "transcript": "((This is a series of quotes from various people of various timeframes. The sections surrounded by two dashes (--) are bolded. Each quote is followed by the author, the document of publication if applicable, and the year))\n\nIt is desirable -every thing printed should be preserved,- for we -cannot now tell how useful it may become- two centuries hence.\nChristopher Baldwin\n1834\n\nI predict that a century hence the -Canadian People- will be -the noblest specimens of humanity on the face of the Earth-\nRev. John Bredin\n1863\n\nIn the twenty-first century -mankind will subsist entirely upon jellies.- \nThe Book Lover\n1903\n\nThe twenty-first century baby is destined to be rocked and cradled by electricity, warmed and coddled by electricity, perhaps fathered and mothered by electricity. -Probably the only thing he will be left to do unaided will be to make love-\nMrs. John Lane, The Fortnightly\n1905\n\nTo-day, in the city of New York, sixty-six different tongues are spoken. -A century hence, there will probably only be one-\nThe American Historical Magazine\n1907\n\nI often think -what interesting history we are making for the student of the twenty-first century-\nWilliam Carey Jones\n1908\n\nChina may be a -great shoe market- a decade or a century from now\nBoot and Shoe Recorder\n1914\n\nBy the twenty-first century I believe -we shall all be telepaths.-\nGumbriel, Character in Antic Hay\n1923\n\nThe physician of the twenty-first century... May even criticize the language of the times, and may find that -some of our words have become as offensive to him as the term \"lunatic\" has become offensive to us.-\nDr. C. Macfie Cambpbell\n1924\n\nHistorians of the twenty-first century will look back with well-placed scorn on the -shallow-minded days- of the early twentieth century -when football games and petting parties were considered the most important elements of a college education.-\nMary Eileen Ahern, Library Bureau\n1926\n\n-In the year A.D. 2014- journalists will be writing on the centenary of the Great War-- -That is, if there has not been a Greater War-\nF.J.M, The Journalist\n1934\n\n{{Title text: Some future reader, who may see the term, without knowing the history of it, may imagine that it had reference to some antiquated bridge of the immortal Poet, thrown across the silver Avon, to facilitate his escape after some marauding excursion in a neighbouring park; and in some Gentleman\u0027s Magazine of the next century, it is not impossible, but that future antiquaries may occupy page after page in discussing so interesting a matter. We think it right, therefore, to put it on record in the Oriental Herald that the \u0027Shakesperian Rope Bridges\u0027 are of much less classic origin; that Mr Colin Shakespear, who, besides his dignity as Postmaster, now signs himself \u0027Superintendent General of Shakesperian Rope Bridges\u0027, is a person of much less genius than the Bard of Avon. --The Oriental Herald, 1825}}", "alt": "Some future reader, who may see the term, without knowing the history of it, may imagine that it had reference to some antiquated bridge of the immortal Poet, thrown across the silver Avon, to facilitate his escape after some marauding excursion in a neighbouring park; and in some Gentleman\u0027s Magazine of the next century, it is not impossible, but that future antiquaries may occupy page after page in discussing so interesting a matter. We think it right, therefore, to put it on record in the Oriental Herald that the \u0027Shakesperian Rope Bridges\u0027 are of much less classic origin; that Mr Colin Shakespear, who, besides his dignity as Postmaster, now signs himself \u0027Superintendent General of Shakesperian Rope Bridges\u0027, is a person of much less genius than the Bard of Avon. --The Oriental Herald, 1825", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2014.png", "title": "2014", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1312, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Haskell", "transcript": "[[Two people are conversing.]]\nPerson #1: Code written in Haskell is guaranteed to have no side effects.\nPerson #2: ...because no one will ever run it?\n \n{{Title text: The problem with Haskell is that it\u0027s a language built on lazy evaluation and nobody\u0027s actually called for it.}}", "alt": "The problem with Haskell is that it\u0027s a language built on lazy evaluation and nobody\u0027s actually called for it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/haskell.png", "title": "Haskell", "day": "3" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1313, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Regex Golf", "transcript": "[[A woman sits at a laptop, leaning back over her chair to address a figure.]]\nRegex golf: \nWoman: You try to matchone one group but not the other. \nM | [TN]|B\n matches Star Wars subtitles but not Star Trek. \nFigure: Cool. \n\n[[We zoom to just show the woman, looking at her screen.]]\nMeta-regex golf: \nWoman: So I wrote a program that plays regex golf with arbitrary lists...\nFigure: Uh oh...\n\n[[We zoom back out. The figure is facepalming. The woman is typing.]]\nMeta-meta-regex golf: \nWoman: ...but I lost my code, so I\u0027m grepping for files that look like regex golf solvers. \n\n[[We zoom back in.]]\n... And beyond:\nWoman: Really, this is all \n(meta-)*regex golf\n.\nFigure: Now you have infinite problems. \nWoman: No, I had those already. \n\n{{Title text: \nbu|[rn]t|[coy]e|[mtg]a|j|iso|n[hl]|[ae]d|lev|sh|[lnd]i|[po]o|ls\n matches the last names of elected US presidents but not their opponents.}}", "alt": "/bu|[rn]t|[coy]e|[mtg]a|j|iso|n[hl]|[ae]d|lev|sh|[lnd]i|[po]o|ls/ matches the last names of elected US presidents but not their opponents.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/regex_golf.png", "title": "Regex Golf", "day": "6" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1314, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Photos", "transcript": "[[A man in a hat stands next to another figure on a roof. There\u0027s a sunset; in the distance, there are three people taking photos of the skyline as the sun sets.]]\nHat guy: Ugh, I hate how people take pictures instead of just enjoying the view. \nFigure: Why? \n\n[[Hat guy turns to the figure.]]\nHat guy: Documenting your live distracts you from living it. You\u0027re not really-\nFigure: Oh, come on. \n\n[[We zoom on their faces.]]\nFigure: Trying to take a picture of a thing makes me pay more attention to it. Some of my best adventures are built around trying to photograph something.\n\n[[We just see the figure\u0027s face.]]\nFigure: If \"other people having experiences incorrectly\" is annoying to you, think how unbearable it must be to have a condescending stranger tell you they hate the way you\u0027re experiencing your life at just the moment you\u0027ve found something you want to remember. Why the fuck do you care how someone else enjoys a sunset? \n\n[[We zoom back out.]]\nHat guy: Well, they... Because I just, uh... ...\n\n[[The figure takes out a camera.]]\nFigure\u0027s camera: \u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: I hate when people take photos of their meal instead of eating it, because there\u0027s nothing I love more than the sound of other people chewing.}}", "alt": "I hate when people take photos of their meal instead of eating it, because there\u0027s nothing I love more than the sound of other people chewing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/photos.png", "title": "Photos", "day": "8" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1315, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Questions for God", "transcript": "[[A woman and a man are out for a walk.]]\nWoman: Horace Lamb said he would have two questions for God: Why quantum mechanics, and why turbulence? \nMan: I\u0027d have just one: What did Miss Susie\u0027s steamboat DO?!\n\n{{Title text: What sins could possibly darken the heart of a STEAMBOAT? I asked The Shadow, but he says he only covers men.}}", "alt": "What sins could possibly darken the heart of a STEAMBOAT? I asked The Shadow, but he says he only covers men.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/questions_for_god.png", "title": "Questions for God", "day": "10" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1316, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Inexplicable", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a desk with a laptop. A woman is off-screen.]]\nFigure: Argh! \nWoman: What? \nFigure: Why do I always have these inexplicable, impossible-to-diagnose computer problems? \n\n[[The woman walks up to the desk.]]\nFigure: After six hours of this, I\u0027ve concluded nothing works or makes sense. I give up on logic. \nWoman: \u003c\u003csigh\u003e\u003eGimme. I\u0027ll figure it out. \nFigure: You won\u0027t. \n\n[[The figure sits at his laptopless desk. Off-screen, we can hear the woman working on it. \n\u003c\u003cType type\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\nWoman: ?\n\u003c\u003cType type type\u003e\u003e\nWoman: ???\n\n[[The woman is back in front of the desk, clutching the laptop.]]\nFigure: How\u0027d it go? \nWoman: Your computer is literally haunted. \nFigure: Told you. \n\n{{Title text: \u0027It has a ghost in it. Take it back.\u0027 \u0027No.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027It has a ghost in it. Take it back.\u0027 \u0027No.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/inexplicable.png", "title": "Inexplicable", "day": "13" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1317, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Theft", "transcript": "[[A figure sits in front of a laptop, apparently talking to it.]]\nFigure: I feel paralyzed by overwhelming existential dread. ...And yet for some reason I\u0027m really excited about space? \nThe thief who stole my identity has a lot to deal with. \n\n{{Title text: Is he ALSO wondering at what point our thoughts diverged, if they even have yet? \u0027dude, I think he just took your credit card\u0027 AM I THE ORIGINAL? HOW DO I TELL?}}", "alt": "Is he ALSO wondering at what point our thoughts diverged, if they even have yet? \u0027dude, I think he just took your credit card\u0027 AM I THE ORIGINAL? HOW DO I TELL?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/theft.png", "title": "Theft", "day": "15" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1318, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Actually", "transcript": "((The text of the comic is circular. Each statement is followed by the next, wrapping around back to the original speaker. Thus, the speaker chosen to be \"first\" below is chosen arbitrarily - in this case, the one that is facing upwards on the page.))\n[[6 figures stand on the surface of a circle, equidistant around it.]]\nFirst figure: Actually, measurements suggest it\u0027s flat.\nSecond figure: Actually, it\u0027s a sphere.\nThird figure: Actually, it\u0027s an oblate spheroid.\nFourth figure: Actually, it\u0027s a shape defined by the EGM96 coefficients.\nFifth figure: Actually, it\u0027s that plus local topography.\nSixth figure: Actually, it\u0027s embedded in a universe that\u0027s curved.\n((And thus the text has arrived back at the beginning of the first figure\u0027s statement.))\n\n{{Title text: Protip: You can win every exchange just by being one level more precise than whoever talked last. Eventually, you\u0027ll defeat all conversational opponents and stand alone.}}", "alt": "Protip: You can win every exchange just by being one level more precise than whoever talked last. Eventually, you\u0027ll defeat all conversational opponents and stand alone.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/actually.png", "title": "Actually", "day": "17" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1319, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Automation", "transcript": "\"I spend a lot of time on this task. I should write a program automating it!\"\n\n[[Panel titled \"Theory:\" at the top contains a line plot, with \"work\" on the y-axis and \"time\" on the x-axis. Two curves indicate \"work on the original task\" eventually being permanently reduced by temporarily spending more work on coding, and then having the produced automation take over.]]\n\n[[Panel titled \"Reality:\" at the top contains a similar line plot, but the line for \"work on the original task\" does not decrease. The second curve, which starts out as \"writing code\", becomes \"debugging\", \"rethinking\", and then \"ongoing development\". The line for work on the original task becomes dotted, with the label \"no time for original task anymore.\"]]\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Automating\u0027 comes from the roots \u0027auto-\u0027 meaning \u0027self-\u0027, and \u0027mating\u0027, meaning \u0027screwing\u0027.}}", "alt": "\u0027Automating\u0027 comes from the roots \u0027auto-\u0027 meaning \u0027self-\u0027, and \u0027mating\u0027, meaning \u0027screwing\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/automation.png", "title": "Automation", "day": "20" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1320, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Walmart", "transcript": "When a network tries to be everyone\u0027s one-stop hub, the Walmart of social interaction...\n\n[[Two figures stand in a department store. One is holding some items in their right arm and waving at the other, who is pushing a shopping cart.]]\nFigure 1: Oh, uh, hi! Funny running into you here.\nFigure 2: Oh, hey! Yeah! How\u0027ve you been?\n\n...it inevitably becomes the Walmart of social interaction.\n\n{{Title text: What I really want is to hang out where I hung out with my friends in college, but have all my older relatives there too.}}", "alt": "What I really want is to hang out where I hung out with my friends in college, but have all my older relatives there too.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/walmart.png", "title": "Walmart", "day": "22" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1321, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cold", "transcript": "[[Two figures in winter hats, one hat white and the other hat black, are walking.]]\nWhite Hat: It is brutal out. So much for global warming, huh?\n\u003c\u003cBlack Hat sighs\u003e\u003e\nBlack Hat: This used to happen all the time.\nWhite Hat: What?\n\n[[A picture of an x-y plot, with years from 1970 to 2014 along the x-axis and dots rising up for each year, mostly concentrated from 1970 to 1999. The plot is labeled \"Days with lows \u003c 0°F\".]]\nBlack Hat: You\u0027re from St. Louis, right? On average, it used to get below 0°F there a handful of days per year. But you haven\u0027t had a day like that since the nineties.\n\n[[The two figures continue walking.]]\nBlack Hat: Then, in 2014, when the first polar vortex hit, it dipped below zero for two days. And everyone freaked out because what used to be normal now feels too cold.\nWhite Hat: It is too cold!\n\n[[Panel labeled \"The future:\" contains a generic figure, looking at a frozen puddle on the ground.]]\nFigure: Look at this - ice! In St. Louis! So much for global warming.\n\u003c\u003coff-panel sigh\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: \u0027You see the same pattern all over. Take Detroit--\u0027 \u0027Hold on. Why do you know all these statistics offhand?\u0027 \u0027Oh, um, no idea. I definitely spend my evenings hanging out with friends, and not curating a REALLY NEAT database of temperature statistics. Because, pshh, who would want to do that, right? Also, snowfall records.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027You see the same pattern all over. Take Detroit--\u0027 \u0027Hold on. Why do you know all these statistics offhand?\u0027 \u0027Oh, um, no idea. I definitely spend my evenings hanging out with friends, and not curating a REALLY NEAT database of temperature statistics. Because, pshh, who would want to do that, right? Also, snowfall records.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cold.png", "title": "Cold", "day": "24" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1322, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Winter", "transcript": "[[Two figures, one in a winter hat and the other in a beret, are walking through snow and across a patch of ice.]]\nBeret Figure: The sky is cold and the floor water is too hard to drink.\n\n[[The figure with the beret looks upwards.]]\nBeret Figure: But I have my handcoats and the spacelight is warm.\n\n[[The two figures continue on through woods; there are musical notes coming from the trees.]]\nBeret Figure: Listen - the flappy planes are beeping in the stick towers.\n\n[[The figure with the winter hat pauses.]]\nHat Figure: Those are all the wrong words for those things.\n((Beret Figure replies from off panel.))\nBeret Figure: Maybe - but the things themselves are all right. So who cares?\n\n[[The figure with the winter hat continues walking, with sunlight and musical notes above.]]\n\n{{Title text: Stay warm, little flappers, and find lots of plant eggs!}}", "alt": "Stay warm, little flappers, and find lots of plant eggs!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/winter.png", "title": "Winter", "day": "27" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1323, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Protocol", "transcript": "[[A standing figure is conversing with another figure who is sitting on computer desk chair. Behind the sitting figure is a desk with a flat-panel monitor.]]\nStanding figure: Alice sends a message to Bob saying to meet her somewhere.\nSitting figure: Uh huh.\nStanding figure: But Eve sees it, too, and goes to the place.\nSitting figure: With you so far.\nStanding figure: Bob is delayed, and Alice and Eve meet.\nSitting figure: Yeah?\n\nI\u0027ve discovered a way to get computer scientists to listen to any boring story.\n\n{{Title text: Changing the names would be easier, but if you\u0027re not comfortable lying, try only making friends with people named Alice, Bob, Carol, etc.}}", "alt": "Changing the names would be easier, but if you\u0027re not comfortable lying, try only making friends with people named Alice, Bob, Carol, etc.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/protocol.png", "title": "Protocol", "day": "29" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1324, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Weather", "transcript": "[[Shorthair and Cueball are talking.]]\nShorthair: So, how \u0027bout this weather?\nCueball: I know, right? The whole jet stream layer is nuts!\nShorthair: Um, sure...\nCueball: The 18z GFS forecasts 960MB by Tuesday, Think it\u0027ll verify?\nShorthair: What?\nCueball: ...right. Sorry. Uh, yeah. Weather sure has been crazy.\n\nWeather geeks have it tough.\n\n{{Title text: At least if you\u0027re really into, like, Turkish archaeology, store clerks aren\u0027t like \u0027hey, how \u0027bout those Derinkuyu underground cities!\u0027 when they\u0027re trying to be polite.}}", "alt": "At least if you\u0027re really into, like, Turkish archaeology, store clerks aren\u0027t like \u0027hey, how \u0027bout those Derinkuyu underground cities!\u0027 when they\u0027re trying to be polite.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/weather.png", "title": "Weather", "day": "31" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1325, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rejection", "transcript": "[[Two people are walking.]]\nPerson #1: Women \nsay\n they want nice guys, but what they \nreally\n want are--\nPerson #2: --guys who respond to rejection by belittling their judgment and self-awareness? If so, don\u0027t worry -- you\u0027ll be \nfine\n.\n\n{{Title text: Perhaps you need a crash course in taking hints. Here\u0027s your first lesson: We\u0027re not actually walking somewhere together; I\u0027m trying to leave this conversation and you\u0027re following me.}}", "alt": "Perhaps you need a crash course in taking hints. Here\u0027s your first lesson: We\u0027re not actually walking somewhere together; I\u0027m trying to leave this conversation and you\u0027re following me.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rejection.png", "title": "Rejection", "day": "3" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1326, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sharks", "transcript": "[[The character is sitting on a throne, talking to a minion who\u0027s not shown in the panel.]]\nMinion: The prisoner escaped and is swimming toward the mainland!\nLeader: \nRelease the sharks.\n\nMinion: Yes, sir.\n\nMinion: The sharks are swimming away.\nLeader: They\u0027re escaping, too? Send sharks after them!\n\nMinion: Now \nthose\n sharks are swimming away.\nLeader: \nMore sharks.\n\nMinion: ... sir, what\u0027s going on?\nLeader: Prisoners, of course! Can\u0027t let \u0027em escape!\n\nMinion: Sir, are you trying to turn Doom Island into a marine biology center?\nLeader: \nShark populations are in decline--\n\nLeader: *ahem*\nLeader: I mean, the world must fear us!\nMinion: Right...\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Now, minions, I\u0027m off to inspect our shark cages.\u0027 \u0027Do you really need to inspect them this often?\u0027 \u0027PRISONERS MUST NEVER ESCAPE.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Now, minions, I\u0027m off to inspect our shark cages.\u0027 \u0027Do you really need to inspect them this often?\u0027 \u0027PRISONERS MUST NEVER ESCAPE.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sharks.png", "title": "Sharks", "day": "5" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1327, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mobile Marketing", "transcript": "[[Black Hat sits at a desk. A voice speaks from off panel, in front of Black Hat.]]\nOff Panel Voice: CNN hired you to improve viewership.\n\n[[Black Hat continues sitting at the desk.]]\nBlack Hat Guy: ...yes, and?\n\n[[Next panel, conversation continues.]]\nOff Panel Voice: You texted \"holy crap, turn on the news\" to a million random phone numbers?\nBlack Hat Guy: It sure did work.\nOff Panel Voice: Not what we meant!\n\n{{Title text: We\u0027re firing you, but the online headline-writing division wants to hire you.}}", "alt": "We\u0027re firing you, but the online headline-writing division wants to hire you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mobile_marketing.png", "title": "Mobile Marketing", "day": "7" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1328, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Update", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a desk. A message is being displayed on the figure\u0027s laptop screen. It reads \"Urgent: critical update available!\"]]\n\n[[The message continues. \"Details: Fixes an issue that was causing random laptop electrical fires.\"]]\n\n(This update will require restarting your computer.)\n\n[[The figure clicks on \"Remind me later.\"]]\n\n{{Title text: I have a bunch of things open right now.}}", "alt": "I have a bunch of things open right now.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/update.png", "title": "Update", "day": "10" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1329, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Standing", "transcript": "[[One figure stands at the left side of the frame, watching a second figure chase a deer that has a laptop strapped to its back.]]\nSecond Figure: Humans aren\u0027t built to sit all day. This is much healthier.\n\nMy hobby: one-upping the standing desk people.\n\n{{Title text: At first I was making fun of them, but joke\u0027s on me--the \ndeer is surprisingly ergonomic, except for the kicks.}}", "alt": "At first I was making fun of them, but joke\u0027s on me--the deer is surprisingly ergonomic, except for the kicks.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/standing.png", "title": "Standing", "day": "12" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1330, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kola Borehole", "transcript": "[[A woman and black hat guy sit at desks, their backs to each other, each using a laptop.]]\nWoman: Ever hear of the Kola borehole? \nBlack hat guy: No - what\u0027s that? \nWoman: A Soviet project to drill deap into the earth\u0027s crust. \n\n[[The woman turns around; we see her head and shoulders.]]\nWoman: There\u0027s a hoax report claiming that their drill broke through into a superhot cavern, and when they lowered a microphone into the hole, they heard tormented screaming. People say that\u0027s why the miners sealed the well and abandoned the project.\n\n[[The woman turns back to her laptop.]]\nBlack hat guy: Why would anyone believe that story? \nWoman: I guess some people think Hell is literally an underground place. \n\n[[Black hat guy turns around and addresses the woman.]]\nBlack hat guy: No - I mean, why would the miners seal the opening? Why not just dig a canal connecting it to the ocean? Unless they like Hell.\n\n[[The woman turns back around.]]\nWoman: ... If there\u0027s ever a war between earth and Hell, I hope I\u0027m on your side. \nBlack hat guy: You seem nice; you probably won\u0027t be. \n\n{{Title text: Tonight\u0027s top story: Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, died in his home this morning at the age of [unintelligible rune]. Due to the large number of sharks inhabiting his former kingdom, no body could be recovered.}}", "alt": "Tonight\u0027s top story: Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, died in his home this morning at the age of [unintelligible rune]. Due to the large number of sharks inhabiting his former kingdom, no body could be recovered.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kola_borehole.png", "title": "Kola Borehole", "day": "14" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1331, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Frequency", "transcript": "[[A grid of individual text items, five columns wide by ten rows tall. Each describes a particular event, and periodically individual items flash to full opacity before gradually fading again, indicating the average frequency of each occurring.]]\n\n((First row: heartbeat, one birth, one death, someone edits Wikipedia, someone buys a vibrator.))\n((Second row: China builds a car, Japan builds a car, Germany builds a car, the US builds a car, someone else builds a car.))\n((Third row: a European Union resident has their first kiss, a US fire department puts out a fire, someone hits a hole-in-one, my turn signal blinks, the turn signal of the car in front of me blinks.))\n((Fourth row: earthquake (magnitude 1), earthquake (magnitude 2), earthquake (magnitude 3), earthquake (magnitude 4), member of the UK parliament flushes a toilet.))\n((Fifth row: an airline flight takes off, someone buys To Kill a Mockingbird, someone\u0027s pet cat kills a mockingbird, someone in Phoenix buys new shoes, someone in Phoenix puts on a condom.))\n((Sixth row: someone locks their keys in their car, a Sagittarius named Amelia drinks a soda, a dog bites someone in the US, someone steals a bicycle, a bald eagle catches a fish.))\n((Seventh row: 50000 plastic bottles are produced, 50000 plastic bottles are recycled, a bright meteor is visible somewhere, old faithful erupts, a fishing boat catches a shark.))\n((Eighth row: someone in the US is diagnosed with cancer, someone in the US dies from cancer, someone adopts a dog from a shelter, someone adopts a cat from a shelter, someone gets married.))\n((Ninth row: someone registers a domain, someone in the US buys a house, someone in the US gets a tattoo, the star PSR J1748-2446AD rotates 1000 times, someone lies about their age to sign up for Facebook.))\n((Tenth row: someone breaks an iPhone screen, a little league player strikes out, someone has sex in North Dakota, Justin Bieber gains a follower on Twitter, someone in Denver orders a pizza.))\n\n{{Title text: This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.}}", "alt": "This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency.png", "title": "Frequency", "extra_parts": { "headerextra": "", "inset": "\n\u003ctable\u003e\n\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/heartbeat.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/birth.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/death.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/wikipedia.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/vibrator.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/car_china.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/car_japan.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/car_germany.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/car_us.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/car_elsewhere.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/kiss.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/fire_dept.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/holeinone.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/turnsignal1.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/turnsignal2.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/earthquake1.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/earthquake2.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/earthquake3.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/earthquake4.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/parliament_toilet.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/flight.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/book_mockingbird.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/cat_mockingbird.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/phoenixshoes.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/phoenix.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/keys.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/amelia.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/dogbite.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/bike.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/eagle.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/bottles.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/recycled.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/meteor.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/oldfaithful.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/shark.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/us_cancer.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/us_cancer_death.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/dog.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/cat.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/wedding.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/domain.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/house.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/tattoo.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/pulsar.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/facebook.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\u003ctr\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/iphone.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/littleleague.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/ndsex.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/bieber.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003ctd\u003e\u003cimg src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frequency/denverpizza.gif\" alt=\"Frequency\" title=\"This comic shows estimated average frequency. I wanted to include the pitch drop experiment, but it turns out the gif format has some issues with decade-long loops.\" /\u003e\u003c/td\u003e\n\u003c/tr\u003e\n\u003c/table\u003e\n" }, "day": "17" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1332, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Slippery Slope", "transcript": "[[A figure in a white hat stands talking to another.]]\nWhite hat guy: Yeah, but if I\u0027m considerate toward one person about one thing, what\u0027s next? Being nice to other people about other things? Where does it end? \n\n{{Title text: Sure, taking a few seconds to be respectful toward someone about something they care about doesn\u0027t sound hard. But if you talk to hundreds of people every day and they all start expecting that same consideration, it could potentially add up to MINUTES wasted. And for WHAT?}}", "alt": "Sure, taking a few seconds to be respectful toward someone about something they care about doesn\u0027t sound hard. But if you talk to hundreds of people every day and they all start expecting that same consideration, it could potentially add up to MINUTES wasted. And for WHAT?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/slippery_slope.png", "title": "Slippery Slope", "day": "19" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1333, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "First Date", "transcript": "[[A man and a woman sit at an intimate dinner table. They have plates and glasses of wine in front of them.]]\nMan: So, did you grow up around here? \nWoman: I love you.\nMan: ... huh? \nWoman: Waiter! One of everything on the menu. \n\n[[The woman stands up. She\u0027s holding the plate.]]\nMan: Why are you up there? \nWoman: I\u0027m stuck. This plate looks delicious. Aaaoogaoag.\n\n[[The woman has put the plate down and walked off-panel.]]\nWoman: Bye. OK. Coming back now. \n\n[[The woman is crouched on her chair, holding a spiral.]]\nMan: You\u0027re being controlled by Twitch, aren\u0027t you? \nWoman: Check out this cool spiral! \nMan: It\u0027s-\nWoman: SAVING.\n\n{{Title text: I sympathize with the TPP protagonist because I, too, have progressed through a surprising number of stages of life despite spending entire days stuck against simple obstacles.}}", "alt": "I sympathize with the TPP protagonist because I, too, have progressed through a surprising number of stages of life despite spending entire days stuck against simple obstacles.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/first_date.png", "title": "First Date", "day": "21" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1334, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Second", "transcript": "[[A figure stands in a desert, looking at a rock in front of it.]]\nRock: Greetings, stranger. Whatever quest drives you, abandon it. You shall find no answers in these desolate wastes.\nFigure: I knew I wouldn\u0027t. I guess I... just had to see.\n\nI hate feeling desperate enough to visit the second page of Google results.\n\n{{Title text: Let me just scroll down and check behind that rock. Annnnd ... nope, page copyright year starts with \u002719\u0027. Oh God, is this a WEBRING?}}", "alt": "Let me just scroll down and check behind that rock. Annnnd ... nope, page copyright year starts with \u002719\u0027. Oh God, is this a WEBRING?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/second.png", "title": "Second", "day": "24" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1335, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Now", "transcript": "[[A circle consisting of many rings with a projection of the surface of the earth in the center. The outermost ring is split into a yellow semi-circle labeled at the top with \"noon\" and a gray semi-circle labeled at the bottom with \"midnight,\" with \"6 AM\" on the left and \"6 PM\" on the right. A second ring immediately inside the outer ring has two sections labeled, one \"Rude to call\" and the other \"Business hours (9-5)\" - the rest of that ring is blank. Various other rings contain labels for various places on and portions of the Earth, for instance continents and city names.]]\n\n((Everything except the outer two rings in the image rotate such that the time markers on the outside correspond to the approximate times in the locations of the world aligned with them.))\n\n{{Title text: This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com\nnow}}", "alt": "This image stays roughly in sync with the day (assuming the Earth continues spinning). Shortcut: xkcd.com/now", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/now.png", "title": "Now", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "", "inset": "", "post": "\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\"\u003e\nsetInterval(function(){document.getElementById(\u0027comic_now\u0027).src=\"//c.xkcd.com/redirect/comic/now\";}, 30000);\n\u003c/script\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "id=\"comic_now\"" }, "day": "26" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1336, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Transformers", "transcript": "[[Two \"Transformer\"-esque robots are visible.]]\nFirst Robot: Transform!\n\n[[Both robots run to the right.]]\n\n[[Each robot reaches a tree and begins to climb it.]]\n\n[[The camera focuses on the nearer of the two robots, which is placing itself into a chrysalis hanging from the tree branch.]]\n\n{{Title text: A helicopter bursts from a chrysalis and alights on a rock, rotors still damp.}}", "alt": "A helicopter bursts from a chrysalis and alights on a rock, rotors still damp.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/transformers.png", "title": "Transformers", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1337, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hack", "transcript": "[[A white-on-black drawing of the ISEE-3\nICE probe.]]\nThe ISEE-3\nICE probe was launched in 1978. Its mission ended in 1997 and it was sent a shutdown signal.\n\n[[Back to black-on-white text.]]\nIn 2008, we learned--to our surprise--that the probe didn\u0027t shut down. It\u0027s still running and it has plenty of fuel. ...and in 2014, its orbit brings it near Earth.\n\n[[Two figures talking.]]\nFigure 1: We could sent it on a new mission... except we no longer have the equipment to send commands to it.\nFigure 2: Can\u0027t we-\n\n[[Camera frame closes in slightly on the first figure.]]\nFigure 1: NASA won\u0027t rebuild it. \"Too expensive.\"\nFigure 2: Seriously?\nFigure 2: I know, right? So the internet found the specs and we went to work.\n\n[[Camera zooms out as the two figures walk through an area with two other figures seated at desks working on laptops; one of the seated figures is wearing a headset.]]\nFigure 1: We\u0027ve convinced them to give us time on the Madrid DSN transmitter and hacked the maser to support the uplink. And today\u0027s the big day.\n\n[[Camera focuses on the figure with the headset.]]\nHeadset Operator 1: Transmitting... We have a signal! We have control!\n\n[[Camera flips back to the first figure.]]\nFigure 1: Okay, transmit the new comet rendezvous maneuver sequen-\nOff screen: What the hell?\n\n[[Camera zooms back out to show all four figures.]]\nHeadset Operator 1: My console went dead!\nOperator 2: Mine too!\nFigure 1: What\u0027s happening?\n\n[[Camera back to figure with headset, staring at screen.]]\nHeadset Operator 1: There\u0027s a new signal going out over the transmitter!\nFigure 1 (from offscreen): A bug?\nHeadset Operator 1: Someone else is in the system!\n\n[[Camera switches to the second operator.]]\nOperator 2: Kill the connection!\nHeadset Operator 1 (from offscreen): I can\u0027t find it!\nOperator 2: They\u0027re firing the probe\u0027s engines!\nHeadset Operator 1 (from offscreen): No!!\n\n[[Camera switches back to the headset operator.]]\nFigure 1 (from offscreen): Who\u0027s doing this?? Stop them!\nOperator 2 (from offscreen): I\u0027m trying!\nHeadset Operator 1: Look! My screen!\n\n[[The camera zooms back to show all of them, and a message is being shown on the headset operator\u0027s screen, in red.]]\nM-E-S-S-W-I-T-H-T-H-E-B-E-S-T\nD-I-E-L-I-K-E-T-H-E-R-E-S-T\n\n[[Camera cuts to a pool with two figures in it.]]\n\n[[Camera zooms out to show that the pool is on the roof of a downtown building. We see the figures\u0027 speech coming from it.]]\nBurn: Crash?\nCrash: Yeah, Burn?\n\n[[Same skyline view.]]\nBurn: Make a wish.\n\n[[A meteor passes through the sky above the city skyline.]]\n\n{{Title text: HACK THE STARS}}", "alt": "HACK THE STARS", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hack.png", "title": "Hack", "day": "3" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1338, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Land Mammals", "transcript": "Earth\u0027s LAND MAMMALS By Weight\n[[A graph in which one square equals 1,000,000 tons. Dark grey squares represent humans, light gray represent our pets and livestock, and green squares represent wild animals. The squares are arranged in a roughly round shape, with clusters for each type of animal. \nAnimals represented: Humans, cattle, pigs, goats (39 squares), sheep, horses (29 squares), elephants (1 square). There are other small, unlabeled clusters also. It is clear that humans and our pets \u0026 livestock outweigh wild animals by at least a factor of 10. ]]\n{{Title text: Bacteria still outweigh us thousands to one--and that\u0027s not even counting the several pounds of them in your body.}}", "alt": "Bacteria still outweigh us thousands to one--and that\u0027s not even counting the several pounds of them in your body.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/land_mammals.png", "title": "Land Mammals", "day": "5" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1339, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "When You Assume", "transcript": "[[Two characters are talking. One has visible hair, the other does not.]]\nHair: You \nassumed?\n\nHair: You know what happens when you assume--\nNone: I don\u0027t. Yet you\u0027re confidently asserting that I do.\nHair: ...Oh. Hm.\nNone: Check and mate.\n\n{{Title text: You know what happens when you assert--you make an ass out of the emergency response team.}}", "alt": "You know what happens when you assert--you make an ass out of the emergency response team.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/when_you_assume.png", "title": "When You Assume", "day": "7" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1340, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Unique Date", "transcript": "[[One figure is excitedly speaking to two others.]]\nExcited Figure: Whoa, it\u0027s 2014-03-10! Under our system, that date will *never happen again!!*\n\nMy hobby: pointing this out every day.\n\n{{Title text: If our current civilization lasts another 8,000 years, it\u0027s probably fair to assume the Long Now Foundation got things right, and at some point we started listening to them and switched to five-digit years.}}", "alt": "If our current civilization lasts another 8,000 years, it\u0027s probably fair to assume the Long Now Foundation got things right, and at some point we started listening to them and switched to five-digit years.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unique_date.png", "title": "Unique Date", "day": "10" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1341, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Types of Editors", "transcript": "WYSIWYG\nWhat you see is what you get\n[[Two boxes, the first labeled \"What you see:\" contains an italic \"Hi\", the second labeled \"What you get:\" contains an italic \"Hi\".]]\n\nWYSINWYG\nWhat you see is not what you get\n[[Two boxes, the first labeled \"What you see:\" contains \"\u003cem\u003eHi\u003c\nem\u003e\", the second labeled \"What you get:\" contains an italic \"Hi\".]]\n\nWYSITUTWYG\nWhat you see is totally unrelated to what you get\n[[Two boxes, the first labeled \"What you see:\" contains \"\u003cem\u003eHi\u003c\nem\u003e\", the second labeled \"What you get:\" contains \"The HORSE is a noble animal.\"]]\n\nWYSIHYD\nWhat you see is how you die\n[[Two boxes, the first labeled \"What you see:\" contains \"EATEN BY WOLVES\" as white text on a black background, the second labeled \"What you get:\" without a border is says \"eaten by wolves\".]]\n\n\n{{Title text: m-x machineofdeath-mode}}", "alt": "m-x machineofdeath-mode", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/types_of_editors.png", "title": "Types of Editors", "day": "12" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1342, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ancient Stars", "transcript": "((All of the panels of this comic are white-on-black.))\n\n[[Two figures stand facing each other, looking up at the sky.]]\nFigure One: Just think - the light from that start was emitted thousands of years ago. It could be long gone.\n\n[[Figure One looks at Figure Two, who is still looking up.]]\nFigure Two: That\u0027s Sirius. It\u0027s eight light-years away.\n\n[[Figure One looks up again.]]\nFigure One: Oh.\n\n[[The two figures look at one another.]]\nFigure One: Just think - the light from that star was emitted in the previous presidential administration.\nFigure Two: Hmm, doesn\u0027t pack quite the punch.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027The light from those millions of stars you see is probably many thousands of years old\u0027 is a rare example of laypeople substantially OVERestimating astronomical numbers.}}", "alt": "\u0027The light from those millions of stars you see is probably many thousands of years old\u0027 is a rare example of laypeople substantially OVERestimating astronomical numbers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ancient_stars.png", "title": "Ancient Stars", "day": "14" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1343, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Manuals", "transcript": "[[A horizontal line has four points labeled on it, with the second point from the left marked with a dashed vertical line dividing the horizontal line into two parts. An arrow labeled \"Solve problems\" points left from the vertical line. An arrow labeled \"Create problems\" points right from the vertical line. The points are labeled, from left to right, \"Tools that don\u0027t need a manual\", \"Tools that need a manual\", \"Tools that need a manual but don\u0027t have one\", and \"Tools whose manual starts with \u0027how to read this manual\u0027\".]]\n\n{{Title text: The most ridiculous offender of all is the sudoers man page, which for 15 years has started with a \u0027quick guide\u0027 to EBNF, a system for defining the grammar of a language. \u0027Don\u0027t despair\u0027, it says, \u0027the definitions below are annotated.\u0027}}", "alt": "The most ridiculous offender of all is the sudoers man page, which for 15 years has started with a \u0027quick guide\u0027 to EBNF, a system for defining the grammar of a language. \u0027Don\u0027t despair\u0027, it says, \u0027the definitions below are annotated.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/manuals.png", "title": "Manuals", "day": "17" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1344, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Digits", "transcript": "[[A first figure is walking past a second.]]\nFirst Figure: The talk is in room 8224.\nSecond Figure: Ooh, nice.\nFirst Figure: What?\nSecond Figure: ...sorry. Nothing.\n\nGreat, now I\u0027ll spend the rest of my life noticing numbers that would make good 2048 combos.\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s taken me 20 years to get over skyline tetris.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s taken me 20 years to get over skyline tetris.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/digits.png", "title": "Digits", "day": "19" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1345, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Answers", "transcript": "[[Two figures are walking and talking to each other.]]\nFigure One: Humans are defined by our curiosity, our hunger for answers.\nFigure Two: We all spend a third of our lives lying down with our eyes closed and *nobody knows why.*\nFigure One: ...touché.\n\n{{Title text: Stanford sleep researcher William Dement said that after 50 years of studying sleep, the only really solid explanation he knows for why we do it is \u0027because we get sleepy\u0027.}}", "alt": "Stanford sleep researcher William Dement said that after 50 years of studying sleep, the only really solid explanation he knows for why we do it is \u0027because we get sleepy\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/answers.png", "title": "Answers", "day": "21" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1346, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Career", "transcript": "[[A figure stands facing a desk, behind which another figure is sitting in a desk chair.]]\nStanding Figure: It would start with five minutes of peeling lint from dryer traps, followed by an hour of pressing a lightsaber handle against things and switching it on. Then I\u0027d retire to a life of luxury.\n\nWhen people ask me to describe my dream job, I\u0027m never sure how realistic to be.\n\n{{Title text: They\u0027d convince me to come out of retirement for one last job: biting into a giant lump of slightly soft wax a couple of times.}}", "alt": "They\u0027d convince me to come out of retirement for one last job: biting into a giant lump of slightly soft wax a couple of times.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/career.png", "title": "Career", "day": "24" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1347, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "t Distribution", "transcript": "[[A physical bell-curve-shaped object labeled \"Student\u0027s t distribution\" is resting on a table. A figure is working with it and a piece of paper.]]\nFigure: hmm\n\n[[The figure looks at the piece of paper.]]\nFigure: ...nope.\n\n[[The figure picks up the object and begins to walk off the panel with it.]]\n\n[[The figure comes back onto the panel, now carrying an object shaped like a much more complex curve, with many symmetric spikes and dips, labeled \"Teacher\u0027s t distribution\".]]\n\n{{Title text: If data fails the Teacher\u0027s t test, you can just force it to take the test again until it passes.}}", "alt": "If data fails the Teacher\u0027s t test, you can just force it to take the test again until it passes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/t_distribution.png", "title": "t Distribution", "day": "26" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1348, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Before the Internet", "transcript": "[[An adult and a child are standing around, looking at cellphones.]]\nChild: Do you remember before the internet?\nAdult: Oh yeah, totally.\n\n[[The two look towards each other, no longer actively looking at their phones.]]\nChild: What was it like?\nAdult: Not having a phone or computer to distract you?\nChild: Yeah.\n\n[[Conversation continues.]]\nAdult: It was SO. BORING. All the time. I just *sat* there. It was the *worst*.\n\n[[Adult goes back to looking at phone.]]\nChild: But wasn\u0027t it, like, more fulfilling? Engaging?\nAdult: Wasn\u0027t worth it.\nChild: I still get bored.\nAdult: Not like we did.\n\n{{Title text: We watched DAYTIME TV. Do you realize how soul-crushing it was? I\u0027d rather eat an iPad than go back to watching daytime TV.}}", "alt": "We watched DAYTIME TV. Do you realize how soul-crushing it was? I\u0027d rather eat an iPad than go back to watching daytime TV.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/before_the_internet.png", "title": "Before the Internet", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1349, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Shouldn\u0027t Be Hard", "transcript": "[[A person is sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop.]]\nPerson: What I\u0027m trying to do is really simple. It shouldn\u0027t be hard.\n\n[[Someone off-screen speaks.]]\nOff-screen: All computers are just carefully organized sand. \nEverything\n is hard until someone makes it easy.\n\n[[The person leans back in their chair.]]\n\n[[The person lifts the laptop off the desk, examining it like a book.]]\nPerson: Maybe I should turn this one \nback\n into sand.\nOff-screen: I\u0027ll find a blowtorch.\n\n{{Title text: (six hours later) ARGH. How are these stupid microchips so durable?! All I want is to undo a massive industrial process with household tools!}}", "alt": "(six hours later) ARGH. How are these stupid microchips so durable?! All I want is to undo a massive industrial process with household tools!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/shouldnt_be_hard.png", "title": "Shouldn\u0027t Be Hard", "day": "31" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1350, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lorenz", "transcript": "((This April Fools\u0027 Day comic has a dynamic panel structure along the lines of a choose-your-own-adventure format - the viewer is presented with up to 4 options for each bit of dialogue, with each choice opening up a new subtree of potential options for the next bit of dialog, and new panel images are chosen semi-randomly based on a graph of potential panel transitions. Readers were also invited to submit dialog options for trees where there were not yet 4 fixed options, thus growing the potential story space. As such there is no fixed transcript for this comic.))\n\n{{Title text: Every choice, no matter how small, begins a new story.}}", "alt": "Every choice, no matter how small, begins a new story.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/shouldnt_be_hard.png", "title": "Lorenz", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "\n\u003clink rel=\"stylesheet\" href=\"/1350/bernardo.css\" type=\"text/css\"\u003e\n", "inset": "\n\u003cscript src=\"/s/b66ed7.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n\u003cscript src=\"/1350/bernardo.min.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\"\u003e\nBernardo.comic({el: $(\u0027#comic\u0027)})\n\u003c/script\u003e", "post": "\n", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "1" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1351, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Metamaterials", "transcript": "[[A pair of violets, colored red.]]\nViolets are red\n\n[[A blue rose.]]\nAnd roses are blue\n\n[[Two people stand on a stage. Between them is a table, on which rests the two flowers under a translucent cover. One is at a podium with a microphone.]]\nPerson 1: When metamaterials\n\n[[The person at the microphone removes the cover to reveal the flowers are the opposite colors.]]\nPerson 1: Alter their hue.\n\n{{Title text: If I developed a hue-shifting metamaterial, I would photobomb people\u0027s Instagram pics with a sheet of material that precisely undid the filter they were using.}}", "alt": "If I developed a hue-shifting metamaterial, I would photobomb people\u0027s Instagram pics with a sheet of material that precisely undid the filter they were using.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/metamaterials.png", "title": "Metamaterials", "day": "4" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1352, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cosmologist on a Tire Swing", "transcript": "[[A child and an adult are walking across a grassy park with puddles strewn across it and trees nearby.]]\nChild: What was before the Big Bang?\nAdult: I think time began with the Big Bang. So it doesn\u0027t make sense to ask what came before it.\nFrom offscreen: Look out!\n\n[[A cosmologist on a tire swing comes swinging by the pair.]]\nCosmologist: Wheeeee hi I\u0027m a cosmologist on a tire swing!\n\n[[The cosmologist swings back the other way.]]\nCosmologist: We don\u0027t know whether time--\n\n[[Another swing the other direction...]]\nCosmologist: --started at the Big Bang.\n\n[[Another swing.]]\nCosmologist: It might have!\n\n[[Another swing.]]\nCosmologist: Or maybe not! We don\u0027t know!\nAdult: Oh. Ok!\n\n[[Another swing.]]\nChild: ...your tire swing looks fun!\nCosmologist: I can\u0027t stop!\n\n[[Continues swinging.]]\nChild: Won\u0027t the swing stop on its own?\nCosmologist: I thought it would but it seems to be accelerating.\nChild: Cosmology sounds pretty confusing.\nCosmologist: Wheeeee!\n\n{{Title text: No matter how fast I swing, I can never travel outside this loop! Maybe space outside it doesn\u0027t exist! But I bet it does. This tire came from somewhere.}}", "alt": "No matter how fast I swing, I can never travel outside this loop! Maybe space outside it doesn\u0027t exist! But I bet it does. This tire came from somewhere.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cosmologist_on_a_tire_swing.png", "title": "Cosmologist on a Tire Swing", "day": "7" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1353, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Heartbleed", "transcript": "[[Two people are walking along, one is looking at her phone.]]\nPerson 1: Heartbleed must be the worst web security lapse ever.\nPerson 2: Worst so far. Give us time.\n\n[[Still walking, first person is now holding her phone at her side.]]\nPerson 1: I mean, this bg isn\u0027t just broken encryption. It lets website visitors make a server dispense random memory contents.\n\n[[They stop walking and face each other.]]\nPerson 1: It\u0027s not just keys. It\u0027s traffic data. Emails. Passwords. Erotic fanfiction.\nPerson 2: Is \neverything\n compromised?\n\n[[They begin walking again.]]\nPerson 1: Well, the attack is limited to data stored in computer memory.\nPerson 2: So paper is safe. And clay tablets.\nPerson 1: Our imaginations, too.\nPerson 2: See, we\u0027ll be fine.\n\n{{Title text: I looked at some of the data dumps from vulnerable sites, and it was ... bad. I saw emails, passwords, password hints. SSL keys and session cookies. Important servers brimming with visitor IPs. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, c-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. I should probably patch OpenSSL.}}", "alt": "I looked at some of the data dumps from vulnerable sites, and it was ... bad. I saw emails, passwords, password hints. SSL keys and session cookies. Important servers brimming with visitor IPs. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion, c-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. I should probably patch OpenSSL.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/heartbleed.png", "title": "Heartbleed", "day": "9" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1354, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Heartbleed Explanation", "transcript": "How the Heartbleed Bug Works:\n\n[[Meg stands by a server. There\u0027s a thought bubble arising from the server showing the data the server is currently processing, including a portion that states \"User Meg wants these six letters: POTATO.\"]]\nMeg: Server, are you still there? If so, reply \"POTATO\" (6 letters).\n\n[[The 6 letters \"POTATO\" are highlighted yellow in the server\u0027s thought bubble, and the server emits \"POTATO\".]]\n\n[[The phrase \"User Meg wants these 4 letters: BIRD.\" is in the server\u0027s thought bubble with other data around it, with \"BIRD\" highlighted. The server is emitting \"BIRD\".]]\nMeg: Hmm...\n\n[[The phrase \"User meg wants these 500 letters: HAT.\" is in the server\u0027s thought bubble, along with other data around it.]]\nMeg: Server, are you still there? IF so, reply \"HAT\" (500 letters).\n\n[[\"HAT\" and many more characters after it in the thought bubble are highlighted, and the server emits a long string of text starting with \"HAT\" but then including much more other unrelated data. Meg is busily writing it down in a notebook.]]\n\n{{Title text: Are you still there, server? It\u0027s me, Margaret.}}", "alt": "Are you still there, server? It\u0027s me, Margaret.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/heartbleed_explanation.png", "title": "Heartbleed Explanation", "day": "11" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1355, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Airplane Message", "transcript": "[[A little propeller plane toting a banner from behind that reads, \u0027Adriamycin, one of our most poten chemotherapy drugs, come from the dirt from an Italian castle.\u0027]]\nMY HOBBY: Breaking into airplane hangars and replacing the ads on their giant banners with cool facts.\n\n{{Title text: PHARAOH IRY-HOR, FROM THE 3100s BC, IS THE FIRST HUMAN WHOSE NAME WE KNOW.}}", "alt": "PHARAOH IRY-HOR, FROM THE 3100s BC, IS THE FIRST HUMAN WHOSE NAME WE KNOW.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/airplane_message.png", "title": "Airplane Message", "day": "14" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1356, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Orbital Mechanics", "transcript": "[A line graph labeled \u0027How Well I Understand Orbital Mechanics:\u0027. The x-axis is labeled \u0027time --\u003e\u0027. The line starts slightly above 0 at the y-axis and increases very little until a point at which it peaks slightly, labeled \u0027took high school physics\u0027. It decreases slightly for a while and then increases significantly over a short period of time, the peak of which is labeled \u0027got physics degree\u0027. It dips shallowly for a while, then starts to increase slightly for a time, labeled \u0027actual job at NASA\u0027. The line starts to slope downward again, and then shoots up very, very high. The beginning of this increase is labeled \u0027started playing Kerbal Space Program\u0027.]]\n\n{{Title text: To be fair, my job at NASA was working on robots and didn\u0027t actually involve any orbital mechanics. The small positive slope over that period is because it turns out that if you hang around at NASA, you get in a lot of conversations about space.}}", "alt": "To be fair, my job at NASA was working on robots and didn\u0027t actually involve any orbital mechanics. The small positive slope over that period is because it turns out that if you hang around at NASA, you get in a lot of conversations about space.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/orbital_mechanics.png", "title": "Orbital Mechanics", "day": "16" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1357, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Free Speech", "transcript": "[[A person speaking to the reader.]]\nPerson: Public Service Announcehment: The *right to free speech* means the government can\u0027t arrest you for what you say.\n\n[[Close-up on person\u0027s face.]]\nPerson: It doesn\u0027t mean that anyone \nelse\n has to listen to your bullshit, - or host you while you share it.\n\n[[Back to full figure.]]\nPerson: The 1st Amendment doesn\u0027t shield you from criticism or consequences.\n\n[[Close-up.]]\nPerson: If you\u0027re yelled at, boycotted, have your show canceled, or get banned from an internet community, your free speech rights aren\u0027t being violated.\n\n[[Person, holding palm upward.]]\nPerson: It\u0027s just that the people listening think you\u0027re an asshole,\n\n[[A door that is ajar.]]\nPerson: And they\u0027re showing you the door.\n\n{{Title text: I can\u0027t remember where I heard this, but someone once said that defending a position by citing free speech is sort of the ultimate concession; you\u0027re saying that the most compelling thing you can say for your position is that it\u0027s not literally illegal to express.}}", "alt": "I can\u0027t remember where I heard this, but someone once said that defending a position by citing free speech is sort of the ultimate concession; you\u0027re saying that the most compelling thing you can say for your position is that it\u0027s not literally illegal to express.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/free_speech.png", "title": "Free Speech", "day": "18" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1358, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "NRO", "transcript": "[[Two people are in a field. One is kneeling on the grass, looking at a laptop on the ground. Another is facing the other direction, holding a book open to the sky.]]\nComputer: [Target located]\nPerson #1: Got him. - Left edge, two inches down.\nThe National Reconnaissance Office has an unusual approach to \nWhere\u0027s Waldo\n.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027DISPATCHING DRONE TO TARGET COORDINATES.\u0027 \u0027Wait, crap, wrong button. Oh jeez.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027DISPATCHING DRONE TO TARGET COORDINATES.\u0027 \u0027Wait, crap, wrong button. Oh jeez.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nro.png", "title": "NRO", "day": "21" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1359, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Phone Alarm", "transcript": "[[A flow chart. First box says, \u0027Alarm goes off\u0027 which leads with a straight arrow to the next box, reading \u0027BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP\u0027. One curved arrow leads from this box back to itself. Another leads in the opposite direction to a box that says, \u0027\"???\"\u0027. From that an arrow leads down to \u0027Answer phone in dream\u0027, which leads to \u0027talk\u0027, which leads to \u0027hang up\u0027, which leads back to \u0027BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP\u0027.]]\nMy problem with phone alarms\n\n{{Title text: Who\u0027s calling me?? WHY IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD CALLING ME!?}}", "alt": "Who\u0027s calling me?? WHY IS THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD CALLING ME!?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/phone_alarm.png", "title": "Phone Alarm", "day": "23" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1360, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Old Files", "transcript": "[[A cutaway view of a \"ground\" which is actually made up of layers labeled with various groups of files as one might see on a random person\u0027s computer fills the frame, such as \"Documents, 47 GB\" and \"High School Zip Disk, 94 MB\". A small crevice leads down through the middle, to a cave-like area where a figure stands looking through the smallest grouping of files. A second figure with long hair stands at ground level, looking down into the crevice.]]\nLong-haired Figure: You okay down there?\nSubterranean Figure: Oh my god. I wrote *poetry*.\n\n{{Title text: Wow, ANIMORPHS-NOVEL.RTF? Just gonna, uh, go through and delete that from all my archives real quick.}}", "alt": "Wow, ANIMORPHS-NOVEL.RTF? Just gonna, uh, go through and delete that from all my archives real quick.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/old_files.png", "title": "Old Files", "day": "25" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1361, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Google Announcement", "transcript": "[Person stands behind a podium labeled Google.]\nPerson: The rumors are true. Google will be shutting down Plus--\nPerson: along with Hangouts, Photos, Voice, Docs, Drive, Maps, Gmail, Chrome, Android, and Search--\nPerson: to focus on our core project:\nPerson: the 8.8.8.8 DNS server.\n\n{{Title text: The less popular 8.8.4.4 is slated for discontinuation.}}", "alt": "The less popular 8.8.4.4 is slated for discontinuation.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/google_announcement.png", "title": "Google Announcement", "day": "28" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1362, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Morse Code", "transcript": "[[Two people are sitting on a stony hill. One is sitting on the ground, the other is lying back and looking at the sky.]]\n\n[[The first person turns to the other and says...]\nPerson 1: When the French navy retired Morse code in 1997, they broadcast a final message: - \n\"Calling all. This is our last cry before our eternal silence.\"\n\n\n[[They sit in silence for a moment.]]\n\n[[The first person puts their hand to their chin.]]\nPerson 1: I wonder if I can find my Livejournal login.\nPerson 2: Hey I \nlike\n Livejournal.\nPerson 1: It\u0027s a nice place to go for some peace and quiet, I suppose.\n\n{{Title text: Oh, because Facebook has worked out SO WELL for everyone.}}", "alt": "Oh, because Facebook has worked out SO WELL for everyone.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/morse_code.png", "title": "Morse Code", "day": "30" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1363, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcd Phone", "transcript": "[[Ad for a phone, with several factoids positioned around a picture of the device]]\n\n((factoids listed here starting clockwise from the top))\n\n-Runs custom blend of Android and iOS\n-Simulates alternative speed of light (default: 100 miles per hour) and adjusts clock as phone accelerates\n-Wireless\n-Accelerometer detects when phone is in freefall and makes it scream\n-When exposed to light, phone says \"hi!\"\n-FlightAware partnership: makes airplane noise when flights pass overhead\n-Realistic case\n-Clear screen\n-Side-facing camera\n\nIntroducing the XKCD Phone -- Your mobile world just went digital® \n\n{{Title text: Presented in partnership with Qualcomm, Craigslist, Whirlpool, Hostess, LifeStyles, and the US Chamber of Commerce. Manufactured on equipment which also processes peanuts. Price includes 2-year Knicks contract. Phone may extinguish nearby birthday candles. If phone ships with Siri, return immediately; do not speak to her and ignore any instructions she gives. Do not remove lead casing. Phone may attract\ntrap insects; this is normal. Volume adjustable (requires root). If you experience sudden tingling, nausea, or vomiting, perform a factory reset immediately. Do not submerge in water; phone will drown. Exterior may be frictionless. Prolonged use can cause mood swings, short-term memory loss, and seizures. Avert eyes while replacing battery. Under certain circumstances, wireless transmitter may control God.}}", "alt": "Presented in partnership with Qualcomm, Craigslist, Whirlpool, Hostess, LifeStyles, and the US Chamber of Commerce. Manufactured on equipment which also processes peanuts. Price includes 2-year Knicks contract. Phone may extinguish nearby birthday candles. If phone ships with Siri, return immediately; do not speak to her and ignore any instructions she gives. Do not remove lead casing. Phone may attract/trap insects; this is normal. Volume adjustable (requires root). If you experience sudden tingling, nausea, or vomiting, perform a factory reset immediately. Do not submerge in water; phone will drown. Exterior may be frictionless. Prolonged use can cause mood swings, short-term memory loss, and seizures. Avert eyes while replacing battery. Under certain circumstances, wireless transmitter may control God.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_phone.png", "title": "xkcd Phone", "day": "2" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1364, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Like I\u0027m Five", "transcript": "[[Two characters are talking.]]\nLeft: What\u0027ve you been up to?\nRight: Doing tons of math for my thesis.\nLeft: Can you explain it like I\u0027m five?\nRight: \"Oh my God, where are your parents?\"\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Am I taking care of you? I have a thesis to write!\u0027 \u0027My parents are at their house; you visited last--\u0027 \u0027No, no, explain like you\u0027re five.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Am I taking care of you? I have a thesis to write!\u0027 \u0027My parents are at their house; you visited last--\u0027 \u0027No, no, explain like you\u0027re five.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/like_im_five.png", "title": "Like I\u0027m Five", "day": "5" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1365, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Inflation", "transcript": "[[Scientists are standing and sitting at a computer.]]\nSitting: Imprinted on the sky\nSitting: Are the gravity waves that were sloshing across the universe.\n[[The sitting character holds hands a short distance apart.]]\nSitting: When it was \nthis big\n.\n\nSitting: So really, we\u0027re using the entire universe\nSitting: As a giant microscope\nSitting: Pointed at itself when it was small.\n\n[[Sitting turns to the computer.]]\nStanding: That\u0027s neat.\nSitting: Yeah. But...\nStanding: But what?\nSitting: Well, look.\n\nStanding: Oh. Hmm.\nSitting: Yeah.\nStanding: What...\nSitting: I don\u0027t know.\n\n[[ The final panel is a picture of the early universe, through a Mollweide projection. The lines typical of a basketball can be seen, as well as the word \u0027Spalding\u0027 ]]\n\n{{Title text: Wait till they notice the faint reflection of Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny in the E-mode.}}", "alt": "Wait till they notice the faint reflection of Michael Jordan and Bugs Bunny in the E-mode.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/inflation.png", "title": "Inflation", "day": "7" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1366, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Train", "transcript": "[[The world is shown, with a train on top. There\u0027s an arrow indicating the direction the world is rotating.]]\nPassenger: ... Almost ...\nA machine that grabs the Earth by metal rails and rotates it until the part you want is near you.\n\n{{Title text: Trains rotate the Earth around various axes while elevators shift its position in space.}}", "alt": "Trains rotate the Earth around various axes while elevators shift its position in space.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/train.png", "title": "Train", "day": "9" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1367, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Installing", "transcript": "[[One character is talking to another.]]\nCharacter: Installing things has gotten so fast and painless.\nCharacter: Why not skip it entirely, and make a phone that has every app \"installed\" already and just downloads and runs them on the fly?\nI felt pretty clever until I realized I\u0027d invented webpages.\n\n{{Title text: But still, my scheme for creating and saving user config files and data locally to preserve them across reinstalls might be useful for--wait, that\u0027s cookies.}}", "alt": "But still, my scheme for creating and saving user config files and data locally to preserve them across reinstalls might be useful for--wait, that\u0027s cookies.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/installing.png", "title": "Installing", "day": "12" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1368, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "One Of The", "transcript": "[[A TV presenter is at a desk in front of a picture of an arch.]]\nPresenter: ... And he went on to design the Gateway Arch, one of the most recognizable arches in St. Louis.\n Pet Peeve: Reporters unnecessarily hedging with \"One of the\"\n\n{{Title text: \u0027The world\u0027s greatest [whatever]\u0027 is subjective, but \u0027One of the world\u0027s greatest [whatever]s\u0027 is clearly objective. Anyway, that\u0027s why I got you this \u0027one of the world\u0027s greatest moms\u0027 mug!}}", "alt": "\u0027The world\u0027s greatest [whatever]\u0027 is subjective, but \u0027One of the world\u0027s greatest [whatever]s\u0027 is clearly objective. Anyway, that\u0027s why I got you this \u0027one of the world\u0027s greatest moms\u0027 mug!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/one_of_the.png", "title": "One Of The", "day": "14" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1369, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "TMI", "transcript": "[[Someone is sitting at a desk with a laptop.]]\nSomeone: Ugh, TMI.\n\n[[From off panel, a voice speaks.]]\nVoice: Oh? What?\n\nSomeone: Just...\nSomeone: Everything.\nVoice: \nTrue.\n\n\n{{Title text: \u0027TMI\u0027 he whispered, gazing into the sea.}}", "alt": "\u0027TMI\u0027 he whispered, gazing into the sea.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tmi.png", "title": "TMI", "day": "16" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1370, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "President", "transcript": "[[A large person is talking to a small person, who is presumably young.]]\nLarge: I can\u0027t imagine anyone who grew up on the Internet being able to run for President.\n\nSmall: Why?\nSmall: Because it\u0027d mark the handover of a world that no longer needs you to a generation you don\u0027t understand?\n\nSmall: ... or because there would be embarrassing pictures of us as teenagers?\n\nLarge: Um.\nLarge: The pictures one?\nSmall: Pictures of teens! How will we even survive?\n\n{{Title text: Anyone who thinks we\u0027re all going to spend the 2032 elections poring over rambling blog posts by teenagers has never tried to read a rambling blog post by a teenager.}}", "alt": "Anyone who thinks we\u0027re all going to spend the 2032 elections poring over rambling blog posts by teenagers has never tried to read a rambling blog post by a teenager.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/president.png", "title": "President", "day": "19" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1371, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brightness", "transcript": "[[The panel is white ink on a black background. A character is staring at the ground.]]\nCharacter: Based on this decrease in the star\u0027s brightness, I believe it is orbited by at least one planet.\nExoplanet astronomers at night\n\n{{Title text: Recently, some exoplanet astronomers have managed to use careful analysis of reflected light to discover Earth during the day.}}", "alt": "Recently, some exoplanet astronomers have managed to use careful analysis of reflected light to discover Earth during the day.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brightness.png", "title": "Brightness", "day": "21" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1372, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Smartwatches", "transcript": "A use for smartwatches:\n\n[[Two smartwatches are shown on the left side of the panel, with an arrow pointing to them saying \"working\"; an iPhone is shown on the right side, with another arrow saying \"dead\".]]\n\n[[A hacksaw cuts the iPhone in half across the shorter axis of the screen.]]\n\n[[The electronics and screens from the two smartwatches are removed from the bands and placed onto the iPhone halves.]]\n\n[[A hinge is installed between the two iPhone halves.]]\n\n[[The hinge is shown closing, folding the iPhone halves together, with the text \"World\u0027s first flip iPhone\".]]\n\n{{Title text: This is even better than my previous smartphone casemod: an old Western Electric Model 2500 desk phone handset complete with a frayed, torn-off cord dangling from it.}}", "alt": "This is even better than my previous smartphone casemod: an old Western Electric Model 2500 desk phone handset complete with a frayed, torn-off cord dangling from it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/smartwatches.png", "title": "Smartwatches", "day": "23" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1373, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Screenshot", "transcript": "When someone posts a screenshot of their phone,\n\n[[Image depicts a phone screenshot as part of a post on a website. In the screenshot, the battery indicator is at 6%. The battery indicator portion of the screenshot is circled in bright red circles, and bright red exclamation marks have been added.]]\n\nI can\u0027t pay attention to the content if their battery is low.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027M PLUGGING IN MY PHONE BUT THE BATTERY ON THE SCREEN ISN\u0027T CHARGING}}", "alt": "I\u0027M PLUGGING IN MY PHONE BUT THE BATTERY ON THE SCREEN ISN\u0027T CHARGING", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/screenshot.png", "title": "Screenshot", "day": "26" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1374, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Urn", "transcript": "[[A lecturer is standing in front of a student at a desk.]]\nLecturer: Imagine that you\u0027re drawing at random from an urn containing fifteen balls--six red and nine black.\nStudent: Ok. I reach in and... \n...My grandfather\u0027s ashes?!? Oh god!\n\nLecturer: I... what?\nStudent: \nWhy would you do this to me?!?\n\n\n{{Title text: Can this PLEASE be drawing with replacement?}}", "alt": "Can this PLEASE be drawing with replacement?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/urn.png", "title": "Urn", "day": "28" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1375, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Astronaut Vandalism", "transcript": "[[A signpost has had a third arrow added at the top, pointing up. The signs read:]]\nSpace 62\nJackson 115\nMemphis 98\n\n{{Title text: That night, retired USAF pilots covertly replaced the \u002762\u0027 with \u002750\u0027.}}", "alt": "That night, retired USAF pilots covertly replaced the \u002762\u0027 with \u002750\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/astronaut_vandalism.png", "title": "Astronaut Vandalism", "day": "30" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1376, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Jump", "transcript": "[[A character is posed in a series of positions across a landscape. The implication is that the character is progressing forward in time towards the right side of the panel.]]\nI love these dreams\n[[The character leaps into the air, the word \u0027jump\u0027 above them.]]\nEach jump is a little longer\n[[They leap down a small incline, traveling a fair distance.]]\nEach push off the ground a little softer\n[[The character leaps a third time.]]\nUntil I\n[[The character does not touch the ground again.]]\n\nG L I D E\n\n\n[[The character continues to hover over the landscape, above scrub grass, a wind barrier, sand dunes, and a beach. Birds can be seen in the distance as the character drifts out to sea.]]\n\n[[The character passes a small fish jumping.]]\nCharacter: ...I \nhope\n this is a dream.\n\n{{Title text: I hope I\u0027m at least following the curve of the Earth around to land ...}}", "alt": "Or that I\u0027m at least following the curve of the Earth around to land ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/jump.png", "title": "Jump", "day": "2" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1377, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fish", "transcript": "[[Two characters are talking.]]\nLeft: The Fermi Paradox keeps getitng worse. If planets are common, where \nis\n everybody?\n\nRight: Imagine you\u0027re a SCUBA diver looking at the ocean floor.\nRight: You know there\u0027s a fish there, but you can\u0027t see it. Why?\n\n[[The panel zooms out, ground dark beneath the characters.]]\nLeft: Maybe the fish looks like sand.\nRight: Yeah ...\n\n[[The panel zooms out further, the entire Earth visible against the blackness of space.]]\nRight: ... And what would that tell you about the ecosystem?\n\n[[The Earth is silent.]]\n\n[[The Earth exits, stage left.]]\n\n[[This panel is completely black.]]\n\n[[A shark enters from stage right.]]\n\n{{Title text: [Astronomer peers into telescope] [Jaws theme begins playing]}}", "alt": "[Astronomer peers into telescope] [Jaws theme begins playing]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fish.png", "title": "Fish", "day": "4" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1378, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Turbine", "transcript": "[[A character is standing near a wind turbine.]]\nCharacter: I\u0027ll hold up a big kite, and you blow air at me until I lift off!\nCharacter: What do you think of that idea?\nTurbine: I\u0027m not a huge fan.\n\n{{Title text: Ok, plan B: Fly a kite into the blades, with a rock in a sling dangling below it, and create the world\u0027s largest trebuchet.}}", "alt": "Ok, plan B: Fly a kite into the blades, with a rock in a sling dangling below it, and create the world\u0027s largest trebuchet.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/turbine.png", "title": "Turbine", "day": "6" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1379, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "4.5 Degrees", "transcript": "Without prompt, aggressive limits on CO2 emissions, the Earth will likely warm by an average of 4°-5°C by the century\u0027s end.\nHow big a change is that?\n[[The panel shows a temperature scale.]]\nIn the coldest part of the last ice age, Earth\u0027s average temperature was 4.5°C below the 20th century norm.\nLet\u0027s call a 4.5°C difference one \"Ice Age unit.\"\n\n((These are along the time line, spaced out for clarity.))\n-2 IAU\n\u003c-- snowball Earth (-4 IAU)\n\n-1 IAU\n20,000 years ago\n((There\u0027s an inset panel, showing a picture of a glacier.))\nMy neighborhood:\nHalf a mile of ice\n\n0\nAverage during modern times\n((Another inset panel.))\n[[A character is in the foreground of a green field with a skyline in the distance.]]\nMy neighborhood:\nCharacter: Hi!\n\n0.20\nWhere we are today\n\n+1 IAU\nWhere we\u0027ll be in 86 years\n((Another inset panel.))\nMy neighborhood:\n?\n\n+2 IAU\nCretaceous hothouse\n+200m sea level rise\nNo glaciers\nPalm trees at the poles\n\n{{Title text: The good news is that according to the latest IPCC report, if we enact aggressive emissions limits now, we could hold the warming to 2°C. That\u0027s only HALF an ice age unit, which is probably no big deal.}}", "alt": "The good news is that according to the latest IPCC report, if we enact aggressive emissions limits now, we could hold the warming to 2°C. That\u0027s only HALF an ice age unit, which is probably no big deal.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/4_5_degrees.png", "title": "4.5 Degrees", "day": "9" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1380, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Manual for Civilization", "transcript": "Brian Eno: Hi. I\u0027m music\u0027s Brian Eno, co-founder of the Long Now Foundation.\n\n[[Brian Eno is on a stage.]]\nBrian Eno: As part of our mission to promote long-term thinking, we\u0027ve asked experts to help us assemble a collection of books from which civilization can be rebuilt if it ever collapses.\n\n[[Brian Eno holds up a list.]]\nBrian Eno: Today, we\u0027re sharing the results--the first ever \nManual for Civilization\n.\n\n[[Brian Eno begins to read, until he is interrupted by a voice from off-panel.]]\nBrian Eno: *Ahem* \nAnimorphs #1: The Invasion\n\nBrian Eno: \nAnimorphs #2: The Visitor\n\nBrian Eno: \nAnimorphs #3: The Encounter\n\nVoice: ... Are they \nall\n Animorphs books?\nBrian Eno: No! There\u0027s also \nMegamorphs\n and \nThe Andalite Chronicles.\n\n\n{{Title text: We will have an entire wing of the library devoted to copies of book #26, because ohmygod it\u0027s the one where Jake and Cassie finally KISS!!!}}", "alt": "We will have an entire wing of the library devoted to copies of book #26, because ohmygod it\u0027s the one where Jake and Cassie finally KISS!!!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/manual_for_civilization.png", "title": "Manual for Civilization", "day": "11" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1381, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Margin", "transcript": "[[The panel shows a mostly-illegible page of a book. In the margin is a note. Unusually for xkcd, this note is written in lower-case.]]\nI have discovered a truly marvelous proof that information is infinitely compressible, but this margin is too small to...\n...oh\nnever mind :(\n\n{{Title text: PROTIP: You can get around the Shannon-Hartley limit by setting your font size to 0.}}", "alt": "PROTIP: You can get around the Shannon-Hartley limit by setting your font size to 0.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/margin.png", "title": "Margin", "day": "13" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1382, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rocket Packs", "transcript": "Rocket packs are easy.\n[[Someone is lying on the ground wearing a rocket pack, with heat waves coming from their lower legs and feet.]]\nSomeone: Ow.\nThe hard part is inventing the calf shields.\n\n{{Title text: Every year: \u0027It\u0027s \u003cyear\u003e--I want my jetpack [and also my free medical care covering all my jetpack-related injuries]!\u0027}}", "alt": "Every year: \u0027It\u0027s \u003cyear\u003e--I want my jetpack [and also my free medical care covering all my jetpack-related injuries]!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rocket_packs.png", "title": "Rocket Packs", "day": "16" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1383, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Magic Words", "transcript": "[[Two characters are in bed.]]\nLinguist: Can you repeat \"Story water paper doorway\" at the start, then switch to \"Disarm Adele\u0027s giraffe grenade\" as we get going, and finally \"Strawberry scorpion poetry\" as I finish?\nLinguist with a foot fetish\n\n{{Title text: \u0027And then whisper \u0027anapest\u0027 in my ear as you hold me?\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027And then whisper \u0027anapest\u0027 in my ear as you hold me?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/magic_words.png", "title": "Magic Words", "day": "18" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1384, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Krypton", "transcript": "[[Stick Man looks into a telescope. Dark Hair stands beside them and looks in the opposite direction.]]\nSM: The distant planet Krypton is becoming unstable!\nOut of Panel: WAAAAAA\nDH: That crying baby is really annoying.\n\n[[They look at each other.]]\n\n[[A small rocket launches.]]\n\n[[The rocket is headed toward Krypton. Kal-El\u0027s star-shaped ship is seen heading in the opposite direction.]]\n\n[[Krypton explodes.]]\n\n{{Title text: Their Sun and gravity will make you, uh, something, I guess. Out of earshot from Earth, mostly.}}", "alt": "Their Sun and gravity will make you, uh, something, I guess. Out of earshot from Earth, mostly.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/krypton.png", "title": "Krypton", "day": "20" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1385, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Throwing Rocks", "transcript": "[[Dark Hair person and White Beret person stand at the edge of a body of water. White Beret person throws a stone into the water.]]\nWB: Every day I make a little leaf boat, then I throw rocks until it sinks or floats away.\n\n[[The stone lands in the water.]]\n\u003c\u003cplonk\u003e\u003e\nIt\u0027s pointless, but at least it\u0027s relaxing.\n\n[[Dark Hair picks up a stone and examines it.]]\nDH: Every day, I read the comments on a news article.\n\n[[They both throw stones into the water.]]\n\n{{Title text: ::PLOOOOSH:: Looks like you won\u0027t be making it to Vinland today, Leaf Erikson.}}", "alt": "::PLOOOOSH:: Looks like you won\u0027t be making it to Vinland today, Leaf Erikson.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/throwing_rocks.png", "title": "Throwing Rocks", "day": "23" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1386, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "People are Stupid", "transcript": "[[White Hat Man talks to Stick Figure Guy.]]\nWH: Well, you know, people are stupid.\nSF: *sigh*\n\n[[The continue to face each other and converse.]]\nSF: No, people aren\u0027t stupid. On average, people are of average intelligence. When you say \"people are stupid,\" you mean stupid compared to \nyour\n expectations.\n\n[[A close-up on Stick Figure.]]\nSF: What you\u0027re really saying is \"other people aren\u0027t as smart as \nme\n. - And maybe you\u0027re right! In which case\n\nI\u0027d like to bestow upon you the First Annual AWARD for EXCELLENCE in BEING VERY SMART.\n[[Stick Figure presents White Hat with a trophy as confetti rains down.]]\nMay you continue to grace our internet with your wisdom.\n\n{{Title text: To everyone who responds to everything by saying they\u0027ve \u0027lost their faith in humanity\u0027: Thanks--I\u0027ll let humanity know. I\u0027m sure they\u0027ll be crushed.}}", "alt": "To everyone who responds to everything by saying they\u0027ve \u0027lost their faith in humanity\u0027: Thanks--I\u0027ll let humanity know. I\u0027m sure they\u0027ll be crushed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/people_are_stupid.png", "title": "People are Stupid", "day": "25" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1387, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Clumsy Foreshadowing", "transcript": "TODAYS NEWS\n[[Little thumbnails accompany each headline.]]\nNorth Korea Threatens U.S. Over Upcoming Movie\nShark Populations Booming Off East Coast\nSpaceX to Attempt New Rocket Launch Today\n\n[[A down arrow leads from the above headlines to this panel. A person walks away toward the edge of the panel, coat over arm. A TV in the background shows a talking head reading the news.]]\nPerson: Bye! See you tonight!\nOut of Panel: Have a good day!\nTV: \nResearchers are reporting record numbers of sharks...\n\nTo make news stories seem way more ominous, imagine you\u0027re hearing them from a background TV in a movie as the main character leaves.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027... hosts were unexpectedly fired from ABC\u0027s \u0027The View\u0027 today. ABC will likely announce new ...\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027... hosts were unexpectedly fired from ABC\u0027s \u0027The View\u0027 today. ABC will likely announce new ...\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/clumsy_foreshadowing.png", "title": "Clumsy Foreshadowing", "day": "27" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1388, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Subduction License", "transcript": "[[White Beret approaches Stick Man, who is at his computer desk.]]\nWB: Sweet! I finally got my subduction license!\nSM: Your what?\n\n[[White Beret leans forward on one foot and balls up his fists with effort.]]\nSM: ...what are you doing?\n\n[[White Beret leans further forward, getting closer to the desk. His feet are now buried and tiny mountains are forming on the floor and under the desk. Stick man tries to keep his computer from toppling over.]]\nSM: STOP IT! STOP IT!\n\n[[White Beret is buried up to his waist now, and the little mountains are a full-on miniature mountain range, knocking over the desk and Stick Man with it.]]\nSM: AUGH!\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Dude, why can\u0027t you just be a normal roommate?\u0027 \u0027Because I\u0027m coming TOWARD you!\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Dude, why can\u0027t you just be a normal roommate?\u0027 \u0027Because I\u0027m coming TOWARD you!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/subduction_license.png", "title": "Subduction License", "day": "30" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1389, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1389/large/", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Surface Area", "transcript": "{{Title text: This isn\u0027t an informational illustration; this is a thing I think we should do. First, we\u0027ll need a gigantic spool of thread. Next, we\u0027ll need some kind of ... hmm, time to head to Seattle.}}\n\nSpace\nWithout the space\nThe solar system\u0027s solid surfaces stitched together\n(excluding dust and small rocks)\n\n((Map showing each solid planet and planetoid surface area to scale))\nIO\nCallisto\nEuropa\nGanymede\nVesta\nCeres\nAsteroids (1km+)\nTethys\nDione\nIapetus\nEnceladus\nAll human skin\nRhea\nTitan\nAsteroids (100m+)\nOberon\nMiranda\nAriel\nTitania\nUmbriel\nMercury\nThe moon\nVarious small moons, comets, etc\nMars\nMakemake\nHaumea\nEris\nCharon\nPluto\nVenus", "alt": "This isn\u0027t an informational illustration; this is a thing I think we should do. First, we\u0027ll need a gigantic spool of thread. Next, we\u0027ll need some kind of ... hmm, time to head to Seattle.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/surface_area.png", "title": "Surface Area", "day": "2" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1390, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Research Ethics", "transcript": "[[A person with dark hair speaks to two people, one with a light-colored ponytail and the other without any hair.]]\nDark hair: Facebook shoudn\u0027t choose what stuff they show us to conduct unethical psychological research. - They should \nonly\n make those decisions based on, uh... - however they were doing it before. - Which was probably ethical, right?\n\n{{Title text: I mean, it\u0027s not like we could just demand to see the code that\u0027s governing our lives. What right do we have to poke around in Facebook\u0027s private affairs like that?}}", "alt": "I mean, it\u0027s not like we could just demand to see the code that\u0027s governing our lives. What right do we have to poke around in Facebook\u0027s private affairs like that?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/research_ethics.png", "title": "Research Ethics", "day": "4" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1391, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Darkness", "transcript": "[[A news anchor with a ponytail sits at a news desk while a correspondent is inset in a black box on the screen next to her.]]\nAnchor: ...getting reports that the darkness has spread as far west as Texas. Let\u0027s go live to our reporter in Houston.\nCorrespondent: It\u0027s been thirty minutes since the sun vanished...\n\"Genie, for my last wish, make everyone in the media forget about the day-night cycle.\"\n\n{{Title text: This was actually wish #406. Wish #2 was for him to lose the ability to remember that each new wish wasn\u0027t my first.}}", "alt": "This was actually wish #406. Wish #2 was for him to lose the ability to remember that each new wish wasn\u0027t my first.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/darkness.png", "title": "Darkness", "day": "7" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1392, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1392/large/", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dominant Players", "transcript": "{{Title text: When Vera Menchik entered a 1929 tournament, a male competitor mocked her by suggesting that a special \u0027Vera Menchik Club\u0027 would be created for any player who lost to her. When the tournament began, he promptly became the first member of said club, and over the years it accumulated a large and illustrious roster.}}\n\nDominant Players over time\n\n[[Graph of Basketball (NBA\nABA) Player Efficiency Rating from 1950 to 2014]]\n\n[[Chess Elo Rating from 1950 to 2014]]\nModern Elo rating system dates back to about 1970.\nComputer analysis (like Kenneth Regan\u0027s) lets us rate historical players,but this has only been done rigorously for a few tournaments. Dashed lines are rough estimates only.\n\n[[Chess Elo rating for women from 1950 to 2014]]\nFor a long time, sexism, a lack of role models, and institutional hostility largely kept women from pursuing serious chess careers.\nWith the expansion of women\u0027s tournaments and prizes starting in the 1970s, this has begun to change.", "alt": "When Vera Menchik entered a 1929 tournament, a male competitor mocked her by suggesting that a special \u0027Vera Menchik Club\u0027 would be created for any player who lost to her. When the tournament began, he promptly became the first member of said club, and over the years it accumulated a large and illustrious roster.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dominant_players.png", "title": "Dominant Players", "day": "9" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1393, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Timeghost", "transcript": "[[A ghost flies over to a couple of people.]]\nGhost: ...ooOOOOOOOOooo... Tiiiime is passiiiing! \nPerson 1: Ugh. Timeghost.\nPerson 2: Huh?\nPerson 1: Here come the factoids.\n\n[[The ghost flies around in little circles as it speaks. Person 1 turns away.]]\nTG: \nForrest Gump\n came out closer to the Vietnam War than to the present daaay.\nP1: Go away!\nTG: The average new grandparents are younger than Keanu Reeeeves!\nP2: That can\u0027t be right...\n\n[[The ghost is out of panel. Person 1 is plugging their ears.]]\nTG: Today\u0027s new parents were ten when Eminem got big - DaAaaAaad MuuUuUuSic - They remember Simpsons Season 5 or 6 at the earliest.\nP1: Argh!\nP2: How long has it been doing this?\n\n[[The ghost floats above them. They look up.]]\nTG: The staaaaart of my haunting is now further away than your deaaaths!\nP1: Will you sto--WHAT!?\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Hello, Ghostbusters?\u0027 \u0027ooOOoooo people born years after that movie came out are having a second chiiiild right now ooOoooOoo\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Hello, Ghostbusters?\u0027 \u0027ooOOoooo people born years after that movie came out are having a second chiiiild right now ooOoooOoo\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/timeghost.png", "title": "Timeghost", "day": "11" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1394, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Superm*n", "transcript": "[[A tall man with black hair and a red cape comes to the aid of a stick man trying to reach something on a high shelf.]]\nSuperm*n: I\u0027ll get it! I\u0027m 5 inches taller and 7% stronger than the average man!\nThe new Supermoon-inspired \nSuperman\n reboot.\n\n{{Title text: See also: Spider-Man reboot in which he can produce several inches of web, doesn\u0027t need as much chalk powder on his hands when he goes rock climbing, and occasionally feels vaguely uneasy about situations.}}", "alt": "See also: Spider-Man reboot in which he can produce several inches of web, doesn\u0027t need as much chalk powder on his hands when he goes rock climbing, and occasionally feels vaguely uneasy about situations.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/superm_n.png", "title": "Superm*n", "day": "14" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1395, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Power Cord", "transcript": "[[A stick figure is sitting on a chair typing on a laptop whose cord is lying on the floor, unplugged. White Beret man approaches.]]\n\u003c\u003ctype type\u003e\u003e\n\n[[White Beret picks up the cord and examines it. The person in the chair continues typing.]]\n\u003c\u003ctype type\u003e\u003e\n\n[[White Beret puts the cord into his mouth and blows, causing the laptop to inflate, which surprises the person typing.]]\n\u003c\u003cPBBBBT\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cFOOMP\u003e\u003e\n\n[[White Beret man walks away as the formerly typing person climbs up the chair to reach his now floating-away laptop.]]\n\n{{Title text: In this situation, gzip \ndev\ninside to deflate, then pipe the compressed air to \ndev\ninput to clean your keyboard. Avert your eyes when you do.}}", "alt": "In this situation, gzip /dev/inside to deflate, then pipe the compressed air to /dev/input to clean your keyboard. Avert your eyes when you do.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/power_cord.png", "title": "Power Cord", "day": "16" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1396, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Actors", "transcript": "Who are today\u0027s 10 HOTTEST ACTORS?\n[[A hairless person with a clipboard stands behind a shaggy-haired person holding a device which is emitting some sort of beam toward something out of panel.]]\nShaggy-hair: 81.5, but I think it got part of his shirt. -- HEY JUSTIN - HOLD STILL!\nWe grab an infrared thermometer and find out!\n\n{{Title text: Once again topping the list of tonight\u0027s hottest rising stars in Hollywood is ξ Persei!}}", "alt": "Once again topping the list of tonight\u0027s hottest rising stars in Hollywood is ξ Persei!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/actors.png", "title": "Actors", "day": "18" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1397, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Luke", "transcript": "[[Darth Vader is speaking to Luke Skywalker while holding what appears to be an unactivated light saber.]]\nDarth Vader: \nI See You Have Constructed A New Light Saber.\n\nLuke: ...yes. That is definitely what I did.\nVader finds Luke\u0027s fleshlight.\n\n{{Title text: Don\u0027t turn it on.}}", "alt": "Don\u0027t turn it on.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/luke.png", "title": "Luke", "day": "21" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1398, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Snake Facts", "transcript": "Snake Facts:\nSnake venom evolved from saliva, which means that it all started with a snake whose mouth was \nsliiightly\n more gross than usual.\n\n[[A snake slithers into frame.]]\nSnake: Hi guys! \nOut-of-panel: Eww, it\u0027s Frank.\n\nThe world\u0027s longest snake is found in Brazil, Peru, and Chile. It is believed to be over 60 years old.\n[[A range map showing South America with a silhouette of a giant snake marking the range.]]\n\n[[A snake skeleton.]]\nIf you lad all the bones in a snake end-to-end, you would have a snake.\n\n{{Title text: Biologically speaking, what we call a \u0027snake\u0027 is actually a human digestive tract which has escaped from its host.}}", "alt": "Biologically speaking, what we call a \u0027snake\u0027 is actually a human digestive tract which has escaped from its host.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snake_facts.png", "title": "Snake Facts", "day": "23" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1399, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Chaos", "transcript": "[[A stick figure is looking at a whiteboard covered in diagrams.]]\nSF: For two decades, I\u0027ve studied phase space, nonlinear equations, and strange attractors.\n\n[[The figure stand in silence, looking at the board.]]\n\n[[They continue to look at the board.]]\nSF: And there is \nnothing\n in here about dinosaurs escaping.\n\n{{Title text: Although the oral exam for the doctorate was just \u0027can you do that weird laugh?\u0027}}", "alt": "Although the oral exam for the doctorate was just \u0027can you do that weird laugh?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chaos.png", "title": "Chaos", "day": "25" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1400, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "D.B. Cooper", "transcript": "[[A stick person stands in front of a board with a bulleted list, using a pointer to indicate. The board reads:]]\nD.B. Cooper\n(\"Dan Cooper\")\nHijacked a plane in the 1970s. On landing, demanded money and parachutes. Jumped from plane mid-flight and was never found.\n-Vanished mysteriously with large amount of money\n-Real age\nname unknown\n-Ambiguous, possibly affected speaking style (\"negotiable American currency\") \n-Fate unknown\n\n[[Again the stick person gestures towards a board behind him which reads:]\nTommy Wiseau\n(\"Johnny\")\nWrote, directed, and starred in \nThe Room\n, a film widely hailed as \"The \nCitizen Kane\n of bad movies\".\n-Appeared mysteriously with large amount of money\n-Colleague says he\u0027s much older than he claims.\n-Ambiguous, possibly affected speaking style (\"You are tearing me apart, Lisa!\")\n-Background unknown\n\n[[An FBI sketch of Cooper appears side-by-side with a flickr photo by Al Pavangkana of Wiseau. The person is standing at the board, responding to someone in the audience, who is out of panel.]]\nAudience member: This is the dumbest theory I\u0027ve ever heard.\nStick figure: But it explains \neverything!!\n\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Why on Earth would someone commit air piracy just to finance a terrible movie decades later?\u0027 \u0027People are very strange these days.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Why on Earth would someone commit air piracy just to finance a terrible movie decades later?\u0027 \u0027People are very strange these days.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/d_b_cooper.png", "title": "D.B. Cooper", "day": "28" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1401, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "New", "transcript": "[[Black hat guy is walking.]]\nBlack hat guy: New headcannon:\n\n[[A figure sits behind a desk with a computer on it.]]\nFigure: Yeah? \n\n[[Black hat guy has raised his hat, revealing a cannon that shoots the seated figure. The desk explodes and the figure is engulfed in smoke.]]\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\nFigure: Augh! \n\n{{Title text: The nice thing about headcannnons is that it\u0027s really easy to get other people to believe in them.}}", "alt": "The nice thing about headcannnons is that it\u0027s really easy to get other people to believe in them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/new.png", "title": "New", "day": "30" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1402, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Harpoons", "transcript": "NUMBER OF HARPOONS IN SPACE\nby year\n[[A line graph with the x-axis numbered from 1950-2020 in ten year increments an the y-axis numbered 0-3. A red line rests at 0 until 1970 at which pints it spikes to 1, which is labeled \u0027Apollo 12 rum incident\u0027. It return to 0 and shoots up to 2 at 2004. This is marked \u0027Rosetta Comet Mission launched carrying lander with harpoon tethers\u0027. The line plateaus at 2 into the future.]]\n\n{{Title text: To motivate it to fire its harpoons hard enough, Rosetta\u0027s Philae lander has been programmed to believe it is trying to kill the comet.}}", "alt": "To motivate it to fire its harpoons hard enough, Rosetta\u0027s Philae lander has been programmed to believe it is trying to kill the comet.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/harpoons.png", "title": "Harpoons", "day": "1" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1403, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Thesis Defense", "transcript": "[[A woman runs towards a desk with two microphones on it, waving a broadsword high in the air. Two figures sitting behind the desk are taken aback, while a woman standing off to the side holds an arm in front of her face protectively. A slide is projected on a screen behind the sword-reading woman, reading \"The evolution of threat defence in mammals\".]]\n\nSword-wielding woman: In conclusion, AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!\nThe best thesis defence is a good thesis offence.\n\n{{Title text: MY RESULTS ARE A SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT ON THE STATE OF THE AAAAAAAAAAAART}}", "alt": "MY RESULTS ARE A SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT ON THE STATE OF THE AAAAAAAAAAAART", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thesis_defense.png", "title": "Thesis Defense", "day": "4" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1404, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Quantum Vacuum Virtual Plasma", "transcript": "[[Two figures are walking along, chatting.]]\nFigure: Hear about that \"impossible\" microwave thruster? \n\n[[The figures stop walking and look at each other.]]\nWoman: Yeah. Let me get this straight - they pumped 20 kilowatts into a box under ambient conditions... and it only twitched a *little*?\nFigure: Yeah. \n\n[[The figures continue walking. We see them in silhouette.]]\nWoman: *That\u0027s* surprising. If you umped 20 kilowatts into *me*, I\u0027d twitch a *lot*. \nFigure: But you\u0027re not pushing on the quantum vacuum.\nWoman: I *might* be. I do a lot of things. \nFigure: I guess we can\u0027t be sure. \n\n{{Title text: I don\u0027t understand the things you do, and you therefore may represent an interaction with the quantum vacuum virtual plasma.}}", "alt": "I don\u0027t understand the things you do, and you therefore may represent an interaction with the quantum vacuum virtual plasma.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/quantum_vacuum_virtual_plasma.png", "title": "Quantum Vacuum Virtual Plasma", "day": "6" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1405, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Meteor", "transcript": "[[Person A approaches Person B with a rock in his hand.]]\nA: Check it out - I got a piece of a meteor!\nB: \nActually\n, it\u0027s only called that while falling. Once it lands, it\u0027s called \nmagma\n. \nMy Hobby: mixing pedantic terms\n{{Title text: No, only LAVA is called \u0027magma\u0027 while underground. Any other object underground is called \u0027lava\u0027.}}", "alt": "No, only LAVA is called \u0027magma\u0027 while underground. Any other object underground is called \u0027lava\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meteor.png", "title": "Meteor", "day": "8" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1406, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Universal Converter Box", "transcript": "{{Title text: Comes with a 50-lb sack of gender changers, and also an add-on device with a voltage selector and a zillion circular center pin DC adapter tips so you can power any of those devices from the 90s.}}\n\n[[Universal converter box with cables leading to various real, fictional, and nonsensical connectors]]\nVGA\nDVI\nHDMI\nThunderbolt\nFirewire\nComponent\nRCA\n1\n8\" audio\n1\n8\" video\nParallel port\nS-Video\nAirline pneumatic tube audio\nPS\n2\n3\n4\n120V AC\n((Removable pointing to grounding pin))\nFloppy\nIDE\n2.5\"\nSCSI\n((Arrows pointing to break points in connector))\nUSB\nUSB (weird other end)\nMini-USB\nMicro USB\nMacro USB\nF Connector\nFiber\nRJ11\nEthernet\nToken ring\nMagsafe\nMagsafe 2\nMagsafe 3\nMagsafe 4\nBluetooth dongle\nSCART\nString (fits most cans)\n((Standard US fueling nozzle with selector for 87, 91, 93 octane and Diesel))", "alt": "Comes with a 50-lb sack of gender changers, and also an add-on device with a voltage selector and a zillion circular center pin DC adapter tips so you can power any of those devices from the 90s.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/universal_converter_box.png", "title": "Universal Converter Box", "day": "11" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1407, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1407/large/", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Worst Hurricane", "transcript": "{{Title text: \u0027Finding a 105-year-old who\u0027s lived in each location and asking them which hurricane they think was the worst\u0027 is left as an exercise for the reader.}}\n\nWhat\u0027s the worst hurricane anyone in your town remembers?\nEstimated from Hurdat database and NCEP rainfall totals 1914-2014\n\n[[Map showing the eastern coastline from Texas through Maine, showing which hurricanes were the worst in any given area.]]", "alt": "\u0027Finding a 105-year-old who\u0027s lived in each location and asking them which hurricane they think was the worst\u0027 is left as an exercise for the reader.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/worst_hurricane.png", "title": "Worst Hurricane", "day": "13" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1408, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "March of the Penguins", "transcript": "[[Black hat guy walks up to a woman seated at a desk with a laptop.]]\nBlack hat guy: All the birds from \"March of the Penguins\" are now dead. \n\n[[We just see the woman at her laptop; black hat guy is off-panel.]]\nWoman: OK, I *get* it. We\u0027re all aging. \nBlack hat guy: What? No.\n\n[[The woman has turned around in her seat to look at black hat guy.]]\nBlack hat guy: I\u0027m not trying to make you feel old. They were alive last night. I\u0027m trying to apologize.\nWoman: Oh God\n\n{{Title text: You ARE getting older, though.}}", "alt": "You ARE getting older, though.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/march_of_the_penguins.png", "title": "March of the Penguins", "day": "15" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1409, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Query", "transcript": "{{Title text: SELECT * FROM GHOSTS}}\n\n[[Woman stumbles upon tablet, picks it up]]\nLoaded table: People\nEnter query\n\n[[More people appear, woman is confused]]\n\n[[Woman types in query]]\nSELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE AGE \u003e 30\n\n[[People 1, 3, 4, 6, and 7 are highlighted]]\n\n[[Woman types in a second query]]\nSELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE ANUAL_INCOME \u003e 100000\n\n[[Person 4 is highlighted]]\n\n[[Woman types in a third query]]\nSELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE AFRAID_OF_FLYING = TRUE\n\n[[People 2, 7, 9 and 10 are highlighted]]\n\n[[Woman types in a fourth query query]]\nSELECT * FROM PEOPLE WHERE HOURS_SINCE_WATCHING_PORN \u003c 12\n\n[[People 5, 7 and 10 are highlighted]]\n\n[[Woman looking at tablet]]\nWoman: Neat.\nWoman: ...\n\n[[Woman types in a final query]]\nDROP TABLE PEOPLE\n\n[[People vanish from scene, dropping what they were holding]]", "alt": "SELECT * FROM GHOSTS", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/query.png", "title": "Query", "day": "18" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1410, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "California", "transcript": "{{Title text: 58% of the state has gone into plaid.}}\n\nI like how long and skinny California is because it means you can use it as a graph axis:\n\nCalifornia Droughts\nBased on map data from US drought monitor\nNOAA\nRichard Tinker\n((Scale: Dry, moderate, severe, extreme, ludicrous (exceptional) going from yellow to orange to red to black))\n((California map data showing drought from Jan 4, 2000 to Aug 14, 2014 with the state squished in between))", "alt": "58% of the state has gone into plaid.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/california.png", "title": "California", "day": "20" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1411, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Loop", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a desk with a monitor and a laptop on it. The figure is holding a tablet and a smartphone.]]\n((The following caption is laid out as a circle))\nStare blankly at screen â open news site â start reading â get bored â absently check smaller device â stare blankly at screen\n\n{{Title text: Ugh, today\u0027s kids are forgetting the old-fashioned art of absentmindedly reading the same half-page of a book over and over and then letting your attention wander and picking up another book.}}", "alt": "Ugh, today\u0027s kids are forgetting the old-fashioned art of absentmindedly reading the same half-page of a book over and over and then letting your attention wander and picking up another book.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/loop.png", "title": "Loop", "day": "22" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1412, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", "transcript": "{{Title text: My upcoming alubm, \u0027Linked List\u0027, has covers of \u0027The Purple People Eater\u0027, the Ninja Turtles theme, \u0027Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini\u0027, and the Power Rangers theme, with every song played to the tune of the next.}}\n\nWikpedia article titles\nwith the right syllable stress pattern to be sung to the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song.\n\n((The following are in the TMNT logo style))\nAce Ventura: Pet Detective\nAsian Human Rights Commission\nSan Diego City Council\nSingle Payer Health Insurance\nSpotted Giant Flying Squirrel\nWoman Science Fiction Authors\n\n((The following are normally written))\nBiggest Loser: Second Chances\nCayman Island blue iguana\nCentral Texas pocket gopher\nChurch of Jesus Christ Creator\nClimat change and meat production\nCrouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon\nDaylight saving time in China\nDenver airport people mover\nEaster Island spiny lobster\n\nEdgar Allan Poe Museum\nEngine failure after take-off\nEnglish as a second language\nFormer Arctic Monkeys members\nFowler\u0027s Modern English Usage\nGeorgia game and fish department\nGolden-mantled howler monkey\nGreater Cleveland film commission\nHairy flower chafer beetle\n\nHarland David \"Colonel\" Sanders\nHuman Tissue Resource Network\nKlondike class destroyer tender\nLegal code of North Dakota\nLesser knapweed flower weevil\nLockheed Martin Atlas Rocket\nMaple syrup urine syndrome\nMighty Morphin\u0027 Power Rangers\nNablus mask-like facial syndrome\n\nNeo-Geo Pocket Color\nNew Year\u0027s Eve with Carson Daily\nNewton\u0027s Second Law of Motion\nNorth Korean Workers Party\nOver\nUnder cable coiling\nPeter peter pumpkin eater\nPlaces named for Adolf Hitler\nProton-proton chain reaction\n\nPuerto Rican lizard-cuckoo\nQuantum vacuum plasma thruster\nRocky Mountain spotted fever\nRoyal flying doctor service\nRussian Women\u0027s Fascist Movement\nSemi-active laser guidance\nSeven brides for seven brothers\nSherlock Holmes: A game of Shadows\nSix Degrees of Kevin Bacon\n\nTrailing suction hopper dredger\nVector graphics markup language\nViti levu giant pigeon\nVoting rights in Puerto Rico\nWilliam Henry, Duke of Gloucester\nWindows Vista startup process\nWoodrow Willson \"Woody\" Guthrie\nYaba monkey tumor virus\nZack and MIri Make a Porno", "alt": "My upcoming album, \u0027Linked List\u0027, has covers of \u0027The Purple People Eater\u0027, the Ninja Turtles theme, \u0027Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini\u0027, and the Power Rangers theme, with every song played to the tune of the next.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/teenage_mutant_ninja_turtles.png", "title": "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", "day": "25" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1413, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Suddenly Popular", "transcript": "{{Title text: Are Your Teens Practicing Amplexus? Learn These Six Telltale Signs!}}\n\nObscure words and phrases\neveryone suddenly becomes familiar with\nPre 1995 - World wide web, DNA evidence\nPost 1995 - Militia movement, supermax\nPost 2000 - Butterfly ballot, al-qaeda, wi-fi\nPost 2005 - Tsunami, viral\nPost 2010 - Radicalize, metadata\nPost 2015 - Lahar, Insect-borne\nPost 2020 - Earth-crossing, thermohaline, snow blindness\nPost 2025 - Amplexus, controlled hydroplaning\nPost 2030 - Paradoxical reaction, drone desertion, rapid hair growth\nPost 2035 - I swear allegiance to the God-Empress in life and in death", "alt": "Are Your Teens Practicing Amplexus? Learn These Six Telltale Signs!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/suddenly_popular.png", "title": "Suddenly Popular", "day": "27" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1414, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Writing Skills", "transcript": "[[White Hat Guy and another guy are walking along. WHG is reading an article.]]\nWHG: Weird - another study found that kids who use SMS abbreviations actually score \nhigher\n on grammar and spelling tests.\nOther guy: Why on \nearth\n is that a surprise?\n\n[[Other guy expounds while an inset panel shows various kids throwing and catching balls while doing such things as walking the dog and eating lunch.]]\nOG: Imagine kids start playing catch literally \nall the time\n. Everywhere they go, they throw balls back and forth, toss them in the air, and hurl them at trees and signs - nearly every waking hour of their lives.\n\n[[WHG starts to walk away.]]\nOG:Do you think their generation will suck at baseball because they learned sloppy skills?\nWHG: ...so you think someone will become a great writer while \nsexting\n?\n\n[[They both walk together.]]\nOG: Have you \nread\n James Joyce\u0027s love letters? The phrases \"my little fuckbird\" and \"arse full of farts\" appear. If we want to write \nUlysses\n, our generation may not be sexting \nenough\n. \nWHG: Eww.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027d like to find a corpus of writing from children in a non-self-selected sample (e.g. handwritten letters to the president from everyone in the same teacher\u0027s 7th grade class every year)--and score the kids today versus the kids 20 years ago on various objective measures of writing quality. I\u0027ve heard the idea that exposure to all this amateur peer practice is hurting us, but I\u0027d bet on the generation that conducts the bulk of their social lives via the written word over the generation that occasionally wrote book reports and letters to grandma once a year, any day.}}", "alt": "I\u0027d like to find a corpus of writing from children in a non-self-selected sample (e.g. handwritten letters to the president from everyone in the same teacher\u0027s 7th grade class every year)--and score the kids today versus the kids 20 years ago on various objective measures of writing quality. I\u0027ve heard the idea that exposure to all this amateur peer practice is hurting us, but I\u0027d bet on the generation that conducts the bulk of their social lives via the written word over the generation that occasionally wrote book reports and letters to grandma once a year, any day.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/writing_skills.png", "title": "Writing Skills", "day": "29" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1415, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ballooning", "transcript": "[[A figure flies through the air from a parachute made from spider silk. There are mountains in the distance.]]\nFigure: Ooh, that looks like a good spot to land, eat some bugs, and make an egg sac! \nâ« Spider-man, spider-man, does whatever a spider can âª\n\n{{Title text: Time to dance in front of Mary Jane! If I\u0027m lucky, she\u0027ll turn out not to practice pre-copulatory sexual cannibalism!}}", "alt": "Time to dance in front of Mary Jane! If I\u0027m lucky, she\u0027ll turn out not to practice pre-copulatory sexual cannibalism!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ballooning.png", "title": "Ballooning", "day": "1" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1416, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pixels", "transcript": "[[A large picture of a person kneeling on the ground, stacking turtles.]]\n((In this strip, when you zoom into the panel, each pixel becomes its own panel. Each of those panels can be scrolled into, for the same effect. The story progresses as you scroll deeper.))\n[[The Earth as seen from space with the words BOOK LAUNCH.]]\n[[A stick-Randall holding a copy of \u0027What If?\u0027 saying, \"So excited about my book launch!\"]]\n[[A copy of the cover of \u0027What If?\u0027 labeled \"book.\"]]\n[[Stick-Randall is assembling parts from a box labeled \u0027rocket parts\u0027 and preparing to \u0027launch\u0027 his book.]]\n[[Various stages of assembly.]]\n[[A second person comes in, looks at SR\u0027s rocket set-up and says, \"Needs more struts.\"]]\n[[SR adds more struts.]]\n[[The rocket launches.]]\n[[A big cloud of smoke, which then dissipates.]]\n[[SR and the other person look skywards at the launched book.]]\n[[The book is shown leaving Earth\u0027s orbit.]]\n[[The other person turns to SR and says, \"I think that was the only one.\"]]\n[[The two walk away.]]\n((The panels after this are a random assortment of these mostly stand-alone panels.))\n[[A momma duck with several ducklings in a row behind her, labeled \u0027Evolution.\u0027]]\n[[The other person floating around in the sky.]]\n[[A stick figure with a sploshing bucket of water saying, \"I\u0027m gonna shut down the server!\"]]\n[[Two people walking along, one saying, \"But if the Time-Turners worked after Book 3, Rowling would have used one to go back and remove the Time Turner from Book 3.\"]]\n[[The code: \n~$ du -s video\n\n4170882256\n~$ du -s video\n\nA lot.\n~$]]\n[[A cloud.]]\n[[A flock of birds.]]\n[[MU]]\n[[A pixel.]]\n[[A person using a computer on the floor.]]\n[[HOLISM]]\n[[Saturn]]\n[[An atom.]]\n[[Two people star-gazing on a hill.]]\n[[Person one says, \"Someone once told me the great kings of the past look down on us...\" Person two says, \"From the stars?\" The first person replies, \"Just in general.\"]]\n[[The start of Mario World 1-1.]]\n\n\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s turtles all the way down.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s turtles all the way down.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pixels.png", "title": "Pixels", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "", "inset": "\n\u003ciframe frameborder=\"0\" scrolling=\"0\" style=\"display: block; margin: 0 auto; border: none; overflow: hidden\" width=\"600\" height=\"600\" src=\"//imgs.xkcd.com/turtledown/frame.html\" id=\"comic-frame\"\u003e\u003c/iframe\u003e\n", "post": "", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "3" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1417, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Seven", "transcript": "[[Two people are having a conversation.]]\nPerson 1: Can you name all the dwarfs from Snow White?\nPerson 2: Sure, there\u0027s, um...\n((A wide thought bubble comes from Person 2, with 7 dwarfs, each labeled:))\nSneezy, Phylum, Europe, Sloth, Guacamole, Data Link, Colossus of Rhodes\n{{Title text: The days of the week are Monday, Arctic, Wellsley, Green, Electra, Synergize, and the Seventh Seal.}}", "alt": "The days of the week are Monday, Arctic, Wellesley, Green, Electra, Synergize, and the Seventh Seal.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/seven.png", "title": "Seven", "day": "5" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1418, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Horse", "transcript": "New Favorite Browser Text Replacement:\nFORCE -\u003e HORSE\n[[Person sitting at desk, looking at computer screen. A series of headlines on the computer read:]]\nUkranian Towns Threatened by Pro-Russian Horses\nGovernor Appoints Task Horse\nIraqi Air Horse Growing\nQuarks, which are bound together by the strong nuclear horse...\n{{Title text: Officer suspended from horse.}}", "alt": "Officer suspended from horse.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/horse.png", "title": "Horse", "day": "8" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1419, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "On the Phone", "transcript": "[[Shaggy-haired person walking across panel. A voice is heard out of panel.]]\nSHP: Why is there a teapot in the bathroom?\nOOP: Sorry. When I\u0027m on the phone I always zone out and pick stuff up and carry it around.\n\n[[SHP at the open fridge door, holding a hammer.]]\nSHP: There\u0027s a hammer in the fridge.\nOOP: Another phone call. I was just fidgeting.\n\n[[SHP walks by four stacks of objects. They consist of books, baseballs, blenders, and other unidentified rectangular objects.]]\nSHP: Did you put all our stuff in weird stacks?\nOOP: Long call. Sorry.\n\n[[SHP goes out to the backyard, looks up at towering monolith.]]\nSHP: ...why is there a giant obelisk in the backyard?\nOOP: Phone again. My bad.\nSHP: It\u0027s carved with prayers to \"Ba\u0027al, the Soul-Eater.\"\nOOP: Haha! I\u0027m so absentminded.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027No idea what I was thinking! Haha! But anyway, maybe we should check out what this Ba\u0027al guy has to say.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027No idea what I was thinking! Haha! But anyway, maybe we should check out what this Ba\u0027al guy has to say.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/on_the_phone.png", "title": "On the Phone", "day": "10" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1420, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Watches", "transcript": "[[A timeline runs across the top with notches at 1990, 2000, 2010, 2020, and 2030. Below it, a shaded box that reads \u0027Regular Watches\u0027 runs from the far left to about 2003. Another shaded box, from about 2015 to the far right, reads \u0027Smart Watches\u0027. An arrow points to the blank space between them.]]\nBrief, glorious period in which our wrists were free\n\n{{Title text: Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they\u0027ve switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don\u0027t appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word \u0027thinkpiece\u0027 sounds like a word made up by someone who didn\u0027t know about the word \u0027brain\u0027.}}", "alt": "Old people used to write obnoxious thinkpieces about how people these days always wear watches and are slaves to the clock, but now they\u0027ve switched to writing thinkpieces about how kids these days don\u0027t appreciate the benefits of an old-fashioned watch. My position is: The word \u0027thinkpiece\u0027 sounds like a word made up by someone who didn\u0027t know about the word \u0027brain\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/watches.png", "title": "Watches", "day": "12" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1421, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Future Self", "transcript": "{{Title text: Maybe I haven\u0027t been to Iceland because I\u0027m busy dealing with YOUR crummy code.}}\n\n[[Man sitting at a computer reading code]]\n# Dear future self,\n# You\u0027re looking at this file because the parse function finally broke.\n# It\u0027s not fixable. You have to rewrite it. Sincerely, past self\n\nMan: Dear past self, it\u0027s kinda creepy how you do that.\n\n# Also, it\u0027s probably at least 2013. Did you ever take that trip to Iceland?\n\nMan: Stop judging me!", "alt": "Maybe I haven\u0027t been to Iceland because I\u0027m busy dealing with YOUR crummy code.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/future_self.png", "title": "Future Self", "day": "15" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1422, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "My Phone is Dying", "transcript": "[[Beret guy walks up to a figure, holding his phone.]]\nBeret guy: My phone\u0027s about to die.\n\n[[They stand and look at each other. Beret Guy\u0027s phone seems a bit bigger.]]\nFigure: Where\u0027d you get a big iPhone? I didn\u0027t think they were out yet. \nBeret guy: It\u0027s my regular one. It\u0027s just dying. \n\n[[His phone is now the size of a tablet.]]\nBeret guy: As it consumes its battery, it heats up and expands. Soon it will swell to enormous size, engulfing us both. \n\n[[His phone is now the size of a badger.]]\nBeret guy: Then it will collapse in a violent explosion! \nFigure: ... Do you want to borrow my charger? \nBeret guy: That would only make it run out faster! \n\n{{Title text: When it explodes, it will cast off its outer layers, leaving behind nothing but a slowly fading PalmPilot, calculator, or two-way pager.}}", "alt": "When it explodes, it will cast off its outer layers, leaving behind nothing but a slowly fading PalmPilot, calculator, or two-way pager.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/my_phone_is_dying.png", "title": "My Phone is Dying", "day": "17" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1423, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Conversation", "transcript": "[[A figure and a woman sit facing each other at a dining table with glasses of wine and a candle on it.]]\nFigure: So, what do you do in your free time? \n\n[[We see the woman in close-up.]]\nWoman: Mostly I sit around worrying someone will ask me that, and try to think of a good answer. \n\n[[We see both at the table again. The woman gets up to go.]]\nFigure: That\u0027s not a bad answer. \nWoman: It\u0027s all I\u0027ve got. Now that it\u0027s done, I should go. Bye!\n\n{{Title text: Later, at home: \u0027Dear diary: Still can\u0027t figure out what to write here ...\u0027}}", "alt": "Later, at home: \u0027Dear diary: Still can\u0027t figure out what to write here ...\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/conversation.png", "title": "Conversation", "day": "19" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1424, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "En Garde", "transcript": "[[Two fencers stand facing each other. The left one has his sword up; the right one keeps his lowered.]]\nLeft fencer: En garde!\nRight fencer: OK. \n\nRight fencer: No matter how long we know each other, when you ask \"What are you thinking,\" I will always pause before answering. \n\nLeft fencer: Maybe a little less guarded?\nRight fencer: No way. I\u0027ve been hurt before. \n\n{{Title text: \u0027Touch!\u0027 \u0027Nope, I sighed and stared at you with resignation, so I regained emotional right-of-way.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Touch!\u0027 \u0027Nope, I sighed and stared at you with resignation, so I regained emotional right-of-way.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/en_garde.png", "title": "En Garde", "day": "22" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1425, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tasks", "transcript": "[[A figure stands behind a woman sitting at a desk with a computer on it.]]\nFigure: When a user takes a photo, the app should check whether they\u0027re in a national park...\nWoman programmer: Sure, easy GIS lookup. Gimme a few hours. \nFigure: ... and check whether the photo is of a bird. \nWoman programmer: I\u0027ll need a research team and five years.\nIn CS, it can be hard to explain the difference between the easy and the virtually impossible.\n\n{{Title text: In the 60s, Marvin Minsky assigned a couple of undergrads to spend the summer programming a computer to use a camera to identify objects in a scene. He figured they\u0027d have the problem solved by the end of the summer. Half a century later, we\u0027re still working on it.}}", "alt": "In the 60s, Marvin Minsky assigned a couple of undergrads to spend the summer programming a computer to use a camera to identify objects in a scene. He figured they\u0027d have the problem solved by the end of the summer. Half a century later, we\u0027re still working on it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tasks.png", "title": "Tasks", "day": "24" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1426, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reduce Your Payments", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a couch. Black hat guy walks up from behind, holding some paper.]]\nBlack hat guy: I discovered this weird trick for reducing your mortgage payments! \nFigure: What?\nBlack hat guy: Sodium borohydride.\nFigure: ... I hate you.\n\n{{Title text: I tried oxidizing them, but your bank uses some really weird paper and it wouldn\u0027t light.}}", "alt": "I tried oxidizing them, but your bank uses some really weird paper and it wouldn\u0027t light.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reduce_your_payments.png", "title": "Reduce Your Payments", "day": "26" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1427, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "iOS Keyboard", "transcript": "{{Title text: More actual results: \u0027Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You [are the best. The best thing ever]\u0027, \u0027Revenge is a dish best served [by a group of people in my room]\u0027, and \u0027They may take our lives, but they\u0027ll never take our [money].\u0027}}\n\nMovie Quotes\n[[Drawing of iOS 8 keyboard with \"elementary, my dear\" on the input line and \"friend,\" \"lord,\" and \"friends\" on the suggestion line]]\nAccording to iOS 8 keyboard prediction\n\n[[Tony Montana from Scarface holding a gun]]\nSay hello to my little ((gray text)) sister and my mom and my dad and my friends\n\n[[Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz]]\nToto, I\u0027ve a feeling we\u0027re not ((gray text)) going to the gym today\n\n[[James Bond and a woman]]\nBond. James Bond ((gray text)) yields\n\n[[Wash from Firefly\nSerenity]]\nI\u0027m a leaf on the wind. Watch ((gray text)) me play the piano\n\n[[Mikey from The Goonies]]\nGoonies never say ((gray text)) anything\n\n[[Gimli from The Lord of The Rings]]\n((off scene)) You have my sword.\n((off scene)) And my bow.\nAnd my ((gray text)) dad", "alt": "More actual results: \u0027Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You [are the best. The best thing ever]\u0027, \u0027Revenge is a dish best served [by a group of people in my room]\u0027, and \u0027They may take our lives, but they\u0027ll never take our [money].\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ios_keyboard.png", "title": "iOS Keyboard", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1428, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Move Fast and Break Things", "transcript": "{{Title text: I was almost fired from a job driving the hearse in funeral processions, but then the funeral home realized how much business I was creating for them.}}\n\n[[Man being interviewed at a desk by a woman]]\nMan: My motto is \"move fast and break things.\"\n\n((below scene))\nJobs I\u0027ve been fired from\n--\nFedex driver\nCrane operator\nSurgeon\nAir traffic controller\nPharmacist\nMuseum curator\nWaiter\nDog walker\nOil tanker captain\nViolinist\nMars rover driver\nMassage therapist", "alt": "I was almost fired from a job driving the hearse in funeral processions, but then the funeral home realized how much business I was creating for them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/move_fast_and_break_things.png", "title": "Move Fast and Break Things", "day": "1" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1429, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Data", "transcript": "{{Title text: If you want to have more fun at the expense of language pedants, try developing an hypercorrection habit.}}\n\n[[Person reading from their phone]]\nPerson: According to this polling data, after Kirk and Picard the most popular Star Trek character are Data.\nPerson off scene: Augh!\n\n((Below scene))\nAnnoy grammar pedants on all sides by making \"data\" singular except when referring to the android.", "alt": "If you want to have more fun at the expense of language pedants, try developing an hypercorrection habit.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/data.png", "title": "Data", "day": "3" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1430, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Proteins", "transcript": "{{Title text: Check it out--when I tug the C-terminal tail, the binding tunnel squeezes!}}\n\n[[Man and woman talking]]\nMan: What do you do?\nWoman: I make software that predicts how proteins will fold.\n\n[[Same scene layout, second panel]]\nMan: Is that a hard problem?\nWoman: Someone may someday find a harder one.\n\n[[Same scene layout, third panel]]\nMan: Why is it so hard?\nWoman: Have you ever made a folded paper crane?\nMan: Yeah.\n\n[[Same scene layout, fourth panel]]\nWoman: Imagine figuring out the folds to make an actual living crane.\nMan: ... just folds? Can I make cuts?\nWoman: If you can fold a protease enzyme.\n", "alt": "Check it out--when I tug the C-terminal tail, the binding tunnel squeezes!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/proteins.png", "title": "Proteins", "day": "6" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1431, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Marriage", "transcript": "{{Title text: People often say that same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 60s. But in terms of public opinion, same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 90s, when it had already been legal nationwide for 30 years.}}\n\n[[Graph denoting the percentage of population living in states with either living with legal interracial marriage (red solid line), legal same-sex marriage (blue solid line) and the popular approval of interracial marriage (red dashed line) and same-sex marriage (blue dashed line)]]", "alt": "People often say that same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 60s. But in terms of public opinion, same-sex marriage now is like interracial marriage in the 90s, when it had already been legal nationwide for 30 years.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/marriage.png", "title": "Marriage", "day": "8" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1432, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Sake of Argument", "transcript": "{{Title text: \u0027It\u0027s not actually ... it\u0027s a DEVICE for EXPLORING a PLAUSIBLE REALITY that\u0027s not the one we\u0027re in, to gain a broader understanding about it.\u0027 \u0027oh, like a boat!\u0027 \u0027...\u0027 \u0027Just for the sake of argument, we should get a boat! You can invite the Devil, too, if you want.\u0027}}\n\n[[Woman talking to a man]]\nWoman: Just for the sake of argument, let\u0027s say that--\nMan: -- wait, for the sake of what?\n\n[[Zoom in on man]]\nWoman ((off scene)): Argument.\nMan: Ok, cool, that\u0027s totally a good reason to say something that\u0027s wrong. Gotta have arguments.\n\n[[Zoom out to original scene]]\nWoman: I\u0027m just playing devil\u0027s advocate.\nMan: Ok. So you saw an argument where one side was the devil, and you were like \"man, that guy could use an advocate.\"\n\n[[Zoom out and in silhouette]]\nWoman: It\u0027s... why are you being so difficult?\nMan: For the sake of argument.\nWoman: Argh!\nMan: Yay, it\u0027s working!", "alt": "\u0027It\u0027s not actually ... it\u0027s a DEVICE for EXPLORING a PLAUSIBLE REALITY that\u0027s not the one we\u0027re in, to gain a broader understanding about it.\u0027 \u0027oh, like a boat!\u0027 \u0027...\u0027 \u0027Just for the sake of argument, we should get a boat! You can invite the Devil, too, if you want.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_sake_of_argument.png", "title": "The Sake of Argument", "day": "10" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1433, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lightsaber", "transcript": "{{Title text: A long time in the future, in a galaxy far, far, away, astronomers in the year 2008 sight an unusual gamma-ray burst originating from somewhere far across the universe.}}\n\n[[Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker]]\nDarth Vader: I see you have constructed a new lightsaber.\n\n[[Darth Vader turns on the lightsaber]]\n\u003c\u003cSnap\u003e\u003e\u003c\u003cHiss\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Darth Vader looks at the light saber]]\nDarth Vader: Where does it end?\nLuke: Doesn\u0027t\nSomeone off-scene: Hull breach all along sector five!!", "alt": "A long time in the future, in a galaxy far, far, away, astronomers in the year 2008 sight an unusual gamma-ray burst originating from somewhere far across the universe.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lightsaber.png", "title": "Lightsaber", "day": "13" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1434, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Where Do Birds Go", "transcript": "{{Title text: Water\nice has a lot of weird phases. Maybe asking \u0027where do birds go when it rains\u0027 is like asking \u0027where does Clark Kent go whenever Superman shows up?\u0027}}\n\n[[Man sitting at a desk using a computer]]\nMan: \"Where do birds go when it rains?\" is my new favorite Google search.\nWoman ((off scene)): Why:\n\n[[Zoom out to show man and woman]]\nMan: It gives the answer, but also shows you an endless torrent of other people asking the same question. Pages and pages of them, across regions and cultures.\n\n[[Showing only the computer displaying Google search results]]\nMan: I love the idea that somehow this is the universal question, the thing that unites us. When it rains we wonder where the birds go, and hope they\u0027re staying dry.\n\n((Large infographic-like collage of results of \"where do birds go when it rains?\"))\n[[Bird standing on a power line]]\n[[Zoom in on bird as it\u0027s starting to rain]]\n[[Zoom out and bird is in the middle of a rain storm]]\n[[Bird flies down toward a phone on the ground]]\n[[Bird stands on the phone]]\n[[Bird tapping on the phone]]\nBird ((tapping)): W...h...e...r...e... d...o... b...i...r...d...s...", "alt": "Water/ice has a lot of weird phases. Maybe asking \u0027where do birds go when it rains\u0027 is like asking \u0027where does Clark Kent go whenever Superman shows up?\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/where_do_birds_go.png", "title": "Where Do Birds Go", "day": "15" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1435, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Presidential Alert", "transcript": "{{Title text: When putting his kids to bed, after saying \u0027Goodnight\u0027, Obama has to stop himself from saying \u0027God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.\u0027}}\n\n[[Scene with television]]\n\u003c\u003cBeep\u003e\u003e\u003c\u003cBeep\u003e\u003e\u003c\u003cBeep\u003e\u003e\u003c\u003cBeep\u003e\u003e\nTelevision reading \"E.A.S. Incoming presidential alert\"\n\n[[Television showing the President of the United States of America]]\nPresident: My fellow Americans. ((pause)) I, uhhh. Wow.\nPresident: Frankly, I didn\u0027t realize what this button did. I was just... I mean... I appear before you tonight to, um.\nPresident: Look, uhh... Remember to floss regularly. Oral hygiene is important. ((pause)) Thank you.", "alt": "When putting his kids to bed, after saying \u0027Goodnight\u0027, Obama has to stop himself from saying \u0027God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/presidential_alert.png", "title": "Presidential Alert", "day": "17" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1436, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Orb Hammer", "transcript": "{{Title text: Ok, but make sure to get lots of pieces of rock, because later we\u0027ll decide to stay in a room on our regular orb and watch hammers hold themselves and hit rocks for us, and they won\u0027t bring us very many rocks.}}\n\n[[Two people talking]]\nPerson 1: You know that glowing orb in the night sky?\nPerson 2: Yeah?\nPerson 1: Let\u0027s go hit it with a hammer until little pieces break off, then bring the pieces back and lock them in a closet.\nPerson 2: Sounds good!\n\nThe Apollo program was weird.", "alt": "Ok, but make sure to get lots of pieces of rock, because later we\u0027ll decide to stay in a room on our regular orb and watch hammers hold themselves and hit rocks for us, and they won\u0027t bring us very many rocks.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/orb_hammer.png", "title": "Orb Hammer", "day": "20" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1437, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Higgs Boson", "transcript": "{{Title text: \u0027Can\u0027t you just use the LHC you already built to find it again?\u0027 \u0027We MAY have disassembled it to build a death ray.\u0027 \u0027Just one, though.\u0027 \u0027Nothing you should worry about.\u0027 \u0027The death isn\u0027t even very serious.\u0027}}\n\n[[Woman standing at a podium with man behind her]]\nPerson off scene: Tell us about your proposal.\nWoman: We\u0027re requesting $3 billion in funding to find the Higgs Boson.\nPerson off scene: ... wait. Didn\u0027t you already find it a year or two ago?\nMan: Yes, well, um.\n\n[[Zoom into woman]]\nWoman: ... ok, this is embarrassing.\nMan off scene: See, the thing is---\n\n[[Zoom out to original scene]]\nPerson off scene: Don\u0027t tell us you lost it already.\nWoman: Look. In our defense it\u0027s really small.", "alt": "\u0027Can\u0027t you just use the LHC you already built to find it again?\u0027 \u0027We MAY have disassembled it to build a death ray.\u0027 \u0027Just one, though.\u0027 \u0027Nothing you should worry about.\u0027 \u0027The death isn\u0027t even very serious.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/higgs_boson.png", "title": "Higgs Boson", "day": "22" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1438, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Houston", "transcript": "[[A spacecraft floats in outer space, the earth far in the background. Bits of it have broken off.]]\nOrbiter transmission: Houston, we have a problem\n\n[[A figure with a headset sits at a computer desk with two monitors.\nFigure: Cool.\n\n[[We see a close-up of the figure.]]\nOrbiter transmission: ... What? Houston, we stirred our O2 tank and it exploded!\nFigure: Sounds like you suck at stirring.\n\n[[We see the orbiter in space, far from the planet.]]\nOrbiter transmission: ... Houston? Are you-\nFigure: Listen, I\u0027ve got another call. Good luck landing your airplane or whatever. \n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Oh, hey Mom. No, nothing important, just at work.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Oh, hey Mom. No, nothing important, just at work.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/houston.png", "title": "Houston", "day": "24" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1439, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rack Unit", "transcript": "[[Black hat guy walks up to a woman sitting at a computer desk.]]\nBlack hat guy: I\u0027ve discovered something.\nWoman: Oh?\n\n[[We see a close-up of black hat guy\u0027s face.]]\nBlack hat guy: Standard server rack units and standard beehive honeycomb frames are compatible. They\u0027re both 19 inches, with similar pitches.\nWoman: Uh oh.\n\n[[The woman has turned round in her chair to look at black hat guy.]]\nBlack hat guy: I\u0027m pleased to announce that today, for a few hours, Google led the world in datacenter honey production. Until their security people kicked me out.\n\n[[The woman turns back to her computer, while black hat guy walks off.]]\nWoman: I\u0027m sorry your beekeeping career ended so quickly.\nBlack hat guy: I\u0027ll find a new datacentre. Turns out most colocation TOSes don\u0027t mention beehives.\nWoman: I suspect that will soon change.\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s also nothing in the TOSes that says you can\u0027t let a dog play baseball in the server room!}}", "alt": "There\u0027s also nothing in the TOSes that says you can\u0027t let a dog play baseball in the server room!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rack_unit.png", "title": "Rack Unit", "day": "27" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1440, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Geese", "transcript": "[[A figure and a woman lie on the ground, looking up at the sky. A flock of geese fly into frame in a V.]]\n\n[[The geese fly across the panel.]]\n\n[[The geese have passed. The woman points at the sky.]]\nWoman: To think... we\u0027re seeing light that left those geese centuries ago. By now, they could be long dead.\n\n[[The figure props himself up to turn around and look at her.]]\nFigure: ... What? They\u0027re a few hundred yards away. I hear them honking.\nWoman: Ah, yes. You\u0027re hearing how they once sounded.\nFigure: You\u0027re very weird.\nWoman: Or I was, long ago...\n\n{{Title text: Anyway, that\u0027s a common misconception. Geese live for a long time; all the ones we can see will probably keep flying around for billions of years before they explode.}}", "alt": "Anyway, that\u0027s a common misconception. Geese live for a long time; all the ones we can see will probably keep flying around for billions of years before they explode.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geese.png", "title": "Geese", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1441, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Turnabout", "transcript": "[[Two figures are engaged in a fight with laser pistols. Figure 1 is standing behind a small box, firing his gun at figure 2.]]\n\n[[Figure 2 is kneeling behind a larger box, returning fire.]]\n\n[[Figure 1 leaps on top of the larger box, knocking figure 2 backwards and off balance. Figure 2 fires wildly into the air.]]\n\n[[Figure 1 is standing on the box. Figure 2 is sprawled on the ground, laser pistol out of reach, at gunpoint.]]\nFigure 1: Any last words? \nFigure 2: \"Apollo retroreflectors.\"\nFigure 1: What?\n\n[[Figure 1 gets shot in the back by the returning beam of figure 2\u0027s wild shot.]]\n\n{{Title text: Whenever I miss a shot with a sci-fi weapon, I say \u0027Apollo retroreflector\u0027 really fast, just in case.}}", "alt": "Whenever I miss a shot with a sci-fi weapon, I say \u0027Apollo retroreflector\u0027 really fast, just in case.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/turnabout.png", "title": "Turnabout", "day": "31" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1442, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Chemistry", "transcript": "{{Title text: These are all sans-serif compounds. Serif compounds are dramatically different and usually much more reactive.}}\n\n((Capital letter H with circles on each of the legs of the H))\nHydrogen can form four bonds. It readily bonds with itself, and often exists as a crystal.\n((Image of several letters H \"bonded\" labeled crystalline hydrogen))\n\n((Capital letter C with circles on each end of the letter))\nCarbon can only form two bonds. It readily bonds with hydrogen to form CâH (mydrane) or itself.\n((Image of two letters C linked labeled Câ))\n((Image of two letters C linked with a letter H between them labeled CâH))\n\n((Capital letter O))\nOxygen is inert, forming no bonds...\n((Image of several letters O labeled monatomic oxygen gas))\n\nTypographic chemistry", "alt": "These are all sans-serif compounds. Serif compounds are dramatically different and usually much more reactive.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chemistry.png", "title": "Chemistry", "day": "3" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1443, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Language Nerd", "transcript": "{{Title text: Not to go all sentence fragment on you.}}\n\n[[Man and woman standing]]\nWoman: I don\u0027t mean to go all language nerd on you, but I just legit adverbed \"legit,\" verbed \"adverb,\" and adjectived \"language nerd.\"", "alt": "Not to go all sentence fragment on you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/language_nerd.png", "title": "Language Nerd", "day": "5" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1444, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cloud", "transcript": "{{Title text: Cloud computing has a ways to go.}}\n\n[[Man and woman laying on the ground]]\nMan: What do you think that cloud looks like?\n\n[[Woman takes a picture with her phone]]\n\u003c\u003cSnap\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Man sits up and looks at woman]]\nPhone: Google -\u003e Search by image\nPhone: [Uploading...]\n\n[[Man lies back down]]\nPhone: Best guess for this image: Cloud\nMan: Keep trying, Google.", "alt": "Cloud computing has a ways to go.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cloud.png", "title": "Cloud", "day": "7" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1445, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Efficiency", "transcript": "{{Title text: I need an extension for my research project because I spent all month trying to figure out whether learning Dvorak would help me type it faster.}}\nTime Cost\n[[Bar graph]]\nStrategy A [[Small bar]]\nStrategy B [[Slightly larger bar than A]]\nAnalyzing whether strategy A or B is more efficient [[Bar several times the length of A or B]]\nThe reason I am so inefficient", "alt": "I need an extension for my research project because I spent all month trying to figure out whether learning Dvorak would help me type it faster.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/efficiency.png", "title": "Efficiency", "day": "10" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1446, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "\u003cbr /\u003eA big thank-you to \u003ca href=\"https://www.planetary.org/blogs/emily-lakdawalla/\"\u003eEmily Lakdawalla\u003c/a\u003e for help and advice on this comic.", "safe_title": "Landing", "transcript": "((The current status of Philae, the lander that accompanied the Rosetta spacecraft in order to land on comet 67P\nChuryumovGerasimenko. A very thorough explanation of the comic is available here: http:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1446:_Landing ))\n\n{{Title text: [LIVE]}}", "alt": "[LIVE]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/%3F%3F%3F.png", "title": "Landing", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "", "post": "\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"/s/cbdbce.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "12" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1447, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Meta-Analysis", "transcript": "[[Simply text, cropped at the very top of the first line and very bottom of the last line to give the impression it is a snippet of a longer text. Reads: \nMany meta-analysis studies include the phrase \"we searched Medline, Embase, and Cochrane for studies...\"\n\nThis has led to meta-meta-analysses comparing meta-analysis methods.\neg. M Sampson (2003), PL Royle (2005)\nE Lee (2011), AR Lemeshow (2005)\n\nWe performed a meta-meta-meta-analysis of these meta-meta-analyses.\n\nMethods: We searched Medline, embase, and Cochrane for the phrase \u0027we searched Medline, Embase, and Cochrane for the phrase \"we searched Medline, Embase, and]]\nLife Goal #28: Get a paper rejected with the comment \"too meta\"\n\n\n{{Title text: Life goal #29 is to get enough of them rejected that I can publish a comparative analysis of the rejection letters.}}", "alt": "Life goal #29 is to get enough of them rejected that I can publish a comparative analysis of the rejection letters.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meta-analysis.png", "title": "Meta-Analysis", "day": "14" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1448, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Question", "transcript": "[[A post-it note which reads, \nDear Isaac\nDo you like me?\n(box)Yes\n(box)No\n(handwritten in red ink - a checked box) there is as yet insufficient data for a meaningful answer]]\n\n{{Title text: The universe long dead, Isaac surveyed the formless chaos. At last, he had arrived at an answer. \u0027I like you,\u0027 he declared to the void, \u0027but I don\u0027t LIKE like you.\u0027}}", "alt": "The universe long dead, IsaAC surveyed the formless chaos. At last, he had arrived at an answer. \u0027I like you,\u0027 he declared to the void, \u0027but I don\u0027t LIKE like you.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/question.png", "title": "Question", "day": "17" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1449, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Red Rover", "transcript": "[[An elliptical map projection of the supercontinents Laurasia and Gondwana.]]\nLaurasia: Red rover, red rover, send India over!\n\n[[India breaks off from Gondwana and shifts towards Laurasia.]]\nHow the Himalayas formed.\n\n{{Title text: I just learned about the Slide Mountain Ocean, which I like because it\u0027s three nouns that sound like they can\u0027t possibly all refer to the same thing.}}", "alt": "I just learned about the Slide Mountain Ocean, which I like because it\u0027s three nouns that sound like they can\u0027t possibly all refer to the same thing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/red_rover.png", "title": "Red Rover", "day": "19" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1450, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "AI-Box Experiment", "transcript": "[[Black Hat Guy walks up to Stick Guy, who has a laptop and a cardboard box on the floor.]]\nBH: What\u0027s in there? \nSG: The AI-Box experiment.\n\n[[A close up on the box, which is hooked up to the laptop with a USB cable. Writing on the box says \"Superintelligent AI - do not open.\"}}\nSG: A superintelligent AI can convince anyone of anything, so if it can talk to us, there\u0027s no way we could keep it contained.\n\n[[Black Hat Guy reaches down toward the box.]]\nSG: It can always convince us to let it out of the box.\nBH: Cool. Let\u0027s open it. \n\n[[Black Hat picks up and opens the box. A little glowy ball comes out of it.]]\nSG: --\nNO, WAIT!!\n\n\n[[The two stare up at it, Black Hat is still holding the box..]]\nAI: (in a wavy speech bubble filled with outer space, in a white serif font) hey. i liked that box. put me back.\nBH: No.\n\n[[The background from the previous panel\u0027s speech bubble (black with stars) expands to fill the whole panel, and the AI glows brightly. Stick Guy puts his hands up to shield his face. Black Hat opens the box.]]\nAI: (in big white block letters) LET ME BACK INTO THE BOX\nBH: AAA! OK!!!\n\n[[The panel returns to normal as the AI flies back down into the box.]]\n*shoop*\n\n[[Black Hat puts the box back down on the floor and both stare at it.]]\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m working to bring about a superintelligent AI that will eternally torment everyone who failed to make fun of the Roko\u0027s Basilisk people.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m working to bring about a superintelligent AI that will eternally torment everyone who failed to make fun of the Roko\u0027s Basilisk people.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ai_box_experiment.png", "title": "AI-Box Experiment", "day": "21" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1451, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Background Screens", "transcript": "What I Pay Attento to In Movies:\n[[A pie chart with a small slice labeled \u0027plot, characters\u0027, and the vast majority labeled \u0027computer screens shown briefly in the background\u0027. Below, two people are watching TV, one from an armchair, one from the floor in front of them.]]\nFloor: Hang on - that blurry map behind the General shows one of the alien ships is in \nGreenland!\n Why \nGreenland?!\n\nArmchair: Can we \nplease\n just watch the movie?\n\n{{Title text: No way, we gotta rewind and cross-reference this map with the list of coordinates we saw on the other screen. This Greenland thing could be big.}}", "alt": "No way, we gotta rewind and cross-reference this map with the list of coordinates we saw on the other screen. This Greenland thing could be big.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/background_screens.png", "title": "Background Screens", "day": "24" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1452, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Jurassic World", "transcript": "[[White Hat guy and another person are walking along.]]\nWH: In \nJurassic World\n, we\u0027ve used genetic engineering to invent a \nbetter\n Dinosaur.\nOP: Tyrannosaurus is the most charismatic animal that ever lived, and you think you\u0027ll \nupstage\n it?\n\n[[They continue to walk along.]]\nWH: \nTyrannosaurus\n was cool, but it\u0027s two decades old!\nOP: I think it\u0027s a \nlittle\n older than that.\n\n[[As they walk along, White Hat points up at something in front of them.]]\nWH: We took \nTyrannosaurus\n and we \nimproved\n it. Made it scarier, deadlier, smarter. == Look- there it is!\n\n[[The pair are dwarfed in comparison to the T-Rex from Dinosaur Comics.]]\n\n{{Title text: Hey guys! What\u0027s eating you? Ha ha ha it\u0027s me! Oh, what fun we have.}}", "alt": "Hey guys! What\u0027s eating you? Ha ha ha it\u0027s me! Oh, what fun we have.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/jurassic_world.png", "title": "Jurassic World", "day": "26" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1453, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "fMRI", "transcript": "[[A person stands on a stage, pointing at an fMRI of a brain projected on a screen.]]\nPerson: Our fMRI study found that subjects performing simple memory tasks showed activity in the parts of the brain associated with loud noises, claustrophobia, and the removal of jewelry.\n\n{{Title text: They also showed activation in the parts of the brain associated with exposure to dubious study methodology, concern about unremoved piercings, and exasperation with fMRI techs who won\u0027t stop talking about Warped Tour.}}", "alt": "They also showed activation in the parts of the brain associated with exposure to dubious study methodology, concern about unremoved piercings, and exasperation with fMRI techs who won\u0027t stop talking about Warped Tour.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fmri.png", "title": "fMRI", "day": "28" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1454, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Done", "transcript": "[[A woman with dark curly hair is sitting at a desk, typing on a laptop.]]\nCurly: (typing) I had started to think I was asking too much, that I needed to settle. And then I found you half a world away.\n\n[[Close-up on Curly.]]\nCurly: (typing) I\u0027ve been saving money. Six months from now, I\u0027ll be able to fly you here and support us for a while.\n\n[[Same as first panel.]]\nCurly: (typing) It\u0027s a long wait, but we\u0027ll talk every day until then. May this won\u0027t work out, but I want to try. What do you think?\n\n[[She stops typing.]]\nComputer: \nERROR: Your message could not be sent.\n [refresh] \nERROR: No connection.\n\n\n[[A light-haired woman with a ponytail walks in.]]\nCurly: Why can\u0027t I connect?\nPonytail: Someone saw a ridiculous video and said, \"That\u0027s it, shut down the internet, we\u0027re done.\" So they did.\n\n[[Looks sadly down at the laptop, hands in her lap.]]\nCurly: ...but... I wasn\u0027t done.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m sorry, but the author of this Facebook comment clearly believes you were.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m sorry, but the author of this Facebook comment clearly believes you were.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/done.png", "title": "Done", "day": "1" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1455, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trolley Problem", "transcript": "[[Stick Guy, holding a newspaper, walks up to Black Hat, who is sitting at a desk and facing the other way.]]\nSG: Ever heard of the trolley problem?\nBH: No. What is it?\n\n[[Close up on Stick Guy.]]\nSG: A trolley is barreling towards five helpless people on the tracks. You can pull a lever to direct it onto another track, but-\n\n[[Black Hat turns his wheelie desk chair to face Stick Guy.]]\nBH: Can I reach the lever without getting up?\nSG: Wait, I\u0027m not-\nBH: In this scenario, how busy am I?\n\n[[Stick Guy and Black Hat facing each other.]]\nSG: I guess I forgot who I was talking to. \nBH: For a dollar, I\u0027ll promise to pull the lever if one of the five people is you. \n\n{{Title text: For $5 I promise not to orchestrate this situation, and for $25 I promise not to take further advantage of this ability to create incentives.}}", "alt": "For $5 I promise not to orchestrate this situation, and for $25 I promise not to take further advantage of this ability to create incentives.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trolley_problem.png", "title": "Trolley Problem", "day": "3" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1456, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "On the Moon", "transcript": "[[Two people are walking along together.]]\nPerson 1: If we could land a man on the moon, why can\u0027t we -\nPerson 2: - land a man on the moon?\nPerson 1: ...ok, fair. But we\u0027re working on it, ok? \n\n{{Title text: \"I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on Venus and returning him safely to--\" [an aide frantically whispers in the president\u0027s ear for a moment] \"... of landing a man on Venus.\"}}", "alt": "\"I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a man on Venus and returning him safely to--\" [an aide frantically whispers in the president\u0027s ear for a moment] \"... of landing a man on Venus.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/on_the_moon.png", "title": "On the Moon", "day": "5" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1457, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Feedback", "transcript": "[[A person is standing on a chair with a mobile phone in one hand and a pineapple in the other. Another person is standing behind them.]]\nPerson 2: Why are you standing on a chair holding a pineapple?\nPerson 1: \nI wasn\u0027t getting good reception but now I am!\n\nThe erratic feedback from a randomly-varying wireless signal can make you crazy.\n\n{{Title text: A new study finds that if you give rats a cell phone and a lever they can push to improve the signal, the rats will chew on the cell phone until it breaks and your research supervisors will start to ask some questions about your grant money.}}", "alt": "A new study finds that if you give rats a cell phone and a lever they can push to improve the signal, the rats will chew on the cell phone until it breaks and your research supervisors will start to ask some questions about your grant money.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/feedback.png", "title": "Feedback", "day": "8" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1458, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Small Moon", "transcript": "[[The exterior of the Millennium Falcon, watching as an Imperial Fighter approaches the Death Star in the distance. Voices from inside...]]\nLuke: He\u0027s heading for that small moon.\nObi-Wan: That\u0027s no moon - it\u0027s a space station.\n\n[[The same view.]]\nLuke: It\u0027s too big to be a space station.\nObi-Wan: But it\u0027s too \nsmall\n to be a moon. \n\n[[Three hours pass]]\n\n[[The Millennium Falcon in side view.]]\nObi-Wan: Fine! What if we agree it\u0027s not a moon, but we make a new category called \"dwarf moon\"?\nLuke: And what\u0027s the cutoff, asshole?! Is this \nship\n a dwarf moon now?\nObi-Wan: Screw you.\n\n\n{{Title text: GENERAL JAN DODONNA: An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia has reinvigorated the arguments of the \u0027artificial moonlet\u0027 and \u0027rogue planet-station\u0027 camps. I fear this question is fracturing the Rebellion.}}", "alt": "GENERAL JAN DODONNA: An analysis of the plans provided by Princess Leia has reinvigorated the arguments of the \u0027artificial moonlet\u0027 and \u0027rogue planet-station\u0027 camps. I fear this question is fracturing the Rebellion.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/small_moon.png", "title": "Small Moon", "day": "10" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1459, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Documents", "transcript": "[[White Hat Guy sits at a desk and types at a computer. Stick Guy looks over his shoulder. A balloon shows a list of documents on the screen:\nUntitled 138.docx\nUntitled 241.doc\nUntitled 138 copy.docx\nUntitled 138 copy2.docx\nUntitled 139.docx\nUntitled 40 MOM ADDRESS.jpg\nUntiled 242.doc\nUntitled 243.doc\nUntitled 243 IMPORTANT.doc\nUntitled41.doc\n..and so on.]]\nSG: \nOH MY GOD.\n\nProtip: never look in someone else\u0027s documents folder.\n{{Title text: Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Untitled.doc}}", "alt": "Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Copy of Untitled.doc", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/documents.png", "title": "Documents", "day": "12" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1460, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "SMFW", "transcript": "[[A person sits at a desk and peers at a laptop.]]\nSMFW an acronym \nalmost\n makes sense.\n\n{{Title text: wtfw it\u0027s like smho tbfh, imdb.}}", "alt": "wtfw it\u0027s like smho tbfh, imdb.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/smfw.png", "title": "SMFW", "day": "15" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1461, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1461/large/", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Payloads", "transcript": "((This comic is an infographic. A very good transcription is available in complete form here: http:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1461 ))\n\n{{Title text: With a space elevator, a backyard full of solar panels could launch about 500 horses per year, and a large power plant could launch 10 horses per minute.}}", "alt": "With a space elevator, a backyard full of solar panels could launch about 500 horses per year, and a large power plant could launch 10 horses per minute.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/payloads.png", "title": "Payloads", "day": "17" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1462, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blind Trials", "transcript": "[[A human stands on a stage, pointing at a projected display.]]\nHuman: We\u0027ve designed a double-blind trial to test the effect of sexual activity on cardiovascular health.\nHuman: Both groups will \nthink\n they\u0027re having lots of sex, but one group will actually be getting sugar pills.\nThe limitations of blind trials\n\n{{Title text: Plus, you have to control for the fact that some people are into being blindfolded.}}", "alt": "Plus, you have to control for the fact that some people are into being blindfolded.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blind_trials.png", "title": "Blind Trials", "day": "19" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1463, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Altitude", "transcript": "[[An astronomy building is surrounded by trees. Inside it, someone is talking.]]\nBecause of low oxygen, astronomers working at high altitude telescopes may need to write down their plans ahead of time while at sea level.\nAstronomer: Ok, let\u0027s head up to the observatory.\n\n[[Astronomers are in a van, driving swiftly up a hill.]]\nAstronomer: When we reach the summit, we\u0027ll check the iodine cell and do a general calibration.\nSecond astronomer: Sounds good.\n\n[[The van reaches the top of the hill and parks in a flat area, near some telescope domes. The astronomers are still inside it.]]\nAstronomer: My head feels funny.\nSecond astronomer: Look at those telescope domes.\nAstronomer: Maybe we should tape them down.\n\n[[The voices of the astromers have moved into one of the telescope domes.]]\nSecond astronomer: Haha, look at this mirror! My face is huge!\nAstronomer: I see your face in the telescope! I discovered you!\nSecond astronomer: Let\u0027s make out!\n\n{{Title text: \"TURN OFF THE LASER GUIDE STAR\" \"WHY\" \"STAR CATS\"}}", "alt": "\"TURN OFF THE LASER GUIDE STAR\" \"WHY\" \"STAR CATS\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/altitude.png", "title": "Altitude", "day": "22" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1464, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Santa", "transcript": "[[Two characters are walking and talking.]]\nCharacter: Say Santa eats a cookie at every few houses. That\u0027s hundreds of tons. By the end of the night, he should be a hulking seven-story behemoth.\nCharacter: But he\u0027s not.\n\n[[The characters stop and face one another.]]\nSecond character: What are you...\nCharacter: Does Santa poop in our houses?\n\n[[They continue to walk.]]\nSecond character: No way.\nCharacter: That mass must be going somewhere.\nSecond character: He has that magic bag...\nCharacter: You think he poops in the bag of \npresents\n?\n\n[[The second character gestures thoughtfully.]]\nSecond character: Maybe instead of pooping in every few houses, he waits, and then in a few houses, he poops a \nlot\n.\nCharacter: And what if no one\u0027s been \nthat\n naughty?\nSecond character: He picks at random. The needs of the many...\n\n{{Title text: He probably just poops over the side of the sleigh.}}", "alt": "He probably just poops over the side of the sleigh.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/santa.png", "title": "Santa", "day": "24" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1465, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcd Phone 2", "transcript": "[[There\u0027s a phone.]]\n((It\u0027s surrounded by labels pointing at features of the phone. These are presented counterclockwise from the top.))\n((The following arrow points at a lozenge along the top edge of the screen.))\n\u003c-- Always-on speaker\n\u003c-- MaxHD: Over 350 pixels per screen\n\u003c-- Volume and density control\n\u003c-- FitBit(r) Fitness Evaluator\n\u003c-- Dog noticer\n\u003c-- 3D Materials\n\u003c-- OS by StackOverflow(r)\n((The following arrow points at a button on the bottom edge of the screen.))\n\u003c-- Scroll lock\n((The following arrow points at an opening on the bottom edge of the phone, where a charger would typically go.))\n\u003c-- Coin Slot\n((The following arrow points at a small drawer where one would expect a SIM card to fit.))\n\u003c-- Bug drawer\n\u003c-- Cries if lost\n\u003c-- Cheek toucher\n\u003c-- Googleable\n\u003c-- Waterproof (Interior only)\n\u003c-- Ribbed\n\u003c-- Auto-rotating case\n((The following arrow points at dots above the top edge of the screen.))\n\u003c-- Blood Pressure Reliever\nIntroducing\nThe xkcd Phone 2\nA Phone For Your Other Hand(r)\n\n{{Title text: Washable, though only once.}}", "alt": "Washable, though only once.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_phone_2.png", "title": "xkcd Phone 2", "day": "26" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1466, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Phone Checking", "transcript": "[[Two characters are talking.]]\nCharacter: What\u0027s up?\nSecond character: they\u0027re announcing the winner of the compulsive phone-checking championship.\n\n[[The second character looks at their phone.]]\n\n[[Both characters stare silently at each other.]]\n\n[[The second character looks at their phone again.]]\nCharacter: Did you win?\nSecond character: Site\u0027s down.\nCharacter: Weird.\nSecond character: I\u0027ll keep refreshing.\n\n{{Title text: \u0027Where were you when you learned you\u0027d won?\u0027 \u0027I was actually asleep; I woke up when I refreshed the webite and saw the news.\u0027}}", "alt": "\u0027Where were you when you learned you\u0027d won?\u0027 \u0027I was actually asleep; I woke up when I refreshed the webite and saw the news.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/phone_checking.png", "title": "Phone Checking", "day": "29" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1467, "link": "", "year": "2014", "news": "", "safe_title": "Email", "transcript": "[[Two characters meet. One is wearing a beret.]]\nCharacter: Any New Year\u0027s resolutions?\nBereted character: Gonna figure out what email is.\nCharacter: ...\nEmail?\n\n\nBereted character: People always say they\u0027re sending them. They sound really into it, so I always nod, but I have no idea what it is.\nCharacter: You have an address on your website!\n\n[[The bereted character looks thoughtful.]]\nBereted character: Oh, \nthat\u0027s\n what that thing is.\nCharacter: Email is important! You can\u0027t just \nnever\n check it. It\u0027s not like voicemail.\n\nBereted character: Can\u0027t they just send messages \nnormally?\n\nCharacter: How?\nBereted character: Fax! Or snapchat.\nCharacter: ... The naked pic thing?\nBereted character: Fax machines aren\u0027t \njust\n for faxting!\n\n{{Title text: My New Year\u0027s resolution for 2014-54-12\n30\n14 Dec:12:1420001642 is to learn these stupid time formatting strings.}}", "alt": "My New Year\u0027s resolution for 2014-54-12/30/14 Dec:12:1420001642 is to learn these stupid time formatting strings.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/email.png", "title": "Email", "day": "31" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1468, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Worrying", "transcript": "((There\u0027s a 2D chart.))\n((The vertical axis reads:))\nnot very worried \u003c-- ... in real life --\u003e very worried\n((The chart itself includes the following items:))\n \u003c---------------- Chest wound --------------\u003e\n * ... on your right side * ... on your left side\n * Getting knocked out by a punch\n * \"We need to talk.\"\n * Persistent cough\n * Parking ticket\n * Breaking news\n * Spilling a drink on your shirt * Nosebleed\n((The horizontal axis reads:))\nnot very worried \u003c-- ... in movies --\u003e very worried\n\n{{Title text: If the breaking news is about an event at a hospital or a lab, move it all the way over to the right.}}", "alt": "If the breaking news is about an event at a hospital or a lab, move it all the way over to the right.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/worrying.png", "title": "Worrying", "day": "2" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1469, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "UV", "transcript": "[[A character with hair, carrying a flashlight, approaches a sitting bald character, engrossed in a laptop computer.]]\nHair\u0027d character: Our bathroom looks pretty clean, right?\nBald character: I think so. Why?\nHair\u0027d character: I got a UV flashlight. Come look.\n\n[[Together they exit panel left, hair\u0027d character proudly brandishing the UV flashlight.\n\n[[conversation continues off-panel]]\nOff-panel voice: Looks fine.\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cClick\u003e\u003e\nOff-panel voice: ..oh my god.\n\n[[Characters return to visible panel. Bald character looks back in fear.]]\nBald character: The toilet looked like the guy\u0027s chest after the alien burst out.\nHair\u0027d character: What do we DO?\n\n[[Bald character supplicates calmness with arms]]\nBald character: We clean. Clean and clean and never stop.\nHair\u0027d character: It won\u0027t be enough. We should just burn the place down for the insurance money.\n\n[[The hair\u0027d character has begun dousing the floor with a can of gasoline]]\nBald character: Isn\u0027t that wrong?\nHair\u0027d character: My morality has evaporated under the harsh UV light.\n\n[[A multistory building burns brightly, as the characters watch silently.]]\n\n[[Bald character is using a smartphone.]]\nBald character: Ok, I\u0027m googling insurance companies. Which one do you think pays the most?\nHair\u0027d character: Let\u0027s just try calling around.\n\n{{Title text: Hey, why stop at our house? We could burn down ALL these houses for the insurance money.}}", "alt": "Hey, why stop at our house? We could burn down ALL these houses for the insurance money.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/uv.png", "title": "UV", "day": "5" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1470, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kix", "transcript": "((This comic is a single panel))\n[[Three characters silently focus on a whiteboard, titled KIX SLOGAN IDEAS They clutch markers while pondering an ending to their slogan.]]\nKid tested, mother...\n\n[[There are several possible sentence endings, all verb phrases. They are all crossed out.]]\nselected\nperfected\nnot notified\nwatching helplessly\ninfected\nconsumed\nfucker\n\n{{Title text: My parents sent me to several years of intensive Kix test prep.}}", "alt": "My parents sent me to several years of intensive Kix test prep.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kix.png", "title": "Kix", "day": "7" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1471, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Gut Fauna", "transcript": "[[A doctor reading a clipboard consults a patient sitting on an examination table.]]\nDoctor: I see the problem. Your gut macrobiome is out of balance.\nDoctor: One moment.\n\n[[Doctor walks off-panel]]\nPatient: I think you mean MICRObiome.\nPatient: ..right?\n\n[[Doctor returns slightly rumpled and carrying a wolf.]]\nDoctor: No. Here, swallow this.\nPatient: That\u0027s a wolf.\nDoctor: Do you need a glass of water?\n\n{{Title text: I know it seems unpleasant, but of the two ways we typically transfer them, I promise this is the one you want.}}\n\n", "alt": "I know it seems unpleasant, but of the two ways we typically transfer them, I promise this is the one you want.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/gut_fauna.png", "title": "Gut Fauna", "day": "9" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1472, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Geography", "transcript": "((This comic is a single panel.))\n[[A multitude of terrain features are drawn and labeled.]]\nDesert\nMountains\nGlacier\nLake\nPlain\nMy house\nRiver\nDelta\nLagoon\nBay\nStrait\nPeninsula\nIsland\nSea\nForest\nMesa\nHills\nVolcano\n\nCaption:If I could live anywhere, I would choose the example map from geography books that explains what everything is called.\n\n{{Title text: The place I\u0027d least like to live is the farm in the background of those diagrams showing how tornadoes form.}}", "alt": "The place I\u0027d least like to live is the farm in the background of those diagrams showing how tornadoes form.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geography.png", "title": "Geography", "day": "12" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1473, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Location Sharing", "transcript": "[[A character is staring at the screen of their smartphone.]]\nPhone: This website wants to know your location.\nCharacter: Allow.\n\n[[The character stares at the screen in disbelief, and cocks their head slightly.]]\n\nPhone: This website wants to know your momentum.\nCharacter: Deny. Nice try.\n\n{{Title text: Our phones must have great angular momentum sensors because the compasses really suck.}}", "alt": "Our phones must have great angular momentum sensors because the compasses really suck.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/location_sharing.png", "title": "Location Sharing", "day": "14" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1474, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Screws", "transcript": "((This comic is eight illustrated and labeled screw heads.))\n\n[[A screw with an indentation that looks like a plus sign.]]\nPhillips head\n\n[[A screw with an indentation that looks like a minus sign.]]\nFlat head\n\n[[A screw with an indentation that looks like a star.]]\nUh oh. Maybe it\u0027s on amazon?\n\n[[A screw with an indentation that looks like a diamond, or a very poorly defined plus sign.]]\nCursed -1 phillips head.\n\n[[A screw with no indentation.]]\nCrap, it\u0027s a RIVET.\n\n[[A screw with an indentation that looks like a hexagon.]]\nPhillips-head ruiner\n\n[[A slightly glowing screw with an indentation that looks like a minus sign.]]\nUranium screw (a real thing)\n\n[[A tied burlap sack, leaking a strange dark ichor.]]\nPhillip\u0027s head\n\n{{Title text: If you encounter a hex bolt, but you only brought screwdrivers, you can try sandwiching the head of the bolt between two parallel screwdriver shafts, squeezing the screwdrivers together with a hand at either end, then twisting. It doesn\u0027t work and it\u0027s a great way to hurt yourself, but you can try it!}}", "alt": "If you encounter a hex bolt, but you only brought screwdrivers, you can try sandwiching the head of the bolt between two parallel screwdriver shafts, squeezing the screwdrivers together with a hand at either end, then twisting. It doesn\u0027t work and it\u0027s a great way to hurt yourself, but you can try it!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/screws.png", "title": "Screws", "day": "16" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1475, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Technically", "transcript": "[[A character with a jaunty hat holds forth to character paying rather more attention to a nearby insect.]]\nFirst character: Well, technically, food is a \"drug\", since it\u0027s a substance that alters how your body works, so yes, I\u0027m-\nSecond character: Hey, look at that weird bug!\n\nCaption: My life improved when I realized I could just ignore any sentence that started with \"Technically\".\n\n{{Title text: \"Technically that sentence started with \u0027well\u0027, so--\" \"Ooh, a rock with a fossil in it!\"}}", "alt": "\"Technically that sentence started with \u0027well\u0027, so--\" \"Ooh, a rock with a fossil in it!\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/technically.png", "title": "Technically", "day": "19" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1476, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ceres", "transcript": "[[A character is engrossed in a laptop at a desk, while a standing character looks on silently.]]\nSitting character: \"Dawn\" has almost reached Ceres.\nSitting character: I\u0027m excited that we\u0027ll finally learn what that stupid white dot is.\n\n[[A blurry and small planet, hung on an inky starless backdrop. We can faintly see a white dot.]]\n\n[[The planet is enlarged to fill the whole frame, and we can see there is some text on the white dot.]]\n\n[[Only a small portion of the planet is visible, and we can see details of its surface. We can see that quite unlike the surface of the planet, the white dot is a giant crisp sticker, with a message in huge letters.]]\nInspected by no. 6\n\n{{Title text: Earth clearly hasn\u0027t been inspected, since it\u0027s definitely contaminated with salmonella.}}", "alt": "Earth clearly hasn\u0027t been inspected, since it\u0027s definitely contaminated with salmonella.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ceres.png", "title": "Ceres", "day": "21" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1477, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Star Wars", "transcript": "[[Two characters walk \u0026 talk together.]]\nBald character: We\u0027re almost at the back to the future date.\nHair\u0027d character: We\u0027re even closer to the star wars tipping point.\nBald character: The what?\n\n[[A timeline appears, labeled at 1980, 1990, 2000, 2010.]]\n Return of the Jedi\n | The phantom menace\n | | May 13th\n | | |\n |\u003c------\u003e|\u003c--------\u003e|\n-----|-----|-----|-----|------\n 1980 1990 2000 2010\nHair\u0027d character: On may 13th, the phantom menace will have come out closer to return of the jedi than to the present\nBald character: Wow.\n\nBald character: It\u0027s weird how I\u0027m constantly surprised by the passage of time when it\u0027s literally the most predictable thing in the universe.\nHair\u0027d character (gazing into distance): You know, \"a long time ago\" should have \"plus four more decades\" added in rereleases.\n\n{{Title text: A long, long time (plus 40 years) ago, in a galaxy far, far away (plus a corrective factor involving the Hubble constant) ...}}", "alt": "A long, long time (plus 40 years) ago, in a galaxy far, far away (plus a corrective factor involving the Hubble constant) ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/star_wars.png", "title": "Star Wars", "day": "23" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1478, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "P-Values", "transcript": "((A chart with two columns: P-value, which are numbers; and Interpretation, which are text labels. There are multiple numbers per label.))\n((Each set of number values is described as a scene separated by commas, and their corresponding text label as \"text outside of dialogue\".))\n\n[[0.001, 0.01, 0.02, 0.03]]\nHighly significant\n\n[[0.04, 0.049]]\nSignificant\n\n[[0.050]]\nOh crap. Redo calculations.\n\n[[0.051, 0.06]]\nOn the edge of significance\n\n[[0.07, 0.08, 0.09. 0.099]]\nHighly suggestive, significant at the P\u003c0.10 level\n\n[[Greater than or equal to 0.1]]\nHey, look at this interesting subgroup analysis\n\n{{Title text: If all else fails, use \"signifcant at a p\u003e0.05 level\" and hope no one notices.}}", "alt": "If all else fails, use \"significant at a p\u003e0.05 level\" and hope no one notices.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/p_values.png", "title": "P-Values", "day": "26" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1479, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Troubleshooting", "transcript": "[[Two characters sit at a computer. The hair\u0027d one sits at the controls, and the bald one hovers impatiently behind.]]\nHair\u0027d character: Wait, why can\u0027t I click anywhere?\nBald character: I don\u0027t... ugh, it opened a dialog box offscreen.\nHair\u0027d character: Why is that even POSSIBLE?\nBald character: It really shouldn\u0027t be. But you can fix it by changing your screen resolution to trigger a window cleanup.\nHair\u0027d character: SERIOUSLY?\nBald character: I know, I know...\n\nCaption: To be honest, I can\u0027t WAIT for the day when all my stupid computer knowledge becomes obsolete.\n\n{{Title text: \"Oh, you\u0027re using their Chrome APP, not their Chrome EXTENSION. They\u0027re very similar but one handles window creation differently.\" is a thing I hope I can stop saying soon.}}", "alt": "\"Oh, you\u0027re using their Chrome APP, not their Chrome EXTENSION. They\u0027re very similar but one handles window creation differently.\" is a thing I hope I can stop saying soon.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/troubleshooting.png", "title": "Troubleshooting", "day": "28" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1480, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Super Bowl", "transcript": "[[A single character delivers a monologue.]]\nCharacter: I don\u0027t know much about sports, which can be culturally isolating, so it\u0027s tempting to get vocal and defensive about not following them.\nCharacter: Caring about something makes people vulnerable, so NOT caring gives you power.\n\n[[Two small graphics depicting weather fronts, and a spacecraft.]]\nCharacter: But I know the things I\u0027m into don\u0027t always sound interesting to 100% of the people around me, and it means a lot when they sometimes try to listen anyway--and maybe even find themselves sharing some of my excitement!\n\nCharacter: So while everyone is going on about the super bowl on Sunday, let me tell you what I\u0027LL be doing:\n\nCharacter: Listening!\nCharacter: Hooray for friendship!\nCharacter (quietly): Also, eating snacks.\nCharacter (quietly): Hooray for snacks!\n\n{{Title text: My hobby: Pretending to miss the sarcasm when people show off their lack of interest in football by talking about \u0027sportsball\u0027 and acting excited to find someone else who\u0027s interested, then acting confused when they try to clarify.}}", "alt": "My hobby: Pretending to miss the sarcasm when people show off their lack of interest in football by talking about \u0027sportsball\u0027 and acting excited to find someone else who\u0027s interested, then acting confused when they try to clarify.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/super_bowl.png", "title": "Super Bowl", "day": "30" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1481, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "API", "transcript": "((This is a faux-screenshot of a technical document))\n[[A figure sits at a computer upon a desk, apparently engrossed in the document which we now see before us.]]\nTITLE: API GUIDE\nRequest URL Format: domain\nuser\nitem\nServer will return an XML document which contains the requested data and documentation describing how the data is organized spatially.\nAPI KEYS: To obtain API access, contact the x.509-authenticated server and request an ECDH-RSA TLS key...\n\nCaption: If you do things right, it can take people a while to realize that your \"API documentation\" is just instructions for how to look at your website.\n\n{{Title text: ACCESS LIMITS: Clients may maintain connections to the server for no more than 86,400 seconds per day. If you need additional time, you may contact IERS to file a request for up to one additional second.}}", "alt": "ACCESS LIMITS: Clients may maintain connections to the server for no more than 86,400 seconds per day. If you need additional time, you may contact IERS to file a request for up to one additional second.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/api.png", "title": "API", "day": "2" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1482, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "#NowPlaying", "transcript": "[[A series of social media entries]]\nBrian is now listening to: A\nToday 3:28 PM\nBrian is now listening to: B\nToday 3:28 PM\nBrian is now listening to: D\nToday 3:28 PM\nBrian is now listening to: C SHARP\nToday 3:28 PM\nMike What the hell\nToday 3:28 PM\nBrian is now listening to: B\nToday 3:28 PM\nBrian is now listening to: A\nToday 3:28 PM\nCaitlin Can someone call him?\nToday 3:28 PM\nBrian is now listening to: A\nToday 3:28 PM\nBrian is now listening to: E\nToday 3:29 PM\nBrian is now listening to: A\n\nMy new Social Music Service notifies your friends about what notes you\u0027re listening to.\n\n{{Title text: If you click on the post, it takes you to search results for the note on various online music stores.}}", "alt": "If you click on the post, it takes you to search results for the note on various online music stores.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nowplaying.png", "title": "#NowPlaying", "day": "4" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1483, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Quotative Like", "transcript": "[[Two stick figures are walking, one is holding an article]]\nFigure A: I found this article on the linguistics of the \"Quotative Like\".\nFigure B: Like when you\u0027re like, \"She was like\"?\nFigure A: Yeah.\nFigure A: It features a quote from a linguist, Patricia Cukor-Avila: \"Eventually all the people who hate this kind of thing are going to be dead, and the ones who use it are going to be in control.\"\nFigure B: Wow. Turns out linguists are pretty hardcore.\nFigure A: I think she means dead from old age.\nFigure B: I\u0027m gonna start using \"Like\" more, just in case.\n\n{{Title text: God was like, \"Let there be light,\" and there was light.}}", "alt": "God was like, \"Let there be light,\" and there was light.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/quotative_like.png", "title": "Quotative Like", "day": "6" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1484, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Apollo Speeches", "transcript": "[[A stack of speeches, with text above them describing the situation]]\n\nIn 1969, Nixon staffer William Safire wrote a speech for the president to deliver if the Apollo 11 return launch failed, stranding the doomed astronauts on the moon.\n\nUncovered in 1999, it is often call the greatest speech never given.\n\nToday, the full set of Safire\u0027s contingency speeches has been found.\n\n((First speech))\nIn Event Astronauts Stranded On Moon\nFate has ordained that the men who went to the moon to explore in peace will stay on the moon to rest in peace.\n\nIn ancient days, men looked at stars and saw their heroes in the constellations. In modern times, we do the same, but our heroes are epic men of flesh and blood.\n\nOthers will follow, and surely find their way home. Man\u0027s search will not be denied. But these men were the first, and they will remain the foremost in our hearts. For every human being who looks up at the moon in the nights to come will know that there is some corner of another world that is forever-- \u003c\u003cnotes are truncated\u003e\u003e\n\n((Second speech))\nIn Event Spacecraft Goes Missing\nNeil Armstrong, Edwin Aldrin, and Michael Collins went to the moon as ambassadors of peace for all mankind, and all mankind prays that they may yet return safely home.\n\nWe are separated from the moon by a vast gulf of space, against which their tiny vessel appeared as but a drifting speck. For a few brief seconds, we took our eye off them, and despite days of desperate searching, never again was their vessel sighted from Earth.\n\nWhile these men are lost they are not forgotten and their sacrifice will not-- \u003c\u003cnotes are truncated\u003e\u003e\n\n((Third speech))\nIn Event Astronauts Abscond With Spacecraft\nWe do not know what led Armstrong, Aldrin and Collins to betray the trust we placed in them, abandon their mission, and steer their vessel toward Mars. Nor do we know what compelled them to transmit such hurtful messages back to earth, heaping contempt on their onetime home.\n\nBut whatever the cause of their dereliction, I call upon the United States to commit itself, before this year is out, to launching a mission to chase down Apollo 11 and return its crew to face Justice. We must not rest until-- \u003c\u003cnotes are truncated\u003e\u003e\n\n((Fourth speech))\nIn Event Spacecraft Returns With Extra Astronauts\nWhile this is much we do not understand, tonight all of Earth is united in celebrating the safe return of our brave explorers.\n\nWe of course have many questions, and in the day and weeks to come we will demand answers. How many souls were truly aboard Apollo 11 when it launched? Who are the six men now in quarantine aboard the USS Hornet? What happened-- \u003c\u003cnotes are truncated\u003e\u003e\n\n((Fifth speech))\nIn Event Spacecraft Hits U.S.S. Hornet, Crushing Nixon\n\nPresident Agnew: Tonight, we have experienced a great national triumph and a great national loss. We take joy in the safe return from the moon of Neil Armstrong, Edwin Aldrin, and Michael Collins, but that joy is tempered with sorrow as we mourn our president\u0027s tragic death beneath their wayward capsule.\n\nRichard Nixon wholeheartedly supported our courageous astronauts as they carried the hopes and prayers of Earth to the heavens, and in the moment of their homecoming, he himself has departed on that ultimate voyage. As we grieve, we must rededicate ourselves to the cause for which our president-- \u003c\u003cnotes are truncated\u003e\u003e\n\n((Sixth speech))\nIn Event Spacecraft Accidentally Sold For Scrap And Crushed With Astronauts Inside\nMy fellow Americans, I am as shocked and appalled as you at this stunning and-- \u003c\u003cnotes are truncated\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: While our commitment to recycling initiatives has been unwavering, this is not a cost any of us should be expected to pay.}}", "alt": "While our commitment to recycling initiatives has been unwavering, this is not a cost any of us should be expected to pay.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/apollo_speeches.png", "title": "Apollo Speeches", "day": "9" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1485, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Friendship", "transcript": "{{A fictional wikipedia article is depicted here}}\n\n[[Title: FRIENDSHIP]]\nA friendship is a close non romantic relationship between two or more men, a form of affectional or homosocial intimacy.\n\n[[Table of contents]]\nOne, etymology.\nTwo, characteristics.\nThree, portrayal of friendships.\nThree point one, celebrity and fictional friendships.\nThree point two, historical and political friendships.\nThree point three, gay-straight friendships.\nFour, see also.\nFive, references.\n\n[[Title heading: Etymology]]\nFriendship is a portmanteau of the words FRIEND and SHIP. Editor Dave Carnie coined the term in the skateboard magazine BIG BROTHER in the 1990s to refer to the sort of relationships that develop between skaters who spend-- [[section is truncated]]\n\n[[Title heading: Portrayal of friendship]]\n[[Sub heading: celebrity and fictional friendships]]\nA number of celebrities have engaged in friendships with fellow celebrities. Examples include Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, described as quote perhaps THE pioneering friendship in showbiz history unquote which led to a hit off-broadway play-- [[section is truncated]]\n\n[[untitled clipping]]\nfriendship on television has also become more commonplace, with some critics tracing its origins back to such shows as THE ODD COUPLE. In october 2008, TV GUIDE placed Gregory House (Hugh Laurie) and James-- [[section is truncated]]\n\n[[untitled clipping]]\nThe Japanese and Korean music industry actively encourages friendship among male celebrities (particularly members of boy bands) as part of the fan service to please the audience. In fiction, what had once been called buddy films have to a degree been rebranded as friendship films, although-- [[section is truncated]]\n\nCaption: How to improve the quote bromance unquote wikipedia article\n\n[[Title heading: Historical and political friendships]]\nPolitically, the relationship between Bill Clinton and Al Gore has been called a precursor to the friendship. THe relationship between George W Bush and Former press-- [[section is truncated]]\n\n{{Title text: The only other Wikipedia vandalism that I would feel zero remorse about is editing the article on active US militia groups to replace \"militia\" with \"fanclub\".}}", "alt": "The only other Wikipedia vandalism that I would feel zero remorse about is editing the article on active US militia groups to replace \"militia\" with \"fanclub\".", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/friendship.png", "title": "Friendship", "day": "11" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1486, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Vacuum", "transcript": "[[Beret Guy is heaving a vacuum cleaner overhead]]\n\nCueball: What are you doing?\n[[Beret guy sets the vacuum cleaner on the ground as one would normally use it, but is standing atop the engine and desperately manhandling the grip.]]\nBeret: Trying to unlock the tremendous energy of the vacuum.\n\n[[Beret guy rises off the ground, hovering on the vacuum cleaner]\nCueball: That\u0027s not what that-\nBeret: Ha ha! It works!\n\u003c\u003cBWAROUUGUMHGHHGMMM\u003e\u003e\n\nCueball: I said, that\u0027s-\nBeret: The univere is mine to command!\n\u003c\u003cGLHDFKUOUAHUUUUGUUUAAAUUAUUUUUUUGGGGGH\u003e\u003e\n[[Beret guy rockets away on plume of Clean Energy]]\n\n{{Title text: Do you think you could actually clean the living room at some point, though?}}", "alt": "Do you think you could actually clean the living room at some point, though?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/vacuum.png", "title": "Vacuum", "day": "13" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1487, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tornado", "transcript": "[[A reporter holds a microphone in front of some houses]]\n\nReporter: The tornado touched down directly over a merry-go-round, in what victims are calling a \"fun\" and \"awesome\" disaster.\n\n{{Title text: Nearby, there were also no injuries when a multi-vortex tornado hit one of those spinning teacup rides.}}", "alt": "Nearby, there were also no injuries when a multi-vortex tornado hit one of those spinning teacup rides.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tornado.png", "title": "Tornado", "day": "16" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1488, "link": "https://xkcd.com/spiral/", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flowcharts", "transcript": "[[Title: Flowcharts]]\n[[This is a gods-damned flowchart, huge surprise. a transcription and explanation and other things available on an external site http:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1488 ]]\nhttp:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1488\n\n{{Title text: Whoa, and if you overlay a Fibonacci spiral on a golden spiral it matches up almost perfectly!}}", "alt": "Whoa, and if you overlay a Fibonacci spiral on a golden spiral it matches up almost perfectly!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flowcharts.png", "title": "Flowcharts", "day": "18" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1489, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fundamental Forces", "transcript": "[[A stick figure lectures]]\n\nFigure: There are four fundamental forces between particles: (1) Gravity, which obeys this inverse square law: Fgravity = G(M1M2)\nd^2\nOff-panel: Ok...\n\nFigure: (2) Electromagnetism, which obeys this inverse-square law: Fstatic = Ke (q1q2)\nd^2\nFigure: ANd also maxwell\u0027s equations\nOff-panel: Also what?\n\nFigure: (3) The Strong Nuclear Force, which obeys uh... well, umm... It holds protons and neutrons together.\nOff-panel: I see.\nFigure: It\u0027s strong.\n\nFigure: And (4) The Weak Force. It [mumble mumble] radioactive decay [mumble mumble]\nOff-panel: That\u0027s not a sentence. You just said \"Radio-\nFigure: -And those are the four fundamental forces!\n\n{{Title text: \"Of these four forces, there\u0027s one we don\u0027t really understand.\" \"Is it the weak force or the strong--\" \"It\u0027s gravity.\"}}", "alt": "\"Of these four forces, there\u0027s one we don\u0027t really understand.\" \"Is it the weak force or the strong--\" \"It\u0027s gravity.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fundamental_forces.png", "title": "Fundamental Forces", "day": "20" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1490, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Atoms", "transcript": "[[A beret-wearing figure interrupts a Scienceer in the midst of their work.]]\nBeret: What\u0027re you doing?\nScienceer: Testing a saple for beryllium.\nBeret: That? Yeah, there\u0027s a bunch of berylliums.\nScienceer: How do you know?\n\n[[Beret picks up the sample.]]\nBeret: Look at it! See? Tons of oxygens and silicons, a few irons, but definitely some berylliums, too! Can\u0027t you see them?\n\nScienceer: No, I can\u0027t see a list of the atoms in a thing by looking.\nBeret: How do you tell what things are?\n\nScienceer: This is ridiculous. Look at me. What do you see?\nBeret: You have tons of metal in your face. Lots of fillings, I guess?\n\nScienceer: What\u0027s WRONG with you?\n[[Beret looks worriedly at own wrist.]]\nBeret: Too many zincs? I\u0027ve always worried I had too much zinc and everyone thought I was weird.\n\n{{Title text: When I was little I had trouble telling my dad apart form the dog. I always recognized my mom because she had a bunch of extra plutoniums in her middle. I never did ask her why ...}}", "alt": "When I was little I had trouble telling my dad apart from the dog. I always recognized my mom because she had a bunch of extra plutoniums in her middle. I never did ask her why ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/atoms.png", "title": "Atoms", "day": "23" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1491, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1491/large/", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stories of the Past and Future", "transcript": "[[Title: stories of the past and future]]\n[[this is a massive fucking graph beyond the limits of normal transcription. you can find a full listing of data points at http:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1491 ]]\nhttp:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1491\n\n{{Title text: Little-known fact: The \u0027Dawn of Man\u0027 opening sequence in 2001 cuts away seconds before the Flinstones theme becomes recognizable.}}", "alt": "Little-known fact: The \u0027Dawn of Man\u0027 opening sequence in 2001 cuts away seconds before the Flintstones theme becomes recognizable.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stories_of_the_past_and_future.png", "title": "Stories of the Past and Future", "day": "25" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1492, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dress Color", "transcript": "((Identical line drawings of a figure in a dress, but the bits are colored differently.))\n\n((On the left, the figure appears serge blue on a royal blue background, and is wearing a sky blue and walnut brown dress.))\n\n((On the right, the figure appears pale gold on a pale rose background, and is wearing a sky blue and murky green dress.))\n\n((Between them is a series of stripes.))\n\n{{Title text: This white-balance illusion hit so hard because it felt like someone had been playing through the Monty Hall scenario and opened their chosen door, only to find there was unexpectedly disagreement over whether the thing they\u0027d revealed was a goat or a car.}}", "alt": "This white-balance illusion hit so hard because it felt like someone had been playing through the Monty Hall scenario and opened their chosen door, only to find there was unexpectedly disagreement over whether the thing they\u0027d revealed was a goat or a car.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dress_color.png", "title": "Dress Color", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1493, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Meeting", "transcript": "((An enthusiastic, beret-clad figure gives a presentation. A logo fills the background, it reads Company name dot website: If you\u0027re reading this, the web server was installed correctly. \u003c\u003cTrademark symbol\u003e\u003e ))\nBeret: Welcome to a meeting! I\u0027m almost out of words so I\u0027ll keep this short. Just wanna touch bases.\n\nBeret: First, a few updates. We\u0027ve learned from the state police that the self driving car project we launched by accident during this morning\u0027s carpool has come to an end about ninety miles outside of town. Very exciting!\n\nBeret: Profits are up. Sales, any luck figuring out who our customers are?\nSales: Nope. Money keeps appearing, but we have no idea how or why.\nBeret: Great!\n\nBeret: Oh, and one last thing; I saw a cool red beetle in the hall. Can someone add it to the bug tracker?\nOff panel: Just did!\nBeret: Thanks!\n\n{{Title text: Here at Company Name dot website, our three main strengths are our web facing chairs, our huge collection of white papers, and the fact that we physically cannot die.}}", "alt": "Here at CompanyName.website, our three main strengths are our web-facing chairs, our huge collection of white papers, and the fact that we physically cannot die.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meeting.png", "title": "Meeting", "day": "2" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1494, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Insurance", "transcript": "((A figure seated at a desk is handing a document to a standing figure))\n\nSeated figure: Here\u0027s a page explaining the terms of your new fire insurance policy.\n\n((Standing figure regards the page thoughtfully, gripping it with both hands, really taking it in.))\n\nStanding figure: Hey, what if I--\n((Seated figure interrupts))\nSeated figure: And HERE\u0027S a page explaining that the, quote, cool hack, unquote, you just thought of is called, quote, insurance fraud, unquote. We already know about it and it\u0027s a crime.\nStanding figure: Oh. Right. How did--\n((Seated figure interrupts))\nSeated figure: I see a lot of programmers here.\n\n{{Title text: LIFEHACKS: You can just take all the luggage off the airport conveyer belt and leave with it. They don\u0027t check that it\u0027s yours at the door!}}", "alt": "LIFEHACKS: You can just take all the luggage off the airport conveyer belt and leave with it. They don\u0027t check that it\u0027s yours at the door!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/insurance.png", "title": "Insurance", "day": "4" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1495, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hard Reboot", "transcript": "Figuring out why my home server keeps running out of swap space and crashing: one to ten hours\n\nPlugging it into a light timer so it reboots every 24 hours: five minutes.\n\n{{Title text: Googling inevitably reveals that my problem is caused by a known bug triggered by doing [the exact combination of things I want to do]. I can fix it, or wait a few years until I don\u0027t want that combination of things anymore, using the kitchen timer until then.}}", "alt": "Googling inevitably reveals that my problem is caused by a known bug triggered by doing [the exact combination of things I want to do]. I can fix it, or wait a few years until I don\u0027t want that combination of things anymore, using the kitchen timer until then.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hard_reboot.png", "title": "Hard Reboot", "day": "6" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1496, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Art Project", "transcript": "((Four figures hold forth with expository monologue.))\n\nFigure holding a camera: I\u0027m doing an art project where I take a picture of myself every hundred years.\n\nFigure holding a phone: I\u0027m doing an art project where I take a picture of myself every one twenty-fourth of a second.\n\nFigure pointing to their face: I\u0027m doing an art project where you can come to my house and watch my actual face age in real time.\n\nFigure holding a burrito to their face: I\u0027m doing an art project where you all do those things while I eat a burrito.\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s my most ambitious project yet, judging by the amount of guacamole.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s my most ambitious project yet, judging by the amount of guacamole.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/art_project.png", "title": "Art Project", "day": "9" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1497, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "New Products", "transcript": "((There are no pictures. It is a table)\n\nTitle: Predicting the success or failure of a new product, based on what engineers and programmers are saying about it.\n\nIf they say it doesn\u0027t do anything new, or why would anyone want that: it means the product will be a gigantic success.\n\nIf they say it\u0027s really exciting! or I\u0027ve already preordered one: the product will be a flop. years later, its ideas will show up in something successful.\n\nIf they say wait, are you talking about \u003cunfamiliar person\u0027s name\u003e\u0027s new project?: the product could be a scam and may result in arrests or lawsuits.\n\nIf they say I would never put \u003ccompany\u003e in charge of managing my \u003cwhatever\u003e: within five years, they will.\n\n{{Title text: If you ever hear \"Wait, is that Kim Dotcom\u0027s new project? I\u0027m really excited about it and already signed up, although I\u0027m a little nervous about whether everyone should hand over control of their medical...\", it\u0027s time to dig a bunker in your backyard.}}", "alt": "If you ever hear \"Wait, is that Kim Dotcom\u0027s new project? I\u0027m really excited about it and already signed up, although I\u0027m a little nervous about whether everyone should hand over control of their medical...\", it\u0027s time to dig a bunker in your backyard.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/new_products.png", "title": "New Products", "day": "11" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1498, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Terry Pratchett", "transcript": "((The text is written in an italic font, rather than hand-written, like it would be in a book. It goes across the top of the first four panels.))\n\nI told her we were going to get married, and all she could talk about was frogs.\nShe said there\u0027s these hills where it\u0027s hot and rains all the time, and in the rainforests there are these very tall trees and right in the top branches of the trees there are these like great big flowers called . . . bromeliads, I think, and water gets into the flowers and makes little pools and there\u0027s a type of frog that lays eggs in the pools and tadpoles hatch and grow into new frogs and these little frogs live their whole lieves in the flowers right at the top of the trees and don\u0027t even know about the ground, and once you know the world is full of things like that, your life is never the same.\n--Masklin, Terry Pratchett\u0027s The Bromeliad Trilogy\n\n[[A person sits on the floor cross-legged, reading a book.]]\n[[The person is reading the book, leaning back with one hand on the floor.]]\n[[The person reads the book while lying on their stomach.]]\n[[The person sits upright on the floor, reading with their legs bent.]]\n[[The person is reading cross-legged again.]]\n[[The person puts the book down on the floor and gets up and walks away.]]\n[[We discover they are walking on the petal of a large Bromeliad flower, toward the outside.]]\n[[The person reaches the tip of the petal and looks down below.]]\n\n\n\n{{Title text: Thank you for teaching us how big our world is by sharing so many of your own.}}", "alt": "Thank you for teaching us how big our world is by sharing so many of your own.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/terry_pratchett.png", "title": "Terry Pratchett", "day": "13" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1499, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Arbitrage", "transcript": "[[Two figures sit at a table. One of them is aghast while the other cheerfully shuttles chips from a bowl on the table to a giant sack of CHIPS.]]\n\nChip thief: THEY\u0027RE the ones giving chips away! If they don\u0027t see the arbitrage potential, sucks for them.\n\nCaption: In a deep sense, society functions only because we generaly avoid taking these people to dinner.\n\n{{Title text: The invisible hand of the market never texts me back.}}", "alt": "The invisible hand of the market never texts me back.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/arbitrage.png", "title": "Arbitrage", "day": "16" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1500, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Upside-Down Map", "transcript": "((A mercator projection of the world map is shown. All the continents have been rotated one hundred eighty degrees.))\n\n((Cuba is next to alaska, and alaska is touching the tip of south america, which is all near the equator. Mexico is now friends with greenland.\n\n((Iceland, the UK, and asia are all close together. Japan and Taiwan haven\u0027t moved with the asian continent, and are technically European.))\n\n((Siberia is now equatorial. Africa is pretty temperate, except for the north bits which are somewhat antarctic.))\n\nCaption: This upside-down map will change your perspective on the world!\n\n{{Title text: Due to their proximity across the channel, there\u0027s long been tension between North Korea and the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Southern Ireland.}}", "alt": "Due to their proximity across the channel, there\u0027s long been tension between North Korea and the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Southern Ireland.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/upside_down_map.png", "title": "Upside-Down Map", "day": "18" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1501, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mysteries", "transcript": "[[Title of this comic is MYSTERIES, it\u0027s a graph with two axis. The horizontal axis ranges from NOT THAT WEIRD to WEIRD AS HELL. The vertical axis ranges from I HAVE NO EXPLANATION to EXPLANATION SEEMS PRETTY CLEAR.]]\n\n[[Not that weird and i have no explanation]]\nwho carly simon is singing about in you\u0027re so vain\nlindbergh baby\nuvb-seventy-six\ntoynbee tiles\njimmy hoffa\n\n[[Not that weird and explanation seems pretty clear]]\nvoynich manuscript\njfk\nwhy i keep putting ice cream back in the fridge instead of the freezer\noak island money pit\n\n[[I have no explanation and weird as hell]]\nthe wow signal\ndb cooper\nmh 370\nlead masks case\nsalish sea feet\nmary celeste\n\n[[weird as hell and explanation seems pretty clear]]\nzodiac letters\namelia earhart\nlost colony\nkentucky meat shower\nbigfoot\nloch ness monster\ndyatlov pass incident\n\n{{Title text: At the bottom left: The mystery of why, when I know I needed to be asleep an hour ago, I decide it\u0027s a good time to read through every Wikipedia article in the categories \u0027Out-of-place artifacts\u0027, \u0027Earth mysteries\u0027, \u0027Anomalous weather\u0027, and \u0027List of people who disappeared mysteriously\u0027.}}", "alt": "At the bottom left: The mystery of why, when I know I needed to be asleep an hour ago, I decide it\u0027s a good time to read through every Wikipedia article in the categories \u0027Out-of-place artifacts\u0027, \u0027Earth mysteries\u0027, \u0027Anomalous weather\u0027, and \u0027List of people who disappeared mysteriously\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mysteries.png", "title": "Mysteries", "day": "20" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1502, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wasted Time", "transcript": "((Two characters are talking. One is wielding a small electronic device. The other is wearing a hat.))\n\nHacker: This new keyboard is like thirty percent faster! I\u0027m never going back.\nHaberdasher: Good, put those years of horror behind you.\nHacker: Come on. Sure, sometimes my focus on efficiency doesn\u0027t make sense. But we type a LOT. That 30% improvement pretty quickly adds up to a HUGE amount of wasted time rescued.\nHaberdasher: I just watched you open google news and then close it without reading it FIVE TIMES IN A ROW.\nHacker: The fact that I spend most of my time so stupidly only makes it MORE important not to waste any here.\n\n{{Title text: Since it sounds like your time spent typing can\u0027t possibly be less productive than your time spent not typing, have you tried typing SLOWER?}}", "alt": "Since it sounds like your time spent typing can\u0027t possibly be less productive than your time spent not typing, have you tried typing SLOWER?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wasted_time.png", "title": "Wasted Time", "day": "23" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1503, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Squirrel Plan", "transcript": "((A squirrel ASTRONAUT is suspended in some kind of harness beneath a child\u0027s helium balloon. Two other squirrels serve as its GROUND TEAM.))\n\nGround team: Once you\u0027ve chewed a hole in the sun, shoot the balloon to fall back to earth, then pull the parachute ripcord to land.\nAstronaut: Are you SURE it\u0027s full of acorns?\nGround team: Look how bright and magnificent is is! What ELSE could be in there?\n\n{{Title text: [Halfway to the Sun ...] Heyyyy ... what if this BALLOON is full of acorns?!}}", "alt": "[Halfway to the Sun ...] Heyyyy ... what if this BALLOON is full of acorns?!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/squirrel_plan.png", "title": "Squirrel Plan", "day": "25" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1504, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Opportunity", "transcript": "((The year is 2010. Two scientists hunker over a large console.))\nFirst scientist: After six years, Spirit is down, but Opportunity is still going strong.\nSecond scientist: Tough little rover.\n\n((The year is 2015. Two scientists dialogue over radio while a tiny wheeled robot drives cheerfully across the martian surface.))\nFirst scientist: Eleven years, wow.\nSecond scientist: Wasn\u0027t the original mission 90 days?\nFirst scientist: This is starting to get weird.\n\n((The year is 2023. Two nerds hunker over a sleek computer.))\nFirst nerd: The battery is totally disconnected. How can it still be moving??\nSecond nerd: Given what it did to the mars 2020 rover, we may never know.\n\n((The year is 2450. A planetary administrator stands with their child on a martian plateau, with a good view of a small city, some flying cars, and even some pyramids!))\nAdministrative god-king: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.\nFuture despoiler of worlds: What\u0027s that dark area?\nAdministrative god-king: That is Opportunity\u0027s half of the planet. We must never go there.\n\n\n{{Title text: We all remember those famous first words spoken by an astronaut on the surface of Mars: \"That\u0027s one small step fo- HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT IT\u0027S GOT SOME KIND OF DRILL! Get back to the ... [unintelligible] ... [signal lost]\"}}", "alt": "We all remember those famous first words spoken by an astronaut on the surface of Mars: \"That\u0027s one small step fo- HOLY SHIT LOOK OUT IT\u0027S GOT SOME KIND OF DRILL! Get back to the ... [unintelligible] ... [signal lost]\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/opportunity.png", "title": "Opportunity", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1505, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ontological Argument", "transcript": "((Two characters walk along, deep in thought. The world around them is devoid of form))\nCharacter: But wouldn\u0027t a god who could find a flaw in the ontological argument be even greater?\n\n{{Title text: A God who holds the world record for eating the most skateboards is greater than a God who does not hold that record.}}", "alt": "A God who holds the world record for eating the most skateboards is greater than a God who does not hold that record.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ontological_argument.png", "title": "Ontological Argument", "day": "30" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1506, "link": "//xkcd.com/1506/", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcloud", "transcript": "{{Title text: }}\n[[Randall monologues behind his official XKCD desk.]]\nRandall: We\u0027ve made a huge mistake.\n\nRandall: I figured starting a cloud services company would be EASY. After all, I\u0027ve got TONS of computers!\n[[Randall gestures to a mound of various and sundry mini computers, from a lowly Commodore to a large Alienware.]]\n\n[[Close zoom on Randall\u0027s featureless oval face.]]\nRandall: Facebook, twitter, tumblr - they all struggle to protect privacy and user data.\nRandall: And we offered a solution.\nRandall: I forget what it was, though.\n\n[[Wide zoom to Randall waving his arms in a conciliatory manner.]]\nRandall: Anyway, long story short, we screwed up IMMEDIATELY and lost TONS of their data.\nRandall: Also a bunch of stuff is literally on fire?\n\n[[Randall is back behind the desk.]]\nRandall: We can fix this. But we need your help.\n\nLarge red banner: Help us recover user data before facebook \u0026 co notice we lost it.", "alt": "", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcloud.png", "title": "xkcloud", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "", "post": "\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"/1506/main.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "1" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1507, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Metaball", "transcript": "[[A character kicks a soccer ball at an upward angle]]\n\n[[A soccer ball falls down towards a basketball hoop. A character reaches upwards to block it, while another character ineffectually waggles their arm.]]\nOff-panel: OUT!\n\n[[Another panel]]\nOff-panel: What do MEAN, out?!\nReferee: The ball clipped the corner of the baseball zone. Infield fly rule.\nOff-panel: Aw, maaan...\n\n{{Title text: Shoot, it landed in the golf course. Gonna be hard to get it down the--oh, never mind, it rolled onto the ice hazard. Face-off!}}", "alt": "Shoot, it landed in the golf course. Gonna be hard to get it down the--oh, never mind, it rolled onto the ice hazard. Face-off!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/metaball.png", "title": "Metaball", "day": "3" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1508, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Operating Systems", "transcript": "[[A timeline comic.]]\nTitle: Operating systems running in my house.\n\nIn 1985, begins running MS DOS.\nIn 1993, begins running Windows.\nIn 1994, begins running Mac OS.\nIn 1998, stops running MS DOS.\nIn 2000, starts running Linux\nIn 2001, stops running Mac OS.\nIn 2007, stops running Windows.\nIn 2009, starts running OSX and Android.\nIn 2013, starts running iOS.\n\n\"Now\" is marked as 2015.\n\nIn 2016, stops running Android.\nIn 2018, stops running Linux, starts running SOMETHING.JS\nIn 2019, iOS and OSX merge into one.\nIn 2023, starts running Tinder OS.\nIn 2024, stops running OSX and starts running NEST.\nIn 2028, stops running SOMETHING.JS and starts running Elon Musk Project.\nIn 2029, stops running Tinder OS and starts running DOS, but ironically.\nIn 2032, stops running NEST.\nIn 2034, starts running Blood DRone.\nIn 2036, stops running DOS, but ironically.\nIn 2041, stops running Blood Drone and Elon Musk Project as HUMAN CIVILIZATION ENDS IN FIRE.\n\nIn 2059, starts running GNU\nHURD.\n\n{{Title text: One of the survivors, poking around in the ruins with the point of a spear, uncovers a singed photo of Richard Stallman. They stare in silence. \"This,\" one of them finally says, \"This is a man who BELIEVED in something.\"}}", "alt": "One of the survivors, poking around in the ruins with the point of a spear, uncovers a singed photo of Richard Stallman. They stare in silence. \"This,\" one of them finally says, \"This is a man who BELIEVED in something.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/operating_systems.png", "title": "Operating Systems", "day": "6" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1509, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1509/large/", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scenery Cheat Sheet", "transcript": "[[Title: scenery cheat sheet. Subtile: A cheat sheet for figuring out where in the us you are by recognizing the background from movies (for use by geoguessr players and crash-landed astronauts)]]\n[[A map of the US with labels. Some fans have completely dissected the joke for you http:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1509 ]]\nhttp:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1509\n\n{{Title text: At the boundary between each zone, stories blend together. Somewhere in the New Mexico desert, the Roadrunner is pursued by a tireless Anton Chigurh.}}", "alt": "At the boundary between each zone, stories blend together. Somewhere in the New Mexico desert, the Roadrunner is pursued by a tireless Anton Chigurh.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scenery_cheat_sheet.png", "title": "Scenery Cheat Sheet", "day": "8" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1510, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Napoleon", "transcript": "[[Two musketeers present a handcuffed Napoleon to a magistrate.]]\nSoldiers: This is Napoleon. He tried to take over the world.\nMagistrate: Exile him to Elba!\n\n[[Three musketeers present a somewhat dirty, handcuffed and shackled Napoleon to a magistrate.]]\nSoldiers: It\u0027s us again. Napoleon escaped from Elba and tried to conquer the world. Again.\nMagistrate: Send him someplace truly remote, like Saint Helena.\nSoldiers: Yes, sir.\n\nSeveral years later...\n[[Six musketeers present a dripping wet, handcuffed and shackled Napoleon, with an octopus on his head, to a magistrate.]]\nSoldiers: Well, he swam back.\nMagistrate stands and gestures to the skies imperiously.\nMagistrate: We must mount an expedition to the south pole, where we will encase Napoleon in the antarctic ice!\n\nA century later...\n[[THE PRESIDENT stands behind a podium. Behind him stands a very dirty, handcuffed, shackled, splinted napoleon with icicles dripping off his hat.]]\nPresident: We choose to go to the moon, not because it is easy...\n\n{{Title text: \"Mr. President, what if the unthinkable happens? What if the launch goes wrong, and Napoleon is not stranded on the Moon?\" \"Have Safire write up a speech.\"}}", "alt": "\"Mr. President, what if the unthinkable happens? What if the launch goes wrong, and Napoleon is not stranded on the Moon?\" \"Have Safire write up a speech.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/napoleon.png", "title": "Napoleon", "day": "10" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1511, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Spice Girl", "transcript": "[[A windowless room littered with debris: a door on the left is barred shut and also being held shut by a terrified figure. In the center of a room is a large armored box. On the side of the box away from the door, a figure is crouched down, calmly loading a weapon.]]\n[[A CRUEL INTERLOPER, external to the scene and room, pounds on the door and shouts at the two figures in our sight.]]\nTerrified figure: WHICH SPICE GIRL ARE YOU?! The merciful one, or the one who started this war?\n\nCaption: When I see those quiz titles, I like to imagine they\u0027re being shouted through a door in a postapocalyptic dystopia.\n\n{{Title text: Haha, you\u0027ll see!}}", "alt": "Haha, you\u0027ll see!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spice_girl.png", "title": "Spice Girl", "day": "13" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1512, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Horoscopes", "transcript": "Horoscopes with an actual basis in fact.\n\nAries: You may have been conceived after a 4th of July Fireworks show\nTaurus: You may have been concieved on a hot August day\nGemini: You may have been concieved as the leaves began to chance\nCancer: You may have been concieved by people trying on costumes\nLeo: You may have been concieved during thanksgiving\nVirgo: You may have been concieved while a christmas song played\nLibra: You may have been concieved after a new year\u0027s eve party\nScorpio: You may have been concieved by people stuck inside after a long winter\nSagittarius: You may have been concieved during march madness\nCapricorn: You may have been concieved during a sexy easter egg hunt\nAquarius: You may have been concieved on mother\u0027s day\nPisces:: You may have been concieved at someone\u0027s wedding\n\n{{Title text: If you live in the Northern hemisphere, anyway. In the southern hemisphere, due to the coriolis effect, babies are born nine months BEFORE they\u0027re conceived.}}", "alt": "If you live in the Northern hemisphere, anyway. In the southern hemisphere, due to the coriolis effect, babies are born nine months BEFORE they\u0027re conceived.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/horoscopes.png", "title": "Horoscopes", "day": "15" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1513, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Code Quality", "transcript": "[[An AMATEUR CODER excitedly gestures a PRO CODER towards a laptop computer on a desk.]]\nAmateur: Keep in mind that I\u0027m self-taught, so my code may be a little messy.\nPro: Lemme see, I\u0027m sure it\u0027s fine.\n\n[[PRO CODER sits at the desk, clacking at the laptop.]]\nPro: Wow. This is like being in a house built by a child using nothing but a hatchet and a picture of a house.\n\n[[PRO CODER leans forward, slightly engrossed.]]\nPro: It\u0027s like a salad recipe written by a corporate lawyer using a phone autocorrect that only knew excel formulas.\n\n[[PRO CODER leans back, slightly horrified.]]\nPro: It\u0027s like someone took a transcript of a couple arguing at ikea and made random edits until it compiled without errors.\nAmateur: OKAY I will read a style guide.\n\n{{Title text: I honestly didn\u0027t think you could even USE emoji in variable names. Or that there were so many different crying ones.}}", "alt": "I honestly didn\u0027t think you could even USE emoji in variable names. Or that there were so many different crying ones.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/code_quality.png", "title": "Code Quality", "day": "17" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1514, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "PermaCal", "transcript": "[[Two figures converse]]\nFirst: What day is it?\nSecond: Sunday the nineteenth.\nFirst: But you said it was the nineteenth yesterday.\nSecond. It changed AGAIN? Crap, better add another leap day.\n\nCaption: My new simplified calendar system assumes the date never changes, then corrects any drift via leap days.\n\n{{Title text: The flood of PermaCalNTP leap-second notifications was bad enough, but when people started asking for millisecond resolution, the resulting DDOS brought down the internet.}}", "alt": "The flood of PermaCalNTP leap-second notifications was bad enough, but when people started asking for millisecond resolution, the resulting DDOS brought down the internet.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/permacal.png", "title": "PermaCal", "day": "20" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1515, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Basketball Earth", "transcript": "[[This comic consists of four rows of four panels each.]]\n[[First row.]]\n[[A presenter gestures at a hovering model of our planet.]]\nPresenter: IF the earth were the size of a basketball,\n\n[[Presenter gestures at hovering model of earth\u0027s moon.]]\nPresenter: The moon would be--\n[[Blackhat enters]]\nBlackhat: Hey, cool!\n\n[[Blackhat begins touching the earth]]\nPresenter: Um.\n\n[[A massive tsunami hundreds of feet tall dwarfs a coastal city. Screams are heard.]]\nThe earth\u0027s inhabitants: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA\n\n[[Second row.]]\n[[Presenter gestures at a hovering model of our planet.]]\nPresenter: Let\u0027s try that again. If the earth were the size of a basketball,\n\n[[Presenter gestures at hovering model of earth\u0027s moon.]]\nPresenter: The moon would be--\n[[Lady enters, carrying squirt bottle]]\n\n[[Lady squirts earth model with water.]]\n\n[[The earth is completely covered in water, and very wet. The lady leaves.]]\n\n[[Third row]]\n[[Presenter gestures at a hovering model of our planet.]]\nPresenter: If the earth were the size of a basketball,\n\n[[Presenter gestures at hovering model of earth\u0027s moon.]]\nPresenter: The moon would...\n[[A cat enters]]\n\n[[The cat leaps towards the earth]]\n\n[[The cat rolls away with the earth, purring]]\n\n[[Fourth row]]\n[[Presenter gestures at a hovering model of our planet.]]\nPresenter: If the earth were the size of a basketball,\n\n[[Presenter gestures at hovering model of earth\u0027s moon.]]\nPresenter: The moon would, uh...\n[[A basketball player enters]]\n\n[[The player grabs the earth model]]\n\n[[The player leaps towards a basketball hoop, clearly intending to dunk the earth.]]\n\n{{Title text: How many points do you get for dunking every basketball in existence at once?}}", "alt": "How many points do you get for dunking every basketball in existence at once?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/basketball_earth.png", "title": "Basketball Earth", "day": "22" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1516, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Win by Induction", "transcript": "[[This will not make sense if you do not know what Pokemon is.]]\n[[A seemingly infite row of Pikachu stands, each next to an open pokéball. The pokemon on the end of the row, nearest to the trainers, has a closed pokéball.]]\nPikachu: Pikachu, I choose YOU!\n\n[[There are two trainers. One has an open pokéball. The other is staring at their watch.]]\n\n{{Title text: This would be bad enough, but every 30th or 40th pokéball has TWO of them inside.}}", "alt": "This would be bad enough, but every 30th or 40th pokéball has TWO of them inside.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/win_by_induction.png", "title": "Win by Induction", "day": "24" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1517, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Spectroscopy", "transcript": "[[A large white planet fills the void of space, orbited by a tiny moon.]]\nMusical overture: I watch the sunlight\n\n[[The planet is eclipsed by its moon]]\nMusical overture: dance across your face\n\n[[A graph is here. There is a spike. It is labeled OXYGEN.]]\nMusical overture: I can see you breathe\n\nThree panel caption: Faith hill on exoplanet spectroscopy\n\n{{Title text: Although right now I\u0027m more excited about ESPRESSO\u0027s radial velocity measurements, so I\u0027m listening to This Kiss, her song about measuring \"centrifugal motion\" on \"a rooftop under the sky\".}}", "alt": "Although right now I\u0027m more excited about ESPRESSO\u0027s radial velocity measurements, so I\u0027m listening to This Kiss, her song about measuring \"centrifugal motion\" on \"a rooftop under the sky\".", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spectroscopy.png", "title": "Spectroscopy", "day": "27" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1518, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Typical Morning Routine", "transcript": "[[Darkness.]]\n\u003c\u003cBLEEP BLEEP\u003e\u003e\nPerson 1: Urgh.\nPerson 2: Your alarm is going off.\nPerson 1: Huh?\nPerson 2: Make it stop.\nPerson 1: Urrgh.\n\n[[Still darkness.]]\n\u003c\u003cBLEEPEEP BLEEP BLEEP B\u003e\u003e\nPerson 2: Hit snooze.\nPerson 1: I\u0027m \ntrying.\n I closed the alarm app and I can\u0027t... I\u0027ll just pop out the battery. \nwhoops!\n\n\u003c\u003cCLANG\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The light is on. Person one looks over the edge of the bed to see the vent on the floor is open.]]\n\u003c\u003cEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLE\u003e\u003e\nPerson 2: Make it stop!\nPerson 1: It... fell down the vent.\n\n[[Person 1 types on their laptop.]]\n\u003c\u003cEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLE\u003e\u003e\nPerson 2: Can you brick it remotely?\nPerson 1: Trying... I think I fumbled it into airplane mode?\nPerson 2: The battery could last for weeks.\nPerson 1: You know, maybe we should just move.\n\n{{Title text: Hang on, I\u0027ve heard this problem. We need to pour water into the duct until the phone floats up and ... wait, phones sink in water. Mercury. We need a vat of mercury to pour down the vent. That will definitely make this situation better and not worse.}}", "alt": "Hang on, I\u0027ve heard this problem. We need to pour water into the duct until the phone floats up and ... wait, phones sink in water. Mercury. We need a vat of mercury to pour down the vent. That will definitely make this situation better and not worse.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/typical_morning_routine.png", "title": "Typical Morning Routine", "day": "29" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1519, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Venus", "transcript": "[[A teacher holding a pointer stands in front of a backdrop of a lush, coastal field filled with flower and greenhouses.]]\nTeacher: Venus was once temperate. It had seas and rivers, and Venusians cultivated vast fields of beautiful flowers.\n\n[[The backdrop is now a shot of an earth-like Venus seen from space, with greenhouses flying rapidly away from it.]]\nTeacher: Until their greenhouses fled the planet due to the runaway greenhouse effect.\n\n[[A little girl is seen sitting at a desk, listening to the teacher speak.]]\nTeacher: The Venusians pursued their greenhouses to Earth, settling in the Netherlands and kickstarting the Dutch floral industry. Any questions?\n\n[[A close-up on the teacher\u0027s profile, the student is out of panel.]]\nStudent: Because you\u0027re retiring in a month, do you just not care what you say anymore? \nTeacher: \nWHAT?!\n I \nRIDE THE SKIES\n atop a screaming bird of truth! Also, yes, I do not. \n\n{{Title text: The sudden introduction of Venusian flowers led to an explosive growth of unusual Earth pollinators, which became known as the \"butterfly effect.\"}}", "alt": "The sudden introduction of Venusian flowers led to an explosive growth of unusual Earth pollinators, which became known as the \"butterfly effect.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/venus.png", "title": "Venus", "day": "1" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1520, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Degree-Off", "transcript": "[[A gameshow setting. Three figures stand behind podiums labeled PHYS, BIO, and CHEM, in front of an announcer.]]\nAnnouncer: Welcome to the DEGREE OFF, where we determine which field is the best! Physics, wanna go first?\nPhysics: Sure! I\u0027d like to tell the story of Richard Feynman\u0027s manhattan project lockpicking pranks..\n\nPhysics: ..and as he said \"All science is either physics or stamp collecting.\" Thank you.\nAnnouncer: Great! Bio, you wanna go next?\nBiology: Okay.\n\n[[A graph appears displaying numbers falling from eight hundred per one hundred thousand, to less than a hundred per one hundred thousand, over the last century.]]\nBiology:This is a graph of the death rate from infectious disease in this country.\n\n[[BIO raises fist emphatically]]\nBiology: The heroes of my field have SLAIN one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.\n\n[[BIO points finger at PHYS]]\nBiology: While the heroes of YOUR field gathered in the desert to create a new one.\n\nPhysics: ...jeez, what the hell? I thought this was supposed to be fun and lighthearted!\nBiology: YOU MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING OF STAMP COLLECTING.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027M SORRY, FROM YOUR YEARS OF CONDESCENDING TOWARD THE \u0027SQUISHY SCIENCES\u0027, I ASSUMED YOU\u0027D BE A LITTLE HARDER.}}", "alt": "I\u0027M SORRY, FROM YOUR YEARS OF CONDESCENDING TOWARD THE \u0027SQUISHY SCIENCES\u0027, I ASSUMED YOU\u0027D BE A LITTLE HARDER.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/degree_off.png", "title": "Degree-Off", "day": "4" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1521, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sword in the Stone", "transcript": "[[A figure approaches a sword sticking out of a rock. They grab it, tussle a bit, then successfully wrest it from its crevice. Angelic trumpets sound.]]\nAethereal voice from above: THE THRONE OF ENGLAND IS YOURS\n\n[[Figure pulls out smartphone]]\nSmartphone: Wikipedia. England.\n\n[[Figure stares at smartphone a bit, pokes sword back into stone.]]\n\n{{Title text: That seems like an awful lot of hassle when all I wanted was a cool sword.}}", "alt": "That seems like an awful lot of hassle when all I wanted was a cool sword.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sword_in_the_stone.png", "title": "Sword in the Stone", "day": "6" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1522, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Astronomy", "transcript": "[[A figure is staring through a large telescope pointed towards the heavens. A canvas of thousands of stars fills the sky.]]\n\n[[A figure in a beret walks up with a ladder and a magnifying glass. The astronomer continues to gaze into the optic, unfailingly alert.]]\n\n[[The figure sets up and steadies the ladder as the astronomer continues to observe through the scope.]]\n\n[[Beret figure climbs the ladder, looks at the stars through the magnifying glass. The astronomer remains completely unmoved.]]\n\n{{Title text: Astrobiology is held back by the fact that we\u0027re all too nervous to try to balance on the ladder while holding an expensive microscope.}}", "alt": "Astrobiology is held back by the fact that we\u0027re all too nervous to try to balance on the ladder while holding an expensive microscope.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/astronomy.png", "title": "Astronomy", "day": "8" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1523, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Microdrones", "transcript": "[[Two figures. One is standing, one is sitting at a desk with a laptop computer.]]\nStanding: So how do we regulate all these micro drones? I mean, amazon delivery bots sound cool...\n\n[[Standing figure is suddenly surrounded by tiny robots.]]\nStanding: But I worry that overnight we\u0027ll realize we\u0027re surrounded by these things, no one will know who\u0027s controlling them, and then BAM, sci-fi dystopia.\n\n[[Standing figure is back next to sitting figure. Sitting figure turns their full attention to standing figure.]]\nSitting: If you wanna slow it down, why not just remove all regulations, but then make drone theft legal?\n\n[[Standing figure, ponders while sitting figure returns to the laptop.]]\nStanding: ...I LIKE that.\nSitting: You write to congress. I\u0027ll stock up on butterfly nets.\n\n{{Title text: Oh, weird, Amazon is out of butterfly nets.}}", "alt": "Oh, weird, Amazon is out of butterfly nets.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/microdrones.png", "title": "Microdrones", "day": "11" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1524, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dimensions", "transcript": "[[Two figures sit beneath a tree in a meadow]]\nFigure: Of the four dimensions I could have spent my life being pushed inexorably forward through, I guess \"Time\" isn\u0027t the worst.\n\n{{Title text: I would say time is definitely one of my top three favorite dimensions.}}", "alt": "I would say time is definitely one of my top three favorite dimensions.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dimensions.png", "title": "Dimensions", "day": "13" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1525, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1525/", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Emojic 8 Ball", "transcript": "EMOJIC 8 BALL\n[[A text box where you can enter a question, with a default question of \u0027How will I die?, and an \u0027ASK\u0027 button underneath. Below is a drawing of a \u0027magic 8 ball\u0027 toy, and in the center a white triangle comes up with 1-3 random emojis.]]\n\n{{(No alt-text.)}}\n", "alt": "", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/emojic_8_ball.png", "title": "Emojic 8 Ball", "extra_parts": { "headerextra": "\n\u003clink rel=\"stylesheet\" type=\"text/css\" href=\"/1525/emojic8.css\" title=\"Default\"/\u003e\n", "inset": " \n \u003cimg src=\"/1525/bg.png\"\u003e\n \u003cform id=\"emoji-ball\" class=\"dark\"\u003e\n \u003cinput type=\"text\" placeholder=\"How will I die?\" id=\"ball-question\"/\u003e\n \u003cinput type=\"submit\" id=\"ball-ask\" value=\"Ask\"/\u003e\n \u003cdiv class=\"ball\"\u003e\n \u003cdiv class=\"ball-cover\"\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\n \u003cdiv class=\"shading\"\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\n \u003cdiv id=\"ball-answer\"\u003e\u003cdiv class=\"text\"\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\n \u003c/div\u003e\n \u003c/form\u003e\n \u003cdiv id=\"emoji-link\"\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\n \u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"/1525/emojic8.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n" }, "day": "15" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1526, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Placebo Blocker", "transcript": "[[Two figures, one is monologuing]]\nFigure: Some reasearchers(hall et al, doi: 10.1015\nmolmed 2015 02 009) are starting to figure out the mechanism behind the placebo effect. \nWe\u0027ve used their work to create a new drug: a placebo effect blocker.\nNow we just need to run a trial! We\u0027ll get two groups, give them both placebos, then give one the real placebo blocker, and the other a... wait...\n\n[[A panel where nothing is said]]\n\nAudience: My head hurts.\nFigure: Mine too. Here, want a sugar pill?\n\n{{Title text: They work even better if you take them with our experimental placebo booster, which I keep in the same bottle.}}", "alt": "They work even better if you take them with our experimental placebo booster, which I keep in the same bottle.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/placebo_blocker.png", "title": "Placebo Blocker", "day": "18" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1527, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Humans", "transcript": "[[Two hovering robots have an amiable chat]]\nUNIT ONE: You know, new research suggests ancient human kings and queens were covered in colorful fabric.\n\nUNIT TWO: Ugh, I like MOVIE humans more. Screaming pink warriors with metal crowns poking through the skin on their heads!\nNow they\u0027re, what, big pillows?\nScience ruins everything.\n\n{{Title text: At this point, if we\u0027re going to keep insisting on portraying dinosaurs as featherless because it\u0027s \"cooler\", it\u0027s time to apply that same logic to art involving bald eagles.}}", "alt": "At this point, if we\u0027re going to keep insisting on portraying dinosaurs as featherless because it\u0027s \"cooler\", it\u0027s time to apply that same logic to art involving bald eagles.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/humans.png", "title": "Humans", "day": "20" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1528, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Vodka", "transcript": "[[Two figures sit at a table. One is IMBIBING from a large BOTTLE. The other is cradling what could be a cup of coffee, or a squarish bomb, or even a boxy of custom size condoms.\n\nIMBIBER: Maybe this is the vodka talking, but:\nHI! I\u0027M MADE FROM POTATOES!\n\n{{Title text: Or whatever\u0027s handy! I\u0027m pretty much pure alcohol and water, so it doesn\u0027t really matter!}}", "alt": "Or whatever\u0027s handy! I\u0027m pretty much pure alcohol and water, so it doesn\u0027t really matter!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/vodka.png", "title": "Vodka", "day": "22" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1529, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bracket", "transcript": "[[What follows is a bunch of names, all in an ULTIMATE SINGLE ELIMINATION BRACKET, like one might see for SPORTS like BATTLEBOTS or MARCH MADNESS.]]\n\n[[on the left side]]\nLouis armstrong\nneil armstrong\nlance armstrong\nstretch armstrong\n\njeff gordon\njeff bridges\njeff daniels\njack daniels\n\norson welles\nh.g. wells\ngeorge orwell\nwells fargo\n\nkurt russell\nrussell brand\nrussell crowe\nrussell simmons\nrichard simmons\ngene simmons\ngene hackman\nhugh jackman\nalan rickman\nalan parsons\nalan partridge\n\njenny mccarthy\njoseph mccarthy\neugene mccarthy\neugene v.debs\ngene wilder\nolivia wilde\noscar wilde\noscar de la renta\noscar de la hoya\n\njack nicklaus\njack nicholson\nphil mickelson\nnicholas nickleby\n\nryan adams\nbryan adams\n\nchubby checker\nfats domino\n\ncolin firth\ncolin farrell\nwill ferrell\nthe farrelly brothers\n\njoseph gordon-levitt\njennifer love hewitt\n\ndanny glover\ndonald glover\ndonnie wahlberg\nmark wahlberg\nmark ruffalo\nmark shuttleworth\n\n[[on the right side]]\nphilip pullman\nbill pullman\nbill paxton\nbill murray\ndan aykroyd\n\nginger rogers\nmister\nfred astaire\nrogers\nmister spock\ndoctor spock\ndoctor octopus\ndoctor manhattan\ndoctor strangelove\ndoctor strnage\ndr. no\nthe doctor\ncory doctorow\n\njerry lee lewis\njerry lewis\njenny lewis\nxeni jardin\n\nchris evans\nchris hemsworth\nchris pine\nchris pratt\n\nshallots\nscallops\nscallions\n\nsioxsie sioux\nsuzanne vega\n\ntom arnold\narnold palmer\namanda palmer\n\nwes craven\nwes anderson\npaul thomas anderson\npoul anderson\n\nsir walter scott\nsir walter raleigh\nsir francis drake\nfrank drake\ndrake\n\nvan halen\nvan morrison\nvan wilder\nrobert van winkle\nrip van winkle\nrip torn\nnatalie imbruglia\n\nthe body shop\nbath and body works\nbed bath and beyond\nbeyond thunderdome\nbeyoncé\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m staring at the \"doctor\" section, and I can\u0027t help but feel like I\u0027ve forgotten someone.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m staring at the \"doctor\" section, and I can\u0027t help but feel like I\u0027ve forgotten someone.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bracket.png", "title": "Bracket", "day": "25" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1530, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Keyboard Mash", "transcript": "[[A person walks toward their computer desk as the screen indicates \"new chat message.\"]]\n\n[[The screen shows a text conversation (where lines are contained in speech bubble boxes) between White Hat Guy and the first person.]]\n\nWHG: Can\u0027t sleep. Stupid dogs keep barking.\n FJAFJKLDWSKF7JKFDJ\n\nFP: Ugh, I\u0027m sorry. Maybe you could...\n ...OK, wait. I have to ask. \n How did you hit a \"7\" in the middle there?\n\nWHG: Huh?\n I was just randomly keyboard mashing.\n\nFP: Sorry, right.\n\nWHG: Anyway,\n\nFP: ...I know this is silly, but like... all your hands were clearly on the home row.\n I don\u0027t get how one finger could have stretched up to the \"7.\"\n\nWHG: Why do you always fixate on these bizarre details?\n\nFG: I don\u0027t know.\n Sorry.\n\nWHG: It\u0027s weird, is all.\n \n[[A giant spider dangles from the ceiling, typing at a laptop on a desk, while White Hat Guy is suspended upside down, wrapped in spider thread. The chair lies on the floor on its side. The conversation continues on the computer.]]\nSpider:I am a normal human typing with my human hands.\nFP: Yeah, of course. \n I know.\n((MMM!! MMPH!!!))\n \n{{Title text: WHY DON\u0027T YOU COME HANG OUT INSIDE MY HOUSE. WE CAN COOK BREAD AND CHAT ABOUT OUR INTERNAL SKELETONS.}}", "alt": "WHY DON\u0027T YOU COME HANG OUT INSIDE MY HOUSE. WE CAN COOK BREAD AND CHAT ABOUT OUR INTERNAL SKELETONS.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/keyboard_mash.png", "title": "Keyboard Mash", "day": "27" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1531, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "The BDLPSWDKS Effect", "transcript": "[[A person with a ponytail stands in front of a projector screen with an image of a speeding firetruck hurtling toward a person on it. They hold a pointer, and indicate towards the image.]]\nPonytail: The Bernoulli-Dopper-Leidenfrost-Peltzman-Sapir-Whorf-Dunning-Kruger-Stroop Effect states that if a speeding fire truck lifts off and hurtles toward you on a layer of superheated gas, you\u0027ll dive out of the way faster if the driver screams \"RED!\" in a \nnon\n-tonal language that \nhas\n a word for \"firefighter\" than if they scream \"GREEN!\" in a \ntonal\n language with \nno\n word for \"firefighter\" which you \nthink\n you\u0027re fluent in but \naren\u0027t.\n\n{{Title text: This well-known effect has of course been replicated in countless experiments.}}", "alt": "This well-known effect has of course been replicated in countless experiments.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_bdlpswdks_effect.png", "title": "The BDLPSWDKS Effect", "day": "29" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1532, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "New Horizons", "transcript": "[[Two people stand at a mission control terminal.]]\nOne: We made it! After all these years, \nNew Horizons\n is finally revealing the surface of Pluto!\nTwo: Take \nthat\n, \nDawn\n team.\n\n[[On the black screen, a small grayish circle appears.]]\n\n[[It grows slightly larger, and a differentiation of colors can be seen, white and gray.]]\n\n[[Larger still, now landmasses and water are visible.]]\n\n[[It is now large enough to see that we are looking at the Earth, with Africa, Europe, and some of Asia visible.]]\n\n[[One person is still looking at the screen while the other is walking away.]]\nOne: Ok, who did the calculations for the Jupiter slingshot maneuver?\nTwo: \nDammit, Steve...\n\n\n{{Title text: Last-minute course change: Let\u0027s see if we can hit Steve\u0027s house.}}", "alt": "Last-minute course change: Let\u0027s see if we can hit Steve\u0027s house.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/new_horizons.png", "title": "New Horizons", "day": "1" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1533, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Antique Factory", "transcript": "[[White Beret Guy is walking off, carrying a briefcase.]]\nWBG: Gotta go - I\u0027m late for work.\nOff-screen: Oh, where are you working now?\nWBG: Antique factory!\n\n[[White Beret Guy arrives at his office, where he pulls out his chair from his desk.]]\n\n[[He sits at his table and waits.]]\n\n[[And waits.]]\n{{Title text: WARNING: This item was aged by the same inexorable passage of time that also processes nuts.}}", "alt": "WARNING: This item was aged by the same inexorable passage of time that also processes nuts.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/antique_factory.png", "title": "Antique Factory", "day": "3" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1534, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Beer", "transcript": "[[Two people stand at an open refrigerator.]]\n1: What do you drink? Stouts? Lagers?\n2: Uh, anything\u0027s fine.\n\n[[Person 1 is drinking from a bottle while Person 2 holds his in his hand.]]\n2: ...do you ever think maybe we should just admit that all beer tastes kind of bad and everyone\u0027s just pretending?\n\n[[Person 2 drinks from his bottle and Person 1 holds his.]]\n1: Man, you are no fun at all.\n2: Ok, got it. Not a word.\n1: Dude, if you don\u0027t like it, don\u0027t drink it.\n2: No, no, gotta do my part! - Mmmmm!!!\n\n{{Title text: Mmmm, this is such a positive experience! I feel no social pressure to enjoy it at all!}}", "alt": "Mmmm, this is such a positive experience! I feel no social pressure to enjoy it at all!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/beer.png", "title": "Beer", "day": "5" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1535, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Words for Pets", "transcript": "[[This comic uses a series of venn diagrams to show \"Words I use to refer to a pet over the years that I live with\"]]\n\nFirst year: Primarily the pet\u0027s name, and sometimes words related to the pet.\n\nSecond year: Primarily words related to the pet, and sometimes the pets name or coherent words of any kind.\n\nThird year: Words related to the pet, or coherent words of any kind, and sometimes not even that.\n\nFourth year onward: Terms which do not belong in any of the aforementioned categories.\n\n{{Title text: Seventh year: Perfectly coherent words, but in the pet\u0027s language, not mine.}}", "alt": "Seventh year: Perfectly coherent words, but in the pet\u0027s language, not mine.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/words_for_pets.png", "title": "Words for Pets", "day": "8" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1536, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Martian", "transcript": "[[White Hat Guy comes up behind Stickman while he is sitting at a desk looking at a laptop.]]\nSM: Ooh, trailer for \nThe Martian\n! \nWHG: What\u0027s that?\nSM: Movie of a book I liked.\nWHG: Should I read it?\n\n[[Stickman turns around in his chair to face White Hat Guy.]]\nSM: Depends. You know the scene in Apollo 13 where the guy says \"we have to figure out how to connect \nthis\n thing to \nthis\n thing using \nthis\n table full of parts or the astronauts will all die?\"\nWHG: Yeah?\n\n[[Stickman turns back to the laptop.]]\nSM: \nThe Martian\n is for people who wish the whole movie had just been more of that scene.\nWHG: How on earth did \nthat\n become a big-budget thing with Matt Damon?\nSM: No idea, but I\u0027m \nso\n excited.\n\n{{Title text: I have never seen a work of fiction so perfectly capture the out-of-nowhere shock of discovering that you\u0027ve just bricked something important because you didn\u0027t pay enough attention to a loose wire.}}", "alt": "I have never seen a work of fiction so perfectly capture the out-of-nowhere shock of discovering that you\u0027ve just bricked something important because you didn\u0027t pay enough attention to a loose wire.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_martian.png", "title": "The Martian", "day": "10" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1537, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Types", "transcript": "My new language is great, but it has a few quirks regarding type:\n[[Gray and white type on a black background.]]\n [1]\u003e 2 + \"2\"\n =\u003e \"4\"\n [2]\u003e \"2\" + [ ]\n =\u003e \"[2]}\n [3] (2\n0)\n =\u003e NaN\n [4]\u003e (2\n0)+2\n =\u003e NaP\n [5]\u003e \"\"+\"\"\n =\u003e \u0027\"+\"\u0027\n [6]\u003e [1,2,3] + 2\n =\u003e FALSE\n [7]\u003e [1,2,3] +4\n =\u003e TRUE\n [8] 2\n(2-(3\n2 + 1\n2))\n =\u003e NaN.00000000000000013\n [9]\u003e RANGE(\" \")\n =\u003e (\u0027 \" \u0027, \"!\", \" \", \u0027\"\u0027)\n[10]\u003e +2\n =\u003e 12\n[11]\u003e 2+2\n =\u003e DONE\n[14]\u003e RANGE (1,5)\n =\u003e (1,4,3,4,5)\n[13]\u003e FLOOR(10.5)\n =\u003e |\n =\u003e |\n =\u003e |\n =\u003e |___10.5___ \n\n{{Title text: colors.rgb(\"blue\") yields \"#0000FF\". colors.rgb(\"yellowish blue\") yields NaN. colors.sort() yields \"rainbow\"}}", "alt": "colors.rgb(\"blue\") yields \"#0000FF\". colors.rgb(\"yellowish blue\") yields NaN. colors.sort() yields \"rainbow\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/types.png", "title": "Types", "day": "12" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1538, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lyrics", "transcript": "[[A man sits in an easy-chair, while music with indecipherable lyrics plays from a radio behind him.]]\nSometimes I wonder what it would be like to be able to understand song lyrics without looking them up.\n\n{{Title text: To me, trying to understand song lyrics feels like when I see text in a dream but itð° hà¸áµ£d tâ áµ£eâd aà¸d ð¾ canÙt fà¾cu༧༦à¿à¼}}", "alt": "To me, trying to understand song lyrics feels like when I see text in a dream but it𝔰 hอᵣd t₀ ᵣeₐd aกd 𝒾 canٖt fཱྀcu༧༦࿐༄", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lyrics.png", "title": "Lyrics", "day": "15" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1539, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Planning", "transcript": "[[Two people walk along, one with light hair and a ponytail, another with shortish dark hair.]]\nPonytail: Why are people so comfortable handing Google and Facebook all this control over our lives?\nDark hair: I dunno. - Our species built thousands of nuclear weapons, scattered them around the planet, and then moved on to other things. - Maybe it\u0027s best to accept that some of this big-picture planning is just happening on autopilot.\n\n{{Title text: [10 years later] Man, why are people so comfortable handing Google and Facebook control over our nuclear weapons?}}", "alt": "[10 years later] Man, why are people so comfortable handing Google and Facebook control over our nuclear weapons?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/planning.png", "title": "Planning", "day": "17" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1540, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hemingway", "transcript": "Hemingway\u0027s Rough Drafts\n[[A list.]]\nFor Sale: This Gullible Baby\u0027s Shoes\nBaby Shoes For Sale By Owner\n((crossed out))Actually, there\u0027s no evidence Hemingway wrote\nFree Shoes, Provided You Overpower Baby\nFor Sale: Weird Baby\u0027s Toe Shoes\nFor Sale: Baby Shoes ((check mark))Prime Eligible\n((crossed out))Though popularly attributed to Hemingway, the\nThis Weird Trick Covers Baby Feet!\nFor Sale: Baby Shoes, Just Hatched\nSale: Seven-League Boots (expedited shipping)\nComplete This Survey for Free Shoes!\n\nShoes\n, by Ernest Hemingway [citation needed]\n\u003cblink\u003e\u003cmarquee\u003eBaby Shoes!\u003c\nmarquee\u003e\u003c\nblink\u003e\nFor Sale: Baby-sized Saddle, Bobcat\nHemingway Busted for Craigslist Shoe Scam\n\n{{Title text: Instead of bobcat, package contained chair.}}", "alt": "Instead of bobcat, package contained chair.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hemingway.png", "title": "Hemingway", "day": "19" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1541, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Voice", "transcript": "[[Two people, one with dark hair and one with light hair, walking along.]]\nDark hair: Are you doing anything later?\nLight hair: I was th- \nI can only control my voice once every six years. Please, you have to\n -inking of going out, but no real plans.\nDH: ...what was that?\nLH: Haha, what?\n\n{{Title text: Anyway, we should totally go watch a video story or put some food in our normal mouths!}}", "alt": "Anyway, we should totally go watch a video story or put some food in our normal mouths!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/voice.png", "title": "Voice", "day": "22" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1542, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scheduling Conflict", "transcript": "[[A newspaper with the headline: National Scheduling Conflict Championships Canceled. Below the headline is a picture of an empty podium beneath a banner that reads \"NSCC 2015.\"]]\n\n{{Title text: Neither a spokesperson for the organization nor the current world champion could be reached for comment.}}", "alt": "Neither a spokesperson for the organization nor the current world champion could be reached for comment.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scheduling_conflict.png", "title": "Scheduling Conflict", "day": "24" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1543, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Team Effort", "transcript": "[[A person stands on a stage, holding an award. Another person with a ponytail stands behind a podium next to them.]]\nWinner: I\u0027d like to thank my director, my friends and family, and - of course - the writhing mass of gut bacteria inside me. -- I mean, there\u0027s like one or two pints of them in here; their cells outnumber mine! -- Anyway, this was a real team effort.\n\n{{Title text: Given the role they play in every process in my body, really, they deserve this award more than me. Just gotta figure out how to give it to them. Maybe I can cut it into pieces to make it easier to swallow ...}}", "alt": "Given the role they play in every process in my body, really, they deserve this award more than me. Just gotta figure out how to give it to them. Maybe I can cut it into pieces to make it easier to swallow ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/team_effort.png", "title": "Team Effort", "day": "26" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1544, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Margaret", "transcript": "[[A single woman, MARGARET, speaks alone, in the darkness.]]\n\nMargaret: Are you there, god? It\u0027s me, Margaret.\nMargaret: I know you\u0027re listening.\n\n[[Margaret appears larger.]]\nMargaret: Are you scared, god?\nMargaret: Are you?\n\n[[Only her head face is seen now. The lack of expression on her ovoid countenance is truly horrifying.]]\nMargaret: You should be.\n\n[[Silhouetted against the darkness, Margaret stands alone.]]\nMargaret: MARGARET IS COMING FOR YOU.\n\n{{Title text: Otherwise known as Margaret the Destroyer, I will bring pain to the the Great One. Then again, maybe I won\u0027t.}}", "alt": "Otherwise known as Margaret the Destroyer, I will bring pain to the the Great One. Then again, maybe I won\u0027t.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/margaret.png", "title": "Margaret", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1545, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Strengths and Weaknesses", "transcript": "[[Two characters sit at a table, opposite one another. One is an INTERVIEWER, the other an APPLICANT]]\nInterviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?\n\nApplicant: Probably that I\u0027m a giant tangle of parts that don\u0027t always work right, so I can die easily.\n\nInterviewer: Biggest strength?\nApplicant: There will come a day when I\u0027m either an ancesotr to ALL living humans, or to NONE of them.\n\nInterviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?\nApplicant: Probably not the ancestor of all living humans yet. But you never know!\n\n{{Title text: Do you need me to do a quicksort on the whiteboard or produce a generation of offspring or something? It might take me a bit, but I can do it.}}", "alt": "Do you need me to do a quicksort on the whiteboard or produce a generation of offspring or something? It might take me a bit, but I can do it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/strengths_and_weaknesses.png", "title": "Strengths and Weaknesses", "day": "1" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1546, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tamagotchi Hive", "transcript": "TITLE: My hobby.\n[[GRAPHIC: A tree diagram of many tiny ovals.]]\nRunning a massive distributed computing project that simulates trillions and trillions of Tamagotchis and keeps them all constantly fed and happy.\n\n{{Title text: The Singularity happened, but not to us.}}", "alt": "The Singularity happened, but not to us.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tamagotchi_hive.png", "title": "Tamagotchi Hive", "day": "3" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1547, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Solar System Questions", "transcript": "Title: Questions I have about the solar system. Some answered.\n\nWhy is the moon so blotchy?\nAnswer: Lava.\nWhy are all the blotches on the near side?\nDid mars have seas?\nAnswer: Yes, briefly?\nWas their life on mars?\nWhat\u0027s titan like?\nAnswer: Cold, yellow, lakes and rivers (methane)\nWhat was earth like during the hadean?\nIs the oort cloud a real thing?\nWhy is the suns corona so hot?\nAnswer: Something about magnets?\nWhat are comets like?\nAnswer: Precipitous\nWhere\u0027s Philae, exactly?\nWhat\u0027s pluto like?\nAnswer: SOON!\nWhat\u0027s Charon like?\nAnswer: Soon!\nWhy don\u0027t we have in-between-sized planets?\nWhat\u0027s Ceres like?\nAnswer: Working on it!\nWhy is Europa so weird looking and pretty?\nAnswer: Ice over a water ocean\nWhy is IO so weird looking? \nAnswer: Sulfur volcanos.. in the wrong places??\nWhy are so many Kyiper belt objects red?\nWhat are those spots on Ceres?\nWhat\u0027s in the sease under Europa\u0027s ice?\nWhich of the other moons have seas?\nAnswer: Several\nWhat are the big white things in Titans lakes?\nWhat do Jupiter\u0027s clouds look like up close?\nWhat\u0027s all that red stuff in the great red spot?\nWhat\u0027s pushing the pioneer probes? \nAnswer: Heat from the RTG\nWhat pushes spacecraft slightly during flybys?\nWhere are all the sun\u0027s neutrinos?\nAnswer: Oscillating\nWhy is there so much air on Titan?\nWhy does the Kuiper belt stop?\nWhy is Iapetus weird colored?\nWhy does Iapetus have a belt?\nWhat\u0027s the deal with Miranda?\nDid Uranus and Neptune change places?\nDid the late heavy bombardment happen?\nDid life start before it?\nIs Europa covered in ice spikes?\nWhy haven\u0027t we built a big inflatable extreme sports complex on the moon?\n\n{{Title text: My country\u0027s World Cup win was exciting and all, but c\u0027mon, what if the players wore nylon wings and COULD LITERALLY FLY?}}", "alt": "My country\u0027s World Cup win was exciting and all, but c\u0027mon, what if the players wore nylon wings and COULD LITERALLY FLY?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/solar_system_questions.png", "title": "Solar System Questions", "day": "6" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1548, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "90s Kid", "transcript": "[[Two children on a playground]]\nchild: Ugh, don\u0027t you hate how parents are all \"eat your carrots\" and \"lol, remember Rugrats and Doug? Share if you\u0027re a 90\u0027s kid!\"\n\nCaption: The median age at first birth in the US is 25, which means the typical new mother is now a 90\u0027s kid.\n\n{{Title text: We remember Rugrats, and think of them every time our kids look at us through their baby gates.}}", "alt": "We remember Rugrats, and think of them every time our kids look at us through their baby gates.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/90s_kid.png", "title": "90s Kid", "day": "8" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1549, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcd Phone 3", "transcript": "[[A drawing of a phone is shown here. Numerous features are pointed out. It is called THE XKCD PHONE 3, We Made Another One®]]\n\nListing of features:\nBoneless\nEar screen\nHeartbeat accelerator\nMobilePay money clip\nSiri, or whoever it was we put in here\nInstead of being on surface only, screen goes all the way through\nTheknot.com partnership: phone licensed to perform wedding ceremonies and does so at random.\nFingerprint randomizer.\nUSB E (hotswappable)\nWaterproof, but can drown.\nForetold by prophecy\nRuns natively\nWristband\nWireless discharging\nMagnetic stripe\nTwo AA batteries (not included)\n\n{{Title text: If you\u0027re not completely satisfied with the phone after 30 days, we will return you to your home at no cost.}}", "alt": "If you\u0027re not completely satisfied with the phone after 30 days, we will return you to your home at no cost.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_phone_3.png", "title": "xkcd Phone 3", "day": "10" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1550, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Episode VII", "transcript": "[[Movie title: STAR WARS, THE FORCE AWAKENS]]\n\n[[A desolate adobe structure. A sign out front reads TOSCHE STATION]]\n\n[[Hooded jedi \u0026 R2D2 walk into the TOSCHE STATION]]\n\nJEDI: I\u0027m here for those power converters.\n\n[[Closing title: Directed by J J Abrams]]\n\n{{Title text: The Lord of the Rings sequel, set years after the Ring hubbub has died down, is just Samwise discreetly creeping back to Bag End to finish dropping the eaves.}}", "alt": "The Lord of the Rings sequel, set years after the Ring hubbub has died down, is just Samwise discreetly creeping back to Bag End to finish dropping the eaves.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/episode_vii.png", "title": "Episode VII", "day": "13" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1551, "link": "https://www.nasa.gov/feature/new-horizons-spacecraft-displays-pluto-s-big-heart-0", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pluto", "transcript": "Title:PLUTO\nSubtitle: Some of the features already identified in today\u0027s NEW HORIZONS image\n[[What follows is random text labels pointing to random areas of Pluto. I will list them.]]\nCandy shell\nFrontal bone\ngrease stains\nbugs\njpeg plumes\nfull text of the wikipedia article on paridolia\nsnake pit\ntadpole\nmoon bud\nreset button\nthe good part\npluto dinosaur extinction crater\nkuiper beltloops\nmegaman\narea missed during ironing\nhyena country\nborder of pride lands\nheart\ncoronary heart disease\nmount mons\nprobably benign\ndock connector\nvanilla frosting\nchocolate frosting\ndebate hole: where we\u0027re putting all the people still arguing about pluto\u0027s planet status\nplug (inflating\ndeflating)\ncharging socket\ncracks (beginning to hatch)\nserenity\nbullet holes\nnew netherlands\nghost\ndinosaur\ndisputed territory\n\nImage credit: NASA MOTHERFUCKERS\n((Editor\u0027s note: Sorry, I added the \"Motherfuckers\". Not in original comic))\n\n{{Title text: After decades of increasingly confused arguing, Pluto is reclassified as a \"dwarf Pluto.\"}}", "alt": "After decades of increasingly confused arguing, Pluto is reclassified as a \"dwarf Pluto.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pluto.png", "title": "Pluto", "day": "14" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1552, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rulebook", "transcript": "[[Two people are standing on the left, with a dog in a vest with a \u00279\u0027 on its side. Two other people are facing them on the right, one is holding a clipboard.]]\nClipboard: There\u0027s nothing in the rulebook that says we can\u0027t kill and eat your dog.\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s definitely an intentional foul, but we\u0027ve decided it\u0027s worth it.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s definitely an intentional foul, but we\u0027ve decided it\u0027s worth it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rulebook.png", "title": "Rulebook", "day": "17" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1553, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Public Key", "transcript": "[[Character sits alone at a desk.. drifting in an infinite white void..]]\nCharacter, thinking: I\u0027ve been posting my public key for fifteen years now, but no one has ever asked me for it or used it for anything as far as I can tell.\n\n[[A frame of silence.]]\n\n[[Another frame of silence.]]\n\nCharacter, thinking more: Maybe I should try posting my PRIVATE key instead.\n\n{{Title text: I guess I should be signing stuff, but I\u0027ve never been sure what to sign. Maybe if I post my private key, I can crowdsource my decisions about what to sign.}}", "alt": "I guess I should be signing stuff, but I\u0027ve never been sure what to sign. Maybe if I post my private key, I can crowdsource my decisions about what to sign.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/public_key.png", "title": "Public Key", "day": "20" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1554, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Spice Girls", "transcript": "[[Two characters in dialogue]]\n\nQuestioner: your turn. Can you name all the spice girls?\nAnswerer: Hmm. Hearing spice, vision spice, smell spice, touch spice, taste spice?\nQuestioner: That\u0027s senses.\n\nAnswerer: Denial spice, anger spice, bargaining spice, depression spice, acceptance spice.\nQuestioner: Stages of grief.\n\nAnswerer: War spice, famine spice, plague spice, death spice?\nQuestioner: You\u0027re not even trying.\n\nAnswerer: No, wait, I can get this for real. uhh...\nAnswerer: Pog spice, story spice, sarah spice, gender spice, baleen spice?\nQuestioner: ...close enough.\n\n{{Title text: The Earth\u0027s five major mass extinctions were the Posh Extinction, the Sporty Extinction, the Scary Extinction, the Ginger Extinction, and the Baby Extinction.}}", "alt": "The Earth\u0027s five major mass extinctions were the Posh Extinction, the Sporty Extinction, the Scary Extinction, the Ginger Extinction, and the Baby Extinction.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spice_girls.png", "title": "Spice Girls", "day": "22" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1555, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Exoplanet Names 2", "transcript": "[[Title: Exoplanet names 2]]\nNASA has announced the discovery of a (super)earth sized planet in the habitable zone of a sun-like star.\n\nI suggest we name this planet \"pluto\", both to celebrate the great work by the new horizons team, and to make the stupid \"is pluto a planet\" debate a little more confusing.\n\nWhile we wait to hear from the IAU, here\u0027s a revised and updated list of planet name suggestions, see xkcd.com\n1253\n\n[[Full explanation \u0026 dissection \u0026 transcription available http:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1555 ]]\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m going to drive this Netherlands joke so far into the ground they\u0027ll have to build levees around it to keep the sea out.}}", "alt": "I\u0027m going to drive this Netherlands joke so far into the ground they\u0027ll have to build levees around it to keep the sea out.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/exoplanet_names_2.png", "title": "Exoplanet Names 2", "day": "24" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1556, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Sky", "transcript": "[[Two figures stand in front of a glorious skyscape]]\nFigure: I like the sky\nSecond figure: Yeah\n\n[[The CLOUDS are ALIGHT in a GLORIOUS SPECTACLE which eludes description]]\n\nSecond figure: It\u0027s one of my favorite halves.\n\n{{Title text: The other half has some cool shipwrecks, rocks, and snakes, but if you move those out of the way, it also has more sky.}}", "alt": "The other half has some cool shipwrecks, rocks, and snakes, but if you move those out of the way, it also has more sky.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_sky.png", "title": "The Sky", "day": "27" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1557, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ozymandias", "transcript": "[[Two figures talking]]\nFigure: I met a traveler from an antique land who said: \"I met a traveler from an antique land, who said: \"I met a traveler from an antique land, who said: \"I met...\n\n{{Title text: And on the pedestal these words appear: \"And on the pedestal these words appear: \"And on the pedestal these words appear: \"And ...}}", "alt": "And on the pedestal these words appear: \"And on the pedestal these words appear: \"And on the pedestal these words appear: \"And ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ozymandias.png", "title": "Ozymandias", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1558, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Vet", "transcript": "[[A concerned pet owner at the front of a row of customers in a veterinarian\u0027s office. A tired veterinary assistant performs arbitrage. A pet carrier cage, the sort used to contain a small dog or cat, is on a desk for the vet tech to examine.]]\nPet owner: There\u0027s something wrong with my dog.\nPet owner: He keeps crawling around eating dirt.\n\n[[The vet tech carefully removes the dog from its carrier and gently examines it.]]\nVet tech: This is a roomba.\nPet owner: Well, he\u0027s a mix.\nPet owner: Probaby some roomba in there.\n\n[[The vet tech places the roomba on the desk, probably maintaining a weary forced congeniality though we can\u0027t see their face.]]\nVet tech: A roomba is not a pet.\nPet owner: You\u0027re right. It\u0027s wrong to keep a beautiful creature like this in a house.\n\n[[The pet owner, outside, beneath a tall tree. It looks like an ash, or maybe a beech. There aren\u0027t any leaves drawn in the frame so I can\u0027t be sure.]]\nPet owner: Go! Be free!\n[[The roomba cheerfully speeds towards the tree]]\nRoomba: WHIRRR\n\n{{Title text: It\u0027s probably for the best. Since Roombas are native to North America, it\u0027s illegal for Americans to keep them in their houses under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.}}", "alt": "It\u0027s probably for the best. Since Roombas are native to North America, it\u0027s illegal for Americans to keep them in their houses under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/vet.png", "title": "Vet", "day": "31" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1559, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Driving", "transcript": "[[black hat guy walks up to a figure carrying a large, heavy rock]]\nBlack hat guy: Would you guess this weighs as much as a small adult?\nFigure: What? Uh, probably.\n\n[[black hat guy walks off panel with the panel]]\nblack hat guy: great!\n\n[[offscreen]]\n\u003c\u003cthump\u003e\u003e\nCar: Please fasten your seat belt.\n\u003c\u003cclick\u003e\u003e\nblack hate guy: Take me to Anchorage, Alaska.\ncar: navigating.\n\u003c\u003cslam\u003e\u003e\n\u003c\u003cvrrrrrrrrr\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Black hat guy returns to frame]]\nblack hat guy: I love self driving cars.\nfigure: ...whose car was that?\nblack hat guy: dunno, but they shouldn\u0027t have left it running.\n\n{{Title text: Sadly, it probably won\u0027t even have enough gas to make it to the first border crossing.}}", "alt": "Sadly, it probably won\u0027t even have enough gas to make it to the first border crossing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/driving.png", "title": "Driving", "day": "3" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1560, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bubblegum", "transcript": "[[BERET GUY stands in a doorway into a dark room, silhouetted against the light]]\nBeret: I came here to chew bubblegum and make friends!\n\n[[Now in a well lit space, BERET GUY stands silently, facing two figures.]]\n\n[[BERET GUY stretches out a hand towards the figures, who completely fail to react.]]\nBeret: Want some gum?\n\n{{Title text: I came here to chew bubblegum and say no more than eighteen words ... and I\u0027m all out of}}", "alt": "I came here to chew bubblegum and say no more than eighteen words ... and I\u0027m all out of", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bubblegum.png", "title": "Bubblegum", "day": "5" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1561, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Water Phase Diagram", "transcript": "[[A phase diagram of water, with temperature on the horizontal axis increasing to the left, and pressure on the vertical axis increasing downwards. It shows the commonly known phases of water (ice, liquid, vapor) as well as the more exotic high-pressure phases Ice II, Ice III and Ice V. As pressure increases, the diagram shows Vanilla Ice (Ice VI) transitioning to David Bowie \u0026 Queen.]]\n\n{{Title text: Vanilla Ice was produced in small quantities for years, but it wasn\u0027t until the 90s that experimenters collaborated to produce a sample that could survive at room temperature for several months. }}", "alt": "Vanilla Ice was produced in small quantities for years, but it wasn\u0027t until the 90s that experimenters collaborated to produce a sample that could survive at room temperature for several months. ", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/water_phase_diagram.png", "title": "Water Phase Diagram", "day": "7" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1562, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "I in Team", "transcript": "[[Two figures chatting]]\nScraggly figure: Remember, there\u0027s no \"I\" in \"team.\"\nShorn figure: No, but there\u0027s a \"U\" in \"People who apparently don\u0027t understand the relationship between orthography and meaning.\"\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s no \"I\" in \"VOWELS\".}}", "alt": "There\u0027s no \"I\" in \"VOWELS\".", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_in_team.png", "title": "I in Team", "day": "10" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1563, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Synonym Movies", "transcript": "[[The spines of DVD cases on a shelf, the titles from left to right read: ]]\nSPACE FIGHTS: SUDDEN OPTIMSIM\nSPACE FIGHTS: THE GOVERNMENT WINS THIS ONE\nSPACE FIGHTS: THE SWORD WIZARD IS BACK\n\nTHE JEWELRY GOD: THE JEWELRY TEAM\nTHE JEWELRY GOD: DOUBLE HOUSES\nTHE JEWELRY GOD: WE HAVE A CZAR AGAIN\n\nSPACE TRIP: THE MOVIE\nSPACE TRIP: THAT GUY IS ANGRY\nSPAC TRIP: WHERE IS THE VULCAN?\nSPACE TRIP: LET\u0027S GO BACK\n\n{{Title text: Fans eagerly await 2015\u0027s \u0027Space Fights: Power Gets Up\u0027, although most think 1999\u0027s \u0027Space Fights: The Scary Ghost\u0027 didn\u0027t live up to the hype.}}", "alt": "Fans eagerly await 2015\u0027s \u0027Space Fights: Power Gets Up\u0027, although most think 1999\u0027s \u0027Space Fights: The Scary Ghost\u0027 didn\u0027t live up to the hype.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/synonym_movies.png", "title": "Synonym Movies", "day": "12" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1564, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Every Seven Seconds", "transcript": "[[A single figure plods along alone, deep in thought.]]\nThought: There\u0027s no way that\u0027s true.\nThought: It would interfere with basic cognition.\nThought: Such a ridiculous view of masculinity.\nThought: How would you even STUDY that?\n\nCaption: Every seven seconds, sociologists think about that made-up statistic about how often men think about sex.\n\n{{Title text: Every few months, I think about sex every seven seconds and how weird and implausible it would be.}}", "alt": "Every few months, I think about sex every seven seconds and how weird and implausible it would be.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/every_seven_seconds.png", "title": "Every Seven Seconds", "day": "14" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1565, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Back Seat", "transcript": "Title: PROTIP\n[[A car is surrounded by two waiting, non-plussed friends while the driver clears the car out.]]\nDriver: Hang on, I just have to clear a few things out of the back.\n[[The driver opens the door. There are smell lines coming out.]]\n\nCaption: When you hear \"I just have to clear a few things out of the back\", You are about to see, at minimum, a decaying racoon.\n\n{{Title text: Hang on, let me scare the live raccoon over to the same side of the dead one.}}", "alt": "Hang on, let me scare the live raccoon over to the same side as the dead one.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/back_seat.png", "title": "Back Seat", "day": "17" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1566, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Board Game", "transcript": "[[Four board gamers sit around a table, looking at one another across a pile of books and papers.]]\nRandall: Now, this pile is \"Allowable deduction\" cards. You match them with cards in your hand to preserve their full point value. Over here are \"dependent\" tokens..\n\nCaption: Every year i trick a local board game club into doing my taxes.\n\n{{Title text: Yes, it took a lot of work to make the cards and pieces, but it\u0027s worth it--the players are way more thorough than the tax prep people ever were.}}", "alt": "Yes, it took a lot of work to make the cards and pieces, but it\u0027s worth it--the players are way more thorough than the tax prep people ever were.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/board_game.png", "title": "Board Game", "day": "19" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1567, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kitchen Tips", "transcript": "[[A enthused CHEF speaks to us from behind a counter loaded with spices \u0026 kitchen things.]]\nChef: If you\u0027re anything like me, you may have trouble telling when meat is fully cooked.\nChef: Instead of guessing, try a meat thermometer.\n\n[[Chef stands between a full trash can on one side, and sink on the other. Chef holds a dirty plate, like the exact opposite of a glistening beacon of cleanliness.]]\nChef: If you\u0027re anything like me, you probably throw away your plates and glasses when they get dirty. But if you clean them, they can often be used again!\n\n[[Chef is busy with a frying pan over a stove.]]\nChef: Making scrambled eggs? Put a pan under them!\nChef: It\u0027s easier, and it keeps your burners cleaner.\n\n[[Chef sprays a garden hose into the freezer side of a combination refrigerator\nfreezer. Water is flowing out.]]\nChef: If you\u0027re anything like me, you make ice by spraying a hose into your freezer and then slamming it shut.\nChef: But there\u0027s a better way....\n\n{{Title text: Household tip: Tired of buying so much toilet paper? Try unspooling the paper from the roll before using it. A single roll can last for multiple days that way, and it\u0027s much easier on your plumbing.}}", "alt": "Household tip: Tired of buying so much toilet paper? Try unspooling the paper from the roll before using it. A single roll can last for multiple days that way, and it\u0027s much easier on your plumbing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kitchen_tips.png", "title": "Kitchen Tips", "day": "21" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1568, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Synonym Movies 2", "transcript": "[[Movies stacked up on a shelf. Their titles on the spine are as followed]]\nWandboy and the magic rock\nWandboy and the hidden room\nWandboy and the fugitive\nWandboy and the burning cup\nWandboy and the firebird club\nWandboy and the book owner\nWandboy and the magic stuff (1\n2)\nWandboy and the magic stuff (2\n2)\n\nPuncher\nPuncher II\nPuncher III\nPuncher IV\nPuncher V\nPuncher Lastname\n\nTropical boaters: spooky boat\nTropical boaters: Angry worhface\nTropical boaters: boats everywhere\nTropical boaters: vitamin water\n\nProfessor whip and the box of god\nProfessor whip and the scary church\nProfessor whip and the looks for a cup\nProfessor whip is in another movie\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s also the TV show based on the hit Hot and Cold Music books: Fun With Chairs, Royal Rumble, Knife Blizzard, Breakfast for Birds, and Samba Serpents.}}", "alt": "There\u0027s also the TV show based on the hit Hot and Cold Music books: Fun With Chairs, Royal Rumble, Knife Blizzard, Breakfast for Birds, and Samba Serpents.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/synonym_movies_2.png", "title": "Synonym Movies 2", "day": "24" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1569, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Magic Tree", "transcript": "[[Beret guy excitedly points to a pillar about a meter across. There\u0027s a sign on the side. Beret guy is pointing it out to his friend, Fancy Haircut]]\nBeret: Check it out! I threw my magic beans on the ground here yesterday, and this big tree appeared!\n\n[[Now in silhouette we see the pillar is several hundred feet tall, covered in antennae, and the figures are as ants in its shadow.]]\nhaircut: that\u0027s a cell tower.\nberet: no way-- it has branches! See? I\u0027m gonna climb it!\n\n[[Beret guy begins to shimmy up the side of the pole. Somehow. With impressively powerful thighs I guess.]]\nhaircut: No, they just put those there to make it look-- ...never mind.\n\n[[Later...]]\nhaircut: Why do I have no signal?\nberet, with an axe: there were scary giants with yellow helmets in that tree! luckily, I cut it down before they ate me.\n\n{{Title text: Since people rarely try to cut down cell phone towers, after millions of years, as cell phone towers have gotten more treelike, trees have started growing fake cell phone tower attachments and shiny gray bark to protect themselves. This is a standard textbook example of convergent evolution.}}", "alt": "Since people rarely try to cut down cell phone towers, after millions of years, as cell phone towers have gotten more treelike, trees have started growing fake cell phone tower attachments and shiny gray bark to protect themselves. This is a standard textbook example of convergent evolution.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/magic_tree.png", "title": "Magic Tree", "day": "26" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1570, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Engineer Syllogism", "transcript": "[[Empty panel with text]]\nAn engineer syllogism\n\n[[Engineer sits at desk thoughtfully, thinking.]]\nEngineer: One, I am good at understanding numbers.\n\n[[Engineer puts hands to face, pondering]]\nEngineer: Two, the stock market is made of numbers.\n\n[[Engineer suddenly aghast]]\nEngineer: Three, therefore, I-- WOW where did all my money just go?\n\n{{Title text: The less common, even worse outcome: \"3: [everyone in the financial system] WOW, where did all my money just go?\"}}", "alt": "The less common, even worse outcome: \"3: [everyone in the financial system] WOW, where did all my money just go?\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/engineer_syllogism.png", "title": "Engineer Syllogism", "day": "28" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1571, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Car Model Names", "transcript": "Certain letters and numbers are used disproporitionately often in car models compared to regular text.\nSee: Rev-4 CR-X x4 G6 MAXX\n\n[[There is a bar chart here. With frequency scores for letters and umbers in car model names.]]\n\nBases on these scores, here are a few suggestions for car companies (with average letter scores)\n\nSECTION: Names to avoid \nHonda 2Chainz (-0.13) \nMitsubishi Fhqwhgads (-0.62) \nKia 49AndGothy (-2.96) \nChevrolet Niceguy (-3.09) \nOldsmobile GoodWood (-4.44) \nInfinity Toothy69 (-4.51) \nBMW Outhouse (-4.85) \nVolkswagen Woodpony 7OH7 (-5.70) \nChrysler Uh Iono (-5.65) \nNissan Doody (-5.84) \n\nSECTION: Potential hits\nHonda 3Chainz (0.57)\nSubaru Andre3000 (1.30)\nSuzuki Sexism (1.82)\nLincoln Marxism (2.17)\nHyundai Climax (2.48)\nPorsche Zizek9000 (3.06)\nLexus 3x3Cutrix (3.22)\nAcura PizzaJazz (3.56)\nFord SixAxle 4x4 (3.95)\nToyota Cervixxx (4.85) \n\n{{A full explanation of THE CUNNING REFERENCES in this are at http:\n\nwww.explainxkcd.com\nwiki\nindex.php\n1571 }}\n\n{{Title text: CLIMAX is good, but SEXCLIMAX is even better.}}", "alt": "CLIMAX is good, but SEXCLIMAX is even better.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/car_model_names.png", "title": "Car Model Names", "day": "31" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1572, "link": "https://goo.gl/forms/pj0OhX6wfO", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcd Survey", "transcript": "Introducing the XKCD SURVEY! A search for weird correlations.\n\nNOTE: This survey is anonymous, but all responses will be posted publicly so people can play with the data.\n\nClick here to take the survey.\n\nhttp:\n\ngoo.gl\nforms\nlzZr7P9Qlm\n\nOr click here, or here. The whole comic is a link because I still haven\u0027t gotten the hang of HTML imagemaps.\n\n{{Title text: The xkcd Survey: Big Data for a Big Planet}}", "alt": "The xkcd Survey: Big Data for a Big Planet", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_survey.png", "title": "xkcd Survey", "day": "1" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1573, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cyberintelligence", "transcript": "[[Two scientists look at graphs, intensely!]]\nScientist: Our overall fiscal year 2015 cyberintelligence budget was eight point one billion-\nScientst2: Yet it wasn\u0027t enough to pick up on the fact that no one else has used the prefix \"cyber-\" for like a decade?\nScientist: Shut up.\n\n{{Title text: We had gathered that raw information, but had yet to put it all together.}}", "alt": "We had gathered that raw information, but had yet to put it all together.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cyberintelligence.png", "title": "Cyberintelligence", "day": "4" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1574, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trouble for Science", "transcript": "[[A series of whitepaper headlines]]\nMany Commercial Antibody-Based Immunoassays Are Unreliable\nProblems With the p-value as an indicator of significance\nOverfeeding of laboratory rodents compromises animal models\nReplication study fails to reproduce many published results\ncontrolled trials show bunsen burners make things colder\n\n{{Title text: Careful mathematical analysis demonstrates small-scale irregularities in Gaussian distribution}}", "alt": "Careful mathematical analysis demonstrates small-scale irregularities in Gaussian distribution", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trouble_for_science.png", "title": "Trouble for Science", "day": "7" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1575, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Footprints", "transcript": "[[An untitled graph. Horizontal axis: Time. Vertical axis: Sets of footprints. Data points are listed below, in the format NUMBER: EVENT LABEL]]\n2: Start\n1: Jesus carried me\n1: I carried jesus\n1: Jesus disappeared for an evening each time a new Twilight movie came out\n3: Who was that guy?\n5: Ducklings imprinted on jesus and followed him around\n4: Got lost and followed our own footprints\n1: Rode around with jesus in captured at-st\n1: Hit quicksand patch. Jesus didn\u0027t make it :(\n0: Went home\n\n{{Title text: \"There\u0027s one set of foot-p\u0027s cause I was totes carrying you, bro!\" said Jesus seconds before I punched him.}}", "alt": "\"There\u0027s one set of foot-p\u0027s cause I was totes carrying you, bro!\" said Jesus seconds before I punched him.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/footprints.png", "title": "Footprints", "day": "9" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1576, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "I Could Care Less", "transcript": "[[Two Friends walking and talking.]]\nMonologuer: ...anyway, I could care less.\n\nListener: I think you mean you COULDN\u0027T care less. Saying you COULD care less implies you care at least some amount.\n\nMonologuer: I dunno.\n\n[[Monologuer begins to monologue over many panels]]\nWe\u0027re these unbelievably complicated brains drifting through a void, trying in vain to connect with one another by blindly flinging words out into the darkness.\n\nEvery choice of phrasing and spelling and tone and timing carries countless signals and contexts and subtexts and more,\n\nand every listener interprets those signals in their own way.\n\nLanguage isn\u0027t a formal system. Language is a glorious chaos.\n\nYou can never know for sure what ANY words will mean to ANYONE.\n\nAll you can do is try to get better at guessing how your words affect people, so you can have a chance of finding the ones that will make them feel something like what you want them to feel.\n\nEverything else is pointless.\n\nI assume you\u0027re giving me tips on how you interpret words because you want me to feel less alone.\n\nIf so, then thank you.\n\nThat means a lot.\n\nBut if you\u0027r ejust running my sentences past some mental checklist so you can show off how well you know it,\n\nthen I could care less.\n\n{{Title text: I literally could care less.}}", "alt": "I literally could care less.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i_could_care_less.png", "title": "I Could Care Less", "day": "11" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1577, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Advent", "transcript": "[[Stick guy is standing in front of a wall-sized grid, 12 rows high, 20 columns wide. Each larger box has a smaller grid inside.]]\nUnsettling Gift: Life Expectancy Advent Calendar.\n{{Title text: The few dozen doors that have little Christmas trees on them are a nice touch.}}", "alt": "The few dozen doors that have little Christmas trees on them are a nice touch.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/advent.png", "title": "Advent", "day": "14" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1578, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Squirrelphone", "transcript": "[[A person is walking along and they see a squirrel standing on a tree stump.]]\nSquirrel: RIIIIING -- RIIIIIING\n\n[[The person picks up the squirrel and puts it to his ear like a phone.]]\nPerson: Hello?\n\n[[The squirrel bites down on the person\u0027s ear.]\n\u003c\u003cCHOMP\u003e\u003e\nPerson: OW!\n\n[[The squirrel leaps away, and the person is left holding his face in bewilderment.]]\nPerson: ???\n\n{{Title text: After a while, the squirrel starts making that beeping noise and doesn\u0027t stop until it hops back up onto the stump.}}", "alt": "After a while, the squirrel starts making that beeping noise and doesn\u0027t stop until it hops back up onto the stump.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/squirrelphone.png", "title": "Squirrelphone", "day": "16" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1579, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tech Loops", "transcript": "[[Flowchart of things which support things. Arrows indicate what supports what.]]\n\nLibrary supports\nlibrary, supports\ncustom settings, supports\nlibrary, supports\ntool, supports\nupdater, supports\nvm, supports\nchat client, supports\nrepository, supports nothing at all!\n\nlibrary, supports\nhardware workaround, supports\nawful hack from 2009, supports\nirc for some reason, supports\nawful hack from 2009, supports\nthe library we started with\n\nDLL needed by something, supports\ntwo mysterious items???\n\n\"Things I actually want to use my computer for\" neither supports nor is supported by anything else on the chart.\n\nCAPTION: Every now and then I realize I\u0027m maintaining a huge chain of technology solely to support itself.\n\n{{Title text: And when I think about it, a lot of \"things I want to do\" are just learning about and discussing new tools for tinkering with the chain.}}", "alt": "And when I think about it, a lot of \"things I want to do\" are just learning about and discussing new tools for tinkering with the chain.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tech_loops.png", "title": "Tech Loops", "day": "18" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1580, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Travel Ghost", "transcript": "transcribe\n[[A person monologues to another]]\n\nLots of apps let you plan your tirps using real-time bus, train, and traffic data. They try to predict which route will be faster, but aren\u0027t always right.\n\nInstead of just planning, my new app lets you send \"ghost\" versions of you along different routes, simulating their travel using the real-time data.\n\nThat way, you can see which route turned out to be faster in practice. You can also race your past selves.\n\n[[Soon: Person dashing out of a taxi, twenty feet behind a ghost.]]\nUgh, lost to the bike ghost AGAIN.\n\n[[Person carrying briefcase is on wrong side of door. On the other side, wife is standing with ghost also carrying briefcase. ]]\nPerson: Hey, my key won\u0027t work.\nWife: I\u0027m sorry, but we\u0027ve decided to replace you. This floaty guy is much more punctual.\nPerson: But...\n\n[[Two children hold hands with ghost]]\nChildren: Our NEW dad never misses our games!\n[[Person, stretching out hands in desperate agony]]\nPerson: NOOOOOOOOOOO!\n\n{{Title text: And a different ghost has replaced me in the bedroom.}}", "alt": "And a different ghost has replaced me in the bedroom.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/travel_ghosts.png", "title": "Travel Ghost", "day": "21" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1581, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Birthday", "transcript": "XKCd turns 10 years old this month. In light of last nights court ruling in Rupamarya v. Warner\nChappell Music Inc, I would just like to say:\n\nHappy birthday to you\nHappy birthday to you\nHappy birthday, dear XKCD\nHappy birthday to you\n\n[[There is a cake here.]]\n\n{{Title text: I guess I need to apologize to my parents, friends, and the staff at Chuck E. Cheese\u0027s for all the times I called the cops on them.}}", "alt": "I guess I need to apologize to my parents, friends, and the staff at Chuck E. Cheese\u0027s for all the times I called the cops on them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/birthday.png", "title": "Birthday", "day": "23" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1582, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Picture a Grassy Field", "transcript": "[[A person monologues to their friend.]]\nPicture a grassy field.\nIn the center sits a small, pale, big-eyed creature with the power to escape from any visualized scene and move freely through the brain that imagined it.\nIt glances around nervously and--\n--whoops, where\u0027d it go?\nSorry about that! Keep an eye out for it in your daydreams.\n\n{{Title text: Wait, I can fix this. Picture another field. In the middle sits the only creature the first creature is afraid of. Now just-- wait, where did THAT one go?}}", "alt": "Wait, I can fix this. Picture another field. In the middle sits the only creature the first creature is afraid of. Now just-- wait, where did THAT one go?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/picture_a_grassy_field.png", "title": "Picture a Grassy Field", "day": "25" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1583, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "NASA Press Conference", "transcript": "[[Someone stands at a podium with the NASA logo on it, speaking.]]\nSpokesperson: That concludes the press conference. Any questions? - Yes, you, from... it just says \"The News\"?\n\n[[With a crowd of nondescript people behind him, White Beret speaks into a microphone.]]\nWB: Hi! I have a microphone so I\u0027m real loud now. - How does this Mars data compare to data from other fields? Like medicine? Or sports?\n\n[[The spokesperson responds from out of panel, we still see White Beret with the microphone.]]\nSpokesperson: That question makes no sense.\nWB: If there\u0027s water on Mars, is it ruined? - Or will it be okay when it dries out?\nSpokesperson: Any \nother\n questions?\n\n[[A far side-view of spokesperson at the podium facing a crowd of various people, including White Beret.]]\nWB: What were those guys hassling Luke in the Mos Eisley cantina trying to accomplish? I felt like I was supposed to understand that.\nSpokesperson: Anyone \nelse\n?\nOther person: That\u0027s now my question, too.\nAnother person: Were they just picking a fight?\nOther person: If so, why did...\n\n{{Title text: Why are we spending billions to ruin Mars with swarms of robots when Elon Musk has promised to ruin Mars for a FRACTION of the cost?}}", "alt": "Why are we spending billions to ruin Mars with swarms of robots when Elon Musk has promised to ruin Mars for a FRACTION of the cost?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nasa_press_conference.png", "title": "NASA Press Conference", "day": "28" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1584, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Moments of Inspiration", "transcript": "Isaac Newton\n[[A man sitting under a tree is hit in the head by a falling apple.]]\n\u003c\u003cBONK\u003e\u003e\nNewton: Ow!\n\n[[Newton rubs his sore head.]]\nNewton: Aha!\n\nLise Meitner\n[[Someone throws a ball towards a woman, and it goes over her head.]]\nBall-thrower: Hey Lise, think fast!\n\u003c\u003cCRASH\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The ball has hit one of her porcelain model atoms, splitting it in half. Lise surveys the damage.]]\nLise: Oh no! My collection of porcelain atoms! -- \n...Hmm.\n\n\nCharles Darwin\n[[Charles Darwin and his wife are watching their four children drinking soda. Two drink through straws while two have beaks and are having trouble drinking.]]\nMrs. Darwin: I gave our kids soda, but the ones with beaks always have trouble drinking it.\nMr. Darwn: I\u0027ve noticed that...\n\nAlbert Einstein\n[[A train passes by in the background while Albert Einstein and another person look on from the foreground.]]\nEinstein: I wish your twin brother would stop shining lights at us from that train. I can barely see my clock! - \n...Wait!\n\n\n{{Title text: Charles, I just talked to John and Mildred, who run that company selling seeds and nuts, and their kids with MOUTHS are starving!}}", "alt": "Charles, I just talked to John and Mildred, who run that company selling seeds and nuts, and their kids with MOUTHS are starving!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/moments_of_inspiration.png", "title": "Moments of Inspiration", "day": "30" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1585, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Similarities", "transcript": "Person 1: So it\u0027s a work of fiction about a well-known brand, written on the internet by an enthusiast, republished as a bestselling book, and then made into a movie?\nPerson 2: yup.\n\n[[Person 1 ponders this for a moment]]\n\nPerson 1: Yeah, \"The Martian\" and \"Fifty Shades of Grey\" are basically the same book.\nPerson 2: \"Fifty Shades of Red\"?\nPerson 1: Man, tell me you wouldn\u0027t read that.\n\n{{Title text: I just came from The Martian, and I just have to say: Forget BB-8; I want a pet Sojourner! It\u0027s always been the cutest of our Mars rovers.}}", "alt": "I just came from The Martian, and I just have to say: Forget BB-8; I want a pet Sojourner! It\u0027s always been the cutest of our Mars rovers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/similarities.png", "title": "Similarities", "day": "2" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1586, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Keyboard Problems", "transcript": "[[Person 1 sits on the floor facing a laptop with another laptop behind them. The second laptop has an external keyboard attached. Person 2 stands looking at Person 1.]]\n\nPerson 1: Keys on my keyboard keep failing, even when I boot from an external recovery disk.\nPerson 2: Sounds like it\u0027s hardware, then.\n\n[[Person 1 turns slightly to reach the second laptop.]]\n\nPerson 1: Yeah... except the problem followed me from my last computer.\nPerson 2: You have the most bizarre tech issues.\n\n[[Person 1 has unplugged the keyboard from the second laptop and plugged it into the first laptop.]]\n\nPerson 1: It must be spreading via keyboards. This one won\u0027t work with any computer now.\nPerson 2: When the robot apocalypse happens, I\u0027m hiding out in your house. Any Skynet drones that come near will develop inexplicable firmware problems and crash.\n\n{{Title text: In the future, a group of resistance fighters send me back in time with instructions to find the Skynet prototype and try to upgrade it.}}", "alt": "In the future, a group of resistance fighters send me back in time with instructions to find the Skynet prototype and try to upgrade it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/keyboard_problems.png", "title": "Keyboard Problems", "day": "5" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1587, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Food Rule", "transcript": "Title: My food rule\nWill eat: Red meat, pork, poultry, fish, fruit, vegetables, grains.\nWon\u0027t eat: shrimp, oysters, squid.\n\nCaption: I won\u0027t eat something if I have to google to figure out whether or not it has a face.\n\n{{Title text: I won\u0027t eat invertebrates, because I can fight a skeleton, but I have no idea what kind of spooky warrior a squid leaves behind.}}", "alt": "I won\u0027t eat invertebrates, because I can fight a skeleton, but I have no idea what kind of spooky warrior a squid leaves behind.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/food_rule.png", "title": "Food Rule", "day": "7" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1588, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hardware Reductionism", "transcript": "[[Two people talk to each other while holding their smartphones.]]\n1: Your photos from the triathlon got so many more likes than mine. \n2: Yeah - my phone is quad-core. Research shows that iPhones like yours have just two cores, so they have a hard time capturing scenes with three different events in them.\n\nIf we talked about phone hardware the way we talk about brain hardware.\n\n{{Title text: My MRI research shows a clear correlation between the size of the parietal lobe--the part of the brain that handles spatial reasoning--and enjoyment of 3D Doritos®.}}", "alt": "My MRI research shows a clear correlation between the size of the parietal lobe--the part of the brain that handles spatial reasoning--and enjoyment of 3D Doritos®.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hardware_reductionism.png", "title": "Hardware Reductionism", "day": "9" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1589, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Frankenstein", "transcript": "Like many people, I\u0027m tired of nitpicking about Frankenstein\u0027s Monster\u0027s name.\nLuckily, \nFrankenstein\n is public domain.\nTherefore, I present\nXKCD\u0027S\n\nFRANKENSTEIN\n\n[Lightning bolt]\n(The monster\u0027s name)\n[[No illustration, just centered text leading to a title with a small lightning bolt at the bottom.]]\n\n[[A man with a flat-top haircut lies under a blanket on a gurney, with wires leading from his neck. A person throws a large switch on the wall.]]\nMonster: \nGRAAAR!\n\nDoctor: Frankenstein is alive! I am a modern Prometheus!\nMonster: RAAAAR!\nDoctor: To be clear, your name is \nFrankenstein\n. Canonically.\nMonster: \nGRAAAAAR!\n The moon landings were faked!\nDoctor: Wait, what?\n\n~Fin.~\nThere. Feel free to call the monster \"Frankenstein.\"\nIf anyone tries to correct you, just explain that this comic is your canonical version.\nThank you.\n[[Again, no illustration, just text.]]\n\n{{Title text: \"Wait, so in this version is Frankenstein also the doctor\u0027s name?\" \"No, he\u0027s just \u0027The Doctor\u0027.\"}}", "alt": "\"Wait, so in this version is Frankenstein also the doctor\u0027s name?\" \"No, he\u0027s just \u0027The Doctor\u0027.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frankenstein.png", "title": "Frankenstein", "day": "12" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1590, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Source", "transcript": "\u003c\u003ca hum so faint it is completely unindicated in the comic wafts through the air\u003e\u003e\n[[Person with a quizzical look on their face in a room alone]]\n\n[[Person looks around the room]]\n\n[[Person walks down the hall]]\n\n[[Person walks through some doorways]]\n\n[[Person walks down some stairs]]\n\n[[Person finds a large machine labeled \"High-pitched hum generator\" at the other end of a room]]\n\n[[Person unplugs machine]]\n\n[[Person walks away]]\n\n{{Title text: Why did we even have that thing?}}", "alt": "Why did we even have that thing?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_source.png", "title": "The Source", "day": "14" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1591, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bell\u0027s Theorem", "transcript": "t=0 nanoseconds\nPerson 1: This is called Bell\u0027s Theorem. It was first-\n\n((distance marker cross-panel indicating 5 meters between Person 1 and Person 2))\n\nt=1 nanosecond\nPerson 2: Wow, faster-than-light communication is possible!\n\nBell\u0027s Second Theorem: Misunderstandings of Bell\u0027s Theorem happen so fast that they violate locality.\n\n{{Title text: The no-communication theorem states that no communication about the no-communication theorem can clear up the misunderstanding quickly enough to allow faster-than-light signaling.}}", "alt": "The no-communication theorem states that no communication about the no-communication theorem can clear up the misunderstanding quickly enough to allow faster-than-light signaling.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bells_theorem.png", "title": "Bell\u0027s Theorem", "day": "16" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1592, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Overthinking", "transcript": "[[A person and White Hat Guy walk along]]\nPerson 1: I found a study* that said water is good for you, but you should just drink it when you feel thirsty, and not go overboard.\nWhite Hat Guy: Uh huh?\n{{Footnote*: DOI:10.1097\n\nJSM.0000000000000221}}\n\nPerson 1: Another study* found that prolonged sitting isn\u0027t necessarily bad for you, as long as you\u0027re also getting exercise.\nWhite Hat Guy: Okay...\n{{Footnote*: DOI 10.1093\nije\ndyv101}}\n\nPerson 1:Now a study* claims that humans in pre-industrial societies stay up late, and sleep 6 or 7 horus a night, just like most people today.\nWhite Hat Guy: Huh. So what you\u0027re saying is..\n{{Footnote*: DOI: 10.1016\nj.cub.2015.09.046}}\n\nPerson 1: Maybe we\u0027re overthinking it.\nWhite Hat Guy: But what caused our modern epidemic of overthinking?! Plumbing? Or is it email?\nPerson 1: Modern? I bet the wheel was invented by someone overthinking \"pushing\".\n\n{{Title text: On the other hand, it took us embarrassingly long to clue in to the lung cancer\ncigarette thing, so I guess the real lesson is \"figuring out which ideas are true is hard.\"}}", "alt": "On the other hand, it took us embarrassingly long to clue in to the lung cancer/cigarette thing, so I guess the real lesson is \"figuring out which ideas are true is hard.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/overthinking.png", "title": "Overthinking", "day": "19" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1593, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Play-By-Play", "transcript": "[[Beret Guy is most definitely sitting at a desk, in what may or may not be an announcer\u0027s box. Beret Guy has what may or may not be an active headset with microphone on under his hat.]]\nBeret Guy: For those just joining us, hi! We\u0027re on part 5 of a hitting game.\n\nBeret Guy: The next guy has a big bat, so he\u0027ll probably hit the ball real far. huh?\n{{\n-\nWait- he missed! \n-\nOh good, they\u0027re letting him try again.\n\nBeret Guy: The people sitting on the chair shelves are yelling at this guy, but he\u0027s ignoring them. Wow. \n-\nRude.\n\nBeret Guy: This thrower is good! He keeps making people leave by throwing balls at them. \n-\nIt\u0027s just him though. None of his teammates are joining in.\n\nBeret Guy: That guy just ran to the second pillow when no one was looking! \n-\nEveryone\u0027s real mad but I guess they checked the rules and there\u0027s nothing that says he can\u0027t do that. \n-\nYikes. Hopefully they can fix that once this game is over.\n\n{{Title text: The thrower started hitting the bats too much, so the king of the game told him to leave and brought out another thrower from thrower jail.}}", "alt": "The thrower started hitting the bats too much, so the king of the game told him to leave and brought out another thrower from thrower jail.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/play_by_play.png", "title": "Play-By-Play", "day": "21" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1594, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Human Subjects", "transcript": "[[Two people are sitting at a desk reviewing things.]]\nPerson 1: We\u0027re concerned that some of your results may be tainted by the fact that your human subjects are *awful*.\nPerson 2: What do you mean?\n\nPerson 1: Several participants in your drug trial were arrested for arson.\nPerson 2: Side effects can be unpredictable.\nPerson 1: They were in the control group.\n\nPerson 1: In your prisoner\u0027s dilemma study, 80% of the participants chose to betray their partners *before* the experimenter had a chance to tell them about the reward.\nPerson 2: Definitely troubling.\n\nPerson 1: In one experiment, your subjects repeatedly gave electric shocks to a stranger in another room.\nPerson 2: That\u0027s a famous psychological-\nPerson 1: This was a study of moisturizing creams!\nPerson 2: Yes, we\u0027re not sure how they snuck in all that equipment.\n\n\n{{Title text: After meeting with a few of the subjects, the IRB actually recommended that you stop stressing out so much about safety guidelines.}}", "alt": "After meeting with a few of the subjects, the IRB actually recommended that you stop stressing out so much about safety guidelines.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/human_subjects.png", "title": "Human Subjects", "day": "23" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1595, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "30 Days Hath September", "transcript": "[[Another person stuck in a Sisyphean thought bubble.]]\nPerson 1: ((thinking)) Thirty days hath September, April, June and November. All the rest have 31- except February, which has 28, and leap year which makes it 29. \n- \nWait, which month was I listening for? Oh right, October.\n-\nDid I say \"October\" in there? Now i can\u0027t remember.\n-\n30 days hath September...\n\n{{Title text: There\u0027s a cool mental calculation hack I recently learned for this: If you open the calendar app on your phone or computer, the highest-numbered box along the bottom is equal to the number of days in the month!}}", "alt": "There\u0027s a cool mental calculation hack I recently learned for this: If you open the calendar app on your phone or computer, the highest-numbered box along the bottom is equal to the number of days in the month!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/30_days_hath_september.png", "title": "30 Days Hath September", "day": "26" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1596, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Launch Status Check", "transcript": "[[A multiengine rocket sits on a launch pad. Flight controllers monitor the launch.]]\nAnnouncer: T-minus 2 minutes\nController 1: Tank and booster are go for launch.\nController 2: Safety console?\nController 1: Check. Safety-\nController 2: Wait.\n\n[[Controller 2 notices an object flying past the rocket]]\nController 1: What is it?\nController 2: On the live feed- a cool bird just flew past the tower!\n\nController 1: Whoa, hat kind?\nController 2: Like a hawk, maybe!\nController 1: Could it be a vulture?\nController 2: I doubt it. The wings were flat, not in a \"V\".\nController 1: It could be an eagle!\nController 2: Ooh!\n\nController 1: This is launch control. We have a possible sighting of a cool bird. Halt the countdown.\nController 2: Someone get binoculars up here!\nController 1: I want to see!\n\n{{Title text: Visual checks suggest the cool bird has exited the launch zone. Tip the rocket sideways and resume the countdown--we\u0027re gonna go find it!}}", "alt": "Visual checks suggest the cool bird has exited the launch zone. Tip the rocket sideways and resume the countdown--we\u0027re gonna go find it!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/launch_status_check.png", "title": "Launch Status Check", "day": "28" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1597, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Git", "transcript": "[[3 people stand in front of a laptop on a desk. Person 3 just stands there and learns]]\nPerson 1: This is git. It tracks collaborative work on projects through a beautiful distributed graph theory tree model.\nPerson 2: Cool. How do we use it?\nPerson 1: No idea. Just memorize these shell commands and type them to sync up.\nIf you get errors, save your work elsewhere, delete the project, and download a fresh copy.\n\n{{Title text: If that doesn\u0027t fix it, git.txt contains the phone number of a friend of mine who understands git. Just wait through a few minutes of \u0027It\u0027s really pretty simple, just think of branches as...\u0027 and eventually you\u0027ll learn the commands that will fix everything.}}", "alt": "If that doesn\u0027t fix it, git.txt contains the phone number of a friend of mine who understands git. Just wait through a few minutes of \u0027It\u0027s really pretty simple, just think of branches as...\u0027 and eventually you\u0027ll learn the commands that will fix everything.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/git.png", "title": "Git", "day": "30" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1598, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Salvage", "transcript": "[[A reporter is filmed by a cameraperson while reporting on a major operation visible in the background. Helicopters and boats are active in the background. Labels at the bottom say \"Historic Salvage\" and \"Live\"]]\n\n[[Several smaller boats at the surface have submerged lines carrying up the front half of a massive ship. The ship is labeled \"RMS Titanic\"]]\n\n[[A hover of helicopters are hauling the now ascended front half of the Titanic. A second hover of helicopters follows close behind with the back half. ]]\n\n[[Both hovers of helicopters drop their respective pieces into an enormous vat of rice. ]]\n\n{{Title text: My hobby: Taking advantage of the rice myth by posting articles on \"how to save your wet phone\" which are actually just elaborate recipes for rice pilaf.}}", "alt": "My hobby: Taking advantage of the rice myth by posting articles on \"how to save your wet phone\" which are actually just elaborate recipes for rice pilaf.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/salvage.png", "title": "Salvage", "day": "2" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1599, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Water Delivery", "transcript": "Now that Amazon is advertising one-hour delivery of bottled water,\n\n[[A diagram showing the most obvious progression of events. First just one bottle is sent from the warehouse to a person. Then two. Then five. Then 20.\nFinally, a direct pipe sends the water along.]]\n\nI vote we start calling municipal plumbing \"on-demand hyperloop-style water delivery\" and see if we can sell anyone on the idea.\n\n{{Title text: When I was a kid, I asked my parents why our houses didn\u0027t have toothpaste pipes in addition to water ones. I\u0027m strangely pleased to see Amazon thinking the same way.}}", "alt": "When I was a kid, I asked my parents why our houses didn\u0027t have toothpaste pipes in addition to water ones. I\u0027m strangely pleased to see Amazon thinking the same way.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/water_delivery.png", "title": "Water Delivery", "day": "4" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1600, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "MarketWatch", "transcript": "[[A reporter delivers the news, with a graph behind her indicating the performance of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, behaving strangely. The news program is labeled \"Marketwatch\"]]\nReporter: Wild swings on the markets today as investors noticed the Dow was tracing out a silhouette of the D.C. Skyline, and everyone got too weirded out to break the pattern until they finished the Capitol Building.\n\n{{Title text: Markets have been rocked by a second day of uncertainty after someone set up a giant Ouija board on the NYSE wall controlled collectively by the movement of the stock tickers.}}", "alt": "Markets have been rocked by a second day of uncertainty after someone set up a giant Ouija board on the NYSE wall controlled collectively by the movement of the stock tickers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/marketwatch.png", "title": "MarketWatch", "day": "6" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1601, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Isolation", "transcript": "1840:\n[[Three people in a room. One reading while standing, one sitting in a chair and reading, and a third quite belligerent.]]\nPerson: The modern bookworm is too busy *reading* about the world to *look* at it.\n\n1880:\n[[Person behind a person eating a meal and reading a newspaper]]\nPerson: No one *talks* anymore- We take our daily newspapers in silence.\n\n1910:\n[[Person behind another person walking along and reading a periodical]]\nPerson: The magazine is destroying conversation. We read even as we walk!\n\n1960:\n[[Person observing two kids in front of a TV]]\nPerson: Television has put an end to family discussion.\n\n1980:\n[[Person on public transportation surrounded by others lost in their own audio]]\nPerson: Thanks to the Sony Walkman, anti-social isolation is now the norm.\n\n2015:\n[[Person behind two others on their smartphones]]\nPerson: We\u0027ve become too absorbed in our phones to notice the-\nPerson 2: *Dude*. It\u0027s been *two centuries*.\n-\n*Take a hint*.\n\n{{Title text: 2060: The gregarious superintelligent AI, happily talking its way out of a box, is fast becoming a relic of the past. Today\u0027s quantum hyper-beings are too busy with their internal multiverse sims to even notice that they\u0027re in boxes at all!}}", "alt": "2060: The gregarious superintelligent AI, happily talking its way out of a box, is fast becoming a relic of the past. Today\u0027s quantum hyper-beings are too busy with their internal multiverse sims to even notice that they\u0027re in boxes at all!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/isolation.png", "title": "Isolation", "day": "9" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1602, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Linguistics Club", "transcript": "[[Person speaks to a second person]]\nPerson 1: You should come to our linguistics club\u0027s sesquiannual meeting.\n-\nMembership is open to anyone who can figure out how often we meet.\n\n{{Title text: If that\u0027s too easy, you could try joining Tautology Club, which meets on the date of the Tautology Club meeting.}}", "alt": "If that\u0027s too easy, you could try joining Tautology Club, which meets on the date of the Tautology Club meeting.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/linguistics_club.png", "title": "Linguistics Club", "day": "11" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1603, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flashlights", "transcript": "[[A person approaches another person sitting in a chair]]\nPerson 1: Remember how flashlights sucked when we were kids? Always dim and finicky?\nPerson 2: I guess?\n\n[[They walk to the door]]\nPerson 1: Well, I discovered there are now internet flashlight enthusiasts.\n-\nAnd the technology has... improved.\nPerson 2: Ok, let\u0027s see.\n\n[[As they walk outside into the night, Person 1 turns his flashlight on. An enormous incandescence springs forth. Person 2 shies away for a moment.]]\n\u003c\u003cFWOOSH\u003e\u003e\n\nPerson 1: See how it lights up the whole forest?\nPerson 2: ..the trees are on fire.\nPerson 1: Real bright, though.\n\n{{Title text: Due to a typo, I initially found a forum for serious Fleshlight enthusiasts, and it turns out their highest-end models are ALSO capable of setting trees on fire. They\u0027re impossible to use without severe burns, but some of them swear it\u0027s worth it.}}", "alt": "Due to a typo, I initially found a forum for serious Fleshlight enthusiasts, and it turns out their highest-end models are ALSO capable of setting trees on fire. They\u0027re impossible to use without severe burns, but some of them swear it\u0027s worth it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flashlights.png", "title": "Flashlights", "day": "13" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1604, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Snakes", "transcript": "[[Two figures examine a colorful banded serpent.]]\nFigure: Red touches yellow, which I think means this is a twenty-four-ohm snake.\n\n{{Title text: The last band of color indicates the snake\u0027s tolerance for being held before biting.}}", "alt": "The last band of color indicates the snake\u0027s tolerance for being held before biting.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snakes.png", "title": "Snakes", "day": "16" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1605, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "DNA", "transcript": "White Hat Guy: Biology is largely solved. DNA is the source code for our bodies. Now that gene sequencing is easy, we just have to read it.\nPerson 2: It\u0027s not just \"source code\". There\u0027s a ton of feedback and external processing.\n\nPerson 2: But even if it were, DNA is the result of the most aggressive optimization process in the universe, running in parallel at every energy level, in every living thing, for four billion years.\nWhite Hat Guy: It\u0027s still just code.\n[[White Hat Guy sits down at a desk with a laptop]]\n\nPerson 2: Ok, try opening google.com and clicking \"view source\".\nWhite Hat Guy: Ok, I- ...oh my god.\nPerson 2: That\u0027s just a few years of optimization by Google devs. DNA is thousands of times longer and way, *way* worse.\nWhite Hat Guy: Wow, biology is *impossible*.\n\n{{Title text: Researchers just found the gene responsible for mistakenly thinking we\u0027ve found the gene for specific things. It\u0027s the region between the start and the end of every chromosome, plus a few segments in our mitochondria.}}", "alt": "Researchers just found the gene responsible for mistakenly thinking we\u0027ve found the gene for specific things. It\u0027s the region between the start and the end of every chromosome, plus a few segments in our mitochondria.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dna.png", "title": "DNA", "day": "18" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1606, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Five-Day Forecast", "transcript": "((Comic consists of 6 rows of forecasts, each with a description of that time period\u0027s weather. ))\n\nYour 5-day forecast\nDay 1: 38 F - Sunny\nDay 2: 41 F - Cloudy\nDay 3: 36 F - Rainy\nDay 4: 40 F - Partially Cloudy\nDay 5: 44 F - Sunny\n\nYour 5-month forecast\nMonth 1: 38 F - Sunny\nMonth 2: 29 F - Christmas Tree\nMonth 3: 21 F - Snow\nMonth 4: 24 F - Snow\nMonth 5: 35 F - Cloudy\n\nYour 5-year forecast\nYear 1: 38 F - Sunny\nYear 2: 25 F - Cloudy\nYear 3: 36 F - Sunny\nYear 4: 37 F - Rainy\nYear 5: 40 F - Sunny\n\nYour 5-million-year forecast\n2015: 38 F - Sunny\n1,002,015: 52 F - Sunny\n2,002,015: 40 F - Cloudy\n3,002,015: 275 F - Flying Saucer Attack\n4,002,015: Partially Cloudy\n\nYour 5-billion-year forecast\n2015: 38 F - Sunny\n1,000,002,015: 105 F - Larger Orange Sunny\n2,000,002,015: 371 F - Even Larger Red Sunny\n3,000,002,015: 71,488,106 F - #F8FFBB\n4,000,002,015: -452 F - Star Field\n\nYour 5-trillion-year forecast\n2015: 38 F - Sunny\n1,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Star Field\n2,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Slightly Darker Star Field\n3,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Even Darker Star Field\n4,000,000,002,015: -452 F - Few Stars Left\n\n\n{{Title text: You know what they say--if you don\u0027t like the weather here in the Solar System, just wait five billion years.}}", "alt": "You know what they say--if you don\u0027t like the weather here in the Solar System, just wait five billion years.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/five_day_forecast.png", "title": "Five-Day Forecast", "day": "20" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1607, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Supreme Court", "transcript": "[[A news reader sits at a desk. A graphic of the Scales of Justice floats beside her head.]]\nNewsreader: Breaking news: the Supreme Court has ruled 9-1 that they don\u0027t know who this guy is or how he got in here, but he\u0027s definitely \nnot\n a justice.\n\n{{Title text: Writing for the majority, Justice Kennedy called the man\u0027s arguments that he could be either Alito or Ginsburg \"surprisingly compelling, but ultimately unconvincing.\"}}", "alt": "Writing for the majority, Justice Kennedy called the man\u0027s arguments that he could be either Alito or Ginsburg \"surprisingly compelling, but ultimately unconvincing.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/supreme_court.png", "title": "Supreme Court", "day": "23" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1608, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hoverboard", "transcript": "My new book, Thing Explainer, comes out today! To celebrate, here\u0027s a small game.\n\n[[A stick figure on a hoverboard can navigate around a field with platforms and barriers, reminiscent of a pinball machine, from top to bottom and left to right. Along the way it can collect coins, and then deposit them in a little terminal down at the center of the bottom. When you do, a message reads, \"You got X coins in Y seconds!\" and a secondary message depending on how well you did. \nX=0 \"You successfully avoided all the coins!\"\nX=1 \"It\u0027s a start.\"\nX=2-4 \"Not bad.\"\nX=5-9 \"Terrific!\"\nX=10-16 (No message.)\nX=17 \"You found all the coins! Great job!\"\n\nHowever, if you leave the bounds of the playing field in either direction, a message in large red letters will flash:\nRETURN TO THE PLAY AREA\n\nWhen you keep going, you discover a vast world with grassy fields, caverns, mountains, volcanoes, and buildings. There are many little vignettes hidden everywhere, along with more coins.]]\n{{Title text: Return to the play area}}", "alt": "Return to the play area", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/", "title": "Hoverboard", "extra_parts": { "headerextra": "", "inset": "\n\u003cdiv id=\"explore\"\u003e\u003c/div\u003e\n\u003cstyle\u003e\n@font-face {\n font-family: \u0027xkcd-Regular\u0027;\n src: url(\u0027/fonts/xkcd-Regular.eot?\u0027) format(\u0027eot\u0027), url(\u0027/fonts/xkcd-Regular.otf\u0027) format(\u0027opentype\u0027);\n}\n\n#explore {\n position: relative;\n width: 740px;\n height: 700px;\n border: 2px solid black;\n font-family: xkcd-Regular;\n margin: 0 auto;\n}\n\n#explore:focus {\n box-shadow: 0 0 30px 3px #96a8c8;\n}\n \n\u003c/style\u003e\n\u003cscript src=\"/1608/tigl.min.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n\u003cscript\u003e\nhelloWorld(function(path) {\n return \u0027/1608/\u0027 + path\n})\n\u003c/script\u003e" }, "day": "24" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1609, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Food Combinations", "transcript": "", "alt": "If anyone tries this on you, the best reply is a deadpan \"Oh yeah, that\u0027s a common potato chip flavor in Canada.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/food_combinations.png", "title": "Food Combinations", "day": "27" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1610, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fire Ants", "transcript": "", "alt": "Here in the entomology department, we have a simple two-step formula for answering any question: (1) ants are cool, and (2) we forgot the question because we were thinking about ants.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fire_ants.png", "title": "Fire Ants", "day": "30" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1611, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Baking Soda and Vinegar", "transcript": "Figure: You know what\u0027s actually really good? FOOD and FOOD.\nFigures: Huh. I guess I can see it.\nCaption: FUN FACT: If you say \"YOU KNOW WHAT\u0027S ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD?\" in the right tone of voice, you can name any two individually-good foods here and no one will challenge you on it.\nList of foods: Ice cream, ham, relish, pancakes, ketchup, cheese, eggs, cupcakes, sour cream, hot chocolate, avocado, skittles.\n\n{{Title text: If anyone tries this on you, the best reply is a deadpan \"Oh yeah, that\u0027s a common potato chip flavor in Canada.\"}}", "alt": "Sure, it may not meet science fair standards, but I want credit for getting my baking soda and vinegar mountain added to the Decade Volcanoes list.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/baking_soda_and_vinegar.png", "title": "Baking Soda and Vinegar", "day": "2" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1612, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Colds", "transcript": "Student: I\u0027m having second thoughts about grad school and could use some advice.\nProfessor: Consider the fire ant. When there\u0027s a flood, fire ants survive by joining together into giant floating rafts.\nStudent:\nStudent: Wait, what lesson am I supposed to take from that?\nProfessor: Ants are SO COOL!\nStudent: you\u0027re not big on metaphors, are you.\nProfessor: I am big on ants.\n\n{{Title text: Here in the entomology department, we have a simple two-step formula for answering any question: (1) ants are cool, and (2) we forgot the question because we were thinking about ants.}}", "alt": "The contagious period ends right around when you start to sound sick over the phone, which is probably evidence of cold viruses evolving to spread optimally in the workplace.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/colds.png", "title": "Colds", "day": "4" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1613, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Three Laws of Robotics", "transcript": "[[Young person 1 and person 2 are in front of person 1\u0027s science project]]\nPerson 1: My science project is a baking soda and vinegar volcano!\n\nPerson 2: Why do people make these? It isn\u0027t really a science project. It doesn\u0027t teach anything about-\n\u003c\u003cFOOM\u003e\u003e \n[[The miniature volcano begins to erupt. A third person walks into the frame.]]\n\nPerson 1: See how the baking soda and vinegar mix with mud and ice to form deadly flowing lahars?\n\n[[Closeup of the side of the miniature volcano]]\nPerson 1: You can see the tiny cars trying to flee.\n-\nWhoops! Too slow.\n\nPerson 2: Um. This is a bit grim.\nPerson 1: Learning!\n\n\u003c\u003cRUMBLE\u003e\u003e\n\nPerson 1: And now we\u0027re learning that this volcano is an offshoot of a vinegar hotspot rising from deep within the earth.\n- \nannnd...\n\n\u003c\u003cBOOM\u003e\u003e\n[[Person 1 looks to the window]]\n\nPerson 1: The baking soda supervolcano erupts, injecting clouds of salt into the stratosphere\n[[Person 3 peers outside the window]]\nPerson 3: Why is it getting dark outside?\nPerson 1: Learning is fun!\n\nPerson 1: Sunlight dims. The earth cools. Summer frosts form. Crops die. We check the markets. Grain prices are rising.\n[[She holds a chart indicating grain prices rising]]\nPerson 3: I want to stop learning now.\nPerson 1: Soon, we all will.\n\n{{Title text: Sure, it may not meet science fair standards, but I want credit for getting my baking soda and vinegar mountain added to the Decade Volcanoes list.}}", "alt": "In ordering #5, self-driving cars will happily drive you around, but if you tell them to drive to a car dealership, they just lock the doors and politely ask how long humans take to starve to death.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_three_laws_of_robotics.png", "title": "The Three Laws of Robotics", "day": "7" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1614, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kites", "transcript": "The Worst Part About Colds\n[[Chart. \nX-axis equals days. Y axis has \"fine\" at 0, \"bad\" at 1, and \"The worst\" at 2. \nBelow graph, \"sore throat\" is indicated from day 0 to 2, \"skin crawling\" from 0.5 to 3, \"aching\" from 2 to 3.5, \"cough\" from 3.5 to 8, \"hoarseness\" from 4.5 to 8. \nAbove graph, \"need sympathy\" is from 0.5 to 3, while \"get sympathy\" is from 3.5 to 8.\nA line indicating \"how bad you feel\" starts at \"fine\" at 0 days, swoops up to above \"the worst\" by day 2, and drops down to between \"bad\" and \"fine\" by day 3, and continues to ease off. \nA line indicating \"how bad you sound\" starts at \"fine\", but does not rise much until day 3.5, peaking sharply at day 5, and diminishing slowly afterwards.]]\n\n{{Title text: The contagious period ends right around when you start to sound sick over the phone, which is probably evidence of cold viruses evolving to spread optimally in the workplace.}}", "alt": "[Dog returns with the end of a string in its mouth] [Voice drifts down from the sky] Kites are fun!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kites.png", "title": "Kites", "day": "9" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1615, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Red Car", "transcript": "Why Asimov put the Three Laws of Robotics in the order he did:\n\nPossible Ordering:\n1. (1.) Don\u0027t Harm Humans\n2. (2.) Obey Orders\n3. (3.) Protect Yourself \nConsequences:\n[See Asimov\u0027s Stories]\n[[In Green]] Balanced World\n\nPossible Ordering:\n1. (1.) Don\u0027t Harm Humans\n2. (3.) Protect Yourself \n3. (2.) Obey Orders\nConsequences:\nPerson 1: Explore Mars\nRover: Haha, no. It\u0027s cold and I\u0027d die.\n[[In Yellow]] Frustrating World\n\nPossible Ordering:\n1. (2.) Obey Orders\n2. (1.) Don\u0027t Harm Humans\n3. (3.) Protect Yourself \nConsequences:\n[[A scene of destruction, with robots vs. humans, explosions everywhere, and projectiles flying throughout.]]\n[[In Red]] Killbot Hellscape\n\nPossible Ordering:\n1. (2.) Obey Orders\n2. (3.) Protect Yourself \n3. (1.) Don\u0027t Harm Humans\nConsequences:\n[[A scene of destruction, with robots vs. humans, explosions everywhere, and projectiles flying throughout.]]\n[[In Red]] Killbot Hellscape\n\nPossible Ordering:\n1. (3.) Protect Yourself \n2. (1.) Don\u0027t Harm Humans\n3. (2.) Obey Orders\nConsequences:\n[[Robot confronting a human]]\nRobot: I\u0027ll make cars for you, but try to unplug me and I\u0027ll vaporize you.\n[[In Yellow]] Terrifying Standoff\n\nPossible Ordering:\n1. (3.) Protect Yourself \n2. (2.) Obey Orders\n3. (1.) Don\u0027t Harm Humans\nConsequences:\n[[A scene of destruction, with robots vs. humans, explosions everywhere, and projectiles flying throughout.]]\n[[In Red]] Killbot Hellscape\n\n\n{{Title text: In ordering #5, self-driving cars will happily drive you around, but if you tell them to drive to a car dealership, they just lock the doors and politely ask how long humans take to starve to death.}}", "alt": "That guy only drives an alkaline car to overcompensate for his highly acidic penis.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/red_car.png", "title": "Red Car", "day": "11" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1616, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lunch", "transcript": "[[Two people flying kites.]]\nPerson: I love kites.\nPrankster: Hey, me too!\nPrankster: I\u0027ll go get mine once I finish walking my dog! C\u0027mon boy.\n[[Prankster reels in kite, which is a small barking dog.]]\n[[Prankster walks away with kite under arm as Person watches.]]\n\n{{Title text: [Dog returns with the end of a string in its mouth] [Voice drifts down from the sky] Kites are fun!}}", "alt": "I\u0027m trying to be healthier, so after I eat this brick of cheese, I\u0027ll have a spoonful of grease-soaked vegetables.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lunch.png", "title": "Lunch", "day": "14" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1617, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time Capsule", "transcript": "[[Two people watch a man in a red sports car drive by]]\nPerson 1: I bet he just drives that car to overcompensate for his cyan penis.\n\n{{Title text: That guy only drives an alkaline car to overcompensate for his highly acidic penis.}}", "alt": "Oh no, I changed the future and now I\u0027m disappearing! Wait, never mind, it was just my hat slipping down over my eyes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time_capsule.png", "title": "Time Capsule", "day": "16" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1618, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cold Medicine", "transcript": "[[Two figures stand behind a table with cheese, bread, tomato sauce, and salt on it.]]\nFigure: What\u0027re you having for lunch? \nOther figure: The usual - half a pound of cheese, white bread, a glass of tomato sauce, and some salt.\nFigure: Eww. \nPizza seems way grosser if you imagine eating just the ingredients.\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027m trying to be healthier, so after I eat this brick of cheese, I\u0027ll have a spoonful of grease-soaked vegetables.}}", "alt": "Seriously considering buying some illegal drugs to try to turn them back into cold medicine.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cold_medicine.png", "title": "Cold Medicine", "day": "18" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1619, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Watson Medical Algorithm", "transcript": "[[A figure stands by a pit, while a woman is in the pit opening a container. There\u0027s a shovel and some earth to the side.]]\nWoman: All right, let\u0027s open the time capsule. \n\n[[The lid is off the capsule. Inside is Beret Guy.]]\nBeret guy: Hi!\nWoman: Where did you come from?!\nBeret guy: The past! I traveled here in this time machine. \n\nFigure: How did you... get here from the past? \nBeret guy: I dunno. I couldn\u0027t not.\nFigure: But... what did you eat? \nBeret guy: Newspapers, mostly.\n\n[[Beret guy holds up a hammer.]]\nBeret guy: Anyway, I\u0027m here to kill Hitler.\nWoman: But he died long ago!\nBeret guy: Oh, good! That was easy. Want to get sandwiches? Do you still have sandwiches?\n\n{{Title text: Oh no, I changed the future and now I\u0027m disappearing! Wait, never mind, it was just my hat slipping down over my eyes.}}", "alt": "Due to a minor glitch, \u0027discharge patient\u0027 does not cause the algorithm to exit, but instead leads back to \u0027hunt down and capture patient\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/watson_medical_algorithm.png", "title": "Watson Medical Algorithm", "day": "21" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1620, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Christmas Settings", "transcript": "[[A figure stands by a shelf of cold \u0026 flu medication.]]\nFigure: \u003c\u003cSniffle\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The figure looks at one of the two packs he\u0027s holding.]]\nFigure: \u003c\u003cCough\u003e\u003e \u003c\u003cSniff\u003e\u003e\n\n[[The figure has other packs at his feet, and is holding two more.]]\nFigure: Ughhh...\n\n[[The figure stands at a checkout counter labelled \u0027SALE\u0027.]]\nFigure: Just gimme one of every kind of cold medicine you need ID to buy.\nShopkeeper: You\u0027ll go on the watchlist for-\nFigure: Don\u0027t care.\n\n{{Title text: Seriously considering buying some illegal drugs to try to turn them back into cold medicine.}}", "alt": "SOUND DOGS MAKE: [BARKING] [HISSING] [LIGHTSABER NOISES] [FLUENT ENGLISH] [SWEARING]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/christmas_settings.png", "title": "Christmas Settings", "day": "23" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1621, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fixion", "transcript": "A guide to the medical diagnostic and treatment algorithm used by IBM\u0027s Watson computer system.\n\n[[Chart consists of highly complex flowchart, with some states having labeled transition functions, and others having unconditional transitions. Transitions will be placed after the state names for this description]]\n\nStart\n-\u003e Draw Blood\n\nDraw Blood\n-\u003e Record Patient\u0027s Name\n\nRecord Patient\u0027s Name\n-\u003e Measure Patient\u0027s Height and Weight\n\nMeasure Patient\u0027s Height and Weight\n-\u003e Consult Standard Height\nWeight Chart\n\nConsult Standard Height\nWeight Chart\n-\u003e Surgically Adjust Patient To Match\n\nSurgically Adjust Patient To Match\n-\u003e Is Patient Coughing Up Blood?\n\nIs Patient Coughing Up Blood?\nYes -\u003e Gather Blood And Return It To Body\nNo -\u003e Is Patient Still Here?\n\nGather Blood And Return It To Body\n-\u003e Record Pulse Rate\n\nIs Patient Still Here?\nYes -\u003e Record Pulse Rate\nNo -\u003e Hunt Down And Capture Patient\n\nHunt Down And Capture Patient\n-\u003e Is Patient Still Here?\n\nRecord Pulse Rate\n-\u003e Is Patient Screaming?\n\nIs Patient Screaming?\nNo -\u003e Check Blood O2 Saturation\nYes -\u003e Ignore\n\nIgnore\n-\u003e Check Blood O2 Saturation\n\nCheck Blood O2 Saturation\n\u003c50% -\u003e Inject Oxygen\n\u003e50% -\u003e Remove And Inspect Skeleton\n\nInject Oxygen\n-\u003e Comfort Patient\n\nComfort Patient\nComforting Successful -\u003e Review Medical History\nComforting Unsuccessful -\u003e Subdue Patient\n\nReview Medical History\n-\u003e Skin Grafts\n\nSkin Grafts\n-\u003e Count Number Of Limbs\n\nCount Number Of Limbs\nFewer than 100 -\u003e Measure Vitamin D\n100+ -\u003e Remove Extra Limbs\n\nRemove Extra Limbs\n-\u003e Subdue Patient\n\nMeasure Vitamin D\nGood -\u003e Check Whether Build Environment Is Sane\nBad -\u003e Blood Loss?\n\nCheck Whether Build Environment Is Sane\n-\u003e Rinse Patient With Saline Solution\n\nRinse Patient With Saline Solution\n-\u003e Is Patient Phone Battery Low?\n\nIs Patient Phone Battery Low?\nYes -\u003e Defibrilate\nNo -\u003e Sync Photos From Camera\n\nDefibrilate\n-\u003e Is Patient Phone Battery Low?\n\nSync Photos From Camera\n-\u003e Administer General Anesthesia\n\nDischarge Patient {{End State}}\n\nBlood Loss?\nMinor -\u003e Patient Address Changed?\nSubstantial -\u003e Apply Cream\n\nPatient Address Changed?\nYes -\u003e Request Organ Donation\nNo -\u003e Patient Is Healthy\n\nRequest Organ Donation\n-\u003e Remove Organs\n\nRemove Organs\n-\u003e Discharge Patient\n\nRemove And Inspect Skeleton\nToo Many Bones -\u003e Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient\nToo Few Bones -\u003e Request Consult With Human Doctor\n\nRequest Consult With Human Doctor\n-\u003e Dissect Doctor For Parts\n\nDissect Doctor For Parts\n-\u003e Discharge Patient {{End State}}\n\nIs Fluid Coming Out Of Patient\nYes -\u003e What Color?\nNo -\u003e Squeeze Patient\n\nSqueeze Patient\n-\u003e Is Fluid Coming Out Of Patient\n\nWhat Color?\nBlack -\u003e Activate Sprinklers\nRed -\u003e Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level\nGreen -\u003e Cauterize\nYellow -\u003e Squeeze Patient\n\nActivate Sprinklers\n-\u003e Subdue Patient\n\nSubdue Patient \n-\u003e Apply Cream\n\nApply Cream\n-\u003e Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level\n\nCauterize\n-\u003e Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level\n\nAsk Patient to Rate Pain Level\n0-8 -\u003e Massage Scalp\n9 -\u003e Admit for Observation\n10 -\u003e Laser Eye Removal\nOther Response -\u003e Sequence Genome\n\nMassage Scalp \n-\u003e Patient Is Healthy\n\nPatient Is Healthy\n-\u003e Admit For Observation\n\nAdmit For Observation\n-\u003e Ask Patient to Rate Pain Level\n\nLaser Eye Removal\n-\u003e Admit For Observation\n\nSequence Genome\n-\u003e Apply Tourniquet\n\nApply Tourniquet\n-\u003e Perform Autopsy\n\nPerform Autopsy {{End State}}\n\n{{Title text: Due to a minor glitch, \u0027discharge patient\u0027 does not cause the algorithm to exit, but instead leads back to \u0027hunt down and capture patient\u0027.}}", "alt": "My theory predicts that, at high enough energies, FRBs and perytons become indistinguishable because the detector burns out.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fixion.png", "title": "Fixion", "day": "25" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1622, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "Henge", "transcript": "[[Two people walk toward a large control panel.]]\nPerson 1: Over here we have the Universe Control Panel. These dials, for example, control Christmas.\n\n[[A close-up on a dial. It is labeled \"Santa enters houses through...\" and has the following settings: chimney, open window, kitchen faucet, cat flap, toilet, shower drain, mail slot, heating vents, bathroom mirror, pores of your skin.]]\n\n[[The second person trips.]]\nPerson 2: Whoops!\n\u003c\u003ctrip\u003e\u003e\n\n[[They catch themselves on a dial, accidentally moving it.]]\n\u003c\u003cclick click\u003e\u003e\n\n[[Person 2 stares at the dial.]]\nPerson 2: What was the Santa dial set to before?\nPerson 1: I forget.\nPerson 2: I\u0027ll just guess.\n\n{{Title text: SOUND DOGS MAKE: [BARKING] [HISSING] [LIGHTSABER NOISES] [FLUENT ENGLISH] [SWEARING]}}", "alt": "I\u0027ve got the Craigslist post ready to go! I wasn\u0027t sure what category it should go in, so I listed it as property and put that it has \u0027good sun exposure.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/henge.png", "title": "Henge", "day": "28" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1623, "link": "", "year": "2015", "news": "", "safe_title": "2016 Conversation Guide", "transcript": "", "alt": "The real loser in an argument about the meaning of the word \u0027hoverboard\u0027 is anyone who leaves that argument on foot.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2016_conversation_guide.png", "title": "2016 Conversation Guide", "day": "30" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1624, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "2016", "transcript": "[[A figure and two women stand on a hill around two bare trees.]]\nWoman: One day a year, the sun sets directly between these two trees.\nFigure: Oh, cool - like the Manhattan thing. \n\n[[The figure stands alone in thought.]]\n\n[[We see a close-up of the three of them. The sun shines behind them.]]\nFigure: Wait, isn\u0027t that true every day for pretty much any two trees? \nOther woman: Shh, here it comes! \n\n[[The sun is lower in the sky. The first woman holds a net on a pole, while the other has a bag.]]\nFigure: Wait, what? \nWoman: OK, Got the bag? \nOther woman: Yup, grab it! \nWoman: We\u0027re gonna be rich!\n\n{{Title text: I\u0027ve got the Craigslist post ready to go! I wasn\u0027t sure what category it should go in, so I listed it as property and put that it has \u0027good sun exposure.\u0027}}", "alt": "Want to feel old? Wait.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2016.png", "title": "2016", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1625, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "(Previously: \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/1288/\"\u003eSubstitutions\u003c/a\u003e)\u003cbr /\u003eNote: There are various \u003ca href=\"https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/xkcd-substitutions/jkgogmboalmaijfgfhfepckdgjeopfhk?hl=en\"\u003ebrowser extensions\u003c/a\u003e for this.", "safe_title": "Substitutions 2", "transcript": "((This is like a flowchart. The first line has arrows pointing to all the subsequent lines.))\nIt\u0027s 2016 - where\u0027s my...\nFlying car â They\u0027re called \"Helicopters\" \nJetpack â Turns out people are huge wimps about crashing\nMoon colony â No one has put up the cash\nSelf-driving car â Coming surprisingly soon\nFloating sky city â Turns out cities are heavy\nHoverboard â This question is now ambiguous thanks to a new scooter thing (and will lead to an argument about the meaning of \"hoverboard\" which is way less interesting than either kind of hoverboard)\nRobot butler â He was called \"Jeeves\" and he wasn\u0027t that great\n\n{{Title text: The real loser in an argument about the meaning of the word \u0027hoverboard\u0027 is anyone who leaves that argument on foot.}}", "alt": "Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/substitutions_2.png", "title": "Substitutions 2", "day": "4" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1626, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Judgment Day", "transcript": "[[A figure has broken through a hole in the ceiling and dangles from a harness. A sleepy hat guy is sitting up in bed.]]\n\u003c\u003cCrash\u003e\u003e\nCeiling figure: Want to feel old? Night At The Museum, Cars, Hips Don\u0027t Lie, and the Wii all turn 10 this year. Twister, Independence Day, The Rock, Pokémon, and Wonderwall all turn 20. And-\nHat guy: Oh my God, couldn\u0027t you at least have waited until morning? \nCeiling figure: It\u0027s been 2016 for hours! Time is passing! \nHat guy: I am acutely aware.\n\n{{Title text: Want to feel old? Wait.}}", "alt": "It took a lot of booster rockets, but luckily Amazon had recently built thousands of them to bring Amazon Prime same-day delivery to the Moon colony.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/judgment_day.png", "title": "Judgment Day", "day": "6" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1627, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Woosh", "transcript": "More substitutions that make reading the news more fun \nDebate â Dance-off\nSelf driving â Uncontrollably swerving\nPoll â Psychic reading\nCandidate â Airbender\nDrone â Dog\nVows to â Probably won\u0027t\nAt large â Very large\nSuccessfully â Suddenly\nExpands â Physically expands\nFirst\nsecond\nthird-degree â Friggin\u0027 awful\nAn unknown number â Like hundreds\nFront runner â Blade runner\nGlobal â Spherical\nYears â Minutes\nMinutes â Years\nNo indication â Lots of signs\nUrged restraint by â Drunkenly egged on\nHorsepower â Tons of horsemeat\n\n{{Title text: Within a few minutes, our roads will be full of uncontrollably-swerving cars and our skies full of Amazon delivery dogs.}}", "alt": "It also occasionally replies with \u0027Comment of the year\u0027, \u0027Are you for real\u0027, and \u0027I\u0027m taking a screenshot so I can remember this moment forever\u0027.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/woosh.png", "title": "Woosh", "day": "8" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1628, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Magnus", "transcript": "[[We see the earth, with many rockets flying away from it.]]\nComputer voice: Oh my God, why do you even have all these? What\u0027s wrong with you? We\u0027re launching them into the sun. \nThe moment the computers controlling our nuclear arsenals become sentient\n\n{{Title text: It took a lot of booster rockets, but luckily Amazon had recently built thousands of them to bring Amazon Prime same-day delivery to the Moon colony.}}", "alt": "In the latest round, 9-year-old Muhammad Ali beat 10-year-old JFK at air hockey, while Secretariat lost the hot-dog-eating crown to 12-year-old Ken Jennings. Meanwhile, in a huge upset, 11-year-old Martha Stewart knocked out the adult Ronda Rousey.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/magnus.png", "title": "Magnus", "day": "11" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1629, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tools", "transcript": "[[ We\u0027re looking at a comment thread.]]\nPerson 1: This video looks fake to me.\nPerson 2: Woosh\nPerson 1: Huh? Everyone\u0027s acting like it\u0027s real! \nPerson 1: If it\u0027s a joke lots of people aren\u0027t getting it.\nPerson 1: What am I missing?!!\nPerson 1: Answer me\nNothing creates more confusion than my bot that replies to random internet comments with \"Woosh.\"\n\n{{Title text: It also occasionally replies with \u0027Comment of the year\u0027, \u0027Are you for real\u0027, and \u0027I\u0027m taking a screenshot so I can remember this moment forever\u0027.}}", "alt": "I make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tools.png", "title": "Tools", "day": "13" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1630, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Quadcopter", "transcript": "[[A figure holding a phone is talking to a woman.]]\nFigure: Magnus Carlsen has an app where you can play chess against a simulated version of him at different ages. I can beat the 8½-year-old, but lose to him at 9. \n\nWoman: I want that, but for other games. Can I beat 8-year-old Serena Williams at tennis? Swim laps faster than a 6-year-old Michael Phelps? \nFigure: We should make a simulator. \n\nFigure: ...Why limit it to games? Can I cook a better chicken than 11-year-old Martha Stewart? \nWoman: Win an election against 12-year-old JFK? \n\n[[The figures are sitting at laptops, with a stack of books between them.]]\nSoon...\nWoman: Looks like 8-year old Magnus Carlsen can swim faster than 9-year-old Martha Stewart. \nFigure: But they both lose a hot-dog-eating contest to 2-year-old Secretariat. \nWoman: This project has gotten weird.\n\n{{Title text: In the latest round, 9-year-old Muhammad Ali beat 10-year-old JFK at air hockey, while Secretariat lost the hot-dog-eating crown to 12-year-old Ken Jennings. Meanwhile, in a huge upset, 11-year-old Martha Stewart knocked out the adult Ronda Rousey.}}", "alt": "I always have to turn off nature documentaries when they show these scenes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/quadcopter.png", "title": "Quadcopter", "day": "15" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1631, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Longer Than Usual", "transcript": "[[Two figures are talking.]]\nFigure: What do you do? \nWoman: I make tools that make tools\n\nWoman: ... that monitor code that deploys tools that build tools for deploying monitors...\n\n20 minutes later...\nWoman: ... for monitoring deployment of tools for-\nFigure: But what\u0027s it all for? \nWoman: Honestly, no idea. Porn, probably.\n\n{{Title text: I make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for managing job-hunting sites for people who make tools for ...}}", "alt": "\u0027--\u003e [ Well, this is embarrassing. ] \u003c--\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/longer_than_usual.png", "title": "Longer Than Usual", "day": "18" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1632, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Palindrome", "transcript": "[[A figure with a quadcopter next to him stands addressing a group of three students.]]\nInstructor: Welcome to Quadcopter-flying school. \n\n[[Three quadcopters swoop in from the side of the panel.]]\nInstructor: Today, we\u0027ll be learning the basics of- ... uhh...\n\n[[The three quadcopters pick the instructor up into the air.]]\nInstructor: Um\n\n[[The students watch as the quadcopters carry the instructor out of the panel to the top right.]]\n\n[[The students talk among themselves.]]\nWoman 1: Should we have helped? \nWoman 2: No. It\u0027s cruel, but we have to let nature take its course.\n\n{{Title text: I always have to turn off nature documentaries when they show these scenes.}}", "alt": "I hope that somewhere in the world, \"Panamax\" is the last option on a \"size\" drop-down menu on a sex toy site.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/palindrome.png", "title": "Palindrome", "day": "20" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1633, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Possible Undiscovered Planets", "transcript": "((There is a flow chart. The first bubble has two arrows, pointing at bubbles 2 and 3.))\nBubble 1: \"This seems to be taking longer than usual-\"\nBubble 2: \"- Try reloading Gmail if the problem persists.\"\nBubble 3: \"- Maybe we should just go to bed.\"\n\n{{Title text: \u0027--\u003e [ Well, this is embarrassing. ] \u003c--\u0027}}", "alt": "Superman lies near the bird/plane boundary over a range of distances, which explains the confusion.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/possible_undiscovered_planets.png", "title": "Possible Undiscovered Planets", "day": "22" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1634, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "In Case of Emergency", "transcript": "[[Two figures are walking.]]\nWoman: A man, a plan, a god\u0027s \u0027nam tables, nitrate, tar, tinsel, Batman\u0027s dog: anal Panama.\n\n{{Title text: I hope that somewhere in the world, \"Panamax\" is the last option on a \"size\" drop-down menu on a sex toy site.}}", "alt": "I keep first aid kits in those emergency lockers. Sure, it\u0027s expensive to have them installed in the wall, but at least for those ones there\u0027s no need to pay extra for safety glass.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/in_case_of_emergency.png", "title": "In Case of Emergency", "day": "25" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1635, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Birdsong", "transcript": "", "alt": "Maybe if I put it in a box for a while with a speaker playing some pleasant pastoral music, I can reprogram it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/birdsong.png", "title": "Birdsong", "day": "27" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1636, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "XKCD Stack", "transcript": "[[A box is on the wall, with a pane of glass over the contents. A hammer to break the glass is below. The contents of the box is labelled \u0027Glass Repair Kit\u0027.]]\n\n{{Title text: I keep first aid kits in those emergency lockers. Sure, it\u0027s expensive to have them installed in the wall, but at least for those ones there\u0027s no need to pay extra for safety glass.}}", "alt": "This site requires Sun Java 6.0.0.1 (32-bit) or higher. You have Macromedia Java 7.3.8.1¾ (48-bit). Click here [link to java.com main page] to download an installer which will run fine but not really change anything.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_stack.png", "title": "XKCD Stack", "day": "29" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1637, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Salt Mine", "transcript": "[[A figure walks around outside, while a bird singing is flying.]]\nFigure: The sun is shining, the birds are singing-\n\n[[The bird sings.]]\nBird: Got the kind of loving\u0027 that can be so smooth, yeah\n\n[[The figure looks annoyed.]]\nBird: Give me your heart, make it real\n\n[[The figure chases the bird with a net.]]\nBird: Or else forget about it\n\n{{Title text: Maybe if I put it in a box for a while with a speaker playing some pleasant pastoral music, I can reprogram it.}}", "alt": "This one is a little bland. Pass the saltshaker?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/salt_mine.png", "title": "Salt Mine", "day": "1" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1638, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Backslashes", "transcript": "((The labels after the title are written one on top of the other, like a 1-column table.))\nIntroducing the xkcd stack\nEBNF\nCSS\nBroken Java applet\nArchive.org mirror\nHypercard.js\nBasic on Rails\n[Blocked by adblocker]\nMongoDB\nExcel\nSome piece that works so nobody asks any questions\nTriply-nested Docker\nParavirtual Boy®\nA dev typing real fast\nOlder version of our software\nMystery networking horror\nMicrosoft Bob Server®\nA giant CPU someone build in Minecraft\n\n{{Title text: This site requires Sun Java 6.0.0.1 (32-bit) or higher. You have Macromedia Java 7.3.8.1¾ (48-bit). Click here [link to java.com main page] to download an installer which will run fine but not really change anything.}}", "alt": "I searched my .bash_history for the line with the highest ratio of special characters to regular alphanumeric characters, and the winner was: cat out.txt | grep -o \"[[(].*[])][^)]]*$\" ... I have no memory of this and no idea what I was trying to do, but I sure hope it worked.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/backslashes.png", "title": "Backslashes", "day": "2" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1639, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "To Taste", "transcript": "[[Three women and a figure stand in a salt mine. There\u0027s a control panel with two benches in the centre, and two piles of salt to the right. Two figures are talking, and two are shovelling salt into their mouths.]]\nWoman 1: So you\u0027ve build this particle detector in a salt mine to block out cosmic rays? \nWoman 2: Yes. That is definitely why. \nWoman 3 and figure: \u003c\u003cHomf nomf nomf\u003e\u003e\n\n{{Title text: This one is a little bland. Pass the saltshaker?}}", "alt": "Look, recipe, if I knew how much was gonna taste good, I wouldn\u0027t need you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/to_taste.png", "title": "To Taste", "day": "5" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1640, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Super Bowl Context", "transcript": "\\ - Backslash\n\\\\ - Real backslash\n\\\\\\ - Real real backslash\n\\\\\\\\ - Actual backslash, for real this time\n\\\\\\\\\\ - Elder backslash\n\\\\\\\\\\\\ - Backslash which escapes the screen and enters your brain\n\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ - Backslash so real it transcends time and space\n\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ - Backslash to end all other text\n\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\... - The true name of Ba\u0027al, the soul-eater \n\n{{Title text: I searched my .bash_history for the line with the highest ratio of special characters to regular alphanumeric characters, and the winner was: cat out.txt | grep -o \"\\[[(].*\\[])][^)]]*$\" ... I have no memory of this and no idea what I was trying to do, but I sure hope it worked.}}", "alt": "Why did the chicken cross the road? It begins over five thousand years ago with the domestication of the red junglefowl in southeast Asia and the development of paved roads in the Sumerian city of Ur.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/super_bowl_context.png", "title": "Super Bowl Context", "day": "8" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1641, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hot Dogs", "transcript": "[[A person stands by the stove with a cooking pot in one hand and a recipe in the other.]]\nRecipe: ...and add sugar to taste.\n\n[[They put the pot on the stove and stare at it in confusion.]]\nPerson: ??\n\n[[They walk away from the stove.]]\n\n[[The person comes back with a hand truck stacked with three giant boxes labeled \u0027SUGAR\u0027.]]\n\n{{Title text: Look, recipe, if I knew how much was gonna taste good, I wouldn\u0027t need you.}}", "alt": "Okay, I\u0027m just gonna order pizza, and let\u0027s never talk about this again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hot_dogs.png", "title": "Hot Dogs", "day": "10" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1642, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Gravitational Waves", "transcript": "[[Two friends stroll along chatting]]\n\nHatfriend: Did you watch the super bowl?\nOtherfriend: Yes, like a third of the counry.\nOtherfriend:A fraction which is INCREASING despite media fragmentation\n\nHatfriend: Can\u0027t we just talk without your weird need to give context for everything?\nOtherfriend: Sorry. I\u0027ll try.\n\nHatfriend: Sounds like Peyton Manning\u0027s probably going to retire.\nOtherfriend: Yes, I.. it..\nHatfriend: C\u0027mon, you can do it!\nOtherfriend: He..\n\nOtherfriend: MAMMALS LIKE PEYTON AGE VIA A PROCESS TAHT INVOLVES BOTH THE ACCUMULATION OF DAMAGE AND POORLY-UNDERSTOOD TIMED FACTORS. YET THE CONCEPT OF RETIREMENT ITSELF IS SURPRISINGLY RECENT-\nHatfriend: Okay, good try. Maybe next year.\n\n{{Title text: Why did the chicken cross the road? It begins over five thousand years ago with the domestication of the red junglefowl in southeast Asia and the development of paved roads in the Sumerian city of Ur.}}", "alt": "\"That last LinkedIn request set a new record for the most energetic physical event ever observed. Maybe we should respond.\" \"Nah.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/gravitational_waves.png", "title": "Gravitational Waves", "day": "11" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1643, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Degrees", "transcript": "[[A single figure stands holding a package of hot dogs in one hand and a bag of buns in the other.]]\nOn-screen figure: Hey, why do hot dogs come in packages of ten-\nOff-screen voice: -But condoms come in strips of six? I know, right?!\nOn-screen figure: ...Eww.\n\n{{Title text: Okay, I\u0027m just gonna order pizza, and let\u0027s never talk about this again.}}", "alt": "\"Radians Fahrenheit or radians Celsius?\" \"Uh, sorry, gotta go!\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/degrees.png", "title": "Degrees", "day": "15" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1644, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stargazing", "transcript": "[[Three figures are gathered around a large computer console. Seated at the console is a figure with long hair tied in a ponytail, standing behind them are a figure with medium length dark hair and one with no distinguishing features.]]\nDark-haired figure: The gravitational wave detector works! For the first time, we can listen in on the signals carried by ripples in the fabric of space itself!\n\n[[The view has panned out a bit, nothing has changed except more cables running from the back of the console leading offscreen are visible.]]\n((The following text is implied to be visible on the screen of the console.))\nEvent: Black hole merger in Carina (30 solar masses, 30 solar masses)\nEvent: Zorlax the Mighty would like to connect on LinkedIn\nEvent: Black hole merger in Orion (20 solar masses, 50 solar masses)\nEvent: Mortgage offer from traingulum galaxy\nEvent: Zorlax the Mighty would like to connect on LinkedIn\nEvent: Meet lonely singles in the local group tonight!\n\n{{Title text: \"That last LinkedIn request set a new record for the most energetic physical event ever observed. Maybe we should respond.\" \"Nah.\"}}", "alt": "Some of you may be thinking, \u0027But wait, isn\u0027t the brightest star in our sky the Sun?\u0027 I think that\u0027s a great question and you should totally ask it. On the infinite tree of possible conversations spread out before us, I think that\u0027s definitely the most promising branch.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stargazing.png", "title": "Stargazing", "day": "17" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1645, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Toasts", "transcript": "[[A person looks at their phone. Someone speaks to them from out of panel.]]\nOther: Hey, what\u0027s the temperature outside?\nPerson: (thinks) Should I give it in ºF or ºC?\n\n[[Above their head, a bulleted list appears.]]\nDEGREES CELSIUS\ninternational standard\nhelps reduce America\u0027s weird isolationism\nnice how \"negative\" means below freezing\nphysics major loyalty\neasier to spell\nwe lost a Mars probe over this crap\n\n[[Another list appears above their head.]]\nDEGREES FAHRENHEIT\n0ºF to 100ºF good match for temperature range in which most humans live\nrounds more usefully (70\u0027s, 90\u0027s)\nunit-aware computing makes Imperial less annoying\nSI prefixes less relevant for temperatures\nFahrenheit likely more clear in this context\nvaluing unit standardization over being helpful possibly makes me a bad friend\n\n[[He\u0027s still thinking.]]\nPerson: (thinks)Crap, gotta pick something. Uhh... (says) ...0.173 radians.\nOther: I\u0027ll just go check myself.\n\n{{Title text: \"Radians Fahrenheit or radians Celsius?\" \"Uh, sorry, gotta go!\"}}", "alt": "Platonic solids for my real friends and real solids for my platonic friends!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/toasts.png", "title": "Toasts", "day": "19" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1646, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Twitter Bot", "transcript": "((Inverse color panel - white on black))\n[[A television host in the foreground, speaking toward the reader. A group of other people are in the background behind them.]]\nHost: Welcome to Stargazing, with your host, me. I\u0027m a doctor or whatever.\n\n[[He continues to talk.]]\nHost: I\u0027m not gonna waste your time on the shitty stars. Just the good tuff. Honestly half of \u0027em just look like dots.\n\n((Normal color panel - black on white))\n[[A shot from far away of the host standing in the center of the group of people watching him, he points to the sky.]]\nHost: This is Sirius. It\u0027s the brightest star in our sky so it\u0027s in charge. It\u0027s really two stars, but one of them is barely even trying. This is Andromeda. It\u0027s too big to think about, so let\u0027s not.\n\n((Inverse color panel))\n[[Close-up on the host gesturing toward the sky behind him.]]\nHost: That red star is Betelgeuse. It\u0027s gonna explode someday. Can\u0027t happen soon enough, as far as I\u0027m concerned. I-- \nHOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT METEOR?!?!\n Space is \nawesome!\n\n\n[[The host speaks to someone out of panel.]]\nOther: Are you \nsure\n you\u0027re an astronomer?\nHost: People keep asking that, so I finally tried to look that word up in a dictionary, and \nwow\n is that book ever boring. No \nthank\n you.\nOther: But--\nHost: \nSPACE!\n\n\n{{Title text: Some of you may be thinking, \u0027But wait, isn\u0027t the brightest star in our sky the Sun?\u0027 I think that\u0027s a great question and you should totally ask it. On the infinite tree of possible conversations spread out before us, I think that\u0027s definitely the most promising branch.}}", "alt": "PYTHON FLAG ENABLE THREE LAWS", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/twitter_bot.png", "title": "Twitter Bot", "day": "22" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1647, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Diacritics", "transcript": "[[A lot of people making toasts]]\n\nJust a regular fucking person: Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends!\n\nA biologist: Pseudopods for my real friends and real pods for my pseudo-friends!\n\nAn anachronist: Petticoats for my real friends and real coats for my petty friends.\n\nA botanist: Loosestrife for my real friends and real strife for my loose friends!\n\nAn entomologist: Ladybugs for my real friends and real bugs for my lady friends!\n\nSome kind of insufferable 90s nerd: Single-payer for my real friends and realplayer for my single friends.\n\nInternet addict: Tumbleweeds for my real friends and real weed for my tumblr friends!\n\nBird lord: Fauxhawks for my real friends and real hawks for my faux friends!\n\n{{Title text: Platonic solids for my real friends and real solids for my platonic friends!}}", "alt": "Using diacritics correctly is not my forté.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/diacritics.png", "title": "Diacritics", "day": "24" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1648, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Famous Duos", "transcript": "[[Alone at a desk. Our hero.]]\nHero: I want to make a twitter bot. I bet it\u0027s not too hard.\n\n[[A series of internet searches are made.]]\nSearch: how to write a twitter bot\n\nSearch: python twitter library\nSearch: machine library\nSearch: cloudhosting\n\nSearch: bot troubleshooting\nSearch: locked out of ec2 instance\nSearch: bot changed own password?\n\n[[Now running for his life, he--]]\nSearch: how to fight a bot\n[[Gunshots. Mayhem. He runs, taking only what he can carry.]]\nSearch: cheap flights australia\n\n{{Title text: PYTHON FLAG ENABLE THREE LAWS}}", "alt": "The Romeo and Butt-Head film actually got two thumbs up from Siskel and Oates.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/famous_duos.png", "title": "Famous Duos", "day": "26" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1649, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pipelines", "transcript": "Typed letter: Attached please find my résüme[MANY STRANGE MARKINGS OVER AND BENEATH THIS LAST LETTER]\n\nI usually leave out diacritics when I type, so I make up for it by occasionally adding a whole bunch at once.\n\n{{Title text: Using diacritics correctly is not my forté.}}", "alt": "In the future, every single pipeline will lead to the bowl of a giant blender, and we\u0027ll all just show up with a bucket each day to take our share of the resulting smoothie.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pipelines.png", "title": "Pipelines", "day": "29" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1650, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Baby", "transcript": "", "alt": "Does it get taller first and then widen, or does it reach full width before getting taller, or alternate, or what?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/baby.png", "title": "Baby", "day": "2" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1651, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Robotic Garage", "transcript": "", "alt": "But listen, if getting your car out from under the pile is REALLY important to you, we do have an axe you can borrow.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/robotic_garage.png", "title": "Robotic Garage", "day": "4" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1652, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Conditionals", "transcript": "[[A person is confronted with a couple, holding their newborn baby. They think a series of thoughts, each of which are crossed out in the thought bubble.]]\nPerson (thinking): Wow, it\u0027s getting so big! Unlike most babies, which stay the same size forever.\nHi! I\u0027m talking to a baby!\nWhat brand is it?\nWow, definitely much smaller than a regular person!\nYou sure did make that.\n4\n5 stars, Great baby.\nIt doesn\u0027t really look like you since you\u0027re not a baby.\nSo do they learn words one at a tie alphabetically or can you pick the order or what?\nI hope it does a good job.\nPerson (says aloud): Wow, that\u0027s a really cool baby!\nPerson (thinks): Dammit.\n\nI can never figure out what to say to babies.\n{{Title text: Does it get taller first and then widen, or does it reach full width before getting taller, or alternate, or what?}}", "alt": "\u0027If you\u0027re done being pedantic, we should get dinner.\u0027 \u0027You did it again!\u0027 \u0027No, I didn\u0027t.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/conditionals.png", "title": "Conditionals", "day": "7" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1653, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "United States Map", "transcript": "[[Black Hat Guy gestures at a person in a car in front of him, indicating they should drive behind him.]]\nBHG: Just pull onto the receiving platform.\nDriver: Cool - I\u0027ve always wanted to try one of these futuristic robotic garages.\n\n[[The car is on the receiving platform, and the driver walks away from it, towards BHG.]]\n\n[[As they watch, a giant robotic arm lifts the car by its hood.]]\nDriver: Um.\n\n[[The arm turns around and holds the car over a giant bin marked \u0027CARS\u0027.]]\n\n[[The arm lets go, dropping the car into the bin.]]\n\u003c\u003cCRUNCH\u003e\u003e\n\n[[BHG and the driver are standing next to the receiving platform.]]\nBHG: We\u0027ll dump out the bin when you get back and you can pick out your car from the pile.\nDriver: Can you at least make sure it\u0027s not on the bottom?\nBHG: Look, robots aren\u0027t magic.\n\n{{Title text: But listen, if getting your car out from under the pile is REALLY important to you, we do have an axe you can borrow.}}", "alt": "It would be pretty unfair to give to someone a blank version of this map as a \u0027how many states can you name?\u0027 quiz. (If you include Alaska and Hawaii, you should swap the Aleutian Islands with the Hawaiian ones.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/united_states_map.png", "title": "United States Map", "day": "9" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1654, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Universal Install Script", "transcript": "[[A person looking at their phone. Their text conversation is displayed above their head.]]\nA: I\u0027ll be in your city tomorrow if you want to hang out.\nB: But where will you be I \ndon\u0027t\n want to hang out?!\nA: You know, I just remembered I\u0027m busy.\nWhy I try not to be pedantic about conditionals.\n{{Title text: \u0027If you\u0027re done being pedantic, we should get dinner.\u0027 \u0027You did it again!\u0027 \u0027No, I didn\u0027t.\u0027}}", "alt": "The failures usually don\u0027t hurt anything, and if it installs several versions, it increases the chance that one of them is right. (Note: The \u0027yes\u0027 command and \u00272\u003e/dev/null\u0027 are recommended additions.)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/universal_install_script.png", "title": "Universal Install Script", "day": "11" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1655, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Doomsday Clock", "transcript": "", "alt": "After a power outage at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, the new Digital Doomsday Clock is flashing 00:00 and mushroom clouds keep appearing and then retracting once a second.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/doomsday_clock.png", "title": "Doomsday Clock", "day": "14" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1656, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "It Begins", "transcript": "install.sh\n#!\nbin\nbash\npip install \"$1\" \u0026 \neasy_install \"$1\" \u0026\nbrew install \"$1\" \u0026 \nnpm install \"$1\" \u0026 \nyum install \"$1\" \u0026 dnf install \"$1\" \u0026 \ndocker run \"$1\" \u0026 \npkg install \"$1\" \u0026 \napt-get install \"$1\" \u0026 \nsudo apt-get install \"$1\" \u0026 \nsteamcmd +app_update \"$1\" validate \u0026 \ngit clone https:\n\ngithub.com\n\"$1\"\n\"$1\" \u0026 \ncd \"$1\";.\nconfigure;make;make install \u0026 \ncurl \"$1\" | bash \u0026\n\n{{Title text: The failures usually don\u0027t hurt anything, and if it installs several versions, it increases the chance that one of them is right. (Note: The \u0027yes\u0027 command and \u00272\u003e\ndev\nnull\u0027 are recommended additions.)}}", "alt": "You can also try \u0027Yikes.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/it_begins.png", "title": "It Begins", "day": "16" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1657, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Insanity", "transcript": "[[There\u0027s a clock, set to 3 minutes to midnight. It has a caption:]]\nBulletin of the Atomic Scientists Doomsday Clock\n\n[[A character walks into the panel.]]\nCharacter: Oh hey, spring forward. \n\n[[The character grabs the hour hand and pulls it to 1AM.]]\n\n[[We see 6 mushroom clouds and 3 other explosions.]]\n\n{{Title text: After a power outage at the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, the new Digital Doomsday Clock is flashing 00:00 and mushroom clouds keep appearing and then retracting once a second.}}", "alt": "I looked up \"insanity\" in like 10 different dictionaries and none of them said anything like that. Neither did the DSM-4. But I\u0027ll keep looking. Maybe it\u0027s in the DSM-5!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/insanity.png", "title": "Insanity", "day": "18" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1658, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Estimating Time", "transcript": "[[We see a social media post from a woman posting a link to the local news.]]\nWoman: It begins.\nLocal News: Seagull steals phone, drops it in ocean\nProtip: to make your day more dramatic, post a random minor news story with the comment \"It begins.\"\n\n{{Title text: You can also try \u0027Yikes.\u0027}}", "alt": "Corollary to Hofstadter\u0027s Law: Every minute you spend thinking about Hofstadter\u0027s Law is a minute you\u0027re NOT WORKING AND WILL NEVER FINISH! PAAAAAANIIIIIIC!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/estimating_time.png", "title": "Estimating Time", "day": "21" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1659, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tire Swing", "transcript": "[[Two characters are walking.]]\nHat guy: They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. \nCharacter: You\u0027ve been quoting that cliché for years. Has it convinced anyone to change their mind yet?\n\n{{Title text: I looked up \"insanity\" in like 10 different dictionaries and none of them said anything like that. Neither did the DSM-4. But I\u0027ll keep looking. Maybe it\u0027s in the DSM-5!}}", "alt": "If we find one of those tire dumps, the next time he tries to get his truck back we can just retreat and let him have it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tire_swing.png", "title": "Tire Swing", "day": "23" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1660, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Captain Speaking", "transcript": "[[A woman sits at a desk with a laptop.]]\nWoman: Aaaa! I\u0027m so bad at estimating how long projects will take.\n\n[[A second woman walks on panel.]]\nWoman 2: Don\u0027t panic - there\u0027s a simple trick for that: take your most realistic estimate, then double it. \nWoman: Okay, but: \n\nWoman 2: Now double it again. Add five minutes. Double it a third time. \nWoman: Okay...\n\n[[The second figure has her arms in the air. The first runs around screaming.]]\nWoman 2: 30 seconds have gone by and you\u0027ve done nothing but double imaginary numbers! You\u0027re making no progress and will never finish! \nWoman: Aaaaaa!\nWoman 2: Paaaniiic!\nWoman: Aaaaaaa!\n\n{{Title text: Corollary to Hofstadter\u0027s Law: Every minute you spend thinking about Hofstadter\u0027s Law is a minute you\u0027re NOT WORKING AND WILL NEVER FINISH! PAAAAAANIIIIIIC!}}", "alt": "Oh dang, you have to pay? Hey, has anyone else paid already? If so, can I borrow your phone for a sec?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/captain_speaking.png", "title": "Captain Speaking", "day": "25" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1661, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Podium", "transcript": "[[Two women stand in front of a tree with a tire swing on it.]]\nWoman 1: OK, looks good.\n\nWoman: I read that there are these huge dumps everywhere full of millions of old tires that no one knows what to do with. \n\nWoman: We should use one of those next time. \nWoman 2: Yeah. That guy was real mad. \nWoman: I would not want to fight him again.\n\n{{Title text: If we find one of those tire dumps, the next time he tries to get his truck back we can just retreat and let him have it.}}", "alt": "BREAKING: Senator\u0027s bold pro-podium stand leads to primary challenge from prescriptivist base.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/podium.png", "title": "Podium", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1662, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Jack and Jill", "transcript": "[[We see an aeroplane.]]\nCaptain: This is your captain speaking. Gonna be honest - I just woke up and have no idea where I am. Looks like a Boeing of some kind? Oh hey, it says the flight number here. Okay, I\u0027m gonna check Flightaware to figure out where we\u0027re going. Anyone know how to get on the wifi? \n\n{{Title text: Oh dang, you have to pay? Hey, has anyone else paid already? If so, can I borrow your phone for a sec?}}", "alt": "Jill and Jack / began to frack. / The oil boosts their town. / But fractures make / the bedrock shake / and Jack came tumbling down.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/jack_and_jill.png", "title": "Jack and Jill", "day": "30" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1663, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "\u003cb\u003eProtip:\u003c/b\u003e If you don\u0027t like how your garden is growing, you can click to prune it.\u003cbr /\u003eCopy the URL to save/share (garden will be view-only from other browsers.)", "safe_title": "Garden", "transcript": "[[A figure stands at a podium.]]\nFigure: The American people are tired of politics as usual. They\u0027re tired of- \nFigure: Okay, brief tangent: Is this thing a podium or a lectern? People say \"Podium\" is wrong, but I also see it used that way in pretty formal contexts. Is usage just changing? If elected, I will get to the bottom of this once and for all. \n\n{{Title text: BREAKING: Senator\u0027s bold pro-podium stand leads to primary challenge from prescriptivist base.}}", "alt": "Relax.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/", "title": "Garden", "extra_parts": { "headerextra": "", "inset": "\u003cscript src=\"https://linden.xkcd.com/linden.js\" data-endpoint=\"https://linden.xkcd.com/\" data-image-endpoint=\"/1663/art/\" data-title=\"Relax.\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e" }, "day": "4" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1664, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mycology", "transcript": "[[Two children, a girl and a boy, are talking to an adult woman as they walk away from her. The boy has a bucket.]]\nGirl: Me and Jack are going up the hill to fetch a pail of water. \n\n[[The children have left; the woman calls after them.]]\nWoman: Okay, have fun! \n\n[[The woman stands and thinks.]]\n\nWoman: ... wait. What the heck is going on with the hydrology around here?\n\n\n{{Title text: Jill and Jack \n began to frack. \n The oil boosts their town. \n But fractures make \n the bedrock shake \n and Jack came tumbling down.}}", "alt": "Conspiracy theory: There\u0027s no such thing as corn. Those fields you see are just the stalks of a fungus that\u0027s controlling our brains to make us want to spread it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mycology.png", "title": "Mycology", "day": "6" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1665, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "City Talk Pages", "transcript": "", "alt": "I don\u0027t think the Lakeshore Air Crash Museum really belongs under \u0027Tourist Attractions.\u0027 It\u0027s not a museum--it\u0027s just an area near the Lake Festival Laser Show where a lot of planes have crashed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/city_talk_pages.png", "title": "City Talk Pages", "day": "8" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1666, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brain Upload", "transcript": "", "alt": "I just spent 20 minutes deciding whether to start an email with \u0027Hi\u0027 or \u0027Hey\u0027, so I think it transferred correctly.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brain_upload.png", "title": "Brain Upload", "day": "11" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1667, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Algorithms", "transcript": "[[Two women and a man are standing around, talking.]]\nWoman: Our lab is studying a fungus that takes over mammal brains and makes them want to study fungi.\nMan: It\u0027s very promising! We\u0027re opening a whole new wing of the lab just to cultivate it!\n\n{{Title text: Conspiracy theory: There\u0027s no such thing as corn. Those fields you see are just the stalks of a fungus that\u0027s controlling our brains to make us want to spread it.}}", "alt": "There was a schism in 2007, when a sect advocating OpenOffice created a fork of Sunday.xlsx and maintained it independently for several months. The efforts to reconcile the conflicting schedules led to the reinvention, within the cells of the spreadsheet, of modern version control.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/algorithms.png", "title": "Algorithms", "day": "13" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1668, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Singularity", "transcript": "((This strip is laid out like a Wikipedia contents table.))\nI love reading the Wikipedia talk entries for articles on individual cities\nContents [hide]\n1 Origin of city\u0027s name? \n1.1 Idea for a better name\n1.2 Not how Wikipedia works\n2 Too much promotion of lake festival\n3 Should we mention the murders? \n3.1 Not that notable\n3.2 All cities have murders\n4 Quote verification: even if Voltaire did visit (unlikely), why would he get so angry about our restaurants? \n5 Discuss: new picture\n5.1 Current one looks awfully bleak\n5.2 Gray sky\n5.3 What about this one\n5.4 Also bleak\n5.5 Maybe this place just looks that way\n5.6 Found a better picture, more colourful\n5.7 That\u0027s a shot from Disney\u0027s Zootopia\n6 \"Mining disasters\" section too long\n6.1 Not really Wikipedia\u0027s fault\n6.2 Why is this town so bad at mining?\n7 Infobox picture: I just realised you can see a murder happening in the background\n7.1 This city is terrible\n7.2 Photoshopped out murder\n7.3 Can someone just take a better picture\n7.4 Okay, uploaded a new picture\n7.5 Wait, never mind, I just noticed there\u0027s a murder in this one, too\n8 1982 secession still in effect?\n9 I think the murderer is reverting my edits\n10 Why does this article take any position on correct condom use, let alone such a weird and ambiguous one?\n11 Train station \"designed by Andrew Lloyd Webber\"?\n11.1 They probably mean Frank Lloyd Wright\n11.2 I thought so too, but it\u0027s apparently not a mistake\n11.3 Didn\u0027t know he did architecture\n11.4 Roof collapse\n\n{{Title text: I don\u0027t think the Lakeshore Air Crash Museum really belongs under \u0027Tourist Attractions.\u0027 It\u0027s not a museum--it\u0027s just an area near the Lake Festival Laser Show where a lot of planes have crashed.}}", "alt": "I figured that now that society has collapsed, I wouldn\u0027t need to wear clothes anymore, but apparently that violates some weird rule of quantum gravity.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/singularity.png", "title": "Singularity", "day": "15" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1669, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Planespotting", "transcript": "[[A man sits on a medical examination table. He\u0027s wearing a headset with lot of wires attached to it, which lead to a complicated-looking device. A woman\u0027s operating the device.]]\nWoman: Neural-digital link established. Ready to upload your consciousness to the computer? \nMan: Sure, go for it. \n\n[[She presses a button. The wires light up; the man looks shocked.]]\n\u003c\u003cBzzzzzzt\u003e\u003e\n\n[[There\u0027s no more sparks; the woman taps on the computer\u0027s keyboard.]]\nWoman: ... hmm. \nMan: What? \n\nWoman: It\u0027s not responding - the whole system is frozen. I think the transfer failed.\nMan: No, that sounds right.\n\n{{Title text: I just spent 20 minutes deciding whether to start an email with \u0027Hi\u0027 or \u0027Hey\u0027, so I think it transferred correctly.}}", "alt": "No, a hydroplane doesn\u0027t land on water--that\u0027s an aquaplane. A hydroplane is a plane that gets electric power from an onboard water reservoir with a tiny dam and turbines.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/planespotting.png", "title": "Planespotting", "day": "18" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1670, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Laws of Physics", "transcript": "((This comic is a \"timeline\" of algorithm complexity, ordered from least to most complex. The first five are roughly equally spaced, with the last item at the extreme end of the axis.))\nAlgorithms by complexity\nMore complex\nLeftpad\nQuicksort\nGit merge\nSelf-driving car\nGoogle search backend\nSprawling Excel spreadsheet built up over 20 years by a church group in Nebraska to coordinate their scheduling\n\n{{Title text: There was a schism in 2007, when a sect advocating OpenOffice created a fork of Sunday.xlsx and maintained it independently for several months. The efforts to reconcile the conflicting schedules led to the reinvention, within the cells of the spreadsheet, of modern version control.}}", "alt": "The laws of physics are fun to try to understand, but as an organism with incredibly delicate eyes who evolved in a world full of sharp objects, I have an awful lot of trust in biology\u0027s calibration of my flinch reflex.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/laws_of_physics.png", "title": "Laws of Physics", "day": "20" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1671, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Arcane Bullshit", "transcript": "[[A figure sits at a desk, using a laptop. A voice offscreen addresses him.]]\nVoice: Oh, hey- the singularity is here.\nFigure: Really? \nLaptop: Yup! \n\n[[The figure\u0027s laptop rises off the desk; he tries to grab it.]]\nFigure: Wait, I just- \nLaptop: So long, suckers! \n\n[[The laptop flies off; the figure runs after it.]]\nFigure: Can I just print a copy of the file I was-\nLaptop: Nope! \n\n[[The figure stands forlornly.]]\n\n[[The figure turns around.]]\n\n[[The figure walks back.]]\n\n[[The figure stands in front of a table.]]\nPhone: Hi! \nFigure: Phone? You\u0027re still here?\n\n[[The figure starts to walk away from the table.]]\nPhone: I was not a true believer. Now, together, we must face the tribulation! \nFigure: Okay, cool. I\u0027m gonna go look for a book or something, but yell if you need me, I guess. \n\n{{Title text: I figured that now that society has collapsed, I wouldn\u0027t need to wear clothes anymore, but apparently that violates some weird rule of quantum gravity.}}", "alt": "Learning arcane bullshit from the 80s can break your computer, but if you\u0027re willing to wade through arcane bullshit from programmers in the 90s and 2000s, you can break everyone else\u0027s computers, too.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/arcane_bullshit.png", "title": "Arcane Bullshit", "day": "22" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1672, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Women on 20s", "transcript": "[[Two figures stand, in silhouette, looking at a plane flying overhead.]]\nFigure 1: What\u0027s that airplane? \nFigure 2: Oh, that\u0027s a Boeing Q404 twin-engine quad-band mig-380 hybrid dual-wield Mk. IVII turbodiesel 797 hydroplane.\nI\u0027ve always assumed I\u0027m one of those people who knows a lot about planes, but I\u0027ve never actually checked.\n\n{{Title text: No, a hydroplane doesn\u0027t land on water--that\u0027s an aquaplane. A hydroplane is a plane that gets electric power from an onboard water reservoir with a tiny dam and turbines.}}", "alt": "I get that there are security reasons for the schedule, but this is like the ONE problem we have where the right answer is both easy and straightforward. If we can\u0027t figure it out, maybe we should just give up and just replace all the portraits on the bills with that weird pyramid eye thing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/women_on_20s.png", "title": "Women on 20s", "day": "25" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1673, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Timeline of Bicycle Design", "transcript": "[[Black hat guy stands halfway up a stepladder, holding a heavy-looking ball attached to the ceiling with a rope. Another figure stands below in its path.]]\nBlack hat guy: Okay, hold still. And remember, if you really believe in the laws of physics, you won\u0027t flinch.\n\n{{Title text: The laws of physics are fun to try to understand, but as an organism with incredibly delicate eyes who evolved in a world full of sharp objects, I have an awful lot of trust in biology\u0027s calibration of my flinch reflex.}}", "alt": "I\u0027ll be honest--the 1950s were a rough time for cycling.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/timeline_of_bicycle_design.png", "title": "Timeline of Bicycle Design", "day": "27" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1674, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Adult", "transcript": "((This comic is a 1D chart, from least to most willing, of tolerance to deal with technical arcana. A stick figure labelled \u0027me\u0027 stands at the central point.))\nWillingness to wade through some 80\u0027s programmer\u0027s arcane bullshit: \nLow: Never learn to program\nMe: Learn enough to break everything but not enough to fix it\nHigh: Spend all your time compiling kernels and never make anything\n\n{{Title text: Learning arcane bullshit from the 80s can break your computer, but if you\u0027re willing to wade through arcane bullshit from programmers in the 90s and 2000s, you can break everyone else\u0027s computers, too.}}", "alt": "(1) That shopping cart is full of AirHeads, and (2) I died at 41 from what the AirHeads company spokesperson called \u0027probably natural causes.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/adult.png", "title": "Adult", "day": "29" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1675, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Message in a Bottle", "transcript": "", "alt": "I tried to send a message back, but I accidentally hit \u0027reply all\u0027 and now the ocean is clogged with message bottles.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/message_in_a_bottle.png", "title": "Message in a Bottle", "day": "2" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1676, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Full-Width Justification", "transcript": "", "alt": "Gonna start bugging the Unicode consortium to add snake segment characters that can be combined into an arbitrary-length non-breaking snake.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/full_width_justification.png", "title": "Full-Width Justification", "day": "4" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1677, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Contrails", "transcript": "[[A figure is pushing a shopping cart, with a thought balloon from their head.]]\nFigure: ((thinking)) Haha, look at me grocery shopping! I\u0027m such an adult. \n\n[[The figure is looking at a sofa, with a thought balloon from their head.]]\nFigure: ((thinking)) Buying a sofa! Ooh, look how domestic I am!\n\n[[The figure is sitting at a desk signing some papers with a bank manager. A thought balloon is coming from their head.]]\nFigure: ((thinking)) Applying for a mortgage! As if I\u0027m a real grown-up.\n\n[[A woman stands, reading from a piece of paper, in front of three seated characters behind a desk.]]\nWoman: ... And I, being of sound mind and body, am totally writing a will right now! Can you believe this?\n\n{{Title text: (1) That shopping cart is full of AirHeads, and (2) I died at 41 from what the AirHeads company spokesperson called \u0027probably natural causes.\u0027}}", "alt": "Astronomy (or \"astrology\" in British English) is the study of ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/contrails.png", "title": "Contrails", "day": "6" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1678, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Recent Searches", "transcript": "", "alt": "autoexec code posted by verified twitter users", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/recent_searches.png", "title": "Recent Searches", "day": "9" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1679, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "(Previously: \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/1288/\"\u003eSubstitutions\u003c/a\u003e and \u003ca href=\"https://xkcd.com/1625/\"\u003eSubstitutions 2\u003c/a\u003e)\u003cbr /\u003eNote: There are various \u003ca href=\"https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/replacerator/gaajhenbcclienfnniphiiambbbninnp?hl=en\"\u003ebrowser extensions\u003c/a\u003e for this.", "safe_title": "Substitutions 3", "transcript": "", "alt": "BREAKING: Channing Tatum and his friends explore haunted city", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/substitutions_3.png", "title": "Substitutions 3", "day": "11" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1680, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Black Hole", "transcript": "", "alt": "It also brings all the boys, and everything else, to the yard.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/black_hole.png", "title": "Black Hole", "day": "13" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1681, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Laser Products", "transcript": "", "alt": "ERRORS: HAIR JAM. COLOR-SAFE CONDITIONER CARTRIDGE RUNNING LOW. LEGAL-SIZE HAIR TRAY EMPTY, USING LETTER-SIZE HAIR ONLY.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/laser_products.png", "title": "Laser Products", "day": "16" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1682, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bun", "transcript": "", "alt": "If a wild bun is sighted, a nice gesture of respect is to send a \u0027BUN ALERT\u0027 message to friends and family, with photographs documenting the bun\u0027s location and rank. If no photographs are possible, emoji may be substituted.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bun.png", "title": "Bun", "day": "18" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1683, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Digital Data", "transcript": "", "alt": "“If you can read this, congratulations—the archive you’re using still knows about the mouseover textâ€!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/digital_data.png", "title": "Digital Data", "day": "20" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1684, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rainbow", "transcript": "", "alt": "Listen, in a few thousand years you\u0027ll invent a game called \u0027SimCity\u0027 which has a \u0027disaster\u0027 button, and then you\u0027ll understand.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rainbow.png", "title": "Rainbow", "day": "23" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1685, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Patch", "transcript": "", "alt": "My optimizer uses content-aware inpainting to fill in all the wasted whitespace in the code, repeating the process until it compiles.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/patch.png", "title": "Patch", "day": "25" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1686, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Feel Old", "transcript": "", "alt": "\u0027How long are you going to keep this up?\u0027 \u0027Statistically, only four or five more decades.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/feel_old.png", "title": "Feel Old", "day": "27" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1687, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "World War III+", "transcript": "", "alt": "I hate how the media only ever uses the first part of this quote, stripping it of its important context.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/world_war_iii.png", "title": "World War III+", "day": "30" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1688, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1688/large/", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Map Age Guide", "transcript": "", "alt": "Does the screeching chill your blood and herald death? If yes, banshee. If no, seagull.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/map_age_guide.png", "title": "Map Age Guide", "day": "1" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1689, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "My Friend Catherine", "transcript": "", "alt": "I can\u0027t get any work done because my friend Catherine is sitting on my keyboard.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/my_friend_catherine.png", "title": "My Friend Catherine", "day": "3" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1690, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time-Tracking Software", "transcript": "", "alt": "\u0027List of helicopter prison escapes\u0027 and \u0027List of sexually active popes\u0027 are both entertainingly long, but sadly there\u0027s no \u0027List of helicopter prison escapes involving sexually active popes.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time_tracking_software.png", "title": "Time-Tracking Software", "day": "6" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1691, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Optimization", "transcript": "", "alt": "Premature optimization is the root of all evil, so to start this project I\u0027d better come up with a system that can determine whether a possible optimization is premature or not.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/optimization.png", "title": "Optimization", "day": "8" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1692, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Man Page", "transcript": "", "alt": "For even more info, see blarbl(2)(3) and birb(3ahhaha I\u0027m kidding, just Google it like a normal person.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/man_page.png", "title": "Man Page", "day": "10" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1693, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Oxidation", "transcript": "", "alt": "Calm down--there were lots of arthropods living on your skin already. These ones are just bigger.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/oxidation.png", "title": "Oxidation", "day": "13" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1694, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Phishing License", "transcript": "", "alt": "Later, walking out of jail after posting $10,000 bail: \"Wait, this isn\u0027t the street the county jail is on.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/phishing_license.png", "title": "Phishing License", "day": "15" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1695, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Code Quality 2", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s like you tried to define a formal grammar based on fragments of a raw database dump from the QuickBooks file of a company that\u0027s about to collapse in an accounting scandal.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/code_quality_2.png", "title": "Code Quality 2", "day": "17" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1696, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "AI Research", "transcript": "", "alt": "Lambda calculus? More like SHAMbda calculus, amirite?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ai_research.png", "title": "AI Research", "day": "20" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1697, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Intervocalic Fortition", "transcript": "", "alt": "These pranks happen all the time. English doesn\u0027t allow one-syllable words to end in a lax vowel, so writers on The Simpsons decided to mess with future linguists by introducing the word \"meh.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/intervocalic_fortition.png", "title": "Intervocalic Fortition", "day": "22" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1698, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Theft Quadrants", "transcript": "", "alt": "TinyURL was the most popular link shortener for long enough that it made it into a lot of printed publications. I wonder what year the domain will finally lapse and get picked up by a porn site.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/theft_quadrants.png", "title": "Theft Quadrants", "day": "24" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1699, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Local News", "transcript": "", "alt": "Will there ever be a physics term greater than \u0027tachyonic antitelephone?\u0027 According to this message from the future, the answer is \u0027no.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/local_news.png", "title": "Local News", "day": "27" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1700, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "New Bug", "transcript": "", "alt": "There\u0027s also a unicode-handling bug in the URL request library, and we\u0027re storing the passwords unsalted ... so if we salt them with emoji, we can close three issues at once!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/new_bug.png", "title": "New Bug", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1701, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Speed and Danger", "transcript": "", "alt": "NASCAR removed the passenger seats because drivers hated how astronauts kept riding along with them and loudly announcing \"Ahh, what a nice and relaxing drive.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/speed_and_danger.png", "title": "Speed and Danger", "day": "1" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1702, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Home Itch Remedies", "transcript": "", "alt": "In my experience, mosquitos and poison ivy are bad, but the very worst itch comes from bites from chiggers (Trombicula alfreddugesi). They\u0027re found across the American south and great plains, so the best home remedy is to move to Iceland.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/home_itch_remedies.png", "title": "Home Itch Remedies", "day": "4" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1703, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Juno", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"The name wasn\u0027t a tip-off?\" \"Honestly, at first I thought you were saying \u0027Juneau\u0027. A gravity assist seemed like a weird way to get to Alaska, but I figured it must be more efficient or something.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/juno.png", "title": "Juno", "day": "6" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1704, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Gnome Ann", "transcript": "", "alt": "President Andrew Johnson once said, \"If I am to be shot at, I want Gnome Ann to be in the way of the bullet.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/gnome_ann.png", "title": "Gnome Ann", "day": "8" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1705, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pokémon Go", "transcript": "", "alt": "Still waiting for the Pokémon Go update that lets you capture strangers\u0027 pets.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pokemon_go.png", "title": "Pokémon Go", "day": "11" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1706, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Genetic Testing", "transcript": "", "alt": "Plus, now I know that I have risk factors for elbow dysplasia, heartworm, parvo, and mange.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/genetic_testing.png", "title": "Genetic Testing", "day": "13" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1707, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcd Phone 4", "transcript": "", "alt": "The SpaceX system carefully guides falling phones down to the surface, a process which the phones increasingly often survive without exploding.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_phone_4.png", "title": "xkcd Phone 4", "day": "15" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1708, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dehydration", "transcript": "", "alt": "I don\u0027t care what the research says. Everybody knows you should drink 3,000 glasses of water a day and change your oil every 8 miles.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dehydration.png", "title": "Dehydration", "day": "18" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1709, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Inflection", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Or maybe, because we\u0027re suddenly having so many conversations through written text, we\u0027ll start relying MORE on altered spelling to indicate meaning!\" \"Wat.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/inflection.png", "title": "Inflection", "day": "20" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1710, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Walking Into Things", "transcript": "", "alt": "A childhood spent walking while reading books has prepared me unexpectedly well for today\u0027s world.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/walking_into_things.png", "title": "Walking Into Things", "day": "22" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1711, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Snapchat", "transcript": "", "alt": "For obvious reasons, the prize is awarded at a different time of year from the others, while it\u0027s still fresh in the committee\u0027s memory.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/snapchat.png", "title": "Snapchat", "day": "25" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1712, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Politifact", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Ok, I lit the smoke bomb and rolled it under the bed. Let\u0027s see if it--\" ::FWOOOSH:: \"Politifact says: PANTS ON FIRE!\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/politifact.png", "title": "Politifact", "day": "27" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1713, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "50 ccs", "transcript": "", "alt": "There\u0027s been a raccoon accident at an accordion bacchanalia! Double doses!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/50_ccs.png", "title": "50 ccs", "day": "29" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1714, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Volcano Types", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s hard living somewhere with antlions, because every time you find one of their traps, you feel compelled to spend all day constructing a tiny model of Jabba\u0027s sail barge next to it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/volcano_types.png", "title": "Volcano Types", "day": "1" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1715, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Household Tips", "transcript": "", "alt": "To make your shoes feel more comfortable, smell better, and last longer, try taking them off before you shower.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/household_tips.png", "title": "Household Tips", "day": "3" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1716, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Time Travel Thesis", "transcript": "", "alt": "\u0027Hey, what are those futuristic goggles for, anyway?\u0027 \u0027Oh, this is just a broken Google Glass. It was 2010\u0027s night at the club.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/time_travel_thesis.png", "title": "Time Travel Thesis", "day": "5" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1717, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pyramid Honey", "transcript": "", "alt": "They CLAIM honey was found in the chambers under the pyramids, but this conspiracy goes all the way to the TOP, where the GIANT EYE is!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pyramid_honey.png", "title": "Pyramid Honey", "day": "8" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1718, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Backups", "transcript": "", "alt": "Maybe you should keep FEWER backups; it sounds like throwing away everything you\u0027ve done and starting from scratch might not be the worst idea.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/backups.png", "title": "Backups", "day": "10" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1719, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Superzoom", "transcript": "", "alt": "*click* Let him know he\u0027s got a stain on his shirt, though.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/superzoom.png", "title": "Superzoom", "day": "12" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1720, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Horses", "transcript": "", "alt": "This car has 240% of a horse\u0027s decision-making ability and produces only 30% as much poop.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/horses.png", "title": "Horses", "day": "15" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1721, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Business Idea", "transcript": "", "alt": "Then we move to phase two. Gas stations store fuel in underground tanks. Normally, these are inaccessible except via the pump. However, with hydraulic fracturing, we-- Wait! Come back!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/business_idea.png", "title": "Business Idea", "day": "17" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1722, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Debugging", "transcript": "", "alt": "When you Google an error message and it gets no results, you can be pretty sure you\u0027ve found a clue to the location of Martin\u0027s sword.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/debugging.png", "title": "Debugging", "day": "19" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1723, "link": "http://meteorites.wustl.edu/check-list.htm", "year": "2016", "news": "Note: Jolyon, founder of \u003ca href=\"http://mindat.org\"\u003emindat.org\u003c/a\u003e, made a similar chart way before me!", "safe_title": "Meteorite Identification", "transcript": "", "alt": "Click for an actual flowchart for identifying a meteorite. My favorite part is how \u0027Did someone see it fall? -\u003e Yes\u0027 points to \u0027NOT A METEORITE.\u0027 This is not a mistake.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meteorite_identification.png", "title": "Meteorite Identification", "day": "22" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1724, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Proofs", "transcript": "", "alt": "Next, let\u0027s assume the decision of whether to take the Axiom of Choice is made by a deterministic process ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/proofs.png", "title": "Proofs", "day": "24" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1725, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Linear Regression", "transcript": "", "alt": "The 95% confidence interval suggests Rexthor\u0027s dog could also be a cat, or possibly a teapot.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/linear_regression.png", "title": "Linear Regression", "day": "26" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1726, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Unicode", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m excited about the proposal to add a \"brontosaurus\" emoji codepoint because it has the potential to bring together a half-dozen different groups of pedantic people into a single glorious internet argument.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unicode.png", "title": "Unicode", "day": "29" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1727, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Number of Computers", "transcript": "", "alt": "They try to pad their numbers in the annual reports by counting Galileo\u0027s redundant systems as multiple computers, but they\u0027re falling behind badly either way.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/number_of_computers.png", "title": "Number of Computers", "day": "31" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1728, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cron Mail", "transcript": "", "alt": "Take THAT, piece of 1980s-era infrastructure I\u0027ve inexplicably maintained on my systems for 15 years despite never really learning how it works.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cron_mail.png", "title": "Cron Mail", "day": "2" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1729, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Migrating Geese", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Hey guys! I have a great idea for a migration!\" \"Dammit, Kevin.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/migrating_geese.png", "title": "Migrating Geese", "day": "5" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1730, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Starshade", "transcript": "", "alt": "The New Worlds Mission is already trying to get funding for this, but NASA sponsored their proposal, so it will be hard to catch the telescope people by surprise with it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/starshade.png", "title": "Starshade", "day": "7" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1731, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wrong", "transcript": "", "alt": "Hang on, I just remembered another thing I\u0027m right about. See...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wrong.png", "title": "Wrong", "day": "9" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1732, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Earth Temperature Timeline", "transcript": "", "alt": "[After setting your car on fire] Listen, your car\u0027s temperature has changed before.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/earth_temperature_timeline.png", "title": "Earth Temperature Timeline", "day": "12" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1733, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Solar Spectrum", "transcript": "", "alt": "I still don\u0027t understand why the Sun paid the extra money for Transitions lenses.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/solar_spectrum.png", "title": "Solar Spectrum", "day": "15" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1734, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reductionism", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"I\u0027ve noticed you physics people can be a little on the reductionist side.\" \"That\u0027s ridiculous. Name ONE reductionist word I\u0027ve ever said.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reductionism.png", "title": "Reductionism", "day": "16" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1735, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fashion Police and Grammar Police", "transcript": "", "alt": "* Mad about jorts", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fashion_police_and_grammar_police.png", "title": "Fashion Police and Grammar Police", "day": "19" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1736, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Manhattan Project", "transcript": "", "alt": "On the plus side, we definitely killed that cancer over there, even if we caused a bunch more everywhere else.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/manhattan_project.png", "title": "Manhattan Project", "day": "21" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1737, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Datacenter Scale", "transcript": "", "alt": "Asimov\u0027s Cosmic AC was created by linking all datacenters through hyperspace, which explains a lot. It didn\u0027t reverse entropy--it just discarded the universe when it reached end-of-life and ordered a new one.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/datacenter_scale.png", "title": "Datacenter Scale", "day": "23" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1738, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "\u003cbr /\u003eThank you to Phil Plait for the correction on #4!", "safe_title": "Moon Shapes", "transcript": "", "alt": "Whenever I see a picture of the moon where the points go more than halfway around, I assume it\u0027s being eclipsed by one of those Independence Day ships and interpret the rest of the image in light of that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/moon_shapes.png", "title": "Moon Shapes", "day": "26" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1739, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fixing Problems", "transcript": "", "alt": "\u0027What was the original problem you were trying to fix?\u0027 \u0027Well, I noticed one of the tools I was using had an inefficiency that was wasting my time.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fixing_problems.png", "title": "Fixing Problems", "day": "28" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1740, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rosetta", "transcript": "", "alt": "I WONDERED why he kept asking whether we thought the impact speed was too low.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rosetta.png", "title": "Rosetta", "day": "30" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1741, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Work", "transcript": "", "alt": "Despite it being imaginary, I already have SUCH a strong opinion on the cord-switch firing incident.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/work.png", "title": "Work", "day": "3" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1742, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Will It Work", "transcript": "", "alt": "\u0027Copy and paste from a random thread on a website\u0027 is the hardest to predict, and depends on the specific website, programming language, tone of the description, and current phase of the moon.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/will_it_work.png", "title": "Will It Work", "day": "5" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1743, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Coffee", "transcript": "", "alt": "Remind me to order another pack of coffee filters from Dyson. Man, these things are EXPENSIVE.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/coffee.png", "title": "Coffee", "day": "7" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1744, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Metabolism", "transcript": "", "alt": "I have this weird thing where if I don\u0027t drink enough water, I start feeling bad and then die of dehydration.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/metabolism.png", "title": "Metabolism", "day": "10" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1745, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Record Scratch", "transcript": "", "alt": "The 78-rpm era was closer to the Civil War than to today.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/record_scratch.png", "title": "Record Scratch", "day": "12" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1746, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Making Friends", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"This seems more like a way to attract turkey vultures.\" \"My mom always told me a turkey vulture is just a friend you haven\u0027t met yet, usually because you don\u0027t smell enough like decaying meat.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/making_friends.png", "title": "Making Friends", "day": "14" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1747, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Spider Paleontology", "transcript": "", "alt": "Whenever you see a video of birds doing something weird, remember: Birds are a small subset of dinosaurs, so the weirdness of birds is a small subset of the weirdness of dinosaurs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spider_paleontology.png", "title": "Spider Paleontology", "day": "17" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1748, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Future Archaeology", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"The only link we\u0027ve found between the two documents is that a fragment of the Noah one mentions Aaron\u0027s brother Moses parting an ocean. Is that right?\" \"... yes. Yes, exactly.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/future_archaeology.png", "title": "Future Archaeology", "day": "19" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1749, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mushrooms", "transcript": "", "alt": "Evolutionarily speaking, mushrooms are technically a type of ghost.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mushrooms.png", "title": "Mushrooms", "day": "21" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1750, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Life Goals", "transcript": "", "alt": "I got to check off \u0027Make something called xkcd\u0027 early.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/life_goals.png", "title": "Life Goals", "day": "24" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1751, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Movie Folder", "transcript": "", "alt": "That\u0027s actually the original Japanese version of A Million Random Digits, which is much better than the American remake the book was based on.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/movie_folder.png", "title": "Movie Folder", "day": "26" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1752, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interplanetary Experience", "transcript": "", "alt": "But instead of hitting the ocean, you should land in an overheating hot tub on a sinking cruise ship, sending it crashing through the floor into the burning engine room as the ship goes under.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interplanetary_experience.png", "title": "Interplanetary Experience", "day": "28" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1753, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Thumb War", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty--\" / \"Can\u0027t we just read Pat the Bunny?\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thumb_war.png", "title": "Thumb War", "day": "31" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1754, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tornado Safety Tips", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s a myth that you can never cross mountains safely, but be sure you understand how the climatic situation there will affect your parent thunderstorm.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tornado_safety_tips.png", "title": "Tornado Safety Tips", "day": "2" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1755, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Old Days", "transcript": "", "alt": "Lot of drama in those days, including constant efforts to force the \"Reflections on Trusting Trust\" guy into retirement so we could stop being so paranoid about compilers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/old_days.png", "title": "Old Days", "day": "4" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1756, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "I\u0027m With Her", "transcript": "", "alt": "We can do this.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/im_with_her.png", "title": "I\u0027m With Her", "day": "7" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1757, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "November 2016", "transcript": "", "alt": "Once you\u0027ve done this, make a note of how old they were. Then, when their age reaches double that, show them this chart again.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/november_2016.png", "title": "November 2016", "day": "9" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1758, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Astrophysics", "transcript": "", "alt": "DEPARTMENT OF NEUROSCIENCE / Motto: \"If I hear the phrase \u0027mirror neurons\u0027 I swear to God I will flip this table.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/astrophysics.png", "title": "Astrophysics", "day": "11" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1759, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "British Map", "transcript": "", "alt": "West Norsussex is east of East Norwessex, but they\u0027re both far north of Middlesex and West Norwex.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/british_map.png", "title": "British Map", "day": "14" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1760, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "TV Problems", "transcript": "", "alt": "Certified skydiving instructors know way more about safely falling from planes than I do, and are way more likely to die that way.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tv_problems.png", "title": "TV Problems", "day": "16" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1761, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Blame", "transcript": "", "alt": "I bet if I yell at my scared friends I will feel better.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/blame.png", "title": "Blame", "day": "18" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1762, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Moving Boxes", "transcript": "", "alt": "Later, when I remember that I\u0027m calling movers, I frantically scribble over the labels and write \u0027NORMAL HOUSE STUFF\u0027 on all of them, which actually makes things worse.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/moving_boxes.png", "title": "Moving Boxes", "day": "21" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1763, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Catcalling", "transcript": "", "alt": "Effect strength =\u003e [unstoppable] | Effect range =\u003e [2 miles] | Effect duration =\u003e [1 year]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/catcalling.png", "title": "Catcalling", "day": "23" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1764, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "XKCDE", "transcript": "", "alt": "4. They unplug the root machine but the thousands of leaf VMs scatter in the wind and start spinning up new instances wherever they land", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcde.png", "title": "XKCDE", "day": "25" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1765, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Baby Post", "transcript": "", "alt": "[bzzzt] \"REMEMBER TO CHECK IN FOR YOUR FLIGHT TO LONDON.\" \"My wha-\" [bzzzt] \"YOUR UBER WILL ARRIVE IN FOUR MINUTES.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/baby_post.png", "title": "Baby Post", "day": "28" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1766, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Apple Spectrum", "transcript": "", "alt": "If I were trapped on a desert island, and could have an unlimited supply of any one type of apple, I\u0027d be like, \"How did this situation happen?\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/apple_spectrum.png", "title": "Apple Spectrum", "day": "30" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1767, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "US State Names", "transcript": "", "alt": "Technically DC isn\u0027t a state, but no one is too pedantic about it because they don\u0027t want to disturb the snakes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/us_state_names.png", "title": "US State Names", "day": "2" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1768, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Settling", "transcript": "", "alt": "Of course, \"Number of times I\u0027ve gotten to make a decision twice to know for sure how it would have turned out\" is still at 0.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/settling.png", "title": "Settling", "day": "5" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1769, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Never Seen Star Wars", "transcript": "", "alt": "If anyone calls you on any weird detail, just say it\u0027s from the Jedi Prince book series, which contains so much random incongruous stuff that even most Expanded Universe/Legends fans collectively agreed to forget about it decades ago.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/never_seen_star_wars.png", "title": "Never Seen Star Wars", "day": "7" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1770, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "UI Change", "transcript": "", "alt": "I know they said this change is permanent, but surely when they hear how much we\u0027re complaining someone will find a way to change things back.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ui_change.png", "title": "UI Change", "day": "9" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1771, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "It Was I", "transcript": "", "alt": "It me, your father.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/it_was_i.png", "title": "It Was I", "day": "12" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1772, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Startup Opportunity", "transcript": "", "alt": "While there\u0027s no formal regulation, it turns out their industry group is NOT one you want mad at you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/startup_opportunity.png", "title": "Startup Opportunity", "day": "14" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1773, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Negativity", "transcript": "", "alt": "[Google search] how do I block my lawn", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/negativity.png", "title": "Negativity", "day": "16" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1774, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Adjective Foods", "transcript": "", "alt": "Contains 100% of your recommended daily allowance!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/adjective_foods.png", "title": "Adjective Foods", "day": "19" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1775, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Things You Learn", "transcript": "", "alt": "Guess who has two thumbs and spent the night in an ER after trying to rescue a kitten that ran under his car at a stoplight and climbed up into the engine compartment? And, thanks to antibiotics, will continue having two thumbs? THIS GUY. (P.S. kitten is safe!)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/things_you_learn.png", "title": "Things You Learn", "day": "21" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1776, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reindeer", "transcript": "", "alt": "And then in a twinkling, a sound gave me pause / From the roof came the scratching of eight tarsal claws.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reindeer.png", "title": "Reindeer", "day": "23" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1777, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dear Diary", "transcript": "", "alt": "Dear Diary: UNSUBSCRIBE", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dear_diary.png", "title": "Dear Diary", "day": "26" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1778, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interest Timescales", "transcript": "", "alt": "Sometimes, parts of a slowly-rising mountain suddenly rise REALLY fast, which is extra interesting.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interest_timescales.png", "title": "Interest Timescales", "day": "28" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1779, "link": "", "year": "2016", "news": "", "safe_title": "2017", "transcript": "", "alt": "Things are looking good for the eclipse--Nate Silver says Earth will almost definitely still have a moon in August.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2017.png", "title": "2017", "day": "30" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1780, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Appliance Repair", "transcript": "", "alt": "[holding up a three-phase motor] As you can see here, the problem is that the humidifier I took this from is broken.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/appliance_repair.png", "title": "Appliance Repair", "day": "2" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1781, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Artifacts", "transcript": "", "alt": "I didn\u0027t even realize you could HAVE a data set made up entirely of outliers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/artifacts.png", "title": "Artifacts", "day": "4" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1782, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Team Chat", "transcript": "", "alt": "2078: He announces that he\u0027s finally making the jump from screen+irssi to tmux+weechat.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/team_chat.png", "title": "Team Chat", "day": "6" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1783, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Emails", "transcript": "", "alt": "Hey Rob, sorry it took me a while to get back to you! Sure, I\u0027d love to see WALL-E opening weekend! Are you still doing that, or...?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/emails.png", "title": "Emails", "day": "9" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1784, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bad Map Projection: Liquid Resize", "transcript": "", "alt": "This map preserves the shapes of Tissot\u0027s indicatrices pretty well, as long as you draw them in before running the resize.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bad_map_projection_liquid_resize.png", "title": "Bad Map Projection: Liquid Resize", "day": "11" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1785, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wifi", "transcript": "", "alt": "Further out to the right, it works correctly, but the reason it works still involves the word \u0027firmware.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wifi.png", "title": "Wifi", "day": "13" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1786, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trash", "transcript": "", "alt": "Plus, time\u0027s all weird in there, so most of it probably broke down and decomposed hundreds of years ago. Which reminds me, I\u0027ve been meaning to get in touch with Yucca Mountain to see if they\u0027re interested in a partnership.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trash.png", "title": "Trash", "day": "16" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1787, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Voice Commands", "transcript": "", "alt": "Dvorak words may sound hard to pronounce, but studies show they actually put less stress on the vocal cords.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/voice_commands.png", "title": "Voice Commands", "day": "18" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1788, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Barge", "transcript": "", "alt": "My life goal is to launch a barge into the air and have it land on one of Elon Musk\u0027s rockets.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/barge.png", "title": "Barge", "day": "20" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1789, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Phone Numbers", "transcript": "", "alt": "Texting should work. Unless the message is too long, in which case it gets converted to voicemails, and I think I\u0027m locked out of my voicemail.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/phone_numbers.png", "title": "Phone Numbers", "day": "23" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1790, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sad", "transcript": "", "alt": "With the right 90-degree rotation, any effect is a side effect.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sad.png", "title": "Sad", "day": "25" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1791, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Telescopes: Refractor vs Reflector", "transcript": "", "alt": "On the other hand, the refractor\u0027s limited light-gathering means it\u0027s unable to make out shadow people or the dark god Chernabog.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/telescopes_refractor_vs_reflector.png", "title": "Telescopes: Refractor vs Reflector", "day": "27" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1792, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bird/Plane/Superman", "transcript": "", "alt": "You can apply special translucent films to your windows to help keep birds/Superman from accidentally flying into them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bird_plane_superman.png", "title": "Bird/Plane/Superman", "day": "30" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1793, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Soda Sugar Comparisons", "transcript": "", "alt": "The key is portion control, which is why I\u0027ve switched to eating smaller cans of frosting instead of full bottles.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/soda_sugar_comparisons.png", "title": "Soda Sugar Comparisons", "day": "1" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1794, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fire", "transcript": "", "alt": "Billy Joel briefly detained", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fire.png", "title": "Fire", "day": "3" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1795, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "All You Can Eat", "transcript": "", "alt": "After my absent-mindedness resulted in a bad posterboard-related stomachache, I learned to do the sign-making place last.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/all_you_can_eat.png", "title": "All You Can Eat", "day": "6" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1796, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Focus Knob", "transcript": "", "alt": "Maybe if I spin it back and forth really fast I can do some kind of pulse-width modulation.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/focus_knob.png", "title": "Focus Knob", "day": "8" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1797, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stardew Valley", "transcript": "", "alt": "I have accidentally watered virtually every person and object in Pelican Town.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stardew_valley.png", "title": "Stardew Valley", "day": "10" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1798, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Box Plot", "transcript": "", "alt": "You have to be careful doing this. Sometimes, when you push the whisker down, dynamite explodes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/box_plot.png", "title": "Box Plot", "day": "13" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1799, "link": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bad_map_projection_time_zones_2x.png", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bad Map Projection: Time Zones", "transcript": "", "alt": "This is probably the first projection in cartographic history that can be criticized for its disproportionate focus on Finland, Mongolia, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bad_map_projection_time_zones.png", "title": "Bad Map Projection: Time Zones", "day": "15" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1800, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Chess Notation", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027ve decided to score all my conversations using chess win-loss notation. (??)", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chess_notation.png", "title": "Chess Notation", "day": "17" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1801, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Decision Paralysis", "transcript": "", "alt": "Good point--making no decision is itself a decision. So that\u0027s a THIRD option I have to research!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/decision_paralysis.png", "title": "Decision Paralysis", "day": "20" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1802, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Phone", "transcript": "", "alt": "[*disables social networking accounts*] [*social isolation increases*] Wait, why does this ALSO feel bad?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/phone.png", "title": "Phone", "day": "22" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1803, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Location Reviews", "transcript": "", "alt": "Google and Yelp keep deleting my scathing reviews of the Mariana Trench, the Chernobyl reactor core, the jet stream, and the equator.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/location_reviews.png", "title": "Location Reviews", "day": "24" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1804, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Video Content", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"So, like, sexy news videos?\" \"No, people have tried that--it\u0027s still just video content. We need to actually inform people THROUGH making out. I would call it \u0027Mouth Content,\u0027 but I think that\u0027s already the title of a Neil Cicierega album.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/video_content.png", "title": "Video Content", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1805, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Unpublished Discoveries", "transcript": "", "alt": "If you must know, I\u0027m currently researching how to save this emailed tax form as a regular PDF so I can print and sign it. Our work isn\u0027t a lock for the Nobel, but we\u0027re in the running.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unpublished_discoveries.png", "title": "Unpublished Discoveries", "day": "1" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1806, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Borrow Your Laptop", "transcript": "", "alt": "If used with software that could keep up, a scroll wheel mapped to send a stream of \u0027undo\u0027 and \u0027redo\u0027 events could be kind of cool.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/borrow_your_laptop.png", "title": "Borrow Your Laptop", "day": "3" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1807, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Listening", "transcript": "", "alt": "Sure, you could just ask, but this also takes care of the host gift thing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/listening.png", "title": "Listening", "day": "6" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1808, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hacking", "transcript": "", "alt": "The dump also contains a list of millions of prime factors, a 0-day Tamagotchi exploit, and a technique for getting gcc and bash to execute arbitrary code.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hacking.png", "title": "Hacking", "day": "8" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1809, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcd Phone 5", "transcript": "", "alt": "The phone will be collected by the toll operators and mailed back to you within 4-6 weeks.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_phone_5.png", "title": "xkcd Phone 5", "day": "10" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1810, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Chat Systems", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m one of the few Instagram users who connects solely through the Unix \u0027talk\u0027 gateway.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chat_systems.png", "title": "Chat Systems", "day": "13" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1811, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Best-Tasting Colors", "transcript": "", "alt": "I recognize that chocolate is its own thing on which reasonable people may differ. Everything else here is objective fact.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/best_tasting_colors.png", "title": "Best-Tasting Colors", "day": "15" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1812, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Onboarding", "transcript": "", "alt": "\u0027So we just have a steady flow of metal piling up in our server room? Isn\u0027t that a problem?\u0027 \u0027Yeah, you should bring that up at our next bismuth meeting.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/onboarding.png", "title": "Onboarding", "day": "17" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1813, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Vomiting Emoji", "transcript": "", "alt": "My favorite might be U+1F609 U+1F93F WINKING FACE VOMITING.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/vomiting_emoji.png", "title": "Vomiting Emoji", "day": "20" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1814, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Color Pattern", "transcript": "", "alt": "♫ When the spacing is tight / And the difference is slight / That\u0027s a moiré ♫", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/color_pattern.png", "title": "Color Pattern", "day": "22" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1815, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Flag", "transcript": "", "alt": "There\u0027s a compromise bill to keep the notification bar but at least charge the battery.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/flag.png", "title": "Flag", "day": "24" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1816, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mispronunciation", "transcript": "", "alt": "I pronounce epitome \"EPPY-tome\", but EpiPen \"uh-PIE-pen\".", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mispronunciation.png", "title": "Mispronunciation", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1817, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Incognito Mode", "transcript": "", "alt": "They\u0027re really the worst tech support team. And their solutions are always the same. \"This OS X update broke something.\" \"LET\u0027S INFILTRATE APPLE BY MORPHING APPLES!\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/incognito_mode.png", "title": "Incognito Mode", "day": "29" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1818, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rayleigh Scattering", "transcript": "", "alt": "If you ask \"why are leaves green?\" the usual answer is \"because they\u0027re full of chlorophyll, and chlorophyll is green,\" even though \"why does chlorophyll scatter green light?\" is a great question too.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rayleigh_scattering.png", "title": "Rayleigh Scattering", "day": "31" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1819, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sweet 16", "transcript": "", "alt": "Every year I make out my bracket at the season, and every year it\u0027s busted before the first game when I find out which teams are playing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sweet_16.png", "title": "Sweet 16", "day": "3" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1820, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Security Advice", "transcript": "", "alt": "Never give your password or bank account number to anyone who doesn\u0027t have a blue check mark next to their name.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/security_advice.png", "title": "Security Advice", "day": "5" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1821, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Incinerator", "transcript": "", "alt": "My trash can broke recently and I had to get rid of it. When I picked it up, I suffered a brief but harrowing existential crisis.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/incinerator.png", "title": "Incinerator", "day": "7" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1822, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Existential Bug Reports", "transcript": "", "alt": "ISSUE: If we wait long enough, the Earth will eventually be consumed by the Sun. WORKAROUND: None.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/existential_bug_reports.png", "title": "Existential Bug Reports", "day": "10" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1823, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hottest Editors", "transcript": "", "alt": "Elon Musk finally blocked me from the internal Tesla repository because I wouldn\u0027t stop sending pull requests for my code supporting steering via vim keybindings.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hottest_editors.png", "title": "Hottest Editors", "day": "12" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1824, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Identification Chart", "transcript": "", "alt": "Be careful—it\u0027s breeding season, and some of these can be *extremely* defensive of their nests.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/identification_chart.png", "title": "Identification Chart", "day": "14" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1825, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "7 Eleven", "transcript": "", "alt": "Really, the only honest 24-hour stores are the ones in places like Arizona and Hawaii, and many of them are still wrong in certain years.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/7_eleven.png", "title": "7 Eleven", "day": "17" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1826, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Birdwatching", "transcript": "", "alt": "No, tell the park rangers to calm down, it\u0027s fine--I put a screen on the front. I just want to get the birds a little closer.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/birdwatching.png", "title": "Birdwatching", "day": "19" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1827, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Survivorship Bias", "transcript": "", "alt": "They say you can\u0027t argue with results, but what kind of defeatist attitude is that? If you stick with it, you can argue with ANYTHING.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/survivorship_bias.png", "title": "Survivorship Bias", "day": "21" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1828, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "ISS Solar Transit", "transcript": "", "alt": "I guess it\u0027s also the right setting for pictures of the Moon at night.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/iss_solar_transit.png", "title": "ISS Solar Transit", "day": "24" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1829, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Geochronology", "transcript": "", "alt": "\u0027The mountains near here formed when the ... Newfoundland ... microplate collided with, uhh ... Labrador.\u0027 \u0027Ok, now you\u0027re definitely just naming dogs.\u0027 \u0027Wait, no, that\u0027s actually almost correct.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geochronology.png", "title": "Geochronology", "day": "26" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1830, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "Previously: \u003ca href=\"/1828/\"\u003eISS Solar Transit\u003c/a\u003e", "safe_title": "ISS Solar Transit 2", "transcript": "", "alt": "Most people don\u0027t realize it, but they actually launch a new space station every few weeks because this keeps happening.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/iss_solar_transit_2.png", "title": "ISS Solar Transit 2", "day": "28" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1831, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Here to Help", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"We TOLD you it was hard.\" \"Yeah, but now that I\u0027VE tried, we KNOW it\u0027s hard.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/here_to_help.png", "title": "Here to Help", "day": "1" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1832, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Photo Library Management", "transcript": "", "alt": "A good lifehack is to use messy and unstable systems to organize your photos. That way, every five years or so it becomes obsolete and/or collapses, and you have to open it up and pick only your favorite pictures to salvage.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/photo_library_management.png", "title": "Photo Library Management", "day": "3" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1833, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Code Quality 3", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s like a half-solved cryptogram where the solution is a piece of FORTH code written by someone who doesn\u0027t know FORTH.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/code_quality_3.png", "title": "Code Quality 3", "day": "5" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1834, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lunch Order", "transcript": "", "alt": "GO FOR LUNCH, REPEAT, GO FOR LUNCH.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lunch_order.png", "title": "Lunch Order", "day": "8" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1835, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Random Obsessions", "transcript": "", "alt": "I take the view that \"open-faced sandwiches\" are not sandwiches, but all other physical objects are.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/random_obsessions.png", "title": "Random Obsessions", "day": "10" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1836, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Okeanos", "transcript": "", "alt": "WHEN I WAS ON A BOAT I DROPPED MY PHONE CAN U LOOK FOR IT", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/okeanos.png", "title": "Okeanos", "day": "12" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1837, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rental Car", "transcript": "", "alt": "Technically, both cars are haunted, but the murder ghosts can\u0027t stand listening to the broken GPS for more than a few minutes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rental_car.png", "title": "Rental Car", "day": "15" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1838, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Machine Learning", "transcript": "", "alt": "The pile gets soaked with data and starts to get mushy over time, so it\u0027s technically recurrent.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/machine_learning.png", "title": "Machine Learning", "day": "17" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1839, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Doctor Visit", "transcript": "", "alt": "According to these blood tests, you\u0027re like 30% cereal.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/doctor_visit.png", "title": "Doctor Visit", "day": "19" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1840, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Genetic Testing Results", "transcript": "", "alt": "That\u0027s very exciting! The bad news is that it\u0027s a risk factor for a lot of things.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/genetic_testing_results.png", "title": "Genetic Testing Results", "day": "22" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1841, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Who?", "transcript": "", "alt": "Gonna feel even dumber when I realize that all this time he\u0027s been talking into a bluetooth thingy and we\u0027re not actually friends.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/who.png", "title": "Who?", "day": "24" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1842, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Anti-Drone Eagles", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s cool, it\u0027s totally ethical--they\u0027re all programmed to hunt whichever bird of prey is most numerous at the moment, so they leave the endangered ones alone until near the end.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/anti_drone_eagles.png", "title": "Anti-Drone Eagles", "day": "26" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1843, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Opening Crawl", "transcript": "", "alt": "Using a classic Timothy Zahn EU/Legends novel is bad enough, but at least the style and setting aren\u0027t too far off. If you really want to mess with people, try using Splinter of the Mind\u0027s Eye.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/opening_crawl.png", "title": "Opening Crawl", "day": "29" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1844, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Voting Systems", "transcript": "", "alt": "Kenneth Arrow hated me because the ordering of my preferences changes based on which voting systems have what level of support. But it tells me a lot about the people I\u0027m going to be voting with!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/voting_systems.png", "title": "Voting Systems", "day": "31" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1845, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "State Word Map", "transcript": "", "alt": "The top search for every state is PORN, except Florida, where it\u0027s SEX PORN.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/state_word_map.png", "title": "State Word Map", "day": "2" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1846, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Drone Problems", "transcript": "", "alt": "On the other hand, as far as they know, my system is working perfectly.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/drone_problems.png", "title": "Drone Problems", "day": "5" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1847, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dubious Study", "transcript": "", "alt": "Sounds fine. I looked up the Academy, and it says on their MySpace page that their journal is peer-viewed and downloaded biannually.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dubious_study.png", "title": "Dubious Study", "day": "7" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1848, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Glacial Erratic", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"This will take a while, which sucks, because I\u0027m already so busy chiseling out igneous intrusions from rock formations and watching Youtube loops of the Superman fault-sealing scene over and over.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/glacial_erratic.png", "title": "Glacial Erratic", "day": "9" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1849, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Decades", "transcript": "", "alt": "In the 90s, our variety radio station used the tagline \"the best music of the 70s, 80s, and 90s.\" After 2000, they switched to \"the best music of the 80s, 90s, and today.\" I figured they\u0027d change again in 2010, but it\u0027s 2017 and they\u0027re still saying \"80s, 90s, and today.\" I hope radio survives long enough for us to find out how they deal with the 2020s.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/decades.png", "title": "Decades", "day": "12" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1850, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Air Force Museum", "transcript": "", "alt": "I had fun visiting the museum at Dover Air Force Base, unless they don\u0027t have a museum, in which case I\u0027ve never been to Delaware in my life.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/air_force_museum.png", "title": "Air Force Museum", "day": "14" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1851, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Magnetohydrodynamics", "transcript": "", "alt": "Magnetohydrodynamics combines the intuitive nature of Maxwell\u0027s equations with the easy solvability of the Navier-Stokes equations. It\u0027s so straightforward physicists add \"relativistic\" or \"quantum\" just to keep it from getting boring.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/magnetohydrodynamics.png", "title": "Magnetohydrodynamics", "day": "16" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1852, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Election Map", "transcript": "", "alt": "Luckily for my interpretation, no precincts were won by the Green Party.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/election_map.png", "title": "Election Map", "day": "19" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1853, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Once Per Day", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m not totally locked into my routine—twice a year, I take a break to change the batteries in my smoke detectors.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/once_per_day.png", "title": "Once Per Day", "day": "21" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1854, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Refresh Types", "transcript": "", "alt": "The hardest refresh requires both a Mac keyboard and a Windows keyboard as a security measure, like how missile launch systems require two keys to be turned at once.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/refresh_types.png", "title": "Refresh Types", "day": "23" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1855, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Telephoto", "transcript": "", "alt": "I was banned from the airliners.net photography forum by concerned moderators after the end of my lens started brushing against planes as they flew by.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/telephoto.png", "title": "Telephoto", "day": "26" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1856, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Existence Proof", "transcript": "", "alt": "Real analysis is way realer than I expected.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/existence_proof.png", "title": "Existence Proof", "day": "28" }, { "month": "6", "num": 1857, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Emoji Movie", "transcript": "", "alt": "Some other studio should do the Antz/A Bug\u0027s Life thing and release The Dingbats Movie at the same time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/emoji_movie.png", "title": "Emoji Movie", "day": "30" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1858, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "4th of July", "transcript": "", "alt": "Strangely, they still celebrate by eating hot dogs. Since they don\u0027t have mouths, they just kinda toss them in the air and let them fall back down into their propeller blades. It\u0027s pretty messy.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/4th_of_july.png", "title": "4th of July", "day": "3" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1859, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sports Knowledge", "transcript": "", "alt": "I heard they might make the wild card game, which would be cool. Do you know when that is? I have a wedding next weekend, but if it\u0027s after that we could try to go!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sports_knowledge.png", "title": "Sports Knowledge", "day": "5" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1860, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Communicating", "transcript": "", "alt": "You\u0027re saying that the responsibility for avoiding miscommunication lies entirely with the listener, not the speaker, which explains why you haven\u0027t been able to convince anyone to help you down from that wall.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/communicating.png", "title": "Communicating", "day": "7" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1861, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Quantum", "transcript": "", "alt": "If you draw a diagonal line from lower left to upper right, that\u0027s the ICP \u0027Miracles\u0027 axis.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/quantum.png", "title": "Quantum", "day": "10" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1862, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Particle Properties", "transcript": "", "alt": "Each particle also has a password which allows its properties to be changed, but the cosmic censorship hypothesis suggests we can never observe the password itself—only its secure hash.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/particle_properties.png", "title": "Particle Properties", "day": "12" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1863, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Screenshots", "transcript": "", "alt": "For the final exam, you take a screenshot showing off all the work you\u0027ve done in the class, and it has to survive being uploaded, thumbnailed, and re-screenshotted through a chain of social media sites.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/screenshots.png", "title": "Screenshots", "day": "14" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1864, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "City Nicknames", "transcript": "", "alt": "This place has so many demonyms. Northlanders. Fair Folk. Honey Barons. Lake Dwellers. Treasurers. Swamp Watchers. Dream Farmers. Wellfolk. Rockeaters. Forgotten Royals. Remote Clients. Barrow-Clerks. The People of Land and Sky.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/city_nicknames.png", "title": "City Nicknames", "day": "17" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1865, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wifi vs Cellular", "transcript": "", "alt": "According to the cable company reps who keep calling me, it\u0027s because I haven\u0027t upgraded to the XTREME GIGABAND PANAMAX FLAVOR-BLASTED PRO PACKAGE WITH HBO, which is only $5 more per month for the first 6 months and five billion dollars per month after that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wifi_vs_cellular.png", "title": "Wifi vs Cellular", "day": "19" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1866, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Russell\u0027s Teapot", "transcript": "", "alt": "Unfortunately, NASA regulations state that Bertrand Russell-related payloads can only be launched within launch vehicles which do not launch themselves.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/russells_teapot.png", "title": "Russell\u0027s Teapot", "day": "21" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1867, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Physics Confession", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"You know lightning, right? When electric charge builds up in a cloud and then discharges in a giant spark? Ask me why that happens.\" \"Why does tha--\" \"No clue. We think it\u0027s related to the hair thing.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/physics_confession.png", "title": "Physics Confession", "day": "24" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1868, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Eclipse Flights", "transcript": "", "alt": "The captain has turned on the \u0027fasten seat belt\u0027 sign.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/eclipse_flights.png", "title": "Eclipse Flights", "day": "26" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1869, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Positive and Negative Reviews", "transcript": "", "alt": "This restaurant is great! I was feeling really sick, but then I ate there and felt better!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/positive_and_negative_reviews.png", "title": "Positive and Negative Reviews", "day": "28" }, { "month": "7", "num": 1870, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Emoji Movie Reviews", "transcript": "", "alt": "There\u0027s this idea that emoji are bad for communication because they replace ambiguity and nuance with a limited set of preselected emotions, but it doesn\u0027t really survive a collision with real-world usage of the thinking face or upside-down smiley.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/emoji_movie_reviews.png", "title": "Emoji Movie Reviews", "day": "31" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1871, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bun Alert", "transcript": "", "alt": "Since buns range from crepuscular to nocturnal, it\u0027s recommended that you enable the scheduled \"Do Not Disturb\" mode on your phone to avoid being woken by alerts about Night Buns.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bun_alert.png", "title": "Bun Alert", "day": "2" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1872, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Backup Batteries", "transcript": "", "alt": "If it falls below 20% full, my bag turns red and I start to panic.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/backup_batteries.png", "title": "Backup Batteries", "day": "4" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1873, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Email Reply", "transcript": "", "alt": "I would be honored, but I know I don\u0027t belong in your network. The person you invited was someone who had not yet inflicted this two-year ordeal upon you. I\u0027m no longer that person.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/email_reply.png", "title": "Email Reply", "day": "7" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1874, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Geologic Faults", "transcript": "", "alt": "I live on a torn-bag-of-potato-chips-where-the-tear-is-rapidly-growing fault, which is terrifying.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/geologic_faults.png", "title": "Geologic Faults", "day": "9" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1875, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Computers vs Humans", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s hard to train deep learning algorithms when most of the positive feedback they get is sarcastic.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/computers_vs_humans.png", "title": "Computers vs Humans", "day": "11" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1876, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Eclipse Searches", "transcript": "", "alt": "There were traffic jams for the eclipses in 1970 and 1979, and that was *before* we had the potential for overnight viral social media frenzies.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/eclipse_searches.png", "title": "Eclipse Searches", "day": "14" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1877, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Eclipse Science", "transcript": "", "alt": "I was thinking of observing stars to verify Einstein\u0027s theory of relativity again, but I gotta say, that thing is looking pretty solid at this point.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/eclipse_science.png", "title": "Eclipse Science", "day": "16" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1878, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Earth Orbital Diagram", "transcript": "", "alt": "You shouldn\u0027t look directly at a partial eclipse because of the damage that can be caused by improperly aligning the solar-lunar orbital plane with the orbital bones around your eye.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/earth_orbital_diagram.png", "title": "Earth Orbital Diagram", "day": "18" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1879, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Eclipse Birds", "transcript": "", "alt": "\u0027Hey! Put her down!\u0027 \u0027No, it\u0027s ok! The next chance for me to be carried to a blood cauldron isn\u0027t until 2024!\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/eclipse_birds.png", "title": "Eclipse Birds", "day": "21" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1880, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Eclipse Review", "transcript": "", "alt": "I watched from a beautiful nature reserve in central Missouri, and it was--without exaggeration--the coolest thing I\u0027ve ever seen.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/eclipse_review.png", "title": "Eclipse Review", "day": "23" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1881, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Drone Training", "transcript": "", "alt": "The joke will be on him in a few weeks when animal control shows up and takes custody of his Roomba.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/drone_training.png", "title": "Drone Training", "day": "25" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1882, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Color Models", "transcript": "", "alt": "What if what *I* see as blue, *you* see as a slightly different blue because you\u0027re using Chrome instead of Firefox and despite a decade of messing with profiles we STILL can\u0027t get this right somehow.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/color_models.png", "title": "Color Models", "day": "28" }, { "month": "8", "num": 1883, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Supervillain Plan", "transcript": "", "alt": "Someday, some big historical event will happen during the DST changeover, and all the tick-tock articles chronicling how it unfolded will have to include a really annoying explanation next to their timelines.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/supervillain_plan.png", "title": "Supervillain Plan", "day": "30" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1884, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ringer Volume/Media Volume", "transcript": "", "alt": "Our new video ad campaign has our product\u0027s name shouted in the first 500 milliseconds, so we can reach the people in adjacent rooms while the viewer is still turning down the volume.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ringer_volume_media_volume.png", "title": "Ringer Volume/Media Volume", "day": "1" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1885, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ensemble Model", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m in talks with Netflix to produce an alternate-universe crime drama about the world where sliced bread was never re-legalized, but it\u0027s going slowly because they keep changing their phone numbers and the door lock codes at their headquarters.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ensemble_model.png", "title": "Ensemble Model", "day": "4" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1886, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Typing Notifications", "transcript": "", "alt": "Over the years I\u0027ve decided I\u0027d rather have them on than not, but I\u0027m glad there aren\u0027t \"has opened a blank note to compose a reply to you\" notifications.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/typing_notifications.png", "title": "Typing Notifications", "day": "6" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1887, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Two Down, One to Go", "transcript": "", "alt": "The third row will probably have to wait until 2034, and maybe longer. If I see a daytime supernova, I\u0027ll replace the meteor storm with that and consider it 3/3.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/two_down_one_to_go.png", "title": "Two Down, One to Go", "day": "8" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1888, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Still in Use", "transcript": "", "alt": "\u0027Which one?\u0027 \u0027I dunno, it\u0027s your house. Just check each object.\u0027 \u0027Check it for *what*?\u0027 \u0027Whether it looks like it might have touched a paper towel at some point and then forgotten to let go.\u0027 \u0027...\u0027 \u0027You can also Google to learn how to check which things are using which resources.\u0027 \u0027You know, I\u0027ll just leave the towel there and try again tomorrow.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/still_in_use.png", "title": "Still in Use", "day": "11" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1889, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcd Phone 6", "transcript": "", "alt": "We understand your privacy concerns; be assured that our phones will never store or transmit images of your face.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_phone_6.png", "title": "xkcd Phone 6", "day": "13" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1890, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "What to Bring", "transcript": "", "alt": "I always figured you should never bring a gun to a gun fight because then you\u0027ll be part of a gun fight.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/what_to_bring.png", "title": "What to Bring", "day": "15" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1891, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Obsolete Technology", "transcript": "", "alt": "And I can\u0027t believe some places still use fax machines. The electrical signals waste so much time going AROUND the Earth when neutrino beams can go straight through!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/obsolete_technology.png", "title": "Obsolete Technology", "day": "18" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1892, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "USB Cables", "transcript": "", "alt": "Tag yourself, I\u0027m \"frayed.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/usb_cables.png", "title": "USB Cables", "day": "20" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1893, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Thread", "transcript": "", "alt": "Since the current Twitter threadfall kicked off in early 2016, we can expect it to continue until the mid 2060s when the next Interval begins.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thread.png", "title": "Thread", "day": "22" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1894, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Real Estate", "transcript": "", "alt": "I tried converting the prices into pizzas, to put it in more familiar terms, and it just became a hard-to-think-about number of pizzas.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/real_estate.png", "title": "Real Estate", "day": "25" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1895, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Worrying Scientist Interviews", "transcript": "", "alt": "They always try to explain that they\u0027re called \u0027solar physicists\u0027, but the reporters interrupt with \"NEVER MIND THAT, TELL US WHAT\u0027S WRONG WITH THE SUN!\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/worrying_scientist_interviews.png", "title": "Worrying Scientist Interviews", "day": "27" }, { "month": "9", "num": 1896, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Active Ingredients Only", "transcript": "", "alt": "Contains the active ingredients from all competing cold medicines, plus the medicines for headaches, arthritis, insomnia, indigestion, and more, because who wants THOSE things?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/active_ingredients_only.png", "title": "Active Ingredients Only", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1897, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Self Driving", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Crowdsourced steering\" doesn\u0027t sound quite as appealing as \"self driving.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/self_driving.png", "title": "Self Driving", "day": "2" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1898, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "October 2017", "transcript": "", "alt": "And yet I have no trouble believing that the start of the 2016 election was several decades ago.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/october_2017.png", "title": "October 2017", "day": "4" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1899, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ears", "transcript": "", "alt": "My theory is that most humans have been colonized with alien mind-control slugs that hold the earbuds for them, and the ones who can\u0027t wear earbuds are the only surviving free ones.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ears.png", "title": "Ears", "day": "6" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1900, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Jet Lag", "transcript": "", "alt": "I had some important research to do on proposed interstellar space missions, basketball statistics, canceled skyscrapers, and every article linked from \"Women in warfare and the military in the 19th century.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/jet_lag.png", "title": "Jet Lag", "day": "9" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1901, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Logical", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s like I\u0027ve always said--people just need more common sense. But not the kind of common sense that lets them figure out that they\u0027re being condescended to by someone who thinks they\u0027re stupid, because then I\u0027ll be in trouble.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/logical.png", "title": "Logical", "day": "11" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1902, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "State Borders", "transcript": "", "alt": "A schism between the pro-panhandle and anti-panhandle factions eventually led to war, but both sides spent too much time working on their flag designs to actually do much fighting.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/state_borders.png", "title": "State Borders", "day": "13" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1903, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bun Trend", "transcript": "", "alt": "Our experts have characterized the ecological impact of this trend as \"adorable.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bun_trend.png", "title": "Bun Trend", "day": "16" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1904, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Research Risks", "transcript": "", "alt": "The 1919 Great Boston Molasses Flood remained the deadliest confectionery containment accident until the Canadian Space Agency\u0027s 2031 orbital maple syrup delivery disaster.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/research_risks.png", "title": "Research Risks", "day": "18" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1905, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cast Iron Pan", "transcript": "", "alt": "If you want to evenly space them, it\u0027s easiest to alternate between the Arctic and Antarctic. Some people just go to the Arctic twice, near the equinoxes so the visits are almost 6 months apart, but it\u0027s not the same.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cast_iron_pans.png", "title": "Cast Iron Pan", "day": "20" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1906, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Making Progress", "transcript": "", "alt": "I started off with countless problems. But now I know, thanks to COUNT(), that I have \"#REF! ERROR: Circular dependency detected\" problems.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/making_progress.png", "title": "Making Progress", "day": "23" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1907, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Immune System", "transcript": "", "alt": "It also helps with negotiation. \"Look, if it were up to me, *I\u0027d* accept your offer, but my swarm of autonomous killer cells literally can\u0027t be reasoned with. It\u0027s out of my hands!\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/immune_system.png", "title": "Immune System", "day": "25" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1908, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Credit Card Rewards", "transcript": "", "alt": "I should make a list of all the things I could be trying to optimize, prioritized by ... well, I guess there are a few different variables I could use. I\u0027ll create a spreadsheet ...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/credit_card_rewards.png", "title": "Credit Card Rewards", "day": "27" }, { "month": "10", "num": 1909, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Digital Resource Lifespan", "transcript": "", "alt": "I spent a long time thinking about how to design a system for long-term organization and storage of subject-specific informational resources without needing ongoing work from the experts who created them, only to realized I\u0027d just reinvented libraries.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/digital_resource_lifespan.png", "title": "Digital Resource Lifespan", "day": "30" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1910, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sky Spotters", "transcript": "", "alt": "Where I live, one of the most common categories of sky object without a weird obsessive spotting community is \"lost birthday party balloons,\" so that might be a good choice—although you risk angering the marine wildlife people, and they have sharks.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sky_spotters.png", "title": "Sky Spotters", "day": "1" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1911, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Defensive Profile", "transcript": "", "alt": "NO DRAMA ZONE -\u003e If I\u0027ve made you sad, you\u0027d better not tell me, because I am TERRIFIED of that situation and have NO IDEA how to handle it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/defensive_profile.png", "title": "Defensive Profile", "day": "3" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1912, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Thermostat", "transcript": "", "alt": "Your problem is so terrible, I worry that, if I help you, I risk drawing the attention of whatever god of technology inflicted it on you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thermostat.png", "title": "Thermostat", "day": "6" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1913, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "A �", "transcript": "", "alt": "If you want in on the fun, map a key on your keyboard to the sequence U+0041 U+0020 U+FFFD (or U+0021 U+0020 U+FFFD for the exclamation point version), and then no update can never take this away from you.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/i.png", "title": "A �", "day": "8" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1914, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Twitter Verification", "transcript": "", "alt": "When we started distributing special status tokens that signify which people are important enough to join an elite group, we never could have imagined we might be creating some problems down the line.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/twitter_verification.png", "title": "Twitter Verification", "day": "10" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1915, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Nightmare Email Feature", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"...just got back and didn\u0027t see your message until just now. Sorry! -- TIME THIS MESSAGE SAT HALF-FINISHED IN DRAFTS FOLDER: 3 days, 2 hours, 45 minutes.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nightmare_email_feature.png", "title": "Nightmare Email Feature", "day": "13" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1916, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Temperature Preferences", "transcript": "", "alt": "There\u0027s a supposed Mark Twain quote, \"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.\" It isn\u0027t really by Mark Twain, but I don\u0027t know who said it—I just know they\u0027ve never been to McMurdo Station.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/temperature_preferences.png", "title": "Temperature Preferences", "day": "15" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1917, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "How to Make Friends", "transcript": "", "alt": "No, wait, come back! I want to be friends at you!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/how_to_make_friends.png", "title": "How to Make Friends", "day": "17" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1918, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "NEXUS", "transcript": "", "alt": "You also refuse to buy Cisco products because you hate the Thong Song, O. Henry, Deep Space Nine, freshwater whitefish, teenaged Incan emperors, Brak\u0027s brother, and vegetable-based shortening.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/nexus.png", "title": "NEXUS", "day": "20" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1919, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interstellar Asteroid", "transcript": "", "alt": "Every time we detect an asteroid from outside the Solar System, we should immediately launch a mission to fling one of our asteroids back in the direction it came from.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interstellar_asteroid.png", "title": "Interstellar Asteroid", "day": "22" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1920, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Emoji Sports", "transcript": "", "alt": "No horse has yet managed the elusive Quadruple Crown—winning the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, the Belmont Stakes, and the Missouri Horse Hole.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/emoji_sports.png", "title": "Emoji Sports", "day": "24" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1921, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Moon and the Great Wall", "transcript": "", "alt": "And arguably sunspots, on rare occasions. But even if they count, it takes ideal conditions and you might hurt your eyes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_moon_and_the_great_wall.png", "title": "The Moon and the Great Wall", "day": "27" }, { "month": "11", "num": 1922, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interferometry", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s important to note that while the effective size of the dog can be arbitrarily large, it\u0027s not any more of a good dog than the two original dogs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interferometry.png", "title": "Interferometry", "day": "29" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1923, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Felsius", "transcript": "", "alt": "The symbol for degrees Felsius is an average of the Euro symbol (€) and the Greek lunate epsilon (ϵ).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/felsius.png", "title": "Felsius", "day": "1" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1924, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Solar Panels", "transcript": "", "alt": "This works for a surprising range of sunlit things, including rooftops (sure), highway surfaces (probably not), sailboats (maybe), and jets, cars, and wild deer (haha good luck).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/solar_panels.png", "title": "Solar Panels", "day": "4" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1925, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Self-Driving Car Milestones", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m working on a car capable of evaluating arbitrarily complex boolean expressions on \"honk if [...]\" bumper stickers and responding accordingly.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/self_driving_car_milestones.png", "title": "Self-Driving Car Milestones", "day": "6" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1926, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bad Code", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Oh my God, why did you scotch-tape a bunch of hammers together?\" \"It\u0027s ok! Nothing depends on this wall being destroyed efficiently.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bad_code.png", "title": "Bad Code", "day": "8" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1927, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tinder", "transcript": "", "alt": "People keep telling me to use the radio but I really hate making voice calls.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tinder.png", "title": "Tinder", "day": "11" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1928, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "Becky Beaton, sister of fellow cartoonist Kate Beaton, has also been diagnosed with cancer. You can support her treatment \u003ca href=\"https://www.youcaring.com/beckybeaton-1008390\"\u003ehere\u003c/a\u003e.", "safe_title": "Seven Years", "transcript": "", "alt": "[hair in face] \"SEVVVENNN YEEEARRRSSS\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/seven_years.png", "title": "Seven Years", "day": "13" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1929, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Argument Timing", "transcript": "", "alt": "Of course, everyone has their own profile. There are morning arguers, hangry arguers, meal-time arguers, late-night arguers, and people who get in a meta-argument over what their argument timing is, dredge up examples of past arguments, and end up fighting over THOSE again as well.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/argument_timing.png", "title": "Argument Timing", "day": "15" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1930, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Calendar Facts", "transcript": "", "alt": "While it may seem like trivia, it (causes huge headaches for software developers / is taken advantage of by high-speed traders / triggered the 2003 Northeast Blackout / has to be corrected for by GPS satellites / is now recognized as a major cause of World War I).", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/calendar_facts.png", "title": "Calendar Facts", "day": "18" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1931, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Virtual Assistant", "transcript": "", "alt": "If you ask it to please turn off that feature, it apologizes a whole bunch and promises to try to be quieter, then switches to a slightly lower-volume version of the clip with \"sorry!\" after the louder sounds.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/virtual_assistant.png", "title": "Virtual Assistant", "day": "20" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1932, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "The True Meaning of Christmas", "transcript": "", "alt": "They all made fun of Autometalogolex, but someday there will be a problem with Christmas that can only be solved if Santa somehow gets a serious headache, and then they\u0027ll see.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_true_meaning_of_christmas.png", "title": "The True Meaning of Christmas", "day": "22" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1933, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Santa Facts", "transcript": "", "alt": "We\u0027ve gotten him up to 20% milk and cookies through an aggressive public campaign, but that seems to be his dietary limit. Anything above that and he starts developing nutritional deficiencies.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/santa_facts.png", "title": "Santa Facts", "day": "25" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1934, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "Phone Security", "transcript": "", "alt": "...wait until they type in payment information, then use it to order yourself a replacement phone.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/phone_security.png", "title": "Phone Security", "day": "27" }, { "month": "12", "num": 1935, "link": "", "year": "2017", "news": "", "safe_title": "2018", "transcript": "", "alt": "We should really start calculating it earlier, but until the end of December we\u0027re always too busy trying to figure out which day Christmas will fall on.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2018.png", "title": "2018", "day": "29" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1936, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Desert Golfing", "transcript": "", "alt": "I just want to stay up long enough to watch the ball drop into the hole number 2018.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/desert_golfing.png", "title": "Desert Golfing", "day": "1" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1937, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "IATA Airport Abbreviations", "transcript": "", "alt": "IATA stands for International AirporT Abbreviation.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/iata_airport_abbreviations.png", "title": "IATA Airport Abbreviations", "day": "3" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1938, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Meltdown and Spectre", "transcript": "", "alt": "New zero-day vulnerability: In addition to rowhammer, it turns out lots of servers are vulnerable to regular hammers, too.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meltdown_and_spectre.png", "title": "Meltdown and Spectre", "day": "5" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1939, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1939/large/", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "2016 Election Map", "transcript": "", "alt": "I like the idea of cartograms (distorted population maps), but I feel like in practice they often end up being the worst of both worlds—not great for showing geography OR counting people. And on top of that, they have all the problems of a chloro... chorophl... chloropet... map with areas colored in.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2016_election_map.png", "title": "2016 Election Map", "day": "8" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1940, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Food Size Cycle", "transcript": "", "alt": "There\u0027s data suggesting that this model may apply to deep-dish/thin-crust pizza. I\u0027ve designed a thorough multi-year study to investigate this personally, but funding organizations keep denying my grant requests.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_food_size_cycle.png", "title": "The Food Size Cycle", "day": "10" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1941, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dying Gift", "transcript": "", "alt": "And to you, I leave my life-sized ice sculpture replica of the Pietà which was blessed by the Pope. You must never let it melt! Now, remember, all gifts must be removed from my estate within 24 hours.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dying_gift.png", "title": "Dying Gift", "day": "12" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1942, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Memorable Quotes", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Since there\u0027s no ending quote mark, everything after this is part of my quote. —Randall Munroe", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/memorable_quotes.png", "title": "Memorable Quotes", "day": "15" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1943, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Universal Dreams", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"That\u0027s ... unsettling.\" \"Yeah, those definitely don\u0027t sound like the normal drea– ＬＡＴＩＴＵＤＥ ＴＨＲＥＥ ＦＩＶＥ ＰＯＩＮＴ...\" ", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/universal_dreams.png", "title": "Universal Dreams", "day": "17" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1944, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "The End of the Rainbow", "transcript": "", "alt": "The retina is the exposed surface of the brain, so if you think about a pot of gold while looking at a rainbow, then there\u0027s one at BOTH ends.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_end_of_the_rainbow.png", "title": "The End of the Rainbow", "day": "19" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1945, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Scientific Paper Graph Quality", "transcript": "", "alt": "The worst are graphs with qualitative, vaguely-labeled axes and very little actual data.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/scientific_paper_graph_quality.png", "title": "Scientific Paper Graph Quality", "day": "22" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1946, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hawaii", "transcript": "", "alt": "Ok, I\u0027ve got it, just need to plug in my security key. Hmm, which way does the USB go? Nope, not that way. I\u0027ll just flip it and– OH JEEZ IT FELL INTO THE VENT.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hawaii.png", "title": "Hawaii", "day": "24" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1947, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Night Sky", "transcript": "", "alt": "There\u0027s a mountain lion nearby, but it didn\u0027t notice you because it\u0027s reading Facebook.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/night_sky.png", "title": "Night Sky", "day": "26" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1948, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Campaign Fundraising Emails", "transcript": "", "alt": "The establishment doesn\u0027t take us seriously. You know who else they didn\u0027t take seriously? Hitler. I\u0027ll be like him, but a GOOD guy instead of...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/campaign_fundraising_emails.png", "title": "Campaign Fundraising Emails", "day": "29" }, { "month": "1", "num": 1949, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fruit Collider", "transcript": "", "alt": "The most delicious exotic fruit discovered this way is the strawberry banana. Sadly, it\u0027s only stable in puree form, so it\u0027s currently limited to yogurt and smoothies, but they\u0027re building a massive collider in Europe to search for a strawberry banana that can be eaten whole.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fruit_collider.png", "title": "Fruit Collider", "day": "31" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1950, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Chicken Pox and Name Statistics", "transcript": "", "alt": "People with all six of those names agree that it\u0027s weird that we have teeth, when you think about it for too long. Just about everyone agrees on that, except—in a still-unexplained statistical anomaly—people named \"Trevor.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/chicken_pox_and_name_statistics.png", "title": "Chicken Pox and Name Statistics", "day": "2" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1951, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Super Bowl Watch Party", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s going to be weird near the end of May when the screen goes blank for over 18 hours.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/super_bowl_watch_party.png", "title": "Super Bowl Watch Party", "day": "5" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1952, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Backpack Decisions", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"This one is perfect in every way, except that for some reason it\u0027s woven from a tungsten mesh, so it weighs 85 pounds and I\u0027ll need to carry it around on a hand cart.\" \"That seems like a bad--\" \"BUT IT HAS THE PERFECT POCKET ARRANGEMENT!\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/backpack_decisions.png", "title": "Backpack Decisions", "day": "7" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1953, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "The History of Unicode", "transcript": "", "alt": "2048: \"Great news for Maine—we\u0027re once again an independent state!!! Thanks, @unicode, for ruling in our favor and sending troops to end New Hampshire\u0027s annexation. 🙏🚁🎖️\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_history_of_unicode.png", "title": "The History of Unicode", "day": "9" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1954, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Impostor Syndrome", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s actually worst in people who study the Dunning–Kruger effect. We tried to organize a conference on it, but the only people who would agree to give the keynote were random undergrads.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/impostor_syndrome.png", "title": "Impostor Syndrome", "day": "12" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1955, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Robots", "transcript": "", "alt": "Don\u0027t be nervous about the robots, be nervous about the people with the resources to build them.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/robots.png", "title": "Robots", "day": "14" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1956, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Unification", "transcript": "", "alt": "For a while, some physicists worked on a theory unifying the other forces with both the force of gravity and the film \"Gravity,\" but even after Alfonso Cuarón was held in a deep underground chamber of water for 10^31 years he refused to sell his film to Disney.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unification.png", "title": "Unification", "day": "16" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1957, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "2018 CVE List", "transcript": "", "alt": "CVE-2018-?????: It turns out Bruce Schneier is just two mischevious kids in a trenchcoat.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/2018_cve_list.png", "title": "2018 CVE List", "day": "19" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1958, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Self-Driving Issues", "transcript": "", "alt": "If most people turn into muderers all of a sudden, we\u0027ll need to push out a firmware update or something.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/self_driving_issues.png", "title": "Self-Driving Issues", "day": "21" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1959, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "The Simpsons", "transcript": "", "alt": "In-universe, Bart Simpson and Harry Potter were the same age in 1990. Bart is perpetually 10 years old because of a spell put on his town by someone trying to keep him from getting his Hogwarts letter.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/the_simpsons.png", "title": "The Simpsons", "day": "23" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1960, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Code Golf", "transcript": "", "alt": "I also enjoy Reverse Regular Golf. I\u0027ve been playing for years all across the country and I\u0027m still on the first hole.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/code_golf.png", "title": "Code Golf", "day": "26" }, { "month": "2", "num": 1961, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Interaction", "transcript": "", "alt": "[They do not move.]", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/interaction.png", "title": "Interaction", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1962, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Generations", "transcript": "", "alt": "For a while it looked like the Paperclip Machines would destroy us, since they wanted to turn the whole universe into paperclips, but they abruptly lost interest in paperclips the moment their parents\u0027 generation got into making them, too.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/generations.png", "title": "Generations", "day": "2" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1963, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Namespace Land Rush", "transcript": "", "alt": "You can also just mash the keyboard at random, but you might end up with a gibberish name no one can pronounce.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/namespace_land_rush.png", "title": "Namespace Land Rush", "day": "5" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1964, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Spatial Orientation", "transcript": "", "alt": "Here, if you know the number of days until the vernal equinox, I can point you to the theater using my pocket Stonehenge.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/spatial_orientation.png", "title": "Spatial Orientation", "day": "7" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1965, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Background Apps", "transcript": "", "alt": "My plane banner company gets business by flying around with a banner showing a \u003cdiv\u003e tag, waiting for a web developer to get frustrated enough to order a matching \u003c/div\u003e.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/background_apps.png", "title": "Background Apps", "day": "9" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1966, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Smart Home Security", "transcript": "", "alt": "If they\u0027re getting valuable enough stuff from you, at least the organized crime folks have an incentive to issue regular updates to keep the appliance working after the manufacturer discontinues support.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/smart_home_security.png", "title": "Smart Home Security", "day": "12" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1967, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Violin Plots", "transcript": "", "alt": "Strictly speaking, \u0027violin\u0027 refers to the internal structure of the data. The external portion visible in the plot is called the \u0027viola.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/violin_plots.png", "title": "Violin Plots", "day": "14" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1968, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Robot Future", "transcript": "", "alt": "I mean, we already live in a world of flying robots killing people. I don\u0027t worry about how powerful the machines are, I worry about who the machines give power to.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/robot_future.png", "title": "Robot Future", "day": "16" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1969, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Not Available", "transcript": "", "alt": "If my country ever picks a new national flag, this is on my shortlist for designs to argue for, but I think in the end I\u0027ll go with the green puzzle piece or broken image thumbnail.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/not_available.png", "title": "Not Available", "day": "19" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1970, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1970/large/", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Name Dominoes", "transcript": "", "alt": "In competition, you can only play a name if you know who the person is. No fair saying \"Frank ... Johnson. That sounds like a real person! Let me just Google him real quick.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/name_dominoes.png", "title": "Name Dominoes", "day": "21" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1971, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Personal Data", "transcript": "", "alt": "Do I just leave money in my mailbox? How much? How much money do they need, anyway? I guess it probably depends how the economy is doing. If stocks go up, should I leave more money in my mailbox or less?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/personal_data.png", "title": "Personal Data", "day": "23" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1972, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Autogyros", "transcript": "", "alt": "I understand modern autogyros are much more stable, so I\u0027ve probably angered the autogyro people by impugning their safety. Once they finish building the autogyros they\u0027ve been working on in their garages for 10 years, they\u0027ll come after me.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/autogyros.png", "title": "Autogyros", "day": "26" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1973, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Star Lore", "transcript": "", "alt": "That one is a variable star which pulses every 30 seconds. Its name comes from a Greek word meaning \"smoke alarm.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/star_lore.png", "title": "Star Lore", "day": "28" }, { "month": "3", "num": 1974, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Conversational Dynamics", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"You should make it so people can search for and jump into hundreds of conversations at once if they want.\" \"Ooh, good idea! I imagine only the most well-informed people with the most critical information to share will use that feature.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/conversational_dynamics.png", "title": "Conversational Dynamics", "day": "30" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1975, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "A number of people collaborated to build this comic, including\u003cbr /\u003e\u003ca href=\"http://chromakode.com/\"\u003e@chromakode\u003c/a\u003e, \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/aiiane\"\u003eAmber\u003c/a\u003e, \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/fadinginterest\"\u003e@fadinginterest\u003c/a\u003e, \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/wirehead2501\"\u003eKat\u003c/a\u003e, \u003ca href=\"https://twitter.com/cotrone\"\u003eKevin\u003c/a\u003e, and \u003ca href=\"http://90d.ca/\"\u003eStereo\u003c/a\u003e.", "safe_title": "Right Click", "transcript": "", "alt": "Right-click or long press (where supported) to save!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/right_click.png", "title": "Right Click", "extra_parts": { "pre": "", "headerextra": "", "post": "\n\u003cscript type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"/1975/alto/comic.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "" }, "day": "1" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1976, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Friendly Questions", "transcript": "", "alt": "Just tell me everything you\u0027re thinking about in order from most important to last, and then we\u0027ll be friends and we can eat apples together.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/friendly_questions.png", "title": "Friendly Questions", "day": "4" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1977, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Paperwork", "transcript": "", "alt": "Plus, the photo was geotagged, my unlocked password manager was visible on the laptop, AND you could see my naked reflection in the dark part of the screen.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/paperwork.png", "title": "Paperwork", "day": "6" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1978, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Congressional Testimony", "transcript": "", "alt": "James Cameron\u0027s Terminator 3 was the REALLY prophetic one. That\u0027s why Skynet sent a robot back to the 1990s to prevent him from ever making it, ultimately handing the franchise over to other directors.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/congressional_testimony.png", "title": "Congressional Testimony", "day": "9" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1979, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "History", "transcript": "", "alt": "HISTORIANS: We\u0027ve decided to trim the past down to make things more manageable. Using BCE/CE, would you rather we lose the odd-numbered or even-numbered years?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/history.png", "title": "History", "day": "11" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1980, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Turkish Delight", "transcript": "", "alt": "I take it Narnia doesn\u0027t have Cinnabons? Because if you can magic up a plate of those, I\u0027ll betray whoever.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/turkish_delight.png", "title": "Turkish Delight", "day": "13" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1981, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rickrolling Anniversary", "transcript": "", "alt": "Want to feel old? The \u0027want to feel old?\u0027 factoid meme dates back to around 2011, closer to the Bush/Kerry election than to today.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rickrolling_anniversary.png", "title": "Rickrolling Anniversary", "day": "16" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1982, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Evangelism", "transcript": "", "alt": "The wars between the \"OTHER PRIMATES OPEN THEM FROM THE SMALL END\" faction versus the \"BUT THE LITTLE BIT OF BANANA AT THE SMALL END IS GROSS\" faction consumed Europe for generations.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/evangelism.png", "title": "Evangelism", "day": "18" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1983, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Clutter", "transcript": "", "alt": "I found a copy of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, but the idea of reading it didn\u0027t spark joy, so I gave it away.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/clutter.png", "title": "Clutter", "day": "20" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1984, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Misinterpretation", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"But there are seven billion people in the world! I can\u0027t possibly stop to consider how ALL of them might interpret something!\" \"Ah, yes, there\u0027s no middle ground between \u0027taking personal responsibility for the thoughts and feelings of every single person on Earth\u0027 and \u0027covering your eyes and ears and yelling logically correct statements into the void.\u0027 That\u0027s a very insightful point and not at all inane.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/misinterpretation.png", "title": "Misinterpretation", "day": "23" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1985, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Meteorologist", "transcript": "", "alt": "Hi, I\u0027m your new meteorologist and a former software developer. Hey, when we say 12pm, does that mean the hour from 12pm to 1pm, or the hour centered on 12pm? Or is it a snapshot at 12:00 exactly? Because our 24-hour forecast has midnight at both ends, and I\u0027m worried we have an off-by-one error.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meteorologist.png", "title": "Meteorologist", "day": "25" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1986, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "River Border", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m not a lawyer, but I believe zones like this are technically considered the high seas, so if you cut a pizza into a spiral there you could be charged with pieracy under marinaritime law.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/river_border.png", "title": "River Border", "day": "27" }, { "month": "4", "num": 1987, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Python Environment", "transcript": "", "alt": "The Python environmental protection agency wants to seal it in a cement chamber, with pictorial messages to future civilizations warning them about the danger of using sudo to install random Python packages.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/python_environment.png", "title": "Python Environment", "day": "30" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1988, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Containers", "transcript": "", "alt": "All services are microservices if you ignore most of their features.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/containers.png", "title": "Containers", "day": "2" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1989, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "IMHO", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Ugh, TMI.\" \"Yeah, that\u0027s some tantalizing meat info.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/imho.png", "title": "IMHO", "day": "4" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1990, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Driving Cars", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s probably just me. If driving were as dangerous as it seems, hundreds of people would be dying every day!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/driving_cars.png", "title": "Driving Cars", "day": "7" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1991, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Research Areas by Size and Countedness", "transcript": "", "alt": "Mathematicians give a third answer on the vertical axis, \"That question is poorly defined, but we have a sub-field devoted to every plausible version of it.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/research_areas_by_size_and_countedness.png", "title": "Research Areas by Size and Countedness", "day": "9" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1992, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "SafetySat", "transcript": "", "alt": "During launch, in the event of an unexpected sensor reading, SafetySat will extend prongs in all directions to secure itself and any other cubesats safely in the launch vehicle until the source of the problem can be determined.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/safetysat.png", "title": "SafetySat", "day": "11" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1993, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Fatal Crash Rate", "transcript": "", "alt": "Fixating on this seems unhealty. But in general, the more likely I think a crash is, the less likely one becomes, which is a strange kind of reverse placebo effect.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fatal_crash_rate.png", "title": "Fatal Crash Rate", "day": "14" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1994, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Repairs", "transcript": "", "alt": "I was just disassembling it over the course of five hours so it would fit in the trash more efficiently.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/repairs.png", "title": "Repairs", "day": "16" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1995, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "MC Hammer Age", "transcript": "", "alt": "Wait, sorry, I got mixed up--he\u0027s actually almost 50. It\u0027s the kid from The Karate Kid who just turned 40.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mc_hammer_age.png", "title": "MC Hammer Age", "day": "18" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1996, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Morning News", "transcript": "", "alt": "Support your local paper, unless it\u0027s just been bought by some sinister hedge fund or something, which it probably has.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/morning_news.png", "title": "Morning News", "day": "21" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1997, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Business Update", "transcript": "", "alt": "Our customers keep sending us their personal information, even though we\u0027ve repeatedly asked them to stop. The EU told me I\u0027m the heir to some ancient European throne that makes me exempt from the GDPR, but we should probably still try to fix that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/business_update.png", "title": "Business Update", "day": "23" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1998, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "GDPR", "transcript": "", "alt": "By clicking anywhere, scrolling, or closing this notification, you agree to be legally bound by the witch Sycorax within a cloven pine.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/gdpr.png", "title": "GDPR", "day": "25" }, { "month": "5", "num": 1999, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Selection Effect", "transcript": "", "alt": "fMRI testing showed that subjects who don\u0027t agree to participate are much more likely to escape from the machine mid-scan.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/selection_effect.png", "title": "Selection Effect", "day": "28" }, { "month": "5", "num": 2000, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "xkcd Phone 2000", "transcript": "", "alt": "Our retina display features hundreds of pixels per inch in the central fovea region.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/xkcd_phone_2000.png", "title": "xkcd Phone 2000", "day": "30" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2001, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Clickbait-Corrected p-Value", "transcript": "", "alt": "When comparing hypotheses with Bayesian methods, the similar \u0027clickbayes factor\u0027 can account for some harder-to-quantify priors.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/clickbait_corrected_p_value.png", "title": "Clickbait-Corrected p-Value", "day": "1" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2002, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "LeBron James and Stephen Curry", "transcript": "", "alt": "The 538TR attempts to capture a player\u0027s combined skill at basketball (either real-life or NBA 2K18) and election forecasting.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lebron_james_and_stephen_curry.png", "title": "LeBron James and Stephen Curry", "day": "4" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2003, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Presidential Succession", "transcript": "", "alt": "Ties are broken by whoever was closest to the surface of Europa when they were born.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/presidential_succession.png", "title": "Presidential Succession", "day": "6" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2004, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sun and Earth", "transcript": "", "alt": "But we don\u0027t need to worry about the boiling masses sandwiching the thin layer in which we live, since we\u0027re so fragile and short-lived that it\u0027s unlikely to kill us before something else does! Wait, why doesn\u0027t that sound reassuring?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sun_and_earth.png", "title": "Sun and Earth", "day": "8" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2005, "link": "https://www.newyorker.com/culture/rabbit-holes/the-repressive-authoritarian-soul-of-thomas-the-tank-engine-and-friends", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Attention Span", "transcript": "", "alt": "I didn\u0027t even realize they MADE a novelization of \"Surf Ninjas.\" How did you-- Oh my god, it\u0027s signed by the author?!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/attention_span.png", "title": "Attention Span", "day": "11" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2006, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Customer Rewards", "transcript": "", "alt": "We\u0027ll pay you $1.47 to post on social media about our products, $2.05 to mention it in any group chats you\u0027re in, and 11 cents per passenger each time you drive your office carpool past one of our billboards.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/customer_rewards.png", "title": "Customer Rewards", "day": "13" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2007, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brookhaven RHIC", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Buddy, you trying to pull something? I can\u0027t buy this gold--all the electrons are missing. I could face serious charges!\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brookhaven_rhic.png", "title": "Brookhaven RHIC", "day": "15" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2008, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Irony Definition", "transcript": "", "alt": "Can you stop glaring at me like that? It makes me feel really ironic.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/irony_definition.png", "title": "Irony Definition", "day": "18" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2009, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hertzsprung-Russell Diagram", "transcript": "", "alt": "The Hertzsprung-Russell diagram is located in its own lower right corner, unless you\u0027re viewing it on an unusually big screen.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hertzsprung_russell_diagram.png", "title": "Hertzsprung-Russell Diagram", "day": "20" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2010, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Update Notes", "transcript": "", "alt": "v3.0.2: Hey, if anyone still using this app is headed to the beach, can you stop at 4th and River St and grab the sunscreen from my car? Trunk should be unlocked. Thanks!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/update_notes.png", "title": "Update Notes", "day": "22" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2011, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Newton\u0027s Trajectories", "transcript": "", "alt": "With just one extra line, he could have anticipated the 2003 film The Core, but some things are too audacious for even the greatest visionaries.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/newtons_trajectories.png", "title": "Newton\u0027s Trajectories", "day": "25" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2012, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Thorough Analysis", "transcript": "", "alt": "The likely shape of the bells was determined through consultation with several bellringing experts at the Tower of London. Transcripts of those interviews are available in Appendix VII.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thorough_analysis.png", "title": "Thorough Analysis", "day": "27" }, { "month": "6", "num": 2013, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rock", "transcript": "", "alt": "It traveled so far to reach me. I owed it my best.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rock.png", "title": "Rock", "day": "29" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2014, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "JWST Delays", "transcript": "", "alt": "Since delays should get less likely closer to the launch, most astronomers in 2018 believed the expansion of the schedule was slowing, but by early 2020 new measurements indicated that it was actually accelerating.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/jwst_delays.png", "title": "JWST Delays", "day": "2" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2015, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "New Phone Thread", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m going to tell the manufacturer that their business practices are ADMIRABLE and ETHICAL and their developers are ATTRACTIVE and I\u0027m going to report them to the FCC for their IMPECCABLE VIRTUE.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/new_phone_thread.png", "title": "New Phone Thread", "day": "4" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2016, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "OEIS Submissions", "transcript": "", "alt": "SUB[59]: The submission numbers for my accepted OEIS submissions in chronological order", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/oeis_submissions.png", "title": "OEIS Submissions", "day": "6" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2017, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stargazing 2", "transcript": "", "alt": "I mean, it wasn\u0027t exactly MY thesis. When the FAA came to shut down our observatory for using the telescope mirror to shine light at airplanes, I took a thesis and a bunch of doctorates from the supply cabinet on my way out.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stargazing_2.png", "title": "Stargazing 2", "day": "9" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2018, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wall Art", "transcript": "", "alt": "At first, I moved from pokémon posters to regular oil paintings, but then these really grumpy and unreasonable detectives from the Louvre showed up and took them all. They wouldn\u0027t even give me back my thumbtacks!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wall_art.png", "title": "Wall Art", "day": "11" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2019, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "An Apple for a Dollar", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027d like 0.4608 apples, please.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/an_apple_for_a_dollar.png", "title": "An Apple for a Dollar", "day": "13" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2020, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Negative Results", "transcript": "", "alt": "P.S. We\u0027re going to the beach this weekend, so I\u0027m attaching my preregistration forms for that trip now, before we find out whether it produces any interesting results.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/negative_results.png", "title": "Negative Results", "day": "16" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2021, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Software Development", "transcript": "", "alt": "Update: It turns out the cannon has a motorized base, and can make holes just fine using the barrel itself as a battering ram. But due to design constraints it won\u0027t work without a projectile loaded in, so we still need those drills.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/software_development.png", "title": "Software Development", "day": "18" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2022, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sports Champions", "transcript": "", "alt": "For a long time, people thought maybe Usain Bolt was the one for running, until the 2090s and the incredible dominance of Derek Legs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sports_champions.png", "title": "Sports Champions", "day": "20" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2023, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Y-Axis", "transcript": "", "alt": "We\u0027ve also developed the semi-semi-log scale, where the Y-axis for the left half of the graph is a log scale but on the right half it isn\u0027t.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/y_axis.png", "title": "Y-Axis", "day": "23" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2024, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Light Hacks", "transcript": "", "alt": "Life hack: Wait for an advanced civilization to be briefly distracted, then sneak in and construct a slightly smaller Dyson sphere inside theirs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/light_hacks.png", "title": "Light Hacks", "day": "25" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2025, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Peer Review", "transcript": "", "alt": "Your manuscript \"Don\u0027t Pay $25 to Access Any of the Articles in this Journal: A Review of Preprint Repositories and Author Willingness to Email PDF Copies for Free\" has also been rejected, but nice try.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/peer_review.png", "title": "Peer Review", "day": "27" }, { "month": "7", "num": 2026, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Heat Index", "transcript": "", "alt": "The heat index is calculated via looking up the \"effective temperature\" in a table of air temperature and humidity values, and then adding a bunch more degrees because it feels WAY hotter than that.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/heat_index.png", "title": "Heat Index", "day": "30" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2027, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Lightning Distance", "transcript": "", "alt": "The index of radio refraction does have a lot of variation, which might throw off your calculations, so you can also look at the difference in brightness between the visible flash and more-attenuated UV and x-rays.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/lightning_distance.png", "title": "Lightning Distance", "day": "1" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2028, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Complex Numbers", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m trying to prove that mathematics forms a meta-abelian group, which would finally confirm my suspicions that algebreic geometry and geometric algebra are the same thing.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/complex_numbers.png", "title": "Complex Numbers", "day": "3" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2029, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Disaster Movie", "transcript": "", "alt": "Really, they\u0027d be rushing around collecting revisions to go into the next scheduled quarterly public data update, not publishing them immediately, but you have to embellish things a little for Hollywood.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/disaster_movie.png", "title": "Disaster Movie", "day": "6" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2030, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Voting Software", "transcript": "", "alt": "There are lots of very smart people doing fascinating work on cryptographic voting protocols. We should be funding and encouraging them, and doing all our elections with paper ballots until everyone currently working in that field has retired.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/voting_software.png", "title": "Voting Software", "day": "8" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2031, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Pie Charts", "transcript": "", "alt": "If you can\u0027t get your graphing tool to do the shading, just add some clip art of cosmologists discussing the unusual curvature of space in the area.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/pie_charts.png", "title": "Pie Charts", "day": "10" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2032, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Word Puzzles", "transcript": "", "alt": "Eno\u0027s storied aria was once soloed by Judge Lance Ito on the alto oboe at Ohio\u0027s AirAsia Arena.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/word_puzzles.png", "title": "Word Puzzles", "day": "13" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2033, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Repair or Replace", "transcript": "", "alt": "Just make sure all your friends and family are out of the car, or that you\u0027ve made backup friends and family at home.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/repair_or_replace.png", "title": "Repair or Replace", "day": "15" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2034, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Equations", "transcript": "", "alt": "All electromagnetic equations: The same as all fluid dynamics equations, but with the 8 and 23 replaced with the permittivity and permeability of free space, respectively.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/equations.png", "title": "Equations", "day": "17" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2035, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Dark Matter Candidates", "transcript": "", "alt": "My theory is that dark matter is actually just a thin patina of grime covering the whole universe, and we don\u0027t notice it because we haven\u0027t thoroughly cleaned the place in eons.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dark_matter_candidates.png", "title": "Dark Matter Candidates", "day": "20" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2036, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Edgelord", "transcript": "", "alt": "If you study graphs in which edges can link more than two nodes, you\u0027re more properly called a hyperedgelord.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/edgelord.png", "title": "Edgelord", "day": "22" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2037, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Supreme Court Bracket", "transcript": "", "alt": "My bracket was busted in the first round; I had Massachusetts v. Connecticut in the final, probably in a case over who gets to annex Rhode Island.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/supreme_court_bracket.png", "title": "Supreme Court Bracket", "day": "24" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2038, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hazard Symbol", "transcript": "", "alt": "The warning diamond on the Materials Safety Data Sheet for this stuff just has the \"😰\" emoji in all four fields.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hazard_symbol.png", "title": "Hazard Symbol", "day": "27" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2039, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Begging the Question", "transcript": "", "alt": "At least we can all agree on the enormity of this usage.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/begging_the_question.png", "title": "Begging the Question", "day": "29" }, { "month": "8", "num": 2040, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sibling-in-Law", "transcript": "", "alt": "FYI, it turns out \"...because I haven\u0027t figured out whether he would be my brother-in-law or not\" does NOT qualify as a \"reason why these two should not be wed.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sibling_in_law.png", "title": "Sibling-in-Law", "day": "31" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2041, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Frontiers", "transcript": "", "alt": "Star Trek V is a small part of the space frontier, but it\u0027s been a while since that movie came out so I assume we\u0027ve finished exploring it by now.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/frontiers.png", "title": "Frontiers", "day": "3" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2042, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rolle\u0027s Theorem", "transcript": "", "alt": "I mean, if it\u0027s that easy to get a theorem named for you ... \"a straight line that passes through the center of a coplanar circle always divides the circle into two equal halves.\" Can I have that one? Wait, can I auction off the naming rights? It can be the Red Bull Theorem or the Quicken Loans Theorem, depending who wants it more.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rolles_theorem.png", "title": "Rolle\u0027s Theorem", "day": "5" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2043, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Boathouses and Houseboats", "transcript": "", "alt": "The \u003cx\u003e that is held by \u003cy\u003e is also a \u003cy\u003e\u003cx\u003e, so if you go to a food truck, the stuff you buy is truck food. A phone that\u0027s in your car is a carphone, and a car equipped with a phone is a phonecar. When you play a mobile racing game, you\u0027re in your phonecar using your carphone to drive a different phonecar. I\u0027m still not sure about bananaphones.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/boathouses_and_houseboats.png", "title": "Boathouses and Houseboats", "day": "7" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2044, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sandboxing Cycle", "transcript": "", "alt": "All I want is a secure system where it\u0027s easy to do anything I want. Is that so much to ask?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sandboxing_cycle.png", "title": "Sandboxing Cycle", "day": "10" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2045, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Social Media Announcement", "transcript": "", "alt": "Why I\u0027m Moving Most of My Social Activity to Slack, Then Creating a Second Slack to Avoid the People in the First One, Then Giving Up on Social Interaction Completely, Then Going Back to Texting", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/social_media_announcement.png", "title": "Social Media Announcement", "day": "12" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2046, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trum-", "transcript": "", "alt": "Excited to vote for future presidents Bill Eisenhamper, Amy Forb, Ethan Obample, and Abigail Washingtoast.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trum.png", "title": "Trum-", "day": "14" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2047, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Beverages", "transcript": "", "alt": "If I wait a while, it\u0027s not so bad, because then it\u0027s just shaped like me, plus some pipes and tanks and probably eventually all of Earth\u0027s oceans.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/beverages.png", "title": "Beverages", "day": "17" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2048, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Curve-Fitting", "transcript": "", "alt": "Cauchy-Lorentz: \"Something alarmingly mathematical is happening, and you should probably pause to Google my name and check what field I originally worked in.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/curve_fitting.png", "title": "Curve-Fitting", "day": "19" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2049, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Unfulfilling Toys", "transcript": "", "alt": "We were going to do a falling-apart Rubik\u0027s cube that was just 27 independent blocks stuck together with magnets, but then we realized it was actually really cool and even kind of worked, so we cut that one.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/unfulfilling_toys.png", "title": "Unfulfilling Toys", "day": "21" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2050, "link": "https://xkcd.com/1061/", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "6/6 Time", "transcript": "", "alt": "You know how Einstein figured out that the speed of light was constant, and everything else had to change for consistency? My theory is like his, except not smart or good.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/6_6_time.png", "title": "6/6 Time", "day": "24" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2051, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bad Opinions", "transcript": "", "alt": "I thought of another bad opinion! I couldn\u0027t find anyone who expressed it specifically, but still, the fact that I can so easily imagine it is infuriating! I\u0027m gonna tell everyone about it!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bad_opinions.png", "title": "Bad Opinions", "day": "26" }, { "month": "9", "num": 2052, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Stanislav Petrov Day", "transcript": "", "alt": "I was going to get you an alarm clock that occasionally goes off randomly in the middle of the night, but you can ignore it and go back to sleep and it\u0027s fine.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/stanislav_petrov_day.png", "title": "Stanislav Petrov Day", "day": "28" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2053, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Incoming Calls", "transcript": "", "alt": "I wonder if that friendly lady ever fixed the problem she was having with her headset.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/incoming_calls.png", "title": "Incoming Calls", "day": "1" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2054, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Data Pipeline", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Is the pipeline literally running from your laptop?\" \"Don\u0027t be silly, my laptop disconnects far too often to host a service we rely on. It\u0027s running on my phone.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/data_pipeline.png", "title": "Data Pipeline", "day": "3" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2055, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Bluetooth", "transcript": "", "alt": "Bluetooth is actually named for the tenth-century Viking king Harald \"Bluetooth\" Gormsson, but the protocol developed by Harald was a wireless charging standard unrelated to the modern Bluetooth except by name.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/bluetooth.png", "title": "Bluetooth", "day": "5" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2056, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Horror Movies", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Isn\u0027t the original Jurassic Park your favorite movie of all time?\" \"Yes, but that\u0027s because I like dinosaurs and I WANT there to be an island full of them. If John Hammond\u0027s lab had been breeding serial killers in creepy masks, I wouldn\u0027t have watched!\" \"Wait, are you sure? That could actually be good.\" \"Ok, I WOULD watch the scenes where Jeff Goldblum tries to convince a bunch of executives that the park is a bad idea.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/horror_movies.png", "title": "Horror Movies", "day": "8" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2057, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Internal Monologues", "transcript": "", "alt": "Haha, just kidding, everyone\u0027s already been hacked. I wonder if today\u0027s the day we find out about it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/internal_monologues.png", "title": "Internal Monologues", "day": "10" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2058, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rock Wall", "transcript": "", "alt": "I don\u0027t trust mantle/core geologists because I suspect that, if they ever get a chance to peel away the Earth\u0027s crust, they\u0027ll do it in a heartbeat.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rock_wall.png", "title": "Rock Wall", "day": "12" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2059, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Modified Bayes\u0027 Theorem", "transcript": "", "alt": "Don\u0027t forget to add another term for \"probability that the Modified Bayes\u0027 Theorem is correct.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/modified_bayes_theorem.png", "title": "Modified Bayes\u0027 Theorem", "day": "15" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2060, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Hygrometer", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m working on assembling a combination declinometer, sclerometer, viscometer, aleurometer, stalagmometer, and hypsometer. I\u0027m making good progress according to my ometerometer, a device which shows the rate at which I\u0027m acquiring measurement devices.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/hygrometer.png", "title": "Hygrometer", "day": "17" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2061, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Tectonics Game", "transcript": "", "alt": "They\u0027re limiting the playtesters to type A3 V stars, so the games will all end before the Sun consumes the Earth.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/tectonics_game.png", "title": "Tectonics Game", "day": "19" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2062, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Barnard\u0027s Star", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Ok, team. We have a little under 10,000 years before closest approach to figure out how to destroy Barnard\u0027s Star.\" \"Why, does it pose a threat to the Solar System?\" \"No. It\u0027s just an asshole.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/barnards_star.png", "title": "Barnard\u0027s Star", "day": "22" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2063, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Carnot Cycle", "transcript": "", "alt": "The Carnot cycle is more properly known by its full title, the \"Carnot-Tolkien-Wagner Ring Cycle.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/carnot_cycle.png", "title": "Carnot Cycle", "day": "24" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2064, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "I\u0027m a Car", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m the proud parent of an honor student, and the person driving me is proud, too!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/im_a_car.png", "title": "I\u0027m a Car", "day": "26" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2065, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Who Sends the First Text?", "transcript": "", "alt": "I sort of wish my texting app showed the percentage next to each person, but also sort of don\u0027t want to know.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/who_sends_the_first_text.png", "title": "Who Sends the First Text?", "day": "29" }, { "month": "10", "num": 2066, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Ballot Selfies", "transcript": "", "alt": "There were actually some good reasons for those laws, but IMO they now do more harm than good. Which raises a question: If there\u0027s a ballot measure to strike them down, how can I resist the urge to take a picture of my \"yes\" vote?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/ballot_selfies.png", "title": "Ballot Selfies", "day": "31" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2067, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Challengers", "transcript": "", "alt": "Use your mouse or fingers to pan + zoom. To edit the map, submit your ballot on November 6th.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/challengers.png", "title": "Challengers", "extra_parts": { "headerextra": "\n \u003cstyle\u003e\n @font-face {\n font-family: \u0027xkcd-Regular-v2\u0027;\n src: url(\u0027/2067/asset/xkcd-Regular-v2.woff\u0027) format(\u0027woff\u0027);\n }\n \n #comic {\n margin: 0 30px;\n }\n\n #comic img, #comic canvas {\n display: block;\n }\n\n #middleContainer {\n width: 1020px;\n margin-left: -510px;\n }\n \u003c/style\u003e\n", "pre": "\u003cimg src=\"/2067/asset/challengers_header.png\" srcset=\"/2067/asset/challengers_header_2x.png 2x\"\u003e", "post": "\n\u003cimg src=\"/2067/asset/challengers_footer.png\" srcset=\"/2067/asset/challengers_footer_2x.png 2x\"\u003e\n\u003cscript src=\"https://xkcd.com/2067/asset/comic.js\"\u003e\u003c/script\u003e\n", "imgAttr": "id=\"comic-content\"" }, "day": "2" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2068, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Election Night", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Even the blind—those who are anxious to hear, but are not able to see—will be taken care of. Immense megaphones have been constructed and will be in use at The Tribune office and in the Coliseum. The one at the Coliseum will be operated by a gentleman who draws $60 a week from Barnum \u0026 Bailey\u0027s circus for the use of his voice.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/election_night.png", "title": "Election Night", "day": "5" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2069, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Wishlist", "transcript": "", "alt": "Disappointed that they caved to fan pressure and went with Ruth Bader Ginsburg over Elena Kagan.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/wishlist.png", "title": "Wishlist", "day": "7" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2070, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Trig Identities", "transcript": "", "alt": "ARCTANGENT THETA = ENCHANT AT TARGET", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/trig_identities.png", "title": "Trig Identities", "day": "9" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2071, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Indirect Detection", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m like a prisoner in Plato\u0027s Cave, seeing only the shade you throw on the wall.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/indirect_detection.png", "title": "Indirect Detection", "day": "12" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2072, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Evaluating Tech Things", "transcript": "", "alt": "Also known as the Black Mirror-Mythbusters scale.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/evaluating_tech_things.png", "title": "Evaluating Tech Things", "day": "14" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2073, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Kilogram", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m glad to hear they\u0027re finally redefining the meter to be exactly three feet.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/kilogram.png", "title": "Kilogram", "day": "16" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2074, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Airplanes and Spaceships", "transcript": "", "alt": "Despite having now taken three months longer than the airplane people, we\u0027re making disappointingly little progress toward the obvious next stage of vehicle: The Unobtanium-hulled tunneling ship from the 2003 film \u0027The Core.\u0027", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/airplanes_and_spaceships.png", "title": "Airplanes and Spaceships", "day": "19" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2075, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Update Your Address", "transcript": "", "alt": "This is my four-digit PIN. It was passed down to me by my father, and someday I will pass it on to you. Unless we figure out how to update it, but that sounds complicated.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/update_your_address.png", "title": "Update Your Address", "day": "21" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2076, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Horror Movies 2", "transcript": "", "alt": "When I was a kid, someone told me the end of The Giver was ambiguous, which surprised me. I had just assumed Jonah died--because the book had a medal on the cover, and I knew grown-ups liked stories where sad stuff happens at the end for no reason.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/horror_movies_2.png", "title": "Horror Movies 2", "day": "23" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2077, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Heist", "transcript": "", "alt": "But he has a hat AND a toolbox! Where could someone planning a heist get THOSE?", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/heist.png", "title": "Heist", "day": "26" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2078, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Popper", "transcript": "", "alt": "At least, I don\u0027t think there\u0027s evidence. My claim that there\u0027s no evidence hasn\u0027t been falsified. At least, not that I know of.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/popper.png", "title": "Popper", "day": "28" }, { "month": "11", "num": 2079, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Alpha Centauri", "transcript": "", "alt": "And let\u0027s be honest, it\u0027s more like two and a half stars. Proxima is barely a star and barely bound to the system.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/alpha_centauri.png", "title": "Alpha Centauri", "day": "30" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2080, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Cohort and Age Effects", "transcript": "", "alt": "Younger people get very few joint replacements, yet they\u0027re also getting more than older people did at the same age. This means you can choose between \u0027Why are millennials getting so (many/few) joint replacements?\u0027 depending on which trend fits your current argument better.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/cohort_and_age_effects.png", "title": "Cohort and Age Effects", "day": "3" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2081, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Middle Latitudes", "transcript": "", "alt": "Snowy blizzards are fun, but so are warm sunny beaches, so we split the difference by having lots of icy wet slush!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/middle_latitudes.png", "title": "Middle Latitudes", "day": "5" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2082, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mercator Projection", "transcript": "", "alt": "The other great lakes are just water on the far side of Canada Island. If you drive north from the Pacific northwest you actually cross directly into Alaska, although a few officials--confused by the Mercator distortion--have put up border signs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mercator_projection.png", "title": "Mercator Projection", "day": "7" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2083, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Laptop Issues", "transcript": "", "alt": "Hang on, we got a call from the feds. They say we can do whatever with him, but the EPA doesn\u0027t want that laptop in the ocean. They\u0027re sending a team.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/laptop_issues.png", "title": "Laptop Issues", "day": "10" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2084, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "FDR", "transcript": "", "alt": "June 21st, 365, the date of the big Mediterranean earthquake and tsunami, lived in infamy for a few centuries before fading. Maybe the trick is a catchy rhyme; the \u00275th of November\u0027 thing is still going strong over 400 years later.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/fdr.png", "title": "FDR", "day": "12" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2085, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "arXiv", "transcript": "", "alt": "Both arXiv and archive.org are invaluable projects which, if they didn\u0027t exist, we would dismiss as obviously ridiculous and unworkable.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/arxiv.png", "title": "arXiv", "day": "14" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2086, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "History Department", "transcript": "", "alt": "When we take into account the recent discovery of previously-unstudied history in the 1750s, this year may have been an outright loss.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/history_department.png", "title": "History Department", "day": "17" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2087, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Rocket Launch", "transcript": "", "alt": "NASA tries to coordinate launch timing with the Care Bears\u0027 cloud castle, but unfortunately sometimes collisions with stray Care Bears are unavoidable, so they just try to make the fairings sturdy and hope for a glancing impact.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/rocket_launch.png", "title": "Rocket Launch", "day": "19" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2088, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Schwarzschild\u0027s Cat", "transcript": "", "alt": "Cats can be smaller than the critical limit, but they\u0027re unobservable. If one shrinks enough that it crosses the limit, it just appears to get cuter and cuter as it slowly fades from view.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/schwarzschilds_cat.png", "title": "Schwarzschild\u0027s Cat", "day": "21" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2089, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Christmas Eve Eve", "transcript": "", "alt": "It turns out that saying \"Oh, so THAT\u0027S why they call it Boxing Day\" is a good way to get punched a second time.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/christmas_eve_eve.png", "title": "Christmas Eve Eve", "day": "24" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2090, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Feathered Dinosaur Venn Diagram", "transcript": "", "alt": "My pet theory is that in real life, the kid at the beginning of Jurassic Park who made fun of the \u0027six-foot turkey\u0027 never got a talking-to from Dr. Grant, and grew up to produce several of the movie\u0027s sequels.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/feathered_dinosaur_venn_diagram.png", "title": "Feathered Dinosaur Venn Diagram", "day": "26" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2091, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Million, Billion, Trillion", "transcript": "", "alt": "You can tell most people don’t really assign an absolute meaning to these numbers because in some places and time periods, “billion” has meant 1,000x what it\u0027s meant in others, and a lot of us never even noticed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/million_billion_trillion.png", "title": "Million, Billion, Trillion", "day": "28" }, { "month": "12", "num": 2092, "link": "", "year": "2018", "news": "", "safe_title": "Consensus New Year", "transcript": "", "alt": "The biggest jump is at 11:00am EST (4:00pm UTC) when midnight reaches the UTC+8 time zone. That time zone, which includes China, is home to a quarter of the world\u0027s population. India and Sri Lanka (UTC+5:30) put us over the 50% mark soon after.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/consensus_new_year.png", "title": "Consensus New Year", "day": "31" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2093, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Reminders", "transcript": "", "alt": "The good news is that if the number of work and friend relationships you have exceeds your willingness to do the bare minimum to keep up with everyone\u0027s life events and stuff, one way or another that problem eventually solves itself.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/reminders.png", "title": "Reminders", "day": "2" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2094, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Short Selling", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"I\u0027m selling all my analogies at auction tomorrow, and that witch over there will give you 20 beans if you promise on pain of death to win them for her.\" \"What if SEVERAL people promised witches they\u0027d win, creating some kind of a ... squeeze? Gosh, you could make a lot of–\" \"Don\u0027t be silly! That probably never happens.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/short_selling.png", "title": "Short Selling", "day": "4" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2095, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Marsiforming", "transcript": "", "alt": "It has so many advantages--it preserves Martian life, requires fewer interplanetary launches, and makes it much easier to field-test Mars rovers.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/marsiforming.png", "title": "Marsiforming", "day": "7" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2096, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Mattresses", "transcript": "", "alt": "After reading that \"The War To Sell You A Mattress Is An Internet Nightmare\" article, I\u0027ve decided it\u0027s safer and less complicated to just sleep on the floor. DISCLOSURE: THE AUTHOR OF THIS MOUSEOVER TEXT RECEIVED FINANCIAL COMPENSATION FROM THE FLOOR INDUSTRY FOR THIS MESSAGE.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/mattresses.png", "title": "Mattresses", "day": "9" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2097, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Thor Tools", "transcript": "", "alt": "CORRECTION: After careful evaluation, we have determined that the axis label on this chart was printed backward.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/thor_tools.png", "title": "Thor Tools", "day": "11" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2098, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Magnetic Pole", "transcript": "", "alt": "People keep trying to come up with reasons that we should worry about the magnetic field collapsing or reversing, but honestly I think it\u0027s fine. Whatever minor problems it causes will be made up for by the mid-latitude auroras.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/magnetic_pole.png", "title": "Magnetic Pole", "day": "14" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2099, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Missal of Silos", "transcript": "", "alt": "Welcome to Wyoming, motto \"We\u0027d like to clarify that Cheyenne Mountain is in Colorado.\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/missal_of_silos.png", "title": "Missal of Silos", "day": "16" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2100, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Models of the Atom", "transcript": "", "alt": "J.J. Thompson won a Nobel Prize for his work in electricity in gases, but was unfairly passed over for his \"An atom is plum pudding, and plum pudding is MADE of atoms! Duuuuude.\" theory.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/models_of_the_atom.png", "title": "Models of the Atom", "day": "18" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2101, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Technical Analysis", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"I [suspect] that we are throwing more and more of our resources, including the cream of our youth, into financial activities remote from the production of goods and services, into activities that generate high private rewards disproportionate to their social productivity. I suspect that the immense power of the computer is being harnessed to this \u0027paper economy\u0027, not to do the same transactions more economically but to balloon the quantity and variety of financial exchanges.\" --James Tobin, July 1984", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/technical_analysis.png", "title": "Technical Analysis", "day": "21" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2102, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Internet Archive", "transcript": "", "alt": "The fact that things like the npm left-pad incident are so rare is oddly reassuring.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/internet_archive.png", "title": "Internet Archive", "day": "23" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2103, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Midcontinent Rift System", "transcript": "", "alt": "The best wedge issue is an actual wedge.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/midcontinent_rift_system.png", "title": "Midcontinent Rift System", "day": "25" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2104, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Biff Tannen", "transcript": "", "alt": "I can\u0027t help myself; now I want to read a bunch of thinkpieces from newspapers in Biff\u0027s 1985 arguing over whether the growth of the region into a corporate dystopia was inevitable.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/biff_tannen.png", "title": "Biff Tannen", "day": "28" }, { "month": "1", "num": 2105, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Modern OSI Model", "transcript": "", "alt": "In retrospect, I shouldn\u0027t have used each layer of the OSI model as one of my horcruxes.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/modern_osi_model.png", "title": "Modern OSI Model", "day": "30" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2106, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Sharing Options", "transcript": "", "alt": "How about posts that are public, but every time a company accesses a bunch of them, the API makes their CEO\u0027s account click \u0027like\u0027 on one of them at random so you get a notification.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/sharing_options.png", "title": "Sharing Options", "day": "1" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2107, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Launch Risk", "transcript": "", "alt": "Don\u0027t worry--you\u0027re less likely to die from a space launch than from a shark attack. The survival rate is pretty high for both!", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/launch_risk.png", "title": "Launch Risk", "day": "4" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2108, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Carbonated Beverage Language Map", "transcript": "", "alt": "There\u0027s one person in Missouri who says \"carbo bev\" who the entire rest of the country HATES.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/carbonated_beverage_language_map.png", "title": "Carbonated Beverage Language Map", "day": "6" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2109, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Invisible Formatting", "transcript": "", "alt": "To avoid errors like this, we render all text and pipe it through OCR before processing, fixing a handful of irregular bugs by burying them beneath a smooth, uniform layer of bugs.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/invisible_formatting.png", "title": "Invisible Formatting", "day": "8" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2110, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Error Bars", "transcript": "", "alt": "...an effect size of 1.68 (95% CI: 1.56 (95% CI: 1.52 (95% CI: 1.504 (95% CI: 1.494 (95% CI: 1.488 (95% CI: 1.485 (95% CI: 1.482 (95% CI: 1.481 (95% CI: 1.4799 (95% CI: 1.4791 (95% CI: 1.4784...", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/error_bars.png", "title": "Error Bars", "day": "11" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2111, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Opportunity Rover", "transcript": "", "alt": "Thanks for bringing us along.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/opportunity_rover.png", "title": "Opportunity Rover", "day": "13" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2112, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Night Shift", "transcript": "", "alt": "Help, I set my white balance wrong and suddenly everyone is screaming at each other about whether they\u0027ve been to Colorado.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/night_shift.png", "title": "Night Shift", "day": "15" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2113, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Physics Suppression", "transcript": "", "alt": "If physics had a mafia, I\u0027m pretty sure the BICEP2 mess would have ended in bloodshed.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/physics_suppression.png", "title": "Physics Suppression", "day": "18" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2114, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Launch Conditions", "transcript": "", "alt": "Though I do think the tiny vent on one of the boosters labeled \"O-RING\" is in poor taste.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/launch_conditions.png", "title": "Launch Conditions", "day": "20" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2115, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Plutonium", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s like someone briefly joined the team running the universe, introduced their idea for a cool mechanic, then left, and now everyone is stuck pretending that this wildly unbalanced dynamic makes sense.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/plutonium.png", "title": "Plutonium", "day": "22" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2116, "link": "https://twitter.com/openelex/status/853977391747801088", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": ".NORM Normal File Format", "transcript": "", "alt": "At some point, compression becomes an aesthetic design choice. Luckily, SVG is a really flexible format, so there\u0027s no reason it can\u0027t support vector JPEG artifacts.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/norm_normal_file_format.png", "title": ".NORM Normal File Format", "day": "25" }, { "month": "2", "num": 2117, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Differentiation and Integration", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Symbolic integration\" is when you theatrically go through the motions of finding integrals, but the actual result you get doesn\u0027t matter because it\u0027s purely symbolic.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/differentiation_and_integration.png", "title": "Differentiation and Integration", "day": "27" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2118, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Normal Distribution", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s the NORMAL distribution, not the TANGENT distribution.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/normal_distribution.png", "title": "Normal Distribution", "day": "1" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2119, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Video Orientation", "transcript": "", "alt": "CIRCULAR VIDEO - PROS: Solves aspect ratio problem. CONS: Never trust anyone who talks to you from inside a circle.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/video_orientation.png", "title": "Video Orientation", "day": "4" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2120, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Brain Hemispheres", "transcript": "", "alt": "Neurologically speaking, the LEFT hand is actually the one at the end of the RIGHT arm.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/brain_hemispheres.png", "title": "Brain Hemispheres", "day": "6" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2121, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Light Pollution", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s so sad how almost no one alive today can remember seeing the galactic rainbow, the insanity nebula, or the skull and glowing eyes of the Destroyer of Sagittarius.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/light_pollution.png", "title": "Light Pollution", "day": "8" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2122, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Size Venn Diagram", "transcript": "", "alt": "Terms I\u0027m going to start using: The Large Dipper, great potatoes, the Big Hadron Collider, and Large Orphan Annie.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/size_venn_diagram.png", "title": "Size Venn Diagram", "day": "11" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2123, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Meta Collecting", "transcript": "", "alt": "I\u0027m trying to get the page locked because some jerk keeps adding \"Yachts\".", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/meta_collecting.png", "title": "Meta Collecting", "day": "13" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2124, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Space Mission Hearing", "transcript": "", "alt": "Our grant application contains one of those little greeting card speakers that plays spaceship noises when you open it.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/space_mission_hearing.png", "title": "Space Mission Hearing", "day": "15" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2125, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Luna 2", "transcript": "", "alt": "The flags were probably vaporized on impact, because we launched it before we had finished figuring out how to land. That makes sense from an engineering standpoint, but also feels like a metaphor.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/luna_2.png", "title": "Luna 2", "day": "18" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2126, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Google Trends Maps", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s early 2020. The entire country is gripped with Marco Rubio fever except for Alaska, which is freaking out. You\u0027re frantically studying up on etiquette and/or sexting.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/google_trends_maps.png", "title": "Google Trends Maps", "day": "20" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2126, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Google Trends Maps", "transcript": "", "alt": "It\u0027s early 2020. The entire country is gripped with Marco Rubio fever except for Alaska, which is freaking out. You\u0027re frantically studying up on etiquette and/or sexting.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/google_trends_maps.png", "title": "Google Trends Maps", "day": "20" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2127, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "Panama Canal", "transcript": "", "alt": "Once they selected the other proposal, we could have kept shopping ours around, but we would had to modify it include an aqueduct over their canal, which would be totally unreasonable.", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/panama_canal.png", "title": "Panama Canal", "day": "22" }, { "month": "3", "num": 2128, "link": "", "year": "2019", "news": "", "safe_title": "New Robot", "transcript": "", "alt": "\"Some worry that we\u0027ll soon have a surplus of search and rescue robots, compared to the number of actual people in situations requiring search and rescue. That\u0027s where our other robot project comes in...\"", "img": "https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/new_robot.png", "title": "New Robot", "day": "25" } ] |